September 6, 2024 • 35 mins
This week on "Before You Cut Bangs," we’re kicking off with our new segment, "Show and Tell." Claire shares the most scandalous gifts she received with Laura and Will, including "Clone a Willie" and "Clone a Lady Part" kits. Guess which one has batteries...
We dive headfirst into the pressures of perfectionism on social media. Is the flawless life you see online really as perfect as it seems? Join us as we explore the contrast between meticulously curated posts and the chaotic reality behind the scenes. From our personal tales of perfectionism to the concept of "fake it till you make it," we even throw in an AI roast of an Instagram feed for good measure. Let's tackle the authenticity issues head-on and question the real motives behind those idealized snapshots.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all, unless you want toand it turns out well, then you
can trust us, that's great.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Okay.
So to start this episode, willand Laura, don't?
This just came to me and I'mgoing to just trust it.
Okay, so, will and Laura, don'tthis just came to me and I'm
going to just trust it.
Okay, I'm going to start a newsegment, at least for today.
Today, we're going to call itshow and tell, and I hope I can
come up with something moreclever.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
I like show and tell.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
No, show and tell is cool.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm going to second grade.
So last week we mentioned thatI got married and a couple weeks
ago some girls that I work withthrew like a little shower for
me, which is really sweet.
Don't make that face, only work.
People were invited.
I didn't even take Amanda, itwasn't a tier one thing I wonder
why you didn't get any panties.
This is why.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
I was invited, I was there.
Oh my God, I was the only male.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
But we needed an emcee to kind of be like now
let's do the dildo toss.
I will flip this table.
It didn't happen.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I was not there.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
So I'm going to pass y'all a blind bag and these are
two items that I got.
It is not clothing, and I justwant you to give a little
commentary and people won't getto see these.
I don't even know if it can bepublicly viewed on Instagram, so
we'll see.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Wait, so blind bag, like we're not supposed to look
in it.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Yeah, no.
I just have to reach in andgrab one.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
There's accidentally like a phone charger and stuff
in here, because I just grabbedthe first bag I saw.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Okay, so I don't need to just reach in and grab
something.
Yeah, okay, alright.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
So you can pull it out and look at it.
You have to.
Oh, I thought you just like.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I don't want you like opening the bag and, okay, oh
God, this was actually perfect.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
So the box, it's a box, okay, oh sweet.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Okay, wow.
So what'd you get, laura?
So I got a clone of Willie, thein-home penis molding kit,
which is so helpful for your newmarriage.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
But that one's not really a piece of artwork.
You can put a battery in it.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Oh so this is useful.
Oh so this is useful.
You clone it and then, ifBobby's out of town, you have a
perfectly made toy that alreadyfits.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
And I'd like to acknowledge that I'm the person
that in episode one was sayingsorry, and y'all can imagine
that I opened these in publicand then said that you were
sorry about opening it.
I think I played, I think I waspretty relaxed in public and
then I was like, oh my god, Ihave to hide these forever, okay
(03:12):
.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Well, I mean, I think this is an innovative gift,
very innovative.
And how did how did bobby feelabout this?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
he thought it was hilarious, and I think that Is
he excited to participate,though Let you do it.
His first question, which isvalid, is like how do you get
the mold going?
And then we laughed again, soyou put.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I feel like I know the answer to that.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
All right, okay, what'd you get?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, so this one is a similar product, but for
Claire it's.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
I don't like it personalized.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Clone a lady part.
Clone a Claire, clone a ladypart and boy.
The instructions, the pictures.
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
I didn't care for it at all I don't like that.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
The instructions on mine also kind of seem like it's
like baking a cake until youget to the part.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I don't feel like it has to be warm, all right.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Is this, though?
Like that?
One is a tool, yeah.
Is this like a piece of art?
It is Okay.
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Wow, yeah, so you know, ifby wants to put on his
desk at work, like you know,whatever shelf at home near the
bedside table, miss her, youknow.
Take it with you on the road.
Sure, a trip like a blank, likea little like a little, oh yeah
, like a teddy bear, but youknow, you don't think?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
no, no one's doing that adventurous will this?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
is a white elephant gift here.
That is like a oh, this will beinteresting totally, this is a
joke kind of deal.
That is like a oh, this will beinteresting, totally, this is a
joke kind of deal.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Something I didn't mention is mine, the one I
picked, not mine, but it glowsin the dark, which is also
helpful in case it is reallydark and you need to find it
again.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
So what I really like about this is an art therapist
gave it to me and I felt likethat was like the perfect art
therapist gift.
Okay, well, thanks for comingto our first show and tell yeah,
and this one's hot pink, by theway that does.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
That sounds like something bobby would put on his
desk for sure can we?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
let's put this away here yeah, I'm gonna put it back
in the bag.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
It's hard to stare at make him will real
uncomfortable guys just that oneYours, I think is interesting.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
While I have come a long way, I still can't say
certain words.
So the clone, a blankety blank.
I don't know that I've eversaid that P word out loud before
.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
You haven't?
Oh, I probably have, but I'mpretty you know?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Oh, I have, but not in like the conversation, like
this yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Yeah, I don't't.
I mean, it's not like somethingI've said regularly.
There are certain words.
I will not say that, I justthink are the c word.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I don't like that one .
I don't like it honestly, ohokay, okay.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Well, thanks for showing tell.
That was super exciting.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Uh, I am don't want to hear about how you use those
you don't want to hear howthey're made, like how the what
if something really funnyhappens?
You're going to make that I'mgoing to give it a whirl, you're
going to make yours.
I think I would crumble inembarrassment, but I think I
think Bobby's going to be fine.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Okay.
Okay, I think it's great Reportback.
Maybe I'll get one.
I don't know if I'll tellanybody, but it's great Report
back.
Maybe I'll get one.
I don't know if I'll tellanybody, but it's kind of like
my sister when she startedonline dating.
She just never told me untilshe went on her first terrible
date and had to call me and belike I'm locked in a bathroom.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Well, I just ordered the wing ding doodle thing.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You didn't.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
From Teemu From.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Teemu, the Teemu version, all right y'all.
Well, speaking of phallic items, I'm just kidding.
Today we're talking aboutperfectionism and how it's
really easy to achieve andeverybody's doing it, and
there's filters for anything.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
It's so frustrating, Like watching social media and
seeing people the way theyportray themselves and stuff.
It's really frustrating.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Say more yeah, the way they portray themselves and
stuff.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Uh-huh, it's really frustrating.
Say more yeah.
Well, I don't know.
I have this theory that themore you portray your life to be
perfect on social media, themore.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
I bet there's some issues there.
Hmm, you've told me that before, yeah it's true.
Do you have like a specificexample, not of the person, but
like of?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
something you see regularly, that you're like I
bet there's some shit going downthere well, yeah, but without.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
I feel like I'm just gonna call people out.
Okay, that would find out aboutit okay, why what?
Do you mean why?
Let them people listen to well,because then flora just kidding
.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Just what's wrong with me?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I'm not kidding all right, we all know people that
we know they have issues withtheir spouse or with their
children or with their jobs orwhatever, yet constantly just
post the most perfect thingabout their spouse and their
child and work.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Okay, but let's swing the other way.
I feel like this episode onperfection is going to be so
honed in on social media, whichis fine.
It's a massive part of ourculture.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
The opposite side for me, and I've messaged you about
this the criers on social mediawait, did I text you, did I
send you the one that came uptoday, where there's a girl
literally throwing herselfagainst the wall, screaming,
crying, throwing up, basically,who then was like there's then a
woman, comes on and she's likethe fact that you had to set up
(08:28):
a damn tripod to capture thiswell, like you literally
orchestrated your own tantrum tolike set up a and listen, I
understand.
obviously we just did an episodeon emotion, like we want you to
have emotions.
It's not a bad thing.
It's also not a bad thing totalk about your emotions so
people know they're not alone.
(08:48):
The all where y'all sendingy'all's audition tape.
So, like, what are we doing?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Are we auditioning for movie parts, like I think
the movement came from peoplecalling out perfectionism.
Right, they're like we're alljust showing these perfect sides
, like.
I think some are kind of funny,like instagram versus reality
and it shows like a beautifulliving room and then it like
pans through the kitchen andit's like a total disaster, like
yes, totally fine.
Like that's instagram versusreality, and then it swung like
(09:19):
a little too far into the likeset up a tripod screaming,
crying crying, throwing up.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
my husband just left me like literally, and then it's
like her screaming and cryingand throwing herself on the
floor.
But the girl that came on andwas like, help me understand
where you're sending thisaudition tape to, and how long
did it take you to set up thetripod to capture this angle
perfectly, when you're throwingyourself against the wall, like
I'm not Obviously even that,like the intentionality of what
(09:51):
it takes to either make yourlife look so perfect or to go so
far out of your way to show,like, how distraught you are.
Both of those feel real, real,wild to me.
But what about justperfectionism?
What?
What are what?
What's somebody going throughif they feel like they have to
pretend like their life isperfect?
Speaker 2 (10:09):
I told you I'm not speaking on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Oh yeah, that's right , you did say that.
Claire feels like she's beentoo much of a therapist lately
and not funny enough.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, here comes this bitch with another diagnostic
code.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Are they trying to convince themselves?
Are they trying to convincepeople around them?
Are they trying to make?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
up for the fact I can only speak for myself.
When I feel myself moving intoperfectionism, it is normally
because I'm trying to convincemyself everything's going to be
okay, like a play pretend.
Yeah, like you make it exactlywhich was a lot of my life like
fake it till you make it.
Pretend you're a good mom.
You're not, pretend you're aperfect wife.
(10:51):
You're not pretend you're theperfect leader, you're not like.
I do think that and I I tried.
It's so funny.
I did that roast thing whereyou like go on ai and like send
a screenshot of your instagramfeed and it was like okay,
hallmark, like back down thesunset photos and quotes and I
was like shit, I don't know.
This is a thing oh, it is athing you take a screenshot of
(11:13):
your, of your instagram feed andthen you upload it to ai to
chat gpt and say roast in oneparagraph, roast.
My instagram feed and mine waslike all right, hallmark, we get
it like you like philosophicalquotes and long walks on the
beach, but really dial it back.
How about like a candid photoevery now and then?
And I was like shit.
I felt kind of convicted.
(11:35):
I was like damn, guys, and I, Iget.
I don't want to just talk aboutmyself, but I will say I try my
best to be real and I try topost things that are like things
I'm on the other side of.
So it's not like I'm like, hey,look at my perfect life, but I
am kind of like, hey, here's areally pretty picture and also
(11:56):
here's a story that goes with it.
That probably is hard.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I will answer the question, of course you will.
To me, teemu We've been talkinga lot about Teemu outside here.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Actually, will educated us that they are now
shipping things from California.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Guys not just China, and we are thrilled to hear that
news, because I won't orderfrom them for many reasons, and
that's one of them.
So now I might be ordering apatio set right here from the US
of A.
I think a part of this.
(12:34):
Let me show you what I have ordon't have on social media is in
attempt of connection.
Connect to me so I feel liked.
Connect to me so I feel secure.
Connect to me so I feel loved.
And I don't know that that hasto be a conscious thought.
There's this like drive of likeI got to put this thing out
there and see what I get back.
It's like I'm trying to give soI can receive, but we're
missing the mark a little bitbecause that's not authentic
(12:56):
disclosure.
That's something you woulddisclose to a tier one, friend,
a therapist, your husband, yourwife, your whoever not like
possibly millions of people.
That's not mindful disclosing.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, but we're talking about perfectionist.
Perfectionism as it relates tolike if you're presenting
yourself, and it doesn't matterif you're doing this on social
media or if you're doing this atwork, if you're doing this in
your personal life, like thereis nothing more annoying to me
than a friend who always showsup and has their shit together
like I hate that.
(13:29):
I'm psyched.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Are they really perfect, though?
Well, no, but, Like I mean,maybe they're really perfect.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Maybe they are, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I don't have any of those friends.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I've weeded them all out.
I'm like I would like for you,if we are going to be real
friends tier one or tier two,I'd like to know you have a
really good day.
So I'd like to know thatsometimes you feel like shit,
like I think that I valuesomeone who gets to show up in
the messy middle and I want toconnect with them more.
(13:58):
I find more connection insomeone who's a little more
often authentic about and I knowyou hate that word authenticity
, but I do and I think that.
So like, when I see it happen,you know I'm.
It's impossible for me topretend I'm perfect at work,
because I'm so far from perfectat work, but I do see people
struggle with it and it'spainful to watch.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Nobody's perfect at anything.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
You just said, maybe they are perfect.
Well, I was just joking,because you said they show up
and everything's like together.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Nobody's perfect at anything.
So like when you were earliersaying, like you know, I'm not
perfect at my job.
Like no one is, I'm not perfectat this being a wife, but then
you also said I'm not a goodmother.
That's not true.
Oh, I meant like you said theword good there and I was like
sorry, we need to go back onthat, thanks will I appreciate
that I try to be a good mom.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I I'm saying like I'm definitely.
That has not been something Iever struggled, pretending I was
perfect dad, because it was somessy.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
There's something soothing to me about those
people that like not a hair isout of place and like their
clothes are ironed Perfectly,perfectly and I Fresh from the
dry cleaner.
Yeah, crispy I'm.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Fresh from the dry cleaner.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah, crispy, I'm like man, I bet you don't have a
junk drawer, and so there'slike there's actually an
alluring piece to me about theperfect people.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Well put together.
People are different thanperfect people, though.
Okay Okay, and like I would say, you said I bet they don't have
a junk drawer.
I'm always like I bet their caris so fucking clean.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yes, oh my god and like their makeup's, all tidy
they vacuum their car like twicea week again.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Some of the people that I know that their car is
perfect, have the best wardrobeand the most clean car and the
all that stuff have the mostissues in their lives.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
You know that's soothing because my car is foul
right now, so and I feel reallyloving and nice and some other
positive traits.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Remember that time I wore that hat, claire could not
keep her shit together.
It's on the laugh track youbitch.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
To be fair, I couldn't keep my shit together
remembering that I was going tosay I.
I think we both just kind oflooked at it that day, and it
wasn't until you brought it backup a couple weeks later because
when you came in in the hat, itwas a cry for help, you know it
was like she's in a space rightnow.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
We're gonna let her be there first of all, it was a
cry for my weave, you bitches.
And second of all, I don'tstart laughing right now.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
I'm really not going to have a fit, it just feels
good.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I'm feeling it.
Obviously, that was not a cryfor perfection.
Okay, when do you go intoperfection?
When, when do you struggle?
Speaker 2 (16:47):
That's brings us right back, as usual, to the
Enneagram.
It's not bad and I'll tell youwhy.
So if you're familiar with theEnneagram, every number has your
like, your type, and then youhave a place you go in stress
and a place that you go ingrowth.
So when I am in growth, like areally balanced state, feeling
(17:07):
good, I go to type one, which isthe perfectionist.
So when I'm like orderly andstructured and like striving for
good stuff, I am in myperfectionistic place and it
visually looks that way.
When it doesn't, when I'm likeanxious, stressed or whatever,
and I'm mentally aiming forperfection, like I have to get
(17:30):
all of this shit done yesterdayand it has to be right, that's
when it shows up for me.
I'm very rarely like I have tolook a perfect way or appear to
other people in a perfect way,as we can tell by how I talk on
this podcast, like I'm notwinning any public speaking
awards or getting any specialprize for not having a trash
(17:52):
mouth.
So that's how mine looks like.
It's not that exciting.
I actually or you say you go toone and if I'm in growth, Okay,
and where do you go If you're,I'm a two.
If I'm in stress, which meansI'm like giving up everything to
everybody else, I'm last on thelist.
So a two is the giver.
Codependency people pleasing.
(18:13):
When I am stressed, that iswhen I'm people pleasing.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Because I go to six and nine, right, but I go to
nine when I'm unhealthy.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Right, I can tell you .
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, I can't remember.
I think, where do you go whenyou're trying to be perfect?
Wait, let, let me guess, youfucking never try to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I just work out sometimes running too much and
like yeah, bring it on, keepgoing.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
What are we?
What are we doing?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
we brought you here today to say we've had enough,
we are over it this is anintervention.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
This is an intervention, and we are tired
of your perfectionistictendencies.
I'm just kidding where do yougo?
What, what's your thing?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
oh, that's a good question, because I mean, I try
to be really likeself-deprecating again, right?
So even with all my like socialmedia posts, you'll see, even
if I'm like, oh, that's a cool,whatever, the comment is going
to be something silly about meor like that time I rode a bike.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
We finally cracked you.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Mr Self-deprecation.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
That's like my form of humor.
All right, so ChatGPT says yourInstagram is a fun mix, but it
screams.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Wait, we're going to Instagram.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
It's kind of answering your question about it
says that my Instagram is a funmix, but it screams I'm trying
to keep up with the cool kids.
Here's the thing.
I don't know that I trust this,though.
I don't think that's true,because the first thing it says
is the fitness flex, the on myinstagram, but it knows you do.
(19:55):
It'd pump that iron it doesn't,but really there's no, there's
nothing you got any like tanktops on in any pictures?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
hey, it's, it crawls, the internet, it crawls.
It crawls your grid, eventhough you're, you're sending it
a photo, a screenshot.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
It's never take that out, or or else uh, yeah, but
here's the thing Shut up, youcan look on all of my Instagram,
all whatever.
I don't have a million pictures, but there's no picture of me
at a gym or like working out.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Okay, your Instagram grid looks like it's trying to
be everything at once Asentimental scrapbook, a fashion
catalog and a motivationalposter collection.
You've got enough quotes tostart your own Hallmark card
line.
Sprinkle between photos thatscream I'm just effortlessly
fabulous.
The selfies are on point, butthat one sunset picture is
really carrying the weight ofyour deep, introspective side,
(20:46):
isn't it?
And let's not overlook therandom crowd shots.
Are those to remind us you doin fact have a social life After
all?
Or overall?
It's like you're trying to tella cohesive story, but the plot
keeps getting interrupted by aneed to show off your latest
cute outfit.
This motherfucker, that'sfucking mean.
(21:08):
I know it is mean, but I waskind of like, is it true, Is it?
I don't know.
I try not to do what it says,but obviously it says I'm doing
it.
I wonder how many do ourlisteners hate my instagram feed
?
Do you think I'm just being abig poser if you do write in?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
I'm just kidding or you can to me and I'll filter
through them all right, clearchat.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
gpt says it's like you're trying to remind us all
that you've got it all figuredout and maybe, just maybe,
making us a little jealous inthe process.
Keep up the good work, supermom.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Okay, it just goes to show.
This is why it's dangerous totalk about perfectionism on
social media, because maybewe're all freaking, doing it to
some degree.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
So I'll say this when you actually do this, what it
does is it breaks down like bigthings and it's all like really
nice stuff, Like oh, you know,you have to ask it to roast you
in a paragraph I did in aparagraph.
It does at the end, and then atthe end it gives you a
paragraph that roasts you.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Oh, mine didn't do that.
Mine just gave me like sixthings about like your dogs and
your kids and your adventurousspirit and all this stuff, and
then at the end, yeah, sorry toruin the fun, then at the end
gives a funny roasting.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
I'm gonna be honest, my child, gpj, hates me.
That shit just roasted the hellout of me.
So what's interesting aboutthat?
Like trying to make peoplejealous or, super mom, I swing
so far away from over disclosingon instagram that I probably do
just post kind of like benign,pleasant things with one
sentence or less as your caption.
Yeah, like not to be look howperfect it is, but to more be
(22:48):
like I save my private stuff forprivate Meanwhile I've got a
full on diary going To be fair.
your job asks for that, minedoesn't.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, thank god, you would.
You would hate it.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
I couldn't.
A lot of therapists are doingthat and that's how they're
marketing themselves and I, likephysically, can't oh, but I
love.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I love in-person claire vulnerability best.
See, it's my favorite, my veryfavorite.
How do you feel about yourroast?
You're saying it's fake.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
So ours are.
Ours are real and yours is fake.
Yours is fake.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I'm a 43-year-old dude that Loves bikes and drums
and hosts shows Says trying tokeep up with the cool kids.
Yeah, that's accurate.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You are a cool kid though.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Yeah, that's true, it screams.
I'm trying to keep up with thecool kids while juggling
different parts of my life.
Keep it up, but don't be afraidto commit to one vibe.
You're already doing all theright things for the gram.
I'm shocked.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I didn't get that Okay, so let's talk to the
people that are struggling withperfection, God.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
am I the only one that?
Speaker 1 (23:55):
took proper medication and vitamins today.
Yes, I did not take anymedication I'm so sorry or
vitamins.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Well, I'm worked out vitamin and caffeinated.
So what you had asked is wheredo you go in stress as a type
three?
So a little reminder Laura is athree on the Enneagram, so she
is an achiever striving forsuccess.
We love them.
They get shit done.
When you are stressed, you gointo nine.
That's the peacemakerretreating into, like avoiding
Well unproductive busy work.
When you are stressed, you gointo nine.
(24:19):
That's the peacemakerretreating into like avoiding
Well unproductive busy work.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
So you think you're being productive, but there's no
follow through where I actuallygo in stresses but I call my
three favorite people and repeatstories on repeat.
It's very unproductive.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
unproductive you lose energy and motivation.
But when you're secure, you gointo a type six, desiring to be
with like loved ones and connectwhich.
The type six is the loyalist.
I love a loyalist, I married aloyalist.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
I think that feels true to me.
Cool Yep, hey, how about whatif you are a person and you are
struggling with perfectionism?
Like, what do we want to say tothose people?
Because, hey, by the way, stopdoing it.
Don't do it.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Yeah, obviously Excuse them I know, you know,
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Actually, I think y'all are right and I'll tell
you why in a sec.
Okay, First, can we defineperfectionism outside of social
media?
Because we've really onlyfocused on that.
Like what it might look likefor someone like at work.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, I deal with a lot of work personalities.
How could that impact youprofessionally?
Um, I mean, I think, the waythat I see it, one when I see
perfectionism showing up in atwork, whether with my clients,
because I work with a ton ofleaders and most of the time
leaders really want to get itright.
So this idea of perfectionismtypically is coming from a place
of like wanting to do a reallygood job, like and it is a
(25:43):
perception idea of like I don'twant anybody to think I'm
messing everything up right.
So I have a ton of compassionwhen I see somebody who's really
struggling and showing up inperfectionism because I know
it's normally not always, but Iwould say in my 17 years of
leading people it has been athing that I feel like is coming
(26:06):
from a place where they're likeI just want to get this right,
and so you know that's myobservation of it.
When I see it, and I thinkthere's an unhealthy side to
that Somebody who genuinely isalways saying and thinking that
they have the right answers thatis normally coming from a
deeply insecure place likedeeply insecure.
(26:27):
You want people to think you'rekilling it, and what ends up
happening?
Because you're always tellingpeople you're killing.
It is that it kind of lookslike you're not or you might not
be at all okay, so you'resaying this could come from like
a positive, motivated place oflike.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
I really just want to get this right.
The first time yes, um, if itpushes beyond that, it can be.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
I'm insecure, so please see me as valuable in my
perfectionism yes, I totally Ithink that's helpful a lot of
times too, and this is just likepeople who lead people.
If you got somebody showing uptrying to be perfect all the
time, a lot of times wherethat's coming from is they don't
have clear expectations.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
Because you love an expectation, god, I love an
expectation, great expectations,a good book, and also something
you should do as a leader givepeople expectations so that they
can hit them and I do thinkthere are like two different
kind of things we're talkingabout One which is perception of
perfection, and one is actualperfectionism, right when people
are like actually striving tobe perfect.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Yeah, and that one is the one that I feel the most
compassion over.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Oh, that's a serious thing, yeah, where it can lead
to major depression and stufflike that.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Anxiety, yes, Look at you, Mr Clinical Hat today he.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Googled that shit.
That was really good Chat GPT,I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
He's actually just reading things from chat GPT
right now.
That's the whole thing.
And Timu he's sending us linksto things we can order that come
from California.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I love what y'all just hit on and I love that it
wasn't me saying it, You'rewelcome, aren't y'all?
Refreshed listeners that itwasn't me blabbing no, we're not
.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
We love you're the actual fucking professional on
the this call.
Yeah, whatever, this is myjob's done here okay, we all did
great.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I love that.
So the motivation is different.
One can lead into like maybesome mental health issues, and
then one is like this drive tolike feel good and okay I think
it could probably lead to mentalhealth issues as well, like
trying to be perfect on alsoexhaustion, like even if it
doesn't lead to depression oranxiety which I can't imagine
how it wouldn't at least lead toanxiety.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
But I will tell you I I feel so.
I want to just hug them and belike come here, sit in my lap
and let me tell you all thereasons why it's okay.
You know, when I first startedgoodGrip, one of the things that
I did is like I encouragepeople to fail and report how
they're failing once a week andand like actually celebrate it.
Like guys, we started a company, of course we're going to mess
(28:49):
things up.
Like how will we grow if wedon't?
Please don't pretendeverything's going perfectly,
because I know it's not, becauseI'm not doing it perfectly
either, and I think that gavepeople a lot of freedom in the
beginning of the company, andit's something that I still talk
about now.
Like I want us to feel like wecan talk about the things we
messed up, because if we don't,we can't get better.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Well, what we've accidentally and beautifully
defined are socially prescribedperfectionists.
So that means like you're superinternally self-critical, so
you out there see me as thesethings.
Then the one we have miss isother oriented meaning like I
expect you to be perfect wehaven't even touched on that.
(29:28):
Like you be perfect, so I feelgood.
So that's a highly critical,highly judgmental person.
That that's like they'redestroying their relationships.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
I feel I know people like you know them.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
And then you know what?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
I always fail at being perfect, so I really miss
those people For sure.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
So and then the last one where we felt like a little
bit more like fluffy andpositive or the self oriented
perfectionist.
So those might be ones on theEnneagram.
They're really organized,that's who has the clean card,
that's who has the put togetheroutfits, and they just have high
standards and like highachievements.
So like you might have a touchof that in a good way, being a
(30:10):
three is like it's not about thehair and the hat.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's very compartmentalized, if we're
going to be honest about it,because that car be messy, we
definitely have some junkdrawers, but I do love to come
in a crisp outfit with good hair, so that last type, the
self-oriented, is the mostflexible and adaptable.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So that's like, if you have a taste of
perfectionism and you're awareof it and it's more in this
achieving sense, you're moreflexible because you're not as
critical of others, well I andyou're not hating yourself and
by the way, I know I strugglewith it.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
I know that I struggle with perfectionism,
like it is something, and it'svery compartmentalized, it
doesn't show up everywhere, butwhen I feel myself doing it, it
is when I am the least likableversion of myself to myself.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So y'all ready for my tips and tricks.
I love the tip and trick.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Please give it to us.
The person who wasn't going totalk on this podcast or give any
clinical advice.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Yes, go, you know, recently this has nothing to do
with what I'm about to say, butI was like am I supposed to be a
therapist?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Is it what was meant for me, when I really believe
I'm supposed to be a goat farmermaking cheese, and so my god,
literally the first meeting me,and claire ever said I was like
you know, because what elsewould I ask on a first friend
day?
Where do you see yourself?
In five years and I'm likechurning dairy like 20 years and
you're like I see myself livingon a dairy farm making goat
(31:36):
cheese and I will go and candles.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
And I maintain that truth.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Literally I don't know if we're gonna be friends.
But then I was like, oh, I loveClaire Put her in my pocket and
then we do this podcast.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
I'm like I like can't help it.
It was meant for me the therapyside.
So all of what we described issome level of discomfort.
So it's being able to, likeconfront the uncomfortable and
not knowing the outcome.
Perfectionists like to know theoutcome, Like if I plan for all
of this I have, are you bored?
Speaker 1 (32:06):
No, are you going to pass out?
Are you okay?
Do you do you want to task?
Could you just Google this realquick?
Just because I looked at myknee, you look like you're about
to fall on the floor and boardas hell.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Anyways, perfectionists have to come back
to reality, like settingrealistic expectations for
themselves and certainly otherpeople.
And then the hardest I think isadmitting you can't do it all,
like it doesn't get done today,it might not get done this year,
and then if you do those things, you get to stabilize your
(32:39):
self-worth.
Like that's when y'all tappedinto, like these people have to
be super insecure, like the, the, the criers on Instagram God, I
feel like kind of ugly sayingthat Cause, like send them love.
They're in pain, but maybestable at doing some work to
stabilize your self-worth.
What would it be like to notpost those things?
Can I find worthiness elsewhere?
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I think if you struggle with perfectionism one,
it might be hard to admit thatout loud, but if you can find
just one person, or if you havea therapist to talk to about it,
man, it's really helpful to belike, because what perfectionism
really is for me is me tryingto exercise control over things
I don't have control over manytimes.
Okay, guys, listen, we're gladyou tuned in.
(33:20):
We hope you get a mold ofWillie and a mold of beep.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
I call it a wang dang doodle mold.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Okay With the batteries, though.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
With the batteries, with the batteries.
Two things.
One just remember no one'sperfect at anything, yeah that's
right Like.
Tiger Woods is not perfect atgolf right.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
But where was?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Michael Jordan is not perfect at basketball no one's
perfect at anything and he's theMichael Jordan of basketball.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
You're right.
Even Michael Jordan said youknow how many shots I had in
this to make.
It Is that who set the schoolposter.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
I thought that was Einstein.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Thanks for tuning in in.
If you haven't reviewed us,please, after this episode, go
give us five stars maybe golisten to another one or two
actually if you yeah, we don'thave to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Alright, thanks for listening to Before you Cut
Bangs and we'll see you nexttime.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Before you Cut Bangs and we'll see you next time.
Before you Cut Bangs is hostedby Laura Quick and Claire
Fehrman and produced by WillLockamy.
Follow along with us everywhere.
Please subscribe to the podcast.
Find us on Instagram.
We're constantly doing polls.
We want to know what you think,and I know that you probably
(34:41):
know this, but reviewing us andgiving us five stars matters
more than anything, and we areso grateful to have you here.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all, unless you want toand it turns out well, then you
can trust us, that's great.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Okay.
So to start this episode, willand Laura, don't?
This just came to me and I'mgoing to just trust it.
Okay, so, will and Laura, don'tthis just came to me and I'm
going to just trust it.
Okay, I'm going to start a newsegment, at least for today.
Today, we're going to call itshow and tell, and I hope I can
come up with something moreclever.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
I like show and tell.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
No, show and tell is cool.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I'm going to second grade.
So last week we mentioned thatI got married and a couple weeks
ago some girls that I work withthrew like a little shower for
me, which is really sweet.
Don't make that face, only work.
People were invited.
I didn't even take Amanda, itwasn't a tier one thing I wonder
why you didn't get any panties.
This is why.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
I was invited, I was there.
Oh my God, I was the only male.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
But we needed an emcee to kind of be like now
let's do the dildo toss.
I will flip this table.
It didn't happen.
Speaker 3 (01:32):
I was not there.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
So I'm going to pass y'all a blind bag and these are
two items that I got.
It is not clothing, and I justwant you to give a little
commentary and people won't getto see these.
I don't even know if it can bepublicly viewed on Instagram, so
we'll see.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
Wait, so blind bag, like we're not supposed to look
in it.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Yeah, no.
I just have to reach in andgrab one.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
There's accidentally like a phone charger and stuff
in here, because I just grabbedthe first bag I saw.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Okay, so I don't need to just reach in and grab
something.
Yeah, okay, alright.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
So you can pull it out and look at it.
You have to.
Oh, I thought you just like.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I don't want you like opening the bag and, okay, oh
God, this was actually perfect.
Okay, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
So the box, it's a box, okay, oh sweet.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Okay, wow.
So what'd you get, laura?
So I got a clone of Willie, thein-home penis molding kit,
which is so helpful for your newmarriage.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
But that one's not really a piece of artwork.
You can put a battery in it.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
Oh so this is useful.
Oh so this is useful.
You clone it and then, ifBobby's out of town, you have a
perfectly made toy that alreadyfits.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
And I'd like to acknowledge that I'm the person
that in episode one was sayingsorry, and y'all can imagine
that I opened these in publicand then said that you were
sorry about opening it.
I think I played, I think I waspretty relaxed in public and
then I was like, oh my god, Ihave to hide these forever, okay
(03:12):
.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
Well, I mean, I think this is an innovative gift,
very innovative.
And how did how did bobby feelabout this?
Speaker 2 (03:20):
he thought it was hilarious, and I think that Is
he excited to participate,though Let you do it.
His first question, which isvalid, is like how do you get
the mold going?
And then we laughed again, soyou put.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
I feel like I know the answer to that.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
All right, okay, what'd you get?
Speaker 3 (03:39):
Yeah, so this one is a similar product, but for
Claire it's.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
I don't like it personalized.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Clone a lady part.
Clone a Claire, clone a ladypart and boy.
The instructions, the pictures.
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
I didn't care for it at all I don't like that.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
The instructions on mine also kind of seem like it's
like baking a cake until youget to the part.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I don't feel like it has to be warm, all right.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
Is this, though?
Like that?
One is a tool, yeah.
Is this like a piece of art?
It is Okay.
I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Wow, yeah, so you know, ifby wants to put on his
desk at work, like you know,whatever shelf at home near the
bedside table, miss her, youknow.
Take it with you on the road.
Sure, a trip like a blank, likea little like a little, oh yeah
, like a teddy bear, but youknow, you don't think?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
no, no one's doing that adventurous will this?
Speaker 3 (04:40):
is a white elephant gift here.
That is like a oh, this will beinteresting totally, this is a
joke kind of deal.
That is like a oh, this will beinteresting, totally, this is a
joke kind of deal.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Something I didn't mention is mine, the one I
picked, not mine, but it glowsin the dark, which is also
helpful in case it is reallydark and you need to find it
again.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
So what I really like about this is an art therapist
gave it to me and I felt likethat was like the perfect art
therapist gift.
Okay, well, thanks for comingto our first show and tell yeah,
and this one's hot pink, by theway that does.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
That sounds like something bobby would put on his
desk for sure can we?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
let's put this away here yeah, I'm gonna put it back
in the bag.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
It's hard to stare at make him will real
uncomfortable guys just that oneYours, I think is interesting.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
While I have come a long way, I still can't say
certain words.
So the clone, a blankety blank.
I don't know that I've eversaid that P word out loud before
.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
You haven't?
Oh, I probably have, but I'mpretty you know?
Speaker 3 (05:38):
Oh, I have, but not in like the conversation, like
this yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
Yeah, I don't't.
I mean, it's not like somethingI've said regularly.
There are certain words.
I will not say that, I justthink are the c word.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
I don't like that one .
I don't like it honestly, ohokay, okay.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Well, thanks for showing tell.
That was super exciting.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Uh, I am don't want to hear about how you use those
you don't want to hear howthey're made, like how the what
if something really funnyhappens?
You're going to make that I'mgoing to give it a whirl, you're
going to make yours.
I think I would crumble inembarrassment, but I think I
think Bobby's going to be fine.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Okay.
Okay, I think it's great Reportback.
Maybe I'll get one.
I don't know if I'll tellanybody, but it's great Report
back.
Maybe I'll get one.
I don't know if I'll tellanybody, but it's kind of like
my sister when she startedonline dating.
She just never told me untilshe went on her first terrible
date and had to call me and belike I'm locked in a bathroom.
Speaker 3 (06:31):
Well, I just ordered the wing ding doodle thing.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
You didn't.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
From Teemu From.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Teemu, the Teemu version, all right y'all.
Well, speaking of phallic items, I'm just kidding.
Today we're talking aboutperfectionism and how it's
really easy to achieve andeverybody's doing it, and
there's filters for anything.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
It's so frustrating, Like watching social media and
seeing people the way theyportray themselves and stuff.
It's really frustrating.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Say more yeah, the way they portray themselves and
stuff.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Uh-huh, it's really frustrating.
Say more yeah.
Well, I don't know.
I have this theory that themore you portray your life to be
perfect on social media, themore.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
I bet there's some issues there.
Hmm, you've told me that before, yeah it's true.
Do you have like a specificexample, not of the person, but
like of?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
something you see regularly, that you're like I
bet there's some shit going downthere well, yeah, but without.
Speaker 3 (07:27):
I feel like I'm just gonna call people out.
Okay, that would find out aboutit okay, why what?
Do you mean why?
Let them people listen to well,because then flora just kidding
.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Just what's wrong with me?
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I'm not kidding all right, we all know people that
we know they have issues withtheir spouse or with their
children or with their jobs orwhatever, yet constantly just
post the most perfect thingabout their spouse and their
child and work.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
Okay, but let's swing the other way.
I feel like this episode onperfection is going to be so
honed in on social media, whichis fine.
It's a massive part of ourculture.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
The opposite side for me, and I've messaged you about
this the criers on social mediawait, did I text you, did I
send you the one that came uptoday, where there's a girl
literally throwing herselfagainst the wall, screaming,
crying, throwing up, basically,who then was like there's then a
woman, comes on and she's likethe fact that you had to set up
(08:28):
a damn tripod to capture thiswell, like you literally
orchestrated your own tantrum tolike set up a and listen, I
understand.
obviously we just did an episodeon emotion, like we want you to
have emotions.
It's not a bad thing.
It's also not a bad thing totalk about your emotions so
people know they're not alone.
(08:48):
The all where y'all sendingy'all's audition tape.
So, like, what are we doing?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Are we auditioning for movie parts, like I think
the movement came from peoplecalling out perfectionism.
Right, they're like we're alljust showing these perfect sides
, like.
I think some are kind of funny,like instagram versus reality
and it shows like a beautifulliving room and then it like
pans through the kitchen andit's like a total disaster, like
yes, totally fine.
Like that's instagram versusreality, and then it swung like
(09:19):
a little too far into the likeset up a tripod screaming,
crying crying, throwing up.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
my husband just left me like literally, and then it's
like her screaming and cryingand throwing herself on the
floor.
But the girl that came on andwas like, help me understand
where you're sending thisaudition tape to, and how long
did it take you to set up thetripod to capture this angle
perfectly, when you're throwingyourself against the wall, like
I'm not Obviously even that,like the intentionality of what
(09:51):
it takes to either make yourlife look so perfect or to go so
far out of your way to show,like, how distraught you are.
Both of those feel real, real,wild to me.
But what about justperfectionism?
What?
What are what?
What's somebody going throughif they feel like they have to
pretend like their life isperfect?
Speaker 2 (10:09):
I told you I'm not speaking on this podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Oh yeah, that's right , you did say that.
Claire feels like she's beentoo much of a therapist lately
and not funny enough.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Yeah, here comes this bitch with another diagnostic
code.
Speaker 3 (10:23):
Are they trying to convince themselves?
Are they trying to convincepeople around them?
Are they trying to make?
Speaker 1 (10:30):
up for the fact I can only speak for myself.
When I feel myself moving intoperfectionism, it is normally
because I'm trying to convincemyself everything's going to be
okay, like a play pretend.
Yeah, like you make it exactlywhich was a lot of my life like
fake it till you make it.
Pretend you're a good mom.
You're not, pretend you're aperfect wife.
(10:51):
You're not pretend you're theperfect leader, you're not like.
I do think that and I I tried.
It's so funny.
I did that roast thing whereyou like go on ai and like send
a screenshot of your instagramfeed and it was like okay,
hallmark, like back down thesunset photos and quotes and I
was like shit, I don't know.
This is a thing oh, it is athing you take a screenshot of
(11:13):
your, of your instagram feed andthen you upload it to ai to
chat gpt and say roast in oneparagraph, roast.
My instagram feed and mine waslike all right, hallmark, we get
it like you like philosophicalquotes and long walks on the
beach, but really dial it back.
How about like a candid photoevery now and then?
And I was like shit.
I felt kind of convicted.
(11:35):
I was like damn, guys, and I, Iget.
I don't want to just talk aboutmyself, but I will say I try my
best to be real and I try topost things that are like things
I'm on the other side of.
So it's not like I'm like, hey,look at my perfect life, but I
am kind of like, hey, here's areally pretty picture and also
(11:56):
here's a story that goes with it.
That probably is hard.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
I will answer the question, of course you will.
To me, teemu We've been talkinga lot about Teemu outside here.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Actually, will educated us that they are now
shipping things from California.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Guys not just China, and we are thrilled to hear that
news, because I won't orderfrom them for many reasons, and
that's one of them.
So now I might be ordering apatio set right here from the US
of A.
I think a part of this.
(12:34):
Let me show you what I have ordon't have on social media is in
attempt of connection.
Connect to me so I feel liked.
Connect to me so I feel secure.
Connect to me so I feel loved.
And I don't know that that hasto be a conscious thought.
There's this like drive of likeI got to put this thing out
there and see what I get back.
It's like I'm trying to give soI can receive, but we're
missing the mark a little bitbecause that's not authentic
(12:56):
disclosure.
That's something you woulddisclose to a tier one, friend,
a therapist, your husband, yourwife, your whoever not like
possibly millions of people.
That's not mindful disclosing.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Well, but we're talking about perfectionist.
Perfectionism as it relates tolike if you're presenting
yourself, and it doesn't matterif you're doing this on social
media or if you're doing this atwork, if you're doing this in
your personal life, like thereis nothing more annoying to me
than a friend who always showsup and has their shit together
like I hate that.
(13:29):
I'm psyched.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Are they really perfect, though?
Well, no, but, Like I mean,maybe they're really perfect.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
Maybe they are, I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
I don't have any of those friends.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I've weeded them all out.
I'm like I would like for you,if we are going to be real
friends tier one or tier two,I'd like to know you have a
really good day.
So I'd like to know thatsometimes you feel like shit,
like I think that I valuesomeone who gets to show up in
the messy middle and I want toconnect with them more.
(13:58):
I find more connection insomeone who's a little more
often authentic about and I knowyou hate that word authenticity
, but I do and I think that.
So like, when I see it happen,you know I'm.
It's impossible for me topretend I'm perfect at work,
because I'm so far from perfectat work, but I do see people
struggle with it and it'spainful to watch.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Nobody's perfect at anything.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
You just said, maybe they are perfect.
Well, I was just joking,because you said they show up
and everything's like together.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Nobody's perfect at anything.
So like when you were earliersaying, like you know, I'm not
perfect at my job.
Like no one is, I'm not perfectat this being a wife, but then
you also said I'm not a goodmother.
That's not true.
Oh, I meant like you said theword good there and I was like
sorry, we need to go back onthat, thanks will I appreciate
that I try to be a good mom.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
I I'm saying like I'm definitely.
That has not been something Iever struggled, pretending I was
perfect dad, because it was somessy.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
There's something soothing to me about those
people that like not a hair isout of place and like their
clothes are ironed Perfectly,perfectly and I Fresh from the
dry cleaner.
Yeah, crispy I'm.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Fresh from the dry cleaner.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Yeah, crispy, I'm like man, I bet you don't have a
junk drawer, and so there'slike there's actually an
alluring piece to me about theperfect people.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Well put together.
People are different thanperfect people, though.
Okay Okay, and like I would say, you said I bet they don't have
a junk drawer.
I'm always like I bet their caris so fucking clean.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Yes, oh my god and like their makeup's, all tidy
they vacuum their car like twicea week again.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
Some of the people that I know that their car is
perfect, have the best wardrobeand the most clean car and the
all that stuff have the mostissues in their lives.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
You know that's soothing because my car is foul
right now, so and I feel reallyloving and nice and some other
positive traits.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Remember that time I wore that hat, claire could not
keep her shit together.
It's on the laugh track youbitch.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
To be fair, I couldn't keep my shit together
remembering that I was going tosay I.
I think we both just kind oflooked at it that day, and it
wasn't until you brought it backup a couple weeks later because
when you came in in the hat, itwas a cry for help, you know it
was like she's in a space rightnow.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
We're gonna let her be there first of all, it was a
cry for my weave, you bitches.
And second of all, I don'tstart laughing right now.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
I'm really not going to have a fit, it just feels
good.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I'm feeling it.
Obviously, that was not a cryfor perfection.
Okay, when do you go intoperfection?
When, when do you struggle?
Speaker 2 (16:47):
That's brings us right back, as usual, to the
Enneagram.
It's not bad and I'll tell youwhy.
So if you're familiar with theEnneagram, every number has your
like, your type, and then youhave a place you go in stress
and a place that you go ingrowth.
So when I am in growth, like areally balanced state, feeling
(17:07):
good, I go to type one, which isthe perfectionist.
So when I'm like orderly andstructured and like striving for
good stuff, I am in myperfectionistic place and it
visually looks that way.
When it doesn't, when I'm likeanxious, stressed or whatever,
and I'm mentally aiming forperfection, like I have to get
(17:30):
all of this shit done yesterdayand it has to be right, that's
when it shows up for me.
I'm very rarely like I have tolook a perfect way or appear to
other people in a perfect way,as we can tell by how I talk on
this podcast, like I'm notwinning any public speaking
awards or getting any specialprize for not having a trash
(17:52):
mouth.
So that's how mine looks like.
It's not that exciting.
I actually or you say you go toone and if I'm in growth, Okay,
and where do you go If you're,I'm a two.
If I'm in stress, which meansI'm like giving up everything to
everybody else, I'm last on thelist.
So a two is the giver.
Codependency people pleasing.
(18:13):
When I am stressed, that iswhen I'm people pleasing.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Because I go to six and nine, right, but I go to
nine when I'm unhealthy.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Right, I can tell you .
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yeah, I can't remember.
I think, where do you go whenyou're trying to be perfect?
Wait, let, let me guess, youfucking never try to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
I just work out sometimes running too much and
like yeah, bring it on, keepgoing.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
What are we?
What are we doing?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
we brought you here today to say we've had enough,
we are over it this is anintervention.
Speaker 1 (18:51):
This is an intervention, and we are tired
of your perfectionistictendencies.
I'm just kidding where do yougo?
What, what's your thing?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
oh, that's a good question, because I mean, I try
to be really likeself-deprecating again, right?
So even with all my like socialmedia posts, you'll see, even
if I'm like, oh, that's a cool,whatever, the comment is going
to be something silly about meor like that time I rode a bike.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
We finally cracked you.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Mr Self-deprecation.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
That's like my form of humor.
All right, so ChatGPT says yourInstagram is a fun mix, but it
screams.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
Wait, we're going to Instagram.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
It's kind of answering your question about it
says that my Instagram is a funmix, but it screams I'm trying
to keep up with the cool kids.
Here's the thing.
I don't know that I trust this,though.
I don't think that's true,because the first thing it says
is the fitness flex, the on myinstagram, but it knows you do.
(19:55):
It'd pump that iron it doesn't,but really there's no, there's
nothing you got any like tanktops on in any pictures?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
hey, it's, it crawls, the internet, it crawls.
It crawls your grid, eventhough you're, you're sending it
a photo, a screenshot.
Speaker 3 (20:10):
It's never take that out, or or else uh, yeah, but
here's the thing Shut up, youcan look on all of my Instagram,
all whatever.
I don't have a million pictures, but there's no picture of me
at a gym or like working out.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Okay, your Instagram grid looks like it's trying to
be everything at once Asentimental scrapbook, a fashion
catalog and a motivationalposter collection.
You've got enough quotes tostart your own Hallmark card
line.
Sprinkle between photos thatscream I'm just effortlessly
fabulous.
The selfies are on point, butthat one sunset picture is
really carrying the weight ofyour deep, introspective side,
(20:46):
isn't it?
And let's not overlook therandom crowd shots.
Are those to remind us you doin fact have a social life After
all?
Or overall?
It's like you're trying to tella cohesive story, but the plot
keeps getting interrupted by aneed to show off your latest
cute outfit.
This motherfucker, that'sfucking mean.
(21:08):
I know it is mean, but I waskind of like, is it true, Is it?
I don't know.
I try not to do what it says,but obviously it says I'm doing
it.
I wonder how many do ourlisteners hate my instagram feed
?
Do you think I'm just being abig poser if you do write in?
Speaker 2 (21:27):
I'm just kidding or you can to me and I'll filter
through them all right, clearchat.
Speaker 3 (21:34):
gpt says it's like you're trying to remind us all
that you've got it all figuredout and maybe, just maybe,
making us a little jealous inthe process.
Keep up the good work, supermom.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Okay, it just goes to show.
This is why it's dangerous totalk about perfectionism on
social media, because maybewe're all freaking, doing it to
some degree.
Speaker 3 (21:56):
So I'll say this when you actually do this, what it
does is it breaks down like bigthings and it's all like really
nice stuff, Like oh, you know,you have to ask it to roast you
in a paragraph I did in aparagraph.
It does at the end, and then atthe end it gives you a
paragraph that roasts you.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Oh, mine didn't do that.
Mine just gave me like sixthings about like your dogs and
your kids and your adventurousspirit and all this stuff, and
then at the end, yeah, sorry toruin the fun, then at the end
gives a funny roasting.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
I'm gonna be honest, my child, gpj, hates me.
That shit just roasted the hellout of me.
So what's interesting aboutthat?
Like trying to make peoplejealous or, super mom, I swing
so far away from over disclosingon instagram that I probably do
just post kind of like benign,pleasant things with one
sentence or less as your caption.
Yeah, like not to be look howperfect it is, but to more be
(22:48):
like I save my private stuff forprivate Meanwhile I've got a
full on diary going To be fair.
your job asks for that, minedoesn't.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, thank god, you would.
You would hate it.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
I couldn't.
A lot of therapists are doingthat and that's how they're
marketing themselves and I, likephysically, can't oh, but I
love.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
I love in-person claire vulnerability best.
See, it's my favorite, my veryfavorite.
How do you feel about yourroast?
You're saying it's fake.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
So ours are.
Ours are real and yours is fake.
Yours is fake.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:25):
I'm a 43-year-old dude that Loves bikes and drums
and hosts shows Says trying tokeep up with the cool kids.
Yeah, that's accurate.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
You are a cool kid though.
Speaker 3 (23:34):
Yeah, that's true, it screams.
I'm trying to keep up with thecool kids while juggling
different parts of my life.
Keep it up, but don't be afraidto commit to one vibe.
You're already doing all theright things for the gram.
I'm shocked.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
I didn't get that Okay, so let's talk to the
people that are struggling withperfection, God.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
am I the only one that?
Speaker 1 (23:55):
took proper medication and vitamins today.
Yes, I did not take anymedication I'm so sorry or
vitamins.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
Well, I'm worked out vitamin and caffeinated.
So what you had asked is wheredo you go in stress as a type
three?
So a little reminder Laura is athree on the Enneagram, so she
is an achiever striving forsuccess.
We love them.
They get shit done.
When you are stressed, you gointo nine.
That's the peacemakerretreating into, like avoiding
Well unproductive busy work.
When you are stressed, you gointo nine.
(24:19):
That's the peacemakerretreating into like avoiding
Well unproductive busy work.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
So you think you're being productive, but there's no
follow through where I actuallygo in stresses but I call my
three favorite people and repeatstories on repeat.
It's very unproductive.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
unproductive you lose energy and motivation.
But when you're secure, you gointo a type six, desiring to be
with like loved ones and connectwhich.
The type six is the loyalist.
I love a loyalist, I married aloyalist.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
I think that feels true to me.
Cool Yep, hey, how about whatif you are a person and you are
struggling with perfectionism?
Like, what do we want to say tothose people?
Because, hey, by the way, stopdoing it.
Don't do it.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Yeah, obviously Excuse them I know, you know,
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Actually, I think y'all are right and I'll tell
you why in a sec.
Okay, First, can we defineperfectionism outside of social
media?
Because we've really onlyfocused on that.
Like what it might look likefor someone like at work.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Yeah, I deal with a lot of work personalities.
How could that impact youprofessionally?
Um, I mean, I think, the waythat I see it, one when I see
perfectionism showing up in atwork, whether with my clients,
because I work with a ton ofleaders and most of the time
leaders really want to get itright.
So this idea of perfectionismtypically is coming from a place
of like wanting to do a reallygood job, like and it is a
(25:43):
perception idea of like I don'twant anybody to think I'm
messing everything up right.
So I have a ton of compassionwhen I see somebody who's really
struggling and showing up inperfectionism because I know
it's normally not always, but Iwould say in my 17 years of
leading people it has been athing that I feel like is coming
(26:06):
from a place where they're likeI just want to get this right,
and so you know that's myobservation of it.
When I see it, and I thinkthere's an unhealthy side to
that Somebody who genuinely isalways saying and thinking that
they have the right answers thatis normally coming from a
deeply insecure place likedeeply insecure.
(26:27):
You want people to think you'rekilling it, and what ends up
happening?
Because you're always tellingpeople you're killing.
It is that it kind of lookslike you're not or you might not
be at all okay, so you'resaying this could come from like
a positive, motivated place oflike.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
I really just want to get this right.
The first time yes, um, if itpushes beyond that, it can be.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
I'm insecure, so please see me as valuable in my
perfectionism yes, I totally Ithink that's helpful a lot of
times too, and this is just likepeople who lead people.
If you got somebody showing uptrying to be perfect all the
time, a lot of times wherethat's coming from is they don't
have clear expectations.
Speaker 3 (27:05):
Because you love an expectation, god, I love an
expectation, great expectations,a good book, and also something
you should do as a leader givepeople expectations so that they
can hit them and I do thinkthere are like two different
kind of things we're talkingabout One which is perception of
perfection, and one is actualperfectionism, right when people
are like actually striving tobe perfect.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
Yeah, and that one is the one that I feel the most
compassion over.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
Oh, that's a serious thing, yeah, where it can lead
to major depression and stufflike that.
Speaker 2 (27:35):
Anxiety, yes, Look at you, Mr Clinical Hat today he.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Googled that shit.
That was really good Chat GPT,I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
He's actually just reading things from chat GPT
right now.
That's the whole thing.
And Timu he's sending us linksto things we can order that come
from California.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I love what y'all just hit on and I love that it
wasn't me saying it, You'rewelcome, aren't y'all?
Refreshed listeners that itwasn't me blabbing no, we're not
.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
We love you're the actual fucking professional on
the this call.
Yeah, whatever, this is myjob's done here okay, we all did
great.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
I love that.
So the motivation is different.
One can lead into like maybesome mental health issues, and
then one is like this drive tolike feel good and okay I think
it could probably lead to mentalhealth issues as well, like
trying to be perfect on alsoexhaustion, like even if it
doesn't lead to depression oranxiety which I can't imagine
how it wouldn't at least lead toanxiety.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
But I will tell you I I feel so.
I want to just hug them and belike come here, sit in my lap
and let me tell you all thereasons why it's okay.
You know, when I first startedgoodGrip, one of the things that
I did is like I encouragepeople to fail and report how
they're failing once a week andand like actually celebrate it.
Like guys, we started a company, of course we're going to mess
(28:49):
things up.
Like how will we grow if wedon't?
Please don't pretendeverything's going perfectly,
because I know it's not, becauseI'm not doing it perfectly
either, and I think that gavepeople a lot of freedom in the
beginning of the company, andit's something that I still talk
about now.
Like I want us to feel like wecan talk about the things we
messed up, because if we don't,we can't get better.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Well, what we've accidentally and beautifully
defined are socially prescribedperfectionists.
So that means like you're superinternally self-critical, so
you out there see me as thesethings.
Then the one we have miss isother oriented meaning like I
expect you to be perfect wehaven't even touched on that.
(29:28):
Like you be perfect, so I feelgood.
So that's a highly critical,highly judgmental person.
That that's like they'redestroying their relationships.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
I feel I know people like you know them.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
And then you know what?
Speaker 1 (29:44):
I always fail at being perfect, so I really miss
those people For sure.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
So and then the last one where we felt like a little
bit more like fluffy andpositive or the self oriented
perfectionist.
So those might be ones on theEnneagram.
They're really organized,that's who has the clean card,
that's who has the put togetheroutfits, and they just have high
standards and like highachievements.
So like you might have a touchof that in a good way, being a
(30:10):
three is like it's not about thehair and the hat.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
It's very compartmentalized, if we're
going to be honest about it,because that car be messy, we
definitely have some junkdrawers, but I do love to come
in a crisp outfit with good hair, so that last type, the
self-oriented, is the mostflexible and adaptable.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
So that's like, if you have a taste of
perfectionism and you're awareof it and it's more in this
achieving sense, you're moreflexible because you're not as
critical of others, well I andyou're not hating yourself and
by the way, I know I strugglewith it.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
I know that I struggle with perfectionism,
like it is something, and it'svery compartmentalized, it
doesn't show up everywhere, butwhen I feel myself doing it, it
is when I am the least likableversion of myself to myself.
Speaker 2 (30:57):
So y'all ready for my tips and tricks.
I love the tip and trick.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
Please give it to us.
The person who wasn't going totalk on this podcast or give any
clinical advice.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
Yes, go, you know, recently this has nothing to do
with what I'm about to say, butI was like am I supposed to be a
therapist?
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Is it what was meant for me, when I really believe
I'm supposed to be a goat farmermaking cheese, and so my god,
literally the first meeting me,and claire ever said I was like
you know, because what elsewould I ask on a first friend
day?
Where do you see yourself?
In five years and I'm likechurning dairy like 20 years and
you're like I see myself livingon a dairy farm making goat
(31:36):
cheese and I will go and candles.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
And I maintain that truth.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Literally I don't know if we're gonna be friends.
But then I was like, oh, I loveClaire Put her in my pocket and
then we do this podcast.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
I'm like I like can't help it.
It was meant for me the therapyside.
So all of what we described issome level of discomfort.
So it's being able to, likeconfront the uncomfortable and
not knowing the outcome.
Perfectionists like to know theoutcome, Like if I plan for all
of this I have, are you bored?
Speaker 1 (32:06):
No, are you going to pass out?
Are you okay?
Do you do you want to task?
Could you just Google this realquick?
Just because I looked at myknee, you look like you're about
to fall on the floor and boardas hell.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Anyways, perfectionists have to come back
to reality, like settingrealistic expectations for
themselves and certainly otherpeople.
And then the hardest I think isadmitting you can't do it all,
like it doesn't get done today,it might not get done this year,
and then if you do those things, you get to stabilize your
(32:39):
self-worth.
Like that's when y'all tappedinto, like these people have to
be super insecure, like the, the, the criers on Instagram God, I
feel like kind of ugly sayingthat Cause, like send them love.
They're in pain, but maybestable at doing some work to
stabilize your self-worth.
What would it be like to notpost those things?
Can I find worthiness elsewhere?
Speaker 1 (32:58):
I think if you struggle with perfectionism one,
it might be hard to admit thatout loud, but if you can find
just one person, or if you havea therapist to talk to about it,
man, it's really helpful to belike, because what perfectionism
really is for me is me tryingto exercise control over things
I don't have control over manytimes.
Okay, guys, listen, we're gladyou tuned in.
(33:20):
We hope you get a mold ofWillie and a mold of beep.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
I call it a wang dang doodle mold.
Speaker 1 (33:26):
Okay With the batteries, though.
Speaker 3 (33:29):
With the batteries, with the batteries.
Two things.
One just remember no one'sperfect at anything, yeah that's
right Like.
Tiger Woods is not perfect atgolf right.
Speaker 2 (33:40):
But where was?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Michael Jordan is not perfect at basketball no one's
perfect at anything and he's theMichael Jordan of basketball.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
You're right.
Even Michael Jordan said youknow how many shots I had in
this to make.
It Is that who set the schoolposter.
Speaker 3 (33:54):
I thought that was Einstein.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Thanks for tuning in in.
If you haven't reviewed us,please, after this episode, go
give us five stars maybe golisten to another one or two
actually if you yeah, we don'thave to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Alright, thanks for listening to Before you Cut
Bangs and we'll see you nexttime.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
Before you Cut Bangs and we'll see you next time.
Before you Cut Bangs is hostedby Laura Quick and Claire
Fehrman and produced by WillLockamy.
Follow along with us everywhere.
Please subscribe to the podcast.
Find us on Instagram.
We're constantly doing polls.
We want to know what you think,and I know that you probably
(34:41):
know this, but reviewing us andgiving us five stars matters
more than anything, and we areso grateful to have you here.
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