328: Behavior Is a Signal: How to Decode What It’s Telling You, with Penny Williams

Behavior isn’t random. It’s not about disrespect, laziness, or a “bad attitude.” Every outburst, shutdown, or refusal is your child’s nervous system sending a signal.

In this episode of Beautifully Complex, I’m unpacking what those signals really mean and why the labels we often put on behavior — defiance, aggression, avoidance — miss the mark. You’ll learn how to look past the surface to see the need underneath, and how shifting from control to curiosity changes everything.

When you learn to decode behavior as a signal, you stop fighting the symptom and start supporting your child where they actually are. That’s the foundation of raising regulated, resilient kids who feel seen and understood.

Press play and discover how to start listening to the signals beneath your child’s behavior.

You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.

Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/328

Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
I've disregulated. My nervous system has sounded the alarm, and
my nervous system has sent my body into action to
protect me and for me in this moment that looks
like hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, But the truth
is the signal underneath that is I don't feel safe.

(00:23):
I'm trying to protect myself. Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where
we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids
with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I know
firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let's
dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully

(00:46):
complex kids together. Oh and if you want more support,
join our free community at hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Have you ever looked at your child mid meltdown and thought,

(01:07):
what on earth is going on here? You're not alone.
I've had those moments, and I think every parent that
I've worked with has had that moment too, sometimes multiple
times a day. But here's the thing that most of
us weren't taught to believe. Your child's behavior is actually

(01:31):
talking to you. Sometimes it talks really loudly. Sometimes it's
silent or whispers, but it's always talking to you. The
real question is do we know how to listen. If
you joined me for the last episode on animal instincts,
you'll remember that we talked about those nervous system states,

(01:55):
the owl who has regulated, the porcupine who has dysregulated
in fight, the cheetah who's disregulated in flea or flight,
and the possum who is disregulated in shut down. And
we talked about how each one shows up in your
child's behavior as stress responses. But today I want to

(02:19):
pick up right where we left off because once you
can spot the state, the next step is learning how
to decode that state, decode the signal, and that's what
this episode is all about. So let's start with the
biggest shift. Behavior isn't random, It isn't manipulative, It isn't oppositional,

(02:42):
it isn't defiant, it isn't disrespectful, and it definitely isn't bad.
I've said it there. It is. That is the honest truth.
It may feel like those things, but it isn't defined
as those things. In the last episode, I described how

(03:03):
those animal instincts are hardwired nervous system reactions. They're not choices,
their survival patterns. It's about the way our bodies are
wired for survival. And that's exactly why behavior can't just
be chalked up to willpower or to a bad attitude.

(03:25):
When your kid flips into fight, flight or freeze, whether
they look like that prickly porcupine, whether they're running off
like that cheetah, or maybe they're tucked away like a possum,
that is biology. It is not misbehavior. Their nervous system
is sending a loud, flashing signal to you. I don't

(03:49):
feel safe. Something is too much for me right now.
I need your help. I want you to think about this.
Kids don't wake up in the morning thinking how can
I ruin my parents' day today? They just don't. They
wake up like we do. They're hoping things are going
to go well. They're wanting to be loved, and they're

(04:12):
often very overwhelmed by things that they can't control. If
we can hold on to that reframe that behavior is
a signal, then we can start to meet our kids
where they really are. We can meet them where they
actually are. Now, let's talk about how easy it is

(04:35):
to misinterpret these signals. I'll give you a few examples.
Let's talk about defiance. When your child refuses to do
what you've asked, it can feel like disrespect, but often
defiance is a signal of overwhelm or a lack of safety.
And what is a lack of safety, It is disregulation.

(05:00):
Their nervous system is saying to you, this feels like
too much. I need more support before I can move forward.
Think about defining how things feel in a different way.
Instead of saying my kid refused to do this thing,
and so they're disrespecting me, say my kid is struggling

(05:24):
with this right now, and it's coming out in ways
that don't feel good to me because their nervous system
is sounding the alarm. If we think about laziness, maybe
your child avoids homework or chores and it looks like
they just don't care. But what if that laziness is

(05:47):
actually an executive function struggle. Maybe the steps feel like
a mountain and they have no idea where to start.
So that signal is actually saying to you, I need scaffolding,
help me break this down. I need your help with something.

(06:08):
If we think about aggression, hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things,
these are really classic fight state behaviors. I'm disregulated. My
nervous system has sounded the alarm, and my nervous system
has sent my body into action to protect me and

(06:29):
for me in this moment, that looks like hitting, yelling,
throwing things, breaking things. But the truth is the signal
underneath that is I don't feel safe. I'm trying to
protect myself. It is self preservation, it is trying to
stay alive. Honestly, that's the way our biology was created

(06:52):
to keep us alive. Our autonomic nervous system's number one
job is to keep us alive, and so it is
going to do whatever it feels it needs to do
in order to do that. And sometimes those things look
like defiance, aggression, laziness, misbehavior, disrespect, opposition, right, but we

(07:15):
have to change the narrative around that and reframe the behaviors.
If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with
my back to School Prep Week, where I set neurodivergent
kids and their families up for success right when the
school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you

(07:37):
navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap,
and it's all about special education. Let's be real, all
those acronyms alone IEP five oh four, FBA, BP can
be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid to
have the opportunity for success. Right you'll hear from special educators,

(07:59):
child psychology and other learning experts who know their stuff
and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity
Gap and I was blown away. Julian Savadra and his
guests break it down in simple terms, highlight where to
focus your energy, and give you simple steps to advocate efficiently.

(08:23):
So if you've ever walked out of a school meeting
wondering what just happened, go search for Opportunity Gap in
your podcast app. That's Opportunity Gap. Let's talk about a

(08:45):
few quick examples. My own kid struggled with school refusal
for eight very long years. He dug in, he screamed,
He refused to get in the car at home sometimes,
or he refused to get out of the car at
school sometimes. One day he even tried to open the
door and get out of the moving car in the

(09:07):
middle of a five lane intersection because we were about
to reach school. On the surface, it really looked like
a whole lot of defiance, like a whole lot of
I don't want to go to school, so I'm not
going to go to school. You can't make me right.
That's what it felt like. That's what it looked like.
But underneath there was a body, and that body was screaming,

(09:32):
school feels unsafe. Sometimes it was bullying, Sometimes it was
other social struggles. Sometimes it was sensory overload. Sometimes it
was anxiety. But there was always a reason underneath it.
Often it was because no one understood how hard he
was trying. That was it. He just wanted to be seen,

(09:53):
heard and understood. If you have more than one kid,
you might have some sibling fights. You might have two
kids who are yelling, pushing, grabbing toys. What does that
look like? On the surface, it looks like meanness, looks
like selfishness, looks like a kid who's bossy. But underneath,

(10:14):
the signal is saying to you, I feel out of
control and I don't know how to get my needs met.
I don't know how to get my needs met. That
is something you can take and run with, right. That
is something that gives you information about why this thing
is happening and how to change that behavior. In that trajectory.

(10:37):
If we think about the example of homework battles, there's
often yelling, shouting, tears, refusal. My kid would wad up
and throw away his homework papers because worksheets were just
too much. On the surface, it felt like it was laziness,
It felt like disrespect. It might feel like a whole

(11:00):
lot of different things. You can interpret that and tell
yourself a lot of different stories about that behavior. But
underneath is executive function struggles, anxiety, maybe even shame from
repeated failure. It could be a learning disability getting in
the way. There's so many reasons why homework can be

(11:22):
a struggle for kids and why they might lash out
because of that struggle. But again, it's because of that
struggle underneath. It isn't just because they want to give
you a hard time. They want to make your life miserable.
They don't care about school, they don't care about their grades.
None of that is true. Kids do well if they can.

(11:45):
When they don't do well, it is on us to
figure out what the need is. That is our job
as a parent, that is our job as a caregiver.
It's our job, if we're the educator, to figure out
what the need is what is this signal that this
behavior is sending me? And how can I help? When

(12:05):
you start to see these patterns of what lies underneath,
then you're able to realize that the behavior isn't actually
the problem, it is simply the signal. So how do
we shift? How do we begin to respond differently? Instead
of asking how do I stop this behavior? How do

(12:28):
I control this kid? I want you to try asking
what is the behavior telling me about what my kid
needs right now? Or what is this behavior telling me
about what my student needs right now? That one shift
in your mindset is going to change everything. It moves

(12:50):
us from control trying to control that situation of that behavior,
to curiosity, from punishment to problems solving, from firefighting to prevention.
We're shifting from being reactive to proactive. Who doesn't want that?
That's what we all want. And the really beautiful part

(13:14):
of this is that your child feels the difference. They
will feel the difference and they will feel seen, they
will feel understood, and that changes how our nervous system feels.
It makes things more doable. It makes logic potentially doable.
It makes processing what your parent is saying to you

(13:37):
potentially doable. It builds the trust that makes real change possible.
So here's what I want you to take with you today,
to take with you after you finished listening. Every meltdown,
every shutdown, every outburst has a message. When you stop

(14:03):
seeing behavior as something to fix, and you start seeing
it as something to listen to, to tune into, to decode,
you're going to unlock a whole new way of parenting.
I promise you your family will exhale and things will be different.

(14:25):
It will take time to make these shifts. It will
take time for your kid to even trust these shifts.
If you're in a pattern of lecturing when things go wrong,
reactivity when things go wrong, with punishing or consequences, it's
going to take a while for your kid to even
be able to trust that this shift is genuine. But

(14:47):
it is going to change everything. Of course, once you
start decoding the signals, the real question then becomes, Okay, now,
how do I respond in ways that are going to
support regulation instead of adding fuel to the fire. We
don't want to co escalate with our kids. We want

(15:07):
to coregulate. We want to offer them that steady anchor
to attune to. This is exactly what The upcoming Behavior
SOS Summit is all about four days October tenth through thirteenth,
twenty six experts are going to give you the tools,
script strategies to respond to what your child's behavior is signaling.

(15:33):
They're going to help you learn to decode the signals
and then give you the tools to do what comes
next so that change can happen with challenging behavior. It's
completely free to join us October tenth through thirteenth, but
if you want lifetime access plus extra coaching and implementation

(15:55):
lab you can grab an all access pass. That's completely
up to you, but you can just pate one hundred
percent free. Head to Parenting Adhdanautism dot com slash summit
to save your spot. So between now and when the
summit happens, what can you do work on this mindset shift?

(16:17):
Behavior isn't the problem? Behavior is a signal? What is
the signal trying to tell me? What is my kid
having a hard time with? What help do they need
from me? You can find the show notes for this
episode at parentingadhdanautsism dot com slash three to eight. For

(16:42):
episode three hundred and twenty eight, I will have the
summit registration linked up there as well, and I really
hope to see you in the summit, but I will
definitely see you next time on Beautifully Complex, Take good Care,
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and

(17:05):
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get

(17:27):
more info at regulated kids dot com.