March 18, 2025 • 45 mins
Your perspective shapes everything about how you experience your marriage. Are you constantly focusing on what your partner does wrong, or are you actively looking for the good? In this candid conversation, Greg and Jessica share how their vastly different life experiences shaped their mindsets about family, relationships, and overcoming trauma.
Jessica reveals the profound shift that occurred when she had to decide whether to live as "the widow" after losing her first husband at 32 with two small children. Through counseling and learning about "Eucharisto" - the practice of active gratitude - she discovered how to find joy even amidst devastating loss. Her powerful realization: "He's there to do it" became her response when hearing others complain about their spouses' annoying habits. The simple gift of presence became everything.
Greg opens up about his transformative experience running a half-marathon with zero training after his divorce, sobbing through the final mile as he processed years of pain and the fear of becoming like his abusive father. This physical challenge became a metaphor for his life: "I can do more than I think I can."
Both hosts emphasize that choosing not to be victims doesn't mean denying their trauma - it means refusing to let their hardest moments define them. This mindset has shaped how they parent their blended family and approach their marriage, deliberately looking for positive rather than dwelling on annoyances.
Try this simple exercise: pause right now and text your partner three things you love about them. As Greg brilliantly sums up: "You will find what you're looking for. If you're looking for positive, you're going to find it."
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Welcome to Baggage Claim everybody.
Thank you so much for joiningin with us.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab that favorite
drink.
Whatever that may be for youDepends on your day Pull up to
the table and we're going to getready to unpack tonight Before
we get into Also.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I'm loving your hat.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I just want to say, when this hits, it's the day
after St Paddy's Day.
I really have no idea what StPaddy's Day celebrates other
than drinking green beer, likemaybe.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So woo Friends that are just listening he has on
what would resemble, maybe, atop hat.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
It's massive.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
It's about two and a half feet tall and it's green,
with the giant brim andshamrocks.
It's a situation.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
We'll try to post a picture on social.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
And a green shirt.
I also have on a shirt that haslucky and, like it's, festive.
Hey, this is a green shirt.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This is a master's shirt.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
It's festive in here.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah, it has pimento cheese sandwiches on it, all
kind of good stuff.
It is green, it is green, soit's about the only green thing
I have.
So anyway, in other words, I'mgoing to get rid of my big hat.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Thank you, it's distracting.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Because it's really big.
So I want to do some.
Like we are amazed every time Iam.
When I look at stats of ourpodcast of people who are
listening to us around theUnited States it of people who
are listening to us around theUnited States it blows my mind.
I just want to say thank youfirst off for doing that.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Did I say something stupid?
No, I burped.
Okay, I'm sorry, I mean just tobe honest.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Welcome to our podcast, Well.
I mean, we ate dinner and thenhere we are, okay so I'm going
to do some shout-outs to somepeople around, wherever they may
be, and hopefully Jess doesn'tthrow up or burp in her
microphone again.
Oh my.
So everyone who's in Nashvillelistening to us, thank you so
much.
Yes, thank you In Nashville.
We love Nashville.
We've been there a couple oftimes, have some friends who
(02:17):
live, who are up there.
They're near there.
Yeah yeah, people in Houston,texas listening to us.
San Francisco, california,that's crazy.
Yeah, there's some people inHawaii who are listening to us.
I don't know how to say theisland that they're on.
I'm sorry, starts with a K.
I'm a country boy.
Yes, Thank you so much forlistening.
Tuning in One of our newestplaces was someone in Memphis.
(02:39):
Hey, if you're in Memphis andyou're listening to us, thank
you so much.
We really appreciate it.
And for you guys okay, I can'tsay it, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I feel like I'm saying it the right way because
I do teach first grade, but Ithink the name of the city is
Euclid.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, so if we're butchering that, we're so sorry.
Yeah, please DM us and be likeyou're an idiot.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I use my phonics rules that I teach my six and
seven-year-olds and I feel likethat's how you say it.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
But anyway, we just want to say thank you so much
for tuning in and listening.
We hope you share it withsomeone that you know that is
walking through the same kind ofthing or just may find this
information helpful or contentof what we're sharing, because
that's the whole purpose, isthat we share and help someone
Because we know everybody's notlike us and we know that
everybody has not walked throughwhat we've walked through.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
But we're just trying to share what has worked and
what our experience is andhopefully there's pieces that
are helpful for other friends.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Yeah, we've said it once, we'll say it a thousand
times and a thousand times morewe're not perfect.
We don't have this figured out.
We're just telling you whatwe've learned, how we screwed it
up, what we've done that wefeel like has worked, and things
we are trying to figure out aswe go.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So just, join us in this journey and enjoy your
drink.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Whatever baby.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What are we talking about tonight?
Tonight we're going to talkabout— Today, whatever this
morning, this morning, thisevening, whichever this time
this podcast we're going to talkabout your mindset.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I love this.
This is my sweet spot.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
And mindset can mean different things to different
people, but mostly it's kind oflike what's your filter?
How do you look at yourmarriage?
What's your?
Even perspective might be aword.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Like a half glass, half full glass, half empty kind
of person.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yep, what you looking for, gotcha yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Gotcha, I love this.
I've read a couple books onmindset, like how to change your
mindset, mapping your mind.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Oh, you read that FBI book and I thought you were
playing mind games.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
That was like how to read body language.
I was trying to see if Jess wasreally lying to me, so I read
this body language book.
I really didn't, just because Ithought it was cool.
So I read it as like an FBIagent's body language book.
But I read this other book thatwas talking about.
You can remap your brain, butyou have to trick your brain
into remapping.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
That's when you started brushing your teeth with
the wrong hand.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yes, I started because, if you don't know this,
when you brush your teeth inthe morning and if you're
listening to this when you'rebrushing your teeth, you brush
your teeth with the same handevery morning.
Well, because if I'mright-handed, I'm going to brush
my teeth with my right hand andwhat I realized is we put our
hand on our hip when we brushour teeth.
No, we don't you do.
No, you do it too, because Ilook over at you and your hand's
(05:18):
on your hip.
We're brushing our teeth andI'm just thing and I was like I
got to brush my teeth with theopposite hand.
Yeah, it just tricked my mind.
It's so flipping hard Like it'sjust weird how—but I started my
day that way and then I wasjust—I would say positive things
to myself in the mirror In themirror.
Yes, I would.
I'm a weirdo, I know that I donot, but I was just.
(05:42):
The whole idea was I wanted tothink more positive about my
life, because I'm a I'm notalways positive, but I don't
have an off button.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
You're not positive, but you're not negative either.
You're just always like pickingthings apart.
I think.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Yeah, I overanalyze and think a lot, lot, lot, lot,
so that causes me to have toactually slow down.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, meanwhile I'm like there's a silver lining
around every corner and there'srainbows and butterflies.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
To tell you where my mindset is in life.
This is my mindset and I'veshared this as a struggle for me
, and I've shared this with Jess.
I believe every rain danceworks.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
I have it written down, what you're about to say.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
I really believe that In my notes.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm flipping through my little handy dandy notebook.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
You're going to see if I say it the right way.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah, I am actually.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
My mindset in life is that I believe that every rain
dance works because you justkeep dancing until it rains.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Oh my gosh, you're so close to your actual quote.
Yeah, it's on the first page ofmy notebook.
Every rain dance works as longas you keep dancing until it
rains, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Yeah, same idea Pretty close.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
It's one of my favorite things you said,
because that's why it's thefirst thing in my head.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
So it's one of those ideas Like I just sometimes I
don't know when to quit and Ishould quit and I just keep
going and I don't need to.
But that's my mindset, so youhelp even that out in me some
and just be like, hey, tap thebrakes a little bit Slow down
the other Saturday morning Iwalked in I was like, what are
we going to do?
Let's do something.
Get off the couch, let's go andyou go.
(07:19):
Why do we always have to bedoing something and to be doing
something?
And I was like, I don't know,but it sounds fun, let's go.
It was a beautiful day out.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Can I just sit on the couch for a little while,
because our days are verydifferent?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yes, they are.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Very, very different.
I get up super early, getdressed, leave the house super
early when it's still dark to goteach littles for nine hours a
day, and sometimes you work athome.
Sometimes you're not in thehouse, but a lot of the times
you do, you're working alone,and so that's our mindset,
that's our perspective.
So on a Saturday when I'm home,you're like woohoo, let's go do
(07:52):
all the things, and I'm likecan I just sit here and just
drink my coffee without 18children?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So when we I say that for you guys to hear, because
you may be listening going ohguys are so much alike.
We are not alike like in theway we think, the way we act, uh
, we're not.
So when we share the stuff thatwe have resolved or landing at
it.
We've went through someturbulence and we went through
some things to get there to justfind a place that we feel
(08:20):
comfortable, like for us as acouple.
So, uh, I say that not to getcaught up in remapping your
brain.
I mean, if you guys areinterested, there's some really
fun books out there.
We can.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
It's a whole thing.
If you want to get greg talkingabout yeah in a later day, I
love that that's not today, okay, yeah so just talking about how
we see our family, yeah, like Isaid, what's your filter,
what's your perspective?
and it can be even like, what iseven your view of what family
is?
What does that mean to you,what does family mean to you,
(08:50):
what does marriage mean to you?
And that could even come from,like, how you feel about family.
How you feel about marriagecomes from even how you were
raised, which we touched on alittle bit a couple episodes ago
.
With how you were raised.
I was raised I mean, mom andDaddy were married for a really
long time, and so I didn't seewhat you saw, and so that's
(09:14):
where my foundation was.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
But then— you grew up in church, correct, I did I did
.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I grew up in church since I was born.
Okay, but also your perspectiveor your filter, your mindset,
whatever word you want to use,also comes from your experiences
.
And so like my filter onmarriage is different than what
your filter might be, althoughwe've landed at the same part
and same like foundation, we'rein the same airport.
(09:41):
Airport.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, yeah, we've landed in the same airport.
We did.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
We're in the same airport Airport.
Yeah yeah, we've landed in thesame airport.
We did we landed in the sameairport.
We got there from differentcountries Right Definitely.
Yes, and then we claimed ourbaggage.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Oh, okay, that was very cheesy.
Oh my gosh, oh my God, that wasso perfect, though it was so
cheesy.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
It was so cheesy.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
God, I hope we cut that out.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
No, but welcome to baggage claim.
That's why I came up with thisname?
How many years ago?
That has been a while yeah, andyou didn't like it I didn't at
first.
No, here we are, yep welcome tobaggage claim friends that's
the fourth welcome.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So anyway, I I agree that our filter is we want you
to feel really welcome tonight.
So the whole idea of filters iskind of like a pair of
sunglasses.
If you think about, when youput those sunglasses on, things
look different.
It's just a different kind offilter and I don't know if you
know this.
If you're out there and you'remarried and you have kids, like
(10:41):
everything you do affects yourkids, like positive, negative.
They're watching, they'relistening, they're seeing how
you do things, they're seeinghow you act, because we've all
done the same things andsometimes our biggest wounds and
our biggest trauma sometimescomes from our parents, the
people that are closest to us.
My life was fairly different,like I grew up in a very
(11:06):
different.
My mom's side of the family wasamazing, sweet, loving my mom.
If it wasn't for her, god knowswhere I would be right now.
But um, my dad's side was justunleashed like disaster yeah,
like I.
Yeah, my dad cut his brother'sfingers off off of a bed.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
At a family cookout.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, it's just that's where that side came from
.
So it was a really really crazylike cops showing up at a
family event for a fight.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Meanwhile in my world we would go to nanny's every
Sunday after church, everyThursday evening for dinner,
like it was very like calm androutine.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
But from my mom's side.
I got an idea from mygrandfather, my grandma and my
mom, your father and mama.
Yeah, they kind of showed uswhat family was and it was all
about family, and so that helpedkind of balance me in that.
But I still it's justcompletely different stories.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah, but I do love that both of us have the common
thread of our grandparents beinga really huge part of who we
are.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah, I spent a ton of time at their house when I
was a kid growing up, which issuper fun, yeah.
So when we say that, maybe withyour significant other, just a
good question, just to ask eachother, maybe jot it down on your
phone just to be like, oh, ifyou're driving, you know, don't
do that, don't do that.
But wherever you're at, ifyou're listening, just jot this
(12:32):
down on your phone or notes andsay what is our idea of family,
like, what is our idea of ourfamily we're living in now?
Yeah, and then what is our?
idea of family that we're fromor in Because there's a lot of
dysfunctional families out there.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
There are.
And then we let thosedysfunctional families affect
our family, and it's not just Ithink I said it a minute ago
it's not just what's your ideaof family, it's also what's your
idea of marriage.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yes, yeah, that's a whole different mindset.
Yeah, so yeah, and we haveagain.
We have completely differentperspectives on that also too.
So do you want to share yours?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
So my perspective on marriage comes from the loss of
a spouse?
Yes, it didn't obviously startout that way when I got married
when I was 21.
Yes, it didn't obviously startout that way when I got married
when I was 21.
Right, I was young to getmarried.
I know that now.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
You're 21?
.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
I was 21.
Wow, okay, yeah, I turned 21 onthe second of the month and we
got married on the 26th of thatsame month.
Okay, so when you're, you knowI'm going to live happily ever
after.
You have all these big plans.
But that's not how it turnedout.
Some of our happily ever afterhappened.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So how did that like how?
I mean, that's a huge, that'strauma, that's a lot of trauma,
that's a lot of trauma,unexpected trauma too.
How did you shift your mindjust your mindset in that?
How did that work for you?
Speaker 2 (14:07):
your mind thinking, just your mindset in that.
How'd that work for you?
It truly was a mindset where Ihad to literally set my mind to
where I wanted to be, because wetalked about when we were kind
of planning this out, likewhatever happens to you or
whatever circumstance you mightfind yourself in, whether it
happens to you or you were apart of it, you can choose to be
(14:31):
the victim or you can choose tofind the victory.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
So I'm curious and this isn't in your notes, so
this may be oh, energy.
So when you say a victim, like,what is that Like when I say
don't be a victim, what doesthat mean to you Like?
What's your response to that?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
From my perspective, right the don't be a victim is
the poor, pitiful me.
Everybody feels sorry for me.
My husband passed away at anearly age and I'm young and I
have little kids.
Everybody needs to feel sorryfor me because I'm pitiful.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Okay, gotcha, all right.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But that at the, at the core, even before that,
that's not who I am.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
But then I learned even more about who I am through
that, because I knew I didn'tknow right away, obviously, but
in the course of moving throughthat time of my life I was not
going to be the victim of oh,you're the widow, you're the
32-year-old widow, like, let'sall feel sorry for Jessica,
(15:41):
let's pet Jessica.
I mean, there was a time, aspan of time, where obviously I
needed that Right, because, likeI mentioned in the get-.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
There's got to be a portion of that.
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Like I mentioned in the get-go, when all of my
friends came together andsupported me and loved me so
hard, from showing up at my hometo help me do life to letting
me literally live in their homeLike there was a time in my life
.
I didn't want them to look atme and think, oh, she's poor and
pitiful, but they pulledtogether and literally banded
(16:11):
together to put me back together.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
So what switched for you then?
When did it switch from that toa different mindset?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
So, having grown up a Christian basically, I mean I
grew up in church I became aChristian when I was 12.
At some point in my, you know,being married and making a home
life, there was this rockdecoration thing and I have it.
(16:41):
I need to dig it out of some ofthese storage bins.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
You hold on to a lot of stuff.
I do.
I keep everything.
Yes, you do.
I need to dig it out of some ofthese storage bins.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
You hold on to a lot of stuff.
I do.
I keep everything.
Yes, you do.
I can't help it.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
You remember, when we were cleaning out my house, I
was living in how many boxes ofkid stuff.
Yes, Like if you teased mebecause you were like if Thomas
or Erin Grace made a single markon a piece of paper in Sunday
school, you kept it.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Yes, it was a piece of paper, it was a notebook.
Piece of paper I did, I kepteverything.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
But I do still have this and I know I do because
it's so important, because thisis kind of like an anchor in
that point.
It was a rock and it wasengraved on the rock.
The verse from Romans is Romans8.28,.
But this is the Jessicaparaphrase situation of that God
wants good for those who lovehim.
(17:26):
I mean, he promised that.
So I held onto that.
Even in the early parts of mycounseling and therapy and
trying to put my feet undermyself.
I didn't see anything good.
I mean there just wasn't.
How can there be good in what Iwas going through?
Like my husband died, mylittles don't have a dad, like
(17:47):
there was no good to be found.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
But, like I said a second ago, like okay, well, I
had a really good bunch offriends, I had a great family
that literally, like I said,banded together to help kind of
hold me together and fill in thepieces where I was missing.
So when I started thinkingabout, and kind of that was the
verse that just was every singleday.
(18:10):
That's just kind of what Imeditated on.
Trying to look for the goodhelped me kind of fix my focus
more.
I mean, mind you, it took a fewyears of counseling to really
kind of get there.
But then, in the midst of allof that, my friend candace gave
me a book that's called 1000gifts and it's by ann voskamp
(18:35):
and I never heard of that author, never seen the book before,
but and I'm not even sure ifcandace even read it or somebody
recommended for her to give itto me, I don't even know, but I
remember that when I was readingthat book she started talking
about very simple things of liketake a look at how beautiful
(19:00):
that cloud is today in front ofyou in the sky, or the fact that
you can use your eyeballs tosee that cloud, or that tree
that's in your yard.
It's got leaves.
Think about how wonderful it isthat there's a god that makes
that happen, or that bird, likesuper, super simple things to be
(19:21):
grateful for, like I got towitness that, oh yeah.
And so, of course, it got deeperand there was a word that I
learned.
I'm pretty sure it's latin, Idon't know for sure because it's
a fancy word.
It's Eucharisto, and I know themeaning of that word is the act
of being grateful.
So it's not like oh yeah, I'mgrateful for that, thank you for
(19:43):
that.
Having happened, it's activelyevery step of my day thinking of
things that I can be gratefulfor.
It's actively pursuing that,not at the end of the day when I
lay down and I say my prayersfor another bed.
Thank you this, thank you that,thank you this.
It's every step of my day.
What can I be grateful for?
(20:03):
As I put one foot in front ofthe other.
That viewpoint changed my life.
Oh, wow, yeah, my whole life.
Wow, yeah, wow yeah.
It went from the where could Iwallow in the poor, pitiful me,
to then being able to say I'mgrateful for what I had.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
And that's not being disrespectful to TJ.
I'm sorry.
I'm getting emotional.
I'm not sorry.
That's not being disrespectfulfor what the marriage and the
relationship that I have with TJ.
We were kids when we gottogether and then we got to grow
up together and make a familytogether and for me to be able
(20:45):
to say I figured out how to begrateful after I lost him is by
no means disrespect.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
I think TJ would want you to be there.
I think, he would want you tobe.
I mean because I know my heart,like if something happened
between us.
I know my desire for you isthat you live life to the full,
like no matter what that lookslike, so that you enjoy all
aspects, not that you sit in aroom and mope so I know he's
(21:17):
thinking of that going.
No, that's not disrespectful atall.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
That's beautiful.
Bless his mom's heart.
Like TJ, lost his father at ayoung age, and so not quite as
young as Thomas and Erin Gracedid, but him having gone through
that, that was the actualconversation that we had.
Like if something happens to me, what do you hope that will
happen?
So I knew that he would notwant me to wallow in it and I
(21:46):
knew without a shadow of a doubthe'd want me to find happiness,
whatever that looks like.
So I had that tucked away in myheart too, but it changes your
mindset and it changes yourperspective when you actively
look for good.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Now whether or not you've been through some
horrible trauma.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Or it's your every single day life.
Yes, like even for you and me.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, if you can actively, even for you and me
yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
If you can actively look for the good thing.
And I'll say now, this is not apart that I'm particularly
proud of, because I got sassy,no surprise.
Yeah once I started walking downthat path of looking for things
(22:41):
to actively be grateful for inmy loss and my trauma and my
sorrow, when I would.
Social media, you know, is goodand bad, but when I would see
sometimes friends and sometimesnot people posting things and
saying things to me, or meoverhearing things of women
(23:02):
complaining about their husbands, little things like, oh, he
can't put his dirty clothes inthe hamper, or he just gets
toothpaste everywhere, or whycan he not this, why can he not
that?
Yeah, I got ugly a few times.
Did you post these uglycomments?
(23:27):
I did.
Oh go, girl, it's like, buthe's there to do it.
Why can you not be gratefulthat he's home today to throw
his dirty clothes on the floor?
Because he's hurrying to theshower to do this or that,
because you ask him to, or sure,there's toothpaste or beard
clippings or whatever everybodycomplains about?
I don't know, I'm not perfect,I don't know because I don't
(23:48):
complain about those things, butwhat people complain about?
Their husbands?
He's there to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Yeah, it really is interesting, because you don't
say those things Like.
That mindset followed you andyou still hold on to those
things Like, which is, I mean,thank goodness.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Thank God, we're here for you.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, because it's like I know I'm not perfect and
I am not the easiest person inthe world to live with, but I
mean you make that really easythough, because you do have a
really cool perspective onrelationships and life.
And I mean everybody who meetsyou, no matter where we're at,
they're just like, theyimmediately love, love you and
(24:34):
they just are drawn to you.
And I think it's that positiveattitude, that energy that you
give off from that.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I'm just grateful to have all the moments I get to
collect them.
I just kind of feel emotionalin the back of my throat.
But whether it's you or anybodyelse that's in my life that I
care about, whether it's you oranybody else that's in my life
that I care about, or if I don'tknow you, when I do get to know
you, those are little treasuresI get to collect, because if
(25:03):
you weren't here to have thatmoment I wouldn't get to collect
that.
I mean, it's treasures.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
That's such a cool lens to look through life at
Like, if you look at it that wayand I've said this in the past
but just even your mindset whenwe're traveling or going
somewhere, you're so flippingexcited and you're just over in
that.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Some people might say it's childish and it could be
annoying.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
It could be.
I mean, if you've been to athousand times to an airport,
you're like, oh my God, here wego again.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
And I've been to the airport maybe what?
Speaker 1 (25:41):
seven times yeah and you get all excited and you get
excited about walking Even onthe moving sidewalk.
You get pumped about that.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I do.
I don't have to move my feet,it's so cool, it's just those
things.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
grab other people around you Like your energy.
Well, I mean.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
I think you mentioned it before.
We went to Belize on ourhoneymoon.
It was the first time I'd everbeen out of the country.
I was jumping up and down toget my little stamp on my
passport and that dude was likeoh my God.
And you're like no, no, no, no,it's our first time.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
But then, once he changed his perspective on this
idiot 34-year-old jumping up anddown, he saw it and he started
grinning with me.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Yeah, so it's contagious, and that's the
beautiful part about this yourmindset, the way you see life,
the way you see your marriage iscontagious to everybody you
come in contact with.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
It changes everything .
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Yeah, your kids, your husband.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I don't have the perfect mindset and perspective
every day.
I don't I certainly don't, andI keep.
I've said it before.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I don't say that like Lord.
No, you don't Lord.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
no, yeah, absolutely not You're the worst.
No, I feel like I most of thetime I'm that way, but I I feel
like I most of the time I'm thatway, but I'm not perfect, and
like we are not saying we'reperfect, oh Lord, but because of
our experiences that we've hadand what brought us to be
together we're really mindful of.
I mean, you can't have walkedin our perspective shoes Right
(27:15):
and not change the way you lookat things.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah, You've helped me because I'm like you're like,
oh, look, how pretty that is,and I'm like, yeah, that's
awesome, let's keep going.
Let's keep moving Slow down andso you have helped me to kind of
apply the brakes and just kindof slow down and you know,
figuratively speak, smell theroses you have to.
(27:37):
Yeah, it's just kind of enjoythe moment.
That's been a really hard thingfor me is that and I mean, some
of my kids called Cody, blesshis heart, called that to where
it's hard for him to enjoy themoment, like I've always said
hey, when I do this, when Iaccomplish this goal I reach,
I'm going to go celebrate.
But my internal, when I reachthat goal, I'm like, okay, now
(27:58):
what's next?
And you're like I thought wewere celebrating.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
But you won't pause to use your perspective to say
oh my, I just accomplished thisreally big thing.
Let's pause here.
Because for you pausing meansoh, no, no, no, no.
That means I'm not ready forthe next thing, but for me it's
pausing.
There is like no, you workedreally hard to get here.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Let's kind of marinate in this joy that we're
in before you're ready to moveto the next thing?
Yeah, because my mindset's alittle different.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
No, it's a lot different.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, my filters are a little different, or?
Speaker 2 (28:33):
even just where your background came from versus
where my background came from,even from where you grew up and
your previous marriageexperience.
Your filter, your perspectiveis very different than mine.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Yeah, I had a couple of mine.
Just to tell you where I was at.
Like I will be really brief andreally quick.
Like I grew up in a very wasn'tdidn't like my dad much at all.
Dad was very, he was analcoholic, he was very abusive.
It wasn't a great situation.
I remember lots of times we'dgo pick my dad up, sometimes
from jail, and it was just aweird awkward situation and I
(29:10):
was always telling myself Idon't want to be like him.
I don't want to be like him.
I'm never going to be like mydad.
He's just a piece of crap.
I'm not going to do that.
And then I had this moment whereI'm sitting in a jail cell in a
holding tank and my mom's on myway to come pick me up because
I wasn't 21.
I was sitting there, I'd beendrinking and it was this weird
(29:34):
moment.
I was like I'm the guy that Inever wanted to be Like.
I'm sitting here going holy.
Now, did I like that?
First of all, that ride homewas horrible.
It was the longest ride.
My mom bless her heart.
I'm sorry for putting youthrough what I did, but it
wasn't like I got out and waslike ooh, converted, oh, I'm
different now.
It wasn't that at all.
(29:55):
It took a little time.
It was a process for me, and sothere were different stages
that made me kind of go, okay, Ican't do that, I need to do
something different.
I need something different.
When I was going through mydivorce, divorce had been done
and we're just waiting onpaperwork to be signed.
I've always had this thingwhere I try to do things that
(30:16):
are really difficult for me.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Well, before you go there, Okay.
This is what we were talkingabout earlier, because this was
kind of like a turning point foryou and I both, like I knew I
didn't want to be the quote,unquote the widow.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And you knew you didn't want to be the divorced
dad.
Yeah, even though in realitythat's who we were.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
At that point, and so , once we both had gone through
all the things that led us tothat moment, yes.
Is where some things changed.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Right For me.
It was like I am that guy.
I don't want anybody to feelsorry for me.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I don't want anybody to go.
Oh, woe is you.
It doesn't matter how I gotthere, it doesn't matter whose
fault it was.
None of that really mattered.
It's like okay, so now I'm here.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So here's the moment where you are.
Yeah, what are you going to doabout it?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
And so I had some friends that were just like, hey
, we're going to go run a raceand I've always done this, I'm
going to do hard things thatjust push me and challenge me.
This has been something I'vedone over the years.
And so I was like, cool, I'llgo run.
Like sign me, I want to sign up.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
And so I signed up Run a what I was running a half
marathon.
Had you trained?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
No, no, ma'am, I didn't run one single mile.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
I mean, I know the answer to that, but our friends
don't.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
So I signed up for a half marathon in Savannah, never
trained one single bit, didn'tdo any.
And I, my only goal was there's.
It was called a van, like theycall it sweeper van.
I was like I'm not gettingpicked up by that sweeper van.
No, don't do that.
That's my only goal and I'mgoing to run the whole time.
That's it.
Didn't train at all so I waslike it's not that far, you know
(32:01):
, it's not that many miles, it'sonly half marathon.
Right, I was like anybody can dothat.
Yes, anybody could I run.
So if I'm quiet and he's like,okay, cool, I talked his ears
off.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
You don't like to talk when you run?
Speaker 1 (32:22):
No, and we're just running and all of a sudden we
passed the 10K mark.
I was like bro, I've never runa 10K before.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Oh my God, and he's like well me either.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
And so we're just still running.
And then we stopped and he hadto use the bathroom and it was
an aid station and we gotseparated around mile 10.
And then after 10, I juststarted running by myself and
then I was just like, okay, I'mjust going to run.
And so I'm running and I hadsome weird experiences, like
some guy was like, hey, chugthis beer.
And I was like, okay, cool, soI did, did that, which is great
carbs when you're running.
Anyway, I had some goo, whichis crap, um.
(32:58):
But what was crazy for me is Iwas like I'm not gonna stop
running and this weird thinghappened to me about mile 12.
Like I hit mile 12 and I wasrunning and all I could think
about was all the pain, all thehurt, all the things I had been
in my life and I felt like I wasrunning from them and I got it
(33:19):
was so weird because I got soemotional that last mile and a
half was, yeah, I was literallyby myself, just bawling, running
and my legs were hurtingeverything and I was just booing
, sobbing, running and peoplewere looking.
I know people were looking atme like what is wrong with this
guy?
Do we need to help that guy.
Yeah, is that guy?
Okay?
Because I'm all by myself, noneof my friends are around
anywhere.
But I really believe that was amoment for me, because when I
(33:41):
ran across that finish line, Inever stopped running, and so I
finished it and I was justsobbing and I was just like I
can do more than I think I can.
I was like I can do way morethan I think I can, because I
never run a mile.
Now, needless to say, Icouldn't walk the next day.
That's beside the point.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
I was so sore.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
But that was one of those moments for me that I just
said okay, there's more for me.
I can do more and it changed mymindset for life as kind of a
dad with two kids going in.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
It was just like okay , but you changed your mindset
about yourself too.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
It was myself which helped me push through for my
kids.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
You did that for yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Yeah, because I was so afraid to be by myself.
That was another thing.
I was scared to be by myselfbecause I can't tell you how
many times I remember hidingfrom my dad under my bed in the
woods, and so I won't get intochildhood trauma, but I would
hide from those things just, andit felt so alone.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, and then when you were alone, it's like your
mindset could take you backthere, or you could choose to do
what you did.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Yeah, the seven days my kids were gone and I was like
, well, I'm not going to sit inthat.
And that became actually astrength for me, right, and I
love solitude now, but anyway,so that really helped.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
It drives me nuts when you want to be by yourself
because I'm like what's wrong,what's wrong, what's wrong.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Yeah, and I just like it to be quiet so sometimes,
which is you know what's crazywith four kids in our house.
But that changed our mindsetfor how we approached life and
how we did things with ourfamilies and we always told our
kids we're not going to bevictims.
Baggage claim is not a place tocome and be a victim.
It's a place where you can comeand bring your hurt.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Yes, and bring your trauma To.
Choose to not be a victimdoesn't mean you deny how you
got where you are.
Correct.
That's two very differentthings, right it's.
What do you do with it?
Do you choose to be the victimor do you choose to find the
victory that brought you towhere you're at?
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Yeah, and seek healing, seek growth.
Like how am I going to growfrom this?
How am I going to move forwardfrom this?
Yes, and just keep movingforward.
Yes, like my whole goal wasjust every day was get up and
take one step forward.
Get up and take one stepforward, that mentality we tried
to push into our kids.
Yeah, to be like don't be avictim.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, because all four of them had some crap dealt
to them Right Out of theirdoing.
Yeah, but like you said, it'syou got to put one foot in front
of the other to keep going.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
So how you see all those things, all those filters,
affect how you see life, howyou see family and how you see
your spouse.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
So when we try to unpack this for our friends,
let's unpack it, yeah.
So my first question would beto our friends who are listening
Is it hard for you to see thegood in your spouse or
significant other?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Okay, here's a challenge.
Okay, From your question,here's a challenge.
Wherever you're at after I askthis hit, pause and do this
thing Like hit, pause and textyour significant other three
things you love about them.
And it can be like hey, here'sthree things that I love about
(37:01):
you.
Text those things, hit, send,don't say anything else, you
don't have to, and then go backand hit, play and listen to the
rest of it.
That's one place to start.
I still have a guy that I met ayear and a half ago who was
coming out, and he's in sobriety.
He's been clean Every singleday.
He sends me a gratitude list ofthings he's grateful for and it
(37:22):
enlightens my day.
It makes me so happy when I seeit.
It makes me think about whatI'm grateful for.
So do that as much as you canfor your significant other.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
Because it's all about your filters.
What are you looking for?
Yeah, if you're looking forpositive.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You're going to find positive.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Because if it is not easy for you to see the good in
your spouse, why, why, why?
Speaker 1 (37:43):
are you looking for?
Speaker 2 (37:43):
negative, Like why you chose to be together.
Speaker 1 (37:48):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Why is it hard for you to see the good stuff?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Man, that's deep it is.
That's a deep, it's really deep.
I think, if I'm honest, I thinkit's because you don't like
yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Well, yeah, that's a whole other podcast.
Yeah, but in the same sense.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
You got to start somewhere.
Start liking yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Are there things like little things in marriage or
relationships that can drive youbonkers?
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yes, oh, 100%, of course there are yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
Like some friends of mine at school, we were just
talking this and that and justthrowing things around.
And they were talking abouttheir husbands and one mentioned
about snoring and it drives herbonkers.
And they were like I justdidn't say anything, I just was
grinning and giggling just goingalong.
They're like, does Greg snore?
I was like, yeah, but it's acute little snore.
(38:44):
That actually kind of makes mefeel happy.
It helps me sleep to hear hiscute little snore.
And they were like, oh my God,of course you're going to say
that, of course you're going tosay that Like well, yeah, when
he's got sinus stuff going on.
yeah, it's loud and I'm like goto the couch please.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
Yes, you do.
You have woke me up and be likeroll over or get out of the bed
, but it's not always sweet.
But that's rare it.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
Because in my heart and in my mind again, it's my
mindset.
I'm just grateful that you'rethere sleeping beside me, and if
you have a little snore soundthat adds to the white noise
sound that's in our room, I'mgrateful that you're there
(39:29):
sleeping beside me.
Yeah, could I be annoyed by it?
Well, I certainly could.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Yeah, but I be annoyed by it.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Well, I certainly could, yeah, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
I mean, yeah, same it's all about.
I don't care what relationshipyou're in.
If you've been in it for sixmonths, you don't see that yet,
because you think everythingthey do is beautiful, Everything
is wonderful, Like they're soamazing and a year from there
it's changing Things.
Speaker 2 (39:49):
It's changing.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Things get different, but it really is true.
Like you get to change yourperspective or mindset, you're
filtered on how you see them,like the fact that Amazon
dropped off one of thosewaterproof zip bags on our front
porch so he could put his stuffin it.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
There's a basket on our front porch for them, but
the waterproof situation, thatwas Christmastime.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Oh yeah, that makes it so much easier.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
I'm on a first name basis with these.
They come three to four times aday.
Do you remember a couplechristmases ago that they
dropped us our own amazonliterally amazon box, in our
driveway?
It was a giant like yeah,weather handles yeah it was
massive.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
That was embarrassing it was embarrassing but I could
have gotten frustrated about it.
But it it's like, okay, we'renot going to do this.
No, because I mean there's somany things and we can talk
about them.
The things that couples fightabout is usually money, sex and
kids.
Yeah, so it's just like thoseare the things and we'll get
into those later.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
But the thing I want to challenge you guys with when
unpacking this is think aboutare you looking for the positive
in your family Because yourkids are going to screw up?
They are your wife, yourhusband, everybody screws up, we
all do.
And so it's like how am I goingto look at that?
What is that going to be?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Because is it easier to look for negative?
Absolutely.
We're human.
That's how we're programmed.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
But if you look for the positive, if you try some of
the things that we've talkedabout, if you just look for it,
it becomes not even secondnature, Like that's just for me
personally, finding the positivein stuff is just how I operate.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
I'll tell you what something else we'll do too, how
I operate.
I'll tell you what somethingelse we'll do too For the first
five people.
If you will comment or just DMus about the books, just say I'd
love to have the book.
I'll send you the book for free.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I'll mail it to you Because you will find what you
look for Yep Period, okay Inlife, or one another, you'll
find what you're looking for.
If you're looking for positive,you're going to find it.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
Yeah, so that's our unpack.
So it's my turn.
For the Year of Us book.
I get to ask a question.
I don't know if my productionteam is like, shut up, it's time
to go home.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Yeah, but okay, we're still good.
I'm scared, I'm scared, I don'tknow what you're going to ask.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
It's not bad, okay.
Okay, here we go.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
My glasses are on the table.
I got my glasses on.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
If I got to double up , I got issues.
What do you think would be thehardest part for you about going
on a three-day no technology,silent retreat together?
What do you think would be thehardest part for you about going
on a three-day no Instagram, noTikTok, no Facebook silent
(42:46):
retreat together?
Speaker 2 (42:48):
I would assume that it also means no texting.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
No technology.
Text kind of is technology.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Well, because I'm a JJ, it means not seeing Lucy,
that's just three days.
That's a very long time.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
The longest we've gone without being near and
seeing.
This is about us and ourgrandkid.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
You ask me the question, I'm giving my answer.
Okay, thank you.
Without seeing Lulu a pictureof her for that many days, that
would be the hardest part.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
I think the non-technology part for me, I
would flipping love that.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
You would.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
Yeah, I would burn my phone tomorrow if I could.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
How would you ever live?
Speaker 1 (43:32):
The silent part was what would kill me, because I
would want to talk.
Like I would literally have toput tape over my mouth.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
You would, because if I didn't have technology, you
know what I'd have in my hands?
Speaker 1 (43:42):
A book, a book, and I'd be like here's your mouth.
Yeah, you don't need a book andI would want to talk about the
book that I was reading with youand with you, and you would be
like, just shut up.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
Shut your mouth.
I'm reading my book.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Yeah, so all right.
Well, there's our question.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
It's my grandma answer.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
I'm so glad you would just be like I would tune you
out and read a book and missLucy.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
You asked me.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
I did ask you.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
But then you just said this.
You didn't say about Lucy, butyou were like I just want to
read and then tell you aboutwhat I'm reading.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
I just want to talk to you.
So anyway, before we get into afight here at the end of our—
oh my gosh.
Thank you, guys again.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Change your perspective, Greg?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
So thank you guys so much for joining in wherever
you're at, and hopefully wedidn't butcher that name in Ohio
, please.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
If we did, I'm sorry, I used my first grade phonics
and I sounded it out.
Speaker 1 (44:32):
But you guys, thank you so much for joining in.
I hope you like share.
Subscribe to the podcast.
Share it with everybody thatyou can.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
We're excited, you're here with us.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
Yeah, so it's been fun and we'll catch you next
time.
Bye.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
Welcome to Baggage Claim everybody.
Thank you so much for joiningin with us.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab that favorite
drink.
Whatever that may be for youDepends on your day Pull up to
the table and we're going to getready to unpack tonight Before
we get into Also.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I'm loving your hat.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
I just want to say, when this hits, it's the day
after St Paddy's Day.
I really have no idea what StPaddy's Day celebrates other
than drinking green beer, likemaybe.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
So woo Friends that are just listening he has on
what would resemble, maybe, atop hat.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
It's massive.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
It's about two and a half feet tall and it's green,
with the giant brim andshamrocks.
It's a situation.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
We'll try to post a picture on social.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
And a green shirt.
I also have on a shirt that haslucky and, like it's, festive.
Hey, this is a green shirt.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
This is a master's shirt.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
I'm sorry.
Thank you very much.
It's festive in here.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
Yeah, it has pimento cheese sandwiches on it, all
kind of good stuff.
It is green, it is green, soit's about the only green thing
I have.
So anyway, in other words, I'mgoing to get rid of my big hat.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Thank you, it's distracting.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Because it's really big.
So I want to do some.
Like we are amazed every time Iam.
When I look at stats of ourpodcast of people who are
listening to us around theUnited States it of people who
are listening to us around theUnited States it blows my mind.
I just want to say thank youfirst off for doing that.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Did I say something stupid?
No, I burped.
Okay, I'm sorry, I mean just tobe honest.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Welcome to our podcast, Well.
I mean, we ate dinner and thenhere we are, okay so I'm going
to do some shout-outs to somepeople around, wherever they may
be, and hopefully Jess doesn'tthrow up or burp in her
microphone again.
Oh my.
So everyone who's in Nashvillelistening to us, thank you so
much.
Yes, thank you In Nashville.
We love Nashville.
We've been there a couple oftimes, have some friends who
(02:17):
live, who are up there.
They're near there.
Yeah yeah, people in Houston,texas listening to us.
San Francisco, california,that's crazy.
Yeah, there's some people inHawaii who are listening to us.
I don't know how to say theisland that they're on.
I'm sorry, starts with a K.
I'm a country boy.
Yes, Thank you so much forlistening.
Tuning in One of our newestplaces was someone in Memphis.
(02:39):
Hey, if you're in Memphis andyou're listening to us, thank
you so much.
We really appreciate it.
And for you guys okay, I can'tsay it, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
I feel like I'm saying it the right way because
I do teach first grade, but Ithink the name of the city is
Euclid.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah, so if we're butchering that, we're so sorry.
Yeah, please DM us and be likeyou're an idiot.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
I use my phonics rules that I teach my six and
seven-year-olds and I feel likethat's how you say it.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
But anyway, we just want to say thank you so much
for tuning in and listening.
We hope you share it withsomeone that you know that is
walking through the same kind ofthing or just may find this
information helpful or contentof what we're sharing, because
that's the whole purpose, isthat we share and help someone
Because we know everybody's notlike us and we know that
everybody has not walked throughwhat we've walked through.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
But we're just trying to share what has worked and
what our experience is andhopefully there's pieces that
are helpful for other friends.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Yeah, we've said it once, we'll say it a thousand
times and a thousand times morewe're not perfect.
We don't have this figured out.
We're just telling you whatwe've learned, how we screwed it
up, what we've done that wefeel like has worked, and things
we are trying to figure out aswe go.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
So just, join us in this journey and enjoy your
drink.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Whatever baby.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
What are we talking about tonight?
Tonight we're going to talkabout— Today, whatever this
morning, this morning, thisevening, whichever this time
this podcast we're going to talkabout your mindset.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
I love this.
This is my sweet spot.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
And mindset can mean different things to different
people, but mostly it's kind oflike what's your filter?
How do you look at yourmarriage?
What's your?
Even perspective might be aword.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Like a half glass, half full glass, half empty kind
of person.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Yep, what you looking for, gotcha yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Gotcha, I love this.
I've read a couple books onmindset, like how to change your
mindset, mapping your mind.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Oh, you read that FBI book and I thought you were
playing mind games.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
That was like how to read body language.
I was trying to see if Jess wasreally lying to me, so I read
this body language book.
I really didn't, just because Ithought it was cool.
So I read it as like an FBIagent's body language book.
But I read this other book thatwas talking about.
You can remap your brain, butyou have to trick your brain
into remapping.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
That's when you started brushing your teeth with
the wrong hand.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Yes, I started because, if you don't know this,
when you brush your teeth inthe morning and if you're
listening to this when you'rebrushing your teeth, you brush
your teeth with the same handevery morning.
Well, because if I'mright-handed, I'm going to brush
my teeth with my right hand andwhat I realized is we put our
hand on our hip when we brushour teeth.
No, we don't you do.
No, you do it too, because Ilook over at you and your hand's
(05:18):
on your hip.
We're brushing our teeth andI'm just thing and I was like I
got to brush my teeth with theopposite hand.
Yeah, it just tricked my mind.
It's so flipping hard Like it'sjust weird how—but I started my
day that way and then I wasjust—I would say positive things
to myself in the mirror In themirror.
Yes, I would.
I'm a weirdo, I know that I donot, but I was just.
(05:42):
The whole idea was I wanted tothink more positive about my
life, because I'm a I'm notalways positive, but I don't
have an off button.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
You're not positive, but you're not negative either.
You're just always like pickingthings apart.
I think.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Yeah, I overanalyze and think a lot, lot, lot, lot,
so that causes me to have toactually slow down.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, meanwhile I'm like there's a silver lining
around every corner and there'srainbows and butterflies.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
To tell you where my mindset is in life.
This is my mindset and I'veshared this as a struggle for me
, and I've shared this with Jess.
I believe every rain danceworks.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
I have it written down, what you're about to say.
Speaker 1 (06:26):
I really believe that In my notes.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm flipping through my little handy dandy notebook.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
You're going to see if I say it the right way.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah, I am actually.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
My mindset in life is that I believe that every rain
dance works because you justkeep dancing until it rains.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
Oh my gosh, you're so close to your actual quote.
Yeah, it's on the first page ofmy notebook.
Every rain dance works as longas you keep dancing until it
rains, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Yeah, same idea Pretty close.
Speaker 2 (06:55):
It's one of my favorite things you said,
because that's why it's thefirst thing in my head.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
So it's one of those ideas Like I just sometimes I
don't know when to quit and Ishould quit and I just keep
going and I don't need to.
But that's my mindset, so youhelp even that out in me some
and just be like, hey, tap thebrakes a little bit Slow down
the other Saturday morning Iwalked in I was like, what are
we going to do?
Let's do something.
Get off the couch, let's go andyou go.
(07:19):
Why do we always have to bedoing something and to be doing
something?
And I was like, I don't know,but it sounds fun, let's go.
It was a beautiful day out.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
Can I just sit on the couch for a little while,
because our days are verydifferent?
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yes, they are.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Very, very different.
I get up super early, getdressed, leave the house super
early when it's still dark to goteach littles for nine hours a
day, and sometimes you work athome.
Sometimes you're not in thehouse, but a lot of the times
you do, you're working alone,and so that's our mindset,
that's our perspective.
So on a Saturday when I'm home,you're like woohoo, let's go do
(07:52):
all the things, and I'm likecan I just sit here and just
drink my coffee without 18children?
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So when we I say that for you guys to hear, because
you may be listening going ohguys are so much alike.
We are not alike like in theway we think, the way we act, uh
, we're not.
So when we share the stuff thatwe have resolved or landing at
it.
We've went through someturbulence and we went through
some things to get there to justfind a place that we feel
(08:20):
comfortable, like for us as acouple.
So, uh, I say that not to getcaught up in remapping your
brain.
I mean, if you guys areinterested, there's some really
fun books out there.
We can.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
It's a whole thing.
If you want to get greg talkingabout yeah in a later day, I
love that that's not today, okay, yeah so just talking about how
we see our family, yeah, like Isaid, what's your filter,
what's your perspective?
and it can be even like, what iseven your view of what family
is?
What does that mean to you,what does family mean to you,
(08:50):
what does marriage mean to you?
And that could even come from,like, how you feel about family.
How you feel about marriagecomes from even how you were
raised, which we touched on alittle bit a couple episodes ago
.
With how you were raised.
I was raised I mean, mom andDaddy were married for a really
long time, and so I didn't seewhat you saw, and so that's
(09:14):
where my foundation was.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
But then— you grew up in church, correct, I did I did
.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I grew up in church since I was born.
Okay, but also your perspectiveor your filter, your mindset,
whatever word you want to use,also comes from your experiences
.
And so like my filter onmarriage is different than what
your filter might be, althoughwe've landed at the same part
and same like foundation, we'rein the same airport.
(09:41):
Airport.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, yeah, we've landed in the same airport.
We did.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
We're in the same airport Airport.
Yeah yeah, we've landed in thesame airport.
We did we landed in the sameairport.
We got there from differentcountries Right Definitely.
Yes, and then we claimed ourbaggage.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Oh, okay, that was very cheesy.
Oh my gosh, oh my God, that wasso perfect, though it was so
cheesy.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
It was so cheesy.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
God, I hope we cut that out.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
No, but welcome to baggage claim.
That's why I came up with thisname?
How many years ago?
That has been a while yeah, andyou didn't like it I didn't at
first.
No, here we are, yep welcome tobaggage claim friends that's
the fourth welcome.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
So anyway, I I agree that our filter is we want you
to feel really welcome tonight.
So the whole idea of filters iskind of like a pair of
sunglasses.
If you think about, when youput those sunglasses on, things
look different.
It's just a different kind offilter and I don't know if you
know this.
If you're out there and you'remarried and you have kids, like
(10:41):
everything you do affects yourkids, like positive, negative.
They're watching, they'relistening, they're seeing how
you do things, they're seeinghow you act, because we've all
done the same things andsometimes our biggest wounds and
our biggest trauma sometimescomes from our parents, the
people that are closest to us.
My life was fairly different,like I grew up in a very
(11:06):
different.
My mom's side of the family wasamazing, sweet, loving my mom.
If it wasn't for her, god knowswhere I would be right now.
But um, my dad's side was justunleashed like disaster yeah,
like I.
Yeah, my dad cut his brother'sfingers off off of a bed.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
At a family cookout.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, it's just that's where that side came from
.
So it was a really really crazylike cops showing up at a
family event for a fight.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Meanwhile in my world we would go to nanny's every
Sunday after church, everyThursday evening for dinner,
like it was very like calm androutine.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
But from my mom's side.
I got an idea from mygrandfather, my grandma and my
mom, your father and mama.
Yeah, they kind of showed uswhat family was and it was all
about family, and so that helpedkind of balance me in that.
But I still it's justcompletely different stories.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah, but I do love that both of us have the common
thread of our grandparents beinga really huge part of who we
are.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
Yeah, I spent a ton of time at their house when I
was a kid growing up, which issuper fun, yeah.
So when we say that, maybe withyour significant other, just a
good question, just to ask eachother, maybe jot it down on your
phone just to be like, oh, ifyou're driving, you know, don't
do that, don't do that.
But wherever you're at, ifyou're listening, just jot this
(12:32):
down on your phone or notes andsay what is our idea of family,
like, what is our idea of ourfamily we're living in now?
Yeah, and then what is our?
idea of family that we're fromor in Because there's a lot of
dysfunctional families out there.
Speaker 2 (12:46):
There are.
And then we let thosedysfunctional families affect
our family, and it's not just Ithink I said it a minute ago
it's not just what's your ideaof family, it's also what's your
idea of marriage.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yes, yeah, that's a whole different mindset.
Yeah, so yeah, and we haveagain.
We have completely differentperspectives on that also too.
So do you want to share yours?
Speaker 2 (13:13):
So my perspective on marriage comes from the loss of
a spouse?
Yes, it didn't obviously startout that way when I got married
when I was 21.
Yes, it didn't obviously startout that way when I got married
when I was 21.
Right, I was young to getmarried.
I know that now.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
You're 21?
.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
I was 21.
Wow, okay, yeah, I turned 21 onthe second of the month and we
got married on the 26th of thatsame month.
Okay, so when you're, you knowI'm going to live happily ever
after.
You have all these big plans.
But that's not how it turnedout.
Some of our happily ever afterhappened.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
So how did that like how?
I mean, that's a huge, that'strauma, that's a lot of trauma,
that's a lot of trauma,unexpected trauma too.
How did you shift your mindjust your mindset in that?
How did that work for you?
Speaker 2 (14:07):
your mind thinking, just your mindset in that.
How'd that work for you?
It truly was a mindset where Ihad to literally set my mind to
where I wanted to be, because wetalked about when we were kind
of planning this out, likewhatever happens to you or
whatever circumstance you mightfind yourself in, whether it
happens to you or you were apart of it, you can choose to be
(14:31):
the victim or you can choose tofind the victory.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
So I'm curious and this isn't in your notes, so
this may be oh, energy.
So when you say a victim, like,what is that Like when I say
don't be a victim, what doesthat mean to you Like?
What's your response to that?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
From my perspective, right the don't be a victim is
the poor, pitiful me.
Everybody feels sorry for me.
My husband passed away at anearly age and I'm young and I
have little kids.
Everybody needs to feel sorryfor me because I'm pitiful.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Okay, gotcha, all right.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
But that at the, at the core, even before that,
that's not who I am.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
But then I learned even more about who I am through
that, because I knew I didn'tknow right away, obviously, but
in the course of moving throughthat time of my life I was not
going to be the victim of oh,you're the widow, you're the
32-year-old widow, like, let'sall feel sorry for Jessica,
(15:41):
let's pet Jessica.
I mean, there was a time, aspan of time, where obviously I
needed that Right, because, likeI mentioned in the get-.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
There's got to be a portion of that.
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Like I mentioned in the get-go, when all of my
friends came together andsupported me and loved me so
hard, from showing up at my hometo help me do life to letting
me literally live in their homeLike there was a time in my life
.
I didn't want them to look atme and think, oh, she's poor and
pitiful, but they pulledtogether and literally banded
(16:11):
together to put me back together.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
So what switched for you then?
When did it switch from that toa different mindset?
Speaker 2 (16:19):
So, having grown up a Christian basically, I mean I
grew up in church I became aChristian when I was 12.
At some point in my, you know,being married and making a home
life, there was this rockdecoration thing and I have it.
(16:41):
I need to dig it out of some ofthese storage bins.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
You hold on to a lot of stuff.
I do.
I keep everything.
Yes, you do.
I need to dig it out of some ofthese storage bins.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
You hold on to a lot of stuff.
I do.
I keep everything.
Yes, you do.
I can't help it.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
You remember, when we were cleaning out my house, I
was living in how many boxes ofkid stuff.
Yes, Like if you teased mebecause you were like if Thomas
or Erin Grace made a single markon a piece of paper in Sunday
school, you kept it.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
Yes, it was a piece of paper, it was a notebook.
Piece of paper I did, I kepteverything.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
But I do still have this and I know I do because
it's so important, because thisis kind of like an anchor in
that point.
It was a rock and it wasengraved on the rock.
The verse from Romans is Romans8.28,.
But this is the Jessicaparaphrase situation of that God
wants good for those who lovehim.
(17:26):
I mean, he promised that.
So I held onto that.
Even in the early parts of mycounseling and therapy and
trying to put my feet undermyself.
I didn't see anything good.
I mean there just wasn't.
How can there be good in what Iwas going through?
Like my husband died, mylittles don't have a dad, like
(17:47):
there was no good to be found.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
But, like I said a second ago, like okay, well, I
had a really good bunch offriends, I had a great family
that literally, like I said,banded together to help kind of
hold me together and fill in thepieces where I was missing.
So when I started thinkingabout, and kind of that was the
verse that just was every singleday.
(18:10):
That's just kind of what Imeditated on.
Trying to look for the goodhelped me kind of fix my focus
more.
I mean, mind you, it took a fewyears of counseling to really
kind of get there.
But then, in the midst of allof that, my friend candace gave
me a book that's called 1000gifts and it's by ann voskamp
(18:35):
and I never heard of that author, never seen the book before,
but and I'm not even sure ifcandace even read it or somebody
recommended for her to give itto me, I don't even know, but I
remember that when I was readingthat book she started talking
about very simple things of liketake a look at how beautiful
(19:00):
that cloud is today in front ofyou in the sky, or the fact that
you can use your eyeballs tosee that cloud, or that tree
that's in your yard.
It's got leaves.
Think about how wonderful it isthat there's a god that makes
that happen, or that bird, likesuper, super simple things to be
(19:21):
grateful for, like I got towitness that, oh yeah.
And so, of course, it got deeperand there was a word that I
learned.
I'm pretty sure it's latin, Idon't know for sure because it's
a fancy word.
It's Eucharisto, and I know themeaning of that word is the act
of being grateful.
So it's not like oh yeah, I'mgrateful for that, thank you for
(19:43):
that.
Having happened, it's activelyevery step of my day thinking of
things that I can be gratefulfor.
It's actively pursuing that,not at the end of the day when I
lay down and I say my prayersfor another bed.
Thank you this, thank you that,thank you this.
It's every step of my day.
What can I be grateful for?
(20:03):
As I put one foot in front ofthe other.
That viewpoint changed my life.
Oh, wow, yeah, my whole life.
Wow, yeah, wow yeah.
It went from the where could Iwallow in the poor, pitiful me,
to then being able to say I'mgrateful for what I had.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
And that's not being disrespectful to TJ.
I'm sorry.
I'm getting emotional.
I'm not sorry.
That's not being disrespectfulfor what the marriage and the
relationship that I have with TJ.
We were kids when we gottogether and then we got to grow
up together and make a familytogether and for me to be able
(20:45):
to say I figured out how to begrateful after I lost him is by
no means disrespect.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
I think TJ would want you to be there.
I think, he would want you tobe.
I mean because I know my heart,like if something happened
between us.
I know my desire for you isthat you live life to the full,
like no matter what that lookslike, so that you enjoy all
aspects, not that you sit in aroom and mope so I know he's
(21:17):
thinking of that going.
No, that's not disrespectful atall.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
That's beautiful.
Bless his mom's heart.
Like TJ, lost his father at ayoung age, and so not quite as
young as Thomas and Erin Gracedid, but him having gone through
that, that was the actualconversation that we had.
Like if something happens to me, what do you hope that will
happen?
So I knew that he would notwant me to wallow in it and I
(21:46):
knew without a shadow of a doubthe'd want me to find happiness,
whatever that looks like.
So I had that tucked away in myheart too, but it changes your
mindset and it changes yourperspective when you actively
look for good.
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Now whether or not you've been through some
horrible trauma.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
Or it's your every single day life.
Yes, like even for you and me.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
Yeah, if you can actively, even for you and me
yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:18):
If you can actively look for the good thing.
And I'll say now, this is not apart that I'm particularly
proud of, because I got sassy,no surprise.
Yeah once I started walking downthat path of looking for things
(22:41):
to actively be grateful for inmy loss and my trauma and my
sorrow, when I would.
Social media, you know, is goodand bad, but when I would see
sometimes friends and sometimesnot people posting things and
saying things to me, or meoverhearing things of women
(23:02):
complaining about their husbands, little things like, oh, he
can't put his dirty clothes inthe hamper, or he just gets
toothpaste everywhere, or whycan he not this, why can he not
that?
Yeah, I got ugly a few times.
Did you post these uglycomments?
(23:27):
I did.
Oh go, girl, it's like, buthe's there to do it.
Why can you not be gratefulthat he's home today to throw
his dirty clothes on the floor?
Because he's hurrying to theshower to do this or that,
because you ask him to, or sure,there's toothpaste or beard
clippings or whatever everybodycomplains about?
I don't know, I'm not perfect,I don't know because I don't
(23:48):
complain about those things, butwhat people complain about?
Their husbands?
He's there to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Yeah, it really is interesting, because you don't
say those things Like.
That mindset followed you andyou still hold on to those
things Like, which is, I mean,thank goodness.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Thank God, we're here for you.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
Yeah, because it's like I know I'm not perfect and
I am not the easiest person inthe world to live with, but I
mean you make that really easythough, because you do have a
really cool perspective onrelationships and life.
And I mean everybody who meetsyou, no matter where we're at,
they're just like, theyimmediately love, love you and
(24:34):
they just are drawn to you.
And I think it's that positiveattitude, that energy that you
give off from that.
Speaker 2 (24:41):
I'm just grateful to have all the moments I get to
collect them.
I just kind of feel emotionalin the back of my throat.
But whether it's you or anybodyelse that's in my life that I
care about, whether it's you oranybody else that's in my life
that I care about, or if I don'tknow you, when I do get to know
you, those are little treasuresI get to collect, because if
(25:03):
you weren't here to have thatmoment I wouldn't get to collect
that.
I mean, it's treasures.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
That's such a cool lens to look through life at
Like, if you look at it that wayand I've said this in the past
but just even your mindset whenwe're traveling or going
somewhere, you're so flippingexcited and you're just over in
that.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Some people might say it's childish and it could be
annoying.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
It could be.
I mean, if you've been to athousand times to an airport,
you're like, oh my God, here wego again.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
And I've been to the airport maybe what?
Speaker 1 (25:41):
seven times yeah and you get all excited and you get
excited about walking Even onthe moving sidewalk.
You get pumped about that.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I do.
I don't have to move my feet,it's so cool, it's just those
things.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
grab other people around you Like your energy.
Well, I mean.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
I think you mentioned it before.
We went to Belize on ourhoneymoon.
It was the first time I'd everbeen out of the country.
I was jumping up and down toget my little stamp on my
passport and that dude was likeoh my God.
And you're like no, no, no, no,it's our first time.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
But then, once he changed his perspective on this
idiot 34-year-old jumping up anddown, he saw it and he started
grinning with me.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Yeah, so it's contagious, and that's the
beautiful part about this yourmindset, the way you see life,
the way you see your marriage iscontagious to everybody you
come in contact with.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
It changes everything .
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Yeah, your kids, your husband.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I don't have the perfect mindset and perspective
every day.
I don't I certainly don't, andI keep.
I've said it before.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
I don't say that like Lord.
No, you don't Lord.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
no, yeah, absolutely not You're the worst.
No, I feel like I most of thetime I'm that way, but I I feel
like I most of the time I'm thatway, but I'm not perfect, and
like we are not saying we'reperfect, oh Lord, but because of
our experiences that we've hadand what brought us to be
together we're really mindful of.
I mean, you can't have walkedin our perspective shoes Right
(27:15):
and not change the way you lookat things.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah, You've helped me because I'm like you're like,
oh, look, how pretty that is,and I'm like, yeah, that's
awesome, let's keep going.
Let's keep moving Slow down andso you have helped me to kind of
apply the brakes and just kindof slow down and you know,
figuratively speak, smell theroses you have to.
(27:37):
Yeah, it's just kind of enjoythe moment.
That's been a really hard thingfor me is that and I mean, some
of my kids called Cody, blesshis heart, called that to where
it's hard for him to enjoy themoment, like I've always said
hey, when I do this, when Iaccomplish this goal I reach,
I'm going to go celebrate.
But my internal, when I reachthat goal, I'm like, okay, now
(27:58):
what's next?
And you're like I thought wewere celebrating.
Speaker 2 (28:00):
But you won't pause to use your perspective to say
oh my, I just accomplished thisreally big thing.
Let's pause here.
Because for you pausing meansoh, no, no, no, no.
That means I'm not ready forthe next thing, but for me it's
pausing.
There is like no, you workedreally hard to get here.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Let's kind of marinate in this joy that we're
in before you're ready to moveto the next thing?
Yeah, because my mindset's alittle different.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
No, it's a lot different.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, my filters are a little different, or?
Speaker 2 (28:33):
even just where your background came from versus
where my background came from,even from where you grew up and
your previous marriageexperience.
Your filter, your perspectiveis very different than mine.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
Yeah, I had a couple of mine.
Just to tell you where I was at.
Like I will be really brief andreally quick.
Like I grew up in a very wasn'tdidn't like my dad much at all.
Dad was very, he was analcoholic, he was very abusive.
It wasn't a great situation.
I remember lots of times we'dgo pick my dad up, sometimes
from jail, and it was just aweird awkward situation and I
(29:10):
was always telling myself Idon't want to be like him.
I don't want to be like him.
I'm never going to be like mydad.
He's just a piece of crap.
I'm not going to do that.
And then I had this moment whereI'm sitting in a jail cell in a
holding tank and my mom's on myway to come pick me up because
I wasn't 21.
I was sitting there, I'd beendrinking and it was this weird
(29:34):
moment.
I was like I'm the guy that Inever wanted to be Like.
I'm sitting here going holy.
Now, did I like that?
First of all, that ride homewas horrible.
It was the longest ride.
My mom bless her heart.
I'm sorry for putting youthrough what I did, but it
wasn't like I got out and waslike ooh, converted, oh, I'm
different now.
It wasn't that at all.
(29:55):
It took a little time.
It was a process for me, and sothere were different stages
that made me kind of go, okay, Ican't do that, I need to do
something different.
I need something different.
When I was going through mydivorce, divorce had been done
and we're just waiting onpaperwork to be signed.
I've always had this thingwhere I try to do things that
(30:16):
are really difficult for me.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Well, before you go there, Okay.
This is what we were talkingabout earlier, because this was
kind of like a turning point foryou and I both, like I knew I
didn't want to be the quote,unquote the widow.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
And you knew you didn't want to be the divorced
dad.
Yeah, even though in realitythat's who we were.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
At that point, and so , once we both had gone through
all the things that led us tothat moment, yes.
Is where some things changed.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
Right For me.
It was like I am that guy.
I don't want anybody to feelsorry for me.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Right.
Speaker 1 (31:00):
I don't want anybody to go.
Oh, woe is you.
It doesn't matter how I gotthere, it doesn't matter whose
fault it was.
None of that really mattered.
It's like okay, so now I'm here.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So here's the moment where you are.
Yeah, what are you going to doabout it?
Speaker 1 (31:12):
And so I had some friends that were just like, hey
, we're going to go run a raceand I've always done this, I'm
going to do hard things thatjust push me and challenge me.
This has been something I'vedone over the years.
And so I was like, cool, I'llgo run.
Like sign me, I want to sign up.
Speaker 2 (31:31):
And so I signed up Run a what I was running a half
marathon.
Had you trained?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
No, no, ma'am, I didn't run one single mile.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
I mean, I know the answer to that, but our friends
don't.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
So I signed up for a half marathon in Savannah, never
trained one single bit, didn'tdo any.
And I, my only goal was there's.
It was called a van, like theycall it sweeper van.
I was like I'm not gettingpicked up by that sweeper van.
No, don't do that.
That's my only goal and I'mgoing to run the whole time.
That's it.
Didn't train at all so I waslike it's not that far, you know
(32:01):
, it's not that many miles, it'sonly half marathon.
Right, I was like anybody can dothat.
Yes, anybody could I run.
So if I'm quiet and he's like,okay, cool, I talked his ears
off.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
You don't like to talk when you run?
Speaker 1 (32:22):
No, and we're just running and all of a sudden we
passed the 10K mark.
I was like bro, I've never runa 10K before.
Speaker 2 (32:27):
Oh my God, and he's like well me either.
Speaker 1 (32:38):
And so we're just still running.
And then we stopped and he hadto use the bathroom and it was
an aid station and we gotseparated around mile 10.
And then after 10, I juststarted running by myself and
then I was just like, okay, I'mjust going to run.
And so I'm running and I hadsome weird experiences, like
some guy was like, hey, chugthis beer.
And I was like, okay, cool, soI did, did that, which is great
carbs when you're running.
Anyway, I had some goo, whichis crap, um.
(32:58):
But what was crazy for me is Iwas like I'm not gonna stop
running and this weird thinghappened to me about mile 12.
Like I hit mile 12 and I wasrunning and all I could think
about was all the pain, all thehurt, all the things I had been
in my life and I felt like I wasrunning from them and I got it
(33:19):
was so weird because I got soemotional that last mile and a
half was, yeah, I was literallyby myself, just bawling, running
and my legs were hurtingeverything and I was just booing
, sobbing, running and peoplewere looking.
I know people were looking atme like what is wrong with this
guy?
Do we need to help that guy.
Yeah, is that guy?
Okay?
Because I'm all by myself, noneof my friends are around
anywhere.
But I really believe that was amoment for me, because when I
(33:41):
ran across that finish line, Inever stopped running, and so I
finished it and I was justsobbing and I was just like I
can do more than I think I can.
I was like I can do way morethan I think I can, because I
never run a mile.
Now, needless to say, Icouldn't walk the next day.
That's beside the point.
Speaker 2 (33:58):
I was so sore.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
But that was one of those moments for me that I just
said okay, there's more for me.
I can do more and it changed mymindset for life as kind of a
dad with two kids going in.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
It was just like okay , but you changed your mindset
about yourself too.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
It was myself which helped me push through for my
kids.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
You did that for yourself.
Speaker 1 (34:24):
Yeah, because I was so afraid to be by myself.
That was another thing.
I was scared to be by myselfbecause I can't tell you how
many times I remember hidingfrom my dad under my bed in the
woods, and so I won't get intochildhood trauma, but I would
hide from those things just, andit felt so alone.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
Yeah, and then when you were alone, it's like your
mindset could take you backthere, or you could choose to do
what you did.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Yeah, the seven days my kids were gone and I was like
, well, I'm not going to sit inthat.
And that became actually astrength for me, right, and I
love solitude now, but anyway,so that really helped.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
It drives me nuts when you want to be by yourself
because I'm like what's wrong,what's wrong, what's wrong.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Yeah, and I just like it to be quiet so sometimes,
which is you know what's crazywith four kids in our house.
But that changed our mindsetfor how we approached life and
how we did things with ourfamilies and we always told our
kids we're not going to bevictims.
Baggage claim is not a place tocome and be a victim.
It's a place where you can comeand bring your hurt.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
Yes, and bring your trauma To.
Choose to not be a victimdoesn't mean you deny how you
got where you are.
Correct.
That's two very differentthings, right it's.
What do you do with it?
Do you choose to be the victimor do you choose to find the
victory that brought you towhere you're at?
Speaker 1 (35:44):
Yeah, and seek healing, seek growth.
Like how am I going to growfrom this?
How am I going to move forwardfrom this?
Yes, and just keep movingforward.
Yes, like my whole goal wasjust every day was get up and
take one step forward.
Get up and take one stepforward, that mentality we tried
to push into our kids.
Yeah, to be like don't be avictim.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, because all four of them had some crap dealt
to them Right Out of theirdoing.
Yeah, but like you said, it'syou got to put one foot in front
of the other to keep going.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
So how you see all those things, all those filters,
affect how you see life, howyou see family and how you see
your spouse.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
So when we try to unpack this for our friends,
let's unpack it, yeah.
So my first question would beto our friends who are listening
Is it hard for you to see thegood in your spouse or
significant other?
Speaker 1 (36:41):
Okay, here's a challenge.
Okay, From your question,here's a challenge.
Wherever you're at after I askthis hit, pause and do this
thing Like hit, pause and textyour significant other three
things you love about them.
And it can be like hey, here'sthree things that I love about
(37:01):
you.
Text those things, hit, send,don't say anything else, you
don't have to, and then go backand hit, play and listen to the
rest of it.
That's one place to start.
I still have a guy that I met ayear and a half ago who was
coming out, and he's in sobriety.
He's been clean Every singleday.
He sends me a gratitude list ofthings he's grateful for and it
(37:22):
enlightens my day.
It makes me so happy when I seeit.
It makes me think about whatI'm grateful for.
So do that as much as you canfor your significant other.
Speaker 2 (37:29):
Because it's all about your filters.
What are you looking for?
Yeah, if you're looking forpositive.
Speaker 1 (37:40):
You're going to find positive.
Speaker 2 (37:41):
Because if it is not easy for you to see the good in
your spouse, why, why, why?
Speaker 1 (37:43):
are you looking for?
Speaker 2 (37:43):
negative, Like why you chose to be together.
Speaker 1 (37:48):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Why is it hard for you to see the good stuff?
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Man, that's deep it is.
That's a deep, it's really deep.
I think, if I'm honest, I thinkit's because you don't like
yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Well, yeah, that's a whole other podcast.
Yeah, but in the same sense.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
You got to start somewhere.
Start liking yourself.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Are there things like little things in marriage or
relationships that can drive youbonkers?
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Yes, oh, 100%, of course there are yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
Like some friends of mine at school, we were just
talking this and that and justthrowing things around.
And they were talking abouttheir husbands and one mentioned
about snoring and it drives herbonkers.
And they were like I justdidn't say anything, I just was
grinning and giggling just goingalong.
They're like, does Greg snore?
I was like, yeah, but it's acute little snore.
(38:44):
That actually kind of makes mefeel happy.
It helps me sleep to hear hiscute little snore.
And they were like, oh my God,of course you're going to say
that, of course you're going tosay that Like well, yeah, when
he's got sinus stuff going on.
yeah, it's loud and I'm like goto the couch please.
Speaker 1 (39:00):
Yes, you do.
You have woke me up and be likeroll over or get out of the bed
, but it's not always sweet.
But that's rare it.
Speaker 2 (39:09):
Because in my heart and in my mind again, it's my
mindset.
I'm just grateful that you'rethere sleeping beside me, and if
you have a little snore soundthat adds to the white noise
sound that's in our room, I'mgrateful that you're there
(39:29):
sleeping beside me.
Yeah, could I be annoyed by it?
Well, I certainly could.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Yeah, but I be annoyed by it.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Well, I certainly could, yeah, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
I mean, yeah, same it's all about.
I don't care what relationshipyou're in.
If you've been in it for sixmonths, you don't see that yet,
because you think everythingthey do is beautiful, Everything
is wonderful, Like they're soamazing and a year from there
it's changing Things.
Speaker 2 (39:49):
It's changing.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
Things get different, but it really is true.
Like you get to change yourperspective or mindset, you're
filtered on how you see them,like the fact that Amazon
dropped off one of thosewaterproof zip bags on our front
porch so he could put his stuffin it.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
There's a basket on our front porch for them, but
the waterproof situation, thatwas Christmastime.
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Oh yeah, that makes it so much easier.
Speaker 2 (40:17):
I'm on a first name basis with these.
They come three to four times aday.
Do you remember a couplechristmases ago that they
dropped us our own amazonliterally amazon box, in our
driveway?
It was a giant like yeah,weather handles yeah it was
massive.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
That was embarrassing it was embarrassing but I could
have gotten frustrated about it.
But it it's like, okay, we'renot going to do this.
No, because I mean there's somany things and we can talk
about them.
The things that couples fightabout is usually money, sex and
kids.
Yeah, so it's just like thoseare the things and we'll get
into those later.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
But the thing I want to challenge you guys with when
unpacking this is think aboutare you looking for the positive
in your family Because yourkids are going to screw up?
They are your wife, yourhusband, everybody screws up, we
all do.
And so it's like how am I goingto look at that?
What is that going to be?
Speaker 2 (41:06):
Because is it easier to look for negative?
Absolutely.
We're human.
That's how we're programmed.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
But if you look for the positive, if you try some of
the things that we've talkedabout, if you just look for it,
it becomes not even secondnature, Like that's just for me
personally, finding the positivein stuff is just how I operate.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
I'll tell you what something else we'll do too, how
I operate.
I'll tell you what somethingelse we'll do too For the first
five people.
If you will comment or just DMus about the books, just say I'd
love to have the book.
I'll send you the book for free.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
I'll mail it to you Because you will find what you
look for Yep Period, okay Inlife, or one another, you'll
find what you're looking for.
If you're looking for positive,you're going to find it.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
Yeah, so that's our unpack.
So it's my turn.
For the Year of Us book.
I get to ask a question.
I don't know if my productionteam is like, shut up, it's time
to go home.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Yeah, but okay, we're still good.
I'm scared, I'm scared, I don'tknow what you're going to ask.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
It's not bad, okay.
Okay, here we go.
Speaker 2 (42:17):
My glasses are on the table.
I got my glasses on.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
If I got to double up , I got issues.
What do you think would be thehardest part for you about going
on a three-day no technology,silent retreat together?
What do you think would be thehardest part for you about going
on a three-day no Instagram, noTikTok, no Facebook silent
(42:46):
retreat together?
Speaker 2 (42:48):
I would assume that it also means no texting.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
No technology.
Text kind of is technology.
Speaker 2 (43:00):
Well, because I'm a JJ, it means not seeing Lucy,
that's just three days.
That's a very long time.
Speaker 1 (43:09):
The longest we've gone without being near and
seeing.
This is about us and ourgrandkid.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
You ask me the question, I'm giving my answer.
Okay, thank you.
Without seeing Lulu a pictureof her for that many days, that
would be the hardest part.
Speaker 1 (43:21):
I think the non-technology part for me, I
would flipping love that.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
You would.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
Yeah, I would burn my phone tomorrow if I could.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
How would you ever live?
Speaker 1 (43:32):
The silent part was what would kill me, because I
would want to talk.
Like I would literally have toput tape over my mouth.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
You would, because if I didn't have technology, you
know what I'd have in my hands?
Speaker 1 (43:42):
A book, a book, and I'd be like here's your mouth.
Yeah, you don't need a book andI would want to talk about the
book that I was reading with youand with you, and you would be
like, just shut up.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
Shut your mouth.
I'm reading my book.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
Yeah, so all right.
Well, there's our question.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
It's my grandma answer.
Speaker 1 (43:59):
I'm so glad you would just be like I would tune you
out and read a book and missLucy.
Speaker 2 (44:04):
You asked me.
Speaker 1 (44:05):
I did ask you.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
But then you just said this.
You didn't say about Lucy, butyou were like I just want to
read and then tell you aboutwhat I'm reading.
Speaker 1 (44:11):
I just want to talk to you.
So anyway, before we get into afight here at the end of our—
oh my gosh.
Thank you, guys again.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Change your perspective, Greg?
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
So thank you guys so much for joining in wherever
you're at, and hopefully wedidn't butcher that name in Ohio
, please.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
If we did, I'm sorry, I used my first grade phonics
and I sounded it out.
Speaker 1 (44:32):
But you guys, thank you so much for joining in.
I hope you like share.
Subscribe to the podcast.
Share it with everybody thatyou can.
Speaker 2 (44:40):
We're excited, you're here with us.
Speaker 1 (44:41):
Yeah, so it's been fun and we'll catch you next
time.
Bye.
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