Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
So we're really looking at not just that surface progress
like well, we completed another grade, or my kid got
on a roll, or my kid didn't drop out this year,
or my kid finally learned to tie their shoes or
ride a bike. We're looking at building those internal management
skills that create a foundation for being able to thrive.
(00:28):
Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
(00:49):
if you want more support, join our free community at
hub dot beautifully complex dot life. Welcome back, friend. I
am going to talk today a little bit about how
it's the small things that make the biggest impact. Here.
At the end of the year, I always like to
(01:11):
reflect back on what has really gone right over the year,
right because there's so many challenges. There are so many
tough moments for us as parents, for our kids, for
us emotionally when our kids are having a hard time,
and so I like to just try to look back
(01:34):
and notice some small things, because those tiny things make
the biggest impact. Sometimes you've done more this year than
you realize. I promise you. It may feel like you're
not making progress, it may feel like your kid isn't
making progress, and you might not be making big, sweeping progress,
(01:57):
but you are making some progress. I promise. One thing
for my own kid, who is twenty three now, that
I have noticed this past year is that he's starting
to really focus on what he wants for himself, to
focus on what he wants for his future. And that
has been really tough. With time blindness and this idea
(02:21):
that things are either now or not now, and not
now is like not on my mind right. It's a
struggle that is common with ADHD, and so it's been
really tough to think about your future and what you
might need to be doing now in order to get
that life that you want later. This conversation is really
(02:41):
going to be all about strengthening those roots that you
can't see. Remember, just like with our kids, there's so
much more underneath going on than what we really see
on the surface. The same is true for how we
are building skills resilience, building them up, emotional intelligence. All
(03:03):
of those things are the roots that help them to succeed,
to help things to be doable. And so we're really
looking at not just that surface progress like well, we
completed another grade, or my kid got on a roll,
or you know, my kid didn't drop out this year,
or you know, my kid finally learned to tie their
(03:26):
shoes or ride a bike. We're looking at building those
internal management skills that create a foundation for being able
to thrive, for being able to feel and really achieve fulfillment.
The nervous system always learns through repetition, not grand gestures.
(03:52):
So our nervous system is looking for glimmers, those little
tiny moments of safety, those tiny moments where our body goes, ah, right,
I've got this, I'm good. Things for me that are
glimmers are toes in the sand of the beach, which
doesn't happen very often, a really beautiful sunset, like big
(04:16):
puffy pink clouds. I live in the mountains, so sometimes
we have shadows from the clouds overlaying the mountains, and
that is really beautiful. Those things give me little sparks
of safety and little moments of peace. And that's what
we're talking about. With glimmers. So these are little, tiny
(04:40):
things that we want to repeat in order to help
our nervous system feel safer and safer and safer. These
are not big, grand gestures. We're not going to suddenly
go from a nervous system that is very frequently triggered,
may be very sensitive, to a nervous system that feels
safe ninety nine percent of the time. Right, And I'm
not sure that a ninety nine percent of the time
(05:02):
feeling safe is a realistic goal for any human being.
I don't think any of us feel safe our nervous
systems feels safe and settled that much, because we all
ebb and flow through regulation and struggle. Right, So tiny
cues of safety are going to create the conditions for
that bigger growth later. Think of it like building a snowball.
(05:26):
We start with just this little tiny bit of snow
that we can sort of pound together in our hands
and get it to stick. But then as we roll it,
it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. We're not adding
a ton to it at one time. We're just adding
a few flakes each time we roll. But those few
flakes are compounding and making it bigger and bigger, right,
(05:47):
So connection can be a tiny cue of safety. Connection
with your kid leaving a note for them. This is
something that I love to do. I coach clients to
do all the time. I just had a coaching clients say,
you know, I left a note on my kid's door
the other day, my teenager. I don't even remember what
the note was about something that the parent noticed, and
(06:09):
the kid actually came to her and said, thank you
so much for this note. This was really cool. This
made me feel good. So the tiniest little things. Remember,
you know, if your kid did their chore and you
didn't have to remind them, or you only had to
remind them once, when normally you have to remind them
five times. Go leave a little post it on their
(06:30):
pillow or their bedroom door or their bathroom mirror, saying
I noticed this and I'm really proud, or just noticing
it alone makes a big difference. We tend to overlook
these sort of micro winds for many reasons. We're exhausted,
we're overwhelmed, we're comparing ourselves to other parents, other families,
(06:53):
other families kids. We fear that we're not doing enough
as a parent, that somehow we are failing our kid,
and so that stuff screams really loudly at us because
our brains are wired for the feelings of not safety,
those negative things to stick and be louder because it
(07:18):
is there to protect us. So back in like caveman days,
when we were going out and hunting and gathering food
and there were lions and tires and bears at every turn,
we needed a super sensitive autonomic nervous system trigger to say, ooh,
I sense danger. I'm going to react in a way
(07:40):
that is going to keep my body safe or at
least attempt to. And now we don't need so much
of that, but our brains are still wired the same way.
Our nervous system still has a louder voice when it
is feeling threatened then when it feels safe. And so
(08:02):
we tend to overlook those tiny winds because we're overwhelmed
by all of the other stuff that is hard. That
is not your fault, but it is something that you
can work on. It is something that you can use
some mindfulness and try to every day pick out one
(08:23):
tiny little wind and notice it. Just take that thirty
seconds to stop and notice a micro wind from the day,
and do it every day and that will build safety
for you. But also if you're transparent about that, you're
modeling this great practice for your kid as well. So
small things compound. Always think about the snowball. I have
(09:00):
like a few examples I want to share with you
about what I mean by small things, like what do
these really small micro winds look like? In real life?
It could be a kid who still resists homeworks, still
doesn't like it, but now comes back to the table
after taking a breather, a little break instead of shutting
(09:22):
down and refusing to do it for the entire day.
It might be a teen or a young adult who
repairs in twenty minutes instead of three days. I don't
know about you, but I have been through some long
silent periods from my kids at times, and when they
(09:42):
start to be able to repair faster, to process and
move forward faster, that's a win. It might be that
you're a parent who catches your own bodyguard that nervous
system signals of being unsafe before reacting and choosing maybe
(10:03):
connection over correction over trying to control that situation. You
might shift from making your kid do something to asking
yourself what is actually getting in the way, What is
the struggle here that is causing them not to be
able to do this, shifting that thinking from won't to can't.
(10:28):
And these aren't really minor, folks. These are new pathways
forming in the brain, their connection, their relationship. They are
growth in safety. And the more things happen to us,
the more our brain wires for them. That is true
with both the positive and the negative. So again we
(10:51):
really have to focus and be intentional about noticing these microwinds.
So we're talking all about here that nervous system first
lends if we think about the nervous system first, what
is it telling me? What is the signal it's sending me,
What state is it in? What does that state mean?
(11:12):
Does my kid need movement? Does my kid need less
and quieter and slower? These are the things that really
build long term regulation and long term emotional intelligence. It
also just creates this parenthood that's a lot more successful.
(11:32):
If you're trying to force your kid to do something
and they physiologically can't do it, you're never going to
succeed and everybody is going to feel really, really bad.
But if you're looking at the nervous system first and
saying does this kid feel safe? Are they regulated? If
they are not regulated, what is it telling me that
they need? And what can I do to change this?
(11:54):
That is going to make a much bigger difference for
you and your care coregulation. That borrowing of each other's
nervous system energy changes your kid's trajectory more quietly than
you expect. Again, you're not going to see this big
sweeping change all at once. That safety and connection is
(12:18):
going to build over time, and those things create do ability.
Those things create emotions that we want to last, like
joy and fun and laughter and playfulness. Lived in growth
is really the goal here. Lived in growth. We are
(12:42):
not going to create a lot of big breakthroughs people.
Is just not the way it works with our nerd
divergent kids, and truly with all human beings. Think about
how many like big sweeping breakthroughs you've had where something
just magically changed overnight with so much better. Better just
doesn't really happen. So the reality is that they are
(13:04):
slow lived in growth, those micro moments that build and build.
I want you to consider where did your kids show
you something this year, this little micro growth, even if
it wasn't dramatic, Really think back about some things, some
(13:25):
things that might have gone a little better than you expected.
And I'm going to give you a reflection practice here
in just a minute when we finish out this episode.
I'm sure that you often feel really alone in this parenting.
I am certain that you feel a lot of doubt
in what you're doing, whether you're doing the right thing,
(13:45):
whether you're offering the right things. I am sure that
you feel that nobody else sees how hard you're working,
because you feel that the measure of that is your
kid's success, big success, and that may not be happening
right now. I see you, I know what this feels like.
(14:06):
I have walked this path before you. I see how
hard you are trying. And I promise you that your
kid feels the difference, even if they can't name it,
even if they don't acknowledge it, they're not showing gratitude
for it. They feel it. They feel how much you
(14:27):
want to help them, how much you want to create
something better for everyone. Remember, perfection doesn't exist. We measure
progress by a forward movement, a forward trajectory, and sometimes,
in all honesty, sometimes there is some regression, right, that
(14:51):
is part of this journey. But when we are making
progress in a forward movement. That progress that counts, no
matter how tiny that step is. So here is a
really simple year in reflection practice that I would love
for you to take five minutes and think about or
(15:14):
make notes about. Here are the questions. Name one moment
that your kids showed a new skill or more capacity,
more resilience, maybe being able to try hard things for
a longer amount of time. Just one moment from the year.
Then name one moment that you responded differently than you
(15:38):
would have a year ago because you're changing and progressing. Also,
name one pattern that softened. Maybe there is a typical trigger,
a typical response pattern, and maybe that's starting to fade
a little bit. Maybe that's not happening quite as frequently
as it was before. And then your last question for
(16:01):
yourself is to name one thing that you want to
bring into this new year of twenty twenty six intentionally.
And I want you to keep it very bite sized,
very doable. I want you to give yourself permission to
take care of yourself, to parent differently, to let go
of some demands at times. You don't need giant leaps
(16:26):
to change your family's story, folks, You just don't. Those
small things are actually big things in our parenting world.
So notice one small thing today. Try to keep that
going as a daily practice and really let it count
and show that to your kids, model to them that
(16:47):
you are working on being intentional at noticing those small
moments of progress, those small glimmers. You are not alone, folks.
You're not alone. I promise you they're There's so many
parents out there listening to this podcast right now, nodding
their head in agreement, feeling it, being in a similar space.
(17:11):
You're not alone, and we're in this together. I am
here to help you to walk this path in a
way that makes you proud, in a way that you
want to show up for your kid. As always, you
can go to PARENTINGADHD autism dot com to check out
the show notes for this episode and also all of
(17:34):
the resources that I provide outside of the podcast for
families just like yours. I will see you on the
next episode. Take good care, folks, I see you. You're
doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have to
do it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share
it with someone who needs it and leave a quick
(17:55):
review so others can find this support too. When you're
ready for next steps, the Regulated Kid's Project is here
with the tools, coaching, and community to help you raise
a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info at regulated
kids dot com.