January 14, 2024 • 69 mins
Listen to a great conversation about being an older mom. Maria is so inspiring to listen to because of her journey to become a mom at 50. The process is a true miracle, and happily for Maria and her family, all the pieces fell into place to make it happen.
We talk about her journey, her career as a physician assistant in neurosurgery specializing in deep brain stimulation. We discuss the management of her own health, as well as work-life balance and making fitness a priority. And everything in-between that made it possible. We also reflect on the loved ones we have lost and preserving our language and traditions as we raise our children.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hola, hola, mi gente, Adrianahere with Bien Fuerte, it's time
to speak.
And I have one of my friends,Maria here, Maria de Cuba.
I have to say that I wanted tointerview you long before I even
had a podcast.
We took belly dancing togetherand just seeing you pregnant.
(00:21):
And then I heard that was yoursecond pregnancy.
And how old were you at thetime?
For my second one, I was 51.
See that was inspiring.
And I kept telling Amy, Amy,give me her number so that I can
talk to her.
And then it was so funny becauseI had seen you at Amy's party.
And then I seen you at my lastlady's place and you were
(00:45):
cutting your hair cut.
I was like, Oh my gosh, it'ssupposed to be this way.
So thank you for being here.
Thank you for being willing tojust share your story.
Your story, just shed so muchlight into other people's lives.
It kind of lets them know thatthey're not alone.
And that.
Shit happens.
There's all sorts of things thathappen in our life, good and
(01:05):
bad, that make us human.
And that's all part of it.
Our journey, everybody's journeyis valuable and sometimes you
think I'm not doing it right orI should have done it this way.
And I spent a lot of time doingthat.
But You know, you asked me, Arethere certain things you don't
want to talk about?
And, and I thought, No, I mean,you caught me at a time.
(01:29):
It was like kismet that we raninto each other when we did
because this is a moment whereI'm just really coming into
appreciating.
That, my story is valid and thatI don't have anything to hide a
year ago.
I might've been like, Oh, Idon't really want people to know
I'm such an older mom.
I'm just, you know, I lookyounger.
I think that you do, you told mea little bit, but I feel like I
(01:55):
look younger.
I don't, I don't have to give upmy age.
I'm married to this man who was17 years younger than I am.
And so if people know his age.
They'll probably just be like,Oh, she looks like she might be
a couple years old or so, youknow, maybe 40, 42.
So why they don't need to knowthat.
Right.
And then, you know, recently I,I started to realize like my
(02:15):
kids are getting to the agewhere they're really focused on
who's turning what.
And my daughter's like, I'm fourand I'm almost your size.
She started to get excited aboutgrowing up.
Eventually.
And she'll go, daddy, how oldare you?
And he'll say 37.
And mommy, how old are you?
I'm 54.
And then it's like, right now,those numbers really don't mean
(02:37):
anything to her, but eventuallyin just a couple of years they
will.
And her friends are going to belike, well, my mom's this or
your mom.
And I don't want my kid to feellike there's any reason to be
embarrassed about who their momis or how old she is or how this
journey came to exactly,exactly.
So yeah, this is like, this isthe perfect time.
(02:58):
You know, growing into that ittakes a while.
It takes experience to kind ofbe at that point where you're
like, you know what?
This is me.
I'm bringing all of me.
This is who I am.
And if you like it, that'sgreat.
If you don't like it, that'sokay.
Because I'm teaching mydaughter.
You know what?
Some people are not going tolike you and that's okay.
(03:18):
Not everybody has to like you orwhat you did or, your life.
So, yes.
So Maria, tell us your story.
Give us like work.
So well, I probably had a littlecircuitous journey to get to
where I am because in college Isort of was, partying a little
bit and not settling down.
And then when I finally didsettle down, it was with
(03:40):
somebody that I really realizedover time.
I didn't love him.
I never.
Did, but I didn't know what lovewas and I didn't understand and
I had insecurities fromchildhood trauma and so on that
I didn't really understand whatthat was supposed to be like,
what's it supposed to be likewhen somebody really loves you
and just cares about you andtreats you with so much respect
and you.
Decide that this is the personworthy of sharing a life with.
(04:02):
You know, I, when I met mycurrent husband, I had just
gotten separated and I was like,I'm going to play the field.
And then I met this guy and Iwas like, why do you check every
single box?
You're not supposed to you'reyou're too young.
And actually then it started outas like, well, because you're so
(04:24):
young, I'm just going to havefun with you.
Yes.
So I think that was actuallykind of the recipe for our
success.
Insane chemistry.
And then we're like, there's nostrings attached.
We can just have fun.
And then because of that, wewere our true selves.
And you know, that's the lessonfrom that is just be your true
self, no matter.
(04:45):
But you're with, because they'renot worth it if you can't be
that true self.
And so in finding that you know,I remember just thinking like,
Hey, you're, you're a lotyounger and I'm kind of past the
age where I'm going to be aparent.
And that was one thing about myex husband is he didn't want to
have kids.
And, I sort of thought, okay,well, maybe I don't want to have
kids.
And I sort of suppressed thatpart of me.
(05:08):
And you know that that's finetoo.
But then when I met my currenthusband, Matt I didn't want to
do to him what I felt had beendone to me.
We're here.
My, reproductive years had goneas I thought they were behind
me.
And then now it wasn't even achoice.
So I wanted to make sure he wasvery clear and he was sort of
where I was.
(05:28):
In my previous relationshipworld, like, okay, well, if you
don't really want to, it's okay.
We can have a fun life withoutit.
And then come to find out wehad, I had a scare and I came to
him very worried.
Like, Hey.
I think I'm pregnant and thiswas kind of crazy because
neither one of us had talkedabout this or wanted it, or, we
(05:50):
said we didn't.
And then when I finally, youknow, the normal cycle thing
that happens happen.
And I was like, Oh, I guess I'mnot pregnant.
We were both really deeply sad.
Oh, and so then we were like,Oh, I guess we have something to
talk about.
We talked about it and then longstory short.
(06:12):
So I met him when I was 46 andthis conversation was happening
at 48 and then we sawimmediately.
So I, interestingly, it was aprevious personal trainer told
me my sister just went throughfertility treatments and.
At your age.
I think you should see someoneright away.
And I, I have so much gratitudeto Morgan for that because she,
(06:34):
if it wasn't because she saidthat I could have wasted the
last year or two, I had that afertility doctor or an
obstetrician would really feelsafe going through this journey
with me.
So we immediately saw someoneand we were kind of shocked at
the numbers like, Oh yeah, yourovaries just, they're not.
They're not like the factory'sgetting ready to close.
This is going to be really hardwithout help.
(06:55):
So then we you know, saw all theoptions and, and really the best
and the fastest option was justto use a donor egg.
So.
That was, that's actually beenpart that I've had struggled
with the most because whenpeople are like, Oh, your
daughter looks just like yourhusband and things like that,
I'm happy for that.
(07:16):
But then there's this littlepart of me that's like, Oh, I
couldn't give that.
But finally it's like, there'sso much more like when you carry
a child, you mix DNA with them.
And their personality is.
Like with you all day.
I mean, they're, they're yourchild 100 percent more than,
(07:38):
than just having provided a, acell, right?
And even with those adoptedparents, cause I don't know if
you know Tamra, Tamra's adopted.
No, I didn't know that.
Yes, she's adopted and herparents are her parents.
They chose her.
They took care of her.
They raised her.
They loved her.
(07:59):
She's nothing like them.
But at the same time, she's somuch like them because of that
community.
You carry that child.
There's so much to be said aboutthat as well.
Well, I thought about peoplewith adopted children and I
thought about, you know, weknow.
Three families that are queergay, you know, the two male and
(08:21):
one female where they havechildren and they've had to do
the donor thing I don't think atall of them that they're any
less of parents or that thosechildren are.
So I started to ask myself, whydo you judge yourself with a
harsher lens than you judgeanybody else?
Because it comes back from ourparents.
So I was going to come back tothat, your backstory.
(08:44):
I grew up with a single mom, mydad came into my picture a
little bit later on and then hepassed.
So there was a moment ofclosure.
It was good.
It was good.
I felt I spent the time that Ineeded.
I forgave whatever I felt like Ineeded to.
And I asked him for forgiveness.
You know, it was his last yearis his last few months of his
life.
(09:05):
I was glad that I.
was able to take that in andtake advantage of the short time
that I had to get to know him,to record his voice, you take
care of them.
You groom them.
You love them.
Whatever it is.
I have a stepson as well.
I had problems.
Getting pregnant.
I actually got, well, Ishouldn't say I had problems
getting pregnant.
I had problems carrying thepregnancy to term.
(09:28):
So I had two miscarriages and Iwas an older mom, right?
I was 37 the first time and 38the second time, you know, and
so I have lost those and it wasjust so heartbreaking.
And I came to terms with, youknow, if Jameson's going to be
my only son, well then.
And I'm going to love him andhe's going to be perfect and
(09:51):
we'll have so much more incomefor other things.
You know, I came to terms.
I know.
Because kids are expensive.
It took a while.
I took, I went through agrieving process of that, but
like you said, it's just it'sall the same.
And I love him.
It's it's hard.
We're different.
He's half Chinese and white.
(10:13):
My husband's white and I'mMexican.
And just some of the culturethings are very different.
So you just come to terms withthat.
And Sofia is so much more likeme.
She is such a Latina.
And loud and your face and saysit like it is still sensitive,
but yeah, it's true.
(10:33):
Like, like a Latina that just,yeah.
And then you think about thepeople who are 100 percent their
parents DNA and then they comeout like totally different
people.
So it's just not that simple.
Not that simple.
Yeah.
I'm very happy.
I've come to terms with this andI'm, proud of what happened.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm proud of, like, I was sointentional about these
(10:56):
children, you chose it.
You, that was it.
You chose the egg.
You for both of them.
Yeah.
So they're what my obstetricianlikes to call twiddlings.
They were twins in a lab.
They were fertilized from thesame donor, but they're, mad
sperm and they used it tofertilize.
An egg from this same donor.
We look at these girls sometimesand we laugh because we're like,
(11:18):
one of you could have been theolder one.
Like Fiona's our little one.
And we're like, you could havebeen the older one.
And boy, would we have beenangry if that had happened?
Because Katarina was the hardbaby.
And we would have been like,what?
This is not what I signed upfor, but at least we went in
eyes wide open because our firstwas a very.
(11:39):
Difficult baby to get to sleep.
And I mean, you had to tiptoelike crazy or on her and the, if
she, and if you breathe tooloud, she would wake up.
And then Fiona came along andlike, you set her down in the
bassinet the first day in thehospital and she was out.
So we got the easy one second,but it's really funny to think
about the fact that they're,they're kind of twins, they're
(12:00):
21 months apart and, you know,had I not been 50.
At the time of my firstdelivery, so I got pregnant at
49 and then delivered just aftera couple months after my 50th
birthday.
And then I had to rush to getthat second baby in me because
really 50 is the oldest thatthey sort of cut you off.
(12:23):
Wow.
But the fertility doctor shesaid, you know, if your
obstetrician wants to certifythat she'll take care of you,
that's all we need.
We just need someone to sayyou're healthy and have to go
through with it.
And honestly, my OB would tellme all the time, you're
healthier than.
Like half of my 35 year olds, soI had no problems.
I really had two easypregnancies.
(12:44):
I mean, you know, pregnancy,easy in quotation marks, right?
Cause it's big, you're big,you're swollen, you're, yeah,
you can't breathe.
But they were all the normalthings you were supposed to be
experiencing during pregnancy,never had even like high blood
pressure.
So.
They were, they were easy.
So my OB was like, yeah, sure.
Of course you can have a second.
(13:04):
but I didn't have the luxury oftime to say, Oh, let me just
totally soak up this baby tillshe turns one.
I was like, okay, you're ninemonths old.
I got to get on this now.
Had to wean her and the wholething.
I'm really glad actually thathappened because these two are
best friends now.
I mean, time will tell if theystay that way.
(13:24):
I tell my husband it's going tobe this way till one of them
steals the other one'sboyfriend.
But right now they're justbesties and they play with each
other.
And if we can like have aconversation, cause the two of
them are off playing and youknow, their pretend world and
all this stuff, they're, they'readorable.
That is so perfect.
I have a single 10, so it's alittle bit challenging, you
know, because Jameson is 10years older than Sophia.
(13:47):
I look at pictures of Sophia andI, we have the same nose and
some of the same things, but itreally does.
Like show you how different andthe same it could be because
personality wise, we are a lotalike.
As I raised her, I really haveto, it's like going back to my
childhood and really havingwords for emotions and really
(14:09):
understanding that, right?
I'm touring the schools now.
Like I, I nearly like teared upwhen I, you know, went through
this, this Elementary schoolthat went up the stairs.
And I was like, these stairs,all elementary schools have the
same stairs.
And it was just like, wow, whata flashback.
(14:29):
It is powerful.
And I can't believe it's alreadytime for doing that stuff.
But right.
So is that the preschool?
I'm kind of looking ateverything to see if we start it
earlier or if we just wait itout at the, you know, keep her
at the preschool and then do aregular kindergarten start.
So, yeah, it's great.
(14:50):
It's a part time job right now.
It is.
I wouldn't have put Sophia intoMontessori school had my
neighbor not been in Montessorischool.
I had a, caretaker and she wasSpanish, so I love that, right?
You know, you gotta preserve thelanguage.
Yeah.
And my neighbor was like, I'mputting Dave in to Montessori
school.
(15:10):
You should look into it.
And I was like, wow, I don'tknow.
She's three.
Yeah.
But that's perfect.
That's when they start and theyteach them all the skills,
right?
And it's socialization becauseit would have been just her.
Yeah.
That was a good turn for me.
Everything happens for a reason.
I mean, that's, that was part ofwhat I was telling you.
Everything, every turn, everymistake, everything you've ever
(15:33):
done, it landed you to the placethat you needed to be so that
you become who you really are.
And sometimes it's, it's fun,easy, light, and sometimes it's
dark, hard, rough, but it's,it's perfectly for the way
you're supposed to be, likeright here and right now.
It's the way it turns out.
(15:54):
And like I said, some peoplegrow up with two parents or one
parents.
Did you grow up with twoparents?
My parents got divorced when Iwas probably 10, they were
separated when I was seven.
And then it was like an extendedbecause it's like, they didn't
want to be divorced.
My dad was kind of a naughtyguy.
But they truly had this love youknow, for what it's worth, the
(16:14):
machismo Culture of Cuban men.
I'm married, but that doesn'tmean I'm dead, right?
So they were divorced, legallydivorced for probably four
years.
And then I had the pleasure ofwitnessing my parents wedding.
Most people can't say thatbecause they remarried when I
was 15.
And I wasn't old enough to be awitness, but my brother was, and
(16:37):
he was a witness to my parentsremarrying.
And then My dad moved back inand that was a rough time
because I was like, Whoa, whoa,wait, your rules are a little
off the hook here.
Mom and I've had this figuredout.
And I don't know if you noticed,but I grew up a little bit since
you last lived with us.
So that was like some growingpains, but.
(16:57):
Is she, was she American?
American?
No, Cubans.
They met in Cuba.
They met in Cuba.
They had some friend whointroduced them and then they
got together.
And within nine months, they'relike, let's get married and get
out of here.
This is bad here.
And they fled the Castro regime.
And my mom was seven monthspregnant when they got here.
(17:18):
And my brother, luckily, wasn't.
Born premature or something.
He was born here and then ofcourse they were poor immigrants
So it took them several years todecide they're gonna have number
two and try for the girl and sothere's so much there There's so
much there.
Was she were you here in Seattleor oh, no, Miami so I've been in
(17:41):
Seattle for 18 years and thatwas My ex husband's idea to move
to Seattle.
So we were dating and I waslike, well, why don't we get
married then and move?
That's one of those situationswhere I think that was a
mistake, but then I think, no,look where I am now, nothing
I've done until this point couldbe a mistake because it landed
(18:01):
me here.
But in other times I would havesaid.
That was a mistake becausereally then I was married to
this guy and I should have seenearlier that he wasn't for me,
but because it went the way itwent, and then I met Matt when I
did everything worked out justfine.
But that's how I ended up here.
And what's funny is he did toobecause his ex who he wasn't
(18:23):
married to but like basicallycommon law for seven years, they
moved here because of her.
And so we had the same storywhen we met that, oh yeah,
someone else brought me here.
But now they left and I'vestayed and I really like it here
and, I really like you.
So here we are.
(18:43):
Isn't that crazy?
You know what I was thinkingwhen you were telling your story
about like, you know, he wasmachismo and still wanted to
continue to date because my dad,the same thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And I finally went to go visit.
Some family members in Texas.
That's where his he grew up at.
So my cousin was telling me,Yeah, I just thought in pute and
(19:05):
exactly.
I see.
Yeah.
Pero si quieres aputear.
Aputear.
Hilarious.
I just laughed.
I laughed because she was there.
The language is so rough, butit's so true.
It's rough.
It's rough.
There's no euphemisms inHispanic language.
(19:27):
for better or worse.
I know people have to deal withus.
Exactly.
But then, you know, even thoughI spent years judging my mom,
like, ah, she's so, I can'tbelieve it.
She's so beautiful.
She could have dated anyone.
And then later on, I was justhappy that my parents were
together.
Cause when he was dying and Isaw those two together, it was
(19:52):
love.
And it's, that's what love does.
It breaks down barriers, youknow?
That really touches you.
It's tender.
You have to remember thatfeeling and your kids remember
that feeling because they aremore in touch with it.
As we get older, we get morejaded with life.
(20:13):
Yeah.
When did your dad pass?
So he passed it was, let's see,I met Matt in 2015.
He had a stroke in 2016 and thenhe died in 2017 after a year
really of suffering because hewas, you know, paralyzed on one
side, it was, it was a sad year,but my mom was there by his side
(20:33):
and and I was there by his sideat the end and I got to be there
for my mom.
She died last year, just over ayear ago.
It was just early December wasthe one year anniversary.
So that's rough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A little sentimental.
Because we miss them.
Yeah.
I don't know what your view isabout death.
(20:54):
I've seen a lot of it, just,even just like me.
Right?
Yeah.
It's, I've just come to termswith, you know, they're not
really gone.
Right.
Their spirit is still around.
I can feel my brother atdifferent times.
Yeah.
and you can call them back,right?
Because I spend time with theirkids.
And they just remind you so muchof your brothers.
(21:19):
And so it's just crazy, but Ibelieve we are all just one, and
that there's so much more tothis life, and in so many,
intricate patterns and detailsSophia was born on the day my
brother died.
Oh boy.
Yes, like a nine year differencethough.
It's so, it's just good.
Oh, I was gonna say, not theexact date, right?
(21:40):
Okay.
No, not the exact date.
Wow.
But it brought a little bit oflight there.
Like, who's to say what thatwould happen?
And every now and then, I'llfeel.
Their presence or their spiritor a funny memory and it just,
it makes me laugh and cry at thesame time because it's just, I
(22:00):
don't feel like they're gone andyeah, I miss them and I watch
their kids grow and you see themjust so amazing considering
they're not around.
To see that again, a year sincemy mom died and she lived with
us for like 14 months becauseshe came out.
(22:23):
Katarina was a newborn.
And then she got grounded here.
So she really had a thirdparent.
You know, my mom, her grandma,her abuela was here though her
whole beginning of her life, shewas just part of it.
So then when she dies, she'slike, she doesn't understand
what does death mean?
You know?
So it took months and months andmonths.
I think she's finally getting itfor her to realize that.
(22:47):
Oh, I really am never going tosee her again, but, like you
said, through like, teddy bearswith, you know, her nightgown
that the girls got and lookingat her stuff and just things,
you know, her legacies here allaround us.
So.
Yeah, we always tell her she'sin your heart and you all you
have to do is just stop for amoment and like, feel it because
(23:10):
it's there.
and they remember that like thecrazy thing is like Sophia, she
remembers.
Even though she's never met him.
She's seen all these pictures.
No, there's enough there thatshe there's enough there that
yeah, my that's my uncle andthere was a lot of us.
So was there just you two, yourbrother, two of us, my brother,
(23:31):
me.
And then it was really nicebecause, you know, this was our
first Christmas, really normalChristmas without our mom.
And so he flew out with hisfamily and the eight of us spent
it together and it was lovely.
You know, she was always theconnection.
The reason I flew to Florida oryou know, I mean, he, obviously
they came for our wedding andthings like that, but like, if
my mom, when she was stuck hereand she was having surgery, he
(23:53):
flew out and, I wanted to makesure, you know, she's gone, but
she would want us to still havereasons to go see each other.
So we made sure we spentChristmas together and hopefully
it's a tradition that, you know,we keep taking trips together or
at least visiting each otherfrequently.
It's a long flight, it is.
And like they always say, like,Es una rama que tienes que
(24:14):
regar.
Una rama que tienes que regar.
I like that.
With anything.
Any friendship, any adult.
I have adult friendships andit's it's that.
It's like you constantly have towant more.
And I'm a lot closer to mysisters, but death has brought
us a lot closer together.
Yeah.
And even with my brother, evenwith the amount of us.
(24:36):
You have to appreciate the timethat you have, cause that's
going to pass.
Right.
And just be, enjoy it and be.
Present.
Just show up, be aware, beyourself and have that
conversation and fight and talkand just, you know, I learned
that like just straight up andlike, all right, get over it.
Are you done with that?
(24:57):
Like you're still, you're stillfamily.
You can still have aconversation or say, Hey, I
didn't say that quite well, oryou know, we were all grieving.
So it didn't come out all thatright.
Sensitive.
Can we move past that?
Yep.
It's always there.
It's always available.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
(25:17):
One of the things I've struggledwith is being an older mom, am I
going to be here less time formy girls then, you know, someone
who had their kids at 25 wouldbe, and yeah, probably, but
that's also another thing that'slike, you really don't know what
life's gonna bring.
I could live to be 102.
You know, someone could get aterrible disease at 35.
(25:37):
It's just whatever your path isand we don't even know what it
is.
But.
Like you said, whatever it is,just assume it's not long
because it really does fly byanyway.
Yeah.
And then that gives you moreincentive.
It gives you more incentives totake care of yourself, your
health.
Like your body is really themost important.
(25:57):
It really is.
It's the only home that youreally live in.
I mean, you're going to own allthese other homes, but if you
don't take care of yourself, youdon't keep moving.
That's incentive for me.
I am an older mom, but I don'tfeel like that.
I just recently trained somebodyand I just started with her and
she was just like, I just wantto get on the court again.
She was like a collegiatebasketball player and she says,
(26:20):
I'm just feeling old and she's36.
And I was like, Oh, I'm like 10years older than you, girl.
She's like, no way.
I said, yes.
I said, that's just the numbernow, like, have you ever seen
those blue zones?
People live to be longer if youtake care of yourself, if you
have community, if you have asense of purposes, not just a
purpose, but purposes, and youreally are yourself.
(26:42):
Like, you feel like you havesomething to give.
And that is your story.
That is a piece of work and art.
It's your legacy.
And you don't know how long youdo have.
So you have to own what youreally have and take care of it.
Feed yourself, good food,exercise, move.
Get rid of the occasional flunk.
(27:04):
The occasional flunk.
Exactly.
You know, everything inmoderation.
Even moderation.
I say that because I just mademy mom's flunk for New Year's
Eve.
Do you have a tradition for NewYear's Eve?
No, she just always made a flanwhen it was an important event,
(27:25):
somebody's birthday, you know,whatever.
That was her thing.
She brought the flan.
And everyone was like, Conchita,va a ser un flan.
It was exciting.
Even Matt's friends, all hisAmerican friends are like, Oh, I
really liked your mom's flan.
So yeah, now I have to carry thetorch.
So I started this year.
(27:45):
Good.
Oh, that is really good.
It is.
And, you know, you can start anytradition.
I started ponche, just like whenI came back from Mexico.
Making ponche for Christmas, forChristmas Eve.
You know, and it could be ponchethat Ponche that kids can drink?
Yes, ponche that kids can drinkand then you, and then you put
(28:05):
rum in your own.
Okay, okay.
But Sofia loves the ponche.
She's like, Mom, are you goingto make it?
I was like, yeah.
And my girlfriend that normallyis with us, for Christmas Eve
wasn't here.
So I had to make it.
Oh, okay.
I don't know how.
Oh, I see.
You gotta take the torch.
And it came out delicious, youknow.
And now this last year westarted champorado, which is
(28:29):
another drink, you know, una,una bebida, como se dice
navideña, navideña.
Navideña.
Yeah, una bebida navideña.
Champurría.
Champoron.
Champorado.
And it's like made with masa.
It's like a cornmeal.
Oh, it's so good.
(28:50):
It tastes like abuelita'schocolate.
Wow.
And then it's got cornmeal, soit's got a little heft in it.
I have to look at that.
We make crema de vie, which Ialso made this year.
It's basically liquid flan.
It's the same six eggs and lechecondensada and leche evaporada.
(29:10):
And there's just a minordifference.
Instead of burning the sugar soit'll be on the top of the
front.
You just melt it and you pourthis simple sugar into it, and
then you're supposed to make itwith rum.
My rum, my aunt used to my tia.
Cheeky.
She would make it with like awhole cup of rum in there for
like, what was the equivalent ofa liter of.
(29:32):
So hers was very spiked and ithad to be very sweet, but you
know, it's definitely not goodif you are trying to keep the
hemoglobin A1C down, becomingdiabetic.
That is a pure sugar drink.
It's the sugar in the rum andthe sugar in the drink.
But I made it this year becauseI really wanted to make all my
mom's things.
(29:52):
Yes.
So crema de billet is basicallyeggnog.
Yes.
I call it Cuban eggnog.
Oh, good.
And you know, it's just, it'sthat holiday, right?
It's like that one special timethat you get to make it.
It's not like you have it allthe time.
Exactly.
That's like, that's thedifference.
Like, I make it with real sugar.
I make it with, they call itpiloncillo.
(30:15):
It's the more natural sugar.
It's before it becomes refined.
And it comes in like a littlecute, in a, like a cone shaped
thing.
Have you heard of it?
Piloncillo.
Yeah.
It's so good.
And then cinnamon andeverything.
So I could see like, you're onlygoing to have that, that time.
So it's good to have thosetraditions.
Those are the ones that areworth having.
We do too, as Latinos have tothink about like our genes.
(30:39):
I just went and got my bloodwork done and I got, I got a
high blood pressure and I eatreally good.
Yeah.
You're the healthiest person.
I'm happy.
You're in the top fivehealthiest people I know.
And she said it could be geneticand so we can take out these
numbers and we can try a coupleof these and she's like, just
add more fiber and let's look atthe other numbers and it's just
(31:02):
great to have like a littlepinpoint of your blood work done
and be like, okay, what can Ifocus on?
Because I do want to livelonger.
I do want to keep up with mygirl.
You know, I do want to run withher and do different things and
get up and off the floor easily.
Not feel like an old lady yeah.
Douglas are this yoga teacher.
(31:23):
We used to all take classes withand go on retreats with, he
always said, if you can get upoff the floor that adds 20 years
to your life, like as long asyou can do that, you have, much
longer to live.
So there you go.
And that's why you look likeyou're 36.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Maybe I think 38 now.
(31:45):
for flattering me.
Kids do.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I got, I got four gray hairs, Igot four canas, and I named
them.
Oh my gosh.
One of them is Matt, one of themis Sophia, one of them is Earl,
and my last one is my brotherRocky.
Oh wow.
Oh my gosh.
Well, I've made one for eachnight that my children have
(32:08):
given me.
So, how many, 365 times four?
For that might be how many.
Okay.
I spent so much time beingunhealthy earlier in my life
that now it's time to behealthy.
It's like, I have more of apurpose.
(32:28):
And a reason to stay healthy.
So yes, and we're women.
I love to dress up and look goodand feel good.
So you, your mom came duringCOVID and that's why she got
locked down, right?
Yeah.
She was just here to stay withme for two months.
Cause I had a four month old.
And she was the best, best momever.
(32:50):
She was so helpful, dedicated, Istill wish she was here to
encourage me because parentingis hard, being a mom is hard.
So to have someone tell, youyou're so patient, you're so
good, you're so, you know, itwas like, oh, okay, thanks mom.
I was really doubting my, myquality as a parent right now,
cause I've slept two hours andit happens to all of us.
Yeah.
(33:11):
Maybe I'll get a shower soon.
So she yeah, she was just hereto help and she's super helpful.
And like my lifeline and thenyeah, COVID happened and we're
like, no, you have everycomorbidity that they have
talked about that makes it areally bad disease to have.
So you're not going anywhere.
And she lived with us until, soshe flew out in January.
(33:34):
And then she stayed till thefollowing March when she finally
got her COVID vaccine series.
We waited, we counted the daystill like 14 to 21 days after
her second shot and everything,like it was very coordinated
because we were going to makesure she was protected.
And she went home and then shecame back, she was able to visit
one or two more times.
(33:55):
So that was nice.
It wasn't like that was it, butthat was just a nice.
Chunk of time when people ask,like, what was the silver lining
of COVID that's my major silverlining from COVID is having my
mom here.
Cause I don't think I otherwisewould have had gotten to know
her on such a deeper level andhaving her around and having her
watch the struggles of, being afirst time mom was really, it
(34:17):
was really powerful.
It was very valuable.
And then now when I see that my,second child barely speaks any
Spanish and I realized why it'sbecause it's my fault.
I don't do it.
It's my mother was here and wewould speak Spanish all day long
and then Catherine would pick itup and you know, and they're
both in a.
bilingual preschool now.
And it's cute.
You know, they come home andthey bring their Spanish songs
(34:38):
home and yeah.
And they stop on the floor orwhatever.
But I'm like, my everydayconversations are not the same
in terms of bringing the Spanishin.
It feels like, Oh yeah, right.
I have to remember.
And that's different from whenshe was here.
And it was just, it's just whatwe did.
(34:58):
It's a challenge for me.
It's easy to switch back intothe English.
Her first two caregivers wereSpanish speakers.
And I and she's I know theyanswer me in Spanish.
Nobody talks Spanish mom.
I know.
I did it myself.
It's not cool.
I know exactly.
You just want to blend in.
(35:19):
I went to bilingual elementaryschool, so it's my Spanish is
good.
But everyone else in my worldspeaks English.
So it's very natural.
Not to think it's in English Iwould make Kettering asked for
milk.
If she said, can I have milk?
I'd say.
I don't understand you inSpanish.
Leche por favor.
She finally remembered.
Like learned how to say that andshe would remember every time.
(35:39):
Like she would immediately likeshoot back with it.
Leche por favor.
She's like I know what's goingto come next.
And then, Fiona the little one,sometimes she'll say it.
It's kind of funny to hear herbecause her Spanish is terrible.
Adorable.
So I try.
I swear she's eight.
(36:04):
So I just come to terms that Ido my best.
And when she's in high school,she'll pick it back up because
she's not in a bilingual programright now at Maple.
There is none.
It's very challenging to getinto the international schools,
what a bummer.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Because when we go to Mexico,like we just got back from
(36:26):
Mexico and they talked to her inSpanish.
And when Matt makes a mistakeand says, No lo entiende o si lo
entiende?
Si lo entiende.
Y si lo entiende.
And when my husband will saysomething and say it wrong, she
looks at me and laughs.
Oh my gosh, you guys are like aBarbie movie.
(36:47):
It's hilarious.
I took her to that by the way.
My Matt looks at his mother whenwe were watching the movie with
her because she had never seenit and he looked at her and he's
like, it's exactly like thatmom.
That's the same treatment.
It gets like, no, it is, likeyou said, when I was younger, I
just wanted to blend in.
I didn't want to speak Spanishor be different.
(37:09):
I didn't want to stick outbecause I really stuck out.
I was in Homedale, Idaho.
Just imagine that like, Oh mygosh.
Six out of like our 50 studentsthat spoke Spanish.
And most of those were mybrothers and sisters.
Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious,right?
She'll pick it up.
Another mom was talking to meand she said my daughter was the
same way.
(37:30):
She'll pick it up later on.
And now she speaks Spanishfluently.
So don't worry about it.
You just do your best.
And we have that conversation.
Yes.
You know, you can understand somuch more, can't you?
She's like, yeah, I just can'tcommunicate.
Well, that's why we talk.
Por eso lo hablamos, casa,cuando podemos.
And it's a file.
It's just a file in the brainthat you can exactly access.
(37:53):
And then, yep, you can add toit.
File is there.
It's waiting to be filled.
And then the other thing I wasgoing to ask you too, because
you already hit on a lot.
You already said in so manyways, but what does strength
mean to you?
Like, Qué es fuerte?
Fuerza.
Fuerza.
(38:15):
Ah, that's a good one.
It's feeling like you're at alow point and somehow figuring
out how to pick yourself up.
And doing it better and knowingthat you weren't supposed to be
perfect, I guess, you know, andyou're never perfect.
(38:37):
You just keep working towardsbetter your whole life, yeah,
you're trying to achieve it, butit's not that you get there.
That's not actually the purpose.
The purpose is to keep strivingfor better.
Yes.
So.
I mean, I think I just came upwith that right now, but I think
(38:57):
that's all it is because I mean,the biggest struggles of my life
is have happened in the lastfour years.
Sure.
I went through some stuff, butreally the things that really
challenged my identity and who Ithink I am, or I want to be to
people, or, you know, I mean,like being a mom changes your
entire world.
Yeah.
It does.
(39:17):
You didn't even know you werethis person until you step into
those shoes.
And so that, like these lastfour and a half years of that
constant extreme under pressuregrowth.
It's really, I think, has reallymatured my thinking for what is.
(39:40):
What is strength and what isresiliency, really?
That's so true.
You learn it.
You experience.
You own it.
And then you pass it on.
And then they get it.
Your kids get it.
Your friends get it.
Your community gets it in awhole different light.
Like what affects them and theiridea of strength is so
different.
(40:00):
I was going to say that insharing it with your kids, like
you say, sometimes you feellike, oh, I don't want my kids
to think I lose my patience or,you know, I just want to show
them the best side of me.
But then what's important isthat you realize that's just
part of being human.
And when I tell my kid, Hey, I'msorry, I really shouldn't have
lost my patience or I'm sorry Iyelled at you or, I'm going to
(40:20):
try to be better.
You were teaching them so much.
You're teaching them that it'sit's okay to be wrong.
It's okay to admit it.
And so many times we're, we'reembarrassed of something we did
wrong.
We hide it.
And when you admit it, when youbring it out to the air, the
light of day, it's liberatingit's power over you goes away.
Just being able to share that.
With your kids is amazingbecause you get to see them
(40:43):
blossom into this little personwho never thought of that
before.
And now, and now there's thishuge chunk of their personality
that is new.
And you open up dialogue too.
I think that's a big one.
It's like that must have scaredyou.
And I know that was monster mom.
I know that must have scaredyou.
(41:05):
Mommy was scary.
What did you think?
And then they share and it'slike, it's like a knife in the
heart.
It's a knife, but then you gothrough it together and then
you, you do come out stronger onthe other side.
And then they feel like it'sokay to make mistakes and they
can go back and they can always,it's always an opportunity to
open up dialogue.
(41:26):
And I think if you can keeplike, I keep reparenting myself
because they didn't have thatlanguage, that emotional
language that they're teachingthe kids now in their class.
There's a class.
I know it's called emotionalSEO.
Yes.
every school we've gone to, it'slike our SEO.
I'm like, well, it's a goodthing I've been on five tours.
(41:47):
Cause now I know what SEL standsfor.
I said, I needed that class.
He's Sophia.
What are you learning there?
And she's like, Oh, theemotions.
And Oh, you can have one morethan one at the same time.
And Oh, that's so great.
Like I did not learn that it'sso good.
And so when Something like thathappens, it's something to
(42:09):
reference, like, oh yes, that'swhat happened.
That's why I didn't really knowhow to do that.
That's, we get dysregulated andkids are not convenient.
Especially when you're in astore and they have a meltdown
or they're sleepy, hungry,whatever it is.
It's just so unconvenient.
It's always the wrong time forthem.
(42:30):
It's always the wrong time.
It is.
So I hear you and it's havingthe ability to teach them and
learn yourself how to regulateyourself because I can get
triggered.
There's something that'llhappen.
And I recently heard that youget triggered because it reminds
you of something in yourchildhood.
Those are the things thattrigger you the most.
And so knowing that now I'mlike, Oh God, so much sense.
(42:56):
Because her abuela died, she washaving a hard time dealing with
it emotionally.
we were taking Katerina to playtherapy for a little bit and you
know, she would just go thereand like the plan that the
therapist had never really went,would go through because she was
just like, I want to direct howI play and she would do her
thing and play with her toys andwhatever and not do the plan for
(43:16):
the day.
But eventually the therapist waslike, really, what's important
is that, number one, you haveyour one on one time with her.
That's super valuable to her.
But number two, really all I'mteaching you is to regulate
yourself.
Regulate your own emotionsbecause you co regulate and
that's going to be how shelearns to regulate.
And I was like, Oh, okay.
(43:37):
Well, that's a lot harder thanjust bringing her to you and
having you pull out some dollsand have her talk about how she
feels.
So anyway, so that's the, that'sthe next.
Milestone.
Oh my gosh.
It's so good too because we growat the same time.
Yeah.
As she's going through thatyou're learning that and as
(43:58):
we're talking about like how mything this last year is just how
to self soothe.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
How can I teach?
Mama needs some quiet time too,baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
So it's so helpful.
It really is.
Because it used to be theirsleep, right?
That's what they needed toregulate themselves.
(44:20):
And then it, it switches fromsleep to like, play to like
reading.
Mm-Hmm.
to like just staying still.
That is the most challengingthing for me as an adult and, I
have high energy and I move andgo as much as possible.
So just to take the time out,just to sit still.
Yeah.
It's, it's work, but it's worthit.
(44:41):
It's like I always get a nuggetfrom some session that I just
sit down just.
That's amazing.
Or walk or whatever that time isfor yourself.
Yeah.
We all need it.
Yeah.
I'm learning how to do that toowith the help of my husband.
It's good.
You can say that like mom and Ineed some little bit of time and
(45:01):
I will be back.
Even on vacation, because it'svacation, you know, with your
family 24 7, right?
And so I would get up a littleearlier just to take a coffee
and yes, go look at the oceanand just not have to take care
of anybody but myself.
And then I would come backready.
I'm ready to conquer.
(45:23):
All right, Maria.
Thank you so much.
I feel flattered.
It's so great to hear yourstory.
I was thinking about this beforeI got on the call with you is.
We read so much about parenting,we read so much about art, and
stories, and biographies, andnon fiction, fiction, and
(45:45):
movies, and everything, it's theway that pulls what we have out
into the open, right?
And then we learn from it.
That's so much of what we dowhen we have a connection with
other people, right?
We hear their story and how theydo it.
I remember I told a mom, I waslike, it's early release.
And I forgot to pick up mydaughter and she's like, yeah,
(46:08):
I've done that too.
It's hard.
I was like, Oh, that's all youneed.
Sometimes it's like, Oh man, Imade a lady cry at the container
store.
Cause I was like, a plusparenting mom, I'm listening.
And I have a toddler too.
You're hitting all the rightthings.
And she just started crying.
She's like, Thank you so much.
It's so hard sometimes.
(46:28):
And I was like, Oh my gosh,you're going to make me cry in
the life.
This is not what I was goingfor, but it was a beautiful
moment.
It just helps us Just like standa little taller knowing that
that does happen and it's okayas long as we correct it and
move forward and and then shareit with other people and that's
(46:49):
what life is all about is doingit together and we're supposed
to be right.
Yeah.
Supposed to share.
Bye all.
Okay.
Okay.
(47:10):
Bye bye.
Hola, hola, mi gente, Adrianahere with Bien Fuerte, it's time
to speak.
And I have one of my friends,Maria here, Maria de Cuba.
I have to say that I wanted tointerview you long before I even
had a podcast.
We took belly dancing togetherand just seeing you pregnant.
(00:21):
And then I heard that was yoursecond pregnancy.
And how old were you at thetime?
For my second one, I was 51.
See that was inspiring.
And I kept telling Amy, Amy,give me her number so that I can
talk to her.
And then it was so funny becauseI had seen you at Amy's party.
And then I seen you at my lastlady's place and you were
(00:45):
cutting your hair cut.
I was like, Oh my gosh, it'ssupposed to be this way.
So thank you for being here.
Thank you for being willing tojust share your story.
Your story, just shed so muchlight into other people's lives.
It kind of lets them know thatthey're not alone.
And that.
Shit happens.
There's all sorts of things thathappen in our life, good and
(01:05):
bad, that make us human.
And that's all part of it.
Our journey, everybody's journeyis valuable and sometimes you
think I'm not doing it right orI should have done it this way.
And I spent a lot of time doingthat.
But You know, you asked me, Arethere certain things you don't
want to talk about?
And, and I thought, No, I mean,you caught me at a time.
(01:29):
It was like kismet that we raninto each other when we did
because this is a moment whereI'm just really coming into
appreciating.
That, my story is valid and thatI don't have anything to hide a
year ago.
I might've been like, Oh, Idon't really want people to know
I'm such an older mom.
I'm just, you know, I lookyounger.
I think that you do, you told mea little bit, but I feel like I
(01:55):
look younger.
I don't, I don't have to give upmy age.
I'm married to this man who was17 years younger than I am.
And so if people know his age.
They'll probably just be like,Oh, she looks like she might be
a couple years old or so, youknow, maybe 40, 42.
So why they don't need to knowthat.
Right.
And then, you know, recently I,I started to realize like my
(02:15):
kids are getting to the agewhere they're really focused on
who's turning what.
And my daughter's like, I'm fourand I'm almost your size.
She started to get excited aboutgrowing up.
Eventually.
And she'll go, daddy, how oldare you?
And he'll say 37.
And mommy, how old are you?
I'm 54.
And then it's like, right now,those numbers really don't mean
(02:37):
anything to her, but eventuallyin just a couple of years they
will.
And her friends are going to belike, well, my mom's this or
your mom.
And I don't want my kid to feellike there's any reason to be
embarrassed about who their momis or how old she is or how this
journey came to exactly,exactly.
So yeah, this is like, this isthe perfect time.
(02:58):
You know, growing into that ittakes a while.
It takes experience to kind ofbe at that point where you're
like, you know what?
This is me.
I'm bringing all of me.
This is who I am.
And if you like it, that'sgreat.
If you don't like it, that'sokay.
Because I'm teaching mydaughter.
You know what?
Some people are not going tolike you and that's okay.
(03:18):
Not everybody has to like you orwhat you did or, your life.
So, yes.
So Maria, tell us your story.
Give us like work.
So well, I probably had a littlecircuitous journey to get to
where I am because in college Isort of was, partying a little
bit and not settling down.
And then when I finally didsettle down, it was with
(03:40):
somebody that I really realizedover time.
I didn't love him.
I never.
Did, but I didn't know what lovewas and I didn't understand and
I had insecurities fromchildhood trauma and so on that
I didn't really understand whatthat was supposed to be like,
what's it supposed to be likewhen somebody really loves you
and just cares about you andtreats you with so much respect
and you.
Decide that this is the personworthy of sharing a life with.
(04:02):
You know, I, when I met mycurrent husband, I had just
gotten separated and I was like,I'm going to play the field.
And then I met this guy and Iwas like, why do you check every
single box?
You're not supposed to you'reyou're too young.
And actually then it started outas like, well, because you're so
(04:24):
young, I'm just going to havefun with you.
Yes.
So I think that was actuallykind of the recipe for our
success.
Insane chemistry.
And then we're like, there's nostrings attached.
We can just have fun.
And then because of that, wewere our true selves.
And you know, that's the lessonfrom that is just be your true
self, no matter.
(04:45):
But you're with, because they'renot worth it if you can't be
that true self.
And so in finding that you know,I remember just thinking like,
Hey, you're, you're a lotyounger and I'm kind of past the
age where I'm going to be aparent.
And that was one thing about myex husband is he didn't want to
have kids.
And, I sort of thought, okay,well, maybe I don't want to have
kids.
And I sort of suppressed thatpart of me.
(05:08):
And you know that that's finetoo.
But then when I met my currenthusband, Matt I didn't want to
do to him what I felt had beendone to me.
We're here.
My, reproductive years had goneas I thought they were behind
me.
And then now it wasn't even achoice.
So I wanted to make sure he wasvery clear and he was sort of
where I was.
(05:28):
In my previous relationshipworld, like, okay, well, if you
don't really want to, it's okay.
We can have a fun life withoutit.
And then come to find out wehad, I had a scare and I came to
him very worried.
Like, Hey.
I think I'm pregnant and thiswas kind of crazy because
neither one of us had talkedabout this or wanted it, or, we
(05:50):
said we didn't.
And then when I finally, youknow, the normal cycle thing
that happens happen.
And I was like, Oh, I guess I'mnot pregnant.
We were both really deeply sad.
Oh, and so then we were like,Oh, I guess we have something to
talk about.
We talked about it and then longstory short.
(06:12):
So I met him when I was 46 andthis conversation was happening
at 48 and then we sawimmediately.
So I, interestingly, it was aprevious personal trainer told
me my sister just went throughfertility treatments and.
At your age.
I think you should see someoneright away.
And I, I have so much gratitudeto Morgan for that because she,
(06:34):
if it wasn't because she saidthat I could have wasted the
last year or two, I had that afertility doctor or an
obstetrician would really feelsafe going through this journey
with me.
So we immediately saw someoneand we were kind of shocked at
the numbers like, Oh yeah, yourovaries just, they're not.
They're not like the factory'sgetting ready to close.
This is going to be really hardwithout help.
(06:55):
So then we you know, saw all theoptions and, and really the best
and the fastest option was justto use a donor egg.
So.
That was, that's actually beenpart that I've had struggled
with the most because whenpeople are like, Oh, your
daughter looks just like yourhusband and things like that,
I'm happy for that.
(07:16):
But then there's this littlepart of me that's like, Oh, I
couldn't give that.
But finally it's like, there'sso much more like when you carry
a child, you mix DNA with them.
And their personality is.
Like with you all day.
I mean, they're, they're yourchild 100 percent more than,
(07:38):
than just having provided a, acell, right?
And even with those adoptedparents, cause I don't know if
you know Tamra, Tamra's adopted.
No, I didn't know that.
Yes, she's adopted and herparents are her parents.
They chose her.
They took care of her.
They raised her.
They loved her.
(07:59):
She's nothing like them.
But at the same time, she's somuch like them because of that
community.
You carry that child.
There's so much to be said aboutthat as well.
Well, I thought about peoplewith adopted children and I
thought about, you know, weknow.
Three families that are queergay, you know, the two male and
(08:21):
one female where they havechildren and they've had to do
the donor thing I don't think atall of them that they're any
less of parents or that thosechildren are.
So I started to ask myself, whydo you judge yourself with a
harsher lens than you judgeanybody else?
Because it comes back from ourparents.
So I was going to come back tothat, your backstory.
(08:44):
I grew up with a single mom, mydad came into my picture a
little bit later on and then hepassed.
So there was a moment ofclosure.
It was good.
It was good.
I felt I spent the time that Ineeded.
I forgave whatever I felt like Ineeded to.
And I asked him for forgiveness.
You know, it was his last yearis his last few months of his
life.
(09:05):
I was glad that I.
was able to take that in andtake advantage of the short time
that I had to get to know him,to record his voice, you take
care of them.
You groom them.
You love them.
Whatever it is.
I have a stepson as well.
I had problems.
Getting pregnant.
I actually got, well, Ishouldn't say I had problems
getting pregnant.
I had problems carrying thepregnancy to term.
(09:28):
So I had two miscarriages and Iwas an older mom, right?
I was 37 the first time and 38the second time, you know, and
so I have lost those and it wasjust so heartbreaking.
And I came to terms with, youknow, if Jameson's going to be
my only son, well then.
And I'm going to love him andhe's going to be perfect and
(09:51):
we'll have so much more incomefor other things.
You know, I came to terms.
I know.
Because kids are expensive.
It took a while.
I took, I went through agrieving process of that, but
like you said, it's just it'sall the same.
And I love him.
It's it's hard.
We're different.
He's half Chinese and white.
(10:13):
My husband's white and I'mMexican.
And just some of the culturethings are very different.
So you just come to terms withthat.
And Sofia is so much more likeme.
She is such a Latina.
And loud and your face and saysit like it is still sensitive,
but yeah, it's true.
(10:33):
Like, like a Latina that just,yeah.
And then you think about thepeople who are 100 percent their
parents DNA and then they comeout like totally different
people.
So it's just not that simple.
Not that simple.
Yeah.
I'm very happy.
I've come to terms with this andI'm, proud of what happened.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm proud of, like, I was sointentional about these
(10:56):
children, you chose it.
You, that was it.
You chose the egg.
You for both of them.
Yeah.
So they're what my obstetricianlikes to call twiddlings.
They were twins in a lab.
They were fertilized from thesame donor, but they're, mad
sperm and they used it tofertilize.
An egg from this same donor.
We look at these girls sometimesand we laugh because we're like,
(11:18):
one of you could have been theolder one.
Like Fiona's our little one.
And we're like, you could havebeen the older one.
And boy, would we have beenangry if that had happened?
Because Katarina was the hardbaby.
And we would have been like,what?
This is not what I signed upfor, but at least we went in
eyes wide open because our firstwas a very.
(11:39):
Difficult baby to get to sleep.
And I mean, you had to tiptoelike crazy or on her and the, if
she, and if you breathe tooloud, she would wake up.
And then Fiona came along andlike, you set her down in the
bassinet the first day in thehospital and she was out.
So we got the easy one second,but it's really funny to think
about the fact that they're,they're kind of twins, they're
(12:00):
21 months apart and, you know,had I not been 50.
At the time of my firstdelivery, so I got pregnant at
49 and then delivered just aftera couple months after my 50th
birthday.
And then I had to rush to getthat second baby in me because
really 50 is the oldest thatthey sort of cut you off.
(12:23):
Wow.
But the fertility doctor shesaid, you know, if your
obstetrician wants to certifythat she'll take care of you,
that's all we need.
We just need someone to sayyou're healthy and have to go
through with it.
And honestly, my OB would tellme all the time, you're
healthier than.
Like half of my 35 year olds, soI had no problems.
I really had two easypregnancies.
(12:44):
I mean, you know, pregnancy,easy in quotation marks, right?
Cause it's big, you're big,you're swollen, you're, yeah,
you can't breathe.
But they were all the normalthings you were supposed to be
experiencing during pregnancy,never had even like high blood
pressure.
So.
They were, they were easy.
So my OB was like, yeah, sure.
Of course you can have a second.
(13:04):
but I didn't have the luxury oftime to say, Oh, let me just
totally soak up this baby tillshe turns one.
I was like, okay, you're ninemonths old.
I got to get on this now.
Had to wean her and the wholething.
I'm really glad actually thathappened because these two are
best friends now.
I mean, time will tell if theystay that way.
(13:24):
I tell my husband it's going tobe this way till one of them
steals the other one'sboyfriend.
But right now they're justbesties and they play with each
other.
And if we can like have aconversation, cause the two of
them are off playing and youknow, their pretend world and
all this stuff, they're, they'readorable.
That is so perfect.
I have a single 10, so it's alittle bit challenging, you
know, because Jameson is 10years older than Sophia.
(13:47):
I look at pictures of Sophia andI, we have the same nose and
some of the same things, but itreally does.
Like show you how different andthe same it could be because
personality wise, we are a lotalike.
As I raised her, I really haveto, it's like going back to my
childhood and really havingwords for emotions and really
(14:09):
understanding that, right?
I'm touring the schools now.
Like I, I nearly like teared upwhen I, you know, went through
this, this Elementary schoolthat went up the stairs.
And I was like, these stairs,all elementary schools have the
same stairs.
And it was just like, wow, whata flashback.
(14:29):
It is powerful.
And I can't believe it's alreadytime for doing that stuff.
But right.
So is that the preschool?
I'm kind of looking ateverything to see if we start it
earlier or if we just wait itout at the, you know, keep her
at the preschool and then do aregular kindergarten start.
So, yeah, it's great.
(14:50):
It's a part time job right now.
It is.
I wouldn't have put Sophia intoMontessori school had my
neighbor not been in Montessorischool.
I had a, caretaker and she wasSpanish, so I love that, right?
You know, you gotta preserve thelanguage.
Yeah.
And my neighbor was like, I'mputting Dave in to Montessori
school.
(15:10):
You should look into it.
And I was like, wow, I don'tknow.
She's three.
Yeah.
But that's perfect.
That's when they start and theyteach them all the skills,
right?
And it's socialization becauseit would have been just her.
Yeah.
That was a good turn for me.
Everything happens for a reason.
I mean, that's, that was part ofwhat I was telling you.
Everything, every turn, everymistake, everything you've ever
(15:33):
done, it landed you to the placethat you needed to be so that
you become who you really are.
And sometimes it's, it's fun,easy, light, and sometimes it's
dark, hard, rough, but it's,it's perfectly for the way
you're supposed to be, likeright here and right now.
It's the way it turns out.
(15:54):
And like I said, some peoplegrow up with two parents or one
parents.
Did you grow up with twoparents?
My parents got divorced when Iwas probably 10, they were
separated when I was seven.
And then it was like an extendedbecause it's like, they didn't
want to be divorced.
My dad was kind of a naughtyguy.
But they truly had this love youknow, for what it's worth, the
(16:14):
machismo Culture of Cuban men.
I'm married, but that doesn'tmean I'm dead, right?
So they were divorced, legallydivorced for probably four
years.
And then I had the pleasure ofwitnessing my parents wedding.
Most people can't say thatbecause they remarried when I
was 15.
And I wasn't old enough to be awitness, but my brother was, and
(16:37):
he was a witness to my parentsremarrying.
And then My dad moved back inand that was a rough time
because I was like, Whoa, whoa,wait, your rules are a little
off the hook here.
Mom and I've had this figuredout.
And I don't know if you noticed,but I grew up a little bit since
you last lived with us.
So that was like some growingpains, but.
(16:57):
Is she, was she American?
American?
No, Cubans.
They met in Cuba.
They met in Cuba.
They had some friend whointroduced them and then they
got together.
And within nine months, they'relike, let's get married and get
out of here.
This is bad here.
And they fled the Castro regime.
And my mom was seven monthspregnant when they got here.
(17:18):
And my brother, luckily, wasn't.
Born premature or something.
He was born here and then ofcourse they were poor immigrants
So it took them several years todecide they're gonna have number
two and try for the girl and sothere's so much there There's so
much there.
Was she were you here in Seattleor oh, no, Miami so I've been in
(17:41):
Seattle for 18 years and thatwas My ex husband's idea to move
to Seattle.
So we were dating and I waslike, well, why don't we get
married then and move?
That's one of those situationswhere I think that was a
mistake, but then I think, no,look where I am now, nothing
I've done until this point couldbe a mistake because it landed
(18:01):
me here.
But in other times I would havesaid.
That was a mistake becausereally then I was married to
this guy and I should have seenearlier that he wasn't for me,
but because it went the way itwent, and then I met Matt when I
did everything worked out justfine.
But that's how I ended up here.
And what's funny is he did toobecause his ex who he wasn't
(18:23):
married to but like basicallycommon law for seven years, they
moved here because of her.
And so we had the same storywhen we met that, oh yeah,
someone else brought me here.
But now they left and I'vestayed and I really like it here
and, I really like you.
So here we are.
(18:43):
Isn't that crazy?
You know what I was thinkingwhen you were telling your story
about like, you know, he wasmachismo and still wanted to
continue to date because my dad,the same thing.
Yeah, yeah.
And I finally went to go visit.
Some family members in Texas.
That's where his he grew up at.
So my cousin was telling me,Yeah, I just thought in pute and
(19:05):
exactly.
I see.
Yeah.
Pero si quieres aputear.
Aputear.
Hilarious.
I just laughed.
I laughed because she was there.
The language is so rough, butit's so true.
It's rough.
It's rough.
There's no euphemisms inHispanic language.
(19:27):
for better or worse.
I know people have to deal withus.
Exactly.
But then, you know, even thoughI spent years judging my mom,
like, ah, she's so, I can'tbelieve it.
She's so beautiful.
She could have dated anyone.
And then later on, I was justhappy that my parents were
together.
Cause when he was dying and Isaw those two together, it was
(19:52):
love.
And it's, that's what love does.
It breaks down barriers, youknow?
That really touches you.
It's tender.
You have to remember thatfeeling and your kids remember
that feeling because they aremore in touch with it.
As we get older, we get morejaded with life.
(20:13):
Yeah.
When did your dad pass?
So he passed it was, let's see,I met Matt in 2015.
He had a stroke in 2016 and thenhe died in 2017 after a year
really of suffering because hewas, you know, paralyzed on one
side, it was, it was a sad year,but my mom was there by his side
(20:33):
and and I was there by his sideat the end and I got to be there
for my mom.
She died last year, just over ayear ago.
It was just early December wasthe one year anniversary.
So that's rough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A little sentimental.
Because we miss them.
Yeah.
I don't know what your view isabout death.
(20:54):
I've seen a lot of it, just,even just like me.
Right?
Yeah.
It's, I've just come to termswith, you know, they're not
really gone.
Right.
Their spirit is still around.
I can feel my brother atdifferent times.
Yeah.
and you can call them back,right?
Because I spend time with theirkids.
And they just remind you so muchof your brothers.
(21:19):
And so it's just crazy, but Ibelieve we are all just one, and
that there's so much more tothis life, and in so many,
intricate patterns and detailsSophia was born on the day my
brother died.
Oh boy.
Yes, like a nine year differencethough.
It's so, it's just good.
Oh, I was gonna say, not theexact date, right?
(21:40):
Okay.
No, not the exact date.
Wow.
But it brought a little bit oflight there.
Like, who's to say what thatwould happen?
And every now and then, I'llfeel.
Their presence or their spiritor a funny memory and it just,
it makes me laugh and cry at thesame time because it's just, I
(22:00):
don't feel like they're gone andyeah, I miss them and I watch
their kids grow and you see themjust so amazing considering
they're not around.
To see that again, a year sincemy mom died and she lived with
us for like 14 months becauseshe came out.
(22:23):
Katarina was a newborn.
And then she got grounded here.
So she really had a thirdparent.
You know, my mom, her grandma,her abuela was here though her
whole beginning of her life, shewas just part of it.
So then when she dies, she'slike, she doesn't understand
what does death mean?
You know?
So it took months and months andmonths.
I think she's finally getting itfor her to realize that.
(22:47):
Oh, I really am never going tosee her again, but, like you
said, through like, teddy bearswith, you know, her nightgown
that the girls got and lookingat her stuff and just things,
you know, her legacies here allaround us.
So.
Yeah, we always tell her she'sin your heart and you all you
have to do is just stop for amoment and like, feel it because
(23:10):
it's there.
and they remember that like thecrazy thing is like Sophia, she
remembers.
Even though she's never met him.
She's seen all these pictures.
No, there's enough there thatshe there's enough there that
yeah, my that's my uncle andthere was a lot of us.
So was there just you two, yourbrother, two of us, my brother,
(23:31):
me.
And then it was really nicebecause, you know, this was our
first Christmas, really normalChristmas without our mom.
And so he flew out with hisfamily and the eight of us spent
it together and it was lovely.
You know, she was always theconnection.
The reason I flew to Florida oryou know, I mean, he, obviously
they came for our wedding andthings like that, but like, if
my mom, when she was stuck hereand she was having surgery, he
(23:53):
flew out and, I wanted to makesure, you know, she's gone, but
she would want us to still havereasons to go see each other.
So we made sure we spentChristmas together and hopefully
it's a tradition that, you know,we keep taking trips together or
at least visiting each otherfrequently.
It's a long flight, it is.
And like they always say, like,Es una rama que tienes que
(24:14):
regar.
Una rama que tienes que regar.
I like that.
With anything.
Any friendship, any adult.
I have adult friendships andit's it's that.
It's like you constantly have towant more.
And I'm a lot closer to mysisters, but death has brought
us a lot closer together.
Yeah.
And even with my brother, evenwith the amount of us.
(24:36):
You have to appreciate the timethat you have, cause that's
going to pass.
Right.
And just be, enjoy it and be.
Present.
Just show up, be aware, beyourself and have that
conversation and fight and talkand just, you know, I learned
that like just straight up andlike, all right, get over it.
Are you done with that?
(24:57):
Like you're still, you're stillfamily.
You can still have aconversation or say, Hey, I
didn't say that quite well, oryou know, we were all grieving.
So it didn't come out all thatright.
Sensitive.
Can we move past that?
Yep.
It's always there.
It's always available.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
(25:17):
One of the things I've struggledwith is being an older mom, am I
going to be here less time formy girls then, you know, someone
who had their kids at 25 wouldbe, and yeah, probably, but
that's also another thing that'slike, you really don't know what
life's gonna bring.
I could live to be 102.
You know, someone could get aterrible disease at 35.
(25:37):
It's just whatever your path isand we don't even know what it
is.
But.
Like you said, whatever it is,just assume it's not long
because it really does fly byanyway.
Yeah.
And then that gives you moreincentive.
It gives you more incentives totake care of yourself, your
health.
Like your body is really themost important.
(25:57):
It really is.
It's the only home that youreally live in.
I mean, you're going to own allthese other homes, but if you
don't take care of yourself, youdon't keep moving.
That's incentive for me.
I am an older mom, but I don'tfeel like that.
I just recently trained somebodyand I just started with her and
she was just like, I just wantto get on the court again.
She was like a collegiatebasketball player and she says,
(26:20):
I'm just feeling old and she's36.
And I was like, Oh, I'm like 10years older than you, girl.
She's like, no way.
I said, yes.
I said, that's just the numbernow, like, have you ever seen
those blue zones?
People live to be longer if youtake care of yourself, if you
have community, if you have asense of purposes, not just a
purpose, but purposes, and youreally are yourself.
(26:42):
Like, you feel like you havesomething to give.
And that is your story.
That is a piece of work and art.
It's your legacy.
And you don't know how long youdo have.
So you have to own what youreally have and take care of it.
Feed yourself, good food,exercise, move.
Get rid of the occasional flunk.
(27:04):
The occasional flunk.
Exactly.
You know, everything inmoderation.
Even moderation.
I say that because I just mademy mom's flunk for New Year's
Eve.
Do you have a tradition for NewYear's Eve?
No, she just always made a flanwhen it was an important event,
(27:25):
somebody's birthday, you know,whatever.
That was her thing.
She brought the flan.
And everyone was like, Conchita,va a ser un flan.
It was exciting.
Even Matt's friends, all hisAmerican friends are like, Oh, I
really liked your mom's flan.
So yeah, now I have to carry thetorch.
So I started this year.
(27:45):
Good.
Oh, that is really good.
It is.
And, you know, you can start anytradition.
I started ponche, just like whenI came back from Mexico.
Making ponche for Christmas, forChristmas Eve.
You know, and it could be ponchethat Ponche that kids can drink?
Yes, ponche that kids can drinkand then you, and then you put
(28:05):
rum in your own.
Okay, okay.
But Sofia loves the ponche.
She's like, Mom, are you goingto make it?
I was like, yeah.
And my girlfriend that normallyis with us, for Christmas Eve
wasn't here.
So I had to make it.
Oh, okay.
I don't know how.
Oh, I see.
You gotta take the torch.
And it came out delicious, youknow.
And now this last year westarted champorado, which is
(28:29):
another drink, you know, una,una bebida, como se dice
navideña, navideña.
Navideña.
Yeah, una bebida navideña.
Champurría.
Champoron.
Champorado.
And it's like made with masa.
It's like a cornmeal.
Oh, it's so good.
(28:50):
It tastes like abuelita'schocolate.
Wow.
And then it's got cornmeal, soit's got a little heft in it.
I have to look at that.
We make crema de vie, which Ialso made this year.
It's basically liquid flan.
It's the same six eggs and lechecondensada and leche evaporada.
(29:10):
And there's just a minordifference.
Instead of burning the sugar soit'll be on the top of the
front.
You just melt it and you pourthis simple sugar into it, and
then you're supposed to make itwith rum.
My rum, my aunt used to my tia.
Cheeky.
She would make it with like awhole cup of rum in there for
like, what was the equivalent ofa liter of.
(29:32):
So hers was very spiked and ithad to be very sweet, but you
know, it's definitely not goodif you are trying to keep the
hemoglobin A1C down, becomingdiabetic.
That is a pure sugar drink.
It's the sugar in the rum andthe sugar in the drink.
But I made it this year becauseI really wanted to make all my
mom's things.
(29:52):
Yes.
So crema de billet is basicallyeggnog.
Yes.
I call it Cuban eggnog.
Oh, good.
And you know, it's just, it'sthat holiday, right?
It's like that one special timethat you get to make it.
It's not like you have it allthe time.
Exactly.
That's like, that's thedifference.
Like, I make it with real sugar.
I make it with, they call itpiloncillo.
(30:15):
It's the more natural sugar.
It's before it becomes refined.
And it comes in like a littlecute, in a, like a cone shaped
thing.
Have you heard of it?
Piloncillo.
Yeah.
It's so good.
And then cinnamon andeverything.
So I could see like, you're onlygoing to have that, that time.
So it's good to have thosetraditions.
Those are the ones that areworth having.
We do too, as Latinos have tothink about like our genes.
(30:39):
I just went and got my bloodwork done and I got, I got a
high blood pressure and I eatreally good.
Yeah.
You're the healthiest person.
I'm happy.
You're in the top fivehealthiest people I know.
And she said it could be geneticand so we can take out these
numbers and we can try a coupleof these and she's like, just
add more fiber and let's look atthe other numbers and it's just
(31:02):
great to have like a littlepinpoint of your blood work done
and be like, okay, what can Ifocus on?
Because I do want to livelonger.
I do want to keep up with mygirl.
You know, I do want to run withher and do different things and
get up and off the floor easily.
Not feel like an old lady yeah.
Douglas are this yoga teacher.
(31:23):
We used to all take classes withand go on retreats with, he
always said, if you can get upoff the floor that adds 20 years
to your life, like as long asyou can do that, you have, much
longer to live.
So there you go.
And that's why you look likeyou're 36.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Maybe I think 38 now.
(31:45):
for flattering me.
Kids do.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I got, I got four gray hairs, Igot four canas, and I named
them.
Oh my gosh.
One of them is Matt, one of themis Sophia, one of them is Earl,
and my last one is my brotherRocky.
Oh wow.
Oh my gosh.
Well, I've made one for eachnight that my children have
(32:08):
given me.
So, how many, 365 times four?
For that might be how many.
Okay.
I spent so much time beingunhealthy earlier in my life
that now it's time to behealthy.
It's like, I have more of apurpose.
(32:28):
And a reason to stay healthy.
So yes, and we're women.
I love to dress up and look goodand feel good.
So you, your mom came duringCOVID and that's why she got
locked down, right?
Yeah.
She was just here to stay withme for two months.
Cause I had a four month old.
And she was the best, best momever.
(32:50):
She was so helpful, dedicated, Istill wish she was here to
encourage me because parentingis hard, being a mom is hard.
So to have someone tell, youyou're so patient, you're so
good, you're so, you know, itwas like, oh, okay, thanks mom.
I was really doubting my, myquality as a parent right now,
cause I've slept two hours andit happens to all of us.
Yeah.
(33:11):
Maybe I'll get a shower soon.
So she yeah, she was just hereto help and she's super helpful.
And like my lifeline and thenyeah, COVID happened and we're
like, no, you have everycomorbidity that they have
talked about that makes it areally bad disease to have.
So you're not going anywhere.
And she lived with us until, soshe flew out in January.
(33:34):
And then she stayed till thefollowing March when she finally
got her COVID vaccine series.
We waited, we counted the daystill like 14 to 21 days after
her second shot and everything,like it was very coordinated
because we were going to makesure she was protected.
And she went home and then shecame back, she was able to visit
one or two more times.
(33:55):
So that was nice.
It wasn't like that was it, butthat was just a nice.
Chunk of time when people ask,like, what was the silver lining
of COVID that's my major silverlining from COVID is having my
mom here.
Cause I don't think I otherwisewould have had gotten to know
her on such a deeper level andhaving her around and having her
watch the struggles of, being afirst time mom was really, it
(34:17):
was really powerful.
It was very valuable.
And then now when I see that my,second child barely speaks any
Spanish and I realized why it'sbecause it's my fault.
I don't do it.
It's my mother was here and wewould speak Spanish all day long
and then Catherine would pick itup and you know, and they're
both in a.
bilingual preschool now.
And it's cute.
You know, they come home andthey bring their Spanish songs
(34:38):
home and yeah.
And they stop on the floor orwhatever.
But I'm like, my everydayconversations are not the same
in terms of bringing the Spanishin.
It feels like, Oh yeah, right.
I have to remember.
And that's different from whenshe was here.
And it was just, it's just whatwe did.
(34:58):
It's a challenge for me.
It's easy to switch back intothe English.
Her first two caregivers wereSpanish speakers.
And I and she's I know theyanswer me in Spanish.
Nobody talks Spanish mom.
I know.
I did it myself.
It's not cool.
I know exactly.
You just want to blend in.
(35:19):
I went to bilingual elementaryschool, so it's my Spanish is
good.
But everyone else in my worldspeaks English.
So it's very natural.
Not to think it's in English Iwould make Kettering asked for
milk.
If she said, can I have milk?
I'd say.
I don't understand you inSpanish.
Leche por favor.
She finally remembered.
Like learned how to say that andshe would remember every time.
(35:39):
Like she would immediately likeshoot back with it.
Leche por favor.
She's like I know what's goingto come next.
And then, Fiona the little one,sometimes she'll say it.
It's kind of funny to hear herbecause her Spanish is terrible.
Adorable.
So I try.
I swear she's eight.
(36:04):
So I just come to terms that Ido my best.
And when she's in high school,she'll pick it back up because
she's not in a bilingual programright now at Maple.
There is none.
It's very challenging to getinto the international schools,
what a bummer.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Because when we go to Mexico,like we just got back from
(36:26):
Mexico and they talked to her inSpanish.
And when Matt makes a mistakeand says, No lo entiende o si lo
entiende?
Si lo entiende.
Y si lo entiende.
And when my husband will saysomething and say it wrong, she
looks at me and laughs.
Oh my gosh, you guys are like aBarbie movie.
(36:47):
It's hilarious.
I took her to that by the way.
My Matt looks at his mother whenwe were watching the movie with
her because she had never seenit and he looked at her and he's
like, it's exactly like thatmom.
That's the same treatment.
It gets like, no, it is, likeyou said, when I was younger, I
just wanted to blend in.
I didn't want to speak Spanishor be different.
(37:09):
I didn't want to stick outbecause I really stuck out.
I was in Homedale, Idaho.
Just imagine that like, Oh mygosh.
Six out of like our 50 studentsthat spoke Spanish.
And most of those were mybrothers and sisters.
Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious,right?
She'll pick it up.
Another mom was talking to meand she said my daughter was the
same way.
(37:30):
She'll pick it up later on.
And now she speaks Spanishfluently.
So don't worry about it.
You just do your best.
And we have that conversation.
Yes.
You know, you can understand somuch more, can't you?
She's like, yeah, I just can'tcommunicate.
Well, that's why we talk.
Por eso lo hablamos, casa,cuando podemos.
And it's a file.
It's just a file in the brainthat you can exactly access.
(37:53):
And then, yep, you can add toit.
File is there.
It's waiting to be filled.
And then the other thing I wasgoing to ask you too, because
you already hit on a lot.
You already said in so manyways, but what does strength
mean to you?
Like, Qué es fuerte?
Fuerza.
Fuerza.
(38:15):
Ah, that's a good one.
It's feeling like you're at alow point and somehow figuring
out how to pick yourself up.
And doing it better and knowingthat you weren't supposed to be
perfect, I guess, you know, andyou're never perfect.
(38:37):
You just keep working towardsbetter your whole life, yeah,
you're trying to achieve it, butit's not that you get there.
That's not actually the purpose.
The purpose is to keep strivingfor better.
Yes.
So.
I mean, I think I just came upwith that right now, but I think
(38:57):
that's all it is because I mean,the biggest struggles of my life
is have happened in the lastfour years.
Sure.
I went through some stuff, butreally the things that really
challenged my identity and who Ithink I am, or I want to be to
people, or, you know, I mean,like being a mom changes your
entire world.
Yeah.
It does.
(39:17):
You didn't even know you werethis person until you step into
those shoes.
And so that, like these lastfour and a half years of that
constant extreme under pressuregrowth.
It's really, I think, has reallymatured my thinking for what is.
(39:40):
What is strength and what isresiliency, really?
That's so true.
You learn it.
You experience.
You own it.
And then you pass it on.
And then they get it.
Your kids get it.
Your friends get it.
Your community gets it in awhole different light.
Like what affects them and theiridea of strength is so
different.
(40:00):
I was going to say that insharing it with your kids, like
you say, sometimes you feellike, oh, I don't want my kids
to think I lose my patience or,you know, I just want to show
them the best side of me.
But then what's important isthat you realize that's just
part of being human.
And when I tell my kid, Hey, I'msorry, I really shouldn't have
lost my patience or I'm sorry Iyelled at you or, I'm going to
(40:20):
try to be better.
You were teaching them so much.
You're teaching them that it'sit's okay to be wrong.
It's okay to admit it.
And so many times we're, we'reembarrassed of something we did
wrong.
We hide it.
And when you admit it, when youbring it out to the air, the
light of day, it's liberatingit's power over you goes away.
Just being able to share that.
With your kids is amazingbecause you get to see them
(40:43):
blossom into this little personwho never thought of that
before.
And now, and now there's thishuge chunk of their personality
that is new.
And you open up dialogue too.
I think that's a big one.
It's like that must have scaredyou.
And I know that was monster mom.
I know that must have scaredyou.
(41:05):
Mommy was scary.
What did you think?
And then they share and it'slike, it's like a knife in the
heart.
It's a knife, but then you gothrough it together and then
you, you do come out stronger onthe other side.
And then they feel like it'sokay to make mistakes and they
can go back and they can always,it's always an opportunity to
open up dialogue.
(41:26):
And I think if you can keeplike, I keep reparenting myself
because they didn't have thatlanguage, that emotional
language that they're teachingthe kids now in their class.
There's a class.
I know it's called emotionalSEO.
Yes.
every school we've gone to, it'slike our SEO.
I'm like, well, it's a goodthing I've been on five tours.
(41:47):
Cause now I know what SEL standsfor.
I said, I needed that class.
He's Sophia.
What are you learning there?
And she's like, Oh, theemotions.
And Oh, you can have one morethan one at the same time.
And Oh, that's so great.
Like I did not learn that it'sso good.
And so when Something like thathappens, it's something to
(42:09):
reference, like, oh yes, that'swhat happened.
That's why I didn't really knowhow to do that.
That's, we get dysregulated andkids are not convenient.
Especially when you're in astore and they have a meltdown
or they're sleepy, hungry,whatever it is.
It's just so unconvenient.
It's always the wrong time forthem.
(42:30):
It's always the wrong time.
It is.
So I hear you and it's havingthe ability to teach them and
learn yourself how to regulateyourself because I can get
triggered.
There's something that'llhappen.
And I recently heard that youget triggered because it reminds
you of something in yourchildhood.
Those are the things thattrigger you the most.
And so knowing that now I'mlike, Oh God, so much sense.
(42:56):
Because her abuela died, she washaving a hard time dealing with
it emotionally.
we were taking Katerina to playtherapy for a little bit and you
know, she would just go thereand like the plan that the
therapist had never really went,would go through because she was
just like, I want to direct howI play and she would do her
thing and play with her toys andwhatever and not do the plan for
(43:16):
the day.
But eventually the therapist waslike, really, what's important
is that, number one, you haveyour one on one time with her.
That's super valuable to her.
But number two, really all I'mteaching you is to regulate
yourself.
Regulate your own emotionsbecause you co regulate and
that's going to be how shelearns to regulate.
And I was like, Oh, okay.
(43:37):
Well, that's a lot harder thanjust bringing her to you and
having you pull out some dollsand have her talk about how she
feels.
So anyway, so that's the, that'sthe next.
Milestone.
Oh my gosh.
It's so good too because we growat the same time.
Yeah.
As she's going through thatyou're learning that and as
(43:58):
we're talking about like how mything this last year is just how
to self soothe.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
How can I teach?
Mama needs some quiet time too,baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
So it's so helpful.
It really is.
Because it used to be theirsleep, right?
That's what they needed toregulate themselves.
(44:20):
And then it, it switches fromsleep to like, play to like
reading.
Mm-Hmm.
to like just staying still.
That is the most challengingthing for me as an adult and, I
have high energy and I move andgo as much as possible.
So just to take the time out,just to sit still.
Yeah.
It's, it's work, but it's worthit.
(44:41):
It's like I always get a nuggetfrom some session that I just
sit down just.
That's amazing.
Or walk or whatever that time isfor yourself.
Yeah.
We all need it.
Yeah.
I'm learning how to do that toowith the help of my husband.
It's good.
You can say that like mom and Ineed some little bit of time and
(45:01):
I will be back.
Even on vacation, because it'svacation, you know, with your
family 24 7, right?
And so I would get up a littleearlier just to take a coffee
and yes, go look at the oceanand just not have to take care
of anybody but myself.
And then I would come backready.
I'm ready to conquer.
(45:23):
All right, Maria.
Thank you so much.
I feel flattered.
It's so great to hear yourstory.
I was thinking about this beforeI got on the call with you is.
We read so much about parenting,we read so much about art, and
stories, and biographies, andnon fiction, fiction, and
(45:45):
movies, and everything, it's theway that pulls what we have out
into the open, right?
And then we learn from it.
That's so much of what we dowhen we have a connection with
other people, right?
We hear their story and how theydo it.
I remember I told a mom, I waslike, it's early release.
And I forgot to pick up mydaughter and she's like, yeah,
(46:08):
I've done that too.
It's hard.
I was like, Oh, that's all youneed.
Sometimes it's like, Oh man, Imade a lady cry at the container
store.
Cause I was like, a plusparenting mom, I'm listening.
And I have a toddler too.
You're hitting all the rightthings.
And she just started crying.
She's like, Thank you so much.
It's so hard sometimes.
(46:28):
And I was like, Oh my gosh,you're going to make me cry in
the life.
This is not what I was goingfor, but it was a beautiful
moment.
It just helps us Just like standa little taller knowing that
that does happen and it's okayas long as we correct it and
move forward and and then shareit with other people and that's
(46:49):
what life is all about is doingit together and we're supposed
to be right.
Yeah.
Supposed to share.
Bye all.
Okay.
Okay.
(47:10):
Bye bye.
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