November 25, 2025 • 39 mins
The mic is back on, the candles are out, and something real has shifted. Turning thirty-nine didn’t just add a number; it lifted a weight. I’m sharing how a quiet weekend in Virginia, a birthday test, and a year of honest work pulled me from disorganized attachment toward secure ground—and what that means for faith, family, and everyday peace.
I open up about living in fight-or-flight for years and finally getting the language to name it. We explore how attachment styles shape our relationships with people and with God, why trust feels hard when your body expects danger, and how quick fixes keep wounds open. This is an unhurried look at healing: slowing the pace, letting God be God, and staying on the table long enough for deep work and full recovery. I talk about the apology I owed my kids, the compassionate truths I told my parents, and the boundaries that protect love instead of punish people.
You’ll hear practical takeaways—recognizing triggers, building secure practices, setting small consistent boundaries, and letting worthiness come from being chosen, not from constant performance. We also cover a few life updates: going back to school at WGU, writing in progress, and a commitment to a real release schedule. If you’ve ever felt stuck between wanting closeness and fearing it, or if faith feels distant because survival is loud, this story will give you language, hope, and next steps.
If this resonates, share it with a friend who’s fighting for healing, subscribe for weekly episodes, and leave a review to help more people find the show. And keep an eye out as I re-upload past episodes to Spotify and Apple under “Rewind”—for now, they’re on YouTube.
Birthday Song Download
https://youtu.be/hdSGu_K-74A?si=DOMESRhthy3uKAng
You are Loved!
Not just a little, but greatly
Not just today, but forever
Not just by some,
But by the ONE who created you in His Love
And HE's Not The ONLY One
We Love You Unconditionally
&
There's nothing you can do to change it!!!!
Listen and Subscribe on Youtube
https://youtube.com/@beclaypod?si=qY0dYDYXxviLM-l6
Follow Me on Instagram
@beclaypod
Follow I Spy You Buy for the best Philly Thrift Experience!!
@ispyyoubuy
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:49):
Hello, everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (00:51):
Hi, hi.
Welcome.
Ola, right?
Uh, it's been a long time.
It's been a while, but I'm here.
Uh, welcome back.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to the B ClayPodcast.
It's been forever, I understand.
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I miss you guys.
Um, and uh, I will say, do you Iwill ask, did you miss me?
(01:14):
But I know because you've beentelling me that you missed me.
You've been asking me, hey,Elisa, like what's going on?
Like, did you just stop it?
Was that it?
Like, uh, you know, send thesmoke screen signals and just
say, um, are you like when's thenext one coming out?
Like, what happened?
I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.
I'm here though.
(01:34):
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
So I'm back.
And I will definitely tell youthough, I definitely can tell
you that I am not the sameperson that left.
Um, we have a lot of things havea lot of things have happened,
and and as you can hear from thebeginning, uh happy birthday to
(02:00):
me.
SPEAKER_01 (02:01):
Happy birthday to me.
SPEAKER_00 (02:05):
Um technically it's not November.
I mean, October no more.
We are in November, but um, Istill just passed the birthday
and um I'm still celebratingbecause like I'm really excited.
Um I'm really excited becausethere's not that many times that
I can say that I feel new.
(02:25):
Like I feel brand new since Ihave a birth, you know, I'm in
I'm 39 now, but I feel likechapter 39 is gonna be great.
Chapter 38 wasn't bad, it wasgreat as well.
I'm not because one thing I do,I like to learn.
And so I learned a lot.
But uh I just I'm telling you,like a switch, I don't know.
(02:46):
I I keep saying the switch wentoff, but it's just I just feel
like I feel like a totally newperson.
Um, I really do.
I feel like a totally newperson.
And so I'm still celebrating I'mcelebrating the newness.
These uh what's today?
So what I've been 39 for whattwo weeks now, but I so in these
(03:09):
first few weeks of my birthday,even on a even on the day of my
birthday, the day of mybirthday, uh, something happened
and but it was amazing.
The funny part is if I reallyexplained it to the person,
like, oh, you don't understandhow much, like, how like I
(03:30):
walked out of here ready.
I I was so happy because youreally just showed me how much I
have healed.
That if this was last year, ifthis was the year before, like
when you know, we're we in 25now, we in 25 now, so 24, 23,
this was 23, and but even lastyear, even this time last year,
(03:54):
because I still was kind of likeit was good, but like I still
was a lot of like that wouldhave been a trigger, but it
wasn't, and I was so excited,like oh my god, like I was so
excited.
What day, what better way tocelebrate the first day of
(04:15):
chapter 39 when you're tested,and uh like and you realize this
didn't even affect me.
I I was so excited, okay?
So I've been excited for likethe last two weeks and even
before then because um yeah.
So, with all that being said,we're about to get into this
(04:36):
episode.
Uh I'm welcome back.
I'm here, and um, this is notgonna be the last time you
talked.
I'm really gonna do better asfar as getting these things out
weekly and not like every otherother other week and things like
that.
We're gonna do better.
We get we have a schedule andwe're gonna follow it.
Uh, since the last time we havespoken, I have gone back to
(05:00):
school.
Yes, I did.
Uh your girl went back toschool.
Um, we're still working on it.
Um, because you know, I did getdiscouraged and I quit like five
times.
So uh when I started school, I'mlike I had a plan, like, yeah,
I'ma do this, I'm gonna do that,because I go to WGU, which is a
(05:21):
self-paced school.
I love it though.
It's just that I need to get ittogether.
I do uh my plan was to buy now,actually, because I started it
uh last December and we were inNovember.
So I'm supposed to be done bynow.
And because it's self-paced.
(05:42):
Like it's self-paced.
Like really, like I could bedone with my class in a week, if
that, a couple days, if I reallyfigure if I really do it, but it
didn't happen that way.
So, but we're working on it.
We're getting it, we're gettingit together, and we're gonna
finish fast because we ain't gottime.
(06:02):
Um, we don't got time.
Um, so no, I haven't, I'm stillwriting my books.
I haven't finished anything yet.
We're still working on that.
Um, but you know, I'm trying tothink that that is that
everything.
If it's not, I'll bring it upbecause I don't can't remember
that.
But that's definitely one of thethat's some updates on me and in
(06:23):
my life.
Um, so the last time we talked,I was 37 and we'll be turning
38.
And now I'm 39.
That's crazy.
It's been over a year.
Um, I should have had celebratedlike a whole like one year
something in June for thispodcast, and I wasn't even here
to celebrate.
So, but we're here now.
All that's in the past.
(06:43):
So I don't where do we begin,you guys?
Where do we begin?
So, because I just celebrated abirthday, and I just said that
I'm excited because these firstcouple of weeks of chapter 39
has been great, even before, letme see.
So I went to I went to Virginiathe weekend right before my
(07:07):
birthday.
Hi so you knew who I'm talkingto.
I went to visit my cousin, mysister cousin, and it was the
best, it was what I needed, andit it's just it was everything.
Uh all I did was eat for themost part, but it was great.
You know, who doesn't like toeat?
Okay, it was it was awesome.
(07:30):
It's uh my god, it was so goodfor me.
It was, it was so good.
And before I actually leftVirginia, I just like I f I
don't know, I I just changedlike in the midst of that
weekend.
I don't it wasn't even like aweek or so, but it really was a
weekend.
(07:50):
And by the time I came back,like on the like before I even
got on the train to get back toPhiladelphia, I just knew I was
like, I just knew this is this Iwas new.
Like I felt it.
Something happened.
I can't even tell you when ithappened, but it just like a
whole like a switch went off.
Like I just like boom, you'renew.
(08:11):
And um, I just knew things weregoing to be different.
And baby, like I'm loving, I'mloving this Alisa.
I'm I'm loving her.
I love her.
It's so great, it's so awesome.
I'm loving who I am and him.
(08:34):
I'm loving I'm I love theprocess it took for her to get
here.
So, so let's let's so with itbeing I took this first episode
back and I one thing that I havebeen saying even the more so
(09:01):
more than than I have been doingfor a very long time is been
talking about relationships andto really dig deep and talk
about relationships because whenI ended last year, my last
(09:24):
episode, I believe I think Istarted off talking about
relationships because I wastalking about well really what
what um like my relationshipwith God, right?
I think I began to reallyexplain because a lot of times
because people be asking me, youknow, or you know, they ask me
(09:50):
in a way, you know, especiallysince when I came back to God, I
told you guys, I told you, Icame back to God at 15 years
old, okay?
And we had a relationship when Iwas younger in my first few
years of my life, and then likeI kind of basically was like,
alright, God, like I want to bewith you, I really do, but um
(10:11):
being with you means that uh I'mgonna be by myself, and being
with you means that people aregonna beat me up, and I'm tired
of getting beat up, so maybe Ishould walk away.
But I still want to be with you,right?
Because I because you'reeverything, and um, I love you,
but so I was on the side, right?
And I'm up here and I'm doingwhatever I'm doing and trying to
(10:31):
do without him, but I I itreally wasn't working, right?
To be honest, I don't remember II was out there, I was doing
whatever, but in the back of mymind, I missed him, you know.
Um, and but I was like, dad, butif I go back to you all the way,
then like you know, I'm gonna bemyself and these people gonna
(10:55):
come at me.
And I because I went through alot, you know.
Um, who he created me to bewasn't something that a lot of
people wanted around, to behonest, because you know, and
and I said before, at first Ihad my grandmother with me, so
it didn't matter, but when shedied, I was just like, I'm by
(11:16):
myself.
Like, what is this?
I can't, you know, it's justgonna be me against everybody
else.
And I I don't know, I justdidn't I don't know.
But he still was there, he stillwas throughout the years before
I came to him totally.
He's still, you know, every nowand then like at least calling
me, and I'd be like, you know.
(11:40):
Um, but I always call to himwhen I need him, right?
When I'm in trouble, and I ohGod, please, like I'm telling
you, like, all right, all right,all right, like, you know, if
you get me out of this, I thankyou, guys.
Like, yo, like, this is crazybecause like I every time I
think about it, it's like, youknow how many times I have said
(12:02):
if you get me out of this, nowhe, out of all people, know that
I false promises.
Come on, right?
Like, I'm not really gonna dowhat I say I'm gonna do.
But he's in some cases he stillgot me out of a lot of things.
And he is so gracious, guys.
You don't understand, like, youdon't understand.
(12:23):
That's why I'm talking about,like, hey, come on.
So that's that's that's what I'mtalking about.
Relationship, okay?
That's what I'm talking aboutrelationship.
So I've been really talkingabout, I've been really, really,
really getting intorelationships because so last
(12:46):
year, as I was uh approaching my38th birthday, there were a lot
of things that I that um therewere some things that should I
say came to my attention when Irealized of why I should say
(13:14):
like the be the mentality that Ihad, the behaviors that I was
having, to is some things cameto my realization and explained
a lot.
Um see I think maybe around likeMarch or April or something like
that of last year, I have beenintroduced to the attachment
theories and understanding, andI think I might be bringing this
(13:35):
up um in my, you know, in myepisodes or something like that,
but I understood that, you know,the attachment theories and that
I'm up there for avoiding, likethe loud one, and it's uh or aka
disorganized.
I like that extra better, butum, I realized that I was
disorganized.
Attachment theory where you justcrazy all the time.
(13:57):
I'm just gonna say thateverything uh is a trigger to
you.
You read it to fight or you'reready to flight, right?
You rather to leave or you, youknow, or you're ready to fight.
Like it's just all the time.
And and and has been for awhile, but for a long time, it's
just that I kind of kept it tomyself.
I kinda kind of I did.
(14:18):
I kept it to myself.
I never talked to nobody aboutit.
I never, you know, I just but inthis mind of mine, it was always
it has been chaotic, okay?
You um everything was a trigger.
If someone gets too close, it'sa trigger.
If someone's trying to pullaway, it's a trigger.
(14:39):
Everything was a trigger.
And um, once I realized this andcame to realization, I was like,
God, I need to be secure.
Like I can't even be in you likethis, this is I can't I can't be
(15:02):
in you and with these anxietiesbecause it doesn't equate,
right?
And so, and we to a degree, umhe has God has like everything
that once I began to learn, Idid some lot of research and
(15:23):
watching all these YouTubevideos and reading some you know
different things, you know, Ibegan to, you know, some of the
things as I was reading, I said,oh God, that's why you were
telling me to do this, andthat's why you were telling me
to do that.
I didn't understand it.
But now that I have now that Iso I began to since April, once
(15:47):
I learned, once I learned thisand began to do more research of
why I was doing certain things,it is not just because of what I
was doing, certain things, butmy relationship with people
itself, like my parents orfriends or church members or
whatever case may be, wereco-workers or whatever.
It was also how my relationshipwith it affected my relationship
with God.
(16:07):
Do you understand?
Because I was treating God thesame way that I was treating
people, so I'm always ready.
So what God would say, Lisa, Igot you.
I'm like, no, I mean, not reallybecause like I gotta do this by
myself because I couldn't nevertrust people.
I always had to do things on myown, and so it really it really
(16:28):
affected, and I hated, I hatedit.
I did, I hated uh what myrelationship with him because I
want to be.
I there was a time where I wasso free in God, just so free in
him, and that was when I cameback to God when I was 15.
When I came back to God when Iwas 15, man, you I didn't you
(16:52):
couldn't tell me nothing, okay?
Because I was just so excitedthat God still wanted me because
he shouldn't still want me.
I have done so much to him,there's no way you still want
me.
I didn't care about nobody, Idon't care what people said to
me about me, whatever.
It didn't matter.
Like a lot of times people feltlike, you know, oh, you know,
like I didn't need to heldnobody accountable for anything
(17:14):
because God can do that on hisown.
But like I didn't care.
All I cared about was the factthat he still wants me.
Are you crazy?
What please?
I didn't even still want me.
I told y'all that, like, Ididn't even love myself, and for
you to still love me regardless,like really?
Okay, so when I came back tohim, it was just me and him, and
(17:40):
I loved it.
I I loved it.
Uh, I was like oil, like it wasbeautiful, right?
And then, you know, some thingshappened, and you know, did I
talk about it?
I don't know if I taught thelast part, but things happened.
Um with, you know, once I gotpregnant with my son, and
(18:05):
because of the way that he gothe was conceived, and it just
took me all the way back.
Like it's things, I mean, Idon't know.
I picked up a whole bunch ofstuff that things that it's just
it was bad, and I've beenfighting since my son is 20 now.
Oh my god, my son is 20 yearsold, guys.
(18:28):
But yeah, so my son is 20, andit's took and it took and I
can't even talk, but for 20years I've been trying to get
back to that person, back towhen I've just just me and God
are just so free, and 20 that'sa long time, you guys.
Uh so 20 years I've beenfighting, and I can say now that
(18:49):
I'm here, that's why I'm soexcited because I've been
fighting to get there and I'mhere.
So now let's go a bit.
Last year, so last year, uhapproaching 38, as I I knew that
I wasn't where I want to be inmy relationship with God because
everything that I have, everytime God said, like, you know,
(19:13):
hey, Elisa, you know, I got you,I'm like, okay, but I didn't
really, you know, I trust you,but I really didn't trust him,
right?
Every time, you know, he he justwe just been fighting, he'd been
trying, and I and I I couldn'tbecause I'm always thinking,
like, you know, I gotta I gottafight for myself, I gotta do
(19:36):
this myself, I gotta do this, Igotta do that, and you know, or
if you get too close, likeeventually you're gonna hate me
and you'll wanna walk away, so Igotta do all this extra stuff,
and then I'm not doing which I'msupposed to because I know I'm
supposed to be in you, but I'mnot there, and you know, and he
didn't like it.
He didn't like it at all.
He didn't like it because Ididn't it was just too much, and
(19:58):
he's been trying to tell methese things, and I just wasn't
it wasn't I won't say it wasn'tlistening, it's just it was a
lie, and the because I wasn'tlike I love to be in God's
presence.
Um it's the almost awesomething.
I don't know if that's a word,but it is what it is, but it's
also one thing everybody knowsabout me is I love his presence.
(20:20):
I am a worshiper, and I am onethat he allows to be able to
become and touch him, like inthe holies of holies.
You know, everyone can getthere, and I love being there.
I used to live there, you know,like I used to wake up, go
there, come go to sleep there.
It's amazing, and no flesh canglory in his presence, and
that's why.
So I am the way I am because Idon't got time to play, like you
(20:42):
no one is no one is um worth melosing being able to get into
God's presence because everybodycan be in the outer courts.
Do you understand that?
Anybody can be in the outercourts, but ain't no fun in no
outer courts.
I don't I can't I can't functionin outer courts, but them in the
corners beyond the veil, oh God,it's amazing.
(21:06):
So with all that, um, I couldn'tget there.
And um, and I know he wanted meto be there.
He yearned, I yearned, but Icouldn't get there in a state
that I was in.
And for a long time, for a longtime, I just been up and down,
(21:28):
up and down, up and down, up anddown.
And those that know me, know me,can you know attest that they
understand what it was.
They thought it was one, I mean,don't get me wrong, the one
there was one thing that helpedit, but it was a lot of things.
So we really began to likereally deep dive into the root
of why these things werehappening, because I couldn't
(21:51):
understand it.
And so I learned aboutdetachment.
And so within that, I learnedabout how and why I do the
things I do and the behaviorsand why I feel, um, the way the
thoughts that would come into myin my mind, like where I feel
like I'm either I like it'sridiculous, okay.
Thank God.
You understand?
(22:12):
Like, it was it was hard.
It's hard, like it's it's bad.
It was bad.
Like, I couldn't my mind insidemy mind.
I'm always ready to to to uhJesus God, it was so bad, it was
exhausting, it was exhausting,you guys.
(22:33):
It was exhausting.
So my I was I was determined,oh, we gotta be secure.
Okay, so in that I began to dealwith why how I got here, like
what what series of events thathappened in my life in my
childhood that caused me todevelop this that caused me to
(23:04):
develop this, and so we've beenable to do it.
So um, but now not only are wedoing it, but I'm telling
people, right?
Like, hey, listen, because I allthese anxieties and everything
that triggers, I never reallytold people, I just went through
it, and it was exhaustingbecause I'm I'm always I have
(23:27):
always worried about otherpeople's triggers and their
insecurities or um anxieties,and I never worry about mine's
and it was frustrating becausepeople forget like me.
I'm I guess people feel asthough I'm so strong.
I don't think I'm that strong.
I really don't.
But for some people, peoplebelieve that I'm strong and that
(23:50):
uh these are you're so strong,and they need me to do
everything for them, but youknow, what about me, right?
A doctor needs a doctor too,right?
And but I never went to thedoctors for myself.
I never really, you know, reallytook care of myself.
(24:10):
And that's one thing I learnedis that Alisa, I don't know, at
least you don't know how to betaken care of.
You don't know what it feelslike.
And for those that when they tryto take care of you, and you be
like, okay, take care of me, andthen you never allow them to do
so because you don't even knowwhat that looks like.
You're always taking care ofeverybody else, and um that you
(24:33):
never learn how to really takecare of yourself.
I don't know what that I didn'tknow what that means, and so
even God Himself, when He'strying to do what He does Him
and be and take care of me, I'mnot even allowing Him to do that
because I don't know what thatlooks like.
So all these things is not justaffecting me in the natural, but
it's really affecting me in thespiritual because God can't be
(24:54):
God in my life because all thesethings is in the way, okay, all
these thoughts, patterns is inthe way, and I remember even
standing there just um goingthrough it in church, and he was
like, At least uh because I wasjust crying.
He said, You know, you just wantto be chosen, but you
understand, I chose you, and heI need you to understand and
(25:16):
know that I chose you, and I wasjust crying because I hear him,
but it I couldn't it's just allthese things that you know
didn't allow me to really likelet that register and let me
walk in that, and so um I waslike, if we did something after
(25:38):
give, like we got I gotta getbetter, I can't do this anymore.
So um I began to really releaseto my family first, and you
know, like listen, at least itgot all these issues that y'all
have never really paid attentionto, you know.
Um, but I have triggers too, Ihave anxieties too.
(25:58):
Um, and and really speaking thetruth.
I ain't secure because youinsecure, right?
Talking to my parents, right?
And I was taught not to besecure.
I was taught these things todevelop these things, and it's
not even necessarily like I'mtelling them like, oh, you're a
bad parent and things like that,because you did what the best
you can, and I understand that,but it has an effect, right?
(26:19):
Because like my and I I even hadbefore I even went to my parents
and stuff, I had a conversationwith my children.
Listen, you guys, I am so sorry,right?
Um, because because I'm notsecure, my children wasn't
secure.
How are they gonna be secure ifI'm raising them and not in a
secure home, right?
Because I'm not secure.
(26:40):
And so I told them, I explainedto them, and listen, and I just
came to the realization, and uh,we're working because I'm trying
to be secure by tomorrow.
That's why I kept saying,alright, I need to be secure by
tomorrow because I can't stayhere.
I was just so excited that Ifinally was able to identify
exactly what was going on sothat I could know how to
approach God on it.
Okay, God, now let's figure thisout because I can't stay here.
(27:04):
And so that was 37 going into38, and God was doing it, you
know.
He really was, I was letting alot of things go.
I said, I refuse to startchapter 38 with all these things
that I have been going, that Ihave been bringing into year
after year, right?
Um, that's why I haven't reallyalways been feeling new, like a
new person, even though I'm anew age, because I've been
(27:26):
bringing the same stuff fromevery age into the new age.
And I said, I'm not doing thatanymore.
So that was going to 38.
And 38 was great.
Um 38 was great because um 37going into 38, um, that lasts
whatever half, I guess you wantto say, of 37 is with me
(27:48):
approaching to 38.
Like you can't walk in this,right?
And you're never gonna see Ikept saying I'm never gonna see
37 again because I don't neverwant to see all these things
again as well.
And so I begin to drop things, Icut people off, like even family
itself, like I'm cutting peopleoff because I need to heal.
And um, healing is not somethingI learned from my family.
(28:08):
Um, learned from people inchildhood, like it's like I
don't know, the adults in mylife they learn how to heal as
well, which didn't make anysense to me because uh God is
all about healing, right?
And I'm not talking about forthose who are not in God, I'm
not talking to you, but I'mtalking about for those who are
in God because um Jehovah Jab,we say he I provided, right?
But he is Jehovah, he is ourhealer.
(28:29):
So, like, why do and and hedon't play no games when it
comes to that?
So he knows that we can't bewhat we need to be or do what we
need to do in him without beinghealed, right?
Like, come on, right?
He walked the reach and be like,I know him to be a healer, but
do we right?
Do we really know him to reallybe a healer if we not allow him
(28:51):
to heal us?
I mean, really heal us, and Iunderstood that I know that I
wasn't totally healed, but Iwasn't walking around telling
people I'm healed because I knewthat there was a lot of things
that he wanted to like reallyheal me, and I wasn't allowing
to him, like I really wassaying, God, uh, just give me a
quick fix healing.
Ooh, just give me a shot, right?
(29:14):
Like a shot of cortisone orsomething.
I think that's the shot, right?
Just enough to get by now, andwhatever now is, whether that
noun was today, whether that nowwas uh a whole week or so, that
(29:36):
you know, just enough to getthrough, but not a complete
healing, and as Jehovah Rafa, heyou know that's not what he
wanted for me, but and I didn'tallow him to heal me, not that I
(29:57):
didn't want a full healing, Idid because.
I did not like the I didn'treally it I really didn't like
the way that the the person Ihave become or the who I am and
that the person you know this Iguess the sick person that I was
(30:20):
mentally and not being able tolike I said before you know uh
this things were hindering ourrelationship and who I was in
him and who he is in me who hecan be in me um it hindered for
me to be able to really pressinto him and be in his presence
(30:46):
you know the holies of holieswhich I love so much and so all
this was in the way and it itwas it's been it's been
detrimental to me because I lovehis presence and I love being
with him and I can't no fleshcan glory in his presence and I
(31:06):
can't be in his presence withall the with all this and so in
order for me and he desired forme to be in his presence to be
that intimate with him but knowthat I can't with all this that
I was carrying that I was Ican't bring that um and I wasn't
even bringing it and leaving itthere it was just bringing it
(31:30):
and keeping it with me and ithurt him and I know it did
because it was destroying me itwas destroying me every day and
I think what destroyed me eventhe more so was all these people
around me that didn't see it anddidn't see that enough not
(31:55):
everybody there was noteverybody obviously there was a
few who was like at least let'scome on but there were so many
people who just oh I see youmight be hurting well I see
something's wrong but I stillneed you do for me so do for me
you know and so with all thatbeing said uh I it was time for
(32:15):
me to say you know what it'sabout me getting right because
at the end of the day I need toget right for my children
because if I don't want thiscycle to continue and I was
seeing the residue and theaftermath in my children and
(32:43):
didn't know how to fix it so butdon't uh without getting right
and so 37 going to 38 I began tookay like I said cut people off
and I gotta get this right Godyou need to show me what to do
how to do he began to really godeep into to the root of things
of how I developed to where Iwas so 38 was really going to
(33:08):
the root really getting to theroot of things and it was hard
it was good but it was hardbecause I didn't understand I
just I didn't understand howmuch you know I I really did not
understand how much I did notunderstand when you get to the
(33:31):
root of things baby oh my god umbut yeah it was a lot but it was
needed okay it was needed andI'm gonna go through all of that
um I really am because I reallyas I have been talking to people
and as people have been seeingmy journey throughout this year
(33:54):
of chapter 38 it uh it you knowit resonated with a lot of
people um even the healing thattook place and this time also I
wasn't rushing my healing that'sanother thing that I was that I
used to do like I said I didn'tstay on the table long enough to
get the surgery that I need andthen stay in recovery for the
(34:18):
time frame that I need to be inrecovery I used to re-rush my
recovery you know and theproblem with rushing your
recovery wounds open up againand become affected and so this
time I wasn't doing that thistime I was really just God do
what you need to do and I'm notrushing it I'm giving myself the
(34:40):
time that I needed I'm givingmyself the grace that I needed
even to mess up I'm givingmyself the grace I needed that I
need to learn to really learnand dig deep so at one point and
what like and the crazy thing iswhen I came at 37 started saying
some things in 37 as I was goingthrough 38 uh chapter 38 got
(35:04):
really begin to dig deep andthings really became open
there's a lot of things thathave happened in this chapter
that really opened my eyes tosome underlying things like it
was layers that were beingpulled back that I didn't
(35:24):
realize that this was underthere I didn't realize this was
here like one of it and I'mreally going to talk about this
um is me not feeling worthy Ididn't realize how much that
meant you know or how much Ididn't realize that I mean I
know there were some things themindset of there's because of
(35:46):
some of the behaviors or somethings I do but I didn't realize
it really was underlying of menot feeling worthy enough and
that has really been detrimentalor uh no it really was
detrimental even to myrelationship with God himself
because although technicallywe're not worthy of his grace
(36:10):
and his mercy of his love butyet he gives to us anyway and
I'm appreciative but I couldn'tbe as appreciative because I
still feel unworthy regardlessand I couldn't receive it the
way I need to receive it so thatI can be able to bestow and to
be able to walk in it and giveGod the return of his
(36:33):
investment.
So now we here and he's beenmoving and he's been working and
he's been cleaning and he's beencutting away and I have been
healing and I have he has beenrestoring even storing years
it's just like I've beencatapulted as now that we're in
(36:53):
39 I have basically you knowwent for just basically been
restoring the years and Ibasically catapulted and I'm
just so excited for chapter 39even the way that it has started
I've been in this for you knowsome weeks now and it's it's
(37:14):
been fun uh the it's been funeven the first day of my
birthday I have been tested andit was awesome because it really
showed me how much I have healedand something that it's
something that happened um whensomeone came to me and usually
if this was the if this was evenlast this time last year when I
(37:36):
turned 38 it would havetriggered me but it did not
trigger me and I was like yayyes I am free of people's
opinions like that's so awesomethat is so awesome because I was
not free of people's opinionsyou did not understand I was not
free I man please people uh andwhat they thought about me are
(37:59):
this things that used to triggerso much so but it's awesome it's
awesome but um I'm back you guysI am I'm back um thank you for
thank you thank you thank you somuch for not leaving and for
(38:20):
being here for lasting this longeven though I put nothing out so
with all that also being saidI'm going to have to upload all
the old uh episodes or re-uploadall the old episodes so that you
can listen to it on everythingon Shopify I mean Shopify on
(38:45):
Spotify and Apple and all thosethings as of right now the only
way you can listen to the oldones are on YouTube I will um I
think if you don't have the linkanymore I'll put the link up but
right now it's only on YouTubeso I have to re-upload
(39:05):
everything so it's going to bebasically the same thing but the
title is gonna be different it'sgonna say rewind or something
like that.
So and then that so with allthat being said I will catch you
guys in the next episode okayand remember that you are loved
you are loved not just a littlebut greatly not just by one but
(39:29):
by the one who loves youeverlasting and forevermore so
till next time bye
Hello, everybody.
SPEAKER_00 (00:51):
Hi, hi.
Welcome.
Ola, right?
Uh, it's been a long time.
It's been a while, but I'm here.
Uh, welcome back.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to the B ClayPodcast.
It's been forever, I understand.
Uh, I'm so sorry.
I miss you guys.
Um, and uh, I will say, do you Iwill ask, did you miss me?
(01:14):
But I know because you've beentelling me that you missed me.
You've been asking me, hey,Elisa, like what's going on?
Like, did you just stop it?
Was that it?
Like, uh, you know, send thesmoke screen signals and just
say, um, are you like when's thenext one coming out?
Like, what happened?
I'm sorry.
I'm so so so sorry.
I'm here though.
(01:34):
I'm back.
I'm back.
I'm back.
So I'm back.
And I will definitely tell youthough, I definitely can tell
you that I am not the sameperson that left.
Um, we have a lot of things havea lot of things have happened,
and and as you can hear from thebeginning, uh happy birthday to
(02:00):
me.
SPEAKER_01 (02:01):
Happy birthday to me.
SPEAKER_00 (02:05):
Um technically it's not November.
I mean, October no more.
We are in November, but um, Istill just passed the birthday
and um I'm still celebratingbecause like I'm really excited.
Um I'm really excited becausethere's not that many times that
I can say that I feel new.
(02:25):
Like I feel brand new since Ihave a birth, you know, I'm in
I'm 39 now, but I feel likechapter 39 is gonna be great.
Chapter 38 wasn't bad, it wasgreat as well.
I'm not because one thing I do,I like to learn.
And so I learned a lot.
But uh I just I'm telling you,like a switch, I don't know.
(02:46):
I I keep saying the switch wentoff, but it's just I just feel
like I feel like a totally newperson.
Um, I really do.
I feel like a totally newperson.
And so I'm still celebrating I'mcelebrating the newness.
These uh what's today?
So what I've been 39 for whattwo weeks now, but I so in these
(03:09):
first few weeks of my birthday,even on a even on the day of my
birthday, the day of mybirthday, uh, something happened
and but it was amazing.
The funny part is if I reallyexplained it to the person,
like, oh, you don't understandhow much, like, how like I
(03:30):
walked out of here ready.
I I was so happy because youreally just showed me how much I
have healed.
That if this was last year, ifthis was the year before, like
when you know, we're we in 25now, we in 25 now, so 24, 23,
this was 23, and but even lastyear, even this time last year,
(03:54):
because I still was kind of likeit was good, but like I still
was a lot of like that wouldhave been a trigger, but it
wasn't, and I was so excited,like oh my god, like I was so
excited.
What day, what better way tocelebrate the first day of
(04:15):
chapter 39 when you're tested,and uh like and you realize this
didn't even affect me.
I I was so excited, okay?
So I've been excited for likethe last two weeks and even
before then because um yeah.
So, with all that being said,we're about to get into this
(04:36):
episode.
Uh I'm welcome back.
I'm here, and um, this is notgonna be the last time you
talked.
I'm really gonna do better asfar as getting these things out
weekly and not like every otherother other week and things like
that.
We're gonna do better.
We get we have a schedule andwe're gonna follow it.
Uh, since the last time we havespoken, I have gone back to
(05:00):
school.
Yes, I did.
Uh your girl went back toschool.
Um, we're still working on it.
Um, because you know, I did getdiscouraged and I quit like five
times.
So uh when I started school, I'mlike I had a plan, like, yeah,
I'ma do this, I'm gonna do that,because I go to WGU, which is a
(05:21):
self-paced school.
I love it though.
It's just that I need to get ittogether.
I do uh my plan was to buy now,actually, because I started it
uh last December and we were inNovember.
So I'm supposed to be done bynow.
And because it's self-paced.
(05:42):
Like it's self-paced.
Like really, like I could bedone with my class in a week, if
that, a couple days, if I reallyfigure if I really do it, but it
didn't happen that way.
So, but we're working on it.
We're getting it, we're gettingit together, and we're gonna
finish fast because we ain't gottime.
(06:02):
Um, we don't got time.
Um, so no, I haven't, I'm stillwriting my books.
I haven't finished anything yet.
We're still working on that.
Um, but you know, I'm trying tothink that that is that
everything.
If it's not, I'll bring it upbecause I don't can't remember
that.
But that's definitely one of thethat's some updates on me and in
(06:23):
my life.
Um, so the last time we talked,I was 37 and we'll be turning
38.
And now I'm 39.
That's crazy.
It's been over a year.
Um, I should have had celebratedlike a whole like one year
something in June for thispodcast, and I wasn't even here
to celebrate.
So, but we're here now.
All that's in the past.
(06:43):
So I don't where do we begin,you guys?
Where do we begin?
So, because I just celebrated abirthday, and I just said that
I'm excited because these firstcouple of weeks of chapter 39
has been great, even before, letme see.
So I went to I went to Virginiathe weekend right before my
(07:07):
birthday.
Hi so you knew who I'm talkingto.
I went to visit my cousin, mysister cousin, and it was the
best, it was what I needed, andit it's just it was everything.
Uh all I did was eat for themost part, but it was great.
You know, who doesn't like toeat?
Okay, it was it was awesome.
(07:30):
It's uh my god, it was so goodfor me.
It was, it was so good.
And before I actually leftVirginia, I just like I f I
don't know, I I just changedlike in the midst of that
weekend.
I don't it wasn't even like aweek or so, but it really was a
weekend.
(07:50):
And by the time I came back,like on the like before I even
got on the train to get back toPhiladelphia, I just knew I was
like, I just knew this is this Iwas new.
Like I felt it.
Something happened.
I can't even tell you when ithappened, but it just like a
whole like a switch went off.
Like I just like boom, you'renew.
(08:11):
And um, I just knew things weregoing to be different.
And baby, like I'm loving, I'mloving this Alisa.
I'm I'm loving her.
I love her.
It's so great, it's so awesome.
I'm loving who I am and him.
(08:34):
I'm loving I'm I love theprocess it took for her to get
here.
So, so let's let's so with itbeing I took this first episode
back and I one thing that I havebeen saying even the more so
(09:01):
more than than I have been doingfor a very long time is been
talking about relationships andto really dig deep and talk
about relationships because whenI ended last year, my last
(09:24):
episode, I believe I think Istarted off talking about
relationships because I wastalking about well really what
what um like my relationshipwith God, right?
I think I began to reallyexplain because a lot of times
because people be asking me, youknow, or you know, they ask me
(09:50):
in a way, you know, especiallysince when I came back to God, I
told you guys, I told you, Icame back to God at 15 years
old, okay?
And we had a relationship when Iwas younger in my first few
years of my life, and then likeI kind of basically was like,
alright, God, like I want to bewith you, I really do, but um
(10:11):
being with you means that uh I'mgonna be by myself, and being
with you means that people aregonna beat me up, and I'm tired
of getting beat up, so maybe Ishould walk away.
But I still want to be with you,right?
Because I because you'reeverything, and um, I love you,
but so I was on the side, right?
And I'm up here and I'm doingwhatever I'm doing and trying to
(10:31):
do without him, but I I itreally wasn't working, right?
To be honest, I don't remember II was out there, I was doing
whatever, but in the back of mymind, I missed him, you know.
Um, and but I was like, dad, butif I go back to you all the way,
then like you know, I'm gonna bemyself and these people gonna
(10:55):
come at me.
And I because I went through alot, you know.
Um, who he created me to bewasn't something that a lot of
people wanted around, to behonest, because you know, and
and I said before, at first Ihad my grandmother with me, so
it didn't matter, but when shedied, I was just like, I'm by
(11:16):
myself.
Like, what is this?
I can't, you know, it's justgonna be me against everybody
else.
And I I don't know, I justdidn't I don't know.
But he still was there, he stillwas throughout the years before
I came to him totally.
He's still, you know, every nowand then like at least calling
me, and I'd be like, you know.
(11:40):
Um, but I always call to himwhen I need him, right?
When I'm in trouble, and I ohGod, please, like I'm telling
you, like, all right, all right,all right, like, you know, if
you get me out of this, I thankyou, guys.
Like, yo, like, this is crazybecause like I every time I
think about it, it's like, youknow how many times I have said
(12:02):
if you get me out of this, nowhe, out of all people, know that
I false promises.
Come on, right?
Like, I'm not really gonna dowhat I say I'm gonna do.
But he's in some cases he stillgot me out of a lot of things.
And he is so gracious, guys.
You don't understand, like, youdon't understand.
(12:23):
That's why I'm talking about,like, hey, come on.
So that's that's that's what I'mtalking about.
Relationship, okay?
That's what I'm talking aboutrelationship.
So I've been really talkingabout, I've been really, really,
really getting intorelationships because so last
(12:46):
year, as I was uh approaching my38th birthday, there were a lot
of things that I that um therewere some things that should I
say came to my attention when Irealized of why I should say
(13:14):
like the be the mentality that Ihad, the behaviors that I was
having, to is some things cameto my realization and explained
a lot.
Um see I think maybe around likeMarch or April or something like
that of last year, I have beenintroduced to the attachment
theories and understanding, andI think I might be bringing this
(13:35):
up um in my, you know, in myepisodes or something like that,
but I understood that, you know,the attachment theories and that
I'm up there for avoiding, likethe loud one, and it's uh or aka
disorganized.
I like that extra better, butum, I realized that I was
disorganized.
Attachment theory where you justcrazy all the time.
(13:57):
I'm just gonna say thateverything uh is a trigger to
you.
You read it to fight or you'reready to flight, right?
You rather to leave or you, youknow, or you're ready to fight.
Like it's just all the time.
And and and has been for awhile, but for a long time, it's
just that I kind of kept it tomyself.
I kinda kind of I did.
(14:18):
I kept it to myself.
I never talked to nobody aboutit.
I never, you know, I just but inthis mind of mine, it was always
it has been chaotic, okay?
You um everything was a trigger.
If someone gets too close, it'sa trigger.
If someone's trying to pullaway, it's a trigger.
(14:39):
Everything was a trigger.
And um, once I realized this andcame to realization, I was like,
God, I need to be secure.
Like I can't even be in you likethis, this is I can't I can't be
(15:02):
in you and with these anxietiesbecause it doesn't equate,
right?
And so, and we to a degree, umhe has God has like everything
that once I began to learn, Idid some lot of research and
(15:23):
watching all these YouTubevideos and reading some you know
different things, you know, Ibegan to, you know, some of the
things as I was reading, I said,oh God, that's why you were
telling me to do this, andthat's why you were telling me
to do that.
I didn't understand it.
But now that I have now that Iso I began to since April, once
(15:47):
I learned, once I learned thisand began to do more research of
why I was doing certain things,it is not just because of what I
was doing, certain things, butmy relationship with people
itself, like my parents orfriends or church members or
whatever case may be, wereco-workers or whatever.
It was also how my relationshipwith it affected my relationship
with God.
(16:07):
Do you understand?
Because I was treating God thesame way that I was treating
people, so I'm always ready.
So what God would say, Lisa, Igot you.
I'm like, no, I mean, not reallybecause like I gotta do this by
myself because I couldn't nevertrust people.
I always had to do things on myown, and so it really it really
(16:28):
affected, and I hated, I hatedit.
I did, I hated uh what myrelationship with him because I
want to be.
I there was a time where I wasso free in God, just so free in
him, and that was when I cameback to God when I was 15.
When I came back to God when Iwas 15, man, you I didn't you
(16:52):
couldn't tell me nothing, okay?
Because I was just so excitedthat God still wanted me because
he shouldn't still want me.
I have done so much to him,there's no way you still want
me.
I didn't care about nobody, Idon't care what people said to
me about me, whatever.
It didn't matter.
Like a lot of times people feltlike, you know, oh, you know,
like I didn't need to heldnobody accountable for anything
(17:14):
because God can do that on hisown.
But like I didn't care.
All I cared about was the factthat he still wants me.
Are you crazy?
What please?
I didn't even still want me.
I told y'all that, like, Ididn't even love myself, and for
you to still love me regardless,like really?
Okay, so when I came back tohim, it was just me and him, and
(17:40):
I loved it.
I I loved it.
Uh, I was like oil, like it wasbeautiful, right?
And then, you know, some thingshappened, and you know, did I
talk about it?
I don't know if I taught thelast part, but things happened.
Um with, you know, once I gotpregnant with my son, and
(18:05):
because of the way that he gothe was conceived, and it just
took me all the way back.
Like it's things, I mean, Idon't know.
I picked up a whole bunch ofstuff that things that it's just
it was bad, and I've beenfighting since my son is 20 now.
Oh my god, my son is 20 yearsold, guys.
(18:28):
But yeah, so my son is 20, andit's took and it took and I
can't even talk, but for 20years I've been trying to get
back to that person, back towhen I've just just me and God
are just so free, and 20 that'sa long time, you guys.
Uh so 20 years I've beenfighting, and I can say now that
(18:49):
I'm here, that's why I'm soexcited because I've been
fighting to get there and I'mhere.
So now let's go a bit.
Last year, so last year, uhapproaching 38, as I I knew that
I wasn't where I want to be inmy relationship with God because
everything that I have, everytime God said, like, you know,
(19:13):
hey, Elisa, you know, I got you,I'm like, okay, but I didn't
really, you know, I trust you,but I really didn't trust him,
right?
Every time, you know, he he justwe just been fighting, he'd been
trying, and I and I I couldn'tbecause I'm always thinking,
like, you know, I gotta I gottafight for myself, I gotta do
(19:36):
this myself, I gotta do this, Igotta do that, and you know, or
if you get too close, likeeventually you're gonna hate me
and you'll wanna walk away, so Igotta do all this extra stuff,
and then I'm not doing which I'msupposed to because I know I'm
supposed to be in you, but I'mnot there, and you know, and he
didn't like it.
He didn't like it at all.
He didn't like it because Ididn't it was just too much, and
(19:58):
he's been trying to tell methese things, and I just wasn't
it wasn't I won't say it wasn'tlistening, it's just it was a
lie, and the because I wasn'tlike I love to be in God's
presence.
Um it's the almost awesomething.
I don't know if that's a word,but it is what it is, but it's
also one thing everybody knowsabout me is I love his presence.
(20:20):
I am a worshiper, and I am onethat he allows to be able to
become and touch him, like inthe holies of holies.
You know, everyone can getthere, and I love being there.
I used to live there, you know,like I used to wake up, go
there, come go to sleep there.
It's amazing, and no flesh canglory in his presence, and
that's why.
So I am the way I am because Idon't got time to play, like you
(20:42):
no one is no one is um worth melosing being able to get into
God's presence because everybodycan be in the outer courts.
Do you understand that?
Anybody can be in the outercourts, but ain't no fun in no
outer courts.
I don't I can't I can't functionin outer courts, but them in the
corners beyond the veil, oh God,it's amazing.
(21:06):
So with all that, um, I couldn'tget there.
And um, and I know he wanted meto be there.
He yearned, I yearned, but Icouldn't get there in a state
that I was in.
And for a long time, for a longtime, I just been up and down,
(21:28):
up and down, up and down, up anddown.
And those that know me, know me,can you know attest that they
understand what it was.
They thought it was one, I mean,don't get me wrong, the one
there was one thing that helpedit, but it was a lot of things.
So we really began to likereally deep dive into the root
of why these things werehappening, because I couldn't
(21:51):
understand it.
And so I learned aboutdetachment.
And so within that, I learnedabout how and why I do the
things I do and the behaviorsand why I feel, um, the way the
thoughts that would come into myin my mind, like where I feel
like I'm either I like it'sridiculous, okay.
Thank God.
You understand?
(22:12):
Like, it was it was hard.
It's hard, like it's it's bad.
It was bad.
Like, I couldn't my mind insidemy mind.
I'm always ready to to to uhJesus God, it was so bad, it was
exhausting, it was exhausting,you guys.
(22:33):
It was exhausting.
So my I was I was determined,oh, we gotta be secure.
Okay, so in that I began to dealwith why how I got here, like
what what series of events thathappened in my life in my
childhood that caused me todevelop this that caused me to
(23:04):
develop this, and so we've beenable to do it.
So um, but now not only are wedoing it, but I'm telling
people, right?
Like, hey, listen, because I allthese anxieties and everything
that triggers, I never reallytold people, I just went through
it, and it was exhaustingbecause I'm I'm always I have
(23:27):
always worried about otherpeople's triggers and their
insecurities or um anxieties,and I never worry about mine's
and it was frustrating becausepeople forget like me.
I'm I guess people feel asthough I'm so strong.
I don't think I'm that strong.
I really don't.
But for some people, peoplebelieve that I'm strong and that
(23:50):
uh these are you're so strong,and they need me to do
everything for them, but youknow, what about me, right?
A doctor needs a doctor too,right?
And but I never went to thedoctors for myself.
I never really, you know, reallytook care of myself.
(24:10):
And that's one thing I learnedis that Alisa, I don't know, at
least you don't know how to betaken care of.
You don't know what it feelslike.
And for those that when they tryto take care of you, and you be
like, okay, take care of me, andthen you never allow them to do
so because you don't even knowwhat that looks like.
You're always taking care ofeverybody else, and um that you
(24:33):
never learn how to really takecare of yourself.
I don't know what that I didn'tknow what that means, and so
even God Himself, when He'strying to do what He does Him
and be and take care of me, I'mnot even allowing Him to do that
because I don't know what thatlooks like.
So all these things is not justaffecting me in the natural, but
it's really affecting me in thespiritual because God can't be
(24:54):
God in my life because all thesethings is in the way, okay, all
these thoughts, patterns is inthe way, and I remember even
standing there just um goingthrough it in church, and he was
like, At least uh because I wasjust crying.
He said, You know, you just wantto be chosen, but you
understand, I chose you, and heI need you to understand and
(25:16):
know that I chose you, and I wasjust crying because I hear him,
but it I couldn't it's just allthese things that you know
didn't allow me to really likelet that register and let me
walk in that, and so um I waslike, if we did something after
(25:38):
give, like we got I gotta getbetter, I can't do this anymore.
So um I began to really releaseto my family first, and you
know, like listen, at least itgot all these issues that y'all
have never really paid attentionto, you know.
Um, but I have triggers too, Ihave anxieties too.
(25:58):
Um, and and really speaking thetruth.
I ain't secure because youinsecure, right?
Talking to my parents, right?
And I was taught not to besecure.
I was taught these things todevelop these things, and it's
not even necessarily like I'mtelling them like, oh, you're a
bad parent and things like that,because you did what the best
you can, and I understand that,but it has an effect, right?
(26:19):
Because like my and I I even hadbefore I even went to my parents
and stuff, I had a conversationwith my children.
Listen, you guys, I am so sorry,right?
Um, because because I'm notsecure, my children wasn't
secure.
How are they gonna be secure ifI'm raising them and not in a
secure home, right?
Because I'm not secure.
(26:40):
And so I told them, I explainedto them, and listen, and I just
came to the realization, and uh,we're working because I'm trying
to be secure by tomorrow.
That's why I kept saying,alright, I need to be secure by
tomorrow because I can't stayhere.
I was just so excited that Ifinally was able to identify
exactly what was going on sothat I could know how to
approach God on it.
Okay, God, now let's figure thisout because I can't stay here.
(27:04):
And so that was 37 going into38, and God was doing it, you
know.
He really was, I was letting alot of things go.
I said, I refuse to startchapter 38 with all these things
that I have been going, that Ihave been bringing into year
after year, right?
Um, that's why I haven't reallyalways been feeling new, like a
new person, even though I'm anew age, because I've been
(27:26):
bringing the same stuff fromevery age into the new age.
And I said, I'm not doing thatanymore.
So that was going to 38.
And 38 was great.
Um 38 was great because um 37going into 38, um, that lasts
whatever half, I guess you wantto say, of 37 is with me
(27:48):
approaching to 38.
Like you can't walk in this,right?
And you're never gonna see Ikept saying I'm never gonna see
37 again because I don't neverwant to see all these things
again as well.
And so I begin to drop things, Icut people off, like even family
itself, like I'm cutting peopleoff because I need to heal.
And um, healing is not somethingI learned from my family.
(28:08):
Um, learned from people inchildhood, like it's like I
don't know, the adults in mylife they learn how to heal as
well, which didn't make anysense to me because uh God is
all about healing, right?
And I'm not talking about forthose who are not in God, I'm
not talking to you, but I'mtalking about for those who are
in God because um Jehovah Jab,we say he I provided, right?
But he is Jehovah, he is ourhealer.
(28:29):
So, like, why do and and hedon't play no games when it
comes to that?
So he knows that we can't bewhat we need to be or do what we
need to do in him without beinghealed, right?
Like, come on, right?
He walked the reach and be like,I know him to be a healer, but
do we right?
Do we really know him to reallybe a healer if we not allow him
(28:51):
to heal us?
I mean, really heal us, and Iunderstood that I know that I
wasn't totally healed, but Iwasn't walking around telling
people I'm healed because I knewthat there was a lot of things
that he wanted to like reallyheal me, and I wasn't allowing
to him, like I really wassaying, God, uh, just give me a
quick fix healing.
Ooh, just give me a shot, right?
(29:14):
Like a shot of cortisone orsomething.
I think that's the shot, right?
Just enough to get by now, andwhatever now is, whether that
noun was today, whether that nowwas uh a whole week or so, that
(29:36):
you know, just enough to getthrough, but not a complete
healing, and as Jehovah Rafa, heyou know that's not what he
wanted for me, but and I didn'tallow him to heal me, not that I
(29:57):
didn't want a full healing, Idid because.
I did not like the I didn'treally it I really didn't like
the way that the the person Ihave become or the who I am and
that the person you know this Iguess the sick person that I was
(30:20):
mentally and not being able tolike I said before you know uh
this things were hindering ourrelationship and who I was in
him and who he is in me who hecan be in me um it hindered for
me to be able to really pressinto him and be in his presence
(30:46):
you know the holies of holieswhich I love so much and so all
this was in the way and it itwas it's been it's been
detrimental to me because I lovehis presence and I love being
with him and I can't no fleshcan glory in his presence and I
(31:06):
can't be in his presence withall the with all this and so in
order for me and he desired forme to be in his presence to be
that intimate with him but knowthat I can't with all this that
I was carrying that I was Ican't bring that um and I wasn't
even bringing it and leaving itthere it was just bringing it
(31:30):
and keeping it with me and ithurt him and I know it did
because it was destroying me itwas destroying me every day and
I think what destroyed me eventhe more so was all these people
around me that didn't see it anddidn't see that enough not
(31:55):
everybody there was noteverybody obviously there was a
few who was like at least let'scome on but there were so many
people who just oh I see youmight be hurting well I see
something's wrong but I stillneed you do for me so do for me
you know and so with all thatbeing said uh I it was time for
(32:15):
me to say you know what it'sabout me getting right because
at the end of the day I need toget right for my children
because if I don't want thiscycle to continue and I was
seeing the residue and theaftermath in my children and
(32:43):
didn't know how to fix it so butdon't uh without getting right
and so 37 going to 38 I began tookay like I said cut people off
and I gotta get this right Godyou need to show me what to do
how to do he began to really godeep into to the root of things
of how I developed to where Iwas so 38 was really going to
(33:08):
the root really getting to theroot of things and it was hard
it was good but it was hardbecause I didn't understand I
just I didn't understand howmuch you know I I really did not
understand how much I did notunderstand when you get to the
(33:31):
root of things baby oh my god umbut yeah it was a lot but it was
needed okay it was needed andI'm gonna go through all of that
um I really am because I reallyas I have been talking to people
and as people have been seeingmy journey throughout this year
(33:54):
of chapter 38 it uh it you knowit resonated with a lot of
people um even the healing thattook place and this time also I
wasn't rushing my healing that'sanother thing that I was that I
used to do like I said I didn'tstay on the table long enough to
get the surgery that I need andthen stay in recovery for the
(34:18):
time frame that I need to be inrecovery I used to re-rush my
recovery you know and theproblem with rushing your
recovery wounds open up againand become affected and so this
time I wasn't doing that thistime I was really just God do
what you need to do and I'm notrushing it I'm giving myself the
(34:40):
time that I needed I'm givingmyself the grace that I needed
even to mess up I'm givingmyself the grace I needed that I
need to learn to really learnand dig deep so at one point and
what like and the crazy thing iswhen I came at 37 started saying
some things in 37 as I was goingthrough 38 uh chapter 38 got
(35:04):
really begin to dig deep andthings really became open
there's a lot of things thathave happened in this chapter
that really opened my eyes tosome underlying things like it
was layers that were beingpulled back that I didn't
(35:24):
realize that this was underthere I didn't realize this was
here like one of it and I'mreally going to talk about this
um is me not feeling worthy Ididn't realize how much that
meant you know or how much Ididn't realize that I mean I
know there were some things themindset of there's because of
(35:46):
some of the behaviors or somethings I do but I didn't realize
it really was underlying of menot feeling worthy enough and
that has really been detrimentalor uh no it really was
detrimental even to myrelationship with God himself
because although technicallywe're not worthy of his grace
(36:10):
and his mercy of his love butyet he gives to us anyway and
I'm appreciative but I couldn'tbe as appreciative because I
still feel unworthy regardlessand I couldn't receive it the
way I need to receive it so thatI can be able to bestow and to
be able to walk in it and giveGod the return of his
(36:33):
investment.
So now we here and he's beenmoving and he's been working and
he's been cleaning and he's beencutting away and I have been
healing and I have he has beenrestoring even storing years
it's just like I've beencatapulted as now that we're in
(36:53):
39 I have basically you knowwent for just basically been
restoring the years and Ibasically catapulted and I'm
just so excited for chapter 39even the way that it has started
I've been in this for you knowsome weeks now and it's it's
(37:14):
been fun uh the it's been funeven the first day of my
birthday I have been tested andit was awesome because it really
showed me how much I have healedand something that it's
something that happened um whensomeone came to me and usually
if this was the if this was evenlast this time last year when I
(37:36):
turned 38 it would havetriggered me but it did not
trigger me and I was like yayyes I am free of people's
opinions like that's so awesomethat is so awesome because I was
not free of people's opinionsyou did not understand I was not
free I man please people uh andwhat they thought about me are
(37:59):
this things that used to triggerso much so but it's awesome it's
awesome but um I'm back you guysI am I'm back um thank you for
thank you thank you thank you somuch for not leaving and for
(38:20):
being here for lasting this longeven though I put nothing out so
with all that also being saidI'm going to have to upload all
the old uh episodes or re-uploadall the old episodes so that you
can listen to it on everythingon Shopify I mean Shopify on
(38:45):
Spotify and Apple and all thosethings as of right now the only
way you can listen to the oldones are on YouTube I will um I
think if you don't have the linkanymore I'll put the link up but
right now it's only on YouTubeso I have to re-upload
(39:05):
everything so it's going to bebasically the same thing but the
title is gonna be different it'sgonna say rewind or something
like that.
So and then that so with allthat being said I will catch you
guys in the next episode okayand remember that you are loved
you are loved not just a littlebut greatly not just by one but
(39:29):
by the one who loves youeverlasting and forevermore so
till next time bye
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.