August 10, 2023 • 20 mins
I live in a constant state of panic of being behind.
Behind in being 'discovered' as an artist.
Behind in being established in my creative career.
Behind in the traditional female pressures of marriage, kids, the house with the white picket fence.
I wake up with this incredible pressure to catch up, as though everyone else started life ahead of me, and I'm still trying to get to the beginning of things.
It's another flavor of my anxiety, I'm sure, and it manifests in my starting - and abandoning - creative projects. I'm always convinced the other project, the one I'm not doing, is the one I should be doing RIGHT NOW.
So I stop, and switch.
And immediately become convinced that no, actually, that was the one I should be working on.
All of which leads to paralysis. And total shut down.
And no projects brought to completion.
And, in the grand paradox of things, my panic leading to the exact thing I fear most.
That I'm letting time slip away without creating.
This week I share about that pressure, how I'm working with it, and what I'm actively choosing to start practicing believing instead.
Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!
#CreatingIsHealing🦋
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I am cracking up as I start this because if you
knew how precariously perchedeverything is right now, the
amount of empty Amazon boxes ,uh, that could tip over at any
moment , um, that are holdingup my laptop, my mic, and the
(00:20):
amount of set dressing thatgoes into this. I, I remember
thinking about this when I wasauditioning , um, during the
pandemic. It was a lot ofself-tapes at home, which, if
you're following the strike,you're probably hearing a lot
about this. That in-personauditions got shifted a lot to
at-home auditions. And therewere some really great benefits
to that and some realdrawbacks. And as we have come
out of the pandemic castingoffices haven't really returned
(00:43):
to , um, to in person . And thereason that one of many reasons
that the Actor's Union isstriking is because the casting
directors can request 200auditions for one role. And so
actors are spending a lot oftime at home memorizing lines,
putting themselves on camera,sending it in. And you used to
(01:04):
compete against maybe 20 peoplefor a role because that's all a
casting director could see in aday. You had to show up and,
you know, it was a whole thingtoo 'cause you had to show up
and wait and go in. But, butthere was more time and, and
they , um, there was a smallerpool. And so now they're
requesting so many auditionsthat actors are spending a lot
of time filming themselves athome for things that they
(01:25):
aren't really up for becausethere's just so much
competition. And there's thisreal question of being
compensated for that time. Thatactor spent a lot of time
memorizing lines, creating acharacter, putting themselves
on camera, figuring out how tomake it look good, figuring out
how to tell the story the bestthey can on camera in their
little corner of an apartment,asking friends to be their
(01:45):
readers , um, or hiring someoneto be their reader. And it's a
lot of time spent working onsomething creative and they're
not being compensated for it.
So it's , uh, not at all what Iwas gonna talk about. But I
remember in the beginning ofthe pandemic, when I was
auditioning at home and , uh,the amount of like boxes I had
(02:06):
all around me, just behind thecamera, which was a laptop,
right? Like my whole place. Iwould essentially take whatever
junk was in my closet, which iswhere I'd hidden like this ,
you know, I'm pretty organized,but there's definitely a junk
closet section and move it tobehind the camera. And I was
just surrounded by stuff andlike, turn off the ac so the
sound was good, turn on thelight. So I looked good. But
(02:27):
then you were gonna melt underthe, under the heat of the lamp
'cause you can't have the AC onfor the sound. Like, I always
love it when people think thatbeing an actor is so glamorous.
'cause it's pretty much theopposite. You're always in some
weird cramped corner with fourpeople staring at you. One's
holding a boom mic over yourhead, one's up in your face
with something else. You gottakill the sound, which means you
(02:48):
gotta turn off their fridge.
And anything that buzzes the acso everyone's melting,
especially in the summertime.
And , uh, and it's the mostbizarro thing. I love it. But
anyway, I had this podcastingset up as a nomad , uh,
lifestyle. I don't always, Ikind of make it up on the fly
every time I get into a newAirbnb. And this time I played
(03:09):
a lot with boxes that hopefullywill stay upright and not break
all my things. Okay, tangentaside , um, I actually really
want to talk to you guys thisweek about something I
experienced really, reallydeeply. And I'm starting to
really take concrete steps towork on. And that for me is
time scarcity. This idea thatthere's never enough time that
(03:34):
I'm, I'm late, I'm late. I'mlike that, what is it in Alison
Wonderland? I think it's theMad Hatter, or it's the little
rabbit who's like, I'm late,I'm late, I'm late. I feel like
that I'm just, I'm late all thetime. No matter how much I get
done. I wake up late. I feellike I'm late for my life. I
feel like I'm missed gettingdiscovered, quote unquote as an
actor. I feel like I missedgetting married. I feel like
(03:56):
there are all these markers,you know, especially as actors,
especially as female actors, weget told when you're 35, it's
over. There's no more rules foryou. That's changing a lot. But
that's been this idea foractors for a long time. Um, I
feel like a lot of women feelpressure to get married by 30
to start having kids. Um, Idon't know the men's pressures
(04:17):
as well, but I'm sure there'slike to make a million dollars
, uh, to make the 30 under 30list. That's also for women
too. There's, you know, workambitions. But I imagine for
men, again, traditional thingsthat were being taught that
don't necessarily apply, butthat are in the ether. I think
for men it would probably be,you know, have , uh, ability to
provide for a family, right?
(04:37):
And , uh, maybe that's a homeor that's a really steady job
and a 4 0 1 k and stuff likethat. None of these are bad
things to have. It's just thesense that there is a timeline
that you are not sticking to.
And I think especially asartists, it can feel like there
is a ticking clock to beingdiscovered. Um, and to having
your moment. I know , um, I'msure it is for like, I'm
(05:00):
thinking painting or novelists.
I feel like novelists you couldprobably come later at life and
there's so many great novelistswho , uh, spend their whole
lives having a career as apsychologist or, you know,
something else and then write aphenomenal book , um, in their
sixties. So maybe that's alittle bit different. But I,
yeah, there's definitely thistime pressure. And even if it's
not external, this idea ofbeing quote unquote discovered,
(05:22):
I have an internal pressure andI find that I do this to myself
a lot when I get an idea for aproject and I get really
excited about it. And when Istart taking steps toward it,
almost immediately my braingoes, but that'll take too long
and you should be doing thisother thing. And I end up
jumping from project toproject, always being afraid
that the one that I want to dowill take too long. And it
(05:46):
means missing out on otherthings that I quote unquote
should be doing in order toadvance myself into wherever I
wanna go next in my career. Andso the net sum of that is I
don't do the things. Um, and Ithink that's true of anything.
You know, developing a filmtakes a really long time.
Finishing a script takes a longtime. Finishing a novel takes a
really long time. And choosinga project means saying no to
(06:10):
other opportunities. And it'snot a bad thing. But when you
live with a sense that you arealready behind on having made
the amount of films you wantedto make, or had the Oscar, you
know, nominated a performancethat you're dreaming of or
gotten into XY gallery, that isyour goal. Um, and I think
(06:31):
again, you know , I, I have,I've been sick for a long time.
I don't love the word chronicillness, but that's probably
the best term for it. And so Ido think I also have this idea
of like, I kind of , not that Imissed out on my twenties, but
I spent a lot of time going todoctors and figuring out how to
pay my bills and get a steadyjob with health insurance,
which a lot of people in theirtwenties do. Um, but I , in my
head, there's always this ideathat like, had I been able to
(06:53):
live off of ramen noodles and ahundred bucks a week and done
community theater out in theboondocks, then I would be a
real actor. You know, the theidea of having time to
sacrifice yourself for thecareer that you want, and
there's truth to that. There isa real doggedness that any kind
of career , um, I think of anartist career like a , a
(07:15):
startup company, it justrequires kind of blind passion
and devotion in the beginningbecause you are the only one
who sees that it's possible.
And it's your job to go out andconvince a whole ton of other
people that it's possible. Andyour faith alone is pretty much
what gets people believing inthe vision that you have for
your career. It took me a longtime to really realize that and
that I had this responsibilityto see for myself where I wanna
(07:39):
go. And in that seeing it andknowing it and deepen my bones,
it would help me really. Um ,you just speak to people
differently. You approach 'emdifferently when you trust in
yourself, who it is that youwant to be as an artist,
something I'm still working on.
But I'm starting to understandbetter how that works. And so
there is something about, youknow, people who, again, actors
(08:00):
quote unquote becomingovernight sensations have often
put in 10 years of their livesof auditioning, of not getting
the role of doing small partsof uh , you know, even big
moments that feel like the bigmoment and then nothing happens
after. It's so you have to beable to keep coming back and,
you know, deciding that thereis something that you believe
(08:20):
in strongly enough. JK Rowlingstalks about this with Harry
Potter. She got, was it ahundred rejection letters? I
don't remember the name, thenumber 'cause it's been a long
time since I read that. But shekept submitting it and everyone
told her Harry Potter as anovel was, I don't think they
use the word terrible. Ihonestly don't remember what
they said, but everyone waslike, this will never go. And
(08:41):
it's probably the biggest novelof all time again, I dunno ,
the stats, but given how globalof a phenomenon it became, she
was the one who kept believing.
And at the time she was awaitress. She was a single mom
working a not great paying job,writing this book and
submitting it over and over andover again and being told over
(09:01):
and over again. No, and I thinkthis feeds into that time
scarcity thing, this panic thatI have about, I haven't done
the right thing yet. I stillhave to do the right thing that
will lead to the, you know,I've gotta do the audition that
will lead to the film. Or I'vegotta premiere this festival so
(09:23):
I can meet this filmmaker and a, I don't even know which
filmmaker I'm, I mean, there'sa list of people I want to meet
and collaborate with, but youcan't predict who's gonna be at
that film festival or thatgallery opening or which editor
is gonna read your book, right?
So it's not like I can, I liketo think I can control all the
things and my brain is alwaystrying to control seven steps
ahead of me. But the realityis, it comes from this faith in
(09:44):
whatever project you do, you'regonna learn a ton from, you're
gonna be able to expressyourself. You're gonna be able
to show and sharpen yourtalents and your craft and your
skills. And from that, you willthen meet the next collaborator
that will be ready for the nextproject. And you're gonna keep
evolving and clarifying what itis that you have to say in the
world and how you manage to sayit and communicate it and
(10:06):
clarifying the kind of peoplethat you wanna work with and
the kind of projects you wannamake together. So I know all of
this in my brainintellectually, but I still
wake up constantly with thisidea of I'm late, I'm late, I'm
late. And I think part of it isthis idea that in acting in any
(10:28):
big creative project, there'sno, there's a long to-do list
and I'm very good at to-dolists and I get my tasks
checked off every day. But theactual overall finishing the
film or going to a filmfestival, like those actual
moments, you don't get to havethem every day. You have them
every six months or five yearsif you're developing a film
(10:50):
project or I don't know, fiveyears if you're writing a
novel, those times when youreally feel like the work that
you did made the thing that youwanted in the world. And now it
has been received. And I thinkthat's where that idea that
the, the ego brain that wantsto protect you, that's gonna
say, I'm late, I'm late, I'mlate. Don't try anything 'cause
you're already late. So justgive up is really , um, trying
(11:13):
to protect you. Again, thebrain will always yell at you
to keep you safe becauseanything new feels like death
to your brain. It only knowshow to do what it's done
yesterday 'cause you stayedalive yesterday. So it doesn't
wanna try anything new today.
And our brains haven't evolvedto know that emotional
vulnerability is not physicalvulnerability. So it's gonna
feel like you're being chasedby a was it a saber tooth
(11:35):
tiger? You know, fromprehistoric times, even though
really the the fears, likeI've, I quote unquote misspent
my time making a film thatnobody ever saw, right? And on
the other side of that is thekind of divine inner wisdom of
faith, of believing. And andmaybe it's a calling, that's
how I think of it often. Like,just feeling like this thing
(11:56):
needs to be done. And I can'texplain it. I don't have
language for it. I don't havethe words for why it just feels
really important. And I get upevery day wanting to do it. And
I think what's actually hardabout that is my brain that
likes a task list that lives inExcel spreadsheet and to check
mark things doesn't entirelyknow how to translate that
feeling of there's something Iwant to express and there's
something I want to put on intothe world, into the task list
(12:20):
and I have to get better. Andthis is where I'm still
struggling, but I just wannashine a light on it because I
think, I imagine a lot ofpeople struggle with this. I'm
still struggling with how do I,how do I live in that middle?
How do I trust the faith andtrust that whatever work I'm
doing today is getting mecloser to that expression, to
(12:41):
those relationships, to thatreceiving of what I wanna
express in the world? Andthere's a lot of ways that a
lot of these things can bechipped away at. Um, I think
about this feeling, thispressure I live with, that I'm
late and honestly not just myacting career. I feel it
(13:01):
everywhere. Like I feel itabout being married, I feel it
about owning a home. I feel itabout, I just feel, I just feel
like I started behind whateverthe line is where they , um,
shoot the gun in the air. Thestarting line. words
have disappeared lately. I feellike I started behind the
starting line and everyonealready has figured out and
(13:23):
like met all of thesemilestones and I'm still doing
this other thing. And the truthis, I'm probably vagabonding my
way through this reallyexciting, juicy, creative life.
But from the outside, from mybrain that likes to check mark
stuff, I always feel like I'mlate. So I live with this
pressure all the time and Itend to think of, you know ,
(13:44):
um, habits are thoughts thatyou've thought a long time,
thoughts that feel incrediblytrue are thoughts that you've
just practiced. So it's reallyeasy for my brain to go back to
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late,especially when I'm feeling
vulnerable, especially when I'mfeeling stressed or tired,
which is often when you'redoing something really
creative, right? Your brainwill go back to what it knows
best. And I've been saying tomyself or believing for myself
(14:05):
that I'm late for so long thatit feels incredibly true and
it's hard for me to argue withit. And so I've just been
practicing a new phrase. Andthe thing about practicing new
thoughts is you don't want itto be so different from the
thought you have now that yourbrain's like, yeah, no , right?
It needs to be something that'sbelievable to you. And for me,
(14:27):
it's been, I have all the timethat I need and it just like
relaxes me. My shoulders godown. I have a sense of I'm
gonna get done whatever needsto get done today. I know that
I have this really greatorganized brain and it tends to
have a list of things and Ijust go through the stuff and
by the end of the day, I'vedone a ton of stuff. I can't
always explain it because itjust has its own , uh, inner
(14:50):
wisdom. But , um, that's beenreally helping me. And I think
as I'm talking here, I'mrealizing what I would like
more of. 'cause that sort oflike helps the logistic fear of
like, I'm late, there's X, y ,z that was supposed to get done
today. I didn't get it done.
But I haven't quite figured outhow to link this idea of a
faith in the thing that you arecalled to express and the thing
(15:11):
that you are called to find theright audience to receive it
for. To that idea of there's,there's things to do every day
, right? You can't just likemanifest it by sitting and
meditating all day. You stillhave to take actions and you
have to believe that even thoseactions don't lead you to the
right place. Uh, they willeventually lead you to the
(15:33):
right place, right ? That likewriting a novel or writing a
film script that no one eversees. I've read a lot of script
writers who their first 10scripts never get made, but
good God, their 11th script isreally sharp and really tight
and knows how to sell. And theyhad to go through all that
heartbreak and all of that timeagain, that word, all of that
(15:56):
time writing things that no onewas ever gonna see so that they
can make the thing that wasreally gonna reach people. And
I have a hard time with thestuff that to me feels like
scratch pad , right? The stuffthat you make that no one is
gonna see. 'cause if the wholegoal is to express and connect
(16:19):
and translate your point ofview for others, it can be
really daunting to make stuffand not know if it'll be
received and not know if it'llever be seen. And in fact,
trust that some of it is nevermeant to be seen. Whew , right
there. That's what upsets meabout time. So again, I don't
have an answer, but I do have ,um, this light that I wanna
(16:43):
shine on. If you're everfeeling or watching yourself
jump from project to project toproject, I would just offer to
get curious what are thestories you're telling yourself
when you sit down to do oneproject about that project?
Often it's again, our braintrying to protect us, telling
us over there is the betterproject over there is the thing
you should be doing. This isthe wrong thing. And the minute
(17:03):
you start that project, yourbrain goes, no, no, no , no.
Over there is the right placeback over there, right? It's
gonna just hopscotch the entiretime because again, keeping you
out of taking risk is how youstay safe. And it's very
sneaky. And so it can be hardto hear it sometimes and it
might just manifest as likepressure in your chest or
buzzing in your head, or asense of, you know,
(17:24):
uncomfortableness. Um,uncomfortableness is often a
sign that you're on the rightpath. And because you're doing
something new that your bodyand your energetic system
doesn't trust yet, it's gonnalike throw up all this
uncomfortableness to try to getyou to stop because it knows,
it believes that you are notsafe . And if you do find
yourself, like me being someonewho constantly feels late to
(17:47):
creating, to producing quoteunquote right, to putting
things out in the world to, tobeing seen, to connecting, to
being recognized for the workyou do do and create and, and
want to share with people whatis one easier thought? What is
one step away from what you'rethinking now? Not, not a
(18:09):
thought that tomorrow I will bediscovered, right ? That
doesn't sound real or true oruseful, or next year they'll
publish my novel. But maybeit's, you know, also simple
steps. Like I will find awriting group and I will send
them my first two chapters, orI will share my script with
(18:30):
this producer or submit it tothis festival of writing. And
that's one small step towardsbeing seen and connected. And I
think there's a lot of , um, Alot of fertile ground for
exploring what your specificideas about scarcity are. Like,
why do you feel the pressure?
What is the thing that you wantmost? If your project was seen,
(18:53):
if your project did connect, ifyou did have a huge audience,
how would you feel? What wouldthat give you? What is it that
you're seeking? And that'llhelp you scale back and see
where you already have it nowso you can keep taking steps
toward that bigger goal whilealso getting the validation,
the feedback, and theconfirmation that your work is
being received already as youare. I just gave myself a lot
(19:18):
to think about, which sounds soweird, but this was actually
incredibly productive for me.
So I'm gonna have to startshowing up with things I
haven't solved for myself,because I do think it's really
fascinating to live in themiddle place of faith. I am . I
don't have a religion that Iadhere to, but I'm always
jealous of people who believein God, who, whatever God looks
(19:40):
like, whether you're Christianor Muslim or Hindu or Jewish ,
uh, the idea that, that there'ssomething bigger than you
looking out for you and guidingyou and I I I'm jealous of
that, right? That is what faithis. It is believing in the
unseen and believing in theunknown and believing in where
you're headed. And I think art, I think living requires that.
(20:05):
And I think faith is a muscleyou practice, you decide every
day I'm gonna have faith, andthis is what faith looks like
to me today. Thank you forjoining me. You guys have a
wonderful week.
I am cracking up as I start this because if you
knew how precariously perchedeverything is right now, the
amount of empty Amazon boxes ,uh, that could tip over at any
moment , um, that are holdingup my laptop, my mic, and the
(00:20):
amount of set dressing thatgoes into this. I, I remember
thinking about this when I wasauditioning , um, during the
pandemic. It was a lot ofself-tapes at home, which, if
you're following the strike,you're probably hearing a lot
about this. That in-personauditions got shifted a lot to
at-home auditions. And therewere some really great benefits
to that and some realdrawbacks. And as we have come
out of the pandemic castingoffices haven't really returned
(00:43):
to , um, to in person . And thereason that one of many reasons
that the Actor's Union isstriking is because the casting
directors can request 200auditions for one role. And so
actors are spending a lot oftime at home memorizing lines,
putting themselves on camera,sending it in. And you used to
(01:04):
compete against maybe 20 peoplefor a role because that's all a
casting director could see in aday. You had to show up and,
you know, it was a whole thingtoo 'cause you had to show up
and wait and go in. But, butthere was more time and, and
they , um, there was a smallerpool. And so now they're
requesting so many auditionsthat actors are spending a lot
of time filming themselves athome for things that they
(01:25):
aren't really up for becausethere's just so much
competition. And there's thisreal question of being
compensated for that time. Thatactor spent a lot of time
memorizing lines, creating acharacter, putting themselves
on camera, figuring out how tomake it look good, figuring out
how to tell the story the bestthey can on camera in their
little corner of an apartment,asking friends to be their
(01:45):
readers , um, or hiring someoneto be their reader. And it's a
lot of time spent working onsomething creative and they're
not being compensated for it.
So it's , uh, not at all what Iwas gonna talk about. But I
remember in the beginning ofthe pandemic, when I was
auditioning at home and , uh,the amount of like boxes I had
(02:06):
all around me, just behind thecamera, which was a laptop,
right? Like my whole place. Iwould essentially take whatever
junk was in my closet, which iswhere I'd hidden like this ,
you know, I'm pretty organized,but there's definitely a junk
closet section and move it tobehind the camera. And I was
just surrounded by stuff andlike, turn off the ac so the
sound was good, turn on thelight. So I looked good. But
(02:27):
then you were gonna melt underthe, under the heat of the lamp
'cause you can't have the AC onfor the sound. Like, I always
love it when people think thatbeing an actor is so glamorous.
'cause it's pretty much theopposite. You're always in some
weird cramped corner with fourpeople staring at you. One's
holding a boom mic over yourhead, one's up in your face
with something else. You gottakill the sound, which means you
(02:48):
gotta turn off their fridge.
And anything that buzzes the acso everyone's melting,
especially in the summertime.
And , uh, and it's the mostbizarro thing. I love it. But
anyway, I had this podcastingset up as a nomad , uh,
lifestyle. I don't always, Ikind of make it up on the fly
every time I get into a newAirbnb. And this time I played
(03:09):
a lot with boxes that hopefullywill stay upright and not break
all my things. Okay, tangentaside , um, I actually really
want to talk to you guys thisweek about something I
experienced really, reallydeeply. And I'm starting to
really take concrete steps towork on. And that for me is
time scarcity. This idea thatthere's never enough time that
(03:34):
I'm, I'm late, I'm late. I'mlike that, what is it in Alison
Wonderland? I think it's theMad Hatter, or it's the little
rabbit who's like, I'm late,I'm late, I'm late. I feel like
that I'm just, I'm late all thetime. No matter how much I get
done. I wake up late. I feellike I'm late for my life. I
feel like I'm missed gettingdiscovered, quote unquote as an
actor. I feel like I missedgetting married. I feel like
(03:56):
there are all these markers,you know, especially as actors,
especially as female actors, weget told when you're 35, it's
over. There's no more rules foryou. That's changing a lot. But
that's been this idea foractors for a long time. Um, I
feel like a lot of women feelpressure to get married by 30
to start having kids. Um, Idon't know the men's pressures
(04:17):
as well, but I'm sure there'slike to make a million dollars
, uh, to make the 30 under 30list. That's also for women
too. There's, you know, workambitions. But I imagine for
men, again, traditional thingsthat were being taught that
don't necessarily apply, butthat are in the ether. I think
for men it would probably be,you know, have , uh, ability to
provide for a family, right?
(04:37):
And , uh, maybe that's a homeor that's a really steady job
and a 4 0 1 k and stuff likethat. None of these are bad
things to have. It's just thesense that there is a timeline
that you are not sticking to.
And I think especially asartists, it can feel like there
is a ticking clock to beingdiscovered. Um, and to having
your moment. I know , um, I'msure it is for like, I'm
(05:00):
thinking painting or novelists.
I feel like novelists you couldprobably come later at life and
there's so many great novelistswho , uh, spend their whole
lives having a career as apsychologist or, you know,
something else and then write aphenomenal book , um, in their
sixties. So maybe that's alittle bit different. But I,
yeah, there's definitely thistime pressure. And even if it's
not external, this idea ofbeing quote unquote discovered,
(05:22):
I have an internal pressure andI find that I do this to myself
a lot when I get an idea for aproject and I get really
excited about it. And when Istart taking steps toward it,
almost immediately my braingoes, but that'll take too long
and you should be doing thisother thing. And I end up
jumping from project toproject, always being afraid
that the one that I want to dowill take too long. And it
(05:46):
means missing out on otherthings that I quote unquote
should be doing in order toadvance myself into wherever I
wanna go next in my career. Andso the net sum of that is I
don't do the things. Um, and Ithink that's true of anything.
You know, developing a filmtakes a really long time.
Finishing a script takes a longtime. Finishing a novel takes a
really long time. And choosinga project means saying no to
(06:10):
other opportunities. And it'snot a bad thing. But when you
live with a sense that you arealready behind on having made
the amount of films you wantedto make, or had the Oscar, you
know, nominated a performancethat you're dreaming of or
gotten into XY gallery, that isyour goal. Um, and I think
(06:31):
again, you know , I, I have,I've been sick for a long time.
I don't love the word chronicillness, but that's probably
the best term for it. And so Ido think I also have this idea
of like, I kind of , not that Imissed out on my twenties, but
I spent a lot of time going todoctors and figuring out how to
pay my bills and get a steadyjob with health insurance,
which a lot of people in theirtwenties do. Um, but I , in my
head, there's always this ideathat like, had I been able to
(06:53):
live off of ramen noodles and ahundred bucks a week and done
community theater out in theboondocks, then I would be a
real actor. You know, the theidea of having time to
sacrifice yourself for thecareer that you want, and
there's truth to that. There isa real doggedness that any kind
of career , um, I think of anartist career like a , a
(07:15):
startup company, it justrequires kind of blind passion
and devotion in the beginningbecause you are the only one
who sees that it's possible.
And it's your job to go out andconvince a whole ton of other
people that it's possible. Andyour faith alone is pretty much
what gets people believing inthe vision that you have for
your career. It took me a longtime to really realize that and
that I had this responsibilityto see for myself where I wanna
(07:39):
go. And in that seeing it andknowing it and deepen my bones,
it would help me really. Um ,you just speak to people
differently. You approach 'emdifferently when you trust in
yourself, who it is that youwant to be as an artist,
something I'm still working on.
But I'm starting to understandbetter how that works. And so
there is something about, youknow, people who, again, actors
(08:00):
quote unquote becomingovernight sensations have often
put in 10 years of their livesof auditioning, of not getting
the role of doing small partsof uh , you know, even big
moments that feel like the bigmoment and then nothing happens
after. It's so you have to beable to keep coming back and,
you know, deciding that thereis something that you believe
(08:20):
in strongly enough. JK Rowlingstalks about this with Harry
Potter. She got, was it ahundred rejection letters? I
don't remember the name, thenumber 'cause it's been a long
time since I read that. But shekept submitting it and everyone
told her Harry Potter as anovel was, I don't think they
use the word terrible. Ihonestly don't remember what
they said, but everyone waslike, this will never go. And
(08:41):
it's probably the biggest novelof all time again, I dunno ,
the stats, but given how globalof a phenomenon it became, she
was the one who kept believing.
And at the time she was awaitress. She was a single mom
working a not great paying job,writing this book and
submitting it over and over andover again and being told over
(09:01):
and over again. No, and I thinkthis feeds into that time
scarcity thing, this panic thatI have about, I haven't done
the right thing yet. I stillhave to do the right thing that
will lead to the, you know,I've gotta do the audition that
will lead to the film. Or I'vegotta premiere this festival so
(09:23):
I can meet this filmmaker and a, I don't even know which
filmmaker I'm, I mean, there'sa list of people I want to meet
and collaborate with, but youcan't predict who's gonna be at
that film festival or thatgallery opening or which editor
is gonna read your book, right?
So it's not like I can, I liketo think I can control all the
things and my brain is alwaystrying to control seven steps
ahead of me. But the realityis, it comes from this faith in
(09:44):
whatever project you do, you'regonna learn a ton from, you're
gonna be able to expressyourself. You're gonna be able
to show and sharpen yourtalents and your craft and your
skills. And from that, you willthen meet the next collaborator
that will be ready for the nextproject. And you're gonna keep
evolving and clarifying what itis that you have to say in the
world and how you manage to sayit and communicate it and
(10:06):
clarifying the kind of peoplethat you wanna work with and
the kind of projects you wannamake together. So I know all of
this in my brainintellectually, but I still
wake up constantly with thisidea of I'm late, I'm late, I'm
late. And I think part of it isthis idea that in acting in any
(10:28):
big creative project, there'sno, there's a long to-do list
and I'm very good at to-dolists and I get my tasks
checked off every day. But theactual overall finishing the
film or going to a filmfestival, like those actual
moments, you don't get to havethem every day. You have them
every six months or five yearsif you're developing a film
(10:50):
project or I don't know, fiveyears if you're writing a
novel, those times when youreally feel like the work that
you did made the thing that youwanted in the world. And now it
has been received. And I thinkthat's where that idea that
the, the ego brain that wantsto protect you, that's gonna
say, I'm late, I'm late, I'mlate. Don't try anything 'cause
you're already late. So justgive up is really , um, trying
(11:13):
to protect you. Again, thebrain will always yell at you
to keep you safe becauseanything new feels like death
to your brain. It only knowshow to do what it's done
yesterday 'cause you stayedalive yesterday. So it doesn't
wanna try anything new today.
And our brains haven't evolvedto know that emotional
vulnerability is not physicalvulnerability. So it's gonna
feel like you're being chasedby a was it a saber tooth
(11:35):
tiger? You know, fromprehistoric times, even though
really the the fears, likeI've, I quote unquote misspent
my time making a film thatnobody ever saw, right? And on
the other side of that is thekind of divine inner wisdom of
faith, of believing. And andmaybe it's a calling, that's
how I think of it often. Like,just feeling like this thing
(11:56):
needs to be done. And I can'texplain it. I don't have
language for it. I don't havethe words for why it just feels
really important. And I get upevery day wanting to do it. And
I think what's actually hardabout that is my brain that
likes a task list that lives inExcel spreadsheet and to check
mark things doesn't entirelyknow how to translate that
feeling of there's something Iwant to express and there's
something I want to put on intothe world, into the task list
(12:20):
and I have to get better. Andthis is where I'm still
struggling, but I just wannashine a light on it because I
think, I imagine a lot ofpeople struggle with this. I'm
still struggling with how do I,how do I live in that middle?
How do I trust the faith andtrust that whatever work I'm
doing today is getting mecloser to that expression, to
(12:41):
those relationships, to thatreceiving of what I wanna
express in the world? Andthere's a lot of ways that a
lot of these things can bechipped away at. Um, I think
about this feeling, thispressure I live with, that I'm
late and honestly not just myacting career. I feel it
(13:01):
everywhere. Like I feel itabout being married, I feel it
about owning a home. I feel itabout, I just feel, I just feel
like I started behind whateverthe line is where they , um,
shoot the gun in the air. Thestarting line.
have disappeared lately. I feellike I started behind the
starting line and everyonealready has figured out and
(13:23):
like met all of thesemilestones and I'm still doing
this other thing. And the truthis, I'm probably vagabonding my
way through this reallyexciting, juicy, creative life.
But from the outside, from mybrain that likes to check mark
stuff, I always feel like I'mlate. So I live with this
pressure all the time and Itend to think of, you know ,
(13:44):
um, habits are thoughts thatyou've thought a long time,
thoughts that feel incrediblytrue are thoughts that you've
just practiced. So it's reallyeasy for my brain to go back to
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late,especially when I'm feeling
vulnerable, especially when I'mfeeling stressed or tired,
which is often when you'redoing something really
creative, right? Your brainwill go back to what it knows
best. And I've been saying tomyself or believing for myself
(14:05):
that I'm late for so long thatit feels incredibly true and
it's hard for me to argue withit. And so I've just been
practicing a new phrase. Andthe thing about practicing new
thoughts is you don't want itto be so different from the
thought you have now that yourbrain's like, yeah, no , right?
It needs to be something that'sbelievable to you. And for me,
(14:27):
it's been, I have all the timethat I need and it just like
relaxes me. My shoulders godown. I have a sense of I'm
gonna get done whatever needsto get done today. I know that
I have this really greatorganized brain and it tends to
have a list of things and Ijust go through the stuff and
by the end of the day, I'vedone a ton of stuff. I can't
always explain it because itjust has its own , uh, inner
(14:50):
wisdom. But , um, that's beenreally helping me. And I think
as I'm talking here, I'mrealizing what I would like
more of. 'cause that sort oflike helps the logistic fear of
like, I'm late, there's X, y ,z that was supposed to get done
today. I didn't get it done.
But I haven't quite figured outhow to link this idea of a
faith in the thing that you arecalled to express and the thing
(15:11):
that you are called to find theright audience to receive it
for. To that idea of there's,there's things to do every day
, right? You can't just likemanifest it by sitting and
meditating all day. You stillhave to take actions and you
have to believe that even thoseactions don't lead you to the
right place. Uh, they willeventually lead you to the
(15:33):
right place, right ? That likewriting a novel or writing a
film script that no one eversees. I've read a lot of script
writers who their first 10scripts never get made, but
good God, their 11th script isreally sharp and really tight
and knows how to sell. And theyhad to go through all that
heartbreak and all of that timeagain, that word, all of that
(15:56):
time writing things that no onewas ever gonna see so that they
can make the thing that wasreally gonna reach people. And
I have a hard time with thestuff that to me feels like
scratch pad , right? The stuffthat you make that no one is
gonna see. 'cause if the wholegoal is to express and connect
(16:19):
and translate your point ofview for others, it can be
really daunting to make stuffand not know if it'll be
received and not know if it'llever be seen. And in fact,
trust that some of it is nevermeant to be seen. Whew , right
there. That's what upsets meabout time. So again, I don't
have an answer, but I do have ,um, this light that I wanna
(16:43):
shine on. If you're everfeeling or watching yourself
jump from project to project toproject, I would just offer to
get curious what are thestories you're telling yourself
when you sit down to do oneproject about that project?
Often it's again, our braintrying to protect us, telling
us over there is the betterproject over there is the thing
you should be doing. This isthe wrong thing. And the minute
(17:03):
you start that project, yourbrain goes, no, no, no , no.
Over there is the right placeback over there, right? It's
gonna just hopscotch the entiretime because again, keeping you
out of taking risk is how youstay safe. And it's very
sneaky. And so it can be hardto hear it sometimes and it
might just manifest as likepressure in your chest or
buzzing in your head, or asense of, you know,
(17:24):
uncomfortableness. Um,uncomfortableness is often a
sign that you're on the rightpath. And because you're doing
something new that your bodyand your energetic system
doesn't trust yet, it's gonnalike throw up all this
uncomfortableness to try to getyou to stop because it knows,
it believes that you are notsafe . And if you do find
yourself, like me being someonewho constantly feels late to
(17:47):
creating, to producing quoteunquote right, to putting
things out in the world to, tobeing seen, to connecting, to
being recognized for the workyou do do and create and, and
want to share with people whatis one easier thought? What is
one step away from what you'rethinking now? Not, not a
(18:09):
thought that tomorrow I will bediscovered, right ? That
doesn't sound real or true oruseful, or next year they'll
publish my novel. But maybeit's, you know, also simple
steps. Like I will find awriting group and I will send
them my first two chapters, orI will share my script with
(18:30):
this producer or submit it tothis festival of writing. And
that's one small step towardsbeing seen and connected. And I
think there's a lot of , um, Alot of fertile ground for
exploring what your specificideas about scarcity are. Like,
why do you feel the pressure?
What is the thing that you wantmost? If your project was seen,
(18:53):
if your project did connect, ifyou did have a huge audience,
how would you feel? What wouldthat give you? What is it that
you're seeking? And that'llhelp you scale back and see
where you already have it nowso you can keep taking steps
toward that bigger goal whilealso getting the validation,
the feedback, and theconfirmation that your work is
being received already as youare. I just gave myself a lot
(19:18):
to think about, which sounds soweird, but this was actually
incredibly productive for me.
So I'm gonna have to startshowing up with things I
haven't solved for myself,because I do think it's really
fascinating to live in themiddle place of faith. I am . I
don't have a religion that Iadhere to, but I'm always
jealous of people who believein God, who, whatever God looks
(19:40):
like, whether you're Christianor Muslim or Hindu or Jewish ,
uh, the idea that, that there'ssomething bigger than you
looking out for you and guidingyou and I I I'm jealous of
that, right? That is what faithis. It is believing in the
unseen and believing in theunknown and believing in where
you're headed. And I think art, I think living requires that.
(20:05):
And I think faith is a muscleyou practice, you decide every
day I'm gonna have faith, andthis is what faith looks like
to me today. Thank you forjoining me. You guys have a
wonderful week.
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