November 29, 2024 • 49 mins
The celebrations for Mayor Unders' continue: a man stands against all those who would dare to take his reserved seat at the parade; a family have won a free TV as part of the celebrations; the SWAT team try to stop anyone with the audacity to celebrate their own birthday on the Mayor's big day.
Part 1 & 2 featured: Patrick Meier, Laura Conlon, Kieran Sands, Amelia Price, Eoghan Fox, Eddie Goodwin & Declan King.
Season 3 will begin in March 2025, and in the meantime, there will be some sporadic Christmas and special episodes going out here and there. If you've enjoyed the last year of Dunbracken, please rate it on your podcast player, and share it with a friend you think may enjoy it!
Thank you to all those who called in to give their opinions on the mayor: Marcus Keeley; Gerard Donnelly; Kit Reese; James Geddes; Paul Mone; Claire Nugent, David McCauley, Katie Thompson, Joe Donaldson, James Fulton, John Close, Adam Crossan & Aaron Marshall.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Mayor Anders? How he's helped me like that? I don't know. He's a weird one that man.
(00:14):
You know, look at all this shit around us. It's a bunch of his pictures on old Google
pride floats and stuff. This is, this is awful. He's a bit of a weird fellow. I've felt it
ever since I saw him in the cinema recently to see The Apprentice. I saw him there, I
(00:35):
was like, there you go, local celebrity, latida, sat down in the row in front of him, gave
him a tip and meal. And you know, I started watching, watching this film take place, Jeremy
Strong killing it. And all of a sudden I just hear all these scribbles behind me and I look
behind and Anders is just taking notes. All the time The Apprentice is going, Anders is
(01:00):
taking notes. I try to ignore this for most of the time, but then he just puts his feet
through the little gap between the seats, you know, where you can kind of nestle your
feet in it. There's nobody in the row in front and you can kind of relax. He goes and does
that and I'm stuck there with his feet beside my elbow and I can't move my elbow because
(01:25):
then he'll be alerted to the fact that my elbow is not the arm rest and then it'll be
really awkward. So to answer your question, book on.
(02:00):
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
The mayor is wonderful, not an ordinary man at all. You can tell from his bone structure,
poise and posture that this man was born to administer civic issues and hand down decrees
(02:20):
that benefit the whole of the town. As the for now unofficial mayoral correspondent,
I have unique insight into the man's psyche and mindset. Him falling asleep at town hall
meetings, a poor move against those who would dare oppose him and waste his time. The poor
fitting attire and unkempt appearance day to day, a searing nod to those who are more
(02:46):
style over substance. The mayor's speeches are masterpieces of ambiguity. He knows how
to say nothing and make it sound like everything. I've watched him speak for an hour on the
subject of local road works and leave everyone both confused and amazed. Somehow feeling
(03:08):
as though they've just received the answers to life's most profound questions. The brilliance
is in the delivery, the rhetoric. It is not the answer that you get that matters, but
the fact that you feel heard, you feel important. That's the mayor's gift. Now piss off you
(03:28):
filthy commoner. I'm busy inspecting his recycling to uncover the true genius behind his leadership.
If he ever did recycle that is.
I've been here since 5 a.m. to get the best spot for the parade. And you think you can
(03:55):
just waltz right in front of me and block my view?
I was just walking here.
Well keep walking.
I just wanted to see the mayor and all the flouts and things.
We all want to see it, but some of us want to see it more than others.
Except for me, I'm the one who wants to see it the most.
But you sat down, so you're gonna be at a really low down vantage point.
(04:19):
Yeah, but I'm at the front. It's fine to be at a low vantage point. I want to sit out
in front of me. Not you.
Why did you leave all that space? There's like enough space for at least one person,
maybe two to get from you.
I like to stretch my legs. I've reserved these spaces since June.
(04:40):
There's three more seats there. You've just got different types of seats.
Yeah.
And they fall all over people?
They're all mine. What part do you not understand? If I don't get the ones in front of me, they
block my view.
But, could I sit in one of them?
No. Of course not. You idiot. Why would it make you think you could sit there? These
(05:03):
are the seats for the biggest fan of the mayor. That's not you. Is it you? You get the mayor's
name tattooed on your back?
No.
It just says mayor.
(05:23):
Yeah. The rest is in ink, the exact tone of his skin.
Or you just save it up for it.
No. It's there. You just won't know it until I get a tan.
Well, I have to say that the mayor has been extremely helpful this year. He was able to
(05:50):
help myself and all of the cadets and recruits down at the local army base. One of the major
things that the mayor decided to do was pay for our new latrines. So of course, as you've
probably seen, there was a huge muddy ditch that everyone had to urinate and defecate
into. I would have to say it was the most appalling sight on the eyes and the smell
(06:16):
wasn't too good either. And the mayor stepped in, the mayor literally stepped in, the mayor
of course, stepped into the shuck. And that was that period, the start of last year where
he went missing for a few days. He got stuck in the old shuck. I think you remember the
headlines. Mayor missing. And then when he was retrieved from the shuck, it was mayor
(06:42):
unstuck from shuck. Anyway, the mayor was in good humor about it but decided we needed
actual latrines. So we have those now and I have to say that I really appreciate the
way you're doing that as do all of the recruits and cadets.
(07:07):
Hello?
Hello! Hi, we're here from City Council.
Oh, I wasn't expecting anyone from City Council today.
Hello, we're from City Council.
Hello.
Okay, yes, I get, yeah, how can I help?
We have been sent by the mayor.
By the mayor himself.
To give you a new TV.
(07:28):
You have won.
Congratulations.
Oh, we've won.
You have won. This entire TV is all yours.
And as you can see here, by my documents, these are signed by the mayor. This is legal,
this is not a scam.
Pressed by his hand.
Indeed, himself.
We've won a TV.
An entire TV all to yourself.
Oh my god, this is like, this has never happened to me. What size is it?
(07:53):
Oh, look at the back of this car, don't you see?
Oh, it's right here right now.
It's right here right now.
We've brought the TV with us.
Oh my god.
We're even going to bring it in and install it.
Martin, Martin, who's at the door?
It's, what are your names? These guys from the mayor's office, from the council.
Frombo.
We've won a TV.
It's about the TV license. I told them that I paid that, honestly.
(08:16):
No, no, no.
I told them. We got the letters.
No, no, shut up George. It's, we've won a TV. They're giving us a TV.
What? This is going to start this whole TV license thing again.
Shut up.
I've got four court summons. I can't have another one.
George, shut, you don't talk about the TV license right now.
(08:37):
I would like you to know that this TV does come with the TV license prepaid for five years.
Sweet. Bring it in.
We're free.
Wheel it in.
It is 62 inches.
Me and Joel will help you lift it in now.
Yes, of course.
We're going to have to get rid of the crib.
Yeah, I think, and I think the toddler's bed as well.
Yes, we can rearrange the kid's room.
Can an infant be on a bunk bed?
(08:58):
Sorry?
Can an infant be on a bunk bed?
I don't care.
Do you think that's safe?
I don't care.
Pop or rotten bunk?
We've got a 62 inch TV, George.
I know.
So you want it upstairs then?
Oh, my back, my back.
I think we need to get our, hang on, I'm just going to get on the phone here.
I'm going to strap on my little helping back solution.
(09:19):
Bongo, Bongo.
What?
Bongo, we need you at this house. We've got to carry the TV in. Pronto.
You need me to lift something?
Yes.
We're at 62 Oak Ridge.
Okay, I'll be right there. Pronto.
Thank you, Bongo.
The mayor has been very unhelpful to me and my fellow creatures this year.
(09:47):
After he got stuck in our shuck home, he, he removed the whole thing.
Where are me and my brethren supposed to spawn now?
It's a terrible shame.
We've had to now come further above ground, see me walking around the town.
(10:09):
Oh, it's a pity. It's such a pity.
My flippers and fins are not made for above ground.
So we are very much anti-mayor this year.
Celebrate the mayor?
I don't think so.
In fact, we are thinking of having our own mayoral candidate for the next elections.
(10:35):
Vasovik Swampfin.
We will fully support him.
We have yet to get the humans to also support us.
Excuse me, folks.
We're going to have to clear this area and move these railings.
(10:59):
I'm really sorry.
You can't do this to me.
Sorry, the ambulance needs to go somewhere.
The ambulance doesn't need to go anywhere.
There's no emergency that's more important than this.
No, we don't have any emergencies yet, but we want to be on site from when they might happen.
So we need our ambulance to be set up here.
If I don't see the mayor in all his glory, I will die.
(11:23):
He has reserved these seats since June.
Thank you.
Stools themselves or their placement?
Good question. Both have been reserved.
I've reserved the stools and if you look, in fact, I've bolted them to the pavement.
Okay, well, do you have a way to remove these or am I going to have to get the fire crew?
Look, the fire crew tried and failed to remove these seats.
(11:47):
Just because I block a fire hydrant, they think they can move me.
I need to ask the two of you to get to the back of the crowd somewhere else in another sector and another quadrant.
He reserved these seats. My good friend reserved three seats for me.
We're not friends and you don't get one of these seats.
I appreciate you backing me up.
Could be friends.
Listen, what if one of you need this ambulance in a few hours?
(12:11):
I'd rather die than disrupt the mayor's parade, okay?
If I have a heart attack and you bring those sirens interrupting the mayor's speech,
I will make sure to die quicker so you can turn them off, okay?
Well, we wouldn't. Sir, we wouldn't need to have the sirens on if the ambulance is actually on site of the parade.
This is the most efficient spot for us to be to set up, to do first aid, to administer things.
(12:36):
Of course we know that. Why do you think we're here four hours before the parade?
We know it's the best spot.
Okay, we haven't been here four hours before. I've been here for the last 12 hours.
And I tripped over a bolted still.
You tried to kick it over.
I did after I tripped over it. I turned around and I kicked it.
Oh my god, you have some blood on your converse there. Are you in pain?
He's fine. Now, look, you're quite clearly a dedicated emergency worker.
(13:01):
Work hard. Today's a special day. Take it off.
Do you need a seat?
Take it off. Take the day off. You can't have a seat, but you should take it off.
Medical emergencies don't take the day off.
They do. They do today.
Do you need to get medical aid?
I'm not a kid. I'm 12.
All right, sir. Do you need medical aid?
If he's old enough to work in the Army, he's old enough to know when he's healthy.
(13:25):
Am I old enough to work in the Army?
I believe so.
I'm going to try it for that.
Under Mayor Unders, yes.
Yeah. Now, it's technically a militia, but still.
Oh, maybe I could get Colonel Marsapad to teach me.
Don't go near that man.
Yeah. He freaks me out. I don't know which wars he's fought in.
(13:53):
I went to school with Mayor Unders. I won't have a bad word said against that man.
I see that man. He's walking past my shop. I always shout,
I always say, hey, Mayor Unders, come on in, mate. Come on in.
And I always said to him, look, you can take whatever you want in here.
And he does that. He comes in. He lifts some things off the shelf.
He likes to get some of the expensive bits and pieces.
(14:14):
And that's fine. And I don't mind that because I say I'll do anything for that fat man.
I was at school with that man.
And he used to always do that when he was younger.
He always said to me, oh, I'll get the aid to come and pay you afterwards.
I had never seen him with no aid. I don't think that's the sort of man he is.
He's a selfless man. He just comes in and takes it.
He even stole my girlfriend. But I do want to say I have no resentful thinking towards him.
(14:36):
Because to be honest here, the man is an absolute legend.
Mayor, I'm so sorry. I've got some terrible news.
The train with the 12 carts full of helium hit through the sky.
Apparently, you're meant to have counterweights between each cart.
(14:57):
We did not know this. We didn't know.
So not only do we not have helium for your birthday,
there's a 25-ton freight train hovering over the city,
with one open door away from it, crashing down on whatever it may hover over.
Please don't punish us, Mayor.
Please don't put me in a room full of balloons that is about to fly away to our moments' notice.
(15:27):
Right, where does this need to go?
Right, Bongo, they have asked us to put this up into their toddler's room.
Just up the stairs. It's the multimedia room now.
Oh, got it.
Cinema.
Can I ask you, is this the room that most people would generally be in, in your house?
No, so our third son is a pool table's room.
Oh, OK, mind the pool table. Our son's room is now a pool table room.
(15:52):
And our toddler's is going to be a multimedia room. So excited.
This will be able to hear through walls, so that's fine.
So?
As long as it's a room that people will...
You'll be able to hear it through the walls.
Yes, it's quite loud.
We hear it throughout the house.
Speakers installed into the side of the television.
It comes with the speakers as part of it,
which I believe is quite common for TVs nowadays anyway.
(16:13):
Oh, there's a little dungly bit spilled down. I'm sticking back on top.
Don't mess with me. I will do that, Bongo.
What's that on top of it?
The antenna.
Why's it got a lens?
That's for you to hit record and record TV, not yourself.
That's right, guys. I got this.
(16:36):
That is an old thing from the Xbox Kinect, if you remember.
So your kids can play on the TV.
Bongo, you've just described a camera to them.
Is that a camera?
No, no, it is not.
It's part of the free TV experience.
And if you want the 62-inch free TV,
(16:59):
we have TV licenses already paid and all 999 Sky channels.
And also, we do have to disclaim that the 62-inches are made up of 14 different cameras.
There is a TV in there.
Where? It's mostly just lenses. It looks like a camera shop in here.
It's all right. I got this, fellas.
It's like one of them ring light things.
(17:23):
From the City Council, Bongo, I'm your man.
Bongo, stop describing types of cameras.
Ring light? Like one of those doorbells that record people?
Yes, so that when you are watching you always feel welcome.
You always know your reactions to TV shows.
Like Gogglebox, but for yourselves and for the government.
(17:46):
You can be your own celebrity.
Why? Can't we just have one without the cameras?
Well, we have your signature now and this one, so it'll be a waste of Bongo's back.
Martin, did you already sign it?
Well, he said it was a 62-inch TV. I'm not going to ask questions.
The TV must be on at all times.
And he has already put the cot and the toddler's bed outside.
(18:07):
So you will have to keep it in the room now unless you pay Bongo a hefty amount of money to do it again.
Because he's not cheap.
Well, I want you to know that my Martin's been going to the gym.
Hang on, George. Easy.
You're going to prove it to me now. And you're going to kick it down the stairs.
Bongo, shut up!
Bongo, no. Not yet.
(18:29):
Bongo, could I privately contract you to take this down?
Well, I mean, I do have a freelance side business, a bit of security and whatever.
Bongo, the mayor could find out about your indiscretion.
You are working for the government, Bongo.
Bongo, this sounds absolutely fabulous. How much you're a…
Sorry, I'm a professional these days. I work for the government.
(18:54):
Who knows where you live?
I am head of surveillance. So, you know…
You're head of surveillance. Are you in charge of those cameras?
That's why he knows so many different variations.
How… Why are the lights already on?
It's got Netflix on it. Already paid for.
Already paid for. All the channels you could ever want.
Why are the red… It's not even plugged in, but the lights…
(19:16):
That's a great question.
Already on. Yeah, you see, it's actually part of our new and improved nuclear program where it's been…
Nuclear program? We have kids in this house.
In a different room. They'll grow up different.
We still care about them. We don't want radioactive material.
(19:38):
You shifted their beds outside for a TV, so that's disgraceful.
We were going to get them bunk beds.
Yeah, we discussed that before you arrived.
In this day and age, people treat their children just like dogs.
We moved them out of the kennel months ago.
You don't read the terms and conditions and now you're stuck with a TV which must be on at all times recording you for life.
(20:00):
The mayor knows all that you do.
Do you remember when Mayor Unders won the trade fishing competition?
Everyone was convinced he'd just nipped out and bought it at the supermarket.
He denied it, of course, but if you look closely at the winner's photo of him holding it up,
them and things still in the packet.
(20:27):
I would say the mayor's helped me this year through allowing additional hauntings throughout the town to occur not only at Halloween,
but over the entire year.
It's been very lucrative for my business as a medium.
And I would say it's been so great, not only for my business, but also it's kept the spiders away in the house.
(20:52):
You know, you say the house spiders are good for the flies and other critters,
and the ghosts are fantastic for the spiders, so I am very, very welcome for that.
It saved me a lot of fright during the night because I don't like spiders, me, it's not my thing.
But I do appreciate a lot of citizens are quite frightened of the phantoms that roam the streets day in and day out.
(21:19):
They really do try to frighten people with the blood writing on the mirrors,
but honestly I just think it's part of the quirks of the town.
But if anyone's interested, I do offer readings and I also offer hauntings.
So if you would like to have a neighbour frightened, I do have a sheet in the back of my car,
(21:45):
and I can offer it myself and give them a fright.
Alright everyone, please, you've got to keep this a secret, alright?
Now I know we're not allowed to have a birthday party the same day as the mayor's,
but I really want to celebrate my 18th birthday, so here's the plan.
(22:10):
Who's God?
It's alright, we can make it through this.
This is dangerous.
It is dangerous. Here's the plan.
I'm going to arrive in separate cars.
To your house or to an event venue?
There will be a letter under your doormat with the coordinates.
Okay, good, good, good.
Aren't you scared about leaving a trace? Like what if he finds a letter, like even in the rubbish?
Do we have to burn the letter after we memorise the coordinates?
(22:33):
Everyone but you burn the letter, you will forget the coordinates.
That's a good idea.
I know you, Geoffrey, you will forget them.
Are you worried about me giving information to the mayor?
I wasn't.
Then I have evidence on myself and I become a prime target, so I have to be watched.
But who's...?
I'll also watch him.
Okay, thank you. Okay, that's a relief, that's a relief.
Thank you, Daniel.
I'm not worried about you because you would make the worst witness in court.
(22:56):
Wait!
I don't think this would go to court.
We don't know, we don't know what the mayor would do.
In what way are we worst witness? Like he's witnessed too much or he kind of rambles and wouldn't give good evidence?
I think the jury would turn on him.
Yeah, you do have that type of face, I'm sorry.
What, if I get caught now I'm going to give you up.
Whoa!
Well, now it's safe apparently because I can't be trusted in court.
(23:19):
On his birthday too.
Yeah, on his birthday.
Oh, shame.
It's not my birthday yet.
Oh no, sorry.
It's tough because I can't get my birth certificate, the mayor's blocked us.
Where's it going to be?
Okay, that's what the coordinates are for, but we're all going to have to bring our own slice of cake.
Does it matter what type?
I would like it, I would like it if we could all get like a Black Forest Gatto, just...
(23:40):
Okay, but I'm allergic to cherries, so...
Okay, okay.
It's his birthday though.
No, that's alright.
What an American suspicious that has been...
I mean, I will eat it if you want to.
No, no, don't die on my birthday.
You can bring it, you just don't have to eat it.
I've got the EpiPen.
Oh yeah.
No, no, no, because...
Oh no, because I know it's important to you, I know it's important to you.
No, it's fine.
It's okay.
(24:01):
It's fine, we can just go with a chocolate cake.
No, it's okay, I'm okay.
I can get one without cherries if we're getting separate cakes.
Well, okay, but if you want me to, you can just ask and I will have anaphylactic shock for you.
This is why I trust you so much, Mornin' Jeffrey.
You're willing to put down your life.
I am.
I will turn immediately upon perjury of my life.
Now I'm going to watch you.
You can't be trusted.
You can trust me.
(24:22):
Don't give Jeffrey your EpiPen.
Oh, oh yeah, oh no, no, no, we know what happened last time.
Yeah.
Stab yourself in the thumb.
Yep, was awake for three days.
Also, also Sarah nearly died.
Yeah, I was having an anaphylactic shock.
It was quite...
I was having quite a shock as well.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
A shock to the system.
(24:43):
It distracted the paramedics.
Not intentionally, I just had so much energy.
It kind of felt intentional though.
It kind of did a bit.
It was a little bit like you're trying to steal the spotlight that you thought too much attention
was on Sarah.
Yeah, I get an anaphylactic shock and then you're like, oh, my thumb.
And I was just kind of on the stretcher and I couldn't breathe but I was looking at you
(25:04):
and I thought, how can my own friend do this to me?
Sorry, we've never unpacked it fully.
Even when Sarah was on the stretcher, you were like almost laying on top of a wave in
your thumb in front of the paramedic.
I only put my thumb on the stretcher.
I didn't put my whole body on the stretcher with her.
Only the injured part.
That's still weird.
It was two years ago and you still damage your thumb.
Yeah, yeah.
(25:25):
I have to protect myself.
From what?
You still carrying an EpiPen.
That is a danger to me.
I made the mistake once of giving you my EpiPen.
It's not going to happen again because we know you can't be trusted.
No, I don't trust you.
That's a good idea.
You need to watch me.
I'm watching.
I wonder what music are we going to have about it?
Can't have music.
What?
We can do like a signing disco if you want.
(25:48):
Okay, we could all listen to our own music then.
I only have wired headphones.
That's fine.
I think they're better for you.
I have knockoff AirPods.
That's probably why your brain's so fried.
Yeah.
Yeah, the radio waves.
That actually just means a lot.
Oh, just because they're huge and they have antennas?
Yeah.
I've walked past you and felt the heat.
I can't be good for you.
(26:09):
Yeah.
I think it's boiling you from the inside out.
We actually need to unpack this.
That's why you can't be trusted.
Can we do that after my birthday?
I feel like this would take days.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
No, that's all right.
I don't want to make it all about me.
But we'll put a pin in that.
We'll put a pin in that.
You're boiling your own brain.
I've recently tried to go to the shop and there's no balloons, so I'm guessing that
(26:30):
there's not going to be any balloons for your party.
Well, that's all right.
I've got an older cousin.
He's done his own escape room and we can do that.
And he said he's going to paint some balloons on the wall.
Like Winnie the Pooh?
Oh, how sweet.
That's really sweet.
It's really sweet.
Yeah, he's great.
Does Winnie the Pooh paint balloons?
Well, he's often on walls and he has balloons in his wall.
(26:51):
In all fairness, he is depicted with balloons.
Quite often.
Oh, OK.
I assume you're saying he drew balloons on walls.
No, no, no.
He can't draw.
Also, the evil thing from it is also depicted with balloons.
So that's not a good track record for Winnie.
No.
It's a 50-50 chance.
That's it.
If a child falls a red balloon, it will either be Winnie the Pooh or it.
(27:12):
Dancing, honey.
I'm glad I'm turning 18 and they're not losing interest in me.
Are we going to have alcohol?
Can't get an ID.
What about your older cousin?
He doesn't drink.
Makes escape rooms.
He can buy drink.
Could you ask him maybe to get something?
I'll ask him.
Yeah.
Last time I did that, he told me about the dangers of drinking.
(27:33):
And then he said you'd be much better off learning about Jesus.
But he doesn't know much about Jesus, so I don't know.
Hmm.
My favorite memory of Mayor Unders.
Well, if I can go back so far.
(27:54):
When the mayor was a boy, and a precocious boy he was at that, he used to deliver the newspaper in our part of town.
I guess at the time he wasn't the mayor, so he didn't really have a lot else to do.
But whenever he was delivering the paper, oftentimes he'd have a little insert that he put into the paper.
And at the time, I really did think that it was just, I did think it was strange, but I thought it was real.
(28:18):
That the newspaper would be basically bragging about the mayor and how great he was as a 13 year old boy.
You know, I haven't talked to my neighbors recently.
I think many of them actually still do believe what they read all those years ago.
And I do wonder if that's actually maybe why we even still really got him as the mayor.
But yeah, I think the paper was just full of lies and over exaggerations at best.
(28:44):
I'll stop subscribing to it soon after that.
I think the mayor actually now does his own little online newsletter, but I can't say I use the computer too much these days, so I don't really follow.
So what you're saying is you want me to kind of incorporate alcohol into the escape room in some kind of way, like maybe have it be the prize at the end, maybe?
(29:10):
Or like the preamble?
No, no, no, you need to earn it.
No, you can't just come in and get something.
If you're coming into the escape room, you have to earn it.
It's part of the process.
Um, could you just do some cons inside and then like have like champagne at the end?
It's not about the fun.
(29:31):
It's about escaping.
I see a book of advanced quantum mechanics.
That's not going to be in the escape room, is it?
You weren't supposed to see that.
Buy me beer, please.
So he said no, then?
Well, he said a lot of things, but I think it's a no.
I got a confession to make.
(29:53):
Since yesterday, I did lose track of Jerry.
The coordinates go to the wrong place.
If he titles on me, what they're going to be doing is bidding a flower shop.
Oh, so you gave him the...
I gave him the wrong coordinates.
I'll feel bad if he didn't betray me, but if he did, we'll hear about it.
(30:14):
Honestly, I think he probably did.
He's been gone a fair while now.
I don't want to be friends with him anymore.
Thank God you brought that up.
I'm so glad you said it.
I am so glad you mentioned that.
Honestly, I can't stand him.
Such a drama queen.
Loves the attention.
Every time when I was watching him, all he was doing was just like when he would walk down the street,
(30:37):
he would be like, look at me, run out into the street, stop cars and then proceed to walk home.
It's weird.
It's not.
Mayor Anders sure don't unremember him well.
I remember he brought in that new initiative to try and lower travel costs for everybody in the town.
(31:01):
He says it would make everybody a lot more connected and turns out he just wanted everybody to travel as the crew flies.
My favourite thing about Mayor Anders is that I regularly see him in my dreams.
Whenever I see him, I know I'm asleep and I feel safe that the Mayor is watching over me.
(31:27):
Oh no, I've got a text. Fuck's sake.
Alright SWAT team, so we got a contact from the little boy and he said there's a person having an 18 year old birthday party here in this flower shop.
(31:48):
And we're at Jack Does Hell.
Yes bro.
And we need to go in there and stop him.
You're gonna smash the shit out of that store.
I'm gonna go icey vines, I'm gonna repel down those vines.
Repel down those vines in the flower shop.
Bro, what have you been doing for those traps? Your traps. Oh my god.
(32:09):
Your traps are trapping my eyes.
They are shredded.
You definitely changed up the routine bro.
Guys, I've been squatting 57 times a day.
You've been squatting for your traps?
How the hell did you get your squats to work for your traps? I have no idea.
You know me guys, this guy.
He squats upside down. It's crazy.
This guy is revolution.
(32:31):
Your head is looking gorgeous.
Yeah, you're right. It's only one at the barbers.
One?
One bro.
How's it so long?
Bro, you should see my barber. These dumb bracken barbers, I swear they are the bomb.
Bro, damn.
Hey look at me.
What do you want kids?
Hey kid, do you want to be a SWAT member?
(32:54):
No, no. Look at this. Look at this.
Stop running into traffic.
Get out of the road of the car.
You want to get jacked up by some jack guys?
Get the fuck off the road.
Bro, that's the wrong way to get jacked.
There's a right way to get jacked and a wrong way to get jacked.
That's not the right way.
Okay guys, I'm going to come up to you then.
We'll meet you in the church of iron on Saturday.
And we'll show you how to get properly jacked.
You're going to come with us.
(33:15):
We're going to swap those traps in your eyeballs.
You're going to come with us.
And we're going to teach you how to get traps like this guy.
I think it's about time we got a new member, isn't it boys?
Damn right.
What do you say little boy?
You want to take turn to floor shop?
Yeah.
Swap, swap, swap, swap, swap.
Hey guys, look at this.
(33:36):
I'm going to repel down the roof.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
He didn't even grab the rope.
He didn't even.
Oh my God.
Oh shit.
Can we get some paramedics in here?
Sir, please.
We do need through with the ambulance right now, if that's possible.
(33:59):
2 AM.
I've been here since 2 AM.
I don't care.
We as emergency service need to get through.
Just drive around.
Drive around.
We cannot drive around.
I cannot move.
As soon as I move, someone's going to steal my spot.
Bench him.
Bench him.
Quirt.
Bench him back to life.
Quirt.
This will help my traps look so good.
I'm so anxious.
(34:20):
I'm just going to do push-ups on the side.
I'm just going to do push-ups on the side of the road.
Bruh, bruh.
Damn bro.
Your pecs are popping.
Oh my God, yeah.
I'm so sad for him.
They're popping.
They're popping in sadness.
A little boy is in danger.
Little boy's always in danger.
Just parades only today.
What a tragedy.
What an absolute tragedy.
(34:41):
Horrible.
What a horrible, horrible trip.
What a regret.
What a terrible trip.
We're gonna throw a smoke bomb guys.
RUN!
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
There's a wonderful chap.
(35:03):
Wonderful chap.
I met him at the country club and also the golf club.
Yeah, yeah, so we were playing a quick nine holes the other day and, uh.
And I told him, I said, oh, you know, I've been having some problems with an employee
of mine.
who's detailed with looking after my accounts and so forth.
I said I needed him to be, you know, possibly quietly removed and taken out of situation.
(35:23):
And he tapped his note a couple of times and said,
don't worry, I'll make your problem disappear.
And I said, that'll be really, really top notch.
I think they find the body in some sort of landfill.
And I, you know, I'm not saying it was the mayor directly,
but he clearly knows how to get things done around here.
And that's really, really quite good for a time like this.
(35:47):
It has sort of backfired on me.
I actually needed this accountant to be able to sort of actually release some of my funds.
His death has possibly led to some additional legal strife.
But, you know, I can't blame that on the mayor.
You have to put that down to look at all me.
That's my fault.
The mayor himself, you know, problem solver.
Yes. Love that man.
(36:15):
Any second, any second, our floats going to come around this corner
and all this hours of waiting will happen for something.
Yeah.
I'd like to think so.
Yeah. We have been standing here for quite some time.
You say she pelted herself?
Yeah.
And you didn't help her?
No, she refused to show me what it looked like.
(36:36):
Wow.
And did she say how fast it goes?
I think floats have a legal limit.
And what's the maximum legal?
I think three miles per hour.
Is she sticking to that?
I think it's determined by these other floats ahead of it.
Yeah.
Oh, they're all going pretty slow.
I'd be very surprised if it starts going faster than other people marching in the parade.
(36:57):
Yeah.
I would love to see it though.
I would love to see that as well.
Your daughter could make headlines.
I don't think you're allowed to overtake.
I think that's unsportsmanly.
I am not thinking about overtaking.
What did she pot as the float?
Well.
Any spoilers?
It's like all the other floats.
It's of the mare.
It's a robust, tall man.
(37:19):
Yeah.
It's her artistic interpretation of our mare.
A name or spirit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She went for flesh.
Oh, right.
Because that one's his aura.
I thought it was a wonderful take.
She's gone for a visual representation.
She says it's very similar to him.
Of the flesh of the mare.
(37:40):
Yeah.
I like how they all, all floats have to say what type of spirit they take in like aura
or flesh or name.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One's doing bone marrow and apparently it's going to be really exciting.
Apparently it's very white.
I heard that they couldn't get enough, but it had to be cancelled.
(38:01):
You're joking me.
Yeah.
They couldn't make enough.
So there's half of a bone marrow one.
It's a shame that the town wasn't all pulled together and don't eat as much as they could.
Which we were planning in our bodies, but now.
This is what I think is so great about the parade.
It's really great for community spirit and I think we should have one maybe every day.
(38:22):
I'm just thankful I'm moving out because this town can't even put together a bone marrow float.
Yeah.
What's the point of being here?
No community spirit anymore.
Nothing.
Well, if we have more opportunities to have parades like this and make little floats,
then maybe people could come together more and donate more bone marrow.
You could have even a bone marrow donation awareness parade.
(38:46):
Well, I don't know how to, because then they're going to have to use the bone marrow to make the float together.
Yeah.
We can't even make the one sound float.
The bone marrow is aura.
Precisely.
And we want a parade.
Oh, or the bone marrow is aura.
Which is, is that just a bone?
I think so.
I suppose it is what surrounds you.
It's what surrounds the marrow.
And flesh.
Well, it would be our children's interpretation of all these things.
I think it's wonderful.
(39:07):
I suppose you could go from the core and then you could go bone marrow, bone, flesh and
ligament and then skin, maybe hair.
We'll see how we do.
Then maybe gene and then maybe sock.
I mean, no, you're putting ideas in my head.
No, exactly.
I'd love to hear it.
(39:28):
That's so many ideas.
That's enough to inspire maybe two parades.
Sorry, while you were talking, there was one that admittedly you can still see the behind
of it, but it said under mayor unders and the drivers actually being escorted away by
police.
Unbelievable.
See?
Oh, this fricking time.
I'm, I'm so glad I'm getting it.
So much events and drama.
(39:50):
Just think if we stopped all traffic in town centre every day, I'm sorry, that was not
two to three hours just after lunch.
That was a crime.
That's borderline flashing.
Are you the ones doing the news for the mayor?
(40:13):
Oh, thank God.
I've been looking around half a dumb bracket looking for you.
Well, what is there to say about the man that I haven't already said in my online blog?
I love him the best.
I think he is the best thing that's ever happened to this time.
I've been at every one of his speeches and every one of his showers.
(40:35):
I'm sorry.
Cut that.
Cut that.
I just think he's so handsome.
I think he really brightens the town up and when he installed those flower boxes, I thought
why can't we just have lots of little pictures of you?
You're just as gorgeous.
And Mayor Unders, what a name.
I mean, it makes you immediately think.
I know, no, no.
(40:57):
I mean, I haven't been stealing his underwear.
I haven't.
I don't even know where he lives.
Sorry.
Sorry.
The celebrations are wonderful.
I love that he's got all the cows of the town just walking around the streets.
You know, they don't smell great, but it makes you think about our economy and our livestock
and just how much milk that man could drink.
(41:21):
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I've seen him through his windows.
He drinks about two pints a night.
And usually you'd think that'd be a lot for a man, but he just guzzled it right down.
He guzzles it.
He's like a hose backwards.
He's like a wet vacuum.
And just thinking about me makes...
(41:44):
Just thinking about me.
Just thinking about me gets him excited.
I hope.
At least that's what it says in my fan fiction.
I haven't...no.
You can find it on my blog.
MayorUndersfans.Underswans.
Yes, Underswans is what we call ourselves because it's like his underwear, but we're his fans.
(42:05):
He's amazing.
All right, kids, put on your ponchos and gas masks.
It's a wonderful life float coming up.
This is what life would be like if we never got our mayor.
The town would be fruit ashes.
There would just be fire.
(42:27):
Can I breathe under the mask?
I have to take a big breath before the mask.
Take a big breath now.
You'll be able to breathe, but it'll be difficult.
Yes, sir. I have...
We never may have to thank for this.
I have pretty bad asthma, so is it OK if I sort of half put it on?
I would recommend going low to the ground.
Low to the ground?
Low to the ground.
So in case I fall, it's more...
No, no, there will be a lot of smoke and dust and ashes.
(42:50):
It will be tough.
So you are pumping the stuff out around the float.
I support the float, yes.
That's what that smoke machine and what that ash machine and the viscera machine was for?
The viscera machine is for later, but right now it's just the smoke and ash.
OK, so we're going to have to take a deep breath.
How fast is this float going to go for?
Like how long is it going to take to get to the end of the float?
Well, you know what?
(43:11):
This is a good chance to do your maths homework as well.
It takes three miles of power.
We have a 20-metre road.
Right.
Work it out.
So it can go 6,000 metres an hour.
And yes.
It can float in the air.
So does that make it faster?
Sorry, it cannot float in the air.
It doesn't literally float.
What?
(43:32):
What?
It's just called a float.
So what's under there?
Yeah.
Wheels.
Like a car?
It's just a car.
It's a bus.
A float is a kind of car.
Damaged bus.
It's a damaged bus.
In this case, very literally, it is a burnt out bus.
I was in a damaged bus once and it was not as fun.
Her bus tipped over once and hit a slurry tiger.
It went right into an oak tree.
(43:55):
That sounds challenging.
I'm surprised that I hadn't heard about that.
Philip, when do you want me to put the viscera machine on for the kids?
Later.
We have a tight schedule.
All right.
And once the ashes start, we won't be able to check it.
You should have memorised it.
What sort of ashes is this?
(44:17):
Literal ashes.
Yeah, my grandma died last week and Philip said if you've got any recent family death,
use the ashes.
I bet they would be honoured to be part of the mayors.
I haven't had a close family member die, so can I use my guinea pig ashes?
Do you have them, are you?
(44:38):
Yeah, they're just in my book bag.
I know, I actually don't think my grandma would appreciate her ashes being mixed with
the hamster ashes.
What are you saying about my guinea pig ashes?
It's not about your grandma, it's not about your guinea pig.
Today it's about the mayor.
Did she hear this?
He said that my guinea pig is not as good as his noun.
I'm sorry, you're a child and I'm the teacher and assistant, so I think...
Which means you had more time with your grandmother than she had with her guinea pig.
(45:02):
And I'll also say this, you don't need to be my teaching assistant on the weekends.
Well, I know that, but it's funny because your guinea pig probably died the similar
way to my grandma.
Really?
Yeah.
Shot by an arsonist?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
Shot by an arsonist?
(45:26):
So a murderer, I think arsonists go second in that equation.
Arsonists would have been easier if we would have kept the ashes there.
Well, good for you, Don Bracken.
(45:47):
You only went and done it.
The mayor is not coming out for his big speech.
All because of you.
On his day of days, he heard screaming, he heard sirens, he heard smoke bombs.
He saw a full freight train full of helium, dangling above the city.
(46:11):
And said it brought back PTSD of when he saw Colonel Marzipan production and refused to show his face.
Not enough people are snitching on their fellow townspeople.
And not enough people are thanking the mayor for everything he's done for you this year.
You've ruined his big day and you will deserve whatever punishment he deems fit for betrayal as heinous as you all have shown him.
(46:41):
Now you might just have to wait another year to finally hear him speak.
Maybe he'll be cast by then.
Thank you for listening to the finale of season two of Back to Don Bracken.
It will be taking a, well, it will sort of be taking a break.
(47:04):
We'll finish season two. Season three won't be out for a while.
Probably February or March of next year.
But I can't wait to get, I'm already building season three as I speak now.
And in the meantime, we're going to have some like Christmas episodes and things.
So maybe a bit more sporadic until season three kicks off in around March time.
But we're going to have like Christmas episodes and different things like of that ilk.
(47:28):
But if you enjoyed this past year of Don Bracken, please do share it with friends.
It's been wild how many people have seemingly actually listened and enjoyed this.
And at the end of the day, we are just making each other laugh. So it's amazing to think that we have the chance to make other people laugh.
And I hope we get to continue doing that for a long, long time.
(47:53):
I want to thank all 40 people who over the past year have given up their time and allowed me to record them being hilarious.
This episode especially we had Patrick Meyer, we had Laura Conlon, Ciaran Sands, Amelia Price, Eddie Goodwin, Owen Fox and Declan King.
(48:15):
And then I also had a lot of people doing actual call.
Thank you to everyone who called in, gave voice notes about what they thought about the mayor.
That was a lot of the cast from across this season. So it was lovely to get more voices in for this one.
And I just want to say a final thank you to you. Thank you for listening.
Please do if you've enjoyed this, like, share, rate it on your platform of choice.
(48:38):
And we will be back before you know it. Oh, I've got some good ideas for next season.
This is going to be awesome. Do I have anything else left to say?
Oh, if you want to follow and keep up to date, follow at Don Bracken pod on the socials,
mostly on Instagram if you want to keep up to date with when episodes will be out and like especially in the off season.
(49:01):
If you want to follow my own page, it's at Cornelis McVeigh.
And the name kind of sounds like it should or kind of spells like it should.
The name is difficult to people for seemingly. So just look it in the show notes.
You can also follow all of the cast and things like that from the show notes as well.
Should be links to their Instagrams and what not.
(49:22):
Thank you very much for listening. You have wonderful taste.
Thank you for tuning in for an entire year. Good night and good year.
Mayor Anders? How he's helped me like that? I don't know. He's a weird one that man.
(00:14):
You know, look at all this shit around us. It's a bunch of his pictures on old Google
pride floats and stuff. This is, this is awful. He's a bit of a weird fellow. I've felt it
ever since I saw him in the cinema recently to see The Apprentice. I saw him there, I
(00:35):
was like, there you go, local celebrity, latida, sat down in the row in front of him, gave
him a tip and meal. And you know, I started watching, watching this film take place, Jeremy
Strong killing it. And all of a sudden I just hear all these scribbles behind me and I look
behind and Anders is just taking notes. All the time The Apprentice is going, Anders is
(01:00):
taking notes. I try to ignore this for most of the time, but then he just puts his feet
through the little gap between the seats, you know, where you can kind of nestle your
feet in it. There's nobody in the row in front and you can kind of relax. He goes and does
that and I'm stuck there with his feet beside my elbow and I can't move my elbow because
(01:25):
then he'll be alerted to the fact that my elbow is not the arm rest and then it'll be
really awkward. So to answer your question, book on.
(02:00):
Welcome back to Dunbracken.
The mayor is wonderful, not an ordinary man at all. You can tell from his bone structure,
poise and posture that this man was born to administer civic issues and hand down decrees
(02:20):
that benefit the whole of the town. As the for now unofficial mayoral correspondent,
I have unique insight into the man's psyche and mindset. Him falling asleep at town hall
meetings, a poor move against those who would dare oppose him and waste his time. The poor
fitting attire and unkempt appearance day to day, a searing nod to those who are more
(02:46):
style over substance. The mayor's speeches are masterpieces of ambiguity. He knows how
to say nothing and make it sound like everything. I've watched him speak for an hour on the
subject of local road works and leave everyone both confused and amazed. Somehow feeling
(03:08):
as though they've just received the answers to life's most profound questions. The brilliance
is in the delivery, the rhetoric. It is not the answer that you get that matters, but
the fact that you feel heard, you feel important. That's the mayor's gift. Now piss off you
(03:28):
filthy commoner. I'm busy inspecting his recycling to uncover the true genius behind his leadership.
If he ever did recycle that is.
I've been here since 5 a.m. to get the best spot for the parade. And you think you can
(03:55):
just waltz right in front of me and block my view?
I was just walking here.
Well keep walking.
I just wanted to see the mayor and all the flouts and things.
We all want to see it, but some of us want to see it more than others.
Except for me, I'm the one who wants to see it the most.
But you sat down, so you're gonna be at a really low down vantage point.
(04:19):
Yeah, but I'm at the front. It's fine to be at a low vantage point. I want to sit out
in front of me. Not you.
Why did you leave all that space? There's like enough space for at least one person,
maybe two to get from you.
I like to stretch my legs. I've reserved these spaces since June.
(04:40):
There's three more seats there. You've just got different types of seats.
Yeah.
And they fall all over people?
They're all mine. What part do you not understand? If I don't get the ones in front of me, they
block my view.
But, could I sit in one of them?
No. Of course not. You idiot. Why would it make you think you could sit there? These
(05:03):
are the seats for the biggest fan of the mayor. That's not you. Is it you? You get the mayor's
name tattooed on your back?
No.
It just says mayor.
(05:23):
Yeah. The rest is in ink, the exact tone of his skin.
Or you just save it up for it.
No. It's there. You just won't know it until I get a tan.
Well, I have to say that the mayor has been extremely helpful this year. He was able to
(05:50):
help myself and all of the cadets and recruits down at the local army base. One of the major
things that the mayor decided to do was pay for our new latrines. So of course, as you've
probably seen, there was a huge muddy ditch that everyone had to urinate and defecate
into. I would have to say it was the most appalling sight on the eyes and the smell
(06:16):
wasn't too good either. And the mayor stepped in, the mayor literally stepped in, the mayor
of course, stepped into the shuck. And that was that period, the start of last year where
he went missing for a few days. He got stuck in the old shuck. I think you remember the
headlines. Mayor missing. And then when he was retrieved from the shuck, it was mayor
(06:42):
unstuck from shuck. Anyway, the mayor was in good humor about it but decided we needed
actual latrines. So we have those now and I have to say that I really appreciate the
way you're doing that as do all of the recruits and cadets.
(07:07):
Hello?
Hello! Hi, we're here from City Council.
Oh, I wasn't expecting anyone from City Council today.
Hello, we're from City Council.
Hello.
Okay, yes, I get, yeah, how can I help?
We have been sent by the mayor.
By the mayor himself.
To give you a new TV.
(07:28):
You have won.
Congratulations.
Oh, we've won.
You have won. This entire TV is all yours.
And as you can see here, by my documents, these are signed by the mayor. This is legal,
this is not a scam.
Pressed by his hand.
Indeed, himself.
We've won a TV.
An entire TV all to yourself.
Oh my god, this is like, this has never happened to me. What size is it?
(07:53):
Oh, look at the back of this car, don't you see?
Oh, it's right here right now.
It's right here right now.
We've brought the TV with us.
Oh my god.
We're even going to bring it in and install it.
Martin, Martin, who's at the door?
It's, what are your names? These guys from the mayor's office, from the council.
Frombo.
We've won a TV.
It's about the TV license. I told them that I paid that, honestly.
(08:16):
No, no, no.
I told them. We got the letters.
No, no, shut up George. It's, we've won a TV. They're giving us a TV.
What? This is going to start this whole TV license thing again.
Shut up.
I've got four court summons. I can't have another one.
George, shut, you don't talk about the TV license right now.
(08:37):
I would like you to know that this TV does come with the TV license prepaid for five years.
Sweet. Bring it in.
We're free.
Wheel it in.
It is 62 inches.
Me and Joel will help you lift it in now.
Yes, of course.
We're going to have to get rid of the crib.
Yeah, I think, and I think the toddler's bed as well.
Yes, we can rearrange the kid's room.
Can an infant be on a bunk bed?
(08:58):
Sorry?
Can an infant be on a bunk bed?
I don't care.
Do you think that's safe?
I don't care.
Pop or rotten bunk?
We've got a 62 inch TV, George.
I know.
So you want it upstairs then?
Oh, my back, my back.
I think we need to get our, hang on, I'm just going to get on the phone here.
I'm going to strap on my little helping back solution.
(09:19):
Bongo, Bongo.
What?
Bongo, we need you at this house. We've got to carry the TV in. Pronto.
You need me to lift something?
Yes.
We're at 62 Oak Ridge.
Okay, I'll be right there. Pronto.
Thank you, Bongo.
The mayor has been very unhelpful to me and my fellow creatures this year.
(09:47):
After he got stuck in our shuck home, he, he removed the whole thing.
Where are me and my brethren supposed to spawn now?
It's a terrible shame.
We've had to now come further above ground, see me walking around the town.
(10:09):
Oh, it's a pity. It's such a pity.
My flippers and fins are not made for above ground.
So we are very much anti-mayor this year.
Celebrate the mayor?
I don't think so.
In fact, we are thinking of having our own mayoral candidate for the next elections.
(10:35):
Vasovik Swampfin.
We will fully support him.
We have yet to get the humans to also support us.
Excuse me, folks.
We're going to have to clear this area and move these railings.
(10:59):
I'm really sorry.
You can't do this to me.
Sorry, the ambulance needs to go somewhere.
The ambulance doesn't need to go anywhere.
There's no emergency that's more important than this.
No, we don't have any emergencies yet, but we want to be on site from when they might happen.
So we need our ambulance to be set up here.
If I don't see the mayor in all his glory, I will die.
(11:23):
He has reserved these seats since June.
Thank you.
Stools themselves or their placement?
Good question. Both have been reserved.
I've reserved the stools and if you look, in fact, I've bolted them to the pavement.
Okay, well, do you have a way to remove these or am I going to have to get the fire crew?
Look, the fire crew tried and failed to remove these seats.
(11:47):
Just because I block a fire hydrant, they think they can move me.
I need to ask the two of you to get to the back of the crowd somewhere else in another sector and another quadrant.
He reserved these seats. My good friend reserved three seats for me.
We're not friends and you don't get one of these seats.
I appreciate you backing me up.
Could be friends.
Listen, what if one of you need this ambulance in a few hours?
(12:11):
I'd rather die than disrupt the mayor's parade, okay?
If I have a heart attack and you bring those sirens interrupting the mayor's speech,
I will make sure to die quicker so you can turn them off, okay?
Well, we wouldn't. Sir, we wouldn't need to have the sirens on if the ambulance is actually on site of the parade.
This is the most efficient spot for us to be to set up, to do first aid, to administer things.
(12:36):
Of course we know that. Why do you think we're here four hours before the parade?
We know it's the best spot.
Okay, we haven't been here four hours before. I've been here for the last 12 hours.
And I tripped over a bolted still.
You tried to kick it over.
I did after I tripped over it. I turned around and I kicked it.
Oh my god, you have some blood on your converse there. Are you in pain?
He's fine. Now, look, you're quite clearly a dedicated emergency worker.
(13:01):
Work hard. Today's a special day. Take it off.
Do you need a seat?
Take it off. Take the day off. You can't have a seat, but you should take it off.
Medical emergencies don't take the day off.
They do. They do today.
Do you need to get medical aid?
I'm not a kid. I'm 12.
All right, sir. Do you need medical aid?
If he's old enough to work in the Army, he's old enough to know when he's healthy.
(13:25):
Am I old enough to work in the Army?
I believe so.
I'm going to try it for that.
Under Mayor Unders, yes.
Yeah. Now, it's technically a militia, but still.
Oh, maybe I could get Colonel Marsapad to teach me.
Don't go near that man.
Yeah. He freaks me out. I don't know which wars he's fought in.
(13:53):
I went to school with Mayor Unders. I won't have a bad word said against that man.
I see that man. He's walking past my shop. I always shout,
I always say, hey, Mayor Unders, come on in, mate. Come on in.
And I always said to him, look, you can take whatever you want in here.
And he does that. He comes in. He lifts some things off the shelf.
He likes to get some of the expensive bits and pieces.
(14:14):
And that's fine. And I don't mind that because I say I'll do anything for that fat man.
I was at school with that man.
And he used to always do that when he was younger.
He always said to me, oh, I'll get the aid to come and pay you afterwards.
I had never seen him with no aid. I don't think that's the sort of man he is.
He's a selfless man. He just comes in and takes it.
He even stole my girlfriend. But I do want to say I have no resentful thinking towards him.
(14:36):
Because to be honest here, the man is an absolute legend.
Mayor, I'm so sorry. I've got some terrible news.
The train with the 12 carts full of helium hit through the sky.
Apparently, you're meant to have counterweights between each cart.
(14:57):
We did not know this. We didn't know.
So not only do we not have helium for your birthday,
there's a 25-ton freight train hovering over the city,
with one open door away from it, crashing down on whatever it may hover over.
Please don't punish us, Mayor.
Please don't put me in a room full of balloons that is about to fly away to our moments' notice.
(15:27):
Right, where does this need to go?
Right, Bongo, they have asked us to put this up into their toddler's room.
Just up the stairs. It's the multimedia room now.
Oh, got it.
Cinema.
Can I ask you, is this the room that most people would generally be in, in your house?
No, so our third son is a pool table's room.
Oh, OK, mind the pool table. Our son's room is now a pool table room.
(15:52):
And our toddler's is going to be a multimedia room. So excited.
This will be able to hear through walls, so that's fine.
So?
As long as it's a room that people will...
You'll be able to hear it through the walls.
Yes, it's quite loud.
We hear it throughout the house.
Speakers installed into the side of the television.
It comes with the speakers as part of it,
which I believe is quite common for TVs nowadays anyway.
(16:13):
Oh, there's a little dungly bit spilled down. I'm sticking back on top.
Don't mess with me. I will do that, Bongo.
What's that on top of it?
The antenna.
Why's it got a lens?
That's for you to hit record and record TV, not yourself.
That's right, guys. I got this.
(16:36):
That is an old thing from the Xbox Kinect, if you remember.
So your kids can play on the TV.
Bongo, you've just described a camera to them.
Is that a camera?
No, no, it is not.
It's part of the free TV experience.
And if you want the 62-inch free TV,
(16:59):
we have TV licenses already paid and all 999 Sky channels.
And also, we do have to disclaim that the 62-inches are made up of 14 different cameras.
There is a TV in there.
Where? It's mostly just lenses. It looks like a camera shop in here.
It's all right. I got this, fellas.
It's like one of them ring light things.
(17:23):
From the City Council, Bongo, I'm your man.
Bongo, stop describing types of cameras.
Ring light? Like one of those doorbells that record people?
Yes, so that when you are watching you always feel welcome.
You always know your reactions to TV shows.
Like Gogglebox, but for yourselves and for the government.
(17:46):
You can be your own celebrity.
Why? Can't we just have one without the cameras?
Well, we have your signature now and this one, so it'll be a waste of Bongo's back.
Martin, did you already sign it?
Well, he said it was a 62-inch TV. I'm not going to ask questions.
The TV must be on at all times.
And he has already put the cot and the toddler's bed outside.
(18:07):
So you will have to keep it in the room now unless you pay Bongo a hefty amount of money to do it again.
Because he's not cheap.
Well, I want you to know that my Martin's been going to the gym.
Hang on, George. Easy.
You're going to prove it to me now. And you're going to kick it down the stairs.
Bongo, shut up!
Bongo, no. Not yet.
(18:29):
Bongo, could I privately contract you to take this down?
Well, I mean, I do have a freelance side business, a bit of security and whatever.
Bongo, the mayor could find out about your indiscretion.
You are working for the government, Bongo.
Bongo, this sounds absolutely fabulous. How much you're a…
Sorry, I'm a professional these days. I work for the government.
(18:54):
Who knows where you live?
I am head of surveillance. So, you know…
You're head of surveillance. Are you in charge of those cameras?
That's why he knows so many different variations.
How… Why are the lights already on?
It's got Netflix on it. Already paid for.
Already paid for. All the channels you could ever want.
Why are the red… It's not even plugged in, but the lights…
(19:16):
That's a great question.
Already on. Yeah, you see, it's actually part of our new and improved nuclear program where it's been…
Nuclear program? We have kids in this house.
In a different room. They'll grow up different.
We still care about them. We don't want radioactive material.
(19:38):
You shifted their beds outside for a TV, so that's disgraceful.
We were going to get them bunk beds.
Yeah, we discussed that before you arrived.
In this day and age, people treat their children just like dogs.
We moved them out of the kennel months ago.
You don't read the terms and conditions and now you're stuck with a TV which must be on at all times recording you for life.
(20:00):
The mayor knows all that you do.
Do you remember when Mayor Unders won the trade fishing competition?
Everyone was convinced he'd just nipped out and bought it at the supermarket.
He denied it, of course, but if you look closely at the winner's photo of him holding it up,
them and things still in the packet.
(20:27):
I would say the mayor's helped me this year through allowing additional hauntings throughout the town to occur not only at Halloween,
but over the entire year.
It's been very lucrative for my business as a medium.
And I would say it's been so great, not only for my business, but also it's kept the spiders away in the house.
(20:52):
You know, you say the house spiders are good for the flies and other critters,
and the ghosts are fantastic for the spiders, so I am very, very welcome for that.
It saved me a lot of fright during the night because I don't like spiders, me, it's not my thing.
But I do appreciate a lot of citizens are quite frightened of the phantoms that roam the streets day in and day out.
(21:19):
They really do try to frighten people with the blood writing on the mirrors,
but honestly I just think it's part of the quirks of the town.
But if anyone's interested, I do offer readings and I also offer hauntings.
So if you would like to have a neighbour frightened, I do have a sheet in the back of my car,
(21:45):
and I can offer it myself and give them a fright.
Alright everyone, please, you've got to keep this a secret, alright?
Now I know we're not allowed to have a birthday party the same day as the mayor's,
but I really want to celebrate my 18th birthday, so here's the plan.
(22:10):
Who's God?
It's alright, we can make it through this.
This is dangerous.
It is dangerous. Here's the plan.
I'm going to arrive in separate cars.
To your house or to an event venue?
There will be a letter under your doormat with the coordinates.
Okay, good, good, good.
Aren't you scared about leaving a trace? Like what if he finds a letter, like even in the rubbish?
Do we have to burn the letter after we memorise the coordinates?
(22:33):
Everyone but you burn the letter, you will forget the coordinates.
That's a good idea.
I know you, Geoffrey, you will forget them.
Are you worried about me giving information to the mayor?
I wasn't.
Then I have evidence on myself and I become a prime target, so I have to be watched.
But who's...?
I'll also watch him.
Okay, thank you. Okay, that's a relief, that's a relief.
Thank you, Daniel.
I'm not worried about you because you would make the worst witness in court.
(22:56):
Wait!
I don't think this would go to court.
We don't know, we don't know what the mayor would do.
In what way are we worst witness? Like he's witnessed too much or he kind of rambles and wouldn't give good evidence?
I think the jury would turn on him.
Yeah, you do have that type of face, I'm sorry.
What, if I get caught now I'm going to give you up.
Whoa!
Well, now it's safe apparently because I can't be trusted in court.
(23:19):
On his birthday too.
Yeah, on his birthday.
Oh, shame.
It's not my birthday yet.
Oh no, sorry.
It's tough because I can't get my birth certificate, the mayor's blocked us.
Where's it going to be?
Okay, that's what the coordinates are for, but we're all going to have to bring our own slice of cake.
Does it matter what type?
I would like it, I would like it if we could all get like a Black Forest Gatto, just...
(23:40):
Okay, but I'm allergic to cherries, so...
Okay, okay.
It's his birthday though.
No, that's alright.
What an American suspicious that has been...
I mean, I will eat it if you want to.
No, no, don't die on my birthday.
You can bring it, you just don't have to eat it.
I've got the EpiPen.
Oh yeah.
No, no, no, because...
Oh no, because I know it's important to you, I know it's important to you.
No, it's fine.
It's okay.
(24:01):
It's fine, we can just go with a chocolate cake.
No, it's okay, I'm okay.
I can get one without cherries if we're getting separate cakes.
Well, okay, but if you want me to, you can just ask and I will have anaphylactic shock for you.
This is why I trust you so much, Mornin' Jeffrey.
You're willing to put down your life.
I am.
I will turn immediately upon perjury of my life.
Now I'm going to watch you.
You can't be trusted.
You can trust me.
(24:22):
Don't give Jeffrey your EpiPen.
Oh, oh yeah, oh no, no, no, we know what happened last time.
Yeah.
Stab yourself in the thumb.
Yep, was awake for three days.
Also, also Sarah nearly died.
Yeah, I was having an anaphylactic shock.
It was quite...
I was having quite a shock as well.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
A shock to the system.
(24:43):
It distracted the paramedics.
Not intentionally, I just had so much energy.
It kind of felt intentional though.
It kind of did a bit.
It was a little bit like you're trying to steal the spotlight that you thought too much attention
was on Sarah.
Yeah, I get an anaphylactic shock and then you're like, oh, my thumb.
And I was just kind of on the stretcher and I couldn't breathe but I was looking at you
(25:04):
and I thought, how can my own friend do this to me?
Sorry, we've never unpacked it fully.
Even when Sarah was on the stretcher, you were like almost laying on top of a wave in
your thumb in front of the paramedic.
I only put my thumb on the stretcher.
I didn't put my whole body on the stretcher with her.
Only the injured part.
That's still weird.
It was two years ago and you still damage your thumb.
Yeah, yeah.
(25:25):
I have to protect myself.
From what?
You still carrying an EpiPen.
That is a danger to me.
I made the mistake once of giving you my EpiPen.
It's not going to happen again because we know you can't be trusted.
No, I don't trust you.
That's a good idea.
You need to watch me.
I'm watching.
I wonder what music are we going to have about it?
Can't have music.
What?
We can do like a signing disco if you want.
(25:48):
Okay, we could all listen to our own music then.
I only have wired headphones.
That's fine.
I think they're better for you.
I have knockoff AirPods.
That's probably why your brain's so fried.
Yeah.
Yeah, the radio waves.
That actually just means a lot.
Oh, just because they're huge and they have antennas?
Yeah.
I've walked past you and felt the heat.
I can't be good for you.
(26:09):
Yeah.
I think it's boiling you from the inside out.
We actually need to unpack this.
That's why you can't be trusted.
Can we do that after my birthday?
I feel like this would take days.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
No, that's all right.
I don't want to make it all about me.
But we'll put a pin in that.
We'll put a pin in that.
You're boiling your own brain.
I've recently tried to go to the shop and there's no balloons, so I'm guessing that
(26:30):
there's not going to be any balloons for your party.
Well, that's all right.
I've got an older cousin.
He's done his own escape room and we can do that.
And he said he's going to paint some balloons on the wall.
Like Winnie the Pooh?
Oh, how sweet.
That's really sweet.
It's really sweet.
Yeah, he's great.
Does Winnie the Pooh paint balloons?
Well, he's often on walls and he has balloons in his wall.
(26:51):
In all fairness, he is depicted with balloons.
Quite often.
Oh, OK.
I assume you're saying he drew balloons on walls.
No, no, no.
He can't draw.
Also, the evil thing from it is also depicted with balloons.
So that's not a good track record for Winnie.
No.
It's a 50-50 chance.
That's it.
If a child falls a red balloon, it will either be Winnie the Pooh or it.
(27:12):
Dancing, honey.
I'm glad I'm turning 18 and they're not losing interest in me.
Are we going to have alcohol?
Can't get an ID.
What about your older cousin?
He doesn't drink.
Makes escape rooms.
He can buy drink.
Could you ask him maybe to get something?
I'll ask him.
Yeah.
Last time I did that, he told me about the dangers of drinking.
(27:33):
And then he said you'd be much better off learning about Jesus.
But he doesn't know much about Jesus, so I don't know.
Hmm.
My favorite memory of Mayor Unders.
Well, if I can go back so far.
(27:54):
When the mayor was a boy, and a precocious boy he was at that, he used to deliver the newspaper in our part of town.
I guess at the time he wasn't the mayor, so he didn't really have a lot else to do.
But whenever he was delivering the paper, oftentimes he'd have a little insert that he put into the paper.
And at the time, I really did think that it was just, I did think it was strange, but I thought it was real.
(28:18):
That the newspaper would be basically bragging about the mayor and how great he was as a 13 year old boy.
You know, I haven't talked to my neighbors recently.
I think many of them actually still do believe what they read all those years ago.
And I do wonder if that's actually maybe why we even still really got him as the mayor.
But yeah, I think the paper was just full of lies and over exaggerations at best.
(28:44):
I'll stop subscribing to it soon after that.
I think the mayor actually now does his own little online newsletter, but I can't say I use the computer too much these days, so I don't really follow.
So what you're saying is you want me to kind of incorporate alcohol into the escape room in some kind of way, like maybe have it be the prize at the end, maybe?
(29:10):
Or like the preamble?
No, no, no, you need to earn it.
No, you can't just come in and get something.
If you're coming into the escape room, you have to earn it.
It's part of the process.
Um, could you just do some cons inside and then like have like champagne at the end?
It's not about the fun.
(29:31):
It's about escaping.
I see a book of advanced quantum mechanics.
That's not going to be in the escape room, is it?
You weren't supposed to see that.
Buy me beer, please.
So he said no, then?
Well, he said a lot of things, but I think it's a no.
I got a confession to make.
(29:53):
Since yesterday, I did lose track of Jerry.
The coordinates go to the wrong place.
If he titles on me, what they're going to be doing is bidding a flower shop.
Oh, so you gave him the...
I gave him the wrong coordinates.
I'll feel bad if he didn't betray me, but if he did, we'll hear about it.
(30:14):
Honestly, I think he probably did.
He's been gone a fair while now.
I don't want to be friends with him anymore.
Thank God you brought that up.
I'm so glad you said it.
I am so glad you mentioned that.
Honestly, I can't stand him.
Such a drama queen.
Loves the attention.
Every time when I was watching him, all he was doing was just like when he would walk down the street,
(30:37):
he would be like, look at me, run out into the street, stop cars and then proceed to walk home.
It's weird.
It's not.
Mayor Anders sure don't unremember him well.
I remember he brought in that new initiative to try and lower travel costs for everybody in the town.
(31:01):
He says it would make everybody a lot more connected and turns out he just wanted everybody to travel as the crew flies.
My favourite thing about Mayor Anders is that I regularly see him in my dreams.
Whenever I see him, I know I'm asleep and I feel safe that the Mayor is watching over me.
(31:27):
Oh no, I've got a text. Fuck's sake.
Alright SWAT team, so we got a contact from the little boy and he said there's a person having an 18 year old birthday party here in this flower shop.
(31:48):
And we're at Jack Does Hell.
Yes bro.
And we need to go in there and stop him.
You're gonna smash the shit out of that store.
I'm gonna go icey vines, I'm gonna repel down those vines.
Repel down those vines in the flower shop.
Bro, what have you been doing for those traps? Your traps. Oh my god.
(32:09):
Your traps are trapping my eyes.
They are shredded.
You definitely changed up the routine bro.
Guys, I've been squatting 57 times a day.
You've been squatting for your traps?
How the hell did you get your squats to work for your traps? I have no idea.
You know me guys, this guy.
He squats upside down. It's crazy.
This guy is revolution.
(32:31):
Your head is looking gorgeous.
Yeah, you're right. It's only one at the barbers.
One?
One bro.
How's it so long?
Bro, you should see my barber. These dumb bracken barbers, I swear they are the bomb.
Bro, damn.
Hey look at me.
What do you want kids?
Hey kid, do you want to be a SWAT member?
(32:54):
No, no. Look at this. Look at this.
Stop running into traffic.
Get out of the road of the car.
You want to get jacked up by some jack guys?
Get the fuck off the road.
Bro, that's the wrong way to get jacked.
There's a right way to get jacked and a wrong way to get jacked.
That's not the right way.
Okay guys, I'm going to come up to you then.
We'll meet you in the church of iron on Saturday.
And we'll show you how to get properly jacked.
You're going to come with us.
(33:15):
We're going to swap those traps in your eyeballs.
You're going to come with us.
And we're going to teach you how to get traps like this guy.
I think it's about time we got a new member, isn't it boys?
Damn right.
What do you say little boy?
You want to take turn to floor shop?
Yeah.
Swap, swap, swap, swap, swap.
Hey guys, look at this.
(33:36):
I'm going to repel down the roof.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit.
Oh my God.
He didn't even grab the rope.
He didn't even.
Oh my God.
Oh shit.
Can we get some paramedics in here?
Sir, please.
We do need through with the ambulance right now, if that's possible.
(33:59):
2 AM.
I've been here since 2 AM.
I don't care.
We as emergency service need to get through.
Just drive around.
Drive around.
We cannot drive around.
I cannot move.
As soon as I move, someone's going to steal my spot.
Bench him.
Bench him.
Quirt.
Bench him back to life.
Quirt.
This will help my traps look so good.
I'm so anxious.
(34:20):
I'm just going to do push-ups on the side.
I'm just going to do push-ups on the side of the road.
Bruh, bruh.
Damn bro.
Your pecs are popping.
Oh my God, yeah.
I'm so sad for him.
They're popping.
They're popping in sadness.
A little boy is in danger.
Little boy's always in danger.
Just parades only today.
What a tragedy.
What an absolute tragedy.
(34:41):
Horrible.
What a horrible, horrible trip.
What a regret.
What a terrible trip.
We're gonna throw a smoke bomb guys.
RUN!
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
That's what, that's what, that's what.
There's a wonderful chap.
(35:03):
Wonderful chap.
I met him at the country club and also the golf club.
Yeah, yeah, so we were playing a quick nine holes the other day and, uh.
And I told him, I said, oh, you know, I've been having some problems with an employee
of mine.
who's detailed with looking after my accounts and so forth.
I said I needed him to be, you know, possibly quietly removed and taken out of situation.
(35:23):
And he tapped his note a couple of times and said,
don't worry, I'll make your problem disappear.
And I said, that'll be really, really top notch.
I think they find the body in some sort of landfill.
And I, you know, I'm not saying it was the mayor directly,
but he clearly knows how to get things done around here.
And that's really, really quite good for a time like this.
(35:47):
It has sort of backfired on me.
I actually needed this accountant to be able to sort of actually release some of my funds.
His death has possibly led to some additional legal strife.
But, you know, I can't blame that on the mayor.
You have to put that down to look at all me.
That's my fault.
The mayor himself, you know, problem solver.
Yes. Love that man.
(36:15):
Any second, any second, our floats going to come around this corner
and all this hours of waiting will happen for something.
Yeah.
I'd like to think so.
Yeah. We have been standing here for quite some time.
You say she pelted herself?
Yeah.
And you didn't help her?
No, she refused to show me what it looked like.
(36:36):
Wow.
And did she say how fast it goes?
I think floats have a legal limit.
And what's the maximum legal?
I think three miles per hour.
Is she sticking to that?
I think it's determined by these other floats ahead of it.
Yeah.
Oh, they're all going pretty slow.
I'd be very surprised if it starts going faster than other people marching in the parade.
(36:57):
Yeah.
I would love to see it though.
I would love to see that as well.
Your daughter could make headlines.
I don't think you're allowed to overtake.
I think that's unsportsmanly.
I am not thinking about overtaking.
What did she pot as the float?
Well.
Any spoilers?
It's like all the other floats.
It's of the mare.
It's a robust, tall man.
(37:19):
Yeah.
It's her artistic interpretation of our mare.
A name or spirit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She went for flesh.
Oh, right.
Because that one's his aura.
I thought it was a wonderful take.
She's gone for a visual representation.
She says it's very similar to him.
Of the flesh of the mare.
(37:40):
Yeah.
I like how they all, all floats have to say what type of spirit they take in like aura
or flesh or name.
Yeah.
Yeah.
One's doing bone marrow and apparently it's going to be really exciting.
Apparently it's very white.
I heard that they couldn't get enough, but it had to be cancelled.
(38:01):
You're joking me.
Yeah.
They couldn't make enough.
So there's half of a bone marrow one.
It's a shame that the town wasn't all pulled together and don't eat as much as they could.
Which we were planning in our bodies, but now.
This is what I think is so great about the parade.
It's really great for community spirit and I think we should have one maybe every day.
(38:22):
I'm just thankful I'm moving out because this town can't even put together a bone marrow float.
Yeah.
What's the point of being here?
No community spirit anymore.
Nothing.
Well, if we have more opportunities to have parades like this and make little floats,
then maybe people could come together more and donate more bone marrow.
You could have even a bone marrow donation awareness parade.
(38:46):
Well, I don't know how to, because then they're going to have to use the bone marrow to make the float together.
Yeah.
We can't even make the one sound float.
The bone marrow is aura.
Precisely.
And we want a parade.
Oh, or the bone marrow is aura.
Which is, is that just a bone?
I think so.
I suppose it is what surrounds you.
It's what surrounds the marrow.
And flesh.
Well, it would be our children's interpretation of all these things.
I think it's wonderful.
(39:07):
I suppose you could go from the core and then you could go bone marrow, bone, flesh and
ligament and then skin, maybe hair.
We'll see how we do.
Then maybe gene and then maybe sock.
I mean, no, you're putting ideas in my head.
No, exactly.
I'd love to hear it.
(39:28):
That's so many ideas.
That's enough to inspire maybe two parades.
Sorry, while you were talking, there was one that admittedly you can still see the behind
of it, but it said under mayor unders and the drivers actually being escorted away by
police.
Unbelievable.
See?
Oh, this fricking time.
I'm, I'm so glad I'm getting it.
So much events and drama.
(39:50):
Just think if we stopped all traffic in town centre every day, I'm sorry, that was not
two to three hours just after lunch.
That was a crime.
That's borderline flashing.
Are you the ones doing the news for the mayor?
(40:13):
Oh, thank God.
I've been looking around half a dumb bracket looking for you.
Well, what is there to say about the man that I haven't already said in my online blog?
I love him the best.
I think he is the best thing that's ever happened to this time.
I've been at every one of his speeches and every one of his showers.
(40:35):
I'm sorry.
Cut that.
Cut that.
I just think he's so handsome.
I think he really brightens the town up and when he installed those flower boxes, I thought
why can't we just have lots of little pictures of you?
You're just as gorgeous.
And Mayor Unders, what a name.
I mean, it makes you immediately think.
I know, no, no.
(40:57):
I mean, I haven't been stealing his underwear.
I haven't.
I don't even know where he lives.
Sorry.
Sorry.
The celebrations are wonderful.
I love that he's got all the cows of the town just walking around the streets.
You know, they don't smell great, but it makes you think about our economy and our livestock
and just how much milk that man could drink.
(41:21):
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I said.
I've seen him through his windows.
He drinks about two pints a night.
And usually you'd think that'd be a lot for a man, but he just guzzled it right down.
He guzzles it.
He's like a hose backwards.
He's like a wet vacuum.
And just thinking about me makes...
(41:44):
Just thinking about me.
Just thinking about me gets him excited.
I hope.
At least that's what it says in my fan fiction.
I haven't...no.
You can find it on my blog.
MayorUndersfans.Underswans.
Yes, Underswans is what we call ourselves because it's like his underwear, but we're his fans.
(42:05):
He's amazing.
All right, kids, put on your ponchos and gas masks.
It's a wonderful life float coming up.
This is what life would be like if we never got our mayor.
The town would be fruit ashes.
There would just be fire.
(42:27):
Can I breathe under the mask?
I have to take a big breath before the mask.
Take a big breath now.
You'll be able to breathe, but it'll be difficult.
Yes, sir. I have...
We never may have to thank for this.
I have pretty bad asthma, so is it OK if I sort of half put it on?
I would recommend going low to the ground.
Low to the ground?
Low to the ground.
So in case I fall, it's more...
No, no, there will be a lot of smoke and dust and ashes.
(42:50):
It will be tough.
So you are pumping the stuff out around the float.
I support the float, yes.
That's what that smoke machine and what that ash machine and the viscera machine was for?
The viscera machine is for later, but right now it's just the smoke and ash.
OK, so we're going to have to take a deep breath.
How fast is this float going to go for?
Like how long is it going to take to get to the end of the float?
Well, you know what?
(43:11):
This is a good chance to do your maths homework as well.
It takes three miles of power.
We have a 20-metre road.
Right.
Work it out.
So it can go 6,000 metres an hour.
And yes.
It can float in the air.
So does that make it faster?
Sorry, it cannot float in the air.
It doesn't literally float.
What?
(43:32):
What?
It's just called a float.
So what's under there?
Yeah.
Wheels.
Like a car?
It's just a car.
It's a bus.
A float is a kind of car.
Damaged bus.
It's a damaged bus.
In this case, very literally, it is a burnt out bus.
I was in a damaged bus once and it was not as fun.
Her bus tipped over once and hit a slurry tiger.
It went right into an oak tree.
(43:55):
That sounds challenging.
I'm surprised that I hadn't heard about that.
Philip, when do you want me to put the viscera machine on for the kids?
Later.
We have a tight schedule.
All right.
And once the ashes start, we won't be able to check it.
You should have memorised it.
What sort of ashes is this?
(44:17):
Literal ashes.
Yeah, my grandma died last week and Philip said if you've got any recent family death,
use the ashes.
I bet they would be honoured to be part of the mayors.
I haven't had a close family member die, so can I use my guinea pig ashes?
Do you have them, are you?
(44:38):
Yeah, they're just in my book bag.
I know, I actually don't think my grandma would appreciate her ashes being mixed with
the hamster ashes.
What are you saying about my guinea pig ashes?
It's not about your grandma, it's not about your guinea pig.
Today it's about the mayor.
Did she hear this?
He said that my guinea pig is not as good as his noun.
I'm sorry, you're a child and I'm the teacher and assistant, so I think...
Which means you had more time with your grandmother than she had with her guinea pig.
(45:02):
And I'll also say this, you don't need to be my teaching assistant on the weekends.
Well, I know that, but it's funny because your guinea pig probably died the similar
way to my grandma.
Really?
Yeah.
Shot by an arsonist?
What does that mean?
What does that mean?
Shot by an arsonist?
(45:26):
So a murderer, I think arsonists go second in that equation.
Arsonists would have been easier if we would have kept the ashes there.
Well, good for you, Don Bracken.
(45:47):
You only went and done it.
The mayor is not coming out for his big speech.
All because of you.
On his day of days, he heard screaming, he heard sirens, he heard smoke bombs.
He saw a full freight train full of helium, dangling above the city.
(46:11):
And said it brought back PTSD of when he saw Colonel Marzipan production and refused to show his face.
Not enough people are snitching on their fellow townspeople.
And not enough people are thanking the mayor for everything he's done for you this year.
You've ruined his big day and you will deserve whatever punishment he deems fit for betrayal as heinous as you all have shown him.
(46:41):
Now you might just have to wait another year to finally hear him speak.
Maybe he'll be cast by then.
Thank you for listening to the finale of season two of Back to Don Bracken.
It will be taking a, well, it will sort of be taking a break.
(47:04):
We'll finish season two. Season three won't be out for a while.
Probably February or March of next year.
But I can't wait to get, I'm already building season three as I speak now.
And in the meantime, we're going to have some like Christmas episodes and things.
So maybe a bit more sporadic until season three kicks off in around March time.
But we're going to have like Christmas episodes and different things like of that ilk.
(47:28):
But if you enjoyed this past year of Don Bracken, please do share it with friends.
It's been wild how many people have seemingly actually listened and enjoyed this.
And at the end of the day, we are just making each other laugh. So it's amazing to think that we have the chance to make other people laugh.
And I hope we get to continue doing that for a long, long time.
(47:53):
I want to thank all 40 people who over the past year have given up their time and allowed me to record them being hilarious.
This episode especially we had Patrick Meyer, we had Laura Conlon, Ciaran Sands, Amelia Price, Eddie Goodwin, Owen Fox and Declan King.
(48:15):
And then I also had a lot of people doing actual call.
Thank you to everyone who called in, gave voice notes about what they thought about the mayor.
That was a lot of the cast from across this season. So it was lovely to get more voices in for this one.
And I just want to say a final thank you to you. Thank you for listening.
Please do if you've enjoyed this, like, share, rate it on your platform of choice.
(48:38):
And we will be back before you know it. Oh, I've got some good ideas for next season.
This is going to be awesome. Do I have anything else left to say?
Oh, if you want to follow and keep up to date, follow at Don Bracken pod on the socials,
mostly on Instagram if you want to keep up to date with when episodes will be out and like especially in the off season.
(49:01):
If you want to follow my own page, it's at Cornelis McVeigh.
And the name kind of sounds like it should or kind of spells like it should.
The name is difficult to people for seemingly. So just look it in the show notes.
You can also follow all of the cast and things like that from the show notes as well.
Should be links to their Instagrams and what not.
(49:22):
Thank you very much for listening. You have wonderful taste.
Thank you for tuning in for an entire year. Good night and good year.
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