Rules of engagement

Yeah, it's been a minute. This time we talk about the "rules of engagement" and how we fight in a loving way.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
In this episode of Balancing the Christian Life, we
talk about disagreeing withpeople we need to love.
Welcome to Balancing theChristian Life.
I'm Dr Kenny Embry.
Join me as we discover how tobe better Christians and people
in the digital age.
Yeah, it's been a minute, or atleast that's what I was

(00:21):
thinking.
My daughter, emma, married onMarch 9th.
A couple weeks ago, I've beenworking several overload classes
so I could afford the modestwedding she had.
I gave her a budget and saidwhen it ran out that's all Katie
and I could have contributed,and I was amazed at her
resourcefulness.
It's a strange thing to watchthe little girl you fought with

(00:44):
constantly as she grew upreflect some of the very things
you worked hard to teach her.
I remember when she came homeas a school kid with permission
slips and impatiently told medad, nobody reads those things,
would you please just sign it?
She had an attitude and hervoice followed by an eye roll.
However, I don't generally signthings.

(01:07):
I don't understand.
She was disgusted then, but asshe figured out who she wanted
to cater her wedding and whatfloor she wanted to use, I
caught her going through thefine print.
Okay, dad, you're right.
I read this stuff now, and it'sa good thing I do.
This isn't an I told you somoment, but appreciating a

(01:31):
little girl who has become anadult, who understands
responsibility.
That's cool.
Right now, emma and her husband,charlie, are living up in
Gainesville, which is a couplehours north of where we live.
A friend of mine, chris Emerson, was preaching a meeting at the
church there and we had ahandful of things.
Emma wondered from our house asshe starts making a home of her

(01:53):
own.
So it was a great excuse to seea friend and visit my newlywed
daughter.
After services my wife and Iwere talking to Charlie about
his first weeks of married life.
So have you guys fought yet?
Well, he said he didn't need tosay anymore.

(02:15):
I recognized the look.
Of course they fought.
I remember the fights Katie andI had our first year of
marriage.
They were important fightsbecause they helped us figure
out the terrain ofresponsibilities and see how we
should and could fight fair.
But we still do fight.

(02:36):
I know some of you are upsetthat I call these disagreements
fights, but I do and I stand byit.
Here's one thing we're goingthrough right now.
Katie loves wearing quitepossibly the ugliest shoe in the
world Birkenstocks.
She tells me they'recomfortable, but for someone who

(02:59):
loves to talk about cutenessand being on trend, I can't
stand these sandals.
They're overpriced, they lookhideous and they're not worth
the hype.
Right now she's wearing theBirkenstocks Madrids.
I hate these shoes and yet Iknow the model because I'm the

(03:23):
one who bought them.
I hate them, but I love my wifeand this is what makes her
happy.
It doesn't hurt me and ourrelationship is stronger because
I figured out that if I canonly put her love of this
hideous footwear above my hatredof it, we both end up happier.

(03:44):
Look, that's a guy who's beenmarried for about 20 years
talking now, and these arelessons I've learned from
failure, not success.
I've also got to admit I've beenwatching a bunch of fights
lately.
I've seen a lot of name calling.
I've heard about documents andpeople who don't get along, and

(04:04):
when I was younger, fights likethis would make me mad.
I'm older now and I've watchedthis pattern for a dozen guys,
maybe more.
In other words, this isn't new.
So have you guys fought yet?
Well, I guess we all knowanswers to that.

(04:24):
Conflict is as old as Cain andAbel, probably older.
So if we're going to fight,could we at least remember a few
important rules of engagement.
First, corinthians 13.4-7 saysLove is patient and kind, does

(04:45):
not envy or boast, is notarrogant or rude, it does not
insist on its own way, it is notirritable or resentful, it does
not rejoice at wrongdoing butrejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, lovebelieves all things, hopes all

(05:08):
things, endures all things.
Paul is talking about how tolove to a bunch of knuckleheads
and Corinth who couldn't seem toget along.
Specifically, they werefighting about spiritual gifts
in this part of Corinthians andPaul is telling them the most
important spiritual gift is love.

(05:29):
If you cannot say you love theperson you're fighting, can I
suggest you're the wrong personto go into the ring with for a
few rounds?
We are told to love ourneighbors, love our brothers,
love our families and love ourenemies.
So be very careful about whomyou choose to be impatient,

(05:53):
envious, boastful, arrogant,rude or insistent with.
As a husband who has donestupid things, I've been that
guy who wanted to win, whobelieved the worst, who was
thrilled to see my wife make amistake.
In other words, I was an idiot.

(06:17):
I've been the same idiot atchurch, I've been the same idiot
at work and, frankly, when I'man idiot, I'm not representing
God very well.
So remember there's not a timewhen we get to suspend what Paul
says about love.
Second, when you criticize,don't hold back, but do be kind

(06:45):
and gracious.
Ephesians 4 15 says speaking thetruth in love, we are to grow
up in Every way into him, who isthe head, into Christ.
Ephesians is a dense letter.
Paul has a lot to say to theEphesians.

(07:06):
He spent some time there, heknew them and as he gave his
farewells and acts, where hemeets with the Ephesian elders,
he doesn't hold back.
He loves them, but he knowssome of these very guys will
betray God and make things farworse.
At the church they oversee Hisentire ministry.

(07:29):
Jesus loved the scribes andPharisees and yet he never held
back about their problems.
Why not?
Because if they were ever goingto be better, they needed to
know what had to be fixed.
He was passionate, he wastruthful, he was direct, but he

(07:51):
wasn't arrogant, he wasn'tresentful, he didn't rejoice
when they were doing thingswrong.
Oh Jerusalem, jerusalem, youwho kills the prophets and
stones those sent to her.
How often I longed to gatheryour children together.
They were hypocrites and theydesperately needed to see their

(08:16):
hypocrisy.
Fights often change course whenwe go after tangents or related
but different charges.
I Remember a fight my wife andI were having, and my wife was
just wrong about something.
No, it wasn't about the trulyimportant thing that sparked our
disagreement.
The fight turned out to beabout how she was feeling taken

(08:39):
for granted and I knew I hadboth said and given her a card
where I showed Thankfulness andgratitude.
I mean, I had the card.
She was wrong, dead wrong.
She was, and I knew it.
I Could show her in black andwhite where she had factual

(08:59):
error.
She was tired and asked Can wejust stop fighting about this,
katie?
I'm not fighting.
I'm just trying to show you whyI'm right.
That's not my proudest moment.
At a time my wife feltvulnerable where I could have

(09:20):
helped her feel better and whereI could have been more gracious
.
Even if there really were timesI expressed gratitude and
thankfulness, I was the idiotwho was right, fighting instead
of helping my wife.
I wanted to win by winning.
Well, she was losing.

(09:42):
I know there are times we needto show error to others.
We need them to understandwhere they are truly mistaken.
We need to expose error asbeing error, but when you have
the opportunity to be graciousand kind, choose to be gracious
and kind.
I know there are others who maybe led astray about error, but

(10:08):
despite the fact that a poliswas preaching the wrong baptism,
quella Bercilla taught himbetter.
Despite the fact that people onMars Hill believed the lies of
other gods, paul taught thembetter.
Despite the fact that the womanat the well believed it didn't
matter which mountain was usedto worship God, jesus taught her

(10:32):
better.
In other words, when you havethe opportunity to choose to
speak the truth in love, pleasespeak the truth in love.
Raising children I laugh now atsome of the truly stupid things
my kids expected my wife and Ito believe.

(10:53):
One of my children, who will gonameless, believed when you
were in water.
You were not wet.
You were only wet when youemerged from the water.
Well, that's about the silliestthing I've ever heard, but at
the time that's what my childbelieved.

(11:13):
My child was wrong.
It became a family joke westill have today.
But the child who misunderstoodwhat it meant to be wet is
still loved and that childunderstands that.
Finally, jesus tells us why doyou see the speck that is in

(11:38):
your brother's eye but do notnotice the log that is in your
own eye.
Or how can you say to yourbrother let me take the speck
out of your eye.
And there is the log in yourown eye, you hypocrite.
First take the log out of yourown eye and then you will see

(12:03):
clearly.
To take the speck out of yourbrother's eye, that hurts.
Hypocrite is a strong word.
It's an ugly word and yet Iknow myself well enough to know
I am one.
I'm a hypocrite.

(12:23):
I criticize others of things Ihave done and sometimes still do
.
I have criticized others ofmisunderstanding a passage that
I have misunderstood in the pastor misunderstand now.
I have criticized others ofbeing prideful and it was my

(12:43):
pride speaking.
I have criticized others ofbeing ignorant, having the wrong
motives, when I was probablyjust as ignorant and had similar
, conflicting motives.
I remember a letter written tome.
I was in a disagreement withsomebody else.

(13:04):
The person was criticizingsomeone else with very specific
allegations and charges, but thebeginning phrase said something
like I myself am full of faults, but here is where the other
person isn't wrong but foolish.
On one hand, that's an easy,generic admission to make.

(13:26):
We are all of us centers, everysingle one, but understanding
our specific fault is morehelpful.
Probably one of the greatestgifts my children and wife have
given me is a mirror into who Iam really.

(13:47):
I have fought with my wife andchildren on many occasions and I
have yet to be in adisagreement where I was not a
party to the problem.
Alain de Beton wrote a bookentitled the Art of Travel, and
one of his lines just kicks mebetween the eyes every time.

(14:08):
He says when we look atpictures of places we want to
visit and imagine how happy wewould be if only we were there,
we are prone to forget onecrucial thing that we will have
to take ourselves along thejourney.
We won't just be in India,south Africa, australia, prague,

(14:33):
peru in a direct, unmediatedway.
We'll be there with ourselves,still imprisoned in our own
bodies and minds, with all theproblems that entails.
When I watch fights from mykids, it's easy for me to see
what's really going on.

(14:56):
One child has something whichmakes the other one jealous.
It's not fair, or they'refighting about who knows the
right answer to a reallyimportant question.
Like the president of Chile,one child just wants to feel
smarter as being denied this bya sister.
In other words, the fight has acontext and often the issue

(15:21):
isn't the facts but the peoplein the conflict.
Some people like to fight.
Some people like to be right.
Some people don't want to feelfoolish.
Some people like to look forspecs in other people's eyes
while they've got a log in theirown and I'm not saying that's

(15:43):
dangerous, jesus is Look.
Some fights need to be fought.
Some people are truly wrong.
Perhaps the stakes are too highto simply let it go, but when
you're fighting with yourfive-year-old about playing in
the street, you need to win.
Your child needs to understandhe's wrong and why he's wrong

(16:10):
and why you've got betterjudgment.
Yes, that's true, but whenyou're in one of those fights,
do you truly love who you'refighting?
Are you being honest, kind andgracious, and are you taking a
good look at yourself to makesure you're not a big part of

(16:34):
the problem as well?
Looking back at my family, Ididn't enjoy our squabbles, but
I'm grateful for the results.
All means one who struggleswith God.
I'm grateful we are able tofight with God, who consistently

(17:01):
loves us, who is gracious to usand who helps us understand
ourselves as we struggle withhim.
Thanks for the good thing I'mthinking about.
Yeah, it's been a minute.
I've recorded three interviewsI plan to release in the next

(17:23):
three weeks.
Also been planning the nextconference with Hal Hammons this
time the conference will be atthe beginning of August instead
of the end of July had anunfortunate but unavoidable
schedule conflict in the lastcouple of weeks.
Next week I plan to release myconversation with Hal Hammons.
He's a wonderful guy, a goodfriend.

(17:45):
So until next time, let's begood and do good.