August 28, 2024 • 47 mins
Living a life built on a foundation of addiction and deceit? Logan Hufford shares his profound and deeply personal journey through sexual addiction, starting with early exposure to magazines and leading to a series of destructive behaviours that nearly destroyed his marriage and family. He opens up about the harrowing moment his wife issued an ultimatum, forcing him to confront his addiction head-on and embark on an arduous path to sobriety.
Throughout this episode, Logan discusses the gruelling process of recovery, emphasizing the critical role of accountability, same-gender mentorship, and the essential support found in recovery groups.
By sharing his story, Logan aims to shed light on the pervasive impact of sexual addiction on relationships and the necessity of ongoing effort and support in overcoming such addictions.
Logan's transformation from a deceitful individual to someone striving for honesty and emotional openness is captivating. He reflects on the importance of vulnerability, open communication, and unconditional love in personal growth and family healing. Logan's leadership in recovery groups and his commitment to supporting others highlight the power of sharing personal stories and offering hope to those navigating similar challenges. This is an episode that, although you may not relate to, there are so many nuggets of insightfulness to grow our compassion for us humans. I hope you see that, too.
Let's gain wisdom from his story.
To connect with Logan: https://www.prodigalsofalaska.com/
- Share Your Thoughts and Shape the Show! Tell me what you love about the podcast and what you want to hear more about. Please email me at behas.podcats@gmail.com and be part of the conversation!
- To be on the show Podmatch Profile
Thank you for listening - Hasta Pronto!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Daniela SM (00:04):
Hi, I'm Daniela.
Welcome to my podcast.
Because Everyone has a Story,the place to give ordinary
people's stories the chance tobe shared and preserved.
Our stories become the languageof connections.
Let's enjoy it, connect andrelate because everyone has a
story and relate becauseeveryone has a story.
(00:31):
Welcome, my guest is LoganHufford.
This is a different episode fromall the stories that I have
listened so far.
It's living a life built of afoundation of addiction and
deceit.
Logan is sharing a profound anddeeply personal journey through
sexual addiction, starting veryearly, exposed to magazines
that were just regular andleading to a series of
(00:52):
destructive behaviors thatnearly destroyed his marriage
and family.
I am grateful that he issharing his story about sexual
addiction.
We know a lot about mentalhealth with substance abuse.
We don't know much about sexualaddictions and he mentioned
there is a high percentage ofindividuals that actually go
(01:14):
through that too.
This is a subject that maybemany people don't want to talk
about.
Of course, the story has ahappy ending, where Logan is no
longer in bondage to sexualaddiction and he's able to say
these words as the secondbiggest bless in his life.
You may not relate with thisepisode, as you may never
experience anything like that orknow of anyone like that.
(01:37):
There are so many nuggets,however, of insightfulness to
grow or compassion for us humansthat I hope you see that too,
so let's gain wisdom from hisstory.
Welcome Logan to the show.
Logan Hufford (01:51):
Thanks so much, Daniela.
Daniela SM (01:52):
Yes, I am happy that you're here and that you
have a space to share your story.
Why do you want to share yourstory?
Logan Hufford (01:58):
As much as I can't control how somebody
receives my story, my goal isthat by sharing my story, I can
give some hope to somebody thathas been in the shoes that I've
been in.
Daniela SM (02:10):
Okay, and so when does your story start?
Logan Hufford (02:13):
I mean technically, it starts when I
was about nine years old.
Just at least give you the30,000 foot view for right now,
and then you can zoom in howeveryou like.
Hopelessness, being in a darkplace of hopelessness, feeling
like there's no way out.
That was me for a lot of years,from maybe age 20 to age 25.
I was a raging sex addict.
(02:35):
I had been addicted topornography for years, which
then that sexual addictionprogressed to where then I
started acting out.
The things that I was viewingwith pornography and sexual
affairs became the next level tothat.
And so by the time I gotmarried June 4th 2011, I was 20
(02:55):
years old.
I cheated on my wife multipletimes and that just continued.
That just snowballed forseveral years.
We had kids young.
We had four boys in five years.
So I was an early to mid-20shusband and dad.
(03:16):
Continually cheating on my wife, continually looking at
pornography, got to the pointwhere I was hiring prostitutes.
This whole double life hatedmyself, hated the things that I
was doing.
I made those choices.
I don't shy away from that.
I don't blame anything on.
Like you know, it was myaddiction.
It's like no, I had anaddiction, but I made those
choices.
Daniela SM (03:37):
But you didn't know it was an addiction, or did you
?
Logan Hufford (03:40):
Not in it.
No, I mean, it wasn't until Iwas 25, 26 years old where I
actually encountered thatverbiage like sexual addiction.
Daniela SM (03:49):
How did that happen ?
You were reading something orsomebody mentioned it.
Logan Hufford (03:53):
Yeah.
So after several years of this,and my wife knew I would
confess things to her.
Every time I would have asexual affair, I would confess
to her because I'd feel so badabout it, I would get it out of
my system, I'd get it off mychest.
And I want to emphasize that'sextremely selfish, yes, and so
that's kind of the point.
Right, it wasn't to build trust, it wasn't that it was
(04:15):
repentance, I wasn't changing mybehavior, I just felt bad and
so it felt good to vomit it out,and so that's what I would do.
So she knew about affair afteraffair.
She didn't know how to respond.
She's a young mom, she's tryingto take care of her babies, and
so in 2015, she did somethingthat she'd never done before and
she gave me an ultimatum andsaid if you do not get serious
(04:36):
help, you will lose me and theboys.
And I believed her, absolutelybelieved that she meant that.
So we did a little bit ofresearch summer of 2015,.
Believed that she meant that.
So we did a little bit ofresearch summer of 2015,.
Did a little bit of research onsexual addiction and she, I
remember she found this websitethat had a test Are you a sex
addict.
She's like I want you to takethat test.
I passed that test with flyingcolors and then we found, like
(04:57):
some, some groups and things,and that was the first moment
where the possibility of I'm asexual addict, I'm a sex addict,
did that cross my mind.
If you'd asked me, when I was22 years old, let's say I don't
know if I ever had heard thatterm before, but I would have
thought like, okay, a sexuallyaddicted person, a sex addict,
(05:19):
that's a guy on like a FBI watchlist, that's a guy, you know,
some greasy dude in his basement, you know, that's, that's one
of those, that's one of these,these real, these real weird,
creepy people.
Well, I absolutely was somebodywho was driven by impulses, by
selfish motivations.
I was a predator, I mean, I wasjust this sociopathic monster
(05:44):
and I trained myself to chasewhatever was new and different
and that you know, that was withpornography, that was with my
interactions with other people,and it was.
It was absolutely an addiction.
But again, I I didn't yeah,didn't think of it in those
terms when I was actively in it.
It wasn't until I actuallyfound some resources that that
(06:08):
terminology even made sense tome.
Daniela SM (06:09):
And you were not addicted to anything else
alcohol, drugs, nothing likethat.
Logan Hufford (06:13):
There were definitely other addictions, not
nearly to the level of sexaddiction.
I smoked for several years, butI don't even know that that was
an addiction.
It was pretty much siloedsocially where I would smoke if
I was drinking or if I was atwork.
I never smoked at home.
I never smoked around my family.
So even though I smoked forseveral years, I was able to
(06:35):
just stop smoking, drank toomuch, but I don't know that that
was an addiction.
I actually had a really badsports gambling addiction and
that was throughout this wholetime as well.
I definitely have an addictivepersonality where I have to be
careful.
I mean literally games on myphone, just anything.
I have to be careful.
Nothing came close to sexualaddiction when it came to.
(06:56):
I have trained myself andallowed this thing to just drive
me.
Daniela SM (07:01):
And why did you say that your story starts at nine
years old?
Logan Hufford (07:16):
And why did you say that your story starts at
nine years old?
I'm taking ownership of where Iwas at my introduction to
pornography.
I grew up in a stable,relatively sheltered, really
safe, loving home.
There was no porn to be had.
I'm younger than some.
I'm older than some.
This is late 90s.
There were no iPads.
(07:37):
There were no smartphones.
It was JCPenney catalogs.
I found the swimwear andlingerie in the middle of the
giant Christmas catalog.
I remember thinking I like howI feel when I see these women
wearing lingerie and bikinis.
And so again, that's notpornography by any definition
that you and I were defined, butfor me and how I interacted
(08:01):
with it, it was Because I wassexually objectifying these
images of these women.
Daniela SM (08:07):
But you just learned that later.
Obviously you wouldn't haveknown that.
Logan Hufford (08:11):
Yeah, I mean in the moment.
I mean I liked how I felt and Ididn't know how sex worked, I
didn't know what masturbationwas, I didn't know what to do
with myself, I just knew I likedhow I felt when I would see
these pictures.
I felt some shame, I felt like,okay, I feel kind of bad, I
shouldn't be.
I mean, I definitely like Iwasn't doing it out in the open,
you know, but even at nineyears old it was already
(08:33):
starting, and so, you know,before too long I started
looking at that same stuff on acomputer again.
Very rarely would I ever getthat opportunity because of the
home that I lived in, but when Icould I would.
And then it was around 13 or 14.
That's when I first learnedabout masturbation and that's
when I started looking athardcore porn videos and that's
(08:57):
when it really took it toanother level, continued for
several years, and then itwasn't until 19 that I started
really interacting with otherwomen in person and training
myself that way.
Daniela SM (09:12):
Your wife.
You met her in high school.
Logan Hufford (09:14):
No, it was shortly after that.
We met at the end of 2019.
We worked together, so it wasabout a year year and a half, I
guess after we both graduated.
We didn't know each other inhigh school at all, but yeah, we
met when we're both 19.
And then we got married about ayear and a half later.
I was 20 and she was 21.
Daniela SM (09:34):
If you knew that you like something new all the
time and that you were excitedabout different things
constantly, why would you wantto get married?
Logan Hufford (09:43):
Yeah, because to that point my behaviors were
basically limited to porn.
I absolutely knew I had aproblem with porn and I
mentioned that to her as, likehey, I, I, I don't like that.
I look at porn, you know.
But I'm I'm trying to work onit, I think to to a point that
was that was honest.
Like I, I, I didn't like it andI did want it to go away.
I didn't know how the heck towork on it and I wasn't really
(10:06):
doing anything concrete andtangible to work on it, but I
just in my head I was trying airquotes, right, but to that
point I hadn't been cheating onpeople.
I kind of skipped over somestuff.
I mean, growing up I always wasvery insecure.
I've always.
I always felt like I was ugly.
I always felt like girlswouldn't like me.
I wanted attention from femalesbut I was always very insecure
(10:28):
and scared and shy around.
I wasn't shy around people ingeneral, but I was always shy
around girls like my age.
So there were, there were not alot of external interactions
with girls when it came to anyanything sexual.
I've had my first kiss and thatkind of thing and stuff like
that, but it was.
It was very, very limited.
So when, when I was dating mywife to that point, basically
(10:50):
all of these behaviors werelimited to pornography and I'm
saying basically because I meanthere absolutely were some seeds
planted I didn't realize thatthere was depravity, I didn't
realize that there wasprogression.
At this point and I can expandon that, but maybe that makes a
little bit of sense In my mindit was like okay, I struggle
with porn, but that's it.
And then this is such a commonlie I didn't realize it at the
(11:12):
time.
When I get married, well thenthe porn will just go away,
because we'll be married and ofcourse she's in love with me and
we'll be having sex.
And that's not how it works.
It does not make the porn goaway.
Daniela SM (11:24):
I can only think about your wife, I mean, and the
lack of knowledge, because thisis not a subject that people
talked about.
You know, you hear aboutaddiction with alcohol and drugs
, and now we are a little bitmore aware of what is going on,
but in your case that is a bitdifferent.
So what happened?
So you decided to work on it,you got an ultimatum and then
(11:47):
how was the discovery?
To realize, okay, I have anaddiction, and also how bad
could have gotten?
How far have you heard ofanybody that has gotten worse
than you?
What happens?
Destroy marriages, I assume,and what else?
Logan Hufford (12:03):
else.
So the last thing that youasked about you know how, how
bad could it have gotten?
You know other otherexperiences, other things I know
about.
There's a lot there and I wantto unpack that, but I'll I'll
respond to the.
I guess the the first part, uh,in terms of you know.
So, when I got the ultimatumfinding recovery what what that
looked like, because that was ajourney in and of itself.
(12:23):
I got an ultimatum findingrecovery what that looked like,
cause that was a journey in andof itself.
I got an ultimatum from my wifeat the end of July of 2015.
My sobriety date is May 19th2016.
So there's almost a year where Istill was not sober.
I was still in hindsight, Istill basically playing around
with it, like I wasn't takingthings seriously.
(12:45):
I thought I was and to someextent I think she you know she
probably was.
I'm not saying this was healthy, but I think to some extent she
was probably happy that I wasmaking any efforts at all, even
though they weren't very fullbodied.
So like I had started to go tosome groups, I'd started to open
myself up to to people for help, like I had four months at one
(13:08):
point of sobriety, from July toNovember of 2015.
I had four months of sobrietybut I wasn't.
There was no healing, there wasno recovery.
It was just white knuckling andnot acting out, but I wasn't
changing up the infrastructureof my life.
Uh, I didn't have any realaccountability, and so I
remember very vividly Novemberof 2015,.
(13:29):
I had a bad day at work, wentoff into the bathroom,
masturbated pornography and itwas like just right back, right
back there.
I never had sex with anotherwoman after after that point.
But I continually struggledwith porn for the next several
months and there were definitelypoints where, you know,
sexually inappropriateconversations with women and,
and you know that kind of thingput myself in really, really bad
(13:52):
spots.
Thankfully did not go evenfurther than that.
But you know cause I?
I've been asked like, well, yourwife gave you an ultimatum in
July, like, so why?
Why didn't she just leave youbetween July and May of 16?
And and she completely couldhave.
Um, we were still I'm saying we, I mean I was still learning.
(14:12):
She was still learning, likewhat it even looked like to be
healthy, right, and how torespond in a healthy way.
Just because she gave me anultimatum.
It wasn't like a toggle switchjust got flipped and now
suddenly she's the.
You know, she knows exactlywhat to do in every situation.
And now suddenly I'm thisperfectly no, no, no, it was a
journey, um, but what theultimatum did is it.
(14:32):
It did, um, it lit a fire, it?
It?
It showed me.
I.
If I'm going to keep doing thisstuff, there are, there will be
some very real consequences,which I I understood that
theoretically, but I always feltlike I can play with fire and
I'm not going to get burned, andI mean that manifested in all
kinds of areas in life.
(14:53):
For me, that's just how Iinteracted with life was I can
play with fire and not getburned.
And so when she gave me thatultimatum, I was like, okay, at
least my wife and my kids, I'mgoing to lose that if I don't
make some efforts.
But, like I said, so thoseefforts were limited.
The healing was very limiteduntil it was in March of 2016
(15:18):
was the first time that Iactually have some hope, and
what that looks like was I hadmet a guy named Rick at a
celebrate recovery, so it's aChristian 12 step recovery group
and there was there was somereally good elements to this
group and things that I reallyappreciate.
You know, to this day, everygroup is different, but it was a
little bit surfacy in the sensethat I could come and I could
(15:42):
share how I was doing, or Icould share my story and I would
get a lot of encouragement, andthat's good.
I needed a safe space.
I didn't need a comfort zone,and it was kind of a comfort
zone I could share.
I would get encouragement.
I would get guys to kind of patme on the back and like, hey,
man, we're glad you're here,glad you're working on it.
But if, if I had had a bad weekfilled with like bad decisions,
nobody was calling me out,nobody was like dude, what are
(16:05):
you doing?
And to some extent and this istrue in most recovery groups,
not all in most recovery groupsyou're usually not really
allowed to do that because theywant it to be a safe space and
so people aren't really allowedto to grill each other a little
bit.
Daniela SM (16:16):
That's the question that I have for you.
Because you go to these groups,are you mixed with drugs and
alcohol?
So they're all together.
Logan Hufford (16:24):
It's just addictions, it's just a pool of
guys.
Daniela SM (16:26):
But I feel like it's true you can share, but
personally I would like to knowhow to get help.
Just sharing and saying you'rehere good for you doesn't really
help.
Handsome people's personality,for sure.
Logan Hufford (16:40):
Yeah, but most of this story is us living in
Wasilla.
I was working in Anchorage, allmy behaviors were in Anchorage.
I mean, that's a whole.
Other thing is the geography ofaddiction is often a very real
thing.
I had these geographicalboundaries of I'm going to keep
my addiction to Anchorage, whereI work.
I'm not going keep my addictionto Anchorage, which where I
work.
I'm not going to bring it withme home to Wasilla.
(17:02):
Okay, that makes sense.
That's good strategy.
Yeah, I mean.
Yeah, I was.
I worked very hard, you know,to protect it and protect myself
and all this.
Yeah, I like I went to an SAAgroup, a sex addicts, anonymous.
I went to that for a few months,and that's where I had, like, I
had four months of sobriety,but no healing, no, no
transformation.
That was an Anchorage.
(17:22):
Celebrate recovery was inWasilla, and so celebrate
recovery again.
It didn't.
In and of itself, there was nota lot of.
There was no healing ortransformation there for me and
I'm not I'm not blaming thegroup, like I, you know, I was
not taking things very seriously, but what?
What did happen, though, was Godintroduced me to a man, rick,
(17:45):
and he what?
He was the only other guy outof this whole group that was not
there for substance and he heand I were both there for sexual
addiction recovery.
I mean he was there giving backEssentially he had I don't know
eight years of of sobriety andrecovery.
And mean he was there givingback essentially he had I don't
know eight years of sobrietyrecovery.
And he was like Logan, I'm gladyou're here, just like the
other guys that said he's likeI'm glad you're here, but you
need something more than this.
(18:05):
He's like, given your story,you need something more.
I needed something more.
And so he told me about thisgroup called prodigals and he's
and at that at that time it wasonly there was a group in
Anchorage and that was it.
He was like this group was the,it was.
I did a program with them.
It was the hardest thing I'veever done, but it's what I
needed.
He's like you don't needsomething lightweight, you need
something heavy duty.
Daniela SM (18:25):
But he was in your group before that.
He was, he was, he was passingby.
How did that happen?
Logan Hufford (18:30):
So he, because he lived in Wasilla and so he and
his wife attended the CelebrateRecovery he had found his
healing not in CelebrateRecovery, he had found his
healing in this prodigals group.
So and that's where, like, I'malways thankful for Celebrate
Recovery, not necessarilybecause of anything that I did
with it, but because I met himthere and so I still kept him at
arm's length for a couplemonths where I'm like like that
(18:52):
sounds really hard, that soundslike I don't want hard work,
(19:19):
no-transcript.
But they were, these were,these were good guys, like,
these were just guys that youcould just tell were had
experienced a lot of healing andin most cases not all, but in
most cases they had transformedmarriages, they had restored
marriages.
So there's a prodigals groupfor men struggling with sexual
(19:41):
addiction, but there's also agroup partners in process for
women that had been abused, withsexual betrayal trauma, for a
woman that had suffered thatfrom her spouse, who became my
rent mentor, rick.
He mentored me for two years ina basically a voluntary house
arrest program where I had a lotof freedom stripped away.
(20:02):
I had to.
I mean it was a lot of hardwork and but he always reminded
me he was like you're.
You're going to lose a lot offreedoms for the next couple of
years so that you can have truefreedom for the rest of your
life, and I mean that'sabsolutely been given to me.
His wife, Patty, became mywife's mentor and partners in
process and helping my wife toheal from all the sexual
(20:25):
betrayal trauma.
You know, having a husband whofor years I had been, you know,
cheating on her both with pornand, you know, with women in
person been lying, manipulatingand gaslighting and just
emotionally and verbally abusive.
And you know I'm not here topreach, I'm a Christian.
I'm not going to hide from that, I mean so I always I thank God
(20:46):
, you know, for Rick, I thankGod for Patty, I thank God for
you know what they introduced usto, because it was so different
than anything I'd ever seen.
And again, no part of this isto talk down or blame other
groups, like people can findhealing in, in, in, in different
places, and every group is onlyas strong as you know what they
(21:07):
believe in and the peopleleading them.
There was something so differentabout prodigals and and the
biggest difference was I wasable to look around and see guys
that had lives that I wantedand I hadn't, I hadn't really
had that before.
Like the first group I went toit was, you know, it was led by
(21:27):
a guy who I think he had like ayear and a half of sobriety, um,
but there there was no healingin his marriage and he would
tell you that you know thatthere was no transformation.
You know, there were a coupleother guys, kind of similar
shoes, like me, whereas, likeyou know, been sober for a few
months, maybe six months, andand and this is not talking down
those guys, like I'm thankfulthat they were here, it's good,
but but there was nobody that Icould look to and go, oh my gosh
(21:50):
, your life has been transformed.
But when I went to prodigals I,you know I was able to have
that where I saw multiple guys,like eight guys, nine guys that
had transformed lives, had yearsof healthy living.
Daniela SM (22:05):
And why do they keep going though?
Just because you have to?
Logan Hufford (22:09):
I mean it's twofold Recovery has never left
my life.
May 19th was eight years ofsobriety for me and July will be
eight years of recovery for mywife.
We have never left recovery.
Part of it is for myself.
I never want to be outside of ahealthy infrastructure.
(22:29):
There's other types of healthyinfrastructure outside of
recovery, but that's the bestone I know of, so why would I
just leave it?
So there's part of it that'sfor me.
But I mean a lot of it is togive back.
And so you know these guys thatI was able to meet, I mean,
yeah, they were there on somelevel because it was healthy
accountability for them, butthey were also there to give
(22:51):
back, you know, to be there forthe new guys like me.
Daniela SM (22:54):
And now you're one of them.
Logan Hufford (22:57):
Yeah, so I lead a prodigal's group that I didn't
even start.
So my mentor, Rick, he starteda prodigal's group out in the
Valley shortly after I met him.
So he started a satellite outwhere we live here when I say
the Valley, sorry, that includesWasilla so he started a
prodigal's satellite group outhere and then he and his wife
(23:18):
moved to Washington a couple ofyears ago.
So I took over the men's groupand then my wife, Carrie.
She now leads the women's group, the partners in process.
So yeah, I mean last night I'msitting in the church where we
have the meetings and we werehere last night.
I'm leading the men's group,she's leading the women's group,
but that's why we're here.
I mean there's talked to a guylast night who we stayed like 30
(23:40):
minutes late.
This was his first meeting, hehad put it off for several weeks
and this guy's different storythan me and yet there's a lot of
common denominators, right.
I mean there's just brokennessin him, brokenness in his wife,
brokenness in his marriage, butthat's why we do this, because I
thank God every day that I meta man like Rick, that I met the
people at Prodigals.
(24:00):
So whatever I can do, to justgive back to try to show people
hey, there's a different way tolive, there's a way out of that
cave.
I always think about it likethis dark cave that I got myself
into and I got myself in therebut I didn't know how to get out
.
I didn't even know if there wasa way out.
Daniela SM (24:18):
And this Pro, this protocol group, is just for sex
addiction.
Logan Hufford (24:22):
Yes, it's specifically for men struggling
with sexual addiction.
Daniela SM (24:26):
And there's no women.
Logan Hufford (24:27):
Correct.
Daniela SM (24:28):
There's no women who have sex addictions.
Logan Hufford (24:30):
That's a really tricky one.
I'm not going to speak to ittoo much just because I don't
have the personal expertise, butI just know statistically
there's a big chunk of womenthat struggle with sexual
addiction.
Depending on what study youlook at, it's about seven out of
10 men that struggle withsexual addiction and it's about
three out of 10 women.
It's a big chunk, yeah.
Daniela SM (24:51):
Wow.
Logan Hufford (24:52):
And there's different ways to quantify
struggle with sexual addiction,but I mean, no matter how you
slice it, there's a big chunk ofpeople out there that struggle
with this.
Given the nature of this, Iwould definitely argue it is
ideal that same genders areworking with each other.
If I'm new to this and I'mstruggling with preying on women
, probably I shouldn't bementoring or being mentored by a
(25:12):
woman.
I would say that that is ideal.
The group that I first went to Idon't go every week or anything
, but I still go there every sooften, every every couple of
months.
I try to go in there and againjust to meet guys and connect
with with old friends and stufflike that.
They have tried to start up agroup for women struggling with
sexual addiction, but it's hardbecause they're you know they're
(25:33):
trying to do it to to give hopeto women, but they're also, you
know, they want somebody whocan lead it, who can do it in a
safe manner and who knows whatthey're talking about, and so
it's a tricky thing.
I mean, that's a whole otheryou know ball of whack.
Women struggling with sexualaddiction yeah.
Daniela SM (25:49):
So when you are addicted to alcohol or drugs,
you're not allowed to drinkalcohol or, you know, even be
close to drugs.
What happened when you have asexual addiction and you have a
wife?
Logan Hufford (25:59):
Right Earlier I talked about.
If you had asked me when I waslike 22 years old four years
before I ever got sober likewhat's a sexual addict, I would
have painted this picture ofwhat I thought that was right.
Another part of what I wouldhave probably misunderstood is
this is not an addiction to sex.
It's not an addiction to sexualintercourse or sexual behaviors
necessarily.
(26:20):
What it is.
It is me training myself tochase after the high that I get
from giving into the sexualbehaviors.
For one guy it's going to lookone way and for another guy it's
going to look a different way.
My mentor, rick.
He had decades of sexualaddiction.
He never had sex with anotherwoman outside of his wife.
(26:41):
It was decades of pornography.
If we write out ourautobiographies, our stories are
very different.
I took my addiction in ways henever took his, and yet there
was never a moment where hewould give me feedback or he
would critique me or mentor me.
There was never a moment whereI was like you don't know where
I'm coming from, you don't getme.
I knew very quickly.
(27:01):
This guy understands where I'mcoming from.
Our addictions have flowereddifferently but we're two limbs
on the same tree.
Our DNA is the same, even ifmine manifested in different
ways than his manifested.
I didn't really actually answeryour question, so I mean, I feel
like that was context, so it's.
You know, it's not.
It's not an addiction to sex,it's an addiction to impulsively
(27:23):
and compulsively chasing aftersexual highs Outside of my
marriage.
Am I chasing anything sexual?
So, whether that'sinappropriate conversation,
whether that's physical contact,whether that's pornography, so
all of that is out of bounds,all of that would be breaking
sobriety Within the realm of mymarriage.
There are things I payattention to.
Am I seeking out my owngratification here, or are we
(27:45):
being intimate together?
Daniela SM (27:47):
So it's like the high that you get when you just
meet somebody versus, you know,already being in a relationship.
The things get a bit of aroutine.
So is that excitement?
That is what is the high foryou.
Logan Hufford (28:00):
Yeah, I mean that chasing that new and that
different, because I mean Iwould get highs from from
different things but when Iwould have an affair, in a lot
of ways that the highs that Iwas really getting from that was
not really even related to thesex, it was getting that text
back, it was getting thatattention, all of that stuff
that I was feeding on, thosewere really the highs and to
(28:25):
some extent I don't even think Ieven realized how much I was
chasing the pursuit, even morethan like the final culmination
of it.
Daniela SM (28:33):
Yeah, like it would have been good to just stay in
a fantasy.
Logan Hufford (28:36):
Yeah, a definition of sexual addiction
that I use is this Sexualaddiction is, generally speaking
, an infrastructure of routines,habits and thought patterns
that are destructive.
And yet I, if I'm a sex addict,compulsively and impulsively
continue to think and act indestructive ways around sex.
The spectrum of sexualaddiction can vary wildly in how
(28:56):
the addiction manifests.
Behaviors include, but are notlimited to, masturbation,
viewing of pornography,inappropriate conversations,
inappropriate physical andsexual contact and voyeurism.
You, you know, you had askedearlier about, like, where can
this go?
I'll just say something veryquickly.
And so my, my sexual addictionprogressed, I mean in a.
(29:17):
In a sense it was kind of likea linear progression.
Started with, you know,magazines that wasn't even
technically pornography by theworld's definition, and then it
went to still photos, and thenit went to videos and you know,
so on and so forth, and theneach of those behaviors had
their own progressions, like thetype of porn that I watched
when I was 20 was not the samestuff I watched when I was 13 or
14.
The things that I would allowmyself to do in terms of my
(29:40):
interactions with females andhow I would treat them when I
was 24 was not the same stuffwhen I was 19,.
All of this progressed and itgot deeper and darker.
And so, just like my addictionmanifested differently than my
mentors, other people havemanifested differently than mine
.
And it's not a guaranteenecessarily that you know, if
struggle with porn addiction andyou don't stop it, you will for
(30:02):
sure do the exact same thingsthat I do.
No, not necessarily.
There's different reasons whySomebody maybe won't ever
actually physically have anaffair because they're afraid of
getting caught, or because offear of STDs, because maybe the
opportunity is not quite there.
There's different reasons, butit's going to progress quite
(30:25):
there.
There's different reasons, butit's going to progress.
I believe very strongly thatpeople that I might be tempted
to view as monsters, people thatsociety views as monsters, they
didn't get there without goingthrough this journey.
That's not to say that everysex addict is going to get to
that point.
People that are in prison forstuff related to this, they
didn't get to that level ofdepravity without starting where
(30:45):
I started, without goingthrough things that I went
through.
I believe that very strongly.
So you asked about where can itgo.
That's where it can go andwhere it sometimes does.
Daniela SM (30:55):
And so you will say it's a mental illness.
Logan Hufford (30:58):
I mean yes and no .
I'm not going to pretend tolike if we're getting like
clinical definitions and stufflike that, I'm not sure it's
absolutely something that I needhealing from, I need to do
serious, intensive work on, butit is something that I can't
experience.
Healing from my behaviors alone, just not even looking at
(31:21):
anyone else.
I mean the types of things thatI did routinely, the types of
the way that I lived my life,the ways that I interacted with
the world around me, was verydepraved, was very toxic that's
an understatement Like I was amonster.
I was.
I was just an absolutesociopath.
There should not have been afuture for me.
That is the life that I livenow like, where I can have an
(31:48):
incredible marriage with my wifeand a friendship with my wife,
where there's trust, not in thesense that like, oh, there's a
band-aid and we've been sewn upand we've worked through some
things.
No, there's completetransformation.
That doesn't make any senselogically, except without true
healing.
Daniela SM (32:03):
Logan, this thing about calling yourself a monster
is that something that is partof the healing process?
Because I feel like if you hada situation, you had an
addiction.
This happened to you, so Idon't know about the monster
part.
Logan Hufford (32:19):
So when I say I was a monster, I mean there are
a couple of things there.
To me, it's very important thatI take ownership for my stuff.
The way that I treated theworld around me was terrible.
It was monstrous, it was evil.
I took what I could take fromeveryone around me.
Basically, if you were a female, I would do that.
(32:41):
But even outside of sexualaddiction, I was a manipulative,
narcissistic person.
That just my ego and my agendaand my way trying to work the
room and all that.
So there's one part of it istaking extreme ownership over my
behaviors and my decisions andI just I don't ever want to
(33:03):
minimize what I was absolutelywas a sex addict.
There was an addiction there.
I got myself into this deepdark cave.
I was trapped in a deep darkcave.
It's also true that I took thesteps to get into that cave.
Nobody made me an addict.
Do I believe that I was bornwith addictive tendencies?
Yes, I do.
I was not born a sex addict.
I do not believe that I madechoices.
(33:25):
I took steps to get myself to apoint where I found myself
trapped in this deep dark caveand not knowing if I could get
out of it, not knowing if therewas a way out.
Daniela SM (33:35):
What could have been different?
Because you know you had a goodfamily.
So now you have four boys.
How would you avoid that thishappens to your kids?
Logan Hufford (33:43):
There's a lot that I can't do, and I have to
recognize that, like in allaspects of parenting right,
especially with this, it's likeI can teach them, I can train
them.
I can't control what theirfuture is right, I can control
what they end up doing.
The one thing I can that Ireally am intentional about
trying to do, though, and Iwould say this is one I had an
(34:04):
incredible upbringing in a lotof ways, but there was one thing
that wasn't there, and that wasvulnerability from my parents.
There really wasn't evervulnerability from my mom or dad
.
They would teach us, they wouldtrain us, they would teach us
right from wrong, but therewasn't vulnerability or or
stories.
Here's why I'm teaching youthis, logan.
Here's why this matters.
I didn't really get that fromthem, and that's not.
(34:25):
I'm not trying to talk themdown, it's just it's a factor.
So one thing I do really try todo with my boys is, yeah, I
want to teach them right andwrong.
I want to teach them principlesand help them understand things
, but I also I share with them,whether it's with this, which is
with dishonesty.
You know why it matters to tellthe truth, why it matters how
we treat people, not necessarily.
(34:45):
Hey, if you, you know, if youdo this, you're going to end up
like me.
But you know, hey, this was,this was my life, this was, this
was how it was for me, and ithurt a lot of people.
All four of our boys know tosome extent our story.
My eight-year-old doesn't.
He doesn't know all the samestuff that our 12-year-old does,
but they all know when we go torecovery on Monday nights, like
(35:10):
they used to well, they stillusually will call it night
church because we go to the samechurch building that we go to
church on Sunday mornings, butthey know it's recovery.
We go there for recovery.
They know that since 2016,.
We've been going, you know, towork on our own healing and they
know that we go now primarilyto give back.
You know, to help others.
There's a long way of saying youtry to be vulnerable and I just
(35:30):
try to keep that conversationopen so that you're going to
make mistakes.
There's going to be things thathappen where you, you hurt
someone or you do somethingwrong, but we can always talk
about it.
Tell my son, my oldest son, allthe time like you can make
decisions, that that absolutelywould have consequences, like
you could make choices thatwould hurt people, that could
have consequences.
That would not make me not loveyou, that would not make me
(35:53):
reject you.
Anything you could do, anythingyou could possibly do, I will
still love you.
I will still talk with youabout things whatever, whether
that's giant, big stakes orsmall stakes, you know.
Daniela SM (36:07):
Yeah, I won't stop loving you, but I may not like
you.
Logan Hufford (36:11):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I know people felt that way
about me, some of the ways Ilive.
Daniela SM (36:15):
Yes, and what about your family?
Were they affected in any wayyou know, until you discover
what your addiction was?
Logan Hufford (36:24):
In terms of the family I was born into.
Daniela SM (36:26):
Yes, yeah, yeah, your parents and siblings.
Logan Hufford (36:29):
It took time to build trust, for sure, because I
mean I kind of alluded to thisbut I was a liar.
I used deceit and manipulationjust throughout life Cheating in
school, sneaking treats as alittle kid, I mean just
everything.
I would do what I had to do toget my way being emotionally
manipulative.
So there was definitely trustto be rebuilt with my sisters,
(36:52):
with my oldest brother for sure.
Yeah, I mean with my mom.
I mean that's a whole otherpodcast.
I mean I had a terriblerelationship with my mom all
throughout childhood, especiallyin high school years.
I truly had hatred for her.
One of the many blessings thathas been given to me over the
years is having a completelydifferent relationship with her,
and that's, I mean, that'sreally there's some connection,
(37:14):
obviously, but it's a totallydifferent thing.
But it's just, you know,becoming a healthier person, and
so I have a great relationshipwith her now.
But it took a lot of time torebuild trust with my family.
Daniela SM (37:24):
Okay, you said that when you were younger, you were
not confident and you didn'tthink that you were attractive.
However, you developed this,getting your way manipulation.
When did you switch from beinglike oh, I'm not confident, I'm
not cool.
Certainly I am deceiving and aliar and manipulating people?
Logan Hufford (37:49):
The manipulation and deceit getting my way.
That was almost always there.
I mean, I learned really quickhow to get my way and this might
be kind of a goofy analogy, butit makes sense to me.
Hopefully it'll make sense Insome ways.
It's almost like if you'rewatching a movie where there's
like the cool con man, he canalways get his way, he can
always get what he wants, butthen you see the scene where
he's like it's by himself and hedoesn't enjoy life, he doesn't
enjoy what he's doing.
He looks like he's got this,that and the other and he can
(38:10):
always get what he wants, butinternally that's not fixing
anything.
So it wasn't until I was in mylate teens, early adulthood,
that I started.
Oh, I can charm a girl, I can,you know, get what I want there.
But I mean, even as a littlekid I remember and I'm not
saying that like being charmingis always a bad thing I took it
(38:31):
to an extreme level.
But just, you know, beingcharming and being emotionally
manipulative and that kind ofthing I mean that was there when
I was seven, eight, nine yearsold.
Daniela SM (38:40):
Wow, that's fascinating, super interesting.
Logan Hufford (38:43):
You know being the youngest, so I wanted the
attention right and I knew I I'meither going to have to be
louder or funnier or morecharming to get people to talk
with me or engage with me orwhat have you.
On one hand, I don't want tolike demonize, you know being
being charming as a kid, likeit's not necessarily going to
point to something, like you'regoing to have a sexual addiction
(39:05):
, but I do think it is somethingthat it can.
It can definitely manifest inan ugly way if it's just
completely left unchecked.
Yes, I didn't even get intothis, but the whole time when I
was active in my sexualaddiction, almost the entire
time, I was a car salesman.
I was really good at my job,not because I knew the most
about cars or because I had thebest sales tactics.
(39:27):
It was because I could charmpeople, I could connect with
people and get people to open upto me.
It wasn't like a fake thing.
I mean.
I've always cared about people.
I've always enjoyed talkingwith people and getting to know
different people.
It didn't necessarily haveanything to do with sex, I mean.
I enjoyed talking with peopleand getting to know different
people.
It didn't necessarily haveanything to do with sex.
I mean, I enjoyed talking to an80 year old couple from a
(39:47):
little town, like I enjoyedtalking with them, I enjoyed
connecting with them.
But if there was somebody thatI viewed as somebody that you
know was attractive, that Iwanted to chase after, well then
I would.
I would do those same things,but it would malicious intent,
essentially.
Daniela SM (40:01):
Yes, I mean.
Charming is you can see thatyou can get things with the
charm.
So, like every talent that youhave, you can use it for bad or
for good.
Logan Hufford (40:10):
Right, exactly.
Daniela SM (40:11):
So, now that you are sharing your story, which
your group is now sharing theirstories, amongst the outside
population, right, how did youget inspired about doing this?
Logan Hufford (40:21):
There's a few things going on there.
It's been a couple of years nowthat I have had this fire in my
belly and I've had differentideas about what it would look
like.
Almost two years ago it was atthe end of summer 2022, I just
started having this fire in mybelly of, like how can I connect
with other people?
How can I just share what Godhas given me, what I have been
given, this gift of recovery?
(40:42):
How can I connect with otherpeople?
Like, how can I just share what, what God has given me, what I
have been given, this gift ofrecovery?
How can I share that with morepeople?
So there've been some thingswithin the group as far as you
know.
You know just putting it outthere within the community and
stuff, and so people don't knowhey, you can come to this group.
Like, this is a group that'savailable.
But then just thinking aboutother things with connecting
with people on a larger globalscale, just like, what can I do
(41:04):
to share this light?
And I think, especially withsexual addiction, because there
can be so much shame, we'retalking about some dark stuff.
There can be a tendency to hiderecovery under a bushel, where
it's like I cherish my recovery.
I'm thankful for it, but thisis my recovery.
My recovery, I'm thankful forit, but it's, this is my
(41:25):
recovery and I don't want tolike put it out there because
you know there's guilt andthere's shame and I don't want
you know.
People to, you know, think ofme a certain way and so I'm just
, I'm thankful that I'm sober,but like I'm going to keep it
under a bushel.
I understand that thinking.
Maybe if somebody has a certaintype of job shoot I mean, if
somebody was a elementaryteacher and they had my story,
like yeah, they probablywouldn't want to put it out
there.
I have this, this passion nowfor a couple of years, going
(41:48):
whatever I can do to put thisout there, not not my story, but
but what God has done throughmy life, through my wife's life,
through our marriage, through alot of people all around me.
It's an amazing gift that,again, when I was going full
circle, the very first questionyou asked me right, like, why do
I want to share my story?
It's because, as much as I wasresponsible for my choices, I
(42:08):
also remember what it was liketo be a 23, 24, 25 year old dad,
wanting nothing more than tohave never been created because
I hated my life.
I hated the fact that Godcreated me.
I hated the fact.
I mean these words with allsincerity.
I hated the fact that I was adad, not because I hated my kids
, I hated the fact that they hadme.
That's a dark place to live inand I didn't think that there
(42:30):
was healing.
I didn't think there was hopefor me.
So whatever I can do to put thefact that recovery exists, even
from the stuff that I did if Ican put that in front of anyone
I want to do it Specificallywith podcasts.
It's something that's comeabout just in the last maybe
like six, six, seven months,cause I've thought about writing
(42:51):
a book and putting together,you know, courses or something
like, and maybe something likethat could still come to
fruition.
But I also can struggle withperfectionism and so it's like
would I ever actually finish itwith podcasts?
Like, hey, let me just jump in.
Let me just jump in and startdoing it, get better as time
goes on and get better atsharing my story and doing
podcasts, and started anInstagram page just putting
(43:12):
content out there just again totry to give any hope to anybody
that might see it.
Daniela SM (43:17):
Yes, and Logan you mentioned, would you have
listened if you were 23 and youwould have met Rick.
Logan Hufford (43:24):
I mean that's like the age-old question, right
?
It's like if all of thesethings had happened at 22, 23, I
don't know, and I mean I'vethought about that and I don't
know the answer to that Likemaybe I wouldn't have felt
enough pain.
I don't know.
Daniela SM (43:41):
Yes, yes, interesting, interesting.
And so now you have yourInstagram account, which you
please say the name.
Logan Hufford (43:48):
It's at no longer in bondage.
So it's periods in between thewords of no period, longer
period in period bondage.
I mean I cherish those wordsbecause I mean we spent a lot of
time talking about sexualaddiction, feeling trapped right
and feeling in that dark place.
People have asked like so areyou healed now?
Like you're fixed now, and Idon't like that verbiage.
(44:10):
I don't get too hung up onlabels, but I don't love that,
as if it's like it couldn't evercome back.
If I chose to pursue it, itabsolutely would come back.
I would be feeding this beastthat's locked away, that's
thrown under lock and key kindof thing.
(44:30):
But I'm not trapped anymore, Idon't have to live that way
anymore.
I legitimately thought that Icouldn't live any other way.
This is just who I am for therest of my life.
So that's why I chose thosewords it's at no longer in
bondage.
And yeah, folks can follow.
For content hopefully some hopeand some inspiration.
And also, if you don't, if youhave a question and you want to
reach out to me and you canshoot me a message on there not
going to promise that I can.
(44:51):
You know I I'm the one who'sgoing to walk with you for the
rest of your life, but I canpoint you in the right direction
, hopefully, and help talk withyou about resources that are
available.
Daniela SM (44:59):
Yes, you're very brave.
I enjoyed and appreciate thestory.
You taught me something that Ididn't know, never heard it
before.
I am certain that you will helppeople, one person at a time,
and that's amazing.
So thank you so much for beingso vulnerable and sharing this
with us and with me.
Logan Hufford (45:16):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much, Daniela.
Thank you.
Daniela SM (45:19):
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
I am Daniela and you arelistening to, because Everyone
has a Story.
Please take five seconds rightnow and think of somebody in
your life that may enjoy whatyou just heard, or someone that
has a story to be shared andpreserved.
When you think of that person,shoot them a text with the link
(45:39):
of this podcast.
This will allow the ordinarymagic to go further.
Join me next time for anotherstory conversation.
Thank you for listening.
Hasta pronto.
Thank you, thank you.
Hi, I'm Daniela.
Welcome to my podcast.
Because Everyone has a Story,the place to give ordinary
people's stories the chance tobe shared and preserved.
Our stories become the languageof connections.
Let's enjoy it, connect andrelate because everyone has a
story and relate becauseeveryone has a story.
(00:31):
Welcome, my guest is LoganHufford.
This is a different episode fromall the stories that I have
listened so far.
It's living a life built of afoundation of addiction and
deceit.
Logan is sharing a profound anddeeply personal journey through
sexual addiction, starting veryearly, exposed to magazines
that were just regular andleading to a series of
(00:52):
destructive behaviors thatnearly destroyed his marriage
and family.
I am grateful that he issharing his story about sexual
addiction.
We know a lot about mentalhealth with substance abuse.
We don't know much about sexualaddictions and he mentioned
there is a high percentage ofindividuals that actually go
(01:14):
through that too.
This is a subject that maybemany people don't want to talk
about.
Of course, the story has ahappy ending, where Logan is no
longer in bondage to sexualaddiction and he's able to say
these words as the secondbiggest bless in his life.
You may not relate with thisepisode, as you may never
experience anything like that orknow of anyone like that.
(01:37):
There are so many nuggets,however, of insightfulness to
grow or compassion for us humansthat I hope you see that too,
so let's gain wisdom from hisstory.
Welcome Logan to the show.
Logan Hufford (01:51):
Thanks so much, Daniela.
Daniela SM (01:52):
Yes, I am happy that you're here and that you
have a space to share your story.
Why do you want to share yourstory?
Logan Hufford (01:58):
As much as I can't control how somebody
receives my story, my goal isthat by sharing my story, I can
give some hope to somebody thathas been in the shoes that I've
been in.
Daniela SM (02:10):
Okay, and so when does your story start?
Logan Hufford (02:13):
I mean technically, it starts when I
was about nine years old.
Just at least give you the30,000 foot view for right now,
and then you can zoom in howeveryou like.
Hopelessness, being in a darkplace of hopelessness, feeling
like there's no way out.
That was me for a lot of years,from maybe age 20 to age 25.
I was a raging sex addict.
(02:35):
I had been addicted topornography for years, which
then that sexual addictionprogressed to where then I
started acting out.
The things that I was viewingwith pornography and sexual
affairs became the next level tothat.
And so by the time I gotmarried June 4th 2011, I was 20
(02:55):
years old.
I cheated on my wife multipletimes and that just continued.
That just snowballed forseveral years.
We had kids young.
We had four boys in five years.
So I was an early to mid-20shusband and dad.
(03:16):
Continually cheating on my wife, continually looking at
pornography, got to the pointwhere I was hiring prostitutes.
This whole double life hatedmyself, hated the things that I
was doing.
I made those choices.
I don't shy away from that.
I don't blame anything on.
Like you know, it was myaddiction.
It's like no, I had anaddiction, but I made those
choices.
Daniela SM (03:37):
But you didn't know it was an addiction, or did you
?
Logan Hufford (03:40):
Not in it.
No, I mean, it wasn't until Iwas 25, 26 years old where I
actually encountered thatverbiage like sexual addiction.
Daniela SM (03:49):
How did that happen ?
You were reading something orsomebody mentioned it.
Logan Hufford (03:53):
Yeah.
So after several years of this,and my wife knew I would
confess things to her.
Every time I would have asexual affair, I would confess
to her because I'd feel so badabout it, I would get it out of
my system, I'd get it off mychest.
And I want to emphasize that'sextremely selfish, yes, and so
that's kind of the point.
Right, it wasn't to build trust, it wasn't that it was
(04:15):
repentance, I wasn't changing mybehavior, I just felt bad and
so it felt good to vomit it out,and so that's what I would do.
So she knew about affair afteraffair.
She didn't know how to respond.
She's a young mom, she's tryingto take care of her babies, and
so in 2015, she did somethingthat she'd never done before and
she gave me an ultimatum andsaid if you do not get serious
(04:36):
help, you will lose me and theboys.
And I believed her, absolutelybelieved that she meant that.
So we did a little bit ofresearch summer of 2015,.
Believed that she meant that.
So we did a little bit ofresearch summer of 2015,.
Did a little bit of research onsexual addiction and she, I
remember she found this websitethat had a test Are you a sex
addict.
She's like I want you to takethat test.
I passed that test with flyingcolors and then we found, like
(04:57):
some, some groups and things,and that was the first moment
where the possibility of I'm asexual addict, I'm a sex addict,
did that cross my mind.
If you'd asked me, when I was22 years old, let's say I don't
know if I ever had heard thatterm before, but I would have
thought like, okay, a sexuallyaddicted person, a sex addict,
(05:19):
that's a guy on like a FBI watchlist, that's a guy, you know,
some greasy dude in his basement, you know, that's, that's one
of those, that's one of these,these real, these real weird,
creepy people.
Well, I absolutely was somebodywho was driven by impulses, by
selfish motivations.
I was a predator, I mean, I wasjust this sociopathic monster
(05:44):
and I trained myself to chasewhatever was new and different
and that you know, that was withpornography, that was with my
interactions with other people,and it was.
It was absolutely an addiction.
But again, I I didn't yeah,didn't think of it in those
terms when I was actively in it.
It wasn't until I actuallyfound some resources that that
(06:08):
terminology even made sense tome.
Daniela SM (06:09):
And you were not addicted to anything else
alcohol, drugs, nothing likethat.
Logan Hufford (06:13):
There were definitely other addictions, not
nearly to the level of sexaddiction.
I smoked for several years, butI don't even know that that was
an addiction.
It was pretty much siloedsocially where I would smoke if
I was drinking or if I was atwork.
I never smoked at home.
I never smoked around my family.
So even though I smoked forseveral years, I was able to
(06:35):
just stop smoking, drank toomuch, but I don't know that that
was an addiction.
I actually had a really badsports gambling addiction and
that was throughout this wholetime as well.
I definitely have an addictivepersonality where I have to be
careful.
I mean literally games on myphone, just anything.
I have to be careful.
Nothing came close to sexualaddiction when it came to.
(06:56):
I have trained myself andallowed this thing to just drive
me.
Daniela SM (07:01):
And why did you say that your story starts at nine
years old?
Logan Hufford (07:16):
And why did you say that your story starts at
nine years old?
I'm taking ownership of where Iwas at my introduction to
pornography.
I grew up in a stable,relatively sheltered, really
safe, loving home.
There was no porn to be had.
I'm younger than some.
I'm older than some.
This is late 90s.
There were no iPads.
(07:37):
There were no smartphones.
It was JCPenney catalogs.
I found the swimwear andlingerie in the middle of the
giant Christmas catalog.
I remember thinking I like howI feel when I see these women
wearing lingerie and bikinis.
And so again, that's notpornography by any definition
that you and I were defined, butfor me and how I interacted
(08:01):
with it, it was Because I wassexually objectifying these
images of these women.
Daniela SM (08:07):
But you just learned that later.
Obviously you wouldn't haveknown that.
Logan Hufford (08:11):
Yeah, I mean in the moment.
I mean I liked how I felt and Ididn't know how sex worked, I
didn't know what masturbationwas, I didn't know what to do
with myself, I just knew I likedhow I felt when I would see
these pictures.
I felt some shame, I felt like,okay, I feel kind of bad, I
shouldn't be.
I mean, I definitely like Iwasn't doing it out in the open,
you know, but even at nineyears old it was already
(08:33):
starting, and so, you know,before too long I started
looking at that same stuff on acomputer again.
Very rarely would I ever getthat opportunity because of the
home that I lived in, but when Icould I would.
And then it was around 13 or 14.
That's when I first learnedabout masturbation and that's
when I started looking athardcore porn videos and that's
(08:57):
when it really took it toanother level, continued for
several years, and then itwasn't until 19 that I started
really interacting with otherwomen in person and training
myself that way.
Daniela SM (09:12):
Your wife.
You met her in high school.
Logan Hufford (09:14):
No, it was shortly after that.
We met at the end of 2019.
We worked together, so it wasabout a year year and a half, I
guess after we both graduated.
We didn't know each other inhigh school at all, but yeah, we
met when we're both 19.
And then we got married about ayear and a half later.
I was 20 and she was 21.
Daniela SM (09:34):
If you knew that you like something new all the
time and that you were excitedabout different things
constantly, why would you wantto get married?
Logan Hufford (09:43):
Yeah, because to that point my behaviors were
basically limited to porn.
I absolutely knew I had aproblem with porn and I
mentioned that to her as, likehey, I, I, I don't like that.
I look at porn, you know.
But I'm I'm trying to work onit, I think to to a point that
was that was honest.
Like I, I, I didn't like it andI did want it to go away.
I didn't know how the heck towork on it and I wasn't really
(10:06):
doing anything concrete andtangible to work on it, but I
just in my head I was trying airquotes, right, but to that
point I hadn't been cheating onpeople.
I kind of skipped over somestuff.
I mean, growing up I always wasvery insecure.
I've always.
I always felt like I was ugly.
I always felt like girlswouldn't like me.
I wanted attention from femalesbut I was always very insecure
(10:28):
and scared and shy around.
I wasn't shy around people ingeneral, but I was always shy
around girls like my age.
So there were, there were not alot of external interactions
with girls when it came to anyanything sexual.
I've had my first kiss and thatkind of thing and stuff like
that, but it was.
It was very, very limited.
So when, when I was dating mywife to that point, basically
(10:50):
all of these behaviors werelimited to pornography and I'm
saying basically because I meanthere absolutely were some seeds
planted I didn't realize thatthere was depravity, I didn't
realize that there wasprogression.
At this point and I can expandon that, but maybe that makes a
little bit of sense In my mindit was like okay, I struggle
with porn, but that's it.
And then this is such a commonlie I didn't realize it at the
(11:12):
time.
When I get married, well thenthe porn will just go away,
because we'll be married and ofcourse she's in love with me and
we'll be having sex.
And that's not how it works.
It does not make the porn goaway.
Daniela SM (11:24):
I can only think about your wife, I mean, and the
lack of knowledge, because thisis not a subject that people
talked about.
You know, you hear aboutaddiction with alcohol and drugs
, and now we are a little bitmore aware of what is going on,
but in your case that is a bitdifferent.
So what happened?
So you decided to work on it,you got an ultimatum and then
(11:47):
how was the discovery?
To realize, okay, I have anaddiction, and also how bad
could have gotten?
How far have you heard ofanybody that has gotten worse
than you?
What happens?
Destroy marriages, I assume,and what else?
Logan Hufford (12:03):
else.
So the last thing that youasked about you know how, how
bad could it have gotten?
You know other otherexperiences, other things I know
about.
There's a lot there and I wantto unpack that, but I'll I'll
respond to the.
I guess the the first part, uh,in terms of you know.
So, when I got the ultimatumfinding recovery what what that
looked like, because that was ajourney in and of itself.
(12:23):
I got an ultimatum findingrecovery what that looked like,
cause that was a journey in andof itself.
I got an ultimatum from my wifeat the end of July of 2015.
My sobriety date is May 19th2016.
So there's almost a year where Istill was not sober.
I was still in hindsight, Istill basically playing around
with it, like I wasn't takingthings seriously.
(12:45):
I thought I was and to someextent I think she you know she
probably was.
I'm not saying this was healthy, but I think to some extent she
was probably happy that I wasmaking any efforts at all, even
though they weren't very fullbodied.
So like I had started to go tosome groups, I'd started to open
myself up to to people for help, like I had four months at one
(13:08):
point of sobriety, from July toNovember of 2015.
I had four months of sobrietybut I wasn't.
There was no healing, there wasno recovery.
It was just white knuckling andnot acting out, but I wasn't
changing up the infrastructureof my life.
Uh, I didn't have any realaccountability, and so I
remember very vividly Novemberof 2015,.
(13:29):
I had a bad day at work, wentoff into the bathroom,
masturbated pornography and itwas like just right back, right
back there.
I never had sex with anotherwoman after after that point.
But I continually struggledwith porn for the next several
months and there were definitelypoints where, you know,
sexually inappropriateconversations with women and,
and you know that kind of thingput myself in really, really bad
(13:52):
spots.
Thankfully did not go evenfurther than that.
But you know cause I?
I've been asked like, well, yourwife gave you an ultimatum in
July, like, so why?
Why didn't she just leave youbetween July and May of 16?
And and she completely couldhave.
Um, we were still I'm saying we, I mean I was still learning.
(14:12):
She was still learning, likewhat it even looked like to be
healthy, right, and how torespond in a healthy way.
Just because she gave me anultimatum.
It wasn't like a toggle switchjust got flipped and now
suddenly she's the.
You know, she knows exactlywhat to do in every situation.
And now suddenly I'm thisperfectly no, no, no, it was a
journey, um, but what theultimatum did is it.
(14:32):
It did, um, it lit a fire, it?
It?
It showed me.
I.
If I'm going to keep doing thisstuff, there are, there will be
some very real consequences,which I I understood that
theoretically, but I always feltlike I can play with fire and
I'm not going to get burned, andI mean that manifested in all
kinds of areas in life.
(14:53):
For me, that's just how Iinteracted with life was I can
play with fire and not getburned.
And so when she gave me thatultimatum, I was like, okay, at
least my wife and my kids, I'mgoing to lose that if I don't
make some efforts.
But, like I said, so thoseefforts were limited.
The healing was very limiteduntil it was in March of 2016
(15:18):
was the first time that Iactually have some hope, and
what that looks like was I hadmet a guy named Rick at a
celebrate recovery, so it's aChristian 12 step recovery group
and there was there was somereally good elements to this
group and things that I reallyappreciate.
You know, to this day, everygroup is different, but it was a
little bit surfacy in the sensethat I could come and I could
(15:42):
share how I was doing, or Icould share my story and I would
get a lot of encouragement, andthat's good.
I needed a safe space.
I didn't need a comfort zone,and it was kind of a comfort
zone I could share.
I would get encouragement.
I would get guys to kind of patme on the back and like, hey,
man, we're glad you're here,glad you're working on it.
But if, if I had had a bad weekfilled with like bad decisions,
nobody was calling me out,nobody was like dude, what are
(16:05):
you doing?
And to some extent and this istrue in most recovery groups,
not all in most recovery groupsyou're usually not really
allowed to do that because theywant it to be a safe space and
so people aren't really allowedto to grill each other a little
bit.
Daniela SM (16:16):
That's the question that I have for you.
Because you go to these groups,are you mixed with drugs and
alcohol?
So they're all together.
Logan Hufford (16:24):
It's just addictions, it's just a pool of
guys.
Daniela SM (16:26):
But I feel like it's true you can share, but
personally I would like to knowhow to get help.
Just sharing and saying you'rehere good for you doesn't really
help.
Handsome people's personality,for sure.
Logan Hufford (16:40):
Yeah, but most of this story is us living in
Wasilla.
I was working in Anchorage, allmy behaviors were in Anchorage.
I mean, that's a whole.
Other thing is the geography ofaddiction is often a very real
thing.
I had these geographicalboundaries of I'm going to keep
my addiction to Anchorage, whereI work.
I'm not going keep my addictionto Anchorage, which where I
work.
I'm not going to bring it withme home to Wasilla.
(17:02):
Okay, that makes sense.
That's good strategy.
Yeah, I mean.
Yeah, I was.
I worked very hard, you know,to protect it and protect myself
and all this.
Yeah, I like I went to an SAAgroup, a sex addicts, anonymous.
I went to that for a few months,and that's where I had, like, I
had four months of sobriety,but no healing, no, no
transformation.
That was an Anchorage.
(17:22):
Celebrate recovery was inWasilla, and so celebrate
recovery again.
It didn't.
In and of itself, there was nota lot of.
There was no healing ortransformation there for me and
I'm not I'm not blaming thegroup, like I, you know, I was
not taking things very seriously, but what?
What did happen, though, was Godintroduced me to a man, rick,
(17:45):
and he what?
He was the only other guy outof this whole group that was not
there for substance and he heand I were both there for sexual
addiction recovery.
I mean he was there giving backEssentially he had I don't know
eight years of of sobriety andrecovery.
And mean he was there givingback essentially he had I don't
know eight years of sobrietyrecovery.
And he was like Logan, I'm gladyou're here, just like the
other guys that said he's likeI'm glad you're here, but you
need something more than this.
(18:05):
He's like, given your story,you need something more.
I needed something more.
And so he told me about thisgroup called prodigals and he's
and at that at that time it wasonly there was a group in
Anchorage and that was it.
He was like this group was the,it was.
I did a program with them.
It was the hardest thing I'veever done, but it's what I
needed.
He's like you don't needsomething lightweight, you need
something heavy duty.
Daniela SM (18:25):
But he was in your group before that.
He was, he was, he was passingby.
How did that happen?
Logan Hufford (18:30):
So he, because he lived in Wasilla and so he and
his wife attended the CelebrateRecovery he had found his
healing not in CelebrateRecovery, he had found his
healing in this prodigals group.
So and that's where, like, I'malways thankful for Celebrate
Recovery, not necessarilybecause of anything that I did
with it, but because I met himthere and so I still kept him at
arm's length for a couplemonths where I'm like like that
(18:52):
sounds really hard, that soundslike I don't want hard work,
(19:19):
no-transcript.
But they were, these were,these were good guys, like,
these were just guys that youcould just tell were had
experienced a lot of healing andin most cases not all, but in
most cases they had transformedmarriages, they had restored
marriages.
So there's a prodigals groupfor men struggling with sexual
(19:41):
addiction, but there's also agroup partners in process for
women that had been abused, withsexual betrayal trauma, for a
woman that had suffered thatfrom her spouse, who became my
rent mentor, rick.
He mentored me for two years ina basically a voluntary house
arrest program where I had a lotof freedom stripped away.
(20:02):
I had to.
I mean it was a lot of hardwork and but he always reminded
me he was like you're.
You're going to lose a lot offreedoms for the next couple of
years so that you can have truefreedom for the rest of your
life, and I mean that'sabsolutely been given to me.
His wife, Patty, became mywife's mentor and partners in
process and helping my wife toheal from all the sexual
(20:25):
betrayal trauma.
You know, having a husband whofor years I had been, you know,
cheating on her both with pornand, you know, with women in
person been lying, manipulatingand gaslighting and just
emotionally and verbally abusive.
And you know I'm not here topreach, I'm a Christian.
I'm not going to hide from that, I mean so I always I thank God
(20:46):
, you know, for Rick, I thankGod for Patty, I thank God for
you know what they introduced usto, because it was so different
than anything I'd ever seen.
And again, no part of this isto talk down or blame other
groups, like people can findhealing in, in, in, in different
places, and every group is onlyas strong as you know what they
(21:07):
believe in and the peopleleading them.
There was something so differentabout prodigals and and the
biggest difference was I wasable to look around and see guys
that had lives that I wantedand I hadn't, I hadn't really
had that before.
Like the first group I went toit was, you know, it was led by
(21:27):
a guy who I think he had like ayear and a half of sobriety, um,
but there there was no healingin his marriage and he would
tell you that you know thatthere was no transformation.
You know, there were a coupleother guys, kind of similar
shoes, like me, whereas, likeyou know, been sober for a few
months, maybe six months, andand and this is not talking down
those guys, like I'm thankfulthat they were here, it's good,
but but there was nobody that Icould look to and go, oh my gosh
(21:50):
, your life has been transformed.
But when I went to prodigals I,you know I was able to have
that where I saw multiple guys,like eight guys, nine guys that
had transformed lives, had yearsof healthy living.
Daniela SM (22:05):
And why do they keep going though?
Just because you have to?
Logan Hufford (22:09):
I mean it's twofold Recovery has never left
my life.
May 19th was eight years ofsobriety for me and July will be
eight years of recovery for mywife.
We have never left recovery.
Part of it is for myself.
I never want to be outside of ahealthy infrastructure.
(22:29):
There's other types of healthyinfrastructure outside of
recovery, but that's the bestone I know of, so why would I
just leave it?
So there's part of it that'sfor me.
But I mean a lot of it is togive back.
And so you know these guys thatI was able to meet, I mean,
yeah, they were there on somelevel because it was healthy
accountability for them, butthey were also there to give
(22:51):
back, you know, to be there forthe new guys like me.
Daniela SM (22:54):
And now you're one of them.
Logan Hufford (22:57):
Yeah, so I lead a prodigal's group that I didn't
even start.
So my mentor, Rick, he starteda prodigal's group out in the
Valley shortly after I met him.
So he started a satellite outwhere we live here when I say
the Valley, sorry, that includesWasilla so he started a
prodigal's satellite group outhere and then he and his wife
(23:18):
moved to Washington a couple ofyears ago.
So I took over the men's groupand then my wife, Carrie.
She now leads the women's group, the partners in process.
So yeah, I mean last night I'msitting in the church where we
have the meetings and we werehere last night.
I'm leading the men's group,she's leading the women's group,
but that's why we're here.
I mean there's talked to a guylast night who we stayed like 30
(23:40):
minutes late.
This was his first meeting, hehad put it off for several weeks
and this guy's different storythan me and yet there's a lot of
common denominators, right.
I mean there's just brokennessin him, brokenness in his wife,
brokenness in his marriage, butthat's why we do this, because I
thank God every day that I meta man like Rick, that I met the
people at Prodigals.
(24:00):
So whatever I can do, to justgive back to try to show people
hey, there's a different way tolive, there's a way out of that
cave.
I always think about it likethis dark cave that I got myself
into and I got myself in therebut I didn't know how to get out
.
I didn't even know if there wasa way out.
Daniela SM (24:18):
And this Pro, this protocol group, is just for sex
addiction.
Logan Hufford (24:22):
Yes, it's specifically for men struggling
with sexual addiction.
Daniela SM (24:26):
And there's no women.
Logan Hufford (24:27):
Correct.
Daniela SM (24:28):
There's no women who have sex addictions.
Logan Hufford (24:30):
That's a really tricky one.
I'm not going to speak to ittoo much just because I don't
have the personal expertise, butI just know statistically
there's a big chunk of womenthat struggle with sexual
addiction.
Depending on what study youlook at, it's about seven out of
10 men that struggle withsexual addiction and it's about
three out of 10 women.
It's a big chunk, yeah.
Daniela SM (24:51):
Wow.
Logan Hufford (24:52):
And there's different ways to quantify
struggle with sexual addiction,but I mean, no matter how you
slice it, there's a big chunk ofpeople out there that struggle
with this.
Given the nature of this, Iwould definitely argue it is
ideal that same genders areworking with each other.
If I'm new to this and I'mstruggling with preying on women
, probably I shouldn't bementoring or being mentored by a
(25:12):
woman.
I would say that that is ideal.
The group that I first went to Idon't go every week or anything
, but I still go there every sooften, every every couple of
months.
I try to go in there and againjust to meet guys and connect
with with old friends and stufflike that.
They have tried to start up agroup for women struggling with
sexual addiction, but it's hardbecause they're you know they're
(25:33):
trying to do it to to give hopeto women, but they're also, you
know, they want somebody whocan lead it, who can do it in a
safe manner and who knows whatthey're talking about, and so
it's a tricky thing.
I mean, that's a whole otheryou know ball of whack.
Women struggling with sexualaddiction yeah.
Daniela SM (25:49):
So when you are addicted to alcohol or drugs,
you're not allowed to drinkalcohol or, you know, even be
close to drugs.
What happened when you have asexual addiction and you have a
wife?
Logan Hufford (25:59):
Right Earlier I talked about.
If you had asked me when I waslike 22 years old four years
before I ever got sober likewhat's a sexual addict, I would
have painted this picture ofwhat I thought that was right.
Another part of what I wouldhave probably misunderstood is
this is not an addiction to sex.
It's not an addiction to sexualintercourse or sexual behaviors
necessarily.
(26:20):
What it is.
It is me training myself tochase after the high that I get
from giving into the sexualbehaviors.
For one guy it's going to lookone way and for another guy it's
going to look a different way.
My mentor, rick.
He had decades of sexualaddiction.
He never had sex with anotherwoman outside of his wife.
(26:41):
It was decades of pornography.
If we write out ourautobiographies, our stories are
very different.
I took my addiction in ways henever took his, and yet there
was never a moment where hewould give me feedback or he
would critique me or mentor me.
There was never a moment whereI was like you don't know where
I'm coming from, you don't getme.
I knew very quickly.
(27:01):
This guy understands where I'mcoming from.
Our addictions have flowereddifferently but we're two limbs
on the same tree.
Our DNA is the same, even ifmine manifested in different
ways than his manifested.
I didn't really actually answeryour question, so I mean, I feel
like that was context, so it's.
You know, it's not.
It's not an addiction to sex,it's an addiction to impulsively
(27:23):
and compulsively chasing aftersexual highs Outside of my
marriage.
Am I chasing anything sexual?
So, whether that'sinappropriate conversation,
whether that's physical contact,whether that's pornography, so
all of that is out of bounds,all of that would be breaking
sobriety Within the realm of mymarriage.
There are things I payattention to.
Am I seeking out my owngratification here, or are we
(27:45):
being intimate together?
Daniela SM (27:47):
So it's like the high that you get when you just
meet somebody versus, you know,already being in a relationship.
The things get a bit of aroutine.
So is that excitement?
That is what is the high foryou.
Logan Hufford (28:00):
Yeah, I mean that chasing that new and that
different, because I mean Iwould get highs from from
different things but when Iwould have an affair, in a lot
of ways that the highs that Iwas really getting from that was
not really even related to thesex, it was getting that text
back, it was getting thatattention, all of that stuff
that I was feeding on, thosewere really the highs and to
(28:25):
some extent I don't even think Ieven realized how much I was
chasing the pursuit, even morethan like the final culmination
of it.
Daniela SM (28:33):
Yeah, like it would have been good to just stay in
a fantasy.
Logan Hufford (28:36):
Yeah, a definition of sexual addiction
that I use is this Sexualaddiction is, generally speaking
, an infrastructure of routines,habits and thought patterns
that are destructive.
And yet I, if I'm a sex addict,compulsively and impulsively
continue to think and act indestructive ways around sex.
The spectrum of sexualaddiction can vary wildly in how
(28:56):
the addiction manifests.
Behaviors include, but are notlimited to, masturbation,
viewing of pornography,inappropriate conversations,
inappropriate physical andsexual contact and voyeurism.
You, you know, you had askedearlier about, like, where can
this go?
I'll just say something veryquickly.
And so my, my sexual addictionprogressed, I mean in a.
(29:17):
In a sense it was kind of likea linear progression.
Started with, you know,magazines that wasn't even
technically pornography by theworld's definition, and then it
went to still photos, and thenit went to videos and you know,
so on and so forth, and theneach of those behaviors had
their own progressions, like thetype of porn that I watched
when I was 20 was not the samestuff I watched when I was 13 or
14.
The things that I would allowmyself to do in terms of my
(29:40):
interactions with females andhow I would treat them when I
was 24 was not the same stuffwhen I was 19,.
All of this progressed and itgot deeper and darker.
And so, just like my addictionmanifested differently than my
mentors, other people havemanifested differently than mine
.
And it's not a guaranteenecessarily that you know, if
struggle with porn addiction andyou don't stop it, you will for
(30:02):
sure do the exact same thingsthat I do.
No, not necessarily.
There's different reasons whySomebody maybe won't ever
actually physically have anaffair because they're afraid of
getting caught, or because offear of STDs, because maybe the
opportunity is not quite there.
There's different reasons, butit's going to progress quite
(30:25):
there.
There's different reasons, butit's going to progress.
I believe very strongly thatpeople that I might be tempted
to view as monsters, people thatsociety views as monsters, they
didn't get there without goingthrough this journey.
That's not to say that everysex addict is going to get to
that point.
People that are in prison forstuff related to this, they
didn't get to that level ofdepravity without starting where
(30:45):
I started, without goingthrough things that I went
through.
I believe that very strongly.
So you asked about where can itgo.
That's where it can go andwhere it sometimes does.
Daniela SM (30:55):
And so you will say it's a mental illness.
Logan Hufford (30:58):
I mean yes and no .
I'm not going to pretend tolike if we're getting like
clinical definitions and stufflike that, I'm not sure it's
absolutely something that I needhealing from, I need to do
serious, intensive work on, butit is something that I can't
experience.
Healing from my behaviors alone, just not even looking at
(31:21):
anyone else.
I mean the types of things thatI did routinely, the types of
the way that I lived my life,the ways that I interacted with
the world around me, was verydepraved, was very toxic that's
an understatement Like I was amonster.
I was.
I was just an absolutesociopath.
There should not have been afuture for me.
That is the life that I livenow like, where I can have an
(31:48):
incredible marriage with my wifeand a friendship with my wife,
where there's trust, not in thesense that like, oh, there's a
band-aid and we've been sewn upand we've worked through some
things.
No, there's completetransformation.
That doesn't make any senselogically, except without true
healing.
Daniela SM (32:03):
Logan, this thing about calling yourself a monster
is that something that is partof the healing process?
Because I feel like if you hada situation, you had an
addiction.
This happened to you, so Idon't know about the monster
part.
Logan Hufford (32:19):
So when I say I was a monster, I mean there are
a couple of things there.
To me, it's very important thatI take ownership for my stuff.
The way that I treated theworld around me was terrible.
It was monstrous, it was evil.
I took what I could take fromeveryone around me.
Basically, if you were a female, I would do that.
(32:41):
But even outside of sexualaddiction, I was a manipulative,
narcissistic person.
That just my ego and my agendaand my way trying to work the
room and all that.
So there's one part of it istaking extreme ownership over my
behaviors and my decisions andI just I don't ever want to
(33:03):
minimize what I was absolutelywas a sex addict.
There was an addiction there.
I got myself into this deepdark cave.
I was trapped in a deep darkcave.
It's also true that I took thesteps to get into that cave.
Nobody made me an addict.
Do I believe that I was bornwith addictive tendencies?
Yes, I do.
I was not born a sex addict.
I do not believe that I madechoices.
(33:25):
I took steps to get myself to apoint where I found myself
trapped in this deep dark caveand not knowing if I could get
out of it, not knowing if therewas a way out.
Daniela SM (33:35):
What could have been different?
Because you know you had a goodfamily.
So now you have four boys.
How would you avoid that thishappens to your kids?
Logan Hufford (33:43):
There's a lot that I can't do, and I have to
recognize that, like in allaspects of parenting right,
especially with this, it's likeI can teach them, I can train
them.
I can't control what theirfuture is right, I can control
what they end up doing.
The one thing I can that Ireally am intentional about
trying to do, though, and Iwould say this is one I had an
(34:04):
incredible upbringing in a lotof ways, but there was one thing
that wasn't there, and that wasvulnerability from my parents.
There really wasn't evervulnerability from my mom or dad
.
They would teach us, they wouldtrain us, they would teach us
right from wrong, but therewasn't vulnerability or or
stories.
Here's why I'm teaching youthis, logan.
Here's why this matters.
I didn't really get that fromthem, and that's not.
(34:25):
I'm not trying to talk themdown, it's just it's a factor.
So one thing I do really try todo with my boys is, yeah, I
want to teach them right andwrong.
I want to teach them principlesand help them understand things
, but I also I share with them,whether it's with this, which is
with dishonesty.
You know why it matters to tellthe truth, why it matters how
we treat people, not necessarily.
(34:45):
Hey, if you, you know, if youdo this, you're going to end up
like me.
But you know, hey, this was,this was my life, this was, this
was how it was for me, and ithurt a lot of people.
All four of our boys know tosome extent our story.
My eight-year-old doesn't.
He doesn't know all the samestuff that our 12-year-old does,
but they all know when we go torecovery on Monday nights, like
(35:10):
they used to well, they stillusually will call it night
church because we go to the samechurch building that we go to
church on Sunday mornings, butthey know it's recovery.
We go there for recovery.
They know that since 2016,.
We've been going, you know, towork on our own healing and they
know that we go now primarilyto give back.
You know, to help others.
There's a long way of saying youtry to be vulnerable and I just
(35:30):
try to keep that conversationopen so that you're going to
make mistakes.
There's going to be things thathappen where you, you hurt
someone or you do somethingwrong, but we can always talk
about it.
Tell my son, my oldest son, allthe time like you can make
decisions, that that absolutelywould have consequences, like
you could make choices thatwould hurt people, that could
have consequences.
That would not make me not loveyou, that would not make me
(35:53):
reject you.
Anything you could do, anythingyou could possibly do, I will
still love you.
I will still talk with youabout things whatever, whether
that's giant, big stakes orsmall stakes, you know.
Daniela SM (36:07):
Yeah, I won't stop loving you, but I may not like
you.
Logan Hufford (36:11):
Yeah, yeah, I mean I know people felt that way
about me, some of the ways Ilive.
Daniela SM (36:15):
Yes, and what about your family?
Were they affected in any wayyou know, until you discover
what your addiction was?
Logan Hufford (36:24):
In terms of the family I was born into.
Daniela SM (36:26):
Yes, yeah, yeah, your parents and siblings.
Logan Hufford (36:29):
It took time to build trust, for sure, because I
mean I kind of alluded to thisbut I was a liar.
I used deceit and manipulationjust throughout life Cheating in
school, sneaking treats as alittle kid, I mean just
everything.
I would do what I had to do toget my way being emotionally
manipulative.
So there was definitely trustto be rebuilt with my sisters,
(36:52):
with my oldest brother for sure.
Yeah, I mean with my mom.
I mean that's a whole otherpodcast.
I mean I had a terriblerelationship with my mom all
throughout childhood, especiallyin high school years.
I truly had hatred for her.
One of the many blessings thathas been given to me over the
years is having a completelydifferent relationship with her,
and that's, I mean, that'sreally there's some connection,
(37:14):
obviously, but it's a totallydifferent thing.
But it's just, you know,becoming a healthier person, and
so I have a great relationshipwith her now.
But it took a lot of time torebuild trust with my family.
Daniela SM (37:24):
Okay, you said that when you were younger, you were
not confident and you didn'tthink that you were attractive.
However, you developed this,getting your way manipulation.
When did you switch from beinglike oh, I'm not confident, I'm
not cool.
Certainly I am deceiving and aliar and manipulating people?
Logan Hufford (37:49):
The manipulation and deceit getting my way.
That was almost always there.
I mean, I learned really quickhow to get my way and this might
be kind of a goofy analogy, butit makes sense to me.
Hopefully it'll make sense Insome ways.
It's almost like if you'rewatching a movie where there's
like the cool con man, he canalways get his way, he can
always get what he wants, butthen you see the scene where
he's like it's by himself and hedoesn't enjoy life, he doesn't
enjoy what he's doing.
He looks like he's got this,that and the other and he can
(38:10):
always get what he wants, butinternally that's not fixing
anything.
So it wasn't until I was in mylate teens, early adulthood,
that I started.
Oh, I can charm a girl, I can,you know, get what I want there.
But I mean, even as a littlekid I remember and I'm not
saying that like being charmingis always a bad thing I took it
(38:31):
to an extreme level.
But just, you know, beingcharming and being emotionally
manipulative and that kind ofthing I mean that was there when
I was seven, eight, nine yearsold.
Daniela SM (38:40):
Wow, that's fascinating, super interesting.
Logan Hufford (38:43):
You know being the youngest, so I wanted the
attention right and I knew I I'meither going to have to be
louder or funnier or morecharming to get people to talk
with me or engage with me orwhat have you.
On one hand, I don't want tolike demonize, you know being
being charming as a kid, likeit's not necessarily going to
point to something, like you'regoing to have a sexual addiction
(39:05):
, but I do think it is somethingthat it can.
It can definitely manifest inan ugly way if it's just
completely left unchecked.
Yes, I didn't even get intothis, but the whole time when I
was active in my sexualaddiction, almost the entire
time, I was a car salesman.
I was really good at my job,not because I knew the most
about cars or because I had thebest sales tactics.
(39:27):
It was because I could charmpeople, I could connect with
people and get people to open upto me.
It wasn't like a fake thing.
I mean.
I've always cared about people.
I've always enjoyed talkingwith people and getting to know
different people.
It didn't necessarily haveanything to do with sex, I mean.
I enjoyed talking with peopleand getting to know different
people.
It didn't necessarily haveanything to do with sex.
I mean, I enjoyed talking to an80 year old couple from a
(39:47):
little town, like I enjoyedtalking with them, I enjoyed
connecting with them.
But if there was somebody thatI viewed as somebody that you
know was attractive, that Iwanted to chase after, well then
I would.
I would do those same things,but it would malicious intent,
essentially.
Daniela SM (40:01):
Yes, I mean.
Charming is you can see thatyou can get things with the
charm.
So, like every talent that youhave, you can use it for bad or
for good.
Logan Hufford (40:10):
Right, exactly.
Daniela SM (40:11):
So, now that you are sharing your story, which
your group is now sharing theirstories, amongst the outside
population, right, how did youget inspired about doing this?
Logan Hufford (40:21):
There's a few things going on there.
It's been a couple of years nowthat I have had this fire in my
belly and I've had differentideas about what it would look
like.
Almost two years ago it was atthe end of summer 2022, I just
started having this fire in mybelly of, like how can I connect
with other people?
How can I just share what Godhas given me, what I have been
given, this gift of recovery?
(40:42):
How can I connect with otherpeople?
Like, how can I just share what, what God has given me, what I
have been given, this gift ofrecovery?
How can I share that with morepeople?
So there've been some thingswithin the group as far as you
know.
You know just putting it outthere within the community and
stuff, and so people don't knowhey, you can come to this group.
Like, this is a group that'savailable.
But then just thinking aboutother things with connecting
with people on a larger globalscale, just like, what can I do
(41:04):
to share this light?
And I think, especially withsexual addiction, because there
can be so much shame, we'retalking about some dark stuff.
There can be a tendency to hiderecovery under a bushel, where
it's like I cherish my recovery.
I'm thankful for it, but thisis my recovery.
My recovery, I'm thankful forit, but it's, this is my
(41:25):
recovery and I don't want tolike put it out there because
you know there's guilt andthere's shame and I don't want
you know.
People to, you know, think ofme a certain way and so I'm just
, I'm thankful that I'm sober,but like I'm going to keep it
under a bushel.
I understand that thinking.
Maybe if somebody has a certaintype of job shoot I mean, if
somebody was a elementaryteacher and they had my story,
like yeah, they probablywouldn't want to put it out
there.
I have this, this passion nowfor a couple of years, going
(41:48):
whatever I can do to put thisout there, not not my story, but
but what God has done throughmy life, through my wife's life,
through our marriage, through alot of people all around me.
It's an amazing gift that,again, when I was going full
circle, the very first questionyou asked me right, like, why do
I want to share my story?
It's because, as much as I wasresponsible for my choices, I
(42:08):
also remember what it was liketo be a 23, 24, 25 year old dad,
wanting nothing more than tohave never been created because
I hated my life.
I hated the fact that Godcreated me.
I hated the fact.
I mean these words with allsincerity.
I hated the fact that I was adad, not because I hated my kids
, I hated the fact that they hadme.
That's a dark place to live inand I didn't think that there
(42:30):
was healing.
I didn't think there was hopefor me.
So whatever I can do to put thefact that recovery exists, even
from the stuff that I did if Ican put that in front of anyone
I want to do it Specificallywith podcasts.
It's something that's comeabout just in the last maybe
like six, six, seven months,cause I've thought about writing
(42:51):
a book and putting together,you know, courses or something
like, and maybe something likethat could still come to
fruition.
But I also can struggle withperfectionism and so it's like
would I ever actually finish itwith podcasts?
Like, hey, let me just jump in.
Let me just jump in and startdoing it, get better as time
goes on and get better atsharing my story and doing
podcasts, and started anInstagram page just putting
(43:12):
content out there just again totry to give any hope to anybody
that might see it.
Daniela SM (43:17):
Yes, and Logan you mentioned, would you have
listened if you were 23 and youwould have met Rick.
Logan Hufford (43:24):
I mean that's like the age-old question, right
?
It's like if all of thesethings had happened at 22, 23, I
don't know, and I mean I'vethought about that and I don't
know the answer to that Likemaybe I wouldn't have felt
enough pain.
I don't know.
Daniela SM (43:41):
Yes, yes, interesting, interesting.
And so now you have yourInstagram account, which you
please say the name.
Logan Hufford (43:48):
It's at no longer in bondage.
So it's periods in between thewords of no period, longer
period in period bondage.
I mean I cherish those wordsbecause I mean we spent a lot of
time talking about sexualaddiction, feeling trapped right
and feeling in that dark place.
People have asked like so areyou healed now?
Like you're fixed now, and Idon't like that verbiage.
(44:10):
I don't get too hung up onlabels, but I don't love that,
as if it's like it couldn't evercome back.
If I chose to pursue it, itabsolutely would come back.
I would be feeding this beastthat's locked away, that's
thrown under lock and key kindof thing.
(44:30):
But I'm not trapped anymore, Idon't have to live that way
anymore.
I legitimately thought that Icouldn't live any other way.
This is just who I am for therest of my life.
So that's why I chose thosewords it's at no longer in
bondage.
And yeah, folks can follow.
For content hopefully some hopeand some inspiration.
And also, if you don't, if youhave a question and you want to
reach out to me and you canshoot me a message on there not
going to promise that I can.
(44:51):
You know I I'm the one who'sgoing to walk with you for the
rest of your life, but I canpoint you in the right direction
, hopefully, and help talk withyou about resources that are
available.
Daniela SM (44:59):
Yes, you're very brave.
I enjoyed and appreciate thestory.
You taught me something that Ididn't know, never heard it
before.
I am certain that you will helppeople, one person at a time,
and that's amazing.
So thank you so much for beingso vulnerable and sharing this
with us and with me.
Logan Hufford (45:16):
Absolutely.
Thank you so much, Daniela.
Thank you.
Daniela SM (45:19):
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
I am Daniela and you arelistening to, because Everyone
has a Story.
Please take five seconds rightnow and think of somebody in
your life that may enjoy whatyou just heard, or someone that
has a story to be shared andpreserved.
When you think of that person,shoot them a text with the link
(45:39):
of this podcast.
This will allow the ordinarymagic to go further.
Join me next time for anotherstory conversation.
Thank you for listening.
Hasta pronto.
Thank you, thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!