April 23, 2025 • 35 mins
What if the big feelings your child has aren’t a problem — but a clue?
In this comforting conversation, I sit down with Janine Halloran, LMHC — therapist, mom, and author of Coping Skills for Kids — to talk all things anger, coping, and emotional regulation for neurodivergent kids and their families.
We dig into why some kids explode, what to do in the moment (spoiler: it starts with YOU), and how to teach your child the coping strategies that actually work for their unique brain and nervous system. Plus, Janine shares real-life stories, tools, and ways to create a home environment that supports emotional growth — without trying to force your kid to “just breathe.”
Whether your child resists every strategy you suggest or you’re just trying to stay calm during the chaos, this episode is packed with practical wisdom and hope.
Tune in now to learn how to help your child (and yourself) walk through big feelings with more connection, confidence, and calm.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/309
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
In this comforting conversation, I sit down with Janine Halloran, LMHC — therapist, mom, and author of Coping Skills for Kids — to talk all things anger, coping, and emotional regulation for neurodivergent kids and their families.
We dig into why some kids explode, what to do in the moment (spoiler: it starts with YOU), and how to teach your child the coping strategies that actually work for their unique brain and nervous system. Plus, Janine shares real-life stories, tools, and ways to create a home environment that supports emotional growth — without trying to force your kid to “just breathe.”
Whether your child resists every strategy you suggest or you’re just trying to stay calm during the chaos, this episode is packed with practical wisdom and hope.
Tune in now to learn how to help your child (and yourself) walk through big feelings with more connection, confidence, and calm.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/309
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Look for those tiny moments, those tiny shifts of change,
because that's what's going to keep you going. Like maybe
it is not as frequent, maybe it is not as long.
Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope. That
is a sign that there is some movement, even if
it's teeny teeny tiny. Hold on to that and keep going.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back
(00:53):
everybody to Beautifully Complex. I am so excited to have
Janine Hallory in here with me to talk about coping skills.
I think we're going to talk about coping skills for
our kids, but maybe also for us, because how we
show up matters a great deal to the behavior that
we see in our kids. So Janine, will you start
(01:16):
by letting everybody know who you are and what you do,
and then we'll jump in sure.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
So, I am a licensed mental health counselor, I've been
working in the field for over twenty years, which is
wild to say that, but that's true. I've been working
with kids and teens and families and helping kids and
teens and the families try to figure out what strategies
will work for them, trying to make life just go
a little bit smoother at home. So I'm a therapist
(01:42):
by training, and I actually still do see kids privately.
In fact, I have like a new client I'm seeing
this afternoon. I see clients throughout the week. But the
other thing that I do is I run coping skills
for kids. So I wrote the Coping Skills for Kids
Workbook the Coping Skills for Teens Workbook because I couldn't
really find those workbooks when I was, you know, starting
(02:03):
my work and wanting to try and find strategies that
are going to work for the different kids that I
saw all the time, and I just was wanting like
a just like just different ideas, Like I just needed
a lot of ideas because different kids need different things
and respond differently. So I wanted to have a lot
of different tools in my toolkit, but I couldn't find it.
So I wrote it with the encouragement of my husband,
(02:25):
And it's been really amazing to see and continue to
learn what strategies work for what type of kid. And
everybody has their own sort of unique constellation of their
own strategies that works for them. So it's my passion
and fun for me to help people figure out what
strategies are going to work.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Yeah, that's so much fun. And you've created such a
great resource for parents. You know, I get asked all
the time what should we do for this or that?
And so much of it is tied to the nervous system.
But as you've said, everybody's different. You know, something that
might really soothe me might escalate my kid, and vice versa,
(03:06):
and so we really have to be sort of detectives
right and figuring out for each kid. But having this
well of information and ideas to pull from is so
super helpful when you just don't know, you know, when
it's not your thing to know these things. So I
appreciate that so much. Can we start with kind of
defining what you mean when you talk about coping skills
(03:31):
and then why maybe they're so super important for neurodivergent
kids and families because maybe they experience the world more
intensely and differently than a neurotypical kid.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Yeah. Absolutely. So the way I define coping skills is
it is strategies you use to deal with big feelings,
to deal with overwhelming situations, to deal with challenges in
you know, maybe overthinking things, and you can sort of
think about them in like healthy versus unhealthy strategies, Like
what are strategies that are going to be helpful and healthy?
(04:06):
So the thing that I always talk about is I
want to make sure that you stay safe when you're
using a strategy. I want to make sure other people
stay safe, and I want to make sure property is
completely cool and safe as well. So there's a wealth
of strategies that you can use as long as you
are doing things that are going to keep you safe,
keep other people safe, and keep property from not being damaged.
(04:28):
And that leaves a lot of room for a lot
of wiggle room. Like you can do movement strategies, you
can use your senses to help you cope. You can
use distraction to help you cope, play, you can use
deep breathing or grounding. You can talk through and label
your emotions. But I think when it comes to neurodivergent kids.
(04:48):
A lot of times, there's a lot of big feelings there, right,
Like there's really really big feelings, and so to be
able to figure out what are going to be those
things that are going to help me walk through that
feeling in a way that is not going to impact
people around me in a really super negative way. Like
(05:08):
if I'm having a really big anger, punching a hole
in the wall is not a good strategy, Like, it's
not healthy, it's not safe. So what are the things
that I can do that can be different that it's
still honored the fact that I'm angry. Anger is not
a bad thing. Anger is just it's a signal, and
you can channel that anger into something more positive. You
(05:29):
can channel that into change, right, But if you are
having that big feeling, you've got to get it out
in a safe and healthy way. So really, that's what
I love about using strategies is being able to help
kids walk through that emotion and walk through the feeling.
It's okay to have that feeling, It's okay to have
any feeling. It is okay. It's what you do when
you have that feeling that matters.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And so many of our neurodivergent kids are avoidant. They
don't want to feel the feeling, they don't want to
be uncomfortable. They're going to do anything and everything not
to sit in it, right, And so having those conversations
building that skill also of being able to be with
the emotion and feel maybe not okay, but that it
(06:12):
is going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Yeah, Well, it's to sit with uncomfortableness is really hard
to sit like sadness, to sit with worry, to sit
with grief, it's hard. It's hard to do that, and
to have that conversation about like, just sit with it
for a sac like even if it's just for a minute,
and we'll get better at sitting with it right and
it's okay. That's part of being human is having these
(06:37):
feelings and emotions, and that's what makes us human. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Absolutely, We've had with my own kid, who is twenty two,
but he's my kid, so I still calling my kid.
Not that either of my young adult kids like that,
but that's what we do because I'm mom. And he's
been struggling with frustration and it just sort of explodes
out of him before he is able to think about
(07:03):
it right, and his therapist is working with him on
the stop practice from CBT or DBT, and you know,
really trying to help him because he doesn't like that.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So often these behaviors our kids have these big emotions,
they're not pleasant for them either. They're not enjoying it either,
and so he really does want to work on it,
but it affects everybody in the house when suddenly there's
like these huge loud noises because he'll be on the
computer and get frustrated and bang really hard and he
hurts himself and then he's like, oh, why did that happen?
(07:36):
Why didn't I do something different? Right, So we're working
on it, but it was so funny. The other day
he sends me this video from YouTube of this guy
with this giant return button. It's like a pillow, it's
a squishy pad, big inter button and every time the
guy gets frustrated, he's banging on the inter button, right,
And my kid says, we need to find one of
these for me. I think this could help, because like,
(07:58):
you have to honor that you're nervous system is saying
I need to move, I need to expel some energy, right,
But we have to find healthier ways to do it,
and you know he was trying to do that, which
I was like, that's pretty smart, right, Like that's I
think a starting point, right, because so often in the
moment they can't use the coping strategy anyway if they're
(08:21):
already super far down the hill, right.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Oh my gosh. No. And this is the thing that
is really tricky about teaching coping skills. You would think like, okay,
so now you know a coping skill, right, and you
know when you're supposed to use it, Like you get
frustrated you're playing on your video game and somebody does
something or somebody is attacking, and they're like, they're not
playing fair. I have a teenage boy myself, so like,
I know, oh the fairness, fairness, it's not fair. They
(08:46):
are they're changing, they're like anyway. But what happens is
like that's not the teachable moment. Really, it's too far gone.
It's too late. The tricky part with coping skills is
you have to work on it and you have to
be able to have the conversation about I'm noticing that
you're getting really frustrated when you're playing this video game.
(09:07):
I've actually had this conversation with my son. First of all,
is it fun for you? Is if this is still
fun for you, continue to do it. But if it
is no longer fun, like you're playing video games because
it's supposed to be fun. If this is fun, great,
If this is frustrating for you, perhaps we need to
take a break and play something else that is other
things that are fun for you, Like Sudoku is fun
for you, Chess's fun for you, Legos are fun for you.
(09:30):
Like what are some other things you can do to
take a break away from the screen? And the other
thing is that like moving away from the computer, but
also like using that movement because if you're full of
that frustration and anger, there's a lot of energy in
your body, so you want to get it out. So
my son actually goes and kicks a soccer ball. He
like goes to the garage and he like and he
(09:52):
just kicks it and kicks it and kicks it. And
he figured that out on his own after we'd had
some conversations about you're getting really frustrated. I'm noticing your
face is getting red, your hands are clenched, And I
will go through and like note all the things that
are happening in his body, and then I will will
and I say, is that what is going on for you?
And then he'll be like yeah, yeah, yeah, And you
(10:13):
know it's not I make it sound pretty and easy
and beautiful like it was in that moment. No, it's not.
It's like sometimes it's all messy, like he doesn't want
to hear me in that moment, right, So we come
back to it later, and so I'll say, you know,
maybe the next day, maybe like on a walk in
the car, over a nice snack, like doing something like
a third thing is always really helpful rather than just
(10:35):
like talking directly face to face. Yeah, yeah, it's intense,
but to talk about like, okay, so that didn't go
well yesterday, Like what happened? What are the things that worked?
What didn't work, what made you really frustrated? What are
we going to do the next time this happens? And
it just revisiting that plan over and over and over
again to figure out what are the strategies that are
(10:56):
going to work, what worked a little bit, what worked longer,
what didn't work all and modifying as time goes on.
M M.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
But what can we do in that moment? Because I
get this question so often. My kid knows strategies. We
talk about all these strategies, we talk about them outside
of the moment, but still in the moment, they can't
use them, they can't call on them, they don't want
me to remind them. Whatever it is right in the
thick of it, what do we do?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
So for me, it's all about me actually at that moment,
because it's my issue that I am wanting to fix
what's going on for them, But it's their feelings right
like they're they're having them. Maybe they're not doing things
that I would approve of or think are a great
way to manage that moment, right, But I also have
to manage myself because I want to set the tone
(11:49):
in my house. I want to set the temperature. I
don't want to escalate as he's escalating, like that's just
not going to lead to anything productive. So it really
comes back to me staying calm in the moment, like
this is a moment. We will get through this. And
in terms of talking to a child who's having those moments,
I keep it really simple, keep my language very short,
(12:09):
and I repeat the same thing. I'm here when you're ready,
or let me know when you're ready to talk. I
try and share my calm. I want to be as
calm as possible, and sometimes I will walk Like when
my kids were little, I would stay closer, but when
they are now that they're older, I can walk away
a little bit more because I know that things aren't
going to get so destroyed, like like when they were little,
(12:31):
like we would set up like we would make sure
that rooms were in a place where things weren't destroyed,
like taking all the things out that could hurt a
wall or could damage property, right, so we would just
it was very like stripped down. The other thing that
I really like to do is use visuals as a reminder.
So instead of me saying it, they might have the
(12:52):
visuals on their wall. I've done that with kids that
I work with, So I will set up a calm
space in their room where they have their visuals of
things that they can do. They have their little toolkit
of things that are ready to go. And so in
those moments, instead of me talking through it, I will
point or we will practice before those moments to be like, hey,
when you are having a moment, let's walk into your room.
(13:15):
Where do you look? You look over there, yeah, let's
practice a few of those right now. So it's really
that practice and planning, and it takes a long time.
It just takes repetition in order for those skills to
sort of start to stick and internally for them to
be able to do it. Yeah, And it's just it's
what it is. It takes time. We all take time
(13:37):
to learn things, and they're learning how to manage their feelings.
Their feelings are big, and that is okay.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, yeah, it's difficulty. You know, they just don't have
the skills yet, they don't have the you know, twenty
five thirty forty years of practice that we have, and
yet we sort of expect that they're able to manage
things the way that we do. And that's the goal.
But we have to give it the appropriate amount of time.
(14:03):
And I always tell parents and coaching, like, when you're
sure that there's no way this is working, keep going.
You didn't get there yet, Like we always want to
give up too early, and we really have to stick
with it because it will make a difference in the
long run. You know, we're trying to create habits. We're
trying to create a habit of I feel explosive, but
(14:27):
I'm going to stop and I'm going to think about it, like,
how hard is that? Right? It's so difficult, So we
have to give them time to be able to get there,
I think for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, I think about it as like a marathon, not
a spring. Right. We want to give them a strategy
and want them to fly with it and make sure
that they can use it every single time. And that
is just not how it works. And I also tell parents,
do not give up, do not give up, keep going,
keep going, and look for those tiny moments, those tiny
shifts of change, because that's what's going to keep you going. Like,
(14:58):
maybe it is not it frequent, maybe it is not
as long. Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope.
That is a sign that there is some movement, even
if it's teeny teeny tiny hold on to that.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Yes, I keep going, Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. That
was one of the big pivotal moments for me and
my parenting was starting to recognize and celebrate progress instead
of still worrying about the fact that we hadn't gotten
there yet. Yes, and oh my gosh, what does this
mean for my kid ten, fifteen, twenty years from now?
Because I am definitely a future caster and worry about
(15:36):
all the things, and so many of those things that
I worried about when my kids were little never happen, right, Like,
at this age, none of that is a problem, right,
and so we just have to give them time. But
it's so hard, Like we just want them to be happy, right,
it's just so hard to see them struggle, I think,
(15:58):
And so you know, we can validate that experience but
also say, hey, there's hope.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Keep going, Yeah, exactly, because there is hope. It's really
hard as a parent to watch when things are not
going well. It is so hard to sit and just
be like, and I'm here again, and you do, especially
like if you're dealing with anxiety yourself and you're dealing
with all sorts of things, you go big picture. It's
really easy to be like, and they're gonna live in
my basement until they're thirty, And I don't know what
(16:25):
to do.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
We can't have that, Oh my god, what do we
need to do now while they're five to make sure
they don't live in my basement in twenty five years.
It's so real life though, Like I've had so many
of those thoughts.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And worries.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Can we talk a little bit about kids who are
super resistant, because I think a lot of our kids are,
especially that avoidance of discomfort. I think a lot of
times that also makes them not want to talk about
what they would do if that happened. They don't want
to talk about coping skills for those times, or they
don't want to debrief later. Mike had never wanted to
(17:11):
talk about something even days after, because he didn't want
to go back. He didn't want to have that feeling again,
right and talking about it, he was going to have
that feeling again at.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Least a little bit.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
So what do we do in those scenarios to teach
the skills when they aren't really open to even having
conversations about it.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So sometimes what I will do is I will actually
ask them about other kids. I will talk with them
about what other teens do, what other kids do, what
have you noticed with other people? If they have some
close friends, like if Susie was dealing with this, is
if Eloise was challenged with this, If you know Steve
was having a hard time with this, what would you
say to them? What would you do? What would what
(17:50):
do you think would be helpful for your friend in
that moment, So it's vulnerable to talk about yourself. It's
hard to talk about yourself, but if you put it on,
like what have you noticed the other kids, they're more
than happy to talk about it. Usually, like they'll talk
about other kids till the cows come home, like what
did you see in school today? Well, this kid won't
believe this. So it's easier sometimes to talk about other
(18:12):
kids and use that as a way to start to
get back to the conversation about them. But starting with
like just laying the groundwork of like let's just have
a conversation about strategies that people use when they get
angry when it comes to friends. I will also use media,
so I will use characters on TV. I will use
characters in books, like especially for little kids. Pigeon of
(18:34):
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus has a lot
of big feelings, like really big. Yeah. Yeah, we talk
about pigeons big feelings all the time, and that's fun
because he's really ridiculous and over the top, right, But
then it's like a great way to enter into the
conversation about like, okay, he has really big feelings? Is
this realistic? Like why is a pigeon trying to drive
(18:55):
the bus, like what are we doing? What would you
do with a pigeon? It's got on your bus and
try to drive. But then the other thing sometimes I
will do, especially with my older kids, is I will
encourage writing instead, So instead of talking about it face
to face, I will encourage like a journal back and forth,
so like put it under their pillow, you write to them,
(19:16):
they write back to you, like if that is something
that is a medium that feels good for them, And
it's easier to sort of start a conversation in writing
rather than talking. And I always like to use whenever
I'm talking with kids, Like even as a therapist, I
almost never talk directly to a kid without having something
else to do. So I'm always playing a game. We're drawing,
(19:40):
we are I'm not making eye contact. I almost never
make my contact, especially we're having our conversations. I'm like,
here's your drawing, here's our gel pens. Let's get started.
And as we're drawing, and I'm weaving in the conversations
around like okay, I'm noticing, like your mom told me
that there were some really big feelings blah blah blah
about the spelling test. Let's talk about that, and if
(20:03):
it gets to be too much, I will step back.
We want to talk about it all all the time.
We want to talk to the whole thing and we
want to solve it. And sometimes that's not going to
be as helpful. Sometimes it's like we are you have
to think about It's like you're planting a seed. We're
just going to have a tiny little bit of a conversation.
They are not open. We'll revisit you know where they live.
(20:24):
You can come back to it, you can circle back.
So I like to do that. And the other thing
is that I gather a team around me because I
know that I can't do it all even as a therapist.
I am not a therapist. When I talk to my
kids usually like I will put my therapist hat on sometimes,
But if I need them to have more deeper conversations
(20:45):
with somebody else about their feelings about their strategies, I
will get somebody else on the team. I will enlist
my sister, I will enlist another therapist, I will enlist
occupational therapy, like whatever I need to do in order
to help bring the strategies together. If it's not for me,
that's Okay, I just need strategies in there in some
(21:07):
way from another trusted adults, if it's the coach, if
it's somebody from church, like whoever it is, I'm gathering
a team to help support me.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yeah, that's so important. The job of parenting a kid
who's neurodiversion is often isolating anyway, So we need more
people on our team in that regard to you. But
you know, if your kid is not open to talking to,
you find someone they're open to talking to, because generally
there will be someone. You know, the parent might be
(21:38):
the least likely person that they really want to talk to,
especially at different ages. I want to pivot a little
bit and talk about like setting up our environment at
home to foster more coping skills and growth in managing emotions.
Do you have some ideas about routine, about tools, about relationship,
(22:03):
you know, building that connection. What do we need to
know there?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
So there are three sort of things that I think
about when it comes to setting up a home where
you can really implement coping skills. The first is just connection,
and that is you want to connect with your kids.
Sometimes I think we get so caught up in grades
and fixing things and doing stuff that we actually kind
of forget, like we want to still have a relationship
(22:29):
with them, so we want to play with them. Yeah,
like with no sort of like ulterior motives like I
just want to play Legos with you. I want to
play a video game with you. Let's read a book together,
Let's watch a YouTuber together, let's watch a movie together,
let's make something together. So really, when we have those
moments of connection that are just pure moments of connection.
(22:50):
And this is not to say that it's not like
I have two teenagers. It's real. Sometimes it's like a
little brightening. Okay, they're cranking. But to have those moments
where we can actually relate to one another when you
have that base of connection, when you have that base
of an actual, like genuine warm relationship, when things go wrong,
(23:12):
it's easier to then have a different kind of conversation.
There's a trust, there's a respect there because we've played
those games, because we've had those conversations, because we've just
had fun together and been silly and then nonsense like
that's actually my favorite part about being a parent is
to have those moments of connection, to play, to chat
(23:35):
about nonsense like tell me what people are doing at lunch, Like,
what is happening? Why are people throwing food? I don't understand?
Like tell me about the Minecraft movie that you both saw.
Why are people throwing popcorn? What is it happen? So
the connection is the first one. The second one is
(23:55):
really about structure, and that really comes down to, you know,
creating an environment that is predictable. You want to create
an environment where you sort of have some predictability about
what is going to happen. Now. I know days look
different after school activities can throw things off, but there
is something really helpful even when you're doing something like
(24:19):
routines for bedtime, like we take a bath, we read books,
and then we go to bed, right Like it's the
b routine. That's what I would call it my kids
were younger. There is a routine for like maybe after dinner,
like we all take a point in cleaning up different
parts of the kitchen and then we sit down and
watch one episode of a show together and then we disperse,
(24:41):
right Like, just having some sort of routines and expectations.
On Saturdays we do this, On Sundays we do this.
This is not to say that every single time that's
what's going to happen, and that's where you can build
in a little bit of resilience and flexibility training. Yeh,
because that is it's a routine is lovely. A routine
always doesn't happen, and that is life, and so we
(25:02):
just that's a way to just build in that. And
then the other thing I like to do is actually
having a space or a place for those strategies for
coping skills to live. So when my children were little,
I set up a space in our home in our
living room where that was the coping corner, Like we
(25:23):
had posters up where we were working on feelings and
the strategies that they really liked to use were ready
to go in there. Now that they're older, they sort
of do that on their own in their rooms, so
they have like their own like little strategies, but having
a toolkit ready to go with things that you know
will work, that are like their top three to five strategies,
(25:44):
like what are these things? Visuals can be really helpful,
but to really be planful about it, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Yeah, yeah, I think it's so important. It's not something
that I knew to do when my kids were younger,
but now you know, just last month and the Regular
Kids product, I had a whole thing on how to
build your coping corner, calm corner.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Let your kid name it, let them own it, right,
give them all the tools that they want that they
feel like they connect with and are going to use.
And I think that's another good point too. It's like
you can suggest all the strategies in the world. If
your kid doesn't connect with it or doesn't want to
do it, it is never going to work. Like let
(26:27):
them lead in that way. Like we are all like, oh,
just breathe, just breathe, and they're like, ah, you know,
and it's because in that moment at least that doesn't
make sense for them, or it doesn't do it all
at all. So really leaning into what does our kid want.
Are they open to experimenting by trying this thing or
(26:47):
are they not? If they're not, you know, I wrote
down the word pressure a little bit ago as we
were talking, because a lot of what you're saying is
pulling back the pressure. Yes, you know, if you're doing
something else with your kid, coloring or whatever, that's less
pressure than this eye to eye conversation. Right, If you're
just building connection instead of going this was not okay,
(27:11):
we need to fix this and we're going.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
To have a conversation.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Right. You're just lifting that pressure that often makes our
kids shut down anyway, if they feel a lot of pressure,
they can they're not learning anything they can't, right, So
that pressure is difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
It was a.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Difficult lesson for me as a parent because I'm a fixer.
Yes you know, I just want to get it done
and I want to fix it and I want everybody
to feel hunky dory all the time. And I had
to learn yes, that's not the way all the time.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I know the problem solving piece. It's really hard to
turn that off. It's really hard because especially when you're like, well,
if you just did this, it would be better, right, right,
Except they're their own like person, so like what works
for them is not what works necessarily for me. Like
my two kids cope in very different ways than I do.
Like my daughter copes in some in some ways we're
(28:00):
similarly to me. But my son is a super extrovert,
Like he'd be happy outside all day long, playing with
his friends. I'm like that sounds like my nightmaw. Yeah,
he love it. He loves, and I have to honor
that because that's him as a person, Like, okay, you
really like that, you want to be hanging out with
people that gives you energy. That is a way, like
(28:20):
you need to move to cope. I get it, Like
that is what is for you. It is not necessarily
my way. Like I would not ever pick to kick
a soccer ball, like never ever in my life ever,
but I would walk and I would dance right honoring
who they are it makes it easier for them to
actually do it because if it's coming from them, if
(28:41):
they're like I really like sudoku, I really like coloring,
I really like crochet, and that's something that's going to
help me, then it's going to be more likely that
they use it because it's something that they already like.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Mm hmm for sure. Before we close, let's talk for
a second about parent coping skills, adult coping skills, because
you know, our nervous systems get triggered too. Where all
human beings have this autonomic nervous system that is our
sort of safety alarm to keep us safe and protected.
(29:13):
And when our kids are yelling at us, our body
is going to react, and we have to learn how
to do it differently and teach ourselves. How do we
do that? Like, I know that's a five week conversation,
but what are the basics? Where can we start?
Speaker 1 (29:31):
It's so funny that you asked me that, because I
am working actually on in a book for adults. So
I've written in a chice book, of written the teen book,
and now I'm writing the adult book because this is
such a big issue that comes up every single time
I speak or talk about coping skills for kids or
teens without fail, an adult will be like, well, I
am really struggling because I don't have my own strategies,
(29:53):
or the adults in my building are not coping well
and they are taking their anger out on the kids,
Like they're so much for us as the adult where
we need to build our own strategies and we never
learned them. Like I was luckily lucky enough to be
in therapy as a teenager, Like I don't know how
that happened, God bless my mom, but like I, and
(30:16):
it was really helpful. It was super duper up because
I really learned a lot of strategies that I still
actually use with my clients to this day. That were
really helpful, but not everybody had that opportunity, right, So
to be able to first recognize like, okay, I need
help with working on these strategies. It's okay, give yourself grace.
It is okay, be okay with being an imperfect human
(30:39):
because we all are, we all make mistakes, we all
do not do things one hundred percent perfectly. The second
thing is to think about, like, really, what are things
that bring you joy, that make you happy, that help
you relax, Like not what people are telling you, not
what like Instagram reels is pushing for you? Like what
(30:59):
makes you happy, what brings you toy, what makes you laugh,
what helps your brain get a break, And to really
build those things into your schedule. So that's really I
think the hardest part for families and for parents in
particular is to actually be intentional about our time, So
to intentionally build in those things that are going to
(31:22):
be those like mental wellness breaks that we need to
really fill our cups again. But then also in those
moments when our kids are having a hard time, we
need like nine to one to one skills, right, we
need like our emergency like I'm going to take a breath,
I'm going to put a cold compress on the back
of my neck, I'm going to take a drink of water,
I'm going to go outside, Like what are those things
that we can do in the moment to help us
(31:44):
stay regulated? So it's like there's we have to have
that in the moment skills just like our kids, and
we have to have those like, Okay, what are the
things that are going to help replenish me so I
can get up and do this again tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's not just about that even, It's also about coregulation
and offering coregulation right, and so much of what we've
talked about here. You know, when I'm talking to parents
about regulation activities and exercises, I'm like, bonus points. If
you do it with them, you should be doing it
with them because you're offering coregulation. You know, those mirror
(32:17):
neurons are getting activated, but also you're working on your
own nervous system with them. Like these are human being skills.
And I just think like if we taught kids, all
kids about emotional intelligence and emotional regulation, the world would
be a different place. Like you know, when we were kids,
(32:39):
nobody talked about that, Nobody thought about it. Our parents
didn't know unless maybe they were a therapist, they didn't
know about this stuff either. And that, you know, it's
just like this gap for a lot of generations that
I'm hoping now we can start filling because we'll have
happier humans. We'll have humans that interact better with each other,
(32:59):
that empathize with each other. Right, all the things that
I'm hoping that we keep building.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Yes, And the thing about coregulation is that for those
resistant kids, even if they don't do it with you,
this is an opportunity for them to see. Okay, I
am noticing that my adult takes deep breaths when they
are having on It's not just me. I am noticing
my adult has big feelings about certain things and they
(33:25):
are doing things. I will actually narrate out loud what
I am doing. I will be like, I am really
frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a five
minute walk around the block. I will be right back.
I'm really irritated. I'm going to take a drink of water,
and I'm just going to take myself to time out
for five minutes and I'll be back, Like, I will
literally narrate it out loud for them. So even if
(33:46):
they're not doing it with me, I'm sharing what I
am doing. They see it in real life, like Okay,
mom gets frustrated, Mom gets angry? What do I do?
What does she do when she does this? You know,
even if they don't do it with me when they
were young, or I would have them do it with me,
But even if they don't do it with me, it's
still sharing what I am doing to keep myself calm.
M hm.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yep. That modeling is so important. Yeah, yeah, so much
more we can talk about, but we are out of time.
So let everybody know where they can find you online,
where they can find the books, how they can learn
more from you.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Sure, So if you go to Coping Skills for Kids
dot com, there's a bunch of free resources on there
all about like anxiety, deep breathing, stress, anger. And then
if they want to get the books, they can go
to store dot Coping Skills for Kids dot com or
they're also available on Amazon.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
Nice, And I will link all of that up in
the show notes for everybody, which are at Parentingadhdanautism dot
com slash three zero nine for episode three hundred and nine,
And I really thank you Janine, I always have the
best conversations with you. I love to talk about emotional
regulation and coping skills with you. It's always fun and
it should be fun, like this is how we get
(34:59):
our kids in aged And I just appreciate you and
all the work that you're doing for kids and families
and thank you for sharing some of that with us.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Oh you're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so delighted to actually be connected with you because
it's you know, talking to somebody else who like get
who's in the world, Like like I want to talk
about coping skills all the time. Like I know, I'm yeah, yeah,
you're a nerd about that.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Yeah, shared passion. It's fun to have conversation with people
who have a shared passion. For sure. I'll see everybody
in the next episode.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Take good care.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If
you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com and at The
Behavior Revolution dot com.
Look for those tiny moments, those tiny shifts of change,
because that's what's going to keep you going. Like maybe
it is not as frequent, maybe it is not as long.
Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope. That
is a sign that there is some movement, even if
it's teeny teeny tiny. Hold on to that and keep going.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back
(00:53):
everybody to Beautifully Complex. I am so excited to have
Janine Hallory in here with me to talk about coping skills.
I think we're going to talk about coping skills for
our kids, but maybe also for us, because how we
show up matters a great deal to the behavior that
we see in our kids. So Janine, will you start
(01:16):
by letting everybody know who you are and what you do,
and then we'll jump in sure.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
So, I am a licensed mental health counselor, I've been
working in the field for over twenty years, which is
wild to say that, but that's true. I've been working
with kids and teens and families and helping kids and
teens and the families try to figure out what strategies
will work for them, trying to make life just go
a little bit smoother at home. So I'm a therapist
(01:42):
by training, and I actually still do see kids privately.
In fact, I have like a new client I'm seeing
this afternoon. I see clients throughout the week. But the
other thing that I do is I run coping skills
for kids. So I wrote the Coping Skills for Kids
Workbook the Coping Skills for Teens Workbook because I couldn't
really find those workbooks when I was, you know, starting
(02:03):
my work and wanting to try and find strategies that
are going to work for the different kids that I
saw all the time, and I just was wanting like
a just like just different ideas, Like I just needed
a lot of ideas because different kids need different things
and respond differently. So I wanted to have a lot
of different tools in my toolkit, but I couldn't find it.
So I wrote it with the encouragement of my husband,
(02:25):
And it's been really amazing to see and continue to
learn what strategies work for what type of kid. And
everybody has their own sort of unique constellation of their
own strategies that works for them. So it's my passion
and fun for me to help people figure out what
strategies are going to work.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Yeah, that's so much fun. And you've created such a
great resource for parents. You know, I get asked all
the time what should we do for this or that?
And so much of it is tied to the nervous system.
But as you've said, everybody's different. You know, something that
might really soothe me might escalate my kid, and vice versa,
(03:06):
and so we really have to be sort of detectives
right and figuring out for each kid. But having this
well of information and ideas to pull from is so
super helpful when you just don't know, you know, when
it's not your thing to know these things. So I
appreciate that so much. Can we start with kind of
defining what you mean when you talk about coping skills
(03:31):
and then why maybe they're so super important for neurodivergent
kids and families because maybe they experience the world more
intensely and differently than a neurotypical kid.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Yeah. Absolutely. So the way I define coping skills is
it is strategies you use to deal with big feelings,
to deal with overwhelming situations, to deal with challenges in
you know, maybe overthinking things, and you can sort of
think about them in like healthy versus unhealthy strategies, Like
what are strategies that are going to be helpful and healthy?
(04:06):
So the thing that I always talk about is I
want to make sure that you stay safe when you're
using a strategy. I want to make sure other people
stay safe, and I want to make sure property is
completely cool and safe as well. So there's a wealth
of strategies that you can use as long as you
are doing things that are going to keep you safe,
keep other people safe, and keep property from not being damaged.
(04:28):
And that leaves a lot of room for a lot
of wiggle room. Like you can do movement strategies, you
can use your senses to help you cope. You can
use distraction to help you cope, play, you can use
deep breathing or grounding. You can talk through and label
your emotions. But I think when it comes to neurodivergent kids.
(04:48):
A lot of times, there's a lot of big feelings there, right,
Like there's really really big feelings, and so to be
able to figure out what are going to be those
things that are going to help me walk through that
feeling in a way that is not going to impact
people around me in a really super negative way. Like
(05:08):
if I'm having a really big anger, punching a hole
in the wall is not a good strategy, Like, it's
not healthy, it's not safe. So what are the things
that I can do that can be different that it's
still honored the fact that I'm angry. Anger is not
a bad thing. Anger is just it's a signal, and
you can channel that anger into something more positive. You
(05:29):
can channel that into change, right, But if you are
having that big feeling, you've got to get it out
in a safe and healthy way. So really, that's what
I love about using strategies is being able to help
kids walk through that emotion and walk through the feeling.
It's okay to have that feeling, It's okay to have
any feeling. It is okay. It's what you do when
you have that feeling that matters.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
And so many of our neurodivergent kids are avoidant. They
don't want to feel the feeling, they don't want to
be uncomfortable. They're going to do anything and everything not
to sit in it, right, And so having those conversations
building that skill also of being able to be with
the emotion and feel maybe not okay, but that it
(06:12):
is going to be okay.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
Yeah, Well, it's to sit with uncomfortableness is really hard
to sit like sadness, to sit with worry, to sit
with grief, it's hard. It's hard to do that, and
to have that conversation about like, just sit with it
for a sac like even if it's just for a minute,
and we'll get better at sitting with it right and
it's okay. That's part of being human is having these
(06:37):
feelings and emotions, and that's what makes us human. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Absolutely, We've had with my own kid, who is twenty two,
but he's my kid, so I still calling my kid.
Not that either of my young adult kids like that,
but that's what we do because I'm mom. And he's
been struggling with frustration and it just sort of explodes
out of him before he is able to think about
(07:03):
it right, and his therapist is working with him on
the stop practice from CBT or DBT, and you know,
really trying to help him because he doesn't like that.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Right.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
So often these behaviors our kids have these big emotions,
they're not pleasant for them either. They're not enjoying it either,
and so he really does want to work on it,
but it affects everybody in the house when suddenly there's
like these huge loud noises because he'll be on the
computer and get frustrated and bang really hard and he
hurts himself and then he's like, oh, why did that happen?
(07:36):
Why didn't I do something different? Right, So we're working
on it, but it was so funny. The other day
he sends me this video from YouTube of this guy
with this giant return button. It's like a pillow, it's
a squishy pad, big inter button and every time the
guy gets frustrated, he's banging on the inter button, right,
And my kid says, we need to find one of
these for me. I think this could help, because like,
(07:58):
you have to honor that you're nervous system is saying
I need to move, I need to expel some energy, right,
But we have to find healthier ways to do it,
and you know he was trying to do that, which
I was like, that's pretty smart, right, Like that's I
think a starting point, right, because so often in the
moment they can't use the coping strategy anyway if they're
(08:21):
already super far down the hill, right.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Oh my gosh. No. And this is the thing that
is really tricky about teaching coping skills. You would think like, okay,
so now you know a coping skill, right, and you
know when you're supposed to use it, Like you get
frustrated you're playing on your video game and somebody does
something or somebody is attacking, and they're like, they're not
playing fair. I have a teenage boy myself, so like,
I know, oh the fairness, fairness, it's not fair. They
(08:46):
are they're changing, they're like anyway. But what happens is
like that's not the teachable moment. Really, it's too far gone.
It's too late. The tricky part with coping skills is
you have to work on it and you have to
be able to have the conversation about I'm noticing that
you're getting really frustrated when you're playing this video game.
(09:07):
I've actually had this conversation with my son. First of all,
is it fun for you? Is if this is still
fun for you, continue to do it. But if it
is no longer fun, like you're playing video games because
it's supposed to be fun. If this is fun, great,
If this is frustrating for you, perhaps we need to
take a break and play something else that is other
things that are fun for you, Like Sudoku is fun
for you, Chess's fun for you, Legos are fun for you.
(09:30):
Like what are some other things you can do to
take a break away from the screen? And the other
thing is that like moving away from the computer, but
also like using that movement because if you're full of
that frustration and anger, there's a lot of energy in
your body, so you want to get it out. So
my son actually goes and kicks a soccer ball. He
like goes to the garage and he like and he
(09:52):
just kicks it and kicks it and kicks it. And
he figured that out on his own after we'd had
some conversations about you're getting really frustrated. I'm noticing your
face is getting red, your hands are clenched, And I
will go through and like note all the things that
are happening in his body, and then I will will
and I say, is that what is going on for you?
And then he'll be like yeah, yeah, yeah, And you
(10:13):
know it's not I make it sound pretty and easy
and beautiful like it was in that moment. No, it's not.
It's like sometimes it's all messy, like he doesn't want
to hear me in that moment, right, So we come
back to it later, and so I'll say, you know,
maybe the next day, maybe like on a walk in
the car, over a nice snack, like doing something like
a third thing is always really helpful rather than just
(10:35):
like talking directly face to face. Yeah, yeah, it's intense,
but to talk about like, okay, so that didn't go
well yesterday, Like what happened? What are the things that worked?
What didn't work, what made you really frustrated? What are
we going to do the next time this happens? And
it just revisiting that plan over and over and over
again to figure out what are the strategies that are
(10:56):
going to work, what worked a little bit, what worked longer,
what didn't work all and modifying as time goes on.
M M.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
But what can we do in that moment? Because I
get this question so often. My kid knows strategies. We
talk about all these strategies, we talk about them outside
of the moment, but still in the moment, they can't
use them, they can't call on them, they don't want
me to remind them. Whatever it is right in the
thick of it, what do we do?
Speaker 1 (11:26):
So for me, it's all about me actually at that moment,
because it's my issue that I am wanting to fix
what's going on for them, But it's their feelings right
like they're they're having them. Maybe they're not doing things
that I would approve of or think are a great
way to manage that moment, right, But I also have
to manage myself because I want to set the tone
(11:49):
in my house. I want to set the temperature. I
don't want to escalate as he's escalating, like that's just
not going to lead to anything productive. So it really
comes back to me staying calm in the moment, like
this is a moment. We will get through this. And
in terms of talking to a child who's having those moments,
I keep it really simple, keep my language very short,
(12:09):
and I repeat the same thing. I'm here when you're ready,
or let me know when you're ready to talk. I
try and share my calm. I want to be as
calm as possible, and sometimes I will walk Like when
my kids were little, I would stay closer, but when
they are now that they're older, I can walk away
a little bit more because I know that things aren't
going to get so destroyed, like like when they were little,
(12:31):
like we would set up like we would make sure
that rooms were in a place where things weren't destroyed,
like taking all the things out that could hurt a
wall or could damage property, right, so we would just
it was very like stripped down. The other thing that
I really like to do is use visuals as a reminder.
So instead of me saying it, they might have the
(12:52):
visuals on their wall. I've done that with kids that
I work with, So I will set up a calm
space in their room where they have their visuals of
things that they can do. They have their little toolkit
of things that are ready to go. And so in
those moments, instead of me talking through it, I will
point or we will practice before those moments to be like, hey,
when you are having a moment, let's walk into your room.
(13:15):
Where do you look? You look over there, yeah, let's
practice a few of those right now. So it's really
that practice and planning, and it takes a long time.
It just takes repetition in order for those skills to
sort of start to stick and internally for them to
be able to do it. Yeah, And it's just it's
what it is. It takes time. We all take time
(13:37):
to learn things, and they're learning how to manage their feelings.
Their feelings are big, and that is okay.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, yeah, it's difficulty. You know, they just don't have
the skills yet, they don't have the you know, twenty
five thirty forty years of practice that we have, and
yet we sort of expect that they're able to manage
things the way that we do. And that's the goal.
But we have to give it the appropriate amount of time.
(14:03):
And I always tell parents and coaching, like, when you're
sure that there's no way this is working, keep going.
You didn't get there yet, Like we always want to
give up too early, and we really have to stick
with it because it will make a difference in the
long run. You know, we're trying to create habits. We're
trying to create a habit of I feel explosive, but
(14:27):
I'm going to stop and I'm going to think about it, like,
how hard is that? Right? It's so difficult, So we
have to give them time to be able to get there,
I think for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, I think about it as like a marathon, not
a spring. Right. We want to give them a strategy
and want them to fly with it and make sure
that they can use it every single time. And that
is just not how it works. And I also tell parents,
do not give up, do not give up, keep going,
keep going, and look for those tiny moments, those tiny
shifts of change, because that's what's going to keep you going. Like,
(14:58):
maybe it is not it frequent, maybe it is not
as long. Maybe something worked for a moment that is hope.
That is a sign that there is some movement, even
if it's teeny teeny tiny hold on to that.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Yes, I keep going, Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. That
was one of the big pivotal moments for me and
my parenting was starting to recognize and celebrate progress instead
of still worrying about the fact that we hadn't gotten
there yet. Yes, and oh my gosh, what does this
mean for my kid ten, fifteen, twenty years from now?
Because I am definitely a future caster and worry about
(15:36):
all the things, and so many of those things that
I worried about when my kids were little never happen, right, Like,
at this age, none of that is a problem, right,
and so we just have to give them time. But
it's so hard, Like we just want them to be happy, right,
it's just so hard to see them struggle, I think,
(15:58):
And so you know, we can validate that experience but
also say, hey, there's hope.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Keep going, Yeah, exactly, because there is hope. It's really
hard as a parent to watch when things are not
going well. It is so hard to sit and just
be like, and I'm here again, and you do, especially
like if you're dealing with anxiety yourself and you're dealing
with all sorts of things, you go big picture. It's
really easy to be like, and they're gonna live in
my basement until they're thirty, And I don't know what
(16:25):
to do.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
We can't have that, Oh my god, what do we
need to do now while they're five to make sure
they don't live in my basement in twenty five years.
It's so real life though, Like I've had so many
of those thoughts.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
And worries.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Can we talk a little bit about kids who are
super resistant, because I think a lot of our kids are,
especially that avoidance of discomfort. I think a lot of
times that also makes them not want to talk about
what they would do if that happened. They don't want
to talk about coping skills for those times, or they
don't want to debrief later. Mike had never wanted to
(17:11):
talk about something even days after, because he didn't want
to go back. He didn't want to have that feeling again,
right and talking about it, he was going to have
that feeling again at.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Least a little bit.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
So what do we do in those scenarios to teach
the skills when they aren't really open to even having
conversations about it.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
So sometimes what I will do is I will actually
ask them about other kids. I will talk with them
about what other teens do, what other kids do, what
have you noticed with other people? If they have some
close friends, like if Susie was dealing with this, is
if Eloise was challenged with this, If you know Steve
was having a hard time with this, what would you
say to them? What would you do? What would what
(17:50):
do you think would be helpful for your friend in
that moment, So it's vulnerable to talk about yourself. It's
hard to talk about yourself, but if you put it on,
like what have you noticed the other kids, they're more
than happy to talk about it. Usually, like they'll talk
about other kids till the cows come home, like what
did you see in school today? Well, this kid won't
believe this. So it's easier sometimes to talk about other
(18:12):
kids and use that as a way to start to
get back to the conversation about them. But starting with
like just laying the groundwork of like let's just have
a conversation about strategies that people use when they get
angry when it comes to friends. I will also use media,
so I will use characters on TV. I will use
characters in books, like especially for little kids. Pigeon of
(18:34):
Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus has a lot
of big feelings, like really big. Yeah. Yeah, we talk
about pigeons big feelings all the time, and that's fun
because he's really ridiculous and over the top, right, But
then it's like a great way to enter into the
conversation about like, okay, he has really big feelings? Is
this realistic? Like why is a pigeon trying to drive
(18:55):
the bus, like what are we doing? What would you
do with a pigeon? It's got on your bus and
try to drive. But then the other thing sometimes I
will do, especially with my older kids, is I will
encourage writing instead, So instead of talking about it face
to face, I will encourage like a journal back and forth,
so like put it under their pillow, you write to them,
(19:16):
they write back to you, like if that is something
that is a medium that feels good for them, And
it's easier to sort of start a conversation in writing
rather than talking. And I always like to use whenever
I'm talking with kids, Like even as a therapist, I
almost never talk directly to a kid without having something
else to do. So I'm always playing a game. We're drawing,
(19:40):
we are I'm not making eye contact. I almost never
make my contact, especially we're having our conversations. I'm like,
here's your drawing, here's our gel pens. Let's get started.
And as we're drawing, and I'm weaving in the conversations
around like okay, I'm noticing, like your mom told me
that there were some really big feelings blah blah blah
about the spelling test. Let's talk about that, and if
(20:03):
it gets to be too much, I will step back.
We want to talk about it all all the time.
We want to talk to the whole thing and we
want to solve it. And sometimes that's not going to
be as helpful. Sometimes it's like we are you have
to think about It's like you're planting a seed. We're
just going to have a tiny little bit of a conversation.
They are not open. We'll revisit you know where they live.
(20:24):
You can come back to it, you can circle back.
So I like to do that. And the other thing
is that I gather a team around me because I
know that I can't do it all even as a therapist.
I am not a therapist. When I talk to my
kids usually like I will put my therapist hat on sometimes,
But if I need them to have more deeper conversations
(20:45):
with somebody else about their feelings about their strategies, I
will get somebody else on the team. I will enlist
my sister, I will enlist another therapist, I will enlist
occupational therapy, like whatever I need to do in order
to help bring the strategies together. If it's not for me,
that's Okay, I just need strategies in there in some
(21:07):
way from another trusted adults, if it's the coach, if
it's somebody from church, like whoever it is, I'm gathering
a team to help support me.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yeah, that's so important. The job of parenting a kid
who's neurodiversion is often isolating anyway, So we need more
people on our team in that regard to you. But
you know, if your kid is not open to talking to,
you find someone they're open to talking to, because generally
there will be someone. You know, the parent might be
(21:38):
the least likely person that they really want to talk to,
especially at different ages. I want to pivot a little
bit and talk about like setting up our environment at
home to foster more coping skills and growth in managing emotions.
Do you have some ideas about routine, about tools, about relationship,
(22:03):
you know, building that connection. What do we need to
know there?
Speaker 1 (22:07):
So there are three sort of things that I think
about when it comes to setting up a home where
you can really implement coping skills. The first is just connection,
and that is you want to connect with your kids.
Sometimes I think we get so caught up in grades
and fixing things and doing stuff that we actually kind
of forget, like we want to still have a relationship
(22:29):
with them, so we want to play with them. Yeah,
like with no sort of like ulterior motives like I
just want to play Legos with you. I want to
play a video game with you. Let's read a book together,
Let's watch a YouTuber together, let's watch a movie together,
let's make something together. So really, when we have those
moments of connection that are just pure moments of connection.
(22:50):
And this is not to say that it's not like
I have two teenagers. It's real. Sometimes it's like a
little brightening. Okay, they're cranking. But to have those moments
where we can actually relate to one another when you
have that base of connection, when you have that base
of an actual, like genuine warm relationship, when things go wrong,
(23:12):
it's easier to then have a different kind of conversation.
There's a trust, there's a respect there because we've played
those games, because we've had those conversations, because we've just
had fun together and been silly and then nonsense like
that's actually my favorite part about being a parent is
to have those moments of connection, to play, to chat
(23:35):
about nonsense like tell me what people are doing at lunch, Like,
what is happening? Why are people throwing food? I don't understand?
Like tell me about the Minecraft movie that you both saw.
Why are people throwing popcorn? What is it happen? So
the connection is the first one. The second one is
(23:55):
really about structure, and that really comes down to, you know,
creating an environment that is predictable. You want to create
an environment where you sort of have some predictability about
what is going to happen. Now. I know days look
different after school activities can throw things off, but there
is something really helpful even when you're doing something like
(24:19):
routines for bedtime, like we take a bath, we read books,
and then we go to bed, right Like it's the
b routine. That's what I would call it my kids
were younger. There is a routine for like maybe after dinner,
like we all take a point in cleaning up different
parts of the kitchen and then we sit down and
watch one episode of a show together and then we disperse,
(24:41):
right Like, just having some sort of routines and expectations.
On Saturdays we do this, On Sundays we do this.
This is not to say that every single time that's
what's going to happen, and that's where you can build
in a little bit of resilience and flexibility training. Yeh,
because that is it's a routine is lovely. A routine
always doesn't happen, and that is life, and so we
(25:02):
just that's a way to just build in that. And
then the other thing I like to do is actually
having a space or a place for those strategies for
coping skills to live. So when my children were little,
I set up a space in our home in our
living room where that was the coping corner, Like we
(25:23):
had posters up where we were working on feelings and
the strategies that they really liked to use were ready
to go in there. Now that they're older, they sort
of do that on their own in their rooms, so
they have like their own like little strategies, but having
a toolkit ready to go with things that you know
will work, that are like their top three to five strategies,
(25:44):
like what are these things? Visuals can be really helpful,
but to really be planful about it, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Yeah, yeah, I think it's so important. It's not something
that I knew to do when my kids were younger,
but now you know, just last month and the Regular
Kids product, I had a whole thing on how to
build your coping corner, calm corner.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Let your kid name it, let them own it, right,
give them all the tools that they want that they
feel like they connect with and are going to use.
And I think that's another good point too. It's like
you can suggest all the strategies in the world. If
your kid doesn't connect with it or doesn't want to
do it, it is never going to work. Like let
(26:27):
them lead in that way. Like we are all like, oh,
just breathe, just breathe, and they're like, ah, you know,
and it's because in that moment at least that doesn't
make sense for them, or it doesn't do it all
at all. So really leaning into what does our kid want.
Are they open to experimenting by trying this thing or
(26:47):
are they not? If they're not, you know, I wrote
down the word pressure a little bit ago as we
were talking, because a lot of what you're saying is
pulling back the pressure. Yes, you know, if you're doing
something else with your kid, coloring or whatever, that's less
pressure than this eye to eye conversation. Right, If you're
just building connection instead of going this was not okay,
(27:11):
we need to fix this and we're going.
Speaker 1 (27:12):
To have a conversation.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Right. You're just lifting that pressure that often makes our
kids shut down anyway, if they feel a lot of pressure,
they can they're not learning anything they can't, right, So
that pressure is difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
It was a.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
Difficult lesson for me as a parent because I'm a fixer.
Yes you know, I just want to get it done
and I want to fix it and I want everybody
to feel hunky dory all the time. And I had
to learn yes, that's not the way all the time.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I know the problem solving piece. It's really hard to
turn that off. It's really hard because especially when you're like, well,
if you just did this, it would be better, right, right,
Except they're their own like person, so like what works
for them is not what works necessarily for me. Like
my two kids cope in very different ways than I do.
Like my daughter copes in some in some ways we're
(28:00):
similarly to me. But my son is a super extrovert,
Like he'd be happy outside all day long, playing with
his friends. I'm like that sounds like my nightmaw. Yeah,
he love it. He loves, and I have to honor
that because that's him as a person, Like, okay, you
really like that, you want to be hanging out with
people that gives you energy. That is a way, like
(28:20):
you need to move to cope. I get it, Like
that is what is for you. It is not necessarily
my way. Like I would not ever pick to kick
a soccer ball, like never ever in my life ever,
but I would walk and I would dance right honoring
who they are it makes it easier for them to
actually do it because if it's coming from them, if
(28:41):
they're like I really like sudoku, I really like coloring,
I really like crochet, and that's something that's going to
help me, then it's going to be more likely that
they use it because it's something that they already like.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
Mm hmm for sure. Before we close, let's talk for
a second about parent coping skills, adult coping skills, because
you know, our nervous systems get triggered too. Where all
human beings have this autonomic nervous system that is our
sort of safety alarm to keep us safe and protected.
(29:13):
And when our kids are yelling at us, our body
is going to react, and we have to learn how
to do it differently and teach ourselves. How do we
do that? Like, I know that's a five week conversation,
but what are the basics? Where can we start?
Speaker 1 (29:31):
It's so funny that you asked me that, because I
am working actually on in a book for adults. So
I've written in a chice book, of written the teen book,
and now I'm writing the adult book because this is
such a big issue that comes up every single time
I speak or talk about coping skills for kids or
teens without fail, an adult will be like, well, I
am really struggling because I don't have my own strategies,
(29:53):
or the adults in my building are not coping well
and they are taking their anger out on the kids,
Like they're so much for us as the adult where
we need to build our own strategies and we never
learned them. Like I was luckily lucky enough to be
in therapy as a teenager, Like I don't know how
that happened, God bless my mom, but like I, and
(30:16):
it was really helpful. It was super duper up because
I really learned a lot of strategies that I still
actually use with my clients to this day. That were
really helpful, but not everybody had that opportunity, right, So
to be able to first recognize like, okay, I need
help with working on these strategies. It's okay, give yourself grace.
It is okay, be okay with being an imperfect human
(30:39):
because we all are, we all make mistakes, we all
do not do things one hundred percent perfectly. The second
thing is to think about, like, really, what are things
that bring you joy, that make you happy, that help
you relax, Like not what people are telling you, not
what like Instagram reels is pushing for you? Like what
(30:59):
makes you happy, what brings you toy, what makes you laugh,
what helps your brain get a break, And to really
build those things into your schedule. So that's really I
think the hardest part for families and for parents in
particular is to actually be intentional about our time, So
to intentionally build in those things that are going to
(31:22):
be those like mental wellness breaks that we need to
really fill our cups again. But then also in those
moments when our kids are having a hard time, we
need like nine to one to one skills, right, we
need like our emergency like I'm going to take a breath,
I'm going to put a cold compress on the back
of my neck, I'm going to take a drink of water,
I'm going to go outside, Like what are those things
that we can do in the moment to help us
(31:44):
stay regulated? So it's like there's we have to have
that in the moment skills just like our kids, and
we have to have those like, Okay, what are the
things that are going to help replenish me so I
can get up and do this again tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's not just about that even, It's also about coregulation
and offering coregulation right, and so much of what we've
talked about here. You know, when I'm talking to parents
about regulation activities and exercises, I'm like, bonus points. If
you do it with them, you should be doing it
with them because you're offering coregulation. You know, those mirror
(32:17):
neurons are getting activated, but also you're working on your
own nervous system with them. Like these are human being skills.
And I just think like if we taught kids, all
kids about emotional intelligence and emotional regulation, the world would
be a different place. Like you know, when we were kids,
(32:39):
nobody talked about that, Nobody thought about it. Our parents
didn't know unless maybe they were a therapist, they didn't
know about this stuff either. And that, you know, it's
just like this gap for a lot of generations that
I'm hoping now we can start filling because we'll have
happier humans. We'll have humans that interact better with each other,
(32:59):
that empathize with each other. Right, all the things that
I'm hoping that we keep building.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
Yes, And the thing about coregulation is that for those
resistant kids, even if they don't do it with you,
this is an opportunity for them to see. Okay, I
am noticing that my adult takes deep breaths when they
are having on It's not just me. I am noticing
my adult has big feelings about certain things and they
(33:25):
are doing things. I will actually narrate out loud what
I am doing. I will be like, I am really
frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a five
minute walk around the block. I will be right back.
I'm really irritated. I'm going to take a drink of water,
and I'm just going to take myself to time out
for five minutes and I'll be back, Like, I will
literally narrate it out loud for them. So even if
(33:46):
they're not doing it with me, I'm sharing what I
am doing. They see it in real life, like Okay,
mom gets frustrated, Mom gets angry? What do I do?
What does she do when she does this? You know,
even if they don't do it with me when they
were young, or I would have them do it with me,
But even if they don't do it with me, it's
still sharing what I am doing to keep myself calm.
M hm.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Yep. That modeling is so important. Yeah, yeah, so much
more we can talk about, but we are out of time.
So let everybody know where they can find you online,
where they can find the books, how they can learn
more from you.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Sure, So if you go to Coping Skills for Kids
dot com, there's a bunch of free resources on there
all about like anxiety, deep breathing, stress, anger. And then
if they want to get the books, they can go
to store dot Coping Skills for Kids dot com or
they're also available on Amazon.
Speaker 2 (34:37):
Nice, And I will link all of that up in
the show notes for everybody, which are at Parentingadhdanautism dot
com slash three zero nine for episode three hundred and nine,
And I really thank you Janine, I always have the
best conversations with you. I love to talk about emotional
regulation and coping skills with you. It's always fun and
it should be fun, like this is how we get
(34:59):
our kids in aged And I just appreciate you and
all the work that you're doing for kids and families
and thank you for sharing some of that with us.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Oh you're welcome. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so delighted to actually be connected with you because
it's you know, talking to somebody else who like get
who's in the world, Like like I want to talk
about coping skills all the time. Like I know, I'm yeah, yeah,
you're a nerd about that.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
Yeah, shared passion. It's fun to have conversation with people
who have a shared passion. For sure. I'll see everybody
in the next episode.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
Take good care.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If
you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't
forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching
at Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com and at The
Behavior Revolution dot com.
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