November 22, 2024 • 30 mins
Denise talks with Larry Steinhauser, a retired licensed psychologist, about life changes encountered by older adults who find themselves needing help, learning to adjust to such life changes, and the beauty and benefits of helping others. As Larry, who is also a volunteer with Amherst Neighbors, says, "giving without measure does more for your heart than you realize." Thanks to the Beatles for the title of this episode and the Moody Blues whose lyrics to Giving Without Measure you will hear spoken near the end of today's session.
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Hosted by Denise Schwartz
Produced by Alex Audette in the Teaching and Learning Innovation Center's Multimedia Studios at Greenfield Community College
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Backyard Oasis, a podcast designed by and for older adults living in the beautiful
(00:09):
Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts and produced in the tech studios at Greenfield
Community College in Greenfield, Massachusetts.
Backyard Oasis reaches out to older adults who seek knowledge to help them live more
thoughtfully, healthily, and happily, who hope to inspire others with their ideas and
(00:31):
who serve their communities in the interest of their greater good.
Hi, I'm Denise Schwartz, your host.
Your host who fell down the stairs last week.
Mm-hmm.
Down the stairs I went, head first.
So why did I tumble down those stairs?
(00:51):
Simple.
I wasn't paying attention.
I was talking with a friend, energetically springing down those stairs and not holding
the handrail, not paying attention.
So while resting for many days after the fall, as per the doctor's orders, I started to think
about my local neighbor-to-neighbor group.
(01:11):
You know, the group of good folks who volunteer to be at the ready should a neighbor need
help with household tasks, rides to appointments, gardening, those kinds of things.
You know, I have to say, I never thought I might need such a group to help me, but now
I begin to see how someday, sometime, I just might have the need for help.
(01:37):
Help is what we're going to talk about today.
Help and why it is so hard for some people to ask for it, why neighborhood help organizations
have really come into themselves recently, how to age with dignity, and we're going to
talk about the challenges of solo aging.
(01:58):
My guest today is Larry Steinhauser.
He's a licensed psychologist who spent 42 years working in healthcare.
The last half of his career was working with older adults in assisted living and senior
living settings.
He retired in 2019.
He has worked closely with Amherst neighbors as a board member and a volunteer.
(02:20):
And he wants everyone to know that he plays pickleball just like everybody else in the
world.
He does yoga and tai chi and he loves to walk in the woods.
Hi, Larry.
Hello.
It's so nice to be here.
Thanks for having me.
You're welcome.
I'd like to look over and see what you have on.
He's wearing a T-shirt that says, be kind.
(02:41):
I really like that.
Short and sweet, but you know, I get more comments on this particular T-shirt than any other one
that I own.
I get a lot of smiles and nods and you know what?
We all just need to do more of that.
Yeah, we're going to try to be kind.
And that's kind of what we're all about today, talking about being kind to our neighbors.
You know, I grew up in a neighborhood in Western Pennsylvania.
(03:03):
We knew everybody who lived on every street around us.
And I'm trying to make that happen where I live right now in South Deerfield.
And in fact, I do know everyone who lives on my street.
My parents now, they had a neighborhood too.
And while they were active, it was really good for them.
But then something happened.
(03:24):
As they started to get older, they had a hard time asking their neighbors for help.
My brother and I moved away.
And so as mom and dad got older and older, they tried to keep doing everything for themselves.
We weren't around to help them.
And I have to say, that's one of my big regrets.
But now, you know, I see that my husband and I are pretty much the same way my parents were.
(03:49):
We'll say to each other, hey, we should get some help to help us put that outdoor furniture
down in the basement.
And then, you know what?
We'll just go ahead and do it ourselves.
So why are we so reluctant to ask for help, Larry?
Is it a New England thing?
Oh, I don't think it's a New England thing.
I really don't.
I think it's an all people thing, especially in our culture.
(04:10):
You know, we're raised to do things for ourselves.
There's a lot of pride.
There's a lot of dignity in living your life and feeling like you can make your own decisions
and you can do things that you need to do.
Be independent, be an individual.
And we're wired to do it that way.
(04:30):
And I think that's OK.
It's just that we have to learn that there's going to be times where we need to ask for
help.
And we're going to know when that time comes.
And you don't think it's ever going to come, but it will.
Well, I don't know.
Are you sure?
Well, yeah.
There's a life stream here.
(04:52):
And most of us are going to do all the things that we want to do for ourselves as long as
we can.
But as things start to slip and slide a little bit, as our family starts to move away like
your family, the truth is we do rely a bit on neighbors for little things, for advice,
for support, for looking after your house when you go away.
(05:13):
Oh, yeah, that's true.
And then all of a sudden, maybe there's a medical event.
Something happens and you actually need some support.
You need a ride.
You need somebody to run some errands for you.
That's kind of natural stuff.
And the beauty of the neighborhood kind of organizations is that that's what they're
(05:34):
designed to do.
They're designed to be simple, friendly, neighborly, and give a little, get a little.
How do the neighborhood organizations, such as Amherst neighbors that you're a volunteer
with, how do they help people get over the embarrassment of having to ask?
(05:59):
I think part of it's set up in the mission.
Part of it is how you educate the members.
Part of it is bringing people on who actually want to give themselves as a volunteer.
Oh, yeah.
We want to talk about that maybe a little bit later about how good it is for people
to actually volunteer.
Yeah, but I think you can begin learning about needs of aging, needs of older adults through
(06:26):
that process of giving and realizing there's times where, okay, you're having the cataract
procedure.
You need to reach out for help.
All of us are going to understand that if you want to stay in your own space, you want
to stay in your own house, in your own home community, then you're going to need to ask
(06:46):
for some support at certain points in time.
You could be in your 80s, 90s, or 100 years old, and maybe you've stopped driving.
So you're getting the beauty of being in the house you want to be in.
Oh, that's true.
You want to get to the food store or to get to the doctor's office or to do anything with
(07:09):
involving other people to support you to get there.
If your family's not close by, then you're going to ask for help.
I'm going to interrupt just for a minute.
That's kind of a big change.
I remember we all have friends who tell us about how when they grew up, their grandparents
came to live with them, and it was no big deal.
They just moved into the house.
Maybe they moved upstairs.
(07:29):
There's been a big change in our society over the years.
That doesn't happen very often anymore, or does it?
You've worked with a lot of older adults in these kinds of situations.
Are there areas where that still happens?
Every once in a while, you're blessed to have local family to be of support, but what you
discover is when that's the case, a lot of times, the kids or the kids-in-law, they're
(07:55):
both working.
All right.
There's a lot of things have changed culturally for us.
The availability, even when family is close, we're seeing people reach out and ask for
some support because they don't want to be a burden on their own family.
But the situation that you discussed earlier is so true.
We do have a lot of members, and their loved ones are not nearby.
(08:19):
They're really hours away or airplane rides away.
We become extended family, in a sense.
We become the friend or the local neighbor to ask for help.
Do you have any... Can you tell me about any of the folks that you've helped that way
so that we can get an idea of what some people might be facing and how they do ask, and then
(08:41):
what you've seen happen to them?
I remember I delivered meals on wheels, and people have great stories about that.
You know you're there for somebody three days a week or every day a week when you're delivering
the lunch or whatever, and you can see that they're really happy.
This is like somebody they're going to talk to.
It's wonderful if they're feeling isolated.
They know somebody's going to be there.
(09:01):
Do you see that in the kinds of work that you do with your neighboring organizations?
There's quite a range of what people are asking for.
Some people it is, and I know we're going to talk probably about this more, but it's loneliness.
So I'm actually looking for somebody to just talk with or take a walk with.
In other cases it's practical, like that air conditioner.
(09:22):
I can't put it in the window when summer's coming, and I can't take it out of the window
when winter's coming for other people, the light bulb.
I used to be able to get on that ladder and get up there and do that, but I can't really
do that.
It's not smart for me to do that.
Good point.
It's not smart.
Can we just go in that direction for one minute?
Because I wanted to hear what you were saying.
(09:43):
You were bringing up a lot of good examples.
But you know, when you can say it's not smart for me to do that, that makes me think about
what happened to me.
I just wasn't paying attention.
I wasn't being smart about my environment.
A friend of mine said, that's something called the narcissistic incident where you think
that nothing is going to happen to me because I am fine.
(10:03):
I go dancing.
I walk every day.
I'm in great health.
Wham!
I just fall down the stairs.
How did that happen?
The realization that it isn't smart for me to do certain things anymore.
That doesn't make you feel really bad.
You're in that situation where you feel invincible and you feel healthy until you're not.
(10:25):
So it's great to feel that way.
In my 70s, I feel like an adolescent a lot of time.
If I don't look in the mirror and see my white hair or bald head or wrinkles or whatever,
I feel just youthful.
But that's the way it is until it's not.
That incident.
(10:46):
It can be a simple fall.
I've seen so many falls that really impact people's lives.
It can be a medical diagnosis that changes things for so many people.
It's aging.
It's transition.
It's reality.
I know.
But at some point people can come to grips with reality that asking for a little support
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is not a bad thing.
You know what I think can make that better or easier?
Doing what we're doing.
Talking about it.
Because when I talked with my friends after I made this, I consider a stupid fall.
I shouldn't have done it.
They started sharing with me and we started saying, well, you know, maybe we are at the
point where we have to watch where we put our feet when we go down a step or start to
(11:34):
pay attention.
And then when we share that, that we're all in a certain place and we all have to be real
about where we are, it makes it easier to be that.
It's kind of like, well, now I have a new group.
I have a new group of people who are feeling the same way that I do about this thing called
aging.
And we've talked about reframing aging.
(11:56):
If you're 70, you're not 90 anymore.
We're still vibrant and active and we all know that.
So we just have to look at our group a little differently and build some things into it.
And I think that's what neighboring organizations do.
Absolutely.
You know, we're people helping people as that is needed.
And I want to remind everybody to be thinking about the fact that giving and volunteering
(12:24):
and that feeling of helping other people when they need it is you need takers to enjoy the
gift of giving.
It's an important perspective that all of us get some good feeling from helping others
when that's needed.
And all of us at times are going to need to ask for help.
I had a knee replacement surgery done about 10 months ago.
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And it was a weird feeling when I said to my spouse, would you put my knee replacement
my socks on, please?
I mean, here I am, this relatively vibrant human being feeling pretty invincible in life
and playing pickleball right up to the day before my surgery.
And all of a sudden, you know, there was a period of months where I really had to slow
(13:09):
it down, focus on rehab and ask for help tying, you know, getting shoes and putting socks
on.
It was strange, but I got over that.
You know, humility is a good thing.
I was going to say that it's humbling, but that's OK.
Yeah, yeah.
It's it's, I think it's part of the transition of life.
We all want to maintain our dignity.
(13:30):
We all want to feel proud, have pride.
It's probably why people don't like to ask for help.
But you know, we grow, we understand it's life transition.
You know, we're all used to seeing people lose things, things that made you who you
are, you know, you're proud of your job, you're proud of your career, and then you stop doing
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that.
Right.
You're proud of your relationship with your with your with your significant other or your
kids.
And all of a sudden, over time, they age up and maybe maybe they're gone.
All of a sudden, your kids are thousands of miles away, living their lives and you don't
have a lot of the things that were part of who you identified yourself as and where your
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pride and dignity came from.
So, so finding ways to hold on to that is, is what we're all going to do.
And this, you know, this is the tug of war, the pride of I'm still in my own home and
I'm enjoying my environment that I created.
Yeah, maybe I need to ride to the dock.
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Maybe I need to ride to the food store.
That's a practical thing to ask for if I'm beyond driving.
It's okay.
It's just giving people permission to realize it's perfectly okay.
And there's others who enjoy helping you get that done.
It makes them feel good to help you.
It makes you feel good to stay in your house.
This is a really good way of looking at it, Larry.
(14:55):
I really like that.
Do you, I don't want to use the word train because it seems so institutional, but do
you talk in your organization?
Do you talk with volunteers about having these kinds of conversations with people that they
are going to go and help?
(15:18):
Yeah, we provide, excuse me, we provide some support early on.
We're doing a training as we're vetting the volunteers.
We want to make sure that everybody's comfortable with who's coming in.
So, after the criminal background check kind of stuff, your basic stuff is done.
You're spending a good hour to an hour and a half in a training, helping people answering
(15:41):
their questions about what's involved in the process of volunteering, and then periodically
support group available for people.
We'll have volunteers that will ask us questions.
They're going to, you know, here's what I observed in this individual.
One of the challenges of being an older adult anywhere is some people are dealing with early
(16:02):
cognitive decline.
Oh, yeah.
And it might be as a volunteer seeing something that's a little different and you want to
make sure they're safe.
So people will bring up things like that.
And in the whole neighbor to neighbor organizations, it's an issue like the volatility.
When should we be concerned?
At what point should we be maybe reaching out to a local agency if there's no family around
(16:26):
or to a family member that's a thousand miles away to say, hey, what are you seeing in mom
or dad?
Are you seeing, you know, the changes that we're seeing?
And, you know, we just want to make sure they're getting the support because it's important
to realize these organizations are not licensed human service agencies.
They're volunteer organizations of neighbors helping neighbors.
(16:51):
It's like you may see something.
So we do train our folks to speak up if you have any concern.
But what about confidentiality?
I mean, is that a fine line?
Oh, I see something happening.
Should I say it?
Is it really my business to say it?
Should I butt out?
I don't know.
Oh, it's a great question because we have had many discussions, you know, fortunately,
(17:13):
not a large number of people, but enough that you every year there's a few folks that you're
you want to be doing the right thing.
So you want to respect their independence.
You want to respect that they're their own decision maker.
But if you feel like the environment that they're in is no longer safe, you'd be remiss
(17:35):
not involving, you know, appropriate professionals to let them assess.
And there are organizations that do that.
You know, I didn't I didn't really want to bring this up, but are there any legal ramifications?
You know, going into a situation seeing somebody talking to somebody about what you might see?
Yeah, is that?
Yeah.
(17:55):
The good news is some other professionals are going to make those decisions about competency.
And you know, it's not our responsibility to do that.
It would be our responsibility if we had real legitimate concern to let, you know, all members
tell us an emergency contact.
We would reach out to their emergency contact.
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It's often a family member.
Sometimes it's actually an extra neighbor if they if they're so low and don't have anybody
else, but they they will let us know that we're going to reach out to that emergency
contact to make sure we're on the same page and where we need to involve an elder service
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type of agency.
That's what they're designed to do.
Let the professionals, you know, go ahead and connect and make sure that that is a safe
environment for that that person.
This is the last thing you know, your bedrooms on the second floor and you are take the tumble
down the steps and you're laying there alone on the floor and you came out of yours relatively
(18:57):
in good shape.
But come on, Larry, I came out of it just perfectly.
But some people, they really do have a significant medical downfall from that kind of event and
it would be remiss and not speaking to that or trying to deal with that.
You know, this is a we did want to talk about solo aging.
I never really heard it called that before.
(19:19):
It's something it's easy to remember that now.
Solo aging someone who is really alone like right now, you know, it sounds like you have
someone at home with you.
I have someone at home with me.
I'm sure it all changes when that situation changes, how you look at everything that you
can do in your home or outside.
Talk to me a little bit about solo aging.
That's interesting, you know, when we reached out to our membership and asked for input
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on what more do you want from us as an organization, loud and clear, were the folks that were living
alone, whether they had a mate who passed on or hit the wine in the road some years back
or if there's not everybody has kids.
So some people, you know, they don't have offspring in the picture.
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Others do and they're far away.
So there are a lot of people that are living alone and they like more human contact.
They're overtly asking for ways to connect.
So we created an interest group called the solo agers group.
This was all during the pandemic.
So there was a lot of zoom contact that has been morphed in over time to they connect
(20:31):
socially, they go out to dinner together, they go to a movie together.
You look for ways of human contact.
One of the things that we started doing and other organizations do similar things, through
the summer we did lunch in the park.
We just met at the park and every Tuesday afternoon there'd be anywhere from six to
(20:53):
twelve people that just wanted human contact.
That is really wonderful.
If they needed a ride to get to the park, were you able to provide that?
Absolutely.
They would just make a request for a ride.
That's probably a third of the request we get, our transportation related.
Yes, I bet.
You know, I'm thinking of something.
We think about neighboring organizations as ones who will come and help you fix that light
(21:14):
bulb or move the furniture or put the air conditioner in.
But I'll bet that the social aspect of it is almost as important and if people knew
that the neighbor to neighbor organizations did that kind of work, I think membership
might even increase.
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I can think of people right now who would like that part but probably wouldn't be able
to say, I need your help for something else.
It's a huge part of the process.
I have a friend who became a volunteer, David, and one of the things that he kind of clued
me into in driving people to medical appointments, he goes, you know, I have great conversations
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with these members that, you know, they're just glad to have somebody to talk to, not
only for the ride and then what ends up happening is sometimes relationships start developing.
So if somebody is asking to go to the trip to the survival center or to the dump, to
the town dump or whatever, they'll often ask for that particular volunteer.
(22:16):
Oh, so that they have more than just the ride to the dump.
Exactly.
You know what I think is really fun?
We're looking at each other while we're talking and we're both smiling because we know that
this part is really important, that connection part.
It's huge.
The surgeon general that's involved with the current president, excuse me, they, he's
(22:42):
been speaking to this issue of loneliness.
Epidemic.
It's an epidemic and he's not speaking to it only about older adults.
I mean, it's across the lifespan, but it's a big issue for older adults and it's important
to not underestimate the meaning of touch, of human contact.
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Simple things like a compliment.
I have to tell you in my 20 plus years in the senior living environment, the thing that
I remember is seeing some of the residents coming from the barber shop or beauty shop
and just saying, why don't you look nice today?
And then seeing this beaming smile and then it makes me think, you know, how many compliments
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are they getting?
How often is there a touch point, a warmth that makes you feel good, that makes you feel
alive?
So, yeah, it's important.
I like that part of, I like that part of neighbor to neighbor.
I think if we emphasize that, we might even see more benefits for everybody who's involved,
(23:51):
not just those who are helping, but the volunteers.
And I know as we kind of wind down now, we want to talk about, you've, you said it in
a really nice way.
You wanted to talk about the beauty and benefits of helping others by volunteering.
We did talk about that a little bit, but I love the idea of the beauty and benefits of
(24:12):
it.
You know, I'll give you an example.
I volunteer with a gentleman and I do it every Thursday afternoon.
We play ping pong together.
It's something he does really well.
He's part of a program that's in the Pioneer Valley, the Pioneer Valley Memory Care Initiative.
(24:36):
It's tied through Cooley Dickinson Hospital.
They've reached out to East Hampton neighbors, North Hampton neighbors, Amherst neighbors,
and they piggyback on the volunteer connection for people that are dealing with early to
mid cognitive decline dementia.
And it's a great program.
Gives caregivers a break.
For me, my joy is that I enjoy being with him.
(25:00):
You know, I enjoy, he tells me his wife's birthday's coming.
I enjoy taking them to go get a birthday card or some flowers.
But just, I know he feels good playing ping pong.
I feel like it's one thing that his performance memory is intact.
He plays it really well.
And so I might have to keep score.
(25:21):
I might have to remind him who's serving.
But beyond that, we're just two guys having a good time together.
So yeah.
So it's benefiting you too.
I can see the smile on your face.
And I'm also looking at you smiling and talking about this and looking at your be kind t-shirt.
And I'm thinking, boy, that is such a beautiful package right there.
(25:41):
You know, it's a simple thing.
And I just would want listeners to know, you know, if they're thinking, you know, should
I become a volunteer?
Follow that instinct.
It's a good thing to do.
One, it makes you feel good, but you're helping other people in the process.
And we just need more of that.
Yeah, we know what karma is all about.
(26:03):
Yes, give a little get a little.
Give a little get a little.
And your turn will come.
Yeah.
Oh.
I kind of don't want to think about that.
It's just reality.
And accepting it.
That's, you know, we say we've accepted it, but we really haven't.
I love that story.
I'm going to think about the ping pong game you guys play and how that's helping both
of you.
So you know, I know that I'm going to say that we're going to end fairly soon, but you
(26:27):
have a poem that you want to read and I'd love you to do it.
Okay, good.
Yeah, you know, I keep thinking of some of the words inside this.
It's part of a song.
Although it's spoken, it's by the moody blues and it's on their album threshold of a dream.
And it goes like this.
When the white eagle of the north is flying overhead and the browns, reds and golds of
(26:52):
autumn lie in the gutter dead.
More than the summer birds with wings of fire flame come to witness springs new hope born
of leaves decaying.
And as new life will come from death, love will come at leisure.
(27:13):
Love of love, love of life and giving without measure gives in return a wondrous yearn for
promise almost seen.
With hand in hand and together we will stand on the threshold of a dream.
I know that means so much today, especially means so much in so many ways.
(27:38):
Yeah, I would just want people to know giving without measure, just thinking about that
giving without measure.
It just does more for your heart than you realize it's a good thing.
We should all do more of it.
Thank you so much for saying that.
I think that's a lovely way to end our session today.
I hope our listeners feel empowered not just to ask for help, but to be of help.
(28:01):
I think you've made it clear how good it makes you feel.
I'm thinking that I will probably investigate that myself.
And I was just going to say, Larry, if you're not really doing anything later, our outdoor
furniture still needs to go into the basement.
Come on over.
Give us a call.
Well, I was just thinking on the way home.
(28:24):
And after we do that, you know what we could do?
We could go for a walk in the woods.
There you go.
What do you think?
Sounds perfect.
Sounds good to me.
I want to thank you so much.
And we will be leaving information after this about how folks can be in touch with Valley
Neighbors, which I know serves Deerfield, Sunderland, Wheatley and Conway, I believe.
Ambers Neighbors and the other neighbor organizations in our area.
(28:46):
Excellent.
So Larry, thank you so much.
It's been really a pleasure.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah.
Be kind.
Absolutely.
To learn more about Ambers Neighbors, call them at 413-345-2555 or go to the website,
ambersneighbors.org.
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To know more about a neighboring organization in your area, go to the Village to Village
Network.
It's a national organization that lists all neighborhood organizations.
So that's Village to Village Network.
You can find them at vtvnetwork.org.
This concludes today's podcast.
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We're always looking for new ideas, so feel free to reach out to Judy Raper, Associate
Dean of Community Engagement at Greenfield Community College at 413-775-1819.
If you have an idea, you'd love to share.
No thanks to the creators of Backyard Oasis, Denny Schwartz, Chad Fuller, Dennis Lee, and
(29:55):
Christine Copeland.
Have a great day.
Welcome to Backyard Oasis, a podcast designed by and for older adults living in the beautiful
(00:09):
Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts and produced in the tech studios at Greenfield
Community College in Greenfield, Massachusetts.
Backyard Oasis reaches out to older adults who seek knowledge to help them live more
thoughtfully, healthily, and happily, who hope to inspire others with their ideas and
(00:31):
who serve their communities in the interest of their greater good.
Hi, I'm Denise Schwartz, your host.
Your host who fell down the stairs last week.
Mm-hmm.
Down the stairs I went, head first.
So why did I tumble down those stairs?
(00:51):
Simple.
I wasn't paying attention.
I was talking with a friend, energetically springing down those stairs and not holding
the handrail, not paying attention.
So while resting for many days after the fall, as per the doctor's orders, I started to think
about my local neighbor-to-neighbor group.
(01:11):
You know, the group of good folks who volunteer to be at the ready should a neighbor need
help with household tasks, rides to appointments, gardening, those kinds of things.
You know, I have to say, I never thought I might need such a group to help me, but now
I begin to see how someday, sometime, I just might have the need for help.
(01:37):
Help is what we're going to talk about today.
Help and why it is so hard for some people to ask for it, why neighborhood help organizations
have really come into themselves recently, how to age with dignity, and we're going to
talk about the challenges of solo aging.
(01:58):
My guest today is Larry Steinhauser.
He's a licensed psychologist who spent 42 years working in healthcare.
The last half of his career was working with older adults in assisted living and senior
living settings.
He retired in 2019.
He has worked closely with Amherst neighbors as a board member and a volunteer.
(02:20):
And he wants everyone to know that he plays pickleball just like everybody else in the
world.
He does yoga and tai chi and he loves to walk in the woods.
Hi, Larry.
Hello.
It's so nice to be here.
Thanks for having me.
You're welcome.
I'd like to look over and see what you have on.
He's wearing a T-shirt that says, be kind.
(02:41):
I really like that.
Short and sweet, but you know, I get more comments on this particular T-shirt than any other one
that I own.
I get a lot of smiles and nods and you know what?
We all just need to do more of that.
Yeah, we're going to try to be kind.
And that's kind of what we're all about today, talking about being kind to our neighbors.
You know, I grew up in a neighborhood in Western Pennsylvania.
(03:03):
We knew everybody who lived on every street around us.
And I'm trying to make that happen where I live right now in South Deerfield.
And in fact, I do know everyone who lives on my street.
My parents now, they had a neighborhood too.
And while they were active, it was really good for them.
But then something happened.
(03:24):
As they started to get older, they had a hard time asking their neighbors for help.
My brother and I moved away.
And so as mom and dad got older and older, they tried to keep doing everything for themselves.
We weren't around to help them.
And I have to say, that's one of my big regrets.
But now, you know, I see that my husband and I are pretty much the same way my parents were.
(03:49):
We'll say to each other, hey, we should get some help to help us put that outdoor furniture
down in the basement.
And then, you know what?
We'll just go ahead and do it ourselves.
So why are we so reluctant to ask for help, Larry?
Is it a New England thing?
Oh, I don't think it's a New England thing.
I really don't.
I think it's an all people thing, especially in our culture.
(04:10):
You know, we're raised to do things for ourselves.
There's a lot of pride.
There's a lot of dignity in living your life and feeling like you can make your own decisions
and you can do things that you need to do.
Be independent, be an individual.
And we're wired to do it that way.
(04:30):
And I think that's OK.
It's just that we have to learn that there's going to be times where we need to ask for
help.
And we're going to know when that time comes.
And you don't think it's ever going to come, but it will.
Well, I don't know.
Are you sure?
Well, yeah.
There's a life stream here.
(04:52):
And most of us are going to do all the things that we want to do for ourselves as long as
we can.
But as things start to slip and slide a little bit, as our family starts to move away like
your family, the truth is we do rely a bit on neighbors for little things, for advice,
for support, for looking after your house when you go away.
(05:13):
Oh, yeah, that's true.
And then all of a sudden, maybe there's a medical event.
Something happens and you actually need some support.
You need a ride.
You need somebody to run some errands for you.
That's kind of natural stuff.
And the beauty of the neighborhood kind of organizations is that that's what they're
(05:34):
designed to do.
They're designed to be simple, friendly, neighborly, and give a little, get a little.
How do the neighborhood organizations, such as Amherst neighbors that you're a volunteer
with, how do they help people get over the embarrassment of having to ask?
(05:59):
I think part of it's set up in the mission.
Part of it is how you educate the members.
Part of it is bringing people on who actually want to give themselves as a volunteer.
Oh, yeah.
We want to talk about that maybe a little bit later about how good it is for people
to actually volunteer.
Yeah, but I think you can begin learning about needs of aging, needs of older adults through
(06:26):
that process of giving and realizing there's times where, okay, you're having the cataract
procedure.
You need to reach out for help.
All of us are going to understand that if you want to stay in your own space, you want
to stay in your own house, in your own home community, then you're going to need to ask
(06:46):
for some support at certain points in time.
You could be in your 80s, 90s, or 100 years old, and maybe you've stopped driving.
So you're getting the beauty of being in the house you want to be in.
Oh, that's true.
You want to get to the food store or to get to the doctor's office or to do anything with
(07:09):
involving other people to support you to get there.
If your family's not close by, then you're going to ask for help.
I'm going to interrupt just for a minute.
That's kind of a big change.
I remember we all have friends who tell us about how when they grew up, their grandparents
came to live with them, and it was no big deal.
They just moved into the house.
Maybe they moved upstairs.
(07:29):
There's been a big change in our society over the years.
That doesn't happen very often anymore, or does it?
You've worked with a lot of older adults in these kinds of situations.
Are there areas where that still happens?
Every once in a while, you're blessed to have local family to be of support, but what you
discover is when that's the case, a lot of times, the kids or the kids-in-law, they're
(07:55):
both working.
All right.
There's a lot of things have changed culturally for us.
The availability, even when family is close, we're seeing people reach out and ask for
some support because they don't want to be a burden on their own family.
But the situation that you discussed earlier is so true.
We do have a lot of members, and their loved ones are not nearby.
(08:19):
They're really hours away or airplane rides away.
We become extended family, in a sense.
We become the friend or the local neighbor to ask for help.
Do you have any... Can you tell me about any of the folks that you've helped that way
so that we can get an idea of what some people might be facing and how they do ask, and then
(08:41):
what you've seen happen to them?
I remember I delivered meals on wheels, and people have great stories about that.
You know you're there for somebody three days a week or every day a week when you're delivering
the lunch or whatever, and you can see that they're really happy.
This is like somebody they're going to talk to.
It's wonderful if they're feeling isolated.
They know somebody's going to be there.
(09:01):
Do you see that in the kinds of work that you do with your neighboring organizations?
There's quite a range of what people are asking for.
Some people it is, and I know we're going to talk probably about this more, but it's loneliness.
So I'm actually looking for somebody to just talk with or take a walk with.
In other cases it's practical, like that air conditioner.
(09:22):
I can't put it in the window when summer's coming, and I can't take it out of the window
when winter's coming for other people, the light bulb.
I used to be able to get on that ladder and get up there and do that, but I can't really
do that.
It's not smart for me to do that.
Good point.
It's not smart.
Can we just go in that direction for one minute?
Because I wanted to hear what you were saying.
(09:43):
You were bringing up a lot of good examples.
But you know, when you can say it's not smart for me to do that, that makes me think about
what happened to me.
I just wasn't paying attention.
I wasn't being smart about my environment.
A friend of mine said, that's something called the narcissistic incident where you think
that nothing is going to happen to me because I am fine.
(10:03):
I go dancing.
I walk every day.
I'm in great health.
Wham!
I just fall down the stairs.
How did that happen?
The realization that it isn't smart for me to do certain things anymore.
That doesn't make you feel really bad.
You're in that situation where you feel invincible and you feel healthy until you're not.
(10:25):
So it's great to feel that way.
In my 70s, I feel like an adolescent a lot of time.
If I don't look in the mirror and see my white hair or bald head or wrinkles or whatever,
I feel just youthful.
But that's the way it is until it's not.
That incident.
(10:46):
It can be a simple fall.
I've seen so many falls that really impact people's lives.
It can be a medical diagnosis that changes things for so many people.
It's aging.
It's transition.
It's reality.
I know.
But at some point people can come to grips with reality that asking for a little support
(11:09):
is not a bad thing.
You know what I think can make that better or easier?
Doing what we're doing.
Talking about it.
Because when I talked with my friends after I made this, I consider a stupid fall.
I shouldn't have done it.
They started sharing with me and we started saying, well, you know, maybe we are at the
point where we have to watch where we put our feet when we go down a step or start to
(11:34):
pay attention.
And then when we share that, that we're all in a certain place and we all have to be real
about where we are, it makes it easier to be that.
It's kind of like, well, now I have a new group.
I have a new group of people who are feeling the same way that I do about this thing called
aging.
And we've talked about reframing aging.
(11:56):
If you're 70, you're not 90 anymore.
We're still vibrant and active and we all know that.
So we just have to look at our group a little differently and build some things into it.
And I think that's what neighboring organizations do.
Absolutely.
You know, we're people helping people as that is needed.
And I want to remind everybody to be thinking about the fact that giving and volunteering
(12:24):
and that feeling of helping other people when they need it is you need takers to enjoy the
gift of giving.
It's an important perspective that all of us get some good feeling from helping others
when that's needed.
And all of us at times are going to need to ask for help.
I had a knee replacement surgery done about 10 months ago.
(12:49):
And it was a weird feeling when I said to my spouse, would you put my knee replacement
my socks on, please?
I mean, here I am, this relatively vibrant human being feeling pretty invincible in life
and playing pickleball right up to the day before my surgery.
And all of a sudden, you know, there was a period of months where I really had to slow
(13:09):
it down, focus on rehab and ask for help tying, you know, getting shoes and putting socks
on.
It was strange, but I got over that.
You know, humility is a good thing.
I was going to say that it's humbling, but that's OK.
Yeah, yeah.
It's it's, I think it's part of the transition of life.
We all want to maintain our dignity.
(13:30):
We all want to feel proud, have pride.
It's probably why people don't like to ask for help.
But you know, we grow, we understand it's life transition.
You know, we're all used to seeing people lose things, things that made you who you
are, you know, you're proud of your job, you're proud of your career, and then you stop doing
(13:51):
that.
Right.
You're proud of your relationship with your with your with your significant other or your
kids.
And all of a sudden, over time, they age up and maybe maybe they're gone.
All of a sudden, your kids are thousands of miles away, living their lives and you don't
have a lot of the things that were part of who you identified yourself as and where your
(14:12):
pride and dignity came from.
So, so finding ways to hold on to that is, is what we're all going to do.
And this, you know, this is the tug of war, the pride of I'm still in my own home and
I'm enjoying my environment that I created.
Yeah, maybe I need to ride to the dock.
(14:34):
Maybe I need to ride to the food store.
That's a practical thing to ask for if I'm beyond driving.
It's okay.
It's just giving people permission to realize it's perfectly okay.
And there's others who enjoy helping you get that done.
It makes them feel good to help you.
It makes you feel good to stay in your house.
This is a really good way of looking at it, Larry.
(14:55):
I really like that.
Do you, I don't want to use the word train because it seems so institutional, but do
you talk in your organization?
Do you talk with volunteers about having these kinds of conversations with people that they
are going to go and help?
(15:18):
Yeah, we provide, excuse me, we provide some support early on.
We're doing a training as we're vetting the volunteers.
We want to make sure that everybody's comfortable with who's coming in.
So, after the criminal background check kind of stuff, your basic stuff is done.
You're spending a good hour to an hour and a half in a training, helping people answering
(15:41):
their questions about what's involved in the process of volunteering, and then periodically
support group available for people.
We'll have volunteers that will ask us questions.
They're going to, you know, here's what I observed in this individual.
One of the challenges of being an older adult anywhere is some people are dealing with early
(16:02):
cognitive decline.
Oh, yeah.
And it might be as a volunteer seeing something that's a little different and you want to
make sure they're safe.
So people will bring up things like that.
And in the whole neighbor to neighbor organizations, it's an issue like the volatility.
When should we be concerned?
At what point should we be maybe reaching out to a local agency if there's no family around
(16:26):
or to a family member that's a thousand miles away to say, hey, what are you seeing in mom
or dad?
Are you seeing, you know, the changes that we're seeing?
And, you know, we just want to make sure they're getting the support because it's important
to realize these organizations are not licensed human service agencies.
They're volunteer organizations of neighbors helping neighbors.
(16:51):
It's like you may see something.
So we do train our folks to speak up if you have any concern.
But what about confidentiality?
I mean, is that a fine line?
Oh, I see something happening.
Should I say it?
Is it really my business to say it?
Should I butt out?
I don't know.
Oh, it's a great question because we have had many discussions, you know, fortunately,
(17:13):
not a large number of people, but enough that you every year there's a few folks that you're
you want to be doing the right thing.
So you want to respect their independence.
You want to respect that they're their own decision maker.
But if you feel like the environment that they're in is no longer safe, you'd be remiss
(17:35):
not involving, you know, appropriate professionals to let them assess.
And there are organizations that do that.
You know, I didn't I didn't really want to bring this up, but are there any legal ramifications?
You know, going into a situation seeing somebody talking to somebody about what you might see?
Yeah, is that?
Yeah.
(17:55):
The good news is some other professionals are going to make those decisions about competency.
And you know, it's not our responsibility to do that.
It would be our responsibility if we had real legitimate concern to let, you know, all members
tell us an emergency contact.
We would reach out to their emergency contact.
(18:15):
It's often a family member.
Sometimes it's actually an extra neighbor if they if they're so low and don't have anybody
else, but they they will let us know that we're going to reach out to that emergency
contact to make sure we're on the same page and where we need to involve an elder service
(18:36):
type of agency.
That's what they're designed to do.
Let the professionals, you know, go ahead and connect and make sure that that is a safe
environment for that that person.
This is the last thing you know, your bedrooms on the second floor and you are take the tumble
down the steps and you're laying there alone on the floor and you came out of yours relatively
(18:57):
in good shape.
But come on, Larry, I came out of it just perfectly.
But some people, they really do have a significant medical downfall from that kind of event and
it would be remiss and not speaking to that or trying to deal with that.
You know, this is a we did want to talk about solo aging.
I never really heard it called that before.
(19:19):
It's something it's easy to remember that now.
Solo aging someone who is really alone like right now, you know, it sounds like you have
someone at home with you.
I have someone at home with me.
I'm sure it all changes when that situation changes, how you look at everything that you
can do in your home or outside.
Talk to me a little bit about solo aging.
That's interesting, you know, when we reached out to our membership and asked for input
(19:45):
on what more do you want from us as an organization, loud and clear, were the folks that were living
alone, whether they had a mate who passed on or hit the wine in the road some years back
or if there's not everybody has kids.
So some people, you know, they don't have offspring in the picture.
(20:07):
Others do and they're far away.
So there are a lot of people that are living alone and they like more human contact.
They're overtly asking for ways to connect.
So we created an interest group called the solo agers group.
This was all during the pandemic.
So there was a lot of zoom contact that has been morphed in over time to they connect
(20:31):
socially, they go out to dinner together, they go to a movie together.
You look for ways of human contact.
One of the things that we started doing and other organizations do similar things, through
the summer we did lunch in the park.
We just met at the park and every Tuesday afternoon there'd be anywhere from six to
(20:53):
twelve people that just wanted human contact.
That is really wonderful.
If they needed a ride to get to the park, were you able to provide that?
Absolutely.
They would just make a request for a ride.
That's probably a third of the request we get, our transportation related.
Yes, I bet.
You know, I'm thinking of something.
We think about neighboring organizations as ones who will come and help you fix that light
(21:14):
bulb or move the furniture or put the air conditioner in.
But I'll bet that the social aspect of it is almost as important and if people knew
that the neighbor to neighbor organizations did that kind of work, I think membership
might even increase.
(21:34):
I can think of people right now who would like that part but probably wouldn't be able
to say, I need your help for something else.
It's a huge part of the process.
I have a friend who became a volunteer, David, and one of the things that he kind of clued
me into in driving people to medical appointments, he goes, you know, I have great conversations
(21:54):
with these members that, you know, they're just glad to have somebody to talk to, not
only for the ride and then what ends up happening is sometimes relationships start developing.
So if somebody is asking to go to the trip to the survival center or to the dump, to
the town dump or whatever, they'll often ask for that particular volunteer.
(22:16):
Oh, so that they have more than just the ride to the dump.
Exactly.
You know what I think is really fun?
We're looking at each other while we're talking and we're both smiling because we know that
this part is really important, that connection part.
It's huge.
The surgeon general that's involved with the current president, excuse me, they, he's
(22:42):
been speaking to this issue of loneliness.
Epidemic.
It's an epidemic and he's not speaking to it only about older adults.
I mean, it's across the lifespan, but it's a big issue for older adults and it's important
to not underestimate the meaning of touch, of human contact.
(23:05):
Simple things like a compliment.
I have to tell you in my 20 plus years in the senior living environment, the thing that
I remember is seeing some of the residents coming from the barber shop or beauty shop
and just saying, why don't you look nice today?
And then seeing this beaming smile and then it makes me think, you know, how many compliments
(23:29):
are they getting?
How often is there a touch point, a warmth that makes you feel good, that makes you feel
alive?
So, yeah, it's important.
I like that part of, I like that part of neighbor to neighbor.
I think if we emphasize that, we might even see more benefits for everybody who's involved,
(23:51):
not just those who are helping, but the volunteers.
And I know as we kind of wind down now, we want to talk about, you've, you said it in
a really nice way.
You wanted to talk about the beauty and benefits of helping others by volunteering.
We did talk about that a little bit, but I love the idea of the beauty and benefits of
(24:12):
it.
You know, I'll give you an example.
I volunteer with a gentleman and I do it every Thursday afternoon.
We play ping pong together.
It's something he does really well.
He's part of a program that's in the Pioneer Valley, the Pioneer Valley Memory Care Initiative.
(24:36):
It's tied through Cooley Dickinson Hospital.
They've reached out to East Hampton neighbors, North Hampton neighbors, Amherst neighbors,
and they piggyback on the volunteer connection for people that are dealing with early to
mid cognitive decline dementia.
And it's a great program.
Gives caregivers a break.
For me, my joy is that I enjoy being with him.
(25:00):
You know, I enjoy, he tells me his wife's birthday's coming.
I enjoy taking them to go get a birthday card or some flowers.
But just, I know he feels good playing ping pong.
I feel like it's one thing that his performance memory is intact.
He plays it really well.
And so I might have to keep score.
(25:21):
I might have to remind him who's serving.
But beyond that, we're just two guys having a good time together.
So yeah.
So it's benefiting you too.
I can see the smile on your face.
And I'm also looking at you smiling and talking about this and looking at your be kind t-shirt.
And I'm thinking, boy, that is such a beautiful package right there.
(25:41):
You know, it's a simple thing.
And I just would want listeners to know, you know, if they're thinking, you know, should
I become a volunteer?
Follow that instinct.
It's a good thing to do.
One, it makes you feel good, but you're helping other people in the process.
And we just need more of that.
Yeah, we know what karma is all about.
(26:03):
Yes, give a little get a little.
Give a little get a little.
And your turn will come.
Yeah.
Oh.
I kind of don't want to think about that.
It's just reality.
And accepting it.
That's, you know, we say we've accepted it, but we really haven't.
I love that story.
I'm going to think about the ping pong game you guys play and how that's helping both
of you.
So you know, I know that I'm going to say that we're going to end fairly soon, but you
(26:27):
have a poem that you want to read and I'd love you to do it.
Okay, good.
Yeah, you know, I keep thinking of some of the words inside this.
It's part of a song.
Although it's spoken, it's by the moody blues and it's on their album threshold of a dream.
And it goes like this.
When the white eagle of the north is flying overhead and the browns, reds and golds of
(26:52):
autumn lie in the gutter dead.
More than the summer birds with wings of fire flame come to witness springs new hope born
of leaves decaying.
And as new life will come from death, love will come at leisure.
(27:13):
Love of love, love of life and giving without measure gives in return a wondrous yearn for
promise almost seen.
With hand in hand and together we will stand on the threshold of a dream.
I know that means so much today, especially means so much in so many ways.
(27:38):
Yeah, I would just want people to know giving without measure, just thinking about that
giving without measure.
It just does more for your heart than you realize it's a good thing.
We should all do more of it.
Thank you so much for saying that.
I think that's a lovely way to end our session today.
I hope our listeners feel empowered not just to ask for help, but to be of help.
(28:01):
I think you've made it clear how good it makes you feel.
I'm thinking that I will probably investigate that myself.
And I was just going to say, Larry, if you're not really doing anything later, our outdoor
furniture still needs to go into the basement.
Come on over.
Give us a call.
Well, I was just thinking on the way home.
(28:24):
And after we do that, you know what we could do?
We could go for a walk in the woods.
There you go.
What do you think?
Sounds perfect.
Sounds good to me.
I want to thank you so much.
And we will be leaving information after this about how folks can be in touch with Valley
Neighbors, which I know serves Deerfield, Sunderland, Wheatley and Conway, I believe.
Ambers Neighbors and the other neighbor organizations in our area.
(28:46):
Excellent.
So Larry, thank you so much.
It's been really a pleasure.
Thanks for having me.
Yeah.
Be kind.
Absolutely.
To learn more about Ambers Neighbors, call them at 413-345-2555 or go to the website,
ambersneighbors.org.
(29:09):
To know more about a neighboring organization in your area, go to the Village to Village
Network.
It's a national organization that lists all neighborhood organizations.
So that's Village to Village Network.
You can find them at vtvnetwork.org.
This concludes today's podcast.
(29:31):
We're always looking for new ideas, so feel free to reach out to Judy Raper, Associate
Dean of Community Engagement at Greenfield Community College at 413-775-1819.
If you have an idea, you'd love to share.
No thanks to the creators of Backyard Oasis, Denny Schwartz, Chad Fuller, Dennis Lee, and
(29:55):
Christine Copeland.
Have a great day.
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