September 7, 2023 • 17 mins
Loneliness is not being seen as we are.
Not being accepted for who we are.
Loneliness also gets created when we feel forced to hide who we are.
Art is about learning to express the full range of who we are.
And - learning to withstand that not everyone will understand or approve.
In that way, Art is about learning to know ourselves.
To approve of ourselves.
To come home to ourselves.
Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!
#CreatingIsHealing🦋
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everyone. Uh , welcome back. Uh,. If
you're watching, you know whyI'm laughing because this feels
like an incredibly ill advisedway to set up a podcast. Um,
there's a heat wave in upstateNew York and actually probably
a lot of the country right nowin early September. And I am in
a place with no airconditioning and it is so
(00:20):
bloody hot that I cannot, Ithink I would melt if I more
than melt. I would probablypass out if I turned on a light
kit and lock myself indoors. SoI'm outdoors , um, where it's
stunningly beautiful. And alsoI am very afraid of how loud
these crickets are, or cicadas.
Um, the birds troll every oncein a while and it's super
(00:41):
peaceful, but , um, I'm alittle worried The mic is
picking all of it up. And I'malso a little bit close to a
road that's a bit Maine. So ,um, you'll hear trucks and
hopefully I'll be louder thanall of that , um, because I'm
having a week and I'm justgoing for it. So here I am
going for it outdoors. Um, whew. I'm always like, how do I
(01:07):
talk about stuff without goinginto medical , uh, life that
has been happening. I was heretwo weeks ago with a sling on,
the sling is off, which isexciting. Uh, the pain remains
a mystery and , uh, we don'tknow what's going on, which is
par for the course. I feel likeI'm just starting to say it's
very on brand for me to havemystery ailments that hurt a
(01:28):
lot and nobody can diagnose.
Um, and I was thinking aboutyou guys because I had a
follow-up , uh, appointmentwith my doctor who has , um,
scheduled me for an m r I , sowe'll have more answers
hopefully at some point in mylife. And I was really dreading
it because in my long, longjourney of going to doctors ,
uh, with ailments that they donot understand and cannot
(01:50):
diagnose , um, I, it's verydifferent now. I have to say
the caveat is very differentnow than it was 20 years ago
when this started, where Ioften met up with doctors who
said, your blood labs are fine,your test results are fine.
There's nothing wrong. And Iwas left with a lot of pain and
(02:12):
no answers. And I reallyremember getting this implicit
message of we don't know what'swrong. So it's you. Um, and you
know, there's been a lot, a lotof , um, talk, which I'm really
grateful for about medicalgaslighting and it's become
really an acknowledgement that,and I know this is a fine line
(02:34):
for doctors because they aremeant to be authoritative and
maybe that's how they'retrained to be and they are
meant to be reassuring in theirsource of knowledge. But what's
missing is, instead of sayingthe tests that we know how to
run, cannot figure out what iscausing you pain. And so we
need to find somewhere else togo. They kind of just say
nothing is wrong, which is notactually what's happening. And
(02:59):
the amount that we know aboutthe body and how it heals and
how it breaks is infinitesimalcompared to what we don't know.
There's so much about all ofthis that we don't know. And so
, um, if you're someone like mewho has a lot of things that
are weird going wrong, it feelsincredibly lonely to go to
experts who you are hopingprovide the answer to your pain
(03:23):
and also to your sense ofbrokenness and have them sort
of look at you like, well , wedunno what you're talking
about. Willis , um, ninetiesreference for all you old folks
with me. Um, and, and I wasthinking about this idea of
loneliness of I, I literallywas preparing for this
(03:45):
follow-up appointment to makemy case with my doctor, to get
him to authorize an M R I . Andactually now I know that he has
to go and fight with theinsurance company and prove
that I'm worthy of an M R Ibecause I opted outta physical
therapy. 'cause when I went tophysical therapy, everything
was worse. And insurancecompanies want you to do
physical therapy before they doan M R I , which I sort of
(04:06):
understand. Anyway. My doctorwas on my side as my point .
Um, he just wasn't excitedabout the prospect of many,
many phone calls to try to getme the , um, diagnosis or the
data that I need. And, but Iwas preparing for this meeting
because, you know, the firsttime I saw him he did an x-ray
and he was like, great, yourbones are good. You are , um,
(04:28):
there's no dislocation. You'refine. Stop wearing the sling
'cause you'll get frozenshoulder. You really wanna like
start moving your arm so itdoesn't freeze in that way ,
um, of kind of being hung byyour side. And I did. And then
he sent me to physical therapyand I did that. And then
everything got worse than ithad been. And that was really
scary 'cause I went to do the ,I'm such an A plus student. I'm
(04:49):
like, tell me to do a thing. Iwill go do it. I will go do it.
I wanna get the freaking a pluson my test score. And so , um,
I did the thing and the thingbackfired. And so I felt again
like, oh, I don't fit into yoursystem. I don't know how to
like, I don't know what's next.
'cause I think you told me todo a thing and then I failed at
the thing that you told me todo. And I was thinking about
(05:10):
the what loneliness is. Andloneliness to me is really
defined by not being seen bysomebody, by not having them,
the ability to see you and notbeing able to be your true self
around people. And that cancome in a lot of guises. I know
that for a lot of L G B T Qcommunity that can feel like
(05:32):
not being able to talk aboutwho you have a crush on because
they're maybe not the genderthat's approved , um, in the
circle that you come from. Andit can show up as, you know,
being an accountant who lovesto sing and doesn't wanna
anyone to tell, you know, thatlike that doesn't fit into this
idea of who you are as aserious person. And we're all
incredibly multifaceted and weall have lots of weirdness in
(05:55):
us. And the weirdness is thebest. And I think a form of
intimacy is being able to shareyour inner weird with someone
who gets you. And so there'sthis particular loneliness of
going to doctors and explainingthat I'm in pain and having
them look at me and say, thelab results say nothing is
wrong, therefore I don't knowwhat you're talking about. And
(06:22):
so I was preparing how totranslate the week that I'd had
of pain into doctor speak andinsurance speak . And I'm
learning now that one of thoseis I missed work. I couldn't go
to work. I was in so much pain.
And insurance really wants youto be a work person. They don't
care so much if it's like youcan't play tennis. Um, but if
(06:42):
you can't walk to work or youcan't perform your work
functions, they listen a littlebit more because capitalism ,
uh, and I really couldn't workand I was in a lot of pain. And
uh, but, but what I've beenlearning in this journey with
doctors is the ways in which, Imean, if you know me at all, I
have data for everything. Itrack all of my symptoms. I
track what I ate before mystomach hurt. I track what
(07:05):
medicine I tried and how itmade me feel. I'm tracking
everything because there's allthese things that happen that I
can't explain . And so I'malways trying to figure out
what I do know , um, so I canfigure out what I don't know.
And so I always go into adoctor's office and I have all
kinds of data and all kinds ofinformation and yet it doesn't
quite seem to land. And so itfeels like I am speaking
clinging on to them. Um, andmaybe that would be fine if it
(07:29):
was like a cocktail party and Iwas like, cool, cool. You
didn't get my joke. That was,you know, kind of lame, but
okay. But when you're really inpain and needing someone to
understand you so they can helpyou , it, it's so desolate,
it's so devastatingly lonely tobe in an office and try to
communicate what is wrong andbe met with a blank stare. And
(07:50):
this made me think about youguys because always I'm
thinking about you guys and thepurpose of art and this idea
that the purpose of art is tofigure out a language to
express yourself, to be able toshare with the world who you
are, to be brave enough to takeyour weird insides and bring
them outside. And you might notshare your weird insides with
everybody. Um, but I do thinkit's about that. It's about
(08:13):
creating a language that allowsus to explain to the world and
by the world, it could be ourloved ones or it could be a
blockbuster movie , um, but whowe are and to be seen fully as
that person. You know, evenactors are always saying, yes,
you wanna disappear intosomeone, but you're actually,
if you're doing it right,you're bringing out your truest
(08:34):
self and you're overlaying iton a character story. But
that's you. 'cause that's whatpeople respond to is who are
you really? What is yourunfiltered reaction to the
world? What is your unfilteredgut punch to being broken up
with and having your, you know,going through incredible loss
or feeling disappointed or likehow do you process the world
(08:56):
and how do you connect withpeople or push them away? And
that's everybody's journey. Andso I was thinking about how art
is essentially built out ofthis human need to connect and
to bridge the gap of lonelinessby being seen. And so the gift
of someone receiving yournovel, your podcast, your
(09:18):
performance and recognizingthemselves in it means that
they feel seen by your art,which is an incredible gift.
And when they tell you thatthey felt seen, you also feel
seen. So there's thisincredible reciprocity to
putting art in the world andhaving others experience it. I
dunno if you've had that . I'vehad this all the time when I'm
reading something really goodbook and I'm like, wow, they
(09:40):
just nailed something that'sbeen bugging me that I could
feel inside me, but I couldn'tput my finger on. And now like
I, I feel seen, I have languagefor this thing that I've been
feeling and I couldn't, Icouldn't explain. I didn't have
language for, I didn'tunderstand the math of those,
you know, relationships or, orwhatever. And, and that's art
is an act of translation. Artis an act of expression. Art is
(10:02):
an act of creating language.
Um, and so I just wanted toremind us all that that's kind
of the epic thrust of it. And,and that there's this
incredible thing where in thesearch we're trying to express
ourselves to others. I think wemore and more define ourselves
(10:24):
to ourselves. And yes, it'sincredibly important to have
people receive your work, butmostly because when someone
else receives you, it allowsyou to receive yourself more.
And so all these acts ofwriting, of explaining, of
expressing are really ways ofcoming home to yourself. And
what I find is that the morethat you practice putting stuff
(10:46):
in the world, in whatever smallway feels right to you, the
more you're able to attractothers who look at your stuff
and go, oh yeah, I know whatthat is. I know what that feels
like. I'm so glad you said it.
And then your circle grows topeople who look at you and go,
yes, I get you. I see you and Idon't want another version of
you. Go , I want this versionthat shows me all that you are.
(11:07):
And that's an incredible gift.
And it doesn't have to beeveryone in your life. There's
lots of coworkers and familymembers who don't necessarily
need to know all parts of you.
But I think everyone isdesperate for a core of those
people and most especially forthem themselves, to be able to
welcome home who they are. Andin that way it's a lifelong,
it's a lifelong journey, right?
(11:27):
'cause we're always peelingback layers, learning more
about ourselves and alwaysgrappling. I think with the
experience of being human,which constantly changes. We
lose people, we lose parents,we lose, you know , um, we grow
old, we retire. There's certainmilestones that a lot of us
share. Certainly aging, ifyou're lucky enough is one of
(11:48):
them. And then there's so manyways to experience those things
and the losses and the joys ofbeing human that we're always
gonna grapple with what it isto be human. And we're always
gonna grapple with explainingto another person, this is what
my grief feels like. This iswhat my disappointment does to
me. This is what my joy, mylove feels like. And whether
you can paint it or turn aphrase or perform it, it's just
(12:13):
this deep desire to both knowyourself and be seen by others.
So In my ever expanding , um,dedication to turning all of my
medical journey intoreflections on art because I
think art is life and soeverything is the same journey
(12:35):
and also for my own sanity,let's be real. Um, I really was
thinking about how the thingthat I am missing most is
always the thing that I'mstruggling with right in front
of me. Which is how do Icommunicate, how do I be seen?
How do I interrupt the doctorspeak and or meet them on their
plane and doctor speak so thatthey can see me better in the
(12:55):
five minutes they have to seeme before they have to move on
to something else. And it mightbe in the end that the doctor
isn't the person I'm gonna getto see me fully, right? That
loneliness may always persist.
'cause again, they got fiveminutes and they got the
insurance breathing down theirneck and all these rules for
how they can really show up forme despite their best
intentions. And I have reallylovely doctors. And so that
(13:17):
might not be the ones that Iget to go to to be seen fully.
But I'm really lucky that Ihave people who see me, who I
check in with almost daily.
Especially when things arerough with my body and who see
the journey and understand.
'cause I've also learned if youtry to tell someone it's been
20 years, like no one can graspthat. But anyone who's been
with me for the last year ortwo who's been like, she's in a
(13:38):
sling now she's got a stomachache, this thing is wrong, this
thing , like, it's a lot. Andit's more for my brain to
comprehend. I'm constantlylike, no, no, no. That was,
we're gonna forget that we'regonna skip that part of the
story and get to like the goodparts, right? Like it's very
hard to comprehend a string ofchronic things. Um, and so it's
also a hard thing tocommunicate in five minutes to
anyone. And my medical historyis fast and convoluted and
(14:01):
there's lots of stories and itdepends on which body part you
wanna know about. So it's alsohard for me to download all of
my data into anyone in thosefive, maybe 15 minutes that I
get with them. So they mightnot be the one who gets to see
all of me 'cause they don'thave that kind of time. But as
long as I keep practicingseeing all of me, which is part
of showing up here with thissling and now my kinesio tape ,
(14:23):
I'm probably saying that wrong.
Um, that I've learned how to domyself very inexpertly. Um,
yeah, I think those are theloud truck. Um, I think those
are the gifts of, we have thisthing in film, which is We have
(14:45):
an expression on set, which ishold for sound. Meaning if
someone's motor is very, veryloud, everyone just gets quiet
and waits until the loud soundgoes and then we pick up
filming. And so I always thinkhold for sound. Um, but I just
wrap up with this thought that, um, this ongoing journey of
my own, of showing up here withmy shoulder injury that I keep
(15:07):
thinking, oh, tomorrow it'll bebetter, tomorrow'll be better,
right? We're doing the M r i ,we're doing the X-ray. I'll go
to physical therapy, it'll beokay. And four weeks, five
weeks into it, I honestly don'twant to know how long it's
been. I am very slowly findinga little bit less pain and a
little bit more mobility, buthave very little answers and am
hour by hour figuring out whatthe hell to do today. And it
(15:30):
has been really hard for me toshow up for this podcast.
'cause I'm like, what is thepoint? I don't know if tomorrow
will be better. I don't knowwhere I'm headed. I don't know
that anyone has answers for me.
And so part of my practice ofshowing up to myself is that
hold for sound is that , um,going through a medical journey
(15:51):
that's long and labored doesn'terase the parts of me that
still have something to saythat still wanna perform, that
are still writing, that stillwanna learn songs that someday
hopefully I get to play on myguitar. And until then I'll
learn how to sing. And that'shard. You know, it's, I think
when I'm sick and I'm hurting,I just wanna be that version
and have Netflix and chocolateon the couch all day and not
(16:13):
try to be anything else. Um,and there are days when that's
what I do. And then there aredays like this where I'm gonna
just try a little bit more tobe more parts of me than just
the one and show up in a placewhere I get to be seen, which
is also incredibly hard. So myinvitation to you, and it's not
an easy one, you know, is , um,to keep practicing what it is
(16:34):
that your inner landscape istelling you and how to
translate that and express itin the world. Because if I know
anything, it's that we needmore of that. We need more
people sharing how they liveand how they perceive their
lives and what journeys they'reon. Because that's how we
connect. That's how we buildcommunity, that's how we know
each other, and that's how wewalk this really hard path
together. Thank you for joiningme this week. Be well, my
(16:58):
friends.
Hi everyone. Uh , welcome back. Uh,
you're watching, you know whyI'm laughing because this feels
like an incredibly ill advisedway to set up a podcast. Um,
there's a heat wave in upstateNew York and actually probably
a lot of the country right nowin early September. And I am in
a place with no airconditioning and it is so
(00:20):
bloody hot that I cannot, Ithink I would melt if I more
than melt. I would probablypass out if I turned on a light
kit and lock myself indoors. SoI'm outdoors , um, where it's
stunningly beautiful. And alsoI am very afraid of how loud
these crickets are, or cicadas.
Um, the birds troll every oncein a while and it's super
(00:41):
peaceful, but , um, I'm alittle worried The mic is
picking all of it up. And I'malso a little bit close to a
road that's a bit Maine. So ,um, you'll hear trucks and
hopefully I'll be louder thanall of that , um, because I'm
having a week and I'm justgoing for it. So here I am
going for it outdoors. Um, whew. I'm always like, how do I
(01:07):
talk about stuff without goinginto medical , uh, life that
has been happening. I was heretwo weeks ago with a sling on,
the sling is off, which isexciting. Uh, the pain remains
a mystery and , uh, we don'tknow what's going on, which is
par for the course. I feel likeI'm just starting to say it's
very on brand for me to havemystery ailments that hurt a
(01:28):
lot and nobody can diagnose.
Um, and I was thinking aboutyou guys because I had a
follow-up , uh, appointmentwith my doctor who has , um,
scheduled me for an m r I , sowe'll have more answers
hopefully at some point in mylife. And I was really dreading
it because in my long, longjourney of going to doctors ,
uh, with ailments that they donot understand and cannot
(01:50):
diagnose , um, I, it's verydifferent now. I have to say
the caveat is very differentnow than it was 20 years ago
when this started, where Ioften met up with doctors who
said, your blood labs are fine,your test results are fine.
There's nothing wrong. And Iwas left with a lot of pain and
(02:12):
no answers. And I reallyremember getting this implicit
message of we don't know what'swrong. So it's you. Um, and you
know, there's been a lot, a lotof , um, talk, which I'm really
grateful for about medicalgaslighting and it's become
really an acknowledgement that,and I know this is a fine line
(02:34):
for doctors because they aremeant to be authoritative and
maybe that's how they'retrained to be and they are
meant to be reassuring in theirsource of knowledge. But what's
missing is, instead of sayingthe tests that we know how to
run, cannot figure out what iscausing you pain. And so we
need to find somewhere else togo. They kind of just say
nothing is wrong, which is notactually what's happening. And
(02:59):
the amount that we know aboutthe body and how it heals and
how it breaks is infinitesimalcompared to what we don't know.
There's so much about all ofthis that we don't know. And so
, um, if you're someone like mewho has a lot of things that
are weird going wrong, it feelsincredibly lonely to go to
experts who you are hopingprovide the answer to your pain
(03:23):
and also to your sense ofbrokenness and have them sort
of look at you like, well , wedunno what you're talking
about. Willis , um, ninetiesreference for all you old folks
with me. Um, and, and I wasthinking about this idea of
loneliness of I, I literallywas preparing for this
(03:45):
follow-up appointment to makemy case with my doctor, to get
him to authorize an M R I . Andactually now I know that he has
to go and fight with theinsurance company and prove
that I'm worthy of an M R Ibecause I opted outta physical
therapy. 'cause when I went tophysical therapy, everything
was worse. And insurancecompanies want you to do
physical therapy before they doan M R I , which I sort of
(04:06):
understand. Anyway. My doctorwas on my side as my point .
Um, he just wasn't excitedabout the prospect of many,
many phone calls to try to getme the , um, diagnosis or the
data that I need. And, but Iwas preparing for this meeting
because, you know, the firsttime I saw him he did an x-ray
and he was like, great, yourbones are good. You are , um,
(04:28):
there's no dislocation. You'refine. Stop wearing the sling
'cause you'll get frozenshoulder. You really wanna like
start moving your arm so itdoesn't freeze in that way ,
um, of kind of being hung byyour side. And I did. And then
he sent me to physical therapyand I did that. And then
everything got worse than ithad been. And that was really
scary 'cause I went to do the ,I'm such an A plus student. I'm
(04:49):
like, tell me to do a thing. Iwill go do it. I will go do it.
I wanna get the freaking a pluson my test score. And so , um,
I did the thing and the thingbackfired. And so I felt again
like, oh, I don't fit into yoursystem. I don't know how to
like, I don't know what's next.
'cause I think you told me todo a thing and then I failed at
the thing that you told me todo. And I was thinking about
(05:10):
the what loneliness is. Andloneliness to me is really
defined by not being seen bysomebody, by not having them,
the ability to see you and notbeing able to be your true self
around people. And that cancome in a lot of guises. I know
that for a lot of L G B T Qcommunity that can feel like
(05:32):
not being able to talk aboutwho you have a crush on because
they're maybe not the genderthat's approved , um, in the
circle that you come from. Andit can show up as, you know,
being an accountant who lovesto sing and doesn't wanna
anyone to tell, you know, thatlike that doesn't fit into this
idea of who you are as aserious person. And we're all
incredibly multifaceted and weall have lots of weirdness in
(05:55):
us. And the weirdness is thebest. And I think a form of
intimacy is being able to shareyour inner weird with someone
who gets you. And so there'sthis particular loneliness of
going to doctors and explainingthat I'm in pain and having
them look at me and say, thelab results say nothing is
wrong, therefore I don't knowwhat you're talking about. And
(06:22):
so I was preparing how totranslate the week that I'd had
of pain into doctor speak andinsurance speak . And I'm
learning now that one of thoseis I missed work. I couldn't go
to work. I was in so much pain.
And insurance really wants youto be a work person. They don't
care so much if it's like youcan't play tennis. Um, but if
(06:42):
you can't walk to work or youcan't perform your work
functions, they listen a littlebit more because capitalism ,
uh, and I really couldn't workand I was in a lot of pain. And
uh, but, but what I've beenlearning in this journey with
doctors is the ways in which, Imean, if you know me at all, I
have data for everything. Itrack all of my symptoms. I
track what I ate before mystomach hurt. I track what
(07:05):
medicine I tried and how itmade me feel. I'm tracking
everything because there's allthese things that happen that I
can't explain . And so I'malways trying to figure out
what I do know , um, so I canfigure out what I don't know.
And so I always go into adoctor's office and I have all
kinds of data and all kinds ofinformation and yet it doesn't
quite seem to land. And so itfeels like I am speaking
clinging on to them. Um, andmaybe that would be fine if it
(07:29):
was like a cocktail party and Iwas like, cool, cool. You
didn't get my joke. That was,you know, kind of lame, but
okay. But when you're really inpain and needing someone to
understand you so they can helpyou , it, it's so desolate,
it's so devastatingly lonely tobe in an office and try to
communicate what is wrong andbe met with a blank stare. And
(07:50):
this made me think about youguys because always I'm
thinking about you guys and thepurpose of art and this idea
that the purpose of art is tofigure out a language to
express yourself, to be able toshare with the world who you
are, to be brave enough to takeyour weird insides and bring
them outside. And you might notshare your weird insides with
everybody. Um, but I do thinkit's about that. It's about
(08:13):
creating a language that allowsus to explain to the world and
by the world, it could be ourloved ones or it could be a
blockbuster movie , um, but whowe are and to be seen fully as
that person. You know, evenactors are always saying, yes,
you wanna disappear intosomeone, but you're actually,
if you're doing it right,you're bringing out your truest
(08:34):
self and you're overlaying iton a character story. But
that's you. 'cause that's whatpeople respond to is who are
you really? What is yourunfiltered reaction to the
world? What is your unfilteredgut punch to being broken up
with and having your, you know,going through incredible loss
or feeling disappointed or likehow do you process the world
(08:56):
and how do you connect withpeople or push them away? And
that's everybody's journey. Andso I was thinking about how art
is essentially built out ofthis human need to connect and
to bridge the gap of lonelinessby being seen. And so the gift
of someone receiving yournovel, your podcast, your
(09:18):
performance and recognizingthemselves in it means that
they feel seen by your art,which is an incredible gift.
And when they tell you thatthey felt seen, you also feel
seen. So there's thisincredible reciprocity to
putting art in the world andhaving others experience it. I
dunno if you've had that . I'vehad this all the time when I'm
reading something really goodbook and I'm like, wow, they
(09:40):
just nailed something that'sbeen bugging me that I could
feel inside me, but I couldn'tput my finger on. And now like
I, I feel seen, I have languagefor this thing that I've been
feeling and I couldn't, Icouldn't explain. I didn't have
language for, I didn'tunderstand the math of those,
you know, relationships or, orwhatever. And, and that's art
is an act of translation. Artis an act of expression. Art is
(10:02):
an act of creating language.
Um, and so I just wanted toremind us all that that's kind
of the epic thrust of it. And,and that there's this
incredible thing where in thesearch we're trying to express
ourselves to others. I think wemore and more define ourselves
(10:24):
to ourselves. And yes, it'sincredibly important to have
people receive your work, butmostly because when someone
else receives you, it allowsyou to receive yourself more.
And so all these acts ofwriting, of explaining, of
expressing are really ways ofcoming home to yourself. And
what I find is that the morethat you practice putting stuff
(10:46):
in the world, in whatever smallway feels right to you, the
more you're able to attractothers who look at your stuff
and go, oh yeah, I know whatthat is. I know what that feels
like. I'm so glad you said it.
And then your circle grows topeople who look at you and go,
yes, I get you. I see you and Idon't want another version of
you. Go , I want this versionthat shows me all that you are.
(11:07):
And that's an incredible gift.
And it doesn't have to beeveryone in your life. There's
lots of coworkers and familymembers who don't necessarily
need to know all parts of you.
But I think everyone isdesperate for a core of those
people and most especially forthem themselves, to be able to
welcome home who they are. Andin that way it's a lifelong,
it's a lifelong journey, right?
(11:27):
'cause we're always peelingback layers, learning more
about ourselves and alwaysgrappling. I think with the
experience of being human,which constantly changes. We
lose people, we lose parents,we lose, you know , um, we grow
old, we retire. There's certainmilestones that a lot of us
share. Certainly aging, ifyou're lucky enough is one of
(11:48):
them. And then there's so manyways to experience those things
and the losses and the joys ofbeing human that we're always
gonna grapple with what it isto be human. And we're always
gonna grapple with explainingto another person, this is what
my grief feels like. This iswhat my disappointment does to
me. This is what my joy, mylove feels like. And whether
you can paint it or turn aphrase or perform it, it's just
(12:13):
this deep desire to both knowyourself and be seen by others.
So In my ever expanding , um,dedication to turning all of my
medical journey intoreflections on art because I
think art is life and soeverything is the same journey
(12:35):
and also for my own sanity,let's be real. Um, I really was
thinking about how the thingthat I am missing most is
always the thing that I'mstruggling with right in front
of me. Which is how do Icommunicate, how do I be seen?
How do I interrupt the doctorspeak and or meet them on their
plane and doctor speak so thatthey can see me better in the
(12:55):
five minutes they have to seeme before they have to move on
to something else. And it mightbe in the end that the doctor
isn't the person I'm gonna getto see me fully, right? That
loneliness may always persist.
'cause again, they got fiveminutes and they got the
insurance breathing down theirneck and all these rules for
how they can really show up forme despite their best
intentions. And I have reallylovely doctors. And so that
(13:17):
might not be the ones that Iget to go to to be seen fully.
But I'm really lucky that Ihave people who see me, who I
check in with almost daily.
Especially when things arerough with my body and who see
the journey and understand.
'cause I've also learned if youtry to tell someone it's been
20 years, like no one can graspthat. But anyone who's been
with me for the last year ortwo who's been like, she's in a
(13:38):
sling now she's got a stomachache, this thing is wrong, this
thing , like, it's a lot. Andit's more for my brain to
comprehend. I'm constantlylike, no, no, no. That was,
we're gonna forget that we'regonna skip that part of the
story and get to like the goodparts, right? Like it's very
hard to comprehend a string ofchronic things. Um, and so it's
also a hard thing tocommunicate in five minutes to
anyone. And my medical historyis fast and convoluted and
(14:01):
there's lots of stories and itdepends on which body part you
wanna know about. So it's alsohard for me to download all of
my data into anyone in thosefive, maybe 15 minutes that I
get with them. So they mightnot be the one who gets to see
all of me 'cause they don'thave that kind of time. But as
long as I keep practicingseeing all of me, which is part
of showing up here with thissling and now my kinesio tape ,
(14:23):
I'm probably saying that wrong.
Um, that I've learned how to domyself very inexpertly. Um,
yeah, I think those are theloud truck. Um, I think those
are the gifts of, we have thisthing in film, which is We have
(14:45):
an expression on set, which ishold for sound. Meaning if
someone's motor is very, veryloud, everyone just gets quiet
and waits until the loud soundgoes and then we pick up
filming. And so I always thinkhold for sound. Um, but I just
wrap up with this thought that, um, this ongoing journey of
my own, of showing up here withmy shoulder injury that I keep
(15:07):
thinking, oh, tomorrow it'll bebetter, tomorrow'll be better,
right? We're doing the M r i ,we're doing the X-ray. I'll go
to physical therapy, it'll beokay. And four weeks, five
weeks into it, I honestly don'twant to know how long it's
been. I am very slowly findinga little bit less pain and a
little bit more mobility, buthave very little answers and am
hour by hour figuring out whatthe hell to do today. And it
(15:30):
has been really hard for me toshow up for this podcast.
'cause I'm like, what is thepoint? I don't know if tomorrow
will be better. I don't knowwhere I'm headed. I don't know
that anyone has answers for me.
And so part of my practice ofshowing up to myself is that
hold for sound is that , um,going through a medical journey
(15:51):
that's long and labored doesn'terase the parts of me that
still have something to saythat still wanna perform, that
are still writing, that stillwanna learn songs that someday
hopefully I get to play on myguitar. And until then I'll
learn how to sing. And that'shard. You know, it's, I think
when I'm sick and I'm hurting,I just wanna be that version
and have Netflix and chocolateon the couch all day and not
(16:13):
try to be anything else. Um,and there are days when that's
what I do. And then there aredays like this where I'm gonna
just try a little bit more tobe more parts of me than just
the one and show up in a placewhere I get to be seen, which
is also incredibly hard. So myinvitation to you, and it's not
an easy one, you know, is , um,to keep practicing what it is
(16:34):
that your inner landscape istelling you and how to
translate that and express itin the world. Because if I know
anything, it's that we needmore of that. We need more
people sharing how they liveand how they perceive their
lives and what journeys they'reon. Because that's how we
connect. That's how we buildcommunity, that's how we know
each other, and that's how wewalk this really hard path
together. Thank you for joiningme this week. Be well, my
(16:58):
friends.
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