October 7, 2025 • 38 mins
The quiet warning lights in a marriage don’t blare—they blink. A missed look, a week of logistics-only chats, a date night postponed again. We sat down with our friend Mason for a real guys’ night to unpack how those signals show up during the foggy years of parenting, foster care, and busy careers—and how to act before the relationship stalls.
We start with the messy middle: long days, short years, and the temptation to live in triage where the loudest task wins. From there, we map practical habits that rebuild connection without drama. Date nights as a standing promise, not a luxury. An annual, kid-free trip where the long drive refreshes the deepest conversations. And a simple rule for better time together: for the first twenty minutes, no kid talk—only questions that open a window into who your partner is becoming.
Love languages become a game-changer, especially when stress pushes us to give love the way we like to receive it. Words of affirmation won’t land if your spouse is begging for acts of service; gifts won’t connect if quality time is starving. We share how to track hints in your notes app, put reminders on the calendar, and build small acts into your weekly rhythm so thoughtfulness scales. The theme is intentionality over intensity—less grand gestures, more repeatable patterns.
We also talk margin, identity, and honest priorities. If networking gets instant yeses and your date night struggles to land on the calendar, it’s not a time problem—it’s a value problem. Take a solo hour to ask who you’re becoming, what you’re building, and whether your schedule and spending prove it. Work backward from the future you actually want—what your spouse and kids might say about you someday—and make present-tense choices that earn those words.
If the dashboard is blinking—more silence, fewer laughs, not enough eye contact—downshift now. Start with one small change this week: a walk without phones, a five-minute nightly check-in, or a planned sitter night on repeat. Then tell us your favorite way to reconnect. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a nudge, and leave a review with the “warning light” you’re watching for. Your story might be the reminder someone else needs.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_06 (00:00):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
SPEAKER_06 (00:17):
Welcome to Baggage Claim, everybody.
If this is your first time here,thank you so much for joining
and listening in.
If you're if you've beenlistening to us and hanging with
us, uh thanks for coming back.
Um tonight is kind of adifferent night.
Uh, but before we get into that,uh, wherever you're at, whatever
you're doing, uh maybe if you'reat a place where you can grab
your favorite drink and pull upto the table uh with us as we
(00:40):
jump into some really fundiscussion tonight, because it
is different.
Um Jess is in the bed asleepright now, if that tells you
anything.
She is sound asleep, soundmachine on, lights out.
Um so we this is a guy's nighttonight.
So um she's out, and uh so wehave some guys in.
But wherever you're at, grabyour favorite drink, pull up to
(01:01):
the table, and uh welcome ourguest tonight, which I'm really
excited about, is Mason Rosel.
And so Mason and I have beenfriends for uh how many years
now?
How long has it been?
SPEAKER_02 (01:11):
Like I was talking to my kids about that actually
before I came up here, and myoldest is nine, and it's longer
than that.
So 10, 11 years.
SPEAKER_06 (01:19):
Yeah, it's probably been on 10 or 11.
We met on a retreat, uh a youthlike youth workers retreat.
We were we were just working instudent ministry or next gen or
whatever you call it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:29):
High school small group leaders.
SPEAKER_06 (01:30):
There you go.
That's exactly right.
And so we went to a retreat, wemet each other, and we hit it
off, and we've been friends eversince.
Yeah.
And so our families have beenconnected.
So um, Mason, tell us a littlebit about yourself.
Tell like wife, kids, yeah, thatthat kind of the fun fun
details.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
Yeah.
So I I joke with friends thatthat I am in the the fog of war
season of parenting right now.
And so um I've been married tomy beautiful wife, Brandy, for
12 years.
Uh, we've got four kids, uhnine, six, three, and one, two
boys and two girls.
Um yeah, it is fun and it'scrazy.
(02:08):
I've heard people say that thisis a season where the days are
long, but the years are short.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
I haven't seen the years are short part.
I'm just in the days, days arelong.
SPEAKER_06 (02:18):
It is kind of crazy.
It feels like you're like, we'renever gonna get through this.
Like it's just uh it's likegroundhog days sometimes.
SPEAKER_02 (02:25):
Just my wife Brandy has said that literally this
week, Greg.
SPEAKER_06 (02:29):
It's just like you get up and you do it over and
over and over again it's likethe movie and Bill Murray wakes
up and just smashes the alarmclock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
Some days getting the kids out of the house feels
like that.
SPEAKER_03 (02:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (02:37):
Um but yeah, we've got four kids, two boys and two
girls.
Um it's it's really cool, justkind of how um, you know, the
Lord has plans that aredifferent than ours sometimes.
And and we um we're fosterparents, and so that's kind of a
unique spin on our combinationof kids.
And so our oldest two are uhbiological.
Um, our third, we fostered andthen adopted him, and which is
(03:00):
adorable.
He is he is sweet um and awesomeand crazy as a three-year-old.
Um, and then our youngest, wejust started fostering about um
two months ago.
So, you know, figuring out whatfour looks like and uh
definitely gives me a lot morerespect for you and Jess of
making four look easy.
SPEAKER_06 (03:16):
Yeah, four, four is like a um what's crazy though is
that as they get older, whenthose four start bringing their
friends over, it like multipliesfast.
Yeah.
You like lose control really,really quick.
And you're like, hold on, wait aminute.
We're outnumbered here, way, wayoutnumbered.
So that's cool, man.
Like it's a and also too, uhcall your just did it, she just
(03:36):
had one of you, your little girlhad a uh kind of a fundraiser
thing where she got to we boughtsome cookies, we sampled some of
the four, which were amazinggood cookies.
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
So she yeah, so she's she's flinging chocolate
chip cookies now at nine yearsold.
SPEAKER_06 (03:51):
To raise money for her school.
Yeah, that's awesome.
SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
Yeah, so she's having fun with that, and uh,
we're having fun, you know,helping her learn and understand
business and and kind offiguring it that out as well.
So yeah.
That's funny.
Fun, fun season of parenting.
SPEAKER_06 (04:04):
It is.
So, Brandy, does she she likewhat does she do for work?
Is it just take care of thehousehold?
SPEAKER_02 (04:10):
Or does she I'm not she she yeah, she's my better
half in every sense of the word.
I I joke that she's got all theskill sets and I'm in sales for
work, and so I just get paid totalk to people.
Right.
Um, but she's a graphic designerand really kind of all things
creative.
Um she does a really, reallygood job of that.
But right now she's doing um aphenomenal job, you know,
raising the kids, being anamazing wife.
(04:32):
And uh yeah, I'm just doing mybest to kind of keep up and not
be the weak chain in the or weaklink in the chain.
SPEAKER_06 (04:38):
And she always has her hands in all kinds of
things, it's never just onething.
Like she's like, oh yeah, I wasdoing this, or I was doing that.
I think last time we were downthere, she was like, Oh yeah,
I'm doing these other twopart-time jobs on the on online.
And I was like, What when?
Like when do you do that?
I so like I said, I'm I'm justtrying to keep up, man.
Yeah, I agree.
Jess is the better of us.
Yeah.
She's definitely the smarterone.
SPEAKER_02 (04:59):
So we both married up and out of our league for
sure.
SPEAKER_06 (05:02):
That is true.
For sure.
And so it's funny you talk aboutyou you the the fog of things.
I was literally having aconversation with Michael, um,
our producer, just tonight, andI was like, bro, I had a weird
moment this week.
Um I was like, and it had to dowith lunchables.
And he's like, what?
And I was like, I was at Kroger.
(05:22):
Expired in a weird moment.
You're like, well, I went to theold Kroger where we used to shop
all the time.
Like we were in the thick of it.
Four, and so we would sneak offand have a date afternoon, and
we would sit at the Starbucksand we'd have coffee.
I was like, I went in and I justI don't know what it was, but I
had this nostalgic moment.
And I just sit at the tablewhere Jess and I used to have
coffee, and I was just sittingthere and I was like, man, I I
(05:44):
kind of me I really miss this.
But I was like, but I I don't.
Like, we're different.
And so I get up and I was like,I gotta, I gotta shop.
And so I go shopping, and thenI'm I'm getting groceries and
and and I stop in front of thelunchables.
And I'm just standing therestaring at them, going, and I
know people probably thought Iwas crazy because I'm just
sitting there looking at themand I was like, this was a
(06:06):
weekly discussion for Jess and Ibecause we have four kids and
they always wanted lunchables.
Three of them did, Callie didnot.
Um, and they were so expensive.
So we're like, we're not gonnabuy them this.
We'll just make them their own.
And we would have thisdiscussion every week, and I was
like, I don't know the last timeJess and I've talked about
lunchables.
I was like, I can't rememberwhen that is, but I was like,
that time went by so fast.
(06:27):
And I look at it and I was like,we're different people now.
Like we we don't have those sameconversations, we don't have
those same struggles or hurts.
They're different.
And but at the same time, it'slike just life moves and we
change.
We become different people.
We become not in a bad way, wejust evolve.
You know, you got four kids, youare in the fog of war.
(06:49):
Like you're you're at it.
I mean, when you get up in themorning, it's go time.
Yeah, kids getting dressed,going to school.
SPEAKER_02 (06:54):
So yeah, sometimes in the morning they come to you
before you're ready for themorning, too, which is always
interesting.
Um I don't know how you and Jessare, but like uh for Brandy and
I, like she's a morning person.
She's up in the morning, like atthe gym.
She knows that she's got to havethat like time herself to make
sure that she's you knowfiguring out.
But it's weird, you know.
I feel like I'm I'm getting upearlier and earlier just to like
(07:17):
kind of make sure that I'mstarting not up against the
ropes.
Right.
SPEAKER_06 (07:20):
So it's like I get my feet under me before we
start.
Exactly.
Jess gets frustrated to mebecause when the alarm goes off,
I get out of bed and I'm like,whoo, let's do it.
Let's attack this day.
And she's not, mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
I want to be like you when I grow up.
I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_06 (07:30):
It's like I'm gonna have coffee and I don't want to
talk.
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
I'm more like her.
SPEAKER_06 (07:34):
I don't know how that uh how it got that way.
But uh so tonight I want us toto talk about something that we
as men, I don't know how manymen we have.
I know we have some that listento the podcast, um, but we're
not talking about guns or war orany fun things.
We can.
I mean I mean, yeah, we may getthere.
Uh we may get there to somethingreally cool at uh at some time.
(07:56):
But in relationships and amarriage, like we're fixers.
So anytime the wife comes to us,we're like, oh, we want to fix
that.
We always want to fix.
And sometimes it's it's notmeant for us to fix, sometimes
it is.
But I want us to be to talkabout and think about being
proactive in um ourrelationships.
And you and I were talking backand forth and texting about I
(08:18):
was like, kind of think of it asa sense, I think of it in the
sense of um Jess or I one ofthem called them the emojis that
pop up on your dash when theylight up.
She's like, oh, look, the engineemoji is on.
Yeah.
Uh what does that mean?
I was like, it's usually not agreat thing.
Yeah.
Um check engine light.
Yeah.
It's like the and so we havethese lights and warning signals
that that pop off in our car totell us when something's wrong
(08:41):
before something else goesreally bad.
Yeah.
Um, so tonight I want us to kindof dig into and talk about what
are those in marriage?
What do those look like?
And how do we, you may be like,bro, I have no idea.
Okay, so how do we find those?
Yeah.
Uh what are those for you andBrandy uh over the years, being
married, uh, as long as you havewith kids, what are those
(09:02):
warning signs that pop up, thosethings that happen that just
kind of say, you know, whatwhat's happening?
Yeah, what is there somethingwrong?
Do we need to, do we need toassess?
Do we need to to take care ofthis before?
Because sometimes we if youignore those warning signals and
just keep going, your car'sgonna break down, it's not gonna
work.
And it may be too late to fixit.
So it's like marriage is thesame way.
(09:24):
Like, what do we do?
How do we fix it?
SPEAKER_02 (09:26):
So Yeah.
I you know, I think that youknow, that that's kind of my
initial thought when it comes tothose warning signs is um you
get a heads up, but you don'tknow how long that heads up is
gonna be.
Um and so um you you may haveheard that that kind of
lighthearted phrase aroundprocrastination that if you wait
(09:46):
till the last minute, it onlytakes a minute.
That is not the case in myexperience with marriage and
some of those warning signs.
Yeah.
And so I think what's so tough,depending on you know, your
marriage and just the season oflife that you're in, like um,
like we're in a season right nowthat like busyness seems to be
um just like at our doorstepevery single day.
(10:09):
And it's just it's a lot.
Um, I'm in my mid-30s and youknow, it just seems like the
demands of work and marriage andkids and like trying to figure
it out, you know, you know, ifyou're religious, like what that
looks like in your community,it's like it's all happening all
at once.
Yeah.
And I remember sitting, um, kindof having this epiphany one at
(10:30):
some point when I was thinkingabout work.
And if I just look at work, mymarriage, and being a dad, if
I'm giving a hundred percent airquotes here to those, that's
really only 33% for each, right?
Right.
I would fire myself.
Like, yeah, like, oh, yeah, likeI'm giving it all to my
marriage, which is 33%.
SPEAKER_06 (10:48):
Yeah, if you told Brandy, like, yeah, hey, babe,
I'm gonna give you 33% just todo that.
SPEAKER_02 (10:52):
Get every bit of my 34%.
Yeah, hard pass.
Hard pass on that.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
Like, no, thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (10:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:58):
Um, so when I think about that, you know, I I think
the main thing, and you alreadysaid it, it's like you need to
be aware of it.
And, you know, I I think is umsometimes um we fall into the
temptation of just like gettinginto a rhythm of life where it's
it's really just like a firedrill activity or or a triage
situation.
So whatever is like the loudestor the most in our face, that's
(11:20):
what gets our attention.
SPEAKER_03 (11:22):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (11:22):
Um, and you've got to go back, especially when you
throw kids and and other justcompeting demands in the mix, in
my opinion.
And I'm by the way, yeah, forlisteners or just for our
relationship, like I'm notsaying I gotta have this right.
This is just what my dumb selffumbling through it for 12 years
of marriage, it looks like.
Um, you need to make sure thatyou remember like where the
marriage needs to sit.
SPEAKER_03 (11:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:43):
And I've heard you guys talk on the podcast and
even just as friends beforeabout like not falling into the
temptation or trap of likeallowing your kids to be put
first and foremost over themarriage.
SPEAKER_03 (11:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:54):
And um your kids were probably way better at
this, but my kids are are loud,Greg.
It's like have you been around,man?
Yeah.
Okay, they're dad, dad, dad,dad.
It's like, stop.
SPEAKER_06 (12:06):
Yeah.
You know, and can I have fiveminutes where you don't say my
name?
Yeah.
You don't say that.
SPEAKER_02 (12:12):
And depending on how you're wired, you know, if
you're an extrovert, introvert,like, you know, some of us, you
know, my wife needs some spaceand some time with like quiet
to, you know, to decompress.
And so anyway, I'm I'm talkingabout this in a roundabout way,
but the idea is that like forme, I need to be to be like my
best self and be aware of thosewarning signs.
(12:33):
Like, I need to make sure thatI'm still looking at the dash
and not just looking around inin the car and like just
figuring out like, hey guys, youknow, here's a snack.
Like, be like be aware of thosethings.
Yeah.
And and don't think that someoneelse is going to like address
those or it'll just take care ofitself.
SPEAKER_06 (12:47):
So how do you and how do you and Brandy with I
mean, with your crazy schedules?
Yes.
Um, and you guys are different.
It's it's so crazy because yourwife is so much like my wife,
and you and I are so much alike.
So when we get together, it'sreally easy to hang out because
they kind of connect tothemselves and we do.
Uh, and we're kind of thatsales, you know, we'll just talk
(13:08):
to we'll talk to anybody.
And so we're just over thereyapping, and they just maybe
just sitting just quietly, justhanging out together and
enjoying every minute of it.
Exactly.
Um, how do you guys in themoment being different people,
the schedules, the craziness,the work, how do you find time
or or where are you finding timejust to to to have that moment
(13:29):
of quiet peace together?
Like where have you guys found asolution yet?
Are you still looking for it?
SPEAKER_02 (13:35):
Um I don't think in the seasonal life that I'm in,
you'll just organically findtime.
Right.
So it it's the it's the maketime approach.
Yep.
Um something that has been apriority for us, but has not
always been followed throughwith actions, but something that
that just, you know,transparently I'm trying to get
better at is making that timefor the date nights.
(13:58):
Um date nights are not a cure,but if you're not having them
regularly, I found, especiallyif you're someone like me that's
like married their opposite, youknow, personality type and
whatnot, you can kind of get inthis position where you're
you're almost like ships passingin the night.
And I think a kind of jumpingahead a little bit of like a
warning sign that I was thinkingabout before we talked was like,
(14:19):
you don't want to be in asituation, or I don't want to be
in a situation, my marriage,where I'm like, I feel like I'm
coworkers with my spouse.
And it's like you handle this, Ihandle that.
But there's almost like anunhealthy level of independence
between the two of you.
SPEAKER_06 (14:33):
You become you become roommates.
Yeah.
And it's like you don't need mefor this.
Yeah, we're just I've got it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:38):
Type thing.
SPEAKER_03 (14:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:39):
And so those date nights have been really
life-giving for us because it'sallowed us to like take the time
to kind of reconnect.
Sometimes you guys sit there fora little bit and just be like,
what the heck is going on thisweek?
SPEAKER_06 (14:50):
Yeah.
You know, and then also too,because what what was crazy for
that is like I think theintentionality is so, so key in
in marriage and and in anyrelationship.
Like, if you're not intentionalwith your time, it's gonna go
somewhere.
Yeah.
And it's not gonna go where youwant it to go.
Um, but I think even then, likebeing intentional even in your
conversations, like we've donethat.
(15:11):
We go on a date, we're justlike, man, wow.
What a week.
It's like, okay, we're gonnaspend the next 20 minutes, we're
not gonna talk about kids.
Uh let's talk about I want totalk about you.
I want to I want to hear aboutyou.
I want to hear about somethingfor you.
Like, tell me, tell me somethingyou've been thinking about.
Tell me something that's goingon with you right now.
(15:33):
Um because it's easy when youhave four kids and they are
wanting your time, it's easy touh to be so focused on that that
that becomes even on a datenight.
Hey, we spent our entire datenight together and we talked
about our kids the whole time.
And it's not bad, I'm not sayingit's a terrible thing, but I'm
just saying if you're notintentional about spending some
(15:55):
quality time with your spousetalking to her about what she's
after, what she's going through,you're never gonna see those
warning signs.
You're not gonna because you mayhear them through something that
she says.
Um and so it's just just beingable to just listen and be
intentional with that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:10):
So maybe maybe another way of putting that, um,
and I agree, is just that ideathat your spouse is more than
maybe the role that they'replaying right now in your
marriage.
And so there will come a time,and I've heard you guys talk
about it, and you'reexperiencing this now, right?
SPEAKER_04 (16:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:25):
Where the kids, if you've done your job well, will
move up and out.
SPEAKER_03 (16:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:31):
Right.
Yeah.
And so um, you don't have tohave kids.
You know, if you're listening tothis and you don't have kids,
you know, maybe it's work thathas kind of become that just
all-consuming busyness.
Yeah.
And it, you know, if you're notintentional about it, like you
said, it can just kind of creepin.
But the idea is for me, um, andagain, I don't do this well all
the time.
I'm trying, I'm trying to figurethis out.
(16:51):
But if I'm not careful, the easything to be is talk about how
crazy the kids are or how crazywork is, like whatever.
But that's not the reason yougot married to your wife or your
husband.
Yeah, because they they're gonnaleave.
SPEAKER_06 (17:02):
Yeah, they're gonna leave.
SPEAKER_02 (17:03):
The kids will go, the job will change, you know,
that project you're working onwill come to completion, or you
know, whatever.
But trying to figure out a waythat's like you can know the
person.
And so I think the date nightsare important.
We've also, this is something weit's harder to do, but we have
done a good job of this.
It's obviously much lessregular, but I would say
probably once a year we've takena kid free trip.
(17:27):
And we have been so fortunate tohave like parents or friends or
whatever like help out and makethat a reality.
SPEAKER_03 (17:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:36):
And those are the times, because like for me, you
know, a two-hour date night, youmight not be able to like get
past the brain fog.
SPEAKER_03 (17:43):
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:44):
But we've laughed at the fact that like if we drive
down to the beach and like wherewe live is you know, five to six
hours to the beach, right?
SPEAKER_03 (17:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
In that drive, when there are not kids constantly
just berating you with questionsof where, you know, are we there
yet?
I'm hungry, I've got a pee, etcetera, et cetera.
Yeah, you you have some of thedeepest conversations that we
didn't have since we were datingback in the day.
So that's been another like justpractical.
Again, when you see some ofthose warning signs, like these
are things to alleviate that.
(18:11):
But we can we can talk moreabout whatever we're doing.
SPEAKER_06 (18:13):
What's even fun too?
Like I remember the very firsttrip we went on, we call it an
adult trip that we went to thebeach with like four or five
other couples once a year.
They were in a big house.
We would all go.
I remember we get up in themorning and I just look at Jess
and be like, hey, I got yourstuff to the beach.
She's like, No, I can take it.
But I'm used to going with allthe kids carrying like the pack
(18:33):
mule.
Yeah, the job of everything.
Everything.
I was like, oh, I can tote yourchair.
Like, that's not a big deal.
And it was just so crazy to goand be like, set two chairs up
and be like, okay, so now whatdo I do?
Like, what do we do now?
Like, we just hang out?
Like, what do we just take?
And so it was really fun, but sorefreshing.
I'd say anything you can do,that's a that's a huge, huge
(18:54):
plus in marriage, is to takesome time and just go be with
them.
Whether it's the beach, whetherit's the mountains, whatever
that looks like for you guys.
That's a yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_02 (19:03):
Yeah, I think the destination is an it doesn't
really matter.
You can just drive.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly.
Yeah, that's true.
It's just that time to reconnectand to kind of refind yourself
um as a couple and individually,and just like clear cle, you
know, clear the clear the brainfog that happens from just the
the groundhog day routine thatwe find ourselves in.
SPEAKER_06 (19:22):
Because you're gonna have that lunchable moment too,
one day.
Yeah.
You're gonna be standing atCroger going, hmm, when's the
last time we talked about that?
When's the last time I did that?
And so it's it's when you lookback on it, it's so bro, it's so
different from when you're init.
Like you're in it and you'relike, I'm not thinking about
that.
Does everybody have food?
Yeah.
Like is everybody eating lunch?
Like, uh was lunch paid?
(19:44):
Like, is are we all good?
So it's hard.
I I realize and understand it'sreally hard to just not even hit
the brakes, but just take yourfoot off the gas pedal for a
minute and just be like, allright, maybe I don't have to run
wide open all the time.
But uh you know, I get that it'shard.
So finding it, I I agree.
I don't think you find it, Ithink you have to decide and
(20:04):
make and make that intention toto go get it.
Yeah, where's that time?
Where's that stuff?
Let's go get it.
100%, man.
All right.
So tell me uh if I was justsaying for you guys, man, what's
one thing in the 11 years forkids?
What's been one of those thingsthat's been like, dude, if I've
(20:25):
known this from the beginning, Iwould have been implementing
this in my relationship or mymarriage.
Do you have one of those kind ofnuggets that's there to just be
like, bro, this is somethingthat I wish I would have done
all along?
SPEAKER_02 (20:38):
Yeah.
That's such a great question,Greg.
Um So for us, and again, let mejust be clear.
Um, if you any personality uhtests you take, Brandy and I are
opposites.
Like does not matter.
We have done them all.
And it's just like she couldjust take them and I would say,
okay, what's the oppositequadrant?
That's me, right?
Save you some time, babe.
Um, yeah, exactly.
(20:59):
Yeah.
Um if you're familiar with thethe love languages, um, that is
something that I wish that Iknew about.
SPEAKER_06 (21:10):
What are what are yours?
SPEAKER_02 (21:11):
So if you're not familiar with the love
languages, it's just kind ofthis idea, and you can add color
and context to this is very highlevel.
Um, but just the idea that thereare different ways that we give
and receive love.
And the way that I would explainit in a marriage is there are
certain things that when theyare given to you, really fill
your bucket up.
Yeah.
Where you're just like, you gotthe confidence, you got the you
(21:32):
know, win at your back, likethis is awesome.
And then there are other thingsthat it's just like, man, you
know, nice to have.
I think at the end of the day,we need all of them, but there
are definitely ones that are ourleaders in just the way that
we're wired that make a bigdifference.
SPEAKER_06 (21:46):
So you got uh words of affirmation, words of
affirmation, uh, acts ofservice, acts of service, gifts,
gifts, physical touch, physicaltouch, and quality time.
SPEAKER_02 (21:54):
Quality touch.
There's five.
Gotcha.
Yep.
And so for myself, my number oneis words of affirmation, my
number two is physical touch.
For Brandy, her number one isacts of service, and her number
two is gifts.
So yet another assessment wherewe're opposites.
SPEAKER_06 (22:11):
There you go.
SPEAKER_02 (22:11):
Here's the interesting thing that I wish I
would have known and has likereally been like an eye-opener
for me.
You need to know where yourspouse kind of falls in that
type of environment.
SPEAKER_03 (22:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:24):
And you need to make sure that you're proactive at
giving love in that way.
Right.
Well, dumb Ace and that makessense.
But if it's not your go-to whenthe busyness creeps in, when
work gets crazy, when the kidsare noisy and you know, the ball
schedule's insane, you're gonnarevert to the way that you give
and receive love.
SPEAKER_03 (22:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:43):
So I'm gonna tell her, because I'm words of
affirmation, you're you're sucha good mom.
You look beautiful today.
You know, I I am so proud of youfor blah, blah.
That's like womp, womp.
You know, nice to have for her.
Will you freaking load thedishwasher, man?
Yeah.
Like it'd be great if you do thelaundry.
Right.
But that does not come naturallyto me, and it's not something
that I'm like thinking aboutnaturally because it's not how I
(23:05):
receive love.
Right.
And so um, someone much wiserthan me said that a healthy
marriage is like a race to theback of the line where you're
trying to like serve the otherperson.
And you know, biblically we talkabout the fact that like you
don't keep record, you know,which I think is very sound
advice for marriage.
Right.
And so when it comes to likelove languages and things like
that, it's what can I do and howcan I be proactive to in my
(23:29):
case, doing acts of service forBrandy that shows her what I
would want to be told about mein a way, like how I'd want to
be affirmed.
SPEAKER_03 (23:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:41):
But the way that I serve the in the way that I'm
like and and and here's the thekicker.
And marriage is hard, right?
Yeah, yeah.
That's not easy for me to dobecause it's not my natural
thing.
But if I would have known thatin year two, three, four, or
five of marriage, I would haveprobably de-escalated a lot of
like tense situations where I'mjust like, you know, why are we
like so short with each other?
(24:01):
Like, what's going on?
Yeah, why are you mad?
Yeah.
What's going on?
Yeah.
As guys, as we try to solve thatever-changing Rubik's cube that
is our wives, like that wassomething that's really helpful
for me.
SPEAKER_06 (24:11):
Yeah, because you're trying to figure out your wife,
you know.
So she's just like, how do younot know this?
SPEAKER_02 (24:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (24:15):
Like Jess's is words of affirmation and gifts.
SPEAKER_02 (24:18):
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 (24:18):
And she always just laughs and she goes, Just tell
me I'm pretty and give mesomething.
unknown (24:22):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (24:22):
And I'm like, okay.
And I forget You got an easy oneon your own.
Yeah, I forget that from time totime because but then just today
she sends me a text.
It's just this incredibly sweet,thoughtful text about our
relationship.
And it was just I'm provoked.
Like I'm I'm I'm literally umsitting on a bathtub recalking
(24:45):
this bathtub.
So I'm digging this nasty crap.
And she sends this text.
I'm like, man, the first thingwent through my mind is like,
oh, that's so sweet.
And I was like, that's her lovelanguage.
And I was like, crap, I haven'tbeen doing a good job at that.
So immediately went to, I needto do more of that for her
because that's what she hears,that's what she feels, that's
(25:05):
what she connects with.
SPEAKER_02 (25:06):
Yeah.
Um, and that and that's aninteresting point.
And I think something like asguys, as we're trying to solve,
I joke with the Ruby SQ, buttrying to solve it is like, how
can we do a better job of likebeing aware of it and taking the
first step?
Because if we're not going tokeep record, then it doesn't
matter who like acts first, butit kind of does.
Like, let's be the ones thatlike start that.
SPEAKER_06 (25:25):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (25:25):
Um, and that's where I'm often dropping the ball.
SPEAKER_06 (25:28):
Yeah.
And it wasn't like a bad thing,like just like, oh crap.
I beat myself up a lot of timesbecause even even for us, we
just get busy in life.
I mean, even without kids, weyou you're gonna find something
to fill your time.
Like you, you will.
If it's not kids, it'll be work,it'll be something else.
Uh so it's almost like you'regonna find it.
(25:48):
So even once they go, like ifyou're saying, I can't do it now
because I have kids, you're notgonna do it when you don't have
kids either.
So it's one of those steps liketake it now and do that and
figure it out.
And so I think that's good.
I think it's good stuff.
Wow.
It's not easy.
Um because it's a relationshipand relationships of work.
SPEAKER_02 (26:08):
Yeah.
Have you heard that?
Um, I think it's a Maxwellquote.
It's something to the effect oflike the things that are most
worthwhile are uphill.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (26:15):
Actually, we talked about that in a um couple weeks
ago.
SPEAKER_02 (26:19):
I heard it was butchered the quote, but that's
like a marriage.
SPEAKER_06 (26:23):
I I heard and and um because when I worked at
Twelfthone, we would hearMaxwell like all the time.
Oh yeah.
Like he he would do, and so buthe said that that was one quote
he said to me that just that notto me personally, but we're in a
small group, and he said that,and I was just like, Oh, that's
so true.
Like, everything worthwhile isuphill.
He's like, because then he saidthe analogy goes, tell me
(26:44):
something you've done that waseasy.
And I was like, hmm.
He's like, okay, now tell mesomething you did that was
really hard and challenging.
And I was like, Oh, I had likethree things pop in my head.
He goes, see, you it's it you'llremember those.
The easy things, you're justlike, oh yeah, I don't I don't
remember that.
Right.
And so it's it's so true.
But all right.
Well, man, love languages.
(27:06):
Um, that's a good it's a goodone.
It's been around forever, too.
There's a book out there.
Who who wrote that book?
Who was it that wrote the fivelanguages?
It's Gary something.
Yes, it may be.
Just type in five love languagesand it's not a good one.
Fact check me on that, don'tyeah.
I didn't come prepared with mynotes.
Yeah.
Like right on my arm.
Yeah.
Hop on Eva's audience, type infive love languages.
(27:27):
There's probably like workbooksupon workbooks, and um, you can
probably, but it's prettysimple.
It's not just got mad at mebecause uh we took the test and
mine came back and they were allI scored the same on every
single one of them.
And she got so frustrated.
I mean, she goes, just pick, shegoes, why can't you just pick
one?
And just and I was like, babe,that's easy.
(27:47):
Just do any of those five thingsand I'll be happy.
And she's like, I don't believethat.
I was like, oh, there arecertain things that I gravitate
to more, but I'm just like,yeah, I'm not I'm not a words of
affirmation that's not huge onmy list, or I'm not a gifts guy.
So it's like So it is differentfrom her perfectly.
It is different from her becauseI'm like, you don't have to tell
me, you know, how how great Iam.
(28:09):
I guess uh I was like, but youdon't have to buy me anything.
Like I don't ever buy myself,but she buys me things often.
Yeah.
Um, she bought me something notlong ago, and she goes, I just
thought I thought you would likethat.
And I was like, I actually dolike it was a golf hat with
Bigfoot, uh golfing.
That sounds like you had to.
Yeah, I was like, I shouldreally like that hat.
Thank you.
And so uh, but I would I wouldnever buy it for myself.
(28:31):
Um, but so she knows that.
So it's the whole knowing, it'snot just knowing.
And I think that's the crazypart too, even about personality
tests.
People take a personality testand they want to say, know who
you are.
And I was like, that's good, butthe the the better part is
knowing the person that you'rewith in the relationship,
knowing who they are, how theyoperate, how they work.
(28:52):
Uh, because when you'recommunicating with them or
you're doing life with them,like knowing how they work makes
a huge difference because yousee that everything through your
lens, yeah, not through theirs.
SPEAKER_02 (29:02):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (29:03):
And so being able to flip that.
SPEAKER_02 (29:04):
So I I think with that too, something that I have
struggled with, and like evenjust in this season, trying to
figure out and articulate likewhat's the root issue that I'm
I'm trying to like move awayfrom.
But knowing your spouse justlike any relationship takes
work.
It's not like a static point intime.
Um and knowing what they needand and like you know, deepening
(29:26):
that is so important and such aworthwhile pursuit.
Yeah, but one of the ugly sidesof busyness that we allow to
creep in also is that lack ofmargin.
And people's brains work indifferent ways, but like for me,
if I don't have enough margin tokind of have that mental
bandwidth to like pivot andthink about that, it's like I'm
(29:47):
just my brain is just jumping tothe next thing to the next thing
to the next thing.
And I miss some of thoseprobably like really small, but
those small things becomecumulative opportunities.
Um to have the time to likepursue her and and like figure
that out and and and see thosewarning signs.
And so that's where it's um youknow, just kind of trying to be
(30:11):
accountable.
Like for me, it's like, well,you see the light on the
dashboard, but how long, howlong has it been on?
You know, right?
SPEAKER_06 (30:19):
Yeah, have I just not noticed it?
SPEAKER_02 (30:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And and am I living my life in away that like I'm able to react
to it pretty immediately?
Right.
Or is it like, oh shoot, it'son, but like I'm going 80 miles
an hour down the freeway and Ican't exit right now.
SPEAKER_06 (30:32):
Yeah.
No, I agree.
I'd say you you made astatement.
Oh, go ahead.
You want to say something, Mike?
SPEAKER_01 (30:37):
Yeah, no, I had a question for you.
Um, just as far as you you'retalking about, you know, in the
craziness, the busyness of life,it can be hard to remember these
things.
You know, so how do you prep forthat?
Uh whether whether it be prep orwhether it be a uh a working on
yourself to have a mental shiftto be able to think of it more
(30:57):
just naturally.
But for listeners who either onefeel like they're in that
busyness of life and they're notaware, not aware that they're
missing working on whether it belove languages or being that
initiating thing to theirspouse.
Yeah.
Um, what do you take that helpsyou be consistent in that?
Like anything from prep work tosetting reminders on your phone
(31:19):
or or whatever that is for you.
SPEAKER_02 (31:21):
Yeah.
That's a great question,Michael.
So I'm I, as I go through morelife, I become keenly aware of
the way that I'm wired and thestrengths and weaknesses of
that.
And so um I married someonewho's very organized and I'm
not.
And so the practical things thatI do that have been helpful.
Um, you know, I'm I'm in thebusiness world and so I live and
die kind of by the calendar.
(31:42):
And so kind of I hate this term,but like I calendarized things
in like our relationship alsoand like reminders and things to
like check in and follow up on.
Um brand gifts being importantto Brandy, and Brandy celebrates
people so well.
And so I feel this like pressurebuild every time it was like
Mother's Day or an anniversary,or like, I'm gonna fumble, yeah,
fumble again.
(32:03):
And so in my notes, in my in myin my phone, I have like tried
to be a better listener and payattention.
You know, her her birthday is umin October.
And you know, she might drophints in March.
But if I don't write those downin March, October's gonna come
and I'm gonna freak out and I'mgonna be that lame gift card
husband, where it's like, I loveyou, but it's like gift cards
(32:25):
doesn't say that, buddy.
SPEAKER_04 (32:26):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (32:26):
Um, and so those are some practical things that I do.
Um, and then I think the otherthing that is just like I've had
to kind of take a long look inthe mirror is how many like
business or professional ornetworking or whatever things
have I like said yes to quicklyversus like how hard do I find
it to schedule a date night?
And that's something where it'slike tough love to myself, but
(32:49):
like my priorities might be outof whack there.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (32:53):
Well, yeah, that's made as guys, that's it, that's
always a struggle.
I feel like that's a strugglefor every dude out there who's
listening because sometimes it'sso easy just to throw yourself
into work.
Yeah.
And that becomes our identity.
So many times just becomes whowe are.
And that that's not even way,way more than that.
Um, but it just becomes thenatural thing.
(33:14):
We're like, no, no, no, I can dothat.
I'm gonna do that well.
And we just throw ourselves intoit.
It's like, bro, yeah, that'sthat's not the answer.
Maybe like um, we were justtalking about, I was like, dude,
I think it's uh my whole momentat Kroger the other day just
made me really just kind of stopand look at and kind of think
and reflect.
And I was like, they're soimportant for for people, for
(33:36):
men.
I was like, I would encouragesomeone to take time, get away,
and just maybe if it's even likea few days or a day or whatever,
and just maybe sit in somespace, some quietness.
Like don't have your phone,maybe go out.
I connect outside.
So it's like go outsidesomewhere, sit down, maybe get a
pen and pencil, and just I knowthat's crazy, but I was like,
(33:59):
figure out what do you want tobe about.
Like, what do you want your lifeto look like?
What do you want your family tolook like?
Is it about a job?
Do you want to make money?
Do you want to be like, what isit you're chasing?
What do you want to be about?
And then go be focused on doingthat when you leave.
Like if it's with and thencreate space in your life, like
(34:20):
around it.
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
Yeah, your calendar and your priorities and what you
say yes and no to reflect that.
SPEAKER_06 (34:24):
Because the reality is if you're honest with
yourself and you look at yourlife right now, your calendar
and your checkbook are gonnatell you what's important to
you.
Uh and so it's like looking atthose things and taking a step
back and go, what do I reallywant to be about?
Because you're gonna turnaround, blink, and you're gonna
be 15 years down the road.
Yeah, 10 years down the road.
And you're like, wait a minute.
(34:44):
Right.
Like that what happened to thelast 10 years?
Did I get done what I wanted todo?
Did I get to pour into my kidswhat I want to pour into them?
SPEAKER_02 (34:52):
Or did I just show up 10 years later?
Yeah.
I I think that the C so I jokedkind of at the beginning of the
episode about like the fog ofwar.
I've had conversations with alot of guys that are in kind of
that 30, mid-30s, mid-40s likerange right now.
And um, I think we've talkedabout this before, but I was a
part of this group, um, like adiscipleship group, that did a
(35:13):
really cool exercise where itwas this whole idea of like
writing your own eulogy.
And if you're thinking aboutworking backwards from like,
what do you want said at theend?
And who do you want to be in theroom?
Yeah, saying what?
And the that real intangiblepressure that I feel sitting
(35:34):
here at 35 is I feel likeeverything is hard all at once,
it's all worthwhile, blah, blah,blah.
But this is the make or breakseason.
SPEAKER_03 (35:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (35:43):
And so, like, I love that we're talking about the the
warning lights, but I I think, Ithink kind of like as a takeaway
or challenge for all of us asmen, is like it's easy to say,
it's hard to do.
SPEAKER_05 (35:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (35:55):
Um, and so figuring out, like, to your point, what
are those things that we canwork backwards from to make sure
that we we arrive to thedestination that we want to and
not just show up like on theside of the road somewhere and
be like, well, that was that wasweird.
Yeah.
That's quite a right.
SPEAKER_06 (36:11):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's just say I I told Jess,um, I was like, I got a text
from Thomas.
He was like, What are you doing?
I was up late last night and heworks at the fire station.
So he's like up sometimes in themiddle of the night, and he
texts me and he's like, What areyou doing Thursday?
And I had I have a job that I'mI'm working on uh remodeling
some of the a house, and I Ireally need to be there working.
(36:32):
And I was like, I'm not reallysure what you what you got
planned.
He goes, You want to go dovehunting?
Because we had a we baited adove field on some family land,
he and I did a couple weeksback, and this past Saturday was
opening, and we didn't gobecause we just didn't.
We watched football and hungout.
And uh he's like, You want to godove hunting?
And I was like, it took me aminute.
I thought about it, I was like,man, I really need to do this
(36:52):
job, I need to work.
And I was like, absolutely, I'dlove to go.
And I'm like, that job will bethere.
And I was like, how many moretimes am I gonna get the
opportunity to go say yes tothat?
Uh, how many more times is hegonna ask me to go do that?
And I'm like, so yeah, I'm gonnasay yes to that.
Like it's gonna cost me, but Iin my mind, I've got to be.
It's worth the cost.
Yeah, that costs.
(37:13):
It's worth the cost.
That's an easy, that's an easypayoff.
And then we're gonna have ablast.
We're gonna shoot some guns.
Yeah.
So we're gonna have fun in theprocess.
So it's like, uh, yeah,absolutely.
So I think there's there'salways that.
Well, we're at a point wherewe're 35 minutes in.
I don't, I don't want us to, Idon't want to cut us off.
So what we're gonna do is we'regonna kind of again, it's
different, you know, and it's apodcast.
(37:34):
We can do whatever the heck wewant to.
So um we're gonna take a WildWest out here.
We're just doing it as we go.
Do it from the Jess is gonna belike, what in the world?
SPEAKER_02 (37:43):
Why did you let him on the podcast?
We're on this upper trajectory.
SPEAKER_06 (37:49):
I didn't have notes and you didn't follow the
notebook.
That's what's wrong.
This is my nightmare.
SPEAKER_04 (37:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (37:54):
So we're gonna take a break and we're gonna um we're
gonna come back in and this maybe we may do a part two, or it
may be just a really extendedone, but we're just gonna take a
break.
Um and and then jump back intothis conversation.
So if you want to hear more ofit, you can uh catch the next
one.
But uh are you good with that?
Are we good with that?
Can we do that?
Yeah, I guess we can do whateverwe want.
(38:15):
So thanks, guys, and uh catch usto hear the end of this as we
jump back into some more reallycool guy stuff.
Thanks for listening.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
SPEAKER_06 (00:17):
Welcome to Baggage Claim, everybody.
If this is your first time here,thank you so much for joining
and listening in.
If you're if you've beenlistening to us and hanging with
us, uh thanks for coming back.
Um tonight is kind of adifferent night.
Uh, but before we get into that,uh, wherever you're at, whatever
you're doing, uh maybe if you'reat a place where you can grab
your favorite drink and pull upto the table uh with us as we
(00:40):
jump into some really fundiscussion tonight, because it
is different.
Um Jess is in the bed asleepright now, if that tells you
anything.
She is sound asleep, soundmachine on, lights out.
Um so we this is a guy's nighttonight.
So um she's out, and uh so wehave some guys in.
But wherever you're at, grabyour favorite drink, pull up to
(01:01):
the table, and uh welcome ourguest tonight, which I'm really
excited about, is Mason Rosel.
And so Mason and I have beenfriends for uh how many years
now?
How long has it been?
SPEAKER_02 (01:11):
Like I was talking to my kids about that actually
before I came up here, and myoldest is nine, and it's longer
than that.
So 10, 11 years.
SPEAKER_06 (01:19):
Yeah, it's probably been on 10 or 11.
We met on a retreat, uh a youthlike youth workers retreat.
We were we were just working instudent ministry or next gen or
whatever you call it.
SPEAKER_02 (01:29):
High school small group leaders.
SPEAKER_06 (01:30):
There you go.
That's exactly right.
And so we went to a retreat, wemet each other, and we hit it
off, and we've been friends eversince.
Yeah.
And so our families have beenconnected.
So um, Mason, tell us a littlebit about yourself.
Tell like wife, kids, yeah, thatthat kind of the fun fun
details.
SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
Yeah.
So I I joke with friends thatthat I am in the the fog of war
season of parenting right now.
And so um I've been married tomy beautiful wife, Brandy, for
12 years.
Uh, we've got four kids, uhnine, six, three, and one, two
boys and two girls.
Um yeah, it is fun and it'scrazy.
(02:08):
I've heard people say that thisis a season where the days are
long, but the years are short.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
I haven't seen the years are short part.
I'm just in the days, days arelong.
SPEAKER_06 (02:18):
It is kind of crazy.
It feels like you're like, we'renever gonna get through this.
Like it's just uh it's likegroundhog days sometimes.
SPEAKER_02 (02:25):
Just my wife Brandy has said that literally this
week, Greg.
SPEAKER_06 (02:29):
It's just like you get up and you do it over and
over and over again it's likethe movie and Bill Murray wakes
up and just smashes the alarmclock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:34):
Some days getting the kids out of the house feels
like that.
SPEAKER_03 (02:37):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (02:37):
Um but yeah, we've got four kids, two boys and two
girls.
Um it's it's really cool, justkind of how um, you know, the
Lord has plans that aredifferent than ours sometimes.
And and we um we're fosterparents, and so that's kind of a
unique spin on our combinationof kids.
And so our oldest two are uhbiological.
Um, our third, we fostered andthen adopted him, and which is
(03:00):
adorable.
He is he is sweet um and awesomeand crazy as a three-year-old.
Um, and then our youngest, wejust started fostering about um
two months ago.
So, you know, figuring out whatfour looks like and uh
definitely gives me a lot morerespect for you and Jess of
making four look easy.
SPEAKER_06 (03:16):
Yeah, four, four is like a um what's crazy though is
that as they get older, whenthose four start bringing their
friends over, it like multipliesfast.
Yeah.
You like lose control really,really quick.
And you're like, hold on, wait aminute.
We're outnumbered here, way, wayoutnumbered.
So that's cool, man.
Like it's a and also too, uhcall your just did it, she just
(03:36):
had one of you, your little girlhad a uh kind of a fundraiser
thing where she got to we boughtsome cookies, we sampled some of
the four, which were amazinggood cookies.
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
So she yeah, so she's she's flinging chocolate
chip cookies now at nine yearsold.
SPEAKER_06 (03:51):
To raise money for her school.
Yeah, that's awesome.
SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
Yeah, so she's having fun with that, and uh,
we're having fun, you know,helping her learn and understand
business and and kind offiguring it that out as well.
So yeah.
That's funny.
Fun, fun season of parenting.
SPEAKER_06 (04:04):
It is.
So, Brandy, does she she likewhat does she do for work?
Is it just take care of thehousehold?
SPEAKER_02 (04:10):
Or does she I'm not she she yeah, she's my better
half in every sense of the word.
I I joke that she's got all theskill sets and I'm in sales for
work, and so I just get paid totalk to people.
Right.
Um, but she's a graphic designerand really kind of all things
creative.
Um she does a really, reallygood job of that.
But right now she's doing um aphenomenal job, you know,
raising the kids, being anamazing wife.
(04:32):
And uh yeah, I'm just doing mybest to kind of keep up and not
be the weak chain in the or weaklink in the chain.
SPEAKER_06 (04:38):
And she always has her hands in all kinds of
things, it's never just onething.
Like she's like, oh yeah, I wasdoing this, or I was doing that.
I think last time we were downthere, she was like, Oh yeah,
I'm doing these other twopart-time jobs on the on online.
And I was like, What when?
Like when do you do that?
I so like I said, I'm I'm justtrying to keep up, man.
Yeah, I agree.
Jess is the better of us.
Yeah.
She's definitely the smarterone.
SPEAKER_02 (04:59):
So we both married up and out of our league for
sure.
SPEAKER_06 (05:02):
That is true.
For sure.
And so it's funny you talk aboutyou you the the fog of things.
I was literally having aconversation with Michael, um,
our producer, just tonight, andI was like, bro, I had a weird
moment this week.
Um I was like, and it had to dowith lunchables.
And he's like, what?
And I was like, I was at Kroger.
(05:22):
Expired in a weird moment.
You're like, well, I went to theold Kroger where we used to shop
all the time.
Like we were in the thick of it.
Four, and so we would sneak offand have a date afternoon, and
we would sit at the Starbucksand we'd have coffee.
I was like, I went in and I justI don't know what it was, but I
had this nostalgic moment.
And I just sit at the tablewhere Jess and I used to have
coffee, and I was just sittingthere and I was like, man, I I
(05:44):
kind of me I really miss this.
But I was like, but I I don't.
Like, we're different.
And so I get up and I was like,I gotta, I gotta shop.
And so I go shopping, and thenI'm I'm getting groceries and
and and I stop in front of thelunchables.
And I'm just standing therestaring at them, going, and I
know people probably thought Iwas crazy because I'm just
sitting there looking at themand I was like, this was a
(06:06):
weekly discussion for Jess and Ibecause we have four kids and
they always wanted lunchables.
Three of them did, Callie didnot.
Um, and they were so expensive.
So we're like, we're not gonnabuy them this.
We'll just make them their own.
And we would have thisdiscussion every week, and I was
like, I don't know the last timeJess and I've talked about
lunchables.
I was like, I can't rememberwhen that is, but I was like,
that time went by so fast.
(06:27):
And I look at it and I was like,we're different people now.
Like we we don't have those sameconversations, we don't have
those same struggles or hurts.
They're different.
And but at the same time, it'slike just life moves and we
change.
We become different people.
We become not in a bad way, wejust evolve.
You know, you got four kids, youare in the fog of war.
(06:49):
Like you're you're at it.
I mean, when you get up in themorning, it's go time.
Yeah, kids getting dressed,going to school.
SPEAKER_02 (06:54):
So yeah, sometimes in the morning they come to you
before you're ready for themorning, too, which is always
interesting.
Um I don't know how you and Jessare, but like uh for Brandy and
I, like she's a morning person.
She's up in the morning, like atthe gym.
She knows that she's got to havethat like time herself to make
sure that she's you knowfiguring out.
But it's weird, you know.
I feel like I'm I'm getting upearlier and earlier just to like
(07:17):
kind of make sure that I'mstarting not up against the
ropes.
Right.
SPEAKER_06 (07:20):
So it's like I get my feet under me before we
start.
Exactly.
Jess gets frustrated to mebecause when the alarm goes off,
I get out of bed and I'm like,whoo, let's do it.
Let's attack this day.
And she's not, mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02 (07:29):
I want to be like you when I grow up.
I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_06 (07:30):
It's like I'm gonna have coffee and I don't want to
talk.
SPEAKER_02 (07:33):
I'm more like her.
SPEAKER_06 (07:34):
I don't know how that uh how it got that way.
But uh so tonight I want us toto talk about something that we
as men, I don't know how manymen we have.
I know we have some that listento the podcast, um, but we're
not talking about guns or war orany fun things.
We can.
I mean I mean, yeah, we may getthere.
Uh we may get there to somethingreally cool at uh at some time.
(07:56):
But in relationships and amarriage, like we're fixers.
So anytime the wife comes to us,we're like, oh, we want to fix
that.
We always want to fix.
And sometimes it's it's notmeant for us to fix, sometimes
it is.
But I want us to be to talkabout and think about being
proactive in um ourrelationships.
And you and I were talking backand forth and texting about I
(08:18):
was like, kind of think of it asa sense, I think of it in the
sense of um Jess or I one ofthem called them the emojis that
pop up on your dash when theylight up.
She's like, oh, look, the engineemoji is on.
Yeah.
Uh what does that mean?
I was like, it's usually not agreat thing.
Yeah.
Um check engine light.
Yeah.
It's like the and so we havethese lights and warning signals
that that pop off in our car totell us when something's wrong
(08:41):
before something else goesreally bad.
Yeah.
Um, so tonight I want us to kindof dig into and talk about what
are those in marriage?
What do those look like?
And how do we, you may be like,bro, I have no idea.
Okay, so how do we find those?
Yeah.
Uh what are those for you andBrandy uh over the years, being
married, uh, as long as you havewith kids, what are those
(09:02):
warning signs that pop up, thosethings that happen that just
kind of say, you know, whatwhat's happening?
Yeah, what is there somethingwrong?
Do we need to, do we need toassess?
Do we need to to take care ofthis before?
Because sometimes we if youignore those warning signals and
just keep going, your car'sgonna break down, it's not gonna
work.
And it may be too late to fixit.
So it's like marriage is thesame way.
(09:24):
Like, what do we do?
How do we fix it?
SPEAKER_02 (09:26):
So Yeah.
I you know, I think that youknow, that that's kind of my
initial thought when it comes tothose warning signs is um you
get a heads up, but you don'tknow how long that heads up is
gonna be.
Um and so um you you may haveheard that that kind of
lighthearted phrase aroundprocrastination that if you wait
(09:46):
till the last minute, it onlytakes a minute.
That is not the case in myexperience with marriage and
some of those warning signs.
Yeah.
And so I think what's so tough,depending on you know, your
marriage and just the season oflife that you're in, like um,
like we're in a season right nowthat like busyness seems to be
um just like at our doorstepevery single day.
(10:09):
And it's just it's a lot.
Um, I'm in my mid-30s and youknow, it just seems like the
demands of work and marriage andkids and like trying to figure
it out, you know, you know, ifyou're religious, like what that
looks like in your community,it's like it's all happening all
at once.
Yeah.
And I remember sitting, um, kindof having this epiphany one at
(10:30):
some point when I was thinkingabout work.
And if I just look at work, mymarriage, and being a dad, if
I'm giving a hundred percent airquotes here to those, that's
really only 33% for each, right?
Right.
I would fire myself.
Like, yeah, like, oh, yeah, likeI'm giving it all to my
marriage, which is 33%.
SPEAKER_06 (10:48):
Yeah, if you told Brandy, like, yeah, hey, babe,
I'm gonna give you 33% just todo that.
SPEAKER_02 (10:52):
Get every bit of my 34%.
Yeah, hard pass.
Hard pass on that.
SPEAKER_03 (10:56):
Like, no, thank you.
SPEAKER_02 (10:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (10:58):
Um, so when I think about that, you know, I I think
the main thing, and you alreadysaid it, it's like you need to
be aware of it.
And, you know, I I think is umsometimes um we fall into the
temptation of just like gettinginto a rhythm of life where it's
it's really just like a firedrill activity or or a triage
situation.
So whatever is like the loudestor the most in our face, that's
(11:20):
what gets our attention.
SPEAKER_03 (11:22):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (11:22):
Um, and you've got to go back, especially when you
throw kids and and other justcompeting demands in the mix, in
my opinion.
And I'm by the way, yeah, forlisteners or just for our
relationship, like I'm notsaying I gotta have this right.
This is just what my dumb selffumbling through it for 12 years
of marriage, it looks like.
Um, you need to make sure thatyou remember like where the
marriage needs to sit.
SPEAKER_03 (11:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:43):
And I've heard you guys talk on the podcast and
even just as friends beforeabout like not falling into the
temptation or trap of likeallowing your kids to be put
first and foremost over themarriage.
SPEAKER_03 (11:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (11:54):
And um your kids were probably way better at
this, but my kids are are loud,Greg.
It's like have you been around,man?
Yeah.
Okay, they're dad, dad, dad,dad.
It's like, stop.
SPEAKER_06 (12:06):
Yeah.
You know, and can I have fiveminutes where you don't say my
name?
Yeah.
You don't say that.
SPEAKER_02 (12:12):
And depending on how you're wired, you know, if
you're an extrovert, introvert,like, you know, some of us, you
know, my wife needs some spaceand some time with like quiet
to, you know, to decompress.
And so anyway, I'm I'm talkingabout this in a roundabout way,
but the idea is that like forme, I need to be to be like my
best self and be aware of thosewarning signs.
(12:33):
Like, I need to make sure thatI'm still looking at the dash
and not just looking around inin the car and like just
figuring out like, hey guys, youknow, here's a snack.
Like, be like be aware of thosethings.
Yeah.
And and don't think that someoneelse is going to like address
those or it'll just take care ofitself.
SPEAKER_06 (12:47):
So how do you and how do you and Brandy with I
mean, with your crazy schedules?
Yes.
Um, and you guys are different.
It's it's so crazy because yourwife is so much like my wife,
and you and I are so much alike.
So when we get together, it'sreally easy to hang out because
they kind of connect tothemselves and we do.
Uh, and we're kind of thatsales, you know, we'll just talk
(13:08):
to we'll talk to anybody.
And so we're just over thereyapping, and they just maybe
just sitting just quietly, justhanging out together and
enjoying every minute of it.
Exactly.
Um, how do you guys in themoment being different people,
the schedules, the craziness,the work, how do you find time
or or where are you finding timejust to to to have that moment
(13:29):
of quiet peace together?
Like where have you guys found asolution yet?
Are you still looking for it?
SPEAKER_02 (13:35):
Um I don't think in the seasonal life that I'm in,
you'll just organically findtime.
Right.
So it it's the it's the maketime approach.
Yep.
Um something that has been apriority for us, but has not
always been followed throughwith actions, but something that
that just, you know,transparently I'm trying to get
better at is making that timefor the date nights.
(13:58):
Um date nights are not a cure,but if you're not having them
regularly, I found, especiallyif you're someone like me that's
like married their opposite, youknow, personality type and
whatnot, you can kind of get inthis position where you're
you're almost like ships passingin the night.
And I think a kind of jumpingahead a little bit of like a
warning sign that I was thinkingabout before we talked was like,
(14:19):
you don't want to be in asituation, or I don't want to be
in a situation, my marriage,where I'm like, I feel like I'm
coworkers with my spouse.
And it's like you handle this, Ihandle that.
But there's almost like anunhealthy level of independence
between the two of you.
SPEAKER_06 (14:33):
You become you become roommates.
Yeah.
And it's like you don't need mefor this.
Yeah, we're just I've got it.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:38):
Type thing.
SPEAKER_03 (14:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (14:39):
And so those date nights have been really
life-giving for us because it'sallowed us to like take the time
to kind of reconnect.
Sometimes you guys sit there fora little bit and just be like,
what the heck is going on thisweek?
SPEAKER_06 (14:50):
Yeah.
You know, and then also too,because what what was crazy for
that is like I think theintentionality is so, so key in
in marriage and and in anyrelationship.
Like, if you're not intentionalwith your time, it's gonna go
somewhere.
Yeah.
And it's not gonna go where youwant it to go.
Um, but I think even then, likebeing intentional even in your
conversations, like we've donethat.
(15:11):
We go on a date, we're justlike, man, wow.
What a week.
It's like, okay, we're gonnaspend the next 20 minutes, we're
not gonna talk about kids.
Uh let's talk about I want totalk about you.
I want to I want to hear aboutyou.
I want to hear about somethingfor you.
Like, tell me, tell me somethingyou've been thinking about.
Tell me something that's goingon with you right now.
(15:33):
Um because it's easy when youhave four kids and they are
wanting your time, it's easy touh to be so focused on that that
that becomes even on a datenight.
Hey, we spent our entire datenight together and we talked
about our kids the whole time.
And it's not bad, I'm not sayingit's a terrible thing, but I'm
just saying if you're notintentional about spending some
(15:55):
quality time with your spousetalking to her about what she's
after, what she's going through,you're never gonna see those
warning signs.
You're not gonna because you mayhear them through something that
she says.
Um and so it's just just beingable to just listen and be
intentional with that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:10):
So maybe maybe another way of putting that, um,
and I agree, is just that ideathat your spouse is more than
maybe the role that they'replaying right now in your
marriage.
And so there will come a time,and I've heard you guys talk
about it, and you'reexperiencing this now, right?
SPEAKER_04 (16:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:25):
Where the kids, if you've done your job well, will
move up and out.
SPEAKER_03 (16:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:31):
Right.
Yeah.
And so um, you don't have tohave kids.
You know, if you're listening tothis and you don't have kids,
you know, maybe it's work thathas kind of become that just
all-consuming busyness.
Yeah.
And it, you know, if you're notintentional about it, like you
said, it can just kind of creepin.
But the idea is for me, um, andagain, I don't do this well all
the time.
I'm trying, I'm trying to figurethis out.
(16:51):
But if I'm not careful, the easything to be is talk about how
crazy the kids are or how crazywork is, like whatever.
But that's not the reason yougot married to your wife or your
husband.
Yeah, because they they're gonnaleave.
SPEAKER_06 (17:02):
Yeah, they're gonna leave.
SPEAKER_02 (17:03):
The kids will go, the job will change, you know,
that project you're working onwill come to completion, or you
know, whatever.
But trying to figure out a waythat's like you can know the
person.
And so I think the date nightsare important.
We've also, this is something weit's harder to do, but we have
done a good job of this.
It's obviously much lessregular, but I would say
probably once a year we've takena kid free trip.
(17:27):
And we have been so fortunate tohave like parents or friends or
whatever like help out and makethat a reality.
SPEAKER_03 (17:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:36):
And those are the times, because like for me, you
know, a two-hour date night, youmight not be able to like get
past the brain fog.
SPEAKER_03 (17:43):
Right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:44):
But we've laughed at the fact that like if we drive
down to the beach and like wherewe live is you know, five to six
hours to the beach, right?
SPEAKER_03 (17:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (17:50):
In that drive, when there are not kids constantly
just berating you with questionsof where, you know, are we there
yet?
I'm hungry, I've got a pee, etcetera, et cetera.
Yeah, you you have some of thedeepest conversations that we
didn't have since we were datingback in the day.
So that's been another like justpractical.
Again, when you see some ofthose warning signs, like these
are things to alleviate that.
(18:11):
But we can we can talk moreabout whatever we're doing.
SPEAKER_06 (18:13):
What's even fun too?
Like I remember the very firsttrip we went on, we call it an
adult trip that we went to thebeach with like four or five
other couples once a year.
They were in a big house.
We would all go.
I remember we get up in themorning and I just look at Jess
and be like, hey, I got yourstuff to the beach.
She's like, No, I can take it.
But I'm used to going with allthe kids carrying like the pack
(18:33):
mule.
Yeah, the job of everything.
Everything.
I was like, oh, I can tote yourchair.
Like, that's not a big deal.
And it was just so crazy to goand be like, set two chairs up
and be like, okay, so now whatdo I do?
Like, what do we do now?
Like, we just hang out?
Like, what do we just take?
And so it was really fun, but sorefreshing.
I'd say anything you can do,that's a that's a huge, huge
(18:54):
plus in marriage, is to takesome time and just go be with
them.
Whether it's the beach, whetherit's the mountains, whatever
that looks like for you guys.
That's a yeah, I agree.
SPEAKER_02 (19:03):
Yeah, I think the destination is an it doesn't
really matter.
You can just drive.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly.
Yeah, that's true.
It's just that time to reconnectand to kind of refind yourself
um as a couple and individually,and just like clear cle, you
know, clear the clear the brainfog that happens from just the
the groundhog day routine thatwe find ourselves in.
SPEAKER_06 (19:22):
Because you're gonna have that lunchable moment too,
one day.
Yeah.
You're gonna be standing atCroger going, hmm, when's the
last time we talked about that?
When's the last time I did that?
And so it's it's when you lookback on it, it's so bro, it's so
different from when you're init.
Like you're in it and you'relike, I'm not thinking about
that.
Does everybody have food?
Yeah.
Like is everybody eating lunch?
Like, uh was lunch paid?
(19:44):
Like, is are we all good?
So it's hard.
I I realize and understand it'sreally hard to just not even hit
the brakes, but just take yourfoot off the gas pedal for a
minute and just be like, allright, maybe I don't have to run
wide open all the time.
But uh you know, I get that it'shard.
So finding it, I I agree.
I don't think you find it, Ithink you have to decide and
(20:04):
make and make that intention toto go get it.
Yeah, where's that time?
Where's that stuff?
Let's go get it.
100%, man.
All right.
So tell me uh if I was justsaying for you guys, man, what's
one thing in the 11 years forkids?
What's been one of those thingsthat's been like, dude, if I've
(20:25):
known this from the beginning, Iwould have been implementing
this in my relationship or mymarriage.
Do you have one of those kind ofnuggets that's there to just be
like, bro, this is somethingthat I wish I would have done
all along?
SPEAKER_02 (20:38):
Yeah.
That's such a great question,Greg.
Um So for us, and again, let mejust be clear.
Um, if you any personality uhtests you take, Brandy and I are
opposites.
Like does not matter.
We have done them all.
And it's just like she couldjust take them and I would say,
okay, what's the oppositequadrant?
That's me, right?
Save you some time, babe.
Um, yeah, exactly.
(20:59):
Yeah.
Um if you're familiar with thethe love languages, um, that is
something that I wish that Iknew about.
SPEAKER_06 (21:10):
What are what are yours?
SPEAKER_02 (21:11):
So if you're not familiar with the love
languages, it's just kind ofthis idea, and you can add color
and context to this is very highlevel.
Um, but just the idea that thereare different ways that we give
and receive love.
And the way that I would explainit in a marriage is there are
certain things that when theyare given to you, really fill
your bucket up.
Yeah.
Where you're just like, you gotthe confidence, you got the you
(21:32):
know, win at your back, likethis is awesome.
And then there are other thingsthat it's just like, man, you
know, nice to have.
I think at the end of the day,we need all of them, but there
are definitely ones that are ourleaders in just the way that
we're wired that make a bigdifference.
SPEAKER_06 (21:46):
So you got uh words of affirmation, words of
affirmation, uh, acts ofservice, acts of service, gifts,
gifts, physical touch, physicaltouch, and quality time.
SPEAKER_02 (21:54):
Quality touch.
There's five.
Gotcha.
Yep.
And so for myself, my number oneis words of affirmation, my
number two is physical touch.
For Brandy, her number one isacts of service, and her number
two is gifts.
So yet another assessment wherewe're opposites.
SPEAKER_06 (22:11):
There you go.
SPEAKER_02 (22:11):
Here's the interesting thing that I wish I
would have known and has likereally been like an eye-opener
for me.
You need to know where yourspouse kind of falls in that
type of environment.
SPEAKER_03 (22:23):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:24):
And you need to make sure that you're proactive at
giving love in that way.
Right.
Well, dumb Ace and that makessense.
But if it's not your go-to whenthe busyness creeps in, when
work gets crazy, when the kidsare noisy and you know, the ball
schedule's insane, you're gonnarevert to the way that you give
and receive love.
SPEAKER_03 (22:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (22:43):
So I'm gonna tell her, because I'm words of
affirmation, you're you're sucha good mom.
You look beautiful today.
You know, I I am so proud of youfor blah, blah.
That's like womp, womp.
You know, nice to have for her.
Will you freaking load thedishwasher, man?
Yeah.
Like it'd be great if you do thelaundry.
Right.
But that does not come naturallyto me, and it's not something
that I'm like thinking aboutnaturally because it's not how I
(23:05):
receive love.
Right.
And so um, someone much wiserthan me said that a healthy
marriage is like a race to theback of the line where you're
trying to like serve the otherperson.
And you know, biblically we talkabout the fact that like you
don't keep record, you know,which I think is very sound
advice for marriage.
Right.
And so when it comes to likelove languages and things like
that, it's what can I do and howcan I be proactive to in my
(23:29):
case, doing acts of service forBrandy that shows her what I
would want to be told about mein a way, like how I'd want to
be affirmed.
SPEAKER_03 (23:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (23:41):
But the way that I serve the in the way that I'm
like and and and here's the thekicker.
And marriage is hard, right?
Yeah, yeah.
That's not easy for me to dobecause it's not my natural
thing.
But if I would have known thatin year two, three, four, or
five of marriage, I would haveprobably de-escalated a lot of
like tense situations where I'mjust like, you know, why are we
like so short with each other?
(24:01):
Like, what's going on?
Yeah, why are you mad?
Yeah.
What's going on?
Yeah.
As guys, as we try to solve thatever-changing Rubik's cube that
is our wives, like that wassomething that's really helpful
for me.
SPEAKER_06 (24:11):
Yeah, because you're trying to figure out your wife,
you know.
So she's just like, how do younot know this?
SPEAKER_02 (24:14):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (24:15):
Like Jess's is words of affirmation and gifts.
SPEAKER_02 (24:18):
Okay.
SPEAKER_06 (24:18):
And she always just laughs and she goes, Just tell
me I'm pretty and give mesomething.
unknown (24:22):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (24:22):
And I'm like, okay.
And I forget You got an easy oneon your own.
Yeah, I forget that from time totime because but then just today
she sends me a text.
It's just this incredibly sweet,thoughtful text about our
relationship.
And it was just I'm provoked.
Like I'm I'm I'm literally umsitting on a bathtub recalking
(24:45):
this bathtub.
So I'm digging this nasty crap.
And she sends this text.
I'm like, man, the first thingwent through my mind is like,
oh, that's so sweet.
And I was like, that's her lovelanguage.
And I was like, crap, I haven'tbeen doing a good job at that.
So immediately went to, I needto do more of that for her
because that's what she hears,that's what she feels, that's
(25:05):
what she connects with.
SPEAKER_02 (25:06):
Yeah.
Um, and that and that's aninteresting point.
And I think something like asguys, as we're trying to solve,
I joke with the Ruby SQ, buttrying to solve it is like, how
can we do a better job of likebeing aware of it and taking the
first step?
Because if we're not going tokeep record, then it doesn't
matter who like acts first, butit kind of does.
Like, let's be the ones thatlike start that.
SPEAKER_06 (25:25):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (25:25):
Um, and that's where I'm often dropping the ball.
SPEAKER_06 (25:28):
Yeah.
And it wasn't like a bad thing,like just like, oh crap.
I beat myself up a lot of timesbecause even even for us, we
just get busy in life.
I mean, even without kids, weyou you're gonna find something
to fill your time.
Like you, you will.
If it's not kids, it'll be work,it'll be something else.
Uh so it's almost like you'regonna find it.
(25:48):
So even once they go, like ifyou're saying, I can't do it now
because I have kids, you're notgonna do it when you don't have
kids either.
So it's one of those steps liketake it now and do that and
figure it out.
And so I think that's good.
I think it's good stuff.
Wow.
It's not easy.
Um because it's a relationshipand relationships of work.
SPEAKER_02 (26:08):
Yeah.
Have you heard that?
Um, I think it's a Maxwellquote.
It's something to the effect oflike the things that are most
worthwhile are uphill.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (26:15):
Actually, we talked about that in a um couple weeks
ago.
SPEAKER_02 (26:19):
I heard it was butchered the quote, but that's
like a marriage.
SPEAKER_06 (26:23):
I I heard and and um because when I worked at
Twelfthone, we would hearMaxwell like all the time.
Oh yeah.
Like he he would do, and so buthe said that that was one quote
he said to me that just that notto me personally, but we're in a
small group, and he said that,and I was just like, Oh, that's
so true.
Like, everything worthwhile isuphill.
He's like, because then he saidthe analogy goes, tell me
(26:44):
something you've done that waseasy.
And I was like, hmm.
He's like, okay, now tell mesomething you did that was
really hard and challenging.
And I was like, Oh, I had likethree things pop in my head.
He goes, see, you it's it you'llremember those.
The easy things, you're justlike, oh yeah, I don't I don't
remember that.
Right.
And so it's it's so true.
But all right.
Well, man, love languages.
(27:06):
Um, that's a good it's a goodone.
It's been around forever, too.
There's a book out there.
Who who wrote that book?
Who was it that wrote the fivelanguages?
It's Gary something.
Yes, it may be.
Just type in five love languagesand it's not a good one.
Fact check me on that, don'tyeah.
I didn't come prepared with mynotes.
Yeah.
Like right on my arm.
Yeah.
Hop on Eva's audience, type infive love languages.
(27:27):
There's probably like workbooksupon workbooks, and um, you can
probably, but it's prettysimple.
It's not just got mad at mebecause uh we took the test and
mine came back and they were allI scored the same on every
single one of them.
And she got so frustrated.
I mean, she goes, just pick, shegoes, why can't you just pick
one?
And just and I was like, babe,that's easy.
(27:47):
Just do any of those five thingsand I'll be happy.
And she's like, I don't believethat.
I was like, oh, there arecertain things that I gravitate
to more, but I'm just like,yeah, I'm not I'm not a words of
affirmation that's not huge onmy list, or I'm not a gifts guy.
So it's like So it is differentfrom her perfectly.
It is different from her becauseI'm like, you don't have to tell
me, you know, how how great Iam.
(28:09):
I guess uh I was like, but youdon't have to buy me anything.
Like I don't ever buy myself,but she buys me things often.
Yeah.
Um, she bought me something notlong ago, and she goes, I just
thought I thought you would likethat.
And I was like, I actually dolike it was a golf hat with
Bigfoot, uh golfing.
That sounds like you had to.
Yeah, I was like, I shouldreally like that hat.
Thank you.
And so uh, but I would I wouldnever buy it for myself.
(28:31):
Um, but so she knows that.
So it's the whole knowing, it'snot just knowing.
And I think that's the crazypart too, even about personality
tests.
People take a personality testand they want to say, know who
you are.
And I was like, that's good, butthe the the better part is
knowing the person that you'rewith in the relationship,
knowing who they are, how theyoperate, how they work.
(28:52):
Uh, because when you'recommunicating with them or
you're doing life with them,like knowing how they work makes
a huge difference because yousee that everything through your
lens, yeah, not through theirs.
SPEAKER_02 (29:02):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (29:03):
And so being able to flip that.
SPEAKER_02 (29:04):
So I I think with that too, something that I have
struggled with, and like evenjust in this season, trying to
figure out and articulate likewhat's the root issue that I'm
I'm trying to like move awayfrom.
But knowing your spouse justlike any relationship takes
work.
It's not like a static point intime.
Um and knowing what they needand and like you know, deepening
(29:26):
that is so important and such aworthwhile pursuit.
Yeah, but one of the ugly sidesof busyness that we allow to
creep in also is that lack ofmargin.
And people's brains work indifferent ways, but like for me,
if I don't have enough margin tokind of have that mental
bandwidth to like pivot andthink about that, it's like I'm
(29:47):
just my brain is just jumping tothe next thing to the next thing
to the next thing.
And I miss some of thoseprobably like really small, but
those small things becomecumulative opportunities.
Um to have the time to likepursue her and and like figure
that out and and and see thosewarning signs.
And so that's where it's um youknow, just kind of trying to be
(30:11):
accountable.
Like for me, it's like, well,you see the light on the
dashboard, but how long, howlong has it been on?
You know, right?
SPEAKER_06 (30:19):
Yeah, have I just not noticed it?
SPEAKER_02 (30:20):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And and am I living my life in away that like I'm able to react
to it pretty immediately?
Right.
Or is it like, oh shoot, it'son, but like I'm going 80 miles
an hour down the freeway and Ican't exit right now.
SPEAKER_06 (30:32):
Yeah.
No, I agree.
I'd say you you made astatement.
Oh, go ahead.
You want to say something, Mike?
SPEAKER_01 (30:37):
Yeah, no, I had a question for you.
Um, just as far as you you'retalking about, you know, in the
craziness, the busyness of life,it can be hard to remember these
things.
You know, so how do you prep forthat?
Uh whether whether it be prep orwhether it be a uh a working on
yourself to have a mental shiftto be able to think of it more
(30:57):
just naturally.
But for listeners who either onefeel like they're in that
busyness of life and they're notaware, not aware that they're
missing working on whether it belove languages or being that
initiating thing to theirspouse.
Yeah.
Um, what do you take that helpsyou be consistent in that?
Like anything from prep work tosetting reminders on your phone
(31:19):
or or whatever that is for you.
SPEAKER_02 (31:21):
Yeah.
That's a great question,Michael.
So I'm I, as I go through morelife, I become keenly aware of
the way that I'm wired and thestrengths and weaknesses of
that.
And so um I married someonewho's very organized and I'm
not.
And so the practical things thatI do that have been helpful.
Um, you know, I'm I'm in thebusiness world and so I live and
die kind of by the calendar.
(31:42):
And so kind of I hate this term,but like I calendarized things
in like our relationship alsoand like reminders and things to
like check in and follow up on.
Um brand gifts being importantto Brandy, and Brandy celebrates
people so well.
And so I feel this like pressurebuild every time it was like
Mother's Day or an anniversary,or like, I'm gonna fumble, yeah,
fumble again.
(32:03):
And so in my notes, in my in myin my phone, I have like tried
to be a better listener and payattention.
You know, her her birthday is umin October.
And you know, she might drophints in March.
But if I don't write those downin March, October's gonna come
and I'm gonna freak out and I'mgonna be that lame gift card
husband, where it's like, I loveyou, but it's like gift cards
(32:25):
doesn't say that, buddy.
SPEAKER_04 (32:26):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (32:26):
Um, and so those are some practical things that I do.
Um, and then I think the otherthing that is just like I've had
to kind of take a long look inthe mirror is how many like
business or professional ornetworking or whatever things
have I like said yes to quicklyversus like how hard do I find
it to schedule a date night?
And that's something where it'slike tough love to myself, but
(32:49):
like my priorities might be outof whack there.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (32:53):
Well, yeah, that's made as guys, that's it, that's
always a struggle.
I feel like that's a strugglefor every dude out there who's
listening because sometimes it'sso easy just to throw yourself
into work.
Yeah.
And that becomes our identity.
So many times just becomes whowe are.
And that that's not even way,way more than that.
Um, but it just becomes thenatural thing.
(33:14):
We're like, no, no, no, I can dothat.
I'm gonna do that well.
And we just throw ourselves intoit.
It's like, bro, yeah, that'sthat's not the answer.
Maybe like um, we were justtalking about, I was like, dude,
I think it's uh my whole momentat Kroger the other day just
made me really just kind of stopand look at and kind of think
and reflect.
And I was like, they're soimportant for for people, for
(33:36):
men.
I was like, I would encouragesomeone to take time, get away,
and just maybe if it's even likea few days or a day or whatever,
and just maybe sit in somespace, some quietness.
Like don't have your phone,maybe go out.
I connect outside.
So it's like go outsidesomewhere, sit down, maybe get a
pen and pencil, and just I knowthat's crazy, but I was like,
(33:59):
figure out what do you want tobe about.
Like, what do you want your lifeto look like?
What do you want your family tolook like?
Is it about a job?
Do you want to make money?
Do you want to be like, what isit you're chasing?
What do you want to be about?
And then go be focused on doingthat when you leave.
Like if it's with and thencreate space in your life, like
(34:20):
around it.
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
Yeah, your calendar and your priorities and what you
say yes and no to reflect that.
SPEAKER_06 (34:24):
Because the reality is if you're honest with
yourself and you look at yourlife right now, your calendar
and your checkbook are gonnatell you what's important to
you.
Uh and so it's like looking atthose things and taking a step
back and go, what do I reallywant to be about?
Because you're gonna turnaround, blink, and you're gonna
be 15 years down the road.
Yeah, 10 years down the road.
And you're like, wait a minute.
(34:44):
Right.
Like that what happened to thelast 10 years?
Did I get done what I wanted todo?
Did I get to pour into my kidswhat I want to pour into them?
SPEAKER_02 (34:52):
Or did I just show up 10 years later?
Yeah.
I I think that the C so I jokedkind of at the beginning of the
episode about like the fog ofwar.
I've had conversations with alot of guys that are in kind of
that 30, mid-30s, mid-40s likerange right now.
And um, I think we've talkedabout this before, but I was a
part of this group, um, like adiscipleship group, that did a
(35:13):
really cool exercise where itwas this whole idea of like
writing your own eulogy.
And if you're thinking aboutworking backwards from like,
what do you want said at theend?
And who do you want to be in theroom?
Yeah, saying what?
And the that real intangiblepressure that I feel sitting
(35:34):
here at 35 is I feel likeeverything is hard all at once,
it's all worthwhile, blah, blah,blah.
But this is the make or breakseason.
SPEAKER_03 (35:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (35:43):
And so, like, I love that we're talking about the the
warning lights, but I I think, Ithink kind of like as a takeaway
or challenge for all of us asmen, is like it's easy to say,
it's hard to do.
SPEAKER_05 (35:54):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (35:55):
Um, and so figuring out, like, to your point, what
are those things that we canwork backwards from to make sure
that we we arrive to thedestination that we want to and
not just show up like on theside of the road somewhere and
be like, well, that was that wasweird.
Yeah.
That's quite a right.
SPEAKER_06 (36:11):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's just say I I told Jess,um, I was like, I got a text
from Thomas.
He was like, What are you doing?
I was up late last night and heworks at the fire station.
So he's like up sometimes in themiddle of the night, and he
texts me and he's like, What areyou doing Thursday?
And I had I have a job that I'mI'm working on uh remodeling
some of the a house, and I Ireally need to be there working.
(36:32):
And I was like, I'm not reallysure what you what you got
planned.
He goes, You want to go dovehunting?
Because we had a we baited adove field on some family land,
he and I did a couple weeksback, and this past Saturday was
opening, and we didn't gobecause we just didn't.
We watched football and hungout.
And uh he's like, You want to godove hunting?
And I was like, it took me aminute.
I thought about it, I was like,man, I really need to do this
(36:52):
job, I need to work.
And I was like, absolutely, I'dlove to go.
And I'm like, that job will bethere.
And I was like, how many moretimes am I gonna get the
opportunity to go say yes tothat?
Uh, how many more times is hegonna ask me to go do that?
And I'm like, so yeah, I'm gonnasay yes to that.
Like it's gonna cost me, but Iin my mind, I've got to be.
It's worth the cost.
Yeah, that costs.
(37:13):
It's worth the cost.
That's an easy, that's an easypayoff.
And then we're gonna have ablast.
We're gonna shoot some guns.
Yeah.
So we're gonna have fun in theprocess.
So it's like, uh, yeah,absolutely.
So I think there's there'salways that.
Well, we're at a point wherewe're 35 minutes in.
I don't, I don't want us to, Idon't want to cut us off.
So what we're gonna do is we'regonna kind of again, it's
different, you know, and it's apodcast.
(37:34):
We can do whatever the heck wewant to.
So um we're gonna take a WildWest out here.
We're just doing it as we go.
Do it from the Jess is gonna belike, what in the world?
SPEAKER_02 (37:43):
Why did you let him on the podcast?
We're on this upper trajectory.
SPEAKER_06 (37:49):
I didn't have notes and you didn't follow the
notebook.
That's what's wrong.
This is my nightmare.
SPEAKER_04 (37:53):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06 (37:54):
So we're gonna take a break and we're gonna um we're
gonna come back in and this maybe we may do a part two, or it
may be just a really extendedone, but we're just gonna take a
break.
Um and and then jump back intothis conversation.
So if you want to hear more ofit, you can uh catch the next
one.
But uh are you good with that?
Are we good with that?
Can we do that?
Yeah, I guess we can do whateverwe want.
(38:15):
So thanks, guys, and uh catch usto hear the end of this as we
jump back into some more reallycool guy stuff.
Thanks for listening.
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