February 12, 2025 • 23 mins
In this milestone 300th episode of Beautifully Complex, I’m going deep into the misconceptions that many of us face raising neurodivergent kids and that unjustly limit our children’s potential.
Join me as I bust the top 5 myths that hurt neurodivergent kids and then provide strategies to challenge outdated thinking and empower your journey as a parent. We’ll tackle the misconception that neurodivergent kids just need to try harder, reveal why success doesn’t hinge on fitting in, and highlight the myriad paths to achieving a fulfilled life beyond traditional ideas. Learn why discipline isn't the answer and discover how advocating for accommodations can level the playing field, not create unfair advantages.
In this episode, you’ll find practical, step-by-step advice to build a neuro-affirming environment, encouraging your child to be authentically themselves. By recognizing and celebrating strengths, we can foster a sense of self-trust and inspire hope for a bright future.
Whether you’re looking for validation, guidance, or actionable tips, this episode is your go-to resource for fostering success and understanding for neurodivergent children. Let’s equip ourselves with the tools to support our kids right where they are and navigate the beautifully complex world of neurodivergence together.
Tune in and transform your parenting mindset with expertise honed from personal experience and the trenches of neurodivergent parenting.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/300
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
Join me as I bust the top 5 myths that hurt neurodivergent kids and then provide strategies to challenge outdated thinking and empower your journey as a parent. We’ll tackle the misconception that neurodivergent kids just need to try harder, reveal why success doesn’t hinge on fitting in, and highlight the myriad paths to achieving a fulfilled life beyond traditional ideas. Learn why discipline isn't the answer and discover how advocating for accommodations can level the playing field, not create unfair advantages.
In this episode, you’ll find practical, step-by-step advice to build a neuro-affirming environment, encouraging your child to be authentically themselves. By recognizing and celebrating strengths, we can foster a sense of self-trust and inspire hope for a bright future.
Whether you’re looking for validation, guidance, or actionable tips, this episode is your go-to resource for fostering success and understanding for neurodivergent children. Let’s equip ourselves with the tools to support our kids right where they are and navigate the beautifully complex world of neurodivergence together.
Tune in and transform your parenting mindset with expertise honed from personal experience and the trenches of neurodivergent parenting.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/300
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Society is a group of individuals. Schools are groups of individuals.
We are raising individuals, so kids need different things to
figure out their best path. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast,
where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids
(00:26):
straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm
a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's
get started. Hi, everyone, Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I
(00:48):
am going to do a very special episode because this
is episode three hundred. I have now recorded for you
three hundred episode modes of Beautifully Complex and it has
been a real journey and a learning, a growth experience
(01:09):
and really fulfilling for me to be able to help
so many families like mine that have been struggling. So
for episode three hundred, I want to tackle some myths
about neuro divergence because there are many beliefs that are
(01:31):
still happening every day all around us that limit our kids,
limit us as parents, and cause a lot of struggle
and hardship for people who don't need it nor deserve it.
And I really wanted to talk about this in particular
(01:54):
to challenge outdated thinking and to empower you with facts
and strategies that really truly support our neuro divergent kids.
Parenting neurodivergent kids is really hard. It comes with a
lot of unique challenges, but also with so many incredible
(02:18):
strengths and gifts. I would not be the person that
I am today without having a neurodiversent kid. I just
wouldn't be. He has taught me so many things about
being a human being, about the stories of others, about
judgment and compassionate empathy, and validation and pressure in all
(02:42):
of these things that I just have such a different
perspective on now, and I'm so very thankful for that.
So as I love to you on the podcast, Let's
bust the top five myths that really hurt our neurodivergent kids,
and they're a virgin adults and talk about some things
(03:04):
that we maybe should do instead or could do instead.
Number one, and this is probably my number one pet peeve,
they just need to try harder. Our kids don't need
to try harder. They are trying very hard. They are
trying so much harder than most people in their life
(03:28):
notice or give them credit for they are working very hard.
One day, when my kid was I would say fourth grade,
maybe fifth grade, he came home from school and there
was something about school that I needed to talk to
him about. I probably had an email from a teacher
(03:49):
or a call from a teacher. And I had learned
already not to take everything from one side of the
story only. I had learned to not be judgmental and
really listen. And he began to cry, and he said,
nobody understands how hard I am trying. Nobody understands, nobody
(04:13):
sees it. And that was a real eye opener for me.
Our kids are trying very hard. All kids want to succeed.
As Ross Green has taught us, kids do well if
they can, not when they can not if they want to.
Kids do well if they can. That means that their
(04:39):
intention is to do well ninety nine point nine nine
nine percent of the time. So effort isn't the issue
with ADHD, autism, anxiety. It's not the effort. It's their
brain wiring, it's their executive functioning, it is their nervous
system and regulation. Struggles with attention, emotional regulation, or learning
(05:06):
are not laziness. Folks, please share this with everyone you know.
It's not laziness, it's neurological, not lazy neurological. Some supportive
strategies you can use when it feels like a kid
isn't trying hard enough. Scaffold the task, support where they
(05:30):
are and the help and accommodation that they need. Provide
some regulation strategies and the time and space to get
regulated and validate their experience. I see that you're trying
really hard. I get that nobody sees how hard you're trying.
(05:51):
Trying isn't the issue, and I get it. So how
can I help you? What can we do to support
you and provide the strategies and tools you need to
succeed in this area where people feel like you're not
trying hard enough? Makes sense? Myth number two neurodivergent kids
(06:13):
need to fit in or act neurotypical in order to
be successful. That is so wholly untrue, folks, completely and
utterly untrue. We want our kids to be authentically themselves.
We don't want them to pretend to be somebody they're not.
(06:37):
Success isn't about masking or conforming. It's about embracing strengths
and crafting a life that works for that individual. Forcing
kids to act neurotypical leads them to burnout, to anxiety,
to low self esteem, to depression, to giving up, and
(07:01):
to stop trying altogether. Right, if you keep trying and trying,
and you're trying so hard and nobody ever sees it
and you never succeed, how long until you quit trying?
SAME's true for our kids. People, Some supportive strategies show
up neuro affirming, create neuro affirming environments for your kid, home, family, school, community,
(07:33):
celebrate their neurodivergence, Advocate for accommodations and model acceptance. I
want to say that again, Celebrate their neurodivergence, celebrate the
amazing individual that they are. Advocate for them for accommodations
(07:55):
and model self acceptance. That's how we get over the
hurdle of giving the idea that they must fit in
to be successful. Number three and this is one. These
all drive me crazy. That's what I'm talking about them. Right,
every time I'm like, oh, this one really gets me.
(08:17):
All five of these really get me. I get really
upset about them. And that's why we're here to bust
these myths. To help you find ways to overcome these
myths that we have all around us. So number three,
there's only one path to success, I call BS. Some
(08:40):
people would not, but we all should because that's the truth.
There are many, many different ways to success. There are
so many people who had terrible grades in school who
are happy, successful adults, neurotypical, NERD, divergent, it doesn't matter,
but that is the truth of the matter. You don't
(09:02):
have to get good grades in high school and go
to college and get a four year degree to be
a happy, successful adult, period, end of discussion. It is
just not true. Traditional schooling, college, and nine to five
jobs don't work for everyone. Imagine if they did, how
(09:22):
boring would the world be. How many community services and
things would be totally out of whack. We would have
lawlessness and trash everywhere, and it would just be bonkers.
There is a place for everyone, and they need to
find the place that fits for them. Success looks totally
(09:47):
different for each individual. Entrepreneurship, creative work, specialized fields, and
alternative education paths are all valid, as you all probably
know if you've listened to it any other episodes of
this podcast that are recent. My kid is a young
adult and we are trying to give opportunities, explore different
(10:08):
ideas and figure out what kind of job or career
he would like to have. And over the last week
we have been looking into surgical technician. He definitely needs
to be in a helper field. It lights him up
to be a helper and he is so kind and
compassionate and empathetic, and he can have a career that's
(10:32):
also an outlet for that that uses that strength. He's
decided that nursing isn't quite the right fit because while
he's good with blood, he's not really excited about other
bodily fluids and things like that. And so we were
looking at things that are sort of aligned with nursing
and found surgical technician. And let me just tell you,
(10:54):
folks here in my area in North Carolina, it is
a two year associate's degree at the community college, which
is very inexpensive, less than ten grand, probably far less
than ten grand versus a different state supported school with
(11:16):
housing and food and everything for four years at ninety grand.
And the pay the starting pay for a surgical technician
is forty three dollars an hour. In the US, it
can go up to one hundred grand a year for
a two year degree, and he's pretty dang excited about that.
(11:37):
That could definitely be a successful path if he enjoys it,
and it didn't require good grades in high school, and
it doesn't require a four year college degree. And I
know many people with four year college degrees that don't
make near that much money. You don't have stable income,
(11:58):
and that would provide a stay income. And income isn't
the only measure of success here, people. I am the
first one to tell you that being comfortable financially is important.
Being stable financially is important. What's more important is that
you enjoy the work that you're doing, because that's what
(12:19):
brings real joy. So some supportive strategies for this myth
about one and only one path to success. Identify your
kid's strengths and interests, find out what brings them joy,
what lights them up, what would they like to do
on a regular basis. Explore unconventional paths. There's community college,
(12:45):
there's mentorship. There's getting in on the ground level and
being an assistant in something and working your way up.
There's networking and finding an ally in the area that
you'd like to work. And there's so many opportunities here
to have a more unconventional path to success. And the
(13:10):
first and foremost really thing you have to do is
to let go of societal expectations. You just got to
let go. You know what's right for your kid. Other
people may not. You know what's true and not true.
You have to let that go. There's not only one path.
(13:32):
I promise you, there's not only one path. And your
kid needs.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
To lead to discover the path that is right for them.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
All right. Our fourth myth that we are going to
challenge and bust wide open here. And this is when
I hear from parents so often needs more discipline. Don't
you love that one? Doesn't that one just make your
skin crawl? Your kid just needs more discipline? No, they don't.
(14:11):
Discipline is not the answer. We have such a crime
and punishment society. It's crime and punishment for actual crime, right,
But so often we're criminalizing behavior that isn't really criminal.
There's crime and punishment in parenting. I'm going to tell
you what to do. You're going to follow these rules
(14:31):
or else you get this punishment and punishment and discipline
are there to teach a child not to do the
same thing? Twice. But if you've got an impulsive kid,
a clinically impulsive kid, they can't stop and think about that.
It's not going to work for them. But instead of
(14:52):
going down the discipline path, we need to go down
the behavior as communication path. The let's look at the
science of behavior, let's look at the automatic nervous system.
Let's look at regulation and dysregulation. I teach people to
stop saying good and bad behavior. It's regulated behavior and
(15:13):
disregulated behavior. That's it. Let's take the judgment out of it.
More discipline is never the answer, and in fact, it's
often more dysregulating, which makes things less doable for your kids.
Many challenging behaviors are these instinctual nervous system responses. It
(15:34):
is not intentional. It's not intentional. It's happened, whether it
was the right thing or the wrong thing, It broke
a rule or didn't break a role, whatever, it's born
out of dysregulation as a nervous system response to perceived danger,
not having felt safety. So punishment isn't going to help
(15:57):
a disregulated child, never, never, never. But understanding and regulation
tools will help a dysregulated child. And when they get regulated,
what happens. Behavior improves because things are doable, and their
alarm in their nervous system isn't just screaming at them
(16:17):
that there's danger and they must either fight or flee
or freeze. Right. And then our last and fifth myth,
it comes around accommodations, and there's really two myths wrapped
up in this one. One is that accommodations are unfair.
Please please, please please. It's unfair to not have a
(16:41):
neurotypical brain and be told that you have to succeed
in a school system designed for neurotypical brains. That's what's unfair.
And the second myth is that if we accommodate too much,
then kids don't learn resilience, they don't learn how to
challenge themselves grow, which is also just not true. Accommodations
(17:04):
actually level the playing field. They're not an unfair advantage.
They're like putting on eyeglasses when you can't see. They're
just leveling the playing field. Kids need different things to
reach their full potential. You and I need different things
to reach our full potential. What may have helped you
(17:26):
figure out your place in the world as an adult
may not have helped me at all. Or vice versa.
Individuals here are people. Society is a group of individuals.
Schools are groups of individuals. We are raising individuals, so
kids need different things to figure out their best path.
(17:50):
We can advocate confidently for accommodations and educate others on
why they matter. We can also educate others on the
fact that resilience comes from being supported, not struggling alone.
Support not being alone. Meeting needs builds confidence and self trust,
(18:13):
and that leads to long term independence. Meeting needs builds
confidence and self trust. Think about that for a minute.
Self trust. Many many, many of our kids who are
nerdivergent struggle with self trust. They don't trust themselves to
make decisions. They don't trust themselves to be able to succeed,
(18:37):
because that's what messages they're getting. So we can provide scaffolding. Remember,
scaffolding is support that we put up as it's needed,
and then we can start to take it away piece
by peace when that is doable, when a kid can
still succeed, when we start pulling back the scaffolding and
(19:01):
the support, we can encourage self advocacy, especially in my
own experiences with the school. If my kid told them
he needed something and I told them he needed the
same thing. They were much more likely to listen if
it came from him than if it came from me,
because they think parents just love their kids and want
(19:21):
everything to be easy. And I get how it can
feel like that and how it can sound like that.
We ask for accommodations and so forth. So self advocacy
is key to life success. We have to be able
to ask for what we need when we need it,
and be able to support that request. Why do I
need to email my assignments in instead of turn in papers?
(19:46):
Why do I need to have a digital device out
in the field at my job instead of shuffling and
writing on paper. Stuff like that. It's really important we
advocate for ourselves throughout our whole lives. We need to
teach that early for our kids so they can get
the accommodations they need to succeed. And then we need
(20:07):
to gradually build skills in a safe environment. How do
we build skills in a safe environment. They have to
be doable and just write challenges, But the whole key
to building skills is that safe environment. If a kid
doesn't feel safe physically, socially, psychologically, emotionally, mentally. Then they
(20:36):
are not available to learn. Their nervous system is just regulated,
their thinking brain is offline. They cannot learn new skills.
Safety is paramount, a sense of felt safety is paramount.
So those are our five myths, and I hope that
(20:57):
I have sufficiently and effectively busted them for you, and
that you no longer believe any of these things if
you even did, or that they are validating exactly how
you feel and exactly why hearing these things gets you
and your kid upset. I want to encourage you to
(21:21):
shift your mindset from fixing to understanding and empowering your kid.
Help your kid feel seen, heard, understood, and valued, and
that will empower them to live well in a neurotypical
world and to be themselves in that neurotypical world. What
(21:47):
myth really resonated with you most? What do you hear
most often? What makes you upset most often? Or maybe
what did you believe that now you realize is false?
And then what's one thing that you're gonna shift about
your thinking around these concepts and ideas? This week? You
(22:08):
can go to the show notes and answer those question
that love to chat with you there. It's at PARENTINGADHD
NOSS dot com slash three zero zero because this is
episode three hundred and I have a special download, free
download for you there on the three hundredth episode. It
(22:29):
is three hundred small winds ideas, and I hope you'll
go there and grab that and start implementing them. They
are all simple, easy ways to get some quick wins,
some small wins that will help to build more and
more wins for your kid and for your family. Right
(22:51):
because we are a collective unit. I hope to see
you on the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for
joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed
this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to
check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD
(23:13):
and Autism dot com and at the Behavior Revolution dot com.
Society is a group of individuals. Schools are groups of individuals.
We are raising individuals, so kids need different things to
figure out their best path. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast,
where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids
(00:26):
straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm
a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's
get started. Hi, everyone, Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I
(00:48):
am going to do a very special episode because this
is episode three hundred. I have now recorded for you
three hundred episode modes of Beautifully Complex and it has
been a real journey and a learning, a growth experience
(01:09):
and really fulfilling for me to be able to help
so many families like mine that have been struggling. So
for episode three hundred, I want to tackle some myths
about neuro divergence because there are many beliefs that are
(01:31):
still happening every day all around us that limit our kids,
limit us as parents, and cause a lot of struggle
and hardship for people who don't need it nor deserve it.
And I really wanted to talk about this in particular
(01:54):
to challenge outdated thinking and to empower you with facts
and strategies that really truly support our neuro divergent kids.
Parenting neurodivergent kids is really hard. It comes with a
lot of unique challenges, but also with so many incredible
(02:18):
strengths and gifts. I would not be the person that
I am today without having a neurodiversent kid. I just
wouldn't be. He has taught me so many things about
being a human being, about the stories of others, about
judgment and compassionate empathy, and validation and pressure in all
(02:42):
of these things that I just have such a different
perspective on now, and I'm so very thankful for that.
So as I love to you on the podcast, Let's
bust the top five myths that really hurt our neurodivergent kids,
and they're a virgin adults and talk about some things
(03:04):
that we maybe should do instead or could do instead.
Number one, and this is probably my number one pet peeve,
they just need to try harder. Our kids don't need
to try harder. They are trying very hard. They are
trying so much harder than most people in their life
(03:28):
notice or give them credit for they are working very hard.
One day, when my kid was I would say fourth grade,
maybe fifth grade, he came home from school and there
was something about school that I needed to talk to
him about. I probably had an email from a teacher
(03:49):
or a call from a teacher. And I had learned
already not to take everything from one side of the
story only. I had learned to not be judgmental and
really listen. And he began to cry, and he said,
nobody understands how hard I am trying. Nobody understands, nobody
(04:13):
sees it. And that was a real eye opener for me.
Our kids are trying very hard. All kids want to succeed.
As Ross Green has taught us, kids do well if
they can, not when they can not if they want to.
Kids do well if they can. That means that their
(04:39):
intention is to do well ninety nine point nine nine
nine percent of the time. So effort isn't the issue
with ADHD, autism, anxiety. It's not the effort. It's their
brain wiring, it's their executive functioning, it is their nervous
system and regulation. Struggles with attention, emotional regulation, or learning
(05:06):
are not laziness. Folks, please share this with everyone you know.
It's not laziness, it's neurological, not lazy neurological. Some supportive
strategies you can use when it feels like a kid
isn't trying hard enough. Scaffold the task, support where they
(05:30):
are and the help and accommodation that they need. Provide
some regulation strategies and the time and space to get
regulated and validate their experience. I see that you're trying
really hard. I get that nobody sees how hard you're trying.
(05:51):
Trying isn't the issue, and I get it. So how
can I help you? What can we do to support
you and provide the strategies and tools you need to
succeed in this area where people feel like you're not
trying hard enough? Makes sense? Myth number two neurodivergent kids
(06:13):
need to fit in or act neurotypical in order to
be successful. That is so wholly untrue, folks, completely and
utterly untrue. We want our kids to be authentically themselves.
We don't want them to pretend to be somebody they're not.
(06:37):
Success isn't about masking or conforming. It's about embracing strengths
and crafting a life that works for that individual. Forcing
kids to act neurotypical leads them to burnout, to anxiety,
to low self esteem, to depression, to giving up, and
(07:01):
to stop trying altogether. Right, if you keep trying and trying,
and you're trying so hard and nobody ever sees it
and you never succeed, how long until you quit trying?
SAME's true for our kids. People, Some supportive strategies show
up neuro affirming, create neuro affirming environments for your kid, home, family, school, community,
(07:33):
celebrate their neurodivergence, Advocate for accommodations and model acceptance. I
want to say that again, Celebrate their neurodivergence, celebrate the
amazing individual that they are. Advocate for them for accommodations
(07:55):
and model self acceptance. That's how we get over the
hurdle of giving the idea that they must fit in
to be successful. Number three and this is one. These
all drive me crazy. That's what I'm talking about them. Right,
every time I'm like, oh, this one really gets me.
(08:17):
All five of these really get me. I get really
upset about them. And that's why we're here to bust
these myths. To help you find ways to overcome these
myths that we have all around us. So number three,
there's only one path to success, I call BS. Some
(08:40):
people would not, but we all should because that's the truth.
There are many, many different ways to success. There are
so many people who had terrible grades in school who
are happy, successful adults, neurotypical, NERD, divergent, it doesn't matter,
but that is the truth of the matter. You don't
(09:02):
have to get good grades in high school and go
to college and get a four year degree to be
a happy, successful adult, period, end of discussion. It is
just not true. Traditional schooling, college, and nine to five
jobs don't work for everyone. Imagine if they did, how
(09:22):
boring would the world be. How many community services and
things would be totally out of whack. We would have
lawlessness and trash everywhere, and it would just be bonkers.
There is a place for everyone, and they need to
find the place that fits for them. Success looks totally
(09:47):
different for each individual. Entrepreneurship, creative work, specialized fields, and
alternative education paths are all valid, as you all probably
know if you've listened to it any other episodes of
this podcast that are recent. My kid is a young
adult and we are trying to give opportunities, explore different
(10:08):
ideas and figure out what kind of job or career
he would like to have. And over the last week
we have been looking into surgical technician. He definitely needs
to be in a helper field. It lights him up
to be a helper and he is so kind and
compassionate and empathetic, and he can have a career that's
(10:32):
also an outlet for that that uses that strength. He's
decided that nursing isn't quite the right fit because while
he's good with blood, he's not really excited about other
bodily fluids and things like that. And so we were
looking at things that are sort of aligned with nursing
and found surgical technician. And let me just tell you,
(10:54):
folks here in my area in North Carolina, it is
a two year associate's degree at the community college, which
is very inexpensive, less than ten grand, probably far less
than ten grand versus a different state supported school with
(11:16):
housing and food and everything for four years at ninety grand.
And the pay the starting pay for a surgical technician
is forty three dollars an hour. In the US, it
can go up to one hundred grand a year for
a two year degree, and he's pretty dang excited about that.
(11:37):
That could definitely be a successful path if he enjoys it,
and it didn't require good grades in high school, and
it doesn't require a four year college degree. And I
know many people with four year college degrees that don't
make near that much money. You don't have stable income,
(11:58):
and that would provide a stay income. And income isn't
the only measure of success here, people. I am the
first one to tell you that being comfortable financially is important.
Being stable financially is important. What's more important is that
you enjoy the work that you're doing, because that's what
(12:19):
brings real joy. So some supportive strategies for this myth
about one and only one path to success. Identify your
kid's strengths and interests, find out what brings them joy,
what lights them up, what would they like to do
on a regular basis. Explore unconventional paths. There's community college,
(12:45):
there's mentorship. There's getting in on the ground level and
being an assistant in something and working your way up.
There's networking and finding an ally in the area that
you'd like to work. And there's so many opportunities here
to have a more unconventional path to success. And the
(13:10):
first and foremost really thing you have to do is
to let go of societal expectations. You just got to
let go. You know what's right for your kid. Other
people may not. You know what's true and not true.
You have to let that go. There's not only one path.
(13:32):
I promise you, there's not only one path. And your
kid needs.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
To lead to discover the path that is right for them.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
All right. Our fourth myth that we are going to
challenge and bust wide open here. And this is when
I hear from parents so often needs more discipline. Don't
you love that one? Doesn't that one just make your
skin crawl? Your kid just needs more discipline? No, they don't.
(14:11):
Discipline is not the answer. We have such a crime
and punishment society. It's crime and punishment for actual crime, right,
But so often we're criminalizing behavior that isn't really criminal.
There's crime and punishment in parenting. I'm going to tell
you what to do. You're going to follow these rules
(14:31):
or else you get this punishment and punishment and discipline
are there to teach a child not to do the
same thing? Twice. But if you've got an impulsive kid,
a clinically impulsive kid, they can't stop and think about that.
It's not going to work for them. But instead of
(14:52):
going down the discipline path, we need to go down
the behavior as communication path. The let's look at the
science of behavior, let's look at the automatic nervous system.
Let's look at regulation and dysregulation. I teach people to
stop saying good and bad behavior. It's regulated behavior and
(15:13):
disregulated behavior. That's it. Let's take the judgment out of it.
More discipline is never the answer, and in fact, it's
often more dysregulating, which makes things less doable for your kids.
Many challenging behaviors are these instinctual nervous system responses. It
(15:34):
is not intentional. It's not intentional. It's happened, whether it
was the right thing or the wrong thing, It broke
a rule or didn't break a role, whatever, it's born
out of dysregulation as a nervous system response to perceived danger,
not having felt safety. So punishment isn't going to help
(15:57):
a disregulated child, never, never, never. But understanding and regulation
tools will help a dysregulated child. And when they get regulated,
what happens. Behavior improves because things are doable, and their
alarm in their nervous system isn't just screaming at them
(16:17):
that there's danger and they must either fight or flee
or freeze. Right. And then our last and fifth myth,
it comes around accommodations, and there's really two myths wrapped
up in this one. One is that accommodations are unfair.
Please please, please please. It's unfair to not have a
(16:41):
neurotypical brain and be told that you have to succeed
in a school system designed for neurotypical brains. That's what's unfair.
And the second myth is that if we accommodate too much,
then kids don't learn resilience, they don't learn how to
challenge themselves grow, which is also just not true. Accommodations
(17:04):
actually level the playing field. They're not an unfair advantage.
They're like putting on eyeglasses when you can't see. They're
just leveling the playing field. Kids need different things to
reach their full potential. You and I need different things
to reach our full potential. What may have helped you
(17:26):
figure out your place in the world as an adult
may not have helped me at all. Or vice versa.
Individuals here are people. Society is a group of individuals.
Schools are groups of individuals. We are raising individuals, so
kids need different things to figure out their best path.
(17:50):
We can advocate confidently for accommodations and educate others on
why they matter. We can also educate others on the
fact that resilience comes from being supported, not struggling alone.
Support not being alone. Meeting needs builds confidence and self trust,
(18:13):
and that leads to long term independence. Meeting needs builds
confidence and self trust. Think about that for a minute.
Self trust. Many many, many of our kids who are
nerdivergent struggle with self trust. They don't trust themselves to
make decisions. They don't trust themselves to be able to succeed,
(18:37):
because that's what messages they're getting. So we can provide scaffolding. Remember,
scaffolding is support that we put up as it's needed,
and then we can start to take it away piece
by peace when that is doable, when a kid can
still succeed, when we start pulling back the scaffolding and
(19:01):
the support, we can encourage self advocacy, especially in my
own experiences with the school. If my kid told them
he needed something and I told them he needed the
same thing. They were much more likely to listen if
it came from him than if it came from me,
because they think parents just love their kids and want
(19:21):
everything to be easy. And I get how it can
feel like that and how it can sound like that.
We ask for accommodations and so forth. So self advocacy
is key to life success. We have to be able
to ask for what we need when we need it,
and be able to support that request. Why do I
need to email my assignments in instead of turn in papers?
(19:46):
Why do I need to have a digital device out
in the field at my job instead of shuffling and
writing on paper. Stuff like that. It's really important we
advocate for ourselves throughout our whole lives. We need to
teach that early for our kids so they can get
the accommodations they need to succeed. And then we need
(20:07):
to gradually build skills in a safe environment. How do
we build skills in a safe environment. They have to
be doable and just write challenges, But the whole key
to building skills is that safe environment. If a kid
doesn't feel safe physically, socially, psychologically, emotionally, mentally. Then they
(20:36):
are not available to learn. Their nervous system is just regulated,
their thinking brain is offline. They cannot learn new skills.
Safety is paramount, a sense of felt safety is paramount.
So those are our five myths, and I hope that
(20:57):
I have sufficiently and effectively busted them for you, and
that you no longer believe any of these things if
you even did, or that they are validating exactly how
you feel and exactly why hearing these things gets you
and your kid upset. I want to encourage you to
(21:21):
shift your mindset from fixing to understanding and empowering your kid.
Help your kid feel seen, heard, understood, and valued, and
that will empower them to live well in a neurotypical
world and to be themselves in that neurotypical world. What
(21:47):
myth really resonated with you most? What do you hear
most often? What makes you upset most often? Or maybe
what did you believe that now you realize is false?
And then what's one thing that you're gonna shift about
your thinking around these concepts and ideas? This week? You
(22:08):
can go to the show notes and answer those question
that love to chat with you there. It's at PARENTINGADHD
NOSS dot com slash three zero zero because this is
episode three hundred and I have a special download, free
download for you there on the three hundredth episode. It
(22:29):
is three hundred small winds ideas, and I hope you'll
go there and grab that and start implementing them. They
are all simple, easy ways to get some quick wins,
some small wins that will help to build more and
more wins for your kid and for your family. Right
(22:51):
because we are a collective unit. I hope to see
you on the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for
joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed
this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to
check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD
(23:13):
and Autism dot com and at the Behavior Revolution dot com.
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