Baring it All - Chrystal's Story; Life without Dad

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What happens when the person who lights up every room hides an insurmountable darkness? Join us for a deeply personal episode as Chrystal reveals the heart-wrenching story of losing her father, Dwayne, whose humour and magnetic personality masked deep internal struggles - which led to him taking his own life.
Chrystal recounts their final conversation, the missed signs of distress, and the night that ended in tragedy. This episode we talk together about grief, life after loss and bringing to light the critical importance of mental health awareness and the often-overlooked signs that someone may be suffering silently.

Through Chrystal's eyes, we explore the emotional toll of Dwayne's struggles following his separation, and shedding light on the societal stigma that surrounds male vulnerability.  We discuss the urgent need to foster more open emotional expression, especially among men, and the role we all play in combating toxic masculinity. Her harrowing account of waking up to news of a fire on her Dad's street, the panic, and the heartbreak of seeing their family home in flames, while coming to grips with the realisation of what happened that followed is a stark reminder of the profound and immediate impact of mental health crises.

Navigating the aftermath of such a profound loss, Chrystal takes us through her emotional journey of grief, it's different stages, coping with trauma, and breaking the silence around suicide. Chrystal opens up around the trauma it's caused since and the triggers she faces in her daily life since losing her Dad. She shares intimate details of packing away precious memories, the discovery of her father's journal, and the struggle for closure. Ending on a hopeful note, we emphasize the significance of reaching out for support, checking in on loved ones, and embracing life despite its inevitable challenges. This episode is a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of compassion, understanding, and open dialogue in the face of unimaginable loss.

We both want to remind you that you are not alone and that are worthy always and if you are struggling don't hesitate to reach out to those around you, family, friends, or a professional.
If you need professional support, please contact your doctor, local health centre or one of the services listed below. Family and friends can also call upon these services for advice and assistance on how to support someone who is struggling with life.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, or need to talk please seek assistance by contacting your trusted healthcare professional or calling
Lifeline on 13 11 14 .
Call Lifeline 24/7 for crisis support and suicide prevention services. Text support is also available: 0477 13 11 14.
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Call  Beyond Blue 24/7 for advice, referral and support from a trained mental health professional.
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
The Suicide Call Back Service offers 24

Connect with Rose and Chrystal on Instagram for more stories and fun mini-weekly catch-ups.
DM the girls, get involved with the conversations, and feel free to ask questions!
@baringitall_thepodcast
Rose Oates
@roseoates_
Chrystal Russell
@chrystalrussell_

And don’t forget to take care of yourself and each other -

With Love R

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of Bearing it
All with Rose and Crystal.
Today is a personal one.
It's just going to be me andyou.
We're going to be chatting deepabout something very, very
close to your heart and mine,because I love you, and so most
of you know Crystal.
If you don't follow her onInstagram or have listened to

(00:22):
our potty, I will give you alittle bit of a background about
her.
She is a wonderful human being.
She is a real boss bitch, abusiness owner.
She was in the events industryprior to owning her salon, Halo
Hair.
She's a wife and a mum of two,and two years ago she lost her
dad Dwayne.
Now, before we go on, I willlet you know that this

(00:47):
conversation will be discussingsuicide, so just a warning
before we proceed.
So two years ago she lost herdad Dwayne to suicide, and the
road following that has neverbeen the same, has it.
It hasn't so getting started.
Let's just actually hear alittle bit about your dad first.

Speaker 4 (01:10):
He was the light of my life and, I would say, most
of the people in his life, andit typically is true that they
say that people who arepredominantly funny out there
crazy, know how to have a goodtime sometimes battle some
demons.
We've seen this in celebritieswho have taken their lives, um,

(01:33):
you know, like robin williams,yes, which I'll always reflect
back to him because I feel likethey're very similar yeah um,
but he definitely felt for abattle that I wasn't aware of.
But yeah, he was just.

Speaker 1 (01:48):
He was larger than life, wasn't he?

Speaker 4 (01:50):
He just he couldn't walk into a room and you not
notice him.
Like he made sure that he,whether it was with a wig on,
dressed as a female or justhimself, like you would not be
able to not notice him he did?

Speaker 1 (02:06):
he lit up a room.
He always had something fun tosay.
He was very warm like, madeeveryone feel comfortable.
Um, from all the times thatI've met him, he's incredibly
funny full of inappropriatejokes too my kind of guy really
he.

Speaker 4 (02:21):
You either loved him or you didn't.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
That's right.
Yeah, we don't.
We're not here to be liked byeveryone at the end of the day.
So I can completely resonatewith you when you say, like your
dad and then Robin Williams andpeople that struggle, you often
don't know, and I mean itreally hits home because those
people bring so much joy andlight to other people's life.
Yet they hide what they're goinggoing through and it's so

(02:45):
important to think about mentalhealth and know that there are
so many people around us thatare suffering, and I can
definitely say hand on heartthat some of my darkest times in
my life I did it with a smile.
So I think it's very common yes,all right, so let's just get
into it.

(03:05):
Babe, tell me about the daythat it happened.
Oh, I know I was like let'sjust like buy the bullet here,
what it take me through the likeyou.
What did you do?
Were you asleep?

Speaker 4 (03:20):
so take me through that morning.
I had actually spoken to my dadthe night before, okay, and he
was meant to come over fordinner and we kept on having
conversations back and forth.
I think it was over text,saying are you going to still
pop over?
And he was like, yeah, I will,after I have a shower, da, da da
.
Anyways, he just didn't comeand I think he called me and he

(03:43):
said I think it was quite lateat this point, it might have
been 10 or 11 at night and hesaid should I come over now?
I want to see the kids.
And I was like they're in bedalready.
Dad, it was actually schoolholidays at this time, so my
kids didn't go to bed at normalbedtime, so he would have
thought maybe they still mightbe awake.

(04:04):
I was like they're both in bedand he was like I'll just come
and play a game of Monopoly withthem and it was 11 o'clock, 10
or 11 at night it was quite late, and I just remember at the
time I didn't really thinkanything of it yeah but I was
like no, dad, they're in bedanyways, he not.
That he wasn't a soppy kind ofguy, because we were still very

(04:26):
aware that he loved us and allthe rest of it.
Yes, he was a cuddler, but notfull on.
You wouldn't really get to.
You knew that he loved youwithout the affection, if that
makes sense.
Yes yep, and that night he saida few things to me that now,
when I think about it, they werered flags that I probably
should have picked up on.

(04:46):
What did he?
Do you mind me asking?
Just expressing his love for me.
He expressed that I was one ofhis greatest achievements in
life.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
Oh, Now, when I he was almost.
Oh God, that gives megoosebumps.

Speaker 4 (05:03):
Yeah, it was Like it's almost his way of saying
goodbye it was like he wassaying goodbye.
He wanted me to know thatobviously he loved me and Like
yep.
Yeah, and I just didn't see.
I was like, oh, stop beingcheesy, I know you love me.
Yeah.
I just didn't think, because ina million years did I ever
think.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (05:23):
That dad was going to ever take his life.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Yeah, oh God, I'm still getting goosebumps.
We've spoken about this openlybefore.
I didn't know that he wanted tocome around and see the kids.

Speaker 4 (05:33):
Yeah, and even though wanting to play Monopoly, that
probably should have been a redflag for me as well, because why
did he want to play Monopolywith them at 10, 11 at night?

Speaker 1 (05:41):
He wanted to have that like last connection with
them 10, 11 at night.
He wanted to have that likelast connection with them.
So when you say like you had noidea that he was capable of
this, did he show signs ofmental health or depression to
you prior to?
This like when was this themost evident for you?

Speaker 4 (05:58):
so struggling without going into too much details, my
parents had separated inDecember.
Okay, it was a week beforeChristmas, I think it was
roughly a week before Christmas.
That year was probably thesaddest year for my for my
family as well, yeah, um, youknow, no separation of parents
is ever, I would say, I don'tthink it's ever that nice.

(06:21):
So Christmas, christmas was avery different farce.

Speaker 1 (06:26):
Did you see that coming with your parents as well
?

Speaker 4 (06:30):
I knew that things were happening behind the scenes
, but it was always kind of likethey'll get over it.
Yeah.
They'll get back together, kindof thing.
But I think this time it was adefinite, it was over.

Speaker 1 (06:41):
It was over.
So when did they officiallybreak up then?

Speaker 4 (06:46):
definite it was over, it was over.
So when was when did theyofficially break up then?
Um, when she left, which was,um, yeah, the a week before
Christmas, a week beforeChristmas and I think, even I
don't think mum thought he wasgoing to be the way he was yeah
um, but Christmas.
I just remember dad slept overand there wasn't going to be a

(07:08):
mum and dad at Christmas.

Speaker 1 (07:10):
And there's been a mum and dad at Christmas For
your whole life, my whole life,so for 38 years, so for me and
my kids, and for dad it wasalmost a depressing Christmas to
be honest, Yep yep, it was veryfresh.

Speaker 4 (07:23):
He was sad, everybody was kind of sad Anyways.
Yep, it was very fresh, he wassad, everybody was kind of sad.
Anyways, I just rememberlooking at it.
I think I was making Christmasbreakfast and I looked outside
and he was at the outdoor tableand he was just crying.
He was crying and crying.
Oh.
And he was trying to drink hiscoffee and I couldn't help but
just stare at him.
Yeah, I just was in the feelsLike it was.

(07:45):
It also broke my heart.

Speaker 1 (07:52):
It's also hard to see your parent someone that you
admire so much, because I knowhow close you are to your dad to
see them in pain, but alsobecause he's such a strong
person, like not that he didn'tcry, but it would be very rare
if he cried Like he cried at mywedding.
You just didn't see him cry allthat often it was so much their
generation, wasn't it like mybe strong?

Speaker 4 (08:09):
don't show that you're weak, all of that kind of
thing.
So I think that's when itreally became apparent to me
that he was not doing well yepum, there was a lot of crying
yep.
And I think because he was suchthat strong kind of person, to
see him crying all the time didmake me think he's not doing so
well.

Speaker 1 (08:29):
Yeah, mentally, you knew something was going on with
his mental health.
You just didn't know how farBecause.
So, from what I remember, fromthe time of the official sort of
your mum moving out, it wasroughly a month later that he
took his own life.
Yeah, so pretty much, yeah, amonth, a month.

(08:50):
So you'd never really seen itgrowing up or in your childhood.

Speaker 4 (08:53):
he wasn't really you know really, suffered to be
honest, like I never really sawany of it and I don't know if it
was, whether, like both of them, mum and dad, dad kind of
protected us from, maybe from.
What I've been made aware of isthat he had suffered mental
health probably his whole life.
Yep.
But I was never aware of it andI don't know if it was a bit of

(09:17):
like shame and embarrassmentbehind it.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
Yep, but you know, after the separation, dad ended
up in Royal Perth in the mentalhealth ward okay um, he was in
there for about a week, I thinkdid he go to the hospital
himself or did someone help him?

Speaker 4 (09:37):
my sister made the call yep um, she saw a bit of
some erratic behavior that Iactually didn't see.
Yep, um, and it was scary forher.
So she made the call, which I'mgrateful that she did because
he needed to speak to somebodyand it was forced upon him
because he was not the type ofperson that was just going to go
check in and be like, hey, I'mnot doing well.

Speaker 1 (09:58):
Absolutely.
Not only was it not theirgeneration, though, carissa, I
think they, like you know.
I know my dad doesn't fuckingwant to talk about that stuff,
but it's a male thing as well.
Yeah, I think you gave me thestatistics not too long ago.
Like it's like, the majority ofsuicides in Australia per year
are male 70%.

Speaker 4 (10:18):
Yeah, and that's massive.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
They're not talking about it.
They're not expressing theirfeels.
They're not talking about it.
They're not expressing theirfeels.
I don't think society stilldoesn't make them feel like they
can express their feelingswithout being seen as less of a
man.

Speaker 4 (10:33):
Yeah.
You know there's a toxicmasculinity.

Speaker 1 (10:35):
Horrible yeah.

Speaker 4 (10:36):
Something we definitely need to stop with our
children.
Yeah, I have that conversationwith my son all the time.
Yep, I think that we need to beopen about our emotions.
So, anyways, he was in themental health ward and, from
what I could tell, there wasn'tmuch or any talk of suicide.
It was more that he wasstruggling with the marriage

(10:59):
breakup.
Yep, I think there was like alittle bit in there of like
having few suicidal thoughtsyeah but he went through a lot
of um, I don't want to saytesting, but like they put him
through a bit when he was inthere, I guess to make sure that
if they released him that hewasn't going to be any kind of
harm to himself or anybody else.

Speaker 1 (11:20):
I mean that's good that they did that at the end of
the day, but I think as well,even for you and cam Cam, your
sister, like you know, you'rethinking, oh my God, okay,
they've just been through amarriage breakup.
Of course he's going to bereally upset.
Yeah, Of course he may havesuicidal thoughts.
Well, I suppose not.
But you might be able to notdismiss it but go.

(11:42):
I kind of understand that.
Obviously he's so sad that he'snever felt like that?

Speaker 4 (11:46):
Who's not gone through a breakup and been like?
I wish I was dead?
Let's be honest here.
I hear it all the time and I'mnot saying that it doesn't mean
they're going to do it, but mostof the time it is a form of,
like expressing your emotion.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Yeah, like they don't know how to get it out.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (12:02):
So I don't think he ever said to me I want to kill
myself, yep, I don't think heever said that.
I think he had thoughts of likehow am I going to do this
without her?
I wish I was dead, kind ofthing.
I don't think.
Yeah so that's how you guys werehearing it too.
It didn't feel to me like Ishould be worried.
No, that's fair, but obviouslyso.

(12:22):
Then me and my sister had ameeting with the head person of
the department, who'd done allyou know, talking with him and
so-so, and they said look, wedon't think that there's
anything to worry about.
Okay.
But they had to release himinto one of our care for a week.
Yeah, that's fair, he wasdesperate to get out.
I just remember going there andhe was just like making fun.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
So did he stay with you.

Speaker 4 (12:51):
He came.
Yeah, he came straight away.
We decided that he would comewith me because my sister had
two small kids at that time.
It was just going to be easierand he actually wanted to come
with me anyways.
But the whole time he was inhospital making jokes about the
room and the food he was getting, and it was still very
lighthearted, even though, likehe was in a mental health like
ward Yep, that to me is quiteserious but he was still kind of
like making jokes about it.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
He was still masking it.
Yeah, he was still protectingyou guys, and that like somebody
was going with him to have acigarette.

Speaker 4 (13:16):
He's like I don't need to be watched, I'm having a
cigarette, yep, fun about itanyway.
So he came out and was with meand he was like, honestly, like
I just want to say he was fine,like he seemed fine to me.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
He didn't seem like anything was really so I mean
that's fair because honestly I,like I said, I think you've gone
through a breakup.
Anyone would be probably at oneof the lowest points of their
life, like, especially your mumand dad have been together since
what they'd be like 17 my mumwas like 16 17.

Speaker 4 (13:53):
Dad might have been like 19, 20 that's my point.
It was one of their fresher,like relationships that were
quite serious.
I think that would have beentheir first serious relationship
and they say together they hadkids quite young, like, I think,
my mom had me when she wasturning 19, so she was 18,
turning 19 so there was a huge.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
There's huge amounts of history there.
They've only been realisticallywith each other their whole
lives.
It's a massive thing, so it'sonly fair that you would be like
okay, dad's really, but he'sgot reason to be All right.

Speaker 4 (14:26):
So I guess that day it's like still a bit of a blur.
But I remember my husbandwaking me up and somebody had
sent him a message saying Dav,there's a house on your in-laws
street on fire.
Do you want to make sure it'snot their house?
And so Davin then woke me upand he said Chris, there's a

(14:50):
fire on your parents' street,call your dad.
What time was this?
I want to say 5, 5.30 in themorning.
Okay.

Speaker 1 (14:58):
Did you call him Quite early?

Speaker 4 (14:59):
I called him and his phone was off, okay, and I just
kept on calling and calling, andcalling and calling and I just
kept going to his voicemail andI wasn't.
I still didn't think, I stilldidn't think it was him, but I
was shaking you had a, youstarted to feel.
I started to feel like questionswere going through my head.

(15:22):
Is it their house?
What's happened Then?
Pretty much short after that, Ithink we were getting ready to
just drive there anyway, likewe'll just go see, and then my
phone rang and it was a policeofficer.
Were you at home I was at home.
Okay.
This part irritates me so badlywhen I think about it, because I

(15:45):
was not asked where I was, if Iwas driving, if I was at home,
if I was alone.
I was not asked any of thesequestions, which I think would
have been important to asksomebody when you're about to
land something on them.
That's going to particularlyruin their life.
Okay, I was then said that Iwas a contact left and that

(16:08):
there was a deceased man at thehouse.
And that was your parents'address it was my parents'
address, so he'd said there's adeceased man at so-and-so this
house.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
Did they ask you to come they?

Speaker 4 (16:20):
said is that your parents' address?
And I said yes, and then thatwas the last word that I could
even speak.
I could not speak.
I was hysterically crying,shaking, screaming.
My kids were still in bed andmy husband had to run out and I
just couldn't talk anymore andhe just took the phone off of me
and said, like who is this?

(16:41):
What's happened?
I don't remember how I got got.
I know that we got in the carbut I don't remember any of the
drive.

Speaker 1 (16:50):
I don't really remember the drive.
How far away is it?

Speaker 4 (16:53):
10 minutes less.

Speaker 1 (16:55):
It's like a blur it was a blur that's exactly.

Speaker 4 (16:58):
I just kept thinking this isn't this, how this is not
happening yeah, it's surreal atthis point it is important the
fact that you said you couldhave been like what if you were
driving.
I would have had a car accidentLike how, if I was alone, like
imagine being on my own, hearingthat.

Speaker 1 (17:18):
I know, I think there has to be.

Speaker 4 (17:25):
I know that police I have like respect for it and
everything, but I know they doit every day and they've become
a little bit desensitized but Ithink they're dealing with a
human who you know for me therehas to be some sort of protocol.

Speaker 1 (17:36):
I would hate to think if that person was alone or
wasn't sitting down or wasdriving.

Speaker 4 (17:44):
I I kept on thinking if I was driving I would have
driven off the road like, andhad an accident you would have.
I would have gone into the backof somebody else Like I was in
hysterics.

Speaker 1 (17:52):
Yeah.
So you got to the house andwhat is the first thing you see?

Speaker 4 (17:55):
We actually couldn't get into the street.
It had been blocked off.
So police had blocked off thestreet and, as sickening as it
is, people were trying to getthere to film it, to film the
house burning down.
Now at this point I just knewthat I couldn't get into the
street.
We'd pulled up in the nextstreet, which there was a park

(18:19):
between two streets yeah so weparked on the other side of the
street and we just went across,walked across.
I didn't walk, I ran yep um, andI just remember my husband and
some police officers having tohold me back because I wanted to
run into the fire were youtrying to get into the house?

(18:40):
I wanted to go into the house.
There was probably about.
It's so hard to even remember.
I wanted to go into the house.
There was probably about it'sso hard to even remember, but I
know there was definitely morethan two fire trucks there.

Speaker 1 (18:50):
Was the whole house.
I know this is a blaze.

Speaker 4 (18:53):
So when I had gotten there it had already been on
fire for maybe an hour, sopretty much it was a shell, and
at this point the roof wasstarting to collapse.

Speaker 1 (19:06):
And this was the family home.

Speaker 4 (19:07):
Family home that I had lived in since I was about
13.
So lots of memories there, mykids' Christmas is there so much
?

Speaker 1 (19:16):
There's a lot to take in.
There's like so much in thatmoment as well.

Speaker 4 (19:19):
But in that moment I wasn't thinking about any of
that stuff.

Speaker 1 (19:22):
You thought about him .

Speaker 4 (19:22):
I just kept thinking that he was, that they'd got it
wrong, that he was going to bealive inside, yeah, and I was
hyperventilating to the point ofbeing sick.
Yep, um, and I just rememberscreaming dad, dad, like just
screaming wanting him to comeout, basically, or him to hear

(19:44):
me.
I know that I had been toldthat he was deceased, but I'm
thinking the house is on fire.
How?
Do you know?
How do you know?
How do you know he's not undersomething and he's okay?
I didn't realise the extent ofthe damage of the fire.
The house was just nothing,nothing was left.

(20:04):
There was a news crew therefilming and I just remember my
husband saying to me stand up,stand up, they're filming.
They're filming, like I guessfor him he was worried that, you
know, I was in such a mess,like I guess he was worried that
this was going to be aired onTV and not that it would be.
Well, it might be embarrassingfor me, I don't know.

(20:25):
He was worried, um, but then Idid see, or I was told that the
police had told them look atthis point, they knew that it
was a suicide, yeah, um, and forthem to leave that's thank god.

Speaker 1 (20:39):
Yeah, thank god.

Speaker 4 (20:40):
I think it's still it still was on the news and it
was still on all the Facebookgroups, but they didn't mention
that it was a suicide.
I think it still was on thenews and it was still on all the
Facebook groups, but theydidn't mention that it was a
suicide.
I think they just had mentionedthat it was a house fire and a
loss of life.

Speaker 1 (20:50):
Was there some point that you needed, something that
you needed to see to actuallymake it real?
I?

Speaker 4 (20:58):
wanted to see his body.
Yep, um, and I kept on askingand begging them anyways.
In between, I ended up havingto go into an ambulance and be
put on oxygen.
I couldn't keep.
I couldn't breathe properly.
Um, I got myself so worked upthat the ambulance um drivers
were like if you don't settleyour breathing down, you're

(21:20):
going to end up in hospital.
Because my blood pressure wasthrough the roof and I couldn't
get my breathing to regulate,like it was very I can't even
describe it, it's still verymuch a blur but I just remember
them being like slow breaths inand out and that just wasn't
happening and I was gettingangry because I was like you
don't even know how I'm feelingright now.

(21:44):
You can't tell me how to breathe, like it's my body reacting?
Yes, anyways.
Um, my dad had, he had atrailer and he had packed his
entire trailer and car withwhatever objects he thought
would have been wanted by people.
Important things, yeah,important things, majority of it
being my stuff, and also his DJequipment that he obviously

(22:10):
couldn't let go.

Speaker 1 (22:11):
He was like I'm not partying with that, no.

Speaker 4 (22:14):
I wish there were other things of his that I just
think he just wasn't thinkingabout any of that.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
Crystal's dad was a part-time DJ as well.

Speaker 4 (22:24):
He loved to DJ and make people laugh, and just he
was an entertainer.

Speaker 1 (22:28):
He was an entertainer Anyways.
When did your mum and sisterfind out?
Did they come down?
They?

Speaker 4 (22:34):
knew.
I think Davin had let my mumknow that morning.
They knew, I think Davin hadlet my mum know that morning.
I think they knew quite early,but I think to the extent of
what they had been told byfamily who lived in the area not
to come there because it wasquite a traumatic scene to look
at One, your house is on fireand two, you've lost a family
member.
Yes, so they didn't actuallycome and witness any of the

(22:57):
things that I did, which hasbeen humongous for me in my life
because that day replayed for along time.

Speaker 1 (23:05):
I think it still does you have your moments even it
does, those traumatic moments.

Speaker 4 (23:10):
I don't know that I I was dreaming about him being in
a fire for months after Months.
I would see his face in flamesfor months and months and I kept
thinking about what did hisbody look like?

Speaker 3 (23:23):
it was quite a lot for me yeah, um, but anyways.

Speaker 4 (23:28):
So he had actually written on his front windscreen.
Um, he'd put a piece of paperin his front windscreen and it
said please call my daughter andmy phone number, and I think he
had my sister's phone numberunderneath.
Yeah, so he'd left he left.

Speaker 1 (23:43):
He was ready, he was, he was doing this.
The fact he packed everythinginto the trailer, he'd really
meticulously gone through thehouse and did he get like photo
albums or anything like thatphotos um my mom's cookbooks, um
anything any bits of mine like.

Speaker 3 (23:58):
I had like some old memorabilia from when I was a
teenager Photos my mum'scookbooks, anything.

Speaker 4 (23:59):
He felt Any bits of mine Like I had like some old
memorabilia from when I was ateenager, like CDs and just some
stuff that would have been inmy old bedroom.
Yep.
Some of the passed away, likegranny's things, all my teacups
that were there.
He had hand-wrapped them all.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
So they weren't previously hand-wrapped.

Speaker 4 (24:17):
No they were just sitting on like this cabinet in
a spare room, so he'd gone inthere.
Hand-wrapped them.
Hand-wrapped all of them into abox.

Speaker 1 (24:25):
Did he leave a note?

Speaker 4 (24:28):
He left a journal, pretty much.
It was a very thick A4 journalback-to-back and I think he'd
already started this prior.
It's very reading it.
I'm very aware that this issomething that he'd been
journaling.

Speaker 1 (24:42):
It was a lot.
Hey, there was a lot of writingin there.

Speaker 4 (24:45):
He'd been journaling, I think, for quite a while
about his feelings and then thelast obviously 24 hours or
whatever, he'd written a decentI want to say 10 to 20 pages
Very full on stuff Like it's.
At first when I read it itdidn't really make sense, but
the more I've read it over thetime it's almost like it's

(25:06):
cryptic.
Like he'd written a lot of it insong lyrics as well.
He was very musical.
Yes, I know to like some peoplethey might think, oh, that's a
bit weird, but for him to writein lyrics is like his life.
He listened to music every dayof his life.
He was really into music.
He connected with music.

Speaker 1 (25:23):
It does make sense to me that some songs they have a
feeling or a meaning.

Speaker 4 (25:29):
Why do you think music is written?
It's a breakup song, or it's awedding song, or we connect to
music, and I think so.
Bohemian Rhapsody is a songthat he had written his life in,
and this is why, whenever wehear this song, we always like
do a little tribute to him.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
We're like, hey, Dwayne, what?

Speaker 4 (25:49):
you doing.
That was his song.
He loved Freddie Mercury likeloved.

Speaker 1 (25:56):
Yeah, because he was wild.

Speaker 4 (25:56):
Like if dad was going to turn gay, he would turn gay
for Freddie Mercury.
Like loved yeah, because he waswild.
Like if dad was going to turngay, he would turn gay for
Freddie Mercury.
My mum and dad went on a cruiseand they had like a guy what is
it called?
Like a, you know, when theydress up like them and they
reenact all the songs and yeah,like an impersonator, yeah like
a tribute impersonator.
My dad went three days in a row.
He just loved it.
He loved it so much like evenhad a photo with this dress-up.

Speaker 1 (26:19):
Guy was obsessed he like freddie mercury is he's a
sexy, like he was a sexy man.
Yeah, he was also incredibleand larger than life.
Yeah, and full of personality,a lot like your dad actually was
in the flesh.
Yeah, so you've received thesecalls.
Yeah, life has now changedforever 100 so moving on.

(26:45):
So, like what did you do?
Like after you, after it's allsaid and done, after the funeral
the funeral didn't happen for,I think, a month see that felt
like a really long time and itwas because there were not an
investigation.

Speaker 4 (27:03):
But yeah, I think he had to go to the coroner and it
took a long time that, becauseof him being in a fire, they had
to do like obviously, obviouslymake.
DNA, that's right.
Pull records from his dentistto make sure, which, even though
I knew he was in a fire, Istill wanted to see him and they
just wouldn't allow it.
Um, they just said that as aperson, I would not be able to

(27:28):
cope with, actually, but I keptthinking surely what I'm seeing
in my head is worse than what itcould actually be?
That's what I kept thinking.

Speaker 1 (27:35):
I think as well.
They probably don't want you toremember that as the last thing
you see.

Speaker 4 (27:39):
I know, but then for the rest of my life I'm going to
be wondering.

Speaker 1 (27:43):
You have said this I have.

Speaker 4 (27:45):
I still am like did dad fake his death?

Speaker 1 (27:47):
Why I'm going to get the giggles here, because I just
I know what he's like.
I know what you're like.
I, just like she sometimes hassaid to me, I feel like dad's
just gonna pop up and be like Ifaked it all, fucked it here.
I am bitches, I don't know why.

Speaker 4 (27:59):
I just think that, like I know that it was him, his
teeth records.
It was all him.
You know, they gave us hisearring.
It was him, but I just alwaysin the back of my head yeah, I
don't have any closure.
There's not proper closure.

Speaker 1 (28:21):
No, doesn't feel real .
Actually.
I remember when my um non diedand I didn't want to see her in
the casket, but I knew that if Ididn't, I wouldn't believe it
yeah, that's right.
I had to see it and it hasactually, like it, stuck.
That image of her didn't looklike her, didn't feel like her
to me, um it's.
I kind of regret that that wasthe last image that I saw of her
, but I get that because Ididn't believe yeah that she was

(28:43):
gone because I didn't get tosee her, that I felt like I
needed to see him.

Speaker 4 (28:47):
Yeah, I know that sounds messed up, because in no
way, shape or form does anybodylook nice when they've been in a
house fire, like I can'timagine he would be looking nice
.
But it just I just didn't feelreal and it just I yeah, I don't
know, I don't know why Ithought that, but anyways, I did
wait until they wheeled outwhat was.

(29:09):
You know, dad, they did have itcovered and that didn't give me
a sense of relief.
But then I kind of knew okay,they've taken him out of the
house and I wouldn't leave untilthat part was done.
And I still, like that full daywas just, I was numb, there was
not an inch of any kind of.

(29:30):
I cried the full morning andthen I just sat in this state of
like numbness.

Speaker 1 (29:37):
So in the months following what was going on for
you, like, did you work, couldyou work?
No, how were people?
I know your people get reallyawkward, so at first it's
everyone checking in on you.

Speaker 4 (29:51):
I don't think we, I don't think I announced it on my
platform for like a week or twoand I did.
It was like radio silence.
I went into a really dark place.
Obviously, when you losesomebody to suicide, it was a
shock for the entire family.
Whole entire family was shocked.
But some things were said I'mnot going to mention names, but

(30:14):
some things were said by certainpeople that felt almost like I
was, felt like I was beingattacked and I just lost a major
, huge person in my life so whatwere they?

Speaker 1 (30:27):
was it just insensitive or was it?

Speaker 4 (30:30):
I think it was just still that they were also
shocked about what had justhappened and it didn't make
sense and why and how and whoand why you, and why did he
write your name?
And it was just a lot.
It was a lot.
But yeah, you know, and now Ithink about it, I'm like hurt
things, make people do hurtthings yep hurt people, hurt
people yeah that's what I wantedto say.

Speaker 1 (30:51):
I know you did came out wrong.

Speaker 4 (30:53):
Yeah that you're in the hurt people hurt people.
So now I can see that, but inthe time I was just like why is
this happening?
I just want my dad, yep.

Speaker 1 (31:04):
And also I was mad at him.
Yeah, see the stages of grief,that's important.
So angry, so you were really,you were shocked.

Speaker 4 (31:12):
Shocked, angry, sad, depressed.
So angry, for a while Like somad that he could leave me.
Yep.
Like we went to each other foreverything, like I'm not going
to say I had an abnormalrelationship with my dad, but I
find a lot of people have closerrelationships with their mums.

Speaker 1 (31:33):
And you were really close to your dad.

Speaker 4 (31:34):
So close to dad, like in my previous business.
We worked together everyweekend.
We were the two clowns like,joking around constantly.
There wasn't ever a dry eye,like I'm telling you now.
I don't know how many times Ialmost pissed my pants with him.
He just knew how to make melaugh.

Speaker 1 (31:50):
He was so funny and that's the thing you after that,
you closed, you sold carnivalcreations, you sold the business
.

Speaker 4 (31:57):
You couldn't do it without him within, if I think I
mentioned it to my husband, Iwas like I don't want to do this
anymore.
I can't, I physically can't, Idon't want to.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
It's not him.

Speaker 4 (32:05):
The weekend after he died, I actually had to do a job
.
It was a Friday.
I think he'd passed away on theMonday and the Friday.
I can't do it.
And my husband was like yourdad would be so mad at you if
you cancelled on this person fortheir wedding.
He's like he would be mad atyou.

(32:25):
So my whole entire family Ireckon there was about six of us
rocked up to do the wedding.
Half of them didn't even knowwhat they were doing, but they
were just like tell me what todo, unwrap this, put that there.
I did it so numb, with noemotion.
I was not there really like myhands knew how to do the work
but my brain wasn't there.
Yeah, no, that's fair and Iremember the photographer.

(32:48):
Somebody had said to her youknow, her dad just passed away
Monday and she was in shock.
She was like why is she hereanyways?
The bride ended up finding outand I got the longest email
saying she couldn't believe thatI just had a massive loss and I
was at her wedding and sheappreciated and she couldn't
believe it and she was in shock,but for me I was like I don't

(33:09):
know, I just did it just got itdone.
You're like I just didn't, and Ithink that was probably one of
the last events that I did to behonest yep um, I think I'd
cancelled a few.
I was just done.
I could not go to another eventwithout him and you sold it
fairly soon after.
I put it up and within threehours it sold there you go.

Speaker 1 (33:29):
It is wild, I just it .
It does feel surreal, like Ifeel even just you talking about
it it's still to some pointdoesn't feel real, and I've
watched you go through the upsand the downs of grief.
It's two years on and itdoesn't necessarily get better
at all.

Speaker 4 (33:47):
People always say that it does, but like it
doesn't, does it In some ways itdoesn't feel easier, or this is
like I don't want to saycontroversial, but, like you
know, people always say like, oh, you'll get.
Not get over it, but like Timeheals your wounds.

(34:08):
Yeah, I don't know you get tolda million things.
When you lose somebody reallyclose, they'll be like, don't
worry, you'll feel better soon,or whatever they say.
I think I heard a milliondifferent quotes, or whatever
they say.
I think I heard a milliondifferent quotes, but I'm not
going to say that I think youget good at living with your
grief.
Yes.
You get good at living with yourgrief.

(34:29):
But the grief is still there,Never does it ever go away.
You get good at just living dayto day with it.

Speaker 1 (34:35):
You learn to live with it.
You learn to live with it.
It doesn't go away.

Speaker 4 (34:38):
No, it doesn't go away.
There's going to be things.
You know.
I remember at work.
One day I was walking to thebottle shop to buy some alcohol
for work and on the floor was ahomeless man sleeping and from
the back it looked like my dad.
I wanted to wake this person upto see if it was him.
In that moment my brain wassaying there's your dad just

(34:59):
sleeping on the street Becausehere, remember, he faked his
death.
He's now a homeless person.
These are the things that mybrain was telling me.
So still to this day, I willsee somebody wearing short
shorts because he wore the mostridiculous short scaffolding
shorts.
Could almost see his bumhanging out the bottom, with the
rubber thongs, walking throughbunnings right, and it will

(35:20):
catch your eyes Back of his head, with a cap on short shorts and
rubber thongs, walking throughBunnings right, and it will
catch your eyes Back of his headwith a cap, on short shorts and
rubber thongs, and I rememberseeing a guy in Bunnings and I
just started crying, honestlyjust started crying, and I know
this person isn't my dad, but100% he reminded me of my dad.
He had the tan lines where theshort shorts are meeting.

(35:41):
You know, the rest is white andit's so everything just and I
think for the rest of my life,like I'm gonna have reminders of
songs smells he smelt like adirty cigarette and now that's
got like the best if I smell,that smell now I'm like dad, um

(36:01):
yeah, like he was a hard workerso he smelt like most of the
time, cigarettes and BO.
But now when I smell thatcigarette BO smell, I'm like I
miss that smell.

Speaker 1 (36:13):
You miss it.
Yeah, it's your memories of him, yeah.

Speaker 4 (36:16):
And also his aftershave.
You know I've got a work shirtof his from the house and we
actually did put it through thewash because it actually smelt
like the ash from the fire.
But then, after it was washed,it smelt like him.
And you're like yeah, so Istill kind of sniff that from
time to time.
Yeah.
And I still listen.
You know I had to disconnecthis phone and it took me a year.

(36:39):
I was paying his phone bill fora full year.

Speaker 1 (36:42):
So you could listen to like, so that I could just
call it and it and it ring and,like me, listen.

Speaker 4 (36:48):
Actually, I don't know if it rang, I think it just
went straight to voicemail, butjust so that I could have that,
and I remember my husbandsaying let's just download it.
We can download his, you know,voice recording.
So now I've got that, so youknow, but anyways, anyways, it's
just there's going to bereminders and for me I have a
lot of abandonment issues now,um, a lot of abandonment.

(37:10):
I'm really afraid of peoplethat I love leaving me and I'm
not going to say that's a greattrait to have.

Speaker 1 (37:15):
It's actually not because I become quite clingy to
people but it's more of aresult of what you've been
through the trauma.

Speaker 4 (37:22):
Yeah, I was never like this prior, so now you
don't want to see that someoneelse that's important in your
life leave no it actually makesme feel ill, like if I'm going
to lose somebody that I careabout, like I have major
abandonment issues now and quitea few trust issues as well
because of everything that'shappened.

(37:43):
And also, too, things triggerme, different things that people
will say to me Sounds.

Speaker 1 (37:53):
I know that with you.
Just yeah, sirens, yep, sirenstrigger me.
Yep, there's just things nowthat, yeah, it's like I have to
learn to live with my triggersdo you find that, in your
opinion, people when they'retalking you're like how did you
lose your dad?
And you say suicide, that it isan awkward moment sometimes and

(38:15):
that there's shame still aroundthat?

Speaker 4 (38:18):
I think they get shocked that I openly speak
about it.

Speaker 1 (38:20):
yes, I think I think they do too, to be honest.

Speaker 4 (38:22):
Yeah, and also too, I think, because I've spoken
about it so much, to me it's notthat traumatic anymore.
Like I don't know it helps you.
It is still, you know, losingsomebody that you love in a
house fire, especially when youknow that they purposely lit it.
Of course that.
But now to me, because I'vespoken about it so much.
But when I'm telling the storyto somebody, their face is like

(38:42):
they're really in shock.
Yeah.
They're shocked.
They can't believe that I'mspeaking about it so Openly.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
Well, openly and like naturally, I don't know how to
you know what I mean, because Ihave always felt that people
feel that it's a taboo subject.
Yeah, there is shame around itand it shouldn't I mean 100%.

Speaker 4 (39:04):
I know that dad didn't openly speak about it to
anybody.
Maybe he spoke about it with mymum.
Yep.
But I don't think he openlytold people hey, I'm not having
a good day.

Speaker 1 (39:13):
I'm feeling good.

Speaker 4 (39:14):
I sometimes think about killing myself.
I don't think he openly saidthat to anybody.
I think he hid it quite well.
Yep.
And even maybe was lying tohimself a little bit and I think
that night he must have gotinto some sort of decision
making of no, this is it.

Speaker 1 (39:30):
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm done with this pain thatI'm feeling.
Yep, it is full on.
I just yeah, it's still.
I mean, just watching from afaras your friend, it is surreal
to think that it even happenedsometimes.
And then I am really proud ofyou that you talk about it.
To be honest, I love how openyou are about it, because not
everybody can be and hearingthese stories are important.

(39:53):
This is part of life.
Suicides happen every singleday.
So often, too often, and welike to just push that like it
doesn't exist.
We push that out.
Oh, think positively, let'spretend that bad stuff doesn't
exist.
If we do actually start talkingabout it, maybe if your dad did

(40:14):
talk about it more or didn'tfeel like shame and was open
about it and didn't try to maskit with a smile which you know
what.
To be honest, I completelyunderstand why he did it, I've
done it and, yeah, maybe hewould have been able to.

Speaker 4 (40:28):
Do you know?
What actually shocked me wasthat morning I'll never forget.
The constable that was theresaid that he attends a house
fire at least once or twice afortnight of men that have burnt
their houses down.
Where is that ever Like?
How would anybody?
I know we don't want to promotesuicide, like look like we're

(40:51):
trying to promote suicide in anykind of way of like hey, look,
another man's taking their life,but it needs to be made more
aware that people are doing this.

Speaker 1 (40:59):
I wouldn't have known that every second week he
attends a house burnt downspecifically and most commonly
by a male.

Speaker 4 (41:08):
I think men have like a connection to their
surroundings of like this is myhouse.
No one else is going to livehere.
You know, after a breakup aswell, it's like no one ever is
going to live here but me.
Yes.
That's where a lot of thatcomes from, I think, and that's
why he went down that road.

Speaker 1 (41:23):
So think and that's why so he went down that way.

Speaker 4 (41:24):
The breakup did trigger in some ways no one else
was ever going to have thathouse by him.
Yep, and that's why he did whathe did he wanted to and I know
that some people are never goingto understand why and even
myself, like, I'm still notgoing to understand why he chose
that path, but I have to acceptit.
That's the way that he wantedto leave and, yes, it was

(41:48):
horrible for me to watch andactually a few months after, my
cousin went to a medium psychicum, and my dad took over the
whole thing.
He could not wait to talk aboutit.
I know and she obviously shewent there to talk about it, I
know.
And she obviously she wentthere to talk about her own, you
know, maybe loss ofgrandparents or whatever, but

(42:09):
dad couldn't wait.
He just and he did say duringthat that he's sorry that I was,
I had to see it and he didn'tthink about it.
So I think in that time hedidn't realise how much it was
going to affect me.

Speaker 1 (42:22):
Yeah, he wasn't thinking that way at all.
No, he was just thinking abouthis pain.

Speaker 4 (42:27):
But I was thinking about it.
I kept thinking like how,putting my name on the car, and
you knew I was going to be thefirst one here and you knew I
was going to see this and youknew how I was going to feel
yeah, you knew what it was goingto do to me.
I just kept thinking that overand over again, like I felt so
hurt by him.
Yeah, going to do to me.

Speaker 1 (42:42):
I just kept thinking that over and over again, like I
felt so hurt by him.
Yeah, that's where that angercame in as well.

Speaker 4 (42:45):
Anger, and the anger of like you left me.
You didn't even say goodbye tome, which obviously his
conversation the night beforewas his version of saying
goodbye.

Speaker 1 (42:54):
Yeah, but I was so mad.
I think as well this justbrings up.
The most important thing of allis that you need to ask people
if they're okay, even the onesthat look happy, even the ones
that aren't showing it, and youneed to be ready to listen.
It's not just a superficial howyou're going and two.

Speaker 4 (43:13):
We've had this conversation before when, like,
somebody asked you how you'regoing and people have asked me
and I've said, not so good.
They're like, oh, that's ashame.
Move on to the next subject.
There's no, everyone feelsawkward about you not being okay
and that needs to stop.
Yep, like you need to be ableto have a conversation with
somebody and actually open yourdamn ears and be like, even if

(43:34):
it's so uncomfortable for you tolisten to.
You know, like I recently wentthrough another dark time and I
reached out to you and it wasit's it's awkward and
uncomfortable to tell somebodyhow you're feeling, but at the
same time, all you did waslisten and support me yeah,
there's not a lot, you can youknow, you could have been like
oh, this is uncomfortable, I'llchat to you another time you've

(43:57):
got to be read like.

Speaker 1 (43:59):
You can't take the chance if you have the time, do
it.
Yeah, like listen and actuallylisten.
You don't even have to have aresponse.
Sometimes they just need you tolisten to them.
And.
I think you just wanted to getstuff off your chest, yeah, and
I didn't.

Speaker 4 (44:16):
I wasn't comfortable.
Yes, I told my husband, but Ifelt comfortable telling you how
I was feeling and I think ifsomebody is reaching out to you,
please don't fob them off, likeif somebody's actually telling
you I'm not doing, okay, rightnow I maybe need somebody to
speak to, like, just listen,that's it.
You don't have to give advice.

(44:37):
You're not a fucking therapistlike, yeah, just listen and even
occasionally just check in howyou're going.

Speaker 1 (44:44):
I was thinking of you today.
I know that it can be hard toto be a friend or be a kid, a
child, a daughter to someonethat does suffer with mental
health.
My dad has suffered depressionmost of his life, most of my
childhood.
I have struggled being thatdaughter because it can be hard

(45:11):
watching them disconnect.
He has been like not more openabout it, but I don't think he's
had a choice.
Yeah.
So his mental health has takenhim down a path where he just
doesn't want to get out of bedor didn't want to talk, or is
completely numb, even to us ashis family and projects stuff.

(45:33):
And it can be really hard togrow up in that.
But so many people including,like people that were close to
him were like just get over it,you've got a good life, get over
it.
What have you got to be sadabout?
They've actually said that shitto him and I'm like that has
done no good.

(45:54):
He's doing really well now.
Don't get me wrong.

Speaker 4 (45:58):
But it's the same with new mums.
You know they get postnataldepression.
People are like what are youupset about you with new mums?

Speaker 1 (46:07):
you know, they get postnatal depression.

Speaker 4 (46:08):
People like what are you upset about?

Speaker 1 (46:08):
you've got a brand new baby and you're happily
married and you've got a newhome, whatever the case may be,
and it's like get over it, yeah,and and to have that said to
you and completely dismiss thatmental health exists is so like,
of course.
Then you go back into yourshell and you don't want to tell
anyone and you hide it.
And even what you said withpostnatal depression, it really
fucking hits home yeah becausethat was me, and people after

(46:29):
the fact that I've come outnearly three years later have
only said to me now oh, I knewyou weren't yourself.
I knew you were in a dark place, I knew that wasn't you thanks
for checking in and I was like Ineeded.
I didn't know I needed you.
Yeah, I actually didn't.
When you're in it, you don'tknow that you need someone.
It's weird.
I think you know what I mean.
Yeah.
But at the time I wish you wouldhave asked me how I was.

(46:52):
I wish you would have just comeover and sat with me.
So, you didn't feel so alone,so I didn't feel alone, so I had
someone to cry with, that Icould actually open up with, and
you don't know, you need ituntil.

Speaker 4 (47:05):
And this is the thing A lot of people that are facing
these things do feel very alone, yeah, and depression does not
always look the same, that'salso another important thing I
need to touch base here.
Sometimes people will pushpeople away.
They might get angry, theymight be sad.
There's so many different facesof depression, like with my dad

(47:27):
.
He hit it so well like he wassmiling and laughing literally
days before.
So just remember thatdepression does not always look
the same and you know your bestfriend, your mom, your sister
could be going through it andmaybe they're hiding it and you
don't know.
So I think it's important toopen up those conversations,
make it more of a a common thingthat we talk about our emotions
.
I wish I had have done it morewith dad.

(47:49):
Honestly, I wish that wassomething that we talked about
more.
Maybe I would have had moreinsight onto what was going on.
Yeah, so just like constantlychecking in with people.
That's like one major thing Ican say now, because the amount
of suicides that are happeningevery year.
It is insane everybody.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
I'm gonna say it everybody knows someone that has
taken their own life, or knowsomebody that has had someone in
their life take their own life.
And it's all too common, it's.
It doesn't discriminate and itdoesn't even discriminate.
It doesn't discriminate betweenchildren, doesn't even
discriminate.
It doesn't discriminate betweenchildren or adults or men or
women.

Speaker 4 (48:28):
I know that the common age group for men was 15
to 22.
That's the most common agegroup for suicide in men.

Speaker 1 (48:34):
So young.

Speaker 4 (48:34):
So young.
Like my son is two years awayfrom being 15 and that scares
the crap out of me, yeah.

Speaker 1 (48:39):
So we've got to have these conversations from from a
young age.
I think it does start young,especially if you're a mom like
and we were saying about yourdad it wasn't common and it
wasn't common for my dad to talkabout, it was embarrassing.
Yeah, you don't tell peopleyeah because that was the way
they were raised.
Men had to be strong men don'tcry, boys don't cry yeah that is

(49:02):
still very prevalent, I reckon,even in today's society, 100%.

Speaker 4 (49:05):
That hasn't left.
How many times have you seen,you know, a man say to his child
grow up, stop acting like agirl yep, you're a pussy yeah,
just things like so triggeringfor me, like just don't ever say
that to your son or yourdaughter yep like oh, I have
heard even from people within myown age group like put down

(49:28):
their son, um for dressing alittle bit too girly or, you
know, show off their feminine,feminine side.

Speaker 1 (49:36):
Yeah, and being told that you know that's how it
starts.

Speaker 4 (49:40):
This is how mental health issues start like, and we
might not realize that we'redoing it to our own children.
Yeah, just be careful, becauseyour mind is just a very
delicate object it is I've.

Speaker 1 (49:53):
We can all relate to that.
All of us have been throughstuff so exactly.

Speaker 4 (49:59):
Take care of your mind and I think you know it is
very important that if you don'thave that you know support
around you, you don't havereally anybody to reach out to.
There are companies likeLifeline, beyond Blue, the Black
Dog Institute.
There's so many differentoutlets now that you can reach

(50:21):
out to and just literally voice,just have a chat.

Speaker 1 (50:24):
That's what they're there for.
They're not judging you.
They know nothing about yourlife.
They know nothing about youpersonally, but sometimes, like
Crystal said before, you justneed someone to listen.
So if you are out there and youare experiencing intrusive
thoughts or you are strugglingwith your mental health in any
capacity, please remember thatyou can talk to somebody and you

(50:48):
know lifeline is there.
They are 13, 11, 14 that'stheir number.
There are different places thatyou can even go in person talk
to your gp about it, talk tofamily, talk to your friends.
If your work colleagues ask you, tell them.
And a lot of workplaces I willmention actually offer a lot of
like.
A lot of workplaces now havecounselling support, which is

(51:10):
all anonymous so you can just goto your HR department and say
look, I'm looking at, I needsome help there's like they
offer sessions with.

Speaker 4 (51:18):
Yeah, I think the one thing that did shock me was my
son was suffering with somemental health and we went on a
mental health plan and we wentto a private psychologist and
the sessions are still $100 plusright.
So they gave me the option waiton a waiting list or go and see

(51:39):
somebody now and pay for it.
Yep, for me, I was goingstraight away to pay for it.
But there are people out therethat don't have that extra money
, they don't have that privilegeof being able to pay for it and
the fact that they have to waitone, two, three years to see
somebody, I'm still shocked.
Like we pay so much money intaxes.

(51:59):
Why is this not a free service?

Speaker 1 (52:01):
I think like how can they put the risk with people's
mental health and say, go on awaiting list for three years
because it's still not takenseriously enough?

Speaker 4 (52:09):
like, how many people need to commit suicide?
Honestly, how many?
I understand that there isphone lines that you can call.
Yeah, but if you're not doingwell, go to a hospital straight
away.
Exactly if you go to a hospital.
If you rock up to royal perthand you say, look, I'm not doing
well, go to a hospital straightaway.
Exactly If you go to a hospital.
If you rock up to Royal Perthand you say, look, I'm not doing
well, they will take you instraight away.
Fuck this, waiting two to threeyears to see somebody, nuh-uh.

Speaker 1 (52:32):
There's so much privilege as well, assuming that
everybody suffering with mentalhealth has the money to pay for
therapy or to do somethingabout it, or even that they have
like a support system.
Yeah, because even like yourdad had a beautiful support
system, had a big family, anyonewould have fucking been really

(52:52):
open and willing to help hadthey would have known.
But not everyone even has thatno so it is quite like
privileged to think thateverybody can access these you
know services.
That's right, and that's reallysad as well, so I'm really
fucking glad we're talking aboutthis.
And we will continue to,because there's a lot of passion

(53:12):
behind Bearing it All and wewant to carry on Dwayne's legacy
.
He was a good man, he was a funman and he would fucking love
that we were chatting about him.
He would love it, he would befrothing right now and I got
goosebumps, but I always I'msort of thinking right here like
you know the things you learnfrom pain and the way that you

(53:36):
can grow from pain, and you know, teach others and do something
good with it.
That's what we're doing here.
That's what you're doing.
So many good things havehappened.
You've done so many incrediblethings since.
I'm so proud of you.

Speaker 4 (53:53):
I literally just do everything now, like I could die
tomorrow.

Speaker 1 (53:58):
Does his death change your perspective of death and
your?

Speaker 4 (54:02):
life itself.
It just makes me think why am Isaying no to opportunities when
I could literally die tomorrow?

Speaker 1 (54:08):
Do you have more of an appreciation for life?
I should have said then.

Speaker 4 (54:11):
I don't know if I appreciate life more because I
feel like there's not enoughhours in a day and literally a
blink of an eye the day's over.
But I think now I just throwcaution to the wind.
In everything I do now I'm likewhat's the worst that could
happen?

Speaker 1 (54:25):
Yeah, I could not be here.
It definitely has changed theway you live.

Speaker 4 (54:29):
Yes, and everyone keeps on saying to me you're so
fearless, like you just dothings how and why, and I'm like
well, why can't you?

Speaker 1 (54:37):
Yeah, you only get.
Apparently we only live once,which we don't know.
But let's live well, that'sright.

Speaker 4 (54:44):
Yeah, do the damn thing.
Like I'm always going to bescared Don't get me wrong Like
I'm going to be afraid.
I'm super afraid of death.
I don't want to die anytimesoon.
I don't want to leave my kidsbehind.
I don't want to leave myfriends behind.

Speaker 1 (55:10):
I don't want to leave my husband behind, like I don't
want to die.
But if it happens and ithappens, at least I know I've
lived.
I tried to live the best Icould.
Yes, so guys, live well.
We all deserve to have the mostbeautiful full lives um for
yourself don't hold yourselfback and you deserve to be happy
.
If you're not in a good stateright now, you actually deserve
happiness, and I can promise youthis, even from personal
experience.
They always say this too, shallpass.

(55:30):
And you think, when you're inthe depths of it, when you're
sitting there depressed, sad,questioning how you're feeling
about this life that you, youare, you will never get out of
it.
It just feels like it's so darkyou cannot see the light.
But every day you fight and youfight and eventually you're

(55:50):
like you look back and you go.
Oh my God, I made it.

Speaker 4 (55:55):
But that also doesn't mean that you'll go into a dark
hole again.
You can.
It's sometimes just a fuckingdeep ocean and you're just
swimming, that's right, justkeep swimming.
Sometimes you're swimming andit's fucking rough and it's wavy
and you're getting dunked andyou're swallowing water, and
then other times you're justkind of floating along.

Speaker 1 (56:10):
That's right, you're riding the waves bitches.
I was like fucking life is afucking roller coaster it is.
Sometimes you're literallyshitting your pants on the way
down and then you're cruising upand you're enjoying the ride
and you're screaming out ofexcitement and then you're
fucking terrified again becauseyou think you're gonna die.
So yeah, like you're not alone.
That's our biggest message.

Speaker 4 (56:30):
I think you are not alone ever.
You're never, ever alone.

Speaker 1 (56:34):
So we're gonna leave you with this crystal.
Please impart us with somewisdom, some love, and you know
your thoughts.

Speaker 4 (56:46):
Look, it's so hard for me because of everything
I've gone through, but I justthink at the end of the day,
like you're never, ever a burdenon anybody.
And this is the one thing thatmy dad thought.
He thought he was going to be aburden on me.
He thought he was going to be aburden on everybody, which is
why he didn't say the things hedid, and he thought that if we

(57:07):
had to live with him being theway he was, he would burden us.
You're not a burden on anybody.
I love that.
You are never going to be aburden on anybody.
I can guarantee there aremultiple people in your life
that love you, and somebody isgoing to be there to care about
what you're going through.
So don't ever, ever, ever, everthink you're a burden.
That's the one thing if I couldpass on to anybody.

(57:30):
Just know that, because, yeah,I know that there's probably a
million people in the world thatthink they're a burden on
somebody, but you are not.

Speaker 1 (57:38):
You matter.
You matter, yeah, the way youshow up who you are in this
world.
It it does matter.
You're unique.
You're not supposed to be likeeverybody else.
So if you are in ever of needof a chat or you feel that you
need to talk to someone, like wesaid, we're going to pop all
the information we can in theshow notes.
There's lifeline beyond blue.

(57:59):
All their numbers will be there.
But also don't forget to checkin and ask people if they are
okay.
Not just on one day a year,every day of the year, anytime.
Check in on your friends, yourfamily, your loved ones and your
work colleagues, and alwaystake care of yourselves and take
care of each other.

Speaker 4 (58:17):
Love you, love you too bye.