April 25, 2025 • 43 mins
The scheduling dance of blended families might be the most challenging choreography you'll ever learn. In this heartfelt episode, Greg and Jess dive deep into the complexities, frustrations, and unexpected joys of figuring out who gets the kids when—and how to do it with grace.
Drawing from their 13 years of experience navigating the waters of shared custody, they reveal how color-coded calendars became their lifeline and why perspective changes everything. With a simple yet powerful finger-pointing exercise, they demonstrate how two people can look at the exact same situation yet see completely different things—a perfect metaphor for co-parenting negotiations.
The conversation takes an honest turn as they address the painful reality that children will inevitably miss events that feel important to you. Rather than creating guilt or making demands, they share their philosophy of always extending invitations while accepting that kids will make their own choices, especially as they grow older. "It's not about you" becomes their mantra, repeated throughout as a necessary reminder for anyone trying to navigate these tricky waters.
Most powerfully, Greg shares the story of the mule in the well—a touching metaphor for how the dirt that seems to be burying you can actually become the steps that lead you out if you just keep shaking it off and stepping up. For anyone feeling stuck in the scheduling conflicts and emotional turbulence of blended family life, this episode offers not just practical advice but genuine hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Whether you're newly navigating the blended family journey or have been at it for years, this conversation delivers equal parts practical wisdom and emotional reassurance. The key takeaway? Keep communicating, keep perspective, and above all—keep moving forward.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
What's up?
Baggage Claim.
Thank you guys so much forjoining us again, for just
taking the time to pull up toour table with us.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, Grab your favorite
drink, Settle in, because we'retalking about one of those
really really fun things that weall deal with in a blended
(00:37):
family.
If you are in a blended family,this is the message podcast for
you.
You've all dealt with this.
You've all dealt with this.
You've all struggled throughthis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Some of our podcasts that we've done have been kind
of across the board, marriagefriendly.
This is really speaking ofblended families.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Now if you are in marriage, you can grab something
out of this, but this is comingfrom our real life situation of
living in a blended family.
But welcome to Baggage Claim.
Thank you guys, so much forlistening.
We now have downloads and someof you guys may be like.
So what?
Over 77 different cities acrossAmerica, we've finally topped
(01:20):
the 750 mark.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And this is episode number 10.
We are double digits old.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, we just went into double digits.
Yeah, so we're like—.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Two hands old.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
We're excited.
Thank you, guys, so much fordownloading and listening.
Thank you for sharing withfriends.
Yes, sharing with others.
Please let us know.
Jump in the comments.
We do read all those things Ifthere's something you want to
hear, something you want us totalk about, something you want
us to address.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yes, and a shout-out to Holly.
I feel like Holly's probablyone of our number one fans and I
appreciate your encouragementand I appreciate your enthusiasm
and for sharing and listening.
It really helps encourage us tokeep going and it does our
heart a lot of good to know thatyou are so excited about what
(02:03):
we're doing.
Thank you, holly.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Yeah, those do matter , like those emails, those text
messages, those messages that weget do matter, because
sometimes it feels like we'rejust talking into a microphone
and talking to each other, whichwe love because it's kind of
therapeutic for us and ProducerMichael.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, we're talking to you.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And our Producer, michael, is there with us.
But it's just, you know.
Thank you for your feedback, soappreciate it, but today, I
mean, we just had Easter and forthose of you, so we're going to
talk about the big S word.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Scheduling yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Schedules.
It can be the life and thedeath of a blended family.
It can.
It sounds so silly.
You're like how is thatpossible?
Yeah, but if you're in ablended family, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
You're like oh yeah, 100% yeah,even in your own family, though
, like if you're not in ablended family, if you don't
(02:59):
schedule and you don't handleyour schedule you don't handle
your calendar.
Yeah, it's going to be crazyanyway.
So maybe you can glean somethings out of this, as we share
out of some of the struggles andsome of the things we've
learned over the years ofsharing kids.
What we've done and what we'vedone and we say this with this
(03:20):
is our perspective of whathappened.
It is, it's not.
Let me start with this Divorcesucks.
I don't care what side you'reon, I don't care if you were the
side that was done wrong or youwere the side that was just
done, yeah, it doesn't matterwhich side you're on.
Divorce sucks.
It's hard on everybody.
It's hard on both couples.
(03:41):
It's hard on spouses.
It's hard on spouses.
It's both on.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
It's hard on the kids , um, and then that just
continues, yeah, and I'll say,on my perspective of even being
a widow at a young age, youstill want to balance both sides
of the family, like thefamily's not over, so trying to
also incorporate everything thatyou've always done to try to
(04:04):
keep normalcy for the littlesinvolved.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Like it's hard, yeah it is hard and you have these
grandiose ideas when you're like, oh, I love you, you love me,
this is awesome, we're going tocome back from our honeymoon and
it's just going to be thisbeautiful family.
And then you get into a cussingmatch with—.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
No, we didn't cuss.
No, we didn't cuss.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
No, we didn't, but you get into this, okay?
Intense negotiation about.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Intense fellowships.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah, who's spending time with who?
When are they doing that?
What does that look like?
How does that happen?
Yeah, you know.
So there's just so muchinvolved with that, yes, and
it's not fun, no.
So I'm going to ask you, though, before we get started, jess is
going to be TikTok to me,because I know you guys are
(04:51):
listening wherever you're at,whatever you're doing I want you
to do hopefully you're at astop sign or whatnot but I want
you to physically do somethingwith me.
Right now I'm on the whereveryou're at.
I want you to take your fingerand point, like you're pointing
to the sky, and I want you topoint it above your head, Like,
so, you're pointing your fingerabove your head.
Jess, you're not doing it.
(05:11):
Put your finger up, and then Iwant you to start moving your
finger clockwise.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So move your finger clockwise once over your head,
left to right, for my challenge.
Friends, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Okay, if you don't know which way the clock goes,
we've got a wholly differentpodcast for you.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Your finger is still above your head.
Okay, I teach first grade, sowe have to be very explicit with
our instructions.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Your finger is above your head, you're going
clockwise.
Start bringing it down to whereit's in front of your eyes.
Yes, still coming down in frontof you.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Just keep going until it's below you, and it's still
going in the same direction.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Which way is?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
it going.
Now it changed, changed to whatRight to left, which is Towards
yourself, counterclockwise.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Sorry, she can't use the word counterclockwise.
We're using it as clockwisewhen we're looking at it above.
I don't know why that'scomplicated for you.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
As I said, I teach first grade and so what is down
here?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
it's counterclockwise .
So, I teach first grade, and sowhat is down here?
It's counterclockwise, sonothing changed other than the
way that we're looking at that.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Other than your perspective.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Okay, so when we say perspective, you're all like
yeah, yeah, yeah, I want you tothink of it in a different way,
though, not just perspective.
It's the way you're seeingthings, so I may be looking at
my finger spinning this way overmy head.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
For our fans listening.
If you're not watching onYouTube, they're recording.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Someone who's spinning.
If you're looking, you may belooking as the finger is
spinning over your head, goingdude.
That's counterclockwise.
Your ex or your other person inyour life who you're
negotiating with for schedulingmay be looking at their finger
down below them, and it's goingcounterclockwise.
You're seeing the same thing,but you're arguing about not
(06:53):
seeing the same thing.
So I'm going to challenge youas you listen to this episode, I
want you to think about yourperspective, but more so, I want
you to think about theperspective of the other person
that you're talking to.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
And you'll hear us say this a lot if you listen to
us from start to finish.
And even today, the big pictureis it's not about you.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
No, and that's the hard part.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
That is the hard part .
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Yeah, because when you're talking about scheduling
with who gets who win, how doesthat work out?
If you're looking to win thatbattle every time you've already
lost.
You're not going to win thatevery time.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
And it's not about winning or losing.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
No, that's kind of the loss In our experience.
One thing that your ex-wife didthat was very helpful is that
she would make a calendar, andit would typically start around
spring break.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
We had two calendars One would come in October and we
would start negotiations in.
October, and then we would haveone in early spring.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
So that would include fall break to Christmas break
would be one calendar, and thenthe next calendar would be
spring break through summer, andso it was super helpful and she
would do it color-coded, likewhat she had planned versus what
she knew, what we had planned,and we could go back and forth
and negotiations weren'tnegative all the time.
(08:18):
It was difficult sometimes, itwasn't always negative, but that
was one thing.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
And it's not one of those things.
So if you're listening, you'relike I really want my kids.
Here's some things.
Like you have negotiables, likehey, these are activities that
if my kids are a part of,awesome.
If they're not, it's not theend of the world.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
It's not a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
But here's my.
I have one or two that I reallyreally really need the kids to
be at this, and so we both kindof tried to say, hey, we have
these things that I really wantthe kids to be at on her side
and on our side.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
But the reason why I brought that up is because we
had to keep the focus and youhad to help me remember too and
that is that it's not aboutourselves.
There's other pieces of familyinvolved.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Well, it's not only her and her time with them but,
their time with her extendedfamily and those things, and we
wanted our kids to be a part oftheir lives in that too.
So this is not a—if you're in ablended family and you're in a
take take, take, take takesituation, it's not going to
work.
Yeah, it's going to be hard.
Now there are some God help us.
(09:30):
There's some deadbeat dads outthere, there's some deadbeat
moms out there who don't reallywant to have time with their
kids, and for that I just saylove on your kids, support them,
don't bad mouth.
(09:51):
We never, ever, ever, under anycircumstance bad mouth.
We never, ever, ever, under anycircumstance, bad mouth.
Anybody, um, my ex, her husband, we were.
That was never on the table forus.
I was like I'm never going tosay anything harsh or ill-willed
about them because mama, yeah,I was like, and I'm not, I'm not
going to do that, I want tosupport them and what they're
doing and what they're at.
So that's not on scheduling,but anyway, that's a part, it's
a part of that whole idea,because what happens is we get
(10:12):
so passionately involved withthe idea of my kids have to be
here.
They want to be here.
If they don't, their life willnever be the same.
If they're not a part of thisgoing to the zoo with the class
that I set up to do that, andit's like wait a minute, okay.
Is it really like?
And we can, and some things youcan do together.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
It's okay to do things together, but then
sometimes there's there's thingsto just be like okay that's
yours, Because ultimately, youknow, no matter how hard you
work at it and no matter howselfless you try to be or
understanding, kids are going tomiss stuff that you don't want
them to miss.
So how do you handle that?
(10:51):
It hurts.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Yeah, the reality of that is that if you're a couple
and I see this a lot whentalking to blended couples, and
I see this a lot when talking toblended couples because when
you first separate, your life isyour kids, like your health and
your kids and sometimes youdon't do it intentionally, but
(11:18):
sometimes you put too much focuson the kids and their happiness
that you forget about yourselfand becoming the healthy version
of yourself.
Well, that doesn't change whenyou meet some guy.
There's that honeymoon stage,but then all of a sudden, it's
like it's all about the kids,it's the kids, the kids, the
kids.
And it's like we always saidthis and we always reminded
ourselves of this.
One of the artists was like Ilove you guys, but you guys are
(11:39):
going to leave us one day.
Like one day you're literallygoing to leave the house and go
do your own thing.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
It really does happen , we're living in that.
Yeah, and it happens, exceptfor one baby in the nest.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, we're, you know , lover, but it's just one of
those things.
It's when they do leave, you'relike, oh God, that was real, I
wasn't just blowing smoke.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, no, it's real, yeah, I know it's real.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, so they're leaving.
So it's like keeping the focus.
All that to say if yourhappiness with each other as a
couple is dependent on yourkids' happiness.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
You are doomed.
I mean, just to put it harshly.
You're doomed because yourhappiness as husband and wife
should not be dependent on thehappiness of your children, and
I don't care if that's a corefamily or a blended family.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I mean, that's the focus.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I mean, I think all families deal with that.
It's easier for moms.
Moms do this harder and you canspeak to this, so I don't want
to counsel myself in saying this.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Hashtag cancel Greg.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I think moms connect with their kids in a way for
they just love them and it'sjust like they can be jerks,
they can be brats.
It's like, oh, I still lovethem, they're my kids.
It's my baby, but then if Ileave my socks on the floor,
you're like you're such a nastyrat person, how could you ever
live in a home.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
That's not a personal thing.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
You walked in today from work trying to find your
flip-flops in the closet.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
No, I did not walk in from work.
I got out of the shower and Iwas like where are my flip-flops
?
Well, I had a stockpile in theliving room.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
You had a collection in the living room.
It it's been there for a fewdays and I have not said one
word.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Apparently my full-fledged living with me.
So when you're making thatanalogy.
That is not a personal analogy,I say that Okay, I do.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
But I'm saying we tend to sometimes see the best
in our kids and not the best inour spouse and the worst in the
spouse.
Yes, I would agree with that.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
So the idea is that sometimes, when we come to
scheduling an event, we think ifour kids aren't here, it is a
utter failure.
It is just like, oh my gosh,this is not going to work, it's
a failure.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
What if, when we're scheduling an activity now with
Mother's Day coming up?
I never fought for a Mother'sDay.
Actually, on Mother's Daysituation with your children,
right?
Because duh Well, we alwaysencourage them to situation with
your children.
Right Because duh.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
We always encourage them to spend with their mom
Because, duh, they're going tobe with their mama, right.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
But if it was another thing, if there was a situation
where I felt like it was reallyimportant that Callie and Cody
be there with me and you didn'tagree, what if you didn't see it
as important as I did?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Okay, what's your question?
Did we become enemies, did you?
That's right, did you?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
ask the question how would you handle that?
I don't feel like you and Ipersonally ever really
experienced that.
Just because we were reallymindful of the whole thing.
But for other folks, what ifthere was just this one thing?
I was adamant that all the kidshad to be at and you just
really didn't feel like it was athing that was not.
(14:52):
How would you have handled that?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
I would have asked the questions for you, like what
is the significance of thisthing that you really really
want them to be at?
Yeah, and why is it you reallywant them to be at this thing?
What are you really really wantthem to be at?
Yeah, and why is it you reallywant them to be at this thing?
Right, what are you lookinglike?
What do you want to accomplishwith that?
What are you trying to achievewith that?
I'm going to, as your husband,one thing we always do is we
(15:17):
always supported each other infront of the kids.
Yes, whether I agree with youor not, I was going to support
you.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
And we still do that with the grown-ups.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Now, sometimes I would support you, and then we'd
pull aside and be like pleasehelp me understand what you
meant by that.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
You're full of crap.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
I don't get that, but we wouldnever do that in front of the
kids.
No, never, no.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
So it was always like , okay, I'm going to figure,
make sure, because I want tohonor you as my wife, because
Thomas and Grace, you're theirmom, Callie and Cody you're
their extra mom.
I'm the extra, the bonus mom,yeah, the bonus mom.
So it's not like they have amom, so it's not like we're
(15:56):
asking you to take the place ofthat.
That's not, it at all,absolutely not, and I never
intended to.
And so we always try to dosomething all together outside
of Mother's Day, like a coupledays before.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Even the weekend before, weekend after we did
this one of my favorite things astrawberry picking day that we
did.
Do you remember that?
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Yeah, it's at Jaymoor .
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, jaymoor.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Farms.
Yeah, it's become Shout out.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
In our local area.
It's an orchard and farm forproduce.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
But it was one of those things that was a—you have
to be—like for you.
You were always flexible in thesense of like it didn't have to
happen on Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
No, I learned—I had learned to find joy in what I
could do with all of them.
What I could do with all ofthem and just experiencing
family as growing up or as anadult, and having my own mom and
a mother-in-law, and then nowyour mother is my mother-in-law
(16:56):
and it's like you have to findjoy where it happens.
And it may not be actuallyliterally on Mother's Day, but
that was just what my heart hadto learn.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
But Mother's Day also is just a time to celebrate
moms.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
So it doesn't have to be on—it doesn't count if it
doesn't happen on that day.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
No.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
So sometimes we get so caught up and in blended
families like sometimes wecelebrate Christmas, it's not on
Christmas, you celebrateholidays not on that holiday,
but you celebrate them when youhave them.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Because kids will miss things that you really
wouldn't want them to miss.
If you boil it down honestly.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh, they're going to 100%.
They're not going to be ateverything that you want them to
be at.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
No, and as they grow up, they may not see things as
important as you do.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Well, I can guarantee you, they will not.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
I was being sweet about it.
I can guarantee you so all wecan do is invite them and let
them know that it's important toyou.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yep, and I got in a conversation with a friend of
mine because we were talkingabout this very same issue and
he goes man, I keep inviting thekids, inviting the kids,
inviting the kids, and they justkeep turning me down.
He's like I just don't want toinvite them anymore because it
just feels like I'm just bangingmy head against the wall.
And I was like, well, it feelsthat way, but you need to always
(18:20):
know like for me, and I waslike I can't answer for you and
your situation, but for me andmine, I'm going to constantly
push for my kids.
I'm going to invite my kids toevery single thing I do because
I want them to be a part ofmy—if they show up for every
single thing, I'm going to bestoked.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Fantastic.
Yeah, I'm going to be like soexcited I'm going to love them
anyway.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yeah, but if they don't, I'm not going to love
them any less, but at the sametime, because they're living
their own lives, but when Istart saying, well, I'm just not
going to invite them becausethey don't ever come, I don't
want my kids to ever feel notwelcome.
You can show up at my houseanytime you want, as my kids.
That's our policy.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Right, we have four kids together and some of them
live one in our home, one in ourcity and then the other two
live either 45 minutes or fivehours away.
But we invite all four of themto be a part of the same things
and sometimes the five-hour-awaykid might show up.
(19:20):
This is hypothetically speaking.
Sometimes the kid that lives inthe same city as us might show
up and sometimes the kid thatlives in our home may not show
up and the 45-minute-away kidmay not show up A combination of
whatever.
But all four of them alwaysknow that they are invited and
they're wanted.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Yes, you're always welcome.
Yes and so— You're alwayswelcome, yes.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
We have the, I guess the benefit, I guess maybe the
word of we have adult childrenwhere we can invite and they can
make that choice, but alsothat's like yikes.
This is where we're at.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
You had to be okay.
For when they say no, no, I'mgood.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Yeah, it's just like— Thank you for inviting me.
I was like, ah, but at the same, no, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yeah, thank you for inviting me, but at the same
time, I want to be excited forthem and having their own thing.
So, whether you're at, you maybe in this and you'll be like
bro, my kids are hanging on myleg right now, like I'm
listening to this and I got kidscalling on my head.
I'm telling you, I am tellingyou 100%, they're going to grow
(20:25):
up and they're going to move out.
They're going to go to college,they're going to go do their
own thing.
So make sure, when you'rethinking through this, don't
think of this one event beingthe end-all be-all.
Think of the big picture, takeback and remember.
Am I looking at my fingersspinning underneath or am I
looking at it from above?
Are we looking at the samething?
(20:46):
Look at the big picture of itand constantly remember that
Perspective is everything.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
So I know that we just and we talk a lot about our
point of view with our adultchildren, but when they were
little and we were schedulingwith people outside of our
control and the kids wereoutside of our control for of
our control when they weren't-with us.
But the main thing that wealways kept in mind and we had
(21:13):
to remind each other, sometimeswhen the kids weren't looking,
but the kids are always watchingand listening to how you behave
when the scheduling or theconflicts or the disagreements
happen.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah.
So, say you're in negotiationsof who's going to do when, and
sometimes you get frustrated, orsometimes you get— we didn't
always succeed in this, but itwasn't— but it was something we
tried really hard to do, but wedidn't always succeed.
No, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Like my ex was very good about working through
things.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah, she was, and so we always had the opportunity
to— I love that when we wouldmake a change, that she would go
in and she would fix thecalendar and she would email us
a new one so we couldimmediately print it and put it
back on the fridge so we couldfigure it out.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yes, it was amazing that she would actually print
the schedule out Like we wouldwork through the calendar and
have it Colored, and so it wouldbe up for all of us to see,
because that's a huge thing, forit's that whole communication.
It's not just about you sayingsomething, it's about what the
other person is hearing.
Yeah, communication is not, soshe wanted to make sure that all
that was clear.
(22:25):
Yeah, um, who's going wherewhen?
What timers are we dropping off?
Because sometimes, with the wayour family, she has a big
family, I have a big family.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Uh, we have a big family and then we had to mix in
my little family in that too,it was just like yeah so there's
lots of like times were likehey, these times we can stick,
these times, which was good.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
So, in all of that, what we're talking about, though
, is like, if I'm frustrated orI'm mad, or I'm upset, those
kids are watching what I say,they're watching how I react.
They're watching everythingthat has to do with them, so be
very, very, very mindful of howyou respond, how you react, and
(23:08):
then again.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
If I'm— you have to be the good example.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Right.
If I'm frustrated, I'm mad.
I'm not saying that in front ofthe kids.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
You get to feel that way.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Obviously you have every right to feel those ways,
Because I will guarantee you shefelt the same way about us
Totally And—.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And that's not being ugly.
That's just saying that's justpart of it.
It's just a whole big picture.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
That's trying to figure out the whole scheduling
thing, and so it's tough,because you got Mother's Day,
you got Father's Day, then yougot vacations, and then, when
the kids are going on vacation,she goes on vacation or he goes
on vacation, then we go onvacation, and so it's like
trying to figure all thosevacations out.
And, oh yeah, the kids areplaying sports during the summer
, so we got a summer camp.
(23:50):
It's not only all of those, butthen we'd have summer camps on
top of that.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
The kids would go off to church camps.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
And so it's just like it's a nightmare.
So I want to say it right nowJust take, if you're there and
you're in this, take a deepbreath, just go.
Okay, let's keep our eyes onthe big picture.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It's not about you.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Yeah, and just be like what's best for the kids,
because those poor little kids,what's best for us as a family?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
How old they are, however old they are, because
when you and I got together,callie and Cody were relatively
young.
Yep, and those poor little kids, they're the ones that are
going back and forth and feelingpulled, this and that, and your
children, friends that arelistening.
If you're sharing your childrenwith their mother or father,
(24:38):
they are the ones you're goingto and fro.
And it goes back to kind oflike what I was saying earlier
that kids are going to miss somethings that you really wish
that they wouldn't, Right and it.
whether it be for schedulingconflict or it's by choice, at
some point it's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
And it's not the kid's fault.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
No, it's really not.
No, it's really not.
There has to be a point whereyou're like you just got to be
okay with it.
You have to Like the very firsttime because I don't even know
what's the date.
When does Father's Day fall?
It's in June, like mid-June.
Okay, so Father's Day falls inthe absolute worst time.
Everybody who planned Father'sDay give me a buzz.
(25:22):
I want to talk to you.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
It probably was a day , because it's a crappy timing.
They were just trying to makeup for Mother's Day.
It was like, oh, yeah, yeah,yeah, oh, if you get a day, then
I get a day too.
I'll get a day.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
So because, like Mother's Day, there's absolutely
nothing going on other thanlet's set the world on fire for
moms and we're about to get outof school, but we're still in a
relatively normal schedule.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Yeah, we just get to celebrate woo for that weekend.
Father's Day is like man, we'reout of school.
Oh wait, no, we're not home.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Yeah, we're not even in town, we're not even in the
state of Georgia, so bye.
I think the first time my kidsweren't around for Father's Day
it was one of those kind oflike—.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
It was difficult.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
C Like this isn't fun .
But I didn't say that to thekids.
No, what we did is we're likeokay.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
We had already planned to go out of town the
next weekend with the kids.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Well, yeah, they were gone on vacation with their mom
during Father's Day and ofcourse I could get, because this
was a part of me, this is myperspective.
Yeah, it's just where I was.
I was like how dare you plan avacation on Father's Day?
You intentionally take themfrom me on Father's Day.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Meanwhile on the other end of it, your ex and all
of her siblings and there's abunch of them had rented this
home for all of them to stay inand their mother and father were
still with us and it was a hugedeal that they could all go
together.
So on the reverse side, it wasthis huge, wonderful time where
(26:57):
they got to go to be togetherwith their father, granddad,
still with them.
So it was like okay, we got tolook at the big picture, not to
say that you and I silentlydidn't be like okay, I want to
pitch a little bit of a fit.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Well, right, yeah, because that's normal.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
And for you to say you know you'd be like, well,
you should just demand.
I can demand those things, butwho does that help?
Speaker 2 (27:22):
And what does that do ?
But would that be fair on theother side?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Right, because I don't want to take them from
that trip and that opportunitytoo.
So it's like look, we cancelebrate Father's Day some day
outside of Father's Day?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
The following weekend when we went to the beach
together.
So it was just like, like yousaid, like when we're talking
about Mother's Day, it doesn'thave to be on that day, it
doesn't have to be on that day,right?
Speaker 1 (27:45):
So this is that thing I'm telling you, and you know
this.
If you're a blended family,because between you and I, jess,
this had an opportunity tobecome a really big rift between
us, you would be like, well,why don't you demand this or why
don't you do this?
And we went back and forth alot of times, but it was just
(28:05):
like this is not what's.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Silly.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Yeah, we can't do that, no, so.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
No, it's silly and like I mean this might be the
third or fourth time I've saidthat in this very episode.
It's not about you, Becauseit's not Right.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's just not.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Right, it's just not Right.
You have a good knowledge.
Are you allowed to havefeelings and wants for what's
going on in your family?
Yes, of course you are.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah, a thousand percent.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
When you and I chose to put our collective families
together, with all the baggageand the stories and the wounds
that came with it.
We can't make that be aboutwhat we want.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Right, yeah, that baggage is not our baggage.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
No, we just kind of got to carry it and be done it
would not be kind of us norright in any way to ask our kids
to carry that baggage with us.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So yes, 100% yeah.
So you have spring, you havefall, you're two big scheduling
times.
Jess has made it abundantlyclear it's not about you.
But in the same sense, I wantto stress to you please don't
(29:20):
make your happiness as a coupleall about the happiness of your
kids.
Love your kids, instruct yourkids.
Love your kids, instruct yourkids.
Tell them the truth.
Don't bring your crap and yourbaggage into your kids' lives
and unpack it on them.
It's not theirs, it's yours,it's not.
So when you're scheduling,sometimes you get frustrated and
(29:42):
you tend to want to do that.
Don't no, it's just not, it'snot, it's not right.
And so it's like allow yourselfto step back and say, okay,
what's my perspective?
Look at your perspective andit's not that the other person.
Now, I'm not saying there'ssome people out there who may
intentionally just try to dothings to hurt you.
(30:03):
That's not the majority ofplaces.
Even if they're trying to dothat to hurt you, that's not the
majority of places.
Even if they're trying to dothat to hurt you, don't give
them the satisfaction ofallowing them to do that.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Of allowing it to hurt you.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah just you deal with it, you figure it out, you
control what you can control.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You can.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And that's up to you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
What you can't, you can't make those decisions, you
can't stretch the boundaries, no, and if you're in what feels
like a battle, with a personthat you might share your
children with outside of yourcurrent situation, if your kids
are old enough, keep invitingthem.
Let them know what's happening.
Give them the schedule.
If you have to print it out, ifyou have to send an invite to
(30:41):
their phone, invite them andthey can help make choices for
what they want to do.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Will they choose to not to?
Yeah they might.
And will that hurt and breakyour heart?
Yeah it will.
But at least you can know thatthey know that you want them
there Right.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Yep 1,000%.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
I feel like that's the bottom line is that the kids
no matter whose actual childrenthey are, you know, they need
to know that you want them thereand then at some point it is
their choice.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah that's true.
So how do we unpack this?
So what does the unpack looklike, the section where we look
at and go okay, so we've talkedabout a lot of application.
We've talked about the hardthings, the fun things, the bad
things.
So how do we, if we'reunpacking this, what is one
thing we can do to try to fixthis or make this better?
Speaker 2 (31:41):
Well, one thing that we've touched on a couple times
is better.
Well, one thing that we'vetouched on a couple times is,
although it may not becomfortable or always positive,
the communication with the otherparent is number one.
You just have to.
I mean, whether or not it'sreceived in a positive light or
(32:02):
they choose to incorporate yourwishes into their plans, you
have to be able to tell yourselfnow I know that I communicated.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Right, and I'll say how you communicate.
That is huge.
Yes, like when we would alwaysdo a calendar even in spring or
in fall, the very first emailslash text message was like this
is a working calendar.
This is our starting point.
This is not our end point.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
So we're starting with this, and there was always
always.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Always.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
We always made changes.
We did so when starting don'tstart like and go this is what I
want.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
If I don't get this, I'm going to pitch a fee and
nine times out of ten, yourex-wife, she, would start the
calendar and she would email itto both of us with quote,
unquote editing access so thatwe could add to or do whatever.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Well, we always, too, communicated with her.
Here's when our vacation is, assoon as we try to nail down our
vacation.
Here's our vacations.
Here's what we're trying to do.
Here's something fun we'retrying to do that we want the
kids to be a part of Like withThomas.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
He would be out of town, we would go out of town,
and usually in the summer once amonth for about three days for
his mountain bike races orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
But also, too, we would schedule out because we
had kids for seven days, she hadfor seven days, so we would
schedule out all summer.
Hey, when summer's out 7-7-7,when they would switch vacations
when we were switching.
So we tried to plan.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
And we would work with one another.
To like if a vacation with youand I would back up to the
following week that was for youand I, we would split.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, we figured it out, but because?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
we communicated.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
It's a give and take.
It's not always going to befavorable to you, but you know
what it wasn't always easy, butwe really did.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
truly, it's all about communication with the other
parent and, like I said a minuteago, it's about communication
with the kids as you go throughit.
And, like we said a few minutesago, too earlier, when you're
communicating with the kids,it's about modeling that
behavior of not being ugly, notsaying ugly things about their
(34:16):
other parent.
It's about modeling like, okay,here's what we're doing and
here's the dates, so this iswhat we're communicating with
your mother slash father andthis is what we're doing Because
they're going to pay attentionto how you do that.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
So this is for and this is a side note, I don't
this just literally just came tome because we dealt with this
for a while and this was hardfor me.
This just literally just cameto me because we dealt with this
for a while and this was hardfor me.
This was really hard for me inthe beginning because I had the
kids for seven.
So, like best case scenario, Ihad the kids for 15 days a month
.
That's it period.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Period.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
A lot of those were school days.
We're just doing school, we'rejust doing things but say it's a
Friday, we're switching on aFriday, it's a Friday, we're
switching on a Friday, my kidsare having a—a friend's having a
sleepover and they want to gosleepover on a Friday.
We had something planned as afamily that we wanted to do fun
(35:11):
on a Friday.
So do I tell my kids no, youcan't go do that, sleep in, I
want you to go do this.
That was one of those thingswhere it was like I got to let
go and do what's best for thekid and be like go have fun, be
your friends, go enjoy that.
What we try to do in that isthe exchange and we'll talk
about this in a later episode,about the whole exchange, our
(35:34):
exchange.
We moved it to a Sunday nightbecause nothing it was Fridays
in the beginning.
Yes, and then we just realizedthat's crazy.
It's in the middle ofeverything, so let's do Sunday
nights, because nothing happenson Sunday nights.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
We're just going to go home and eat supper and get
baths and get ready for school.
Yeah, nobody's going out.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
Nobody's going to do things.
It's a good night to switch, sowe move that to Sunday nights.
But just be mindful if it'syour weekend to have the kids
and your kids and they want togo do something with their
friends, allow them to go dothat, because if you don't and
you're like, no, no, no, this isyour time with me, you're going
to spend this time with me.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
You create a guilt complex.
Yes, and that's not healthy foranybody.
No, it's not.
And so again, that's probably astory for another day, but at
the same time but I also, as apart of the communication, with
the calendar, with the ex, thefamilies that are outside your
family, and the children.
Don't make the kids feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
No.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Don't make them feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Do not use your kids as a bargain.
No, like, that's not the roleof that.
Do not do that.
If you're doing that, bro, stop.
You got some issues you need towork out within yourself.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Go see a counselor.
Work through your crap.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Don't use kids as a bargaining tool or a guilt trip,
even when they're little, andyou're trying to guilt them into
wanting to be with you.
And as they grow up, you mightbe trying to guilt them to want
to do what you want to do.
Yeah, but we don't want to makethem feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Yeah, don't put that crap on your kids, because the
bottom line is it's not aboutyou.
Yes, dang it, I'm getting good.
Okay, well, let's.
You got anything else to end inthe wrap up?
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
I didn't pick out a question for today.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Okay, that's cool.
So I just want to say again I'mso excited you guys are
listening and, man, we getpositive feedback from you guys
and it's so fun.
Please, if you haven't alreadyhit the like, hit the subscribe
button, Tell your friends.
Tell your friends Share it withsomeone.
Just hit that share button,Send it over to some friends and
(37:34):
just—.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
We had a lot of excitement and a lot of shares
when we first started.
We want to pick that back up.
Yeah, because we truly areinvesting a lot of time in this,
not because, like hey, I wantto make you feel guilty, like we
just talked about Not trying tomake you feel guilty.
It's just like we really areinvesting in this because we
truly feel like this is a thingthat we're supposed to be doing.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
Right.
Well, when we put this together, we were looking, looking,
looking, looking for somethingto help us, just some
encouragement, some advice andsome things, just to keep going.
And so that's why, that'sliterally why we're doing this.
So I want to tell you, and I'mnot going to get emotional, so
(38:13):
I'm going to try not to it'sokay, if you do, though it's
meaningful for us.
I was texting with someone todaywho just has gone through a
divorce Kids and it brought meback to I remember how lonely it
(38:34):
felt, how defeated I felt, howhorrible I felt about myself and
that's no slam on anyone, thatwas me.
But that conversation I washaving took me back to there and
I just want to say, if you'relistening to this and you just
came through a divorce, I'mgoing to tell you this Reach?
(38:57):
Out.
Yeah, and get up and put onefoot in front of the other.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
And reach out to us yeah keep moving, keep moving
forward.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Like I know, sometimes you just want to sit
and you don't want to doanything.
You don't want to get out ofbed, you don't want to do
anything productive.
Just go, do somethingproductive.
If it's just walk, just I'mtelling you there's light at the
end of the tunnel.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
Keep moving forward.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Yeah, don't give up and just keep moving, because
we're married 13 years, almost,yeah, this October.
If you would have asked me this14 years ago Absolutely not I
would have been like absolutely,I could not have seen this.
You can't see what's around thecorner.
But I'm telling you there'ssomething really, really good
(39:44):
there.
I'm going to share the storyand I promise this will be it.
Okay, I remember it was alwayslike it felt like every time you
got a good, like you made astep forward.
(40:05):
There was two steps back and Iheard this story and it so
reminded me.
I got emotional when I heardthis story, but it's an old
fable, an old story, and justbear with me.
There's a mule who falls in thiswell on a farm.
A mule falls in the well andhe's just like it's an old, dry
well and so he's in the bottomof this well and he's like, oh
(40:25):
my gosh, I can't get out of this.
Well, what am I going to do?
This is it?
This is like I'm done.
I'm in the bottom of this welland the mule is oh my gosh,
there's a farmer.
I'm saved.
Well, the farmer takes theshovel and just takes the dirt
and starts throwing it in on topof the mule.
The mule's like what is hedoing?
(40:47):
He's just burying me.
And so, as he's throwing thedirt and the gravel on top of
him, the mule starts to shakethe dust and the gravel off and
he takes a step up.
And he realizes, as the farmerkeeps throwing more and more on
top of him, as he shakes and ashe takes a step up, I'm getting
closer to the top.
(41:08):
And so the reality is is thatthe things that are in your life
that feel like you're justgetting beat down, thing after
thing after thing, is justfalling on top of your head.
If you just shake it off andkeep stepping up, you're going
to get out of it.
It will happen.
Just don't get caught up in the.
I'm a victim.
(41:30):
I can't get out of this.
Nothing's going to change.
There is light.
Just keep moving.
So, even if you're in yourblended family and you're just
feeling stressed and you're justlike dude, I can't do this
anymore.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
It's not fun anymore.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
Yeah, yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
And if you feel like you can't,reach out to us and I would
love to just chat with you andjust see what we can do to help
you.
So not to end on a happy note Idon't know, maybe this is a
good note, but I'm just sayingwhatever it is that's hitting
you this week, shake it off andstep up.
Shake it off and step up,because there's more coming to
(42:11):
that.
And they were just all the oldmules stuck in the bottom of a
well just trying to get out.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Oh, that is so funny.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
But anyway, thanks for listening to Baggage Clean,
yeah, woo-hoo.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
So again, hey, if you're a teacher like me, I can
tell you we're less than 30 days24 days left until kids are
gone.
If you're in my school system,yes, yes, so in Georgia or my.
Abc countdown in first grade.
Tomorrow is day for dance partyWoo.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
I have no comment to any of that.
I'm a fan, hey listen.
Thank you guys for listening,thank you for all the downloads,
thank you for the shares.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
Yeah, so peace out.
Have a good one.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
What's up?
Baggage Claim.
Thank you guys so much forjoining us again, for just
taking the time to pull up toour table with us.
Wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, Grab your favorite
drink, Settle in, because we'retalking about one of those
really really fun things that weall deal with in a blended
(00:37):
family.
If you are in a blended family,this is the message podcast for
you.
You've all dealt with this.
You've all dealt with this.
You've all struggled throughthis.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Some of our podcasts that we've done have been kind
of across the board, marriagefriendly.
This is really speaking ofblended families.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Now if you are in marriage, you can grab something
out of this, but this is comingfrom our real life situation of
living in a blended family.
But welcome to Baggage Claim.
Thank you guys, so much forlistening.
We now have downloads and someof you guys may be like.
So what?
Over 77 different cities acrossAmerica, we've finally topped
(01:20):
the 750 mark.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
And this is episode number 10.
We are double digits old.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Yeah, we just went into double digits.
Yeah, so we're like—.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Two hands old.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
We're excited.
Thank you, guys, so much fordownloading and listening.
Thank you for sharing withfriends.
Yes, sharing with others.
Please let us know.
Jump in the comments.
We do read all those things Ifthere's something you want to
hear, something you want us totalk about, something you want
us to address.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yes, and a shout-out to Holly.
I feel like Holly's probablyone of our number one fans and I
appreciate your encouragementand I appreciate your enthusiasm
and for sharing and listening.
It really helps encourage us tokeep going and it does our
heart a lot of good to know thatyou are so excited about what
(02:03):
we're doing.
Thank you, holly.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Yeah, those do matter , like those emails, those text
messages, those messages that weget do matter, because
sometimes it feels like we'rejust talking into a microphone
and talking to each other, whichwe love because it's kind of
therapeutic for us and ProducerMichael.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, we're talking to you.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
And our Producer, michael, is there with us.
But it's just, you know.
Thank you for your feedback, soappreciate it, but today, I
mean, we just had Easter and forthose of you, so we're going to
talk about the big S word.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Scheduling yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Schedules.
It can be the life and thedeath of a blended family.
It can.
It sounds so silly.
You're like how is thatpossible?
Yeah, but if you're in ablended family, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.
You're like oh yeah, 100% yeah,even in your own family, though
, like if you're not in ablended family, if you don't
(02:59):
schedule and you don't handleyour schedule you don't handle
your calendar.
Yeah, it's going to be crazyanyway.
So maybe you can glean somethings out of this, as we share
out of some of the struggles andsome of the things we've
learned over the years ofsharing kids.
What we've done and what we'vedone and we say this with this
(03:20):
is our perspective of whathappened.
It is, it's not.
Let me start with this Divorcesucks.
I don't care what side you'reon, I don't care if you were the
side that was done wrong or youwere the side that was just
done, yeah, it doesn't matterwhich side you're on.
Divorce sucks.
It's hard on everybody.
It's hard on both couples.
(03:41):
It's hard on spouses.
It's hard on spouses.
It's both on.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
It's hard on the kids , um, and then that just
continues, yeah, and I'll say,on my perspective of even being
a widow at a young age, youstill want to balance both sides
of the family, like thefamily's not over, so trying to
also incorporate everything thatyou've always done to try to
(04:04):
keep normalcy for the littlesinvolved.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Like it's hard, yeah it is hard and you have these
grandiose ideas when you're like, oh, I love you, you love me,
this is awesome, we're going tocome back from our honeymoon and
it's just going to be thisbeautiful family.
And then you get into a cussingmatch with—.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
No, we didn't cuss.
No, we didn't cuss.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
No, we didn't, but you get into this, okay?
Intense negotiation about.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Intense fellowships.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Yeah, who's spending time with who?
When are they doing that?
What does that look like?
How does that happen?
Yeah, you know.
So there's just so muchinvolved with that, yes, and
it's not fun, no.
So I'm going to ask you, though, before we get started, jess is
going to be TikTok to me,because I know you guys are
(04:51):
listening wherever you're at,whatever you're doing I want you
to do hopefully you're at astop sign or whatnot but I want
you to physically do somethingwith me.
Right now I'm on the whereveryou're at.
I want you to take your fingerand point, like you're pointing
to the sky, and I want you topoint it above your head, Like,
so, you're pointing your fingerabove your head.
Jess, you're not doing it.
(05:11):
Put your finger up, and then Iwant you to start moving your
finger clockwise.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So move your finger clockwise once over your head,
left to right, for my challenge.
Friends, yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Okay, if you don't know which way the clock goes,
we've got a wholly differentpodcast for you.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Your finger is still above your head.
Okay, I teach first grade, sowe have to be very explicit with
our instructions.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Your finger is above your head, you're going
clockwise.
Start bringing it down to whereit's in front of your eyes.
Yes, still coming down in frontof you.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Just keep going until it's below you, and it's still
going in the same direction.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Which way is?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
it going.
Now it changed, changed to whatRight to left, which is Towards
yourself, counterclockwise.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Sorry, she can't use the word counterclockwise.
We're using it as clockwisewhen we're looking at it above.
I don't know why that'scomplicated for you.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
As I said, I teach first grade and so what is down
here?
Speaker 1 (06:02):
it's counterclockwise .
So, I teach first grade, and sowhat is down here?
It's counterclockwise, sonothing changed other than the
way that we're looking at that.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Other than your perspective.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
Okay, so when we say perspective, you're all like
yeah, yeah, yeah, I want you tothink of it in a different way,
though, not just perspective.
It's the way you're seeingthings, so I may be looking at
my finger spinning this way overmy head.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
For our fans listening.
If you're not watching onYouTube, they're recording.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
Someone who's spinning.
If you're looking, you may belooking as the finger is
spinning over your head, goingdude.
That's counterclockwise.
Your ex or your other person inyour life who you're
negotiating with for schedulingmay be looking at their finger
down below them, and it's goingcounterclockwise.
You're seeing the same thing,but you're arguing about not
(06:53):
seeing the same thing.
So I'm going to challenge youas you listen to this episode, I
want you to think about yourperspective, but more so, I want
you to think about theperspective of the other person
that you're talking to.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
And you'll hear us say this a lot if you listen to
us from start to finish.
And even today, the big pictureis it's not about you.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
No, and that's the hard part.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
That is the hard part .
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Yeah, because when you're talking about scheduling
with who gets who win, how doesthat work out?
If you're looking to win thatbattle every time you've already
lost.
You're not going to win thatevery time.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
And it's not about winning or losing.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
No, that's kind of the loss In our experience.
One thing that your ex-wife didthat was very helpful is that
she would make a calendar, andit would typically start around
spring break.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
We had two calendars One would come in October and we
would start negotiations in.
October, and then we would haveone in early spring.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
So that would include fall break to Christmas break
would be one calendar, and thenthe next calendar would be
spring break through summer, andso it was super helpful and she
would do it color-coded, likewhat she had planned versus what
she knew, what we had planned,and we could go back and forth
and negotiations weren'tnegative all the time.
(08:18):
It was difficult sometimes, itwasn't always negative, but that
was one thing.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
And it's not one of those things.
So if you're listening, you'relike I really want my kids.
Here's some things.
Like you have negotiables, likehey, these are activities that
if my kids are a part of,awesome.
If they're not, it's not theend of the world.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
It's not a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
But here's my.
I have one or two that I reallyreally really need the kids to
be at this, and so we both kindof tried to say, hey, we have
these things that I really wantthe kids to be at on her side
and on our side.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
But the reason why I brought that up is because we
had to keep the focus and youhad to help me remember too and
that is that it's not aboutourselves.
There's other pieces of familyinvolved.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Well, it's not only her and her time with them but,
their time with her extendedfamily and those things, and we
wanted our kids to be a part oftheir lives in that too.
So this is not a—if you're in ablended family and you're in a
take take, take, take takesituation, it's not going to
work.
Yeah, it's going to be hard.
Now there are some God help us.
(09:30):
There's some deadbeat dads outthere, there's some deadbeat
moms out there who don't reallywant to have time with their
kids, and for that I just saylove on your kids, support them,
don't bad mouth.
(09:51):
We never, ever, ever, under anycircumstance bad mouth.
We never, ever, ever, under anycircumstance, bad mouth.
Anybody, um, my ex, her husband, we were.
That was never on the table forus.
I was like I'm never going tosay anything harsh or ill-willed
about them because mama, yeah,I was like, and I'm not, I'm not
going to do that, I want tosupport them and what they're
doing and what they're at.
So that's not on scheduling,but anyway, that's a part, it's
a part of that whole idea,because what happens is we get
(10:12):
so passionately involved withthe idea of my kids have to be
here.
They want to be here.
If they don't, their life willnever be the same.
If they're not a part of thisgoing to the zoo with the class
that I set up to do that, andit's like wait a minute, okay.
Is it really like?
And we can, and some things youcan do together.
Speaker 2 (10:31):
It's okay to do things together, but then
sometimes there's there's thingsto just be like okay that's
yours, Because ultimately, youknow, no matter how hard you
work at it and no matter howselfless you try to be or
understanding, kids are going tomiss stuff that you don't want
them to miss.
So how do you handle that?
(10:51):
It hurts.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Yeah, the reality of that is that if you're a couple
and I see this a lot whentalking to blended couples, and
I see this a lot when talking toblended couples because when
you first separate, your life isyour kids, like your health and
your kids and sometimes youdon't do it intentionally, but
(11:18):
sometimes you put too much focuson the kids and their happiness
that you forget about yourselfand becoming the healthy version
of yourself.
Well, that doesn't change whenyou meet some guy.
There's that honeymoon stage,but then all of a sudden, it's
like it's all about the kids,it's the kids, the kids, the
kids.
And it's like we always saidthis and we always reminded
ourselves of this.
One of the artists was like Ilove you guys, but you guys are
(11:39):
going to leave us one day.
Like one day you're literallygoing to leave the house and go
do your own thing.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
It really does happen , we're living in that.
Yeah, and it happens, exceptfor one baby in the nest.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah, we're, you know , lover, but it's just one of
those things.
It's when they do leave, you'relike, oh God, that was real, I
wasn't just blowing smoke.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, no, it's real, yeah, I know it's real.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, so they're leaving.
So it's like keeping the focus.
All that to say if yourhappiness with each other as a
couple is dependent on yourkids' happiness.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
You are doomed.
I mean, just to put it harshly.
You're doomed because yourhappiness as husband and wife
should not be dependent on thehappiness of your children, and
I don't care if that's a corefamily or a blended family.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Yeah, it's true.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
I mean, that's the focus.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
I mean, I think all families deal with that.
It's easier for moms.
Moms do this harder and you canspeak to this, so I don't want
to counsel myself in saying this.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Hashtag cancel Greg.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
I think moms connect with their kids in a way for
they just love them and it'sjust like they can be jerks,
they can be brats.
It's like, oh, I still lovethem, they're my kids.
It's my baby, but then if Ileave my socks on the floor,
you're like you're such a nastyrat person, how could you ever
live in a home.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
That's not a personal thing.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
No, no, no.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
You walked in today from work trying to find your
flip-flops in the closet.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
No, I did not walk in from work.
I got out of the shower and Iwas like where are my flip-flops
?
Well, I had a stockpile in theliving room.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
You had a collection in the living room.
It it's been there for a fewdays and I have not said one
word.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Apparently my full-fledged living with me.
So when you're making thatanalogy.
That is not a personal analogy,I say that Okay, I do.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
But I'm saying we tend to sometimes see the best
in our kids and not the best inour spouse and the worst in the
spouse.
Yes, I would agree with that.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
So the idea is that sometimes, when we come to
scheduling an event, we think ifour kids aren't here, it is a
utter failure.
It is just like, oh my gosh,this is not going to work, it's
a failure.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
What if, when we're scheduling an activity now with
Mother's Day coming up?
I never fought for a Mother'sDay.
Actually, on Mother's Daysituation with your children,
right?
Because duh Well, we alwaysencourage them to situation with
your children.
Right Because duh.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
We always encourage them to spend with their mom
Because, duh, they're going tobe with their mama, right.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
But if it was another thing, if there was a situation
where I felt like it was reallyimportant that Callie and Cody
be there with me and you didn'tagree, what if you didn't see it
as important as I did?
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Okay, what's your question?
Did we become enemies, did you?
That's right, did you?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
ask the question how would you handle that?
I don't feel like you and Ipersonally ever really
experienced that.
Just because we were reallymindful of the whole thing.
But for other folks, what ifthere was just this one thing?
I was adamant that all the kidshad to be at and you just
really didn't feel like it was athing that was not.
(14:52):
How would you have handled that?
Speaker 1 (14:55):
I would have asked the questions for you, like what
is the significance of thisthing that you really really
want them to be at?
Yeah, and why is it you reallywant them to be at this thing?
What are you really really wantthem to be at?
Yeah, and why is it you reallywant them to be at this thing?
Right, what are you lookinglike?
What do you want to accomplishwith that?
What are you trying to achievewith that?
I'm going to, as your husband,one thing we always do is we
(15:17):
always supported each other infront of the kids.
Yes, whether I agree with youor not, I was going to support
you.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
And we still do that with the grown-ups.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
Now, sometimes I would support you, and then we'd
pull aside and be like pleasehelp me understand what you
meant by that.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
You're full of crap.
I don't know what you'retalking about.
I don't get that, but we wouldnever do that in front of the
kids.
No, never, no.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
So it was always like , okay, I'm going to figure,
make sure, because I want tohonor you as my wife, because
Thomas and Grace, you're theirmom, Callie and Cody you're
their extra mom.
I'm the extra, the bonus mom,yeah, the bonus mom.
So it's not like they have amom, so it's not like we're
(15:56):
asking you to take the place ofthat.
That's not, it at all,absolutely not, and I never
intended to.
And so we always try to dosomething all together outside
of Mother's Day, like a coupledays before.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Even the weekend before, weekend after we did
this one of my favorite things astrawberry picking day that we
did.
Do you remember that?
Speaker 1 (16:12):
Yeah, it's at Jaymoor .
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, jaymoor.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Farms.
Yeah, it's become Shout out.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
In our local area.
It's an orchard and farm forproduce.
Speaker 1 (16:23):
But it was one of those things that was a—you have
to be—like for you.
You were always flexible in thesense of like it didn't have to
happen on Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
No, I learned—I had learned to find joy in what I
could do with all of them.
What I could do with all ofthem and just experiencing
family as growing up or as anadult, and having my own mom and
a mother-in-law, and then nowyour mother is my mother-in-law
(16:56):
and it's like you have to findjoy where it happens.
And it may not be actuallyliterally on Mother's Day, but
that was just what my heart hadto learn.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
But Mother's Day also is just a time to celebrate
moms.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
So it doesn't have to be on—it doesn't count if it
doesn't happen on that day.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
No.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
So sometimes we get so caught up and in blended
families like sometimes wecelebrate Christmas, it's not on
Christmas, you celebrateholidays not on that holiday,
but you celebrate them when youhave them.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Because kids will miss things that you really
wouldn't want them to miss.
If you boil it down honestly.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh, they're going to 100%.
They're not going to be ateverything that you want them to
be at.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
No, and as they grow up, they may not see things as
important as you do.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Well, I can guarantee you, they will not.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
I was being sweet about it.
I can guarantee you so all wecan do is invite them and let
them know that it's important toyou.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Yep, and I got in a conversation with a friend of
mine because we were talkingabout this very same issue and
he goes man, I keep inviting thekids, inviting the kids,
inviting the kids, and they justkeep turning me down.
He's like I just don't want toinvite them anymore because it
just feels like I'm just bangingmy head against the wall.
And I was like, well, it feelsthat way, but you need to always
(18:20):
know like for me, and I waslike I can't answer for you and
your situation, but for me andmine, I'm going to constantly
push for my kids.
I'm going to invite my kids toevery single thing I do because
I want them to be a part ofmy—if they show up for every
single thing, I'm going to bestoked.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Fantastic.
Yeah, I'm going to be like soexcited I'm going to love them
anyway.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yeah, but if they don't, I'm not going to love
them any less, but at the sametime, because they're living
their own lives, but when Istart saying, well, I'm just not
going to invite them becausethey don't ever come, I don't
want my kids to ever feel notwelcome.
You can show up at my houseanytime you want, as my kids.
That's our policy.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Right, we have four kids together and some of them
live one in our home, one in ourcity and then the other two
live either 45 minutes or fivehours away.
But we invite all four of themto be a part of the same things
and sometimes the five-hour-awaykid might show up.
(19:20):
This is hypothetically speaking.
Sometimes the kid that lives inthe same city as us might show
up and sometimes the kid thatlives in our home may not show
up and the 45-minute-away kidmay not show up A combination of
whatever.
But all four of them alwaysknow that they are invited and
they're wanted.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
Yes, you're always welcome.
Yes and so— You're alwayswelcome, yes.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
We have the, I guess the benefit, I guess maybe the
word of we have adult childrenwhere we can invite and they can
make that choice, but alsothat's like yikes.
This is where we're at.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
You had to be okay.
For when they say no, no, I'mgood.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Yeah, it's just like— Thank you for inviting me.
I was like, ah, but at the same, no, I'm good.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Yeah, thank you for inviting me, but at the same
time, I want to be excited forthem and having their own thing.
So, whether you're at, you maybe in this and you'll be like
bro, my kids are hanging on myleg right now, like I'm
listening to this and I got kidscalling on my head.
I'm telling you, I am tellingyou 100%, they're going to grow
(20:25):
up and they're going to move out.
They're going to go to college,they're going to go do their
own thing.
So make sure, when you'rethinking through this, don't
think of this one event beingthe end-all be-all.
Think of the big picture, takeback and remember.
Am I looking at my fingersspinning underneath or am I
looking at it from above?
Are we looking at the samething?
(20:46):
Look at the big picture of itand constantly remember that
Perspective is everything.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
So I know that we just and we talk a lot about our
point of view with our adultchildren, but when they were
little and we were schedulingwith people outside of our
control and the kids wereoutside of our control for of
our control when they weren't-with us.
But the main thing that wealways kept in mind and we had
(21:13):
to remind each other, sometimeswhen the kids weren't looking,
but the kids are always watchingand listening to how you behave
when the scheduling or theconflicts or the disagreements
happen.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah.
So, say you're in negotiationsof who's going to do when, and
sometimes you get frustrated, orsometimes you get— we didn't
always succeed in this, but itwasn't— but it was something we
tried really hard to do, but wedidn't always succeed.
No, it wasn't terrible.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
No.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
Like my ex was very good about working through
things.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Yeah, she was, and so we always had the opportunity
to— I love that when we wouldmake a change, that she would go
in and she would fix thecalendar and she would email us
a new one so we couldimmediately print it and put it
back on the fridge so we couldfigure it out.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yes, it was amazing that she would actually print
the schedule out Like we wouldwork through the calendar and
have it Colored, and so it wouldbe up for all of us to see,
because that's a huge thing, forit's that whole communication.
It's not just about you sayingsomething, it's about what the
other person is hearing.
Yeah, communication is not, soshe wanted to make sure that all
that was clear.
(22:25):
Yeah, um, who's going wherewhen?
What timers are we dropping off?
Because sometimes, with the wayour family, she has a big
family, I have a big family.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Uh, we have a big family and then we had to mix in
my little family in that too,it was just like yeah so there's
lots of like times were likehey, these times we can stick,
these times, which was good.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
So, in all of that, what we're talking about, though
, is like, if I'm frustrated orI'm mad, or I'm upset, those
kids are watching what I say,they're watching how I react.
They're watching everythingthat has to do with them, so be
very, very, very mindful of howyou respond, how you react, and
(23:08):
then again.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
If I'm— you have to be the good example.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Right.
If I'm frustrated, I'm mad.
I'm not saying that in front ofthe kids.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
You get to feel that way.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Obviously you have every right to feel those ways,
Because I will guarantee you shefelt the same way about us
Totally And—.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
And that's not being ugly.
That's just saying that's justpart of it.
It's just a whole big picture.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
That's trying to figure out the whole scheduling
thing, and so it's tough,because you got Mother's Day,
you got Father's Day, then yougot vacations, and then, when
the kids are going on vacation,she goes on vacation or he goes
on vacation, then we go onvacation, and so it's like
trying to figure all thosevacations out.
And, oh yeah, the kids areplaying sports during the summer
, so we got a summer camp.
(23:50):
It's not only all of those, butthen we'd have summer camps on
top of that.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
The kids would go off to church camps.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
And so it's just like it's a nightmare.
So I want to say it right nowJust take, if you're there and
you're in this, take a deepbreath, just go.
Okay, let's keep our eyes onthe big picture.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
It's not about you.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Yeah, and just be like what's best for the kids,
because those poor little kids,what's best for us as a family?
Speaker 2 (24:18):
How old they are, however old they are, because
when you and I got together,callie and Cody were relatively
young.
Yep, and those poor little kids, they're the ones that are
going back and forth and feelingpulled, this and that, and your
children, friends that arelistening.
If you're sharing your childrenwith their mother or father,
(24:38):
they are the ones you're goingto and fro.
And it goes back to kind oflike what I was saying earlier
that kids are going to miss somethings that you really wish
that they wouldn't, Right and it.
whether it be for schedulingconflict or it's by choice, at
some point it's going to happen.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
And it's not the kid's fault.
Speaker 1 (24:59):
No, it's really not.
No, it's really not.
There has to be a point whereyou're like you just got to be
okay with it.
You have to Like the very firsttime because I don't even know
what's the date.
When does Father's Day fall?
It's in June, like mid-June.
Okay, so Father's Day falls inthe absolute worst time.
Everybody who planned Father'sDay give me a buzz.
(25:22):
I want to talk to you.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
It probably was a day , because it's a crappy timing.
They were just trying to makeup for Mother's Day.
It was like, oh, yeah, yeah,yeah, oh, if you get a day, then
I get a day too.
I'll get a day.
Speaker 1 (25:32):
So because, like Mother's Day, there's absolutely
nothing going on other thanlet's set the world on fire for
moms and we're about to get outof school, but we're still in a
relatively normal schedule.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Yeah, we just get to celebrate woo for that weekend.
Father's Day is like man, we'reout of school.
Oh wait, no, we're not home.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Yeah, we're not even in town, we're not even in the
state of Georgia, so bye.
I think the first time my kidsweren't around for Father's Day
it was one of those kind oflike—.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
It was difficult.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
C Like this isn't fun .
But I didn't say that to thekids.
No, what we did is we're likeokay.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
We had already planned to go out of town the
next weekend with the kids.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Well, yeah, they were gone on vacation with their mom
during Father's Day and ofcourse I could get, because this
was a part of me, this is myperspective.
Yeah, it's just where I was.
I was like how dare you plan avacation on Father's Day?
You intentionally take themfrom me on Father's Day.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Meanwhile on the other end of it, your ex and all
of her siblings and there's abunch of them had rented this
home for all of them to stay inand their mother and father were
still with us and it was a hugedeal that they could all go
together.
So on the reverse side, it wasthis huge, wonderful time where
(26:57):
they got to go to be togetherwith their father, granddad,
still with them.
So it was like okay, we got tolook at the big picture, not to
say that you and I silentlydidn't be like okay, I want to
pitch a little bit of a fit.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Well, right, yeah, because that's normal.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
And for you to say you know you'd be like, well,
you should just demand.
I can demand those things, butwho does that help?
Speaker 2 (27:22):
And what does that do ?
But would that be fair on theother side?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Right, because I don't want to take them from
that trip and that opportunitytoo.
So it's like look, we cancelebrate Father's Day some day
outside of Father's Day?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
The following weekend when we went to the beach
together.
So it was just like, like yousaid, like when we're talking
about Mother's Day, it doesn'thave to be on that day, it
doesn't have to be on that day,right?
Speaker 1 (27:45):
So this is that thing I'm telling you, and you know
this.
If you're a blended family,because between you and I, jess,
this had an opportunity tobecome a really big rift between
us, you would be like, well,why don't you demand this or why
don't you do this?
And we went back and forth alot of times, but it was just
(28:05):
like this is not what's.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
Silly.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
Yeah, we can't do that, no, so.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
No, it's silly and like I mean this might be the
third or fourth time I've saidthat in this very episode.
It's not about you, Becauseit's not Right.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
It's just not.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Right, it's just not Right.
You have a good knowledge.
Are you allowed to havefeelings and wants for what's
going on in your family?
Yes, of course you are.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah, a thousand percent.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
When you and I chose to put our collective families
together, with all the baggageand the stories and the wounds
that came with it.
We can't make that be aboutwhat we want.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Right, yeah, that baggage is not our baggage.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
No, we just kind of got to carry it and be done it
would not be kind of us norright in any way to ask our kids
to carry that baggage with us.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
So yes, 100% yeah.
So you have spring, you havefall, you're two big scheduling
times.
Jess has made it abundantlyclear it's not about you.
But in the same sense, I wantto stress to you please don't
(29:20):
make your happiness as a coupleall about the happiness of your
kids.
Love your kids, instruct yourkids.
Love your kids, instruct yourkids.
Tell them the truth.
Don't bring your crap and yourbaggage into your kids' lives
and unpack it on them.
It's not theirs, it's yours,it's not.
So when you're scheduling,sometimes you get frustrated and
(29:42):
you tend to want to do that.
Don't no, it's just not, it'snot, it's not right.
And so it's like allow yourselfto step back and say, okay,
what's my perspective?
Look at your perspective andit's not that the other person.
Now, I'm not saying there'ssome people out there who may
intentionally just try to dothings to hurt you.
(30:03):
That's not the majority ofplaces.
Even if they're trying to dothat to hurt you, that's not the
majority of places.
Even if they're trying to dothat to hurt you, don't give
them the satisfaction ofallowing them to do that.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Of allowing it to hurt you.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah just you deal with it, you figure it out, you
control what you can control.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You can.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And that's up to you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
What you can't, you can't make those decisions, you
can't stretch the boundaries, no, and if you're in what feels
like a battle, with a personthat you might share your
children with outside of yourcurrent situation, if your kids
are old enough, keep invitingthem.
Let them know what's happening.
Give them the schedule.
If you have to print it out, ifyou have to send an invite to
(30:41):
their phone, invite them andthey can help make choices for
what they want to do.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Will they choose to not to?
Yeah they might.
And will that hurt and breakyour heart?
Yeah it will.
But at least you can know thatthey know that you want them
there Right.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Yep 1,000%.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
I feel like that's the bottom line is that the kids
no matter whose actual childrenthey are, you know, they need
to know that you want them thereand then at some point it is
their choice.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Yeah that's true.
So how do we unpack this?
So what does the unpack looklike, the section where we look
at and go okay, so we've talkedabout a lot of application.
We've talked about the hardthings, the fun things, the bad
things.
So how do we, if we'reunpacking this, what is one
thing we can do to try to fixthis or make this better?
Speaker 2 (31:41):
Well, one thing that we've touched on a couple times
is better.
Well, one thing that we'vetouched on a couple times is,
although it may not becomfortable or always positive,
the communication with the otherparent is number one.
You just have to.
I mean, whether or not it'sreceived in a positive light or
(32:02):
they choose to incorporate yourwishes into their plans, you
have to be able to tell yourselfnow I know that I communicated.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Right, and I'll say how you communicate.
That is huge.
Yes, like when we would alwaysdo a calendar even in spring or
in fall, the very first emailslash text message was like this
is a working calendar.
This is our starting point.
This is not our end point.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
So we're starting with this, and there was always
always.
Speaker 2 (32:34):
Always.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
We always made changes.
We did so when starting don'tstart like and go this is what I
want.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
If I don't get this, I'm going to pitch a fee and
nine times out of ten, yourex-wife, she, would start the
calendar and she would email itto both of us with quote,
unquote editing access so thatwe could add to or do whatever.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
Well, we always, too, communicated with her.
Here's when our vacation is, assoon as we try to nail down our
vacation.
Here's our vacations.
Here's what we're trying to do.
Here's something fun we'retrying to do that we want the
kids to be a part of Like withThomas.
Speaker 2 (33:09):
He would be out of town, we would go out of town,
and usually in the summer once amonth for about three days for
his mountain bike races orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
But also, too, we would schedule out because we
had kids for seven days, she hadfor seven days, so we would
schedule out all summer.
Hey, when summer's out 7-7-7,when they would switch vacations
when we were switching.
So we tried to plan.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
And we would work with one another.
To like if a vacation with youand I would back up to the
following week that was for youand I, we would split.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
Yeah, we figured it out, but because?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
we communicated.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
It's a give and take.
It's not always going to befavorable to you, but you know
what it wasn't always easy, butwe really did.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
truly, it's all about communication with the other
parent and, like I said a minuteago, it's about communication
with the kids as you go throughit.
And, like we said a few minutesago, too earlier, when you're
communicating with the kids,it's about modeling that
behavior of not being ugly, notsaying ugly things about their
(34:16):
other parent.
It's about modeling like, okay,here's what we're doing and
here's the dates, so this iswhat we're communicating with
your mother slash father andthis is what we're doing Because
they're going to pay attentionto how you do that.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
So this is for and this is a side note, I don't
this just literally just came tome because we dealt with this
for a while and this was hardfor me.
This just literally just cameto me because we dealt with this
for a while and this was hardfor me.
This was really hard for me inthe beginning because I had the
kids for seven.
So, like best case scenario, Ihad the kids for 15 days a month
.
That's it period.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Period.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
A lot of those were school days.
We're just doing school, we'rejust doing things but say it's a
Friday, we're switching on aFriday, it's a Friday, we're
switching on a Friday, my kidsare having a—a friend's having a
sleepover and they want to gosleepover on a Friday.
We had something planned as afamily that we wanted to do fun
(35:11):
on a Friday.
So do I tell my kids no, youcan't go do that, sleep in, I
want you to go do this.
That was one of those thingswhere it was like I got to let
go and do what's best for thekid and be like go have fun, be
your friends, go enjoy that.
What we try to do in that isthe exchange and we'll talk
about this in a later episode,about the whole exchange, our
(35:34):
exchange.
We moved it to a Sunday nightbecause nothing it was Fridays
in the beginning.
Yes, and then we just realizedthat's crazy.
It's in the middle ofeverything, so let's do Sunday
nights, because nothing happenson Sunday nights.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
We're just going to go home and eat supper and get
baths and get ready for school.
Yeah, nobody's going out.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
Nobody's going to do things.
It's a good night to switch, sowe move that to Sunday nights.
But just be mindful if it'syour weekend to have the kids
and your kids and they want togo do something with their
friends, allow them to go dothat, because if you don't and
you're like, no, no, no, this isyour time with me, you're going
to spend this time with me.
Speaker 2 (36:08):
You create a guilt complex.
Yes, and that's not healthy foranybody.
No, it's not.
And so again, that's probably astory for another day, but at
the same time but I also, as apart of the communication, with
the calendar, with the ex, thefamilies that are outside your
family, and the children.
Don't make the kids feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:29):
No.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Don't make them feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
Do not use your kids as a bargain.
No, like, that's not the roleof that.
Do not do that.
If you're doing that, bro, stop.
You got some issues you need towork out within yourself.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:42):
Go see a counselor.
Work through your crap.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Don't use kids as a bargaining tool or a guilt trip,
even when they're little, andyou're trying to guilt them into
wanting to be with you.
And as they grow up, you mightbe trying to guilt them to want
to do what you want to do.
Yeah, but we don't want to makethem feel guilty.
Speaker 1 (36:58):
Yeah, don't put that crap on your kids, because the
bottom line is it's not aboutyou.
Yes, dang it, I'm getting good.
Okay, well, let's.
You got anything else to end inthe wrap up?
I don't think so.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
I didn't pick out a question for today.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
Okay, that's cool.
So I just want to say again I'mso excited you guys are
listening and, man, we getpositive feedback from you guys
and it's so fun.
Please, if you haven't alreadyhit the like, hit the subscribe
button, Tell your friends.
Tell your friends Share it withsomeone.
Just hit that share button,Send it over to some friends and
(37:34):
just—.
Speaker 2 (37:35):
We had a lot of excitement and a lot of shares
when we first started.
We want to pick that back up.
Yeah, because we truly areinvesting a lot of time in this,
not because, like hey, I wantto make you feel guilty, like we
just talked about Not trying tomake you feel guilty.
It's just like we really areinvesting in this because we
truly feel like this is a thingthat we're supposed to be doing.
Speaker 1 (37:52):
Right.
Well, when we put this together, we were looking, looking,
looking, looking for somethingto help us, just some
encouragement, some advice andsome things, just to keep going.
And so that's why, that'sliterally why we're doing this.
So I want to tell you, and I'mnot going to get emotional, so
(38:13):
I'm going to try not to it'sokay, if you do, though it's
meaningful for us.
I was texting with someone todaywho just has gone through a
divorce Kids and it brought meback to I remember how lonely it
(38:34):
felt, how defeated I felt, howhorrible I felt about myself and
that's no slam on anyone, thatwas me.
But that conversation I washaving took me back to there and
I just want to say, if you'relistening to this and you just
came through a divorce, I'mgoing to tell you this Reach?
(38:57):
Out.
Yeah, and get up and put onefoot in front of the other.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
And reach out to us yeah keep moving, keep moving
forward.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
Like I know, sometimes you just want to sit
and you don't want to doanything.
You don't want to get out ofbed, you don't want to do
anything productive.
Just go, do somethingproductive.
If it's just walk, just I'mtelling you there's light at the
end of the tunnel.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
Keep moving forward.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
Yeah, don't give up and just keep moving, because
we're married 13 years, almost,yeah, this October.
If you would have asked me this14 years ago Absolutely not I
would have been like absolutely,I could not have seen this.
You can't see what's around thecorner.
But I'm telling you there'ssomething really, really good
(39:44):
there.
I'm going to share the storyand I promise this will be it.
Okay, I remember it was alwayslike it felt like every time you
got a good, like you made astep forward.
(40:05):
There was two steps back and Iheard this story and it so
reminded me.
I got emotional when I heardthis story, but it's an old
fable, an old story, and justbear with me.
There's a mule who falls in thiswell on a farm.
A mule falls in the well andhe's just like it's an old, dry
well and so he's in the bottomof this well and he's like, oh
(40:25):
my gosh, I can't get out of this.
Well, what am I going to do?
This is it?
This is like I'm done.
I'm in the bottom of this welland the mule is oh my gosh,
there's a farmer.
I'm saved.
Well, the farmer takes theshovel and just takes the dirt
and starts throwing it in on topof the mule.
The mule's like what is hedoing?
(40:47):
He's just burying me.
And so, as he's throwing thedirt and the gravel on top of
him, the mule starts to shakethe dust and the gravel off and
he takes a step up.
And he realizes, as the farmerkeeps throwing more and more on
top of him, as he shakes and ashe takes a step up, I'm getting
closer to the top.
(41:08):
And so the reality is is thatthe things that are in your life
that feel like you're justgetting beat down, thing after
thing after thing, is justfalling on top of your head.
If you just shake it off andkeep stepping up, you're going
to get out of it.
It will happen.
Just don't get caught up in the.
I'm a victim.
(41:30):
I can't get out of this.
Nothing's going to change.
There is light.
Just keep moving.
So, even if you're in yourblended family and you're just
feeling stressed and you're justlike dude, I can't do this
anymore.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
It's not fun anymore.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
Yeah, yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
And if you feel like you can't,reach out to us and I would
love to just chat with you andjust see what we can do to help
you.
So not to end on a happy note Idon't know, maybe this is a
good note, but I'm just sayingwhatever it is that's hitting
you this week, shake it off andstep up.
Shake it off and step up,because there's more coming to
(42:11):
that.
And they were just all the oldmules stuck in the bottom of a
well just trying to get out.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
Oh, that is so funny.
Speaker 1 (42:20):
But anyway, thanks for listening to Baggage Clean,
yeah, woo-hoo.
Speaker 2 (42:25):
So again, hey, if you're a teacher like me, I can
tell you we're less than 30 days24 days left until kids are
gone.
If you're in my school system,yes, yes, so in Georgia or my.
Abc countdown in first grade.
Tomorrow is day for dance partyWoo.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
I have no comment to any of that.
I'm a fan, hey listen.
Thank you guys for listening,thank you for all the downloads,
thank you for the shares.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
We really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (42:56):
Yeah, so peace out.
Have a good one.
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