October 22, 2025 • 27 mins
The first few weeks of a new school year can feel like a fresh start — hopeful, organized, maybe even easy. And then, just as the weather begins to cool, everything begins to unravel. Mornings turn chaotic again. Homework becomes a battle. The spark in your child’s eyes starts to fade. That October crash isn’t a failure, it’s actually biology.
In this episode, I unpack why so many neurodivergent kids hit a wall a few weeks into the school year. The novelty that once lit up their brains fades, expectations rise, and their nervous systems grow tired from holding it all together. What looks like defiance or laziness is often a body saying, “I can’t keep doing it this way.” We’ll explore how to respond when school starts to feel like too much, without slipping into control or consequences. You’ll learn how to shift from asking “How do I make them do it?” to “What’s getting in the way?” and how safety, not structure, helps kids rebuild their capacity to cope.
If your child’s school year feels like it’s coming undone, this conversation will help you reframe what’s happening and find your footing again. You’ll walk away with practical tools and a gentler mindset to navigate this season with compassion, connection, and calm.
Listen now to learn how to meet your child where they are and bring hope back into the school year.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/332
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
In this episode, I unpack why so many neurodivergent kids hit a wall a few weeks into the school year. The novelty that once lit up their brains fades, expectations rise, and their nervous systems grow tired from holding it all together. What looks like defiance or laziness is often a body saying, “I can’t keep doing it this way.” We’ll explore how to respond when school starts to feel like too much, without slipping into control or consequences. You’ll learn how to shift from asking “How do I make them do it?” to “What’s getting in the way?” and how safety, not structure, helps kids rebuild their capacity to cope.
If your child’s school year feels like it’s coming undone, this conversation will help you reframe what’s happening and find your footing again. You’ll walk away with practical tools and a gentler mindset to navigate this season with compassion, connection, and calm.
Listen now to learn how to meet your child where they are and bring hope back into the school year.
You can find additional resources at parentingadhdandautism.com and Regulated Kids.com — because it’s not just about the struggles, it’s about progress, one step at a time.
Show notes and more resources at parentingadhdandautism.com/332
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/beautifully-complex--6137613/support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This October crash isn't a sign that your kid doesn't care.
It may feel like it, I promise you, but it's
not a sign that they don't care. It's a sign
that they've been working really hard to stay regulated in
this environment that's constantly testing their limits, and their body
is telling them I can't keep doing it this way.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:45):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Hey friends, it's Penny here. If you're noticinging that your
child's school year is starting to come undone, it's unraveling.
The morning battles are coming back, the homework tears are
showing up again. The spark that your kid had in
August feels like it's dimming. I want you to know
(01:18):
that you are so not alone this unraveling of what
I always called the honeymoon period started for us Every
single year in October, it just started to fall apart,
like clockwork. Every single October when my kid was younger,
I could practically set my watch to this, y'all. We'd
(01:39):
start the new school year with all this hope built up,
new supplies, a fresh start, a new teacher who maybe
seemed to finally really get this kid, and for the
first several weeks, things would go pretty good. Actually they
would go better than okay most of the time, sometimes
even great. And there went that hope welling up, building
(02:03):
up again right and then out of nowhere, the wheels
would just come off. Mornings got harder, Resistance to schools
started to grow. It crept back in, sometimes slowly, sometimes
it was just boom, here it is. We go from
(02:24):
great to so not great. Homework was a battlefield. The
confidence and optimism that my kid had when the school
year started really slowly faded back into frustration, back into tears,
back into exhaustion for both of us. I used to
(02:46):
think we had to be doing something wrong. We hadn't
prepared enough for a new school year. We've lost progress
over the summer. But I now know that this October
unraveling period when the honeymoon ended isn't failure. It's biology.
(03:07):
It's just the natural rhythm of how neurodivergent brains and
bodies respond to sustain demands and environments that don't work
for them over time. So I want to unpack that
with you today. Why is there a honeymoon period, why
does it fade? And what can you do when things
(03:29):
start falling apart? What can you do at that moment
without losing hope, without losing connection with your kid? I
first want to talk about why that honeymoon period happens
and why it ends. When the school year first begins,
everything is new. We have new teachers, new classrooms, new routines,
(03:50):
new faces, new expectations, sometimes even a new school. But
what we often miss is that for the ADHD brain,
new actually feels good. That novelty is stimulating. It wakes
up the brain's dopamine system, which for neuro divergent kids
(04:12):
often runs a little low on everyday tasks. Right, So
in those first few weeks, that fresh energy, that novelty,
that change can feel really motivating because it is lighting
up that ADHD brain, that newness. It's exciting and you'll
see it and think, oh my gosh, maybe this is
(04:34):
the year that everything's clicking right. You're so hopeful, the
optimism is growing. But the thing about that novelty is
it doesn't last, Guys. Once the newness wears off, which
it always will, once those routines become predictable, and the
daily grind sets in and the messages of you're not
(04:55):
trying hard enough and you're not doing this or keep
flowing that ADHD brain loses that extra spark of stimulation.
Suddenly what was exciting now becomes boring or hard. The
motivation that came so naturally to their body and their
(05:16):
brain before with that newness, now requires some real effort
to maintain, more effort to maintain. And that's when the
old struggles start to creep back in. That forgetfulness, the resistance,
the meltdowns, the dysregulation. And when that happens, both kids
(05:38):
and parents often feel defeated. I know I did. Every
single October. I knew that defeat Week was coming, but
I'd be really hopeful that maybe this was the year
that it wasn't gonna happen, And yet it did. And
the hope that this year will be different started to fade.
Like clockwork, The confidence built in those early weeks would
(06:02):
give way to self doubt. Why can't I just do this?
What's wrong with me? What am I not providing for
my kid that would make him or her or they successful?
So now not only are they working harder to manage
those demands of school, that system and environment that isn't
(06:22):
built for them. Now they're carrying emotional weight to disappointment, shame, frustration.
That's a lot for any nervous system to hold. So
let's talk about the nervous system and the role of
the nervous system in this newness and this crash. I
(06:43):
want to zoom out and really look at it through
that nervous system lens. When school starts, our kids' nervous
systems go into overdrive. They're navigating an avalanche of change.
They have new expectations, new sensory input, new pe full
to read, new schedules to follow, new social dynamics to manage.
(07:06):
Even if they seem to be doing fine on the outside,
remember that inside their system is working overtime just to
keep up. And they could be okay on the outside
but falling apart on the inside. It's not bad, it's adaptive,
but it's not sustainable. So what happens by October is
(07:29):
that the body starts running low on capacity. Our nervous
system has been working in overdrive and it has depleted capacity.
It's not that it's necessarily screaming for rest, it's screaming
for safety. Remember felt safety is the key to everything.
(07:51):
The nervous system has been scanning for danger for weeks,
trying to stay in that I can handle this state.
But eventually, if they're there's too much dysregulation for too long,
the brain starts to code the school environment as unsafe.
Our brains, our kids' brains are wiring that this environment
(08:15):
is unsafe. And here's where we see the real shift.
They stop being biologically available to learn. Because biologically, when
the brain perceives danger, even emotional danger, social danger, it
moves out of the thinking brain and into the survival brain.
(08:36):
Survival brain floods and blocks access to the thinking brain.
That means executive function, planning, organizing, task initiation, emotional regulation
goes offline. So if your kid is suddenly shutting down,
melting down, avoiding school, lashing out, this is a signal
(08:59):
from their nervous system saying I don't feel safe here anymore.
And safety doesn't always mean stillness, y'all. Sometimes the body
finds safety in rest less stimulation, more recovery. Other times, though,
safety comes from movement, running, climbing, pacing, bouncing, being outdoors
(09:24):
in nature. That's why some kids retreat and other kids
seem to ramp up and get activated. Both are nervous
system strategies to find equilibrium. Again, both of those are
those internal animal instincts that we all have, welling up
and taking action to protect us. So this October crash
(09:49):
isn't a sign that your kid doesn't care. It may
feel like it, I promise you it may feel like it,
but it's not a sign that they don't care. It's
a sign that they've been working really hard to stay
regulated in this environment that's constantly testing their limits, and
their body is telling them I can't keep doing it
(10:10):
this way. There's another layer two, and it's one that
really so often goes unnoticed. As the schooler progresses, that
demands for responsibility I'm using air quotes and accountability again.
With the air quotes get bigger, teachers start to expect
more independence and they expect kids to be able to
(10:34):
keep following through keep on that same level with less guidance.
In September, everything is explained carefully. Routines are taught, instructions
are modeled, Reminders are frequent because it's new. But by
October into late October, the assumption is you should know
(10:58):
this by now, this should be routine for you. Now
you don't need my extra help anymore. But our neurodivergent
kids often need that continued level of support, not because
they're not capable, but because executive function doesn't develop through
exposure alone. They need scaffolding that stays consistent, not support
(11:21):
that fades away the moment that the novelty does. They
need consistent support. So when explanations and reminders start to
drop off, kids who were holding it together through effort
and adrenaline and dopamine suddenly feel lost. And that sense
(11:42):
of I can't keep up starts to fuel even more
dysregulation and stress. And now we have all of these
forces commingling and colliding at once. Novelty is fading, confidence
is dropping, nervous system is overwhelm and dysregulated. Expectations are rising.
(12:04):
Do you feel the tension welling up in you as
you listen to that, because I feel it as I'm
saying it. My whole body tenses up just thinking about
all of those things piling on and colliding. It's no
wonder that this time period around October feels like everything
is just unraveling. But the truth is this is actually
(12:29):
the moment to lean in with compassion and not control.
We need to look beneath the behavior and ask, what
is this telling me about what this kid needs right now?
What is this behavior telling me about what this kid
needs right now? So let's talk about what to do
(12:49):
when things start to fall apart, when everything feels like
it's unraveling. Our natural instinct as the caring adult is
to tell in the reins more structure, more consequences, more
demands for compliance. But control doesn't build capacity people. Connection does.
(13:13):
Regulation does. Instead of asking how do I make them
do this? I want you to ask what's getting in
the way. We're going to stop asking how do I
make them do this? Or how do I make them
stop doing this? And we're going to start asking what
is getting in the way of meeting expectations? Is the
(13:36):
barrier emotional safety? Is it fatigue? Is it overwhelm? Is
it executive dysfunction? Executive function overload? You can't address what
you can't see, so you have to start with curiosity
instead of correction. Correction is way down the road, folks.
(13:57):
When I learn to pause and look beneath the behavior,
to really see the signal instead of just the surface,
everything shifted. I cannot say this enough to you in
all of these podcast episodes. Everything shifted when I started
seeing behavior as a signal. It didn't make the hard
(14:17):
moments disappear. It gave me a roadmap. I could see
when my kid was in fight, when he was in flight,
when he was frozen, and from there I could meet
him where he was. I could interpret what those states
meant that he needed, and then I was there where
he was, not where I wished that he could be.
(14:55):
By October, we often see what I call executive function
cold as it's when all the invisible mental skills that
help kids manage life, the organization, planning, flexibility, task initiation,
emotional regulation, they all start to crumble under the weight
of ongoing stress. Because remember, when our bodies are stressed,
(15:18):
our nervous system is disregulated. When our nervous system is disregulated,
the access to the thinking brain fades. We need the
thinking brain for any and all executive function. So let's
talk about a few of those areas and how to
support them with task initiation. Getting started is often the
(15:39):
hardest part. I want you to try some coregulation through
body doubling. Sit next to your kid while they're getting started,
or set a five minute timer where you start together.
Sometimes just sharing energy helps the brain to bridge the
gap between thinking and doing. To organization, keep systems simple
(16:03):
and visual. I cannot emphasize visual enough. When my kid
was in middle school, we color coded everything, which helped some.
We also simplified one binder had everything for every class
in it. That's what worked for him. It wasn't perfect,
(16:24):
but it gave his brain one less decision to make,
one less thing to try to figure out, and that
really mattered. It really made a difference. When we look
at planning, break assignments or routines into tiny visible steps.
Again tiny steps, and make it visible. Write one sentence
(16:48):
is much more doable than go finish your essay. Put
on your shoes is clearer than go get ready for school.
The brain loves clear. It is necessary to add an
additional layer of clarity for our nerdivergent kids flexibility. Our
(17:10):
kids thrive when change feels predictable, so give them gentle warning.
When plans shift, you can say something like we're going
to do something different today and then explain what will
stay the same and what will be different. That consistency
(17:30):
is going to build trust. Trust builds safety, safety builds regulation.
Remember that executive function is not a willpower issue, folks.
It's not willpower, it's not motivation, it's not character. It's
a skill set that develops over time through support and modeling,
(17:51):
and it is only available when regulated. Before you try
to teach or fix, I want you to are by regulating,
because when the nervous system is disregulated, learning and problem
solving simply aren't available. Hear me when I say that
it's not available. The thinking brain is not available. So
(18:15):
here is how to prioritize safety. First, start with sensory
breaks short regular breaks for movement, quiet, or deep pressure.
You need to understand your kid's sensory profile and what
kind of sensory input is settling to their nervous system,
and then provide that type of input a few minutes
(18:37):
of swinging stretching or wrapping up in a way to
blanket can bring the body back toward balance and feeling settled.
After school decompression is something that I really worked hard
to weave in for my own kid because it made
a huge difference. I want you to go into that
(18:58):
after school time expecting a period of decomposition rather than Okay,
we're going to tackle homework and get everything done and
move on. Your kid has been holding it together all day.
You need to build in time to release before you
ask them to re engage in tasks that require the
(19:21):
thinking brain and regulation. They need time to rest and reset,
They need time to return to regulation. Predictable rituals can
really help as well. The same snack, the same seat,
the same song on the drive home. These patterns of
(19:41):
ritual help signal safety to the brain. The more predictable
you can be, the more safe your kid's brain is
going to feel, and yours too. You can do some
emotional check ins. Instead of asking how is your day,
which for me was always melt with fine or I
don't want to talk about it, or complete silence, you
(20:04):
can ask something like did today feel light or heavy?
That gives you the opportunity to do that check in
to show that you care. But it's not so much
pressure to rehash everything that they've been through, and it
gives them permission to feel without pressure to explain it
to you and to talk about it. Remember what calms
(20:25):
one kid may energize another. Safety is not one size
fits all. For some safety feels like quiet, For others,
it feels like movement and laughter and sound. For my kids,
safety felt like heavy metal music. So you need to
follow your kid's cues. Don't make your own assumptions about
(20:49):
what is going to help them return to felt safety.
You cannot teach a dysregulated brain new tricks. You cannot.
You have to help it feel safe first. If your
child is melting down every afternoon after school or every
morning is a battle, it's a signal. It's not signaling failure.
(21:10):
It's not signaling that they don't care. It's a signal
of mismatch. The demands have exceeded their capacity, either their
emotional capacity, their regulation capacity, their skills capacity. There might
have unmet needs that are reducing capacity. Right there's a
lot of things that can reduce capacity, and we have
(21:33):
to notice and think about all of those we're trying
to figure out why things aren't working the way that
we want them to, ask yourself, where can I lighten
the load, even temporarily. Remember when we pull back, when
we reduce demands, when we stretch the timeline, we're saying
(21:55):
this isn't happening right now, not yet. We're not saying
that we don't care about this forever. We can ask
questions like, can assignments be shortened? Can our kids have
more transition time between tasks? Can we drop an extracurricular
or something that we're doing after school this month? Can
(22:17):
the teacher reduce written output or let them show knowledge verbally?
Sometimes the most powerful support that we can offer is
when we say, you don't have to push through this alone.
I am here to help you. I've got you. It's
okay to scale back, it's okay to protect capacity. Your
(22:38):
kid's mental health and emotional health matters more than their
schoolwork and their grades. So this period that we're in,
this honeymoon unraveling, is a season for grace, not grinding,
because growth doesn't come from forcing more, It comes from
(22:59):
creating space to recover, to regulate, to rebuild. Here's what
I want you to really take away from this and
hold on to this October. Unravel the falling apart, the
slipping back into old patterns. It does not mean that
you've lost progress. I know it feels like it, but
(23:21):
it's not what it means. It's actually part of the process.
Regulation and growth aren't linear. They're cyclical. Your child's nervous
system expands, stretches, takes in new experiences. Their brain makes
new neural connections, and then it contracts again to recover
and integrate what it's learned. That's how development and growth works.
(23:47):
It's like building a muscle. The strength doesn't come from
the moment of effort. It comes from the continued practice
and repair afterward. Instead of seeing this as backsliding, try
to see it as feedback. Try to read the signals
(24:08):
the system is saying, I've reached my edge. I need
support before I can keep growing. Sometimes I need support
before I can even keep going. And the beautiful thing
about understanding this cycle is that you stop panicking when
things fall apart. Not always, but it improves. You can
(24:33):
stop blaming yourself so much. You can start responding with steadiness,
not fear. You can say, okay, this is our recalibration season.
We've been here before. We know what to do. We
at least know where to start. You focus on safety
connection capacity, and you wait for the system to come
(24:56):
back online. And by focusing on that safety connection and capacity,
you are helping the system to come back online, because
it always does. We always ebb and flow through regulation
and dysregulation. So if things feel hard right now, your
(25:16):
mornings are rough, meltdowns are happening daily. The progress you
celebrated just a few weeks ago feels like it has
totally vanished. Please remember that this is not the end
of the story. You are not stuck here. It's just
the middle, the messy, human, real life middle. Your kit
(25:39):
isn't broken. Their behavior isn't the problem. It is the signal.
I'm going to say that again and again forever more.
Behavior isn't the problem. It is the signal. When you
learn to follow it, you're going to create safety. And
when safety comes, regulation will follow. And when regulation grows,
(26:01):
learning and confidence bloom again. So take a breath, Help
your kid take a breath. Lower the bar for a bit,
Reduce demands for a bit. Meet your child where they are,
not where you hoped they'd be not where they were
two weeks ago, where they are today, right now, in
(26:23):
this moment, because that's where connection begins, and connection is
the fertile soil where all lasting change grows. Remember, just
because the honeymoon is over for the school year, hope
is not lost. I'm sending so much love, positive energy,
(26:49):
hugs your way. You've got this, Your kid has this.
Just read the signals and meet them where they are.
See you on the next episode. Take good care.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(27:24):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
This October crash isn't a sign that your kid doesn't care.
It may feel like it, I promise you, but it's
not a sign that they don't care. It's a sign
that they've been working really hard to stay regulated in
this environment that's constantly testing their limits, and their body
is telling them I can't keep doing it this way.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:45):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Hey friends, it's Penny here. If you're noticinging that your
child's school year is starting to come undone, it's unraveling.
The morning battles are coming back, the homework tears are
showing up again. The spark that your kid had in
August feels like it's dimming. I want you to know
(01:18):
that you are so not alone this unraveling of what
I always called the honeymoon period started for us Every
single year in October, it just started to fall apart,
like clockwork. Every single October when my kid was younger,
I could practically set my watch to this, y'all. We'd
(01:39):
start the new school year with all this hope built up,
new supplies, a fresh start, a new teacher who maybe
seemed to finally really get this kid, and for the
first several weeks, things would go pretty good. Actually they
would go better than okay most of the time, sometimes
even great. And there went that hope welling up, building
(02:03):
up again right and then out of nowhere, the wheels
would just come off. Mornings got harder, Resistance to schools
started to grow. It crept back in, sometimes slowly, sometimes
it was just boom, here it is. We go from
(02:24):
great to so not great. Homework was a battlefield. The
confidence and optimism that my kid had when the school
year started really slowly faded back into frustration, back into tears,
back into exhaustion for both of us. I used to
(02:46):
think we had to be doing something wrong. We hadn't
prepared enough for a new school year. We've lost progress
over the summer. But I now know that this October
unraveling period when the honeymoon ended isn't failure. It's biology.
(03:07):
It's just the natural rhythm of how neurodivergent brains and
bodies respond to sustain demands and environments that don't work
for them over time. So I want to unpack that
with you today. Why is there a honeymoon period, why
does it fade? And what can you do when things
(03:29):
start falling apart? What can you do at that moment
without losing hope, without losing connection with your kid? I
first want to talk about why that honeymoon period happens
and why it ends. When the school year first begins,
everything is new. We have new teachers, new classrooms, new routines,
(03:50):
new faces, new expectations, sometimes even a new school. But
what we often miss is that for the ADHD brain,
new actually feels good. That novelty is stimulating. It wakes
up the brain's dopamine system, which for neuro divergent kids
(04:12):
often runs a little low on everyday tasks. Right, So
in those first few weeks, that fresh energy, that novelty,
that change can feel really motivating because it is lighting
up that ADHD brain, that newness. It's exciting and you'll
see it and think, oh my gosh, maybe this is
(04:34):
the year that everything's clicking right. You're so hopeful, the
optimism is growing. But the thing about that novelty is
it doesn't last, Guys. Once the newness wears off, which
it always will, once those routines become predictable, and the
daily grind sets in and the messages of you're not
(04:55):
trying hard enough and you're not doing this or keep
flowing that ADHD brain loses that extra spark of stimulation.
Suddenly what was exciting now becomes boring or hard. The
motivation that came so naturally to their body and their
(05:16):
brain before with that newness, now requires some real effort
to maintain, more effort to maintain. And that's when the
old struggles start to creep back in. That forgetfulness, the resistance,
the meltdowns, the dysregulation. And when that happens, both kids
(05:38):
and parents often feel defeated. I know I did. Every
single October. I knew that defeat Week was coming, but
I'd be really hopeful that maybe this was the year
that it wasn't gonna happen, And yet it did. And
the hope that this year will be different started to fade.
Like clockwork, The confidence built in those early weeks would
(06:02):
give way to self doubt. Why can't I just do this?
What's wrong with me? What am I not providing for
my kid that would make him or her or they successful?
So now not only are they working harder to manage
those demands of school, that system and environment that isn't
(06:22):
built for them. Now they're carrying emotional weight to disappointment, shame, frustration.
That's a lot for any nervous system to hold. So
let's talk about the nervous system and the role of
the nervous system in this newness and this crash. I
(06:43):
want to zoom out and really look at it through
that nervous system lens. When school starts, our kids' nervous
systems go into overdrive. They're navigating an avalanche of change.
They have new expectations, new sensory input, new pe full
to read, new schedules to follow, new social dynamics to manage.
(07:06):
Even if they seem to be doing fine on the outside,
remember that inside their system is working overtime just to
keep up. And they could be okay on the outside
but falling apart on the inside. It's not bad, it's adaptive,
but it's not sustainable. So what happens by October is
(07:29):
that the body starts running low on capacity. Our nervous
system has been working in overdrive and it has depleted capacity.
It's not that it's necessarily screaming for rest, it's screaming
for safety. Remember felt safety is the key to everything.
(07:51):
The nervous system has been scanning for danger for weeks,
trying to stay in that I can handle this state.
But eventually, if they're there's too much dysregulation for too long,
the brain starts to code the school environment as unsafe.
Our brains, our kids' brains are wiring that this environment
(08:15):
is unsafe. And here's where we see the real shift.
They stop being biologically available to learn. Because biologically, when
the brain perceives danger, even emotional danger, social danger, it
moves out of the thinking brain and into the survival brain.
(08:36):
Survival brain floods and blocks access to the thinking brain.
That means executive function, planning, organizing, task initiation, emotional regulation
goes offline. So if your kid is suddenly shutting down,
melting down, avoiding school, lashing out, this is a signal
(08:59):
from their nervous system saying I don't feel safe here anymore.
And safety doesn't always mean stillness, y'all. Sometimes the body
finds safety in rest less stimulation, more recovery. Other times, though,
safety comes from movement, running, climbing, pacing, bouncing, being outdoors
(09:24):
in nature. That's why some kids retreat and other kids
seem to ramp up and get activated. Both are nervous
system strategies to find equilibrium. Again, both of those are
those internal animal instincts that we all have, welling up
and taking action to protect us. So this October crash
(09:49):
isn't a sign that your kid doesn't care. It may
feel like it, I promise you it may feel like it,
but it's not a sign that they don't care. It's
a sign that they've been working really hard to stay
regulated in this environment that's constantly testing their limits, and
their body is telling them I can't keep doing it
(10:10):
this way. There's another layer two, and it's one that
really so often goes unnoticed. As the schooler progresses, that
demands for responsibility I'm using air quotes and accountability again.
With the air quotes get bigger, teachers start to expect
more independence and they expect kids to be able to
(10:34):
keep following through keep on that same level with less guidance.
In September, everything is explained carefully. Routines are taught, instructions
are modeled, Reminders are frequent because it's new. But by
October into late October, the assumption is you should know
(10:58):
this by now, this should be routine for you. Now
you don't need my extra help anymore. But our neurodivergent
kids often need that continued level of support, not because
they're not capable, but because executive function doesn't develop through
exposure alone. They need scaffolding that stays consistent, not support
(11:21):
that fades away the moment that the novelty does. They
need consistent support. So when explanations and reminders start to
drop off, kids who were holding it together through effort
and adrenaline and dopamine suddenly feel lost. And that sense
(11:42):
of I can't keep up starts to fuel even more
dysregulation and stress. And now we have all of these
forces commingling and colliding at once. Novelty is fading, confidence
is dropping, nervous system is overwhelm and dysregulated. Expectations are rising.
(12:04):
Do you feel the tension welling up in you as
you listen to that, because I feel it as I'm
saying it. My whole body tenses up just thinking about
all of those things piling on and colliding. It's no
wonder that this time period around October feels like everything
is just unraveling. But the truth is this is actually
(12:29):
the moment to lean in with compassion and not control.
We need to look beneath the behavior and ask, what
is this telling me about what this kid needs right now?
What is this behavior telling me about what this kid
needs right now? So let's talk about what to do
(12:49):
when things start to fall apart, when everything feels like
it's unraveling. Our natural instinct as the caring adult is
to tell in the reins more structure, more consequences, more
demands for compliance. But control doesn't build capacity people. Connection does.
(13:13):
Regulation does. Instead of asking how do I make them
do this? I want you to ask what's getting in
the way. We're going to stop asking how do I
make them do this? Or how do I make them
stop doing this? And we're going to start asking what
is getting in the way of meeting expectations? Is the
(13:36):
barrier emotional safety? Is it fatigue? Is it overwhelm? Is
it executive dysfunction? Executive function overload? You can't address what
you can't see, so you have to start with curiosity
instead of correction. Correction is way down the road, folks.
(13:57):
When I learn to pause and look beneath the behavior,
to really see the signal instead of just the surface,
everything shifted. I cannot say this enough to you in
all of these podcast episodes. Everything shifted when I started
seeing behavior as a signal. It didn't make the hard
(14:17):
moments disappear. It gave me a roadmap. I could see
when my kid was in fight, when he was in flight,
when he was frozen, and from there I could meet
him where he was. I could interpret what those states
meant that he needed, and then I was there where
he was, not where I wished that he could be.
(14:55):
By October, we often see what I call executive function
cold as it's when all the invisible mental skills that
help kids manage life, the organization, planning, flexibility, task initiation,
emotional regulation, they all start to crumble under the weight
of ongoing stress. Because remember, when our bodies are stressed,
(15:18):
our nervous system is disregulated. When our nervous system is disregulated,
the access to the thinking brain fades. We need the
thinking brain for any and all executive function. So let's
talk about a few of those areas and how to
support them with task initiation. Getting started is often the
(15:39):
hardest part. I want you to try some coregulation through
body doubling. Sit next to your kid while they're getting started,
or set a five minute timer where you start together.
Sometimes just sharing energy helps the brain to bridge the
gap between thinking and doing. To organization, keep systems simple
(16:03):
and visual. I cannot emphasize visual enough. When my kid
was in middle school, we color coded everything, which helped some.
We also simplified one binder had everything for every class
in it. That's what worked for him. It wasn't perfect,
(16:24):
but it gave his brain one less decision to make,
one less thing to try to figure out, and that
really mattered. It really made a difference. When we look
at planning, break assignments or routines into tiny visible steps.
Again tiny steps, and make it visible. Write one sentence
(16:48):
is much more doable than go finish your essay. Put
on your shoes is clearer than go get ready for school.
The brain loves clear. It is necessary to add an
additional layer of clarity for our nerdivergent kids flexibility. Our
(17:10):
kids thrive when change feels predictable, so give them gentle warning.
When plans shift, you can say something like we're going
to do something different today and then explain what will
stay the same and what will be different. That consistency
(17:30):
is going to build trust. Trust builds safety, safety builds regulation.
Remember that executive function is not a willpower issue, folks.
It's not willpower, it's not motivation, it's not character. It's
a skill set that develops over time through support and modeling,
(17:51):
and it is only available when regulated. Before you try
to teach or fix, I want you to are by regulating,
because when the nervous system is disregulated, learning and problem
solving simply aren't available. Hear me when I say that
it's not available. The thinking brain is not available. So
(18:15):
here is how to prioritize safety. First, start with sensory
breaks short regular breaks for movement, quiet, or deep pressure.
You need to understand your kid's sensory profile and what
kind of sensory input is settling to their nervous system,
and then provide that type of input a few minutes
(18:37):
of swinging stretching or wrapping up in a way to
blanket can bring the body back toward balance and feeling settled.
After school decompression is something that I really worked hard
to weave in for my own kid because it made
a huge difference. I want you to go into that
(18:58):
after school time expecting a period of decomposition rather than Okay,
we're going to tackle homework and get everything done and
move on. Your kid has been holding it together all day.
You need to build in time to release before you
ask them to re engage in tasks that require the
(19:21):
thinking brain and regulation. They need time to rest and reset,
They need time to return to regulation. Predictable rituals can
really help as well. The same snack, the same seat,
the same song on the drive home. These patterns of
(19:41):
ritual help signal safety to the brain. The more predictable
you can be, the more safe your kid's brain is
going to feel, and yours too. You can do some
emotional check ins. Instead of asking how is your day,
which for me was always melt with fine or I
don't want to talk about it, or complete silence, you
(20:04):
can ask something like did today feel light or heavy?
That gives you the opportunity to do that check in
to show that you care. But it's not so much
pressure to rehash everything that they've been through, and it
gives them permission to feel without pressure to explain it
to you and to talk about it. Remember what calms
(20:25):
one kid may energize another. Safety is not one size
fits all. For some safety feels like quiet, For others,
it feels like movement and laughter and sound. For my kids,
safety felt like heavy metal music. So you need to
follow your kid's cues. Don't make your own assumptions about
(20:49):
what is going to help them return to felt safety.
You cannot teach a dysregulated brain new tricks. You cannot.
You have to help it feel safe first. If your
child is melting down every afternoon after school or every
morning is a battle, it's a signal. It's not signaling failure.
(21:10):
It's not signaling that they don't care. It's a signal
of mismatch. The demands have exceeded their capacity, either their
emotional capacity, their regulation capacity, their skills capacity. There might
have unmet needs that are reducing capacity. Right there's a
lot of things that can reduce capacity, and we have
(21:33):
to notice and think about all of those we're trying
to figure out why things aren't working the way that
we want them to, ask yourself, where can I lighten
the load, even temporarily. Remember when we pull back, when
we reduce demands, when we stretch the timeline, we're saying
(21:55):
this isn't happening right now, not yet. We're not saying
that we don't care about this forever. We can ask
questions like, can assignments be shortened? Can our kids have
more transition time between tasks? Can we drop an extracurricular
or something that we're doing after school this month? Can
(22:17):
the teacher reduce written output or let them show knowledge verbally?
Sometimes the most powerful support that we can offer is
when we say, you don't have to push through this alone.
I am here to help you. I've got you. It's
okay to scale back, it's okay to protect capacity. Your
(22:38):
kid's mental health and emotional health matters more than their
schoolwork and their grades. So this period that we're in,
this honeymoon unraveling, is a season for grace, not grinding,
because growth doesn't come from forcing more, It comes from
(22:59):
creating space to recover, to regulate, to rebuild. Here's what
I want you to really take away from this and
hold on to this October. Unravel the falling apart, the
slipping back into old patterns. It does not mean that
you've lost progress. I know it feels like it, but
(23:21):
it's not what it means. It's actually part of the process.
Regulation and growth aren't linear. They're cyclical. Your child's nervous
system expands, stretches, takes in new experiences. Their brain makes
new neural connections, and then it contracts again to recover
and integrate what it's learned. That's how development and growth works.
(23:47):
It's like building a muscle. The strength doesn't come from
the moment of effort. It comes from the continued practice
and repair afterward. Instead of seeing this as backsliding, try
to see it as feedback. Try to read the signals
(24:08):
the system is saying, I've reached my edge. I need
support before I can keep growing. Sometimes I need support
before I can even keep going. And the beautiful thing
about understanding this cycle is that you stop panicking when
things fall apart. Not always, but it improves. You can
(24:33):
stop blaming yourself so much. You can start responding with steadiness,
not fear. You can say, okay, this is our recalibration season.
We've been here before. We know what to do. We
at least know where to start. You focus on safety
connection capacity, and you wait for the system to come
(24:56):
back online. And by focusing on that safety connection and capacity,
you are helping the system to come back online, because
it always does. We always ebb and flow through regulation
and dysregulation. So if things feel hard right now, your
(25:16):
mornings are rough, meltdowns are happening daily. The progress you
celebrated just a few weeks ago feels like it has
totally vanished. Please remember that this is not the end
of the story. You are not stuck here. It's just
the middle, the messy, human, real life middle. Your kit
(25:39):
isn't broken. Their behavior isn't the problem. It is the signal.
I'm going to say that again and again forever more.
Behavior isn't the problem. It is the signal. When you
learn to follow it, you're going to create safety. And
when safety comes, regulation will follow. And when regulation grows,
(26:01):
learning and confidence bloom again. So take a breath, Help
your kid take a breath. Lower the bar for a bit,
Reduce demands for a bit. Meet your child where they are,
not where you hoped they'd be not where they were
two weeks ago, where they are today, right now, in
(26:23):
this moment, because that's where connection begins, and connection is
the fertile soil where all lasting change grows. Remember, just
because the honeymoon is over for the school year, hope
is not lost. I'm sending so much love, positive energy,
(26:49):
hugs your way. You've got this, Your kid has this.
Just read the signals and meet them where they are.
See you on the next episode. Take good care.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
you don't have to do it alone. If you found
this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
and leave a quick review so others can find this
support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
Kid's Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
(27:24):
to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
more info at regulated kids dot com.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.