Rage Requires Creativity

I imagine all humans struggle with rage - there is certainly ample reason to be angry in this world.

Just the act of being human requires loving people, losing people. Having your heart broken, being rejected. Getting sick, watching your body deteriorate (if you're lucky.)

These are all incredibly difficult things, for which there is no one to yell at. No one to blame.

So the rage, that deep sense of loss and frustration and powerlessness, needs a form of expression.

This is where creativity meets us.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
So reluctant to hit record because I am not sure I
have any idea how to talk aboutthis topic tonight. And I
really wanna be honest andvulnerable with you guys. And
I'm also realizing , uh hmm I'mvery good at speaking
vulnerably, but I'm not greatat showing up affect wise ,

(00:21):
vulnerably meaning even whenI'm talking about really hard,
I tend to show up really happyand peppy and energized. Um,
I'll get to that. Hi friends,this is , uh, my podcast, how
to be your Own Use . I'm reallyhappy to have you guys back ,

(00:42):
um, for a super uncomfortabletopic tonight that , um, I'm
just gonna write off the batsay I will probably butcher
trying to talk about becauseI'm realizing I have no idea
how to talk about it and nobodyreally does talk about it . I
wanna talk about rage. Let'sput it out there. And I've been

(01:05):
feeling really ragey latelybecause I've been having
another bout of flare up . Ifyou know anything about me, I
have this, I don't even wannacall it chronic illness, I just
get sick a lot. We keep sort offiguring out what's wrong, but
we also have to test theoriesof what's wrong and test
theories of what might help.
And there was a medication that, uh, was actually supplement

(01:29):
that I need cuz I'm not makingenough of a certain vitamin.
And I took an extremely lowdose of it knowing that my
system is very sensitive andeven at like one pill a week,
low dose , I got really sick.
Um, and it took about threeweeks for me to get really sick
and then by then it was toolate to undo what I had done.

(01:50):
So I was really sick for abouta week. And this weekend it
finally felt better. And byreally sick, I mean every time
I ate, my stomach hurt so much,I fell asleep. Um, it hurt to
eat, it hurt not to eat , uh,those kinds of things. So I'm
lucky that nothing is comingout of me from either orifice.

(02:13):
Uh, I know other people havelots of IBS and Crohn's and
issues. Um, gonna the bathroom,which is also incredibly
debilitating and. I don't havethat. I just have constant pain
and it makes me afraid of foodand it makes me afraid of
people and it also makes me soexhausted that I cancel plans
and don't go out. I sort ofroll outta bed, , pick

(02:33):
up my laptop and roll back intobed and really blessed that I
have a , a freelance day jobthat I can work from anywhere
on my laptop and will do that.
Um, and, and even some daysthat's really hard. Um, anyway,
so I finally thought I wasbetter and then I realized that
that was just the week that theillness was in my body. The bad

(02:56):
reaction to the thing that wasmaking me feel terrible. And
then once it left I on Mondaywas like, oh great, I can have
a little bit of protein and Ihad a bite of a chicken sausage
and I was sick for another 24hours because it's too much.
And so I live in a world wherethe rules for what I can eat
change, hour to hour , meal tomeal, day-to-day when I'm

(03:21):
really healthy and strong, Ihave a much better sense of
what I can eat and I canexperiment more. And when I'm
not, I don't even know what I'mallowed to eat. I have to
figure it out. And I get a lotof coaching on this cuz it's
really hard to do. And I'mactually very good at this.
I've been at this for a while .

(03:41):
Um, I'm still not great atowning that I have a chronic
illness. Um, I may debate thattill I die, but I'm definitely
really good at showing up inpain, knowing when to take
action and when to rest andwhen to push through cuz
there's nothing more I can dofor that day. Often I'll , um,
my stomach like I think onMonday was killing me for hours
and I ran errands just to keepmyself uh, busy because I know

(04:05):
if I walk it helps my bodymetabolize whatever is
bothering it. Um, and I drinkwater and I do all the things,
but at a certain point there isnothing to do but to get
through it. And I was runningerrands and I'm in the car
doing deep breathing because Ifeel like I'm gonna throw up ,
um, and dizzy and I get to thegrocery store and I'm just

(04:27):
singing to myself. I wannathrow up, I wanna throw up, I
wanna throw up, I wanna throwup because I think what's
really hard about this , um,apart from the chronic ness,
which I'm still trying tofigure out a good metaphor for
because if you like, it's sohard to explain, it's so hard
to explain. And one of thethings that's really

(04:48):
infuriating is the kindestpeople who wanna help don't
understand most of them . Andthey wanna offer you food and
they want, and then they wannatalk you into food and then
they want a list of foods youcan't eat and the list of foods
you can't eat. And then whatabout this and what about this?
And at that point nothing canbe eaten and you don't wanna

(05:08):
talk about it and it'sinfuriating and it's
exhausting. And I snapped at afriend the other day who just
kept listing foods and I waslike, no, I actually need to
not eat right now. Um, I thinkthat was the first time she
understood how terrible I feltbecause before that I walked in
and was like, oh, I found thisbook that I wanna give to you.
And one of the things that'sreally infuriating is that

(05:29):
because I know there's not alot I can do when I'm in pain
other than wait it out, Idistract myself and I make sure
that when I talk to humans I,not that I'm in a good mood,
but the flip side of that is ifI show up and I'm in a really
mood, it's a very lonely thingand no one can help. And so I

(05:50):
end up leaving uh, thatinteraction and just feeling
like if I push people away whenI feel really, I end up feeling
more alone. So I'd rather, youknow, some days I'm like, let's
talk about it. And most daysI'm like, let's not. There's
nothing you can do. And Ireally don't wanna go into the
list of the 20 years of tryingto feed myself that I have in

(06:10):
my brain and figuring out whatI can have today. It's just not
a fun topic. So a lot of it'sreally lonely. I have a lot of
support, I have a health coachand I have a really great
doctor and I get coaching froma regular coach because that is
the level of stuff I'm goingthrough. Um, but it's really
hard. It's really, really,really hard. And I think

(06:33):
everyone has their own heart. Idon't think my heart is more
than anyone else's. I thinkbeing a human is hard. You sign
up to love people and have themdie and get old and leave you
and there's heartbreak andthere's your own body falling
apart and there's money andkids and the climate that we

(06:54):
screwed up, like there's just alot. Um, no one gets off
scot-free. I don't care howmuch money you have, no one is
exempt from how hard being ahuman is. And so what's
interesting is I was talking toa coach about this and I was
kind of going through the listof things and you know, being
like, well what about thisthought if I thought this,
would it be better if I thoughtthis? And, and she just said

(07:17):
like, you're doing all theright things. You've already
made a list of what you can do,a list of what you can't do,
your thoughts, so your head'sin a really good place. She's
like, you're just really angry.
And I was like, yeah, what do Ido with that? She was like,
that's the million dollarquestion. And as I said at the

(07:39):
beginning, I don't think welive in a culture where anger
is appropriate, especially notfor women, especially not women
of color or black men, blackwomen , um, have extra rules
about how they can show theiremotions. Women have extra
rules about how they can showtheir emotions. But I don't
think men, white men are offscot-free either because I
think their anger has to bechanneled in a certain way

(08:01):
that's often violent andinflicts injury on others,
which might definitely not thehealthiest way. And I don't
think they get offered a wholebunch of options. So I don't
think anyone's getting offScott free on how to express
their anger. Um, I just wannashout out that certain people
have extra rules that they liveunder that make it more
infuriating to be angry, not beable to say anything about it.

(08:24):
And I think we all have reasonto be angry about something if
not many, many things. And Iwas thinking about how when I'm
angry at a person or I'm angryat a situation, I will either
troubleshoot the situation andfix it or if the person I'm
gonna look for how did Icontribute to this? What can I
learn from this? How can wehave a better conversation? Do

(08:45):
we wanna strengthen therelationship or walk away from
it? Like there just feels likethings you can do and for
something that is repetitiveand never ending . And one of
the reasons it's infuriating iscuz I'm now oversleeping my
alarm most morning. So I wakeup terrified I'm gonna miss a
meeting late to my day, missingout on morning meditation and

(09:08):
journaling practices andwalking and all the things that
keep me calm and help countermy anxiety. And so what I have
is this sense and I've beensick and some days are better
than others. And so the idea ofmaking plans is like, oh we're
still in this. I thought we'dbe done last weekend but we're
still in this. So should I makea plan for this weekend? Should
I try to see a friend? Should Igo out? I don't know. And if I

(09:29):
go out, can I eat anything?
Probably not. Um, and if I eatsomething at lunch, will I be
sick at dinner? Who knows? So ,uh, yeah. And then the waking
up late makes me not trust mybody, not not know if I can
make a plan for tomorrow orwhen I'll be available or when
my day will start and losingthose morning hours to get
stuff done. And yeah, like Idon't, I'm a planner. I like

(09:56):
knowing what my week c I likesetting goals. I like saying by
the end of the week I'm gonnahave this thing done. Like this
podcast I've been trying to getdone for many days at this
point and just been feeling soand had a lot to deal with for
that. And I just , um, so allthe goal setting that people
teach you that I'm sure isincredibly valuable is not
always super helpful to me. AndI find that really, really

(10:18):
hard. So my point mostly beingthat there is no one to yell at
about this thing, there is nothing to yell at cuz it's my
body struggling to live in thisworld. Um, there's something
about how it functions and howmaybe it isn't making enough
stomach acids. We're not sureit's got inflammation, we're

(10:39):
not sure. We may never knowentirely. I also hate that I
really wanna know a answer butwe may never know. Um, and so
for someone who really likes toplan, I can't be mad, I don't
wanna be mad at my body, Iwanna be in allyship. That
sounds like an thing. Like I'vetaken from , sorry, I

(10:59):
don't know what the word isright? But I wanna be a good
steward of my body and Icertainly don't wanna be mad at
it cause it's doing its best itcan to function given how it's
built to make whatever enzymesit's making. So I can't yell at
anybody, I don't wanna yell atmy friends. It's not their
fault. I don't wanna yell atanybody I care about. And so,
or even anybody I don't careabout, I don't wanna yell at

(11:21):
people in general. This is mything about yelling at people
or taking out your anger onsomeone else . It doesn't solve
anything. It just gives them areason to now be angry and pass
it on to someone else. I don'twanna pass that on. I wanna
pass on kindness. So my angeris mine to deal with and I'm
okay with that. I just don'tknow what to do with it. And a

(11:43):
lot of the examples about likeplanning and oversleeping,
those are things I can fix. Ican figure out, okay, if I'm
gonna sleep until this hour,then we're gonna figure out how
to be awake until this hour andwe'll use this time and we'll
just like change the plan. Ican do all that work. That's
what I do on coaching. But theother part of the equation is
actually just making space tofeel rage. And, and I don't

(12:03):
know how to do that and I'mscared of my own anger and I'm
scared of expressing it aroundothers and I'm scared of being
unlovable because I have angerand I'm scared of having two
strong emotions, which somepeople get scared off by. Um, I
actually have a friend who'sreally struggling with how I
feel things really strongly andthat's been hard for our
relationship, our friendship.

(12:24):
Um, so I went to this coachingcall talking about this and she
essentially said, look, when itcomes to the how to solve the
logistics of you can't show upto your life, you're sick, you
don't know for how long you'vegotta alter your plans , you've
gotta it all go figured out.
Like you're just having tofigure out day to day and it
sucks but you know how to dothat. And the thing about rage

(12:44):
is it's just meant to be felt.
And I was like, but I don'tknow what to do with it. And
she said, well good thingyou're an artist cuz now is
where you get to be creativeabout what do you wanna do with
it. I was like, oh, she's like,there's no one way. You know, a
lot of people talk about takinga stick in the woods and like
slamming a tree with it orhitting the floor or taking a

(13:07):
pillow and taking a tennisracket or a bat and hitting the
pillow. I have really bad jointpain so I actually can't do
that. Which sounds marvelous.
Another reason to be off, butlike join me in the ,
what is it? Like join me in thedark place now. Um , so I can't
do that. And and so we startedtalking, you know, like what

(13:30):
could I do? And I'm like, wellI was in a , a practice once
that talked about, they calledit swamping, which was the idea
that you would play really emo,grungy sad music, whatever
works for you . And you woulddance to it and you would just
let your body feel all of itsemotions. And it wasn't like
pretty dancing. It was likestart on the floor and just

(13:50):
feel like a blob and let yourblobness lead you somewhere.
And I was like, oh, I could dothat. That's gentle. Um, and I
was like, you know , I've beengetting into coloring lately
and I thought, and I doodle alot when I'm journaling and I
thought, oh great, even justtaking a black pen and like
drawing the darkness and thepain and the anger actually

(14:11):
feels really good. And that'swhen I realized that creat that
rage requires creativity. Thatone of the things that art does
for us either collectively orindividually, both overlapping
sometimes is gives us ways toexpress this stuff. And there

(14:31):
are a lot of ways in whichplaying the guitar or singing a
song might be a better avenueto express love , um, or
community or kinship. But um,being able to paint with really
dark colors or being able to,yeah, I gotta think of things
that don't hurt my joints.
Which is hard because I thinkpart of the rage is like you

(14:52):
feel it full body and you justwanna let it out and but the
idea that there's all thesedifferent places where it can
be expressed, that's not aboutsaying it to a person that's
saying, there's this reallything that exists in the world
and honestly pick your thingbecause the infuriating and the
climate crisis is terrifying.

(15:14):
Families are really hard,loving people is incredibly
painful. Even when it's good. Imean all of it, all of it's
hard, right? So we've all gotreasons and, and for some
people maybe that's poetry,whether writing it or reading
it and maybe it's writing anessay or reading. I got a lot
of comfort reading books and Igot a lot of comfort reading

(15:35):
books from people who are goingthrough really dark because I
think we have hard time talkingto each other about dark stuff.
It's scary and we're not reallytrained to hold it. And
especially in the US we're kindof very big on like, Hey, I'm
good, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'mfine, you're fine. Good
. And Europeans arealways like, why are you guys
so happy? And they're much morecomfortable with just being in

(15:55):
a bad mood and letting that notbe a problem. And I think we
have a lot of , um, deep desireto be okay all the time around
each other, which makes it hardwhen you're going through a
thing. So I also don't wannastart by like, ah , I feel
like. And then have that landand have that person feel
responsible for that or notknow what to say. I don't wanna
create that kind of a gap ordistance between us. So , um,

(16:19):
yeah, other places that you canput it. And I'm, I'm blanking
cuz I actually haven't spent aton of time. Mine were really
about like doodling anddancing, which are my places to
go. Um, but a lot of things Iwrite down are like listening
to just angry, frustrated musicmakes me really happy. Reading
books that are dark, I've beenin like a fantasy ya uh, a
rabbit hole . And what I loveabout that is like bad, but

(16:42):
it's also make believe bad. Sosomehow you feel a little bit
of distance from it and there'smagic makes me feel better
about things. Um, but havingother people's expression of
their painful times I findreally, really helpful. And
some of the most impactfulbooks I've read have been
memoirs. I still rememberreading a memoir from

(17:03):
someone's, she actually sharedher diary entries from when she
was so clinically depressed.
She had to get electro shocktherapy in order to get better
and was dark. But it also atthe time I was incredibly
depressed and it also helpedreflect back, oh this like
darkness I live in isn't justmine. And as terrible and awful

(17:26):
as that seems, that is initself a connection and that is
a way to be less alone in thething that's hard. So I think
of all the plays that I'veseen, especially by Irish
Playmakers, they have a longhistory of just feeling and
being shot on . Um, they tendto be known for their darkness

(17:49):
and their their moodiness. Uh,and so yeah, there's, there's
just places where not onlycreating can lead to someone
else allowing for theirs to belet out, right? There's the
therapeutic, the catharsis of ,um, I think about this a lot
when you watch someone and theyfinally are able to cry on
screen or they get to yell,that was another big one, A
silent yell. I love that. I'vebeen pointing myself just like

(18:11):
all my muscles clench and Ijust, I don't actually wanna
make the sound. It hurts mythroat, but I just wanna like
scream. And I find that deeplyhelpful. And I know when I
watch someone do that on TV andthey get to have all that
emotion, it allows me to feelthat that's safe and that my
humanity is expressed throughthat. And it doesn't mean I'm
only that it means I am thatand other things. So as I said,

(18:34):
I don't know that I've madesense of this. I don't know
that I've gotten anywhere. Uh,I like to show up to these
things with like three clearpoints that I wanna make and my
brain is so fuzzy and I'm soangry and don't know what to do
with any of it. So of course Ishowed up to talk about it and
give myself ideas. And I thinkevery day that I think about

(18:56):
this , um, I don't know, I'mtrying to be in the swamp and
not let it be a reason. There'sthis thing about resistance
that a lot of what causessuffering is you don't like how
you're feeling now and youdon't wanna feel it and you're
trying so hard not to feel it,that you make it worse. So I am

(19:16):
trying to allow myself to be inthis feeling and hate it a
little bit less . I'mnot aiming for not hating it.
Um, and I think once I can getto that place, then maybe I can
be like, okay, this is the timewe rage out. What's it gonna be
today? And also like when is ita thing I do when I wake up in
the morning? Is it a thing I doat three o'clock? Is it a thing

(19:38):
that needs to happen everyhour? I think part of the
creativity thing is alsotesting on yourself and your
system and being like, whatkind of rage do I need? Do I
need to scream with a group ofpeople by the river? Is that
what's helpful? Do I need acommunity? You know? Um, I feel
like this is what sports arebuilt for, right? Like you get
to ram your body and take yourenergy and throw it. Um, and
you get to be in communitywhile you do it. I'm thinking

(20:00):
of , uh, football and soccerfor some reason. Uh, wait,
football, American football,soccer, you don't ram yourself
at people. Um, but, or rugby,you know, there's a couple of
full contact sports. A lot ofthem aren't, but even people
playing tennis, if you'rereally into it, you're like
whacking the ball. So I don'tknow, I don't know. I'm
offering this thing that I havenot at all solved and have just

(20:22):
started scratching the surfaceof and really hate that I even
have to figure out because Iwould like to not be an angry
person and I would like not tohave to feel rage ever, but
apparently that's not a optionfor anyone as far as I know,
although I haven't researchedit. But I have a feeling that
all of us humans are in thesame boat. That's all I got for

(20:46):
this

Speaker 2 (20:46):
Week. I hope you guys are well, whether you're
raging or not. Cause um, yeah,at least then you're in it. And
that's for lack of anythingelse. Still a good place to be.