September 10, 2025 • 29 mins
What if your child’s meltdowns weren’t about defiance, disrespect, or “bad behavior” at all—but simply their nervous system doing what it was designed to do? In this episode, I unpack how animal instincts like Lumi the Owl, Prickles the Porcupine, Bolt the Cheetah, and Tuck the Possum signal what’s happening beneath the surface. When you learn to spot the state and meet the need, you stop wrestling with behavior and start tending the roots.
We’ll talk about how to recognize each instinct, what your child actually needs in those moments, and how to support without shame, blame, or power struggles. These aren’t loopholes; they’re nervous-system-savvy ways to bring safety and connection back online.
Take a deep breath with me. Let’s step into a gentler, more effective way to parent your beautifully complex child.👉 Tune in now to learn how animal instincts can transform the way you respond to your child’s behavior.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/327
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
We’ll talk about how to recognize each instinct, what your child actually needs in those moments, and how to support without shame, blame, or power struggles. These aren’t loopholes; they’re nervous-system-savvy ways to bring safety and connection back online.
Take a deep breath with me. Let’s step into a gentler, more effective way to parent your beautifully complex child.👉 Tune in now to learn how animal instincts can transform the way you respond to your child’s behavior.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/327
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
It's not perfection, it's not precision, it's not saying just
the right thing. It's matching the need. We're getting a
signal of need through that animal instinct, and we need
to match that signal that we're getting. Welcome to Beautifully Complex,
(00:22):
where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent
kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I
know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be.
Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient,
beautifully complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
(00:43):
join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Let's start by taking a breath together in out. Now,
imagine this. Your child is melting down before school, and
(01:07):
every tool you reach for slips through your fingers. You
hear the clock, you see the backpack, you feel your
body tense up. It's tempting to label that moment defiance
of reaction, attention seeking. But what if, what if what
you're seeing isn't a character flaw. What if it's nature
(01:29):
speaking Today we're talking about animal instincts, your child's built
in survival system, and how decoding, it changes everything. We
all have the same built in survival system. So this
isn't just about our kids. It's also about us, the
adults in their lives. Because behavior isn't the problem, it's
(01:52):
the signal. Behavior isn't the problem. It's the signal, and
when you learn to follow it, you change the story
for your entire family. I like to teach this through
four animal guides. Loomy the owl is a steady, watchful
state where learning and connection are possible. Prickles the porcupine
(02:17):
is our fight response, where energy surges outward like quills,
that instinctual putting up the quills, putting up a barrier
of protection. Right. The cheetah is our flight response, where
energy sprints away from the threat. We are running, we're fleeing,
(02:38):
and tuck the possum is the freeze or shut down response,
where stillness protects and conserves. These aren't just cute metaphors.
They're a shared language for what the nervous system is
doing underneath the behavior. Those roots that you can't always see,
thriving starts in the nervous system for all of us,
(03:01):
for us, for our kids, every human. Once you can
spot the state you can support the child. Here's the
quiet truth. Our kid's behavior often makes perfect sense once
you dig deeper and you understand their body's alarm system.
You're not raising a problem to fix. You're raising a
(03:23):
nervous system to understand. When we parent with signal parenting,
seeing behavior as a signal rather than a problem, we
stop wrestling with the surface and we start tending the roots.
We're digging deeper and we're finding out what is fueling
(03:44):
this behavior, why is it happening. Regulation unlocks relief and
growth keeps that relief and momentum going. Today, I'm going
to give you clear snapshots of each animal, how to
spot the animal, what it needs, what to say, and
some tiny adjustments that make big differences. You can also
(04:07):
take the Animal Instincts quiz and find out which animal
instinct is most present for your kid and what it means,
and get strategies specific for that animal that instinctual response
that will help you with your particular kid. That's at
parentingadhdan Autism dot com slash quiz. So let's start with
(04:30):
looking at Loomy, the state we're aiming to visit as
often as possible. No one is regulated all the time,
so we cannot be loomy all the time. Loomy sounds
like curiosity. Loomy looks like a relaxed jaw, a steady breath,
and it feels like I can try, I can do this.
(04:53):
This is when your child can collaborate, They can problem solve,
and they can reflect. To invite loomy, invite regulation. Keep
routines rhythmic, not rigid. Offer choices with boundaries. You might say, first, backpack,
then your song in the car. You can use visual
(05:14):
anchors like a simple morning routine card, a feeling's thermometer,
or a feel need do bullseye. For example, project transition
time like treasure, a five minute warm up can change
the entire morning. Try it today by saying this, your
body looks settled. Want to pick the blue marker or
(05:37):
the green one to check off your list with prickles.
Prickles shows up when your child's system says stand your ground.
You might see tight fists. They might be speaking with
fast words. They might raise their voice, have a louder voice.
The face might have a prickly expression. Before you even
(05:59):
say it, this isn't disrespect, it's defense. It's the nervous
system saying I don't feel safe and I'm going to
fight to protect myself. Prickles need space and sturdy presence.
You're the tall tree in a windstorm. You might bend
a little bit. You're not going to break. You're not
(06:21):
going to snap. Predictable exits for energy. You can do
a wall, push chair squishes, carry something that's really heavy
with weight, chew on something crunchy, or tap a drum.
Get a drum beat going, and you want clear and
(06:44):
fewer words. This is really important, folks. When your kid
is disregulated, which prickles and bolt and tuck are all disregulated.
If you have a disregulated kid, you need less talking.
You're a Onions are going to be gasoline for pickles.
You are going to escalate the situation. Something You might say,
(07:08):
I'm here, your body feels big, Let's give it a
job to do wall push for account of ten, I'll
count with you. We'll talk when words feel safe again.
I'll stay close again. You need to know your kid.
If your kid doesn't want you to stay close when
they're pickles, then you can say I'm going to go
in the other room, but I'm here if you need
(07:29):
me right, So tweaking it. However you can for your
specific kid. These are general ideas to tweak the environment
for prickles. You can keep something you might call a
strength station. It might have therapy putty, those hand grippers
that exercise hands, yoga mat, a heavy book to hold,
(07:51):
or maybe some little at home weights to hold, something
that has some real heft to it. Decide of time
a signal for getting a break from conversation. Maybe it's
a handover a heart. Maybe you have a card that
says I need to pause. Maybe you just tug on
(08:12):
your ear and that's a signal between you that a
break is needed from the conversation. It doesn't mean that
you can't come back to it. It just means there
needs to be a break at that moment, and then
you want to repair later. Repair happens when Loomy returns.
(08:32):
You could say your body was protecting you. What did
it need right before Prickles showed up. Then you're getting
to the root of what the need was. What was
that behavior signaling, Because it's signaling a need. When we
have bolt, the cheetah bolt says get me out of here,
you'll see maybe darting eyes looking for exits like fidgeting
(08:56):
hand maybe kicking of the legs, avoidance, avoidance as a
big one, humor as a shield, or speed. Maybe they're moving,
talking or thinking really really fast. It isn't irresponsibility. They're
not trying to get out of doing something. It's escape
for self preservation. Bolt needs exit options without punishment, exit
(09:21):
options without punishment, movement that organizes but doesn't overwhelm. A
short run to the mailbox, scootering down the hallway. Maybe
at school they get to deliver this note. Job they
need to take a note to the office or to
the guidance Counselor you're going to narrow things down one
(09:44):
step and then a reset. You could say something like,
your legs want to go, let's give them a safe
path mailbox and back. We'll do the first line together
and then take a break. Or it's okay to take space.
I'll be by the door when you're ready. No pressure.
We never want a pressure. When kins are disregulated, it
(10:07):
only makes them more disregulated. Environmental tweaks for BOLT could
be a visible sort of safe lane for transitions. Maybe
you put some tape on the floor from the bedroom
to the bathroom, or you do a hop and spot path.
You might tape out a cozy corner timer's your child
(10:28):
controls can be a good tool, but your child needs
to control it. You might say press start when your
body says I'm readyish right, don't have to be all
the way ready, But when they're starting to feel more ready,
they can set a timer for how much longer they
think it might take. The timer goes off and they're
still not ready, that's okay, and you need to offer
(10:50):
that language and that permission as well. Again, as with
every state of dysregulation, we want to repair later when
loomy returns. When your feet wanted to run, what felt
like it was too much? How can we make that
smaller next time? How can we make that doable next time?
(11:12):
And then finally we have Tuck. Tuck is our quiet protector,
our possum. It might look like stillness, blank, stares, a
soft I don't know, or I'm fine when they're really not.
It's not laziness. It's conservation, conservation of energy and self protection. Again,
(11:34):
what Tuck needs is safety without demand, warmth through the senses,
something that sounds or smells or feels cozy, maybe a
weighted lappad soft lighting, familiar sense. Sometimes they don't have
to be a cozy scent, but if they're familiar, they're soothing,
(11:56):
and of course a low demand presence. Start very very small.
When a kid is in that tuck state of freeze
or shut down. Just think about the first millimeter. You
might say, I see the stillness. We can be slow.
(12:17):
I'll sit here, tap my knee when you want some water,
or let's start with the tiniest step. Cap off the marker.
That's all you have to do to tweak the environment
for a kid who often is disregulated into this freezer
shut down state. You can create a soft corner. Might
have a lower cozy chair, a knitted blanket or soft blanket,
(12:40):
noise reducing headphones or ear muffs, maybe one single fidget
or regulation tool. And you want to keep language visible.
Write one word, point to one thing, nod to one thing,
or nod in agreement, and then again repairing later when
(13:04):
loomy returns. You might say, your body got quiet to
protect you. Which part felt safest, the blanket, the corner,
the quiet. Let's remember that for next time. Remember that
a kid who is in that freeze or shut down state,
tuck the possum. They may look compliant, and they may
(13:27):
look like everything is okay, and it is not internally,
So you need to learn how to spot when a
kid isn't just being compliant, they're actually disregulated and not
doing well and they need some help. If you've been
listening for a while, you're familiar with my back to
(13:49):
School prep Week, where I set neurodivergent kids and their
families up for success right when the school year starts.
There's another podcast that will help you navigate the rest
of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap, and it's
all about special education. Let's be real, all those acronyms
alone I EP five, oh four, FBA, BP can be overwhelming.
(14:14):
All you want is for your kid to have the
opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from special educators, child psychologists,
and other learning experts who know their stuff and give
you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity Gap and
I was blown away. Julian Savedra and his guests break
(14:35):
it down in simple terms, highlight where to focus your energy,
and give you simple steps to advocate efficiently. So if
you've ever walked out of a school meeting, wondering what
just happened. Go search for opportunity gap in your podcast app.
That's opportunity gap. When you're unsure about what animal instinct
(15:06):
there might be, you can sort of scan some things
quickly and get a good idea. When we think about
the eyes, if the eyes are locked on you, that's
probably fight. That's prickles. If the eyes are scanning exits,
that might be Bolt looking to flee. If eyes are
(15:27):
sort of glazed or not really focused on something, that
could be tuck the possum in that free state. If
the eyes are engaged, then they might be loomy, and
they might be regulated. With the breath, they're often in
fight or flight, like Prickles or Bolt. If their breath
(15:50):
is fast or high. If you can barely tell that
their breathing, if it's really shallow or really quiet, they
may be in that freeze state. If the breath is steady,
then we're back with loomy the owl who's regulated. We
can take a look at our kids' muscles and try
(16:10):
to determine what state they're in. If the muscles are
coiled or maybe clinched right, that's fight, that's prickles. If
they're springy or edgy, they're kind of, you know, ready
to get moving. You can sort of tell that, and
that would be flight bo't the cheetah. If they seem
(16:33):
sort of heavy, that is the freeze state. And if
they seem flexible, ready to move to whatever might be
happening to adapt to the situation, they're probably regulated like loomy.
We can also get some clues through our kid's words.
Sharp words are that fight sense, rapid or avoidant words
(16:57):
are going to be flight, flat or no talking or
language or intonation might be freeze. And then if a
kid seems curious, then they're regulated because it feels safe
to be curious, and that would be loomy. They could
have sort of this different protest style that would signal
(17:21):
different nervous system states. If they sort of push back
in protest, that's fight. If they sort of move away,
if they try to avoid, that's often flight shut down.
If they just completely don't engage in protest, then we're
in that freeze or shut down state. And if they
try to negotiate, they might be loomy. They might be
(17:44):
regulated and able to have this conversation and to take
some risk within that conversation, name the animal that comes
to mind first, and then meet that state on purpose.
With intention, I'm going to paint a scene that I
think many of us know. Getting out in the door
(18:05):
in the morning and your child is refusing to put
on socks or shoes or both. You're feeling the time crusher.
You're feeling that your own animal is starting to get
keyed up inside of you. And you might at some
point in time yell or snap, put shoes on now.
(18:28):
But we need to shift that right because we're understanding
that that behavior isn't necessarily intention, it's a nervous system response,
it's a signal. So our new script might be I'm
going to spot the state. Are those quills, are they
fast feet, are they quiet eyes? Which animal instinct might
(18:50):
have taken control at this moment for my kid today.
Let's say, for example, it's bolt, eyes are scanning, toes
are tapping. You might kneel to lower the social load,
get closer to eye level. You don't have to insist
on eye contact. You don't need to get in your
(19:12):
kid's space if that's not comfortable for them. But if
you get more on the same level, it's going to
reduce the social load. You might say, it looks like
your legs want to move. Let's race just to the
shoes by the door, ready set, And your kid might
already be running because that's what their nervous system is
(19:33):
already telling them that they need to be doing. Then
once they get to the shoes, you might offer some choices.
Do you want velcro er slip ons today? Do you
want boots or sneakers? And then your nervous system stays
with them, sort of like a lighthouse or an anchor.
Shoes happen not because you engaged in a battle, not
(19:57):
because you won the power of control, but because you
followed those signals with what your kid needed and what
was going on internally for them. That's the shift. It's
not perfection, it's not precision, it's not saying just the
right thing. It's matching the need. We're getting a signal
(20:19):
of need through that animal instinct, and we need to
match that signal that we're getting. Here's some alternatives that
meet each animal without inflaming it, without escalating that dysregulation.
So instead of saying stop yelling, try your voice is big,
Let's give it a job. Roar into the pillow five times,
(20:43):
or instead of don't walk away from me, try take
ten steps to the wall, touch it and come back.
I'll count for you. Or instead of answer me you're
not listening, answer me, I'll put my hand here and
wait with you. You might put your hand on their shoulder,
(21:03):
blink if you think a drink of cold water would help.
Instead of saying use your words, which oh my gosh,
I said to my kids a million times because that's
what the parenting books tell you to do, but it's
not so helpful. So we're not going to say use
your words. We're going to try saying point to yes
or no. We'll start there. You might say thumbs up
(21:27):
for us, thumbs down for no. These aren't loopholes. Their
nervous system savvy pathways back to connection, choice capacity, which
is regulation. We can't ignore our own instincts either. We
have the same nervous system. Maybe your porcupine pops up
(21:47):
when a teach, your emails or the phone rings and
you're pretty sure it's going to be the school calling.
Maybe your cheatah sprints when the morning slips away. Maybe
your possum goes quiet after a tough argument in an
IEP meeting. Here's a compassionate rhythm that I want you
to practice. Spot your state without judgment. My quills are out,
(22:12):
not oh my gosh, I'm angry and I shouldn't be angry,
and shame on me. Right, No blame and shame, just stating,
matter of factly, my quills are out. Then give your
body a job, a wall push, you can pace in
a loop, you can wash your hands in cold water.
You might hum, and then narrate safety. You can narrate
(22:35):
in your head. You don't have to say it out loud,
but you need to narrate safety. I can be the
tall tree. I don't have to solve this in one breath.
This is temporary. Then choose the smallest next right thing.
It's all about small steps. The message to yourself is
the message you give your child. You are not broken.
(22:59):
You are a dap. You don't need a full overhaul. Folks,
choose one tiny action and repeat it until it sticks.
Maybe in the morning, preview, which animal do you think
might show up this morning? What would help it to
feel safe? Maybe a doorway reset. You put your hand
(23:19):
to your heart at the thresholds of your doorways, bedroom
to kitchen, car, to school and exhale once together, you
could do a strengths station. Put two regulating tools where
the friction often lives. Is it by the backpack hook?
Is it near the homework spot. Keep these tools ready
(23:42):
in places where they might be useful, so they can
be used before we get to intensive dysregulation. You could
do a loomy check in at bedtime. When did your
owl visit today? When did you feel like loomy? And
then let their brain tag safety before they sleep. That's
(24:02):
a good part of the day if they were regulated.
Small hinges swing big doors. We can take small steps
to make big change. Repair doesn't require lectures. It doesn't
require consequences nor punishments. It just asks for reflection and rehearsal. Also,
(24:26):
you might think ritual there then you can reflect what
did your body feel first? Was it hot? Hands? Fast, feed?
Heavy chest? You can give them options, but don't assume
that you know the answer. Let your kid decide and
then name the need that sounds like prickles needed a
(24:47):
job to do, and you might model that for them.
Stand up, push the wall together, count to five, and
then high five. There's always bonus points, always more movement
in the right direction with coregulation model it do it together,
(25:08):
and then you want to appreciate effort. Always appreciate effort.
You noticed really early, that's brave work. That was a
really great job. You noticed that prickles was lingering and
wanted to come out, and you reached into your bag
of tools. You reached into your toolbox and you did
(25:29):
something that was going to help you. We are one
thousand percent not chasing compliance. This is not about compliance
in any way, shape or form. We're building capacity because
that's the kind of growth that lasts. Some days, even
the best strategies aren't going to work, folks, Some days
(25:49):
none of this is going to work, and it's just
a day where there wasn't enough capacity. It's not because
you did it wrong. It's because the nervous systems are living,
breathing things, and this world can be a lot for
any of us, and it can especially be a lot
for neurodivergent kids. On those days, those days when none
(26:11):
of this works and it's just so hard, your one
and only job is to be present. You can't always
change the weather, but you can be the anchor in
the storm. You can be that steady presence. But You're
also allowed to take a beat, you can spend a
(26:32):
few extra minutes in the bathroom. You're allowed to ask
your kid for a do over. You're allowed to be
a human being in front of your little human and
I encourage it. I am one hundred percent for making
sure that your kids see that you are human too.
That vulnerability doesn't weaken your authority. It deepens your connection,
(26:57):
and the connection is the cornerstone of everything. Animal instincts
are kind of giving us a compass. Lommy reminds us
of what's possible, Prickles shows us the strength beneath the spikes.
Bolt teaches us that movement is wisdom, not misbehavior, and
(27:18):
Tuck tells us that silence is protection, not defiance. And you,
the parent, are the steady guide who sees those roots.
You're seeing what's underneath, and you are nurturing and caring
for that. If you want a simple way to discover
your kid's most common state and get tailored strategies, you
(27:42):
can take the animal Instincts quiz that I mentioned earlier.
This is for all ages, not just for young kids.
You don't have to talk to your kid with this
animal language. You can use the other language. So instead
of prickles you know your your porcupines coming out, you
can just say you're getting prickly that part of your
nervous system is trying to protect you. So this is
(28:04):
for all ages. The quiz is Parenting ADHD and Autism
dot Com slash quiz. It's quick, less than five minutes,
it's free, and I designed it to help you spot
the state and meet the need without the constant guesswork.
If you're ready to go deeper, there's always the Regulated
(28:26):
Kids Project, which gives you a rhythm of growth, community
support and tools that actually fit real life. Because I
know thriving starts in the nervous system and that regulation
and emotional intelligence lead to thriving. There is no other path.
Thank you all for being here for listening today. If
(28:48):
this episode gave you a little breath of possibility, I
hope you'll share it with a friend or a family
member who might need that same big exhale. If you're
loving the show, it helps so much when you and
leave a review. That's how more families can find this support.
I'll see you in the next episode. Take good care,
(29:10):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work. And
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(29:31):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
It's not perfection, it's not precision, it's not saying just
the right thing. It's matching the need. We're getting a
signal of need through that animal instinct, and we need
to match that signal that we're getting. Welcome to Beautifully Complex,
(00:22):
where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent
kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I
know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be.
Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient,
beautifully complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
(00:43):
join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Let's start by taking a breath together in out. Now,
imagine this. Your child is melting down before school, and
(01:07):
every tool you reach for slips through your fingers. You
hear the clock, you see the backpack, you feel your
body tense up. It's tempting to label that moment defiance
of reaction, attention seeking. But what if, what if what
you're seeing isn't a character flaw. What if it's nature
(01:29):
speaking Today we're talking about animal instincts, your child's built
in survival system, and how decoding, it changes everything. We
all have the same built in survival system. So this
isn't just about our kids. It's also about us, the
adults in their lives. Because behavior isn't the problem, it's
(01:52):
the signal. Behavior isn't the problem. It's the signal, and
when you learn to follow it, you change the story
for your entire family. I like to teach this through
four animal guides. Loomy the owl is a steady, watchful
state where learning and connection are possible. Prickles the porcupine
(02:17):
is our fight response, where energy surges outward like quills,
that instinctual putting up the quills, putting up a barrier
of protection. Right. The cheetah is our flight response, where
energy sprints away from the threat. We are running, we're fleeing,
(02:38):
and tuck the possum is the freeze or shut down response,
where stillness protects and conserves. These aren't just cute metaphors.
They're a shared language for what the nervous system is
doing underneath the behavior. Those roots that you can't always see,
thriving starts in the nervous system for all of us,
(03:01):
for us, for our kids, every human. Once you can
spot the state you can support the child. Here's the
quiet truth. Our kid's behavior often makes perfect sense once
you dig deeper and you understand their body's alarm system.
You're not raising a problem to fix. You're raising a
(03:23):
nervous system to understand. When we parent with signal parenting,
seeing behavior as a signal rather than a problem, we
stop wrestling with the surface and we start tending the roots.
We're digging deeper and we're finding out what is fueling
(03:44):
this behavior, why is it happening. Regulation unlocks relief and
growth keeps that relief and momentum going. Today, I'm going
to give you clear snapshots of each animal, how to
spot the animal, what it needs, what to say, and
some tiny adjustments that make big differences. You can also
(04:07):
take the Animal Instincts quiz and find out which animal
instinct is most present for your kid and what it means,
and get strategies specific for that animal that instinctual response
that will help you with your particular kid. That's at
parentingadhdan Autism dot com slash quiz. So let's start with
(04:30):
looking at Loomy, the state we're aiming to visit as
often as possible. No one is regulated all the time,
so we cannot be loomy all the time. Loomy sounds
like curiosity. Loomy looks like a relaxed jaw, a steady breath,
and it feels like I can try, I can do this.
(04:53):
This is when your child can collaborate, They can problem solve,
and they can reflect. To invite loomy, invite regulation. Keep
routines rhythmic, not rigid. Offer choices with boundaries. You might say, first, backpack,
then your song in the car. You can use visual
(05:14):
anchors like a simple morning routine card, a feeling's thermometer,
or a feel need do bullseye. For example, project transition
time like treasure, a five minute warm up can change
the entire morning. Try it today by saying this, your
body looks settled. Want to pick the blue marker or
(05:37):
the green one to check off your list with prickles.
Prickles shows up when your child's system says stand your ground.
You might see tight fists. They might be speaking with
fast words. They might raise their voice, have a louder voice.
The face might have a prickly expression. Before you even
(05:59):
say it, this isn't disrespect, it's defense. It's the nervous
system saying I don't feel safe and I'm going to
fight to protect myself. Prickles need space and sturdy presence.
You're the tall tree in a windstorm. You might bend
a little bit. You're not going to break. You're not
(06:21):
going to snap. Predictable exits for energy. You can do
a wall, push chair squishes, carry something that's really heavy
with weight, chew on something crunchy, or tap a drum.
Get a drum beat going, and you want clear and
(06:44):
fewer words. This is really important, folks. When your kid
is disregulated, which prickles and bolt and tuck are all disregulated.
If you have a disregulated kid, you need less talking.
You're a Onions are going to be gasoline for pickles.
You are going to escalate the situation. Something You might say,
(07:08):
I'm here, your body feels big, Let's give it a
job to do wall push for account of ten, I'll
count with you. We'll talk when words feel safe again.
I'll stay close again. You need to know your kid.
If your kid doesn't want you to stay close when
they're pickles, then you can say I'm going to go
in the other room, but I'm here if you need
(07:29):
me right, So tweaking it. However you can for your
specific kid. These are general ideas to tweak the environment
for prickles. You can keep something you might call a
strength station. It might have therapy putty, those hand grippers
that exercise hands, yoga mat, a heavy book to hold,
(07:51):
or maybe some little at home weights to hold, something
that has some real heft to it. Decide of time
a signal for getting a break from conversation. Maybe it's
a handover a heart. Maybe you have a card that
says I need to pause. Maybe you just tug on
(08:12):
your ear and that's a signal between you that a
break is needed from the conversation. It doesn't mean that
you can't come back to it. It just means there
needs to be a break at that moment, and then
you want to repair later. Repair happens when Loomy returns.
(08:32):
You could say your body was protecting you. What did
it need right before Prickles showed up. Then you're getting
to the root of what the need was. What was
that behavior signaling, Because it's signaling a need. When we
have bolt, the cheetah bolt says get me out of here,
you'll see maybe darting eyes looking for exits like fidgeting
(08:56):
hand maybe kicking of the legs, avoidance, avoidance as a
big one, humor as a shield, or speed. Maybe they're moving,
talking or thinking really really fast. It isn't irresponsibility. They're
not trying to get out of doing something. It's escape
for self preservation. Bolt needs exit options without punishment, exit
(09:21):
options without punishment, movement that organizes but doesn't overwhelm. A
short run to the mailbox, scootering down the hallway. Maybe
at school they get to deliver this note. Job they
need to take a note to the office or to
the guidance Counselor you're going to narrow things down one
(09:44):
step and then a reset. You could say something like,
your legs want to go, let's give them a safe
path mailbox and back. We'll do the first line together
and then take a break. Or it's okay to take space.
I'll be by the door when you're ready. No pressure.
We never want a pressure. When kins are disregulated, it
(10:07):
only makes them more disregulated. Environmental tweaks for BOLT could
be a visible sort of safe lane for transitions. Maybe
you put some tape on the floor from the bedroom
to the bathroom, or you do a hop and spot path.
You might tape out a cozy corner timer's your child
(10:28):
controls can be a good tool, but your child needs
to control it. You might say press start when your
body says I'm readyish right, don't have to be all
the way ready, But when they're starting to feel more ready,
they can set a timer for how much longer they
think it might take. The timer goes off and they're
still not ready, that's okay, and you need to offer
(10:50):
that language and that permission as well. Again, as with
every state of dysregulation, we want to repair later when
loomy returns. When your feet wanted to run, what felt
like it was too much? How can we make that
smaller next time? How can we make that doable next time?
(11:12):
And then finally we have Tuck. Tuck is our quiet protector,
our possum. It might look like stillness, blank, stares, a
soft I don't know, or I'm fine when they're really not.
It's not laziness. It's conservation, conservation of energy and self protection. Again,
(11:34):
what Tuck needs is safety without demand, warmth through the senses,
something that sounds or smells or feels cozy, maybe a
weighted lappad soft lighting, familiar sense. Sometimes they don't have
to be a cozy scent, but if they're familiar, they're soothing,
(11:56):
and of course a low demand presence. Start very very small.
When a kid is in that tuck state of freeze
or shut down. Just think about the first millimeter. You
might say, I see the stillness. We can be slow.
(12:17):
I'll sit here, tap my knee when you want some water,
or let's start with the tiniest step. Cap off the marker.
That's all you have to do to tweak the environment
for a kid who often is disregulated into this freezer
shut down state. You can create a soft corner. Might
have a lower cozy chair, a knitted blanket or soft blanket,
(12:40):
noise reducing headphones or ear muffs, maybe one single fidget
or regulation tool. And you want to keep language visible.
Write one word, point to one thing, nod to one thing,
or nod in agreement, and then again repairing later when
(13:04):
loomy returns. You might say, your body got quiet to
protect you. Which part felt safest, the blanket, the corner,
the quiet. Let's remember that for next time. Remember that
a kid who is in that freeze or shut down state,
tuck the possum. They may look compliant, and they may
(13:27):
look like everything is okay, and it is not internally,
So you need to learn how to spot when a
kid isn't just being compliant, they're actually disregulated and not
doing well and they need some help. If you've been
listening for a while, you're familiar with my back to
(13:49):
School prep Week, where I set neurodivergent kids and their
families up for success right when the school year starts.
There's another podcast that will help you navigate the rest
of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap, and it's
all about special education. Let's be real, all those acronyms
alone I EP five, oh four, FBA, BP can be overwhelming.
(14:14):
All you want is for your kid to have the
opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from special educators, child psychologists,
and other learning experts who know their stuff and give
you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity Gap and
I was blown away. Julian Savedra and his guests break
(14:35):
it down in simple terms, highlight where to focus your energy,
and give you simple steps to advocate efficiently. So if
you've ever walked out of a school meeting, wondering what
just happened. Go search for opportunity gap in your podcast app.
That's opportunity gap. When you're unsure about what animal instinct
(15:06):
there might be, you can sort of scan some things
quickly and get a good idea. When we think about
the eyes, if the eyes are locked on you, that's
probably fight. That's prickles. If the eyes are scanning exits,
that might be Bolt looking to flee. If eyes are
(15:27):
sort of glazed or not really focused on something, that
could be tuck the possum in that free state. If
the eyes are engaged, then they might be loomy, and
they might be regulated. With the breath, they're often in
fight or flight, like Prickles or Bolt. If their breath
(15:50):
is fast or high. If you can barely tell that
their breathing, if it's really shallow or really quiet, they
may be in that freeze state. If the breath is steady,
then we're back with loomy the owl who's regulated. We
can take a look at our kids' muscles and try
(16:10):
to determine what state they're in. If the muscles are
coiled or maybe clinched right, that's fight, that's prickles. If
they're springy or edgy, they're kind of, you know, ready
to get moving. You can sort of tell that, and
that would be flight bo't the cheetah. If they seem
(16:33):
sort of heavy, that is the freeze state. And if
they seem flexible, ready to move to whatever might be
happening to adapt to the situation, they're probably regulated like loomy.
We can also get some clues through our kid's words.
Sharp words are that fight sense, rapid or avoidant words
(16:57):
are going to be flight, flat or no talking or
language or intonation might be freeze. And then if a
kid seems curious, then they're regulated because it feels safe
to be curious, and that would be loomy. They could
have sort of this different protest style that would signal
(17:21):
different nervous system states. If they sort of push back
in protest, that's fight. If they sort of move away,
if they try to avoid, that's often flight shut down.
If they just completely don't engage in protest, then we're
in that freeze or shut down state. And if they
try to negotiate, they might be loomy. They might be
(17:44):
regulated and able to have this conversation and to take
some risk within that conversation, name the animal that comes
to mind first, and then meet that state on purpose.
With intention, I'm going to paint a scene that I
think many of us know. Getting out in the door
(18:05):
in the morning and your child is refusing to put
on socks or shoes or both. You're feeling the time crusher.
You're feeling that your own animal is starting to get
keyed up inside of you. And you might at some
point in time yell or snap, put shoes on now.
(18:28):
But we need to shift that right because we're understanding
that that behavior isn't necessarily intention, it's a nervous system response,
it's a signal. So our new script might be I'm
going to spot the state. Are those quills, are they
fast feet, are they quiet eyes? Which animal instinct might
(18:50):
have taken control at this moment for my kid today.
Let's say, for example, it's bolt, eyes are scanning, toes
are tapping. You might kneel to lower the social load,
get closer to eye level. You don't have to insist
on eye contact. You don't need to get in your
(19:12):
kid's space if that's not comfortable for them. But if
you get more on the same level, it's going to
reduce the social load. You might say, it looks like
your legs want to move. Let's race just to the
shoes by the door, ready set, And your kid might
already be running because that's what their nervous system is
(19:33):
already telling them that they need to be doing. Then
once they get to the shoes, you might offer some choices.
Do you want velcro er slip ons today? Do you
want boots or sneakers? And then your nervous system stays
with them, sort of like a lighthouse or an anchor.
Shoes happen not because you engaged in a battle, not
(19:57):
because you won the power of control, but because you
followed those signals with what your kid needed and what
was going on internally for them. That's the shift. It's
not perfection, it's not precision, it's not saying just the
right thing. It's matching the need. We're getting a signal
(20:19):
of need through that animal instinct, and we need to
match that signal that we're getting. Here's some alternatives that
meet each animal without inflaming it, without escalating that dysregulation.
So instead of saying stop yelling, try your voice is big,
Let's give it a job. Roar into the pillow five times,
(20:43):
or instead of don't walk away from me, try take
ten steps to the wall, touch it and come back.
I'll count for you. Or instead of answer me you're
not listening, answer me, I'll put my hand here and
wait with you. You might put your hand on their shoulder,
(21:03):
blink if you think a drink of cold water would help.
Instead of saying use your words, which oh my gosh,
I said to my kids a million times because that's
what the parenting books tell you to do, but it's
not so helpful. So we're not going to say use
your words. We're going to try saying point to yes
or no. We'll start there. You might say thumbs up
(21:27):
for us, thumbs down for no. These aren't loopholes. Their
nervous system savvy pathways back to connection, choice capacity, which
is regulation. We can't ignore our own instincts either. We
have the same nervous system. Maybe your porcupine pops up
(21:47):
when a teach, your emails or the phone rings and
you're pretty sure it's going to be the school calling.
Maybe your cheatah sprints when the morning slips away. Maybe
your possum goes quiet after a tough argument in an
IEP meeting. Here's a compassionate rhythm that I want you
to practice. Spot your state without judgment. My quills are out,
(22:12):
not oh my gosh, I'm angry and I shouldn't be angry,
and shame on me. Right, No blame and shame, just stating,
matter of factly, my quills are out. Then give your
body a job, a wall push, you can pace in
a loop, you can wash your hands in cold water.
You might hum, and then narrate safety. You can narrate
(22:35):
in your head. You don't have to say it out loud,
but you need to narrate safety. I can be the
tall tree. I don't have to solve this in one breath.
This is temporary. Then choose the smallest next right thing.
It's all about small steps. The message to yourself is
the message you give your child. You are not broken.
(22:59):
You are a dap. You don't need a full overhaul. Folks,
choose one tiny action and repeat it until it sticks.
Maybe in the morning, preview, which animal do you think
might show up this morning? What would help it to
feel safe? Maybe a doorway reset. You put your hand
(23:19):
to your heart at the thresholds of your doorways, bedroom
to kitchen, car, to school and exhale once together, you
could do a strengths station. Put two regulating tools where
the friction often lives. Is it by the backpack hook?
Is it near the homework spot. Keep these tools ready
(23:42):
in places where they might be useful, so they can
be used before we get to intensive dysregulation. You could
do a loomy check in at bedtime. When did your
owl visit today? When did you feel like loomy? And
then let their brain tag safety before they sleep. That's
(24:02):
a good part of the day if they were regulated.
Small hinges swing big doors. We can take small steps
to make big change. Repair doesn't require lectures. It doesn't
require consequences nor punishments. It just asks for reflection and rehearsal. Also,
(24:26):
you might think ritual there then you can reflect what
did your body feel first? Was it hot? Hands? Fast, feed?
Heavy chest? You can give them options, but don't assume
that you know the answer. Let your kid decide and
then name the need that sounds like prickles needed a
(24:47):
job to do, and you might model that for them.
Stand up, push the wall together, count to five, and
then high five. There's always bonus points, always more movement
in the right direction with coregulation model it do it together,
(25:08):
and then you want to appreciate effort. Always appreciate effort.
You noticed really early, that's brave work. That was a
really great job. You noticed that prickles was lingering and
wanted to come out, and you reached into your bag
of tools. You reached into your toolbox and you did
(25:29):
something that was going to help you. We are one
thousand percent not chasing compliance. This is not about compliance
in any way, shape or form. We're building capacity because
that's the kind of growth that lasts. Some days, even
the best strategies aren't going to work, folks, Some days
(25:49):
none of this is going to work, and it's just
a day where there wasn't enough capacity. It's not because
you did it wrong. It's because the nervous systems are living,
breathing things, and this world can be a lot for
any of us, and it can especially be a lot
for neurodivergent kids. On those days, those days when none
(26:11):
of this works and it's just so hard, your one
and only job is to be present. You can't always
change the weather, but you can be the anchor in
the storm. You can be that steady presence. But You're
also allowed to take a beat, you can spend a
(26:32):
few extra minutes in the bathroom. You're allowed to ask
your kid for a do over. You're allowed to be
a human being in front of your little human and
I encourage it. I am one hundred percent for making
sure that your kids see that you are human too.
That vulnerability doesn't weaken your authority. It deepens your connection,
(26:57):
and the connection is the cornerstone of everything. Animal instincts
are kind of giving us a compass. Lommy reminds us
of what's possible, Prickles shows us the strength beneath the spikes.
Bolt teaches us that movement is wisdom, not misbehavior, and
(27:18):
Tuck tells us that silence is protection, not defiance. And you,
the parent, are the steady guide who sees those roots.
You're seeing what's underneath, and you are nurturing and caring
for that. If you want a simple way to discover
your kid's most common state and get tailored strategies, you
(27:42):
can take the animal Instincts quiz that I mentioned earlier.
This is for all ages, not just for young kids.
You don't have to talk to your kid with this
animal language. You can use the other language. So instead
of prickles you know your your porcupines coming out, you
can just say you're getting prickly that part of your
nervous system is trying to protect you. So this is
(28:04):
for all ages. The quiz is Parenting ADHD and Autism
dot Com slash quiz. It's quick, less than five minutes,
it's free, and I designed it to help you spot
the state and meet the need without the constant guesswork.
If you're ready to go deeper, there's always the Regulated
(28:26):
Kids Project, which gives you a rhythm of growth, community
support and tools that actually fit real life. Because I
know thriving starts in the nervous system and that regulation
and emotional intelligence lead to thriving. There is no other path.
Thank you all for being here for listening today. If
(28:48):
this episode gave you a little breath of possibility, I
hope you'll share it with a friend or a family
member who might need that same big exhale. If you're
loving the show, it helps so much when you and
leave a review. That's how more families can find this support.
I'll see you in the next episode. Take good care,
(29:10):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work. And
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(29:31):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
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