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July 3, 2025 18 mins

Get your step by step guide to private practice. Because you are too important to lose to not knowing the rules, going broke, burning out, and giving up. #counselorsdontquit.

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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:03):
therapists needing therapy is, I mean, I think back
in the day, if you worked withfreud like you were
automatically in therapy, right?
And I think psychodynamic,which is freud's theory, and
young, uh, which ispsychoanalysis, right I?
I think you have to be intherapy if you're learning those

(00:26):
theories, but not many peoplelearn those techniques anymore,
right?
I mean, what would you say?
The theory was that you learnedin grad school.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
I mean we touched on the major ones um, freud, young,
uh, gestalt person centered,narrative, existential, but it
it was.
It was just enough to get likea frame of reference for what
the theorist was.
But we didn't spend like awhole lot of time really diving

(01:02):
into the techniques or, you know, doing any sort of role play
with any specific one.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
It's hard, I know as a when I'm an instructor, you
know.
I think what we try to helpstudents learn is, you know,
person-centered, how to reflect,how to not ask questions, how
to make sure that they're givinga good content back.
So it's not a lot, I mean okay.
So, clients, if you'relistening to this what's going

(01:34):
on, you'll see your therapistface and they may be nodding and
and reflecting.
Okay, it sounds like you're sad.
It sounds like you're so sadand you're wondering if you'll
ever be happy again.
But in their mind they'rethinking about what they're
going to say to influence you,right?

(01:56):
We're looking for ways toinfluence you toward your goal,
right?
So when you came to counseling,you said you know what I need
to find a better job.
Help me find a better job, helpme.
Or, you know what I'm anxiousall the time.
Help me be less anxious.
So we've got your goal in mind.

(02:17):
But as we're listening to you, Icall it behind the clock face,
you know.
So, those of you who don't knowwhat an analog clock is it's
round and it has numbers on it.
We hang it on the wall.
So if you imagine the clockface, what you see are numbers.
What you don't see is themechanism behind the clock face
moving all the numbers right.
So there we are, we're thinkingabout these things and we're

(02:40):
thinking about what we're goingto say next.
And so for you musicians outthere, it's like you know your
right and your left hand aredoing different things.
You know piano player, you'vegot a left hand doing bass,
you've got a right hand doingthe melody, so it's doable.
It's not like we're doing.
You know we're not breaking theatom here or you know, sending
a rocket into space.

(03:01):
We are listening to you, but weare formulating a response
through our theory and dot, dot,dot, our own shit.
And this is where it getsreally weird, because if a

(03:21):
therapist hasn't worked throughtheir own shit, you may get some
weird responses.
And that's what therapy is for.
I mean, you know we've talkedabout needing therapy because
we're burned out, right?
And Jennifer, you know youtalked about like, just because

(03:42):
there are 12 hours in a daydoesn't mean you have to have
clients back to back everysingle hour.
I mean, getting burned outisn't good for anybody.
And going to therapy for thatis wonderful.
And therapists who are doingthat good on you.
I'm so proud of you.
You go to therapy, you'redealing with the vicarious
trauma and things like that.

(04:02):
But we all have stuff, andthat's why clients come to
therapy.
Right, because the family blewup over the turkey at
Thanksgiving because somebodywas supposed to bring
cranberries, and they broughtcranberry juice or something,
right?
I mean, everybody has stuff,but that's our filter.

(04:23):
I mean, just like you have afilter for your coffee and
that's what the water brewsthrough and it turns into coffee
on the other side of thatfilter, doesn't it?
So how, how can we be helpfulif our filter is turning what
we're going to say intosomething very harmful?
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (04:45):
I'll never forget the first.
I had a very, very, very, very,very, very, very, very bad
experience with a family member.
Um, it was.
It was not good, and I willnever forget the first time I
had a client that reminded me ofthat family member, and it was.

(05:07):
I mean, it was like you couldhave poured cold water on me and
I'm sitting here like trying tobecause it's not this client's
fault.
This client is here, they needhelp, and it's not fair for me
to be interpreting everythingthey say through this lens of

(05:27):
the experience that I had withthis particular family member,
and so that's one thing Iprocessed through therapy, like
I need to go to therapy so I candeal with what happened in this
interaction over here, so thatit has no impact on how I work
with this client.
And I don't.
I don't think therapistsunderstand that till the first

(05:49):
time it happens.

Speaker 1 (05:52):
Yeah, I think you're right.
And did you ever have aprofessor tell you like so most
of us will put students througha values clarification, like we
want to know what your triggersare basically, and we'll have
you fill out stuff like you knowwhat do you?
How do you feel about abortionor suicide or someone who

(06:14):
doesn't have sex like me?
Right?
So so that you can do thatintrospection and we don't do
anything with that in classbecause we're not your therapist
, but one of the things andthat's my question for you, did
you ever have a therapist saythe person who triggers you the
most is going to be the personwho shows up in therapy.

Speaker 2 (06:37):
No, but that's so true.

Speaker 1 (06:39):
I tell my students that I mean, if you're having an
issue with your creepy UncleFred and you know this is I'm
not kidding whether it's acouple, or even you know someone
who is not male like Uncle Fred, when they come through the
door, if they talk like them, ifthe cadence of their voice is

(07:02):
like them, if they lean forwardlike them and point their finger
at you like them I meansomething about their mannerism
can trigger, like that filtersnaps into place and you're like
right.
And it takes a lot of trainingto be able to stop and say, ooh,
is the thing that's about tocome out of my mouth helpful or

(07:24):
is it my own?

Speaker 2 (07:25):
shit.
Am I talking to Uncle Fred oram I talking to my client?
Because they are two differentpeople and just because they
remind me of each other does notmean they are each other.
Yeah, I'll never forget.
I had a professor tell me thatthere was a particular
population that they wouldn'twork with, and it was a very

(07:45):
general but also a very specificpopulation, because that
population triggered thatprofessor.
And I remember thinking as astudent, you can't turn away
every 35-year-old person thatwalks through your door named
Susie.
But that was the first time Irealized that we, we like we

(08:08):
should work through this, but,but a lot of people don't.

Speaker 1 (08:13):
Well, that's one of the things you know.
Maybe you know, going back tothings you wish you had known
earlier in your career is thatexact statement right?
If I'm triggered by someone butI've already agreed to help
them and we've built rapport andthey're sitting in front of me.
They don't know that I'mtriggered.

(08:34):
They don't know.
This is my issue.
As an ethical therapist, it'smy obligation to work through my
shit so I can continue to behelpful to them.
If I stop the session or waittill the session's over and go,
oh, you know what I justrealized, I can't work with you
because, oh, it's, don't worry,it's not you, it's me and it's

(08:57):
fine, and I hear three referralsthere.
We're good, right, have a niceday.
Oh, I mean, that's that's awfuland we are professionals.
That's why you know, that's whywe hold a license, and so you
know, if you're out thereshopping for therapists, please

(09:20):
check and make sure they have alicense.
Please make sure that they holda state piece of paper that
says that they are able to dotherapy with you.
Because this is one of thethings I I know.
We are trained to go deal withour shit on a regular basis and

(09:43):
to be aware when our shit isclouding what's happening in the
therapy room, and that's partof what supervision is for, too
right.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
Yeah, well, and it's easy.
We have so many interactionsand so many relationships that
it's easy to find in any clientsomething that reminds you of
something, whether it's yourselfas a kid, or as somebody you
knew, or somebody you dated, orsomebody in your family, like
it's.
It's very, it's very easybecause that's what our minds

(10:16):
want to do.
The human mind wants to drawconnection.
We draw connections throughpatterns.
Patterns show up in repetitionand, and that's why, you know,
we might meet somebody and go,oh, you remind me of my friend,
and we instantly bond with thatperson.
And it's not because we knowthem, it's not because we really
truly bonded, but there'ssomething in them that reminds

(10:38):
us of that familiarity.
I can't talk with somebody else, and so, as a whole, we have to
learn how to shut that off andtreat every client that comes to
the door as an individual, withtheir own unique problems and
their own unique personality, sothat we don't, you know, like

(11:00):
one client more than we likeanother client, because this
client reminds us of this friendthat we had back in high school
that we love dearly.
It's so that we can keep thatethical.
You know, we treat everybodythe same, with that same
justness and fairness, so thatwe don't it just as easily, as
we don't like them.
You know, we connect too much.

Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, and speaking of that, that's still the number
one reason that therapists andmental health professionals get
complaints filed against thembecause we have sex with our
clients, get complaints filedagainst them because we have sex
with our clients.
And so the word for thiseverybody who's not in the
business is calledcounter-transference.
Counter-transference it means Iam interpreting an incorrect

(12:00):
message.
It's my stuff, not the client's.
I'm supposed to be a receptaclefor the client.
I'm supposed to be listening,reflecting, influencing,
listening, reflecting,influencing for the client's
wellbeing.
And the minute I start thinking, huh, they're kind of cute.
Yeah, you know what?
I think we could.
We could probably be a thing.
Uh, you know, and my textshappen to get a little longer

(12:22):
and more explicit, and I mean, Ilaugh, but it happens.
I know, I know.
And the idea that we, ascounselors, would look at
therapy as only for people withproblems, I mean, oh my gosh,
how hypocritical is that?
Right?
I mean, for us it's justmaintenance.

(12:45):
And counselors, therapists,mental health professionals if
you're listening to us, it's notsaying that.
Okay, if you find yourselfattracted to a client, you're
doing something wrong.
No, attraction is normal.
Anybody can be attracted toanyone.

(13:05):
It's acting on that attraction,and are you professional enough
to be able to stop and go?
Whoa, I need help immediately.
I need to call my therapist.
Or, if you're stillprovisionally licensed, I need
to call my supervisor.
And if you're afraid of yoursupervisor, call a supervisor
you're not afraid of.
And, by the way, fire the oneyou're afraid of, because this

(13:29):
is normal.
Counter-transference isn'tsomething we cure in a therapist
.
It's not something that we everget to the bottom of and it's
done and oh right, we're, we're,we're all better.
It's just who we are and we'rehuman beings and therapy helps
us get to the bottom of it.
So we don't make that mistakeof acting on something that is

(13:53):
not in the client's bestinterest, right, I mean?
Or something that's harmful forus.
You know, I mean, I rememberyou know you were talking about
that.
I remember when my dad cameinto the therapy room and this
guy he did not look like my dad.
He did not have the same accentthat my dad has or had.

(14:14):
He did.
I mean nothing about.
This guy looked like my daduntil he leaned forward and
pointed his finger at me andraised his voice which, by the
way, clients, you're allowed todo that.
You're allowed to do all ofthat, right, Therapists, we're
trained to take that.
It's part of the.
It's part of the healthysession.
You're to do all of that, right, therapists, we're trained to
take that.
It's part of the healthysession.
You're totally okay doing that.

(14:36):
I started crying in session.
I busted out crying.
I was so embarrassed and I wasjust like, oh my gosh, what have
I done?
You know I ended the session.
I called them later, Iapologized, they apologized to
me and I, as a professional, Icould not recover that

(14:56):
relationship.
I ended up giving themreferrals, but I did.
I had to take it to my owntherapist and say what the hell
I mean I've been a counselor for15 years, by that point and
it's like what the hell justhappened.
I thought I was.
I thought I was better thanthat, you know, and they just
laughed.

(15:16):
Oh silly counselor.

Speaker 2 (15:19):
That's so cute.
Oh, bless your heart.

Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yes, she blessed my heart.
I did that's funny an oath,just like all of the other
professionals, to do no harm,and we cannot do something in
our interests that is harmful oragainst our clients' wishes.
So, yes, therapy, get thetherapy therapists right.

(16:06):
I mean anything you want to addto that.

Speaker 2 (16:09):
Yeah, I think it's always necessary.

Speaker 1 (16:14):
It necessary.
Just a good me too.

Speaker 2 (16:16):
And it, and it.
I think it gives you somecredibility anyway, because I've
.
I've literally had clients tellme like oh, you don't
understand, I'm the one intherapy, I'm the one with
problems, and I laugh and I'mlike no, I've been a consumer of
therapy many times in my life.
Let's just normalize that.

Speaker 1 (16:37):
What was that old hair clip for men?
Right, I'm not just aspokesperson, I'm a customer.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yep Exactly.

Speaker 1 (16:46):
Everybody needs therapy.
It's not.
Therapy is not just for brokenpeople.
You are not broken If you go totherapy.
Look at, look into my people.
You are not broken.
If you go to therapy, look intomy eyes, you are not broken.
It means you are doing yourbest and you're trying to do
something amazing.
So, even if you're a mentalhealth professional, get your
butt to therapy.
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