April 25, 2025 • 43 mins
Laura got a frantic call to grab someone’s kids... and couldn’t remember their name. Yep. That actually happened. In this episode, we’re talking about those awkward friendship moments when you realize you’re not on the same page about how close you really are. We’ll refresh you on our now-famous friendship tiers, play a revealing game of “Tier or Near,” and offer tips for recalibrating relationships without ghosting anyone. Spoiler: it’s not about ditching people, it’s about clarity. Let’s talk adult friendship drama.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all.
Unless you want to and it turnsout well, then you can trust us
.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Unrelated to our topic today, for our warm-up
mixer one or two things thatjust gross you out.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Body hair.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
On the body.
Like hairy men.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Hairy.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Women Anybody.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Body hair.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
So you're probably really struggling with this
movement of like a lot going onfor everybody.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Yeah, I ignore it altogether.
Oh Well, we ignore italtogether?
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Oh Well, we would expect nothing less.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Like you can hold down and hide, and that is the
most on-trend thing you havesaid.
Yeah, like I can hold down,like not interested in that
video.
Okay, so the algorithm knows Iwant no part.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
So body hair, not for you Anything else.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Yeah, I mean like bathroom stuff that's not my
children or whatever yeah but Imean that's normal we've heard
about that.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
It's not normal.
You are actually.
I feel like you really strugglewith it more than most mostly
from.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I'll say this yeah, from a privacy standpoint, sure,
but also then from like a humorstandpoint.
I don't like it.
I feel like it's like thelowest low.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
It makes us think you've never shit your pants,
and that is not fair.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You totally never know if I had, you're right.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
That's right.
Did you like freshen up withmen's deodorant before we got
here?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Well, I came home from the gym and didn't shower,
so I definitely put on deodorant.
Smells good, oh, thanks.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
You're welcome, I can smell you, that's it, it's just
deodorant, things that gross meout.
I'm talking gag.
Yeah, dog vomit.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Like washing my dog, like and then vomit and me going
I'm going to have to clean thatup.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I have to feel that under the paper towel, oh I,
that under the paper towel, oh Icover it with like recycled
grocery bags and like I can't.
And the whole time I'm like,yeah, that's really bad for me.
Um, watching someone vomit, nogo sure any, just really anyone
vomiting um and trash, liketrash that you've already put in
the trash can.
For instance, like when we'reat the lake, we have to take the
(02:43):
trash like a mile you know thatyou've already put in the trash
can.
For instance, like when we'reat the lake, we have to take the
trash like a mile.
You know because, you've done itand one time Shane was like
trying to He-Man the trashtoward the dumpster but it was
so heavy and full of stuff thatit hit the side and exploded
everywhere.
And just the disgustingness ofpicking up that trash.
(03:03):
So the double trash gets youDouble trash.
I hate it.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Yeah, I'll say.
The last time I was at the lakenear y'all's place with my
next-door neighbor here herfamily has a place up there and
I was doing the dishes and thegarbage disposal if you go by
the brand name had this coollittle mesh, whatever and I went
to empty it.
But if you release it, whateverpart of it, a little part fell
(03:31):
in the garbage can.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
A very full garbage.
Can I'm like time to get a newone?
Fuck it.
That's what's wrong with me.
She's actually gagging.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Here's the thing.
So I had to spend $40.
I didn't have to.
They were like leave it, don'tworry, we'll buy another one.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I was like no you won't Not on my watch my first
time at your lake house?
Speaker 3 (03:47):
no, absolutely not.
I'm going to find it.
So I had to pick through everybit of that weekend worth of
garbage.
Little kids there, everything.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
You're such a good person.
Okay, what about yours?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Immediate gag if I see somebody spit like,
especially if they do the wholeoh, oh oh, oh I don't want to
see it on the ground.
I don't want to see it come outof your mouth.
I don't even if my kids like ifthey blow a spit bubble.
I'm like you have to leave thewhole house.
I cannot stand it.
I've never been able to standit.
(04:23):
Immediate gag.
I gag all the time I'm an easygagger.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
We did, we watched you almost throw up.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Dog vomit, no problem .
Speaker 1 (04:31):
What, oh, it's so nasty Something about in a sink,
or I can't even say it.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
My mouth starts watering in a bad way Like loose
hair, like if I get somebodyelse.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Oh, she's gagging.
Do you gag when other peoplegag?
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yes, sometimes I've seen videos of people that
that's a funny thing.
Pitch perfect.
When that girl just startedlike projectile, I was like I'm
out, I can't even watch thismovie.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, just anybody's hair.
I don't want to see your hairin your shower.
If I'm a guest, get out.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
It is the most disgusting thing to see hair in
a shower.
I will switch hotel roomsimmediately.
All right, what are we talkingabout today?
I kind of liked this Also.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I have to say really quick how did the retreat go?
You guys had a bunch oflisteners hang out with you for
a weekend, which is crazy town.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
But I'm very interested.
I mean only one snuck into ourroom and got in between us but
outside of that shared a bed.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
That's the biggest news of the whole deal bestie,
we took it, we were a bestiepass.
Okay, listen.
No, my favorite part of theretreat is that clear circled
everybody up before we weregoing to do our first session
and you know we did like alittle thing and she was like
guys, this is so cool, I'm soglad you guys came.
I would never do this, I wouldnever go to a straight.
(05:54):
I was like what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
you're not building.
I wouldn't sign up forsomething like that.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
I like to be the leader and you were a great
leader that's why I was socurious, because I would never
sign up for something like that.
But I know it sells out andpeople do sign up for these
things.
I've witnessed one of them.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
We had 20 women come and it was so great.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
It was really fun and special.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
So what's the topic?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
We're talking about.
The title is oh shit, I thoughtyou were a tier one.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
We're doing part two of friendship episode, which is
the most popular episode we'veever done of all time.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I think we probably referenced it the most too.
Yes, so now would be a greattime If you don't know what
we're talking about to revisitthat episode.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yes, if you haven't listened to our friendship or
friendship breakup episode, wetalk a ton about tier ones.
But this one kind of came upbecause I've had several friends
right now just going through are-establishing like, damn, I
got this wrong.
Either you got it wrong likeyou thought somebody was a tier
(07:00):
one, tier two, tier three friendand you had them kind of in
your circle right, everybodyelse would be like an
acquaintance or they got itwrong.
They really were thinking youwere holding a different weight
in your life or in their life.
And then all of a sudden athing happens and they're like
wait, wait, but you didn't cometo this thing, or you didn't do
(07:22):
this thing for me, and so that'skind of the theme.
But it's not about cuttingpeople off.
This is just kind of like okay,if we figure out like this
person isn't in the position Ithought they were, or maybe they
figure out you're not in theposition they thought you were,
how do we keep them in our lifebut just reestablish where they
(07:45):
belong in our own brain andheart?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
I almost feel like this is for our younger audience
.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's hilarious because all the people that I'm
talking about are literally intheir 30s or 40s.
That's walking.
This is for women, Will.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Okay, Welcome to the show.
That's why I'm here to ask thequestions.
I'm here to ask the questions.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I'm just kidding.
I think this could happen to adude.
I don't know any dudes thatit's happened to.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I'm sure it can.
My funny story about this isthat when I was, you know,
around 20 or something, I wasdating a girl that was a little
bit on and off at times andduring one quick off period she
started dating this guy that Iwas friends with.
For sure, he was definitelyfriends with my friends.
No, we'd only for a year or two, so, but at that time I'm, I'm
(08:33):
out there, I'm like you know allthese new people and whatever,
and they he started dating herduring like one of like a week
we've been broken up orsomething and I was like, hey
man, I was like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Just like it doesn't seem cool, you said something to
him.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Yeah, which does feel crazy Wow.
I was like we're friends.
He's like oh no, no, no, dude,we're not friends.
No, no, no.
He's like we're not friends.
He's like, no, you've been tomy place.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
He said we're not friends.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
He gaslit you on top of stealing your girlfriend, but
he so quickly threw it downthat all I could do was like oh,
oh, well, in that case I guessthat makes sense then.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
And then you started making a list of all the shit
you were going to do to him.
You're like, now that I knowwe're not friends, I'm just
kidding.
And now, of course, course,I've like but me in my 20s, I
would have been like I'm gettingthe shovel, don't worry, I've
got trash bags in my trunk,let's go tons of like business
things with him over the yearsand whatever and so like.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
but I just knew then like, oh, he's just kind of got
like so much the point that whenLila grew out of her baby stuff
and he and his wife were havingtheir first child, I gave him
all of my baby stuff from Lilaas not friends.
Yeah, that's right.
Of course I thought he was kindof full of it, Like I mean, we
were friends, which is why wecontinued.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
He just wanted to go on a couple dates, but it was
funny.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
It was definitely like a tap-down moment, Like
okay, I got it.
I got it and then I did kind ofthink from that point on like,
oh, who are actually my?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I guess there is a difference in just people you
kind of hang out with and peoplethat are your friends that you
would expect to not help thepeople know what is the tier one
, tier two, tier three, versuslike somebody that just would be
like on the outside of thecircle.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Okay for us.
I think we decided tier one.
For all of us is pretty small.
You can have healthyconfrontation if needed.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
They tell you the hard stuff.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
They tell you hard stuff.
You can say no to them.
Nobody's offended.
They can say no to you Prettyeasy Friendship.
It's a sit in silence if you'rein a long car ride, if you need
to.
There's no awkwardness, it'sjust extreme comfort.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
I always think I can define it by the car ride.
Yes, who will I ride in a carwith to the beach?
Pretty small or especiallylet's say to the mountains or
something like that, like a10-hour car ride that is 100%
tier one that is maybe onlyfamily, and I even think about
murdering them.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
I could do that with a best friend, for sure, like a
tier one.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Tier two close enough to tier one.
Maybe not the car ride close,but definitely Actually, let me
say this Tier one you don't evenhave to see that often they
could even live in a differentplace, but you feel close.
Tier two I think of more aspeople you see regularly.
Regularly they might be able topick up your kid for you.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Tier one all have the list of, like what to do
immediately when I die.
And tier two are definitelygoing to be at the funeral and
they're in my morning crew.
Sure, they're mourning for me,obviously wailing the wailing
ladies, but they're not.
They don't know where that listis and they don't have access
to my.
(11:49):
They don't know my the, the codeon my phone to like sure, and
you might not be calling them inan emergency right but you love
them love them and and andbelieve they have wise counsel,
like they're in that that groupof people because, like I care
what they think, I may seekadvice from them.
I may.
I like the way they live.
They're in that tier and Istill like the way they live.
(12:11):
I don't necessarily want tolive like them and I don't even
know that that's true for mytier one.
I got lots of people I wouldn'tnecessarily want to be like oh,
I'm going to do what you do andlive your life, but yeah, tier
two what about tier three?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Didn't we say tier three is like people you want to
be closer with or like that arejust kind of peripherally
around, yeah, like you wouldknow their names.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Oh no, I think that you're going to acquaintance.
I would say.
Tier three is still like.
You may hang out with them.
They may be like In your bookclub, yes, but they could also
be your best friend's friendfrom way back.
You know what I mean, whereyou're just like, we're close
and we know a lot of the samethings, but we don't like.
You definitely are not comingto like my close friend.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Ornament swap, right cookie swap never, never book
club and none of these are bad.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
None of these are bad by the way no one, two and
three, all excellent, justdifferent closeness levels I
think I remember is, you guyshad it as like one, two and
three and I had it like onethrough 15, like I had what you
just described as tier 15 yes, Ithink, yeah, oh, yeah you.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
I feel like you're like tier one dabbling two and
then it's like way out there,little intricacies throughout
the rest.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So, for instance, in my 20s my job required me to be
quite the extrovert, like that'swhat I did for a living.
I've made friendsprofessionally.
I was in a referral-basedbusiness and I really love
people, so it's like super easyfor me to like.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
For a laundromat.
I think that's important totalk about.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I love that it was a dry cleaner, whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
And that's rude.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Soaps and suds.
First of all, laundromat soundstrailer park bitch and I had
been at least several yearsremoved from the trailer.
Okay, anyways, in my drycleaning era and I definitely
think there were people thatbelieved I was a tier one in
(14:12):
their life and I wouldn't alwaysknow their names, but they were
like, okay well no, I'magreeing with you 100% okay, I
thought you were judging me, andwhat I mean by that is like I
do when I'm with you.
I really am all with you and Ilove to hear your stories and I
(14:33):
want you to tell me and I, whenI'm there and I'll normally
check out.
Now I've got boundaries and Ican say like, hey, I don't
actually have the capacity orthe time to do this.
But back then I had noboundaries, I listened to
everything, anything.
Sit down with me, tell me yourlife story, let me trauma dump
on you, and then you believewe're so close and connected
because you told me a scarychildhood story and I told you
one that made you want to justhug me for three hours and hold
(14:56):
me like a child.
So I would have all thesepeople thinking that I was their
tier one and I didn't knowtheir full name.
Okay, so it was you oversharing100, and then they're like wow,
she really disclosed a lotsometimes they would overshare
and then I would over share backbut you don't trump it like I'd
(15:18):
be like hold my beer.
Let me tell you a crazier storythan that okay, so my eyes were
wrong.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I was disagreeing with you.
I was thinking it was the otherway around.
But I mean definitely tons ofsituations where people think
yeah, well tier one and I'm likeI don't know your name well,
you're just a guy about town noteven.
I mean not anymore, but I meanjust you do a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
You do a lot in the community.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
I have to.
Yeah, I mean, it's part of myjob.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
No, it's your job it's not a bad thing, it's a
good guy.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
That's why people think they know you, they hear
you every day.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
You're a part of their life.
You're in their ear every daythat is part of the job.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Totally, I'm talking to them and they're not talking
back to me.
So we have a relationshipthat's pretty one sided and then
we meet and that's awesome andI love it.
I love that relationship, but Idon't know their name Right,
even though they think we'retier one or whatever.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Okay, so that happens .
And then they call me scenariothey call me and they're like
listen, listen, my mom's in thehospital, can you pick up the
kids from school?
And I'm like who is this?
I don't have this number to sayam?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
I their emergency contact yeah, and listen again.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I'm talking about unredeemed, very lost, very
broken Laura Okay, when this waslike a narrative in my life,
but I do think situations likethat are still happening.
I've heard several women thatI'm friends with now that have
had some misplaced misread.
I thought they were reallyreally high up or they thought I
(16:56):
was really high up.
How do we get here and how do Iadjust?
Speaker 3 (17:00):
Is that a real scenario that happened To pick
my hospital?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yes, will, wow, all right, wow, I feel like I'm
getting a lot of judgment.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
I feel like that's a story, Like that's what people
love to hear.
Is this kind of?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
This crazy shit.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Yes, yes, Somebody said like hey, there's an
emergency, Can you help pickingup at the?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
hospital.
This is a real thing.
What's your last name?
Speaker 3 (17:22):
So what's the story Like?
How did you figure this out,who was it and what happened?
Well, you just keep talking.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I was like, well, remind me again which school
they're at.
I remember asking, and what aretheir names and ages.
I was like, am I even on thelist?
And they were like, oh, I'mgoing to have to, I'll have to
call the school.
I mean, it's an emergency.
And I was like, okay, thank God.
Her dad beeped in and was likeI'll get the kids.
(17:49):
But this is a real.
And I was like I still got offthe phone.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I was like who was it and where are we today?
Who is it, do you know?
And was like who was it andwhere are we today?
Who is it Do you know?
Did you find out?
No, we're friends on Facebookbut we're not real life.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
How did you find out who it was?
I called a realtor to a personand asked them.
I was like hey, just fromdeductive reasoning standpoint,
like here's what I know, can youhelp me narrow down?
It's either this person or thisperson.
Who do help me narrow down?
It's either this person or thisperson who do you think it is?
(18:23):
And she was like, hey, it'sthat person.
I know what happened because wewere all kind of like in the
similar.
This feels like.
I feel like, even just lookingat your side profile, you're
just some judgment why are youlike paranoid.
Today, nobody is judging youit's because I'm wearing the
same outfit, guys.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
I'm just like your hat because you had the shit in
your hair earlier, that's whyI'm wearing the same outfit,
guys.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I'm just kidding.
I like your hat Because you hadthe shit in your hair earlier.
That's why I'm judging you Inno way am I judging you.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I think this story is wild.
It's what makes this podcastwhat it is.
It's like us telling thesecrazy stories.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
It's also what makes me the girl who needed Makes you
who you are.
Yeah, who needed a podcast likethis?
Yeah in itself could be apodcast episode Like this whole.
You could just tell that storybecause that's wild.
I trauma bonded to people.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
That's what I did, and when you do that you do have
this you attract a lot ofopen-ended things that you might
not have an answer to.
We'll call that an open-endedthing.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
It's definitely I've been to this day.
I still don't know exactly howwe got there.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I believe there was a lot of wine involved that's a
great one though that is goodthat's a great one I know we
have a lot to cover in thispodcast.
I don't know that I'venecessarily misread.
I'm having this vision of incollege.
It's like I could find someonein a lot of pain and my college
was like way out.
One of my colleges was like wayout in the middle of nowhere
(19:44):
and you know we drive 30 minutes.
I can remember being like at aChili's and being like how, what
, what am I doing with thisperson?
And then they would unload onme and I'm like balls deep with
someone and and I don't evenknow what happened it was like
we talked once in class andwe're at chili's for whatever
(20:06):
they serve.
I can't baby back ribs looking,I think that's applebee's.
But go on, we all know I hadn'tgone to a chain restaurant until
I went to college.
But what was chili's?
Speaker 3 (20:16):
baby back ribs.
Really yeah, chili's baby,chili's Baby Back Ribs, really
yeah, chili's Baby Back Ribs.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
I did find out.
That was beautiful.
I'm a little off track here intwo ways, but one I did find out
.
I mean, y'all know I was calledthe man eater and I have talked
about that.
In high school I found out thatone of my ex-boyfriends when my
ex-husband started dating me,he like wrote him a letter or
(20:43):
something and said something tothe effect of like she is like a
siren, be careful.
And I was like what signal am Igiving out?
That's like ruining thesepeople these men boys lives.
I think that track okay, soanyways, skip forward to present
day.
Um, I've seen.
I wish I could count how manyclients I've seen.
(21:05):
If my first client was 2010,it's 2015.
So sometimes you know, you seesomebody in public and they're
thrilled to see you and you'relike trying to place them.
I know that has happened withclients and I'm like, because
not someone I see now or even inthe past few years, but like a
decade ago, I'm like who, what,when, why, where?
(21:28):
Um, or I've looked the samesince kindergarten.
So I'm pretty lucky a lot ofpeople do remember my name and
I'm like, please, god, help meplace this person give me any,
but I can fake like I know younot as well as you.
You're brilliant at it.
(21:48):
But those are my scenarios.
It's not so much that I've likeaccidentally thought I was
closer to someone in recentyears, um, you only say I'm
brilliant at it, because itliterally just happened to us At
a restaurant.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
At a restaurant I thought, and you were like why
didn't you introduce me?
I was like hello, introduceyourself.
You don't know the code If I'mnot telling you someone's name.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
it's because I don't know it.
I did redo and we did find outher name.
Yes, you're brilliant, whoyou've since forgotten, but it's
locked in here it's forgotten,but it's locked in here.
Hey there, delilah, no Exceptthat's not her.
It's Delilah.
Was it Delilah.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Was that the name?
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No 96.5?
.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Oh yeah, no, I'm saying the name of the person.
It wasn't Delilah, right?
No, no, she said Delilah,that's just what she thinks it
is and it's not.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
We have a game.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
We talked over and over again about tier one, two
and three, and then what Willdescribes as tier 15, we're
going to call those near.
So it's tier or near, and I'mgoing to read out scenarios.
And there's no right or wrong.
Nobody gets a prize, obviously,because I didn't get mine from
last time when I won, and youeither need to name the tier or,
if it's just a near for you,okay, got it.
(23:04):
Ooh, these make meuncomfortable.
You're going to die, we'll befine.
All right, this person shows upto your birthday dinner, but
they bring a plus one you'venever met.
Is this a?
Speaker 3 (23:21):
tier friend or a near friend, like without saying,
and I have no idea.
It's a total surprise.
We didn't get that specific.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So we'll say they didn't tell you.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I'm going to go tier three, and this will just
confirm why they haven't beenable to run up the ladder.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Yeah, it's a much lower tier, because otherwise
they would just say like, hey,is it cool if I bring so-and-so.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
But they got invited, so that lets me know they're
like close enough in my circle.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Tier one would have said hey, I'm dating someone,
Can I bring them?
Lower tiers would be like I'm alittle nervous because Laura
never remembers my name.
I'm going to bring a friend andnot say anything, Right?
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Yeah, Also like birthday dinner.
What?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Look, we're doing the best we can.
Oh no, I'm saying for me that'sthe issue.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
This is a game we don't want to tell you, but
we're throwing you a birthdaydinner.
Actually we'll A large birthdaydinner.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's like what yeah Got somebody to jump out of a
cake.
Okay, I, I've got somebody tojump out of a cake.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Okay, I'm there for that, it's a tier one friend
though.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
All right, you told someone something vulnerable in
a text and they replied with ameme.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
That's tier one.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
That's tier one for me, I would say tier one.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Yes, that's a tier one, because they know they
don't have to say anything.
They can probably get theirpoint across just by sending me
a meme.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yes, me and Amanda.
We never get into it.
But got a little spicy and shesent me the Larry David.
Fuck you and I'll see youtomorrow.
Exactly, fuck you, see youtomorrow.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Definitely tier one.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And I laughed and, of course, started the next day.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Also, I'm not sending anything vulnerable to anyone.
That's not tier one, but still.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
You're not sending anybody anything vulnerable
period I was going to say no,but whatever, I'm like, my
life's falling apart.
Help, okay, you haven't seenthem in six months, but they
Venmo you unprompted for acoffee when you post Okay, I'm
sorry, I can barely get throughthe whole question because none
(25:25):
of us would ever do this ever,but you've apparently posted
that you're having a hard day,which.
No crying on Instagram.
No crying on Instagram.
You're having a hard day.
So made up scenario tear ornear I'd say fuck off.
Not even in my realm gosh.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Yeah, that's not, that's no one I know I was like
I've been moat 17 peopleyesterday because they were
having a hard day I do that formy team when we're on like
deadline or something likebecause they posted on instagram
I would say that if somebodyposted their puppy died or
something, you know what I mean.
Okay, you're right, I wasnegative, so like I'm just
(26:06):
saying that if I knew that afriend had gone through
something really hard but Ididn't know, because maybe it
has been six months and we'vetalked I still would say they're
a tear.
And I feel convicted, I feelattacked, because I am the
person that if I saw that Imight would do something kind
and quiet, like send a Venmo, tojust be like I see you.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
I got, I got grossed out.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
I see you saw people crying on the internet and I
went.
I went there with you, but thenI was thinking about it through
my lens and I'm like I would dothat.
I would.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Yeah, so I think the weird part of that one is like
the crying about something onInstagram or something.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
But that's not even in there.
I made it up.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
That's just what she saw, but like definitely, like
you know, had a terriblesituation this past year with
both the pups passing andwhatever, and then had a friend
when they found out say like hey, just want to let you know.
My husband and I made adonation to the greater
birmingham main city in pig'sname and whatever and and so
that that and that is goodthat's a very high tier and
(27:07):
those they are high tier friends.
So that's the only example Ihave of that yes, okay, you're
right, you're right that's theonly example I have.
if it was a rando and like Imade a weird like uh, you know,
an unspecified prayer requestfor a tough day.
That's gross, that's weird.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
That's gross to me, but if I just notice because,
like again, it said the sixmonth thing which just let me
know, like maybe you have lostsome touch with them but they're
still in my, I would stillconsider that a tear person.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
I'm feeling guilty about my initial response.
No, no, no.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
I think it's validated.
I think that the way you kindof framed it did sound pretty
good.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Thank, you, you find out.
This person was in town andthey didn't tell you Tier or
near.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Near, near yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
They're not in a tier , yeah maybe I'm actually going
to say tier one.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
I have a couple of tiers.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 1 (27:59):
me.
I'm going to tell you why.
Okay, actually, I see whereyou're going, but go ahead.
I have.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
One of my best friends lives in Nashville.
Her mother lives here and myfriend has a three-year-old so
when she comes to town they goto her mom's.
They visit and I would neverput that on her to make time for
me.
It does not hurt my feelingsand she's probably here often.
When she does have time, we seeeach other.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Yeah, it could be tier, one or two it could be.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I would agree with that.
I guess I was.
Just I went because I have acouple tier ones, like one lives
in Colorado and one lives inChattanooga, and if they were
all the way here?
I would be like they were allthe way here, I would be like
bitch, you know.
But in that scenario I couldsee that being totally like a
tier one.
Yeah, but I'm going to call itnear because let me just tell
(28:48):
you, bitches, if y'all arelistening and y'all come into
this town and I find out aboutit and y'all didn't at least
give me a heads up and let meknow why you weren't going to
see me.
You know I'm going to getcaught.
You want to be told?
Speaker 2 (28:57):
I would like to be.
You don't have to see me.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
I don't want to be ghosted Look if my hoes are
coming from Nashville, sure, howloose of you.
But if it's from LA and it'sonly the one time out of the
year they're going to come toBirmingham, then I expect hey,
I'm going to be here.
(29:22):
But I definitely have a veryclose friend who's here for work
you know, lives, uh, whatever,somewhere way away, way far away
, and I know like how busy he isand so like if we get together,
one out of the three times hegets to come to birmingham.
That's cool.
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
They only reach out when they need something super
quick for work tier ortransactional transactional yeah
easy, or transactional.
Transactional, yeah, easy, easy, transactional.
You text them a full novelabout something going on.
They heart react and neverrespond Tear or triggered.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Reasonable on their part.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I do that shit all the time.
Somebody will text me somethingreally long and what will
happen is I see it, I getdistracted.
I promise myself I'm going tocircle back, but I want to like
say that I saw it.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
So I heart it.
But what if you sent mesomething long and I hearted it?
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And then you didn't say anything.
I would be like are you good?
You fucking hate me.
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Triggered.
I would be like are you good?
You fucking hate me.
What's happening?
Triggered.
So to me, if I sent a someone,I thought I was really close
with something long and theyjust hearted it.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
I would get anxious, oh totally, I would too.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I would call you.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
I'd be like what's going on?
Okay, you're with clients, youhate me.
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I think I would different differentiate this
with tier one and tier two.
Tier one, I would be like whythe fuck are you ignoring me,
laura?
This is a crisis, hello.
If it was a tier two and Ithought we were building to tier
one, I'd be like well, abortmission misread this situation
and I'm never going to speak tothem again.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
I hate myself blocking them.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Actually we're done so the closer I am the less
triggered if it's like out hereI'm like whoopsie daisy.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Yeah, I'm pretty relentless.
I feel like if it's a tier oneand you hearted something and I
didn't hear from you, I'dprobably blow you up later.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
They know your coffee order and your childhood trauma
.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
You could go a lot of ways I was like the same there.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
One right.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
You don't have that experience.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
What would it be for you?
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Tier one.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I mean and I could be literally anyone from my 20s,
Anyone from my 20s.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
I kind of like the coffee would be wrong.
Now, though, that's true.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
My coffee order has changed.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
I have a much more sophisticated palette than just
a chai, vanilla chai obviouslynot like a chai tea, like an
actual, like powdered chaitotally I think it's good for
our listeners that they'reseeing that there is no like
right answer, that we're alllike everybody's situation is
different.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Yes, and everyone's tier definitions are probably
different too.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
I mean, we're right of course, but like you can,
yeah, yeah yeah, clearly.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
You can veer off.
Put this in here.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
You invite them to your holiday party.
They RSVP yes.
Never show, never text Tiernear or disappeared.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
That's a re-evaluation.
Yeah, if I invited you that's atier 2-ish.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Whatever.
For y'all tier 2, for me tier 8, I guess.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
I think I would go like, if that happened, I don't
know, I would check on thatperson.
I would be like are you good?
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Well, I wouldn't host a holiday party, but if I did I
would imagine the no show, notexters would be tier two or
tier three and I wouldn't care.
And if it was a tier one I'd belike are you okay?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
And not in a passive, aggressive way.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
I'd be like are you good, this is unlike you.
That that's exactly right.
I agree with that.
You are winning at this game.
I do like to win.
They were there for yourdivorce, miscarriage, job loss,
but you don't actually laughtogether anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
What that?
Speaker 3 (33:11):
sounds dramatic.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It sounds like a marriage dip.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
I'm like, is this your spouse?
Speaker 3 (33:22):
Things just evolve right.
I was thinking about thisearlier for some reason, and I
can't remember the exactsituation or who the friend was,
but somebody still would belike, oh yeah, close friend, but
I probably really haven'ttalked to him in a few years Yet
.
It's somebody that used to likeoh hey, here's what's happening
this Friday, like you're comingto my house and whatever.
But so it just evolves.
People get busy, people havekids, people.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
And I think that's kind of you know, I have a
friend that lives in NorthCarolina I hope she's listening
Her name's Megan and she knowsall my stuff and we still do
actually like where we couldmeme each other Like still do
actually like we're we couldmeme each other like we can
legit just send each other stuffon instagram, but she doesn't
all my stuff and I would stillconsider her a top tier friend
(34:04):
because I know if some shit wentdown like we have history.
She's probably the person thatused to call me out the most on
being like.
Why does that person think thaty'all are best friends and you?
Speaker 2 (34:17):
don't know her name.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yes, she would call me on my shit.
But so I would say, and I I dolaugh with her, but like not on
the phone.
We haven't talked on the phonein a month or two months maybe
but you would still think eachother were funny people 100% and
we're like she's hilarious.
I've gotten drunk with her onaccident, with champagne and
like a hot tub, because I didn'tknow you could get drunk.
I was like I don't feel this atall, and then I got out and
(34:40):
fell on my face.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
All right, this one.
I think we're going to havetrouble answering because of our
age, but I think it would beimportant to answer for our
20-somethings.
Do they listen?
20-something year olds?
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Yeah, we definitely have 20-somethings.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
We have to at some point let Hunter yell something
into the mic.
He's a 20-something.
Our cameraman's a 20-something.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
That's right, Hunter.
He should answer this question.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Okay, yeah, you're in for this one All right Hunter.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
They always watch your stories, but never reply to
your texts.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
Honestly, it depends If it is someone who like, if
you're in your 20s.
So if it's like a high schoolfriend who used to be like a
tier one, I would consider themprobably like a two Okay.
But anyone else probably isjust either an acquaintance or
tier three, or they just don'tcare about you Like you care
about them.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I would call these people my children.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Thank you, sir.
I'll say this, though, thoughlike I watch people's stories, I
don't even know like, what doyou mean?
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I'm not texting them same, so I found out we might
need hunter on this one againthat a lot of people in their
early 20s, like college age,have a main instagram and then
like a sub instagram.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Yeah, lila, what's it called multiple spam?
Lilaila's spam.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
Like Finsta, but yeah , spam account whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
So I'm thinking, thinking out loud of these
people that must have their likesmaller accounts.
People are watching theirstories and then they aren't
responding to text.
Might be painful.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
If you're not responding to a text, forget the
whole reels or stories thing orwhatever.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
But they don't forget these things.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
I'm just saying, like that is the story is not
responding to a text.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Okay, that makes your tier that design.
Listen, you were born in the1900s and so were we, and it is
a different game now.
Like text is I?
Speaker 2 (36:39):
just feel like I will be sending something to the us
postal service, I mean really,why are you?
Speaker 1 (36:44):
are you not talking to them on snapchat, like, do
you not know how to get in touchwith them?
Do you have snapchat?
Speaker 3 (36:51):
uh, I don't know for the kids like they snap me
exactly my grandmother, likeyeah, like there's like family
snap stuff, that's cute.
I don't even, I don't have, Idon't even know how to use it.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
So, like they snap me Exactly my grandmother, like
yeah, like there's like familysnaps, that's cute.
I don't even have it.
I don't have it, I don't evenknow how to use it.
Okay, we can move on.
They remembered your dog's nameand brought them a treat, but
forgot your birthday.
Honestly, good for them.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, can't remember everybody's birthday.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Oh, I was just oh yeah hunter says tier one, look,
you're pointing at will.
You really know me?
If you love my dog and,honestly, if you forget my
birthday, I'm not upset.
Laura did forget my birthdaythis year I wasn't under a lot
of pressure and I didn't care Iknew you still loved me.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
It's true, you were like are you okay?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
I did give you those socks, you did my brother took
them bitch because he saw them,because we were well, we went to
that event and he's like I'mgonna wear these and then I
never saw them again, butwhatever grateful.
Dead socks, by the way uh, youcried in front of them once and
they offered you gum.
Honestly, that is somethingclose to what will lock me could
(37:53):
do to you, and I love you soyeah, yeah, it's a nice gesture.
It's a near thing.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
Sorry, you feel that way, that's the awkward guy
sitting next to you on the planewho's like oh my God, this
person is crying.
What do I do?
Would you like a piece of gum?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
You're a rarity that I was still cried to.
This is a situation similar tolike I sent someone to text.
Might have misread ourcloseness and if I read that
you're uncomfortable with metrying to disclose something, I
don't feel like I'm a super overshare anymore.
Fingers crossed um, I wouldjust take that as a little
information that we are.
(38:29):
We are on the the lower end ofthat, tier two and three, and we
might just need to just data,just let that data sink in.
We might still be friends andI'm gonna keep keep some of this
stuff to myself.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
OK, so what do we if you're walking through this
right now?
Let's say specifically I thinkthe most harmful of this
scenario is if you thoughtsomeone was super high up in the
tier rank and then you find outthey're not.
Like something happens and it'ssuper disappointing.
What do you say to that person?
How do they adjust withoutneeding to ghost that person?
Speaker 2 (39:01):
To be honest, I would like look at maybe your part,
like were they giving back asmuch as you were putting in?
Like I know what I put into afriendship, I hope I get back
and if I don't, I'm not angry,I'm not bitter, it's just
information.
So I would look at it asinformation and maybe it.
You know, we have a prettyloose term for bound, like loose
(39:25):
meaning of boundary.
We don't think you have to belike I'm putting a boundary in
place.
Maybe you're just more boundary, like, okay, I know we can get
coffee and go on walks or likehang out in big groups, but
these are not my, my core peopleand don't spend any time being
resentful.
I mean, unless they were mean.
But that's not even what we'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
No, yeah, I think it's just like misreading it and
I would also say too, like, uh,lean in.
I think sometimes when youmisread a relationship, it gives
you an opportunity to reallyappreciate the ones you do have
that are really high up there.
That you know, like I'm not offon these three or four people
that I know are just like supertight and for some people it's
(40:03):
just one.
Like you know, my son is aboutto move really far away and go
to a school and I told him andhe's like I'm nervous about
meeting people because where Iam I have all these people that
I went to high school with and Iknow them and I'm like you know
what man, you just need one.
So as long as you didn'tmisread the one you had, and if
that's the scenario, book atherapy appointment, find
(40:26):
somebody to talk to about that,because that's really really
hard.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
But I think sometimes misreading it just gives you
some perspective and I would say, if it's the other way, like
someone misread, for you that'san incredibly important place
for boundaries and, for instance, there's a mother of a child in
one of my kids grades and shetexts me, sometimes like at 9,
10, 11 o'clock at night to makeplans for the next day.
(40:50):
And that's just not how Ifunction as a parent.
I'm absolutely asleep and Iresponded and I'm like, hey, I
usually have to make plans thisfar in advance and like I just
have to boundary the stuff, likewe aren't that close to be
making plans At 11pm and that'swhat we're going to do also just
as A heads up on 11pm textersIf you ever text them back, you
(41:13):
just gave them a permission Slip.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I've got a lady in my life that, for real, I do not
text her after 7 pm because Iknow she is hitting the bottle
hard and it's just not going tobe the vibe for me and that's no
offense to her.
Like, get after it, sis, butlike I just know I have a
boundary, I don't text thosepeople.
So if you have somebody who'sdoing, who's crossing a boundary
(41:35):
, always wait and text them whenit is an appropriate time for
you.
Speaker 3 (41:40):
I have a 9 pm to 9 am , unless it's important or just
a silly friend thing.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (41:47):
No texting 9 pm to 9 am, and I'm up way early in the
morning.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:51):
And I love like my grandmother texts me or whoever,
early in the morning, it'sgreat.
But like work stuff, I just I'mnot going to text anybody until
9 am because I don't know theirschedule.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
They may want to sleep a little bit.
Yes, agreed, yep, I love that.
Okay, well, if you're goingthrough that and it's hurting
you, we're really sorry.
A lot of compassion around that, but we hope this was funny.
(42:23):
Good yeah, pick up that girlthat sounded funny and fun.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Our jaws were on the ground Before you Cut Bangs is
hosted by Laura Quick and ClaireFeerman and produced by Will
Lockamade.
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Follow along with us everywhere.
Please subscribe to the podcast.
No-transcript.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all.
Unless you want to and it turnsout well, then you can trust us
.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Unrelated to our topic today, for our warm-up
mixer one or two things thatjust gross you out.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
Body hair.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
On the body.
Like hairy men.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Hairy.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Women Anybody.
Speaker 3 (00:57):
Body hair.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
So you're probably really struggling with this
movement of like a lot going onfor everybody.
Speaker 3 (01:03):
Yeah, I ignore it altogether.
Oh Well, we ignore italtogether?
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Oh Well, we would expect nothing less.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Like you can hold down and hide, and that is the
most on-trend thing you havesaid.
Yeah, like I can hold down,like not interested in that
video.
Okay, so the algorithm knows Iwant no part.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
So body hair, not for you Anything else.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Yeah, I mean like bathroom stuff that's not my
children or whatever yeah but Imean that's normal we've heard
about that.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
It's not normal.
You are actually.
I feel like you really strugglewith it more than most mostly
from.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
I'll say this yeah, from a privacy standpoint, sure,
but also then from like a humorstandpoint.
I don't like it.
I feel like it's like thelowest low.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
It makes us think you've never shit your pants,
and that is not fair.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You totally never know if I had, you're right.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
That's right.
Did you like freshen up withmen's deodorant before we got
here?
Speaker 3 (01:59):
Well, I came home from the gym and didn't shower,
so I definitely put on deodorant.
Smells good, oh, thanks.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
You're welcome, I can smell you, that's it, it's just
deodorant, things that gross meout.
I'm talking gag.
Yeah, dog vomit.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Like washing my dog, like and then vomit and me going
I'm going to have to clean thatup.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
I have to feel that under the paper towel, oh I,
that under the paper towel, oh Icover it with like recycled
grocery bags and like I can't.
And the whole time I'm like,yeah, that's really bad for me.
Um, watching someone vomit, nogo sure any, just really anyone
vomiting um and trash, liketrash that you've already put in
the trash can.
For instance, like when we'reat the lake, we have to take the
(02:43):
trash like a mile you know thatyou've already put in the trash
can.
For instance, like when we'reat the lake, we have to take the
trash like a mile.
You know because, you've done itand one time Shane was like
trying to He-Man the trashtoward the dumpster but it was
so heavy and full of stuff thatit hit the side and exploded
everywhere.
And just the disgustingness ofpicking up that trash.
(03:03):
So the double trash gets youDouble trash.
I hate it.
Speaker 3 (03:07):
Yeah, I'll say.
The last time I was at the lakenear y'all's place with my
next-door neighbor here herfamily has a place up there and
I was doing the dishes and thegarbage disposal if you go by
the brand name had this coollittle mesh, whatever and I went
to empty it.
But if you release it, whateverpart of it, a little part fell
(03:31):
in the garbage can.
Speaker 1 (03:32):
A very full garbage.
Can I'm like time to get a newone?
Fuck it.
That's what's wrong with me.
She's actually gagging.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Here's the thing.
So I had to spend $40.
I didn't have to.
They were like leave it, don'tworry, we'll buy another one.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
I was like no you won't Not on my watch my first
time at your lake house?
Speaker 3 (03:47):
no, absolutely not.
I'm going to find it.
So I had to pick through everybit of that weekend worth of
garbage.
Little kids there, everything.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
You're such a good person.
Okay, what about yours?
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Immediate gag if I see somebody spit like,
especially if they do the wholeoh, oh oh, oh I don't want to
see it on the ground.
I don't want to see it come outof your mouth.
I don't even if my kids like ifthey blow a spit bubble.
I'm like you have to leave thewhole house.
I cannot stand it.
I've never been able to standit.
(04:23):
Immediate gag.
I gag all the time I'm an easygagger.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
We did, we watched you almost throw up.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Dog vomit, no problem .
Speaker 1 (04:31):
What, oh, it's so nasty Something about in a sink,
or I can't even say it.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
My mouth starts watering in a bad way Like loose
hair, like if I get somebodyelse.
Speaker 3 (04:44):
Oh, she's gagging.
Do you gag when other peoplegag?
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Yes, sometimes I've seen videos of people that
that's a funny thing.
Pitch perfect.
When that girl just startedlike projectile, I was like I'm
out, I can't even watch thismovie.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, just anybody's hair.
I don't want to see your hairin your shower.
If I'm a guest, get out.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
It is the most disgusting thing to see hair in
a shower.
I will switch hotel roomsimmediately.
All right, what are we talkingabout today?
I kind of liked this Also.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
I have to say really quick how did the retreat go?
You guys had a bunch oflisteners hang out with you for
a weekend, which is crazy town.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
But I'm very interested.
I mean only one snuck into ourroom and got in between us but
outside of that shared a bed.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
That's the biggest news of the whole deal bestie,
we took it, we were a bestiepass.
Okay, listen.
No, my favorite part of theretreat is that clear circled
everybody up before we weregoing to do our first session
and you know we did like alittle thing and she was like
guys, this is so cool, I'm soglad you guys came.
I would never do this, I wouldnever go to a straight.
(05:54):
I was like what are you doing?
Speaker 2 (05:55):
you're not building.
I wouldn't sign up forsomething like that.
Speaker 3 (05:59):
I like to be the leader and you were a great
leader that's why I was socurious, because I would never
sign up for something like that.
But I know it sells out andpeople do sign up for these
things.
I've witnessed one of them.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
We had 20 women come and it was so great.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
It was really fun and special.
Speaker 3 (06:16):
So what's the topic?
Speaker 1 (06:17):
We're talking about.
The title is oh shit, I thoughtyou were a tier one.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
We're doing part two of friendship episode, which is
the most popular episode we'veever done of all time.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I think we probably referenced it the most too.
Yes, so now would be a greattime If you don't know what
we're talking about to revisitthat episode.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Yes, if you haven't listened to our friendship or
friendship breakup episode, wetalk a ton about tier ones.
But this one kind of came upbecause I've had several friends
right now just going through are-establishing like, damn, I
got this wrong.
Either you got it wrong likeyou thought somebody was a tier
(07:00):
one, tier two, tier three friendand you had them kind of in
your circle right, everybodyelse would be like an
acquaintance or they got itwrong.
They really were thinking youwere holding a different weight
in your life or in their life.
And then all of a sudden athing happens and they're like
wait, wait, but you didn't cometo this thing, or you didn't do
(07:22):
this thing for me, and so that'skind of the theme.
But it's not about cuttingpeople off.
This is just kind of like okay,if we figure out like this
person isn't in the position Ithought they were, or maybe they
figure out you're not in theposition they thought you were,
how do we keep them in our lifebut just reestablish where they
(07:45):
belong in our own brain andheart?
Speaker 3 (07:50):
I almost feel like this is for our younger audience
.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's hilarious because all the people that I'm
talking about are literally intheir 30s or 40s.
That's walking.
This is for women, Will.
Speaker 3 (08:02):
Okay, Welcome to the show.
That's why I'm here to ask thequestions.
I'm here to ask the questions.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
I'm just kidding.
I think this could happen to adude.
I don't know any dudes thatit's happened to.
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I'm sure it can.
My funny story about this isthat when I was, you know,
around 20 or something, I wasdating a girl that was a little
bit on and off at times andduring one quick off period she
started dating this guy that Iwas friends with.
For sure, he was definitelyfriends with my friends.
No, we'd only for a year or two, so, but at that time I'm, I'm
(08:33):
out there, I'm like you know allthese new people and whatever,
and they he started dating herduring like one of like a week
we've been broken up orsomething and I was like, hey
man, I was like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Just like it doesn't seem cool, you said something to
him.
Speaker 3 (08:49):
Yeah, which does feel crazy Wow.
I was like we're friends.
He's like oh no, no, no, dude,we're not friends.
No, no, no.
He's like we're not friends.
He's like, no, you've been tomy place.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
He said we're not friends.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
He gaslit you on top of stealing your girlfriend, but
he so quickly threw it downthat all I could do was like oh,
oh, well, in that case I guessthat makes sense then.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
And then you started making a list of all the shit
you were going to do to him.
You're like, now that I knowwe're not friends, I'm just
kidding.
And now, of course, course,I've like but me in my 20s, I
would have been like I'm gettingthe shovel, don't worry, I've
got trash bags in my trunk,let's go tons of like business
things with him over the yearsand whatever and so like.
Speaker 3 (09:32):
but I just knew then like, oh, he's just kind of got
like so much the point that whenLila grew out of her baby stuff
and he and his wife were havingtheir first child, I gave him
all of my baby stuff from Lilaas not friends.
Yeah, that's right.
Of course I thought he was kindof full of it, Like I mean, we
were friends, which is why wecontinued.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
He just wanted to go on a couple dates, but it was
funny.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
It was definitely like a tap-down moment, Like
okay, I got it.
I got it and then I did kind ofthink from that point on like,
oh, who are actually my?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I guess there is a difference in just people you
kind of hang out with and peoplethat are your friends that you
would expect to not help thepeople know what is the tier one
, tier two, tier three, versuslike somebody that just would be
like on the outside of thecircle.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
Okay for us.
I think we decided tier one.
For all of us is pretty small.
You can have healthyconfrontation if needed.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
They tell you the hard stuff.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
They tell you hard stuff.
You can say no to them.
Nobody's offended.
They can say no to you Prettyeasy Friendship.
It's a sit in silence if you'rein a long car ride, if you need
to.
There's no awkwardness, it'sjust extreme comfort.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
I always think I can define it by the car ride.
Yes, who will I ride in a carwith to the beach?
Pretty small or especiallylet's say to the mountains or
something like that, like a10-hour car ride that is 100%
tier one that is maybe onlyfamily, and I even think about
murdering them.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
I could do that with a best friend, for sure, like a
tier one.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
Tier two close enough to tier one.
Maybe not the car ride close,but definitely Actually, let me
say this Tier one you don't evenhave to see that often they
could even live in a differentplace, but you feel close.
Tier two I think of more aspeople you see regularly.
Regularly they might be able topick up your kid for you.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Tier one all have the list of, like what to do
immediately when I die.
And tier two are definitelygoing to be at the funeral and
they're in my morning crew.
Sure, they're mourning for me,obviously wailing the wailing
ladies, but they're not.
They don't know where that listis and they don't have access
to my.
(11:49):
They don't know my the, the codeon my phone to like sure, and
you might not be calling them inan emergency right but you love
them love them and and andbelieve they have wise counsel,
like they're in that that groupof people because, like I care
what they think, I may seekadvice from them.
I may.
I like the way they live.
They're in that tier and Istill like the way they live.
(12:11):
I don't necessarily want tolive like them and I don't even
know that that's true for mytier one.
I got lots of people I wouldn'tnecessarily want to be like oh,
I'm going to do what you do andlive your life, but yeah, tier
two what about tier three?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Didn't we say tier three is like people you want to
be closer with or like that arejust kind of peripherally
around, yeah, like you wouldknow their names.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
Oh no, I think that you're going to acquaintance.
I would say.
Tier three is still like.
You may hang out with them.
They may be like In your bookclub, yes, but they could also
be your best friend's friendfrom way back.
You know what I mean, whereyou're just like, we're close
and we know a lot of the samethings, but we don't like.
You definitely are not comingto like my close friend.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Ornament swap, right cookie swap never, never book
club and none of these are bad.
Speaker 3 (13:02):
None of these are bad by the way no one, two and
three, all excellent, justdifferent closeness levels I
think I remember is, you guyshad it as like one, two and
three and I had it like onethrough 15, like I had what you
just described as tier 15 yes, Ithink, yeah, oh, yeah you.
Speaker 2 (13:17):
I feel like you're like tier one dabbling two and
then it's like way out there,little intricacies throughout
the rest.
Speaker 3 (13:24):
Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1 (13:29):
So, for instance, in my 20s my job required me to be
quite the extrovert, like that'swhat I did for a living.
I've made friendsprofessionally.
I was in a referral-basedbusiness and I really love
people, so it's like super easyfor me to like.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
For a laundromat.
I think that's important totalk about.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
I love that it was a dry cleaner, whatever.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
And that's rude.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Soaps and suds.
First of all, laundromat soundstrailer park bitch and I had
been at least several yearsremoved from the trailer.
Okay, anyways, in my drycleaning era and I definitely
think there were people thatbelieved I was a tier one in
(14:12):
their life and I wouldn't alwaysknow their names, but they were
like, okay well no, I'magreeing with you 100% okay, I
thought you were judging me, andwhat I mean by that is like I
do when I'm with you.
I really am all with you and Ilove to hear your stories and I
(14:33):
want you to tell me and I, whenI'm there and I'll normally
check out.
Now I've got boundaries and Ican say like, hey, I don't
actually have the capacity orthe time to do this.
But back then I had noboundaries, I listened to
everything, anything.
Sit down with me, tell me yourlife story, let me trauma dump
on you, and then you believewe're so close and connected
because you told me a scarychildhood story and I told you
one that made you want to justhug me for three hours and hold
(14:56):
me like a child.
So I would have all thesepeople thinking that I was their
tier one and I didn't knowtheir full name.
Okay, so it was you oversharing100, and then they're like wow,
she really disclosed a lotsometimes they would overshare
and then I would over share backbut you don't trump it like I'd
(15:18):
be like hold my beer.
Let me tell you a crazier storythan that okay, so my eyes were
wrong.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I was disagreeing with you.
I was thinking it was the otherway around.
But I mean definitely tons ofsituations where people think
yeah, well tier one and I'm likeI don't know your name well,
you're just a guy about town noteven.
I mean not anymore, but I meanjust you do a lot.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
You do a lot in the community.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
I have to.
Yeah, I mean, it's part of myjob.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
No, it's your job it's not a bad thing, it's a
good guy.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
That's why people think they know you, they hear
you every day.
Speaker 1 (15:50):
You're a part of their life.
You're in their ear every daythat is part of the job.
Speaker 3 (15:54):
Totally, I'm talking to them and they're not talking
back to me.
So we have a relationshipthat's pretty one sided and then
we meet and that's awesome andI love it.
I love that relationship, but Idon't know their name Right,
even though they think we'retier one or whatever.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
Okay, so that happens .
And then they call me scenariothey call me and they're like
listen, listen, my mom's in thehospital, can you pick up the
kids from school?
And I'm like who is this?
I don't have this number to sayam?
Speaker 2 (16:31):
I their emergency contact yeah, and listen again.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
I'm talking about unredeemed, very lost, very
broken Laura Okay, when this waslike a narrative in my life,
but I do think situations likethat are still happening.
I've heard several women thatI'm friends with now that have
had some misplaced misread.
I thought they were reallyreally high up or they thought I
(16:56):
was really high up.
How do we get here and how do Iadjust?
Speaker 3 (17:00):
Is that a real scenario that happened To pick
my hospital?
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Yes, will, wow, all right, wow, I feel like I'm
getting a lot of judgment.
Speaker 3 (17:08):
I feel like that's a story, Like that's what people
love to hear.
Is this kind of?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
This crazy shit.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Yes, yes, Somebody said like hey, there's an
emergency, Can you help pickingup at the?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
hospital.
This is a real thing.
What's your last name?
Speaker 3 (17:22):
So what's the story Like?
How did you figure this out,who was it and what happened?
Well, you just keep talking.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I was like, well, remind me again which school
they're at.
I remember asking, and what aretheir names and ages.
I was like, am I even on thelist?
And they were like, oh, I'mgoing to have to, I'll have to
call the school.
I mean, it's an emergency.
And I was like, okay, thank God.
Her dad beeped in and was likeI'll get the kids.
(17:49):
But this is a real.
And I was like I still got offthe phone.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
I was like who was it and where are we today?
Who is it, do you know?
And was like who was it andwhere are we today?
Who is it Do you know?
Did you find out?
No, we're friends on Facebookbut we're not real life.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
How did you find out who it was?
I called a realtor to a personand asked them.
I was like hey, just fromdeductive reasoning standpoint,
like here's what I know, can youhelp me narrow down?
It's either this person or thisperson.
Who do help me narrow down?
It's either this person or thisperson who do you think it is?
(18:23):
And she was like, hey, it'sthat person.
I know what happened because wewere all kind of like in the
similar.
This feels like.
I feel like, even just lookingat your side profile, you're
just some judgment why are youlike paranoid.
Today, nobody is judging youit's because I'm wearing the
same outfit, guys.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
I'm just like your hat because you had the shit in
your hair earlier, that's whyI'm wearing the same outfit,
guys.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I'm just kidding.
I like your hat Because you hadthe shit in your hair earlier.
That's why I'm judging you Inno way am I judging you.
Speaker 3 (18:42):
I think this story is wild.
It's what makes this podcastwhat it is.
It's like us telling thesecrazy stories.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
It's also what makes me the girl who needed Makes you
who you are.
Yeah, who needed a podcast likethis?
Yeah in itself could be apodcast episode Like this whole.
You could just tell that storybecause that's wild.
I trauma bonded to people.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
That's what I did, and when you do that you do have
this you attract a lot ofopen-ended things that you might
not have an answer to.
We'll call that an open-endedthing.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
It's definitely I've been to this day.
I still don't know exactly howwe got there.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I believe there was a lot of wine involved that's a
great one though that is goodthat's a great one I know we
have a lot to cover in thispodcast.
I don't know that I'venecessarily misread.
I'm having this vision of incollege.
It's like I could find someonein a lot of pain and my college
was like way out.
One of my colleges was like wayout in the middle of nowhere
(19:44):
and you know we drive 30 minutes.
I can remember being like at aChili's and being like how, what
, what am I doing with thisperson?
And then they would unload onme and I'm like balls deep with
someone and and I don't evenknow what happened it was like
we talked once in class andwe're at chili's for whatever
(20:06):
they serve.
I can't baby back ribs looking,I think that's applebee's.
But go on, we all know I hadn'tgone to a chain restaurant until
I went to college.
But what was chili's?
Speaker 3 (20:16):
baby back ribs.
Really yeah, chili's baby,chili's Baby Back Ribs, really
yeah, chili's Baby Back Ribs.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
I did find out.
That was beautiful.
I'm a little off track here intwo ways, but one I did find out
.
I mean, y'all know I was calledthe man eater and I have talked
about that.
In high school I found out thatone of my ex-boyfriends when my
ex-husband started dating me,he like wrote him a letter or
(20:43):
something and said something tothe effect of like she is like a
siren, be careful.
And I was like what signal am Igiving out?
That's like ruining thesepeople these men boys lives.
I think that track okay, soanyways, skip forward to present
day.
Um, I've seen.
I wish I could count how manyclients I've seen.
(21:05):
If my first client was 2010,it's 2015.
So sometimes you know, you seesomebody in public and they're
thrilled to see you and you'relike trying to place them.
I know that has happened withclients and I'm like, because
not someone I see now or even inthe past few years, but like a
decade ago, I'm like who, what,when, why, where?
(21:28):
Um, or I've looked the samesince kindergarten.
So I'm pretty lucky a lot ofpeople do remember my name and
I'm like, please, god, help meplace this person give me any,
but I can fake like I know younot as well as you.
You're brilliant at it.
(21:48):
But those are my scenarios.
It's not so much that I've likeaccidentally thought I was
closer to someone in recentyears, um, you only say I'm
brilliant at it, because itliterally just happened to us At
a restaurant.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
At a restaurant I thought, and you were like why
didn't you introduce me?
I was like hello, introduceyourself.
You don't know the code If I'mnot telling you someone's name.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
it's because I don't know it.
I did redo and we did find outher name.
Yes, you're brilliant, whoyou've since forgotten, but it's
locked in here it's forgotten,but it's locked in here.
Hey there, delilah, no Exceptthat's not her.
It's Delilah.
Was it Delilah.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Was that the name?
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No 96.5?
.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Oh yeah, no, I'm saying the name of the person.
It wasn't Delilah, right?
No, no, she said Delilah,that's just what she thinks it
is and it's not.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
We have a game.
Speaker 2 (22:40):
We talked over and over again about tier one, two
and three, and then what Willdescribes as tier 15, we're
going to call those near.
So it's tier or near, and I'mgoing to read out scenarios.
And there's no right or wrong.
Nobody gets a prize, obviously,because I didn't get mine from
last time when I won, and youeither need to name the tier or,
if it's just a near for you,okay, got it.
(23:04):
Ooh, these make meuncomfortable.
You're going to die, we'll befine.
All right, this person shows upto your birthday dinner, but
they bring a plus one you'venever met.
Is this a?
Speaker 3 (23:21):
tier friend or a near friend, like without saying,
and I have no idea.
It's a total surprise.
We didn't get that specific.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
So we'll say they didn't tell you.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I'm going to go tier three, and this will just
confirm why they haven't beenable to run up the ladder.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Yeah, it's a much lower tier, because otherwise
they would just say like, hey,is it cool if I bring so-and-so.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
But they got invited, so that lets me know they're
like close enough in my circle.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
Tier one would have said hey, I'm dating someone,
Can I bring them?
Lower tiers would be like I'm alittle nervous because Laura
never remembers my name.
I'm going to bring a friend andnot say anything, Right?
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Yeah, Also like birthday dinner.
What?
Speaker 2 (24:03):
Look, we're doing the best we can.
Oh no, I'm saying for me that'sthe issue.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
This is a game we don't want to tell you, but
we're throwing you a birthdaydinner.
Actually we'll A large birthdaydinner.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's like what yeah Got somebody to jump out of a
cake.
Okay, I, I've got somebody tojump out of a cake.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
Okay, I'm there for that, it's a tier one friend
though.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
All right, you told someone something vulnerable in
a text and they replied with ameme.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
That's tier one.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
That's tier one for me, I would say tier one.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Yes, that's a tier one, because they know they
don't have to say anything.
They can probably get theirpoint across just by sending me
a meme.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Yes, me and Amanda.
We never get into it.
But got a little spicy and shesent me the Larry David.
Fuck you and I'll see youtomorrow.
Exactly, fuck you, see youtomorrow.
Speaker 3 (24:55):
Definitely tier one.
Speaker 2 (24:57):
And I laughed and, of course, started the next day.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
Also, I'm not sending anything vulnerable to anyone.
That's not tier one, but still.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
You're not sending anybody anything vulnerable
period I was going to say no,but whatever, I'm like, my
life's falling apart.
Help, okay, you haven't seenthem in six months, but they
Venmo you unprompted for acoffee when you post Okay, I'm
sorry, I can barely get throughthe whole question because none
(25:25):
of us would ever do this ever,but you've apparently posted
that you're having a hard day,which.
No crying on Instagram.
No crying on Instagram.
You're having a hard day.
So made up scenario tear ornear I'd say fuck off.
Not even in my realm gosh.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Yeah, that's not, that's no one I know I was like
I've been moat 17 peopleyesterday because they were
having a hard day I do that formy team when we're on like
deadline or something likebecause they posted on instagram
I would say that if somebodyposted their puppy died or
something, you know what I mean.
Okay, you're right, I wasnegative, so like I'm just
(26:06):
saying that if I knew that afriend had gone through
something really hard but Ididn't know, because maybe it
has been six months and we'vetalked I still would say they're
a tear.
And I feel convicted, I feelattacked, because I am the
person that if I saw that Imight would do something kind
and quiet, like send a Venmo, tojust be like I see you.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
I got, I got grossed out.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
I see you saw people crying on the internet and I
went.
I went there with you, but thenI was thinking about it through
my lens and I'm like I would dothat.
I would.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Yeah, so I think the weird part of that one is like
the crying about something onInstagram or something.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
But that's not even in there.
I made it up.
Speaker 3 (26:45):
That's just what she saw, but like definitely, like
you know, had a terriblesituation this past year with
both the pups passing andwhatever, and then had a friend
when they found out say like hey, just want to let you know.
My husband and I made adonation to the greater
birmingham main city in pig'sname and whatever and and so
that that and that is goodthat's a very high tier and
(27:07):
those they are high tier friends.
So that's the only example Ihave of that yes, okay, you're
right, you're right that's theonly example I have.
if it was a rando and like Imade a weird like uh, you know,
an unspecified prayer requestfor a tough day.
That's gross, that's weird.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
That's gross to me, but if I just notice because,
like again, it said the sixmonth thing which just let me
know, like maybe you have lostsome touch with them but they're
still in my, I would stillconsider that a tear person.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
I'm feeling guilty about my initial response.
No, no, no.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
I think it's validated.
I think that the way you kindof framed it did sound pretty
good.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Thank, you, you find out.
This person was in town andthey didn't tell you Tier or
near.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
Near, near yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
They're not in a tier , yeah maybe I'm actually going
to say tier one.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
I have a couple of tiers.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 1 (27:59):
me.
I'm going to tell you why.
Okay, actually, I see whereyou're going, but go ahead.
I have.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
One of my best friends lives in Nashville.
Her mother lives here and myfriend has a three-year-old so
when she comes to town they goto her mom's.
They visit and I would neverput that on her to make time for
me.
It does not hurt my feelingsand she's probably here often.
When she does have time, we seeeach other.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Yeah, it could be tier, one or two it could be.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I would agree with that.
I guess I was.
Just I went because I have acouple tier ones, like one lives
in Colorado and one lives inChattanooga, and if they were
all the way here?
I would be like they were allthe way here, I would be like
bitch, you know.
But in that scenario I couldsee that being totally like a
tier one.
Yeah, but I'm going to call itnear because let me just tell
(28:48):
you, bitches, if y'all arelistening and y'all come into
this town and I find out aboutit and y'all didn't at least
give me a heads up and let meknow why you weren't going to
see me.
You know I'm going to getcaught.
You want to be told?
Speaker 2 (28:57):
I would like to be.
You don't have to see me.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
I don't want to be ghosted Look if my hoes are
coming from Nashville, sure, howloose of you.
But if it's from LA and it'sonly the one time out of the
year they're going to come toBirmingham, then I expect hey,
I'm going to be here.
(29:22):
But I definitely have a veryclose friend who's here for work
you know, lives, uh, whatever,somewhere way away, way far away
, and I know like how busy he isand so like if we get together,
one out of the three times hegets to come to birmingham.
That's cool.
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
They only reach out when they need something super
quick for work tier ortransactional transactional yeah
easy, or transactional.
Transactional, yeah, easy, easy, transactional.
You text them a full novelabout something going on.
They heart react and neverrespond Tear or triggered.
Speaker 3 (29:51):
Reasonable on their part.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I do that shit all the time.
Somebody will text me somethingreally long and what will
happen is I see it, I getdistracted.
I promise myself I'm going tocircle back, but I want to like
say that I saw it.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
So I heart it.
But what if you sent mesomething long and I hearted it?
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And then you didn't say anything.
I would be like are you good?
You fucking hate me.
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (30:19):
Triggered.
I would be like are you good?
You fucking hate me.
What's happening?
Triggered.
So to me, if I sent a someone,I thought I was really close
with something long and theyjust hearted it.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
I would get anxious, oh totally, I would too.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
I would call you.
Speaker 1 (30:32):
I'd be like what's going on?
Okay, you're with clients, youhate me.
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (30:45):
I think I would different differentiate this
with tier one and tier two.
Tier one, I would be like whythe fuck are you ignoring me,
laura?
This is a crisis, hello.
If it was a tier two and Ithought we were building to tier
one, I'd be like well, abortmission misread this situation
and I'm never going to speak tothem again.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
I hate myself blocking them.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Actually we're done so the closer I am the less
triggered if it's like out hereI'm like whoopsie daisy.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Yeah, I'm pretty relentless.
I feel like if it's a tier oneand you hearted something and I
didn't hear from you, I'dprobably blow you up later.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
They know your coffee order and your childhood trauma
.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
You could go a lot of ways I was like the same there.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
One right.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
You don't have that experience.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
What would it be for you?
Speaker 2 (31:27):
Tier one.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
I mean and I could be literally anyone from my 20s,
Anyone from my 20s.
Speaker 2 (31:34):
I kind of like the coffee would be wrong.
Now, though, that's true.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
My coffee order has changed.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
I have a much more sophisticated palette than just
a chai, vanilla chai obviouslynot like a chai tea, like an
actual, like powdered chaitotally I think it's good for
our listeners that they'reseeing that there is no like
right answer, that we're alllike everybody's situation is
different.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Yes, and everyone's tier definitions are probably
different too.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
I mean, we're right of course, but like you can,
yeah, yeah yeah, clearly.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
You can veer off.
Put this in here.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
You invite them to your holiday party.
They RSVP yes.
Never show, never text Tiernear or disappeared.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
That's a re-evaluation.
Yeah, if I invited you that's atier 2-ish.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Whatever.
For y'all tier 2, for me tier 8, I guess.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
I think I would go like, if that happened, I don't
know, I would check on thatperson.
I would be like are you good?
Speaker 2 (32:39):
Well, I wouldn't host a holiday party, but if I did I
would imagine the no show, notexters would be tier two or
tier three and I wouldn't care.
And if it was a tier one I'd belike are you okay?
Speaker 1 (32:50):
And not in a passive, aggressive way.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
I'd be like are you good, this is unlike you.
That that's exactly right.
I agree with that.
You are winning at this game.
I do like to win.
They were there for yourdivorce, miscarriage, job loss,
but you don't actually laughtogether anymore.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
What that?
Speaker 3 (33:11):
sounds dramatic.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
It sounds like a marriage dip.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
I'm like, is this your spouse?
Speaker 3 (33:22):
Things just evolve right.
I was thinking about thisearlier for some reason, and I
can't remember the exactsituation or who the friend was,
but somebody still would belike, oh yeah, close friend, but
I probably really haven'ttalked to him in a few years Yet
.
It's somebody that used to likeoh hey, here's what's happening
this Friday, like you're comingto my house and whatever.
But so it just evolves.
People get busy, people havekids, people.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
And I think that's kind of you know, I have a
friend that lives in NorthCarolina I hope she's listening
Her name's Megan and she knowsall my stuff and we still do
actually like where we couldmeme each other Like still do
actually like we're we couldmeme each other like we can
legit just send each other stuffon instagram, but she doesn't
all my stuff and I would stillconsider her a top tier friend
(34:04):
because I know if some shit wentdown like we have history.
She's probably the person thatused to call me out the most on
being like.
Why does that person think thaty'all are best friends and you?
Speaker 2 (34:17):
don't know her name.
Speaker 1 (34:18):
Yes, she would call me on my shit.
But so I would say, and I I dolaugh with her, but like not on
the phone.
We haven't talked on the phonein a month or two months maybe
but you would still think eachother were funny people 100% and
we're like she's hilarious.
I've gotten drunk with her onaccident, with champagne and
like a hot tub, because I didn'tknow you could get drunk.
I was like I don't feel this atall, and then I got out and
(34:40):
fell on my face.
Speaker 2 (34:42):
All right, this one.
I think we're going to havetrouble answering because of our
age, but I think it would beimportant to answer for our
20-somethings.
Do they listen?
20-something year olds?
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Yeah, we definitely have 20-somethings.
Speaker 3 (34:54):
We have to at some point let Hunter yell something
into the mic.
He's a 20-something.
Our cameraman's a 20-something.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
That's right, Hunter.
He should answer this question.
Speaker 1 (35:03):
Okay, yeah, you're in for this one All right Hunter.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
They always watch your stories, but never reply to
your texts.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
Honestly, it depends If it is someone who like, if
you're in your 20s.
So if it's like a high schoolfriend who used to be like a
tier one, I would consider themprobably like a two Okay.
But anyone else probably isjust either an acquaintance or
tier three, or they just don'tcare about you Like you care
about them.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
I would call these people my children.
Speaker 3 (35:35):
Thank you, sir.
I'll say this, though, thoughlike I watch people's stories, I
don't even know like, what doyou mean?
Speaker 2 (35:40):
I'm not texting them same, so I found out we might
need hunter on this one againthat a lot of people in their
early 20s, like college age,have a main instagram and then
like a sub instagram.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
Yeah, lila, what's it called multiple spam?
Lilaila's spam.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (35:56):
Like Finsta, but yeah , spam account whatever.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
So I'm thinking, thinking out loud of these
people that must have their likesmaller accounts.
People are watching theirstories and then they aren't
responding to text.
Might be painful.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
If you're not responding to a text, forget the
whole reels or stories thing orwhatever.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
But they don't forget these things.
Speaker 3 (36:22):
I'm just saying, like that is the story is not
responding to a text.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Okay, that makes your tier that design.
Listen, you were born in the1900s and so were we, and it is
a different game now.
Like text is I?
Speaker 2 (36:39):
just feel like I will be sending something to the us
postal service, I mean really,why are you?
Speaker 1 (36:44):
are you not talking to them on snapchat, like, do
you not know how to get in touchwith them?
Do you have snapchat?
Speaker 3 (36:51):
uh, I don't know for the kids like they snap me
exactly my grandmother, likeyeah, like there's like family
snap stuff, that's cute.
I don't even, I don't have, Idon't even know how to use it.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
So, like they snap me Exactly my grandmother, like
yeah, like there's like familysnaps, that's cute.
I don't even have it.
I don't have it, I don't evenknow how to use it.
Okay, we can move on.
They remembered your dog's nameand brought them a treat, but
forgot your birthday.
Honestly, good for them.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
Yeah, can't remember everybody's birthday.
Speaker 2 (37:20):
Oh, I was just oh yeah hunter says tier one, look,
you're pointing at will.
You really know me?
If you love my dog and,honestly, if you forget my
birthday, I'm not upset.
Laura did forget my birthdaythis year I wasn't under a lot
of pressure and I didn't care Iknew you still loved me.
Speaker 1 (37:29):
It's true, you were like are you okay?
Speaker 2 (37:32):
I did give you those socks, you did my brother took
them bitch because he saw them,because we were well, we went to
that event and he's like I'mgonna wear these and then I
never saw them again, butwhatever grateful.
Dead socks, by the way uh, youcried in front of them once and
they offered you gum.
Honestly, that is somethingclose to what will lock me could
(37:53):
do to you, and I love you soyeah, yeah, it's a nice gesture.
It's a near thing.
Speaker 1 (37:59):
Sorry, you feel that way, that's the awkward guy
sitting next to you on the planewho's like oh my God, this
person is crying.
What do I do?
Would you like a piece of gum?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
You're a rarity that I was still cried to.
This is a situation similar tolike I sent someone to text.
Might have misread ourcloseness and if I read that
you're uncomfortable with metrying to disclose something, I
don't feel like I'm a super overshare anymore.
Fingers crossed um, I wouldjust take that as a little
information that we are.
(38:29):
We are on the the lower end ofthat, tier two and three, and we
might just need to just data,just let that data sink in.
We might still be friends andI'm gonna keep keep some of this
stuff to myself.
Speaker 1 (38:39):
OK, so what do we if you're walking through this
right now?
Let's say specifically I thinkthe most harmful of this
scenario is if you thoughtsomeone was super high up in the
tier rank and then you find outthey're not.
Like something happens and it'ssuper disappointing.
What do you say to that person?
How do they adjust withoutneeding to ghost that person?
Speaker 2 (39:01):
To be honest, I would like look at maybe your part,
like were they giving back asmuch as you were putting in?
Like I know what I put into afriendship, I hope I get back
and if I don't, I'm not angry,I'm not bitter, it's just
information.
So I would look at it asinformation and maybe it.
You know, we have a prettyloose term for bound, like loose
(39:25):
meaning of boundary.
We don't think you have to belike I'm putting a boundary in
place.
Maybe you're just more boundary, like, okay, I know we can get
coffee and go on walks or likehang out in big groups, but
these are not my, my core peopleand don't spend any time being
resentful.
I mean, unless they were mean.
But that's not even what we'retalking about.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
No, yeah, I think it's just like misreading it and
I would also say too, like, uh,lean in.
I think sometimes when youmisread a relationship, it gives
you an opportunity to reallyappreciate the ones you do have
that are really high up there.
That you know, like I'm not offon these three or four people
that I know are just like supertight and for some people it's
(40:03):
just one.
Like you know, my son is aboutto move really far away and go
to a school and I told him andhe's like I'm nervous about
meeting people because where Iam I have all these people that
I went to high school with and Iknow them and I'm like you know
what man, you just need one.
So as long as you didn'tmisread the one you had, and if
that's the scenario, book atherapy appointment, find
(40:26):
somebody to talk to about that,because that's really really
hard.
Speaker 2 (40:28):
But I think sometimes misreading it just gives you
some perspective and I would say, if it's the other way, like
someone misread, for you that'san incredibly important place
for boundaries and, for instance, there's a mother of a child in
one of my kids grades and shetexts me, sometimes like at 9,
10, 11 o'clock at night to makeplans for the next day.
(40:50):
And that's just not how Ifunction as a parent.
I'm absolutely asleep and Iresponded and I'm like, hey, I
usually have to make plans thisfar in advance and like I just
have to boundary the stuff, likewe aren't that close to be
making plans At 11pm and that'swhat we're going to do also just
as A heads up on 11pm textersIf you ever text them back, you
(41:13):
just gave them a permission Slip.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I've got a lady in my life that, for real, I do not
text her after 7 pm because Iknow she is hitting the bottle
hard and it's just not going tobe the vibe for me and that's no
offense to her.
Like, get after it, sis, butlike I just know I have a
boundary, I don't text thosepeople.
So if you have somebody who'sdoing, who's crossing a boundary
(41:35):
, always wait and text them whenit is an appropriate time for
you.
Speaker 3 (41:40):
I have a 9 pm to 9 am , unless it's important or just
a silly friend thing.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (41:47):
No texting 9 pm to 9 am, and I'm up way early in the
morning.
Speaker 1 (41:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:51):
And I love like my grandmother texts me or whoever,
early in the morning, it'sgreat.
But like work stuff, I just I'mnot going to text anybody until
9 am because I don't know theirschedule.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
They may want to sleep a little bit.
Yes, agreed, yep, I love that.
Okay, well, if you're goingthrough that and it's hurting
you, we're really sorry.
A lot of compassion around that, but we hope this was funny.
(42:23):
Good yeah, pick up that girlthat sounded funny and fun.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Our jaws were on the ground Before you Cut Bangs is
hosted by Laura Quick and ClaireFeerman and produced by Will
Lockamade.
Speaker 1 (42:33):
Follow along with us everywhere.
Please subscribe to the podcast.
No-transcript.
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