November 1, 2024 • 29 mins
Now that Halloween is over the real spooky season begins for some of us as we step into the holiday gathering season with our families. We are rolling out three ways to approach conversations you don’t want to have (again) and talking through the ones you want to avoid altogether. This episode is all about taking care of yourself and still showing up and enjoying even the most awkward of family gatherings. Let’s eat the turkey, kiss the babies, and avoid the drama!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all.
Unless you want to and it turnsout well, then you can trust us
.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I think I can't introduce it because I don't
have good experience with this,but what we're talking about is
those crazy aunts and sillyuncles and wacky grandmas that
ask you uncomfortable,inappropriate questions during
the holidays.
So we'll talk about how to exitconversations, engage in
conversations and, I guess, keepyour self-worth through the
(01:00):
holidays.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Try to maintain some of those personal boundaries, um
, but we're kicking it off withjust just a fun story.
So a couple weeks ago maybe,like a month or so ago, I went
on a girl's trip to Highlands,north Carolina, and I was over,
served wine at the Airbnb, asone does, and earlier before
dinner we had made a cheese trayand I went to the refrigerator
while we were playing Farkleit's like me and three other
(01:22):
girlfriends and I don't therefrigerator while we were
playing farkel.
It was like me and three othergirlfriends and I don't even.
I've never even heard of farkel, but it was so fun and it was
probably fun, cause you're likea little intoxicated.
But I went to the refrigeratoralone and opened the fridge and
there was a cheese tray.
I pulled out a hunk of cheese,I took a bite and there was a
human tooth in it.
(01:42):
No, a human tooth in it, no, ahuman tooth.
And I start, actually, and Istart imagining the worst case
scenario.
So one of my friends, sarah, isan actual hypochondriac.
Sarah, if you're listening, tostop listening right now,
actually too late.
So I was like I can't tell them.
I can't tell them this becausesomeone has died at the cheese
(02:03):
factory.
I don't actually know howcheese makes it into those cute
blocks, but I know something hadto happen and from the time I
was mortified at therefrigerator, I'm making my way
back to the sofa to continue thegame wait, did your?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
did your teeth touch the teeth tooth?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
no, I like took a bite.
I looked down and I'm like oh,my god God there it is.
Okay, that's good.
And then I realized that I had atemporary crown in my mouth and
it was my tooth that came out,and so, but in this span, which
felt like 15 minutes, wasprobably like 45 seconds of all
(02:40):
these scenarios running throughmy mind, I didn't tell anyone.
I just quietly sat with thealarm of like someone died in
the cheese manufacturing plantto.
I've got a tiny little blacknub in my mouth that's now open
because my crown my fake crownis off of it.
And so that leads me to myquestion for y'all When's the
(03:02):
last time something weirdhappened that you didn't tell
anybody?
You just sat with it?
Have you had anything like thathappen to you?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
well, oddly enough, this is not my answer, so we can
take it or leave it.
But my dad had that happen, butit fell in the uh, it was on
christmas day, happy holidays.
And it fell in in the cutelittle spode coffee creamer and
he's like my tooth is gone andwe're all all day coffee creamer
(03:30):
.
And then I got to the bottomand there it was.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Oh, so gross.
Well, it's like I'm neverdrinking coffee creamer.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
all these teeth are flying out all the time Now this
is going to lead us to like theteeth falling out dreams.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
The teeth, sorry the pits.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
The worst, the worst.
I'm always missing math classand losing teeth still yeah the
nightmares.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Okay, but now we're talking about family stuff.
Like we know, we've heard fromyou guys that obviously
navigating the holidays bringson its own level of anxiety, but
one of the things that we wantto give you some tools around
and funny stories around is justthe idea of like everybody's
family is different.
You might come from a superfunctional, grounded family,
(04:13):
like maybe Claire and Will, whowe know is a Labrador retriever
and grew up perfectly Love thatI don't think we're grounded.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
just to give a caveat .
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Oh okay, there's no such thing as perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
We love when you say that, but we try but it's true.
I know it is true.
Okay, all right.
So let's say functional.
Functional does not mean thatit's perfect.
Functional just means that it'slike, it feels good and normal.
And there's.
What does that mean to you,claire?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Because I feel like I can't say Ooh, I might regret
this, but, like sometimes, likeit wouldn't be odd if someone
tinkled with the door open.
What?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Excuse me.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
If, like, they went to the restroom and left the
door open.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
A child Nope, she's talking about a full grown woman
.
I would say most of the women.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I'm sorry.
It's like we don't even thinkabout it.
It's not like we're walkingaround naked.
I want to be really clear aboutthat.
But we're very comfortable andthere's no question off limits,
but we don't.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It's like this is taking a real turn for me.
Honestly, should I start over?
No, definitely we're leavingthat Keep going.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I'm just saying, for me that would have been like
Look at Will's face is the best.
It was really hard.
Um, in my first marriage myex-husband was like it was
really really hard for him, likehe didn't care for that at all.
It hasn't happened to bobby yetat my parents house, but, um,
oh god, she'd kill me.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
I'm your mom?
Yeah, well, she's.
She's now not within earshot,so Go on.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
My ex-husband walked in on my mother so many times,
jane, that it was like it wasawful.
It happened all the time.
One time she just gotoverheated and she thought we
had all left, so she just tookall her clothes off to cool off.
It was bent over, it wassinking in the kitchen.
(06:08):
It was in a bathroom but it wasa bathroom off the kitchen at
my brother's old house and she'slike bent over and it was like,
oh nezzy, because that's whatwe call her.
But like they were both soembarrassed they never talked
about it again.
So like it's not like we sitand disclose everything and
(06:30):
discuss everything.
We just have fun.
We don't freak out about messes.
There's six kids when we're alltogether at the holidays, like
we just kind of roll with it.
I think instead of groundedit's not like we're all peaceful
, it's comfortable.
It's comfortable, like you cankind of.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I think that's like really interesting because I
love our last holiday together.
That's how it felt with ourboys.
It just felt easy andcomfortable and I think it's
taken a really long time to getinto like a where it doesn't
feel like there needs to be anagenda but there's like enough
traditions we've been doingtogether where it just feels
easy.
And like Clay brought agirlfriend home and like it was
(07:09):
just good.
Yeah Well, I didn't love that.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
I love the girlfriend but I'm in case she's listening
.
I really like you, don't worry,not the vegetarian, um no, not
the vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
That was an annoying friend that he invited without
telling me and if you'relistening you should know that's
inappropriate at this point shecould just listen to any
episode and have heard that yeah, this is you're the.
You're the fourth.
That's the fourth episodeyou've been on ma''am.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
It is actually.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
You need to do some resentment work, laura.
All right well.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I'll be letting go of that.
And experiential therapy.
I think I need to have a nicetalking to with her.
All right, Okay, what about youWill?
What does it feel like to be inyour family during the holidays
?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yeah, it's good, we really enjoy the holidays.
I don't go a lot of times tothe extended family on one side
of my extended family side, justbecause it was just weird and
awkward at times and gotpolitical and whatever.
I was like, yeah, I'm not goingto do that and so I don't want
to.
So I now sometimes will go tosee a couple of people but like
Danielle won't go with me andthe kids won't go, so I just go
(08:09):
for like an hour Because you canhandle it.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
You're resilient, yeah.
So I just go for like an hourCause you can handle it.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
You're resilient, yeah.
And then I always have uh, youknow some which I do
legitimately have something onmy schedule.
I'm like, oh well, it gotta beat this thing at this time.
So great to see everyone, andthat's what, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Okay, so if you're not like them, but I do want to
come back to that where it is abit more discombobulated or
dysfunctional even and maybethere's a lot of like step
parents or that one woman yourdad was married to for a long
(08:43):
time that you still see, orwhatever.
I mean truly, I feel like a lotof people have that scenario.
That dysfunctional could looklike you feel like you need to
be alone through the holidaysbecause it's just so hard, or
maybe you're not being invited,and I just want to take a second
and be really compassionatebecause I know what that feels
like.
That sucks, um, butdysfunctional also could look
like that it is just could be areally good family that is just
(09:06):
politically charged.
We're walking into this reallyweird part of life, or we're in
the middle of this really weirdpart of life where the elections
in days now if you're listeningto this, um, and that people
love to talk about the craziestshit, when really it's the
holidays and we're supposed tobe thankful that we have each
other, and so I think thatthat's a good segue we should
(09:29):
talk about what do you do, evenif you're from the most
traditional, coolest laid-back,comfortable family dynamic, or
do you do even if you're fromthe most traditional, coolest,
laid back, comfortable familydynamic, or if maybe you feel
like you're on the dysfunctionalside?
What do you do if somebody asksyou something so inappropriate
or they are probing you, or aconversation comes up probing
you?
She's literally aseven-year-old.
(09:52):
I can't.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
She's like hi for a good time, okay.
So what do we do?
Clear, well get.
I want to hear an example.
All right, so he has, well,yeah so I just realized this.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
So it's not my family , uh, but let's just say one of
my wife's families.
Just recently so, okay, it'sdaniel.
So recently we met, uh, some ofher cousins and I had not met
them.
We don't see a lot of herfamily, a ton and they were all
super nice, really had, for themost part, a great time, but
(10:28):
they just went.
Let I'll say it was this.
Let's say that I went to auburn, right, and they went to
alabama.
It's like they came up to meand were like, wow, isn't auburn
just the worst piece of crapschool ever?
Can you imagine any idiot goingthere?
But and not even not asking,just assuming that I had gone to
(10:50):
alabama and was like a bigAlabama fan.
The assumption, the assumption,and they just went full steam
ahead.
And so it was to the pointwhere we had to like, check out
and be like, well, this was nicemeeting you guys in this
different state, but we're goingto have to.
But it was about the presidentMaybe.
Yes, it could have been aboutthe president.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
We can't just pussyfoot around here.
I agree, I Maybe.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Yes, it could have been about the president, you
can't just pussyfoot around here, I know I just uh the stuff.
Some of the stuff they said wasso egregious I would not even
repeat it.
Repeat it.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
So okay.
So let's just use a politicalsituation.
Let's just say you're in a roomwith your family extended
family and someone does that.
They walk up to you, assume,not knowing where you are
politically, not asking, notbeing curious, but making an
assumption that you must justbelieve what they believe.
And they are so condescendingor even downright mean about it,
(11:42):
about who they believe and how.
If you believe anything otherthan that you must just be the
dumbest person in the world.
Where do we go from there?
Speaker 2 (11:49):
what's happening in that scenario?
Well, I'm going to just stickwith the election piece, because
then we'll get into otherspecifics.
But this one's so polarizinglike there's no undecided voter
right like right now.
I mean that would be wild to methey sure say that there are.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
But whatever I know people that don't follow it.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Or people that don't feel like they have a candidate,
which I do think that there isa large part of that.
That's just kind of like how doI make a good decision?
Because I don't think there's agood decision to make and I
have friends that are there thatkind of feel like holy shit, I
don't feel like I could make agood decision.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
See, I'm making assumptions.
I'm voting for.
People feel they, they want youto agree.
It feels really safe, reallycomforting.
It feels like aligning, and sothat's why we do this.
There's like this sense ofsafety.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
If you think what I think, okay so if that happens,
so let's say, somebody walks upto you and they're, they're
going for it.
They're like anybody who's notvoting for so-and-so is a real
big piece of shit and whatever.
Speaker 3 (13:00):
I just didn't give a direct answer to any of it.
I just did a lot of ah, thatkind of stuff and never actually
said words, just a lot of howabout that Kind, that kind of
like whatever, and never putsentences together and then
would like be like, oh squirrel,look over there and then change
the subject, and then, ofcourse, I'd come back.
But I would do the same thingover and over until I was just
(13:20):
exhausted with it was like hey,we gotta go okay.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
So I think there's three ways and we'll go with
yours as the first one.
That's like the neutraldisengager, right, like there's
no firm boundary set.
It's more, more, just likeinteresting.
That's something I hadn'tthought about before.
And what about?
What Do I want turkey fordinner?
Like you can Are you a turkeyperson?
Or ham?
I think there's this bigmovement of like fuck your
(13:44):
family if they don't respectyour boundaries.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Well, and also just generally generationally
speaking.
You have to understand too, ifyou're walking into a room and
there's three-year-olds butthere's also 85-year-olds.
There's just a level ofinvolvement that some of them
have that the others are notgoing to, and what we don't want
to do is tell you to fuck yourfamily right.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Yeah, so we have the will, the neutral disengager,
which, if you feel comfortablein that, that's a great thing.
We don't have to say everythingthat pops into our head, okay?
The second one is the personthat would like engage because
they like that and there'snothing wrong with that.
Like my uncle is going toengage if someone says something
(14:27):
about trump, like he will ripyou a new one shamelessly.
And I'm just melting in thecorner.
In fact, my family doesn'tlisten so I can say this Bobby
voted for Trump one time and Iwas like from the depths of my
soul.
I was like I beg you to nevertell my family that Like, if
(14:49):
they have a gun to your head,lie, like you cannot ever share.
Share that, because my familywill they're the open minded
liberals, you know that willjust like rip you a new one.
And I'm like wait, everybodycan have a thought so you can
engage if you want to engage.
And then you have the boundarysetter.
That's like hey, I'm here forthis reason.
(15:10):
I really don't feel comfortabletalking about this at all.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Okay, so we have the neutral disengagement, which is
kind of will like, ooh, ah, asquirrel.
Then we have the directresponder, which is somebody
like that's a person whoprobably doesn't mind debating,
even if it won't be educationalin nature, Like even if they're
not really informed enough todebate.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Dunning-Kruger effect .
Yeah, the less they know, themore they think they know.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
And then there's the third one, which we feel like is
the boundary setter right?
That's the person who is okaysaying hey, I can see that you
want to talk about politics.
I'm here just to hang out withmy family and I'd prefer we not
talk about politics.
I'm here just to hang out withmy family and I'd prefer we not
talk about that.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
All of these are based on your distress,
tolerance and what you feel likedoing, and so, even if two
people you have, two debatersthat are like comfortable,
they're not going to change.
No one's going to change yourmind at the Thanksgiving table,
by the way, but if they areengaging and you're sitting
there, I would encourage you,like, if you can't tolerate it,
(16:16):
you get up and go wash somedishes or see what it's like, to
just like sit there.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Who cares?
Hey, I will say, there'ssomething about increasing your
tolerance for discomfort.
I mean, I will say I think Willhas a really high tolerance.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
He has no interest in it.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
But you have a high tolerance for discomfort because
if you can sit there and go, oh, ah, whatever, while they're
going on a rant without sayingsomething back.
I mean is a big deal.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
That means you have a really big threshold for
discomfort, I would put money onhis body was like shutting down
okay.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Well, that takes us to this.
I feel like we need to talkabout another scenario that's
come up when we've askedquestions.
As you go to this holiday and,let's say, you're a 35, 37 year
old single female, never beenmarried, and your mom, your dad
put a little pressure on you,they're like ready for grandkids
, they want you to be married,they're looking, they want you
(17:13):
to have the right person, butthen also aunts, uncles, cousins
, are also joining in in thisconversation that, while you can
normally avoid it, now all of asudden there's like 30 set up.
There's 30 of them and there'sone of you.
And that scenario of just likenow, when are you gonna get
married?
And why haven't you're sopretty?
Why haven't you met a goodperson?
Speaker 3 (17:33):
it's so cliche at this point, like all of these
things, the when you're gonnahave kids and all the personal
questions that you'd think likeit's a like.
Nobody actually says thesethings anymore.
Right, but they do no they dooh, I know I'm sure they do,
just to me.
It's like from the outside it'slike it's an snl skit, like how
do they?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
okay.
So we were I'm not kidding innew york a couple of months ago,
sitting at this beautifuloutdoor patio beside these, I'm
telling you two of the mostgorgeous women I hope they're
listening mel charlotte, theyliterally look like sex in the
city characters.
Okay, they were talking abouthow their moms put all this
pressure on them and that theywere worried because they were
going home and they were kind ofcommiserating about that.
(18:13):
So it is something that's stillhappening.
So then, what?
What do we do About your moms?
Well, about your whole familypiling on to this scenario.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Well, I would just prepare for it, like I just
don't think it would be in yourinterest to be like before I get
there.
Here's the 17 topics I'mwilling to talk about.
It's just not, it's going tohappen.
So prepare for the distress.
I mean, if you know that, likeAunt Susie is going to dip into
the eggnog and set you up withBen in the accounting department
(18:42):
you know where she's aparalegal or whatever like have
some humor around it.
I mean, this is like the age oldthing, and I think I even
probably engage in it in thisway.
Sometimes you just we want tograsp for the obvious when we
haven't seen someone for a longtime or we don't know them at a
deep level.
So if I see someone and they'regraduating college, I'm of
(19:04):
course asking where are youthinking about going to school?
You know what your major isgoing to be and I'm like please
stop asking the same question.
Every other person, 25 and up,has asked this high schooler.
So that's what we do.
We like grasp for the lowhanging fruit.
That's what the holidays arefor?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah, I also think that comes back to like just
adjusting your expectations.
If you walk in and already knowthat's what they do to you,
they pile on.
You can be ready with somefunny, quirky comebacks of like
actually, guys, I knew you wouldbe asking this.
I've already downloaded thisapp.
Swipe on anybody you want to.
I can't wait for you to seewho's out here.
And I will say, like I'mkidding, I mean, maybe that's a
(19:44):
bad idea.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was the one, to be honest, that ruined the Fearmint
holidays.
It was always me, because Iused to have this like box of
perfection, like Christmasneeded to do.
We had to do it the same wayevery year the cookies of this,
that, and if it went off course,it like really rattled me,
which is the whole childhoodthing we don't need to get into.
But my expectations haveadjusted with six kids.
(20:08):
I don't have six, I only havetwo of them, but six kids are
there under 10.
It's not going to look the sameand there are things that I can
expect.
It's going to be loud, it'sgoing to be messy.
My mom still wants to use thechina and silver that you have
to hand wash and while it'sbeautiful, I'm like so the
seven-year-old does not give ashit that she's eating on the
(20:29):
china and you know who's washingit me, I mean with everybody
else.
And then when we, after we'vehand washed it, after the silver
is soaked, do y'all know whatyou do after you dry?
Hand dry your silver?
Speaker 3 (20:41):
I do not you count it ?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
yes, you have to, because you have to count it.
Make sure you have every piecebefore you put it back up and
the velvet box in the velvet box, you have to, okay, and if
you're not from the south, it'swhat we do, okay, so, like I
just adjusted my expectations,no matter what I say, we are
using this china.
It is so special to her andthis is just such a blip on our
radar, like these are blips onyour radar and I'm I'm feel like
(21:07):
most people saying this stuffare telling you set a boundary,
disengage, don't go.
And I think what we're tellingyou is like lighten up a little
bit.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
Lighten up or hey, bring some like boxed up content
that you are willing to talkabout.
I love to just be like hey, youknow what, what, what are you
hopeful for for the rest of thisyear?
Like are you going anywhere?
Cool for the rest of this year,are you taking a trip?
Okay, that, that one's good,never correct me guys that first
one both of us have visceralreactions.
(21:37):
You know how we are, I know, andI think it's really holding
y'all back in life honestly, butI mean, where are you going on
your next trip?
Or hey, what's the last tripthat you went on that you loved?
Can you give me a list like?
Speaker 3 (21:49):
except the list part.
But yeah, everything else isgood right?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
yeah, yeah.
Or you know how.
About grocery prices?
You know we have all kinds.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
You know you can talk about, you can always talk
about the weather with anyone ofalmost any age.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Unless they're under, like seven, they don't care and
if someone brings up trump,just bring up alabama football.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's been a rough season that will derail them
immediately and I think thatthat's a really good thank you
thing to realize.
No, truly, because if you'renot comfortable with this
subject, it's okay to change toa different controversial
subject that you don't care asmuch about.
Like, if you don't, yeah, care,throw out football.
(22:25):
They'll talk about itincessantly, especially if
you're in the south, for sure,but like what else?
What's another subject that youcan throw out?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
yeah, I don't mind that idea of throwing out a
different, like controversialyeah, or something that'd be fun
to talk about yeah, so like,obviously, travel is a good one,
it's easy.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Almost everybody has done it to some degree.
Kids you can always talk aboutkids, oh yes, not controversial,
but people love them ask abouttheir kids.
Ask about, uh, your nieces,your nephews, the grandkids.
If you have kids, start talkingabout your kids like it's a
great segue, subject change andlike you can always talk about
(23:04):
positive things about otherpeople's children and back to
those nice ladies that you saw,those beautiful women, the more
we so connecting and likecommiserating is a really nice
place to start.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Like you get to go unload that in this safe, fun
place and then don't take thatin with you.
If you come in like ruminatingon it, like bracing for impact,
you're gonna have a bad time andso find a place to put it.
I bitch about my mom on apodcast.
Have a bad time and so find aplace to put it.
I bitch about my mom on thepodcast.
You know like I find safetyhere and then we have a great
(23:37):
relationship.
But really like mom and I don'tget along all the time but like
I go deal with it, change myexpectations and enjoy the parts
that I can.
Y'all they're enjoyable piecesin families, not all, I mean.
I know I have to give goddamndisclaimers all the time, but
hold on.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
There is even in the dysfunctional ones.
I have a family group text withjust my siblings and it is
hilarious and they're alwayssharing like the craziest shit.
My brother literally text lastnight about some stuff I could
never say publicly that my daddid, but ultimately it's funny
and it's also a safe place.
(24:11):
They know that we get it, weunderstand and so you can say
whatever you need to.
But when we see them at theholidays, which obviously have a
four hour limit probably on howlong I can spend with them for
the whole year but I'm going tosee them and I'm going to make
the decision before I see themfor that hour and a half, two
hours that it's going to be agood time and I'm going to keep
the subject matter light.
(24:32):
I'm not going to talk aboutanything that makes me
uncomfortable, I'm going to keepit like oh, you've got a new
tractor, love that for you.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I think that's great.
My friend Will knows how todrive one of those Yep.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
You know, my friend Will almost died under a big
tractor Tractors are dangerous.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
I like that answer, laura.
I mean definitely just beinglike hey look, I'm doing this
and it's going to be okay,because I'm going to just make
it okay.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Yeah, if I stay, okay , everything's okay.
But if you don't stay, okay, ifyou go in with the anxiety of
what might happen, me and mysister always call each other
and we run down the five things,the worst case scenario that
could possibly happen with ourfamily.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
God y'all love a list .
Speaker 1 (25:16):
But listen, when it doesn't happen, we're always
like damn, that was really good.
Because, like I think, if youjust dump out the craziest shit,
that could possibly happen andthen when it doesn't, you're
like you know I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Okay, so let's go back to those lovely ladies in
New York and I like what theydid.
So they went to dinner beforeboth going to see their mom.
So you get to connect,commiserate and dump.
Okay.
My hope for them is that theygot to go home without carrying
that energy.
Like that's the hope, right Iswe have this safe place to
contain our bullshit.
(25:43):
Okay, with someone we can like,laugh, vent to, and then you
get to go home and leave it, orgo visit mom, go visit dad, go
do whatever without carrying theick with you well, and they
definitely left not carrying theick because we interrupted
their dinner and had them talkto us about it too, but I do
think they were.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Healthy friendship looks like you dump it all out
and then you leave it.
You don't sit in it forever.
That's the whole point.
Don't forget your friends thatmaybe come from more
dysfunctional backgrounds ormaybe they're not going to see
their family, even if theirfamily just lives really far
away.
This is a great time to invitesomebody into your space and let
them see you're kind of crazyCause we all have a little crazy
(26:25):
around the holidays and you'llbe with Claire polishing silver
If, if you come to the Fairmans.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
I don't polish I just dry it and count it All right.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
So I was in a lunch meeting recently and this lady
said y'all, the other day Irealized all of my silver is
gone.
Nothing else from her house,just all of her silver.
$ gone, nothing else from herhouse, just all of her silver.
Fifteen thousand dollars worthof silver.
I said I was like, look, Idon't think someone broke into
your house and took that.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
I was like this is someone you know, ma'am, I was
like someone was in your house.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
While you were like, you were aware that they were in
your house and it could havebeen who's she having over?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
you know, that's what I'm saying.
Like which one of your familymembers was it insured?
I don't think so it should be arider on your policy.
But also you need to knowthere's always what about a
cousin that's just really madthat you got grandma silver it?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
could have been.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Now she's this lady's like 75, 80.
It could have been insured, Idon't know, but she definitely
was pretty distraught about it.
So we spent the rest of thatlunch meeting like going over
cameras and I was like I'll comeand install them for you.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Of course you said that because I would.
I don't we know, I know that'sthe best part, but also here's
what was going to happen.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
She was just going to call a security company and
then spend fifteen thousanddollars on a bunch of I mean.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
I'm making that number up, but she was going to
get I mean I don't know I thinkwe legit have have spent like it
is insanely expensive to havecameras installed.
My brother helped us, which hasbeen great, but also like the
alarm that goes off and stuff.
I was like you don't need that.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Your cameras are the alarm.
It's going to pop up on yourphone every time somebody's
there and you have a record ofit, and whatever it's like,
we'll do this.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Okay, so one make sure you check in on your silver
if you have some yep, I don'tthink mine's.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
On my insurance policy you should add it as a
rider.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
It's part of your contents, but it should be a
rider if it's very expensive andmost of it is um.
And then there's these three tofour takeaways right, so you can
neutrally disengage.
You can just say, oh, asquirrel like will.
You can direct response.
You can go hand to hand, battlecontact if you want to.
You know like.
Debate them If you're reallyfeeling up to it.
(28:29):
You're probably going to makeother people uncomfortable, but
you do, you.
And then, of course, you can bea boundary setter.
You can say, hey, I don'treally want to talk about this,
let's move on to the nextsubject.
And then you can just makethose subject changes kids,
plants, weather, last vacationyou took you know and adjust
your expectations.
Don't be afraid to lower thebar.
You can go in and know as longas you're okay, everything's
(28:51):
gonna be okay.
Hey, thank you guys forlistening.
We love having you here.
We're so happy to be back forseason two.
Please give us a review, shareus with your friends and if you
ever want to reach out and youhave a topic you want us to
cover or something that you'rejust wondering about, let us
know topic you want us to coveror something that you're just
wondering about.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Let us know Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by
Claire Fehrman and Laura Quickand produced by me, will Ockamy
the best.
Welcome to, before you Cut Bangs.
I'm Laura Quick and I'm ClaireFehrman.
I am a professional storytellerand I'm currently working on my
first book.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I have worked in mental health for many years in
lots of capacities and this is areally important time to tell
you our big disclaimer this isnot therapy.
We are not your therapists orcoaches or anything like that.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
Yeah, I mean you shouldn't really trust us very
much at all.
Unless you want to and it turnsout well, then you can trust us
.
That's great.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
I think I can't introduce it because I don't
have good experience with this,but what we're talking about is
those crazy aunts and sillyuncles and wacky grandmas that
ask you uncomfortable,inappropriate questions during
the holidays.
So we'll talk about how to exitconversations, engage in
conversations and, I guess, keepyour self-worth through the
(01:00):
holidays.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Try to maintain some of those personal boundaries, um
, but we're kicking it off withjust just a fun story.
So a couple weeks ago maybe,like a month or so ago, I went
on a girl's trip to Highlands,north Carolina, and I was over,
served wine at the Airbnb, asone does, and earlier before
dinner we had made a cheese trayand I went to the refrigerator
while we were playing Farkleit's like me and three other
(01:22):
girlfriends and I don't therefrigerator while we were
playing farkel.
It was like me and three othergirlfriends and I don't even.
I've never even heard of farkel, but it was so fun and it was
probably fun, cause you're likea little intoxicated.
But I went to the refrigeratoralone and opened the fridge and
there was a cheese tray.
I pulled out a hunk of cheese,I took a bite and there was a
human tooth in it.
(01:42):
No, a human tooth in it, no, ahuman tooth.
And I start, actually, and Istart imagining the worst case
scenario.
So one of my friends, sarah, isan actual hypochondriac.
Sarah, if you're listening, tostop listening right now,
actually too late.
So I was like I can't tell them.
I can't tell them this becausesomeone has died at the cheese
(02:03):
factory.
I don't actually know howcheese makes it into those cute
blocks, but I know something hadto happen and from the time I
was mortified at therefrigerator, I'm making my way
back to the sofa to continue thegame wait, did your?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
did your teeth touch the teeth tooth?
Speaker 1 (02:20):
no, I like took a bite.
I looked down and I'm like oh,my god God there it is.
Okay, that's good.
And then I realized that I had atemporary crown in my mouth and
it was my tooth that came out,and so, but in this span, which
felt like 15 minutes, wasprobably like 45 seconds of all
(02:40):
these scenarios running throughmy mind, I didn't tell anyone.
I just quietly sat with thealarm of like someone died in
the cheese manufacturing plantto.
I've got a tiny little blacknub in my mouth that's now open
because my crown my fake crownis off of it.
And so that leads me to myquestion for y'all When's the
(03:02):
last time something weirdhappened that you didn't tell
anybody?
You just sat with it?
Have you had anything like thathappen to you?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
well, oddly enough, this is not my answer, so we can
take it or leave it.
But my dad had that happen, butit fell in the uh, it was on
christmas day, happy holidays.
And it fell in in the cutelittle spode coffee creamer and
he's like my tooth is gone andwe're all all day coffee creamer
(03:30):
.
And then I got to the bottomand there it was.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Oh, so gross.
Well, it's like I'm neverdrinking coffee creamer.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
all these teeth are flying out all the time Now this
is going to lead us to like theteeth falling out dreams.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
The teeth, sorry the pits.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
The worst, the worst.
I'm always missing math classand losing teeth still yeah the
nightmares.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
Okay, but now we're talking about family stuff.
Like we know, we've heard fromyou guys that obviously
navigating the holidays bringson its own level of anxiety, but
one of the things that we wantto give you some tools around
and funny stories around is justthe idea of like everybody's
family is different.
You might come from a superfunctional, grounded family,
(04:13):
like maybe Claire and Will, whowe know is a Labrador retriever
and grew up perfectly Love thatI don't think we're grounded.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
just to give a caveat .
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Oh okay, there's no such thing as perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
We love when you say that, but we try but it's true.
I know it is true.
Okay, all right.
So let's say functional.
Functional does not mean thatit's perfect.
Functional just means that it'slike, it feels good and normal.
And there's.
What does that mean to you,claire?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
Because I feel like I can't say Ooh, I might regret
this, but, like sometimes, likeit wouldn't be odd if someone
tinkled with the door open.
What?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Excuse me.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
If, like, they went to the restroom and left the
door open.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
A child Nope, she's talking about a full grown woman
.
I would say most of the women.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
I'm sorry.
It's like we don't even thinkabout it.
It's not like we're walkingaround naked.
I want to be really clear aboutthat.
But we're very comfortable andthere's no question off limits,
but we don't.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It's like this is taking a real turn for me.
Honestly, should I start over?
No, definitely we're leavingthat Keep going.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
I'm just saying, for me that would have been like
Look at Will's face is the best.
It was really hard.
Um, in my first marriage myex-husband was like it was
really really hard for him, likehe didn't care for that at all.
It hasn't happened to bobby yetat my parents house, but, um,
oh god, she'd kill me.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
I'm your mom?
Yeah, well, she's.
She's now not within earshot,so Go on.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
My ex-husband walked in on my mother so many times,
jane, that it was like it wasawful.
It happened all the time.
One time she just gotoverheated and she thought we
had all left, so she just tookall her clothes off to cool off.
It was bent over, it wassinking in the kitchen.
(06:08):
It was in a bathroom but it wasa bathroom off the kitchen at
my brother's old house and she'slike bent over and it was like,
oh nezzy, because that's whatwe call her.
But like they were both soembarrassed they never talked
about it again.
So like it's not like we sitand disclose everything and
(06:30):
discuss everything.
We just have fun.
We don't freak out about messes.
There's six kids when we're alltogether at the holidays, like
we just kind of roll with it.
I think instead of groundedit's not like we're all peaceful
, it's comfortable.
It's comfortable, like you cankind of.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
I think that's like really interesting because I
love our last holiday together.
That's how it felt with ourboys.
It just felt easy andcomfortable and I think it's
taken a really long time to getinto like a where it doesn't
feel like there needs to be anagenda but there's like enough
traditions we've been doingtogether where it just feels
easy.
And like Clay brought agirlfriend home and like it was
(07:09):
just good.
Yeah Well, I didn't love that.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
I love the girlfriend but I'm in case she's listening
.
I really like you, don't worry,not the vegetarian, um no, not
the vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
That was an annoying friend that he invited without
telling me and if you'relistening you should know that's
inappropriate at this point shecould just listen to any
episode and have heard that yeah, this is you're the.
You're the fourth.
That's the fourth episodeyou've been on ma''am.
Speaker 3 (07:32):
It is actually.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
You need to do some resentment work, laura.
All right well.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I'll be letting go of that.
And experiential therapy.
I think I need to have a nicetalking to with her.
All right, Okay, what about youWill?
What does it feel like to be inyour family during the holidays
?
Speaker 3 (07:46):
Yeah, it's good, we really enjoy the holidays.
I don't go a lot of times tothe extended family on one side
of my extended family side, justbecause it was just weird and
awkward at times and gotpolitical and whatever.
I was like, yeah, I'm not goingto do that and so I don't want
to.
So I now sometimes will go tosee a couple of people but like
Danielle won't go with me andthe kids won't go, so I just go
(08:09):
for like an hour Because you canhandle it.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
You're resilient, yeah.
So I just go for like an hourCause you can handle it.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
You're resilient, yeah.
And then I always have uh, youknow some which I do
legitimately have something onmy schedule.
I'm like, oh well, it gotta beat this thing at this time.
So great to see everyone, andthat's what, yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Okay, so if you're not like them, but I do want to
come back to that where it is abit more discombobulated or
dysfunctional even and maybethere's a lot of like step
parents or that one woman yourdad was married to for a long
(08:43):
time that you still see, orwhatever.
I mean truly, I feel like a lotof people have that scenario.
That dysfunctional could looklike you feel like you need to
be alone through the holidaysbecause it's just so hard, or
maybe you're not being invited,and I just want to take a second
and be really compassionatebecause I know what that feels
like.
That sucks, um, butdysfunctional also could look
like that it is just could be areally good family that is just
(09:06):
politically charged.
We're walking into this reallyweird part of life, or we're in
the middle of this really weirdpart of life where the elections
in days now if you're listeningto this, um, and that people
love to talk about the craziestshit, when really it's the
holidays and we're supposed tobe thankful that we have each
other, and so I think thatthat's a good segue we should
(09:29):
talk about what do you do, evenif you're from the most
traditional, coolest laid-back,comfortable family dynamic, or
do you do even if you're fromthe most traditional, coolest,
laid back, comfortable familydynamic, or if maybe you feel
like you're on the dysfunctionalside?
What do you do if somebody asksyou something so inappropriate
or they are probing you, or aconversation comes up probing
you?
She's literally aseven-year-old.
(09:52):
I can't.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
She's like hi for a good time, okay.
So what do we do?
Clear, well get.
I want to hear an example.
All right, so he has, well,yeah so I just realized this.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
So it's not my family , uh, but let's just say one of
my wife's families.
Just recently so, okay, it'sdaniel.
So recently we met, uh, some ofher cousins and I had not met
them.
We don't see a lot of herfamily, a ton and they were all
super nice, really had, for themost part, a great time, but
(10:28):
they just went.
Let I'll say it was this.
Let's say that I went to auburn, right, and they went to
alabama.
It's like they came up to meand were like, wow, isn't auburn
just the worst piece of crapschool ever?
Can you imagine any idiot goingthere?
But and not even not asking,just assuming that I had gone to
(10:50):
alabama and was like a bigAlabama fan.
The assumption, the assumption,and they just went full steam
ahead.
And so it was to the pointwhere we had to like, check out
and be like, well, this was nicemeeting you guys in this
different state, but we're goingto have to.
But it was about the presidentMaybe.
Yes, it could have been aboutthe president.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
We can't just pussyfoot around here.
I agree, I Maybe.
Speaker 3 (11:13):
Yes, it could have been about the president, you
can't just pussyfoot around here, I know I just uh the stuff.
Some of the stuff they said wasso egregious I would not even
repeat it.
Repeat it.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
So okay.
So let's just use a politicalsituation.
Let's just say you're in a roomwith your family extended
family and someone does that.
They walk up to you, assume,not knowing where you are
politically, not asking, notbeing curious, but making an
assumption that you must justbelieve what they believe.
And they are so condescendingor even downright mean about it,
(11:42):
about who they believe and how.
If you believe anything otherthan that you must just be the
dumbest person in the world.
Where do we go from there?
Speaker 2 (11:49):
what's happening in that scenario?
Well, I'm going to just stickwith the election piece, because
then we'll get into otherspecifics.
But this one's so polarizinglike there's no undecided voter
right like right now.
I mean that would be wild to methey sure say that there are.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
But whatever I know people that don't follow it.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Or people that don't feel like they have a candidate,
which I do think that there isa large part of that.
That's just kind of like how doI make a good decision?
Because I don't think there's agood decision to make and I
have friends that are there thatkind of feel like holy shit, I
don't feel like I could make agood decision.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
See, I'm making assumptions.
I'm voting for.
People feel they, they want youto agree.
It feels really safe, reallycomforting.
It feels like aligning, and sothat's why we do this.
There's like this sense ofsafety.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
If you think what I think, okay so if that happens,
so let's say, somebody walks upto you and they're, they're
going for it.
They're like anybody who's notvoting for so-and-so is a real
big piece of shit and whatever.
Speaker 3 (13:00):
I just didn't give a direct answer to any of it.
I just did a lot of ah, thatkind of stuff and never actually
said words, just a lot of howabout that Kind, that kind of
like whatever, and never putsentences together and then
would like be like, oh squirrel,look over there and then change
the subject, and then, ofcourse, I'd come back.
But I would do the same thingover and over until I was just
(13:20):
exhausted with it was like hey,we gotta go okay.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
So I think there's three ways and we'll go with
yours as the first one.
That's like the neutraldisengager, right, like there's
no firm boundary set.
It's more, more, just likeinteresting.
That's something I hadn'tthought about before.
And what about?
What Do I want turkey fordinner?
Like you can Are you a turkeyperson?
Or ham?
I think there's this bigmovement of like fuck your
(13:44):
family if they don't respectyour boundaries.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
Well, and also just generally generationally
speaking.
You have to understand too, ifyou're walking into a room and
there's three-year-olds butthere's also 85-year-olds.
There's just a level ofinvolvement that some of them
have that the others are notgoing to, and what we don't want
to do is tell you to fuck yourfamily right.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Yeah, so we have the will, the neutral disengager,
which, if you feel comfortablein that, that's a great thing.
We don't have to say everythingthat pops into our head, okay?
The second one is the personthat would like engage because
they like that and there'snothing wrong with that.
Like my uncle is going toengage if someone says something
(14:27):
about trump, like he will ripyou a new one shamelessly.
And I'm just melting in thecorner.
In fact, my family doesn'tlisten so I can say this Bobby
voted for Trump one time and Iwas like from the depths of my
soul.
I was like I beg you to nevertell my family that Like, if
(14:49):
they have a gun to your head,lie, like you cannot ever share.
Share that, because my familywill they're the open minded
liberals, you know that willjust like rip you a new one.
And I'm like wait, everybodycan have a thought so you can
engage if you want to engage.
And then you have the boundarysetter.
That's like hey, I'm here forthis reason.
(15:10):
I really don't feel comfortabletalking about this at all.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Okay, so we have the neutral disengagement, which is
kind of will like, ooh, ah, asquirrel.
Then we have the directresponder, which is somebody
like that's a person whoprobably doesn't mind debating,
even if it won't be educationalin nature, Like even if they're
not really informed enough todebate.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Dunning-Kruger effect .
Yeah, the less they know, themore they think they know.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
And then there's the third one, which we feel like is
the boundary setter right?
That's the person who is okaysaying hey, I can see that you
want to talk about politics.
I'm here just to hang out withmy family and I'd prefer we not
talk about politics.
I'm here just to hang out withmy family and I'd prefer we not
talk about that.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
All of these are based on your distress,
tolerance and what you feel likedoing, and so, even if two
people you have, two debatersthat are like comfortable,
they're not going to change.
No one's going to change yourmind at the Thanksgiving table,
by the way, but if they areengaging and you're sitting
there, I would encourage you,like, if you can't tolerate it,
(16:16):
you get up and go wash somedishes or see what it's like, to
just like sit there.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Who cares?
Hey, I will say, there'ssomething about increasing your
tolerance for discomfort.
I mean, I will say I think Willhas a really high tolerance.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
He has no interest in it.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
But you have a high tolerance for discomfort because
if you can sit there and go, oh, ah, whatever, while they're
going on a rant without sayingsomething back.
I mean is a big deal.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
That means you have a really big threshold for
discomfort, I would put money onhis body was like shutting down
okay.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Well, that takes us to this.
I feel like we need to talkabout another scenario that's
come up when we've askedquestions.
As you go to this holiday and,let's say, you're a 35, 37 year
old single female, never beenmarried, and your mom, your dad
put a little pressure on you,they're like ready for grandkids
, they want you to be married,they're looking, they want you
(17:13):
to have the right person, butthen also aunts, uncles, cousins
, are also joining in in thisconversation that, while you can
normally avoid it, now all of asudden there's like 30 set up.
There's 30 of them and there'sone of you.
And that scenario of just likenow, when are you gonna get
married?
And why haven't you're sopretty?
Why haven't you met a goodperson?
Speaker 3 (17:33):
it's so cliche at this point, like all of these
things, the when you're gonnahave kids and all the personal
questions that you'd think likeit's a like.
Nobody actually says thesethings anymore.
Right, but they do no they dooh, I know I'm sure they do,
just to me.
It's like from the outside it'slike it's an snl skit, like how
do they?
Speaker 1 (17:51):
okay.
So we were I'm not kidding innew york a couple of months ago,
sitting at this beautifuloutdoor patio beside these, I'm
telling you two of the mostgorgeous women I hope they're
listening mel charlotte, theyliterally look like sex in the
city characters.
Okay, they were talking abouthow their moms put all this
pressure on them and that theywere worried because they were
going home and they were kind ofcommiserating about that.
(18:13):
So it is something that's stillhappening.
So then, what?
What do we do About your moms?
Well, about your whole familypiling on to this scenario.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Well, I would just prepare for it, like I just
don't think it would be in yourinterest to be like before I get
there.
Here's the 17 topics I'mwilling to talk about.
It's just not, it's going tohappen.
So prepare for the distress.
I mean, if you know that, likeAunt Susie is going to dip into
the eggnog and set you up withBen in the accounting department
(18:42):
you know where she's aparalegal or whatever like have
some humor around it.
I mean, this is like the age oldthing, and I think I even
probably engage in it in thisway.
Sometimes you just we want tograsp for the obvious when we
haven't seen someone for a longtime or we don't know them at a
deep level.
So if I see someone and they'regraduating college, I'm of
(19:04):
course asking where are youthinking about going to school?
You know what your major isgoing to be and I'm like please
stop asking the same question.
Every other person, 25 and up,has asked this high schooler.
So that's what we do.
We like grasp for the lowhanging fruit.
That's what the holidays arefor?
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Yeah, I also think that comes back to like just
adjusting your expectations.
If you walk in and already knowthat's what they do to you,
they pile on.
You can be ready with somefunny, quirky comebacks of like
actually, guys, I knew you wouldbe asking this.
I've already downloaded thisapp.
Swipe on anybody you want to.
I can't wait for you to seewho's out here.
And I will say, like I'mkidding, I mean, maybe that's a
(19:44):
bad idea.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
I was the one, to be honest, that ruined the Fearmint
holidays.
It was always me, because Iused to have this like box of
perfection, like Christmasneeded to do.
We had to do it the same wayevery year the cookies of this,
that, and if it went off course,it like really rattled me,
which is the whole childhoodthing we don't need to get into.
But my expectations haveadjusted with six kids.
(20:08):
I don't have six, I only havetwo of them, but six kids are
there under 10.
It's not going to look the sameand there are things that I can
expect.
It's going to be loud, it'sgoing to be messy.
My mom still wants to use thechina and silver that you have
to hand wash and while it'sbeautiful, I'm like so the
seven-year-old does not give ashit that she's eating on the
(20:29):
china and you know who's washingit me, I mean with everybody
else.
And then when we, after we'vehand washed it, after the silver
is soaked, do y'all know whatyou do after you dry?
Hand dry your silver?
Speaker 3 (20:41):
I do not you count it ?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
yes, you have to, because you have to count it.
Make sure you have every piecebefore you put it back up and
the velvet box in the velvet box, you have to, okay, and if
you're not from the south, it'swhat we do, okay, so, like I
just adjusted my expectations,no matter what I say, we are
using this china.
It is so special to her andthis is just such a blip on our
radar, like these are blips onyour radar and I'm I'm feel like
(21:07):
most people saying this stuffare telling you set a boundary,
disengage, don't go.
And I think what we're tellingyou is like lighten up a little
bit.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
Lighten up or hey, bring some like boxed up content
that you are willing to talkabout.
I love to just be like hey, youknow what, what, what are you
hopeful for for the rest of thisyear?
Like are you going anywhere?
Cool for the rest of this year,are you taking a trip?
Okay, that, that one's good,never correct me guys that first
one both of us have visceralreactions.
(21:37):
You know how we are, I know, andI think it's really holding
y'all back in life honestly, butI mean, where are you going on
your next trip?
Or hey, what's the last tripthat you went on that you loved?
Can you give me a list like?
Speaker 3 (21:49):
except the list part.
But yeah, everything else isgood right?
Speaker 2 (21:51):
yeah, yeah.
Or you know how.
About grocery prices?
You know we have all kinds.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
You know you can talk about, you can always talk
about the weather with anyone ofalmost any age.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Unless they're under, like seven, they don't care and
if someone brings up trump,just bring up alabama football.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
It's been a rough season that will derail them
immediately and I think thatthat's a really good thank you
thing to realize.
No, truly, because if you'renot comfortable with this
subject, it's okay to change toa different controversial
subject that you don't care asmuch about.
Like, if you don't, yeah, care,throw out football.
(22:25):
They'll talk about itincessantly, especially if
you're in the south, for sure,but like what else?
What's another subject that youcan throw out?
Speaker 3 (22:32):
yeah, I don't mind that idea of throwing out a
different, like controversialyeah, or something that'd be fun
to talk about yeah, so like,obviously, travel is a good one,
it's easy.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Almost everybody has done it to some degree.
Kids you can always talk aboutkids, oh yes, not controversial,
but people love them ask abouttheir kids.
Ask about, uh, your nieces,your nephews, the grandkids.
If you have kids, start talkingabout your kids like it's a
great segue, subject change andlike you can always talk about
(23:04):
positive things about otherpeople's children and back to
those nice ladies that you saw,those beautiful women, the more
we so connecting and likecommiserating is a really nice
place to start.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Like you get to go unload that in this safe, fun
place and then don't take thatin with you.
If you come in like ruminatingon it, like bracing for impact,
you're gonna have a bad time andso find a place to put it.
I bitch about my mom on apodcast.
Have a bad time and so find aplace to put it.
I bitch about my mom on thepodcast.
You know like I find safetyhere and then we have a great
(23:37):
relationship.
But really like mom and I don'tget along all the time but like
I go deal with it, change myexpectations and enjoy the parts
that I can.
Y'all they're enjoyable piecesin families, not all, I mean.
I know I have to give goddamndisclaimers all the time, but
hold on.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
There is even in the dysfunctional ones.
I have a family group text withjust my siblings and it is
hilarious and they're alwayssharing like the craziest shit.
My brother literally text lastnight about some stuff I could
never say publicly that my daddid, but ultimately it's funny
and it's also a safe place.
(24:11):
They know that we get it, weunderstand and so you can say
whatever you need to.
But when we see them at theholidays, which obviously have a
four hour limit probably on howlong I can spend with them for
the whole year but I'm going tosee them and I'm going to make
the decision before I see themfor that hour and a half, two
hours that it's going to be agood time and I'm going to keep
the subject matter light.
(24:32):
I'm not going to talk aboutanything that makes me
uncomfortable, I'm going to keepit like oh, you've got a new
tractor, love that for you.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I think that's great.
My friend Will knows how todrive one of those Yep.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
You know, my friend Will almost died under a big
tractor Tractors are dangerous.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
I like that answer, laura.
I mean definitely just beinglike hey look, I'm doing this
and it's going to be okay,because I'm going to just make
it okay.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Yeah, if I stay, okay , everything's okay.
But if you don't stay, okay, ifyou go in with the anxiety of
what might happen, me and mysister always call each other
and we run down the five things,the worst case scenario that
could possibly happen with ourfamily.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
God y'all love a list .
Speaker 1 (25:16):
But listen, when it doesn't happen, we're always
like damn, that was really good.
Because, like I think, if youjust dump out the craziest shit,
that could possibly happen andthen when it doesn't, you're
like you know I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Okay, so let's go back to those lovely ladies in
New York and I like what theydid.
So they went to dinner beforeboth going to see their mom.
So you get to connect,commiserate and dump.
Okay.
My hope for them is that theygot to go home without carrying
that energy.
Like that's the hope, right Iswe have this safe place to
contain our bullshit.
(25:43):
Okay, with someone we can like,laugh, vent to, and then you
get to go home and leave it, orgo visit mom, go visit dad, go
do whatever without carrying theick with you well, and they
definitely left not carrying theick because we interrupted
their dinner and had them talkto us about it too, but I do
think they were.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Healthy friendship looks like you dump it all out
and then you leave it.
You don't sit in it forever.
That's the whole point.
Don't forget your friends thatmaybe come from more
dysfunctional backgrounds ormaybe they're not going to see
their family, even if theirfamily just lives really far
away.
This is a great time to invitesomebody into your space and let
them see you're kind of crazyCause we all have a little crazy
(26:25):
around the holidays and you'llbe with Claire polishing silver
If, if you come to the Fairmans.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
I don't polish I just dry it and count it All right.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
So I was in a lunch meeting recently and this lady
said y'all, the other day Irealized all of my silver is
gone.
Nothing else from her house,just all of her silver.
$ gone, nothing else from herhouse, just all of her silver.
Fifteen thousand dollars worthof silver.
I said I was like, look, Idon't think someone broke into
your house and took that.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
I was like this is someone you know, ma'am, I was
like someone was in your house.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
While you were like, you were aware that they were in
your house and it could havebeen who's she having over?
Speaker 1 (27:00):
you know, that's what I'm saying.
Like which one of your familymembers was it insured?
I don't think so it should be arider on your policy.
But also you need to knowthere's always what about a
cousin that's just really madthat you got grandma silver it?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
could have been.
Speaker 3 (27:15):
Now she's this lady's like 75, 80.
It could have been insured, Idon't know, but she definitely
was pretty distraught about it.
So we spent the rest of thatlunch meeting like going over
cameras and I was like I'll comeand install them for you.
Speaker 1 (27:27):
Of course you said that because I would.
I don't we know, I know that'sthe best part, but also here's
what was going to happen.
Speaker 3 (27:35):
She was just going to call a security company and
then spend fifteen thousanddollars on a bunch of I mean.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
I'm making that number up, but she was going to
get I mean I don't know I thinkwe legit have have spent like it
is insanely expensive to havecameras installed.
My brother helped us, which hasbeen great, but also like the
alarm that goes off and stuff.
I was like you don't need that.
Speaker 3 (27:52):
Your cameras are the alarm.
It's going to pop up on yourphone every time somebody's
there and you have a record ofit, and whatever it's like,
we'll do this.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Okay, so one make sure you check in on your silver
if you have some yep, I don'tthink mine's.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
On my insurance policy you should add it as a
rider.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
It's part of your contents, but it should be a
rider if it's very expensive andmost of it is um.
And then there's these three tofour takeaways right, so you can
neutrally disengage.
You can just say, oh, asquirrel like will.
You can direct response.
You can go hand to hand, battlecontact if you want to.
You know like.
Debate them If you're reallyfeeling up to it.
(28:29):
You're probably going to makeother people uncomfortable, but
you do, you.
And then, of course, you can bea boundary setter.
You can say, hey, I don'treally want to talk about this,
let's move on to the nextsubject.
And then you can just makethose subject changes kids,
plants, weather, last vacationyou took you know and adjust
your expectations.
Don't be afraid to lower thebar.
You can go in and know as longas you're okay, everything's
(28:51):
gonna be okay.
Hey, thank you guys forlistening.
We love having you here.
We're so happy to be back forseason two.
Please give us a review, shareus with your friends and if you
ever want to reach out and youhave a topic you want us to
cover or something that you'rejust wondering about, let us
know topic you want us to coveror something that you're just
wondering about.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
Let us know Before you Cut Bangs is hosted by
Claire Fehrman and Laura Quickand produced by me, will Ockamy
the best.
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