June 18, 2025 • 41 mins
Ever sit across from your partner during an argument and wonder why the simplest disagreement suddenly feels like World War III? You're not alone. Every couple fights—it's how you fight that makes all the difference between relationship growth and relationship destruction.
When we planned this episode on fighting fair, something ironic happened—we found ourselves in a heated disagreement while preparing our notes. That experience perfectly illustrates what makes conflict so challenging: we approach disagreements with different perspectives, communication styles, and emotional triggers, all shaped by our past experiences. For Greg, growing up in a home with frequent angry outbursts made calm communication a priority, while Jess's experience with conflict avoidance created different challenges.
We've discovered that most couples fight about three main issues: money (differing values and spending habits), communication (misinterpreted messages and unmet expectations), and time together (including intimacy). These friction points reveal our deepest needs and vulnerabilities. Like a football team building its strategy around a quarterback's unique abilities, successful couples learn to work with their natural conflict styles rather than against them.
The guardrails we've developed have transformed how we handle disagreements: looking out for each other's best interests even when emotions run high, never raising our voices, avoiding name-calling, and giving each other space to cool down when needed. These boundaries didn't emerge overnight—they came from painful experiences, honest conversations, and the wisdom of James 1:19: "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
Whether you're currently in the middle of a "tiff" or enjoying relational peace, now is the perfect time to establish your own conflict rules. Text us your thoughts using the link in our show description, and remember: healthy conflict, handled with care and respect, actually strengthens your relationship rather than weakens it. The goal isn't to eliminate disagreements—it's to fight in ways that bring understanding rather than division.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
If this is your first time here, welcome If you're a regular
visitor of Baggage Claim.
Thank you for coming back andlistening to us.
Baggageclaim is a place wherewe're hoping to start some
conversations and create somecommunity around relationships,
marriages and blended familiesand all the fun stuff that there
(00:41):
goes in.
So, take a deep breath.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, I appreciate that you do the welcome every
time, because it makes menervous to think about doing the
welcome myself.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Well, it's done so you don't even have to worry
about it now.
Yay, so, wherever you're at,grab your favorite drink,
whatever it may be, pull up toour table with us,
metaphorically speaking, andjust kind of relax and let's get
in some fun conversationstonight.
Topic, or today's topic, I'mgonna say tonight but, today's
(01:12):
topic is one that um, we alwayslike to say that I mean the
first rule about fight club isyou don't talk about fight club
right.
So we're breaking that rulebecause we're talking about
Fight Club tonight.
So tonight we're literallytalking about fighting.
It's that one thing that allcouples do, like you do it, some
(01:33):
more than others.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Some do it really well and some really suck at it.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
You're going to roll your eyes when I say this, but I
Googled synonyms for fight.
Here's a few other words thatpeople might use Argue, disagree
, tiff, squabble, quarrel, spat,debate, fuss.
That's one Tiff.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
I have a tiff.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I need to.
I have a tiff no, but we're inExcuse me.
I have a tiff.
I have a tiff no, but we're in—Excuse me, I have a tiff.
We live in the Southeast UnitedStates and the word that a lot
of us will use is fuss we'refussing.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Fussing.
I call it intense fellowship,because you're fancy.
That's what I call it.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Let's be transparent.
We don't fuss often.
No, we don't fuss often no, wedon't we.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Actually this baggage claim started off of an
argument, not the actual baggageclaim, but the first time we
went to go away for the weekendto plan, to strategize kind of
what we wanted this to be about.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
We wound up in a horrible argument fight.
It was bad.
We started fussing.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I said it we wanted this to be about.
We wound up in a horribleargument.
We went to the mountains inNorth Georgia yeah it was bad
and we didn't.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
We started fussing and here I go fussing.
I said it.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
No, we were fighting.
I was mad.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
We started fussing here at home.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Before we even left to go away for the weekend to
try to plan this.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And you're mad.
You're standing in this car andgoing and.
I was like we're going to gotalk about marriage and fun
stuff.
Get in the car.
I don't even want to go awaywith you.
Yeah, so I wasn't that, but wedon't even remember what even
started that whole.
No, we had a conversation onthe way.
(03:19):
I was like we have to go go.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
We didn't speak the whole way to where we were going
until we got there.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Yeah, and then we were like, okay, why were we mad
?
What were you mad at?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
I don't know but we stayed mad for a good 24 hours
after that, and that is not likeus.
No, it was not 24 hours.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
It literally was not 24 hours.
That's how we got there.
You thought it was but itwasn't.
It felt like it Okay In yourheart it was 24 hours.
In my heart I was mad for 24whole hours.
Right, well, I mean, there'scommon.
I mean, so we all fight mirrorswe can all agree with that
Everybody does If you're tellingme you don't do that at all and
you don't have our, then I'mjust saying you're I don't know
(03:56):
what you saying.
You're a liar or something'sbroken.
That sounds kind of harsh.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
But, um, that sounds kind of harsh.
But I mean, if you're not, andyou're an ace at it, good for
you.
Way to go.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
High five, yeah, you can just walk away and go find a
really cool station to listento cool music on right but if
not, then you're like the restof us in the world and let's
jump in yeah, because you're ahuman being and all human beings
don't get along all the time sowhat would you?
Um, and I'm not, I don't wantto ask you because you have the
notes in front of you, but Iwould just be curious handy
(04:29):
dandy notebook before we getstarted, because I forget this
every stinking time.
Um, on our podcast, there's aplace where you can send us a
text.
So if you're on, uh, spotifyapple pockets wherever it is,
right under the show there's athere's a, literally a place
that says send us a text.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
We just said that together, like it was on purpose
.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Click that, send us a text, get involved, be a part
of this.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Yeah, because we want to hear from you because, as
we're sitting here in ourquote-unquote podcast studio and
it's literally themother-in-law suite off of our
home- I'm really still waitingon someone to send me one of
those clicker things I knowHadn't happened yet.
So you don't have to clap andI'll laugh every time, right?
But like it's, you and I andproducer Michael, Producer
(05:18):
Michael's back this week.
So we're talking to all of you,and so we would really like to
hear from you Talk back, talkback, talk back to us.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Let me hear what you got to say.
Anyway, hit that text button,Send us a text.
So I would love to know, likewhat we think.
I mean, I think we all kind ofknow what couples fight about.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Yeah, because according to quote unquote no,
just life in general.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Research Quoting to us and research and having
friends and having a life.
Yeah, we know that most couplesfight about money, which seems
kind of normal.
Yeah, even if you have a lot ofit, you sometimes might.
If you have a lot of it, it'sprobably less likely to fight
about it.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I don't know.
You might fuss about how muchyou spend or what you spend it
on.
That's true.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, second one is communication yes, either the
like thereof is usually the case.
Not that I am worth fightingbecause you talk, communicate
too much.
Now husbands may think theirwives talk too much, but there's
a difference in talking andcommunication.
And then the third one is thetime you spend together.
(06:24):
Sex.
Okay, for guys that's a sexthing, maybe for a girl it's
more like I want to go getcoffee and go for a walk and
let's hold hands.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yes, and me, I'm just like oh, hey, okay sorry, we'll
have that description later.
It's a different podcast.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Oh, is it?
Anyway, anyway, that's about it, that's about it.
So anyway those are the three.
How did you get back on track,man?
My mind just went to a badplace.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Of course it did so when you and I were planning
this episode, we were talkingabout, like, how to fight fair.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And you know there's pluses and minuses with every
couple.
Can we be honest and say we gotinto a?
Maybe butting heads fightingwas probably not the correct
word we actually did butt headswhile we were planning this this
was about fighting yeah, how tofight and how are we fighting?
Why are we fighting?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
and we were we had up in a really intense fellowship
session over this yeah, we hadtwo very different point of
views, but leading up to ourpoint of views once we finally
figured it I once I finallyfigured it out.
Thank you, you had a.
You really had a really goodanalogy about a football team.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, well, we we love, and in the Peck household
we absolutely love football.
But we love, in the Peckhousehold we absolutely love
football.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
That was one of the like how many things
stipulations when we starteddating.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I had three when we started dating and I was like
okay, I really like this girl.
Yeah, I think my questions weredo you like football?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
I already had season tickets.
You said I have season ticketsto the Georgia Bulldogs.
I grew up going and watching.
Okay, I'll get you.
I grew up going and watchingfootball.
I can speak football.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Two are you okay if I drink beer?
Speaker 2 (08:12):
And you were like yeah, but I don't drink and you
said, as long as you don't drinkexcessively.
Yeah, in moderation I'm cool.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Right.
And I was like, if it's notdoing football, fine, I'm just
kidding Anyway.
And the third one was do youwant to have kids?
Those were my three.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
I tricked you on the last one.
Yeah, I still didn't get tohave kids with you, but I
tricked you on that one yeah youtried to.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
So you were like, yeah, I'm good with all those.
I was like, dude, this is moveforward.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
This is game on, so, game on so anyway, love football
.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Good Lord, that was totally.
I'm sorry for chasing thataround.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Did you forget about that?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yes, so we're huge on football, love football in our
family.
Saturdays are fun times aroundour house.
It's game day Daylight tilldark All day, yes, and so I said
you make the analogy like, as acouple, you're probably really
good at one.
If you're really really good,you're maybe good at two of
these.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Right, but talk about the football.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
If you're not, I don't, I am, if you're not,
you're probably bad.
So the analogy is Would youslow down?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
I'm trying to communicate here.
I want you to talk about thefootball analogy first.
I'm getting there.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Are we having a quarrel session right now?
When you have us, are webusting Bust?
So in the as we're talkingabout as a quarterback, you
either sometimes have a reallygood pocket passer yes, who's
good to sit in the pocket andcan hit anything downfield.
Wide receivers, tight ends yes,all that fun stuff.
Or you have a quarterback whois usually a runner Runner.
Usually more of a runner thanhe is, and so sorry.
(09:49):
Producer Michael is drawingpictures for me to look at.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Okay, for those of you that know us personally,
producer Michael is sittingacross the room and he has a
whiteboard that I brought frommy classroom and he has a marker
and an eraser that I broughtfrom our classroom and sometimes
he'll write notes of like hey,you're 28 minutes in.
Or sometimes he'll write justlike other things, like she just
(10:15):
said.
But then, like right now, youdon't Pick up your mic, you
don't have to call me out onthis one thing that I write.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Okay, I'll let it slide this time.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Today's our first day with producer Michael having
his own mic.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah, so we got him an own mic.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
So he just wrote a note for what?
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Yeah me, I got in trouble, Sorry.
So anyway, back to the analogywith football.
So either you have a reallygood pocket passer and if you do
, you create a team, an offensearound that helps support that
pocket passer.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Girls, just stay with them.
If you don't speak football,just stick with us.
Good tight ends, wide receiversyou have a good offensive line.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
You've got great tacklers.
It's a big deal to work.
If you have a runner, you buildan offensive team around that
quarterback, built for thosethings.
You run plays, you run allthose things.
So the same thing is true in amarriage.
If you're really good at one ofthose.
Then you build and you fill infor the areas and you try to
figure out what are we good at,what are we not good at?
(11:15):
How?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
proud were you in the moment when I could be like,
yes, I totally get your footballanalogy?
You did.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
And I know probably the large listening audience of
us is female.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah.
And if you don't love football,I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, but when myfriend Lisa listens to this one,
she's going to get it.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Right, so figure out what you're good at.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah and it's okay, I can say out loud the things I'm
not good at, and then thathelps us move forward, and
that's the same for you.
If you can identify the thingsthat you're not good at, then we
can move forward, and that'sthe same for you.
If you can identify the thingsthat you're not good at, then we
can move forward.
But to be in denial about thethings that you're not good at,
(11:57):
I feel like, is a lot of thearea where fights and fuzzes can
happen.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
You're right, because a lot of times we don't say the
things that we're thinking orthe things that are, and so it
creates like we had an issueearly on in our marriage.
Money was and it wasn't.
It wasn't really money.
I was doing all of theaccounting hoopla, the unfund
(12:24):
things, paying bills.
Well, you and the Amazon driverwere on first name basis.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
We were besties.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yes, they were dropping boxes, like the thing
that they put on your porch.
Okay, where you literally zipit up.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
You said when we first got married.
This was two.
Christmases ago, what you'rereferring to?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
The dude dropped off a box on our front porch that he
could put packages in that waswaterproof.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
It was their own Amazon warehouse situation that
they don't drop off at houses.
But we had one on our frontporch that he could just be like
.
I'm just going to refill thiswhen I come back tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Hey, welcome, I have a problem.
Well, you know, but anyway sowe had to have having those
discussions, communicating aboutthat was we had to do it in a
very healthy way.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
When we first got married, we viewed money very
differently.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yes, yes, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Like when I was a single mom, I had my own free
reign and I could do my ownthing.
And then you, as a single dad,you viewed money differently as
far as, like a business point ofview, because that's where you
came from.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And I?
I did not, and so we viewed notthe value of money but um the
importance of money, futurebuilding, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I don't know what word.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
That's a different thing Anyway.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
But it was good for us to at least have that
conversation, and we alwaysrefer to money as a relationship
.
Yeah, what's your relationshipwith money Is?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
it a good one Healthy one?
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Is it unhealthy?
Is it like?
What's the relationship like?
So we talked through all thosethings because we knew what we
were good at, what we were notgood at.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yes, thank you for circling back on that so likely.
For the most part fusses,fights, disagreements, whatever
you want to label it they comefrom unmet expectations and most
of the time, unmet expectationscome from a lack of
(14:37):
communication.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Right, a hundred percent.
And then when you fight usuallywhen you're fighting it's like
I've been done wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
And I want to.
I want to win.
I want to prove myself thatthat I'm right and you did me
wrong, like that's.
I need to be vindicated.
I want to prove myself thatthat I'm right and you did me
wrong, like that's.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I need to be vindicated, I need to be, I need
to feel like I was right inthis Right.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yeah, and so when we were even having this discussion
, though, we started buttingheads over the whole idea,
because I was looking at theroot.
We're looking at fights.
I was looking at the root causeof like, why are you even
fighting in the first place?
Because that's the way I lookat everything.
I'm like everything has a rootto it.
(15:17):
So I'm pulling and pulling andpulling, looking for where did
this start, where's thebeginning of this?
And you were looking at it, I'ma silver lining girl.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Completely different and my viewpoint that we've
talked about multiple times onthe podcast.
My viewpoint is I see the bestin things, I see the good, I
need to see the positivity partand so in my worldview, my
perspective of, like, I'm goingto do the things I can as I go
(15:49):
throughout my day, my life,whatever, to make sure that we
don't hit those speed bumps, wedon't hit those roadblocks of
places where we could disagree.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, and you also hate conflict.
I do.
You don't like conflict at all,not at all.
And so you'll do anything toavoid it.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I will, and that's good and bad.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Right, yeah, I'm not saying, if you're around,
someone who loves conflict.
There's a problem there too,yeah they're probably either an
MMA fighter or they have someissues.
Yeah, not slamming on MMAfighters.
I've got some friends who are,but it's at the same time.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
it's like no one loves conflict, no one loves
fighting uh, you're usuallytrying to figure out and you the
way you're wired.
Um, you don't love conflict,but you love the, the, the
places where you get to explorethe, the why and the.
You know what led you to whereyou're at.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
But then sometimes that's the gray area that makes
me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Yes, and so it's trying to figure, yeah, trying
to balance all that and figureit out.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
And so when we were having this discussion, we were
back and forth on.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
And we were quiet for a long time.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest
podcast prep times we've hadlong time.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest
podcast prep times we've had.
I feel like it probably was thehardest ones because of our
different viewpoints and I don'tremember what got us to that
part where we were like okay,we're looking.
I think I said that, that we'relooking at this in two
different ways.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Well, we were all over the place.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Like we just couldn't get our head around it.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And so I called a great friend of mine.
I love dearly Mason.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
He's the one I talked about that did that really cool
quote from when he was at West.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Point we hadn't done that yet I really did actually.
We did during the practice, didwe?
Speaker 2 (17:43):
say it out loud here no, not yet.
Oh, cool, okay, well, go aheadand do that.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Anyway, mason, we kind of shared where we were
going, where we were at, whatwas going on, and he just—it was
really cool, he kind of—hedidn't say anything we hadn't
said, but it really helped us gookay, yeah, yeah, yeah, we see
it now.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yes, and I apologize for feeling like we had already
said this, but what he did sayis nonetheless important,
whether we said it out loud yetor not, but he said one of the
biggest quotes that he canremember from when he was at his
time at West Point was fromGeneral Schwarzkopf the more you
(18:21):
sweat in peacetime, the lessyou bleed in wartime.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
So the more you sweat during sex, the less you bleed
during fights, right.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
No, I mean that's during fights, right?
No, isn't that the I?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
mean, that's not the.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
I mean I didn't mean to.
I get what you're saying.
The whole idea is that if we'rebeing proactive.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yeah, if you're working during the peacetime and
you're working on where you'regoing, your face, I can't get
over your cheesy grin.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I'm sorry, I have a stupid grin on my face.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
I apologize, but it helps if you work all along
instead of just idling andcoasting, and you work on
communicating.
There's a lot of like quoteunquote battles that you will
avoid.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Right, yeah, of course.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
And there's a lot of things you can take into
perspective when you are goingthrough relationships together.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I mean Well, these are great things to have.
These are great talking points.
Yeah, if you're like, I don'tknow what we can talk about when
we go to dinner, all we talkabout is the kids.
Or this or that the other work,or here's some things to talk
about.
What was it like in your housewhen you were growing up?
Did you guys fight?
Did your family fight in frontof you?
(19:44):
Did you did?
Did people raise their voice?
Like what?
What was that like?
Like, allow each other theopportunity, because those
things 100% affect the way thatyou deal and you deal with
conflict in the way you fight inyour relationship.
Now, yeah.
Those things happen and.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I can say with 100% transparency that even this,
many years later, we still arelearning about one another.
I mean, there's still stuffthat comes up in conversation
was like, oh my gosh, you nevertold me that before Just about
what we experienced as we weregrowing up.
So it's important to take thosethings into account as a couple
(20:24):
as you go.
Like you've got differentpersonality types, you've got
different temperaments, you'vegot different love languages.
You've got, you know, like yousaid, the house you grew up in.
And even if you go all, howevermany years you've been together
, you go back to how did youenvision marriage in the first
place?
Like, are you hanging on tothat?
(20:46):
And it's not what you thoughtit might be.
So the root of some of yourintense fellowships comes from
that and you might not realizeit.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Right, and so it's just having this simple
discussion and maybe askingthose simple questions like what
do you expect out of marriage?
What do you expect out of me?
What do you expect out of ourmoney?
How do you see money, all thosethings Like time together, like
how do you, what do you expect?
(21:16):
Like what do you want time-wise?
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Like for real, be honest.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, and those are.
I mean, those are really reallydeep questions that you can get
into, like, for me, fightingwas that's just a thing at our
house.
It wasn't my mom, this is mydad.
He just couldn't controlhimself.
Yeah, um, but there was lots ofyelling, screaming.
It was very, uh, violent.
It's just sometimes it wasviolent at times, um, but for me
(21:41):
it was nothing.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
It was not that like I did.
I don't have vivid memories ofmy parents like communicating
about things in front of me.
Like my dad had a wacky workschedule.
He worked most of the timenights while I was growing up,
but what I do remember it waslike talks about like money or
things like that, and it was nota comfortable thing and I spent
(22:05):
a lot of time with mygrandparents and they did not
communicate with just the two ofthem a whole lot in front of me
and my cousins, and so I didn'treally know what that really
looked like, right, um, but andso for me, like it just came to
the, it just made me think aboutit the other day, and I don't
think I've shared this with youwe were, we went to the Braves
(22:27):
game, part of Jess's birthdayweek yay celebration.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
well, afterwards there was some guys in uh, we
were were at the Yard House andwe were hanging out, oh gosh,
and there were some guys—.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Such a disaster.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
No, it was not.
We were at—you see it that way.
Here's the difference righthere.
Okay, we're at Yard House andthese guys over there and they
had had too much to drink andthey were being loud and they
were just yelling and they weretrying to have fun, and then
they just took it too far.
Next thing, you know, this oneguy's shirt's completely
unbuttoned.
They're arm wrestling, knockingchairs over.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
One fella fell out of his chair all the way to the
ground he did.
I thought it was hilarious.
I thought it was funny, but meand my friend— Of course I
wasn't sitting next to themeither.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
But me and my friend am she and I were, we were
nervous, miranda was nervous,our daughter-in-law, we were
just like oh my gosh and I wasintrigued.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Yeah, you and thomas were zoned in like what's about
to happen?
Speaker 1 (23:16):
and so the guy you know cop, comes in, tells him to
leave, the guy starts screaming.
One guy starts screaming andyelling and he goes outside and
he's storming around just totalk and miranda's like that
makes me so nervous, I've neverseen seen that before.
And I was like what?
I was like you've never seenthat before and she's like no,
and I'm like bro, that's nothingLike.
(23:37):
It just reminded me like I grewup where that was absolutely
nothing Like.
You just ignored that.
So we all that to say.
We all have different stories,we all come from different
places and those places haveeverything to do with how we act
emotionally, mentally,physically in these situations.
And fighting usually is aheightened sense of emotions,
(24:00):
all those things that go into it.
So if you're not aware of those, you can make some really bad
decisions.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
You can.
There's a verse in James it'schapter 1, verse 19 that says Be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to anger.
There's a verse in James it'schapter 1, verse 19 that says Be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to anger.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Yeah, some of those are hard for me.
A few of those things are hardfor me to do.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I know which one is hard for you Slow to speak.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Because you are a good listener.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I'm full of opinions.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Well, you are full of opinions, but it's not out of
disrespect.
Your brain works on an ADDlevel of if I don't say what I
have to say right away, I'mgoing to forget my point.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
But when I'm on the receiving end of that, it feels
like interruption.
If I don't just remember,that's like how your brain
actually functions.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, and it's something I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
But it's okay that that's how you work.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Well, I'm working on it and I was going to say
something the other day and Icaught myself and at the end of
it, you go what were you goingto say?
I caught myself and at the endof it, you go what were you
going to say?
And it's like I don't know.
I remember I have no idea, Iforgot.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
And for me I'm not quick to speak, I am a good
listener and I'm good at beingslow to anger, but then the face
you're making it takes me aminute to process, so I'm not
going to be quick to speak Likethere's pieces and parts of that
(25:35):
that you can pick apart thatare strengths and weaknesses for
each other, just like wherethere's holes way back to your
football analogy there's holesin that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Right.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And so that's what really helped us develop some
guard wear Guard, wear Guard.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Maybe rails, rails, okay, that sounds.
I mean guard wear could work.
Guard wear, wouldn't those bepads?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
It could be Like shoulder pads, shoulder pads
yeah, I would love to wear apair of shoulder pads one time
and just lower my shoulder, andjust not you To me.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
No, no, no, no, man, you looked at me when you said
that.
Just lower my shoulder.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I mean, I'll lower my shoulder, michael, maybe.
Why are you so angry at Michael?
Speaker 1 (26:20):
He didn't do anything that I do.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
That's a great question.
What did Michael do?
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Obviously, I've never played football.
I've never played football.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I've played flag football a million times hitting
is the best part I was justabout to say how much fun so fun
until you get laid out andyou're like then it changes
things yeah, then you're likewhoa, why are there things
flashing like there's?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
lots of flashing things.
I just feel like if I couldjust wear all the pads one time
that's fun it hurts sometimes,but it's fun.
I feel like that would be sofun Anyway.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
The whole idea.
I mean honestly, I mean all ofthis with fighting.
We keep going back tocommunication and talk about it
and where you come from askingthose questions.
Yeah, like on your day.
It's the same analogy, and I'mjust full of analogies tonight.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I'm so proud of you.
You're so poetic, honey.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
There's the sarcasm drips from the microphone.
The communication aspect of nothaving these conversations
before and then just blowing upis about the same as walking
into a restaurant sitting at thetable.
When the server comes up, youjust look at them and make eye
(27:34):
contact.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
You expect them to know already what you want.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Right, you would say Greg, that's ridiculous, that's
foolish.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
But it's so not if you really think about it.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
But we operate that way in our relationships all the
time.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
I'm supposed to be able to walk into the room and
you're supposed to be able toread my facial expressions and
my body language and knowexactly what I'm feeling.
Sometimes I can.
It's weird, but I'm justkidding, I don't.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
If you think you can understand a woman, bro, get you
a podcast, write a book.
You're about to be filthy rich.
So I'm just saying we're, we'reall complicated, we're all um,
but it's just Women are not theonly ones that are complicated.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Guys try to feel like oh, we're so simple.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Uh, we are.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
But you're not.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
Oh, we are no you're not.
No, you're not.
Nope, that's a differentpodcast.
Nope, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Okay, let's go through some rules the
guardrails that we talked about,that we actually do have for
our marriage.
Yes, look out for the bestinterest of each other.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Correct.
What does that mean though?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
That's hard, though sometimes, when I feel like I'm
right and you feel like you'reright, it's so difficult to make
sure it's like I need to feel,like I can understand why you
think you're right.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
But you know what's weird, though, sometimes in an
argument, like we get into itand we're like neck deep into
this argument.
Like it's not we hadn't juststarted.
We've been into it Like we'reback and forth, or you know,
we're volleying back and forthlike this, comments and things,
and then it comes down to likethere's a part of this has
(29:29):
happened, okay.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Umbrella protection.
I'm going with you.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
So there's times where I'm just like you have a
force field.
Crap.
I think she's right and I'mwrong, but then I want to argue
my point anyway, just so I canfeel like and sometimes I just
catch myself trying to argue mypoint which I don't even believe
.
Sometimes I don't even think ifI know it's right, but I'm
(29:55):
still going to stick to my point, and I don't understand why I
do that, other than just pride.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
You're so cute.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Well, I'm just being honest and so I mean so it's
almost like when you're lookingout for the best.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Would you?
Okay, here's a good question.
Do you think that you are morequick to be like okay, you're
right, I'm wrong.
Or if I'm more quick to be,you're right, you're wrong?
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I'm wrong Me.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Do you think that?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Because I analyze faster and quicker.
You do and it runs through mywhole and you're over there.
You're still in emotions,you're about to cry, which is
going to mess with my workingthrough emotions, because when
you start crying, all that justgoes out the window and I can't
focus.
I only cry when I'm really mad,though yeah, I know, I know
that, I'm well aware, I'm wellaware, and I don't like it, okay
(30:49):
.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
So, so, and I don't like it.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Okay so and I don't say it in an arrogant way, I
just think it's a.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
No, I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, we know each other and how each other works
really well at this point.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Which also can be a bad thing, because when you do
that and you're not looking outfor the interest of someone else
, you know what buttons to push,you know which levers to pull.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Well, that's a whole different conversation of using
that as a weapon.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well, that's one of the rules.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Oh, gosh and okay.
Another rule that we have set Imean, this is from the get-go
no yelling.
We literally have never, ever,ever raised our voices at each
other, and we've never raisedour voices at our children
either.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
No, because I think if for me, if I'm doing that, I
am making decisions out ofemotion.
Yes, and I am not going to be.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
That doesn't feel intelligent.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
to me it's like if I can just scream the loudest,
then I'm going to get the mostattention.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
And intelligent.
That's a good word, and so I'mlike I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
We had one time our kids Right when we did this.
This is in the beginning.
I was in the dining room.
This is our very first house wehad together, all of us
together.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I thought you were about to talk about the Disney
experience, the Orlandoexperience, disney experience,
the.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Orlando experience.
I'm trying to drag my skeletonsout, aren't you?
But anyway, it was.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
We were in the, Jess was in the other room in the
kitchen doing something, I wasin the living room at a table
and Thomas was raising his voice, yelling at you gotten some
emails from a couple of teachersand got a couple of like posts,
(32:34):
I guess, from the online reportcard system and they were not
so great reports and I wastalking to him, just like I'm
saying right now, and showinghim it was either on the
computer or on my phone, andshowing him it was either on the
computer or on my phone, likeokay, talk to me about this,
talk to me about this.
I was just asking somequestions.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
And his defense is where you're talking about.
And so, thomas, when he wasyounger, his defense mechanism,
when he was always wrong and heknew it yeah, we brought this to
attention later he would raisehis voice and get really loud
and really angry when he knew hewas wrong.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
And very, very defensive and just mean.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And so he was screaming and yelling to the top
of his lungs.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Really close to my face.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Yeah, so I remember walking in there and it was
instinctive, like I didn't eventhink about it, and I got.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
You put yourself in between us.
Yes.
And I got right in Thomas'sface and I remember saying— you
backed him up against thecounter on the other side of the
room and he was probably what15, 14, something like that
Taller than me, already biggerthan me, which I feel like was
part of his trying to be thedominant figure too.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Maybe.
But then I was like, if youwant to yell at someone, yell at
me.
Don't you ever talk to your mom?
Speaker 2 (33:53):
yeah, it was like you're not talking to your mom,
you're not talking to my wifethat way.
So yeah, the the phrase isdoing that anymore the phrase
that sticks in Thomas's headstill to this day is nobody
talks to my wife like that.
I don't care if she's yourmother or not, it was just I
don't.
I don't like yelling, because Igrew up around a lot of
screaming and yelling and it'sjust.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
it's one of those things like we can have
conversations, intelligentconversations.
Share our emotions, share ourfeelings, if we can't take a
walk.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Cool off, come back and let's share.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
And we're not saying we're so perfect and we don't
fuzz or fight or whatever.
Because in that same housewhere we first lived and we all
got together, there were severaltimes where you would put on
your weighted backpack and you'dgo walk the loop around our
neighborhood so that we couldhave an intelligent, not quite
(34:46):
so emotional conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Maybe some constructive conversation.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Constructive is a way , better say but you know?
But that all goes back to thathouse.
You grew up in some things thatyou need to take into
consideration.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Because when you start yelling, the next thing
that happens you always.
When you raise your voice, youstart yelling.
Next thing that happens is youstart name calling.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah, that's a no-go.
You start trying to call names.
So we're like we're not goingto do that, we're not doing that
, you're not going to call theother person.
Because when you go from theyelling to the name calling,
things get physical, and thatdoesn't always mean putting your
hands on one another.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
They could be throwing things, no one should
be putting their hands on anyoneelse in a marriage.
If someone's putting theirhands on you and you're out
there, call Get help.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Text us literally.
Don't stay in that We'll figureout how to get you some help.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Yeah, so it's a terrible place to be.
It is.
But like, if you're in anargument, you're yelling, you
start calling names.
Then you naturally are going Ifyou want to win.
You're like I're going to starthurling insults, personal
insults at them.
You're going to start callingthem and I'm telling you, my dad
(35:55):
was the worst at this.
There's not a name you couldcome up with that haven't been
called by him, and then usuallyhe was drunk or hungover and
then the next day he'd be likeI'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
That's the thing I was about to say.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
And I always hated that.
So I always told my kids whenmy kids would, they bought me a
t-shirt and said I was likedon't be sorry, be different.
Yeah, because I was like Idon't care if you just say I'm
sorry.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
The front of it said don't be sorry.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
And the back said be different.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Yeah, I was just like don't tell me you're An adult
loses control in the escalationthing that we were just talking
about.
It's like, oh, we're going togo to sleep and then tomorrow
we're going to just be likenothing ever happened.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
No, yeah, sorry, that's not how it works.
You don't get that Nobody saidmean words to someone else, that
you call someone else names, ifyou're.
If you're a, I may catch crapfor this, but if you're, if
you're in a fight and you'rethrowing things and punching
walls, that's the behavior of afive-year-old, like that's.
(36:57):
That's, that is, stop andfigure out where.
Why are you?
Why are you at that point whereyou need to throw something or
punch something?
Why do you?
Speaker 2 (37:07):
feel the need to be so like right quote unquote in
that situation where you can'tlisten to the other side and
you're going to literally pitcha fit so that you can get your
point across.
That doesn't make any sense atall.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Because if you're doing that, you got some anger,
some pent-up anger that's downin there that this is a way for
it to come out and that is nothealthy.
I'm sorry, it's just, there's alot better ways to do that.
Don't be throwing things, andI'm not saying in the fact of
you feel like you're somethingbigger, like I mean, yeah, I
spent a lot of time in my lifeNot a lot of time, probably
(37:44):
three to four years of my lifedoing karate, did some
kickboxing, loved it.
I loved fighting.
Fighting was life.
Uh, doing karate, did somekickboxing, loved it.
I loved fighting.
Fighting was fun.
Like physical fighting was funfor me.
It was too fun for me.
That's why I had to get out ofit, because it wasn't healthy
for me.
I really enjoyed the fight partyeah, um but I enjoyed the
challenge.
but the idea was is that I don't?
I don't need to throw anythingor hit somebody, even when I'm
(38:09):
angry, that just this doesn'tmake sense?
I was like, if you'rethreatened, like if someone's
threatening you, like that's adifferent story.
That's not it.
We're talking about yoursignificant other.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Your partner that you're having a conversation
with.
There should be no reason.
People are throwing and hittingthings.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
That's what I wanted.
I want to loop back to like thesynonyms.
I know, as cheesy as you thinkit is, we've used the word fight
a lot and it doesn't meanphysical.
That's a different level andthat's something else that we're
not talking about right now,because that's a different level
(38:46):
that involves other people,other than podcasts.
If that's where you're at, youneed to get some seek, some help
, because there's people thatcan help you.
But I feel like, if we go backto the original purpose of what
we were talking about, of youknow, if you're disagreeing with
one another, the very basicbuilding block of your
(39:10):
relationship should be theability to listen to one another
.
Learn how to communicate in away where your partner can
listen to you and understandwhat you're trying to get at.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
And a big part of that is don't interrupt each
other, and then it might take.
I mean, you and I are a goodexample.
It might take me a minute toget where I'm going and even if
you feel like you need to saysomething or whatever, just
don't interrupt each other,because that makes that other
(39:45):
person feel like it's not youknow.
Her or his feelings are notvalued, and then that's where
some fusses might come from.
So you know, that's a big thingto keep in mind too.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
So, as we wrap it up, remember those three things
money, communication, how wespend time together.
Those are the three things thatmost couples are fighting about
.
Figure which ones you you'regood at, which ones you're
lacking out.
Figure out a plan to how do wecommunicate, how do we close the
gaps on those, to be better atthose situations, sharing our
(40:23):
expectations for all of those,and let's figure out how to move
forward in a good, healthy way.
Sit down after you figure thatout.
Yeah, next step write down somerules for your fights.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
What are the?
Rules that we're going to bothtalk about, agree upon and then
do and be patient with oneanother while you figure that
out, because you're all workingtoward the betterment of your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yeah, this is an ongoing conversation.
You're probably not going tofinish this in one sitting.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
You may, you shouldn't, because as you go
through seasons it's going tochange.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Yeah and whatever season you're in you're going to
have.
I mean, there's fights aredifferent for different seasons
around different things.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
So we know this unpacked portion has been
different because we've kind ofunpacked as we've gone through
Correct.
But it's impossible to not dothat when you're talking about
how to fight fair and how towork towards the same goal.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Yeah, so thank you guys for joining tonight.
Mm-hmm, keep your guard up,have fun.
I don't know.
I was holding my fist up, likeyou guys could see in a podcast.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Yeah, when we paused this in, that's what we did.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Yeah, we're trying to make fight motions.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
It's okay.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
Hey, thanks for joining us, thank you Be sure to
like subscribe share.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Thanks for pulling up to the table while we talked
about fighting.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yeah, go fight fair, see you guys.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
If this is your first time here, welcome If you're a regular
visitor of Baggage Claim.
Thank you for coming back andlistening to us.
Baggageclaim is a place wherewe're hoping to start some
conversations and create somecommunity around relationships,
marriages and blended familiesand all the fun stuff that there
(00:41):
goes in.
So, take a deep breath.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Yeah, I appreciate that you do the welcome every
time, because it makes menervous to think about doing the
welcome myself.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
Well, it's done so you don't even have to worry
about it now.
Yay, so, wherever you're at,grab your favorite drink,
whatever it may be, pull up toour table with us,
metaphorically speaking, andjust kind of relax and let's get
in some fun conversationstonight.
Topic, or today's topic, I'mgonna say tonight but, today's
(01:12):
topic is one that um, we alwayslike to say that I mean the
first rule about fight club isyou don't talk about fight club
right.
So we're breaking that rulebecause we're talking about
Fight Club tonight.
So tonight we're literallytalking about fighting.
It's that one thing that allcouples do, like you do it, some
(01:33):
more than others.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
Some do it really well and some really suck at it.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
You're going to roll your eyes when I say this, but I
Googled synonyms for fight.
Here's a few other words thatpeople might use Argue, disagree
, tiff, squabble, quarrel, spat,debate, fuss.
That's one Tiff.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
I have a tiff.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
I need to.
I have a tiff no, but we're inExcuse me.
I have a tiff.
I have a tiff no, but we're in—Excuse me, I have a tiff.
We live in the Southeast UnitedStates and the word that a lot
of us will use is fuss we'refussing.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Fussing.
I call it intense fellowship,because you're fancy.
That's what I call it.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Let's be transparent.
We don't fuss often.
No, we don't fuss often no, wedon't we.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Actually this baggage claim started off of an
argument, not the actual baggageclaim, but the first time we
went to go away for the weekendto plan, to strategize kind of
what we wanted this to be about.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
We wound up in a horrible argument fight.
It was bad.
We started fussing.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
I said it we wanted this to be about.
We wound up in a horribleargument.
We went to the mountains inNorth Georgia yeah it was bad
and we didn't.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
We started fussing and here I go fussing.
I said it.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
No, we were fighting.
I was mad.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
We started fussing here at home.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Before we even left to go away for the weekend to
try to plan this.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And you're mad.
You're standing in this car andgoing and.
I was like we're going to gotalk about marriage and fun
stuff.
Get in the car.
I don't even want to go awaywith you.
Yeah, so I wasn't that, but wedon't even remember what even
started that whole.
No, we had a conversation onthe way.
(03:19):
I was like we have to go go.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
We didn't speak the whole way to where we were going
until we got there.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Yeah, and then we were like, okay, why were we mad
?
What were you mad at?
Speaker 2 (03:27):
I don't know but we stayed mad for a good 24 hours
after that, and that is not likeus.
No, it was not 24 hours.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
It literally was not 24 hours.
That's how we got there.
You thought it was but itwasn't.
It felt like it Okay In yourheart it was 24 hours.
In my heart I was mad for 24whole hours.
Right, well, I mean, there'scommon.
I mean, so we all fight mirrorswe can all agree with that
Everybody does If you're tellingme you don't do that at all and
you don't have our, then I'mjust saying you're I don't know
(03:56):
what you saying.
You're a liar or something'sbroken.
That sounds kind of harsh.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
But, um, that sounds kind of harsh.
But I mean, if you're not, andyou're an ace at it, good for
you.
Way to go.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
High five, yeah, you can just walk away and go find a
really cool station to listento cool music on right but if
not, then you're like the restof us in the world and let's
jump in yeah, because you're ahuman being and all human beings
don't get along all the time sowhat would you?
Um, and I'm not, I don't wantto ask you because you have the
notes in front of you, but Iwould just be curious handy
(04:29):
dandy notebook before we getstarted, because I forget this
every stinking time.
Um, on our podcast, there's aplace where you can send us a
text.
So if you're on, uh, spotifyapple pockets wherever it is,
right under the show there's athere's a, literally a place
that says send us a text.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
We just said that together, like it was on purpose
.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Click that, send us a text, get involved, be a part
of this.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Yeah, because we want to hear from you because, as
we're sitting here in ourquote-unquote podcast studio and
it's literally themother-in-law suite off of our
home- I'm really still waitingon someone to send me one of
those clicker things I knowHadn't happened yet.
So you don't have to clap andI'll laugh every time, right?
But like it's, you and I andproducer Michael, Producer
(05:18):
Michael's back this week.
So we're talking to all of you,and so we would really like to
hear from you Talk back, talkback, talk back to us.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Let me hear what you got to say.
Anyway, hit that text button,Send us a text.
So I would love to know, likewhat we think.
I mean, I think we all kind ofknow what couples fight about.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Yeah, because according to quote unquote no,
just life in general.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Research Quoting to us and research and having
friends and having a life.
Yeah, we know that most couplesfight about money, which seems
kind of normal.
Yeah, even if you have a lot ofit, you sometimes might.
If you have a lot of it, it'sprobably less likely to fight
about it.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I don't know.
You might fuss about how muchyou spend or what you spend it
on.
That's true.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Yeah, second one is communication yes, either the
like thereof is usually the case.
Not that I am worth fightingbecause you talk, communicate
too much.
Now husbands may think theirwives talk too much, but there's
a difference in talking andcommunication.
And then the third one is thetime you spend together.
(06:24):
Sex.
Okay, for guys that's a sexthing, maybe for a girl it's
more like I want to go getcoffee and go for a walk and
let's hold hands.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
Yes, and me, I'm just like oh, hey, okay sorry, we'll
have that description later.
It's a different podcast.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Oh, is it?
Anyway, anyway, that's about it, that's about it.
So anyway those are the three.
How did you get back on track,man?
My mind just went to a badplace.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Of course it did so when you and I were planning
this episode, we were talkingabout, like, how to fight fair.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And you know there's pluses and minuses with every
couple.
Can we be honest and say we gotinto a?
Maybe butting heads fightingwas probably not the correct
word we actually did butt headswhile we were planning this this
was about fighting yeah, how tofight and how are we fighting?
Why are we fighting?
Speaker 2 (07:19):
and we were we had up in a really intense fellowship
session over this yeah, we hadtwo very different point of
views, but leading up to ourpoint of views once we finally
figured it I once I finallyfigured it out.
Thank you, you had a.
You really had a really goodanalogy about a football team.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Okay, well, we we love, and in the Peck household
we absolutely love football.
But we love, in the Peckhousehold we absolutely love
football.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
That was one of the like how many things
stipulations when we starteddating.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I had three when we started dating and I was like
okay, I really like this girl.
Yeah, I think my questions weredo you like football?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
I already had season tickets.
You said I have season ticketsto the Georgia Bulldogs.
I grew up going and watching.
Okay, I'll get you.
I grew up going and watchingfootball.
I can speak football.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Two are you okay if I drink beer?
Speaker 2 (08:12):
And you were like yeah, but I don't drink and you
said, as long as you don't drinkexcessively.
Yeah, in moderation I'm cool.
Speaker 1 (08:19):
Right.
And I was like, if it's notdoing football, fine, I'm just
kidding Anyway.
And the third one was do youwant to have kids?
Those were my three.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
I tricked you on the last one.
Yeah, I still didn't get tohave kids with you, but I
tricked you on that one yeah youtried to.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
So you were like, yeah, I'm good with all those.
I was like, dude, this is moveforward.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
This is game on, so, game on so anyway, love football
.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Good Lord, that was totally.
I'm sorry for chasing thataround.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Did you forget about that?
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yes, so we're huge on football, love football in our
family.
Saturdays are fun times aroundour house.
It's game day Daylight tilldark All day, yes, and so I said
you make the analogy like, as acouple, you're probably really
good at one.
If you're really really good,you're maybe good at two of
these.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Right, but talk about the football.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
If you're not, I don't, I am, if you're not,
you're probably bad.
So the analogy is Would youslow down?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
I'm trying to communicate here.
I want you to talk about thefootball analogy first.
I'm getting there.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Are we having a quarrel session right now?
When you have us, are webusting Bust?
So in the as we're talkingabout as a quarterback, you
either sometimes have a reallygood pocket passer yes, who's
good to sit in the pocket andcan hit anything downfield.
Wide receivers, tight ends yes,all that fun stuff.
Or you have a quarterback whois usually a runner Runner.
Usually more of a runner thanhe is, and so sorry.
(09:49):
Producer Michael is drawingpictures for me to look at.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Okay, for those of you that know us personally,
producer Michael is sittingacross the room and he has a
whiteboard that I brought frommy classroom and he has a marker
and an eraser that I broughtfrom our classroom and sometimes
he'll write notes of like hey,you're 28 minutes in.
Or sometimes he'll write justlike other things, like she just
(10:15):
said.
But then, like right now, youdon't Pick up your mic, you
don't have to call me out onthis one thing that I write.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Okay, I'll let it slide this time.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Today's our first day with producer Michael having
his own mic.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Yeah, so we got him an own mic.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
So he just wrote a note for what?
Speaker 1 (10:31):
Yeah me, I got in trouble, Sorry.
So anyway, back to the analogywith football.
So either you have a reallygood pocket passer and if you do
, you create a team, an offensearound that helps support that
pocket passer.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
Girls, just stay with them.
If you don't speak football,just stick with us.
Good tight ends, wide receiversyou have a good offensive line.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
You've got great tacklers.
It's a big deal to work.
If you have a runner, you buildan offensive team around that
quarterback, built for thosethings.
You run plays, you run allthose things.
So the same thing is true in amarriage.
If you're really good at one ofthose.
Then you build and you fill infor the areas and you try to
figure out what are we good at,what are we not good at?
(11:15):
How?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
proud were you in the moment when I could be like,
yes, I totally get your footballanalogy?
You did.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
And I know probably the large listening audience of
us is female.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah.
And if you don't love football,I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, but when myfriend Lisa listens to this one,
she's going to get it.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Right, so figure out what you're good at.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Yeah and it's okay, I can say out loud the things I'm
not good at, and then thathelps us move forward, and
that's the same for you.
If you can identify the thingsthat you're not good at, then we
can move forward, and that'sthe same for you.
If you can identify the thingsthat you're not good at, then we
can move forward.
But to be in denial about thethings that you're not good at,
(11:57):
I feel like, is a lot of thearea where fights and fuzzes can
happen.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
You're right, because a lot of times we don't say the
things that we're thinking orthe things that are, and so it
creates like we had an issueearly on in our marriage.
Money was and it wasn't.
It wasn't really money.
I was doing all of theaccounting hoopla, the unfund
(12:24):
things, paying bills.
Well, you and the Amazon driverwere on first name basis.
Speaker 2 (12:30):
We were besties.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Yes, they were dropping boxes, like the thing
that they put on your porch.
Okay, where you literally zipit up.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
You said when we first got married.
This was two.
Christmases ago, what you'rereferring to?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
The dude dropped off a box on our front porch that he
could put packages in that waswaterproof.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
It was their own Amazon warehouse situation that
they don't drop off at houses.
But we had one on our frontporch that he could just be like
.
I'm just going to refill thiswhen I come back tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Hey, welcome, I have a problem.
Well, you know, but anyway sowe had to have having those
discussions, communicating aboutthat was we had to do it in a
very healthy way.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
When we first got married, we viewed money very
differently.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yes, yes, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Like when I was a single mom, I had my own free
reign and I could do my ownthing.
And then you, as a single dad,you viewed money differently as
far as, like a business point ofview, because that's where you
came from.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
And I?
I did not, and so we viewed notthe value of money but um the
importance of money, futurebuilding, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I don't know what word.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
That's a different thing Anyway.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
But it was good for us to at least have that
conversation, and we alwaysrefer to money as a relationship
.
Yeah, what's your relationshipwith money Is?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
it a good one Healthy one?
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Is it unhealthy?
Is it like?
What's the relationship like?
So we talked through all thosethings because we knew what we
were good at, what we were notgood at.
Speaker 2 (14:15):
Yes, thank you for circling back on that so likely.
For the most part fusses,fights, disagreements, whatever
you want to label it they comefrom unmet expectations and most
of the time, unmet expectationscome from a lack of
(14:37):
communication.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
Right, a hundred percent.
And then when you fight usuallywhen you're fighting it's like
I've been done wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
And I want to.
I want to win.
I want to prove myself thatthat I'm right and you did me
wrong, like that's.
I need to be vindicated.
I want to prove myself thatthat I'm right and you did me
wrong, like that's.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
I need to be vindicated, I need to be, I need
to feel like I was right inthis Right.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yeah, and so when we were even having this discussion
, though, we started buttingheads over the whole idea,
because I was looking at theroot.
We're looking at fights.
I was looking at the root causeof like, why are you even
fighting in the first place?
Because that's the way I lookat everything.
I'm like everything has a rootto it.
(15:17):
So I'm pulling and pulling andpulling, looking for where did
this start, where's thebeginning of this?
And you were looking at it, I'ma silver lining girl.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Completely different and my viewpoint that we've
talked about multiple times onthe podcast.
My viewpoint is I see the bestin things, I see the good, I
need to see the positivity partand so in my worldview, my
perspective of, like, I'm goingto do the things I can as I go
(15:49):
throughout my day, my life,whatever, to make sure that we
don't hit those speed bumps, wedon't hit those roadblocks of
places where we could disagree.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Yeah, and you also hate conflict.
I do.
You don't like conflict at all,not at all.
And so you'll do anything toavoid it.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
I will, and that's good and bad.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Right, yeah, I'm not saying, if you're around,
someone who loves conflict.
There's a problem there too,yeah they're probably either an
MMA fighter or they have someissues.
Yeah, not slamming on MMAfighters.
I've got some friends who are,but it's at the same time.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
it's like no one loves conflict, no one loves
fighting uh, you're usuallytrying to figure out and you the
way you're wired.
Um, you don't love conflict,but you love the, the, the
places where you get to explorethe, the why and the.
You know what led you to whereyou're at.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
But then sometimes that's the gray area that makes
me uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
Yes, and so it's trying to figure, yeah, trying
to balance all that and figureit out.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
And so when we were having this discussion, we were
back and forth on.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
And we were quiet for a long time.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest
podcast prep times we've hadlong time.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
Yeah, this was probably one of the hardest
podcast prep times we've had.
I feel like it probably was thehardest ones because of our
different viewpoints and I don'tremember what got us to that
part where we were like okay,we're looking.
I think I said that, that we'relooking at this in two
different ways.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Well, we were all over the place.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Like we just couldn't get our head around it.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And so I called a great friend of mine.
I love dearly Mason.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
He's the one I talked about that did that really cool
quote from when he was at West.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Point we hadn't done that yet I really did actually.
We did during the practice, didwe?
Speaker 2 (17:43):
say it out loud here no, not yet.
Oh, cool, okay, well, go aheadand do that.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Anyway, mason, we kind of shared where we were
going, where we were at, whatwas going on, and he just—it was
really cool, he kind of—hedidn't say anything we hadn't
said, but it really helped us gookay, yeah, yeah, yeah, we see
it now.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yes, and I apologize for feeling like we had already
said this, but what he did sayis nonetheless important,
whether we said it out loud yetor not, but he said one of the
biggest quotes that he canremember from when he was at his
time at West Point was fromGeneral Schwarzkopf the more you
(18:21):
sweat in peacetime, the lessyou bleed in wartime.
Speaker 1 (18:26):
So the more you sweat during sex, the less you bleed
during fights, right.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
No, I mean that's during fights, right?
No, isn't that the I?
Speaker 1 (18:34):
mean, that's not the.
I'm sorry, I apologize.
I mean I didn't mean to.
I get what you're saying.
The whole idea is that if we'rebeing proactive.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Yeah, if you're working during the peacetime and
you're working on where you'regoing, your face, I can't get
over your cheesy grin.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
I'm sorry, I have a stupid grin on my face.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
I apologize, but it helps if you work all along
instead of just idling andcoasting, and you work on
communicating.
There's a lot of like quoteunquote battles that you will
avoid.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Right, yeah, of course.
Speaker 2 (19:13):
And there's a lot of things you can take into
perspective when you are goingthrough relationships together.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I mean Well, these are great things to have.
These are great talking points.
Yeah, if you're like, I don'tknow what we can talk about when
we go to dinner, all we talkabout is the kids.
Or this or that the other work,or here's some things to talk
about.
What was it like in your housewhen you were growing up?
Did you guys fight?
Did your family fight in frontof you?
(19:44):
Did you did?
Did people raise their voice?
Like what?
What was that like?
Like, allow each other theopportunity, because those
things 100% affect the way thatyou deal and you deal with
conflict in the way you fight inyour relationship.
Now, yeah.
Those things happen and.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I can say with 100% transparency that even this,
many years later, we still arelearning about one another.
I mean, there's still stuffthat comes up in conversation
was like, oh my gosh, you nevertold me that before Just about
what we experienced as we weregrowing up.
So it's important to take thosethings into account as a couple
(20:24):
as you go.
Like you've got differentpersonality types, you've got
different temperaments, you'vegot different love languages.
You've got, you know, like yousaid, the house you grew up in.
And even if you go all, howevermany years you've been together
, you go back to how did youenvision marriage in the first
place?
Like, are you hanging on tothat?
(20:46):
And it's not what you thoughtit might be.
So the root of some of yourintense fellowships comes from
that and you might not realizeit.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Right, and so it's just having this simple
discussion and maybe askingthose simple questions like what
do you expect out of marriage?
What do you expect out of me?
What do you expect out of ourmoney?
How do you see money, all thosethings Like time together, like
how do you, what do you expect?
(21:16):
Like what do you want time-wise?
Speaker 2 (21:18):
Like for real, be honest.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, and those are.
I mean, those are really reallydeep questions that you can get
into, like, for me, fightingwas that's just a thing at our
house.
It wasn't my mom, this is mydad.
He just couldn't controlhimself.
Yeah, um, but there was lots ofyelling, screaming.
It was very, uh, violent.
It's just sometimes it wasviolent at times, um, but for me
(21:41):
it was nothing.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
It was not that like I did.
I don't have vivid memories ofmy parents like communicating
about things in front of me.
Like my dad had a wacky workschedule.
He worked most of the timenights while I was growing up,
but what I do remember it waslike talks about like money or
things like that, and it was nota comfortable thing and I spent
(22:05):
a lot of time with mygrandparents and they did not
communicate with just the two ofthem a whole lot in front of me
and my cousins, and so I didn'treally know what that really
looked like, right, um, but andso for me, like it just came to
the, it just made me think aboutit the other day, and I don't
think I've shared this with youwe were, we went to the Braves
(22:27):
game, part of Jess's birthdayweek yay celebration.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
well, afterwards there was some guys in uh, we
were were at the Yard House andwe were hanging out, oh gosh,
and there were some guys—.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Such a disaster.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
No, it was not.
We were at—you see it that way.
Here's the difference righthere.
Okay, we're at Yard House andthese guys over there and they
had had too much to drink andthey were being loud and they
were just yelling and they weretrying to have fun, and then
they just took it too far.
Next thing, you know, this oneguy's shirt's completely
unbuttoned.
They're arm wrestling, knockingchairs over.
Speaker 2 (22:57):
One fella fell out of his chair all the way to the
ground he did.
I thought it was hilarious.
I thought it was funny, but meand my friend— Of course I
wasn't sitting next to themeither.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
But me and my friend am she and I were, we were
nervous, miranda was nervous,our daughter-in-law, we were
just like oh my gosh and I wasintrigued.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Yeah, you and thomas were zoned in like what's about
to happen?
Speaker 1 (23:16):
and so the guy you know cop, comes in, tells him to
leave, the guy starts screaming.
One guy starts screaming andyelling and he goes outside and
he's storming around just totalk and miranda's like that
makes me so nervous, I've neverseen seen that before.
And I was like what?
I was like you've never seenthat before and she's like no,
and I'm like bro, that's nothingLike.
(23:37):
It just reminded me like I grewup where that was absolutely
nothing Like.
You just ignored that.
So we all that to say.
We all have different stories,we all come from different
places and those places haveeverything to do with how we act
emotionally, mentally,physically in these situations.
And fighting usually is aheightened sense of emotions,
(24:00):
all those things that go into it.
So if you're not aware of those, you can make some really bad
decisions.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
You can.
There's a verse in James it'schapter 1, verse 19 that says Be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to anger.
There's a verse in James it'schapter 1, verse 19 that says Be
quick to listen, slow to speakand slow to anger.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
Yeah, some of those are hard for me.
A few of those things are hardfor me to do.
Speaker 2 (24:21):
I know which one is hard for you Slow to speak.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Because you are a good listener.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I'm full of opinions.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Well, you are full of opinions, but it's not out of
disrespect.
Your brain works on an ADDlevel of if I don't say what I
have to say right away, I'mgoing to forget my point.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
But when I'm on the receiving end of that, it feels
like interruption.
If I don't just remember,that's like how your brain
actually functions.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, and it's something I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
But it's okay that that's how you work.
Speaker 1 (25:03):
Well, I'm working on it and I was going to say
something the other day and Icaught myself and at the end of
it, you go what were you goingto say?
I caught myself and at the endof it, you go what were you
going to say?
And it's like I don't know.
I remember I have no idea, Iforgot.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
And for me I'm not quick to speak, I am a good
listener and I'm good at beingslow to anger, but then the face
you're making it takes me aminute to process, so I'm not
going to be quick to speak Likethere's pieces and parts of that
(25:35):
that you can pick apart thatare strengths and weaknesses for
each other, just like wherethere's holes way back to your
football analogy there's holesin that.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
Right.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
And so that's what really helped us develop some
guard wear Guard, wear Guard.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Maybe rails, rails, okay, that sounds.
I mean guard wear could work.
Guard wear, wouldn't those bepads?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
It could be Like shoulder pads, shoulder pads
yeah, I would love to wear apair of shoulder pads one time
and just lower my shoulder, andjust not you To me.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
No, no, no, no, man, you looked at me when you said
that.
Just lower my shoulder.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I mean, I'll lower my shoulder, michael, maybe.
Why are you so angry at Michael?
Speaker 1 (26:20):
He didn't do anything that I do.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
That's a great question.
What did Michael do?
Speaker 2 (26:25):
Obviously, I've never played football.
I've never played football.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I've played flag football a million times hitting
is the best part I was justabout to say how much fun so fun
until you get laid out andyou're like then it changes
things yeah, then you're likewhoa, why are there things
flashing like there's?
Speaker 2 (26:42):
lots of flashing things.
I just feel like if I couldjust wear all the pads one time
that's fun it hurts sometimes,but it's fun.
I feel like that would be sofun Anyway.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
The whole idea.
I mean honestly, I mean all ofthis with fighting.
We keep going back tocommunication and talk about it
and where you come from askingthose questions.
Yeah, like on your day.
It's the same analogy, and I'mjust full of analogies tonight.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I'm so proud of you.
You're so poetic, honey.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
There's the sarcasm drips from the microphone.
The communication aspect of nothaving these conversations
before and then just blowing upis about the same as walking
into a restaurant sitting at thetable.
When the server comes up, youjust look at them and make eye
(27:34):
contact.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
You expect them to know already what you want.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Right, you would say Greg, that's ridiculous, that's
foolish.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
But it's so not if you really think about it.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
But we operate that way in our relationships all the
time.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
I'm supposed to be able to walk into the room and
you're supposed to be able toread my facial expressions and
my body language and knowexactly what I'm feeling.
Sometimes I can.
It's weird, but I'm justkidding, I don't.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
If you think you can understand a woman, bro, get you
a podcast, write a book.
You're about to be filthy rich.
So I'm just saying we're, we'reall complicated, we're all um,
but it's just Women are not theonly ones that are complicated.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
Guys try to feel like oh, we're so simple.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Uh, we are.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
But you're not.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
Oh, we are no you're not.
No, you're not.
Nope, that's a differentpodcast.
Nope, are you kidding me?
Speaker 2 (28:37):
Okay, let's go through some rules the
guardrails that we talked about,that we actually do have for
our marriage.
Yes, look out for the bestinterest of each other.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
Correct.
What does that mean though?
Speaker 2 (28:53):
That's hard, though sometimes, when I feel like I'm
right and you feel like you'reright, it's so difficult to make
sure it's like I need to feel,like I can understand why you
think you're right.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
But you know what's weird, though, sometimes in an
argument, like we get into itand we're like neck deep into
this argument.
Like it's not we hadn't juststarted.
We've been into it Like we'reback and forth, or you know,
we're volleying back and forthlike this, comments and things,
and then it comes down to likethere's a part of this has
(29:29):
happened, okay.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Umbrella protection.
I'm going with you.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
So there's times where I'm just like you have a
force field.
Crap.
I think she's right and I'mwrong, but then I want to argue
my point anyway, just so I canfeel like and sometimes I just
catch myself trying to argue mypoint which I don't even believe
.
Sometimes I don't even think ifI know it's right, but I'm
(29:55):
still going to stick to my point, and I don't understand why I
do that, other than just pride.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
You're so cute.
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Well, I'm just being honest and so I mean so it's
almost like when you're lookingout for the best.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Would you?
Okay, here's a good question.
Do you think that you are morequick to be like okay, you're
right, I'm wrong.
Or if I'm more quick to be,you're right, you're wrong?
Speaker 1 (30:22):
I'm wrong Me.
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Do you think that?
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Because I analyze faster and quicker.
You do and it runs through mywhole and you're over there.
You're still in emotions,you're about to cry, which is
going to mess with my workingthrough emotions, because when
you start crying, all that justgoes out the window and I can't
focus.
I only cry when I'm really mad,though yeah, I know, I know
that, I'm well aware, I'm wellaware, and I don't like it, okay
(30:49):
.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
So, so, and I don't like it.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Okay so and I don't say it in an arrogant way, I
just think it's a.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
No, I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, we know each other and how each other works
really well at this point.
Speaker 1 (31:04):
Which also can be a bad thing, because when you do
that and you're not looking outfor the interest of someone else
, you know what buttons to push,you know which levers to pull.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Well, that's a whole different conversation of using
that as a weapon.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well, that's one of the rules.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Oh, gosh and okay.
Another rule that we have set Imean, this is from the get-go
no yelling.
We literally have never, ever,ever raised our voices at each
other, and we've never raisedour voices at our children
either.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
No, because I think if for me, if I'm doing that, I
am making decisions out ofemotion.
Yes, and I am not going to be.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
That doesn't feel intelligent.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
to me it's like if I can just scream the loudest,
then I'm going to get the mostattention.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
And intelligent.
That's a good word, and so I'mlike I don't.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
We had one time our kids Right when we did this.
This is in the beginning.
I was in the dining room.
This is our very first house wehad together, all of us
together.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I thought you were about to talk about the Disney
experience, the Orlandoexperience, disney experience,
the.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Orlando experience.
I'm trying to drag my skeletonsout, aren't you?
But anyway, it was.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
We were in the, Jess was in the other room in the
kitchen doing something, I wasin the living room at a table
and Thomas was raising his voice, yelling at you gotten some
emails from a couple of teachersand got a couple of like posts,
(32:34):
I guess, from the online reportcard system and they were not
so great reports and I wastalking to him, just like I'm
saying right now, and showinghim it was either on the
computer or on my phone, andshowing him it was either on the
computer or on my phone, likeokay, talk to me about this,
talk to me about this.
I was just asking somequestions.
Speaker 1 (32:58):
And his defense is where you're talking about.
And so, thomas, when he wasyounger, his defense mechanism,
when he was always wrong and heknew it yeah, we brought this to
attention later he would raisehis voice and get really loud
and really angry when he knew hewas wrong.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
And very, very defensive and just mean.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And so he was screaming and yelling to the top
of his lungs.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Really close to my face.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
Yeah, so I remember walking in there and it was
instinctive, like I didn't eventhink about it, and I got.
Speaker 2 (33:26):
You put yourself in between us.
Yes.
And I got right in Thomas'sface and I remember saying— you
backed him up against thecounter on the other side of the
room and he was probably what15, 14, something like that
Taller than me, already biggerthan me, which I feel like was
part of his trying to be thedominant figure too.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Maybe.
But then I was like, if youwant to yell at someone, yell at
me.
Don't you ever talk to your mom?
Speaker 2 (33:53):
yeah, it was like you're not talking to your mom,
you're not talking to my wifethat way.
So yeah, the the phrase isdoing that anymore the phrase
that sticks in Thomas's headstill to this day is nobody
talks to my wife like that.
I don't care if she's yourmother or not, it was just I
don't.
I don't like yelling, because Igrew up around a lot of
screaming and yelling and it'sjust.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
it's one of those things like we can have
conversations, intelligentconversations.
Share our emotions, share ourfeelings, if we can't take a
walk.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
Cool off, come back and let's share.
Speaker 2 (34:23):
And we're not saying we're so perfect and we don't
fuzz or fight or whatever.
Because in that same housewhere we first lived and we all
got together, there were severaltimes where you would put on
your weighted backpack and you'dgo walk the loop around our
neighborhood so that we couldhave an intelligent, not quite
(34:46):
so emotional conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Maybe some constructive conversation.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Constructive is a way , better say but you know?
But that all goes back to thathouse.
You grew up in some things thatyou need to take into
consideration.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Because when you start yelling, the next thing
that happens you always.
When you raise your voice, youstart yelling.
Next thing that happens is youstart name calling.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Yeah, that's a no-go.
You start trying to call names.
So we're like we're not goingto do that, we're not doing that
, you're not going to call theother person.
Because when you go from theyelling to the name calling,
things get physical, and thatdoesn't always mean putting your
hands on one another.
Speaker 1 (35:20):
They could be throwing things, no one should
be putting their hands on anyoneelse in a marriage.
If someone's putting theirhands on you and you're out
there, call Get help.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
Text us literally.
Don't stay in that We'll figureout how to get you some help.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
Yeah, so it's a terrible place to be.
It is.
But like, if you're in anargument, you're yelling, you
start calling names.
Then you naturally are going Ifyou want to win.
You're like I're going to starthurling insults, personal
insults at them.
You're going to start callingthem and I'm telling you, my dad
(35:55):
was the worst at this.
There's not a name you couldcome up with that haven't been
called by him, and then usuallyhe was drunk or hungover and
then the next day he'd be likeI'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
That's the thing I was about to say.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
And I always hated that.
So I always told my kids whenmy kids would, they bought me a
t-shirt and said I was likedon't be sorry, be different.
Yeah, because I was like Idon't care if you just say I'm
sorry.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
The front of it said don't be sorry.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
And the back said be different.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
Yeah, I was just like don't tell me you're An adult
loses control in the escalationthing that we were just talking
about.
It's like, oh, we're going togo to sleep and then tomorrow
we're going to just be likenothing ever happened.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
No, yeah, sorry, that's not how it works.
You don't get that Nobody saidmean words to someone else, that
you call someone else names, ifyou're.
If you're a, I may catch crapfor this, but if you're, if
you're in a fight and you'rethrowing things and punching
walls, that's the behavior of afive-year-old, like that's.
(36:57):
That's, that is, stop andfigure out where.
Why are you?
Why are you at that point whereyou need to throw something or
punch something?
Why do you?
Speaker 2 (37:07):
feel the need to be so like right quote unquote in
that situation where you can'tlisten to the other side and
you're going to literally pitcha fit so that you can get your
point across.
That doesn't make any sense atall.
Speaker 1 (37:21):
Because if you're doing that, you got some anger,
some pent-up anger that's downin there that this is a way for
it to come out and that is nothealthy.
I'm sorry, it's just, there's alot better ways to do that.
Don't be throwing things, andI'm not saying in the fact of
you feel like you're somethingbigger, like I mean, yeah, I
spent a lot of time in my lifeNot a lot of time, probably
(37:44):
three to four years of my lifedoing karate, did some
kickboxing, loved it.
I loved fighting.
Fighting was life.
Uh, doing karate, did somekickboxing, loved it.
I loved fighting.
Fighting was fun.
Like physical fighting was funfor me.
It was too fun for me.
That's why I had to get out ofit, because it wasn't healthy
for me.
I really enjoyed the fight partyeah, um but I enjoyed the
challenge.
but the idea was is that I don't?
I don't need to throw anythingor hit somebody, even when I'm
(38:09):
angry, that just this doesn'tmake sense?
I was like, if you'rethreatened, like if someone's
threatening you, like that's adifferent story.
That's not it.
We're talking about yoursignificant other.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Your partner that you're having a conversation
with.
There should be no reason.
People are throwing and hittingthings.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
That's what I wanted.
I want to loop back to like thesynonyms.
I know, as cheesy as you thinkit is, we've used the word fight
a lot and it doesn't meanphysical.
That's a different level andthat's something else that we're
not talking about right now,because that's a different level
(38:46):
that involves other people,other than podcasts.
If that's where you're at, youneed to get some seek, some help
, because there's people thatcan help you.
But I feel like, if we go backto the original purpose of what
we were talking about, of youknow, if you're disagreeing with
one another, the very basicbuilding block of your
(39:10):
relationship should be theability to listen to one another
.
Learn how to communicate in away where your partner can
listen to you and understandwhat you're trying to get at.
Speaker 1 (39:23):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
And a big part of that is don't interrupt each
other, and then it might take.
I mean, you and I are a goodexample.
It might take me a minute toget where I'm going and even if
you feel like you need to saysomething or whatever, just
don't interrupt each other,because that makes that other
(39:45):
person feel like it's not youknow.
Her or his feelings are notvalued, and then that's where
some fusses might come from.
So you know, that's a big thingto keep in mind too.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
So, as we wrap it up, remember those three things
money, communication, how wespend time together.
Those are the three things thatmost couples are fighting about
.
Figure which ones you you'regood at, which ones you're
lacking out.
Figure out a plan to how do wecommunicate, how do we close the
gaps on those, to be better atthose situations, sharing our
(40:23):
expectations for all of those,and let's figure out how to move
forward in a good, healthy way.
Sit down after you figure thatout.
Yeah, next step write down somerules for your fights.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
What are the?
Rules that we're going to bothtalk about, agree upon and then
do and be patient with oneanother while you figure that
out, because you're all workingtoward the betterment of your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
Yeah, this is an ongoing conversation.
You're probably not going tofinish this in one sitting.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
You may, you shouldn't, because as you go
through seasons it's going tochange.
Speaker 1 (40:54):
Yeah and whatever season you're in you're going to
have.
I mean, there's fights aredifferent for different seasons
around different things.
Speaker 2 (41:02):
So we know this unpacked portion has been
different because we've kind ofunpacked as we've gone through
Correct.
But it's impossible to not dothat when you're talking about
how to fight fair and how towork towards the same goal.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Yeah, so thank you guys for joining tonight.
Mm-hmm, keep your guard up,have fun.
I don't know.
I was holding my fist up, likeyou guys could see in a podcast.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
Yeah, when we paused this in, that's what we did.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Yeah, we're trying to make fight motions.
Speaker 2 (41:29):
It's okay.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
Hey, thanks for joining us, thank you Be sure to
like subscribe share.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Thanks for pulling up to the table while we talked
about fighting.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yeah, go fight fair, see you guys.
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