Soft Life, Hard Boundaries

Season 2: Episode 11 - Soft Life, Hard Boundaries

In this episode, Toni shares her pop culture picks of the week from insights on the movie Blink Twice to Meghan Markle’s new show With Love, Meghan, sparking a conversation on her love for hosting and the importance of Black women’s representation in media.

The main topic is all about embracing the soft life finding joy, creating ease, and rejecting unnecessary stress while maintaining hard boundaries. Toni breaks down key areas where boundaries matter: at work, with family, friends, social media, and even screen time. Her reminder? Don’t feel guilty for protecting your peace. That’s the key to living the soft life you deserve.

As always, she concludes the show with her "Book of the Week" selection, alongside her weekly picks for gospel and secular music. This thoughtful mix provides listeners with the perfect soundtrack and inspiration to carry them through the hustle and bustle of life.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to Banta with Tony. Join me as I share stories about
motherhood, faith, life, love, and everything else in between.
I promise we'll also have some fun along the way, and I hope
that the time we spent together will end up being some of the
highlights of your week. Thank you for coming along.

(00:21):
Hello and welcome to another episode of Banta with Tony.
Hope everybody is having a greatweek.
Another week has come upon us. At this point I don't know when
episodes are coming out so I'm just recording, but hopefully it
will come out on a Friday and you'll be able to enjoy this and
leading up to your weekend. So what have the people been up

(00:41):
to? In my little part of the world,
I got back into The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
That came back on. It was good fun.
I actually caught up on all fourepisodes, so I was 4 episodes
behind. So I'm all caught up now.
Chances are I'll probably keep on catching up, like in chunks.
I like doing little runs like that where I just kind of watch
a bunch of episodes all in one and I don't know.

(01:04):
I'm not too sure. I know.
I think FITR is going to come back later on this season and
obviously a lot of the OG's are gone.
So it's just different. It's a different vibe.
I think the girls do bring a different vibe, different kind
of story. It is good that they have some
anchor women. So like, you know, Portia is
still going to be there and likeI said, Phaedra is coming back.

(01:25):
Cynthia has kind of like been like a friend of the show I
guess. She's not really a full time
cast member. And so far Kenya is on there,
but I think she's not going to make it all the way through the
season. And you know, Kenya Moore's
shady antics are fun. Kenya has always been shady.
Kenya is always going to do shady things.
They're entertaining because I have seen some videos online

(01:46):
where people like, you know, she's always been made to be the
villain. I think that's just the role
like she likes to play. That's kind of like how things
kind of panned out for her. And I think she herself feeds
into it. I do think the show does a good
balance of showing like her multi facetedness.
So you get to see Kenya being shady, Kenya going after people.
Kenya will push buttons. But then like when they show her

(02:06):
with her daughter, which is likemy favorite part of when I see
Kenya, it's like life is a balance.
Like, yeah, she might be, you know, a little shady person over
here doing shady things, But there are people in her life who
love her. There are things outside of the
show that most likely brings herjoy.
People get to see other sides ofher.
Like I always say with these reality shows, they are a
reality, but they are also a show.

(02:29):
So they are engineered by people.
Storylines are created to keep you as the viewer engaged, to
keep you invested. So just always remember, like
somebody might hate their guts on a TV show, but they might be
best friends in real life. So it's like for us to always
keep that in perspective. So on the shows, just like how
you like the Disney movies, you're going to have, you know,
the antagonist, you're going to have the person that you love to

(02:51):
hate, you're going to have, you know, that's all just like basic
plot of any kind of storytelling.
So I think reality shows are no different.
Like you need to have the personthat you love to hate.
And I think she has played that role well and she likes it.
Like she has fun in poking at people and playing at people.
So the latest episode I watched the, I don't even know her new
name. I think it's Britt.

(03:12):
The New Girl made some threats about, oh, she was going to have
a gun. She doesn't play that and blah,
blah, blah. And again, we don't see
everything that happens. So I don't know how they edited
it. Maybe there was something else
that Kenya had said or done because it wasn't clicking for
me. I was just like, how did we get
here? I'm like, how did we get here?
How are we now shooting people? And all she did was make one

(03:32):
little comment. So, you know, she might have
been boiling. And, you know, we've all been
there where you're simmering a little bit.
You're simmering a little bit. And then next, you know, a full
boil comes on and now you're going over the pot.
So maybe Kenny has been poking at her and saying things and
saying things because everybody else is like, dude, it's not
even that serious. But clearly it was serious
enough to her. So that's that.
What did I watch? Oh my freaking gosh, I watch

(03:55):
Bling twice. Oh my gosh, Like I already knew,
like, OK, it's not what I'm going to expect da da, da da.
But like nobody could have gotten me ready for what that
movie was. And then I did not like the
ending because then I feel like she became part of the whole
system. I don't want to spoil it for
anybody that hasn't watched it. So if you haven't watched it,

(04:16):
then click off. Well forward.
Please don't click off. And I need you to listen all the
way through. Before that, I saw Blink twice
and I was just like, OK, this isreal stuff that happens.
Like Zoe Kravitz, I thought it was a good, I think she wrote it
and produced. So wrote, produced and directed.
So it was like her directorial debut.
And clearly, given who she is and how close she would have

(04:38):
been to these inner circles of Hollywood, I'm sure a lot of
what she was writing, yes, it was fiction, but it was probably
loosely based off of her life inHollywood.
She wouldn't have to look too far to come up with these
stories because this stuff is real, especially given the
climate of everything that's coming out these days that
you're like, yeah, people are here doing weird stuff.
I don't want to spoil it. But just the fact that even took
us what, like I would say 75% into the movie for her to even

(05:00):
realize that she had already been there before and when
things started unraveling and the lady with the snakes and you
know, like, it was definitely like a horror kind of movie,
like mixed with suspense. I don't even know what genre
that is. I couldn't even put a label on
it. But I think the ending I just
didn't like I wanted her to do what she did as far as like, OK,

(05:22):
his place burned down and he gotwhat he got.
And then we should have just left it there.
But now all of a sudden, like she's married to him.
Like, hello, you know, that's the part that I just felt like
it was like now typical Hollywood.
I felt like she was telling likea true real story.
And then somewhere it's like she's like, OK, let me reel it
back in a little bit. Or maybe truly it is telling
like the story. Like there will be people who

(05:42):
will go out, right? This is the way.
I've not even thought about it yet until now.
I'm as I'm processing it, 'causelike I'm telling you, like, I
was like, I need a moment to process this movie.
Maybe what she was trying to tell there is that sometimes
people go into things with good intentions, right?
So clearly this was her second time not going on the island.
She went there to kind of hopefully put an end to this
stuff. But it's like sometimes you go

(06:05):
in with the intention of like cleaning things up or calling
people, putting the fire to people's feet, calling them out
on bad behavior or whatever. But you can also not easily
become part of that whole thing because she's now going to, I
guess, in some ways dish out justice.
But when you think about it, Claire, she probably like doing
stuff to him too. Like he's a little scared.

(06:26):
At the end there, he was a little scared.
Like she got married to him. He seems a little afraid.
So to some degree it's almost like she's going to be a version
of him probably even times 10. But now it's going to be like,
oh, what are we doing here? Because if it's going to be the
women, like if she creating a thing where like the women are
now going to kind of do the samething that the men we're doing
now, is she any better? So there's so much.

(06:46):
And maybe that's why the ending that was picked was picked, is
that sometimes the people who goin with the best intentions that
think, oh, I'm going to come in here, I'm going to fix things,
I'm going to call people out, I'm going to do this and I'm
going to do that. If you're not careful, sometimes
you can end up becoming part of the same ecosystem that you feel
like you're trying to break thatyou're trying to change.
And then what? Because this is just a version
of what was there before times 2.

(07:08):
And maybe being from Hollywood, being from that space, like
maybe that's something she has seen a lot where it's like
people want to change this system, but you that might have
good intentions when you come in, you end up becoming a part
of the system yourself or creating some kind of other
version of it. But it's not any better than
what was there before. So maybe that's why the ending

(07:28):
was the way it was, because I was just like, why?
Like, why would you marry the person that was doing all those
stuff? Like absolutely not.
Even if you're torturing him, Like, why?
What's even the purpose of that?Or maybe I'm just in a state of,
I don't know, I've moved too much in my life to want revenge
for people that I'm just like, what is the point?
But that's what I didn't get about the ending.
But now that I thought about it,maybe that's the message she's

(07:49):
trying to tell there, that thereare lots of people with good
intentions that go in, that try to fix things, that try to say,
oh, I'm calling this out and this is unacceptable and that.
But if you don't watch out, you yourself in your quest of trying
to create this altruistic society, these things that you
say, OK, the things that I valueand these things are terrible
and which they were. But if you don't watch out, if

(08:10):
you're just going after just like the revenge part of it just
to get back. And you're just as, yeah, yeah,
you can become part of the system even if you tell
yourself, well, I'm not doing exactly what they're doing.
But in some ways you're like, you're kind of upholding that
same madness, craziness. So I'm going to go with that.
Maybe that's the message she wastrying to send there.
And then I love the fact that inthe movie, that character, the
male character who I guess he was like the only one of the men

(08:33):
who used the perfume, too. So then he forgot a lot of
times, like what they were doing, he didn't do anything.
So his character never did anything.
His character never harmed any of the women.
His character never did that, but he would spray the perfume
to and forget. So I love the fact of the movie
that they said it in there like you didn't do anything.
It was Shannon Tatums character that was like, you didn't do

(08:55):
anything, but you're just as bad.
And I think that story had to betold because sometimes we forget
that like, well, I'm not the onethat did this, so I'm not the
one that did that. So my hands are clean.
But it's like when you witness something that's been done
that's wrong or somebody around you doing something that you
don't necessarily agree with. Sometimes your silence is a
message that you're sending. Sometimes your silence is given
a voice to a side. So I think that I love that part

(09:17):
of the movie because it's like letting you know you can't exist
in the spaces. So like if you went to any of
these like Hollywood parties, aswe're hearing all these crazy
stories now and you're like, well, I didn't participate in
anything. I saw some things like maybe I
heard of all these things. Like some of these people now
that are on the news. There have been stories for
years. You're like, we heard about
these things, We've heard about them, but we didn't do anything
because, you know, so it's like you'd have heard of these

(09:40):
things. You have maybe gone to some
parties and you've seen some things.
You didn't participate in them. You are just as much of A
culprit as the people who carried out the actions.
So I think that part, like she covered her bases there.
Like obviously these things thatare being done are crazy.
And then you think of, like, theolder Asian woman in the movie.
I was trying to think of, like, what she represented in real
life because at first, like, youalmost were like, OK, she's the

(10:02):
weird one. Or she's like that, you know,
like you were thinking like she's the one that's gonna be
doing the creepy things. So I think like that character
was also kind of telling you like sometimes the person who
might be like the key to unlocking things is like the one
that everybody's going to be like, oh, they're kind of off
put or they're kind of weird or they're kind of this.
But literally that Lady was the key to her realizing like what

(10:23):
was truly going on on this island and what this billionaire
was doing. And so at first you're freaking
out because I know, like when I saw her character for someone, I
was like, stay away from her. But actually you needed to be
around her because if she didn'tgive you what she did and you
didn't take that stuff, like thecharacter wouldn't have started
to piece together everything that was taking place that was
happening. And it's just crazy because it's
like after watching Blink twice and then the story in the news

(10:47):
of the French woman whose husband had did all those
terrible things and the husband and some other man, and she
wasn't even aware of all that stuff was going on.
It's like you don't have to looktoo far.
Like you think this is like fictional stuff.
And then the one this stuff is actually happening in real life,
it's like, Oh my gosh, like, OK,it's fictional, but clearly what

(11:07):
did they always say? Art imitates real life.
And maybe it's like a circular thing where art imitates real
life and in real life it imitates art and it's like non
ending continuum. But either way, I just thought
it was interesting. Like as I was watching the
movie, then I was playing or everything in my head as far as
like, OK, this story in the media and this story in the
media. And then the French lady's story
definitely came up to me. And I was just like, Oh my gosh,

(11:29):
I think it was Miss Pettico. I don't want to say it wrong,
but I think that was the name. If you haven't heard the story
yet, go look it up. But it was insane.
It was like an old, old French woman that her husband was
actually being investigated for something else.
But when the police confiscated her computer, then they found
pictures of her. And in all those pictures that
they found, her husband and a group of other men were doing
inappropriate things with her. And she was unconscious

(11:52):
obviously the entire time. And then I think I saw something
like on the Oprah show. I haven't watched that episode
yet, but I think Oprah was now saying, like the daughter, the
same thing was probably done to his daughter as well.
He has denied all those things, but obviously, like, you were
capable of doing that to your wife.
So I mean, at what point are we going to be like, oh, yeah, but
then you stopped at when he cameto your daughter.
No, you sickle. So definitely like, yeah, that

(12:15):
story is just insane. Like when I heard it for the
first time, I remember somebody at work was telling me about it.
I was like, I know you're lying.Like, when I heard that story, I
was like, it's a lie. I know it's a what, like
insanity. What?
I was like, huh. No.
What? So just the timing of, like, all
these stories that are happeningin real life, and then watching

(12:35):
this movie, like, it's not fiction.
It's not fiction. It's crazy.
So if you haven't seen Blink Twice, I watched it on Amazon
Prime. Yeah.
Go ahead and do that. Yeah, brace yourself.
Obviously, it's not a movie for kids.
It's not a family movie. It's not a movie you gather in
family run. Yeah, this is an adult only
movie, but watch it and let me know what you think.
Yeah. And then I guess I've been just

(12:57):
watching a lot of stuff. So then the next thing is Meghan
Markle's show. I love it.
I love it because I am that kindof girl, OK.
Like in my life, I've always loved like, hosting people, even
when I didn't have much, OK, even when I didn't have much, I
loved hosting people. I loved hosting for the
holidays. Like that's just my thing.

(13:17):
So like the Meghan Markle show just worked well for me because
this idea of like, I'm having friends over, so then what do I
want to cook for them? Like that's like one of the
things in my life that brings mejoy.
Like let me plan an event. Let me set up a table, decide
how I'm going to do the tablescape, get some flowers,
how I'm going to put things together, how things are going
to come together and let everybody come and let everybody
have a good time. Like that's all part of the

(13:38):
whole set up for me. So Meghan Markle's stuff, it
just fell right into it. And I've not watched the entire
show. I've watched like maybe 5
episodes now, so I don't know how many episodes there are
total. But I love everything and it's
the discourse online for me thatwas getting me.
I was just like people of a certain tone, if I'm going to

(13:59):
say like that. So people that are on the other
side of the melanin collection are a little bit saying that
they can't relate. It's unrelatable.
Oh, they don't even know how like crazy That sounds like some
things we should just not say. Like even if you're thinking it
out, like don't go online and besaying that it's unrelatable
because that's insanity. Because you're saying that you
can't relate to a black woman that likes to host and put

(14:21):
things together. So, you know, like I love Martha
Stewart, like I cannot say that enough.
Even like her documentary when it came out, I was just like,
see, like she was trying to do something in a man's war.
Like it was a great documentary.I watched it with my husband and
we had a good discussion after that one.
But anyways, like I love Martha Stewart, I love all like the
home shows, like just, you know,of entertaining and all of that.

(14:44):
And there are many, many, many black girls out there that are
like me. So for you to say it's
unrelatable. That means that to see a Black
woman in a way of like, putting herself together, caring about
what she's feeding her family, bringing together people through
food, like a lot of us do that. What do you mean it's unrelated?
Like, why? Because it's not a caricature.

(15:06):
Because for the longest time, weknow we've caught on.
Now to the fact that it's only when people are caricatures of
blackness. Those are the ones that you guys
would like to promote and like to shine a light on.
But this is what happens when people are given the reins to
tell their own story. The anthropologist in me is
always so happy because I'm like, yes, nobody is going to
give you accolades like people that look like you.

(15:27):
Nobody is going to tell your story better than you.
It's something that we as a society, as human race has known
for the longest time, right? But not everybody has been
afforded that. What has happened in the past is
that a group of people told the stories for other people.
And now the way the world is going, for the first time, we
are having the ability and we are seeing the benefits from us

(15:48):
being in the driving seat of telling our stories, giving
people like the multifacetednessof our existence.
And you know, like, for example,for me, I can say what does it
mean to be an African woman? And there are certain things
that would tie us together. But every person coming from
different countries, you know, somebody coming from the West is
going to be different from coming from the east, from the

(16:09):
north and the South and the central.
And then, you know, your Englishspeaking is going to be
different from the Francophone. So there are so many aspects,
but that's what happens when we get to be the ones to tell our
story. So in the past, somebody else
could come out there and which is what they had done.
And that's kind of like what happened when she was, you know,
in the UK. The media was in the driving
seat of telling her story. And part of this Netflix thing

(16:31):
is like a chance for her to kindof show you like, okay, this is
who Megan is. So that's really what at the
essence, like if they don't evenrealize it, like that's what
you're truly mad about is the fact that she has the ability to
now tell her story how she wantsto be presented.
And you can take it or leave it.But it's insane to me that
people are saying that it's not relatable content.
I'm like for who, because I was like to who because there are

(16:54):
lots of girls that are like me. Like I know I bonded over with
other women over. Oh, I love the way you set up
the tape. I like the way you put the
decor. Oh, you're hosting an event.
Oh, yeah. I like to do event.
Like there are lots of black women, honey, that like to do
all that stuff. So I don't know what black women
you're talking about. I don't know what you still
thinking about Aunt Jemima or something like that.
But we are way move past that. OK.

(17:15):
And then I just love my threads feed.
That's all I'm going to say. I don't know how I've said it
before. I'm on the black side of
threads. I love it.
I love it there because all the girls came out with their Le
Cruset's. OK.
And then I saw a Le Cruset that caught my eye and I was like,
oh, I was gassed. And I did not go to the website

(17:35):
soon enough because guess what? That collection has been
discontinued. I'm so pissed.
OK, I just went to the Le Crusetwebsite like last week and I'm
like, let me look to see is Sheila Bridges.
So she did a collection with William Sonoma.
And I have like some pieces in my cart.
I'm trying to decide if I shouldmake this order or not.
Actually recording this episode is probably going to help me to
make this order. But Sheila Bridges, she does

(17:58):
like a lot of, like the collection was called like the
Harlem toil. This is her thing that she does.
So, you know, like Christian Dior Dior does a lot like the
toil designs and stuff. So like, yeah, when you see
like, the woods and all that, that's what it's called.
So like she does like a black history kind of version of the
toil. So she will have people in like
these Victorian gowns and stuff,but it's black people that are
in the Victorian grounds and allthat.
So it's really beautiful. And so she did a collection.

(18:20):
She has a collection right now that's available for sale with
William Sonoma. And I was looking at the towels
because I'm one of those people,like I like to put the towels on
my oven doors. Like that goes like with the
season or to decorate. Like that's what I'm saying.
Like there are so many women like me.
We like to decorate. Like if somebody's coming over
to your house, I'm going to put together a little basket of
goodies for you and give you like, I love doing this.

(18:43):
Like that stuff brings me joy. And there are other women out
there like me, but the Harlem toil, Sheila Bridges partnered
with Lake Cruset, and they had this beautiful white cast iron
pot Dutch oven. And then it had like the toil in
the black all around it. And I saw that on threads.
And I was like, Oh my gosh, I went looking.

(19:06):
Yeah, that mug was sold out. And then I put my name on the
list because it was like, oh, it's sold out, but I put my name
on the list to get it back. I'm sure they probably went to
their manufacturer and was like,we're not going to be able to
get these back. I'm sure they didn't know that
this show would come out and somehow people will not want the
Lake Cruset. I'm assuming people are wanting
this Lake Cruset set because nowI was looking for it.

(19:27):
Like I'm actually willing to paya little bit extra for it
because I feel like it's one of those pieces, like if I was
lucky enough to have it, like it's a collector's item.
So I have another Lake Cruset onmy Williams-sonoma cart that I'm
just like, I missed that one. This one is like the white one,
but it has like the bees all around it and they have like
another bees collection. They actually have a few things

(19:49):
that are bees collection on William Sonoma that I've been
eyeing. So I'm like, OK, if I get that
one, then I can later on add these little pieces because like
that's the thing with me too. Like when it comes to those kind
of things that I know, OK, I'm getting good quality stuff.
I like to buy it in like little little pieces.
OK, I buy this one now. Then I'll buy this one and then
eventually, like I will have a full set because, you know, I'm
not out there like bawling like that to just be like I'm

(20:10):
dropping. You know, $10,000 I'm like
what's on sale? Can I get 50% off 60 even?
Oh 70 even better. So I need to find out the T on
how some of the girls are getting their hands on Le
Croisset. And if somebody can help me find
how am I going to get this Harlem toilet Le Croisset pot?
This would be awesome because I've looked and I've looked and

(20:32):
then when I went on the website,that page no longer exists.
So then I was like, OK, I put myname on the list for no reason
because this is pointless now. And then I felt like I wasted my
time because I think I was hoping that it will come back in
stock. So now I'm like I've lost my
chance to get this lake crusade pot.
So if you are like me and you like these kind of things and
you find this lake crusade pot, please, please pass on the

(20:55):
information. You can buy yourself one, but at
least pass on the information soI can buy one too.
Don't be shady. Don't be out here just looking
out for yourself. OK, Please pass it on.
So I love Meghan Markle show, itwas relatable for me.
I like cooking, I like entertaining.
I like having people over. I like showing my love through
those little things. I am a gifter.

(21:15):
I'm a lover of things and it's crazy because I feel like
sometimes when somebody says I love things, then it comes off
as like the person just only cares about things, but not
people. No, I love beautiful things.
I like things that tell stories.I like things that are ornate.
I like things that have history.But I am a collector of things.
Like I'm saying now with this liquor set pot, if I find it,
it's a pot that I'm going to have for a long time, a pot that

(21:37):
one day I can even pass on to mydaughter, a pot that we're not
going to be cooking palm oil inside of.
OK, that's for the grill Mata Stewart version.
I have the Dutch ovens. Like I think I got one from
Costco a few years ago, a white one from Costco a few years ago.
I have a Gray one, the Gray 1, and I think a purple one.
They're both from like the Martha Stewart collection, like
the enameled cast iron. So you can get some of them for

(22:00):
like a really good price. I think the Martha Stewart ones
I got from TJ Maxx for like 40-50 dollars at the time.
But obviously liquor set is likethe top of the top of when it
comes to enameled cast iron. And I actually don't have any
like liquor set pots. That's why when I saw this one,
I was like, this could be my first one and it could be
monumentals and then it was not available.

(22:20):
So yeah, that's my dilemma rightnow.
It's finding this Harlem Toil liquor set pot.
And then throughout I've just been seeing funny videos here
and there. I saw one that was funny.
The lady was like, oh, I got in the car.
It was a video of her and her husband.
So her husband was driving and she was in the car and then like
she was saying, oh, we're going on the road trip now acting like
best friends. But we almost got a divorce

(22:42):
while packing the car to go on the road trip.
So I just thought that was hilarious because it's like,
yeah, marriages be like that. Like why are we arguing?
And it depending on what time ofthe month that we are in as
women, you know, we don't like when guys say that, you know, it
really gets on our nerves. But even in our quiet moments,
we can truly be honest and be like, depending on what time,
what's the one I've been seeing online, people are now being

(23:03):
like really nice with it. I think they'll be like if I'm
in my luteal phase or something.Oh Lord, who even started this?
Who started this whole it? Don't let your luteal phase you
who started this slang, because that's the new slang that you
don't say like on your cycle. You see, I'm in my luteal phase.
And if I'm in my luteal phase, and that's when I'm emotional
and that's when I'm like, I don't want to be with you
anymore. I want to get divorced because

(23:24):
I'm emotional. My hormones are crazy.
And yeah, so that's the latest that I've noticed.
I don't know where it started from, but I've been seeing the
girls using that. So that's really it for pop
culture, I guess, since I'm in the home making area.
Oh my gosh. OK, there are two things.
So I'm sure you've heard of the brand Our Place.
I like hosting. I like pretty things.
Yeah, that's just me. So our place, I've been seeing

(23:46):
like their little pots and stuffthat they have.
And they have two collections right now that I'm like dying
for. OK, so they have the, what's her
name? She does like the decor stuff.
I have one of her books, but shehas like collection with them.
And it's like just this beautiful brown color pot set.
Oh my gosh. Bridget.

(24:07):
Yeah, I'm not going to attempt to say her last name because I
feel like I'm going to mess it up, but Bridget, she does decor.
She's an interior designer, so she partnered up with our place
and she has these beautiful bronze collection.
It is so gorgeous. So she has that.
And then I saw that they have like the stainless steel
collection, but they have like the one that has the gold.

(24:29):
So it's like stainless steel andgold.
So there's a set like that. I love stainless steel.
So really in my kitchen, I'm either using stainless steel or
I'm using cast iron. There's no in between for me.
But years ago it was like the hammered copper.
So I had gotten like a whole setfrom William Sonoma.
That's like a hammered copper. But I have not done a good job
of like keeping the outside. And part of it is like teaching

(24:51):
the kids to like when you're cooking, it doesn't need to be
at such a high temperature. Medium temperature is still
going to get you the results youwant.
Because sometimes when my daughter's cooking, she wants a
stove on 500,000,000° and then that affects the outside of the
pot. So I need to do some work on
that. So I was wondering like if I
should just spend the time cleaning them myself or trying
to take it to somebody to kind of like restore them and bring
back the beauty of the copper pots or if I should just replace

(25:14):
them and just get whole new sets.
So then when I saw this Bridget,her set was so beautiful.
It's like a nice brown. Oh my gosh, it's like an Ebony
color. Like I don't even know how to
describe it, but it's beautiful.And then I saw their freaking
slow cooker. It was just gorgeous.
Do I need another one? I have the B beautiful one, the
one by Drew Barrymore that I gotfrom Walmart.

(25:34):
So I have that one. I have another slow cooker that
I feel like I bought a couple years ago.
It was also by Drew Barrymore. So I have like the regular Drew
Barrymore one. Then she got that like 10 in one
cooker. So I got that.
You can also use that as a slow cooker too to keep things, you
know. So I actually have two right
now. So I was like, do I really need
a third one? No, but it's so beautiful.
It is gorgeous. The R place one.

(25:56):
It is so beautiful. So I told myself if I get the R
place one, then I need to get rid of one of the ones I have
because at this point, why do I need 3?
Like I understand, like if I'm hosting people, it might come in
handy. That will be the only time that
I actually need 3. Like I put the soup in one to
keep it warm and maybe another dish in one to keep it warm.
So yeah, maybe I might keep themfor that.
Like if I'm hosted and I'm having people, then I have

(26:16):
something to keep the food warm.This turned into a home keep
episode, but so be it. But those are the things that
are catching my attention right now.
The cooker is just so beautiful and I want it in like that
because my all time favorite color is coral.
I just love the fact that it's pink and orange and it's just a
mixture of those two. It's always been my favorite.
So that's it for me and my appliance and cookware love.

(26:38):
Since we went down the Meghan Markle train and talked about Le
Cruset, I was like, Oh my gosh, I've seen those two and I had
them like in the cart. Maybe the Bridget 1 is not our
place. Is the Bridget one our place?
I feel like it is because they're the ones that have that
pot, the well known pot. I'm just going to have to go
back and look. I want to say I'm actually
looking it up right now. Yeah, it is.

(26:58):
It is with our place. You see, I should just not doubt
myself. So it's interior designer
Bridget Romanek and our place. So they're doing elevated
kitchen designs and this is like, it's the brown.
I should just get it. I should just get it because I
feel like I'm going to regret itif I don't.
It's the limited edition and espresso.
There you go. It is the espresso color and I

(27:20):
just love the richness of the brown.
Like I already use wooden and utensils.
Actually one of my friends a couple years ago gifted me like
wooden stuff because I use a lotof the cast iron, the enameled
stuff. So it's always better to use
wood or silicone for that. And then of course when I'm
using my stainless steel that I have, so I have literally have
like 1 utensil holder that's full of my wooden tools and then

(27:43):
I have another utensil holder that's my stainless steel.
Those are the two kind of utensils I have in my house.
Like if I have silicone, it's really for like my spatulas,
like my scrapers are made out ofthat.
So I like for my home to be put together.
I like all this stuff. And I follow people whose
accounts like, I'm like, oh, I would love to have that.
And then I like get inspired by it.
And I think about, OK, how am I going to do within my budget?
Can I find that at TJ Maxx? Where can I find that on Amazon?

(28:08):
Can I Like at this point, there is no place on earth that I will
not buy something from. OK?
I bought some like furniture pieces from even she and the
other time. And I was like, OK, this is like
the stuff I'll get from Amazon, certain items in our home put
together from IKEA, like, yeah, it's all about how you put stuff
together. Don't be sleeping on the fast
fashion brands too. Zara Home is the tea.

(28:30):
I just got a mirror from there that I love, that I'm obsessed
with. I have gotten stuff from H&M
Home for like the longest time, Little vases.
I love getting my pillow covers from there because you can get
like pillow covers from H&M Homefor like 10 bucks, sometimes
even less. So then you just buy the inserts
and then throughout the seasons,depending on what vibe and look
you're going for, then you just change your pillow covers like

(28:51):
there is no store that I will not turn.
It's all about me having a vision and then trying to create
that vision. So I've gone off on a tangent
with this home decor and housekeeping stuff.
But I think, yeah, it all got inspired by this Meghan Markle
thing. So how dare you say you cannot
relate? You cannot relate what to Black
women put in her home together, take care of her family,
entertaining friends, creating beautiful spaces, creating

(29:12):
beautiful experiences, having luxury, not just even in the
form of just like I'm spending alot of money, but like luxury
and like taking care of herself,taking care of her space, taking
care of her family. Like what are you talking about?
Please? There are lots of us out there.
Please. Our topic for today is going to
be soft life, hard boundaries. OK?

(29:33):
That's what we're talking about today.
Soft life. What I understand soft life to
be now is that it's like creating, like ease and finding
joy in your life and just rejecting unnecessary stress
that, my dear, I can follow with.
OK. The beginning of the soft life
movement, I was not feeling where it has evolved to now,
where it's just like, I just want a life of ease.

(29:55):
Yeah. That I can deal with all the
nonsense that was there before. You can't erase me from it.
I don't want no parts. Sounds like you're getting
yourself in a whole heap of trouble.
And then one day you're going totry to undo those pieces because
you think it's cute. All I want to do is sit home all
day and I go shopping and I don't know anywhere my money is
or where everything is happeninguntil something happens in your

(30:16):
life and you have no clue how toput one and two together or two
or four. And it's crazy to me because
they even like when I was growing up, like my grandmother
was a woman who wasn't educated,but she understood like that's
something that she had passed onto.
Like my mom and my mom would tell me like as a woman, you
should have your own money. Like even if you're a stay at
home wife, make sure when your husband's giving you money every
month, like you're keeping a stash for yourself, you have

(30:38):
something saved up because you just don't know a rainy day or
anything that could happen. So just this idea of like, I'm
just waiting on your back and call asking you for every little
penny. But then I'm not actually saving
anything or I don't have anything for myself.
Could never be me anyway. So soft life today is about
creating ease, finding joy in your life and rejecting stress.
So I can do that because then I'm prioritizing my emotional

(30:59):
well-being, my physical well-being.
I'm taking care of myself as a whole and that I can fall
behind. So you know, getting my hair
done, getting my nails done, butalso doing the inner work and
life is going to happen. Life is going to life.
It's not going to be perfect 24/7, but for the most part, I
don't want to put myself or havethings in my life that are
always like taking me away from the core of who I am.

(31:22):
Like that's why The thing is soft life and hard boundaries,
because you need to have the ability to create boundaries and
to be strict with the boundariesyou create in order for you to
enjoy the soft life that you're trying to have.
There we go. That is how you will piece the
two together. So why does this topic matter?
Because I have looked at the stats, like I said last time, a

(31:42):
lot of the people that listen are like in my age group or a
little bit older and I have morewomen than men listening.
So a lot of women in our 30s and40s and 50s, you know, we're
juggling careers, we're jugglingour families.
And then you're working on your own personal growth as well.
If you're anybody like me, like maybe you were always that
headstrong person. You always knew how to have

(32:04):
boundaries. Instead, you're trying to soften
up me. I'm the other end, like where I
was always like a giver. And then learning that I cannot
give and pour from an empty cup.I had to learn how to feel
myself up first. So that was part of my journey
of coming to the woman that I amtoday.
So I really had to learn about boundaries and be OK with not
only having boundaries, but being the one to enforce set

(32:27):
boundaries because nobody else is going to do it for me but me.
So when I say no, I mean a no. When I say I'm not doing that,
I'm not doing that. When I say I'm not going there
with you, I'm not going there with you.
When I say I'm done, I'm done. As the people say, when I stand
on business, I'll be standing onbusiness stand toes.
But yeah, I had to learn how to get to that point.

(32:47):
I didn't just wake up and I was like that.
It was very much against my nature.
And I had to learn, you know what, nobody's going to protect
me as much as I'm going to protect me.
So I had to learn how to get there.
So I want to have that self life.
But the way our society is conditioned, you know, us in our
stage of life, we have so many things we're juggling.
And then because women are naturally nurturers, like, we

(33:09):
have to learn how we pour from ourselves, but from a place of
where we're already full. We cannot be drained.
You cannot be going on empty andthen just giving more and more
the people around you, It's not going to be beneficial for them.
They want to see the whole you think of even like your kids,
like when they look back on their life.
Yeah, my mom always showed up. My mom was always there.

(33:30):
But they always know Mom was also looking good.
You know, she'll have her moments of stress and all that,
but she was calm. She was put together.
She was all that. And that takes effort.
It doesn't just happen overnight, but it's by you
learning the boundaries, knowingwhere I will not go and what I
will not do. So for me, I've been there.
I'm sure many women have been there because I don't know where
I got it from. Maybe it's a generational thing

(33:52):
like, but like you learn a lot of things like indirectly and
directly. So I think the generation before
us, and I'm only going to speak about the African woman
experience and I can even go as far as the West African woman
experience because that's what Iam like.
I know it's going to be different from people all over
the world, but if I just go justa base off of that, then I can
say, OK, when I was growing up, you saw a lot of that.

(34:13):
Like I was surrounded by just women who just worked their
butts off and they were hard working and they gave so much of
themselves and they gave so manychances sometimes to men who
didn't necessarily deserve it. And so it's like there's just
this cycle, like whether I realized or not, that's what I
had seen. So even when I started, like
having my own family and I was deep into the motherhood stuff,

(34:34):
like that's what I imagined for myself.
And then I felt like I wasn't good enough if I wasn't doing
that. Like if I was in doing 50
million things and being superwoman and stretching myself
and not saying no to anybody andjust giving, giving, given,
given, given like that is secondnature.
I had to learn it's OK for me tosay no.
It's OK for me not to do that. It's OK for me not to put myself
in that. I didn't create this.
I didn't do this and it's OK because if I don't create those

(34:57):
boundaries, if I don't have these things, nobody else is
going to do it for me but me. So that saying, I'm sure you've
seen it where it's like you teach people how to treat you.
So it's the same way. Like I have to practice it
first. So it all comes from that place
of like self compassion, like we're talking last week and
loving yourself because it's like I love myself enough to
know that I deserve better. I love myself enough to know

(35:18):
that this, that you're dishing out, it cannot be for me.
And it's not because I'm full ofmyself.
It's because I just know what I want and what I need in life.
And if it end aligning, it end aligning.
But all I know is that this is what it requires to be around
me. OK, If you cannot come with the
rhythm, if you cannot go with the flow, you got to get out the
door. There we go.
But why are boundaries necessary?

(35:39):
Oh, Lord, I had to learn boundaries.
Help us to define what is acceptable in our lives.
Period. That's it.
Like it's just this is OK for meand this is not.
This is how I want to live and this is how I don't want to
live. This is who I am and this is who
I'm not. And then when it's clear like
that, then it's the job of the people in your life or the

(35:59):
people that come and go to be like, I'm taking you as you are
or I'm not. And that's their right too.
Like if everybody is just from that place of just knowing
themselves, then we're good. Because then you come and you
meet me and it's like, OK, this is who she is and that don't
work for me. So then I got to bounce or we
don't gel in this area. So leave it alone.
Like it's just it makes life so much easier.

(36:20):
So boundaries with people who don't have them for themselves
or people who haven't done the work enough for themselves.
I realize it irritates those people because I could not
figure it out. I'm like, why you mad at me?
Because I told you I'm not doingthis like I am a human being
functioning that I have the right to make that decision for

(36:42):
myself. So I'm trying to figure out why
you all up in your feelings losing sleep because I told you
I'm not doing that. Like for the life of me, I could
not figure it out. And then I had to get to the
point. I'm like, because those people
have not reached their point in their growth or in their journey
where they realize that's that'seven within their power.
They're mad at you for doing something that they don't
realize that they can do for themselves.

(37:03):
And to me, that just sounds likeyou have work to do.
But I have come too far in my growth journey and being the
person that I am today for me torevert back just to make you
comfortable. No way, Jose.
I said no. I said no.
I'm not doing that. I'm not going there.
Not with you. Not today, not tomorrow, not
next week. I said what I said, and I meant

(37:25):
it. Yeah, you know, people will take
and take and take as long as youcontinue to give and give and
give. That's why you have to realize
that it is your responsibility to yourself to create
boundaries. Nobody else is going to create
them for you. It is not somebody else's job to
come and tell you what you should or shouldn't do.
You should know that for yourself.
So if you're the type of person right now, you're listening to

(37:46):
my voice and you do not have boundaries in place, start
working on them. Pick one or two things that you
say. I'm not doing that.
And that's what I said. And you don't have to be rude
about it. Yeah, you just firm with it, for
example, work, right? I know people who I've worked
with. I remember like the first time
that I encountered it, I was like, wow, OK, that can be the
thing. There was somebody I worked with
and she's a nurse. But she's like, you know what?

(38:07):
I don't work on Sundays. Sundays are the time for me to
go to church and they're time for my family.
Now I realize that work with thehealthcare field, we have to
work every other weekend. So what happens is that she can
work Saturday, she can work Friday, she can work every
Saturday, if that's possible. I don't necessarily know if she
did, but that is something that was firm for her.

(38:28):
So when she's making her schedule or when anybody's
putting her on a schedule, you already know she does not work
on Sundays. So there's no point in you
putting her to that schedule because guess what?
Even when they have tried it a few times, she did not show up
because she told you guys I do not work on Sundays.
Like that is just a no go area for me because it's my family
time and time for me to go to church.
And I have known her all these years and she does not work on

(38:51):
Sundays. That is her thing that's having
boundaries. But I think even outside of
that, it's a way for you to protect yourself.
It's a way for you to kind of create a cocoon around yourself
and it's part of this self compassion and it's part of this
self love. Like I love myself enough that I
have decided the things that areimportant to me, the things that
are unshakeable, the things I will not move.

(39:11):
And not one human being on this earth can get me to change that.
That is a powerful thing. Like you're telling yourself,
like I am worthy enough. I am good enough.
I am everything enough. I am just enough that I can say
I don't want to do this and it is well within my right and I
have the ability to do that. You get to the point where
people wouldn't even bring stuffto you because they're like,

(39:34):
what were you trying to do? You, oh, you were trying to go
out on Sunday and you're trying to ask Tony to go out.
She already told you her Sundays, her family days.
I'm not even going to bring thatto her.
And I'm like, oh, we had an event, but it was on a Sunday.
So we know you don't really go out on Sunday.
Oh, OK. OK.
Who was it? I think it was, I'm forgetting
her name now, but she's like thesecond in command at Facebook.

(39:55):
And I just remember she wrote that book Lean In.
One of her hard boundaries was like, I think after 5 or
something, she does not answer anything work related.
Like from 5:00 to 9:00. There's a time that she has
where it's like I go home, get my kids for bed, put dinner
together, put them in bed and whatever.
And then if there's anything I have to answer, it'll be after
that time. But anytime from 5:00 to 9:00,
you ain't going to see me on thephone.

(40:15):
And that's beautiful thing. What kind of job?
Why you thinking that? Because.
I'm running something. I need to be at your beck and
call 24/7. That's not healthy for you.
That's not healthy for me. That's not healthy for the
organization. Like I've said in the past, if
something happens to you, that organization is going to keep
existing. So one organization shouldn't
have to just exist on just one person and they're like, that's

(40:36):
too much let go. Like have boundaries.
So boundaries, we know boundaries can be hard,
especially with family members saying no to excessive
obligations. This one is hard.
What you come to find out is that when we make it in life, we
don't only have to think about ourselves.
We have to think about all theseother people that are attached
to US. Immigrants, for example.

(40:58):
You finally become a doctor. It's your live stream.
Your mother is proud, your father is proud.
But when you're making money as a physician, it's not just to
take care of yourself. Your life chances are like your
family is going to depend on that income to elevate them for
them to also be in a better place.
So sometimes that stuff can get hard.
Families that have done the workenough that I've healed enough,

(41:19):
there'll be space and there'll be room in there for you to just
be you. But if you are like the first in
the family or if you're like oneof the few that has made it in
that way, like successfully, it can be daunting on you.
So it's like that tax that you have to pay.
I want to say it's something called opportunity tax.
I might have to look it up, but they call it that tax because,
yeah, that's the burden that youhave to then carry because

(41:41):
you're the first one. And when you don't do it, then
it's like, oh, we sacrificed allof that to bring you to America.
Then now you're it's a lot. It's a lot, especially for the
African culture. Like you always have to think
about family. You always have to think about
everybody around you. So it's like finding the way
where I can accomplish that. I can do that, but at the same
time, it cannot be at my own detriment.

(42:02):
And that's where the boundaries come into place.
Next point, boundaries at work are also very important.
Like one of mine that I have is like with my phone, for example,
I can see like if my employer gives me a work phone, that's a
totally different thing. Like if my employer gives me a
work phone that is like this phone is the one we have
provided for you. We pay the bill on this.

(42:23):
Look, anything I text on that phone is going to be work
pertaining. OK?
But my phone, the one that me I pay every month for.
You think you're going to come and enter it and then you'll be
telling me what I'm going to. I'm not going to do.
You're not serious. Who born you now?
Would I burn yourself? Like the African woman in me is
just like, are you mad? Are you insane?
Like what exactly are you sayinghere?

(42:44):
My own phone? That I pay my own bill inside of
you are telling me what I can you must be crazy.
You must have lost your ever loving mind all of it, all of it
like my phone is my big thing like you're not going to come on
my phone and dictate like what I'm going to answer something
I'm going to do ma'am, Sir, whoever the heck you are, this
is my personal phone. You want all of that, you give
me a work phone. And even with that work phone,

(43:05):
I'll probably still tell you from this time to this time, I
will not be replying back to message like eventually you will
see the logic in what I'm doing,right?
Because when I do show up to work, when I do go there, I do
want to give my best, but I cannot do my best if I'm
available to you 24/7. And then again, if you are
running something that I've put you in charge of, you cannot be
your best if every two seconds you need to ask me about

(43:26):
something like we're going to bedoing that either.
So we got to create those boundaries.
It's difficult because I know there are certain jobs where
it's like the amount of money they pay you almost justifies
them terrorizing your life like this.
But those are the same jobs thatI see somebody show up to my
hospital for and you're having aheart attack.
So is it really worth it? Is the amount of money really
worth it? Like you got to ask yourself,

(43:48):
and sometimes it's our ego. Like I said, you have to ask
yourself, does having this poweror the idea of power, does it do
something to me? Does it feed something in me?
Does it feed the little girl in me that felt like I wasn't
important? There's a feed the young man and
me that felt like he came from the lowest of the lowest and now
he's at a place. And you have to ask yourself
that. And you have to be honest with

(44:09):
yourself because a lot of these things are interconnected.
So when you start working and healing yourself and being more
comfortable with who you are andfixing certain things, you will
find that that which used to geta sense of pride and power and
all these things from it would dwindle because you would start
asking yourself, like, what whatdo I gain from that?
Like then we know we're going somewhere, then we really know

(44:30):
we're going somewhere, right? And then another place for
boundaries. Oh, friendship, oh, friendship
boundaries. That one can be hard because
friends are supposed to be therefor each other.
Like we're going to have great moments and laugh and all that.
But if I'm having a rough time, I can come to you and I can be
vulnerable and you're going to uplift me.

(44:50):
You're going to tell me what I need to, well, not always what I
need to hear because I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm going to tell you the truth of the moment and hopefully you
can listen to it and find some wisdom in it.
And then you know, I can do the same for you.
So in the past, what I've had tolearn was that it's supposed to
be what, reciprocal. So we're going to have seasons.
Sometimes your friend is going through a tough season and in

(45:11):
that season you're doing more ofthe pouring.
But then the way life works is that it goes around, right?
Nobody's ever going to be great 24/7.
So all that matters is that whenit's your season, that same
friend that you you poured into relentlessly for three months,
four months, five months, six months, that they can do the
same for you. That's reciprocal.
When we were super kids, the wall can rotate.

(45:34):
There we go. Ah, I said it.
So if you are doing more of the pouring all the time, this
friend always has problem, this friend always has trouble, but
you have nothing that you are gaining from it, then you have
to reevaluate. And like I said, people go
through seasons. So sometimes you have to be
there for that friend through a season, but let not be 10 years,
five years. She always has stuff.

(45:54):
She always bringing stuff. She always da da, da.
And even when you're going through stuff, then you feel
guilty like you should not bringyour stuff because she going
through stuff. She's been going through stuff.
Are we going to be honest about that?
She's been going through stuff. She always going through stuff.
Like if we just follow her timeline and nobody else going
through stuff. So it's like, no, ma'am, we are
all going through. And so for me, even being like

(46:14):
conscious enough, like, even when I'm going through my tough
times, like, OK, other people's lives are still rotating.
So it's like, let me check in onyou.
How are you doing? Like, I know have disappeared
for a little bit, but I'm still around here.
I'm still OK. Like, yeah, everybody has
something. But I'm there for you.
You're there for me. It's good.
The world will rotate. You know, also the boundaries of
say no, like, look, the way Trump's economy is looking, I

(46:39):
can't take 6 vacations like we used to take.
So even though you said it was your birthday coming up, but
girl, I've been to 10 other of your birthday celebrations this
year, I'm letting you know I'm only taking three trips this
year. I cannot do 6.
So we're already taking a trip later on in the year.
So I might not be able to make your birthday trip.
And if I tell you no, as a friend and I'm now explained to

(46:59):
you like, look, this was going on and you still can't be
understanding. You still go behind my back
telling people about how I didn't show up for you and
you've been there for then I guess we got to let it go.
But I mean, what do you want me to do?
Like I've already explained to you why I'm doing what I'm
doing, and I've already brought it to your attention that it's
not personal, but you still wantto feel some kind of way.
OK, All right, good. OK.

(47:23):
I will wish you happy birthday. I will still send you a birthday
gift most likely. But I ain't going on that trip
like because I can't. So having boundaries with
friends very hard. How many times are you going to
reach out? Like I said, if it's one year
straight of you being the one reaching out and they're
reaching out back, don't reach no more.
You have reached your limit. Let it go, OK.

(47:46):
And then social media boundaries.
How do you create boundaries with social media?
One of the first things is avoiding comparison.
Like I've learned to just acceptthings for what they are.
Like somebody's coming online and maybe it's like their
relationship, for example, and they're going on a lovely
vacation at a five star resort at a five star, blah, blah.
First of all, I have to rememberthis person is online.

(48:08):
They're social media person. They're probably millionaire,
depending on the level of socialmedia, the stuff that they do.
Let me just say that. OK, So yeah, I'm not going to be
able to go to the same resort that they go to.
No, no, no. And then it's the essence of it.
And they're remembering people are bringing their best moments.
Like that's why that video that caught my eye about the couple,
Like, yeah, all you're seeing isthat vacation, but you didn't

(48:30):
know that they fought during that vacation or you didn't know
that they fought before they went on the vacation.
And is there anything wrong withfighting on the vacation or
fighting before you went on the vacation?
No, because that's life. Sometimes, you know, couples
fight. But I'm just saying you're just
seeing a moment in life that youare now comparing yourself to.
And you want to have or you wantto recreate, but you don't see
the entire picture. So that's the thing with social

(48:52):
media. And then you unfollow accounts
that made you feel inadequate. Like I ain't following nobody
that has a pack except for TianaTaylor.
I'm not following you. That's on my screen every two
minutes doing squats and all. I don't give a Dang about that.
I do care about being fit, but Ido not follow any of those
fitness girlies. Why?
Because I don't want to get up every day and then be like, oh,

(49:15):
I really need to go to the gym. No, no, I started practicing
that and it's been a blessing for me.
And I was like, I wish more people understand that.
Like you do know, yes, the algorithm be algorithm and but
you can control the algorithm. Yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am. When I turn on my threads, I see
black things being done by blackpeople in black ways.
Very black. I like it.

(49:36):
When I turn on my Instagram, I see home decor, Nordic decor,
you know, luxurious decor. There's this one lady that I
follow. I think her name is nor NOR, Oh
my gosh, nor Nadine Yala Yala. So yeah, my algorithm knows me.
If it's home decor, it doesn't even matter.
As long as it's giving luxury, it's giving calmness.

(49:58):
I love the really clean, like Nordic designs that are like
monotone. Everything is cream.
And then I like the intricate details of like marble and all
of that. And then I like the touches of
gold, but I like the antique gold.
So like the brassy looking stuff.
So I don't know, like my style or sense of yeah, putting
together. It's like a mixture of all of

(50:19):
those together. Like I still want it to be a
place of calmness and then everynow and then I want some color
thrown in. So even though I like the
cleanness of like the Nordic style of design, I appreciate
color being in there. And like my house, black and
white. Like I am doing like black and
white with like hints of like Browns or like hints of little
thing. Like it's cohesive, but that the

(50:39):
base of it is like the black andbrown, I mean black and white
decor. So like my algorithm knows when
I go on Instagram, that's what Iwant to see.
And then reducing screen time. I've been working on that.
I have been working on that. Some days I'm really successful.
What I do is it's almost like giving myself little meals.
So like I'll be off for like 2 hours and maybe I'll get on and
I'll be like, OK, I'm on now. I'm only going to be on for 30

(51:01):
minutes, then I'm done or I'm onnow I'm going to be on for an
hour and then I'm done. Because what do you find is like
the time will go by so fast. And then I found out I'm doing
other things on my phone now, like reading my Bible, you know,
planning my life, having To Do List, working on my grocery
list, other things, you know, sodon't compare unfollow accounts

(51:23):
and then limit your screen time.You know, we're still going to
be on there because you still want to know what's going on.
But like, I'm not going to be scrolling online all day.
That's just not going to happen.So practical ways to protect
your peace, identifying the things that waste your time,
drain your energy and just doingless of those things, whatever
that might be for you, but firstidentifying it.
And sometimes people are attached to those things.

(51:45):
So being like, hey, I might not be able to kick it with you as
much because you know, you know,you steal my joy.
So what or who in your life is like taking away your joy?
Again, stealing your joy. You see what I'm saying?
Auditing your schedule, doing things that are more of an
obligation than things that are joyful.
We're all grown. We know that half the time we
don't want to do what we have todo, but we do what we have to do

(52:06):
because we got to do what we gotto do.
So that won't exist. But for the other times when I
don't have to do what I got to do, I must do what I want to do.
OK, So no, 99% of your life shouldn't be doing the things
that you don't want to do. And then you barely have any
joy. No, I must have joy setting
those boundaries and stop feeling guilty.
That's the one I had to work on.Because once you start doing the

(52:27):
boundaries, then you feel bad when you say no.
What have they said? No is a complete sentence.
So you use firm language. You don't have to be rude, but
you say, hey, I can't commit, I'm not able to show up.
I can't do that at this time. I have other commitments.
You see that all of those mean no, means I will not be
available. And then with those who are the

(52:50):
closest to you enforcing the consequences for when your
boundaries are cars, I tell you,you know what?
You tell my business to one moreperson.
That's going to be it for me andyou.
And then I heard that you don't tell my business to one more
person. So guess what?
Now I have to enforce it. And like I said, when they go
off, now you're the wickedest person.
You're mean. And you just, you just cut her
off and she don't know why you cut her off.

(53:12):
OK, I had to enforce it because I told you don't cross it and
you did. That's it.
So it's the emotional stuff thatwe have to work through
sometimes because when you startenforcing the boundaries and
you're like, I feel bad. Oh, am I mean, am I OK?
I have never in my life had morepeace than when I made peace
with being a bad person. I'm telling you, baddest,

(53:32):
wickedest. When you make peace with that,
like, all jokes aside, you have to be OK with the fact that
they're going to be people who are unhappy with when you set
boundaries and those people, they will be just fine.
But finding those little things that bring you joy and doing
more of that, like that is the essence of life.

(53:53):
That is the essence of this softlife.
So soft life, hard boundaries, but you have the hard boundaries
so that you can have the soft life.
And we're talking about soft life where your well-being, your
physical, emotional, mental well-being, it's good, it's
stress free. There are certain stresses that
are going to come with existing in this world, existing in life.

(54:14):
But the things that are unnecessary, the ones that human
beings are bringing, ones that are under control, we can
control it. And I do not like to feel like
I'm on somebody elses roller coaster.
Remove me, take the ticket and go.
I don't want to be. I don't want to be.
I don't want to be. So that is it for today.
Hopefully I said something touched on, something that you

(54:36):
can take. Just being aware of how does
society program us and being OK with being mean and selfish and
having boundaries and saying no and finding that you'll find so
much joy and peace within that place.
And it doesn't mean that you're not a given person.
It doesn't mean that you're not kind, but we have to unteach
ourselves this stuff of like people equating that to you,

(54:59):
giving every last bone and everylast ounce of you in order for
somebody to say you were good. No, you're good By virtue of you
just being a child of God, you're good.
I was having a conversation witha friend, and in the
conversation she said, oh, you know, you're just God's
favorite. And I said, no, we're all God's
favorite. But I truly mean that from the
bottom of my heart. We're all God's favorite.
Yes, I act like I'm God's favorite and you should too, you

(55:22):
know, like we're all God's favorite.
He's looking out for all of us. We all deserve to have
boundaries. We all deserve to say no.
We all deserve to do the things that bring us joy.
It is there for all of us. And sometimes when people see it
in you and they feel like they don't have the ability or the
capacity to do it, that can sometimes cause some problems.
But just you don't change. You don't change who you are.

(55:43):
You keep working on you, you keep advancing and you just
create a distance with those people.
So I hope this episode will do something to you.
It'll help you Just respect yourself, respect those around
you because it's not just about you establishing boundaries for
yourself, but it's also you understanding when other people
have boundaries because you know, some people are like that.
They can have boundaries for themselves all day, but you are

(56:03):
not supposed to have boundaries.The devil is a lie.
The devil is a lie. You have boundaries and I have
boundaries and you respect mine and I respect yours.
And this earth will keep spinning.
Oh my gosh, look at that. Beautiful.
So I hope this episode will spark something in you.
Like I said, I'm all for soft life in the way that I've

(56:25):
described it. Don't miss me with the other
nonsense. And you know, the self
compassion, self love, it's likeeverything we talk about
sometimes they all kind of tie together and they build up on
each other. But send me a message, write me,
text me if you listen and I say something that's worthy of you
sharing with somebody else, share the podcast.

(56:46):
But I hope you guys will have a wonderful week before I get out
of here. You're going to be so proud of
me. I finally finished The Secret
Life of Baba Shaggy's Wives and I must say, given where I
started with that book because Iwas like, I cannot even do this.
Like, what the heck, A man beingmarried to six wives, how many
wives did he have? I don't know if it was 6 wives,
but I'm just exaggerating. But anyways, to get to the point

(57:08):
like where I finished the book, I can see that being made into a
movie. I need to research it to see if
anybody has tried to buy rights to this because I can see this
being a movie. And the crazy part was like I
had already like seen like who? Like that's in Hollywood, you
know, of African descent can play characters in here.
I think this would be a good production.
So if you have not read Secret Life of Baba Shaggy's Wives and

(57:28):
if nobody out there has bought the rights to this book, go and
buy the rights to this book and make this into a movie.
I will see it. I hope the people I have in my
head, maybe they'll make it. I think of blood and bones.
I just saw that. What's her name now?
Oh my gosh, why is her name is giving me?
She's in Woman King and I think Viola Davis is not going to be
in it too. She's the South African girl

(57:49):
from Oh my God, I'm forgetting her name.
But yeah, Of Blood and Bones just announced that I think it
was last week, not last week, last month that it was going to
be made into a movie. And it's a pretty good cast.
It's looking pretty good. I'm liking what I'm seeing so
far. So same thing.
Secret Life of Baba, Shake his wife.
Somebody buy it. Buy it.
So I'd make the movie because I felt like it was a good book.

(58:10):
It took me a while, but it was agood book.
So now I need to look for another book and I'm trying to
decide if I need to do like a self help book since I'm almost
done now. With Self Compassion by Kristin
Neff So I'm like, should I do self help or should I do another
like fictional book or should I do history?
And the reason why I want to do history is I was sitting down
with a group of Africans that are like maybe I would say like

(58:32):
10 years older than me or so. And they were having great
discussions. They were talking, there was an
older woman there and she was given stories about her country
of Uganda. But one of the things was how
much like she knew of her Ugandan history and what that
inspired within me. Like I know Sara Lee when I know
where I come from. I know why I'm even here in

(58:53):
America. But I have lost over the years
like the true like parts of our history.
Like you could not ask me in 1964 who was the I could not
tell you. So as I was sitting there, I was
like, man, Tony, you have work to do in that area.
Like, I feel like I need to be more versed in my country's
history in that way. So I told myself maybe I will

(59:14):
find like a history book that I can read, that I can gain
knowledge to really know, OK, weare the future of the places
where we come from. You know, I am a Sierra Leonean
American. I am an American citizen, but I
was Sierra Leonean first and I'll always be Sierra Leonean.
So part of that is like, even though I left when I was 7, so I
never actually had the chance tolike go to university and learn

(59:35):
the history there. So it's like I have to make an
effort now to learn it so then Ican teach it to my kids.
So that's been a part of, you know, the missing puzzle for me
because I'm married to somebody who studied political science,
right? So like, he knows Nigerian
history. Like he too, he left around the
same time, but like, that's whathe wrote his dissertation on was

(59:56):
like Nigerian and Russian history or something like that.
Well, he was comparing like Nigerian and Russian, something
I I don't remember. But anyways, he knows his stuff.
So like, as I was looking, I waslike, Dang, OK, I know certain
names, like, I know certain things, but I don't, if I'm
going to be honest with myself. And I'm sure there will be
others that are like me, like, you know, your birth country

(01:00:16):
that you came from or like the country that your parents came
from. But you might not know the full
history of your people. And I think that's a big part of
us educating ourselves. You cannot say you're working
hard to like, you know, not repeat the same mistakes of the
past if you don't actually know it.
So we have to know the history so we can know where we're
going. That's an African saying, you

(01:00:37):
know, you have to know where youcome from so you know where
you're going. So we'll see.
I don't know if there's any suggestions out there.
If you want to text me anything,send me anything, let me know or
else I'm going to go on the huntfor myself.
And so it might be a month or two of just me, kind of like
digging and trying to find different things to read or
maybe I might find things quickly and then I might get
onto it. But I'll let you know on the

(01:00:57):
next episode. What book?
But I'm going to be finishing with the Christian Neff book.
And so in the meantime of me looking for a Sierra Leonean
history book, maybe I'll throw in a fictional book in there.
So that's that with my reading, with music.
Oh my goodness. Hey.
So on a day the other week, lastweek Friday, I was minding my

(01:01:19):
business and then Bona Boy, and I can never say his name.
He's Haitian. So Joey, do a filet.
I don't know if that's how you say that guy's name.
Is it Joey de Filet or? I don't know.
But he did the four campaign song and I saw that Bona Boy was
on it, and I added it to my listbefore I even listened to it.

(01:01:40):
And then I listened to it and I said Bona Boy.
How is Filippa catching strays, you know?
But a boy can always kill a remix.
He always can. But he was being a little shady.
OK, all of a sudden. I think that.
What's the lyric? I don't want to put my own spice
on it. I need to go look for the lyrics
to the song. So there's a part on the song
where Burner boy said got too much money, but I'm still a

(01:02:01):
shooter. Don't take bad man fee.
Polly Poopa. Why is Polly catching strays?
So he's talking about when Foley's house got robbed, right?
Because he was robbed and I'm guessing maybe he felt like Fali
did not put up a fight enough. So he's like, you see that thing
that they did to Fali poop up, you know, because there was a
picture that I had seen like of him actually meeting with
Emmanuel Macron. So I know like it's like he's

(01:02:23):
sending a message. But like that man does nothing
but speak funny English for us to laugh and winds his waist.
Why? Why you do that?
I say got too much money, but I'm still a shooter.
He's letting you know. You pull up to my house, you are
going to dead. You pull up, smile, you'll be
dead. You'll be finished.
I'm not the one he's telling you.

(01:02:44):
But then on the other hand, he said don't mistake Batman
because he's referring to himself.
Don't mistake me for folly. Poopa, stop playing.
Leave that man alone. Leave, leave that man alone.
Leave Folly alone. He did nothing.
He's so shady. That was my favorite line
because I already knew he was going to kill it because I'm
like, I'm sorry at this point, but I'm boys like the King of
Remix. And then that line, I said, you

(01:03:06):
are so shady. I was dying.
And then I told my husband. He went and listened.
He's like, oh, no, it wasn't. I said, come here, come here.
That line was shady. Let me read it out for you.
And then when I read it for him,he's like, oh, Oh my gosh.
So yeah, Faliq cut astray on that remix.
But it was a good song. My daughter does not care for
it. She's like, I like the original

(01:03:26):
better. I'm like, please, you discharge,
go this way. So that's that.
And then my gospel song of the day, This is actually a
Houstonian. Can you imagine?
Like, I was like, OK, OK, because I heard the song.
And then when I went looking, the guy's actually from Houston

(01:03:48):
and he actually sings at what isthe name of Joel Osteen's
church? I don't know why I cannot think
of it right now, but he actuallysings on the worship team at
Joel Osteen's church. So I was like, OK, Houstonian
made it to my playlist. So this is my gospel song of the
week. It's The Room is Yours by Tauren
Wells and Robert Angel. But it is a beautiful, beautiful

(01:04:09):
song. I loved it.
I loved it. I've been listening over and
over. I heard it like it's like when
Spotify like suggests a song after like another song had
played. So I had added a song to my
playlist and then this one just popped up and I was like, Oh, my
gosh, such a beautiful, beautiful song.
And so I added it. So that one has been blessing me
by Tauren Wells. The room is yours.

(01:04:30):
I love it. So those are my recommendations
for the week. Go listen to Bruno Boy's
shittiness and then be blessed by The Room is Yours by Tauren
Wells. All right, I'll catch you guys
on the next one. Bye, bye.
You just finished an episode of Banta with Tony.

(01:04:51):
Did you like it? I hope you had a great time and
that you have some takeaways from this episode.
But before you go, I want to askyou one thing and that is to
share this episode or this entire podcast with a friend,
family member or acquaintance. Because remember, when you have
something good, you need to talkabout it, you need to share it
and you need to shout it from the rooftops.

(01:05:11):
So go on and let people know in your life that you have this
wonderful podcast that you wouldlike to share with them.
I appreciate you. I appreciate your time, your
support and everything else in between.
And remember, if you do it, I have to talk about it.
Have a great week.