December 3, 2025 • 39 mins
What if the real math of marriage isn’t 50-50 at all? We dive into why counting chores and comparing effort creates distance, and how shifting to commitment and service brings couples back to the same side. Instead of aiming for perfect balance every day, we talk honestly about bandwidth: some days you’ve got 10 percent, others you’ve got 90. The key is staying all in, naming the season you’re in, and choosing habits that protect the “us.”
We share stories from our home—missteps, messy moments, and small wins—that show how language shapes love. Banning the D-word changes how you see conflict. “Burn the ships” removes the escape hatch and orients you toward repair, not retreat. And a single weekly question—“How can I better serve you this week?”—can transform the vibe from keeping score to building trust. We break down practical ways to serve in what actually matters to your partner: time, tasks, talk, touch, and trust. No grand gestures required, just consistent, targeted care.
We also tackle money and shared responsibility. Separate accounts and hidden backup plans often mask thin trust; a better path is shared visibility, clear roles, and a short weekly rhythm for calendars, finances, and household load. You’ll get simple exercises to replace blame with teamwork, including a five-action challenge that focuses on what fills your partner’s cup, not yours. By the end, you’ll have a playbook for moving from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the issue,” and a language that keeps commitment at the center.
If this conversation helped, tap follow, share it with a friend who needs a nudge toward unity, and leave a quick review to help others find the show. Your stories and questions shape future episodes—send them our way.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:00):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
SPEAKER_03 (00:17):
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
This is a place where we'd liketo have some conversation and
hopefully create some communityaround the idea or the thoughts
of relationships, marriage, andblended family, all those fun
things.
If you're new here, thanks forjoining us.
If you're a regular, you know,this is the part where you get
(00:38):
to grab your favorite drink, uh,whatever that may be, if it's
coffee, if it's been a hard day,whatever that is, pull up to the
table with us, take a deepbreath, and just enjoy some good
conversation.
Hopefully you this is after youdeep breath.
Yeah, just as little stresstonight.
So we um just finishedThanksgiving, and there's
(01:01):
there's so much we could unpackfrom Thanksgiving's.
And uh always.
Yeah, we're not gonna unpackthat right now, not in this
episode.
Um, but we just want to say alsoto uh one of our listeners, so
he's been listening to us sincewe started, uh, sent us one of
the actual clip things that youstart.
(01:21):
We should probably figure outwhat the actual name of that
thing is.
Yeah, I don't even know whatthat thing is.
The movie clip.
Like the movie clip thing, so wecan snap to actually start video
and audio and all that together.
No, now we've been clapping andwe've moved up.
And we just want to say thanks,Tony.
I feel like we've really made itbig now, Tony.
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Thank you, Tony.
SPEAKER_03 (01:38):
We're going public.
Now Jess doesn't laugh everytime the platform is.
Jess quit laughing, so I don'tknow what that means.
She doesn't think that's funnyanymore.
But um anyway, thank you, Tony.
We really appreciate that.
It has been.
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
When you clap your hands or whoever it is,
whoever's turn it is, it'salways funny.
But that the clapboard is verylike official.
Very serious.
SPEAKER_04 (01:59):
It's known as a slate.
SPEAKER_01 (02:00):
Oh, a slate.
SPEAKER_03 (02:01):
A slate.
A slate clapboard.
Thank you, Miranda.
unknown (02:04):
Yeah, of course.
SPEAKER_03 (02:05):
Yeah.
Maybe one day I'll get up hereat your microphone.
Maybe one day we'll give you amicrophone.
You slow down there, cow girl,all right?
Slow down.
SPEAKER_02 (02:14):
Like 20 episodes before I got one.
SPEAKER_01 (02:16):
Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_03 (02:18):
Mike was looking, I wrote sound.
I could have plugged it up fromday one if I wanted.
Well, let's uh let's jump intoour um our fun stuff before we
uh get too far in.
SPEAKER_04 (02:29):
So this is just uh babe.
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
Thank you, great question.
SPEAKER_03 (02:36):
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Sorry, man, I'm struggling.
SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
Dramatic.
Okay.
I'm a passionate guy.
Would you rather have a fierydragon or a magical unicorn as a
pet?
SPEAKER_02 (02:49):
Ooh, I was a huge Game of Thrones fan.
So I know I'm I'm digging thatdragon.
Yeah, I kind of go with dragonso I can ride that bad boy.
Yeah, do I get to get to thedragon as a baby?
Like I raise it.
So you have to raise it.
SPEAKER_01 (03:00):
I feel like you can you can watch Game of Thrones?
SPEAKER_03 (03:03):
Yeah, because it'll eat me otherwise.
Yeah, it will eat that.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
I think you have to raise it from a baby.
SPEAKER_03 (03:07):
Yeah.
And a unicorn?
If it's a magical unicorn, ahorse with a horn on its head.
It's like a cow and a few.
SPEAKER_01 (03:15):
First of all, yes, it's magical.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
I can do a magic can I finish my that might change my
answer if it does.
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
That's where I was going.
My magical unicorn can havepowers.
And what if the powers that Itell it to have is being a fire
breathing?
SPEAKER_02 (03:32):
But I don't think you can.
And it's a dragon.
It's not even.
SPEAKER_01 (03:35):
No, it's still a magical unicorn.
It's a fire-breathing unicorn.
SPEAKER_03 (03:40):
Well, that just sounds weird and uncool.
I'm still going with firebreathing dragon.
Yeah, I got a fire-breathingdragon.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
I'm going with a magical unicorn.
SPEAKER_02 (03:46):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
She's magical.
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
All right.
Well, we're tied.
I'm magical.
Thomas, what's your answer?
Doing a fire-breathing dragon.
Dragon wings.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (03:53):
Dudes do dragons.
Girls ride the little ponieswith the horns.
SPEAKER_01 (03:57):
When did this become a competition?
SPEAKER_03 (04:00):
Always a competition, Jessica.
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
It's a good company.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (04:04):
Do we have one more?
Or we better jump in.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
Um I was going to do a serious one, but I'm not going
to do that because it'll taketoo long.
That'll be out.
No.
Okay, here's another one.
SPEAKER_03 (04:13):
Would you do a serious?
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
Do a serious, but we'll keep our answers short.
How's that?
Short answers so we can dive in.
SPEAKER_01 (04:18):
Would you rather know the date of your death or
the cause of your death?
SPEAKER_02 (04:23):
Ooh, that's rough.
I don't want to know the date ofmy death.
No cause.
And I also don't want to knowthe cause of my death.
SPEAKER_03 (04:28):
I want to know.
SPEAKER_01 (04:29):
This is the one I was going to skip, and you're
like, no, do it.
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
Okay, so really second part of that question.
If you could pick a way to die,how would you die?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Oh my God.
In my sleep.
And you're oh so Thomas has ananswer?
SPEAKER_03 (04:40):
I know.
Mine would be like skydiving orjumping off a cliff.
I want to, I mean, you're endingwith like how would you what
would you say?
You're like adrenaline's going.
SPEAKER_02 (04:50):
Drowning.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
Drowning?
SPEAKER_02 (04:51):
Drowning is like the most peaceful way, isn't it?
No.
Because the moment you inhalewater, everything just goes out.
SPEAKER_03 (04:57):
Like you don't know, there's a choking moment there.
There's a couple seconds there,like there's a time period where
you don't go and you're gone.
SPEAKER_01 (05:05):
That's not how I want to just in my sleep.
I don't I'm not gonna know.
SPEAKER_03 (05:10):
But you're gonna feel like you're gonna feel the
oxygen leaving your body.
If I'm running 150 miles an hourand I hit the ground, it's
pretty quick.
Yeah, but you're also like myluck, I would hit something and
live.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I'd bounce bounce off the swamp.
If you die immediately, no.
SPEAKER_03 (05:30):
What I would still choose the cause of my death.
Okay, yeah, I would give acause.
That was very morbid.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
I wasn't gonna do that.
SPEAKER_03 (05:38):
And yours wasn't, Greg.
Oh, sorry, yeah, it was.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
The date you want to know the date.
Yeah.
I think I would probably leantowards want to know the date.
SPEAKER_02 (05:47):
Well, I guess if I knew the date, then I could
literally do whatever I want.
You could.
I would have a much more freelife if I knew the date than if
I knew the cause.
Unless it was like three daysfrom when you found out.
And then you could be damn whileyou're gonna do it.
Or maybe if I found out that itwas three days from now, so I
would go live it up, and that'swhat caused me to be in the
hospital for three days.
SPEAKER_01 (06:09):
You could not gonna die.
Yeah, you could do that whole uhwe'd be invincible for that
amount of time.
You'd be like Deadpool.
You'd just do all these thingsand your body would just put
itself back together.
SPEAKER_03 (06:23):
It's so fun that none of this has anything to do
with relationships or uhmarriage, but it does have to do
with the right.
SPEAKER_01 (06:31):
There's so many good questions on here that we'll
save them for later.
SPEAKER_03 (06:34):
So I have I have a good question, and and it's kind
of the basis of our conversationhere today, and hopefully to add
some input.
And this is going to be veryinteractive.
So there's gonna be a lot ofback and forth, Michael, anybody
else involved?
SPEAKER_01 (06:49):
Thomas and Miranda, you could jump on the phone.
SPEAKER_03 (06:51):
Even if you you guys that are there, we'd love to say
we'd want you to get involved,but so far you guys are just
blowing up our social media.
SPEAKER_02 (07:00):
Social media feeds.
It's so much we can't respondto.
SPEAKER_03 (07:02):
Yeah, can't respond.
I can't respond to any of thembecause I don't have any of
them.
Anyway, I'm just kidding.
I'm not bitter.
Uh I do want to talk to youguys.
It's passion.
Drama.
So we did address we did addanother country, so um, that's
pretty awesome.
And we are working toward um ourlive event for our 50th episode.
(07:23):
So I hope we can have some folksthere and it's not just us
sitting sitting there.
Talking to each other?
SPEAKER_04 (07:28):
Yeah, I know.
Just in a different location.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
If it is just us there, we're gonna have one heck
of a time.
It is as we always do.
And I will pay somebody to showup and ask a question.
If we all chip in like fivebucks, we can get at least one
person.
SPEAKER_03 (07:41):
Yeah.
No, bro, who's$20 if you walk inhere and ask us a question?
SPEAKER_01 (07:45):
I'll write it down on a note card for you.
You don't even have to think ofit.
SPEAKER_03 (07:49):
So here's my I've I've probably done, I don't
know, 15 weddings in my time umover the years.
Some have been incrediblyinteresting, some have been very
formal, some uh very informal.
I've done our kids' weddings,the ones that are married so
far, uh, which has been fun.
They were both by done weddings,you mean you officiated.
(08:11):
I officiated the weddings, yes.
Yeah, that's a great way to sayit.
Thank you.
That's a big deal.
Um they were two completelydifferent experiences.
One was completely off the cuff,and the other one I called off
the cuff in the rain.
Yeah, I had no notes, nonothing.
It was pouring down rain.
Um then the other one I calledmy son-in-law uh our son's name,
Cody.
SPEAKER_01 (08:30):
Like Kelly and Cody are gonna get married, and we're
like, No.
SPEAKER_03 (08:34):
And then I was like, oh.
So anyway, we have these.
This is enough about how stupidI am.
Let's talk about something else.
And so um, we have these thingswe always say at marriages, and
we're, you know, we're preparingfor you know the what's to come
and what's out there.
But I've heard this phrase a lotin premarital counseling, and
and I always just thought it wasdumb and it really didn't make
(08:54):
sense.
But I want us to kind of diginto it tonight and talk about
it and what does it mean in reallife scenario that we hear this
phrase marriage is 50-50.
So agree, disagree.
Uh if you agree, tell me why.
If you disagree, tell me why.
Uh go.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Well, I mean, you just really built that up.
I was like, it's dumb whenpeople say that.
SPEAKER_03 (09:16):
No, I didn't say it was dumb.
I just said I I never reallyunderstood it, but I I'm open
for suggestions.
SPEAKER_01 (09:23):
So Well, I mean, before I even give my opinion,
um if you look at it like this,do you do you, as my husband,
want 50% of my effort?
SPEAKER_02 (09:36):
Ooh, good question.
SPEAKER_03 (09:38):
I've never heard of it posed like that.
Well, it depends on what we'retalking about.
If it's 50% of your effort oncutting the grass, you can do
the front yard or the backyard.
Right.
You can do the totally, I blow50% of that effort.
Yeah.
I mean, you could have blownhalf the gutters out or half the
um No, I mean, when you thinkabout it that way, it's kind of
(10:00):
it's kind of silly to be like,oh, you know, if you showed up
at work, you'd be like, allright, boss, I'm gonna give you
50% today.
Not many people are gonna beexcited that you're there
participating in that.
But I mean, it's something wesay, why do we say that then?
SPEAKER_01 (10:19):
I don't know.
I think maybe just because likeliteral logic is 50 and 50 go
together to give 100%.
But I feel like if I'm not Idon't know, I'm jumping ahead to
giving my opinion, but that'sthe this is the part where you
do this.
SPEAKER_03 (10:34):
Your podcast is the part of the card.
This is your podcast, so you cangive your opinion.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
But I I think I I should be giving you my my full
effort, my 100% is what I shouldbe giving to you.
I'm not only giving you 50 withhopes that you're gonna give 50
and we're just gonna somehowmake it.
You know?
SPEAKER_03 (10:55):
Yeah.
But I uh Michael, you have somebecause I have something on that
though, but uh because I don'teven know that that's realistic
either.
SPEAKER_02 (11:02):
I don't think I do but well, and that's what I've
heard is like you know, you hearjust being in church and also
doing like tech productionmusic.
Like you I've been to multiplemarriage conferences, things
like that.
People like no, it's not 50-50,it's 100% to zero.
Like, you know, both sidesshould be bringing a hundred
percent.
And that makes sense, but alsogoing to what Greg was saying, I
I feel like that's not alwaysrealistic.
SPEAKER_03 (11:24):
No, I'm I I would be pissed if I only got to if I'm
thinking you're not puttinganything into this, right?
Yeah, like, oh, you put 100% andI'm gonna put a hundred percent,
wink wink, like like how doesthat but but the the the thing
is, like, if and we could pullup studies and look at those
things and saying how how manytimes in our life, like how many
(11:46):
days, because have we been 100%have we nailed everything?
How many days have it been like?
I mean, let's just think aboutlet's just okay, let's take the
last two weeks of our lives andgo, okay, let me think about the
last two weeks.
How many days did I just nailit?
Like I was 100% on my game.
100% all day.
(12:07):
All day, every day.
Yeah, in my relationships, mycommunication.
Yeah, I didn't I can't rememberone of those days.
I'm I maybe I'm I mean, I'mpretty good, so I I think I'm
above average.
SPEAKER_01 (12:20):
You're so humble, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (12:21):
I will say I did have last week I had a crazy day
and I like dominated thatsucker.
And it's I feel like that was agood day, but even then So you
made it in the 90s though.
Yeah, I did I could see thatlike 80s, 90s, something like
that.
Yeah, but even then that waslike I was wore out.
Like I came home and likecrashed, like just was done.
SPEAKER_03 (12:43):
Yeah, because if you're giving 100%, that means I
have nothing left.
SPEAKER_01 (12:47):
Absolutely nothing.
SPEAKER_03 (12:48):
Like at the end, I'm done.
Like I'm spent.
That's like I used 100% of thegas in my engine, it's now done.
My car's done.
SPEAKER_04 (12:55):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (12:56):
Um, so it's it's it's it's an interesting concept
for me when we talk aboutrelationships and we talk about
the whole percentages and thethe ideas of 100% or 50-50.
SPEAKER_01 (13:09):
And um I was just thinking about like when I went
back to school and our four whowhat did you just do?
SPEAKER_03 (13:18):
Something popped in my glass.
Did you hear that?
SPEAKER_01 (13:21):
You hit yourself in the mouth, no.
SPEAKER_03 (13:23):
Something exploded in my cup.
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
I was thinking about when I went back to school and
the kids were like middle schoolages and everybody doing a
sport.
I had a full-time job, you had afull-time job.
And also I was going back justto college, and there were days
where I had gone to work all dayand then I'd had to well, most
days actually, I would come homeand have hours of homework to do
(13:49):
um in between dinner and sportsand all the things.
And during that span of ourlife, that what two years?
SPEAKER_03 (13:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:58):
Um I mean, I wasn't given 100% to everything all the
time because I had a differentfocus for that.
It felt like forever, but thatshort span of our life, I had to
give the most attention to myschool work and that you had to
like double, triple your effortsin all the other places.
(14:19):
So I mean, there's been spans oftimes where I I know I haven't
given you 100%, but and whenthose times have happened, it's
kind of like you you cranked itup to give even more.
SPEAKER_03 (14:34):
Yeah.
But I think that's the that'sthe interesting thought here
behind all of that.
It's like if we s uh for me, uhjust my gut kind of tells me if
I'm looking at things inpercentages, because I've I've
owned three, four businesses inmy life.
Some by myself and some I hadpartners.
(14:56):
And when you partner, it's umit's they always say um every
every advice I've ever, everybusiness advice I ever got said
no one should ever be 50-50.
Somebody should be 51, somebodyshould be 49.
Somebody has to be able to oneto make the decision and be
done.
So it's always like, don't gointo a partnership uh in
business 50-50.
(15:18):
Like it's never a good idea.
And so when I hear all this inrelationships, that's what my
mind automatically goes to islike, ah, God, that just feels
weird.
But then also, too, all thebusiness advice, and I would
give this the advice to anybodystarting a business with a
partner.
The very first thing you do whenyou start a business with a
(15:39):
partner is you figure out whatyour exit strategy is gonna look
like.
Uh from day one, you decide whatit's gonna look like and feel
like when we separate.
SPEAKER_04 (15:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:49):
Um, which sounds like one of those really unfun
things to do, but it's likewe're not gonna be emotional
because it's literally running abusiness with someone is like
being married.
It's it's there's so much tothat.
But so many times we look atmarriage the same way we look at
business in us, because then wekeep score.
Like you did what you did this,you contributed this, you didn't
(16:11):
contribute that, you contributedthis.
And then it just it feels likeit.
My gut says you just whittle itdown to score keeping.
Yeah, then it just becomes likea well, you did this, and you
did that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:22):
You think of like 50-50 or 100-zero, like that
doesn't have anything anythingto do with commitment either.
Like it's separating because Ithink that that brings you to
look at uh the actions, itbrings you to look at the
chores, it brings you to look atmaybe the money, who's bringing
in what.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Like I was just gonna say, like today, uh for an
example, um if we were keepingscore, you would be way ahead.
Like today.
Today, yeah, you worked on myJeep trying to change the
brakes, you cleaned the shower,like there's like a list of
things that you accomplishedtoday.
Our background's falling downaround us.
(17:04):
When when I was like quoteunquote, I was just at work.
SPEAKER_03 (17:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (17:08):
But like as well.
SPEAKER_03 (17:13):
I just wanted them to be done.
Um I didn't look at them in away of Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:17):
But like Michael said, if you go, if you look at
stuff uh in a scorekeeping frameof mind, I mean you could
literally be like, Well, I didall those things and you haven't
done anything today for thehouse or for me, or you know
what I mean?
SPEAKER_03 (17:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (17:30):
That's dangerous.
SPEAKER_03 (17:32):
Yeah.
So you say it's commitment.
SPEAKER_02 (17:35):
Well, I say when I when yes, because when you look
at that, like that changes a lotof how you perceive all these
small things.
Whereas if you're looking atcommitment, I think it changes
the mindset of being like, hey,this might be a crazy season,
you know, I might be pullingmore of the weight, quote
unquote.
But next season the other personmight be carrying more of the
(17:57):
weight.
Like it it's an ebb and flow.
SPEAKER_03 (18:00):
So what if that season turns into a norm?
Like um just what if?
I'm just saying.
I know there's lots of theseopportunities where people go,
man, I feel like I go home and Iwork all day and I come home,
and then I I gotta do dinner,then I gotta clean up, and then
I gotta do this, and then Igotta do yard work, and I gotta
(18:22):
do and it's goes on and on andon.
It's like, okay, well, maybethat for if it's for a season,
that changes our perspective.
But when that's just life, yeah,what then?
How do you how do you navigatethat?
What does that look like?
Well, I think And that's notrhetorical.
That I'm looking for answers.
SPEAKER_02 (18:39):
No, okay, so I'll bring an answer.
If you are looking at it in theterms of 50-50 or 100% zero,
then yeah, you that is gonnalead to a lot of frustrations,
and that frustration is like howdoes that come out?
Um but and it takes me to a bookthat we read, Crucial
Conversations, whenever you'regoing through hard
conversations, always stay onpoint, always go after your goal
(19:01):
before you even get into a hardconversation.
What is your what is your endgame?
What are you trying to get outof this?
So when I look at this contextin the same way, what are you
trying to get out of it?
Ultimately in your marriage, uhit's long term until that is
hard, it's a it's a lifelongcommitment.
So when you look at it in termsof that 50-50 or whatnot, I
(19:22):
think that can lead tofrustrations that lead to
arguments that are simply justarguments about uh chores or
arguments about that.
Whereas if you are looking at itas in commitment and you can sit
down and have thoseconversations with an
understanding and a mutual trustand agreement by saying, Hey,
we're both committed to this,that together, whatever we're
(19:42):
facing, we are going to dotogether.
That just simply comes down touh communication and
understanding where each other'sat, to say, uh, hey, I know it's
kind of been a season of this,I've been doing a lot more.
It would be nice to get somehelp.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
You know, or it would be nice to take a that's a
big, big question to ask.
Because that one question couldor just that statement, asking.
Yeah, you could have kicked asnowball down the hill and just
watch what happens.
Very much so, very much so.
It's like, oh my gosh.
But again, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_01 (20:12):
What do you mean you'd like some help?
I've been doing this.
SPEAKER_02 (20:15):
Yeah, in saying this is a together thing.
It's not a me versus you, howmuch have I done versus how much
you've done, but it is atogether thing.
SPEAKER_03 (20:24):
Because I I I think it's a mindset issue.
Like it's it's reallyinteresting.
Oh man.
More of our decorations behindus.
Now it's just one big loop.
We got a big loop.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
It's even now.
SPEAKER_03 (20:38):
We're doing some Christmas decorations.
SPEAKER_01 (20:39):
Oh I did what you said!
SPEAKER_03 (20:43):
She did just ripped it.
SPEAKER_01 (20:47):
I did what you said.
Yeah, put that there.
SPEAKER_03 (20:48):
That's just what just matched.
SPEAKER_01 (20:50):
I did.
SPEAKER_03 (20:51):
This is just how we roll up in here.
SPEAKER_00 (20:53):
Born gently.
SPEAKER_01 (20:55):
I did what you said, Miranda.
Hey, I love it.
Oh, perfect.
So one thing is that simply youcrap.
Yeah, we'll put a link.
SPEAKER_03 (21:05):
Yeah, we'll put a link for socials if you'd like
to get some of this.
It's a very Christmas.
Sorry, if you're listening, nowI have a garland wrapped.
SPEAKER_01 (21:15):
Christmas garland handmade by Miranda.
SPEAKER_03 (21:17):
It's Greg's Christmas garden.
We forget sometimes thateverybody's watching us, they're
just listening to us.
SPEAKER_01 (21:23):
Well, okay, I forgot how we even got to where we're
going.
SPEAKER_03 (21:27):
Garland, garland, not garlic.
What is happening?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
Oh my gosh.
But when we have been in thoseseasons where you were pulling
more of the weight or I waspulling more of the weight, or
whatever, the the thing thathelped us survive those is lots
and lots of communication.
SPEAKER_03 (21:44):
Yeah.
Lots of intentional time.
Yeah.
Like making sure we spend time.
But there's there's couples outthere who don't have any of
that, who aren't doing any ofthat.
SPEAKER_01 (21:54):
And they're just doing it's like you can't start
in your head now that you havethe garlic.
SPEAKER_03 (21:57):
There's a lot, there's a lot of there's a lot
of garlic, but it's kind ofcaught me in the ear, scared me
a little bit.
But like we it's the same idea,though.
Like we had couples that we'veknown that have separate bank
accounts.
And I'm like, okay, help meunder what are you doing?
SPEAKER_04 (22:14):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (22:14):
They're like, well, they can't manage their money.
And I was like, well, that'syour money.
So like it doesn't matter.
Like if you're gonna be broke,be broke together.
If you're gonna have money, havemoney together.
SPEAKER_01 (22:25):
It's more fun when you're broke together.
SPEAKER_03 (22:26):
Well, it's the idea, like, it's like, okay, so what
how does that how does uh for meit just baffles my mind because
I'm like, how in the world areyou moving forward in a
committed relationship whenyou're separate?
Yeah, yeah.
Like you, you, you have likethat's just saying, I'm not, I
don't know.
I don't know the way I trustyou.
Yeah, I'm not, I don't, I don'tknow about that.
(22:48):
Like I trust you with theseother things, but not with the
money.
Right.
I don't know about that.
And uh it's just one of thoseweird things for me.
I'm like, bro, if you can'tcombine your checking accounts
because you don't trust eachother, we need to stop right
there and have a conversationaround that.
Like we need to resolve that.
We need to wrestle that to theground and unpack that before we
move on.
SPEAKER_01 (23:07):
But moving forward with uh is marriage 50-50 or
not?
There uh this song can actuallycame on when we were eating
dinner.
There's a song, it's a countrysong.
I guess you'd call it country.
It's 90 10.
And the chorus is give me you onyour worst days, I'll give you
my best.
Um when you only got 10, helpme.
90, I'll give you uh orsomething giving 10 and I'll
(23:28):
give you the 90 that's left.
Or um It's uh who sings it?
Muscadine bloodline.
SPEAKER_03 (23:33):
Yeah, muscadine blood.
SPEAKER_01 (23:34):
But I can't remember the exact chorus, but it's
talking about if you've only got10% that day, I'll give you the
90 that's left.
And I mean, that really is kindof what we're talking about
because there's there was thosedays and there have been days
where I've only got I've gotliterally I'm I'm I'm walking up
to you if I got 10 to give.
10% is all I got today.
(23:54):
And I I don't think I do as goodof a job as you do, but you
you'll step up and give thatrest that what's needed.
Um you've always been reallygood about that.
But I think I think it's justyou're selfless when it comes to
that.
SPEAKER_03 (24:08):
But what if what if?
No, this is a big what if.
What if we shifted the mindsetof marriage?
Like what if we just from theword go?
The Bible tells us that this isthe uniting of two people, that
you're no longer two, but you'reone.
So one being, I can't separatemyself from myself.
(24:30):
Like I am one.
Like what I do to myself, I doto you.
What you do to your it's likeit's just that same thing.
What if the mindset shifted inthe because I'm all about how we
think and how we see things.
Then we started talking aboutthe idea of um burn the ships.
And if you don't know the ideaor the story behind that, was
(24:53):
yeah, Cortez, a guy who wasexploring, uh, I think he was a
Spanish explorer.
Yeah, exploring hit Mexico andbasically told everybody else,
hey, just burn the ships,because we are going, we're not
going anywhere else but here.
Like we have landed and this isit.
We're gonna make this work.
Um, and you may look at that andgo, that's really cheesy.
(25:16):
It's really not.
It's really not.
Like you're like, I'm no matterbecause if I don't care if
you're new to me, if you'rebrand new, get married,
congratulations.
Thank you for finding us ifyou're brand new.
If you're seven years in, youknow what I'm about to say.
You're gonna you're gonna getpissed at each other, you're
gonna get mad at each other,you're gonna get frustrated at
(25:38):
each other.
That's called relationships,that's called wife.
Um, and if I always have theidea that I have a way out, I
automatically start looking forthat way out.
And and and it just changes theway that we when I'm all in, it
changes everything.
SPEAKER_01 (25:56):
The way you approach everything.
SPEAKER_02 (25:58):
Well, and it's like the grass is always greener.
If you're sitting here and it'snot good and you're saying, oh
my gosh, I've got an exit, I'vegot an out.
Oh man, it just I don't have tostay in this.
SPEAKER_04 (26:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (26:07):
Well, yeah, it's it's always easier to quit.
SPEAKER_03 (26:10):
It's it that whole grass is greener thing, I've
always thought was interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
That's a weird analogy.
Because it's not always thegrass is greener.
SPEAKER_03 (26:17):
No, there is some greener grass out there.
It's greener where you water it.
But because they they've JustinBieber quote.
SPEAKER_01 (26:24):
Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03 (26:25):
Oh my gosh.
It's it's greener becausethey've worked to make it you
work at it.
Yeah, they've fertilized it,they do all the work that it
takes to make it look like that.
If you want yours to look thatway, then work at it.
SPEAKER_04 (26:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (26:36):
Like that's what that's that's what it's called.
Like it's relationship.
If if this is news to you, I amso distraught.
I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01 (26:43):
You've got to you've got to take that garland off for
yourself.
You won't turn your head.
SPEAKER_03 (26:48):
If if your relationships, if this is news,
I'm sorry.
Relationships are work.
They're not fun always.
No, they're not.
And if you're looking forsunshines and rainbows and
unicorns all the time, sorry.
There's dragons there too.
Uh, and they like to burn stuffup down, and sometimes it's not
fun.
Uh so that's just that's justlife.
(27:09):
That's just relationships.
They what we want to helpprovide is ways to help navigate
that, give you tools to kind ofwe want to help you burn your
boats.
SPEAKER_01 (27:18):
Yeah.
So you're not trying to find away out, but to actually work
together.
SPEAKER_03 (27:22):
Yeah, and ultimately that's that's the first step in
order to say, I really want thismarriage to work, is like, okay,
well, I'm not going anywhereelse.
Like, I'm not looking anywhereelse.
And I told you we were we drovedown to Florida uh when this
airs.
It was this past weekend, butwhen this airs, it'll be a
couple weeks from now to see ourkids, um, our our grown kids, a
(27:43):
couple of our grown kids inFlorida.
Um, and we were having thisconversation on the way down,
and I was like, I think when wegive things a name or we give
them a place, it it starts toaffect how we see things.
For instance, um, well, I wasrunning one time.
I was trying to do a lot ofrunning.
I was like, as I was running, ifI ever get to the point where
(28:03):
I'm like, dude, my knee reallyhurts.
When I start and I give thatsomething and I said, My knee
hurts.
Oh, this is in my mind, you giveme 15 minutes from now, I can
tell you how it is a horribleidea for me to keep running that
I probably could becomeparalyzed and have to be in a
wheelchair for the rest of mylife.
Right.
So I should just not even justrun, I should stop walking and
(28:24):
just sit down and take a break.
Yes.
Um, because that's what we do.
Everything falls into thatcategory.
And we start putting all of ourattention.
Well, the same is true in our inour relationships, especially in
our marriage.
Like, don't ever use the worddivorce.
SPEAKER_04 (28:37):
No.
SPEAKER_03 (28:37):
Like if you're at the point where you're gonna
say, Oh, I'm gonna throw arounddivorce or I'm gonna call a
lawyer, then what happens isevery time something goes wrong,
every time that there's adoesn't go your way, speed
bumper, yeah, you youautomatically start looking for
excuses.
Maybe we just shouldn't betogether on that divorce.
Yeah.
It's the same thing.
But we do it over and over andover and again.
(28:59):
It's like, bro, so when I say Iunderstand the whole I'm 100%
in, like I'll give you 100%.
I can't give you 100%, but I canguarantee you this I'm not going
anywhere.
SPEAKER_04 (29:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:11):
Like I'm I'm gonna be here.
Uh there may be days where Idon't want to get off the couch,
but I'm gonna be on the couch.
SPEAKER_01 (29:18):
But there may be days where I don't really want
to talk a whole lot.
SPEAKER_03 (29:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
But But I mean I don't like you.
Yeah.
Just I don't really have a lotof words to give.
SPEAKER_03 (29:26):
And so it's this crazy thing, though, that we in
marriage is that we overanalyzeall of those things and we just
and we look at it as this, uhwell, I wash the dishes and I
cleaned the floors, and youhaven't done any of that.
So how do we Okay, let's get tounpack.
So are are we at an unpackplace?
(29:46):
Can we do that?
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
Or is there something else you want to add?
No, I mean I think followingthrough all of this is going to
all be unpacking.
So let's discuss.
Okay, so now we need to take aminute.
SPEAKER_03 (29:57):
So I'm all in.
SPEAKER_01 (29:59):
Okay, so
SPEAKER_03 (30:00):
And I'm doing ninety percent of the stuff and ten
percent all the time.
SPEAKER_02 (30:05):
Well I think first off the question is have you
both uh been able to articulateand communicate that you're both
all in?
And what does that look like?
What does all then look like?
Well, to me it's burning theships, you know, and and I is
something we we talked about alittle bit ago, you know, this
concept, like say you got thisbig old melting plot between you
and your spouse, right?
(30:26):
You're standing on one side andthey're standing on the other,
and you're like, okay, here's,you know, I'll give you X amount
of this, and then what we put inthe middle is what we share and
what we do together.
Well, I may be holding on toanything, and it could be
anything from, oh, I I still gota chance to go live a single
lifestyle if I need to, or if Iwant, you know, I can that's my
(30:48):
back backup plan.
Or I mean it could be as much ashaving someone that you're like,
oh, well, there's still a backupplan.
It could be anything, but no,that melting pot is what you
were saying earlier, the twobecome one, and what becomes one
is inseparable.
So when you're looking at thatmelting pot in front of you to
both mutually say, I am puttingall of me inside this melting
(31:12):
pot.
SPEAKER_03 (31:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (31:15):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (31:16):
I was gonna say, um, when you're thinking about, you
know, what percent of 50, 50,100, whatever.
I think the big part of it is iscan you be really honest with
yourself of what you areactually giving?
SPEAKER_04 (31:30):
That's good.
SPEAKER_01 (31:31):
Like I wanna be able to say I'm giving you 100% every
day, but can I also be honestwith myself to be like, but are
you really?
I mean, that that that's hurtget that's hurtful to your own
thinking because we want tothink better of ourselves, but
if your spouse or yoursignificant other is asking,
(31:53):
like, I need more, or you know,can we meet in the middle more
often or whatever the case maybe?
No, but you're too proud toreally think about, okay, what
am I actually giving?
Um, am I giving enough to wherethey can even recognize it?
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Yeah.
So would this be a crazy unpackexercise?
What if you wrote downeverything you've done in the
last week?
Is that does that fall intoscore counting?
SPEAKER_01 (32:22):
Yes, I think so.
SPEAKER_03 (32:24):
Okay.
unknown (32:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:26):
I'm just spitballing you.
I'm throwing stuff on the wallto see what happens.
SPEAKER_02 (32:29):
I mean, if we're doing something like that, it
would almost be like write downthe things you're willing to
give up for your spouse.
SPEAKER_03 (32:36):
Okay.
Because I'm uh the the idea islike self-awareness is a huge
part.
I mean, that's the first stepinto making a change.
In some people's heads, ifthey're at 10%, they may be
like, bro, I am giving so much.
SPEAKER_01 (32:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:53):
And just like, eh, are you really?
Like, um, I do like the ideathough.
I think it's more helpful to askthe question, what have I done
to support my significant otherthis way?
SPEAKER_01 (33:04):
That's what I was about to say.
What maybe even, and it it mightbe hard for you to do because
again, it's self-awareness, butum what have you done?
Can you name like maybe fivethings that you've done that
really matter to the otherperson?
Because there's things that youdo for for me that speak to my
(33:26):
heart that don't really do muchfor you.
And I would say this versa.
SPEAKER_03 (33:31):
Like 100%.
I unclog the shower and cleanthe shower because you really,
really wanted it to.
Uh-huh.
And it wasn't, it was dirty, itwas nasty.
Um, but I didn't, I mean, therewas a thousand other things I
wanted to do.
No, but I did that because Iknew you said, I'm gonna do that
when I get home.
And I'm like, no, I'm gonna dothat now so you don't have to do
(33:52):
it when you get home.
SPEAKER_01 (33:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (33:54):
Um, and it wasn't like I was expecting anything in
return.
I just wanted to do that to takethat off your plate.
SPEAKER_01 (34:00):
So So can our listeners name some things that
they've done lately just forthat?
SPEAKER_03 (34:08):
So how about this?
Yeah, okay.
So write down five for the lastweek, write down five.
Yeah.
That's not even one every day.
That's five out of seven.
Like I did something um for mysignificant other.
Like, did something for themjust for that.
I mean, I think that's a goodplace to start, to start the
(34:31):
conversation.
And this is where you had to bevery careful.
I think it's very important tostart the conversation.
And that's where I would likefor us maybe to roll into maybe
the next few episodes uh to talkabout roles and responsibilities
and expectations and how those,because those things play hand
in hand with the same.
SPEAKER_01 (34:50):
And we're talking about what percent are you
giving?
And if if what you're giving isnot actually something that they
want to receive or somethingthat speaks to them, it's like,
is that really giving?
Like, are you just kind of goingthrough the motions?
SPEAKER_02 (35:03):
It is okay to ask your spouse how to best love
them.
Oh, yeah, and how to bestsupport them.
SPEAKER_01 (35:09):
We've revisited that conversation hundreds of times.
SPEAKER_03 (35:12):
That was one thing um that I caught too.
Charlie Kirk used to write hiswife a note every day, every
week, the end of the week, anduh he would ask her the
question, How can I better serveyou?
Yeah, how can I better serve youthis week?
And I was like, that's sopowerful.
What if we asked, like literallyevery every week at the at the
(35:33):
end of that, whether it'sSaturday or Sunday, you asked
your spouse, how can I betterserve you this week?
Because I want to do that.
Uh that alone is a is a is amind shift.
It is.
Um, and uh it just changes itfrom you to to someone else,
which makes a huge difference inhow how how you do everything.
(35:54):
So 50-50 is crap.
SPEAKER_02 (35:59):
Is that what I'm hearing?
Well, and if I can even I wouldagree, yes, but even going on
what you said, how can I serveyou?
That changes your entire heartmotivation as to why you do what
you do.
SPEAKER_01 (36:10):
Well, that's what I was trying to say, which I'm so
grateful there's more than justmy mind here.
But serving and giving, I feellike go hand in hand.
And so when we're talking aboutwhat are you giving to your
marriage, to your spouse, it Imean, it basically does boil
down to how are you serving oneanother.
SPEAKER_02 (36:27):
Yeah, well, and if you're looking at it as an
investment, right, then it veryeasily turns to that 50-50 or
wherever you put that number at.
But when you turn it to serving,like it changes everything.
You do this because I love you,because I want to build you.
SPEAKER_01 (36:41):
I mean, it changes the lens that you're looking at
it through, honestly.
It really does.
SPEAKER_02 (36:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (36:46):
It's like I'm not just doing this so you won't
complain about it, not youspecifically, just yeah.
I'm I'm not just doing this justto mark it off a list or so you
won't nag me to death.
No, I'm doing these thingsbecause I want to serve you and
I want to serve our marriage andfor for you know the greater
good of our us as a couple, ourfamily, and all of those things.
(37:08):
When you change the way you lookat it, it changes everything.
SPEAKER_03 (37:12):
So, guys, I'm gonna give you some.
This is free.
You don't have to spend memoney.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
So, you know, you're welcome.
I'm gonna start with that.
You're welcome.
If you want to win, plan, plan acoffee day.
If your wife doesn't likecoffee, go get her a glass of
wine, whatever it may be.
SPEAKER_01 (37:33):
Or hot chocolate.
SPEAKER_03 (37:34):
Yeah, hot chocolate, and just sit down and and ask
her that one question.
Hey, I love you, and how can Ibetter serve you?
Ask that question and then spendthe next 30 to 40 minutes just
talking about it.
SPEAKER_01 (37:51):
Ladies, after you answer that question, then you
ask the same one and you have tobe willing to hear it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (37:58):
That's the thing.
SPEAKER_03 (37:59):
Yeah, and that's uh just ask the question and see
what happens.
Just start the conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (38:05):
If you burned your ships when you got married, then
you should want to hear whateach other has to say.
SPEAKER_02 (38:11):
Well, when if you burn your ships, it means the
two are one.
Therefore, anything you do toinvest in your spouse is
investing in you as well.
And both should have thatmindset because you're investing
in you together as a collective,one unit.
SPEAKER_03 (38:25):
That's true.
Wow.
That's good stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (38:29):
It is.
SPEAKER_03 (38:30):
So I'm never gonna in premarital go, you should be
50-50 in marriage anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (38:35):
Don't ever say that again, honey.
SPEAKER_03 (38:36):
Yes, ma'am.
I'm kidding.
Thank you guys.
I just want to say thank youguys so much for joining us to
uh today and just listening.
Uh, thank you for sharing.
Uh, thank you for liking.
Please like, subscribe.
Uh, all the good stuff we'retrying to do we're trying to
grow.
We have some numbers we'retrying to hit.
Please share it.
Uh, hit the share button.
(38:57):
Uh, text us.
You can text us from um, I knowfrom Apple Podcasts and from
Spotify.
Yeah, you can just send us atext if there's something you
want to hear, something you wantus to talk about.
If you agree, disagree, whateverit may be, let us hear it.
Um, but thank you so much fortaking the time to to be a part
of our podcast.
And uh thanks for joining Bakersthen.
SPEAKER_04 (39:18):
Yeah, good dogs.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
SPEAKER_00 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast, Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
SPEAKER_03 (00:17):
What's up, everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
This is a place where we'd liketo have some conversation and
hopefully create some communityaround the idea or the thoughts
of relationships, marriage, andblended family, all those fun
things.
If you're new here, thanks forjoining us.
If you're a regular, you know,this is the part where you get
(00:38):
to grab your favorite drink, uh,whatever that may be, if it's
coffee, if it's been a hard day,whatever that is, pull up to the
table with us, take a deepbreath, and just enjoy some good
conversation.
Hopefully you this is after youdeep breath.
Yeah, just as little stresstonight.
So we um just finishedThanksgiving, and there's
(01:01):
there's so much we could unpackfrom Thanksgiving's.
And uh always.
Yeah, we're not gonna unpackthat right now, not in this
episode.
Um, but we just want to say alsoto uh one of our listeners, so
he's been listening to us sincewe started, uh, sent us one of
the actual clip things that youstart.
(01:21):
We should probably figure outwhat the actual name of that
thing is.
Yeah, I don't even know whatthat thing is.
The movie clip.
Like the movie clip thing, so wecan snap to actually start video
and audio and all that together.
No, now we've been clapping andwe've moved up.
And we just want to say thanks,Tony.
I feel like we've really made itbig now, Tony.
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Thank you, Tony.
SPEAKER_03 (01:38):
We're going public.
Now Jess doesn't laugh everytime the platform is.
Jess quit laughing, so I don'tknow what that means.
She doesn't think that's funnyanymore.
But um anyway, thank you, Tony.
We really appreciate that.
It has been.
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
When you clap your hands or whoever it is,
whoever's turn it is, it'salways funny.
But that the clapboard is verylike official.
Very serious.
SPEAKER_04 (01:59):
It's known as a slate.
SPEAKER_01 (02:00):
Oh, a slate.
SPEAKER_03 (02:01):
A slate.
A slate clapboard.
Thank you, Miranda.
unknown (02:04):
Yeah, of course.
SPEAKER_03 (02:05):
Yeah.
Maybe one day I'll get up hereat your microphone.
Maybe one day we'll give you amicrophone.
You slow down there, cow girl,all right?
Slow down.
SPEAKER_02 (02:14):
Like 20 episodes before I got one.
SPEAKER_01 (02:16):
Yeah, that's true.
SPEAKER_03 (02:18):
Mike was looking, I wrote sound.
I could have plugged it up fromday one if I wanted.
Well, let's uh let's jump intoour um our fun stuff before we
uh get too far in.
SPEAKER_04 (02:29):
So this is just uh babe.
SPEAKER_01 (02:35):
Thank you, great question.
SPEAKER_03 (02:36):
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Sorry, man, I'm struggling.
SPEAKER_01 (02:39):
Dramatic.
Okay.
I'm a passionate guy.
Would you rather have a fierydragon or a magical unicorn as a
pet?
SPEAKER_02 (02:49):
Ooh, I was a huge Game of Thrones fan.
So I know I'm I'm digging thatdragon.
Yeah, I kind of go with dragonso I can ride that bad boy.
Yeah, do I get to get to thedragon as a baby?
Like I raise it.
So you have to raise it.
SPEAKER_01 (03:00):
I feel like you can you can watch Game of Thrones?
SPEAKER_03 (03:03):
Yeah, because it'll eat me otherwise.
Yeah, it will eat that.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
I think you have to raise it from a baby.
SPEAKER_03 (03:07):
Yeah.
And a unicorn?
If it's a magical unicorn, ahorse with a horn on its head.
It's like a cow and a few.
SPEAKER_01 (03:15):
First of all, yes, it's magical.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
I can do a magic can I finish my that might change my
answer if it does.
SPEAKER_01 (03:24):
That's where I was going.
My magical unicorn can havepowers.
And what if the powers that Itell it to have is being a fire
breathing?
SPEAKER_02 (03:32):
But I don't think you can.
And it's a dragon.
It's not even.
SPEAKER_01 (03:35):
No, it's still a magical unicorn.
It's a fire-breathing unicorn.
SPEAKER_03 (03:40):
Well, that just sounds weird and uncool.
I'm still going with firebreathing dragon.
Yeah, I got a fire-breathingdragon.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
I'm going with a magical unicorn.
SPEAKER_02 (03:46):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (03:46):
She's magical.
SPEAKER_02 (03:47):
All right.
Well, we're tied.
I'm magical.
Thomas, what's your answer?
Doing a fire-breathing dragon.
Dragon wings.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (03:53):
Dudes do dragons.
Girls ride the little ponieswith the horns.
SPEAKER_01 (03:57):
When did this become a competition?
SPEAKER_03 (04:00):
Always a competition, Jessica.
SPEAKER_01 (04:02):
It's a good company.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (04:04):
Do we have one more?
Or we better jump in.
SPEAKER_01 (04:07):
Um I was going to do a serious one, but I'm not going
to do that because it'll taketoo long.
That'll be out.
No.
Okay, here's another one.
SPEAKER_03 (04:13):
Would you do a serious?
SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
Do a serious, but we'll keep our answers short.
How's that?
Short answers so we can dive in.
SPEAKER_01 (04:18):
Would you rather know the date of your death or
the cause of your death?
SPEAKER_02 (04:23):
Ooh, that's rough.
I don't want to know the date ofmy death.
No cause.
And I also don't want to knowthe cause of my death.
SPEAKER_03 (04:28):
I want to know.
SPEAKER_01 (04:29):
This is the one I was going to skip, and you're
like, no, do it.
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
Okay, so really second part of that question.
If you could pick a way to die,how would you die?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Oh my God.
In my sleep.
And you're oh so Thomas has ananswer?
SPEAKER_03 (04:40):
I know.
Mine would be like skydiving orjumping off a cliff.
I want to, I mean, you're endingwith like how would you what
would you say?
You're like adrenaline's going.
SPEAKER_02 (04:50):
Drowning.
SPEAKER_01 (04:51):
Drowning?
SPEAKER_02 (04:51):
Drowning is like the most peaceful way, isn't it?
No.
Because the moment you inhalewater, everything just goes out.
SPEAKER_03 (04:57):
Like you don't know, there's a choking moment there.
There's a couple seconds there,like there's a time period where
you don't go and you're gone.
SPEAKER_01 (05:05):
That's not how I want to just in my sleep.
I don't I'm not gonna know.
SPEAKER_03 (05:10):
But you're gonna feel like you're gonna feel the
oxygen leaving your body.
If I'm running 150 miles an hourand I hit the ground, it's
pretty quick.
Yeah, but you're also like myluck, I would hit something and
live.
SPEAKER_01 (05:23):
I'd bounce bounce off the swamp.
If you die immediately, no.
SPEAKER_03 (05:30):
What I would still choose the cause of my death.
Okay, yeah, I would give acause.
That was very morbid.
SPEAKER_01 (05:36):
I wasn't gonna do that.
SPEAKER_03 (05:38):
And yours wasn't, Greg.
Oh, sorry, yeah, it was.
SPEAKER_01 (05:41):
The date you want to know the date.
Yeah.
I think I would probably leantowards want to know the date.
SPEAKER_02 (05:47):
Well, I guess if I knew the date, then I could
literally do whatever I want.
You could.
I would have a much more freelife if I knew the date than if
I knew the cause.
Unless it was like three daysfrom when you found out.
And then you could be damn whileyou're gonna do it.
Or maybe if I found out that itwas three days from now, so I
would go live it up, and that'swhat caused me to be in the
hospital for three days.
SPEAKER_01 (06:09):
You could not gonna die.
Yeah, you could do that whole uhwe'd be invincible for that
amount of time.
You'd be like Deadpool.
You'd just do all these thingsand your body would just put
itself back together.
SPEAKER_03 (06:23):
It's so fun that none of this has anything to do
with relationships or uhmarriage, but it does have to do
with the right.
SPEAKER_01 (06:31):
There's so many good questions on here that we'll
save them for later.
SPEAKER_03 (06:34):
So I have I have a good question, and and it's kind
of the basis of our conversationhere today, and hopefully to add
some input.
And this is going to be veryinteractive.
So there's gonna be a lot ofback and forth, Michael, anybody
else involved?
SPEAKER_01 (06:49):
Thomas and Miranda, you could jump on the phone.
SPEAKER_03 (06:51):
Even if you you guys that are there, we'd love to say
we'd want you to get involved,but so far you guys are just
blowing up our social media.
SPEAKER_02 (07:00):
Social media feeds.
It's so much we can't respondto.
SPEAKER_03 (07:02):
Yeah, can't respond.
I can't respond to any of thembecause I don't have any of
them.
Anyway, I'm just kidding.
I'm not bitter.
Uh I do want to talk to youguys.
It's passion.
Drama.
So we did address we did addanother country, so um, that's
pretty awesome.
And we are working toward um ourlive event for our 50th episode.
(07:23):
So I hope we can have some folksthere and it's not just us
sitting sitting there.
Talking to each other?
SPEAKER_04 (07:28):
Yeah, I know.
Just in a different location.
SPEAKER_02 (07:30):
If it is just us there, we're gonna have one heck
of a time.
It is as we always do.
And I will pay somebody to showup and ask a question.
If we all chip in like fivebucks, we can get at least one
person.
SPEAKER_03 (07:41):
Yeah.
No, bro, who's$20 if you walk inhere and ask us a question?
SPEAKER_01 (07:45):
I'll write it down on a note card for you.
You don't even have to think ofit.
SPEAKER_03 (07:49):
So here's my I've I've probably done, I don't
know, 15 weddings in my time umover the years.
Some have been incrediblyinteresting, some have been very
formal, some uh very informal.
I've done our kids' weddings,the ones that are married so
far, uh, which has been fun.
They were both by done weddings,you mean you officiated.
(08:11):
I officiated the weddings, yes.
Yeah, that's a great way to sayit.
Thank you.
That's a big deal.
Um they were two completelydifferent experiences.
One was completely off the cuff,and the other one I called off
the cuff in the rain.
Yeah, I had no notes, nonothing.
It was pouring down rain.
Um then the other one I calledmy son-in-law uh our son's name,
Cody.
SPEAKER_01 (08:30):
Like Kelly and Cody are gonna get married, and we're
like, No.
SPEAKER_03 (08:34):
And then I was like, oh.
So anyway, we have these.
This is enough about how stupidI am.
Let's talk about something else.
And so um, we have these thingswe always say at marriages, and
we're, you know, we're preparingfor you know the what's to come
and what's out there.
But I've heard this phrase a lotin premarital counseling, and
and I always just thought it wasdumb and it really didn't make
(08:54):
sense.
But I want us to kind of diginto it tonight and talk about
it and what does it mean in reallife scenario that we hear this
phrase marriage is 50-50.
So agree, disagree.
Uh if you agree, tell me why.
If you disagree, tell me why.
Uh go.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Well, I mean, you just really built that up.
I was like, it's dumb whenpeople say that.
SPEAKER_03 (09:16):
No, I didn't say it was dumb.
I just said I I never reallyunderstood it, but I I'm open
for suggestions.
SPEAKER_01 (09:23):
So Well, I mean, before I even give my opinion,
um if you look at it like this,do you do you, as my husband,
want 50% of my effort?
SPEAKER_02 (09:36):
Ooh, good question.
SPEAKER_03 (09:38):
I've never heard of it posed like that.
Well, it depends on what we'retalking about.
If it's 50% of your effort oncutting the grass, you can do
the front yard or the backyard.
Right.
You can do the totally, I blow50% of that effort.
Yeah.
I mean, you could have blownhalf the gutters out or half the
um No, I mean, when you thinkabout it that way, it's kind of
(10:00):
it's kind of silly to be like,oh, you know, if you showed up
at work, you'd be like, allright, boss, I'm gonna give you
50% today.
Not many people are gonna beexcited that you're there
participating in that.
But I mean, it's something wesay, why do we say that then?
SPEAKER_01 (10:19):
I don't know.
I think maybe just because likeliteral logic is 50 and 50 go
together to give 100%.
But I feel like if I'm not Idon't know, I'm jumping ahead to
giving my opinion, but that'sthe this is the part where you
do this.
SPEAKER_03 (10:34):
Your podcast is the part of the card.
This is your podcast, so you cangive your opinion.
SPEAKER_01 (10:38):
But I I think I I should be giving you my my full
effort, my 100% is what I shouldbe giving to you.
I'm not only giving you 50 withhopes that you're gonna give 50
and we're just gonna somehowmake it.
You know?
SPEAKER_03 (10:55):
Yeah.
But I uh Michael, you have somebecause I have something on that
though, but uh because I don'teven know that that's realistic
either.
SPEAKER_02 (11:02):
I don't think I do but well, and that's what I've
heard is like you know, you hearjust being in church and also
doing like tech productionmusic.
Like you I've been to multiplemarriage conferences, things
like that.
People like no, it's not 50-50,it's 100% to zero.
Like, you know, both sidesshould be bringing a hundred
percent.
And that makes sense, but alsogoing to what Greg was saying, I
I feel like that's not alwaysrealistic.
SPEAKER_03 (11:24):
No, I'm I I would be pissed if I only got to if I'm
thinking you're not puttinganything into this, right?
Yeah, like, oh, you put 100% andI'm gonna put a hundred percent,
wink wink, like like how doesthat but but the the the thing
is, like, if and we could pullup studies and look at those
things and saying how how manytimes in our life, like how many
(11:46):
days, because have we been 100%have we nailed everything?
How many days have it been like?
I mean, let's just think aboutlet's just okay, let's take the
last two weeks of our lives andgo, okay, let me think about the
last two weeks.
How many days did I just nailit?
Like I was 100% on my game.
100% all day.
(12:07):
All day, every day.
Yeah, in my relationships, mycommunication.
Yeah, I didn't I can't rememberone of those days.
I'm I maybe I'm I mean, I'mpretty good, so I I think I'm
above average.
SPEAKER_01 (12:20):
You're so humble, dude.
SPEAKER_02 (12:21):
I will say I did have last week I had a crazy day
and I like dominated thatsucker.
And it's I feel like that was agood day, but even then So you
made it in the 90s though.
Yeah, I did I could see thatlike 80s, 90s, something like
that.
Yeah, but even then that waslike I was wore out.
Like I came home and likecrashed, like just was done.
SPEAKER_03 (12:43):
Yeah, because if you're giving 100%, that means I
have nothing left.
SPEAKER_01 (12:47):
Absolutely nothing.
SPEAKER_03 (12:48):
Like at the end, I'm done.
Like I'm spent.
That's like I used 100% of thegas in my engine, it's now done.
My car's done.
SPEAKER_04 (12:55):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (12:56):
Um, so it's it's it's it's an interesting concept
for me when we talk aboutrelationships and we talk about
the whole percentages and thethe ideas of 100% or 50-50.
SPEAKER_01 (13:09):
And um I was just thinking about like when I went
back to school and our four whowhat did you just do?
SPEAKER_03 (13:18):
Something popped in my glass.
Did you hear that?
SPEAKER_01 (13:21):
You hit yourself in the mouth, no.
SPEAKER_03 (13:23):
Something exploded in my cup.
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
I was thinking about when I went back to school and
the kids were like middle schoolages and everybody doing a
sport.
I had a full-time job, you had afull-time job.
And also I was going back justto college, and there were days
where I had gone to work all dayand then I'd had to well, most
days actually, I would come homeand have hours of homework to do
(13:49):
um in between dinner and sportsand all the things.
And during that span of ourlife, that what two years?
SPEAKER_03 (13:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:58):
Um I mean, I wasn't given 100% to everything all the
time because I had a differentfocus for that.
It felt like forever, but thatshort span of our life, I had to
give the most attention to myschool work and that you had to
like double, triple your effortsin all the other places.
(14:19):
So I mean, there's been spans oftimes where I I know I haven't
given you 100%, but and whenthose times have happened, it's
kind of like you you cranked itup to give even more.
SPEAKER_03 (14:34):
Yeah.
But I think that's the that'sthe interesting thought here
behind all of that.
It's like if we s uh for me, uhjust my gut kind of tells me if
I'm looking at things inpercentages, because I've I've
owned three, four businesses inmy life.
Some by myself and some I hadpartners.
(14:56):
And when you partner, it's umit's they always say um every
every advice I've ever, everybusiness advice I ever got said
no one should ever be 50-50.
Somebody should be 51, somebodyshould be 49.
Somebody has to be able to oneto make the decision and be
done.
So it's always like, don't gointo a partnership uh in
business 50-50.
(15:18):
Like it's never a good idea.
And so when I hear all this inrelationships, that's what my
mind automatically goes to islike, ah, God, that just feels
weird.
But then also, too, all thebusiness advice, and I would
give this the advice to anybodystarting a business with a
partner.
The very first thing you do whenyou start a business with a
(15:39):
partner is you figure out whatyour exit strategy is gonna look
like.
Uh from day one, you decide whatit's gonna look like and feel
like when we separate.
SPEAKER_04 (15:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:49):
Um, which sounds like one of those really unfun
things to do, but it's likewe're not gonna be emotional
because it's literally running abusiness with someone is like
being married.
It's it's there's so much tothat.
But so many times we look atmarriage the same way we look at
business in us, because then wekeep score.
Like you did what you did this,you contributed this, you didn't
(16:11):
contribute that, you contributedthis.
And then it just it feels likeit.
My gut says you just whittle itdown to score keeping.
Yeah, then it just becomes likea well, you did this, and you
did that.
SPEAKER_02 (16:22):
You think of like 50-50 or 100-zero, like that
doesn't have anything anythingto do with commitment either.
Like it's separating because Ithink that that brings you to
look at uh the actions, itbrings you to look at the
chores, it brings you to look atmaybe the money, who's bringing
in what.
SPEAKER_01 (16:39):
Like I was just gonna say, like today, uh for an
example, um if we were keepingscore, you would be way ahead.
Like today.
Today, yeah, you worked on myJeep trying to change the
brakes, you cleaned the shower,like there's like a list of
things that you accomplishedtoday.
Our background's falling downaround us.
(17:04):
When when I was like quoteunquote, I was just at work.
SPEAKER_03 (17:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (17:08):
But like as well.
SPEAKER_03 (17:13):
I just wanted them to be done.
Um I didn't look at them in away of Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:17):
But like Michael said, if you go, if you look at
stuff uh in a scorekeeping frameof mind, I mean you could
literally be like, Well, I didall those things and you haven't
done anything today for thehouse or for me, or you know
what I mean?
SPEAKER_03 (17:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (17:30):
That's dangerous.
SPEAKER_03 (17:32):
Yeah.
So you say it's commitment.
SPEAKER_02 (17:35):
Well, I say when I when yes, because when you look
at that, like that changes a lotof how you perceive all these
small things.
Whereas if you're looking atcommitment, I think it changes
the mindset of being like, hey,this might be a crazy season,
you know, I might be pullingmore of the weight, quote
unquote.
But next season the other personmight be carrying more of the
(17:57):
weight.
Like it it's an ebb and flow.
SPEAKER_03 (18:00):
So what if that season turns into a norm?
Like um just what if?
I'm just saying.
I know there's lots of theseopportunities where people go,
man, I feel like I go home and Iwork all day and I come home,
and then I I gotta do dinner,then I gotta clean up, and then
I gotta do this, and then Igotta do yard work, and I gotta
(18:22):
do and it's goes on and on andon.
It's like, okay, well, maybethat for if it's for a season,
that changes our perspective.
But when that's just life, yeah,what then?
How do you how do you navigatethat?
What does that look like?
Well, I think And that's notrhetorical.
That I'm looking for answers.
SPEAKER_02 (18:39):
No, okay, so I'll bring an answer.
If you are looking at it in theterms of 50-50 or 100% zero,
then yeah, you that is gonnalead to a lot of frustrations,
and that frustration is like howdoes that come out?
Um but and it takes me to a bookthat we read, Crucial
Conversations, whenever you'regoing through hard
conversations, always stay onpoint, always go after your goal
(19:01):
before you even get into a hardconversation.
What is your what is your endgame?
What are you trying to get outof this?
So when I look at this contextin the same way, what are you
trying to get out of it?
Ultimately in your marriage, uhit's long term until that is
hard, it's a it's a lifelongcommitment.
So when you look at it in termsof that 50-50 or whatnot, I
(19:22):
think that can lead tofrustrations that lead to
arguments that are simply justarguments about uh chores or
arguments about that.
Whereas if you are looking at itas in commitment and you can sit
down and have thoseconversations with an
understanding and a mutual trustand agreement by saying, Hey,
we're both committed to this,that together, whatever we're
(19:42):
facing, we are going to dotogether.
That just simply comes down touh communication and
understanding where each other'sat, to say, uh, hey, I know it's
kind of been a season of this,I've been doing a lot more.
It would be nice to get somehelp.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
You know, or it would be nice to take a that's a
big, big question to ask.
Because that one question couldor just that statement, asking.
Yeah, you could have kicked asnowball down the hill and just
watch what happens.
Very much so, very much so.
It's like, oh my gosh.
But again, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_01 (20:12):
What do you mean you'd like some help?
I've been doing this.
SPEAKER_02 (20:15):
Yeah, in saying this is a together thing.
It's not a me versus you, howmuch have I done versus how much
you've done, but it is atogether thing.
SPEAKER_03 (20:24):
Because I I I think it's a mindset issue.
Like it's it's reallyinteresting.
Oh man.
More of our decorations behindus.
Now it's just one big loop.
We got a big loop.
SPEAKER_01 (20:36):
It's even now.
SPEAKER_03 (20:38):
We're doing some Christmas decorations.
SPEAKER_01 (20:39):
Oh I did what you said!
SPEAKER_03 (20:43):
She did just ripped it.
SPEAKER_01 (20:47):
I did what you said.
Yeah, put that there.
SPEAKER_03 (20:48):
That's just what just matched.
SPEAKER_01 (20:50):
I did.
SPEAKER_03 (20:51):
This is just how we roll up in here.
SPEAKER_00 (20:53):
Born gently.
SPEAKER_01 (20:55):
I did what you said, Miranda.
Hey, I love it.
Oh, perfect.
So one thing is that simply youcrap.
Yeah, we'll put a link.
SPEAKER_03 (21:05):
Yeah, we'll put a link for socials if you'd like
to get some of this.
It's a very Christmas.
Sorry, if you're listening, nowI have a garland wrapped.
SPEAKER_01 (21:15):
Christmas garland handmade by Miranda.
SPEAKER_03 (21:17):
It's Greg's Christmas garden.
We forget sometimes thateverybody's watching us, they're
just listening to us.
SPEAKER_01 (21:23):
Well, okay, I forgot how we even got to where we're
going.
SPEAKER_03 (21:27):
Garland, garland, not garlic.
What is happening?
SPEAKER_01 (21:30):
Oh my gosh.
But when we have been in thoseseasons where you were pulling
more of the weight or I waspulling more of the weight, or
whatever, the the thing thathelped us survive those is lots
and lots of communication.
SPEAKER_03 (21:44):
Yeah.
Lots of intentional time.
Yeah.
Like making sure we spend time.
But there's there's couples outthere who don't have any of
that, who aren't doing any ofthat.
SPEAKER_01 (21:54):
And they're just doing it's like you can't start
in your head now that you havethe garlic.
SPEAKER_03 (21:57):
There's a lot, there's a lot of there's a lot
of garlic, but it's kind ofcaught me in the ear, scared me
a little bit.
But like we it's the same idea,though.
Like we had couples that we'veknown that have separate bank
accounts.
And I'm like, okay, help meunder what are you doing?
SPEAKER_04 (22:14):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (22:14):
They're like, well, they can't manage their money.
And I was like, well, that'syour money.
So like it doesn't matter.
Like if you're gonna be broke,be broke together.
If you're gonna have money, havemoney together.
SPEAKER_01 (22:25):
It's more fun when you're broke together.
SPEAKER_03 (22:26):
Well, it's the idea, like, it's like, okay, so what
how does that how does uh for meit just baffles my mind because
I'm like, how in the world areyou moving forward in a
committed relationship whenyou're separate?
Yeah, yeah.
Like you, you, you have likethat's just saying, I'm not, I
don't know.
I don't know the way I trustyou.
Yeah, I'm not, I don't, I don'tknow about that.
(22:48):
Like I trust you with theseother things, but not with the
money.
Right.
I don't know about that.
And uh it's just one of thoseweird things for me.
I'm like, bro, if you can'tcombine your checking accounts
because you don't trust eachother, we need to stop right
there and have a conversationaround that.
Like we need to resolve that.
We need to wrestle that to theground and unpack that before we
move on.
SPEAKER_01 (23:07):
But moving forward with uh is marriage 50-50 or
not?
There uh this song can actuallycame on when we were eating
dinner.
There's a song, it's a countrysong.
I guess you'd call it country.
It's 90 10.
And the chorus is give me you onyour worst days, I'll give you
my best.
Um when you only got 10, helpme.
90, I'll give you uh orsomething giving 10 and I'll
(23:28):
give you the 90 that's left.
Or um It's uh who sings it?
Muscadine bloodline.
SPEAKER_03 (23:33):
Yeah, muscadine blood.
SPEAKER_01 (23:34):
But I can't remember the exact chorus, but it's
talking about if you've only got10% that day, I'll give you the
90 that's left.
And I mean, that really is kindof what we're talking about
because there's there was thosedays and there have been days
where I've only got I've gotliterally I'm I'm I'm walking up
to you if I got 10 to give.
10% is all I got today.
(23:54):
And I I don't think I do as goodof a job as you do, but you
you'll step up and give thatrest that what's needed.
Um you've always been reallygood about that.
But I think I think it's justyou're selfless when it comes to
that.
SPEAKER_03 (24:08):
But what if what if?
No, this is a big what if.
What if we shifted the mindsetof marriage?
Like what if we just from theword go?
The Bible tells us that this isthe uniting of two people, that
you're no longer two, but you'reone.
So one being, I can't separatemyself from myself.
(24:30):
Like I am one.
Like what I do to myself, I doto you.
What you do to your it's likeit's just that same thing.
What if the mindset shifted inthe because I'm all about how we
think and how we see things.
Then we started talking aboutthe idea of um burn the ships.
And if you don't know the ideaor the story behind that, was
(24:53):
yeah, Cortez, a guy who wasexploring, uh, I think he was a
Spanish explorer.
Yeah, exploring hit Mexico andbasically told everybody else,
hey, just burn the ships,because we are going, we're not
going anywhere else but here.
Like we have landed and this isit.
We're gonna make this work.
Um, and you may look at that andgo, that's really cheesy.
(25:16):
It's really not.
It's really not.
Like you're like, I'm no matterbecause if I don't care if
you're new to me, if you'rebrand new, get married,
congratulations.
Thank you for finding us ifyou're brand new.
If you're seven years in, youknow what I'm about to say.
You're gonna you're gonna getpissed at each other, you're
gonna get mad at each other,you're gonna get frustrated at
(25:38):
each other.
That's called relationships,that's called wife.
Um, and if I always have theidea that I have a way out, I
automatically start looking forthat way out.
And and and it just changes theway that we when I'm all in, it
changes everything.
SPEAKER_01 (25:56):
The way you approach everything.
SPEAKER_02 (25:58):
Well, and it's like the grass is always greener.
If you're sitting here and it'snot good and you're saying, oh
my gosh, I've got an exit, I'vegot an out.
Oh man, it just I don't have tostay in this.
SPEAKER_04 (26:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (26:07):
Well, yeah, it's it's always easier to quit.
SPEAKER_03 (26:10):
It's it that whole grass is greener thing, I've
always thought was interesting.
SPEAKER_01 (26:14):
That's a weird analogy.
Because it's not always thegrass is greener.
SPEAKER_03 (26:17):
No, there is some greener grass out there.
It's greener where you water it.
But because they they've JustinBieber quote.
SPEAKER_01 (26:24):
Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03 (26:25):
Oh my gosh.
It's it's greener becausethey've worked to make it you
work at it.
Yeah, they've fertilized it,they do all the work that it
takes to make it look like that.
If you want yours to look thatway, then work at it.
SPEAKER_04 (26:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (26:36):
Like that's what that's that's what it's called.
Like it's relationship.
If if this is news to you, I amso distraught.
I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01 (26:43):
You've got to you've got to take that garland off for
yourself.
You won't turn your head.
SPEAKER_03 (26:48):
If if your relationships, if this is news,
I'm sorry.
Relationships are work.
They're not fun always.
No, they're not.
And if you're looking forsunshines and rainbows and
unicorns all the time, sorry.
There's dragons there too.
Uh, and they like to burn stuffup down, and sometimes it's not
fun.
Uh so that's just that's justlife.
(27:09):
That's just relationships.
They what we want to helpprovide is ways to help navigate
that, give you tools to kind ofwe want to help you burn your
boats.
SPEAKER_01 (27:18):
Yeah.
So you're not trying to find away out, but to actually work
together.
SPEAKER_03 (27:22):
Yeah, and ultimately that's that's the first step in
order to say, I really want thismarriage to work, is like, okay,
well, I'm not going anywhereelse.
Like, I'm not looking anywhereelse.
And I told you we were we drovedown to Florida uh when this
airs.
It was this past weekend, butwhen this airs, it'll be a
couple weeks from now to see ourkids, um, our our grown kids, a
(27:43):
couple of our grown kids inFlorida.
Um, and we were having thisconversation on the way down,
and I was like, I think when wegive things a name or we give
them a place, it it starts toaffect how we see things.
For instance, um, well, I wasrunning one time.
I was trying to do a lot ofrunning.
I was like, as I was running, ifI ever get to the point where
(28:03):
I'm like, dude, my knee reallyhurts.
When I start and I give thatsomething and I said, My knee
hurts.
Oh, this is in my mind, you giveme 15 minutes from now, I can
tell you how it is a horribleidea for me to keep running that
I probably could becomeparalyzed and have to be in a
wheelchair for the rest of mylife.
Right.
So I should just not even justrun, I should stop walking and
(28:24):
just sit down and take a break.
Yes.
Um, because that's what we do.
Everything falls into thatcategory.
And we start putting all of ourattention.
Well, the same is true in our inour relationships, especially in
our marriage.
Like, don't ever use the worddivorce.
SPEAKER_04 (28:37):
No.
SPEAKER_03 (28:37):
Like if you're at the point where you're gonna
say, Oh, I'm gonna throw arounddivorce or I'm gonna call a
lawyer, then what happens isevery time something goes wrong,
every time that there's adoesn't go your way, speed
bumper, yeah, you youautomatically start looking for
excuses.
Maybe we just shouldn't betogether on that divorce.
Yeah.
It's the same thing.
But we do it over and over andover and again.
(28:59):
It's like, bro, so when I say Iunderstand the whole I'm 100%
in, like I'll give you 100%.
I can't give you 100%, but I canguarantee you this I'm not going
anywhere.
SPEAKER_04 (29:11):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:11):
Like I'm I'm gonna be here.
Uh there may be days where Idon't want to get off the couch,
but I'm gonna be on the couch.
SPEAKER_01 (29:18):
But there may be days where I don't really want
to talk a whole lot.
SPEAKER_03 (29:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
But But I mean I don't like you.
Yeah.
Just I don't really have a lotof words to give.
SPEAKER_03 (29:26):
And so it's this crazy thing, though, that we in
marriage is that we overanalyzeall of those things and we just
and we look at it as this, uhwell, I wash the dishes and I
cleaned the floors, and youhaven't done any of that.
So how do we Okay, let's get tounpack.
So are are we at an unpackplace?
(29:46):
Can we do that?
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
Or is there something else you want to add?
No, I mean I think followingthrough all of this is going to
all be unpacking.
So let's discuss.
Okay, so now we need to take aminute.
SPEAKER_03 (29:57):
So I'm all in.
SPEAKER_01 (29:59):
Okay, so
SPEAKER_03 (30:00):
And I'm doing ninety percent of the stuff and ten
percent all the time.
SPEAKER_02 (30:05):
Well I think first off the question is have you
both uh been able to articulateand communicate that you're both
all in?
And what does that look like?
What does all then look like?
Well, to me it's burning theships, you know, and and I is
something we we talked about alittle bit ago, you know, this
concept, like say you got thisbig old melting plot between you
and your spouse, right?
(30:26):
You're standing on one side andthey're standing on the other,
and you're like, okay, here's,you know, I'll give you X amount
of this, and then what we put inthe middle is what we share and
what we do together.
Well, I may be holding on toanything, and it could be
anything from, oh, I I still gota chance to go live a single
lifestyle if I need to, or if Iwant, you know, I can that's my
(30:48):
back backup plan.
Or I mean it could be as much ashaving someone that you're like,
oh, well, there's still a backupplan.
It could be anything, but no,that melting pot is what you
were saying earlier, the twobecome one, and what becomes one
is inseparable.
So when you're looking at thatmelting pot in front of you to
both mutually say, I am puttingall of me inside this melting
(31:12):
pot.
SPEAKER_03 (31:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (31:15):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (31:16):
I was gonna say, um, when you're thinking about, you
know, what percent of 50, 50,100, whatever.
I think the big part of it is iscan you be really honest with
yourself of what you areactually giving?
SPEAKER_04 (31:30):
That's good.
SPEAKER_01 (31:31):
Like I wanna be able to say I'm giving you 100% every
day, but can I also be honestwith myself to be like, but are
you really?
I mean, that that that's hurtget that's hurtful to your own
thinking because we want tothink better of ourselves, but
if your spouse or yoursignificant other is asking,
(31:53):
like, I need more, or you know,can we meet in the middle more
often or whatever the case maybe?
No, but you're too proud toreally think about, okay, what
am I actually giving?
Um, am I giving enough to wherethey can even recognize it?
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Yeah.
So would this be a crazy unpackexercise?
What if you wrote downeverything you've done in the
last week?
Is that does that fall intoscore counting?
SPEAKER_01 (32:22):
Yes, I think so.
SPEAKER_03 (32:24):
Okay.
unknown (32:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:26):
I'm just spitballing you.
I'm throwing stuff on the wallto see what happens.
SPEAKER_02 (32:29):
I mean, if we're doing something like that, it
would almost be like write downthe things you're willing to
give up for your spouse.
SPEAKER_03 (32:36):
Okay.
Because I'm uh the the idea islike self-awareness is a huge
part.
I mean, that's the first stepinto making a change.
In some people's heads, ifthey're at 10%, they may be
like, bro, I am giving so much.
SPEAKER_01 (32:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (32:53):
And just like, eh, are you really?
Like, um, I do like the ideathough.
I think it's more helpful to askthe question, what have I done
to support my significant otherthis way?
SPEAKER_01 (33:04):
That's what I was about to say.
What maybe even, and it it mightbe hard for you to do because
again, it's self-awareness, butum what have you done?
Can you name like maybe fivethings that you've done that
really matter to the otherperson?
Because there's things that youdo for for me that speak to my
(33:26):
heart that don't really do muchfor you.
And I would say this versa.
SPEAKER_03 (33:31):
Like 100%.
I unclog the shower and cleanthe shower because you really,
really wanted it to.
Uh-huh.
And it wasn't, it was dirty, itwas nasty.
Um, but I didn't, I mean, therewas a thousand other things I
wanted to do.
No, but I did that because Iknew you said, I'm gonna do that
when I get home.
And I'm like, no, I'm gonna dothat now so you don't have to do
(33:52):
it when you get home.
SPEAKER_01 (33:53):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (33:54):
Um, and it wasn't like I was expecting anything in
return.
I just wanted to do that to takethat off your plate.
SPEAKER_01 (34:00):
So So can our listeners name some things that
they've done lately just forthat?
SPEAKER_03 (34:08):
So how about this?
Yeah, okay.
So write down five for the lastweek, write down five.
Yeah.
That's not even one every day.
That's five out of seven.
Like I did something um for mysignificant other.
Like, did something for themjust for that.
I mean, I think that's a goodplace to start, to start the
(34:31):
conversation.
And this is where you had to bevery careful.
I think it's very important tostart the conversation.
And that's where I would likefor us maybe to roll into maybe
the next few episodes uh to talkabout roles and responsibilities
and expectations and how those,because those things play hand
in hand with the same.
SPEAKER_01 (34:50):
And we're talking about what percent are you
giving?
And if if what you're giving isnot actually something that they
want to receive or somethingthat speaks to them, it's like,
is that really giving?
Like, are you just kind of goingthrough the motions?
SPEAKER_02 (35:03):
It is okay to ask your spouse how to best love
them.
Oh, yeah, and how to bestsupport them.
SPEAKER_01 (35:09):
We've revisited that conversation hundreds of times.
SPEAKER_03 (35:12):
That was one thing um that I caught too.
Charlie Kirk used to write hiswife a note every day, every
week, the end of the week, anduh he would ask her the
question, How can I better serveyou?
Yeah, how can I better serve youthis week?
And I was like, that's sopowerful.
What if we asked, like literallyevery every week at the at the
(35:33):
end of that, whether it'sSaturday or Sunday, you asked
your spouse, how can I betterserve you this week?
Because I want to do that.
Uh that alone is a is a is amind shift.
It is.
Um, and uh it just changes itfrom you to to someone else,
which makes a huge difference inhow how how you do everything.
(35:54):
So 50-50 is crap.
SPEAKER_02 (35:59):
Is that what I'm hearing?
Well, and if I can even I wouldagree, yes, but even going on
what you said, how can I serveyou?
That changes your entire heartmotivation as to why you do what
you do.
SPEAKER_01 (36:10):
Well, that's what I was trying to say, which I'm so
grateful there's more than justmy mind here.
But serving and giving, I feellike go hand in hand.
And so when we're talking aboutwhat are you giving to your
marriage, to your spouse, it Imean, it basically does boil
down to how are you serving oneanother.
SPEAKER_02 (36:27):
Yeah, well, and if you're looking at it as an
investment, right, then it veryeasily turns to that 50-50 or
wherever you put that number at.
But when you turn it to serving,like it changes everything.
You do this because I love you,because I want to build you.
SPEAKER_01 (36:41):
I mean, it changes the lens that you're looking at
it through, honestly.
It really does.
SPEAKER_02 (36:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (36:46):
It's like I'm not just doing this so you won't
complain about it, not youspecifically, just yeah.
I'm I'm not just doing this justto mark it off a list or so you
won't nag me to death.
No, I'm doing these thingsbecause I want to serve you and
I want to serve our marriage andfor for you know the greater
good of our us as a couple, ourfamily, and all of those things.
(37:08):
When you change the way you lookat it, it changes everything.
SPEAKER_03 (37:12):
So, guys, I'm gonna give you some.
This is free.
You don't have to spend memoney.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
So, you know, you're welcome.
I'm gonna start with that.
You're welcome.
If you want to win, plan, plan acoffee day.
If your wife doesn't likecoffee, go get her a glass of
wine, whatever it may be.
SPEAKER_01 (37:33):
Or hot chocolate.
SPEAKER_03 (37:34):
Yeah, hot chocolate, and just sit down and and ask
her that one question.
Hey, I love you, and how can Ibetter serve you?
Ask that question and then spendthe next 30 to 40 minutes just
talking about it.
SPEAKER_01 (37:51):
Ladies, after you answer that question, then you
ask the same one and you have tobe willing to hear it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (37:58):
That's the thing.
SPEAKER_03 (37:59):
Yeah, and that's uh just ask the question and see
what happens.
Just start the conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (38:05):
If you burned your ships when you got married, then
you should want to hear whateach other has to say.
SPEAKER_02 (38:11):
Well, when if you burn your ships, it means the
two are one.
Therefore, anything you do toinvest in your spouse is
investing in you as well.
And both should have thatmindset because you're investing
in you together as a collective,one unit.
SPEAKER_03 (38:25):
That's true.
Wow.
That's good stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (38:29):
It is.
SPEAKER_03 (38:30):
So I'm never gonna in premarital go, you should be
50-50 in marriage anymore.
SPEAKER_01 (38:35):
Don't ever say that again, honey.
SPEAKER_03 (38:36):
Yes, ma'am.
I'm kidding.
Thank you guys.
I just want to say thank youguys so much for joining us to
uh today and just listening.
Uh, thank you for sharing.
Uh, thank you for liking.
Please like, subscribe.
Uh, all the good stuff we'retrying to do we're trying to
grow.
We have some numbers we'retrying to hit.
Please share it.
Uh, hit the share button.
(38:57):
Uh, text us.
You can text us from um, I knowfrom Apple Podcasts and from
Spotify.
Yeah, you can just send us atext if there's something you
want to hear, something you wantus to talk about.
If you agree, disagree, whateverit may be, let us hear it.
Um, but thank you so much fortaking the time to to be a part
of our podcast.
And uh thanks for joining Bakersthen.
SPEAKER_04 (39:18):
Yeah, good dogs.
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