April 9, 2025 • 43 mins
We're all guilty of seeking that elusive "silver bullet" – the one magical secret that transforms an ordinary marriage into an extraordinary one. But what if the answer isn't found in grand gestures or revolutionary techniques, but rather in simple, consistent choices made day after day?
In this deeply personal episode, Greg and Jess pull back the curtain on their 13-year relationship to share four foundational principles that have sustained them through blended family challenges, busy schedules, and life's inevitable ups and downs. Their candid conversation reveals how intentionally having fun together, embracing selflessness, letting go of minor irritations, and prioritizing communication creates the bedrock of lasting love.
Jess shares a particularly powerful perspective on "not sweating the small stuff" that stems from her experience of losing her first husband – a reminder that the very things we complain about (laundry left unfolded, items on countertops) are actually privileges of having someone in our lives. Meanwhile, Greg opens up about his journey from being communication-avoidant to recognizing how essential honest dialogue is to relationship health.
What makes this episode especially valuable is its practicality. Rather than offering vague platitudes, Greg and Jess provide specific, actionable challenges you can implement immediately: a five-minute question exercise to improve communication, ways to redefine "fun" that fit your current life stage, and the transformative practice of serving your partner with zero expectation of return.
Whether you're in the honeymoon phase, navigating the roommate years, or rebuilding after a rough patch, these time-tested principles offer a roadmap for creating a relationship that doesn't just survive but genuinely thrives. Ready to move beyond searching for silver bullets and start building something that lasts? This conversation is your starting point.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up?
Baggage Claim how you guysdoing this week.
Thank you so much for joiningus back to listen in on our fun
escapades as we dive into somenew stuff today.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab that favorite
drink.
Cozy up to that proverbialtable Maybe it is a real table,
(00:38):
whatever it may be grab yourfavorite drink and just kind of
settle in.
We're going to do a little bitof a different podcast format
tonight, which is going to bekind of fun, and we're going
live on Facebook.
So maybe we have no one join,maybe we do.
Who knows Wish we were to try.
Yeah, and so I just want tostart again.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Also sorry we're a week behind releasing.
I was really sick last week Icould not record.
But thank you for joining thisweek too, because it's spring
break for Jess.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, we usually release on Tuesday mornings but
we're running a little behind.
We'll go out tonight, so you'llhave it first thing Wednesday
morning.
So if you want to download, Imean, if you're listening to
this it's kind of pointlessbecause nobody's really watching
it, but if you're listening,hey, thanks for listening.
Just so you know, our audienceis growing, which is crazy.
(01:28):
Every week we get new CDs, newdownloads, new people from all
over, which I just love seeingand it's fun.
Thank you for liking, thank youfor downloading, thank you for
listening to us.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Thank you for telling your friends about us.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yeah and absolutely we're having a blast and having
fun.
And just before we get into itand Jess will kill me for doing
this we are working on somecontent for you guys.
Right now it's like aneight-week kind of in-home study
for your family on helpingdevelop culture for your family.
(02:00):
So it's kind of like what wewalked through in the last
podcast.
If you haven't heard that,check it out.
It's episode eight.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, and I didn't want you to talk about it yet,
because we're still working onit.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yeah, well, that means we have to work on it
faster if we say it out loud.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
That's why I didn't want you to say it out loud.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
It's called accountability, so now we have
to actually finish it.
We have an outline started sowe're trying to put that out
there so you guys will havesomething to download, actually
do with your families whereyou're at walk through, and so
that's kind of exciting, it'sout there.
But anyway, today we're talkingabout you know, we all want
that silver bullet.
Like we're going anytime youtalk about marriage, you talk
(02:36):
about business or anything elsethat's successful, you listen to
podcasts or like you know whatdo all the successful people do?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
What are successful marriages?
Tell me the one thing I need todo to make it work.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Yeah, it's like what is that one thing?
Well, I mean, if we knew whatthat was, we would be filthy
rich and there'd probably belike 5,000 of y'all on our live
stream right now.
But right now there's maybe oneof you and thanks for watching,
but there's not really a singlesilver bullet.
There's not really a singlesilver bullet.
I decided to, we came up withand I asked Jess this question
(03:12):
and it was a deer in the headlike but I'm like, okay,
marriage is fun when it startsand it's great and you have this
lovey-dovey feeling, everythingis perfect.
But then just life happens andyou start.
I mean just everything, thebills, the schedules, everything
comes together and it just getscrazy.
So I asked Jess, I was liketell me two things that you
(03:34):
think make your marriage really,really successful, or you think
that you make your marriagework really well.
And then she asked me thosesame two things too.
Yeah, and so trying to figureout what those two are, yeah,
and so we're going to dig intothat tonight and we're just
going to talk about what Jess'stwo are, my two are.
(03:55):
So I'm going to ask you, justplease bear with us, because
we're going to jump on ourproverbial soapbox.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And just kind of talk for a little bit.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It's going to be a little bit different because
usually we'll share what we wantto share and at the end we'll
unpack that baggage together andsort of you know, give you a
challenge or you knowsuggestions to work on, but this
week we're going to kind oftalk and unpack as we go.
Yeah, we'll do something at theend so that you guys have
(04:23):
something to go off of, but it'sjust going to be a little bit
different this week.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And we are working on having some guests show up in
the next few weeks, so thatcould be fun If we can bribe
anybody or pay them to come onhere or whatever to share with
us.
So cool, let's get started.
Let's jump right in.
So, jess, tell me what your twoare and we're going to take
turns.
So, jess, tell me what your twoare and we're going to take
turns.
You'll do one then.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
I'll do one.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Okay, we'll go back and forth.
So tell me what your two itemsare.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Tell me what your two things, tell them to you.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Concepts.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Both at one time, or you want to do one at a time.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
I don't know, you can surprise me.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Okay, so one of them is to have fun together.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
All right.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I know it sounds basic.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Yeah, but I mean there's a lot of truth in
simplicity.
So when you say have funtogether, help me unpack that a
little bit.
What does that mean for you?
Define that.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
You need to be friends with your significant
other, I mean, if you don't likethem.
As a person, enjoy doing thingstogether.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
So the whole chicken and egg thing, like what came
first, the chicken or the egg?
So what comes first?
Is it the friendship or the fun?
Or the fun?
Like do you have fun withsomebody and be like, oh wait a
minute, we're friends, or is ityou're friends with somebody and
you're like, oh, this isactually fun?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I think it's according to how you start out,
like some folks were friends inthe beginning and then realized
oh, I have feelings for thatperson.
Maybe I want more than friends.
Other people, like you and I,had never even knew each other
existed, so we didn't knowanything about each other.
So as we were getting to knoweach other and just becoming
(06:08):
friends, it allowed me to knowmore about you and how we could
have fun together getting toknow each other.
But I don't feel like thatshould stop the longer you're
married.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
I agree, but why do you think it does stop, though,
Like?
Do you have an idea or athought?
Why like?
Because it's, I mean,friendship should be easy.
I know it's work, it should be,it's like in your relationship,
yeah, but also as an adult.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Having, you know, actual friendships in the world
is hard anyway.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
It actually is.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
But just like friends that are not your spouse, you
have to be intentional to seethose folks.
You have to, you know, checkyour calendar, see whenever we
can get together and hang out oryou know those type things.
But we should do the same thingwith each other.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
You know it's crazy to be intentional.
Yeah, you said you had to beintentional with those that
aren't your spouse, but it's thesame thing.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Even people.
I mean the person you'remarried to Even more, so yeah
because it's just easy just toget into the roommate phase and
we've been in the roommate phasea few times to be like you're
just nose down doing stuff andthere is no fun.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Right, there's a bunch of kids, or you know
finances are tight, or it's justyou know you're working on a
project where you're not home asmuch, or something like that.
But if you're not intentional,it's not going to happen and
your definition of fun canchange over the years, like when
we first got together.
One of our first dates is youtook me indoor rock climbing.
Had I ever done that in my life?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
No, Did you think it was fun?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
It was fun, okay, and I made you go watch me paint.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, it was the.
I remember it was a sip andpaint and I was like, what does
that mean?
And he was like, oh, they drinkwine and they drink when we
paint.
And I was like, oh well, I cando the sip part.
I don't know about the paintpart.
So I remember it's so funnybecause we went with, I think,
damon and Tracy.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
We did.
But I had been going for monthsand months before that and I
was friends with the owner.
So she was like, oh, youbrought a dude with you, okay.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So I rolled in this cooler a rolling cooler.
That's how classy I am.
Yes, it's a rolling cooler intothis.
And I sat on the cooler yeahRight behind me and every time I
would open the lid he'd go meowand everybody would look at me
and I'd be like anybody want adrink and everybody was looking
at me like it was every singletime.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It was so classy, yeah, I couldn't sneak around.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
No, but that was, I knew how many drinks I had by
the end of the painting.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
And that was part of us getting to know each other
and becoming friends then.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, yeah, it was just.
I think it was making theallowances for hey, what is it
you like to do?
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I'll go try that out.
What do you like to do?
I'll go try that out.
But now we've been together 13years and our definition of fun
has changed.
You know, used to it was, youknow, date nights or whatever.
I mean, we still do that, buton a regular basis.
You know, although all but oneof our children have left the
nest, it looks different nowbecause most evenings we've got,
you know, our grandbaby and hermommy and daddy over here.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Or even sometimes we may drive to like we go to, or
we have this thing on Fridayafternoons.
We go to Mellow.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Mushroom, mellow Mushroom, mellow Mushroom.
Sorry, yay, mellow Mushroom.
So we go to.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Mellow Mushroom right here by our house.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
And we think we're sneaking away.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah, so we have.
And then all of a sudden theyshow up, or other people show up
, and it was like, yeah, we knewy'all would be here.
And then our table winds uphaving five or six people at it,
which is not bad, it's fun.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
No, it is fun.
But your definition of fun canchange, but it's important to it
.
The whole idea is just to enjoyyour time together.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Whether you're covered up with kids or you know
they still crash your dates oryou know whatever, what have you
?
Or going to walk at the parkcould be a definition of fun,
and it is for us a lot of times.
But it's just important, thewhole idea of like I know it
sounds like very simple of justhave fun together, but it's
mostly about being intentional,to enjoy your time together as a
(10:08):
couple.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Okay.
So I have maybe a challengingquestion in that.
Okay, say you're together,you're in the middle of marriage
, things are tough, it's justhard.
And you're like, okay, I hearyou, jess, but I can't see the
fun.
I just can't even see the lightat the end of the tunnel right
now, when you say you shouldhave fun together.
(10:30):
What is that Like?
How do I start that?
Like, how do I even just Idon't know, I'm not jumping to
the end for the unpacked part,but for you to go, if I'm in
this and it's kind of toughright now, what's an initial
kind of how do I start this?
How do I just do that?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
You got to talk about where you're at and be honest
and talk about what would makeyour heart feel lighter, what
would feel fun for you, whatwould make you feel connected to
me?
Is it just literally sitting inthe porch swing and listening
to music and being quiettogether?
Okay, it's just a connection.
It doesn't have to be a bigdeal, it doesn't have to be
(11:11):
extravagant, just a way to beconnected.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Gotcha Okay, so just make a step, basically.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Anything.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Okay, so what's the most fun thing you love to do
right now?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Right now.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Like if I said hey, I have a fun weekend planned for
us.
What are your hopes in that funweekend?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Hopefully throw the top back on the Jeep and go
riding in the mountains.
That's always fun.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Yeah, well, there's always.
This is not riding in themountains, this is riding in the
mountains too.
A winery somewhere.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
A winery somewhere.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
That hopefully has live music.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, live music.
So those are Jess's twofavorite things, and a pretty
view, yeah, and outside.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So I know, if we're outside listening to live music
and there's wine nearby, you'rea happy girl.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
I am.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
So and.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Or go find a random creek somewhere and have a
picnic and turn music on yourphone yeah, that's true.
So I mean it doesn't have to beexpensive, Right, or a big deal
.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah, we're definitely proponents of that.
We've lived on a.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Shoestring budget.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
at times I don't even know if you'd call it a
shoestring.
It may be a flip-flop budget.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Or a toothpick.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Yeah, it's a psych-walk budget here.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
It's to do, but we managed to have fun no matter
what.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
This is a fun kind of this just kind of makes me
laugh.
I look back at it now.
One of our fun dates used to bewe would go get a box of tacos.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I think we talked about this one time From Taco
Bell, yeah, and just watch a funmovie.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Well, just what two weeks ago, last week?
No, it was like two weeks ago,yeah, so we're out and I was
like, dude, let's go get a boxof tacos at Taco Bell and just
go home and veg out and watchcomedy shows or something You're
like yes.
We go to Taco Bell and thelady's like, yeah, we don't do
that anymore.
And I was so heartbroken I justdrove off.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You did.
You drove off out of thedrive-thru.
Yeah, I just left.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And there was a woman behind us.
She was like y'all okay?
Yeah, I was just upset, I washeartbroken.
You were like they don't doboxed tacos anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I did yell at that oh my gosh, we need to get out of
this place.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
I was upset.
I wanted to relive that moment.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
She ruined your fun.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
She did.
She did ruin my fun.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
All we were trying to do was eat tacos and laugh.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah at it, all right .
My first one was have funtogether.
What's one of yours?
Mine is uh god, this is a bigone for me.
There's I have two and they runneck and neck, so it's kind of
I would say um, it's not aboutyou, don't be selfish.
Don't be selfish if If you'reselfish, then you're just going
to lose.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Okay.
What does that mean to you inreal life?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Okay, so when we you want a short answer, I'll give
you the answer.
I have my heart when we gottogether.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Preferably the answer you have in your heart.
Okay, I'll go with that one,preferably.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
So it was when we got together.
It was okay.
I want to love you, I want torespect you, I want to honor you
.
I have Callie and Cody, whowent through the drama of
divorce, who were with us sevendays and without us seven days.
So I need to figure out how tocommunicate with them, stay
connected to them the seven daysthey're not with us, and then
(14:22):
the seven days they are with usthat they integrate into our
family in a way.
You have aaron grayson, thomas,who lost their dad, uh, two plus
years ago.
How do I try to help fill thatgap?
Not fill that gap?
Uh, be there for them when theyneed me, when.
Don't overpress that.
At the same time, stay incommunication with my ex over
(14:43):
medical issues, school issues,sports issues, while at the same
time making sure that you'renot mad because I'm having to
call text.
Be in touch with my ex that youknow, like you feel secure in
that our relationship, thatyou're not in that one.
So it's like I'm trying tojuggle all those things on top
(15:04):
of have a job.
Manage that job, manage just ourfamily and just trying to make
sure that we're doing the thingsthat I feel like we ought to be
doing, and loving each otherand caring for each other.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Well, you did a good job at all of that.
Oh well, thank you, you stilldo.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
So all that, when I say, man, if I always wanted my
way, then I was always going tolose, Like there wasn't a moment
just to go.
I just want what I want.
Now, there was those moments.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
Usually I put my headphones on and go walk around
the neighborhood and just be.
You know I want this, but it'susually over some stupid selfish
thing, you know, and it's just.
That's a.
I mean.
I know that sounds a lot ofpeople are going to listen to
this and go.
Well, that sounds incrediblysad and unfulfilling.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Right, I can see that .
Speaker 1 (15:58):
My joy was not in just saying, hey, I want
everything I want, because, atthe same time, what I wanted was
our family to be happy.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
I wanted us to live life to the full.
Like that's what I wanted.
In order to do that, there wasa lot of things I had to juggle
and make sure happened at thesame time.
So, that's kind of when I saythat that's where that comes
from.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, one way you live that out, though, on a
daily basis now is all my schoolmornings.
You get up early, even thoughyou don't have to, and you make
my coffee, fix my water, makesure I've got everything packed
up and help me get everything tothe car so I can get to work
early like I like to, and youdon't have to do that.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, I don't.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I enjoy it, though, Like I enjoy getting to see you,
not every morning, noteverybody would.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Okay, yeah, not every morning, though there's some
mornings where I'm— it's rarewhere you don't.
Yeah, okay, it's rare, yeah,but that's something I enjoy
doing with you and for you.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Right, but then after I leave that's when you get
some time in the morning to kindof get yourself ready for the
day you get your coffee andBaxter snuggles up in your lap
and Bailey under your feet andyou know you kind of recharge
yourself a little bit.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I do, I usually.
It's usually when I watch thelatest YouTube golf thing that I
watch, or I'll catch up on apodcast that I've been wanting
to watch or see, and I do watchthose before I jump into
something.
I've been debating on whetherto start exercising.
Start my exercise directly assoon as you leave.
It just doesn't sound fun atall to me.
But I'm trying to find thosethings too that help not only
(17:41):
recharge me but make me better.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Because if you just give and give, and give and give
and give, with nothing to givefrom, then it's not going to
come from joy.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Well, it's a gas tank .
I mean, this is basically yourgauge, your gas gauge, like car
runs on gas, it runs out.
You got to refill it.
So the idea behind that is,people may look at it and go
well, dude, if your life is allabout giving to someone else,
serving someone else, what doyou do for you?
I find things that I enjoydoing, that really fulfill me,
(18:09):
that I recharge from, and youmay hear those and go well, that
doesn't do me.
That's why I'm saying find whatrecharges you, because you have
to fill your gas tank back upbecause it's going to get
drained again and your kids,whether you want it or not, and
your significant other are goingto need things from you, yes,
and so they're going to take notall the time, but they will
(18:31):
take and so you just need torecharge.
My recharging is I mean, I getto go play golf a good bit with
friends, which is incredibly fun.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Go on, guys, trips I do.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I've went on some guys trips to Austin, to
Tennessee, to Nashville, to NewOrleans, going on a golf trip
this year which I'm reallyexcited about, with some buddies
, and my recharge is when I getto go to the gym in the
afternoon.
Yeah, and so you do that.
Recharging for me, though, canbe as simple as grabbing coffee
with a good friend of mine andjust saying, like, being in that
(19:04):
coffee, just having greatconversation, gets me pumped up
and I get excited about it.
So I mean, it's like it doesn'thave to be.
I got to go on a trip, I got togo do this.
It could be.
Being around people rechargesme.
This is just how I'm wired, sothat's my thing, and that goes
right back to if you want to bea great husband, if you want to
(19:26):
have great relationships, be thehealthiest version of yourself.
Know what recharges you, andthen find ways to pull yourself
out and serve those that arearound you.
Serve your kids, serve yourwife, Serve them.
Sometimes it's not fun,sometimes they're thankful,
sometimes they're not, butthat's not.
(19:47):
You're not doing it to get apat on the back.
You're just, you're servingthem.
Serve, and don't make it aboutyou and watch what happens.
It's kind of fun it's kind ofcrazy.
So all right, how about yournext one?
Speaker 2 (19:59):
your next one was uh, don't sweat the small stuff
don't sweat the small stuff.
I know there's a phrase that'sused like over and over and,
over and over again.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
So cliche, but for me what's small stuff, because I
don't want to sweat it.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Okay.
Well, an example I could use inour everyday life is when
you're working on a jobsometimes and you come in and
you kind of unload your pocketson the island in the kitchen and
your tools and stuff kind ofhang out there for a day or two
and I could let that drive menuts, but I don't.
(20:36):
Or when I'm doing laundry andagain like if you've been on a
job and there's 45 screws therein the washer just so you guys
know, I do golf tees, or I dosome handyman stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
From time to time I do real estate the area, but I
also do some handyman stuff andwork on some remodeled things
here and there.
So that's where the screws andthe things in my pockets come
from.
I don't just put random thingsin my pocket and walk around.
So if I'm on a job and I haveshorts and I'll put screws or
things and I try to unload those, but it just doesn't happen.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
The other night, whenever we were cleaning up and
turning TV off and stuff to goto bed, you brought back like
four pairs of shoes that wereall over the living room.
Yes, and you were likeapparently all of my shoes were
in here.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, I had flip-flops and shoes and stuff.
I don't know why I just hadshoes randomly throughout the
house.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I had seen the shoes, but also I didn't care.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Well, I didn't realize until I needed a pair of
shoes and I went in the closetI was like none of my shoes are
in here.
Where's my flip flops, yeah?
So my stuff was stored all overthe house and it is interesting
that you don't do that.
There's a lot of people whothat would irritate the crap out
of them yeah.
And just frustrate them.
So thank you first off.
(21:49):
How did you get there and howdo you stay there?
Why are you?
Speaker 2 (21:55):
the way you are.
Yeah, why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Because I always want to say thank you and I think
there's a lot of guys, but Ilove to put my crap on the
island and I get cussed out.
No, Just my stuff, though,doesn't stay.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
No, it is not that bad.
Please do, because it's notthat bad.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
It doesn't stay there long.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
No, maybe two or three days Maybe.
Again, I don't care.
So that's why I'm like I don'tknow.
Why am I the way I am?
Well, I've always been anoptimistic kind of person.
For the most part, I try tofind the good.
I'm a silver lining kind ofgirl.
Yeah, just in general as aperson.
But for those of you that knowus personally or that you've
(22:40):
listened, my experience in myfirst marriage losing my husband
within this few months afterand I know I've mentioned this
before, when I would hear wivescomplain about their husband,
like you know, when he put hisdirty clothes in the laundry or
he leaves water bottles allaround the house and this, that
and the other, I'm like but he'sthere, he's there to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Because I've lived the alternate of that of there
is no one, not a husband, thereto leave a mess, right.
There is not a husband to pickup after, and so having that
ripped away and being sothankful that I have you, I'm
like that little stuff does notbother me at all.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
That's interesting.
Yeah, question, I haven't.
I probably never asked you this.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Oh boy.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Did TJ like?
Did he put his stuff away?
No, no, he wasn't.
Did you get frustrated with him?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
then he was a very messy man Most of us are.
Yeah, most of you are, but itdidn't really bother me then
either, though, honestly.
But then when you're used tothat and then it's just gone, it
reminds you of.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
You kind of miss the mess.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Yeah, you miss the mess a little bit, and so it's
just kind of like you know thatreally, you know, I'd like to
stumble upon an empty waterbottle somewhere.
You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
So the question for me is, because you and I have
had this discussion too Like wefeel like we are very
intentional with our time withour kids and we tried to slow
down.
But even looking back, I go,man, I wish we would have slowed
down a little more.
Um, cause now they're, they'reout.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Um, I'm so excited cause we're going to see uh Cali
girl in a couple of weeks downin Pensacola.
I'm so excited to go see her.
Anytime we get to go spend time, we spend time with our kids
and just get excited.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
That's our nickname for Callie Callie girl.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
We are in that and we look back at it.
There's always that hindsight,it's always 20-20.
How do you have that withoutlosing a spouse?
To hear you say like that's a Imean, because a lot of people,
most people listening, are like,hey, my marriage is.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
maybe it's tough, maybe it's good.
There's not a lot of peoplethat walk my path at the age I
walked it Right.
It was a hard path.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Yeah, and so again, I don't think you give yourself
enough credit for how muchyou've healed and how much
you've grown, and how you loveand how you do those things is a
huge, huge, huge part, and Ithink it just speaks volumes to
who you are, but also to how doyou get there, how do you make
(25:25):
that happen?
Speaker 2 (25:28):
For me, it's just a way of thinking.
For me, it's just a way ofthinking, and okay, and
transparency, are there things?
If I let them drive me nutsabout you?
Yeah, I'm sure I could.
We were talking earlier.
I was like there's a couple ofprojects around the house that I
would like to have finished,but are they annoying enough for
(25:50):
me to nag you about it?
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah, because, ultimately, if we sit down and
talk about them, they annoyingenough for me to nag you about
it.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, because ultimately, if wesit down, and talk about them
they're annoying to me too, I'msure, Like it's just like oh God
.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
On the flip side, it's probably as annoying as
I'll get out to you that I don'tfold clothes as often as I
probably should.
It's not probably, it isannoying to you.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
But you're not ugly to me about it ever, you know.
Yeah, laundry is a hard thingfor us, yes.
It gets to the point where weliterally this is the way we've
tried to overcome that it getsso bad.
We're like I don't haveanything to wear in the mornings
and I'm searching throughlaundry baskets.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It's just not where it belongs.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
So we will literally dump it all on the bed.
We'll turn some music on the TV, sometimes grab a drink,
sometimes not.
It really depends.
Most of the time we don't.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
And we're just like head down, we're trying to get
it done and just like, let'sjust finish this.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
So we sort you have a side, I have a side, we sort it
out.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
We hang up our stuff, put it away.
I put mine away.
It literally doesn't take us 20minutes.
In the summer, when I'm home,laundry's not an issue because
I'm home, I do it and I put allof ours away.
But it's just so busy and timeis such a rare resource.
I guess you can say that Idon't want to be in our bedroom
folding clothes.
I want to be out in the house,in the main area of the house,
where everybody else is or whereyou are.
(27:13):
I don't want to be back thereputting up laundry.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, well, your day's so short.
Yeah, and that's when we say,hey, look, we live in the same
world.
You guys do Like it's crazy inour house.
Yeah, like Jess.
During school she gets homeliterally maybe at 3.40, 3.45.
Sometimes she changes clothes,she's at the gym by 4 30.
She comes home at 5 20.
Uh, we maybe have 35, 40minutes.
Then we're cooking dinner.
Yeah, cook dinner.
(27:36):
Then it's like cleaning up andthen jess goes to bed at eight
o'clock.
I always rag her, sometimes at7 30, so we're no more eating
and she's trying to go to bedare hard.
Okay, firsties are hard work sojess was to go to bed because
she's getting up at five o'clock, which I get, and so it's like
we get when we say, when we'resaying all this stuff, we're not
just spouting off a bunch ofcrap.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
No, it's stuff we actually do and try to do and be
mindful of.
Yeah, so trust me, I understandthat time is valuable, so
that's why, again, it's soimportant to not sweat the small
stuff, because if you you do,the small stuff becomes all you
see, and you can't see any good.
All you see is the stuff thatdrives you nuts so you kind of
(28:18):
see what you want to see yeah,kind of like what we talked
about mindset, not too long ago.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah, it's true.
It's true in that past episode.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Gotcha all right all right, so your second one was
the old, dreaded C word.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah, that we all say and we all throw around, and a
lot, most of us suck at itCommunication, yep.
So communication is my, that'smy soapbox.
I'll jump on that thing fasterthan anything, and sometimes I
know you're annoyed by it, butalso too, it's—.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Not annoyed.
Challenged is a better word.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Okay, maybe challenged.
Yeah, that's probably right.
But I've seen so manyrelationships, like professional
relationships, personalrelationships fall apart because
of lack of communication.
I mean, in all honesty, mostrelationships end because of
poor communication.
Yeah, even in the fact I knowI've said before most end with
(29:18):
bad communication and unmetexpectations.
That unmet expectation is dueto communication.
Yeah because you didn'tcommunicate about it.
And so it all goes back to thissimple word of communicate, back
to this simple word ofcommunicate.
But it's so simple and socomplex all at the same time
that sometimes we just getticked.
(29:39):
If it was like you know what,I'm just not going to do it.
The mountain seems too big toclimb, I'm just not going to do
it.
And so we don't, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
So when we decided we were going to have a
relationship after we becamefriends, it pretty quickly
escalated to hey, I want toactually date you.
How frustrating was it to learnthat I was a terrible
communicator at that point.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Well, I don't think I'm a phenomenal communicator.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Well, you're way better than me.
So I think I was and you've hadportions of your career that
depended on that.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Yeah, where I had to do that.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
I think the most frustrating part wasn't that you
sucked at it.
I think I wanted to understandand know how you were feeling
and where you were coming from,and you just did not have words.
No and you would not use yourwords and you would just be like
I don't know and I'm like, well, what does that mean?
I don't know what that meansand I was like, well, what does
(30:40):
that mean?
Well, you just get frustratedand we'd be stuck in this, we're
just spinning our tires.
And I was like, okay, we're notgoing anywhere, we've got going
anywhere.
We got to figure out adifferent way to do this.
So it's like we got to ask somebetter questions and figure out
what those questions are to getyou to thinking differently
about your thoughts and yourfeelings Well, I perceived it as
negative interesting you'requestioning me and my thoughts,
(31:05):
it felt negative and then on myside, I was afraid I might say
something that would be hurtfulunintentionally or it would be,
it would just.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
It just all felt like the potential was just
negativity, rather than justliterally tell me what you're
feeling I mean now I know thatbut that.
But that's not how I'vefunctioned before.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's interesting that it came from a negative
point.
Like you, saw things as measking questions as I was
attacking you.
Yeah, interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
I've never had anybody in my whole life that
did that, so it was like why areyou asking me so many questions
Like what I'm?
Telling you what I think, I'mtelling you what I want to tell
you.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
So it literally felt, it felt really negative in the
beginning.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
And sometimes.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I still fall into that.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
I think, yeah, and I think, but also too, I, I think,
sometimes I get, I like to saypassionate.
You say uh, use a differentword, uh, then I'll say, when I
become very passionate, yeah,you say I'm a dramatic.
I say it's passionate, uh, it'sneither here nor there, it's
it's here, over here withdramatic.
It's neither here nor there, uh, but the reality is is like it.
(32:23):
It's my tone, in the way I ask.
It's not just about asking thequestion.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Oh my gosh, your tone sometimes is like shutdown city
for me.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
It's in the way that.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I ask it.
It's the way you ask it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah.
So, guys, it's not about justsee.
I can text my friend Michael,who's our producer here, who's
behind the computer andheadphones on.
I can text him a question andjust simply be like so what did
you think about this?
And without the context of that, he'd be like what does that
(32:56):
mean?
What are you talking about?
But then if I sit down and go.
Hey, I heard you had a meetingthe other day with so-and-so and
you guys were talking aboutthis.
How did your conversation goabout that and go?
Hey, I heard you had a meetingthe other day with so-and-so and
you guys were talking aboutthis.
How did your conversation goabout that?
That's a completely differentway of asking the same question.
It's just a little morein-depth in getting there and I
(33:17):
get it.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Can be, overwhelming, it really can be, Because
sometimes how fast your brainthinks, you can fire off like 20
questions within two minutesand I'm still back here
processing the first half of thefirst question.
So you have to also be mindfulof how your partner communicates
and processes communication.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
Right, not just communication, but how they
process and that's still manyyears later.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
It's a frustration for us.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah it is I'm learning to slow down and to
just sometimes be quiet, andthat's still many years later.
It's a frustration for us.
Yeah, it is.
I'm learning to slow down andto just sometimes be quiet,
because that's a good thing forme not to be talking all the
time, but that's my thing.
If I'm going to tell youthere's one thing you ought to
fight for, it's fight forcommunicating with your
(34:05):
significant other.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
And do that to the best of your ability, but like
ask her how her day goes Ifshe's in the gym class, what did
you do?
Speaker 2 (34:12):
in the gym today and then actually listen to her.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Yeah, don't just ask a question and get on your phone
.
Put your phone down.
Yeah, Lock eyes and say hey,what was good about your day?
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Even when you do ask me how the gym goes and I'm
telling you the ridiculousthings that we did in the
circuit training, even if you'renot interested, you do a great
job of pretending like you are.
Or even if I tell you somefirst grade story from today and
you're really intentional aboutgetting to know my students
with me and like I can't believeso-and-so did that.
(34:42):
Or he's so silly when he said,and like whether I don't know if
you actually it's going tosound ugly.
I don't know if you actuallycare, I don't mean it that way.
Or like invested in what I'msaying, you care about it.
Or like if you're actuallyinvested, I don't know because
you don't show me that.
You show me like you said.
(35:03):
You put your phone down, youlook at me and you know we.
You actually engage in what I'msaying.
So I feel like I'm beinglistened to.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Well, that's the friendship.
Yeah, Like, if I'm friends withyou, I'm going to be invested.
Like if we go to, if we go tohave coffee and you get on your
phone, that irritates the hellout of me.
Like, if you're getting on your, like if we're going to have
coffee and you get on your phoneand you're doing it, I'm like
bro, bye, but we don't do that?
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Just take my coffee and leave?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
No, we don't do that.
It's like I'm not doing thatLike I said time aside to meet
with you.
Like if I'm with you and I'msitting.
I'm going to be intentionalabout my time, because
communication is not abouttalking all the way, yeah, it's
(35:46):
the way.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
you everything, yeah, so be intentional with that
okay, so we have.
We've sort of we've kind ofunpacked as we've gone today.
Yeah, um, so let's talk aboutwhat our friends can do.
This is sort of like the unpackversion uh, it's a little bit
different.
So let's talk about some, maybesome action steps for our
friends that are listening okay,okay, okay so.
How about you For communication?
What can they do?
(36:06):
Ooh, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Wow, all right, start .
Start with communication islike set aside some time that
this week say, hey, we're goingto have and I know I've said
this challenge once and I'll sayit again because I love it and
it's so stinking helpful.
It just gets you in the funmode of doing this.
(36:29):
Do 10 minutes because it'sreally short, put your phones
away, set a timer for fiveminutes and for five minutes you
do nothing but ask questions.
The person who's getting thequestions asked to them can just
respond.
You can't interject.
If you're asking questions,don't interject, just ask
(36:50):
questions.
Ask them can just respond.
You can't interject.
If you're asking questions,don't interject, just ask
questions.
Um.
And then, when the five minutesis up, you switch roles.
The person that was um switchesand they start asking questions
and you start answering.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Well, the whole idea behind that is not just talking
but listening.
That's.
Communication is not just aboutsharing, it's actually
listening what the other personis saying.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, just try that simple exercise once.
Just try it once, and thenyou'll get in the habit of just
talking.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
The first time we did that exercise, we both were
crying.
Yeah, we're so emotional, we'reemotional.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
But here's the thing, though, about communication.
Like, communication is not justtalking about crap that's going
wrong.
Communication is talking aboutabsolutely everything.
Like hey, our money is crap.
This week we don't have any, sowe should be eating this and
that, or we shouldn't be doingthis or we don't need to go out
this and I know you don't wantme to talk about it.
But even the communication ofwhat happens in your bedroom,
(37:40):
like the intimacy side, you needto talk about it.
We treat that like we don'ttalk about it.
We can't talk about that, wedon't want to talk about that,
and so we go with all theseunmet expectations and all these
crazy things.
When it comes to that, it'sjust a conversation.
Just start and I get it.
You're putting yourself outthere when you do that with all
(38:01):
those things, but just start theconversation and that's an.
That's an easy way to get usedto starting asking questions,
because you would say you're badat asking questions, but when
you get in that exercise, youkind of do really well.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
So that's my one thing.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Okay, so what about when you're thinking about being
selfless was something that ourfriends can try.
I know what we talked aboutearlier.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
I would say do something for your spouse or
your significant other, thatthere is absolutely no return on
investment for you In thecorporate world we call that ROI
.
There's literally no return oninvestment for you.
In the corporate world we callthat ROI.
Like, there's literally noreturn on investment other than
I'm going to give to you becauseI love you and you're my
partner.
So I'm going to do somethingfor you and I don't expect
anything in return.
And it could be guys.
(38:58):
I'm saying something as simple,like if you know her favorite
candy bar, her favorite candy orsomething, just buy that and
just surprise her with that.
And just I mean surprise herwith you.
Know, put thought into it.
Don't do like, oh, I'm going toget a Starbucks gift card.
No, like know what kind ofcoffee she gets from Starbucks.
(39:20):
Like know what her favoritecandy is, what her favorite
thing is?
Don't make it huge.
Make it something.
Something.
Start small.
Like let's don't go over thetop here.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
Uh just something really simple.
Just get her flowers, justbecause you think that's what
every woman likes.
That's not all of us yeah, justsay it's flowers I mean, I love
to look at them, but I don'twant you to buy me them yeah, so
it's no, but you should knowthat, because that's
communication.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
Yeah, just do something.
That I mean.
And a small question could belike what's one thing I could do
this week that would just makeyou smile.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Ask her that question and see what she says.
Or ask him that question andsee what he says.
Do it for each other.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
It's kind of a fun.
It's just not the dudes for thefor seeing others.
Yeah, both ways.
Just do something nice.
Don't expect anything in return.
Don't be ticked if they don'tnotice it.
Don't be ticked if they don'tdo anything.
Just do it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
Because you love them .
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
For simply that Serve .
Speaker 1 (40:15):
Just serve man.
When you serve other people, itfeels good.
Yeah, it's just a good feeling.
So how?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
about you.
So the things that I wastalking about mine are simple,
but they're not as far as havefun together, schedule a date
night.
And a date night doesn't meanyou go out in the world.
It could mean, after the kidsgo to bed, you sit down together
at the table and have a cup ofdecaf coffee and just talk.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Or, you know, go sit outside for a few minutes and
look at the stars together, Likeit could be something super,
super simple.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Be careful and don't fall into just watch a show.
No, don't, because that's thelowest level of connection you
can have with someone, becauseyou're not even talking, you
just need to do somethingtogether, right, do something
together regularly, okay.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
And also the other one I said don't sweat the small
stuff, that's just a soapbox.
I'm going to stand on forever.
Think about the things thatdrive you nuts, about your
spouse, things that you mighthear Like be mindful of what
you're saying, and things thatyou might be nagging about, or
things that you just won't letgo of.
And think about why does thatdrive you so crazy?
(41:28):
Why?
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
And is it that big of a deal?
Because I can assure you, whenyou dissect it and you look at
it and you compare it to the bigpicture, it's not.
And if it is something that's abig deal, then you better learn
how to communicate about it.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Yeah, and then have a conversation around it, be like
, hey, when you put your stuffon the island, it's not the best
thing in the world.
What's the solution?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
for us not to do that .
Do I need to make a basket foryou somewhere?
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Yeah, so don't be like you get your stuff off the
counter and that's not where itgoes, because everybody knows
it's not where it goes.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
Why don't you ever put your stuff up?
Speaker 1 (42:02):
Why don't you ever yeah, so just figure out a way
to have that conversation.
All right, so that's good.
Do we want to do a question?
Speaker 2 (42:08):
One last question I think we'll save it for next
time.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
No, you know what we'll do.
We'll do a short.
We'll post a reel this weekwith our question.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
All right.
So thank you guys for joiningin tonight.
Thank, Thank you for listening.
Make sure to like subscribe.
Do all the fun stuff, thesharing, Tell all your friends
yeah, all that good jazz For youguys.
If anyone joined us on a liveman, thank you, you deserve a
drink, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
And maybe send us a message or I don't know if we're
already friends text us orwhatever, and just let us know
what you thought and what we cando better.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
So hopefully we're trying to increase and do more
and more for our show.
So if you have ideas, pleaselet us know.
Um, but thank you guys so much.
Love you guys.
And uh, we'll see you next time.
Bye.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up?
Baggage Claim how you guysdoing this week.
Thank you so much for joiningus back to listen in on our fun
escapades as we dive into somenew stuff today.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab that favorite
drink.
Cozy up to that proverbialtable Maybe it is a real table,
(00:38):
whatever it may be grab yourfavorite drink and just kind of
settle in.
We're going to do a little bitof a different podcast format
tonight, which is going to bekind of fun, and we're going
live on Facebook.
So maybe we have no one join,maybe we do.
Who knows Wish we were to try.
Yeah, and so I just want tostart again.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Also sorry we're a week behind releasing.
I was really sick last week Icould not record.
But thank you for joining thisweek too, because it's spring
break for Jess.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
Yeah, we usually release on Tuesday mornings but
we're running a little behind.
We'll go out tonight, so you'llhave it first thing Wednesday
morning.
So if you want to download, Imean, if you're listening to
this it's kind of pointlessbecause nobody's really watching
it, but if you're listening,hey, thanks for listening.
Just so you know, our audienceis growing, which is crazy.
(01:28):
Every week we get new CDs, newdownloads, new people from all
over, which I just love seeingand it's fun.
Thank you for liking, thank youfor downloading, thank you for
listening to us.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Thank you for telling your friends about us.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Yeah and absolutely we're having a blast and having
fun.
And just before we get into itand Jess will kill me for doing
this we are working on somecontent for you guys.
Right now it's like aneight-week kind of in-home study
for your family on helpingdevelop culture for your family.
(02:00):
So it's kind of like what wewalked through in the last
podcast.
If you haven't heard that,check it out.
It's episode eight.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, and I didn't want you to talk about it yet,
because we're still working onit.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
Yeah, well, that means we have to work on it
faster if we say it out loud.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
That's why I didn't want you to say it out loud.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
It's called accountability, so now we have
to actually finish it.
We have an outline started sowe're trying to put that out
there so you guys will havesomething to download, actually
do with your families whereyou're at walk through, and so
that's kind of exciting, it'sout there.
But anyway, today we're talkingabout you know, we all want
that silver bullet.
Like we're going anytime youtalk about marriage, you talk
(02:36):
about business or anything elsethat's successful, you listen to
podcasts or like you know whatdo all the successful people do?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
What are successful marriages?
Tell me the one thing I need todo to make it work.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
Yeah, it's like what is that one thing?
Well, I mean, if we knew whatthat was, we would be filthy
rich and there'd probably belike 5,000 of y'all on our live
stream right now.
But right now there's maybe oneof you and thanks for watching,
but there's not really a singlesilver bullet.
There's not really a singlesilver bullet.
I decided to, we came up withand I asked Jess this question
(03:12):
and it was a deer in the headlike but I'm like, okay,
marriage is fun when it startsand it's great and you have this
lovey-dovey feeling, everythingis perfect.
But then just life happens andyou start.
I mean just everything, thebills, the schedules, everything
comes together and it just getscrazy.
So I asked Jess, I was liketell me two things that you
(03:34):
think make your marriage really,really successful, or you think
that you make your marriagework really well.
And then she asked me thosesame two things too.
Yeah, and so trying to figureout what those two are, yeah,
and so we're going to dig intothat tonight and we're just
going to talk about what Jess'stwo are, my two are.
(03:55):
So I'm going to ask you, justplease bear with us, because
we're going to jump on ourproverbial soapbox.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
And just kind of talk for a little bit.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It's going to be a little bit different because
usually we'll share what we wantto share and at the end we'll
unpack that baggage together andsort of you know, give you a
challenge or you knowsuggestions to work on, but this
week we're going to kind oftalk and unpack as we go.
Yeah, we'll do something at theend so that you guys have
(04:23):
something to go off of, but it'sjust going to be a little bit
different this week.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
And we are working on having some guests show up in
the next few weeks, so thatcould be fun If we can bribe
anybody or pay them to come onhere or whatever to share with
us.
So cool, let's get started.
Let's jump right in.
So, jess, tell me what your twoare and we're going to take
turns.
So, jess, tell me what your twoare and we're going to take
turns.
You'll do one then.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
I'll do one.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Okay, we'll go back and forth.
So tell me what your two itemsare.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Tell me what your two things, tell them to you.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Concepts.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Both at one time, or you want to do one at a time.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
I don't know, you can surprise me.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Okay, so one of them is to have fun together.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
All right.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
I know it sounds basic.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Yeah, but I mean there's a lot of truth in
simplicity.
So when you say have funtogether, help me unpack that a
little bit.
What does that mean for you?
Define that.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
You need to be friends with your significant
other, I mean, if you don't likethem.
As a person, enjoy doing thingstogether.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
So the whole chicken and egg thing, like what came
first, the chicken or the egg?
So what comes first?
Is it the friendship or the fun?
Or the fun?
Like do you have fun withsomebody and be like, oh wait a
minute, we're friends, or is ityou're friends with somebody and
you're like, oh, this isactually fun?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I think it's according to how you start out,
like some folks were friends inthe beginning and then realized
oh, I have feelings for thatperson.
Maybe I want more than friends.
Other people, like you and I,had never even knew each other
existed, so we didn't knowanything about each other.
So as we were getting to knoweach other and just becoming
(06:08):
friends, it allowed me to knowmore about you and how we could
have fun together getting toknow each other.
But I don't feel like thatshould stop the longer you're
married.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
I agree, but why do you think it does stop, though,
Like?
Do you have an idea or athought?
Why like?
Because it's, I mean,friendship should be easy.
I know it's work, it should be,it's like in your relationship,
yeah, but also as an adult.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Having, you know, actual friendships in the world
is hard anyway.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
It actually is.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
But just like friends that are not your spouse, you
have to be intentional to seethose folks.
You have to, you know, checkyour calendar, see whenever we
can get together and hang out oryou know those type things.
But we should do the same thingwith each other.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
You know it's crazy to be intentional.
Yeah, you said you had to beintentional with those that
aren't your spouse, but it's thesame thing.
Speaker 2 (07:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Even people.
I mean the person you'remarried to Even more, so yeah
because it's just easy just toget into the roommate phase and
we've been in the roommate phasea few times to be like you're
just nose down doing stuff andthere is no fun.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Right, there's a bunch of kids, or you know
finances are tight, or it's justyou know you're working on a
project where you're not home asmuch, or something like that.
But if you're not intentional,it's not going to happen and
your definition of fun canchange over the years, like when
we first got together.
One of our first dates is youtook me indoor rock climbing.
Had I ever done that in my life?
Speaker 1 (07:38):
No, Did you think it was fun?
Speaker 2 (07:40):
It was fun, okay, and I made you go watch me paint.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, it was the.
I remember it was a sip andpaint and I was like, what does
that mean?
And he was like, oh, they drinkwine and they drink when we
paint.
And I was like, oh well, I cando the sip part.
I don't know about the paintpart.
So I remember it's so funnybecause we went with, I think,
damon and Tracy.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
We did.
But I had been going for monthsand months before that and I
was friends with the owner.
So she was like, oh, youbrought a dude with you, okay.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
So I rolled in this cooler a rolling cooler.
That's how classy I am.
Yes, it's a rolling cooler intothis.
And I sat on the cooler yeahRight behind me and every time I
would open the lid he'd go meowand everybody would look at me
and I'd be like anybody want adrink and everybody was looking
at me like it was every singletime.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It was so classy, yeah, I couldn't sneak around.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
No, but that was, I knew how many drinks I had by
the end of the painting.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
And that was part of us getting to know each other
and becoming friends then.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Yeah, yeah, it was just.
I think it was making theallowances for hey, what is it
you like to do?
Speaker 2 (08:45):
I'll go try that out.
What do you like to do?
I'll go try that out.
But now we've been together 13years and our definition of fun
has changed.
You know, used to it was, youknow, date nights or whatever.
I mean, we still do that, buton a regular basis.
You know, although all but oneof our children have left the
nest, it looks different nowbecause most evenings we've got,
you know, our grandbaby and hermommy and daddy over here.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Or even sometimes we may drive to like we go to, or
we have this thing on Fridayafternoons.
We go to Mellow.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Mushroom, mellow Mushroom, mellow Mushroom.
Sorry, yay, mellow Mushroom.
So we go to.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Mellow Mushroom right here by our house.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
And we think we're sneaking away.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Yeah, so we have.
And then all of a sudden theyshow up, or other people show up
, and it was like, yeah, we knewy'all would be here.
And then our table winds uphaving five or six people at it,
which is not bad, it's fun.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
No, it is fun.
But your definition of fun canchange, but it's important to it
.
The whole idea is just to enjoyyour time together.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Whether you're covered up with kids or you know
they still crash your dates oryou know whatever, what have you
?
Or going to walk at the parkcould be a definition of fun,
and it is for us a lot of times.
But it's just important, thewhole idea of like I know it
sounds like very simple of justhave fun together, but it's
mostly about being intentional,to enjoy your time together as a
(10:08):
couple.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
Okay.
So I have maybe a challengingquestion in that.
Okay, say you're together,you're in the middle of marriage
, things are tough, it's justhard.
And you're like, okay, I hearyou, jess, but I can't see the
fun.
I just can't even see the lightat the end of the tunnel right
now, when you say you shouldhave fun together.
(10:30):
What is that Like?
How do I start that?
Like, how do I even just Idon't know, I'm not jumping to
the end for the unpacked part,but for you to go, if I'm in
this and it's kind of toughright now, what's an initial
kind of how do I start this?
How do I just do that?
Speaker 2 (10:50):
You got to talk about where you're at and be honest
and talk about what would makeyour heart feel lighter, what
would feel fun for you, whatwould make you feel connected to
me?
Is it just literally sitting inthe porch swing and listening
to music and being quiettogether?
Okay, it's just a connection.
It doesn't have to be a bigdeal, it doesn't have to be
(11:11):
extravagant, just a way to beconnected.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Gotcha Okay, so just make a step, basically.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Anything.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Okay, so what's the most fun thing you love to do
right now?
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Right now.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Like if I said hey, I have a fun weekend planned for
us.
What are your hopes in that funweekend?
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Hopefully throw the top back on the Jeep and go
riding in the mountains.
That's always fun.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Yeah, well, there's always.
This is not riding in themountains, this is riding in the
mountains too.
A winery somewhere.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
A winery somewhere.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
That hopefully has live music.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Yeah, live music.
So those are Jess's twofavorite things, and a pretty
view, yeah, and outside.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So I know, if we're outside listening to live music
and there's wine nearby, you'rea happy girl.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
I am.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
So and.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Or go find a random creek somewhere and have a
picnic and turn music on yourphone yeah, that's true.
So I mean it doesn't have to beexpensive, Right, or a big deal
.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
Yeah, we're definitely proponents of that.
We've lived on a.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Shoestring budget.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
at times I don't even know if you'd call it a
shoestring.
It may be a flip-flop budget.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Or a toothpick.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
Yeah, it's a psych-walk budget here.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
It's to do, but we managed to have fun no matter
what.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
This is a fun kind of this just kind of makes me
laugh.
I look back at it now.
One of our fun dates used to bewe would go get a box of tacos.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I think we talked about this one time From Taco
Bell, yeah, and just watch a funmovie.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Well, just what two weeks ago, last week?
No, it was like two weeks ago,yeah, so we're out and I was
like, dude, let's go get a boxof tacos at Taco Bell and just
go home and veg out and watchcomedy shows or something You're
like yes.
We go to Taco Bell and thelady's like, yeah, we don't do
that anymore.
And I was so heartbroken I justdrove off.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You did.
You drove off out of thedrive-thru.
Yeah, I just left.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
And there was a woman behind us.
She was like y'all okay?
Yeah, I was just upset, I washeartbroken.
You were like they don't doboxed tacos anymore.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I did yell at that oh my gosh, we need to get out of
this place.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
I was upset.
I wanted to relive that moment.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
She ruined your fun.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
She did.
She did ruin my fun.
Speaker 2 (13:16):
All we were trying to do was eat tacos and laugh.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah at it, all right .
My first one was have funtogether.
What's one of yours?
Mine is uh god, this is a bigone for me.
There's I have two and they runneck and neck, so it's kind of
I would say um, it's not aboutyou, don't be selfish.
Don't be selfish if If you'reselfish, then you're just going
to lose.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Okay.
What does that mean to you inreal life?
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Okay, so when we you want a short answer, I'll give
you the answer.
I have my heart when we gottogether.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Preferably the answer you have in your heart.
Okay, I'll go with that one,preferably.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
So it was when we got together.
It was okay.
I want to love you, I want torespect you, I want to honor you
.
I have Callie and Cody, whowent through the drama of
divorce, who were with us sevendays and without us seven days.
So I need to figure out how tocommunicate with them, stay
connected to them the seven daysthey're not with us, and then
(14:22):
the seven days they are with usthat they integrate into our
family in a way.
You have aaron grayson, thomas,who lost their dad, uh, two plus
years ago.
How do I try to help fill thatgap?
Not fill that gap?
Uh, be there for them when theyneed me, when.
Don't overpress that.
At the same time, stay incommunication with my ex over
(14:43):
medical issues, school issues,sports issues, while at the same
time making sure that you'renot mad because I'm having to
call text.
Be in touch with my ex that youknow, like you feel secure in
that our relationship, thatyou're not in that one.
So it's like I'm trying tojuggle all those things on top
(15:04):
of have a job.
Manage that job, manage just ourfamily and just trying to make
sure that we're doing the thingsthat I feel like we ought to be
doing, and loving each otherand caring for each other.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Well, you did a good job at all of that.
Oh well, thank you, you stilldo.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
So all that, when I say, man, if I always wanted my
way, then I was always going tolose, Like there wasn't a moment
just to go.
I just want what I want.
Now, there was those moments.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
Usually I put my headphones on and go walk around
the neighborhood and just be.
You know I want this, but it'susually over some stupid selfish
thing, you know, and it's just.
That's a.
I mean.
I know that sounds a lot ofpeople are going to listen to
this and go.
Well, that sounds incrediblysad and unfulfilling.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Right, I can see that .
Speaker 1 (15:58):
My joy was not in just saying, hey, I want
everything I want, because, atthe same time, what I wanted was
our family to be happy.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Right.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
I wanted us to live life to the full.
Like that's what I wanted.
In order to do that, there wasa lot of things I had to juggle
and make sure happened at thesame time.
So, that's kind of when I saythat that's where that comes
from.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, one way you live that out, though, on a
daily basis now is all my schoolmornings.
You get up early, even thoughyou don't have to, and you make
my coffee, fix my water, makesure I've got everything packed
up and help me get everything tothe car so I can get to work
early like I like to, and youdon't have to do that.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, I don't.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
I enjoy it, though, Like I enjoy getting to see you,
not every morning, noteverybody would.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Okay, yeah, not every morning, though there's some
mornings where I'm— it's rarewhere you don't.
Yeah, okay, it's rare, yeah,but that's something I enjoy
doing with you and for you.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Right, but then after I leave that's when you get
some time in the morning to kindof get yourself ready for the
day you get your coffee andBaxter snuggles up in your lap
and Bailey under your feet andyou know you kind of recharge
yourself a little bit.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I do, I usually.
It's usually when I watch thelatest YouTube golf thing that I
watch, or I'll catch up on apodcast that I've been wanting
to watch or see, and I do watchthose before I jump into
something.
I've been debating on whetherto start exercising.
Start my exercise directly assoon as you leave.
It just doesn't sound fun atall to me.
But I'm trying to find thosethings too that help not only
(17:41):
recharge me but make me better.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Because if you just give and give, and give and give
and give, with nothing to givefrom, then it's not going to
come from joy.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Well, it's a gas tank .
I mean, this is basically yourgauge, your gas gauge, like car
runs on gas, it runs out.
You got to refill it.
So the idea behind that is,people may look at it and go
well, dude, if your life is allabout giving to someone else,
serving someone else, what doyou do for you?
I find things that I enjoydoing, that really fulfill me,
(18:09):
that I recharge from, and youmay hear those and go well, that
doesn't do me.
That's why I'm saying find whatrecharges you, because you have
to fill your gas tank back upbecause it's going to get
drained again and your kids,whether you want it or not, and
your significant other are goingto need things from you, yes,
and so they're going to take notall the time, but they will
(18:31):
take and so you just need torecharge.
My recharging is I mean, I getto go play golf a good bit with
friends, which is incredibly fun.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Go on, guys, trips I do.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I've went on some guys trips to Austin, to
Tennessee, to Nashville, to NewOrleans, going on a golf trip
this year which I'm reallyexcited about, with some buddies
, and my recharge is when I getto go to the gym in the
afternoon.
Yeah, and so you do that.
Recharging for me, though, canbe as simple as grabbing coffee
with a good friend of mine andjust saying, like, being in that
(19:04):
coffee, just having greatconversation, gets me pumped up
and I get excited about it.
So I mean, it's like it doesn'thave to be.
I got to go on a trip, I got togo do this.
It could be.
Being around people rechargesme.
This is just how I'm wired, sothat's my thing, and that goes
right back to if you want to bea great husband, if you want to
(19:26):
have great relationships, be thehealthiest version of yourself.
Know what recharges you, andthen find ways to pull yourself
out and serve those that arearound you.
Serve your kids, serve yourwife, Serve them.
Sometimes it's not fun,sometimes they're thankful,
sometimes they're not, butthat's not.
(19:47):
You're not doing it to get apat on the back.
You're just, you're servingthem.
Serve, and don't make it aboutyou and watch what happens.
It's kind of fun it's kind ofcrazy.
So all right, how about yournext one?
Speaker 2 (19:59):
your next one was uh, don't sweat the small stuff
don't sweat the small stuff.
I know there's a phrase that'sused like over and over and,
over and over again.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
So cliche, but for me what's small stuff, because I
don't want to sweat it.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Okay.
Well, an example I could use inour everyday life is when
you're working on a jobsometimes and you come in and
you kind of unload your pocketson the island in the kitchen and
your tools and stuff kind ofhang out there for a day or two
and I could let that drive menuts, but I don't.
(20:36):
Or when I'm doing laundry andagain like if you've been on a
job and there's 45 screws therein the washer just so you guys
know, I do golf tees, or I dosome handyman stuff.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
From time to time I do real estate the area, but I
also do some handyman stuff andwork on some remodeled things
here and there.
So that's where the screws andthe things in my pockets come
from.
I don't just put random thingsin my pocket and walk around.
So if I'm on a job and I haveshorts and I'll put screws or
things and I try to unload those, but it just doesn't happen.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
The other night, whenever we were cleaning up and
turning TV off and stuff to goto bed, you brought back like
four pairs of shoes that wereall over the living room.
Yes, and you were likeapparently all of my shoes were
in here.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, I had flip-flops and shoes and stuff.
I don't know why I just hadshoes randomly throughout the
house.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I had seen the shoes, but also I didn't care.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Well, I didn't realize until I needed a pair of
shoes and I went in the closetI was like none of my shoes are
in here.
Where's my flip flops, yeah?
So my stuff was stored all overthe house and it is interesting
that you don't do that.
There's a lot of people whothat would irritate the crap out
of them yeah.
And just frustrate them.
So thank you first off.
(21:49):
How did you get there and howdo you stay there?
Why are you?
Speaker 2 (21:55):
the way you are.
Yeah, why do you do that?
Speaker 1 (22:00):
Because I always want to say thank you and I think
there's a lot of guys, but Ilove to put my crap on the
island and I get cussed out.
No, Just my stuff, though,doesn't stay.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
No, it is not that bad.
Please do, because it's notthat bad.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
It doesn't stay there long.
Speaker 2 (22:15):
No, maybe two or three days Maybe.
Again, I don't care.
So that's why I'm like I don'tknow.
Why am I the way I am?
Well, I've always been anoptimistic kind of person.
For the most part, I try tofind the good.
I'm a silver lining kind ofgirl.
Yeah, just in general as aperson.
But for those of you that knowus personally or that you've
(22:40):
listened, my experience in myfirst marriage losing my husband
within this few months afterand I know I've mentioned this
before, when I would hear wivescomplain about their husband,
like you know, when he put hisdirty clothes in the laundry or
he leaves water bottles allaround the house and this, that
and the other, I'm like but he'sthere, he's there to do it.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Because I've lived the alternate of that of there
is no one, not a husband, thereto leave a mess, right.
There is not a husband to pickup after, and so having that
ripped away and being sothankful that I have you, I'm
like that little stuff does notbother me at all.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
That's interesting.
Yeah, question, I haven't.
I probably never asked you this.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Oh boy.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Did TJ like?
Did he put his stuff away?
No, no, he wasn't.
Did you get frustrated with him?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
then he was a very messy man Most of us are.
Yeah, most of you are, but itdidn't really bother me then
either, though, honestly.
But then when you're used tothat and then it's just gone, it
reminds you of.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
You kind of miss the mess.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Yeah, you miss the mess a little bit, and so it's
just kind of like you know thatreally, you know, I'd like to
stumble upon an empty waterbottle somewhere.
You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
So the question for me is, because you and I have
had this discussion too Like wefeel like we are very
intentional with our time withour kids and we tried to slow
down.
But even looking back, I go,man, I wish we would have slowed
down a little more.
Um, cause now they're, they'reout.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Um, I'm so excited cause we're going to see uh Cali
girl in a couple of weeks downin Pensacola.
I'm so excited to go see her.
Anytime we get to go spend time, we spend time with our kids
and just get excited.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
That's our nickname for Callie Callie girl.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
We are in that and we look back at it.
There's always that hindsight,it's always 20-20.
How do you have that withoutlosing a spouse?
To hear you say like that's a Imean, because a lot of people,
most people listening, are like,hey, my marriage is.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
maybe it's tough, maybe it's good.
There's not a lot of peoplethat walk my path at the age I
walked it Right.
It was a hard path.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Yeah, and so again, I don't think you give yourself
enough credit for how muchyou've healed and how much
you've grown, and how you loveand how you do those things is a
huge, huge, huge part, and Ithink it just speaks volumes to
who you are, but also to how doyou get there, how do you make
(25:25):
that happen?
Speaker 2 (25:28):
For me, it's just a way of thinking.
For me, it's just a way ofthinking, and okay, and
transparency, are there things?
If I let them drive me nutsabout you?
Yeah, I'm sure I could.
We were talking earlier.
I was like there's a couple ofprojects around the house that I
would like to have finished,but are they annoying enough for
(25:50):
me to nag you about it?
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Yeah, because, ultimately, if we sit down and
talk about them, they annoyingenough for me to nag you about
it.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, because ultimately, if wesit down, and talk about them
they're annoying to me too, I'msure, Like it's just like oh God
.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
On the flip side, it's probably as annoying as
I'll get out to you that I don'tfold clothes as often as I
probably should.
It's not probably, it isannoying to you.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
But you're not ugly to me about it ever, you know.
Yeah, laundry is a hard thingfor us, yes.
It gets to the point where weliterally this is the way we've
tried to overcome that it getsso bad.
We're like I don't haveanything to wear in the mornings
and I'm searching throughlaundry baskets.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
It's just not where it belongs.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
So we will literally dump it all on the bed.
We'll turn some music on the TV, sometimes grab a drink,
sometimes not.
It really depends.
Most of the time we don't.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
And we're just like head down, we're trying to get
it done and just like, let'sjust finish this.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
So we sort you have a side, I have a side, we sort it
out.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
We hang up our stuff, put it away.
I put mine away.
It literally doesn't take us 20minutes.
In the summer, when I'm home,laundry's not an issue because
I'm home, I do it and I put allof ours away.
But it's just so busy and timeis such a rare resource.
I guess you can say that Idon't want to be in our bedroom
folding clothes.
I want to be out in the house,in the main area of the house,
where everybody else is or whereyou are.
(27:13):
I don't want to be back thereputting up laundry.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
Yeah, well, your day's so short.
Yeah, and that's when we say,hey, look, we live in the same
world.
You guys do Like it's crazy inour house.
Yeah, like Jess.
During school she gets homeliterally maybe at 3.40, 3.45.
Sometimes she changes clothes,she's at the gym by 4 30.
She comes home at 5 20.
Uh, we maybe have 35, 40minutes.
Then we're cooking dinner.
Yeah, cook dinner.
(27:36):
Then it's like cleaning up andthen jess goes to bed at eight
o'clock.
I always rag her, sometimes at7 30, so we're no more eating
and she's trying to go to bedare hard.
Okay, firsties are hard work sojess was to go to bed because
she's getting up at five o'clock, which I get, and so it's like
we get when we say, when we'resaying all this stuff, we're not
just spouting off a bunch ofcrap.
Speaker 2 (27:57):
No, it's stuff we actually do and try to do and be
mindful of.
Yeah, so trust me, I understandthat time is valuable, so
that's why, again, it's soimportant to not sweat the small
stuff, because if you you do,the small stuff becomes all you
see, and you can't see any good.
All you see is the stuff thatdrives you nuts so you kind of
(28:18):
see what you want to see yeah,kind of like what we talked
about mindset, not too long ago.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Yeah, it's true.
It's true in that past episode.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Gotcha all right all right, so your second one was
the old, dreaded C word.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah, that we all say and we all throw around, and a
lot, most of us suck at itCommunication, yep.
So communication is my, that'smy soapbox.
I'll jump on that thing fasterthan anything, and sometimes I
know you're annoyed by it, butalso too, it's—.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Not annoyed.
Challenged is a better word.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Okay, maybe challenged.
Yeah, that's probably right.
But I've seen so manyrelationships, like professional
relationships, personalrelationships fall apart because
of lack of communication.
I mean, in all honesty, mostrelationships end because of
poor communication.
Yeah, even in the fact I knowI've said before most end with
(29:18):
bad communication and unmetexpectations.
That unmet expectation is dueto communication.
Yeah because you didn'tcommunicate about it.
And so it all goes back to thissimple word of communicate, back
to this simple word ofcommunicate.
But it's so simple and socomplex all at the same time
that sometimes we just getticked.
(29:39):
If it was like you know what,I'm just not going to do it.
The mountain seems too big toclimb, I'm just not going to do
it.
And so we don't, yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
So when we decided we were going to have a
relationship after we becamefriends, it pretty quickly
escalated to hey, I want toactually date you.
How frustrating was it to learnthat I was a terrible
communicator at that point.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Well, I don't think I'm a phenomenal communicator.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Well, you're way better than me.
So I think I was and you've hadportions of your career that
depended on that.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
Yeah, where I had to do that.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
I think the most frustrating part wasn't that you
sucked at it.
I think I wanted to understandand know how you were feeling
and where you were coming from,and you just did not have words.
No and you would not use yourwords and you would just be like
I don't know and I'm like, well, what does that mean?
I don't know what that meansand I was like, well, what does
(30:40):
that mean?
Well, you just get frustratedand we'd be stuck in this, we're
just spinning our tires.
And I was like, okay, we're notgoing anywhere, we've got going
anywhere.
We got to figure out adifferent way to do this.
So it's like we got to ask somebetter questions and figure out
what those questions are to getyou to thinking differently
about your thoughts and yourfeelings Well, I perceived it as
negative interesting you'requestioning me and my thoughts,
(31:05):
it felt negative and then on myside, I was afraid I might say
something that would be hurtfulunintentionally or it would be,
it would just.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
It just all felt like the potential was just
negativity, rather than justliterally tell me what you're
feeling I mean now I know thatbut that.
But that's not how I'vefunctioned before.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
That's interesting that it came from a negative
point.
Like you, saw things as measking questions as I was
attacking you.
Yeah, interesting Okay.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
I've never had anybody in my whole life that
did that, so it was like why areyou asking me so many questions
Like what I'm?
Telling you what I think, I'mtelling you what I want to tell
you.
Speaker 1 (31:54):
Right.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
So it literally felt, it felt really negative in the
beginning.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
And sometimes.
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I still fall into that.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
I think, yeah, and I think, but also too, I, I think,
sometimes I get, I like to saypassionate.
You say uh, use a differentword, uh, then I'll say, when I
become very passionate, yeah,you say I'm a dramatic.
I say it's passionate, uh, it'sneither here nor there, it's
it's here, over here withdramatic.
It's neither here nor there, uh, but the reality is is like it.
(32:23):
It's my tone, in the way I ask.
It's not just about asking thequestion.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Oh my gosh, your tone sometimes is like shutdown city
for me.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
It's in the way that.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
I ask it.
It's the way you ask it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah.
So, guys, it's not about justsee.
I can text my friend Michael,who's our producer here, who's
behind the computer andheadphones on.
I can text him a question andjust simply be like so what did
you think about this?
And without the context of that, he'd be like what does that
(32:56):
mean?
What are you talking about?
But then if I sit down and go.
Hey, I heard you had a meetingthe other day with so-and-so and
you guys were talking aboutthis.
How did your conversation goabout that and go?
Hey, I heard you had a meetingthe other day with so-and-so and
you guys were talking aboutthis.
How did your conversation goabout that?
That's a completely differentway of asking the same question.
It's just a little morein-depth in getting there and I
(33:17):
get it.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Can be, overwhelming, it really can be, Because
sometimes how fast your brainthinks, you can fire off like 20
questions within two minutesand I'm still back here
processing the first half of thefirst question.
So you have to also be mindfulof how your partner communicates
and processes communication.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
Right, not just communication, but how they
process and that's still manyyears later.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
It's a frustration for us.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah it is I'm learning to slow down and to
just sometimes be quiet, andthat's still many years later.
It's a frustration for us.
Yeah, it is.
I'm learning to slow down andto just sometimes be quiet,
because that's a good thing forme not to be talking all the
time, but that's my thing.
If I'm going to tell youthere's one thing you ought to
fight for, it's fight forcommunicating with your
(34:05):
significant other.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
And do that to the best of your ability, but like
ask her how her day goes Ifshe's in the gym class, what did
you do?
Speaker 2 (34:12):
in the gym today and then actually listen to her.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Yeah, don't just ask a question and get on your phone
.
Put your phone down.
Yeah, Lock eyes and say hey,what was good about your day?
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Even when you do ask me how the gym goes and I'm
telling you the ridiculousthings that we did in the
circuit training, even if you'renot interested, you do a great
job of pretending like you are.
Or even if I tell you somefirst grade story from today and
you're really intentional aboutgetting to know my students
with me and like I can't believeso-and-so did that.
(34:42):
Or he's so silly when he said,and like whether I don't know if
you actually it's going tosound ugly.
I don't know if you actuallycare, I don't mean it that way.
Or like invested in what I'msaying, you care about it.
Or like if you're actuallyinvested, I don't know because
you don't show me that.
You show me like you said.
(35:03):
You put your phone down, youlook at me and you know we.
You actually engage in what I'msaying.
So I feel like I'm beinglistened to.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Well, that's the friendship.
Yeah, Like, if I'm friends withyou, I'm going to be invested.
Like if we go to, if we go tohave coffee and you get on your
phone, that irritates the hellout of me.
Like, if you're getting on your, like if we're going to have
coffee and you get on your phoneand you're doing it, I'm like
bro, bye, but we don't do that?
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Just take my coffee and leave?
Speaker 1 (35:26):
No, we don't do that.
It's like I'm not doing thatLike I said time aside to meet
with you.
Like if I'm with you and I'msitting.
I'm going to be intentionalabout my time, because
communication is not abouttalking all the way, yeah, it's
(35:46):
the way.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
you everything, yeah, so be intentional with that
okay, so we have.
We've sort of we've kind ofunpacked as we've gone today.
Yeah, um, so let's talk aboutwhat our friends can do.
This is sort of like the unpackversion uh, it's a little bit
different.
So let's talk about some, maybesome action steps for our
friends that are listening okay,okay, okay so.
How about you For communication?
What can they do?
(36:06):
Ooh, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:08):
Wow, all right, start .
Start with communication islike set aside some time that
this week say, hey, we're goingto have and I know I've said
this challenge once and I'll sayit again because I love it and
it's so stinking helpful.
It just gets you in the funmode of doing this.
(36:29):
Do 10 minutes because it'sreally short, put your phones
away, set a timer for fiveminutes and for five minutes you
do nothing but ask questions.
The person who's getting thequestions asked to them can just
respond.
You can't interject.
If you're asking questions,don't interject, just ask
(36:50):
questions.
Ask them can just respond.
You can't interject.
If you're asking questions,don't interject, just ask
questions.
Um.
And then, when the five minutesis up, you switch roles.
The person that was um switchesand they start asking questions
and you start answering.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Well, the whole idea behind that is not just talking
but listening.
That's.
Communication is not just aboutsharing, it's actually
listening what the other personis saying.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
Yeah, just try that simple exercise once.
Just try it once, and thenyou'll get in the habit of just
talking.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
The first time we did that exercise, we both were
crying.
Yeah, we're so emotional, we'reemotional.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
But here's the thing, though, about communication.
Like, communication is not justtalking about crap that's going
wrong.
Communication is talking aboutabsolutely everything.
Like hey, our money is crap.
This week we don't have any, sowe should be eating this and
that, or we shouldn't be doingthis or we don't need to go out
this and I know you don't wantme to talk about it.
But even the communication ofwhat happens in your bedroom,
(37:40):
like the intimacy side, you needto talk about it.
We treat that like we don'ttalk about it.
We can't talk about that, wedon't want to talk about that,
and so we go with all theseunmet expectations and all these
crazy things.
When it comes to that, it'sjust a conversation.
Just start and I get it.
You're putting yourself outthere when you do that with all
(38:01):
those things, but just start theconversation and that's an.
That's an easy way to get usedto starting asking questions,
because you would say you're badat asking questions, but when
you get in that exercise, youkind of do really well.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
So that's my one thing.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Okay, so what about when you're thinking about being
selfless was something that ourfriends can try.
I know what we talked aboutearlier.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
I would say do something for your spouse or
your significant other, thatthere is absolutely no return on
investment for you In thecorporate world we call that ROI
.
There's literally no return oninvestment for you.
In the corporate world we callthat ROI.
Like, there's literally noreturn on investment other than
I'm going to give to you becauseI love you and you're my
partner.
So I'm going to do somethingfor you and I don't expect
anything in return.
And it could be guys.
(38:58):
I'm saying something as simple,like if you know her favorite
candy bar, her favorite candy orsomething, just buy that and
just surprise her with that.
And just I mean surprise herwith you.
Know, put thought into it.
Don't do like, oh, I'm going toget a Starbucks gift card.
No, like know what kind ofcoffee she gets from Starbucks.
(39:20):
Like know what her favoritecandy is, what her favorite
thing is?
Don't make it huge.
Make it something.
Something.
Start small.
Like let's don't go over thetop here.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
Uh just something really simple.
Just get her flowers, justbecause you think that's what
every woman likes.
That's not all of us yeah, justsay it's flowers I mean, I love
to look at them, but I don'twant you to buy me them yeah, so
it's no, but you should knowthat, because that's
communication.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
Yeah, just do something.
That I mean.
And a small question could belike what's one thing I could do
this week that would just makeyou smile.
Speaker 2 (39:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
Ask her that question and see what she says.
Or ask him that question andsee what he says.
Do it for each other.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
It's kind of a fun.
It's just not the dudes for thefor seeing others.
Yeah, both ways.
Just do something nice.
Don't expect anything in return.
Don't be ticked if they don'tnotice it.
Don't be ticked if they don'tdo anything.
Just do it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:10):
Because you love them .
Speaker 1 (40:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:13):
For simply that Serve .
Speaker 1 (40:15):
Just serve man.
When you serve other people, itfeels good.
Yeah, it's just a good feeling.
So how?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
about you.
So the things that I wastalking about mine are simple,
but they're not as far as havefun together, schedule a date
night.
And a date night doesn't meanyou go out in the world.
It could mean, after the kidsgo to bed, you sit down together
at the table and have a cup ofdecaf coffee and just talk.
Speaker 1 (40:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Or, you know, go sit outside for a few minutes and
look at the stars together, Likeit could be something super,
super simple.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Be careful and don't fall into just watch a show.
No, don't, because that's thelowest level of connection you
can have with someone, becauseyou're not even talking, you
just need to do somethingtogether, right, do something
together regularly, okay.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
And also the other one I said don't sweat the small
stuff, that's just a soapbox.
I'm going to stand on forever.
Think about the things thatdrive you nuts, about your
spouse, things that you mighthear Like be mindful of what
you're saying, and things thatyou might be nagging about, or
things that you just won't letgo of.
And think about why does thatdrive you so crazy?
(41:28):
Why?
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
And is it that big of a deal?
Because I can assure you, whenyou dissect it and you look at
it and you compare it to the bigpicture, it's not.
And if it is something that's abig deal, then you better learn
how to communicate about it.
Speaker 1 (41:45):
Yeah, and then have a conversation around it, be like
, hey, when you put your stuffon the island, it's not the best
thing in the world.
What's the solution?
Speaker 2 (41:52):
for us not to do that .
Do I need to make a basket foryou somewhere?
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Yeah, so don't be like you get your stuff off the
counter and that's not where itgoes, because everybody knows
it's not where it goes.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
Why don't you ever put your stuff up?
Speaker 1 (42:02):
Why don't you ever yeah, so just figure out a way
to have that conversation.
All right, so that's good.
Do we want to do a question?
Speaker 2 (42:08):
One last question I think we'll save it for next
time.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (42:12):
No, you know what we'll do.
We'll do a short.
We'll post a reel this weekwith our question.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
All right.
So thank you guys for joiningin tonight.
Thank, Thank you for listening.
Make sure to like subscribe.
Do all the fun stuff, thesharing, Tell all your friends
yeah, all that good jazz For youguys.
If anyone joined us on a liveman, thank you, you deserve a
drink, Thank you.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
And maybe send us a message or I don't know if we're
already friends text us orwhatever, and just let us know
what you thought and what we cando better.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
So hopefully we're trying to increase and do more
and more for our show.
So if you have ideas, pleaselet us know.
Um, but thank you guys so much.
Love you guys.
And uh, we'll see you next time.
Bye.
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