Beards On The Street - Episode 112… Live in studio with Thomas Dockstader - Beards on the Street

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:20):
Hey, hey, hey people, it's Friday, easter weekend.
Welcome to Beards on the Street.
I'm Perry Dean Ward, we got MrThomas over there and Mr A-A-A
Ron Morning.
You know I always add differentA's in yours.
Like I get going so fast, I addlike five A's, I believe it.

(00:41):
You go fast.
No Right, it's not fast, dude.
You go fast.
No Right, it's not fast, dude,it's with purpose.
Yeah, come on.
Did you see, I think, bouncingthem back and forth?
We're not live, that's okay,we'll go live.
Maybe it's my fault.

(01:02):
Wow, weird, that's my fault.
Wow, weird, that's so weird.
Dude this guy.
He and electronics do not workat all.
You haven't seen the cluster wehave with me and the calendar.

(01:23):
I was just going to say he justtries to set up a calendar
invite and send it out and it isabsolutely muddled, for lack of
a better word.
I didn't tell you this, but Idid it with our appointment
yesterday with Gary, or two daysago with Gary, and did you mess
it up?
And he sent me the softreminder of hey, wrong day.

(01:48):
And then well, it's funnybecause we got off the phone.
Why is it so hard for you?
You walked in my office the dayI did it.
You walked in my office and assoon as I was inputting it, you
started talking to me.
Oh so it's my fault, this onewas.
And then, squirrel, as I wasinputting it, I you started

(02:08):
talking to me.
Oh so it's my fault, this onewas.
And then squirrel, no, I knowmy, my attention span, so I did
it that he and then I had totext him back and forth and then
I sent it to him.
It was wrong.
And then he, and then he sentback this nice he's, he's, he is
like one of the pillars in ourreal estate community.
I mean, been an agent for 40plus years, right, Really stud
of a dude, like influence in ourindustry.

(02:30):
Yeah, and his little responseto me was what was it?
It was basically to the pointof keep it tight to impress, or
something like that Are youchallenged?
It was kind of like, hey way toimpress me, kind of a deal.
It was nice the way he said it,but it was just it was teasing

(02:51):
me.
I have the faith in you, aaron.
I think that you're.

Speaker 3 (02:55):
I think you're going to get it down one of these days
.

Speaker 1 (02:57):
I will figure it out.
It's really.
I mean, you've got the date,you've got the time and location
, you've got the date, you'vegot the time and location,
you've got the location andwho's coming and you've got the
invites.
So maybe make yourself a littlelist and a little checkbox type
list, right, right, it seems tobe the date that I'm having a
hard time with.

(03:18):
All right, so here we areanother week.
We're a freak.
We're already more than halfwaythrough April already.
Time is flying.
We're already through firstquarter.
First quarter, yeah.

Speaker 3 (03:31):
We're in second quarter already.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
A blink and it's over .
It's insane.
Anyways should we handle justhousekeeping type stuff real
fast?
So we can get in with this cat.
Yeah, get into the funconversation.
So I picked up another listing.
It's actually a sell-by, sohappy about that.

(03:52):
I got to be there for that,yeah wasn't that fun.
Yeah, they were great, cutestlittle freaking.
It's some really good friendsof mine, it's her dad and mom
and I swear to you, dude, thisdude's five feet tall, wow, and
just Ex-military.
Diamante is his last name, soItalian, big time right, and

(04:13):
he's ex-military.
He's an ex-retired highwaypatrolman, oh wow.
He retired from the military,then he retired from highway
patrol and then from somethingelse and then from the water
district or something.
He's had three full careers andnow he's going on 20 years
working at a golf course.
This dude is amazing,sweetheart guy too, so nice

(04:37):
Anyways.
Yeah, picked up that If hepulled me over, I'd probably
take the gun away from him.
I'd like to see you try, bro.
That guy would whoop your ass.
He'd just punch you right inyour balls.
Dude, I'd just lay on him Right, if I could get to him right,
right, yeah, no, no, nicest guy,I guarantee you.

(04:58):
That guy never had.
In my opinion, we'll have toask him if he ever had any
confrontation ever in his career.
I'll bet he didn't, becausehe's just one of those guys that
you just immediately respect.
You know what I mean.
Doesn't talk down to you, niceas can be, doing his job,
guaranteed.
He was that guy.
He shows up with that respectas well.

(05:19):
Did I ever tell you, I sued aUtah Highway Patrolman.
Actually, I sued the state ofUtah Successfully.
Yeah, actually, I sued thestate of Utah Successfully.
Yes, is his mic on?
Yeah, the sumbitch attacked me.
Is his mic on?
Check, check.
Yeah, okay all right, yeah justget your face in it, dude, all
right.

Speaker 3 (05:34):
Get my face right in it, finny, no.

Speaker 1 (05:47):
So, anyways, had a killer week as far as VIP 50.
Uh had an amazing meetingyesterday with uh a couple of
cats with a couple of cats, um,you know, we're uh, uh there's
an owner's meeting that we'regoing to partake in in uh next
Tuesday, uh to to talk about ourVIP 50 and train it's it's
about a thousand agents Over thefull brokerage.

Speaker 3 (06:02):
The full brokerage, the full brokerage, yeah, over
the state of Utah.
Different owners, but samebrand.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
Wow, yeah, it's really cool.
Had an amazing meeting with aguy that I met not too long ago.
I did a deal with him ScottEames, with Rill and really I
mean we talked probably five orsix times after.
It was really cool Because hekept going Like he's so freaking
, he's so tell you a little bitabout Scott, this guy.

(06:30):
I mean he's a stud dude andbeen an agent for quite some
years and before he was an agenthe was in car sales and very,
very, very successful he and hisbrother and actually trained
other car salesmen how to dotheir job and do it right, the
psychology of the cell, likejust you know yeah really cool

(06:51):
stuff.
But last year he kind of got hislegs kicked out from under him.
He had like five or six peopleclose people in his family and
friends that all passed away.
One of them was his brotherthat took his own life and and
it, it, it knocked him down.
It staggered him for sure, likehard, and anyways, I thought it

(07:12):
was really cool.
Dude, I didn't share this withyou, but he called me up after
and he's like you know what,dean, he's like you know what's
been going on in my life.
You know that that it's it's.
It's been a struggle.
And when I walked out of ourmeeting yesterday I had that
burning thing.
I was in the car for that.
I haven't had a fire that I canrecognize in a long time and I

(07:36):
do right now.
Thank you, yeah.
Yeah, he's got it so prettyamazing.
So anyways, yeah, good week allthe way around, man, I'm
excited where thoserelationships are going to go oh
my gosh dude, we have so muchcool stuff.
We also pulled the trigger onour national campaign for going
national through the VIP.

(07:56):
So we're basically doing forlack of a better word, do you
know what ClickFunnel is?
Have you heard of that?
Absolutely.
So we're doing a ClickFunnelcampaign nationwide to bring on
agents to participate in the VIP50 and let us train them and
then coach them through oursystem Very cool, which our
system?
I don't know if Aaron's toldyou about it.

(08:17):
It's all about focusing on yourrelationships and your people 50
of them in your realm or inyour sphere and actually really,
really, really showing up forpeople and and and leaning in
and really paying attention.
Um, and the by-product is is youhave an amazing, amazing group

(08:38):
of friends and relationships anda community that you're the
mayor of, that that you're.
Basically you're the one that'sbringing this joy to everybody.
Cause, I mean, you face it andI'm sure that, just based on the
title of your book and I justmet you just a few minutes ago
but based on the title of yourbook, I guarantee you this is,
this is your woo woo spot, foryou know, serving others and

(09:00):
being present and being beingpaying attention to what's
actually going on around you andactually giving a shit?
Yeah, absolutely.
We're in an industry where alot of agents they stake claim
to family and relationships andthose kind of things and we
teach how to get in true flowand alignment with your

(09:20):
friendships and relationships,to where it naturally comes up
and it's an opportunity.
It's not just as soon as I hearyou're going to buy a house.

Speaker 3 (09:28):
It's like you're on them like a dirty car salesman.
Single threaded relationshipright.

Speaker 1 (09:35):
Right.

Speaker 3 (09:35):
And then, once I'm done, I'm done with you.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
And it's never hear from you again, because you have
nothing to offer to them.

Speaker 3 (09:41):
Yeah, they, in other words does that sound familiar
at all?

Speaker 1 (09:44):
I understand that words, you get it.
And then the by-product of thatof of actually, I mean it's fun
, dude, it's it's.
I mean, we all love our friends, we love hanging out, we love
doing fun shit, we love goingout, we love, you know, meeting
up with a buddy and catching upand having a beer, and and
that's all fun, fun, fun stuff,and that's our daily freaking

(10:04):
grind, so to say and it's not agrind, it's freaking amazing.
And the side product of that isyou turn these people into
freaking.
They'll go out of their way tohelp you get business Out of
their way.
The real healing, though, is thedeep and meaningful
relationships that you fosterwith the people.

(10:24):
You're back in relationshipwith your brother and sister,
you're back in relationship withthe people you say that matter
to you, and you're actually thatconnection.
That happens.
That's the real value andbyproduct of the biz.
Yeah, it's really cool.
So, anyways, we pulled thetrigger and hired a firm to
guide us through the process ofbuilding the ClickFunnel and the

(10:45):
ads and all that stuff to toguide us through the process of
building the click funnel andthe ads and all that stuff to
really get it out there, Cause,I mean, dude, we want to change
people's lives, man, I mean forthe better, and and I mean
really, really, really make adifference.
So it's kind of cool.

Speaker 3 (10:58):
Well, now's the time to do it.
It is sure there's lots offolks out there that are looking
for outside-the-box ways tocreate.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yeah because it's a tough market.

Speaker 3 (11:06):
It's really tough right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (11:07):
Yeah, so Good time to do it.
Yep, let me remind everybodythose of you watching, talk to
us, man, send us, chat with usthrough the Facebook feed.
So the way this works.
So it's on my page, we're liveas, so it's on my face, as live
on his as well, and then itlater, through the system, gets
dumped into YouTube.

(11:28):
It goes into all the different.
Oh my gosh, we're idiots, dude,I know, but why, what do I know
?
From now on, we need to havethem put us live on their
freaking Facebook.
It takes two seconds to set itup, to put them them live, so
it's feeding out to their people.

(11:48):
Would you have enjoyed that?

Speaker 3 (11:49):
Yeah, because I have 18,000 TikTok followers, so you
could go live on TikTok.

Speaker 1 (11:54):
Oh my hell dude, we've got to get our shit
together.

Speaker 3 (11:58):
That's actually a really smart idea.
Yes, it is.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
We are running like 8,000 miles an hour Okay we're
going to shut this off.
We're going to turn on him.
We're going to turn on him.
Give us 10 minutes and we'll beright back.
This is a good segue I want tohear about.
So how okay, I've been going tothe gym.
I've been a member there since06, lifetime Me too, 06.

(12:20):
Okay, really Well, I juststarted noticing him about two
years ago.
Weird, and it's like I paidattention to this guy, okay, and
he works out, keeps to himself,he's there for a purpose.
When I went up and approachedhim, it was interesting.

(12:41):
You have a lot of your ownstuff that comes up when you're
going to interact with people.
So every little impression Igave of of what I thought, how I
thought he was, it wasn't abouthim, it was about me.
Right, like the, the storiesyou tell, the, the interactions,
what you think, who you think,who you make him up to be.

(13:02):
Also, your false beliefs yes,or whatever your projections are
, or your false projections yes,and I didn't have.
It was interesting.
You seem to do that on a kindof a regular basis.
We all do.

Speaker 3 (13:17):
We do.
You're actually talking aboutsomething that we all do from.
The brain works this way If Isee someone, it will
automatically make a full circleof who that person is
Automatically.
We contextualize I may onlyhave a 0.0% understanding just
what you look like.
I just immediately make it up,right, then you talk and then

(13:38):
I'm like, oh, that changes thatmuch, yep.
Then you tell me a story oh,that changes that much.
Oh, you're married.
Oh, that changes that much.
Yep, then when you tell me astory, oh, that changes that
much.
Oh, you're married.
Oh, I see your wife.
Then we're building a fullercircle, right?
But we all make those snaps, ofcourse we do.
Of what someone looks like.
Is we okay?
We're using past experience todetermine who this person is.

Speaker 1 (13:58):
Right, you know what else we're reading?
A book that's's, um, what's itcalled?
Charisma myth yeah, thecharisma myth, and it's a killer
book.
And it talks about, like,literally in that first
millisecond, when you're, whenyou are talking with somebody,
you, in literally that fast,you're reading what's going on

(14:20):
in in them, through their eyes,through their facial facial
expressions, through how theyhold themselves.
It's like that and you knowit's crazy.
I walked up he was, it was legday.
I walked up and asked him howmany more sets he had on the
extension, and then I kind ofwent and did a movement, and
then you let me know when it wasavailable.

(14:40):
And so I went and did thatmovement and then I was walking
out, he was coming out of thebathroom and I'm like, hey, and
I approached him.
Good, well, he's been, he'smade an impression for two years
and I want to engage that.
So you approached him and didthis when, about a month ago
probably Wow, but it took youthat long, fun to find out he

(15:04):
and I are in total alignment.
We're in total alignment with abunch of stuff.
Actually, let me introduce you,thomas.
The correct way, so, thomas, isI'm bringing up on our screen
your book.
So your book's up there now.
The cheat code huh, he wrote abook called the Cheat Code and I
don't know this other one withyour zeros and ones.

(15:26):
I'll throw that up there withthe leaf thing.

Speaker 3 (15:29):
It's the same logo.

Speaker 1 (15:31):
It's the same logo.

Speaker 3 (15:32):
Same logo from the book.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Got it, okay, perfect , so you wrote this book.
So talk to us about this book,tell us a little bit about you
and what your journey was towriting a book.
Yeah, what your journey was towriting a book.

Speaker 3 (15:43):
Yeah, so I think I've lived five lifetimes in this
lifetime.
I was raised in the FLDS oh wow, the polygamous cult.
Right, warren Jeffs was myprincipal.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
Like down in Colorado City.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
Yeah, the leader that is now in prison, serving two
life sentences.

Speaker 3 (16:07):
Warren Jeffs he was originally his father was the
prophet and we actually lived uphere in this area and he had a
compound up Little CottonwoodCanyon and that was where our
school was.

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Is it right by Lakai?
The one right by Lakai?
Do you know what I'm talkingabout?
It's not there anymore.
The perimeter fence is stillthere.

Speaker 3 (16:24):
On Warren's house only I don't know if he still
owns it.

Speaker 1 (16:26):
I don't understand that but now whereby lakai north
, south, as you're 90 two littlecottonwood there's there, there
uh, top of the hill abovethere's a big, huge um, probably
13 acres.

Speaker 3 (16:38):
That was walled off, and this was when I was in it
was only a wall.

Speaker 1 (16:41):
This high huh, I know where you're talking, but I'm
anyways.
Anyhow, that was a bunch 80sand it was only a wall this high
.
Huh, concrete, I know whereyou're talking, but I'm anyways.
Anyhow that was our Bunch ofhouses on it.

Speaker 3 (16:49):
That was our school that we went to, so I went to
school there and it waschurch-led school.
So even from first grade on Iwas getting like three hours
roughly of church historyindoctrination, whatever you
want to call it, as far as theylooked at it, flds Right.
Yeah, so way, way more slantedtowards the original Joseph

(17:11):
Smith beliefs polygamy my dadwas a polygamist.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
We were both.
Well, yeah, they wanted toslant it towards what they were
participating in, so that theymade it okay.

Speaker 3 (17:21):
Sure, but it was based off of what Joseph
originally taught, right, okay?
It okay sure but it was basedoff of what joseph originally
taught.
Right, okay, they, they stuckto that.
But then they they just likethe church and manipulated it
and added things right.
So I was a part of that no, I,the church doesn't do that yeah

(17:41):
let's not open up that hole.
My mom's gonna pull my ear andkick me in the ass but um, went
through a lot of stuff let'sjust put it that way and um,
some traumatic things, but inthe time I didn't really relate
what I was going through astraumatic.

(18:02):
Okay, right, it was.
I in my mind I related to as apretty good childhood.
People would look weird at us,but whatever, they didn't know
me, all right.
Well, when I turned 18, I uhwas like I don't want to do this
.
I'm leaving the church.
Leaving the church meansleaving your family, leaving
your yeah, they, they, they.

Speaker 1 (18:18):
What's it called?

Speaker 3 (18:19):
Excommunication yeah, you're, you're out, out and and
they can't like for the mostpart of the people in the church
.
So all the kids I grew up withmy friends, it was just a hard
chop done done.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
You're cut off from all of I watched a special about
and and and I don't mean tointerrupt you, but it's about
they called them the lost boysyeah, that's who I was.

Speaker 3 (18:38):
Yeah, but I was one of the first before they named
them lost boys.
So, um, but to that point Ididn't get pushed out.
I decided to leave on my ownand I was 18 and I was doing
construction since I was 14, soI had good experience and heavy
equipment operating and stuff,so I was able to go get a job
really easy, um, but whathappens is because you're so

(19:01):
indoctrinated and you're soprotected, we weren't allowed to
date.
I didn't even talk to girls.

Speaker 1 (19:09):
Well, you were competition to the old bastards.

Speaker 3 (19:11):
Well, kind of.
But in that particular religionthe prophet was the only one
that could tell someone who theycould marry.
A man couldn't just go out andfind a wife, Right?
The prophet had to tell him.
But they couldn't even ask.
The prophet assigned it, so itwas all about obedience.
So you could.
If you had more wives, thatmeans you were holier Right.

(19:31):
So it was like a reward, a goldstar, Right.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
Perspective Right.
So um in leaving because wewere in so so if you were
kissing the ass of the prophet,well enough, then you got more
wives Donating lots of money.

Speaker 3 (19:43):
Right, well, there's that too, that was a very close
correlation to who was runningthe church.

Speaker 1 (19:47):
Of course.

Speaker 3 (19:50):
And so what happened was I was so naive that when I
came into the world, when I left, in my subconscious I believed
oh, I'm going to hell Becausethat's what I was told, right,
no, I get that.
A lot of LDS people I, becausethat's what I was told when I
was a little kid, right?

Speaker 1 (20:04):
No, I get that A lot of LDS people.

Speaker 3 (20:05):
I was raised strict, strong LDS.

Speaker 1 (20:06):
Yeah, If you leave it doesn't leave, right, it's
baked into you, right, right.

Speaker 3 (20:10):
And so I did what I call the pendulum effect.
I went from really over herewhen I left.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
To the other side.

Speaker 3 (20:17):
Drugs, alcohol, sex to hell.
So why?
Why does it matter?
Off a cliff Right Like?

Speaker 1 (20:20):
literally Right.

Speaker 3 (20:28):
And and the re, and the reason that that is so true
is, like a lot of these boysthat left, um, I know dozens of
people who've committed suicide,dozens, wow.
Because what happens is youleave and you dive deep into
this.
You think, oh, I'm not in thischurch.
So you leave and you dive deepinto this.
You think, oh, I'm not in thischurch, so I'm supposed to be
doing drugs, I'm supposed to be.
You don't realize that there'sa middle Right, there's a happy

(20:50):
place.

Speaker 1 (20:51):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
And that you're not supposed to be destroying your
life.
And so I got married reallysoon.
I was drinking immediately Igot divorced.
My dad died.
I got married again by the timeI was 24,.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
I was married twice.
I joined the.

Speaker 3 (21:07):
LDS church, because I was lost and I thought well,
maybe this is right.

Speaker 1 (21:11):
This is the answer.

Speaker 3 (21:12):
Got married in the temple.
Six months into being marriedto that girl, they found out her
parents found out that we wentto Chili's on a Sunday and they
freaked out.
She had to go stay with them.
She wouldn't come back backhome.
I ended up getting divorcedfrom her only six months in.
She ended up moving in with meand leaving her parents and
leaving the church.
Then we ended up breaking upand all this time my alcoholism

(21:33):
is just like slow worse andworse slowly creeping up.
I get into sales.
I'm high pressure, sales jobs,right, I'm doing well in sales,
but my alcoholism is continuingto climb.
I end up meeting a girl at work, getting her pregnant, getting
married to her.
Some bad stuff happened intothe infidelity, this, that, uh

(21:54):
when and we ended up gettingdivorced.
When my son was six months old,I took 50 custody of him.
But after divorce thealcoholism got really bad.
I was drinking gallons of vodkaper week like couldn't function
without it.
I would wake up shaking, Iwould have to drink.

(22:15):
I'm telling you like, on theweekends and my weekend started
on Thursday On the weekends Iwould wake up and take six shots
right in a row Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, wow.
And then I would drink all day.
I would have a water.
On the weekends, I would wakeup and take six shots right in a
row boom, boom, boom, boom, wow.
And then I would drink all day.
I would have a water bottlefull of vodka.
I would drink all just straightvodka all the time and I wasn't
eating and I'm just drinking,drinking, drinking all the time
driving around you name it, anda lot of people.

(22:38):
I was like high functioning,because a lot of people couldn't
tell that I was drunk, you'rewere just functioning with it.

Speaker 1 (22:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:43):
But of course, what?
What comes with that is likethe hangovers would be so wicked
.
I'd be like I have to drink.

Speaker 1 (22:50):
Yeah, Cause I mean you poisoned your body to the
point that that you were introuble.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (22:56):
Wow.
So what ended up happening waswhen I was about 34, I was so.

Speaker 1 (23:03):
it was so bad 1834, it was so bad.
So you're talking almost eightyears, eight years of 18 to 33.
I'm talking about this periodwhere you were like really,
really, really.

Speaker 3 (23:18):
Really high, like high level alcoholism was about
four or five years.
Yeah, like in extreme levels,to the point where I got to the
point where I was not four orfive years.
Yeah, like in extreme levels Tothe point where I got to the
point where I was not partyingat all.
I would just sit in my houseand just drink.

Speaker 1 (23:31):
By yourself.

Speaker 3 (23:32):
Yeah, big time, and I got so bad I would hide alcohol
in my own house and I livedalone.

Speaker 1 (23:39):
Trying to manage yourself.
It loosens your brain Right.

Speaker 3 (23:42):
No, because I was worried that people would come
over and see the alcohol andthink I had a problem.
Oh, wow, that's how messed upmy brain was.
Oh, by the way, when I was 29,I was leaving a bar and I was
super trashed and I got in anargument with a guy and his two
friends and him beat the shitout of me, literally knocked me

(24:03):
out, stomped on my head,fractured my skull.
I had a traumatic brain injury.
I was in a coma for a month.
The doctors thought I would notbe able to walk and talk and
I'd have to go through all ofthat.
Luckily, for whatever reason,grace of God, I only lost my
sense of smell.
So even today I can't smell.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
But that wasn't enough.
Eating food has got to suck.

Speaker 3 (24:20):
I had lots of spicy stuff.

Speaker 1 (24:22):
Right.

Speaker 3 (24:29):
I to suck.
I had lots of spicy stuff,right, I eat a lot of red hot,
um, but that wasn't a like quoteunquote, rock bottom moment
enough.
It wasn't enough.
I didn't.
I didn't say, oh, I've got adrinking problem.
I was like, oh, that was justthat guy's fault, I would put
the blame on someone else.
And all this time that I'mdrinking I was putting the blame
on.
Well, why didn't my parentsraise me in that and why did?
If I would have had a normalchildhood, I wouldn't be dealing
with this right now.

Speaker 1 (24:47):
Right the blame game.

Speaker 3 (24:49):
A lot of pushing the blame on others right Yep so 34,
.
I never owned any guns, but Iwas like I can't stop drinking
and this is hell.
It was not fun, right, therewas no like good buzzy moment.

Speaker 1 (25:05):
hell, it was not fun.

Speaker 3 (25:05):
Right, there was no like can be buzzy moment.
Like you felt like shit all thetime it was drinking, just to
feel like half as shitty right,like not even it was there's.
No, there was no pleasure in itand it was just getting worse
and worse and worse.
Wow, so I went.
That's sad.
I went and bought a 1911 45 andsaid I'm out, I'm gonna do it.
And this was all pre-made.
This happened over weeks.

(25:25):
Like I was like, okay, I'll getthe gun and then I'll get the
bullets, and then I'll do thisand I'll have it here and I'll
buy a safe so my son doesn'tfind it, just knowing it was
going to come.
Yep, one night I was like, okay, this is it.
It was about 2 up the stairs togo grab my gun and I'm like,

(25:47):
yep, this is going to work.
Wow, got up there, got it andthen I realized I'm like gosh, I
live alone.
Who's?
going to find me, how long am Igoing to sit here before someone
finds me?
People don't even have keys inmy house.
I was just thinking about allthis stuff and I'm like, oh man,
I have a great idea, I'll goout on my front lawn.

Speaker 1 (26:06):
I'll do it on my front lawn, because then some
random stranger will just driveby and see me.

Speaker 3 (26:11):
They won't be found.
I won't be found by my family.
I won't make a mess in my house.
My family has to clean upwhatever.
So I got to that.
I'm like, okay, great, that'scrazy.
I fully and I talk about this alot when someone is truly
suicidal, they won't tell anyone.
You will not hear it.

Speaker 1 (26:33):
No and which is sad because that's the point where
they need it the most Exactly.

Speaker 3 (26:38):
Because you feel like you can't tell anyone, because
think about it.
I go to my mom and I'm like oh,I'm feeling this way.
One of two things is going tohappen.
Her reaction is going to beangry or it's going to be like
we got to get you intotherapists, you're going to get
committed, right, like.

Speaker 1 (26:52):
So it's like plus, we're men and we're proud and we
have egos, and it's like youshouldn't feel this way.

Speaker 3 (27:05):
Exactly.
You're tough, right.
You shouldn't feel this way.
You're weak if you feel thatway, right?
So I go out there.
I realize I'm like, holy crap,I have not shot this gun.
I don't even know.
I'm like, if I pull the triggerand it doesn't go off, fuck
Right.
So I'm in Draper pointing up inthe air Boom, boom.
Two times pulled the trigger Inthe middle of Draper freaking
45.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
How many times did the cops get called no?

Speaker 3 (27:28):
one came, dude, no kidding.
So then I'm like all right,here we go, put it up to my head
and I just, you know, you feelthe trigger.
You feel the like, thestiffness trigger.
Here it comes, and I just hadthis thought and it was like
wait, it's like you have moneyand you have this and you have
that.
No one knows anything aboutyour life, and you do have a son

(27:49):
.
So if you're going to do this,please just like leave some
instructions.
Don't make this such a headachefor everyone to deal with,
right?
So I was like, ah, so I'm like,okay, so I go in the house and
then pass out.
Well, I wake up and, by the way, I always lock my doors and
everything.
I wake up.
My mom, sister and brother arein my house.

(28:09):
The gun is sitting there on thecoffee table and they're like
what the hell?

Speaker 1 (28:17):
And apparently I had texted them goodbye.
I was going to say how did theyknow?

Speaker 3 (28:19):
Yeah.
So they're like what the heck?
We got a text from you at threein the morning saying goodbye,
and then they saw the gun andeverything.
So they flip out at me, I getall mad, they leave, take the
gun, and then I of course I getdrunk, but at that moment I knew
I was like I have.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
That was your cry for help to myself.
Right.

Speaker 3 (28:40):
Cause I wasn't going to accept help from other people
, but I was like I have tofigure out what the heck is
causing me to do this.
Why am I drinking myself todeath?

Speaker 1 (28:47):
Right.

Speaker 3 (28:47):
So then I go on this.
I decided I'm like, all right,I have to fix this, I quit just
cold Turkey, I'm not going to goto rehab, I refuse to but, I,
quit cold Turkey.
Holy hell.
That had to be pure hell forwas hell for like two weeks.
Then I got to what they callthe pink cloud, where I felt
amazing.
I was like Holy shit.

Speaker 1 (29:08):
First time in years.

Speaker 3 (29:09):
Well, dude, I didn't.
I forgot that you can wake upwithout a hangover, I like.
I actually forgot that.
Wow.
And I woke up and I was like,oh my gosh, I I feel so good.
But then what happened was Iwent three months and I won an
award trip at my job and I wasdown in St Thomas and
everybody's drinking and this,and that I went the whole trip.
Was it hard to be around it?

(29:29):
Super hard.

Speaker 1 (29:30):
I'm sure.

Speaker 3 (29:31):
I went the whole trip until the last night and my
buddy was drinking.
I'm like, screw it and Ifreaking take a drink.
I got so drunk.
We went to a freakinggentleman's club and I started a
fight with the bouncer and myfriend had to tell me this
because I got so drunk I wasblacked out.
Were you mean?
Drunk super at that point.
I wasn't early on, but I got tobe one right and and so but.

(29:54):
So what I realized is, like,because I had gone sober for so
long, I actually like when Iwent off it, it went, I went way
far right Like super hard wayoff the wagon the crash is like
ridiculous, like no control, wow, and I almost missed my flight
going home and I remembergetting the airport right in
time and I was just bawling myeyes out.
I'm like what the fuck is wrongwith me?

(30:14):
What is wrong with me?
I don't understand.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
What were your buddies saying?

Speaker 3 (30:18):
They're like dude, like they like.
It was just like like chill outbro.
What's your problem?
Like they, they nobodyunderstood it and I didn't
understand.
So then I get home and I'm like, all right, I'm going to quit
again.
So I go another three monthsball off the bender, not
aggressive out, but just Icouldn't withhold this.

(30:39):
I had to go buy tequila and Icouldn't.

Speaker 1 (30:41):
What, what, what, what triggered that one?

Speaker 3 (30:44):
Nothing necessarily.
I just kept thinking about itand I was home alone on a Friday
.

Speaker 1 (30:47):
Obsessing over it.

Speaker 3 (30:49):
And I.
So I went into two days,Probably just bored.
Well, I see, dude, I'm goingthrough all these pluses.
I'm like maybe I'm bored, MaybeI'm this, maybe I'm that, maybe
I'm blah, blah, blah.
Go through that bender, goanother three months.
Same thing happens again.
This time, though, after I cameout of it, I was like holy shit

(31:09):
.
I'm like cause I believe thatif I quit drinking, that would
solve it Right.
What I realized was I'm like ohmy gosh, you were still the
same.
Alcohol is my solution.
It's what I'm using.
It's not the problem.
Alcohol is my solution to myproblem.
When I get sober, I feel myproblem, and I don't want to

(31:30):
feel it, so I drink.

Speaker 1 (31:31):
Alcohol was the fix.

Speaker 3 (31:32):
Alcohol was numbing me.
Yeah, I didn't feel the problem.
So when I quit the last timewhich now I'm coming up on eight
years sober Good for you when Iquit the last time, I was like
I have to understand what iscausing me to fill the need to
numb.
I quit my job I was salesperson at Domo at the time just

(31:53):
fully quit my job, didn't have aplan on how I was going to pay
for anything, cause I was likeI'm going to kill myself or I'm
going to die, right?
So this is like most utmostimportant.
I completely quit my job and Istarted digging into like I read
so many books from DeepakChopra, tony Robbins, um,
untethered soul, right, like youknow you name it.
I just consumed myself in it andI was reading, reading, reading

(32:16):
, reading, reading.
I learned transcendentalmeditation.
I learned how to dohypnotherapy to myself.
I met Deepak Chopra, I met TonyRobbins and about three months
into sobriety I was getting reallike Ante and I had researched.

(32:38):
Every book I read was likelearn to meditate, learn to
meditate.
I was trying to do guidedmeditation and all for all
things.
I was listening to howard sternand he talked about
transcendental meditation and Iwas like what the hell is that?
I didn't know.
There's like different types.
I go research it.
You can't learn it online.
You, there's a train.
You go to a trainer.
There's one here in salt lake.
I go and see him.
He's like it's a thousand bucksand I was like all right, you
better it, better, better fix me, you better not.

(33:01):
And the first time he trained mehow to do it, the first time I
did it, it like blew my mind.
It actually shut my mind downand I actually had it calm that
urge consciousness good, where Iwas like no thought and I was
like holy cow because I was alike a massive overthinker, like
overthinking.
You saw it with my planning ofthe you know Right, I thought I

(33:23):
could think through things andlike that was my power.

Speaker 1 (33:26):
It was actually my.
You could outsmart it.

Speaker 3 (33:27):
It was actually the worst part about me was that,
because what I learned throughmeditation was allowing and
letting go is the power ofeverything.
So once I learned meditation,then I started to sail with
sobriety, because then thingsstarted.
I started to allow, I startedto let and I realized that, like
you can't fantasize about it,you can't give it energy, that

(33:50):
just just thinking, man, it'd benice to have a beer.

Speaker 1 (33:54):
Yep, that can't do that.

Speaker 3 (33:55):
It's out yeah you know what beer is?
It's vomiting, it's disgusting,it's gross.
I hate it.
Alcohol anytime I think aboutit.
That's my mind is now trainedthat I think that at all times,
no matter what and when I'maround, I'm I'm in sales and
tech and I go to like events andthere's tons of drinking and
stuff.
Now I just see it, I see theenergy and I'm like gosh, what
are they running from where?

(34:15):
Why do they feel they need todo this?
What is it?
What are their?
What are they hiding from?
Why do they feel the need to dothis?
What are they hiding fromthemselves?
Of course, I can't say that Alot of people are like oh, you
don't drink, you're so brave,and I was like you're brave,
you're brave, I'm not brave, I'mactually myself.
You're the one that's poisoningyourself to the point where
you're inebriated.

(34:36):
And then I love societies likeYou're like inebriated.

Speaker 1 (34:41):
And then I love societies like well, I was drunk
, right, oh, so that now that'san acceptance now From all
social lubricant and noaccountability, yeah.

Speaker 3 (34:50):
Oh you were drunk.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 (34:51):
Baby, it didn't mean anything, I was drunk.
I've used that one.

Speaker 3 (34:54):
We've all used that one.

Speaker 1 (34:55):
Right.
By the way, quick shout outJohnny, my little brother spat
it off on here.
I'm not sure what he meant.
Up up, down down, left right,left right, b-a-b-a select start
.

Speaker 3 (35:04):
That's codes, the cheat codes.

Speaker 1 (35:07):
The cheat codes.

Speaker 3 (35:08):
I believe that's Contra's cheat code.
Oh yeah, cool, but he caught onto it because that is the play.
The coding in the Lotus flowerLotus flower is your chi or your
balance.

Speaker 1 (35:19):
Oh, that's what you get it.
I didn't get it.
I'm like what does that mean?
Yeah, he knew exactly what itwas.

Speaker 3 (35:24):
So it's cheat code.
Good job, johnny.
The cheat code is your.
It's like your codes, the codes.

Speaker 1 (35:30):
He just said, that's right yeah.

Speaker 3 (35:32):
It's like the codes for your life, huh, so okay, so
we're getting to the good part.

Speaker 1 (35:37):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (35:39):
Well, I quit drinking and I learned to meditate.
What I realized is I was likeoh, okay, meditation helps me
today.
Now, right now.
Okay, it helps me right now.
I need to figure out.
I know shit happened in my past, but I can't put my finger on
what it was.
Okay.

Speaker 1 (35:57):
Did Warren Jeffries touch you?

Speaker 3 (35:58):
He did not.
Someone did A couple of peopleactually Really yeah.
I didn't understand that,though.
Okay.

Speaker 1 (36:08):
Right.
So I learned this.
Well, you'd buried it, I'm sure, and freaking gone.

Speaker 3 (36:13):
Oh dude, I have a whole course on this Right
Explaining this, Becauseeverybody does this.

Speaker 1 (36:17):
Right, everyone does this.
It's too bad, I mean it's too,too monster.

Speaker 3 (36:22):
Your subconscious is trying to protect you, so it
walls off.

Speaker 1 (36:25):
My little brother said he really likes you.

Speaker 3 (36:27):
Good, beautiful.
When we feel trauma as a child,we are subconscious
automatically walls it offbecause we don't know how to,
how to take the filling.
So like, let's say, you're likea three or four year old and
when you first start feelingemotions you're just like happy,
sad, crying, hungry, right,you're just.
And children bounce through itquite fast.

(36:48):
How many times have you seen achild just throw in a fit and
then all of a sudden switch?
That's a child's brain.
When a child feels deep shame,it doesn't know what it is.

Speaker 1 (37:00):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (37:01):
So all it knows is it doesn't like it.

Speaker 1 (37:03):
Right.

Speaker 3 (37:04):
And so the subconscious is like okay, we're
going to compartmentalize thisover here, we're going to put it
away.
We don't know how to reverse it.

Speaker 1 (37:11):
Shut that door, lock that door.
It's gone, done.

Speaker 3 (37:13):
All I knew is that when I went into my other
mother's room when I was threeor four years old, it felt very
uncomfortable to me and I didn'tlike it.
That's all I remembered aboutit Right.
Well, I learned from atherapist that I went to.
I learned how to do this, thismethod.
He taught me this method of howto do um, hypnotherapy to
yourself, wow, and he brought medown in this elevator, in in in

(37:37):
the hypno, and he's like I'mgoing to ask you a question.

Speaker 1 (37:40):
You opened the door.

Speaker 3 (37:41):
He said you sit down, there's going to be a
whiteboard in front of you.
And he says when I ask you thisquestion, it's going to put a
number on the board for you.
And I was like okay, so I'm inthe hypno.
And he's like at what age didyou first feel abandoned?
And in my mind I'm likeabandoned.

(38:05):
I know I wasn't abandoned.
My parents were there all thetime.
And then it writes four, man,and I was like four.
He's like okay, you're gonnawalk down this hallway, you're
gonna open the door, you'regonna see your four year old
self oh so I walk down thehallway.
I open the door.
I see a snotty nose cryingchild, blonde hair just bawling
his eyes out.
And he's.
And here's the here's theawesomest part about this.
He wasn't he not?

(38:27):
This is not about addressingsomething.
Okay, he said go up to thatchild, pick that child up and
tell that child you are hisprotector.
Now, you're never going toleave him.
He's very cool and you're goingto protect him now.
So basically, he's teaching youthat you are protecting
yourself.
There is an inner child in youthat is screaming and crying,

(38:50):
throwing fits and drinkinghimself to death because he's
scared and afraid.
Right, and he's like then he'slike go and create this room.
Right, and he's like go andcreate this room in this
environment and make this childfeel super comfortable.
So I set up all this stuff.
I remember I loved my mom's bedwhen I was a kid, so I gave him
my mom's bed.
He's like put a TV in front ofthis child and tell this child
that it can see you at all times.

(39:11):
Give him a phone and tell himhe can contact you at all times.
Okay, and he's like now justsit down and spend some time
with him, make him feel reallygood.
So then he's like go back, getup in the elevator so I come out
of it.
I'm like crying and he's likehere's the thing, thomas.
He's like you are throwing fitsas an adult.

Speaker 1 (39:28):
Because you didn't know how to deal with it.

Speaker 3 (39:29):
when your four-year-old self your
four-year-old self is runningrampant in you.
Yep, and talk to thisfour-year-old child as often as
you can for the next couple ofweeks.
We're going to eventually joinyou guys together and you're
going to become one.
He's all, but he's like.
I promise you this.
He's like you're going to.
That four-year-old child isgoing to call you when it's
trying to come out.
Two days later, I'm driving intraffic.

(39:51):
This freaking guy cuts me offand I immediately just like
shoot through the window and I'mlike this is my four-year-old
child.
I'm throwing a fit.
I'm being a baby right now.
Whoa, calm down, be the adulthere.
I'm here.
Hey, we're gonna get throughthis.
Buddy.
I literally said that in thecar.
Wow, I was like we're gonna getthrough this.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
That changed my life oh, I can't even imagine dude,
because then I started.

Speaker 3 (40:16):
It started popping up all the time.
Right, someone gets upset at me.
I need a drink, oh yeah, me,and I'm like I need a drink, oh,
that's not me, or if you'reupset, I need a drink.
That's my child, that's my innerchild, that is struggling, wow.
So then we did another sessionwhere we found where my anger
came from, and that was when Iwas 14, when I got pulled out of
school and I got.
I basically was childtrafficked and was put on

(40:36):
construction crews and I wastraveling to arizona vegas and
they would put like, so you?

Speaker 1 (40:41):
didn't have a.
You didn't have a childhoodafter 14.

Speaker 3 (40:43):
No, we, we have like 20 kids my age in two-bedroom
apartments with um sleeping bagslined out one after the other
like sardines did you ever haveto do the uh?

Speaker 1 (40:53):
I saw another special maybe it was the same one about
uh picking up the uh um,walnuts or something, the or
something.

Speaker 3 (41:00):
So that was something we would do, right, like not
that exactly, but we had what'scalled Saturday Work Project,
where it's like all thecommunity has to come together.
They had young people, likeeverybody had to work all the
time, right.
But I was like on crews, wherewe'd go to Vegas, colorado, like
actual construction crews.
We would frame apartmentbuildings.

Speaker 1 (41:18):
At 14.

Speaker 3 (41:18):
So fast we were hauling Like dude.
They would work us to death.
But in my mind at that time Iwas like this is awesome, I
don't have to be at school, I'mout with these guys.
You know, this is cool, I get a.

Speaker 1 (41:28):
Of course they get paid.

Speaker 3 (41:29):
I'm being a man, I get 25 bucks a day in little
incidentals, right, like you'reout, you know, and we thought
that was like the most amazingthing, right, I had twin cousins
, two twin cousins, and we, wewere together and we just
thought it was so cool.
However future state I was, Iwas.

(41:50):
You know why I was angry?

Speaker 1 (41:52):
because my parents didn't seem to care where I was
for like weeks and months at atime right we didn't have cell
phones like out of sight, out ofmind and then I'd come home
they're like, hey, what's up?
Like nothing dude and andinside you're screaming man, I
need this, I need this.

Speaker 3 (42:06):
Why don't they care about me?
Right like what, what the?

Speaker 1 (42:09):
and that got me really angry yeah so we.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
So, after a period of time, we joined my
four-year-old, 14-year-old selfand my current self together as
one wow, and that really healedme.
And then meditation helped.
And then what I realized afterthat point is I'm like I have to
go through my entire life witha fine tooth comb and I have to
understand what happened.
So what I did was I I literallywent back to the very first

(42:32):
memory I ever had.
I can remember it still today.
I was crawling up the stairs tomy other not my mother, but my
other mother.
I was crawling up the stairs tomy other not my mother, but my
other mother.
I was crawling up the stairs.
I can remember the carpet, Ican remember the railing, and so
what I did is I jotted thatdown as a bullet point and I
said okay, that was the firstmemory that I was like okay,
what's the next memory?
Next memory I can remember Iwas putting roller skates on the

(42:53):
back um concrete pad in ourhouse.
I remember falling down,slapping my hands.
I remember hurting really badand I remember the parents were
like laughing at me and in mymind I'm like why the hell are
you laughing, right?
but that freaking hurt I'm like,oh okay, you see a little kid
fall right, it's funny.
Well then, I did that, keepgoing, keep going.

(43:13):
Then I come to a memory and thememory freaking hurts.
I don't even want to thinkabout it, I can't even think
about it.
And I'm to think about it.
I can't even think about it andI'm not even four years old, I
can't even think about it.
It hurts, it stings to eventhink about it.
And I realized it was when Iwent into my other mother's room
and she pulled my pants downand I remembered I was beyond
diapers and she was like it was.

(43:34):
I remember thinking I'm likethis isn't right.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
So you were molested by a woman.

Speaker 3 (43:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (43:41):
Holy shit, yeah, do you know what the odds of?

Speaker 3 (43:46):
that are against.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (43:48):
Wow, so that I didn't even remember that until I
started doing that work, Right,Okay?
So then I realized I'm like oh,I'm onto something I need, need
to write my entire life downand I need to find those red
flag moments where it hurts.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
And address them.

Speaker 3 (44:04):
That's still causing me pain.

Speaker 1 (44:06):
Right.

Speaker 3 (44:07):
So then what I did is , once I wrote it all down, I
started to connect the dots andsay, okay, why I'll give you
this is such a great example.
Okay, when I was younger, mymom told me me because we lived
in west jordan, right, okaywe're like the pilgrim clothes
and all that right.
My mom told me she's like don'ttell the neighbors what

(44:28):
religion we're a part of anddon't tell them that your other
mother's your mother.
Tell them it's your aunt.
I was like five they knew but Iwas like what the hell is wrong
with us?

Speaker 1 (44:40):
Right Now You're carrying a burden and a secret.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
I wasn't necessarily.
She was just trying.
I don't fault her.

Speaker 1 (44:46):
She was trying to go under the radar.

Speaker 3 (44:48):
She's trying to protect her family Right.
But for me at that age I waslike what's wrong with me?
Right, so I immediately thoughtthere was something wrong with
them.

Speaker 1 (44:57):
You recognized that you were different than all the
other kids.
You internalized it, as you too.

Speaker 3 (45:00):
So now fast forward.
How does?
That manifest I had.
I've been married four timesand divorced four times.

Speaker 1 (45:09):
Are you married now?

Speaker 3 (45:10):
I'm engaged Good for you, I'm married.
Yeah, that's a whole otherstory.

Speaker 1 (45:14):
This is the one.

Speaker 3 (45:15):
Oh, 100%.
Yep, I can tell you a reallycool story about that.
Yeah, this is a good one.
But what I realized is I waslike, okay, these are causing me
problems now.
So I have to determine, like,what is the connection with the
way I behave today?
because I'm trying to determinewhere is this drinking coming
from right okay, well, severalof the girls that I dated, when

(45:36):
I would go meet their families,I was very much just like stand
in the corner, not talk toanyone, and they would take that
based on what I look like, ashe's an asshole.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
Right Okay In my mind he thinks he's better than the
rest of us.

Speaker 3 (45:51):
Fearful to talk to people, but I didn't know why.
I did not know why, and one dayit hit me like a bolt of
lightning as I'm doing this work.
I was like, well, when I go upand talk to someone and say, hey
, how are you, especially inUtah, they're like, oh, hey,
what high school did you go to?
Immediately I'm like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 (46:08):
Yeah, I can't answer that.

Speaker 3 (46:09):
Well.
So I came up with two thingsthat I would answer.
Either I would tell them oh, Iwent't even know, I don't know.
And then the bad part aboutthat is if they're like oh, do
you know, so-and-so what's?

Speaker 1 (46:20):
up for you, Right exactly?

Speaker 3 (46:21):
Shit, now I'm lying to someone that I've just barely
met Yep, or the opposite ofthat is I say, oh well, actually
I was raised in the FLAS and Iwent to Alta Academy.
Well, if I do that, they mean,is your dad a polygamist,
someone I just barely met?
So no wonder I don't want totalk to anyone.

Speaker 1 (46:38):
No shit dude.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
Because it's like I don't want to not be friendly,
but I just I feel so trapped.

Speaker 1 (46:44):
And let's be honest, I mean kids at that age.
They're brutal.

Speaker 3 (46:48):
There's not even kids .
It's freaking.
When I was in my 30s, oh no.

Speaker 1 (46:52):
but I mean back when going into meeting families like
do I share MFLDS?
Is he going to take my daughterinto that?
Is this?
There's all these, there's allthese stigmas around.
So you're, so you're, guardedand hiding all of it.

Speaker 2 (47:03):
Yeah, I'm already ashamed of myself, and you don't
even know why, yeah, for noreason, really Right, you cannot
present yourself?

Speaker 3 (47:10):
It's just because you were different.
Yeah, but it was you, didn'task for it.
I didn't choose to be in that, Iwas raised in it.
When I turned 18, I left Right.
So now you see what I'm saying.
Yes, the connection, yes.
So then what I realized?
I'm like holy crap, I'm likeyou have all these beliefs put
on you as a child Sub eightyears old.

(47:31):
It's real intense.
Right, that's your coding,right, right, that is your
coding, because most of the timeat those ages, you're just
absorbing, right you're, andespecially from your parents,
you're taking, you see them asgods.
Right, and so you're takingeverything that they do as like
and it has to be right.

Speaker 1 (47:48):
It has to be the right thing.

Speaker 3 (47:50):
Even take the way that they treat themselves.
You absorb the way that theytreat themselves.
So if they're not confident andloving themselves, you think
you can't love yourself.

Speaker 1 (48:00):
Right.

Speaker 3 (48:01):
That's where, once I got sober, I was like and once I
wrote my whole life down, I'mlike I got to write a book.
I have to write about thisbecause once I started
addressing all of this stuff inmy life and writing the book was
so therapeutic.
Oh, I can't even imagine,because I went over and over and
over and I was like, okay,that's not who I am, that's not
who that's I'm, I'm somethingelse.

Speaker 1 (48:24):
Talk about diving deep in and and and taking a
hard look at yourself.

Speaker 3 (48:28):
Oh well, so the very first chapter is.
That's what I said.

Speaker 1 (48:32):
I want one of your books Absolutely.
I should have brought a coupleactions.
It's all right, I know a guythat knows a guy.

Speaker 3 (48:41):
What I realized is I was like, oh my gosh, I'm like
I'm hindering myself, like it isme, like this is none of this
is my parents' fault, becauseyou started owning it.
It's my fault I'm drinking andacting like an asshole.
Right, that is my fault.

Speaker 1 (48:59):
Right, it's my fault I'm drinking and acting like an
asshole.

Speaker 3 (49:00):
Right, that is my fault, right it's not if they
get on their knees and tell meI'm sorry that doesn't stop me
from making these horribledecisions, right.
So once I owned it and once Iwent through this in my life, I
actually dropped down at severallevels in what I thought about
myself, because I thought I wasso, because I was successful in
sales, right, all these things,and I just dropped down, but it
was all false bravado.

(49:21):
I'm lying to myself abouteverything.
But the cool thing is, once Igot to that rock bottom, I was
like okay, what kind of persondo I want to be?

Speaker 1 (49:29):
Do you know specifically when you got to
that rock bottom?

Speaker 3 (49:33):
You want to laugh?
Yeah, the day I quit drinkingis.

Speaker 1 (49:38):
You mean the last time?

Speaker 3 (49:39):
The last time I, because I knew I kept going
through that cycle of quittingRight about every three months.

Speaker 1 (49:44):
you were in a cycle.
This is what happened.

Speaker 3 (49:46):
My ex.
She was having a baby and shehad my son and she's like, hey,
when I go into labor you need tocome get him.
And I was like okay.

Speaker 1 (49:56):
So I'm assuming this baby wasn't yours?
It was not mine.
No, this was way after Got it,this was six, seven years after.
Okay.

Speaker 3 (50:02):
And I have 50-50 custody of my son.
I have since he was six monthsold.
Awesome, she called me at liketwo in the morning.
She's like hey, I'm going intolabor, I need you to come get
Silas and I of course beendrinking.
I was hammered and I was passedout and I answered the phone.
So I run downstairs and jump inmy forerunner in my garage and

(50:23):
as I jumped in I just like putit in gear and then I dropped my
phone and dumbass that I am Iwent to go for your phone of the
car to grab the phone and thedoor was open and it just went.
It just it caught to the side ofthe garage and just bent
backwards and at that moment I'mlike I am fucking done with

(50:43):
this, I cannot do this anymore,Because now it's affecting your
son.
Well, it's dude, it's beenaffecting my life so bad, but it
was just like that was likethat was like it wasn't even a.
It was a big thing, but itwasn't a big thing.

Speaker 1 (50:56):
Right, I had done way worse things.
It's funny that that one littlething was so profound hair that
dropped it.

Speaker 3 (51:02):
I'm like I'm done with this and and that's what I
say to addicts now, when they'retrying to go through this
process of of trying to like,heal themselves and quit I asked
him that question Are you doneBecause you have to come to that
agreement with yourself?
You're like I'm done Right,like it's not maybe I'll have a

(51:26):
beer.

Speaker 1 (51:26):
It's like no, I'm done.

Speaker 3 (51:27):
Wow, never going to do this again.
I freaking.
And that was your moment, thatwas my moment, wow.
But but again, to be successfulin it and to get sobriety, like
like the way I talk about itnow.
I don't.
A lot of people are like oh,they're 10 years sober, I'm in
recovery.
I do not believe that.
I don't believe alcoholism is adisease, it's just a coping
mechanism.
It is a coping mechanism.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
That's all it is.
It's an excuse.

Speaker 3 (51:47):
If you go and solve your traumas, you won't have an
addiction to anything.

Speaker 1 (51:58):
Dude I take this to an extreme level just.
Have you ever had anybodythat's that's, that's that's
called you out on the carpet onthat, on that attitude or that
point, with them all day aboutit?

Speaker 3 (52:08):
yeah because if they, if they well, you were one, you
know if they will do the workthat I prescribe right, they
will understand right it.
Because, because if you stay inthat, it's the society,
societal thing disease is stillvictim right, that's right, that
is their reason.
They've just given them, them,a scapegoat with that, with that
answer like like adhd and andhaving to be on riddlin and it's

(52:31):
, it's, it's victim dude yeah,you're still a victim and you're
still saying oh, it's somethingelse, it's not my fault I'm not
responsible for this.

Speaker 1 (52:39):
I was born this way.

Speaker 3 (52:41):
Well, the crazy thing is, as I've progressed and
progressed and progressedbecause that's not the end of
the story I have way crazierstuff that happened after that.
My vibration has continuallyrised, and what I see?
Alcoholism now, alcohol ingeneral, or anything that takes
away your it lowers yourvibration.

Speaker 1 (53:01):
It lowers your vibration, it lowers your
vibration.
Talk about your vibration.
Be more specific.

Speaker 3 (53:07):
So vibration is like I like to relate it to, like a
radio station.

Speaker 1 (53:13):
Okay, okay, have you ever read a book Like a radio
wave?

Speaker 3 (53:16):
Yes, have you ever read a book and it was kind of
like whatever.
And then maybe like years lateryou think about a passage, or
you find a passage and you'relike, oh shit, I didn't pick up
on that.

Speaker 1 (53:26):
Right, okay.

Speaker 3 (53:27):
That's a vibration.

Speaker 1 (53:28):
Okay, it's also flow.
You'll relate it to flow whenyou're flying high Right.

Speaker 3 (53:33):
Well, because I can say the same things to another
person and they'll be like ah,he's crazy, he's this, he's that
, whereas another person's likegive me more, give me more, give
me more.

Speaker 1 (53:44):
It's a radio station, they're on the same vibe or
close to the same vibe.

Speaker 3 (53:47):
You've tuned into my radio station.
You're receiving it, youunderstand it, you hear it and,
dude, I'm telling you the worldin general is raising its right
vibration.
You're seeing more psychedelics, less alcohol.
Gen Z is using less alcoholthan any of the previous
generations.
It is a vibration thing.

Speaker 1 (54:05):
Like you, start to realize that it actually Well,
because using the alcohol killsthat vibration.

Speaker 3 (54:11):
Yeah, if someone tells me they want to improve
their lives.
If I'm like do you drink?
Yes, you have to stop that.
I can't even help you.
Wow, I cannot help you becauseyou will stay in a loop that
will never fucking end, really.
You will stay in that loopforever.

Speaker 1 (54:28):
Is it just alcohol, or is it any substance?

Speaker 3 (54:31):
Anything that you're using on a daily basis to calm
yourself.
So if you're smoking, weed islike an interesting one because
we can have some similar effectsto psychedelics Okay, however,
somehow they classify it as apsychedelic.

(54:51):
However, here's the thing withweed.
If I'm smoking weed everysingle day to get through life,
it's still it's still a crutchcrutch.

Speaker 1 (54:58):
That's a problem, right, that's a problem.
So I have a question for you.
So take a guy like me.
I, I don't drink every day.
I rarely, rarely.
I mean, I have available to meall the time, but I rarely drink
at home.
Matter of fact, about the onlytime I ever drink at home is if
I'm going out and I'm just doinga pre-gamer.

(55:18):
Sure, I'm a 100% fun socialit's.
I don't have to have it.
Yep, I mean literally it's.
And I'm finding that the olderI'm getting, like I mean, there
was a time there where when Idrank I drank a lot, but it

(55:39):
wasn't like it was an everydaything I would drink.
I'd wake up the next day andfeel like shit and go well, I'm
not drinking for a week.
Do you know what I mean?
But, but even that is calmedout big time.
But so talk to me aboutsomething like that, because I
don't have to drink every day.

Speaker 3 (55:56):
I don't want to drink Bro.

Speaker 1 (56:02):
I bet money.
It's's, it's the reading, it's,it's the space.
We've stepped into the coaching.
Right, I'll bet you'venaturally, you've naturally
shifted up.

Speaker 3 (56:06):
you will work away from that.
Like if you go do like a heavydose hero, dose mushrooms or
something like that and you getinto that space, you will stop
using everything, naturally.

Speaker 1 (56:18):
Brian Smith.
Well, there is nothing otherthan that.

Speaker 3 (56:21):
You will stop.
It will just stop Right.
It won't be like oh, I need tostop this, you won't want you
won't be called to it, you won'twant it.
Dude the reason I don't want itnow.
I don't want to lose the amountof clarity I have in my mind at
all times.
Right, like the idea of I knowwhat it feels like to get drunk.
The idea of getting a buzzmakes me agitated because I'm

(56:42):
like I'll lose my clarity.
But let me tell you somethingelse here.

Speaker 1 (56:46):
Let me, let me touch Right, let me tell you something
else, though that that that I'mfinding out, that's kind of
interesting.
I can't believe you'readmitting you're going into the
woo.
Dude, I'm going into the woo.

Speaker 3 (56:57):
It'm going into the woo.
It's not woo dude, it's notright.
It is true, I get it holy crap.

Speaker 1 (57:01):
I just I give him shit about being woo woo because
he he I understand doesn'tmatter, it's just, it's just our
way of teasing, teasing, yeah.
But here's the other thing,though, bro is is I'm a huge
gregarious.
I love, I love being aroundpeople, I love going out and and
, and you know, just havingpeople are so drawn to me

(57:24):
because I'm I'm gregarious andhappy and and I don't judge
anybody, my, it actually makesmy wife go crazy, cause she says
that you, just you, have noability to read people cause you
don't judge them.
Okay.
Anyways, the long or the shortis, the less that I drink when
I'm going out, the less that Iactually want to be there.

(57:46):
But I'm not okay with thatbecause I love that.

Speaker 3 (57:50):
That's the vibration that I'm talking about
Interesting.
You know what I?

Speaker 1 (57:54):
mean you caught that?
No, I caught it.

Speaker 3 (57:56):
He's right, you are out of a vibration, you're in a
different vibration now, and soyou're like, oh, I don't want to
be here, however you want, butI love it, but you want the
interaction, okay.
So here's the thing likeconcerts.

Speaker 1 (58:07):
I love ask him we've gone to concerts and have so
much freaking fun you don't haveto be drunk.

Speaker 3 (58:12):
And you don't have to be drunk.

Speaker 1 (58:12):
I know that, but, but , I'm just saying to you but
there's this, there's this shiftwith me.

Speaker 3 (58:17):
You can still go to a concert, right, and I know that
.
But what will happen is, as youchange, it's like leaving a
group and you're kind of alonefor a while and then you'll
start to magnetize another groupon another vibration.
So, like I'm, in big groupswhere there is no alcohol.

Speaker 1 (58:35):
But I don't want to leave my group this absolutely
is.

Speaker 3 (58:39):
Do you see what I mean?
This absolutely is a stage.
I'm just telling you, this iswhat will happen.

Speaker 1 (58:43):
This is absolutely a stage dude.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
Right, this is what will happen.
There's two things that willhappen If you continue down the
path of raising your vibration.
Okay, which may be a bigmushroom trip is what you need,
or something like that you raisethe vibration of everyone
around you.
Do you know that all of mysiblings were massive alcoholics
and have been arrested?

(59:05):
My oldest brother spent 20years in prison Since I stopped
drinking almost all my siblingshave stopped drinking.

Speaker 1 (59:15):
Right Because of that vibration.

Speaker 3 (59:18):
Dude the power of of vibration.
The higher vibration is morepowerful than the lower
vibration, no matter what rightyou raise it wherever you go, so
you might find that your, yourgroup, starts to they already
have okay, that's my point.
It's not like we have to.
We have to rid ourselves ofattachment I can go level four

(59:40):
on this shit and start to reallyrock you.
But attachment is the enemy ofenlightenment.
Okay, You're attached to yourfriends, to this, to that.
You're attached to yourwhatever your alcohol, your
smoking, your whatever and it'skeeping you at a certain level.

(01:00:00):
The more we let go, the more werise above it, the more we rise
above it until we get to.
But here's the thing, the reasonthat we want stuff or we like,
even the idea of saying, like mychild is as successful at
school, or something like that,that's not even selfless,
because that is validating me asa parent.
Oh, so that makes me better ifthey're better.
If they're better, then I cantell myself that I am better.

(01:00:23):
If I have friends that do whatI do, I can tell myself that I
am good.
Okay, when we start to getalone, we get fearful because we
don't have validation.

Speaker 1 (01:00:34):
Oh, I used to be scared shitless of being alone.

Speaker 3 (01:00:37):
So if you're out of a relationship you're like well,
where's my value?
Why doesn't someone like that.
Right, that's all a lie.

Speaker 1 (01:00:44):
It is a lie.

Speaker 3 (01:00:45):
All of it, you are enough.

Speaker 1 (01:00:47):
So my little brother said to me he said this, his
vibration, meaning you, isresonating here, this part.
He said sober, this is mylittle brother, so sober for a
year.
Never look back, stop, stopsmoking mj a month ago.
And also, not looking back, saymore about the weed.

Speaker 3 (01:01:13):
You have a brother that does weed.
Oh yeah, anything that,anything, that is okay.
Okay, let's take substance outof it for a second.

Speaker 1 (01:01:21):
Anything that I need every day can be bad.
Of course it's crutch andvictim Netflix food.

Speaker 3 (01:01:24):
Food TV.
Tv my friend.
Porn.

Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
Anything outside of you, anything Work that you need
.
Work yes.

Speaker 3 (01:01:33):
Everything, everything, all of it.
Okay, I'm going to tell you astory.

Speaker 1 (01:01:38):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:01:39):
This is amazing.
Okay, I'm going to tell you astory.
Okay, this is amazing.
Okay, I was two years sober.
Okay, I was writing my book.
Okay, I was single and I waslike you know what?
I read tons of Deepak Choprabooks about manifestation.

Speaker 1 (01:01:52):
I'm going to run back , keep going, and I was like I
need to manifest a woman.

Speaker 3 (01:01:57):
I'd been divorced three times.
I need to manifest a woman.
I'd been divorced three times.
Right, so I?
I write down this list and welive in Utah here, and I was
like, oh, I want someone who'sand I was in my mid thirties.

Speaker 1 (01:02:07):
Oh, it was your.
It was your ticker list of whatthey had to be I want someone
who's my age, never married, nokids, beautiful, successful Wow.
In.

Speaker 3 (01:02:14):
Utah.
Right, I write it all down, I Iwrite it all down.
I take it to a real-lifematchmaker.
I give them $5,000, and I sayfind me this woman, the second
person they lined me up on adate with.

(01:02:34):
She was two years older than me, never married, no kids.
She got her master's degree atOxford.
She got her PhD at the?
U Smart.
She was a business professor atthe?
U.
She got her PhD at the?
U Smart.
She was a business professor atthe?
U.
She owned her own orchard andshe was Miss Teen Utah.
Wow, and she liked me.
Wow, and she just loved mystory and everything okay.
Okay, three months into datingshe's like I want to have kids.

(01:02:54):
I'm 37.
I need to have kids.

Speaker 1 (01:02:56):
If you're not down for, that let's break it off,
and I was like no a hundredpercent.

Speaker 3 (01:02:59):
I'm down to do it.
A year from the day we met, wegot married.
Six weeks after that she waspregnant, little girl.
I was like, above, I love myson so much.
I'm like I love kids, yep, Ilove my son so much.
So, having a little girl.
I was just like, oh my gosh,this is going to be so
incredible.
Eight months into the pregnancyshe couldn't feel the baby
moving.
We went in to the doctor.

(01:03:21):
They're like the baby haspassed away.
We had to induce labor.
She had to give full birth.
The baby was five and a halfpounds, little girl, dark hair,
soul crushing.

Speaker 1 (01:03:32):
Yes.

Speaker 3 (01:03:33):
Soul crushing.

Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
Yes, did you revert, so listen to this.

Speaker 3 (01:03:37):
Okay, Two weeks after she leaves me says she wants a
divorce.

Speaker 1 (01:03:45):
Did she blame you?

Speaker 3 (01:03:47):
I won't go into all the details okay I won't
understand, I won't yeah,whatever understood, she leaves
right a month after that, I losemy job, job.
I lost my job, lost my wife,lost my daughter in a
three-month period.
Anyone would have reverted,would have been like I'm getting
hammered, I'm going back.

(01:04:08):
It's hammer, time it's hammertime, what I did was I dug
deeper into it.
I'm like this is not a badthing, this is for me.

Speaker 1 (01:04:17):
Right, this is the universe speaking to me Think
about this for a second.

Speaker 3 (01:04:20):
This is kind of a weird thought.
Jeff Bezos cannot pay for thatexperience.

Speaker 1 (01:04:26):
Nope.

Speaker 3 (01:04:27):
Do you understand I do Losing a child like that is
so valuable.

Speaker 1 (01:04:33):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:04:34):
You can't.

Speaker 1 (01:04:35):
This is what I talk about in our training.

Speaker 3 (01:04:37):
It cannot be created.

Speaker 1 (01:04:38):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:04:38):
This is what I talk about in our trainings.
It cannot be created Right, sowhy would I ruin this?
opportunity to have this massiveamount of growth, yep.
So I dug deep into it.
Good for you.
I'm going to own this.
I love this.
This is what I want.
This is powerful.
I want to understand this.
I want to feel it as much aspossible.
I want to feel the sadness.
I want to feel it as much aspossible.

(01:04:59):
I want to fill the sadness.
I want to fill all the things.
Yep, all of it.
Yep.
I didn't even look for a job.
Some company reached out to meand gave me more money than I've
ever been paid.
I didn't even apply for a job.

Speaker 1 (01:05:10):
You're skipping a point.
What Aren't you, what Are we onyour trip yet?

Speaker 3 (01:05:21):
No, no, no, okay, no that that's happened twice, dude
, is it?
Yeah, okay, it just happened inAugust again, so I didn't even
apply for a job and they reachedout to give me this job, okay,
so then I worked for two yearsand I worked for a startup and
I'm just like busting my hump,dude, working six days a week,
like just so much work and weend up getting acquired and at
this point I'm like four, five,six years into my sobriety and I

(01:05:45):
was really good, like I wake upat 5 am.
I go to the gym.
Probably when he startednoticing me is when this all
happened.

Speaker 1 (01:05:54):
I've been going to the gym for six years, dude,
Well you both said you joinedthe same gym back in 16 or six,
six oh six 20 and he, barely,freaking, noticed you two years
late, or two years ago, butthat's the vibration and right
shift.

Speaker 3 (01:06:07):
I, I get it, I believe it.
So I have this feeling and, bythe way, I haven't done really
anything like.
What I mean by that issubstances okay and I have this
feeling.
I'm like I researched ayahuascayears ago and, um, I, because I
was looking for something tohelp me quit at drinking alcohol
, right, and I was like I can'tgo to the jungle and do drugs,

(01:06:28):
that's I wouldn't trust myself,right, but, and you might shit
yourself, well, probably, but Ihad this like deep feeling, I'm
like I need to go do this, Ineed to go do this, I need to go
do this, and I'm like I'mavoiding it, I'm not thinking
about it.
And then, finally, I was.
I did, was just so strong, dude, it was coming up everywhere.
People were bringing it up.
It was coming up everywhere andI was like, okay, I found the

(01:06:50):
resort.
I booked the trip to go toayahuasca.
I was laid off and I'm like,okay, great, this is the, this
is the.
At that point, I'm acceptingeverything at all.
Right, I don't even fight it,right, I just accept.
And I was like okay, this isperfect, because now I'm going
to go down here, I'm not goingto have my phone for seven days
and I'm gonna, I'm not gonna bethinking about work, I'm gonna

(01:07:12):
be thinking about what am I herefor?
Why am I doing this?
Right, okay, so I go to thisresort.
By the way, it's the sameresort that aaron rogers went to
and in his documentary onnetflix they show my book
because I left a signed copythere.
Nice, I was like yeah, it wasso awesome.
I showed my book on thedocumentary, I was like hell

(01:07:32):
yeah you should send a copy toaaron I need to right.
You should know.

Speaker 1 (01:07:38):
I'm going to shit all over you.

Speaker 3 (01:07:42):
So I go down.
You're there for seven days.
You do three ceremonies okay.

Speaker 1 (01:07:49):
Okay, did you go all in?
Like, I understand there'sdifferent levels, that you can
do it right.

Speaker 3 (01:07:57):
From Chad.
Chad was telling me you, canyou choose Meaning how strong?
Well, yeah, well, yeah, okay.
So you see what I mean.
Yeah, I'll explain that.
So the cool thing first of all,I've run into people here in
utah that call themselves ashaman.
Right, they're not a freakingshaman.
No, like this guy, he learnedit from his dad.

(01:08:17):
He learned how to create, makethe ayahuasca.
He he's been doing ayahuasca,done thousands and thousands and
thousands of trips.
He leads them.
It's a whole energetic thing.
That guy's a freaking chum rightand I have so much respect for
it because the energy that hewas able to create right
environment was incredible rightokay, so you go sit down.
There was eight.
I went to a resort, by the way,that only allows eight people.

(01:08:39):
Some of these places allow 50,60 people.

Speaker 1 (01:08:41):
Right, it's too much.
You're all laying on shitaround in a teepee and much
energy.

Speaker 3 (01:08:45):
Yeah, eight people we sit down.
He says okay.
He's like I'm going to offeryou the first cup.
We're going to sit in silencefor an hour.
After about an hour or so I'mgoing to say I'm going to open
up the table for another cup.
You converse with yourself.

Speaker 1 (01:09:02):
I was going to say.
What were you thinking aboutduring that hour?

Speaker 3 (01:09:05):
I'll tell you.
But he says you converse withyourself and determine if you
need more or not.

Speaker 1 (01:09:09):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:09:10):
So that's to your point.
Yep, you determine how much youtake.
Got it the first hour I'm justsitting there and I can feel it
coming on, and by the way Likewhat does it feel like?
Keep in mind I've been sober.

Speaker 1 (01:09:24):
Right, right.
So I'm virgin, so you feel alsolike you're.
I mean, did you feel like maybeyou were cheating?

Speaker 3 (01:09:31):
No, not at all, okay, not even a little bit.

Speaker 1 (01:09:34):
So you said you could feel it coming on.

Speaker 3 (01:09:35):
What do you mean?
I think because my body's sosensitive now because I don't
take anything.
So, like, like you were gettingdrunk, or you were getting high
, or you were you could feeljust like a little buzziness,
like something okay, right, andI noticed my mind starting to
like Go fast.
Okay, I would think of somethingand it would just like go
through this, all this stuff,like rip it all over the place.

(01:09:55):
Okay, and I realize I'm like,okay, I would think of something
and it would just like gothrough this, all this stuff,
like rip it all over the place.

Speaker 1 (01:09:58):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (01:09:58):
And I realized I'm like okay, just so.
It's almost like there's twoversions of me.
There's this version, that'slike going fast.
And then I'm thinking aboutlike, well, what do I, what do I
need to get from this and allthis stuff?
And and um, I remember my sonjust came to my mind and I'm

(01:10:20):
like gosh, I love him so muchand I'm like, and then I was
like oh, when I'm hard on him,I'm also hard on myself.
When I'm nice to myself, I'mnice to him.
And then I realize I'm like Ineed to treat like I love him so
much.
I should love myself so much.

Speaker 1 (01:10:29):
And it was just like this that was your big kind of
no no that was just gettingstarted, so.

Speaker 3 (01:10:36):
So then I'm just like this is the kind of work in the
process that's happening, okay.
Then he he says okay, we'reopening it up for another cup.
All of us go up and get anothercup, then I sit down, then he
starts playing the music andthey tell you, if you get lost,
listen to the music, oh, okay.
But, he plays music the entiretime.
He sings, he, he.
He has a little that plays too.

Speaker 1 (01:10:57):
And you can hear it the whole entire time.

Speaker 3 (01:10:59):
Oh yeah, Okay, it's the whole thing.
Okay, the music is the wholething.

Speaker 1 (01:11:02):
By the way, that audio that I was telling you
about.
He talks about how theayahuasca and about shamanism
and he relates it all back topsychedelics have to be in
residence.
Have to have audible oh Okay,have to be in residence.
Have to have audible oh okay,sorry, keep going, it's so
incredible.

Speaker 3 (01:11:18):
Keep going so incredible.
By the way, I was researchingayahuasca before I went and I
found this ayahuasca playlistbefore I was listening to music
and I'm like what the heck isthis crap?
I really thought that, rightNow, it's all I listen to, right
, all the time.
Right, it's all I can listen to.

(01:11:40):
So, anyways, we're in it.
Then I start to freaking tripdude.
Then it freaking hits me andI'm like tripping Right, like
tripping hard.
I didn't realize if I wasstanding up, but I didn't
realize if I was standing up inmy mind or if I was still on the
mat and my mind was standing up.
I was completely likedisassociated.
I didn't know if I wascompletely like disassociated, I
didn't know if I was stillthere.

(01:12:01):
The shaman's face turned intomy brother's and then it turned
into my mom.
That molested me and I was like, oh shit, and it's like you
have to face these things.
We have to face these things.
I had a conversation withMother Ayahuasca and I said,
please go gentle on me.
And so then the music's playingand I'm sitting there and she
and it was like it was almostlike we were going through a
swamp and there was all thisshit that I had to deal with and

(01:12:24):
she was like see, and the musicwas playing and she's like, see
, I'm taking you through it realslow, but she's like we're
gonna have to go into it.
And I was like okay, and thenthe music starts and this is all
your inner self doing all this.
Well, that's why they call itmother ayahuasca, because you're
like interacting, but it's likeyou're in your mind's eye,
right, you're having aconversation with yourself, but

(01:12:44):
the other voice is very separate, right, it's not like you're
talking to yourself, right, it'svery separate.
Okay, and it's very wise.
And then the music starts tospeed up and I start to feel
real sick.
Yeah, and I can feel it in myentire body.
My knees are throbbing, myfreaking joints, my stomach is

(01:13:07):
just turning and he just keepsplaying faster and faster and
I'm like, oh fuck, and we havethese bowls in front of us.

Speaker 1 (01:13:15):
Was he playing faster in real life?

Speaker 3 (01:13:17):
So, yes, the songs do .
They do it on purpose that way.
It's really soft, and then itgoes to an agitation.
It's on purpose, okay.
So then I'm like okay, I got tothrow up, I got to throw up.
So then I lean over and it'sjust dry, heave, dry, heave, dry
, heave, dry, heave.
I can't throw up, can't throwup, can't throw up.
The thing is, they starve youbefore you go in.
Right.
So I can't throw up.

(01:13:38):
And then the music calms down.
I'm like, oh, thank God.
And then I'm just sitting therequietly.
And then, like, I start tothink about my second ex-wife
and I like turn over and thegirl that was sitting next to me
, it was my second ex-wife and Iwas.
And I was like, and she wascrying and I was like I freaking
miss you so bad.
And I'm like, just talk to me,because I have, by the way, I've

(01:14:01):
not talked to this woman in 12years, or something like that.
Wow, I'm like, just talk to me.
And then she's like no, and shelike turns away from me.
And I'm like, and then themedicine told me he's like see,
she's suffering from this, therelationship you guys had.
She's still suffering from it,but you need to let it go right.
And, dude, that was anincredible.

(01:14:23):
That was incredible for me,because I that was a reason that
I had such hard time withrelationships I couldn't detach
from that person got it forwhatever reason.
Right, so then I finally relax.
And then he starts playing themusic bing, bing, bing, like
just little slow thing.
You're like, oh, this is nice.
And he starts to speed up andyou're like ah, fuck, you get

(01:14:47):
sick again.
Dry, he, dry, he, dry, he dry,he.
We went through that cycle likesix, seven times that's crazy
that it was.

Speaker 1 (01:14:54):
It was the music dude , that's everything.
Talk about waves.

Speaker 3 (01:14:58):
The whole time I'm tripping so hard, the whole time
I'm thinking to myself why ishe only giving me attention and
I talk to everyone else?
They're like no, I thought thatWow, and I was like what the?
Anyway.
So the first night ends when heends the ceremony, you almost
like come out of the trip likepretty quick, and then they eat
fruit and whatever.

(01:15:19):
And I was like I just left thatnight and I was like that was
so chaotic.
So the next day I'm like Idon't even need to do it again.
I understand what it is.
It didn't really help menecessarily.
I understand it, I don't wantto do it again.
But then you're out in themiddle of the jungle.
You're there, You've paid themoney, You're like all right, we
got to go again See where we'regoing.

(01:15:39):
But the leaders say they'relike you will not have the same
trip, Right, you won't.
And I was like, okay.
So the second night I like wentinside.
Did anybody not show up?
The second night, everybody didit.

(01:15:59):
Okay, we did all three nights,okay.
The second night I just lied onthe mat still isn't, didn't
move and went through the samething, exact same thing what I
would.
He would play, I would dry heaveand I'm like what am I like?

Speaker 1 (01:16:09):
were you having all the same thoughts.
It was a resistance it.

Speaker 3 (01:16:13):
Something was like I couldn't let go of something
there was right, whatever it wasright but I was telling myself
I'm like dude, what is wrong?
Like let go.
That night I took three cupsthe pre the first night I took
three cups.
Second night I took three cups.
The end of the second night Iwent up to the shaman and I was
like dude, I can't break through, I feel like physically.

Speaker 1 (01:16:31):
You went up to him.

Speaker 3 (01:16:32):
Yes okay, after we were done okay and I was like I
feel like I'm like on theprecipice of something major
happening and I can't like Ican't vomit, I can't like I
can't let go, I'm just so tight.
He's like the third night.
He's like I'm gonna bring astronger brew and he's like
you're gonna have a breakthrough.
And he's like that night cuzthe first two nights you go

(01:16:53):
seven o'clock at night to one inthe morning he's all the third
night.
He's like we're gonna do nineo'clock at night to sunrise and
he's like that's a long fuckingtime dude, trust me, this is
much stronger than what you'vebeen taking, and so I was like,
all right, well, we have a daywhere we skip and we don't let
your body heal we just and dude.
The thing is, you're justmentally like fried oh, I can, I

(01:17:16):
can even imagine.
It just burned Because youdisassociate Like you think
you're never going back.
Right, you're in this trip modeand you're never going back to
regular life.
Left it all behind.
That's actually kind of scary.
It's super scary, yeah, soanyways.
So then the third night I comedown and I'm so like I don't

(01:17:36):
even have an intention, I'm justlike burned and I'm like I
don't care, Whatever happens,happens.

Speaker 1 (01:17:42):
You're exhausted, yep .

Speaker 3 (01:17:43):
So I take the first cup and within 10 minutes I'm
like, oh shit, this stuff is way, stronger Way stronger here we
go, here we go.
So we wait for an hour.
He opens it up.
I go get a second cup and then,dude, it felt like he was
playing, like he was like a band, like the sound was like a full

(01:18:05):
band.
He was controlling the wholeenvironment.
Got it and just taking youthrough.
By the way, he takes it tooDuring this.
He takes it with you, Wow.
So he's tripping too, but histrip is like helping you.
Right, he knows how to help you, because he's on the same
vibration.
Right, so I'm two cups in andI'm just like surfing the

(01:18:28):
internet, like freaking, goingeverywhere.
It's crazy Allowing, allowing,allowing, and then he's like and
then he didn't open it up for athird, but I like my.

Speaker 1 (01:18:40):
You wanted it.

Speaker 3 (01:18:41):
It's like go take a third cup.
I tried to stand up and Icouldn't.
I crawled over to him and I'mlike I want a third cup.
He's like okay, so he gives mea third cup.
And I crawl back.
I see another girl get up toget a third.
He's like no, no way.
So he gives me a third did youyourself at any time?

Speaker 1 (01:18:59):
no, okay, but I heard that that happens often.
The two ends right.

Speaker 3 (01:19:04):
It can come out of either end right or both,
potentially.
So I take the third and I liedown and I was listening to the
music and then this thought mydad died when I was 22.
Okay, and I did not have agreat relationship with him.
I'm laying there, he's playingthis soft sound and my dad comes

(01:19:25):
to my mind and I'm like man, Ijust wanted his approval and the
medicine said he was doing thebest that he could.
Right.
And I said I don't care, Iwanted his approval.
And the medicine said he wasdoing the best he could.
And the medicine said he wasdoing the best he could.
And the medicine said you meanlike you give your son your

(01:19:45):
approval and it just freakingstabbed.

Speaker 1 (01:19:48):
Oh man.

Speaker 3 (01:19:49):
And then it shoots back.
It shows me six generations.
It's like your dad wanted hisdad's approval.
His dad wanted his dad'sapproval Do you see what's
happening?

Speaker 1 (01:19:58):
Yeah, you're just continuing on.

Speaker 3 (01:20:00):
It's not stopping Right.
And your dad?
It only gave you what he had,right?
It's not his fault, right, heonly had what he had.
It's what he learned.
He learned that he couldn'tgive you anymore and I was like
holy shit, I'm like he didn'tknow.

Speaker 1 (01:20:15):
And that was the big was that the big uh-huh?

Speaker 3 (01:20:18):
So we're getting there.
I was like he wasn'tintentionally trying to hurt me.
He was just.
He really was doing the best hecould.
Right, the level of empathy Ihad for my dad was like through
the roof.
Wow, okay, dude, love waspouring out of my body for him.
I never felt that kind of lovefor him before.
Wow pouring out of my body forhim.

(01:20:39):
I never felt that kind of lovefor him before Wow and think
about it.

Speaker 1 (01:20:41):
He's your dad.

Speaker 3 (01:20:42):
Yeah, I loved him.
Yeah, like unconditionally yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:20:43):
I felt bad.
You understood him.

Speaker 3 (01:20:45):
Yeah, I felt bad for him.
I was like I'm sorry, dad, thatyou had to go through this
Right.
Then it shifts to my mom and Iwas like which mom?
My mom, okay.
And then I was like was likewhich mom?
My mom, okay.
And then I was like holy shit,she didn't know either and she
was just giving me the best thatshe could.

(01:21:06):
Then it goes to my brother.
Oh my God, he doesn't knoweither.
Wow, then it goes to everyone inmy circle, at my friends
including the, including the mom, that, that that molested you.
She didn't come up, but it kindof like it just went wider and
I was like, wait a minute, I'mlike none of these people know
it's the answer for everybody.
None of these people know Right.

(01:21:28):
They're just going off whatthey were given.
Then it goes out to the wholeentire world and, as it's going
out, I'm feeling love like I'venever felt, even people I didn't
really like.
I'm like, oh, now I know whyyou act like that.
Wow, because you don't knowRight.
And then it goes to the wholeentire world and I was like,
holy shit, the whole worlddoesn't know, wow.

(01:21:50):
And then it all sucks away and,dude, I was feeling love.
The word love doesn't evenencompass what I was feeling.
Okay, then you wanted it backand I relate it to how you feel
about your child the first timeyour child's born right, you
just feel like the level of loveyou feel for your child is like
crazy, right.
It was like that times 100 foreveryone, wow.

(01:22:12):
And then it all goes away andand I'm like what the heck?
And then the medicine says tome Thomas, you can give yourself
that love.
And then I had this a massiveamount of love for myself and
I'm like I don't know that I'menough.
Right, I am enough.
And it's like Thomas, you areenough, you're everything,

(01:22:34):
you're it, you have it now.
You don't have to become now,you don't have to become
anything, you don't have tolearn anything, you are it.

Speaker 1 (01:22:41):
Right now, Right now.

Speaker 3 (01:22:43):
And then I was like oh, my God, I'm finally healed.
And it's like no, no, you neverneeded to be healed, you just
needed to remember Wow.
And I was like holy fuckingshit.
And I was like I have to tellpeople, I have to tell, I have
to tell.
And then it's like do you seewhat's happened?
You wrote your book.
Do you know why?
It's like everything in yourlife, every single thing you

(01:23:06):
went through, is perfect, right,because it all it drove you to
where you were, and guess what?
When you go tell your story,people will fucking listen
because of everything you'vebeen through and everything you

(01:23:26):
overcome Divorce, death, loss ofchildren you freaking name it.
Like I have been througheverything overcome addiction,
cults, molestation, you name it.
Millions of lives have beenthrough this.
If you tell me a problem, I canmost likely directly relate to
it and that I've been through it.

Speaker 1 (01:23:35):
Right, okay, talk about a shaman.

Speaker 3 (01:23:38):
So it tells me.
It's like tell your story, go,tell your story, tell it to as
many people as you can.
So then I'm just like I'msitting there and I'm like I
need to go, I need to leave.
Now.
I need to tell everyone because, because it was so obvious to
me everyone's suffering, becauseit was so obvious to me

(01:23:59):
everyone's suffering, it was socrystal clear that all anyone
needs to do is go insidethemselves and they will solve
every single quote unquoteproblem they have, because
everything is designed aroundvalidation.
Am I good enough?
Am I good enough?
Yes, you are good enough.
It doesn't matter what anyoneelse thinks, it doesn't matter
what you look like.
You're it, you're good enough,you're 100%, you are it.

(01:24:21):
Yep, you just have to rememberthat.
Now, believing that is another.

Speaker 1 (01:24:28):
Right.
How do you get people to that?
Connecting to that.

Speaker 3 (01:24:30):
So then it showed me it's like this whole, like
affirmations like you write onyou write on.

Speaker 1 (01:24:37):
We do them every day.

Speaker 3 (01:24:38):
Yeah, you put it on your.
You put it on your wall and yousay I am beautiful, I love
myself.
It was like that's ridiculous.
Why do you need to tellyourself that you love yourself?
You like, do you need to tellyourself that you love your
child?
Do you need to write a thingand say, okay, I remember that I
love my child?
What the the heck?
You shouldn't have to do thatright now.

(01:24:59):
How?
Now that's the first wake-upcall and saying, like, okay, if
I feel like I have to do that,what are the false beliefs in my
life that I have about myselfthat make me not believe that
I'm enough?
right it all comes fromchildhood right it all comes
from the world telling us we'renot a lot, we're not enough,
we're not enough, we're notenough car, you need a, you need
a hot wife, you need this, youneed that.

(01:25:21):
Then what happens to those richpeople that get that and then
end up killing themselves?
Right, it's not enough, it's notenough, because the only thing
that is enough is you Right.
That's it.
That's the only thing that willvalidate you ever.
Nothing else will validate you.
You have, you have to validateyourself right.
So how do you go on thatjourney of becoming that?
So I've created courses on like.

(01:25:44):
How do you, how do you like,start this process of like,
unlearning these beliefs?
I believe that going and doingayahuasca is not it, it won't.
I know people who've done itnine, ten, twelve times and
still don't get what I haveright.

Speaker 1 (01:25:54):
It was just perfect for you in that point the
medicine where you, medicinewill give you what you're ready
to receive.

Speaker 3 (01:26:00):
That's it.
It doesn't matter if you do 50drinks of it, it doesn't matter.
It will give you what you'reready to receive.
Because here's the thing, youare a God.
You're a God in the sense thatwhatever you believe is reality,
right.
You're so powerful that you canbelieve that you're not a God.
Right, and it will be, becausethat's how powerful you are,

(01:26:21):
right.
So if you can learn who you are, remember who you are, then you
get to this place, dude, whereI'm telling you nothing matters,
right.
And here's the example.
Oh wait, let me tell this storyreally quick, right?
And here's the example.
Oh wait, let me tell this storyreally quick.
So then, once I saw this and Iwas like holy cow, the medicine
then proceeded to show me myentire future until I leave this

(01:26:44):
earth.
And when I say leave this earth, I did not die.
I vibrated out.
Wow, I literally saw myselfvibrating out of this world,
like I vibrated so high that Ijust left the plane.
I just left, wow, I can't behere anymore because I'm such a
high vibration.
But it's a long time until thatcomes Right.

(01:27:04):
And it showed me.
It was like you meet this littleHispanic girl and when you meet
her, she becomes youreverything, meaning you never
want to be with someone else.
She like fulfills that desireyou have for a companion.
Right, not fulfill you, butfulfill your desire for a
companion.
And she will love you the waythat you've never been loved by
anyone else, because you'rebeing who you truly are.

(01:27:27):
Right, you're on that vibration.
Now you can receive that person.
Well, I get out of the thingand I'm just like, oh my gosh,
it took me weeks to like comedown.
Right, I would wake up likebuzzing from from the whole
situation.
I just couldn't even likecollect my thoughts.
I'm like, oh my gosh, this, Idon't even know what to do.
I didn't have a job, Right.

(01:27:48):
So then I'm like okay, well, I'mjust going to like try to like
start creating stuff, to likeget out to the world.
So I have like a podcast, right, and like this and like that.
Then, all of a sudden, out ofnowhere, a friend calls me.
He's like hey, these guys needa sales rep at this software
company.
Are you interested?
I was like I'll take the call.
Took the call, didn't even talkabout my.
I told them my ayahuasca trip.

(01:28:08):
I told them my trip.
They gave me the job.
Wow.
Then I worked for them for ayear.
They get all of us on a calland lay us all off all sales
people, the whole salesleadership, everything.
When that happened, the wholetime I was developed, I was
doing my podcast, I wasdeveloping like my course, not
stuff.
When they laid me off, I waslike awesome, I'm trying to do
this.
Right, I didn't have money.
In fact, my bank account wasdwindling.

(01:28:30):
I didn't care.
It doesn't matter, and whatmatters is if I help another.
You're on a higher purpose.
That's, that's what matters,yep.
So I'm going along doing that.
The CRO of a big startup that Igot laid off from.
Before I went into ayahuasca,they hired a new CRO.
This guy's famous for takingMongoDB public.
He DMs me on LinkedIn and says,hey, I want to talk to you.

(01:28:52):
Will you fly to New York andtalk to me?
And I was like what the fuck?
Why?

Speaker 1 (01:28:56):
does he want to talk to me?

Speaker 3 (01:28:58):
But, dude, I think about it.
I didn't apply for anything, Ididn't do anything.
He flies me out.
We talk for about 45 minutesabout work and about an hour,
three hours and 45 minutes aboutmy Ayahuasca trip my journey,
all this stuff, your purpose?
They hired me, they bring me onboard, they give me all these
products and they set me up on acomp plan where my first
quarter I made $80,000 incommission on top of my salary.

(01:29:21):
Wow, I didn't even do anything,right.
I did nothing and I don't care.

Speaker 1 (01:29:27):
It just fell into place.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 3 (01:29:28):
Right, Because I have a mission and that's what I
need to do so.
The universe just brings youshit.
It just gives it to you.
You listening to this, I am,but I am it only when you match
the resonance of I'm enough, Iam in abundance of that Right.
Then abundance comes to you.
And what I want is not I don'tcare about money, I care about

(01:29:49):
how do I help someone?
Yep, how do what can I say?
What can I do?
How can I help them.
Well, four months after I leftayahuasca, I meet, I go on a
date with a girl five foot tall,98 pound, hispanic girl.
I did not connect the dots,dude.
We, from that weekend that wemet, we saw each other every
weekend up until this day.

(01:30:11):
That was almost two years ago.
We're engaged now.
I told her my whole story rightwhen we met and I told her I
said if you ever want to do anytype of type of psychedelics,
tell me and I'll take you on ajourney, but I'll never, ever,
ever force you to do anything.
You need to tell me if you wantto do it Right.
Well, about three months latershe's like I want to try it,

(01:30:32):
like great, we go in, we'redoing it.
And I look at her and I'm likeholy shit.

Speaker 1 (01:30:39):
It's her.
You're the girl.
It's her Because I went rightback into my ayahuasca, right.

Speaker 3 (01:30:43):
I went right back into it and I was like, oh my
God, this is the girl.
Like I was flipping out.
Oh, I'm sure I was like this isfreaking wild dude.
So now I'm so in belief of likejust she came into your life
because you opened that door broright when I was ready to
receive it I wouldn't even havereceived it before I did yeah
right when I was ready toreceive it, it came my little

(01:31:05):
brother wrote down Don MiguelRuiz.

Speaker 1 (01:31:09):
Who's that?
I've heard the name, um neverheard of it.
I have no idea.
I know the name.
This is officially our longestepisode ever.
Sorry.

Speaker 3 (01:31:18):
No, you're good dude, I love this.

Speaker 1 (01:31:20):
I love this.
We're going to have you back onbecause we haven't even talked
about your book, unless this isall your book.

Speaker 3 (01:31:25):
There's tons of stuff , dude.
I mean I could just go on.
I could go on for days talkingabout this man.
Because the thing is, since thenI've elevated it, like it like
even more oh, I'm sure where Iam every day.
You are, I understand that like.
So, when you start to, when youstart to like, when you stop
lying to yourself, okay, and youstart to be brutally honest

(01:31:47):
with yourself and you start totake accountability for
everything, what you realize isthat your gut, filling your
intuition, that small voice,it's always been there.
We all felt it we've all saidin hindsight man, should I
listen to my gut feeling?
yep okay that thing.
When you start to vibrate, youstart to realize that thing is

(01:32:09):
talking to you, all, all thetime and if you listen to it and
you follow it, you start tocreate an intimate relationship
with it to the level you have atrusted advisor with you at all
times and you're feeling in.
Your vibration tells youexactly how to be in, exactly
what to do at all times.

Speaker 1 (01:32:25):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (01:32:26):
To where you have no fear.
It, eliminates it becauseyou're like, oh, this is for me
If something bad is trust trustit completely my mom, just
barely passed away a month ago.
Super hard thing, yeah, losingyour mother, right, her and I I
years ago I said, cause her andI did not have a good

(01:32:46):
relationship, I decided I waslike I want a good relationship
with her and I'm going to change.
So I changed the way that Ibehaved with her.
When she died, her and I hadthe best relationship.
We were so tight.
She never gave me praise andshe was giving me praise
constantly, all the time, notbecause I asked her to do

(01:33:07):
anything or we had to come toJesus.

Speaker 1 (01:33:08):
It's how you interacted with it.

Speaker 3 (01:33:10):
I changed and it created a better relationship.
Yep, so when I talk aboutvibration, you start to see
you're like, oh my gosh.
Then what you realize is why doyou think?
Like people follow Steve Jobsor Elon Musk, those guys get to
a point where they actuallydon't care about money.

(01:33:31):
They have a mission and theyhave a belief.
Nothing can change them.
Right, they don't care.
Right, people are so attractedto that because all that is, is
they believe in, they know.

Speaker 1 (01:33:44):
Certainty.
Exactly, they know themselvesExactly.
That's it.
That's it.
That's all it is.
I believe that.

Speaker 3 (01:33:50):
Because then they attract that right.
And it's this vibration,everybody wants it, they want to
be around it.
It's this vibration, everybodywants it, they want to be around
it, they want to be in businesswith it.
They want to.
They want to be like it.
What they don't understand isthat it's all inner work Right.
It's not anything else Right.
Once you get there, it doesn'tmatter what happens outside of
you.

Speaker 1 (01:34:07):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:34:08):
Because you know you're enough.

Speaker 1 (01:34:10):
Jeez the dog.
I think he's got to go out.

Speaker 3 (01:34:20):
Will you come back on our show?
Okay, man, are you still?

Speaker 1 (01:34:21):
doing your podcast.
Yeah, I just did one yesterday.
Cool, we want to come on yoursyou can tell us more there yeah,
absolutely.
I'll work with you to yeahabsolutely, I want to go show
you the room upstairs.
We talked about the men's group.
I want to get talking about.
Yeah, let's do it.
Okay, I'm sorry to cut you off,but man, we're.
This is by far our longest one,I think.

Speaker 3 (01:34:37):
Thanks for coming in, brother.

Speaker 1 (01:34:39):
Seriously.

Speaker 3 (01:34:39):
Thank you for letting me share my story.

Speaker 1 (01:34:41):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:34:42):
Really, guys.
That's what fulfills me morethan anything.
If one person gets one littlething that makes them go a
degree better, it's like success.

Speaker 1 (01:34:50):
It's totally that.
Exactly that's success.
I guess this Don Miguel Ruiz.
He's an author that taught mylittle brother a lot of these
truths through his books.

Speaker 3 (01:35:00):
And that's what we were talking about earlier.
Truth everything I'm sayingit's not a methodology and it's
not what I came up with.
There is a single truth.

Speaker 1 (01:35:08):
It's not even woo-woo .

Speaker 3 (01:35:10):
It's truth.
It's truth.
If you read other books, you'llsee things and you'll be like,
oh, that's what Tom was talkingabout Right, it's right, it's
all the same.

Speaker 1 (01:35:18):
Awesome.
Well, thank you everybody forlistening in.
I told you this cat was goingto be good.
I like him.
We're going to find out more.
We got to get you involved inwhat we're doing way more, so
trust me and we'll help you withyour mission as well.
Love it All.
Right, everybody.
Thank you so much.
We appreciate it.
Have a fantastic weekend Nextweek, have a killer week and we

(01:35:41):
will see you next Friday.

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Beards On The Street - Episode 112… Live in studio with Thomas Dockstader

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Beards On The Street - Episode 112… Live in studio with Thomas Dockstader