July 22, 2025 • 33 mins
The dance between loving our children and setting appropriate boundaries can be one of parenting's greatest challenges. This becomes even more complex when guilt enters the equation—whether from divorce, loss, or simply wanting to give our kids "better than we had."
Have you ever caught yourself saying yes when you should say no? Buying gifts to compensate for time apart? Working longer hours to afford opportunities while missing precious moments with your children? You're not alone. In this raw and honest conversation, we explore the hidden patterns of guilt-driven parenting that affect families of all kinds.
Jess shares her personal experience of "going bonkers with gifts" during the first Christmas after losing her husband, while Greg reflects on the challenging dynamics that emerge when divorced parents compete to be the "fun" one. We dive into the psychological impact these patterns have on children, who may temporarily enjoy getting everything they want but ultimately need the structure and resilience that comes from appropriate boundaries.
The hard truth? Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for our children is to let them struggle, to hear "no," and to learn that life requires effort. What looks like love in the moment might actually be setting our children up for failure later in life when the world doesn't bend to their every wish.
Whether you're in a blended family, a traditional family, or parenting solo, this conversation offers valuable insights on finding the balance between nurturing our children and preparing them for the real world. Remember: healthy parents raise healthy children—and sometimes that means doing the difficult work of examining our own motivations and patterns.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
If it's your first time here,welcome.
If it's your first time here,welcome.
This is a place where we justtalk about blended families,
relationships and a whole bunchof stuff in between, and so I
want to.
If you've been here since thebeginning, I mean I think this
is episode 22.
(00:37):
It is 22.
So 22 times that you'velistened to us.
If you've listened to me 22times, thank you, babe, for
fixing my shirt.
I just want to say thank you.
But wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab your drink,
your favorite drink, whatever itmay be, however your day's been
, and just metaphorically, pullup to the table with us and kind
(00:59):
of enjoy the conversation andjoin in as we jump into our
topic today, which is somethingthat is we've both experienced,
but I think everyone else canrelate to whether you're in a
blended family or whether you'rejust in a family with your
husband, wife and you're raisingkids.
Like it's kind of a crazy nuanceof things going on.
(01:22):
So we're going to talk aboutparenting, but we're talking
about the whole parenting out ofguilt, yes, and so this is
going to be one of those topicsthat could sting a little bit,
could be kind of aself-revelation of like ooh,
that's me.
Or maybe like, oh no, maybe I'mgetting that right.
So wherever you're at on thatspectrum, it's okay.
(01:42):
The whole idea for us tonightis to just talk about it.
Oh no, maybe I'm getting thatright.
So wherever you're at on thatspectrum, it's okay.
The whole idea for us tonightis to just talk about it.
Let's put it on the table andlet's just figure out how to
move forward.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Tonight's a little bit different.
We have a studio audience.
Oh yeah, we do have some folkssitting in tonight which is
going to be pretty fun.
We have our oldest son, Thomas.
His wife and little girl areout of town, so he's here and
his best friend, AJ and they'vebeen best friends since high
school, so he's kind of like anhonorary son.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Yeah, AJ's kind of part of the family.
We're like his second parentskind of thing.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I was tickled when we started.
I was laughing because AJ gotto clap us in.
It was a sad clap, but I'mproud of you for trying.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Man just slammed right off the get-go, bro.
Come on, we're still waiting onour movie, clapper thingy.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So we can do some stuff on it.
But, hey, your clap was fun,bro.
It was spot on.
Don't let them talk crap aboutyou, so let's get into parenting
.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Go for it.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
So in our last episode, in the unpack part I'm
checking my notes you know wetalked about a question about
how do you give your kids avoice and honor their
personality without giving themtoo much control?
Because the last episode,episode 21,.
We went back to the beginningof how we put all of this
(03:08):
together and it was a Cupsepisode, if you haven't heard it
yet.
But we wanted to involve thekids from the beginning and
build a family with them and notdo it to them.
Like you know, here we are.
Here's your new family.
They were involved from thebeginning.
So there was a line betweenokay, they're involved, but they
(03:30):
don't get to control what'sgoing on.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So for you I would love to, because I mean it's a
great question to think aboutand even to unpack as parents.
Like what does that mean togive your kid control?
Like when I say you get a wordbut you don't get control.
What does control mean to you?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I would say, when the parent makes choices so that
the kids are happy, all the timethat everything revolves around
the kids.
I mean there's times whenthat's appropriate, everything
revolves around the kids, right,I mean there's times when
that's appropriate.
But when the whole, when everydecision is made to keep the
kids happy, then I feel likethat's too much control.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Which is interesting because it feels like there's
been a huge dynamic shift in theway parents, parent, parent
parents, parents, parent, okay,regardless.
Like it feels like it's almostlike we ask the kids what do you
want to eat?
What do you want to go onvacation?
What do you want to do this?
What do you want to do withthat?
Like my parents never asked mewhere I want to go on vacation,
(04:35):
no, my mom.
Like it was like okay, you'rethe adult.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
You don't think they were being a bad parent for that
?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
No, Right, not for not allowing me to say where I
want to go eat.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
That wasn't like they didn't care what I wanted.
It was just like no, I'm payingfor the meal.
I'm going to pick where we goeat.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Yeah, I didn't get a whole lot of options either,
growing up, I mean, and when wewere raising our four they
didn't tell us what to do whenwe were eating, but we would ask
their opinion.
But, ultimately, if it was likeno, that's out of the budget,
so we're going to go somewhereelse.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
We were all about the budget.
Bless our hearts.
But yeah, it's interestingbecause our situations parenting
, um, like you, had trauma.
Um, there was a level of traumain my kids' lives or in my life
, um, yours was completelydifferent from mine, um, but
(05:36):
what happens?
So?
So many times and I've talkedto couples, I've talked to
individuals uh, when one ofthese things happen, you,
immediately and if I've had anickel for every time I've heard
this, I'd be rich was like well, all I'm going to do now is
just focus primarily on my kids.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I just want my kids to be happy.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, everything in my life now is just to make sure
they have what they need andmake sure they're happy.
And my follow-up they alwayssay that, especially in divorce,
it's always a I just want tomake sure my kids are happy and
they have everything they need.
Well, sometimes that's not whatwe think it is, but my
follow-up question to them isokay, well, what do you need?
(06:15):
What is it that you're lookingfor in that?
Why is that such a big deal?
Now, again, I am not saying, um,that's a bad thing.
I'm not even saying, um, youshouldn't do that.
I'm saying, if you get stuckthere and you've been there for
(06:36):
six months a year, whatever thatmay be, maybe it's time to
evaluate and go okay, why am Istill giving my kids absolutely
everything they want, absolutelyeverything they need?
If I want this, I'm going to dothat.
I want to take my kids on tripsI never would have taken them
on.
So it's like there's thissnowball of effective things
that happen because we feelguilty about the trauma that
(06:58):
they experienced.
Would you agree or disagree?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Okay, did you experience any of that?
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, I didn't necessarily feel guilty.
It was kind of like I feel badfor us and with Thomas this year
.
But the first Christmas afteryour dad passed away I went
bonkers with gifts.
Why, I didn't know why then.
(07:26):
But looking back, I was justtrying to overcompensate for the
loss and trying to, I guess,distract all of us the three of
us but our living room was halffull of just ridiculousness.
And he's nodding in agreement,which was great for you at nine,
you know, it was just like thegreatest thing ever, and your
(07:48):
sister at six.
But I was just like I.
When that memory, that photomemory, pops up on my social
media, I'm just like oh my gosh,jess, you just didn't even know
.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
So when did you, when did you realize or when did you
kind of or did you like?
Okay, maybe I'm saying yes toomuch, or maybe I'm doing too
much.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
I didn't realize it on my own.
I realized it throughcounseling.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
And learning how to be.
You know, get my feet backunder myself and be a healthy me
, which will help my kids behealthy themselves.
And they were in counseling atchurch too, which will help my
kids be healthy themselves.
And they were in counseling atchurch too.
I didn't look at it that way atfirst, but my counselor helped
me see it.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
What do you mean?
You didn't look at it that wayat first.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
When I was just doing too much for them and giving
and giving, and doing and giving, I didn't see that that was
ultimately going to be probablya negative thing.
It would just change theiroutlook on life and that's not
fair to them of oh well, whenI'm hurting, I get whatever I
want.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Right.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And that's just not life.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Yeah, I mean, I get it as a parent.
You want to make, like whenyour kid goes through something
like that, you want to kind oflessen the speed bumps or the
potholes.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
It's kind of like a Band-Aid.
I guess you know the trauma'sstill under it, but I guess I
felt like buying and giving andgiving and giving would be like
a Band-Aid for that.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
But, like I said, I didn't see it that way at first.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Because ultimately that came back to.
You felt that way.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
And so therefore you took that and kind of assumed
your kids felt that way too.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
I was like I'm just trying to make them smile and,
you know, help us have a youknow, quote, unquote good day.
It was like it's OK if everyday is not a good day, but I had
to learn that too.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yeah, so how long?
How long did that process take?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I was afraid you were going to ask me that.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I'm a good questioner .
That's what I do.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I would say probably.
I mean six or eight months.
It took me a while because Iimmediately, literally
immediately, maybe two weeksafter he passed away, I
immediately started incounseling.
So I mean, yeah, a good six oreight months in.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Well, I think it's.
This is something that everyparent deals with.
Yeah, and I think we all, wedon't, we don't talk about it
much.
No, Because we always.
And the way we always coverthis, which I always think is
pretty interesting, is youalways say well, I want my kids
to have a better life than I did, and so, therefore, dads will
(10:26):
work harder than they've everworked.
They'll sacrifice their timewith their families because it's
like well, I want my kids tohave more than I have.
Well, what if your kids justwant you?
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, what if they just want time?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
with you, like when I say parenting out of guilt,
sometimes we do those things.
We work so hard um, because mykid needs to play on this team,
or my kid needs to be a part ofthis activity, or my kid needs
to be a part of that, and so wework extra hours, we give that
time away from those people justso we can give them that thing.
But who's to say?
(10:59):
That thing is exactly what theyneed.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Like they're a child.
So it's like how do we?
It's just crazy balance that'sgoing on to say I want to give
my kids what they need but atthe same time, I don't need to
give my kids everything theyneed Would you agree I would.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
So we talked about how I kind of overcompensated
and parented from guilt.
Did you do that Ah?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
man.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
After you got divorced and figuring out how to
be a single dad.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
There were things I felt a lot of guilt, but it
wasn't for what I wasn'tproviding my kids, I guess.
I mean I was broke.
I mean I was broke at the timeI won't say broke Money was
really, I guess I mean I wasbroke.
I mean I had.
I was broke um, at the time,like it wasn't, it was I won't
say broke Money was reallyreally tight.
But there's the simple things,like I didn't know how to put
(11:52):
Callie's hair in a ponytailRight, and the weeks I had her I
was like I felt guilty as a dad, like I should know how to put
her hair in a ponytail, like Ishould know.
But you figured it out, I did.
And it's funny because nowthere's a TikTok channel where
it's about these dads helpinggirls fix their daughters, fix
their hair.
And that may sound crazy tosome of you, but even for me,
(12:13):
where I was at in that situation, I was like, dude, I could have
really benefited from that,like I could do all the help I
needed because I had no ideawhat I was doing.
I didn't feel guilt about Ineed to give them more, do more.
I felt guilt for like I shouldbe doing more, like you should
(12:34):
be doing these things If Iwasn't saying, oh, my kids are
everything to me, like they'reabsolutely like everything.
I should feel guilty for that.
Then my kids are everything tome, they're absolutely
everything.
I should feel guilty for that.
No, my kids were.
When I had my kids, they weremy priority.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yeah, you, at that point you had already been on
kind of a personal journey ofmaking yourself and your mental
health and making yourself apriority, not in a ugly way of
just like no, I'm worth this,I'm worth working on myself.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, I think I realized early on because I am a
I am a dude, I don't know thebest way to say it other than
it's just a it was a mess.
And so, knowing that, I waslike if I don't do something
then I'm not going to be anygood to anybody.
And so there was a part of methat says, okay, I want to be
(13:30):
the healthiest version of myselfso that I can be that for my
kids.
So that was probably a coupleof steps.
Was it flawless?
Absolutely not.
Did I screw up A hundredpercent All the time?
Absolutely not.
Did I screw up A hundredpercent all the time?
But I didn't.
I didn't feel like I parentedout of guilt a whole bunch, but
it was just.
I felt that pressure.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Definitely felt the pressure of OK, so what else are
you going to do?
Because what happens in divorceand I'm not sure about, and I
know it's completely differentwhen you lose a spouse but in
divorce and I'm not sure about,and I know it's completely
different when you lose a spouse, but in divorce what happens is
someone was wronged, someonewronged somebody else in a
divorce, and that's the way theysee it.
It doesn't matter how you pinit.
(14:12):
Somebody was like you did mewrong.
Blah, blah, blah.
We're getting divorced, butthen, all of a sudden, the one
who felt like they were donewrong wants to get even with the
one who did them wrong as aparent, yeah, and so, therefore,
they start overcompensatingwith stuff with the kids, so
they start giving you more stuff, doing more things.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
But then that kind of turns into the situation of the
fun parent versus theresponsible parent.
Yeah, I don't know ifresponsible is the right way,
but level-headed, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yeah, I don't know about the term.
Yeah, I agree, I don't know ifit's a, but there's always a fun
parent who gives them whateverthey want whenever they want it,
all the time, and there's theother one who doesn't like that.
That's pretty much in everydivorced relationship of how it
is, and so it's almost evencomes down to like how do you
(15:07):
use your phone?
When do you get to use yourphone?
When do you do that?
When do you not do that?
When do you go to bed?
When do you not go to yourphone?
When do you do that?
When do you not do that?
When do you go to bed?
When do you not go to bed?
It's just so many things thatare involved in that, and it's
like, if you're the good parent,it's like we do whatever you
want to do.
Yeah, when you're here, we'llgo and do whatever you want to
do.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Don't you think that puts pressure on the kids?
When they get full reign theyprobably think it's awesome at
that point Of course it does.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I mean not even a kid .
But what adult Wouldn't youlove for someone to just be like
?
Everything you wanted, you got.
Oh, I want to go do this.
I want to go to my favoriterestaurant, I want to go to that
.
Okay, done, sold, got it.
It's like, of course, we would.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I mean, we're humans.
Every decision is just what ison you.
When you're little, you're like, yeah, I'm going to Chick-fil-A
every day if I want to, orwhatever.
But as you get older, it's like, wait a minute, everything is
on me.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
There is that kind of pressurethat's put on a kid almost to be
like you're picking thosethings, you're deciding those
things.
I mean we can get into thatwhole idea too, like you let
kids pick your.
I mean, sometimes there'sparents who let their children
decide their schedule, liketheir summer schedule, like
(16:25):
we're in the middle of July here, and so there's a lot of
parents who have spent theirentire summer on travel league,
ball and a ton of money becausetheir kid said I want to play
volleyball.
And so you dump your wallet andyou dump your time into
volleyball, which next year maynot even be a thing, right.
So it's like when I think aboutyou're saying giving your kid
(16:46):
control, or like giving them avoice but not giving them
control, like navigating, thatis one of those things that you
have to figure out as a parent.
To go is it, is it worth?
Like, okay, I've spent fifteenthousand dollars for volleyball,
well, they're going to get ascholarship to college, um, but
I've only spent 60 grand onhelping them and travel ball.
(17:09):
It's like, okay, cool, that's a, that's a pretty good college
you could pay for, right, um,but we don't talk about those
things because we say no, no, no, I want to give my kid
everything I didn't have.
I want to give my kidopportunities I didn't have, and
therefore we let all thosethings go as a result of that,
and in a blended family it'sjust more prevalent, because
it's like oh, I'm going to bethe good.
(17:31):
Well, if your dad or your momwon't pay for it, I'll pay for
it If that's what you want to do, and then therefore, you become
the good cop, the other parentsthe bad cop.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
That's exactly what I was about to say.
It turns into a good cop badcop situation.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And it sucks if you're the bad cop.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It does suck yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
It's not always fun.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Not even just a blended family and like a
traditional or core family likethat happens too, yeah, and
families who have notexperienced a trauma like this
of being good cop versus bad cop.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Because even in core families, you see moms and dads
who are trying to live out theirsports dreams through their
kids and it's like, dear Lord,give this kid a little slack,
cut some pressure off.
It's like you do so much thatyou put so much pressure on your
kid.
You're living through them.
It's like, no, let them be kids, let them have fun, let them
(18:28):
play and also, too, haveboundaries for them to say no,
no, no, we're not going to dothat all the time, it's okay to
say that it's okay to have thosemoments and not saying yes all
the time and showering withgifts and buying them whatever
they want.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
That's just not realistic.
That's setting them up forfailure at some point.
I think I said that a littlebit ago.
But if you're just giving themand giving, giving, giving,
giving, give, you're notteaching them what life is.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
So it's a.
I mean, when we talk about this, this is a.
You got to have either a long,a long view of this or a short
view of this.
The short view is I want to bethe parent who wins.
I want to be the parent who'slike you love the most and you
hate the other guy who didwhatever, or girl who did
whatever, blah, blah, blah.
So I want to be that goodperson.
That's the short version of it.
(19:17):
The long version is what areyou doing to your kid, like,
what are you teaching your childor your kid that's living with
you A life?
Because that's not life.
Life just doesn't work.
That way.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I'm not saying make your child's life as hard as you
possibly can, but it's okay toteach them what a struggle is.
I mean, when you're seven, astruggle might be.
Well, you have to do yourchores this week so you get your
allowance.
Your chore might be taking thegarbage out, but if you don't do
that, you're not going to getyour allowance.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Man.
The chore that everyone hatedat our house was scooping the
poop out of the backyard.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Well, wouldn't you hate that?
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I, the chore that everyone hated at our house was
scooping the poop out of thebackyard.
Well, wouldn't you hate that?
I didn't hate it, no, but Imean out of all the other ones.
Like everyone hated that chore.
Yeah, that was the worst one,like no one wanted it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
No.
So, I mean it's okay to allowyour kid to struggle.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I think that's the problem sometimes and speaking
from a dad's point of view islike we want to give our kids
better lives, so therefore wegive them nicer things, or we
give them things, but also too,if we're not careful, we
eliminate the struggle for themto say, hey, you want that new
gaming console.
Then go to work and figure outhow to make money and save up
(20:29):
and buy that, as opposed to mejust giving it to you, because
when I give it to it doesn'treally mean anything until you
have something invested intothat.
So figuring out what that lookslike and how that works Because
when you do and you steal thatstruggle from your kid, you're
stealing something that buildsin them for life.
Yeah, like that's somethingthey have to work through.
(20:49):
That's something they had to bea part of.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, so you have to be okay not being the hero all
the time.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Yeah, which sucks.
That's not fun.
That's not fun at all.
No, it's not so.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I mean, it's just like teaching them that
temporary satisfaction.
I want this.
Okay, here you go.
You're not teaching them how tothat long-term growth.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Well, I mean nothing in society does that right now.
No, like everything.
Your TikTok, your Instagramreels, your YouTube channels
everything doesn't gear towardthat.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
No, when we were planning this episode, producer
Michael had a good analogy.
He's like it's kind of likewhen you're going to the gym and
you know, you're like, oh, it'seasy to lift these five-pound
weights, I'm just going to keepdoing that because it's easy.
I came to the gym Check, I didit.
But you're going to see thegrowth when you have to lift
something that's a little bitheavier or it's a little bit
(21:45):
harder work, because the hurtquote unquote is good for you in
the long run because you had towork for it.
Right, it's not just oh, check,I have that thing, it's no, I
actually had to accomplish that.
So when you try to do theparenting out of guilt and
you're just bending overbackwards for your kid, you
really are stealing that pride.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And I know, as an adult or as a parent, that's
hard to hear it is.
And it's hard to see your kidsstruggle.
Yeah, I get that, but also, too, knowing that that's a huge
part of growth.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
It is Like you've got to have that struggle, yeah.
So maybe kind of headingtowards the unpacked part.
But what if you're listening tothis or you know you've kind of
heard it already and you'rekind of dwelling on it and you
realize, oh, what if I am thatparent?
What now?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's an interesting thought.
You know, this is really random.
Oh boy, I like to pride myselfon being self-aware on who I am
and how, but I got hooked onetime on this show, hoarders and
if you've never seen hoarders,it was on TLC.
It was this weird show and Idon't know why I got hooked on
(23:01):
it.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
It's really you couldn't stop watching it.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
No, and it was like um, these people were just like
I mean just hoarding, hoarding,hoarding, but it all if they,
they trace it all back and itwas this trauma that happened in
their lives.
But then it was not just thatperson, it was the people around
him.
No, it wasn't, it wasn't, itwasn't.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Oh, you're talking about intervention, intervention
, but you did get stuck onhoarders.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
I did after intervention, but I'm so.
I was just.
I see a pattern forming here.
So, yeah, um, so it wasintervention.
Man, I'm watching interventionbecause it was like someone's
had a drug addiction and I dealtwith those addiction issues in
the past and some of thosethings in my life.
And I'm watching this show andthey have that intervention
(23:48):
where the family comes around,they're talking to the family
and then these people were like,uh, basically like all you are
is an enabler, you're enablinghim to act this way, you're
enabling this behavior, you'reenabling this.
And that's when I realized thatmy life, at that point, I'm
watching this intervention and Iwas like I'm an enabler and I
(24:10):
was like that's me, that's whatI do, like I enable the behavior
of those people in my life.
And I was like it was thatweird kind of revelation moment
from watching Intervention,which is the saddest freaking
show on TV.
It's heartbreaking Because I sorelate to those people and I
(24:33):
can see them, but it's almostthe same sense of being like
anyway, I'm not going to get onany intervention.
So I just found myself on asidetrack.
But the whole idea was is thatI was able to slow down for a
second and find myself in thosepeople.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
So you may be listening to this, it may be in
the morning, it may be on yourdrive, it may be wherever, and
you'll be listening to this.
It may be in the morning, youmay be on your drive, it may be
wherever, and you'll be like I'mthe parent who always wants to
win.
I want to be the good parent.
I want to be the one who alwaysis looked at in a good way yeah
, maybe, and I'm the oneenabling behavior.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
It's hard to step back and take a look at yourself
and think you know, and take alook at yourself and think you
know, and it may hurt toactually realize that this is
you.
Yeah, that's never a fun placeno.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
But it's also a very helpful place.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
It is.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
To go okay, that's where I'm at, that's who I am.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, Because you might think you're doing the
right thing for your child bydoing all the things that we've
been talking about, but, like wetouched on a little bit, is
you're crippling them in thelong run because as soon as they
leave your nest, whether it beto college or straight into the
adult world, when they're outthere trying to figure out, well
(25:46):
, why is this not working for me?
Well, it's because you're usedto having everything handed to
you and yeah.
And you don't know what it feelslike to have to want something.
And there's a fine line betweenallowing your kid to struggle
and making it hard for them.
We're not proponents of makinglife difficult for your child,
but it's okay for them to haveto hear no.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
It's always interesting.
I feel this weird place and maybe man there, may be people
listen this and I may catch crapfor it, but I always find it
interesting when I pull up intoa high school and I see 16, 17
year old kids getting out of 50,60 thousand dollar cars and I'm
just like man.
What are you saying?
(26:30):
Yeah, like, just because youlike I can't.
I worked hard, I've earned thatmoney.
I'm like okay, but just becauseyou can, does that mean you?
should yeah like that's, it'sjust, it's an interesting place.
Like just because I can do thatdoesn't mean I should do that.
So it's like a yeah, it's, it'sa hard place it really is a.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
It's hard to keep the long game in view when you're
in the short game portion.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Well, because if I'm reality and I want to, if I give
you one thing to walk away fromthis podcast for me I would be
thinking about if you want to be, if you want your kids to be
the best they can be, then bethe best version of yourself.
Yeah, be the healthiest, bestversion of yourself in order for
(27:19):
your kids Emotionally, mentally, physically, wherever you're at
, own your crap.
Know what you're good at, knowwhat you're bad at all those
things.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Because Unhealthy people make unhealthy choices
and a lot of the time anunhealthy person is an unhealthy
parent, because you don't havethe right lenses on for life.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Well, because I mean, it's the old additive the hurt
people hurt people, yeah, andit's just what we do.
It's like when we're unhealthy.
That's what we're going toportray, that's what we're going
to put out.
So it's like where you're at.
If you've just come throughthat or you're just in that,
take a moment, take a deepbreath, self-evaluate and say is
(28:02):
this me?
Is this where I'm at?
Do I need to make some changes?
It's okay to say I want my kidsto feel loved, I want my kids
to feel accepted.
I want them to know that I'mhere for them.
But saying yes to absolutelyeverything is not the answer to
that.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
To put my teacher hat on real quick.
Kids need boundaries.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
In the classroom and in life.
They crave it, even thoughthey're going to tell you they
don't want it.
Kids need boundaries, they needconsistency, but parents do too
.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, I agree, I think everybody needs boundaries
.
Yeah, so let's unpack.
What do we want to jump intounpacking?
Speaker 2 (28:38):
I mean, I feel like we just kind of did so where?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
we got started.
Yeah, you want to start us anddo we do all?
We already did oh we did ourunpack, okay, well, interesting,
yeah, so I don't have notes infront of me.
So for you guys, jess has allthe notes, all the good stuff.
So this is one of those topicswe literally could talk for two
hours.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
We could talk it to death, but just like anything
else, I get sick and tired ofwatching YouTube when they say
the same thing.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
50 times Over and over and over.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
It's like please shut your mouth and move on.
So taking that into—.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Like a self-reflect moment.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
On your own, yeah, and it's okay to self-reflect
and think, okay, this is whatI'm thinking, but then go to
your spouse or a close friend orsomebody that's in your life
that you can say, okay, Ilistened to this, this is what
I'm thinking about and I'mreflecting.
Here's what I see.
Is this what you see?
And it may hurt, it may be kindof hard to hear what they say
(29:43):
back.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
You have to make sure you ask the right person
Self-reflecting versus lookingfor intervision from someone.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Those are different things, and looking for
affirmation, those are differentthings too.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Yeah, like most of the time we're looking for
someone to just agree with usand say you are so right, oh my
gosh, you're so right.
But in reality we need someoneto go oh yeah, that's you A
hundred percent, you do that.
I mean, there's things about methat you've told me yeah, oh,
you do that.
And I'm like, really I do, Ihad no idea I did that.
(30:13):
So it's having someone who youcan ask.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
That's going to give you an honest answer.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
But also to journal, like write some things down,
like my phone always asked me,because I started trying to
journal more in my phone andfreaking iPhone now all of a
sudden says, hey, you want towrite something?
No, actually.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I don't Thanks for asking, but it's OK to write out
, like at the end of the day.
Just write out some thoughts,some things that happened at the
beginning of the day, becauseyou're going to get life is
crazy, it's chaotic.
Write those things down andjust kind of see if you look at
it and be honest.
The hardest thing forself-reflection is being honest.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Being honest with yourself, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
If you can do this and be honest about who you are
like, what am I after, what do Iwant to do and what am I doing
to get there and be like, okay,I'm doing great, or I suck at
that and it's okay to.
Really, I think it's better tosay I suck at it because we can
say, okay, what changes do Ineed to make?
And you make the changes andyou move on, you move forward.
(31:13):
That's what baggage claim isabout.
Unpack your bags and then claimyour stuff Like that's my stuff
, that's my crap and I own it.
And yeah, I do that.
I'm an enabler.
Or I give my kids everythingthey want because I want them to
have better, but at the sametime, it's like that's not
better for my kids.
Own your crap.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah, make sure you're parenting out of the
right intention.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Yeah, and so today's, today's, tonight's, today, the
night's, whatever it may be, isa little shorter than normal,
and our crowd is gettingrestless.
Their drinks have run out.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
our studio audience is digging back into the coolers
again, so that's a good timefor us just to say take this
moment to say thank you forjoining us on Package Claim and
we look forward to you coming tothe next episode with us hey,
make sure to like share episodewith us.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Hey, make sure to like share, subscribe, wherever
it is you're at.
Hey, just say we don't say itenough, but thank you for
listening.
It's just crazy to me 125different cities, six different
countries, all over the place.
People are listening, whichtells me people are looking for
some answers and looking forsome help.
Reach out to us on our socials.
(32:25):
If you want to try to catch us,follow us on those.
Dm us.
You can text us straight fromthe app if you're listening to
Spotify, apple Podcasts,whatever it may be, and so make
sure to reach out to us.
This is a community, so you gotto talk back, not just us talk
to you.
So thank you, guys forlistening and we're going to go
(32:46):
hit the cooler with the otherboys.
Adios.
Hey guys, what's up?
I'm Greg.
I hope you guys are ready tounpack and get into some good
conversations today.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
And I'm Jess, and this is our podcast Baggage
Claim.
Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
What's up everybody?
Welcome to Baggage Claim.
If it's your first time here,welcome.
If it's your first time here,welcome.
This is a place where we justtalk about blended families,
relationships and a whole bunchof stuff in between, and so I
want to.
If you've been here since thebeginning, I mean I think this
is episode 22.
(00:37):
It is 22.
So 22 times that you'velistened to us.
If you've listened to me 22times, thank you, babe, for
fixing my shirt.
I just want to say thank you.
But wherever you're at, whateveryou're doing, grab your drink,
your favorite drink, whatever itmay be, however your day's been
, and just metaphorically, pullup to the table with us and kind
(00:59):
of enjoy the conversation andjoin in as we jump into our
topic today, which is somethingthat is we've both experienced,
but I think everyone else canrelate to whether you're in a
blended family or whether you'rejust in a family with your
husband, wife and you're raisingkids.
Like it's kind of a crazy nuanceof things going on.
(01:22):
So we're going to talk aboutparenting, but we're talking
about the whole parenting out ofguilt, yes, and so this is
going to be one of those topicsthat could sting a little bit,
could be kind of aself-revelation of like ooh,
that's me.
Or maybe like, oh no, maybe I'mgetting that right.
So wherever you're at on thatspectrum, it's okay.
(01:42):
The whole idea for us tonightis to just talk about it.
Oh no, maybe I'm getting thatright.
So wherever you're at on thatspectrum, it's okay.
The whole idea for us tonightis to just talk about it.
Let's put it on the table andlet's just figure out how to
move forward.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Tonight's a little bit different.
We have a studio audience.
Oh yeah, we do have some folkssitting in tonight which is
going to be pretty fun.
We have our oldest son, Thomas.
His wife and little girl areout of town, so he's here and
his best friend, AJ and they'vebeen best friends since high
school, so he's kind of like anhonorary son.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Yeah, AJ's kind of part of the family.
We're like his second parentskind of thing.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
I was tickled when we started.
I was laughing because AJ gotto clap us in.
It was a sad clap, but I'mproud of you for trying.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Man just slammed right off the get-go, bro.
Come on, we're still waiting onour movie, clapper thingy.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
So we can do some stuff on it.
But, hey, your clap was fun,bro.
It was spot on.
Don't let them talk crap aboutyou, so let's get into parenting
.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Let's do it.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Go for it.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
So in our last episode, in the unpack part I'm
checking my notes you know wetalked about a question about
how do you give your kids avoice and honor their
personality without giving themtoo much control?
Because the last episode,episode 21,.
We went back to the beginningof how we put all of this
(03:08):
together and it was a Cupsepisode, if you haven't heard it
yet.
But we wanted to involve thekids from the beginning and
build a family with them and notdo it to them.
Like you know, here we are.
Here's your new family.
They were involved from thebeginning.
So there was a line betweenokay, they're involved, but they
(03:30):
don't get to control what'sgoing on.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
So for you I would love to, because I mean it's a
great question to think aboutand even to unpack as parents.
Like what does that mean togive your kid control?
Like when I say you get a wordbut you don't get control.
What does control mean to you?
Speaker 2 (03:51):
I would say, when the parent makes choices so that
the kids are happy, all the timethat everything revolves around
the kids.
I mean there's times whenthat's appropriate, everything
revolves around the kids, right,I mean there's times when
that's appropriate.
But when the whole, when everydecision is made to keep the
kids happy, then I feel likethat's too much control.
Speaker 1 (04:12):
Which is interesting because it feels like there's
been a huge dynamic shift in theway parents, parent, parent
parents, parents, parent, okay,regardless.
Like it feels like it's almostlike we ask the kids what do you
want to eat?
What do you want to go onvacation?
What do you want to do this?
What do you want to do withthat?
Like my parents never asked mewhere I want to go on vacation,
(04:35):
no, my mom.
Like it was like okay, you'rethe adult.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
You don't think they were being a bad parent for that
?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
No, Right, not for not allowing me to say where I
want to go eat.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
That wasn't like they didn't care what I wanted.
It was just like no, I'm payingfor the meal.
I'm going to pick where we goeat.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Yeah, I didn't get a whole lot of options either,
growing up, I mean, and when wewere raising our four they
didn't tell us what to do whenwe were eating, but we would ask
their opinion.
But, ultimately, if it was likeno, that's out of the budget,
so we're going to go somewhereelse.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
We were all about the budget.
Bless our hearts.
But yeah, it's interestingbecause our situations parenting
, um, like you, had trauma.
Um, there was a level of traumain my kids' lives or in my life
, um, yours was completelydifferent from mine, um, but
(05:36):
what happens?
So?
So many times and I've talkedto couples, I've talked to
individuals uh, when one ofthese things happen, you,
immediately and if I've had anickel for every time I've heard
this, I'd be rich was like well, all I'm going to do now is
just focus primarily on my kids.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I just want my kids to be happy.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Yeah, everything in my life now is just to make sure
they have what they need andmake sure they're happy.
And my follow-up they alwayssay that, especially in divorce,
it's always a I just want tomake sure my kids are happy and
they have everything they need.
Well, sometimes that's not whatwe think it is, but my
follow-up question to them isokay, well, what do you need?
(06:15):
What is it that you're lookingfor in that?
Why is that such a big deal?
Now, again, I am not saying, um,that's a bad thing.
I'm not even saying, um, youshouldn't do that.
I'm saying, if you get stuckthere and you've been there for
(06:36):
six months a year, whatever thatmay be, maybe it's time to
evaluate and go okay, why am Istill giving my kids absolutely
everything they want, absolutelyeverything they need?
If I want this, I'm going to dothat.
I want to take my kids on tripsI never would have taken them
on.
So it's like there's thissnowball of effective things
that happen because we feelguilty about the trauma that
(06:58):
they experienced.
Would you agree or disagree?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Okay, did you experience any of that?
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, I didn't necessarily feel guilty.
It was kind of like I feel badfor us and with Thomas this year
.
But the first Christmas afteryour dad passed away I went
bonkers with gifts.
Why, I didn't know why then.
(07:26):
But looking back, I was justtrying to overcompensate for the
loss and trying to, I guess,distract all of us the three of
us but our living room was halffull of just ridiculousness.
And he's nodding in agreement,which was great for you at nine,
you know, it was just like thegreatest thing ever, and your
(07:48):
sister at six.
But I was just like I.
When that memory, that photomemory, pops up on my social
media, I'm just like oh my gosh,jess, you just didn't even know
.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
So when did you, when did you realize or when did you
kind of or did you like?
Okay, maybe I'm saying yes toomuch, or maybe I'm doing too
much.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
I didn't realize it on my own.
I realized it throughcounseling.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
And learning how to be.
You know, get my feet backunder myself and be a healthy me
, which will help my kids behealthy themselves.
And they were in counseling atchurch too, which will help my
kids be healthy themselves.
And they were in counseling atchurch too.
I didn't look at it that way atfirst, but my counselor helped
me see it.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
What do you mean?
You didn't look at it that wayat first.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
When I was just doing too much for them and giving
and giving, and doing and giving, I didn't see that that was
ultimately going to be probablya negative thing.
It would just change theiroutlook on life and that's not
fair to them of oh well, whenI'm hurting, I get whatever I
want.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Right.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
And that's just not life.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Yeah, I mean, I get it as a parent.
You want to make, like whenyour kid goes through something
like that, you want to kind oflessen the speed bumps or the
potholes.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
It's kind of like a Band-Aid.
I guess you know the trauma'sstill under it, but I guess I
felt like buying and giving andgiving and giving would be like
a Band-Aid for that.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
But, like I said, I didn't see it that way at first.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Because ultimately that came back to.
You felt that way.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
And so therefore you took that and kind of assumed
your kids felt that way too.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
I was like I'm just trying to make them smile and,
you know, help us have a youknow, quote, unquote good day.
It was like it's OK if everyday is not a good day, but I had
to learn that too.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Yeah, so how long?
How long did that process take?
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I was afraid you were going to ask me that.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
I'm a good questioner .
That's what I do.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
I would say probably.
I mean six or eight months.
It took me a while because Iimmediately, literally
immediately, maybe two weeksafter he passed away, I
immediately started incounseling.
So I mean, yeah, a good six oreight months in.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Well, I think it's.
This is something that everyparent deals with.
Yeah, and I think we all, wedon't, we don't talk about it
much.
No, Because we always.
And the way we always coverthis, which I always think is
pretty interesting, is youalways say well, I want my kids
to have a better life than I did, and so, therefore, dads will
(10:26):
work harder than they've everworked.
They'll sacrifice their timewith their families because it's
like well, I want my kids tohave more than I have.
Well, what if your kids justwant you?
Speaker 2 (10:36):
Yeah, what if they just want time?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
with you, like when I say parenting out of guilt,
sometimes we do those things.
We work so hard um, because mykid needs to play on this team,
or my kid needs to be a part ofthis activity, or my kid needs
to be a part of that, and so wework extra hours, we give that
time away from those people justso we can give them that thing.
But who's to say?
(10:59):
That thing is exactly what theyneed.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Right.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Like they're a child.
So it's like how do we?
It's just crazy balance that'sgoing on to say I want to give
my kids what they need but atthe same time, I don't need to
give my kids everything theyneed Would you agree I would.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
So we talked about how I kind of overcompensated
and parented from guilt.
Did you do that Ah?
Speaker 1 (11:24):
man.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
After you got divorced and figuring out how to
be a single dad.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
There were things I felt a lot of guilt, but it
wasn't for what I wasn'tproviding my kids, I guess.
I mean I was broke.
I mean I was broke at the timeI won't say broke Money was
really, I guess I mean I wasbroke.
I mean I had.
I was broke um, at the time,like it wasn't, it was I won't
say broke Money was reallyreally tight.
But there's the simple things,like I didn't know how to put
(11:52):
Callie's hair in a ponytailRight, and the weeks I had her I
was like I felt guilty as a dad, like I should know how to put
her hair in a ponytail, like Ishould know.
But you figured it out, I did.
And it's funny because nowthere's a TikTok channel where
it's about these dads helpinggirls fix their daughters, fix
their hair.
And that may sound crazy tosome of you, but even for me,
(12:13):
where I was at in that situation, I was like, dude, I could have
really benefited from that,like I could do all the help I
needed because I had no ideawhat I was doing.
I didn't feel guilt about Ineed to give them more, do more.
I felt guilt for like I shouldbe doing more, like you should
(12:34):
be doing these things If Iwasn't saying, oh, my kids are
everything to me, like they'reabsolutely like everything.
I should feel guilty for that.
Then my kids are everything tome, they're absolutely
everything.
I should feel guilty for that.
No, my kids were.
When I had my kids, they weremy priority.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Yeah, you, at that point you had already been on
kind of a personal journey ofmaking yourself and your mental
health and making yourself apriority, not in a ugly way of
just like no, I'm worth this,I'm worth working on myself.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, I think I realized early on because I am a
I am a dude, I don't know thebest way to say it other than
it's just a it was a mess.
And so, knowing that, I waslike if I don't do something
then I'm not going to be anygood to anybody.
And so there was a part of methat says, okay, I want to be
(13:30):
the healthiest version of myselfso that I can be that for my
kids.
So that was probably a coupleof steps.
Was it flawless?
Absolutely not.
Did I screw up A hundredpercent All the time?
Absolutely not.
Did I screw up A hundredpercent all the time?
But I didn't.
I didn't feel like I parentedout of guilt a whole bunch, but
it was just.
I felt that pressure.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Definitely felt the pressure of OK, so what else are
you going to do?
Because what happens in divorceand I'm not sure about, and I
know it's completely differentwhen you lose a spouse but in
divorce and I'm not sure about,and I know it's completely
different when you lose a spouse, but in divorce what happens is
someone was wronged, someonewronged somebody else in a
divorce, and that's the way theysee it.
It doesn't matter how you pinit.
(14:12):
Somebody was like you did mewrong.
Blah, blah, blah.
We're getting divorced, butthen, all of a sudden, the one
who felt like they were donewrong wants to get even with the
one who did them wrong as aparent, yeah, and so, therefore,
they start overcompensatingwith stuff with the kids, so
they start giving you more stuff, doing more things.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
But then that kind of turns into the situation of the
fun parent versus theresponsible parent.
Yeah, I don't know ifresponsible is the right way,
but level-headed, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yeah, I don't know about the term.
Yeah, I agree, I don't know ifit's a, but there's always a fun
parent who gives them whateverthey want whenever they want it,
all the time, and there's theother one who doesn't like that.
That's pretty much in everydivorced relationship of how it
is, and so it's almost evencomes down to like how do you
(15:07):
use your phone?
When do you get to use yourphone?
When do you do that?
When do you not do that?
When do you go to bed?
When do you not go to yourphone?
When do you do that?
When do you not do that?
When do you go to bed?
When do you not go to bed?
It's just so many things thatare involved in that, and it's
like, if you're the good parent,it's like we do whatever you
want to do.
Yeah, when you're here, we'llgo and do whatever you want to
do.
Speaker 2 (15:23):
Don't you think that puts pressure on the kids?
When they get full reign theyprobably think it's awesome at
that point Of course it does.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
I mean not even a kid .
But what adult Wouldn't youlove for someone to just be like
?
Everything you wanted, you got.
Oh, I want to go do this.
I want to go to my favoriterestaurant, I want to go to that
.
Okay, done, sold, got it.
It's like, of course, we would.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I mean, we're humans.
Every decision is just what ison you.
When you're little, you're like, yeah, I'm going to Chick-fil-A
every day if I want to, orwhatever.
But as you get older, it's like, wait a minute, everything is
on me.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
There is that kind of pressurethat's put on a kid almost to be
like you're picking thosethings, you're deciding those
things.
I mean we can get into thatwhole idea too, like you let
kids pick your.
I mean, sometimes there'sparents who let their children
decide their schedule, liketheir summer schedule, like
(16:25):
we're in the middle of July here, and so there's a lot of
parents who have spent theirentire summer on travel league,
ball and a ton of money becausetheir kid said I want to play
volleyball.
And so you dump your wallet andyou dump your time into
volleyball, which next year maynot even be a thing, right.
So it's like when I think aboutyou're saying giving your kid
(16:46):
control, or like giving them avoice but not giving them
control, like navigating, thatis one of those things that you
have to figure out as a parent.
To go is it, is it worth?
Like, okay, I've spent fifteenthousand dollars for volleyball,
well, they're going to get ascholarship to college, um, but
I've only spent 60 grand onhelping them and travel ball.
(17:09):
It's like, okay, cool, that's a, that's a pretty good college
you could pay for, right, um,but we don't talk about those
things because we say no, no, no, I want to give my kid
everything I didn't have.
I want to give my kidopportunities I didn't have, and
therefore we let all thosethings go as a result of that,
and in a blended family it'sjust more prevalent, because
it's like oh, I'm going to bethe good.
(17:31):
Well, if your dad or your momwon't pay for it, I'll pay for
it If that's what you want to do, and then therefore, you become
the good cop, the other parentsthe bad cop.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
That's exactly what I was about to say.
It turns into a good cop badcop situation.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And it sucks if you're the bad cop.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
It does suck yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
It's not always fun.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Not even just a blended family and like a
traditional or core family likethat happens too, yeah, and
families who have notexperienced a trauma like this
of being good cop versus bad cop.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Because even in core families, you see moms and dads
who are trying to live out theirsports dreams through their
kids and it's like, dear Lord,give this kid a little slack,
cut some pressure off.
It's like you do so much thatyou put so much pressure on your
kid.
You're living through them.
It's like, no, let them be kids, let them have fun, let them
(18:28):
play and also, too, haveboundaries for them to say no,
no, no, we're not going to dothat all the time, it's okay to
say that it's okay to have thosemoments and not saying yes all
the time and showering withgifts and buying them whatever
they want.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
That's just not realistic.
That's setting them up forfailure at some point.
I think I said that a littlebit ago.
But if you're just giving themand giving, giving, giving,
giving, give, you're notteaching them what life is.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
So it's a.
I mean, when we talk about this, this is a.
You got to have either a long,a long view of this or a short
view of this.
The short view is I want to bethe parent who wins.
I want to be the parent who'slike you love the most and you
hate the other guy who didwhatever, or girl who did
whatever, blah, blah, blah.
So I want to be that goodperson.
That's the short version of it.
(19:17):
The long version is what areyou doing to your kid, like,
what are you teaching your childor your kid that's living with
you A life?
Because that's not life.
Life just doesn't work.
That way.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
I'm not saying make your child's life as hard as you
possibly can, but it's okay toteach them what a struggle is.
I mean, when you're seven, astruggle might be.
Well, you have to do yourchores this week so you get your
allowance.
Your chore might be taking thegarbage out, but if you don't do
that, you're not going to getyour allowance.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Man.
The chore that everyone hatedat our house was scooping the
poop out of the backyard.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Well, wouldn't you hate that?
Speaker 1 (19:53):
I, the chore that everyone hated at our house was
scooping the poop out of thebackyard.
Well, wouldn't you hate that?
I didn't hate it, no, but Imean out of all the other ones.
Like everyone hated that chore.
Yeah, that was the worst one,like no one wanted it.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
No.
So, I mean it's okay to allowyour kid to struggle.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I think that's the problem sometimes and speaking
from a dad's point of view islike we want to give our kids
better lives, so therefore wegive them nicer things, or we
give them things, but also too,if we're not careful, we
eliminate the struggle for themto say, hey, you want that new
gaming console.
Then go to work and figure outhow to make money and save up
(20:29):
and buy that, as opposed to mejust giving it to you, because
when I give it to it doesn'treally mean anything until you
have something invested intothat.
So figuring out what that lookslike and how that works Because
when you do and you steal thatstruggle from your kid, you're
stealing something that buildsin them for life.
Yeah, like that's somethingthey have to work through.
(20:49):
That's something they had to bea part of.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, so you have to be okay not being the hero all
the time.
Speaker 1 (20:55):
Yeah, which sucks.
That's not fun.
That's not fun at all.
No, it's not so.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I mean, it's just like teaching them that
temporary satisfaction.
I want this.
Okay, here you go.
You're not teaching them how tothat long-term growth.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Well, I mean nothing in society does that right now.
No, like everything.
Your TikTok, your Instagramreels, your YouTube channels
everything doesn't gear towardthat.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
No, when we were planning this episode, producer
Michael had a good analogy.
He's like it's kind of likewhen you're going to the gym and
you know, you're like, oh, it'seasy to lift these five-pound
weights, I'm just going to keepdoing that because it's easy.
I came to the gym Check, I didit.
But you're going to see thegrowth when you have to lift
something that's a little bitheavier or it's a little bit
(21:45):
harder work, because the hurtquote unquote is good for you in
the long run because you had towork for it.
Right, it's not just oh, check,I have that thing, it's no, I
actually had to accomplish that.
So when you try to do theparenting out of guilt and
you're just bending overbackwards for your kid, you
really are stealing that pride.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
And I know, as an adult or as a parent, that's
hard to hear it is.
And it's hard to see your kidsstruggle.
Yeah, I get that, but also, too, knowing that that's a huge
part of growth.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
It is Like you've got to have that struggle, yeah.
So maybe kind of headingtowards the unpacked part.
But what if you're listening tothis or you know you've kind of
heard it already and you'rekind of dwelling on it and you
realize, oh, what if I am thatparent?
What now?
Speaker 1 (22:41):
That's an interesting thought.
You know, this is really random.
Oh boy, I like to pride myselfon being self-aware on who I am
and how, but I got hooked onetime on this show, hoarders and
if you've never seen hoarders,it was on TLC.
It was this weird show and Idon't know why I got hooked on
(23:01):
it.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
It's really you couldn't stop watching it.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
No, and it was like um, these people were just like
I mean just hoarding, hoarding,hoarding, but it all if they,
they trace it all back and itwas this trauma that happened in
their lives.
But then it was not just thatperson, it was the people around
him.
No, it wasn't, it wasn't, itwasn't.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Oh, you're talking about intervention, intervention
, but you did get stuck onhoarders.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
I did after intervention, but I'm so.
I was just.
I see a pattern forming here.
So, yeah, um, so it wasintervention.
Man, I'm watching interventionbecause it was like someone's
had a drug addiction and I dealtwith those addiction issues in
the past and some of thosethings in my life.
And I'm watching this show andthey have that intervention
(23:48):
where the family comes around,they're talking to the family
and then these people were like,uh, basically like all you are
is an enabler, you're enablinghim to act this way, you're
enabling this behavior, you'reenabling this.
And that's when I realized thatmy life, at that point, I'm
watching this intervention and Iwas like I'm an enabler and I
(24:10):
was like that's me, that's whatI do, like I enable the behavior
of those people in my life.
And I was like it was thatweird kind of revelation moment
from watching Intervention,which is the saddest freaking
show on TV.
It's heartbreaking Because I sorelate to those people and I
(24:33):
can see them, but it's almostthe same sense of being like
anyway, I'm not going to get onany intervention.
So I just found myself on asidetrack.
But the whole idea was is thatI was able to slow down for a
second and find myself in thosepeople.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
So you may be listening to this, it may be in
the morning, it may be on yourdrive, it may be wherever, and
you'll be listening to this.
It may be in the morning, youmay be on your drive, it may be
wherever, and you'll be like I'mthe parent who always wants to
win.
I want to be the good parent.
I want to be the one who alwaysis looked at in a good way yeah
, maybe, and I'm the oneenabling behavior.
Speaker 2 (25:06):
It's hard to step back and take a look at yourself
and think you know, and take alook at yourself and think you
know, and it may hurt toactually realize that this is
you.
Yeah, that's never a fun placeno.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
But it's also a very helpful place.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
It is.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
To go okay, that's where I'm at, that's who I am.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, Because you might think you're doing the
right thing for your child bydoing all the things that we've
been talking about, but, like wetouched on a little bit, is
you're crippling them in thelong run because as soon as they
leave your nest, whether it beto college or straight into the
adult world, when they're outthere trying to figure out, well
(25:46):
, why is this not working for me?
Well, it's because you're usedto having everything handed to
you and yeah.
And you don't know what it feelslike to have to want something.
And there's a fine line betweenallowing your kid to struggle
and making it hard for them.
We're not proponents of makinglife difficult for your child,
but it's okay for them to haveto hear no.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
It's always interesting.
I feel this weird place and maybe man there, may be people
listen this and I may catch crapfor it, but I always find it
interesting when I pull up intoa high school and I see 16, 17
year old kids getting out of 50,60 thousand dollar cars and I'm
just like man.
What are you saying?
(26:30):
Yeah, like, just because youlike I can't.
I worked hard, I've earned thatmoney.
I'm like okay, but just becauseyou can, does that mean you?
should yeah like that's, it'sjust, it's an interesting place.
Like just because I can do thatdoesn't mean I should do that.
So it's like a yeah, it's, it'sa hard place it really is a.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
It's hard to keep the long game in view when you're
in the short game portion.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
Well, because if I'm reality and I want to, if I give
you one thing to walk away fromthis podcast for me I would be
thinking about if you want to be, if you want your kids to be
the best they can be, then bethe best version of yourself.
Yeah, be the healthiest, bestversion of yourself in order for
(27:19):
your kids Emotionally, mentally, physically, wherever you're at
, own your crap.
Know what you're good at, knowwhat you're bad at all those
things.
Speaker 2 (27:27):
Because Unhealthy people make unhealthy choices
and a lot of the time anunhealthy person is an unhealthy
parent, because you don't havethe right lenses on for life.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Well, because I mean, it's the old additive the hurt
people hurt people, yeah, andit's just what we do.
It's like when we're unhealthy.
That's what we're going toportray, that's what we're going
to put out.
So it's like where you're at.
If you've just come throughthat or you're just in that,
take a moment, take a deepbreath, self-evaluate and say is
(28:02):
this me?
Is this where I'm at?
Do I need to make some changes?
It's okay to say I want my kidsto feel loved, I want my kids
to feel accepted.
I want them to know that I'mhere for them.
But saying yes to absolutelyeverything is not the answer to
that.
Speaker 2 (28:17):
To put my teacher hat on real quick.
Kids need boundaries.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
In the classroom and in life.
They crave it, even thoughthey're going to tell you they
don't want it.
Kids need boundaries, they needconsistency, but parents do too
.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah, I agree, I think everybody needs boundaries
.
Yeah, so let's unpack.
What do we want to jump intounpacking?
Speaker 2 (28:38):
I mean, I feel like we just kind of did so where?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
we got started.
Yeah, you want to start us anddo we do all?
We already did oh we did ourunpack, okay, well, interesting,
yeah, so I don't have notes infront of me.
So for you guys, jess has allthe notes, all the good stuff.
So this is one of those topicswe literally could talk for two
hours.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
We could talk it to death, but just like anything
else, I get sick and tired ofwatching YouTube when they say
the same thing.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
50 times Over and over and over.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
It's like please shut your mouth and move on.
So taking that into—.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Like a self-reflect moment.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
On your own, yeah, and it's okay to self-reflect
and think, okay, this is whatI'm thinking, but then go to
your spouse or a close friend orsomebody that's in your life
that you can say, okay, Ilistened to this, this is what
I'm thinking about and I'mreflecting.
Here's what I see.
Is this what you see?
And it may hurt, it may be kindof hard to hear what they say
(29:43):
back.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
You have to make sure you ask the right person
Self-reflecting versus lookingfor intervision from someone.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Those are different things, and looking for
affirmation, those are differentthings too.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
Yeah, like most of the time we're looking for
someone to just agree with usand say you are so right, oh my
gosh, you're so right.
But in reality we need someoneto go oh yeah, that's you A
hundred percent, you do that.
I mean, there's things about methat you've told me yeah, oh,
you do that.
And I'm like, really I do, Ihad no idea I did that.
(30:13):
So it's having someone who youcan ask.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
That's going to give you an honest answer.
Speaker 1 (30:18):
But also to journal, like write some things down,
like my phone always asked me,because I started trying to
journal more in my phone andfreaking iPhone now all of a
sudden says, hey, you want towrite something?
No, actually.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
I don't Thanks for asking, but it's OK to write out
, like at the end of the day.
Just write out some thoughts,some things that happened at the
beginning of the day, becauseyou're going to get life is
crazy, it's chaotic.
Write those things down andjust kind of see if you look at
it and be honest.
The hardest thing forself-reflection is being honest.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
Being honest with yourself, yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
If you can do this and be honest about who you are
like, what am I after, what do Iwant to do and what am I doing
to get there and be like, okay,I'm doing great, or I suck at
that and it's okay to.
Really, I think it's better tosay I suck at it because we can
say, okay, what changes do Ineed to make?
And you make the changes andyou move on, you move forward.
(31:13):
That's what baggage claim isabout.
Unpack your bags and then claimyour stuff Like that's my stuff
, that's my crap and I own it.
And yeah, I do that.
I'm an enabler.
Or I give my kids everythingthey want because I want them to
have better, but at the sametime, it's like that's not
better for my kids.
Own your crap.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
Yeah, make sure you're parenting out of the
right intention.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
Yeah, and so today's, today's, tonight's, today, the
night's, whatever it may be, isa little shorter than normal,
and our crowd is gettingrestless.
Their drinks have run out.
Speaker 2 (31:49):
our studio audience is digging back into the coolers
again, so that's a good timefor us just to say take this
moment to say thank you forjoining us on Package Claim and
we look forward to you coming tothe next episode with us hey,
make sure to like share episodewith us.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
Hey, make sure to like share, subscribe, wherever
it is you're at.
Hey, just say we don't say itenough, but thank you for
listening.
It's just crazy to me 125different cities, six different
countries, all over the place.
People are listening, whichtells me people are looking for
some answers and looking forsome help.
Reach out to us on our socials.
(32:25):
If you want to try to catch us,follow us on those.
Dm us.
You can text us straight fromthe app if you're listening to
Spotify, apple Podcasts,whatever it may be, and so make
sure to reach out to us.
This is a community, so you gotto talk back, not just us talk
to you.
So thank you, guys forlistening and we're going to go
(32:46):
hit the cooler with the otherboys.
Adios.
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