December 6, 2024 • 49 mins
Season 2: Episode 4 - A Win Is a Win
We dive into the spirit of thanksgiving—reflecting on the year gone by, counting our blessings, and embracing gratitude for both wins and lessons. Toni also shares her pop culture picks of the week, from Kendrick Lamar's surprise "GNX" album drop and Wizkid's latest album "Morayo", to Drake's legal battles with record labels and streaming platforms.
The main discussion however explores the power of reflection: celebrating milestones, identifying growth opportunities, and setting actionable goals for the year ahead.
As always, she concludes the show with her "Book of the Week" selection, alongside her weekly picks for gospel and secular music. This thoughtful mix provides listeners with the perfect soundtrack and inspiration to carry them through the hustle and bustle of life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to Banta with Tony. Join me as I share stories about
motherhood, faith, life, love, and everything else in between.
I promise we'll also have some fun along the way, and I hope
that the time we spent together will end up being some of the
highlights of your week. Thank you for coming along.
(00:20):
Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Banta with
Tony. Before we get any further into
this episode, I'm just going to let you guys know right off the
bat, I've been a little under the weather, so it's probably
going to come through a little bit.
We'll see how well my editor does at editing this episode and
you might not even notice and maybe I had no reason to tell
you, but here we are now. I've been a little under the
(00:41):
weather. I got tested for COVID.
I got tested for what else? Just the flu.
Everything came back negative, but I have this cough and it
didn't start off as a cough. I had like a fever, everything
else, and then it kind of progressed into it.
And the only reason why I'm bringing it up here is because
even like talking on the mic, after a while I feel like I'm
going to cough. And I have my water, I have my
(01:02):
cough drops just in case. But just to give you a heads up.
You know I don't have COVID-19. Please please please please.
No COVID-19 over here just some respiratory thing and I am
taking some meds for that so it will be clear.
You know, the the sickness wanted to steal my fans given
but I didn't allow it. My family stepped in.
(01:25):
I didn't have to cook. Even though I still was being
the director and the CEO. I was still there telling them
how to do things, what to do. And in fact, I did get up and do
a few things here and there, which exhausted myself and made
me go back to lie down, which iswhat I should have been doing.
You know, pray for me, pray for me.
It's it's baby steps. It's baby steps.
Spirit of letting go needs to come over me fully, but I hope
(01:50):
everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving that you got to
spend some time with some loved ones, whether it's family,
friends, anywhere in between, and that you got to reflect on
your year and just got to, you know, just be grateful for what
you did get. Even if you don't have
everything this year, even if you're looking back, you know,
because this time of the year isusually like when we do our
reflections. But even if you're looking back
(02:11):
and you're like, oh, this didn'thappen, That didn't happen.
But I hope that you also took the time to count the blessings
that you do have. For me, it was like what, 2 or
what was it the tooth hands Givens ago I had surgery and
then I ended up going back into the hospital because I had a
fever. I had some kind of infection and
they were trying to trace it where what it was.
And that was the first holiday I'd ever spent at the hospital.
(02:35):
And I think ever since then, I've looked at the holidays
differently because I was like, Oh my gosh, I was at the
hospital for Thanksgiving. And there are people who have
gone through way more. Obviously, as a nurse, I get to
take care of people who have been in the hospital for what
seems like forever. It's just like one thing after
another. They go out, they come back in.
So just be grateful. You know, it's not easy.
(02:56):
I'm not saying that the year hasbeen perfect for a lot of us.
I'm sure people have had their rough patches, their highs,
their lows, but even in the times when they're difficult,
look for your blessings because they're there.
And I wouldn't sit here and speak about anything or talk
about anything that I haven't experienced myself.
I have experienced a rough year as well.
I've had some highs and I've hadsome lows.
(03:17):
And in those moments of the lows, I also have to remind
myself to stay grateful to focuson what I do have, not so much
on what I don't have, and to learn my limitations.
And you know, that's the beauty of like, you know, this faith
thing, knowing where I end and where I say, God, it's over to
you. You take it and you, you lead
with it. And then I'm just going to just
rest and learning to rest and learning that when I put things
(03:41):
in his hands, I say, OK, it's over to you that I truly let it
be over to him and just let him lead the way.
So that's my little spiel there for you.
As far as with Thanksgiving, I hope everybody stuffed their
faces well. Ah, this year we actually did a
very good job. We usually like overcook over
prepare. This year I felt like we
(04:01):
prepared just enough, like we had enough for leftovers for a
few days. But I think for the most part,
most of the stuff is gone. Maybe we only have like some
Turkey left and that's because we cut up the breast like kind
of thin so that the kids can useit for sandwiches and stuff.
And I say kids, but I've been having a Turkey sandwich every
day because that mug was good for the first time this year.
We did. My husband got a pellet grill.
So we actually cooked it on the grill this year.
(04:23):
And I don't see us cooking in any other way because we brined
it for a while and then we seasoned it with a lot of
butter, put the injector in there, got the juices in.
And that mug was like the most succulent Turkey I have ever
eaten. And then on the outside it was
nicely roasted. And then when it got inside, it
was just juicy and just it was abeautiful, beautiful one.
(04:44):
And we didn't do any of like thetraditional desserts.
We actually did French silk, which is my favorite dessert of
all time. It's literally just like this
crust, like this buttery crust that has chocolate mousse in the
middle. And then you have like whipped
cream on top. And sometimes you'll have like
shaved like chocolate on the topof it too.
We got it from members Mark, butit was too sweet.
(05:06):
It was too sugary. So I told the family, I said
next year I'm going to because Ihave a KitchenAid mixer.
You know, I bought it so that I can tell myself that I'm a
Baker, so I need to live up to my mixer.
So I told the family, I said, you know what?
Next year I'm going to make my own French Silk because it's my
favorite dessert and I feel likeI need to master it and I'm
going to do it so that it's not so sugary because the one we
(05:27):
bought from the store at some point just too sweet.
Like I just felt like I was justeating, like, you know,
diabetes. It was just too sweet.
But it didn't stop me. I still had, you know, one or
two pieces. I think we still have like half
of that pie left. But you know, I like that part
of this year that we didn't overcook.
We cooked just enough. We got to spend time with family
and it was a beautiful, beautiful Thanksgiving.
(05:50):
So I cannot wait for Christmas. I will not be sick like this.
I already have my tablescape plans.
Every time I have plan in Jesus name will come to pass.
In the name of Jesus, no weapon formed against me, no cough will
stop me, no sickness will stop me for my Christmas party.
We'll see, we'll see. You know, that is the hope.
So I hope everybody enjoyed their time that you got to spend
(06:12):
time with family, that you got to, you know, relax.
For some of us that rest was much needed.
You know, me being sick, it was actually a blessing in disguise.
I've been off of work for over aweek and it's been nice to just
relax. Like, at first I was like, what
the heck? And then I'm like, OK, I can
just lay here. I can just watch TV, you know, I
try to be offline a lot too. So I wasn't really online trying
(06:33):
to see like, what the latest stuff was happening.
I just wanted to be in the moment, spend time with my
family, recuperate, drink a lot of tea, spend time in thoughts,
writing, whatever it is, but nottoo much, like, online.
And I think it was beautifully accomplished.
So I loved it. Sometimes you get just what you
need. You don't even know that's what
you needed. You know something has to force
(06:53):
you to just sit your butt down somewhere.
Just have a seat. Have a seat and take a break.
Take a breather. And that's exactly what I
needed. So of course, you know, pop
culture was popping. Even though it was a break, it
was still popping. The 1st news that we all know,
Sir. Kendrick Lamar, Slayer of
careers, destructor of one. Aubrey released an album.
(07:18):
And it was a wonderful album andMan at the Garden has had me on
a choco dough. Please release me.
Release me. Man at the Garden has had me on
a chokehold. If you haven't listened to the
album yet, that song is like hisown rendition really, of 1 mic
(07:38):
by Nas. If you're a rap connoisseur, you
know rap music, whatever, you'regoing to know Nas, you're going
to know 1 mic. I mean, that was the song.
Like that was like on BT's 106 and Park what felt like 500.
Weeks. That was one of the songs for us
growing up here in the US. So if.
You know it, you know it. If you don't know it, go listen.
And when you listen. Listen to Kendrick's Man at the
(07:59):
Garden. It was beautiful.
It's like affirmations, like theI deserve it all part like,
yeah. And we do.
When I was listening to, I was just like, yes, you know,
everything coming to you. That's good.
That's great. So it just felt like when you're
reading affirmations to yourself, really.
But then at the end, I love the part that he kind of showed
because, you know, you get like this Zen feeling and everything
(08:20):
else throughout, like the beginning of the song and
whatever, and then it builds up,which is the cadence that one
mic follows as well. So at the end now, then he's
like the fact that there are even people out here that can
speak to these things, like he just got mad.
He got mad at the head. He said what he needed to say.
You know, he was trying to be Zen.
He reminds me of Real HousewivesWendy.
(08:41):
Yeah, he was trying to be Zen when?
But no, he could not be Zen whenhe tried, OK.
For 3/4 of the song, he was like, you know, I'm gonna keep
it cool. And then he's like, damn it,
He's like, forget it. I don't want to stay cool.
Like, no, the fact that you can even bring up these lames with
my name, and I'm just going to let you know it's just blood to
me. I can spit like OK.
(09:01):
Kendrick, calm down. Calm.
Down. But I felt every emotion.
I felt every emotion. The calmness.
Sometimes that's how it is. We want to be calm.
We want the affirmations. We know what we are reading with
all these good vibration. We want to vibrate higher.
You know, we want to be like Michelle Obama when they go low,
we want to go high. But sometimes, sometimes, you
know, you just, you got to go where they are, you got to meet
(09:22):
them where they are. You know, it's not every time
they're going low, you're going up.
No, no, no, no. Sometimes you don't got to go
high, you know, So, he said. You know what, I can go high.
But just so you know, I can alsotake it down to the trenches
down below. So yeah, that song was
beautiful. I think I was reading something
today that says that now it's like the biggest rap debut for
(09:42):
biggest rap album debut of the year.
Understandably so, because, I mean, we didn't even know he was
dropping next. I was like, did Kendrick drop
something? Luco WWW dropped an album and I
listened to like one freaking song and that was the song with
Ashake and I added it to my listbecause I love the song but my
husband was telling me he's likehe went back to his Yoruba
(10:02):
roots. I was like, OK, so I'm like
gearing up to listen to the Whiskey album, then Kendry come
out with Tabo and I have been listening to Kendrick's album.
So I need to go back and listen to Wiz Kids album because from
what I hear, it's a good effort.He goes back to his roots.
There's substance there. So I can't wait.
But the Ashaka song is really the only song from the Wiz Kid
album that I've heard. And I want to give him a fair
(10:23):
shake at my assessment because usually I'll go through a whole
album and then like I'll pick myfavorites.
Obviously very few people are ever going to get a listen out
of me and I like every single Dang song.
Maybe the closest one might havebeen Scissors album like when I
was like. Good, good, good.
But yeah, most of the time, likeI'll probably end up like like
maybe four or five songs in the whole album.
(10:44):
So we'll see. I'm excited for Whiz Kids album.
I just need to sit down and listen to it and I want to give
it a fair shake. So maybe I'll do it today, like
on my way to work and put that in and just listen and then
before you know it, I'm where I need to be.
So in the spirit of Salama, Sir Aubrey has decided that he
wanted to go ahead and sue saying that Not like us use bots
(11:08):
they paid to play yada yada. Woo woo.
He's calling fraud. He's calling fraud or not like
us. He was like, they don't even
really like it like that. You paid them to like that song
Stop playing. They were not vibing with not
like us like that. The funniest comment I saw
online was somebody said no, no,it won the Electoral College and
the popular vote. I was deceased.
(11:29):
I was like, Oh my God. I was like, no.
Hey, Aubrey. Aubrey OB OB you see.
Every time this man opens his mouth, he proves everything that
Kendrick is saying, right. First of all, your friends and
your friends, because they heardyou say that you were going to
go ahead and sue and do this thing and they thought what a
great idea. And then to any amount of St.
(11:51):
cred that you had left, any ounce of it?
Has now gone out the window because all everybody.
'S going to remember is that youare the one that lost a rap
battle that decided to end it with a lawsuit like my dude,
come on stop it. You could have been in the
studio already and I've written like a whole Dang album like
this man did and you could have just let your album speak for
(12:11):
yourself. That's not how we do it.
Oh my gosh, the whole song the not like us you just proved
everything right in one swoop like how do you are you even
fighting? Are you even have an opponent at
this point? You don't even have an opponent
because it's like he's probably looking back, like I don't even
have to do any work anymore. Like this dude is digging his
own hole, crawling it. I mean, at this point it's not
even fun for him anymore. I'm sure he's probably already
(12:32):
moved on because what? That's why even on his album he
had the Heart Part 6 because he's like, I'm going to take it
back because I don't know what it is that you did there.
I worked too hard for these series for me to just hand it
over to you with that stuff thatyou came out with that you
called The Heart Part 6. So I'm going to reclaim it back
and I'm going to talk about whatI want to talk about.
And that's actually like one of my favorite songs of his 2
(12:54):
outside of Man at the Garden, The Heart Part 6, like just
talking about, you know, all thepeople that were there for him
that helped him to get to where he's at.
In case you haven't noticed, I've transitioned.
I'm talking about Kendrick's album again.
But the Hard Part 6, I felt likeit was just a beautiful ode to
like everybody that helped him along his journey.
And you give me R&B and rap collaboration.
I'm a sucker for it so and that was just beautiful.
(13:15):
I was trying to figure out I waslike, who is it that sang this?
And I looked it up and they saidit was like SWV sample and there
was somebody else that sang that.
But she did such a beautiful job.
Whoever the artist was, it's a wonderful song.
I added it to my playlist for sure because obviously man in
the Garden, that was number one.But the hard part 6.
I love the song with Scissor. I think it's Luther.
(13:38):
Yes, love that one too. I'm trying to think of what else
off the top of my head that I added to my playlist, but it's a
great listen. GNX by Kendrick, if you haven't
listened yet, go ahead and listen.
And we are going to listen to the Whiskey album as well.
But Aubrey, please stop. Please, please, please, please.
And what he's accusing is what everybody does.
Everybody knows that the record companies pay like the radio
(13:59):
stations to play records. So you're not telling people
anything that you yourself at one point in your career you
have not done to promote your albums.
So why are you all up in arms and mad about it?
Because you feel like somebody else is doing it?
Or like it's just the insults. Like I heard so many people
saying like, OK, fine, we're going to run up the song again
so that he knows it's not bots. Like it's insults to the fan.
(14:19):
Because you're trying to tell usthat in no way that you guys
truly like the song. That's problematic, dude.
Did you not watch the July 4th concert where he, like,
performed that song like five times?
Like, stop it, my dude. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop it, Aubrey, stop it. Go find a sweater to put around
your shoulder and go sit down. Just leave it alone.
Just stop, OK? At this point, he's buried
(14:41):
himself. I don't think there's anything
left to say with that whole thing.
I think he has put the nail in the coffin.
He put himself in the coffin, nailed it, put it down, had one
of his friends put some dirt on it at me.
He buried himself. He buried, he done.
That's cooked, as some people would say.
He's cooked. Let's see other pop culture.
(15:01):
I thought this was a cute littlestory.
Well, cute because I guess I'm aparent, so I can kind of
understand. But there was a story that just
kept popping up and all these different outlets picked it up.
But it was Cardi B pretty much like threatening her kids.
And I just thought it was funny because it kind of like led to
like what we talked about two episodes ago or the episode
before. We were talking about like kids
and having the boundaries with the iPads and all that stuff.
(15:22):
So she pretty much was threatening her kids saying that
if she did not get good reports when she went to those parent
teacher conferences that she wasgoing to break the iPads, throw
away the phones in the garbage and pretty much take away all
electronics. So she's like, I'm not that kind
of mom. I'm not playing.
And I think obviously like with Cardi B, like half the stuff,
(15:43):
like she's funny, she's hilarious.
So I'm sure she only means like half of it.
But it's just refreshing to see like her have like that kind of
take as, you know, being super involved and wanting obviously
the best for her kids. And like, look, you all ain't
going to have all these electronics because look, if we
don't get these grades. When I go to this parent teacher
conference, you already know when we were growing up, I don't
know about other people, but especially the African house.
(16:05):
So don't let them go in there and talk nothing else about you.
In fact, when they go in there black.
And why does she only have 98% in the class?
Did she miss an assignment that she did not talk?
I can't imagine they actually goto a parent teacher conference
that they're telling. Oh, by the way, Antonio was not
listening. Oh really?
So now you are the teacher Like oh, so now you know more than
(16:26):
the teacher. When the teacher is talking you,
you, we are sitting there because you too, you can talk.
You too. You have mouth.
So you too. When they talk 1 you talk one
they talk to you talk to When I actually learned.
Oh my gosh, I cannot. So Cardi has a little bit, you
know, of that fighting mom spirit in her.
So I love it more stories like that.
Even like 2 weeks ago, I think there was a story of, I think it
(16:48):
was Kim Kardashian and like her son posted something
inappropriate in regards to Kamala Harris.
That will be the totally different story.
But what I liked was she enforced what she had told him
before, which was if you say anything or do anything that I
do not approve of, I will take down your account.
And she sure did what she said she was going to do.
And I'm like, yes, I like that. OK, Kimmy, you go ahead, you
(17:10):
take that down. But it was good.
I was like, OK, OK, she said what she said.
And when he crossed that boundary, you know, cuz kids
will test you. Kids will always test you.
So she said what she said. And then when he crossed the
boundary, she had to live up to what she said.
And she, she did it in a heartbeat.
She said, I don't care about these accounts.
Sure, she sure it went and deleted that.
(17:30):
And you know, like I always say,kids need the structure.
So I'm here for it, you know, but but out of like all the
moms, like the Kardashian family, even back in the day
when I used to watch their show,I feel like Kim would be the
like the strictest 1. I feel like Chloe's like
probably maybe the most lenient one, but maybe things have
changed. I've not watched their show
recently, so I have no idea how she is now like as a mom of two.
(17:51):
But I always feel like even withher sisters, like does not play.
So if she doesn't play with her sisters, how old children, she's
probably like, no, what did I say?
What did I say anyways? Funny parenting stories for
those of us that can relate to that kind of stuff.
Like I said, a lot of craziness on the news.
(18:13):
There's certain things that are going on in the news that I will
choose not to talk about on my show because I like my piece,
because I don't want to be targeted by anybody in any way,
shape or form because I have enough of my own problems.
OK, so everything I talk about here is always going to be light
hearted conversations, conversations that are not like
too crazy, too deep. Certain subjects, I'm just not
(18:35):
going to touch it. And there are other things going
on in the news that I've noticedand I've seen and I have my
opinions, but I'm going to stay with myself because again, like
I said, I like peace in my life.I'm seeking peace.
I am peace and I will have peace, OK, And in order for me
to do that, there are certain things I will not touch, OK,
Absolutely. So I will not.
But anyways, I hope that everybody at some point at this,
(18:59):
at this stage of our lives, thatwe can all look at where we are,
especially given the fact that we are now in the last month of
the year. Those of you that are going back
home, please have mercy on the rest of us that are not.
IN2025I will not be left behind.Dirty December.
I must dirty it. I must rumble it.
(19:20):
I must over dirty it. But now that Dirty December 2024
is here and I'm not participating, For those of you
that are participating, please have mercy on us.
Don't overdo it if you're going,just go and enjoy yourself.
There's no need for you to be posting 5500 videos and pictures
for us so that we can be here and be thinking about the fact
(19:41):
that we're not back home. Please, please, please respect
yourself so that we can respect you.
I will still watch your stories.I will still watch.
I did not say I will not watch you.
I will still watch your stories.I will watch all of them.
If you post 500 videos, even as I'm complaining, I will still
watch all 500 and I will still like them and I will still enjoy
it. That's not the point.
The point is have mercy on us. Don't have such a good time Once
(20:02):
in a while I post yourself, that's in December.
I lost my purse. If you didn't even lose your
purse, make it up, you know, make up a story for us to feel
bad about, you know? So something, you know, I came.
The food was not even as best asit needed to be, even though you
know the food was good. Say something, help us out, help
be a team player. Don't be out here.
Everything is great, everything is fine.
(20:23):
Once in a while make up a story.I got robbed last night.
You didn't get robbed but just say it.
Oh my gosh. But anyways, it's dirty December
time. It's because of you people that
now want ticket to Lagos is costing people $3000.
Because of you people, you people cannot shut up your mouth
about. Good thing.
Before you guys came along, people used to go back home.
(20:45):
People used to go back home every year.
Then this new generation decidedthat they want to discover Dirty
December and not only did they discover it, they discovered it
and told their friends. Now people who are not even
African are participating Dirty December.
Why? And here we are now, 1 ticket is
costing us $500 million. And like I said, next year I
will not be left behind. I already know I'm going.
But since this is not next year,this is this year.
(21:07):
Please respect yourselves. Anyways, I can't wait for all
the videos. I can't wait for all the
pictures. It's going to be beautiful.
So usually this time of year, I'm sure everybody does the same
thing. I'm not saying anything prolific
here. It's the time for reflection.
So really this episode, I just wanted us to just kind of like
talk about celebrating our wins.That's the first thing, the
(21:29):
lessons that we've learned, right?
Having gratitude and grace. So kind of like what I talked
about about Thanksgiving, like finding that blessing no matter
what is going on to having that.And I think the last thing is
looking ahead, like, you know, it's the last month of the year.
We're wrapping things up before you know it, New Year's is going
to be here. So this is kind of like just
what I wanted us collectively tobe doing this month.
(21:50):
So the first thing is celebrating your wins, right?
For us as moms, I think sometimes we don't see the
little wins like we only would see the big ones.
And so if you don't accomplish like the big things that are on,
you think, Oh my gosh, like whatdid I win at this year?
But my dear, showing up for yourfamily, that's a win.
Think about how many meals you cooked this year.
Think about how your family did not have to go without.
(22:13):
They had everything that they needed.
You were there, you did all the laundry, you cooked the meals,
you showed up to activities and sports when they needed to
depend on you, when they forgot about a friend's birthday and
you had to go last minute and get a gift.
Like all the little ways that you have shown up as mom and
been that superhero to your family, that is a win.
(22:34):
And don't forget that. And like I said, a lot of these
things that I'm sharing is for, you know, you guys, my audience.
But I can also relate because I've been there too, because
sometimes you're looking at everything.
For me, one of the things I should have had done this year
was to be done with school, But I had to adjust my schedule so
many times. There were times when I had to
stop taking classes. So I'm not achieving that goal
(22:57):
this year. I'm still on my way to achieving
it, but it's not going to be done this year.
But it doesn't mean that I haven't accomplished other
things for me to feel great and grateful for, for how far I've
come. So it's looking for those little
wins. Like sometimes your win will not
look the way that you want it tolook.
So maybe you wanted to start a business and you were not able
to start it. Maybe you have a business, but
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certain things and your businessis not the way that you wanted
to be. But think about all the other
times, like when you showed up for your friends when they
needed you, when you showed up for strangers, when they didn't
even know, you know, who you were or how you were, you know,
going to to be there for them. But you did think about all the
little things. And if you feel like, Oh my
gosh, I haven't done this and I haven't done that.
Focus more on your wins. Focus more on the personal
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things. If you have even grown this year
as a person, that's a win. Like I said, I know there are
certain things I didn't accomplish this year.
I know I'm going a little off tangent here, but I had just
have to say it. A lot of times I'll bring up
like my husband in conversation,but it's not because I'm one of
those girls who's like just bragging all the time.
It's literally because he's likemy best friend.
He's like the person that I hangout with.
We joke around we have our this and that but.
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Like he's there with me and a lot of things because rightfully
so, I'm sharing a life with him.So it's not because I want to
bring him up every two minutes. That is not the case.
But anyways, back to like celebrating your win,
celebrating the little things that you are able to accomplish.
I was able to make a joke about something that in the past would
have been something that will betraumatic for me, but I would
have probably cried. But instead I made a joke and he
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just was like, you know what, that's a sign that you've healed
a lot. And I was like, you know what,
you're right. Like the fact that I can joke
about that, that means I've healed in that way.
So for me, a win this year is being able to talk about certain
things that have been traumatic for me, but I'm able to like be
on the other the side of it and joke about it and laugh about
it. And I think that's just a sign
of how far I have come in my healing.
(24:47):
So my healing this year for me has been a win, healing from
hurts in the past, letting go ofcertain things and being brave
enough to, you know, sometimes even give people in a chance in
a way that I've been hurt in thepast.
So I'm just saying for you, takethis time to acknowledge the
things in your life that it's been a win.
And maybe you won in the ways that you anticipated.
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Maybe there are goals you set for yourself this year and you
did accomplish them. That's great.
But in just in case there are goals that you have set, you
have not accomplished them, you have not met them.
All you have to do is just take a moment to actually see other
things that you were able to do.And that goal that you have,
maybe it's just going to be a multi year goal.
Like for me, I know for sure my aim to crush the goals that I
didn't meet this year and next year.
So I know it's going to happen. That's what I will encourage you
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as well, you know, for you to kind of reflect.
What are some of the moments foryou this year that you're proud
of? How are the ways that you have
shown up for yourself? How are the ways that you have
shown up for your family and foryour friends and how do you
balance all these things and just start listening and you'll
be amazed at all the things thatyou have done.
Like the way we're tuned sometimes as human beings is
that we don't see those little things with the mundane things,
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the everyday things, it's. Easy for us to take it for
granted and focus on the one bigthing that you didn't get to
accomplish or maybe a few thingsthat you didn't get to do and
then you miss all these other things that you did.
So it's been a hard lesson for me and I'm hoping that I can
help anybody out there that struggles with that, like for
you to find your wins because I promise you they are there.
And then the next thing is like the lessons learned.
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So even in those tough times, even in the times that have
tried us the most, you know, it's time for us to like sit
back, evaluate, okay, what are the things that I did to lead to
the hardships that I experienced?
And how can I change it? How can it shape me in my
journey, whether as an individual, as a mom, as a
partner, a friend, What is it? What are those times teaching
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me? So my biggest thing this year,
even though I'm sick right now, like I said, but I still showed
up again, the biggest thing for me this year is learning how to
show up for myself no matter what is happening around me.
That has been a lesson that has been a long time coming for me.
I used to be the type of person like if something terrible is
happening with a family member of mine is going to distract me.
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It's going to affect me so much that even the things I need to
do to show up for the people that are like closest to me,
like my family, my kids, my husband, you know, it's going to
affect me to be able to do that.And for me at this point in my
adult life is the first time that no matter what is happening
around me, all hell can be breaking loose.
Everything can be falling apart.And I will have my moment where
(27:15):
I need to like, you know, regroup and get back together.
But I'm learning the art of like, I got to keep moving.
I got to keep going. I got to keep showing up for my
family. I got to keep showing up for
myself. And that took me a long time to
learn that lesson. I think it's because I'm such a
person, like I feel emotion so deeply that things will just
happen. And I just have the type of life
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like where it's like something'salways going on.
And so having to learn how to like compartmentalize, carry the
things that are meant for me to carry, but don't carry
everything because I didn't create every problem.
So I don't need to carry every problem because it's not mine to
carry in the 1st place. Learning that right?
Again, that's probably a byproduct of me going to
therapy, but just learning how to let go.
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Show up regardless. No matter what is happening.
Showing up like that has been like the biggest thing.
Just show up. Good, bad and different other
just show up. That has been the biggest lesson
for me this year. And when I had to look back at
certain times when I didn't accomplish certain things or
things didn't pan out for me theway I wanted them to, one of the
hard lessons of honesty that I needed to have with myself was
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okay. It's not because life was easy.
It was hard, but I stopped showing up.
I stopped doing the work. I stopped being there for
myself. Like showing up for myself,
showing up for those around me. I stopped.
And so for me now, it's learningthat no matter what is
happening, no matter what is going on, it doesn't mean I
block things out, doesn't mean Idon't feel my emotions.
I still do. But knowing when to feel it,
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when to leave it alone, when to walk away.
Because guess what? I still need to be there for my
family. I still need to be there for my
loved ones and that's why this conversation is good for us to
have it now because it's in the beginning of the year.
So maybe over the next couple weeks, as you know, we're
celebrating the holidays and we're getting ready to wind down
the year. It will be something for you to
sit with yourself and say, okay,what are the lessons that I've
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learned this year? And how is it that in the tough
times, like I have also played arole in my suffering?
Because it's always easy for us to just think about all the
things that people do to us and how they treated us wrong and
what they did that was bad. It's a whole nother ball game to
sit down there and to say, OK, how have I played a role in this
thing? That's like a cancer to me.
You know, I have accepted certain things or I have, you
(29:25):
know, been comfortable in toxicity and, you know, looking
at the role that you play in things as well and being honest
with yourself. It's taken me a long time in my
adult life to learn. And I feel like this year was
like. The first time that I truly
mastered it and it was really through practice.
Like they say it all the time, you're not going to learn
certain things if you don't put them into practice.
This is one of them. Like that showing up part.
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If that's the same thing for you, where they like man, you
know, things just happen to me and when they happen, it pushes
me back that I'm not able to be present.
I'm not able to be there for theones I love and everything else.
If that's the same thing for you, it just takes practice.
Find that thing like maybe for you might be studying.
You thinking, man, I've been trying to get my degree.
I've been trying to get my bachelor's degree for what seems
(30:08):
like 10 years. But every time I try to study in
class, something is happening. And guess what?
Things are going to keep happening.
So what you have to tell yourself is, OK, how is it that
when things happen, I can still feel them.
I can still be there for my loved ones, but I still have to
make sure I put my priority first that I'm going to get this
thing done because that's the goal I have set for myself.
And how am I going to keep on showing up?
And that's why this time is so important.
(30:30):
So I ask you, what was your hardest lesson that you have
learned this year? How did the challenges, how did
the things that you do, how did they shape you as a person?
As a mom, I can tell you now, the person that I was in the
beginning of the year, I'm not that same person right now where
I'm standing at today. I feel like I see life
differently in certain ways. There are certain things I've
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decided to set down. There are certain ways I've
decided to create boundaries formyself.
Everything is not the way it used to be and it's not even
something that I was aware of. It's just something that just
happened as I was growing, as I was getting stronger in certain
areas, and like I'm saying, likepracticing certain things, it
just became better. So if we do a recap, reframing
what you consider to be failures, pay attention to your
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wins. List your wins out.
I don't care if you did your makeup three days out of the
week this year and the other, you know the other what, 4 you
were looking at hot mess. Hey, that's three days of you
putting up makeup and looking good and going out.
That's an accomplishment. So reframing what you think
failure is and looking for your wins.
And then two, the lessons that you learn and being honest with
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yourself as to the roles that you have played in your own,
like infliction of pain. Sometimes that is important.
The next one that we kind of talked about already in some
capacity is this idea of gratitude and grace.
So this word gratitude I've had a history with.
There was a time I wrote an article because I felt like as
black people and as just people of African descent, people in
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diaspora, that sometimes we are asked to be only grateful and
nothing else. And I think if somebody does not
know who I am, then you miss it because then you think that I'm
saying that we should not be grateful.
We should always be grateful. But I didn't like the way when I
was looking around in the media,how gratefulness was being
weaponized. And it was only mentioned when
it came to us. It was a way to use to, like,
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shut people up. Like that idea.
Like, you should be grateful that you're just even in the
room. You should be grateful that
you're just here. And it's like, well, yeah, we
should all feel that way. But it shouldn't just be how I
should feel because I'm a personof color or, you know, I'm a
person from a certain background.
Like, no, everybody should have gratitude.
If you're John Smith, you shouldhave gratitude.
If you're Tywil Smith, you should have gratitude.
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We all should have gratitude. So we're not just going to say
it's just one person because it's another way of, like, the
subjugation of people, right? Just saying that only a group of
people like you should always just be grateful.
You should just be even gratefulyou're invited.
And well, yeah, you should be grateful you're invited too.
We should all be grateful. You should not think that it
should be given to you. And if we're all on that same
page, then we know what we're talking about here.
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So for me, whenever I see the word gratitude being used, like
whether it's online or whatever,sometimes I get weary of it
because I'm aware of the fact that sometimes it's a double
edged sword. Sometimes it's another tool of
manipulation that is used to suppress a group of people
because it's telling them like they have no choice but to
experience only that one emotion.
And then it shows up in so many ways, like when I wrote that
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article. I wish I had saved it when I had
written it at the time. And writing is one of those
things I will get back to next year in 2025.
But that was the battle that wasfighting there with that, I feel
like true. Gratitude for something or for
someone. It's sometimes like even in the
most like mundane things, right?Like I'm grateful for you the
way I know I'm grateful for you.Your relationship that you have
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with me or the space that you hold in my life is that
sometimes I pray for you. Like it's such a personal thing,
right? Like sometimes you come to my
head. I don't know how many times it's
even been times like when it's not even somebody that I'm even
talking to anymore. We're not in good terms or
something, but they come to my spirit and I'm like, you know
what? Let me pray for that person.
They came to my mind for a reason.
So I'm going to pray about it. Like I'm grateful for your
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relationship. I'm grateful for your
connection. I'm also obedient that even when
something comes up to me that says, you know, pray about this
individual, pray about this person.
I can put aside whatever it is that I'm feeling or whatever I'm
going through to just, you know,be in submission like that.
That's a whole nother story for a whole nother day.
But it's a different. Ways I feel like for me that
shows me like somebody that's grateful for life or grateful
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for what they have, grateful fortheir loved ones.
It's like a calmness in the spirit.
It is like I said in the little things is how they speak about
the individual and trust me, is there even when that person is
not there, like when that individual is not even present.
Anybody can sing praises to somebody in their face, but even
when they're not there that you speak so highly of them and then
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you're like, man, this is just somebody I'm just grateful to
have in my life. Like I don't know how else to
put it, but I can sense when it's like a fake or a false
humility or false appreciation, like when it's not genuine.
And we probably all can, maybe some of us have just done a
better job of like explaining itaway.
But I feel like gratitude, learning to be grateful for what
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you do have and then giving yourself grace, grace, grace,
grace. I have had to learn that too
over the last couple years. Like, I think I'm gracious.
I will be the person. I will make up all the 500
million excuses for somebody. Somebody will have bad behavior.
And I'll be like, well, they're going through a tough time.
Oh, this is happening. But then I found out that when
it came to myself, I didn't giveas many excuses.
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I'll be like, well, why didn't Ido this?
How could I have missed that? Like, you know, and I'm like, if
I get 55 excuses to that person,I can give myself 55,000,000
excuses too. And I urge any of my readers
that are the same way, that the same grace I extend to others,
extending it to myself. You know, sometimes it's almost
like it's kind of like our culture too, like some of our
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African cultures, because obviously all of us as Africans,
we're not all the same. We're not all monolithic people.
But for some of our African cultures, like it's just
especially as women within the African culture, we're taught
to, you know, give more of ourselves and the standards, as
we can see sometimes for men andwomen, it's not even the same.
So over time, it's like, what are we being taught about grace
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and what that looks like? Because you have the same women
who can probably be torturing another woman, right?
But they can give grace to a man, but that same grace they
cannot give to another woman, and neither can they give it to
themselves. These are all the different
things that as we're coming to the end of the year, just think
about it. How are the ways that you show
gratitude in your life? How are the ways that you show
grace to yourself, to others, and our view been programmed by
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society, by certain things that you decide that, oh, these
people get more grace and I don't give as much grace to
these people. And maybe you don't even realize
it for yourself, but sit down and ask yourself, you know, when
somebody makes me mad, if that person is a male, do I treat
them differently than if I do when they're female?
And ask yourself and truly be honest, think about it.
And then the last part is looking ahead.
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So planning, right? And that's why it's so important
that we do it earlier in the year, that we don't wait till
the last second of 2024 to be like, OK, am I planning looking
ahead? What are the things that you
want to let go of next year? You know, you always think
planning ahead, like, OK, I wantto accomplish this, I want to
accomplish that. But what are the some of the
emotional things for you too? I have ideas.
I have certain things in my headthat I know next year I don't
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want to be dealing with this anymore.
I want it to be better. And the way it gets going to be
better, it's going to start withme.
So the same thing for you, I'll urge you in your life, what are
the things you want to let go ofnext year?
What are the things you want to embrace?
What are the things you want to prioritize?
One of the things I've been saying, and I'm already setting
the things in motion for it is my health.
When I had this respiratory infection, again, it's not the
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first time at the end of the year that I've had a respiratory
infection. So to me, it tells me that
there's certain habits and certain things that I'm doing as
far as with my body that like that.
So that was the end of the year.It's like I have nothing left,
no gas left in the tank. So for me, it's like, what are
the hell things? What are the things as far as
with rest that I'm going to implement throughout the year,
whether it's a quarterly thing, you know, something that I'm
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going to like, put it in the forefront and prioritize it so
that by the time December comes,November comes, I'm not so
exhausted. My body is not so worn out that
I can easily, you know, get these respiratory infections
that I tend to get around this time of the year.
Because for me, it's just a signthat I've probably worked my
body too hard and I've done so much better with like rest and
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with self-care. But obviously it's an area that
I still need to keep improving. Like I was just joking about
with, you know, during Thanksgiving, but still learning
that the show will go on really understanding that you're
important, but you're not that important.
If something happens to you today, I promise you, the
company you're working for, I don't know how much they've told
you how important you are and you probably are important.
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But when they need to move on, if something happens to you
today, they're going to say, youknow what?
She was a great worker. He was a great worker.
We appreciate all her years of service.
Here's some money towards your family and they're going to go
ahead and hire somebody new on Monday or promote somebody else
to your position. So you're important, but you're
never that important. So put yourself 1st and don't
ever get caught up in the hype of life and what people on the
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outside will think or what people want on the outside might
say to you, how they're gassing you up and making you feel some
kind of way. We're all important, but you're
not that important in the grand scheme of things.
So being realistic with yourself, what are your goals?
What are your capacities? That's a big one.
Knowing what I'm capable of, knowing where my limitations
are, accepting them, being honest with myself, knowing
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that, OK, sometimes I can be tough to be in a relationship
with because you know what, I take things a certain way.
So how am I going to work on that?
What are the things I'm going totake to kind of check myself?
Maybe I have somebody in my lifethat can help me balance things
out so that I can go back to them and be like, well, this
person said this or this person made me feel some kind of way.
What do you think? What is your perspective?
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How do you see things right? But it's first being honest and
then you take your step forward to say, OK, how am I going to
improve or what am I going to do?
So that's my challenge to you, especially for us as women, what
are the things that you're goingto let go of next year?
Girl, you can't carry it all. You can't have it all, you can't
lead it all, you can't be the pro at everything.
So what are some things that you're going to put down?
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They're going to say, this is not for me anymore and I'm not
carrying it with me and I'm letting it be in 2024.
Start deciding, you know, it might be one thing and that's
fine, but what is one thing you're going to let go of in
this year? And then what are the plans?
Because it's one thing to want it, right?
But then come up with a plan. What are the active things
you're going to do into your life?
So if you have said, you know what, I'm leaving gossip behind
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in 2024, I'm no longer going to be talking about people and
their business or whatever, thenyou got to know the friend
that's a trigger for you. You got to know, OK, this
person, whenever they call, we talk about people.
So when they call them, they start talking about people.
What are the things that I'm going to put into place so that
we don't have this conversation?We don't go back to those old
ways. And then you communicating with
that individual even. So I noticed that we tend to do
this and I'm not saying that it's all on you, but I'm saying
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I want to change. So when you bring that
conversation, letting that person be aware so they know
when you bring up that conversation, I'm not going to
be doing this with you anymore, OK?
Because I'm leaving that behind.And then how are you actively
going to work towards achieving that thing?
And what are the things that you're going to prioritize?
You know, for us as women, sometimes it might be a couple
things, but you know, like I said, for me it's health, but
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for you maybe it's something else.
So you sit in your quiet moment and decide those things.
And I think we will be off to a great 2025 because we're not
going to wait till December 31stto do this.
We're going to do it now in the beginning of December as the
month is starting, as we're getting to go towards the end of
the year so that we're ready so that we can, you know, have a
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vision board for next year that we have some of these things on
there. And we've already thought about
it and we already have a plan. Like for me, when it comes to my
health, I'm already making thosechanges.
Like I'm trying to eat more protein, low carbs.
So I'm already starting to make some of those changes.
I'm trying to cut back on my dairy because I know it leads to
inflammation for me. So yogurt is one of my big
things that I love. And now I'm for the most part
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eating non dairy yogurts. So it will be coconut milk,
almond milk, whatever other alternative but cutting out as
much dairy. The only thing I still do is
cheese and that's because I always tried vegan cheese below.
I cannot, I can't man should notleave by vegan cheese alone.
So they'll probably still be like one or two things that I
cannot change out because I justdon't like the way the vegan
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options change. But for the most part I'm trying
to work on that. So like my health thing is like
a multi step thing. I'm now working out pretty much
every day doing some form of exercise, except for this week
when I was sick, the only thing I could do is meditate.
But, you know, think of the things that you can even start
to implement now. Don't have to wait for the
beginning of the year, next year.
But these are decisions. Once you've sat down with
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yourself and you've thought about these things and you've
figured them out, then it's like, OK, how can I even start
implementing them now? I don't need to wait for next
year, but I want you guys to remember you've done a lot this
year. You've accomplished a lot this
year. Your kids, you raised kids.
To see another year, that's a blessing.
That is a beautiful thing. Some of you guys even give birth
to children this year. That is a win.
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That is a blessing. You gave birth to kids.
Your journey of, you know, becoming a mother has not been
easy, but you did it. So there's so much for us to
remember as moms of what this year has brought for us.
You are strong, you're loved, your life is lovely.
Remember that, You know, becausemy handle on my other account
(43:27):
is, again, remember, lovely Tony.
But your life is still lovely. Even in all the chaos, even with
all the kids and this issue and drama and da da da da, it's
still a beautiful, beautiful life.
And I hope that you have a wonderful time reflecting on
what your year has been, that you make some great plans for
yourself, that you take some time to think about your next
(43:50):
year and be intentional. And we're going to do it
together. I'm doing the same thing too on
this end. So let's be intentional about
our next year and how we are going to accomplish it step by
step. You got this, Mama.
All right, so it's time to pick the song of the week.
Well, the songs of the week. So my worldly.
I need to find another title forthis I feel like.
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You know, music is just music, you know?
I know I'm joking whenever I sayworldly because that's what my
mom used to say. But anyways, my song of the
week, my regular one is by Asha Keh, and it's called.
Oh yeah. Oh my gosh.
So back in the day when I used to have my blog, I remember one
of my favorite interviews that Iever did was with DJ Cuppy.
(44:34):
And at the time, I asked her on there about like, mixing EDM
music and Afro beats together because like, Afro beats makes
me so happy. EDM music makes me so happy.
So I'm like, you know, have you guys ever thought about
combining the two since you werea DJ, You know?
So when I saw Ashaki in concert this summer, if you have not
gone to his concert yet and it'scoming close to you, I advise
(44:57):
you to go. Like, his showmanship is top
tier. I loved it so much.
I will go again if somebody elseis paying, if somebody else is
gifting me, you know, you want to give me a Shaka tickets, who
am I to stop you in your gracious gifted?
But yes, I would definitely go again if I was given the
opportunity to. But when he performed this
(45:18):
particular song, he got on the turntables and he did it and it
was just phenomenal. So by a Shaka, it's the mixture
of the two things I love. And when I heard it, I was like,
yeah, that's it. The way it builds the, Oh my
gosh, the momentum untouched, untouched.
Nothing like kids. Nothing like kids.
You're not going to hear anything else like it around
(45:40):
here. So that is my first choice.
And then, you know, we always have to give you gospel because
in these times, you know what times we're in, we need the
favor of God, His hands on us before we go out, when we're
coming in, in the middle of our day, anytime, you know, because
it's crazy out here. It's crazy.
So my gospel song for this week,this one, if you have followed
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me on any social media, you're going to know this one is there.
OK, When I heard her voice, I feel like it was meant for this
song. Her voice is just beautiful.
So it is Sumisola agbebi. OK.
And the song is Bola, which I guess translate to honor.
I'm not sure if it's Yorba because I have a Yorba friend.
(46:23):
When he came, he said he loves his song too, but he said he
could not understand it. So I don't know if it's like a
sub dialect of the Yorba language, if somebody that's out
there that actually knows what she's saying in the song or
knows if it is truly like Yorba,but maybe.
Just she was. Using certain words that he was
not familiar with, but he said he did not know it.
So I don't know what the language is that she's speaking,
but Oh my gosh, sometimes I feellike when certain artists get in
(46:47):
the studio to record, like the Holy Spirit is just there with
you, right? And I can feel the presence, the
presence over this song. It is just on another level.
It's the beauty of it. And it kind of reminds me of
when I want to say it was one ofthe reggae artists.
I'm trying to remember who it was now.
It was not Elephant Man. It was another one that we know.
(47:08):
That's big. I don't know why his name is
escaping me right now, but this summer when he had the
criticisms for the Afrobeat artist talking about how you
know, they're not singing anything of substance.
And I'm like, dude, first of all, there's a language barrier.
The songs that have substance, you can't even understand it
because it's in a different dialect.
And I feel like this gospel songproves it again for me.
Like there's just something about when I hear are people
(47:31):
like singing in their mother tongue, It just does something
for me. There's another song that I have
that's a favorite of mine that'salso by an African artist.
I'll probably share that one next week.
But this one, Bola honor by SumiSola Agbi.
Oh my gosh, this song has been on my rotation.
(47:52):
I think I probably discovered itlike maybe during the summer of
this year, like late spring to summer.
And this song has been on repeatfor me at various times
throughout the year. It is phenomenal.
So those are my recommendations.As far as books, I am still
reading Yinka, where is your husband?
I told you guys. That book is so long.
That book is long. And have I made any progress
(48:13):
from last time when I recorded? No, because, you know, I'm
listening. Like I said, Kendrick's album is
there arresting me, and then Christmas music is arresting me
and I still have to listen to Whiskey album.
So Yinka, Where's Your Husband? Is still the book.
And it's probably going to be. The book riding me out to the
end of the year, but if you haveany recommendations, anything
you want me to read or whatever,message me or send me Adm.
(48:36):
I am definitely going to start making my list for next year.
There are certain books that I know I want to put on there to
be able to read. So those are my recommendations
for the week. I hope you guys are going to
have a lovely, lovely week. Enjoy this episode.
I am looking forward to recording the next one.
I'll probably do another recording here before I get
going with my weekend, but I hope you guys have a wonderful,
(48:59):
wonderful. Week, Welcome to a new month and
I will catch you guys on the next one.
Bye guys. You just finished an episode of
Banta with Tony. Did you like it?
I hope you had a great time and that you have some takeaways
from this episode. But before you go, I want to ask
(49:21):
you one thing and that is to share this episode or this
entire podcast with a friend, family member or acquaintance.
Because remember, when you have something good, you need to talk
about it, you need to share it, and you need to shout it from
the rooftops. So go on and let people know in
your life that you have this wonderful podcast that you would
like to share with them. I appreciate you.
I appreciate your time, your support and everything else in
(49:44):
between. And remember, if you do it, I
have to talk about it. Have a great week.
Welcome to Banta with Tony. Join me as I share stories about
motherhood, faith, life, love, and everything else in between.
I promise we'll also have some fun along the way, and I hope
that the time we spent together will end up being some of the
highlights of your week. Thank you for coming along.
(00:20):
Hello, hello, and welcome to another episode of Banta with
Tony. Before we get any further into
this episode, I'm just going to let you guys know right off the
bat, I've been a little under the weather, so it's probably
going to come through a little bit.
We'll see how well my editor does at editing this episode and
you might not even notice and maybe I had no reason to tell
you, but here we are now. I've been a little under the
(00:41):
weather. I got tested for COVID.
I got tested for what else? Just the flu.
Everything came back negative, but I have this cough and it
didn't start off as a cough. I had like a fever, everything
else, and then it kind of progressed into it.
And the only reason why I'm bringing it up here is because
even like talking on the mic, after a while I feel like I'm
going to cough. And I have my water, I have my
(01:02):
cough drops just in case. But just to give you a heads up.
You know I don't have COVID-19. Please please please please.
No COVID-19 over here just some respiratory thing and I am
taking some meds for that so it will be clear.
You know, the the sickness wanted to steal my fans given
but I didn't allow it. My family stepped in.
(01:25):
I didn't have to cook. Even though I still was being
the director and the CEO. I was still there telling them
how to do things, what to do. And in fact, I did get up and do
a few things here and there, which exhausted myself and made
me go back to lie down, which iswhat I should have been doing.
You know, pray for me, pray for me.
It's it's baby steps. It's baby steps.
Spirit of letting go needs to come over me fully, but I hope
(01:50):
everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving that you got to
spend some time with some loved ones, whether it's family,
friends, anywhere in between, and that you got to reflect on
your year and just got to, you know, just be grateful for what
you did get. Even if you don't have
everything this year, even if you're looking back, you know,
because this time of the year isusually like when we do our
reflections. But even if you're looking back
(02:11):
and you're like, oh, this didn'thappen, That didn't happen.
But I hope that you also took the time to count the blessings
that you do have. For me, it was like what, 2 or
what was it the tooth hands Givens ago I had surgery and
then I ended up going back into the hospital because I had a
fever. I had some kind of infection and
they were trying to trace it where what it was.
And that was the first holiday I'd ever spent at the hospital.
(02:35):
And I think ever since then, I've looked at the holidays
differently because I was like, Oh my gosh, I was at the
hospital for Thanksgiving. And there are people who have
gone through way more. Obviously, as a nurse, I get to
take care of people who have been in the hospital for what
seems like forever. It's just like one thing after
another. They go out, they come back in.
So just be grateful. You know, it's not easy.
(02:56):
I'm not saying that the year hasbeen perfect for a lot of us.
I'm sure people have had their rough patches, their highs,
their lows, but even in the times when they're difficult,
look for your blessings because they're there.
And I wouldn't sit here and speak about anything or talk
about anything that I haven't experienced myself.
I have experienced a rough year as well.
I've had some highs and I've hadsome lows.
(03:17):
And in those moments of the lows, I also have to remind
myself to stay grateful to focuson what I do have, not so much
on what I don't have, and to learn my limitations.
And you know, that's the beauty of like, you know, this faith
thing, knowing where I end and where I say, God, it's over to
you. You take it and you, you lead
with it. And then I'm just going to just
rest and learning to rest and learning that when I put things
(03:41):
in his hands, I say, OK, it's over to you that I truly let it
be over to him and just let him lead the way.
So that's my little spiel there for you.
As far as with Thanksgiving, I hope everybody stuffed their
faces well. Ah, this year we actually did a
very good job. We usually like overcook over
prepare. This year I felt like we
(04:01):
prepared just enough, like we had enough for leftovers for a
few days. But I think for the most part,
most of the stuff is gone. Maybe we only have like some
Turkey left and that's because we cut up the breast like kind
of thin so that the kids can useit for sandwiches and stuff.
And I say kids, but I've been having a Turkey sandwich every
day because that mug was good for the first time this year.
We did. My husband got a pellet grill.
So we actually cooked it on the grill this year.
(04:23):
And I don't see us cooking in any other way because we brined
it for a while and then we seasoned it with a lot of
butter, put the injector in there, got the juices in.
And that mug was like the most succulent Turkey I have ever
eaten. And then on the outside it was
nicely roasted. And then when it got inside, it
was just juicy and just it was abeautiful, beautiful one.
(04:44):
And we didn't do any of like thetraditional desserts.
We actually did French silk, which is my favorite dessert of
all time. It's literally just like this
crust, like this buttery crust that has chocolate mousse in the
middle. And then you have like whipped
cream on top. And sometimes you'll have like
shaved like chocolate on the topof it too.
We got it from members Mark, butit was too sweet.
(05:06):
It was too sugary. So I told the family, I said
next year I'm going to because Ihave a KitchenAid mixer.
You know, I bought it so that I can tell myself that I'm a
Baker, so I need to live up to my mixer.
So I told the family, I said, you know what?
Next year I'm going to make my own French Silk because it's my
favorite dessert and I feel likeI need to master it and I'm
going to do it so that it's not so sugary because the one we
(05:27):
bought from the store at some point just too sweet.
Like I just felt like I was justeating, like, you know,
diabetes. It was just too sweet.
But it didn't stop me. I still had, you know, one or
two pieces. I think we still have like half
of that pie left. But you know, I like that part
of this year that we didn't overcook.
We cooked just enough. We got to spend time with family
and it was a beautiful, beautiful Thanksgiving.
(05:50):
So I cannot wait for Christmas. I will not be sick like this.
I already have my tablescape plans.
Every time I have plan in Jesus name will come to pass.
In the name of Jesus, no weapon formed against me, no cough will
stop me, no sickness will stop me for my Christmas party.
We'll see, we'll see. You know, that is the hope.
So I hope everybody enjoyed their time that you got to spend
(06:12):
time with family, that you got to, you know, relax.
For some of us that rest was much needed.
You know, me being sick, it was actually a blessing in disguise.
I've been off of work for over aweek and it's been nice to just
relax. Like, at first I was like, what
the heck? And then I'm like, OK, I can
just lay here. I can just watch TV, you know, I
try to be offline a lot too. So I wasn't really online trying
(06:33):
to see like, what the latest stuff was happening.
I just wanted to be in the moment, spend time with my
family, recuperate, drink a lot of tea, spend time in thoughts,
writing, whatever it is, but nottoo much, like, online.
And I think it was beautifully accomplished.
So I loved it. Sometimes you get just what you
need. You don't even know that's what
you needed. You know something has to force
(06:53):
you to just sit your butt down somewhere.
Just have a seat. Have a seat and take a break.
Take a breather. And that's exactly what I
needed. So of course, you know, pop
culture was popping. Even though it was a break, it
was still popping. The 1st news that we all know,
Sir. Kendrick Lamar, Slayer of
careers, destructor of one. Aubrey released an album.
(07:18):
And it was a wonderful album andMan at the Garden has had me on
a choco dough. Please release me.
Release me. Man at the Garden has had me on
a chokehold. If you haven't listened to the
album yet, that song is like hisown rendition really, of 1 mic
(07:38):
by Nas. If you're a rap connoisseur, you
know rap music, whatever, you'regoing to know Nas, you're going
to know 1 mic. I mean, that was the song.
Like that was like on BT's 106 and Park what felt like 500.
Weeks. That was one of the songs for us
growing up here in the US. So if.
You know it, you know it. If you don't know it, go listen.
And when you listen. Listen to Kendrick's Man at the
(07:59):
Garden. It was beautiful.
It's like affirmations, like theI deserve it all part like,
yeah. And we do.
When I was listening to, I was just like, yes, you know,
everything coming to you. That's good.
That's great. So it just felt like when you're
reading affirmations to yourself, really.
But then at the end, I love the part that he kind of showed
because, you know, you get like this Zen feeling and everything
(08:20):
else throughout, like the beginning of the song and
whatever, and then it builds up,which is the cadence that one
mic follows as well. So at the end now, then he's
like the fact that there are even people out here that can
speak to these things, like he just got mad.
He got mad at the head. He said what he needed to say.
You know, he was trying to be Zen.
He reminds me of Real HousewivesWendy.
(08:41):
Yeah, he was trying to be Zen when?
But no, he could not be Zen whenhe tried, OK.
For 3/4 of the song, he was like, you know, I'm gonna keep
it cool. And then he's like, damn it,
He's like, forget it. I don't want to stay cool.
Like, no, the fact that you can even bring up these lames with
my name, and I'm just going to let you know it's just blood to
me. I can spit like OK.
(09:01):
Kendrick, calm down. Calm.
Down. But I felt every emotion.
I felt every emotion. The calmness.
Sometimes that's how it is. We want to be calm.
We want the affirmations. We know what we are reading with
all these good vibration. We want to vibrate higher.
You know, we want to be like Michelle Obama when they go low,
we want to go high. But sometimes, sometimes, you
know, you just, you got to go where they are, you got to meet
(09:22):
them where they are. You know, it's not every time
they're going low, you're going up.
No, no, no, no. Sometimes you don't got to go
high, you know, So, he said. You know what, I can go high.
But just so you know, I can alsotake it down to the trenches
down below. So yeah, that song was
beautiful. I think I was reading something
today that says that now it's like the biggest rap debut for
(09:42):
biggest rap album debut of the year.
Understandably so, because, I mean, we didn't even know he was
dropping next. I was like, did Kendrick drop
something? Luco WWW dropped an album and I
listened to like one freaking song and that was the song with
Ashake and I added it to my listbecause I love the song but my
husband was telling me he's likehe went back to his Yoruba
(10:02):
roots. I was like, OK, so I'm like
gearing up to listen to the Whiskey album, then Kendry come
out with Tabo and I have been listening to Kendrick's album.
So I need to go back and listen to Wiz Kids album because from
what I hear, it's a good effort.He goes back to his roots.
There's substance there. So I can't wait.
But the Ashaka song is really the only song from the Wiz Kid
album that I've heard. And I want to give him a fair
(10:23):
shake at my assessment because usually I'll go through a whole
album and then like I'll pick myfavorites.
Obviously very few people are ever going to get a listen out
of me and I like every single Dang song.
Maybe the closest one might havebeen Scissors album like when I
was like. Good, good, good.
But yeah, most of the time, likeI'll probably end up like like
maybe four or five songs in the whole album.
(10:44):
So we'll see. I'm excited for Whiz Kids album.
I just need to sit down and listen to it and I want to give
it a fair shake. So maybe I'll do it today, like
on my way to work and put that in and just listen and then
before you know it, I'm where I need to be.
So in the spirit of Salama, Sir Aubrey has decided that he
wanted to go ahead and sue saying that Not like us use bots
(11:08):
they paid to play yada yada. Woo woo.
He's calling fraud. He's calling fraud or not like
us. He was like, they don't even
really like it like that. You paid them to like that song
Stop playing. They were not vibing with not
like us like that. The funniest comment I saw
online was somebody said no, no,it won the Electoral College and
the popular vote. I was deceased.
(11:29):
I was like, Oh my God. I was like, no.
Hey, Aubrey. Aubrey OB OB you see.
Every time this man opens his mouth, he proves everything that
Kendrick is saying, right. First of all, your friends and
your friends, because they heardyou say that you were going to
go ahead and sue and do this thing and they thought what a
great idea. And then to any amount of St.
(11:51):
cred that you had left, any ounce of it?
Has now gone out the window because all everybody.
'S going to remember is that youare the one that lost a rap
battle that decided to end it with a lawsuit like my dude,
come on stop it. You could have been in the
studio already and I've written like a whole Dang album like
this man did and you could have just let your album speak for
(12:11):
yourself. That's not how we do it.
Oh my gosh, the whole song the not like us you just proved
everything right in one swoop like how do you are you even
fighting? Are you even have an opponent at
this point? You don't even have an opponent
because it's like he's probably looking back, like I don't even
have to do any work anymore. Like this dude is digging his
own hole, crawling it. I mean, at this point it's not
even fun for him anymore. I'm sure he's probably already
(12:32):
moved on because what? That's why even on his album he
had the Heart Part 6 because he's like, I'm going to take it
back because I don't know what it is that you did there.
I worked too hard for these series for me to just hand it
over to you with that stuff thatyou came out with that you
called The Heart Part 6. So I'm going to reclaim it back
and I'm going to talk about whatI want to talk about.
And that's actually like one of my favorite songs of his 2
(12:54):
outside of Man at the Garden, The Heart Part 6, like just
talking about, you know, all thepeople that were there for him
that helped him to get to where he's at.
In case you haven't noticed, I've transitioned.
I'm talking about Kendrick's album again.
But the Hard Part 6, I felt likeit was just a beautiful ode to
like everybody that helped him along his journey.
And you give me R&B and rap collaboration.
I'm a sucker for it so and that was just beautiful.
(13:15):
I was trying to figure out I waslike, who is it that sang this?
And I looked it up and they saidit was like SWV sample and there
was somebody else that sang that.
But she did such a beautiful job.
Whoever the artist was, it's a wonderful song.
I added it to my playlist for sure because obviously man in
the Garden, that was number one.But the hard part 6.
I love the song with Scissor. I think it's Luther.
(13:38):
Yes, love that one too. I'm trying to think of what else
off the top of my head that I added to my playlist, but it's a
great listen. GNX by Kendrick, if you haven't
listened yet, go ahead and listen.
And we are going to listen to the Whiskey album as well.
But Aubrey, please stop. Please, please, please, please.
And what he's accusing is what everybody does.
Everybody knows that the record companies pay like the radio
(13:59):
stations to play records. So you're not telling people
anything that you yourself at one point in your career you
have not done to promote your albums.
So why are you all up in arms and mad about it?
Because you feel like somebody else is doing it?
Or like it's just the insults. Like I heard so many people
saying like, OK, fine, we're going to run up the song again
so that he knows it's not bots. Like it's insults to the fan.
(14:19):
Because you're trying to tell usthat in no way that you guys
truly like the song. That's problematic, dude.
Did you not watch the July 4th concert where he, like,
performed that song like five times?
Like, stop it, my dude. Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Stop it, Aubrey, stop it. Go find a sweater to put around
your shoulder and go sit down. Just leave it alone.
Just stop, OK? At this point, he's buried
(14:41):
himself. I don't think there's anything
left to say with that whole thing.
I think he has put the nail in the coffin.
He put himself in the coffin, nailed it, put it down, had one
of his friends put some dirt on it at me.
He buried himself. He buried, he done.
That's cooked, as some people would say.
He's cooked. Let's see other pop culture.
(15:01):
I thought this was a cute littlestory.
Well, cute because I guess I'm aparent, so I can kind of
understand. But there was a story that just
kept popping up and all these different outlets picked it up.
But it was Cardi B pretty much like threatening her kids.
And I just thought it was funny because it kind of like led to
like what we talked about two episodes ago or the episode
before. We were talking about like kids
and having the boundaries with the iPads and all that stuff.
(15:22):
So she pretty much was threatening her kids saying that
if she did not get good reports when she went to those parent
teacher conferences that she wasgoing to break the iPads, throw
away the phones in the garbage and pretty much take away all
electronics. So she's like, I'm not that kind
of mom. I'm not playing.
And I think obviously like with Cardi B, like half the stuff,
(15:43):
like she's funny, she's hilarious.
So I'm sure she only means like half of it.
But it's just refreshing to see like her have like that kind of
take as, you know, being super involved and wanting obviously
the best for her kids. And like, look, you all ain't
going to have all these electronics because look, if we
don't get these grades. When I go to this parent teacher
conference, you already know when we were growing up, I don't
know about other people, but especially the African house.
(16:05):
So don't let them go in there and talk nothing else about you.
In fact, when they go in there black.
And why does she only have 98% in the class?
Did she miss an assignment that she did not talk?
I can't imagine they actually goto a parent teacher conference
that they're telling. Oh, by the way, Antonio was not
listening. Oh really?
So now you are the teacher Like oh, so now you know more than
(16:26):
the teacher. When the teacher is talking you,
you, we are sitting there because you too, you can talk.
You too. You have mouth.
So you too. When they talk 1 you talk one
they talk to you talk to When I actually learned.
Oh my gosh, I cannot. So Cardi has a little bit, you
know, of that fighting mom spirit in her.
So I love it more stories like that.
Even like 2 weeks ago, I think there was a story of, I think it
(16:48):
was Kim Kardashian and like her son posted something
inappropriate in regards to Kamala Harris.
That will be the totally different story.
But what I liked was she enforced what she had told him
before, which was if you say anything or do anything that I
do not approve of, I will take down your account.
And she sure did what she said she was going to do.
And I'm like, yes, I like that. OK, Kimmy, you go ahead, you
(17:10):
take that down. But it was good.
I was like, OK, OK, she said what she said.
And when he crossed that boundary, you know, cuz kids
will test you. Kids will always test you.
So she said what she said. And then when he crossed the
boundary, she had to live up to what she said.
And she, she did it in a heartbeat.
She said, I don't care about these accounts.
Sure, she sure it went and deleted that.
(17:30):
And you know, like I always say,kids need the structure.
So I'm here for it, you know, but but out of like all the
moms, like the Kardashian family, even back in the day
when I used to watch their show,I feel like Kim would be the
like the strictest 1. I feel like Chloe's like
probably maybe the most lenient one, but maybe things have
changed. I've not watched their show
recently, so I have no idea how she is now like as a mom of two.
(17:51):
But I always feel like even withher sisters, like does not play.
So if she doesn't play with her sisters, how old children, she's
probably like, no, what did I say?
What did I say anyways? Funny parenting stories for
those of us that can relate to that kind of stuff.
Like I said, a lot of craziness on the news.
(18:13):
There's certain things that are going on in the news that I will
choose not to talk about on my show because I like my piece,
because I don't want to be targeted by anybody in any way,
shape or form because I have enough of my own problems.
OK, so everything I talk about here is always going to be light
hearted conversations, conversations that are not like
too crazy, too deep. Certain subjects, I'm just not
(18:35):
going to touch it. And there are other things going
on in the news that I've noticedand I've seen and I have my
opinions, but I'm going to stay with myself because again, like
I said, I like peace in my life.I'm seeking peace.
I am peace and I will have peace, OK, And in order for me
to do that, there are certain things I will not touch, OK,
Absolutely. So I will not.
But anyways, I hope that everybody at some point at this,
(18:59):
at this stage of our lives, thatwe can all look at where we are,
especially given the fact that we are now in the last month of
the year. Those of you that are going back
home, please have mercy on the rest of us that are not.
IN2025I will not be left behind.Dirty December.
I must dirty it. I must rumble it.
(19:20):
I must over dirty it. But now that Dirty December 2024
is here and I'm not participating, For those of you
that are participating, please have mercy on us.
Don't overdo it if you're going,just go and enjoy yourself.
There's no need for you to be posting 5500 videos and pictures
for us so that we can be here and be thinking about the fact
(19:41):
that we're not back home. Please, please, please respect
yourself so that we can respect you.
I will still watch your stories.I will still watch.
I did not say I will not watch you.
I will still watch your stories.I will watch all of them.
If you post 500 videos, even as I'm complaining, I will still
watch all 500 and I will still like them and I will still enjoy
it. That's not the point.
The point is have mercy on us. Don't have such a good time Once
(20:02):
in a while I post yourself, that's in December.
I lost my purse. If you didn't even lose your
purse, make it up, you know, make up a story for us to feel
bad about, you know? So something, you know, I came.
The food was not even as best asit needed to be, even though you
know the food was good. Say something, help us out, help
be a team player. Don't be out here.
Everything is great, everything is fine.
(20:23):
Once in a while make up a story.I got robbed last night.
You didn't get robbed but just say it.
Oh my gosh. But anyways, it's dirty December
time. It's because of you people that
now want ticket to Lagos is costing people $3000.
Because of you people, you people cannot shut up your mouth
about. Good thing.
Before you guys came along, people used to go back home.
(20:45):
People used to go back home every year.
Then this new generation decidedthat they want to discover Dirty
December and not only did they discover it, they discovered it
and told their friends. Now people who are not even
African are participating Dirty December.
Why? And here we are now, 1 ticket is
costing us $500 million. And like I said, next year I
will not be left behind. I already know I'm going.
But since this is not next year,this is this year.
(21:07):
Please respect yourselves. Anyways, I can't wait for all
the videos. I can't wait for all the
pictures. It's going to be beautiful.
So usually this time of year, I'm sure everybody does the same
thing. I'm not saying anything prolific
here. It's the time for reflection.
So really this episode, I just wanted us to just kind of like
talk about celebrating our wins.That's the first thing, the
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lessons that we've learned, right?
Having gratitude and grace. So kind of like what I talked
about about Thanksgiving, like finding that blessing no matter
what is going on to having that.And I think the last thing is
looking ahead, like, you know, it's the last month of the year.
We're wrapping things up before you know it, New Year's is going
to be here. So this is kind of like just
what I wanted us collectively tobe doing this month.
(21:50):
So the first thing is celebrating your wins, right?
For us as moms, I think sometimes we don't see the
little wins like we only would see the big ones.
And so if you don't accomplish like the big things that are on,
you think, Oh my gosh, like whatdid I win at this year?
But my dear, showing up for yourfamily, that's a win.
Think about how many meals you cooked this year.
Think about how your family did not have to go without.
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They had everything that they needed.
You were there, you did all the laundry, you cooked the meals,
you showed up to activities and sports when they needed to
depend on you, when they forgot about a friend's birthday and
you had to go last minute and get a gift.
Like all the little ways that you have shown up as mom and
been that superhero to your family, that is a win.
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And don't forget that. And like I said, a lot of these
things that I'm sharing is for, you know, you guys, my audience.
But I can also relate because I've been there too, because
sometimes you're looking at everything.
For me, one of the things I should have had done this year
was to be done with school, But I had to adjust my schedule so
many times. There were times when I had to
stop taking classes. So I'm not achieving that goal
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this year. I'm still on my way to achieving
it, but it's not going to be done this year.
But it doesn't mean that I haven't accomplished other
things for me to feel great and grateful for, for how far I've
come. So it's looking for those little
wins. Like sometimes your win will not
look the way that you want it tolook.
So maybe you wanted to start a business and you were not able
to start it. Maybe you have a business, but
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certain things and your businessis not the way that you wanted
to be. But think about all the other
times, like when you showed up for your friends when they
needed you, when you showed up for strangers, when they didn't
even know, you know, who you were or how you were, you know,
going to to be there for them. But you did think about all the
little things. And if you feel like, Oh my
gosh, I haven't done this and I haven't done that.
Focus more on your wins. Focus more on the personal
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things. If you have even grown this year
as a person, that's a win. Like I said, I know there are
certain things I didn't accomplish this year.
I know I'm going a little off tangent here, but I had just
have to say it. A lot of times I'll bring up
like my husband in conversation,but it's not because I'm one of
those girls who's like just bragging all the time.
It's literally because he's likemy best friend.
He's like the person that I hangout with.
We joke around we have our this and that but.
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Like he's there with me and a lot of things because rightfully
so, I'm sharing a life with him.So it's not because I want to
bring him up every two minutes. That is not the case.
But anyways, back to like celebrating your win,
celebrating the little things that you are able to accomplish.
I was able to make a joke about something that in the past would
have been something that will betraumatic for me, but I would
have probably cried. But instead I made a joke and he
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just was like, you know what, that's a sign that you've healed
a lot. And I was like, you know what,
you're right. Like the fact that I can joke
about that, that means I've healed in that way.
So for me, a win this year is being able to talk about certain
things that have been traumatic for me, but I'm able to like be
on the other the side of it and joke about it and laugh about
it. And I think that's just a sign
of how far I have come in my healing.
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So my healing this year for me has been a win, healing from
hurts in the past, letting go ofcertain things and being brave
enough to, you know, sometimes even give people in a chance in
a way that I've been hurt in thepast.
So I'm just saying for you, takethis time to acknowledge the
things in your life that it's been a win.
And maybe you won in the ways that you anticipated.
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Maybe there are goals you set for yourself this year and you
did accomplish them. That's great.
But in just in case there are goals that you have set, you
have not accomplished them, you have not met them.
All you have to do is just take a moment to actually see other
things that you were able to do.And that goal that you have,
maybe it's just going to be a multi year goal.
Like for me, I know for sure my aim to crush the goals that I
didn't meet this year and next year.
So I know it's going to happen. That's what I will encourage you
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as well, you know, for you to kind of reflect.
What are some of the moments foryou this year that you're proud
of? How are the ways that you have
shown up for yourself? How are the ways that you have
shown up for your family and foryour friends and how do you
balance all these things and just start listening and you'll
be amazed at all the things thatyou have done.
Like the way we're tuned sometimes as human beings is
that we don't see those little things with the mundane things,
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the everyday things, it's. Easy for us to take it for
granted and focus on the one bigthing that you didn't get to
accomplish or maybe a few thingsthat you didn't get to do and
then you miss all these other things that you did.
So it's been a hard lesson for me and I'm hoping that I can
help anybody out there that struggles with that, like for
you to find your wins because I promise you they are there.
And then the next thing is like the lessons learned.
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So even in those tough times, even in the times that have
tried us the most, you know, it's time for us to like sit
back, evaluate, okay, what are the things that I did to lead to
the hardships that I experienced?
And how can I change it? How can it shape me in my
journey, whether as an individual, as a mom, as a
partner, a friend, What is it? What are those times teaching
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me? So my biggest thing this year,
even though I'm sick right now, like I said, but I still showed
up again, the biggest thing for me this year is learning how to
show up for myself no matter what is happening around me.
That has been a lesson that has been a long time coming for me.
I used to be the type of person like if something terrible is
happening with a family member of mine is going to distract me.
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It's going to affect me so much that even the things I need to
do to show up for the people that are like closest to me,
like my family, my kids, my husband, you know, it's going to
affect me to be able to do that.And for me at this point in my
adult life is the first time that no matter what is happening
around me, all hell can be breaking loose.
Everything can be falling apart.And I will have my moment where
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I need to like, you know, regroup and get back together.
But I'm learning the art of like, I got to keep moving.
I got to keep going. I got to keep showing up for my
family. I got to keep showing up for
myself. And that took me a long time to
learn that lesson. I think it's because I'm such a
person, like I feel emotion so deeply that things will just
happen. And I just have the type of life
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like where it's like something'salways going on.
And so having to learn how to like compartmentalize, carry the
things that are meant for me to carry, but don't carry
everything because I didn't create every problem.
So I don't need to carry every problem because it's not mine to
carry in the 1st place. Learning that right?
Again, that's probably a byproduct of me going to
therapy, but just learning how to let go.
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Show up regardless. No matter what is happening.
Showing up like that has been like the biggest thing.
Just show up. Good, bad and different other
just show up. That has been the biggest lesson
for me this year. And when I had to look back at
certain times when I didn't accomplish certain things or
things didn't pan out for me theway I wanted them to, one of the
hard lessons of honesty that I needed to have with myself was
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okay. It's not because life was easy.
It was hard, but I stopped showing up.
I stopped doing the work. I stopped being there for
myself. Like showing up for myself,
showing up for those around me. I stopped.
And so for me now, it's learningthat no matter what is
happening, no matter what is going on, it doesn't mean I
block things out, doesn't mean Idon't feel my emotions.
I still do. But knowing when to feel it,
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when to leave it alone, when to walk away.
Because guess what? I still need to be there for my
family. I still need to be there for my
loved ones and that's why this conversation is good for us to
have it now because it's in the beginning of the year.
So maybe over the next couple weeks, as you know, we're
celebrating the holidays and we're getting ready to wind down
the year. It will be something for you to
sit with yourself and say, okay,what are the lessons that I've
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learned this year? And how is it that in the tough
times, like I have also played arole in my suffering?
Because it's always easy for us to just think about all the
things that people do to us and how they treated us wrong and
what they did that was bad. It's a whole nother ball game to
sit down there and to say, OK, how have I played a role in this
thing? That's like a cancer to me.
You know, I have accepted certain things or I have, you
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know, been comfortable in toxicity and, you know, looking
at the role that you play in things as well and being honest
with yourself. It's taken me a long time in my
adult life to learn. And I feel like this year was
like. The first time that I truly
mastered it and it was really through practice.
Like they say it all the time, you're not going to learn
certain things if you don't put them into practice.
This is one of them. Like that showing up part.
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If that's the same thing for you, where they like man, you
know, things just happen to me and when they happen, it pushes
me back that I'm not able to be present.
I'm not able to be there for theones I love and everything else.
If that's the same thing for you, it just takes practice.
Find that thing like maybe for you might be studying.
You thinking, man, I've been trying to get my degree.
I've been trying to get my bachelor's degree for what seems
(30:08):
like 10 years. But every time I try to study in
class, something is happening. And guess what?
Things are going to keep happening.
So what you have to tell yourself is, OK, how is it that
when things happen, I can still feel them.
I can still be there for my loved ones, but I still have to
make sure I put my priority first that I'm going to get this
thing done because that's the goal I have set for myself.
And how am I going to keep on showing up?
And that's why this time is so important.
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So I ask you, what was your hardest lesson that you have
learned this year? How did the challenges, how did
the things that you do, how did they shape you as a person?
As a mom, I can tell you now, the person that I was in the
beginning of the year, I'm not that same person right now where
I'm standing at today. I feel like I see life
differently in certain ways. There are certain things I've
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decided to set down. There are certain ways I've
decided to create boundaries formyself.
Everything is not the way it used to be and it's not even
something that I was aware of. It's just something that just
happened as I was growing, as I was getting stronger in certain
areas, and like I'm saying, likepracticing certain things, it
just became better. So if we do a recap, reframing
what you consider to be failures, pay attention to your
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wins. List your wins out.
I don't care if you did your makeup three days out of the
week this year and the other, you know the other what, 4 you
were looking at hot mess. Hey, that's three days of you
putting up makeup and looking good and going out.
That's an accomplishment. So reframing what you think
failure is and looking for your wins.
And then two, the lessons that you learn and being honest with
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yourself as to the roles that you have played in your own,
like infliction of pain. Sometimes that is important.
The next one that we kind of talked about already in some
capacity is this idea of gratitude and grace.
So this word gratitude I've had a history with.
There was a time I wrote an article because I felt like as
black people and as just people of African descent, people in
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diaspora, that sometimes we are asked to be only grateful and
nothing else. And I think if somebody does not
know who I am, then you miss it because then you think that I'm
saying that we should not be grateful.
We should always be grateful. But I didn't like the way when I
was looking around in the media,how gratefulness was being
weaponized. And it was only mentioned when
it came to us. It was a way to use to, like,
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shut people up. Like that idea.
Like, you should be grateful that you're just even in the
room. You should be grateful that
you're just here. And it's like, well, yeah, we
should all feel that way. But it shouldn't just be how I
should feel because I'm a personof color or, you know, I'm a
person from a certain background.
Like, no, everybody should have gratitude.
If you're John Smith, you shouldhave gratitude.
If you're Tywil Smith, you should have gratitude.
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We all should have gratitude. So we're not just going to say
it's just one person because it's another way of, like, the
subjugation of people, right? Just saying that only a group of
people like you should always just be grateful.
You should just be even gratefulyou're invited.
And well, yeah, you should be grateful you're invited too.
We should all be grateful. You should not think that it
should be given to you. And if we're all on that same
page, then we know what we're talking about here.
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So for me, whenever I see the word gratitude being used, like
whether it's online or whatever,sometimes I get weary of it
because I'm aware of the fact that sometimes it's a double
edged sword. Sometimes it's another tool of
manipulation that is used to suppress a group of people
because it's telling them like they have no choice but to
experience only that one emotion.
And then it shows up in so many ways, like when I wrote that
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article. I wish I had saved it when I had
written it at the time. And writing is one of those
things I will get back to next year in 2025.
But that was the battle that wasfighting there with that, I feel
like true. Gratitude for something or for
someone. It's sometimes like even in the
most like mundane things, right?Like I'm grateful for you the
way I know I'm grateful for you.Your relationship that you have
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with me or the space that you hold in my life is that
sometimes I pray for you. Like it's such a personal thing,
right? Like sometimes you come to my
head. I don't know how many times it's
even been times like when it's not even somebody that I'm even
talking to anymore. We're not in good terms or
something, but they come to my spirit and I'm like, you know
what? Let me pray for that person.
They came to my mind for a reason.
So I'm going to pray about it. Like I'm grateful for your
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relationship. I'm grateful for your
connection. I'm also obedient that even when
something comes up to me that says, you know, pray about this
individual, pray about this person.
I can put aside whatever it is that I'm feeling or whatever I'm
going through to just, you know,be in submission like that.
That's a whole nother story for a whole nother day.
But it's a different. Ways I feel like for me that
shows me like somebody that's grateful for life or grateful
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for what they have, grateful fortheir loved ones.
It's like a calmness in the spirit.
It is like I said in the little things is how they speak about
the individual and trust me, is there even when that person is
not there, like when that individual is not even present.
Anybody can sing praises to somebody in their face, but even
when they're not there that you speak so highly of them and then
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you're like, man, this is just somebody I'm just grateful to
have in my life. Like I don't know how else to
put it, but I can sense when it's like a fake or a false
humility or false appreciation, like when it's not genuine.
And we probably all can, maybe some of us have just done a
better job of like explaining itaway.
But I feel like gratitude, learning to be grateful for what
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you do have and then giving yourself grace, grace, grace,
grace. I have had to learn that too
over the last couple years. Like, I think I'm gracious.
I will be the person. I will make up all the 500
million excuses for somebody. Somebody will have bad behavior.
And I'll be like, well, they're going through a tough time.
Oh, this is happening. But then I found out that when
it came to myself, I didn't giveas many excuses.
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I'll be like, well, why didn't Ido this?
How could I have missed that? Like, you know, and I'm like, if
I get 55 excuses to that person,I can give myself 55,000,000
excuses too. And I urge any of my readers
that are the same way, that the same grace I extend to others,
extending it to myself. You know, sometimes it's almost
like it's kind of like our culture too, like some of our
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African cultures, because obviously all of us as Africans,
we're not all the same. We're not all monolithic people.
But for some of our African cultures, like it's just
especially as women within the African culture, we're taught
to, you know, give more of ourselves and the standards, as
we can see sometimes for men andwomen, it's not even the same.
So over time, it's like, what are we being taught about grace
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and what that looks like? Because you have the same women
who can probably be torturing another woman, right?
But they can give grace to a man, but that same grace they
cannot give to another woman, and neither can they give it to
themselves. These are all the different
things that as we're coming to the end of the year, just think
about it. How are the ways that you show
gratitude in your life? How are the ways that you show
grace to yourself, to others, and our view been programmed by
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society, by certain things that you decide that, oh, these
people get more grace and I don't give as much grace to
these people. And maybe you don't even realize
it for yourself, but sit down and ask yourself, you know, when
somebody makes me mad, if that person is a male, do I treat
them differently than if I do when they're female?
And ask yourself and truly be honest, think about it.
And then the last part is looking ahead.
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So planning, right? And that's why it's so important
that we do it earlier in the year, that we don't wait till
the last second of 2024 to be like, OK, am I planning looking
ahead? What are the things that you
want to let go of next year? You know, you always think
planning ahead, like, OK, I wantto accomplish this, I want to
accomplish that. But what are the some of the
emotional things for you too? I have ideas.
I have certain things in my headthat I know next year I don't
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want to be dealing with this anymore.
I want it to be better. And the way it gets going to be
better, it's going to start withme.
So the same thing for you, I'll urge you in your life, what are
the things you want to let go ofnext year?
What are the things you want to embrace?
What are the things you want to prioritize?
One of the things I've been saying, and I'm already setting
the things in motion for it is my health.
When I had this respiratory infection, again, it's not the
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first time at the end of the year that I've had a respiratory
infection. So to me, it tells me that
there's certain habits and certain things that I'm doing as
far as with my body that like that.
So that was the end of the year.It's like I have nothing left,
no gas left in the tank. So for me, it's like, what are
the hell things? What are the things as far as
with rest that I'm going to implement throughout the year,
whether it's a quarterly thing, you know, something that I'm
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going to like, put it in the forefront and prioritize it so
that by the time December comes,November comes, I'm not so
exhausted. My body is not so worn out that
I can easily, you know, get these respiratory infections
that I tend to get around this time of the year.
Because for me, it's just a signthat I've probably worked my
body too hard and I've done so much better with like rest and
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with self-care. But obviously it's an area that
I still need to keep improving. Like I was just joking about
with, you know, during Thanksgiving, but still learning
that the show will go on really understanding that you're
important, but you're not that important.
If something happens to you today, I promise you, the
company you're working for, I don't know how much they've told
you how important you are and you probably are important.
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But when they need to move on, if something happens to you
today, they're going to say, youknow what?
She was a great worker. He was a great worker.
We appreciate all her years of service.
Here's some money towards your family and they're going to go
ahead and hire somebody new on Monday or promote somebody else
to your position. So you're important, but you're
never that important. So put yourself 1st and don't
ever get caught up in the hype of life and what people on the
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outside will think or what people want on the outside might
say to you, how they're gassing you up and making you feel some
kind of way. We're all important, but you're
not that important in the grand scheme of things.
So being realistic with yourself, what are your goals?
What are your capacities? That's a big one.
Knowing what I'm capable of, knowing where my limitations
are, accepting them, being honest with myself, knowing
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that, OK, sometimes I can be tough to be in a relationship
with because you know what, I take things a certain way.
So how am I going to work on that?
What are the things I'm going totake to kind of check myself?
Maybe I have somebody in my lifethat can help me balance things
out so that I can go back to them and be like, well, this
person said this or this person made me feel some kind of way.
What do you think? What is your perspective?
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How do you see things right? But it's first being honest and
then you take your step forward to say, OK, how am I going to
improve or what am I going to do?
So that's my challenge to you, especially for us as women, what
are the things that you're goingto let go of next year?
Girl, you can't carry it all. You can't have it all, you can't
lead it all, you can't be the pro at everything.
So what are some things that you're going to put down?
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They're going to say, this is not for me anymore and I'm not
carrying it with me and I'm letting it be in 2024.
Start deciding, you know, it might be one thing and that's
fine, but what is one thing you're going to let go of in
this year? And then what are the plans?
Because it's one thing to want it, right?
But then come up with a plan. What are the active things
you're going to do into your life?
So if you have said, you know what, I'm leaving gossip behind
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in 2024, I'm no longer going to be talking about people and
their business or whatever, thenyou got to know the friend
that's a trigger for you. You got to know, OK, this
person, whenever they call, we talk about people.
So when they call them, they start talking about people.
What are the things that I'm going to put into place so that
we don't have this conversation?We don't go back to those old
ways. And then you communicating with
that individual even. So I noticed that we tend to do
this and I'm not saying that it's all on you, but I'm saying
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I want to change. So when you bring that
conversation, letting that person be aware so they know
when you bring up that conversation, I'm not going to
be doing this with you anymore, OK?
Because I'm leaving that behind.And then how are you actively
going to work towards achieving that thing?
And what are the things that you're going to prioritize?
You know, for us as women, sometimes it might be a couple
things, but you know, like I said, for me it's health, but
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for you maybe it's something else.
So you sit in your quiet moment and decide those things.
And I think we will be off to a great 2025 because we're not
going to wait till December 31stto do this.
We're going to do it now in the beginning of December as the
month is starting, as we're getting to go towards the end of
the year so that we're ready so that we can, you know, have a
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vision board for next year that we have some of these things on
there. And we've already thought about
it and we already have a plan. Like for me, when it comes to my
health, I'm already making thosechanges.
Like I'm trying to eat more protein, low carbs.
So I'm already starting to make some of those changes.
I'm trying to cut back on my dairy because I know it leads to
inflammation for me. So yogurt is one of my big
things that I love. And now I'm for the most part
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eating non dairy yogurts. So it will be coconut milk,
almond milk, whatever other alternative but cutting out as
much dairy. The only thing I still do is
cheese and that's because I always tried vegan cheese below.
I cannot, I can't man should notleave by vegan cheese alone.
So they'll probably still be like one or two things that I
cannot change out because I justdon't like the way the vegan
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options change. But for the most part I'm trying
to work on that. So like my health thing is like
a multi step thing. I'm now working out pretty much
every day doing some form of exercise, except for this week
when I was sick, the only thing I could do is meditate.
But, you know, think of the things that you can even start
to implement now. Don't have to wait for the
beginning of the year, next year.
But these are decisions. Once you've sat down with
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yourself and you've thought about these things and you've
figured them out, then it's like, OK, how can I even start
implementing them now? I don't need to wait for next
year, but I want you guys to remember you've done a lot this
year. You've accomplished a lot this
year. Your kids, you raised kids.
To see another year, that's a blessing.
That is a beautiful thing. Some of you guys even give birth
to children this year. That is a win.
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That is a blessing. You gave birth to kids.
Your journey of, you know, becoming a mother has not been
easy, but you did it. So there's so much for us to
remember as moms of what this year has brought for us.
You are strong, you're loved, your life is lovely.
Remember that, You know, becausemy handle on my other account
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is, again, remember, lovely Tony.
But your life is still lovely. Even in all the chaos, even with
all the kids and this issue and drama and da da da da, it's
still a beautiful, beautiful life.
And I hope that you have a wonderful time reflecting on
what your year has been, that you make some great plans for
yourself, that you take some time to think about your next
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year and be intentional. And we're going to do it
together. I'm doing the same thing too on
this end. So let's be intentional about
our next year and how we are going to accomplish it step by
step. You got this, Mama.
All right, so it's time to pick the song of the week.
Well, the songs of the week. So my worldly.
I need to find another title forthis I feel like.
(44:12):
You know, music is just music, you know?
I know I'm joking whenever I sayworldly because that's what my
mom used to say. But anyways, my song of the
week, my regular one is by Asha Keh, and it's called.
Oh yeah. Oh my gosh.
So back in the day when I used to have my blog, I remember one
of my favorite interviews that Iever did was with DJ Cuppy.
(44:34):
And at the time, I asked her on there about like, mixing EDM
music and Afro beats together because like, Afro beats makes
me so happy. EDM music makes me so happy.
So I'm like, you know, have you guys ever thought about
combining the two since you werea DJ, You know?
So when I saw Ashaki in concert this summer, if you have not
gone to his concert yet and it'scoming close to you, I advise
(44:57):
you to go. Like, his showmanship is top
tier. I loved it so much.
I will go again if somebody elseis paying, if somebody else is
gifting me, you know, you want to give me a Shaka tickets, who
am I to stop you in your gracious gifted?
But yes, I would definitely go again if I was given the
opportunity to. But when he performed this
(45:18):
particular song, he got on the turntables and he did it and it
was just phenomenal. So by a Shaka, it's the mixture
of the two things I love. And when I heard it, I was like,
yeah, that's it. The way it builds the, Oh my
gosh, the momentum untouched, untouched.
Nothing like kids. Nothing like kids.
You're not going to hear anything else like it around
(45:40):
here. So that is my first choice.
And then, you know, we always have to give you gospel because
in these times, you know what times we're in, we need the
favor of God, His hands on us before we go out, when we're
coming in, in the middle of our day, anytime, you know, because
it's crazy out here. It's crazy.
So my gospel song for this week,this one, if you have followed
(46:03):
me on any social media, you're going to know this one is there.
OK, When I heard her voice, I feel like it was meant for this
song. Her voice is just beautiful.
So it is Sumisola agbebi. OK.
And the song is Bola, which I guess translate to honor.
I'm not sure if it's Yorba because I have a Yorba friend.
(46:23):
When he came, he said he loves his song too, but he said he
could not understand it. So I don't know if it's like a
sub dialect of the Yorba language, if somebody that's out
there that actually knows what she's saying in the song or
knows if it is truly like Yorba,but maybe.
Just she was. Using certain words that he was
not familiar with, but he said he did not know it.
So I don't know what the language is that she's speaking,
but Oh my gosh, sometimes I feellike when certain artists get in
(46:47):
the studio to record, like the Holy Spirit is just there with
you, right? And I can feel the presence, the
presence over this song. It is just on another level.
It's the beauty of it. And it kind of reminds me of
when I want to say it was one ofthe reggae artists.
I'm trying to remember who it was now.
It was not Elephant Man. It was another one that we know.
(47:08):
That's big. I don't know why his name is
escaping me right now, but this summer when he had the
criticisms for the Afrobeat artist talking about how you
know, they're not singing anything of substance.
And I'm like, dude, first of all, there's a language barrier.
The songs that have substance, you can't even understand it
because it's in a different dialect.
And I feel like this gospel songproves it again for me.
Like there's just something about when I hear are people
(47:31):
like singing in their mother tongue, It just does something
for me. There's another song that I have
that's a favorite of mine that'salso by an African artist.
I'll probably share that one next week.
But this one, Bola honor by SumiSola Agbi.
Oh my gosh, this song has been on my rotation.
(47:52):
I think I probably discovered itlike maybe during the summer of
this year, like late spring to summer.
And this song has been on repeatfor me at various times
throughout the year. It is phenomenal.
So those are my recommendations.As far as books, I am still
reading Yinka, where is your husband?
I told you guys. That book is so long.
That book is long. And have I made any progress
(48:13):
from last time when I recorded? No, because, you know, I'm
listening. Like I said, Kendrick's album is
there arresting me, and then Christmas music is arresting me
and I still have to listen to Whiskey album.
So Yinka, Where's Your Husband? Is still the book.
And it's probably going to be. The book riding me out to the
end of the year, but if you haveany recommendations, anything
you want me to read or whatever,message me or send me Adm.
(48:36):
I am definitely going to start making my list for next year.
There are certain books that I know I want to put on there to
be able to read. So those are my recommendations
for the week. I hope you guys are going to
have a lovely, lovely week. Enjoy this episode.
I am looking forward to recording the next one.
I'll probably do another recording here before I get
going with my weekend, but I hope you guys have a wonderful,
(48:59):
wonderful. Week, Welcome to a new month and
I will catch you guys on the next one.
Bye guys. You just finished an episode of
Banta with Tony. Did you like it?
I hope you had a great time and that you have some takeaways
from this episode. But before you go, I want to ask
(49:21):
you one thing and that is to share this episode or this
entire podcast with a friend, family member or acquaintance.
Because remember, when you have something good, you need to talk
about it, you need to share it, and you need to shout it from
the rooftops. So go on and let people know in
your life that you have this wonderful podcast that you would
like to share with them. I appreciate you.
I appreciate your time, your support and everything else in
(49:44):
between. And remember, if you do it, I
have to talk about it. Have a great week.
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