November 7, 2024 • 26 mins
Join us as we unravel the remarkable journey of Risa Schessel, who galvanized her sense of gratitude and Jewish identity following a health crisis. Risa's early years were shaped by constant relocations and a distant connection to her faith, but her path took a fascinating turn during her time at the University of Texas and her involvement in a Christian sorority. Her story takes a transformative leap after she moved to New York and married Harry, an Orthodox Jew, leading to their shared decision to raise their children in the Jewish tradition. This pivotal choice deepened Risa’s engagement with Judaism, culminating in her becoming an adult Bat Mitzvah.
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Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (00:04):
The human story is the search for
belonging, from childhood toadulthood, in joy and in
struggle, we all sit inquestions of how to make sense
of it all.
What is our place?
Why are we here?
What is our story of searching?
Join us in conversation withcommunity members each sharing
some of their own story.
(00:26):
I am Ben Spratt and this isBelonging, so I have the true
honor and pleasure to be sittingwith fellow CRS member and dear
friend, Risa Shessel.
So many things to say about Sofor 18 years, Risa was actually
in brand management, runninglicensing divisions at Time Inc.
and Hearst Magazine.
Risa, but a few words.
Risa Shessel so many things tosay about Risa, but a few words.
(00:49):
She is now the executive atHarmel Realty, a family-owned
residential real estate company,and in the context of R, she
and Harry have been members herefor 18 years.
Their two children, Bradley andLauren, have grown up here in
the midst of our community.
(01:10):
Risa was our Parents Associationpresident in Rod Shalom School
and a trustee on the board ofRode Shlom School, and she's now
on the board of Impact 100, NewYork City.
And so much of her time whenshe's not working and devoted to
a thousand of the people aroundher that rely on her.
She is a person who'svolunteering her time to try to
(01:30):
lift up the people around her,especially here in New York City
.
Risa is also a recent adult batmitzvah in the Adolphe Nemezov
class of 2023.
And so, in so many ways, hasbeen a present, ever devoted
member of this community, butalso really modeling what it is
to be the builder of connectionat a time especially.
(01:52):
I think.
More than ever So, as always, Iwant to begin with a prompt:
Tell us about your search forbelonging.
we're wanting to feel thosethreads.
Risa, a joy to have you with ustoday.
Risa Schessel (02:06):
Thank you, ben.
I am honored to sit with youtoday and have this conversation
and you and I have chatted somany times over the years and
you know so much about me.
But I was part of the advisorygroup helping you think about
the podcast and so I completelyget the importance of belonging
(02:26):
and the concept of belonging.
But it wasn't until you askedme to sit and talk with you
today that I had like a lot ofahas and a lot of those ahas
came back to you, ironically ornot ironically.
A lot of that I think I'verealized and you and I've talked
some about this.
My Jewish journey and my senseof belonging in the first time
(02:47):
in my life I ever belongedreally was when my kids started
school here.
What I don't know that yourealized at the time were you
were the first rabbi I ever knew.
I grew up with very little senseof being Jewish and my Jewish
identity though I knew I was.
You know.
You know this but I had a veryunstable childhood, you know,
moved, you know, eight differenttimes, eight different schools,
(03:16):
and the only real sense of myconnection to knowing I was
Jewish growing up was mygrandparents.
They were pillars in the Jewishcommunity in Miami.
My grandmother was, you know,honored by the City of Hope and
a big donor, and my grandfatheractually owned one of the first
health spas in the country, butthen it was more like a resort
and so all the Jewish peoplefrom the Northeast would come
down for Passover every year andhe led this Passover service,
(03:36):
the only holiday I reallycelebrated growing up.
But the family all had to siton a stage and I was painfully
shy growing up.
So it wasn't this experiencewhere I really came to
understand my identity orunderstand celebrating the
holidays, but I still gotexposed to it from my
relationship and connection withthem.
(03:57):
But I moved so many times.
I didn't go to Hebrew school,it was my turn.
Every one of my family had abat mitzvah, but I was so shy I
had to move schools again and Isaid to my parents please don't
make me Unbeknownst to me theywere about to get divorced.
So they were like, okay, fine,so it really wasn't a big part
of my life, except for a fewtimes a year doing more Jewish
(04:19):
things Went to school in Texas,university of Texas, and I
joined a Christian sorority andI started going to Bible studies
and church with my friends andyou know, looking back years
later I realized it was part ofmy search for belonging.
You know, I really like it feltlike a fish out of water a lot
of my life and a lot ofinsecurities and shyness.
(04:40):
And eventually my mom sent arabbi to meet with me when she
learned about it and I startedto realize that this really
wasn't me.
But it wasn't until I moved toNew York and living in New York
and being around a Jewishcommunity and even then starting
to be invited to friends' homesfor a Shabbat dinner or to
(05:02):
celebrate a Jewish holiday wasreally the beginning of my not
feeling like as much of anoutsider, feeling connected to
something, even though I didn'tunderstand it that well.
Then I married Harry, myhusband.
We were late bloomers.
We got married a little bitlater.
We had our kids pretty quicklyand he grew up Orthodox and it
(05:24):
was just.
You know, there was nodiscussion.
But our kids were going to goto a Jewish day school.
We looked at a lot of them.
We visited Rodeph Sholom and itwas, for our mixed backgrounds,
the right place.
That the synagogue was like achurch to him at first, so now
it's beloved.
You know he used to leaveservices and go to an Orthodox
service.
After Now he is as much a partof this community as I am.
(05:44):
But that was really thebeginning for me of like feeling
really close and watching mykids with this unbelievable
Jewish education andunderstanding.
And you know, I'll never forgetthe day my daughter was little
and she saw Rabbi Loeffer whenshe was here in the street and
she was I don't know three orfour and she was like Mommy,
mommy, my rabbi, and my heartjust felt ugh.
(06:06):
And I then got quickly involvedwith the Parents Association
and started meeting with you andworking on opportunities to.
You know, it was Mitzvah Day,was the first thing you know,
bring the school and thesynagogue closer together, and
it was really the beginning ofmy starting to understand why my
Jewish identity was important,my starting to feel like I
(06:29):
belonged in a community for thefirst time, my starting to be
able to create this childhood Ididn't have, and you know I can
go on and on, but it was reallythe beginning of what was a big,
pivotal change in my life and,you know, really just this
feeling of belonging andconnecting that just continued
(06:50):
to grow.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (06:52):
I love the illustration you know to think
about your grandparents andthink about, maybe, the journey
that they would have imagined orarchitected for you and
ultimately, the perhaps somewhatcircuitous route that brought
you back to the place ofstarting to claim Jewishness for
your own and shaping a Jewishfamily.
And you know there's so muchparent anxiety, especially as
(07:14):
our kids grow up, of how Jewishwill they be and when they go
off to college are they going togo to.
You know the Hillel, and Ithink your journey is actually a
really important one for us tosurface that sometimes we have
to walk out into the wilderness,sometimes we have to be in the
Christian sorority to start toallow some of those questions to
stir and imagine.
Wait, maybe there's somethingabout me that feels like it's in
(07:37):
contrast to this world.
Maybe there's somethingactually within me that's
whispering and I'm wondering.
As you and Harry are raisingBradley and Lauren, they're
thriving in Rotterdam School,you find your place in the
Parents Association.
At what point did you start torealize the Jewishness wasn't
just about what Harry wanted andwhat you thought was good for
(07:58):
the kids, but ultimatelysomething that was for you?
Risa Schessel (08:02):
I having my kids, you know, starting in the
nursery school was really thebeginning of my education in a
lot of ways, and it was a verygradual education, like they
were learning about the holidaysand I was learning about the
holidays and going through themany bits for process.
You know, a year ago a lot moreof it connected and a lot of it
was like, you know, I got toreflect on Mona and me in my,
(08:25):
you know, in the service, andI've brought that into my life
in a deeper way, like I'vealways been.
You know, gratitude, et cetera,and I don't say it every
morning but it's something thatnever would have thought I'd be
doing, but now I would say, likeat least every once a week or
so, before I get out of bed, Ithink about that prayer and I
(08:46):
think, as we, because of thechildhood I didn't have and what
I wanted, in a way, thisconnection enabled me to start
to create traditions in our home.
You know, every year to thisdate, you know, we host every
Jewish holiday and and didn'thave a lot of family.
So over time that becamefriends and now it is a lot of
(09:07):
friends, but we had everybodyover for Shabbat and so we
started creating thesetraditions that through time
started sinking in more for methe meaning of them and the
pride in my kids and the values.
You know I would say the four ofus each have a different
relationship with it.
But as my son is now at college, you know, he kind of went like
(09:30):
a little bit.
He went to high school and gota little away, like you know,
like oh, why don't we have to goto services on a holiday or
something?
And then he's now got arelationship with the rabbi
where he goes to school and Igot a picture one day I couldn't
believe this of him reppingTevilla at Shabbat on a Friday
night with his fraternity.
And it's not that he's suddenlybecome, you know, going to
(09:51):
services all the time, but herealizes and it makes me so
happy, you know that that is hiscommunity.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (09:59):
I notice in myself sometimes slipping into
more of the American frames ofreligion, which often are more
about, I would say, belief andidentity than necessarily
practice.
And it's interesting in Judaismbecause religion is obviously
only one of the facets ofJewishness, you know culture,
(10:20):
language, art, I mean so manyother facets to it, and it's
sometimes the behaviors thatbecome most interesting.
You know is you know, obviously, for you, the practice of
gratitude holds a level ofwisdom and understanding that
many, you know, go their wholelives reaching to really
understand.
What does it mean to really,truly, profoundly be grateful?
(10:41):
What does it mean to begrateful with the moda'ani?
Moda'ani, you know, to wake upevery morning and be grateful
that we've been given back oursoul, we've been given another
day.
If you're willing, I would loveto have you take us back 11
years and, you know, talk aboutsome of the ruptures in life and
what you went through and whatemerged on the other side 11
(11:03):
years ago I had a subarachnoidhemorrhage, I had a brain bleed
and it's a miracle that I'malive today.
Risa Schessel (11:13):
A whole series of things that occurred that tied
back to people in this communityactually, who are the reason
I'm alive and I got to thehospital when I did and didn't
really know until I got out ofthe hospital.
You know it was a year and ahalf of healing.
I had no idea that.
I almost died more than onceand you know, as I've spoken
(11:36):
about this, but you know,probably the worst thing that
ever definitely the worst thingthat ever happened to me in my
life in a lot of ways was one ofthe best things that ever
happened because I learned somuch through the experience of
healing.
I learned about community in away I never really could have
fully grasped and I learnedabout how important it is to let
(11:58):
people give.
Because I was a giver I wasalways, you know, because I was
a pleaser growing up.
You know I just I wanted to bethe perfect kid and maybe I'd
get more love and attention.
So my whole being was aboutmaking other people happy and
not knowing how to accept peopletaking care of me and the
synagogue and the schoolcommunity really literally
(12:18):
carried my family through thistime and in the process of
healing, because the brain healsvery slowly and I'm so blessed
that not only you know did Iheal, but that the aneurysm was
in a place where there reallywasn't, you know, long-term
damage.
You know I learned I had toslow down.
You know there's a lot ofthings I didn't remember as my
(12:39):
brain was healing.
I have this beautiful memory ofyou and I People would come and
take me for a walk as I wasgetting my energy and slowly
moving, and I remember sharingsome things with you when we
went for a walk one day, justabout how incredible it was to
live in the moment in a way Inever had, because I was a doing
, going and being and I neverreally knew how to live my life
(13:01):
completely in the moment, neverreally knew how to live my life,
completely in the moment andfor most everyone.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (13:06):
Obviously, there's something in our life,
you know, that takes whateverarchitecture we've been able to
give to our journey, there'ssomething, invariably, that
shatters those structures, thatveers us off the path, and for
some of us, we spend a greatdeal of our time in rage, in
disappointment, in the would've,the should'ves, the could'ves,
(13:33):
and I can look back over myshoulder, but nothing good is
going to ultimately come fromthat.
In many ways, I have to look atwhere am I right now and what
are the opportunities in frontof me, and I think that for many
of us, myself included, I oftenstruggle to get to that place.
I often struggle to not imaginewhat could have been or might
have been if something awfulhadn't happened.
For all of us who are listeningand all of us who go through
(13:54):
pain, heartbreak, trauma.
How did you find a way tosimply say all I can do right
now is figure out this next stepfrom this place?
Risa Schessel (14:05):
I think because of so much I went through in my
life I mean I was older when Ihad kids, so you know, I didn't
know if I'd ever be able to havekids I mean there were just
blessings abound in my life, youknow, I don't know if, maybe
because I didn't have so muchgrowing up and I don't mean
financially or whatever but Ididn't have a sense of myself,
belonging anywhere andconfidence or any of those
(14:29):
things that you know, gratitude,I think, was just sort of built
in for me in whatever way, andI was blessed with this
unbelievable community that justhugged me, and my family too.
So it was just what would bethe point of putting energy into
anything else.
And don't get me wrong, it'snot like I don't have my things
(14:51):
that bother me and regrets andthis, and that it's not like I
live this life of gratitude allthe time.
But I don't know.
Just the realization that wehave a choice Every day we have
a choice.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (15:04):
It's such an interesting layer of wisdom,
especially, I think, at a timewhere I think for most of us and
I include myself in this we getto a place where we start to
realize that the very injusticeswe've experienced, the very
pain that we have endured intime, actually can become the
very sources of strength, cangive us the grit, the resilience
(15:27):
.
But also the perspective and Ithink that's what I've always
loved, Risa is that you wentthrough something that forced
you into the reality ofvulnerability and fragility that
we all truly exist in.
None of us know what's going tobefall us this day, and to let
others know they're not alone inwhatever is going through them.
So the number of people that Iknow that have sat with you and
(15:47):
have turned to you for counseland wisdom as a result, I think
in some ways is almost the bestway of how do we pivot, how do
we dance in a world that issometimes very difficult and
painful.
But I know part of this journeyof 11 years is also facing what
you've lost, the parts ofyourself that at times feel
frustrating now, the ways inwhich your image of yourself
(16:11):
doesn't always map into thereality of what you experience,
and I was wondering if you'reopen to it just to tell us also
about that, you know, because itit's also would be.
It wouldn't be doing you honorto simply just say you know, you
, you went through somethingthat you know puts you on the
brink of it all and you know,thank God, your life was saved.
Again and again You've also hadto go through a very difficult
(16:35):
journey of healing, a difficultunderstanding of what does this
chapter of life actually mean,and I'd love to hear some of
that journey, if you're willing.
Risa Schessel (16:44):
You know I feel like, despite menopause and
things that happen with age.
You know I feel like, despitemenopause and things that happen
with age, my ability to retainthings and my memories and my
comprehension sometimes is notwhat it should be and that has
scared me a lot and worried me alot and I've tried to.
In fact, it's resulted in mybecoming a bat mitzvah, because
(17:07):
the thing I decided, afterlearning a lot about brain
health a couple of years ago,was learning things was really
important, and so I decided tolearn Hebrew and when I started
to take Hebrew lessons, I thenjourneyed into becoming an adult
b'nai mitzvah, because that wassort of a next step that you
and Shana encouraged and it wasan incredible journey.
(17:29):
So, again, life has challengesand we go through things, and I
went through something huge.
But we all go through differentthings and I think I get as
much from the people around me.
I'm never shy about sharing.
You know, whatever it is, and I, up until I was probably 30, my
closest friends knew nothingabout me until one day I
realized the more I share andthe more people know who I
(17:53):
really am and my imperfectionsand my challenges and all those
things, the more I can connectwith other people and I mean I
have a lot of friends who I turnto, a lot of friends who give
me advice or me counseling, oryou know, even when I was
younger this you know, like myboth my sister and you know my
two closest friends, who arelike sisters.
I mean there are many times,you know, through the years,
(18:14):
when they've had to stop and sayslow down, Risa, no, no, no, no
, no, no.
You're going down a road, oryou're, you know, have given me
great advice.
So I just I feel it's, it's aprivilege to be able to share.
I guess I think the more we putout into the world, the more we
get back.
You know, and you know maybethere's a selfishness in that,
(18:34):
but that's okay.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (18:37):
I'm okay with that.
So I think about for myself asa parent.
You know I've got a risingjunior in high school and a
rising sixth grader and you knowI think it's for me been an
ongoing blessing that I've alsohad my experience as a parent,
growing up a little bit withyour wisdom and care and you
know, your advice over the years.
(18:58):
I mean really, Risa.
I mean I think back over somany conversations of you
pouring forward some of your ownlearnings, the things you feel
like you've done perfectly orwell as a parent and the things
that you're like well, maybe Icould have done differently and
the way in which you saw a youngrabbi trying to find his way
and trying to find his place andthe generosity of your heart
(19:21):
and your spirit has always beenone where I have felt you always
leading with a sense that we'reall kind of bumping and, you
know, bumbling along on thisjourney of life and at least
what we can do is we can do ittogether.
You know there's the biblicalstory of Joseph who, through his
own inability to see theeffects he has on his brothers
(19:45):
in the world around him, he'sthrown into this pit and he goes
through this long journey ofadversity, ultimately, though,
rising up to be, you know, theviceroy in Egypt, and there's a
rabbinic imagination that heends up later in life going back
to the pit and he offers ablessing and he blesses the pit,
and I think about that for amoment.
(20:07):
You know, is how do we get to aplace where we are willing to do
the work whether it's intherapy or with good friends
that we choose to go back andsee that sometimes our journey
requires the pit?
How do we come to even bless thepit requires the pit?
(20:27):
How do we come to even blessthe pit, not to put the pink bow
or the red bow on it, but toacknowledge that it is a part of
our journey, whether we like itor not, and then can we
ultimately get to the place thatJoseph says in his life, that,
ultimately, this was whatallowed me to get to this place
in this moment, and the blessingthat I'm able to bring into the
world and I feel like that'show you go through life these
(20:48):
days, Risa is, rather than spendso much energy trying to shake
your fist to the things thathave befallen you in life, to
simply say well, here I am, thisis what I have.
What can I offer?
So I'm curious with that livedwisdom.
How do you try to plant that asa seed of wisdom for Bradley,
(21:09):
for Lauren, for Harry, for me,for so many others?
How?
do you take that of what existsnow inside of you and bring it
out into the world so thatperhaps others can glean from it
.
Risa Schessel (21:21):
Again, I agree first of all with what you said,
you know, in that, you know,I'm thinking, as you're talking
about, like therapy, which I've,you know, I think is, you know
it's a privilege and it's anextravagance in a sense and
everybody should have it.
And when I went into therapyand started looking at childhood
, et cetera, you know, sometimesyou have to take a lot of steps
(21:41):
deeper into depression and justget to a worse place to get to
a better place.
And you know, in a small way,when I'm feeling sad or feeling
depressed, it often gets me togo volunteer, you know, in a
soup kitchen or doing somethinglike that, because I mean it's
(22:02):
selfish.
You know it's just like I needto stop and like hello.
And you know, appreciate, it'sjust like I need to stop and
like hello and appreciate.
You know, because in New Yorkand in life in general, kids
have these crazy schedules andthey're over programmed.
And you know my, my son, bradley, was, you know hockey was a
huge part of his life and youknow it was.
(22:23):
It was for the good or bad andI struggled with it became a big
part of our life and I was, youknow, not happy that our family
didn't have more time tovolunteer together and do things
together, and we did to theextent that there was time and
you know, between my daughter'sactivities and this and that.
But I think I finally realizedthe best thing I can do is role
(22:45):
model for my kids.
And you know, if my kids weresitting here now, who are 17 and
you know was 20, and you askthem you know what's something
your mom has said so many timesover the year they like roll
their eyes and they would say toyou, in a world where you can
be anything, be kind.
You know, that was like thismantra I always tried to instill
(23:06):
in them and the importance ofempathy and the importance of
giving back.
And when they were younger, Ikind of like made them get
involved in things.
But as they've gotten older, Ithink, because of what they've
seen around them and,fortunately, I think, their
appreciation of what they dohave you know they're so far
(23:27):
from perfect, because none of usare I see them in little ways
and in big ways getting back andI do credit raising them in
this community.
I do credit what they got outof being at a Jewish day school.
I do credit them what theylearned going through the B'nai
Mitzvah process.
I mean, I think a lot of that.
You know it takes a village.
You know it takes a village.
You know it absolutely takes avillage.
(23:47):
And then your kids go out andyou just pray.
You've given them the rightfoundation and you know, as we
all know, they reach an agewhere they have no interest in
your advice or what you have tosay.
So you just have to step backand you know when they let you
try and give them some guidance.
But I think it just took me along time to realize like the
best thing I can do is live mylife.
(24:10):
I think it's just, you know,the best thing I realized we can
do.
You know as imperfect as we areand all the parenting mistakes
I've made.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (24:25):
And, you know, just dwelling and looking
back on it it's, you know,doesn't help.
I can't think of a moreimportant thing to celebrate in
so many ways.
You know, I think you know, oneof the lessons from our, you
know, from our sacred scriptureand from liturgy, is this idea
of you know, limnot, yameno,teach us to treasure each day,
which obviously falls into therealm of cliche for many of us.
(24:46):
We hear that all over the place.
You know gratitude journals.
We should all have gratitudepractices, mindfulness practices
, but few of us actually engagein it.
And it's interesting.
How do we look at this momentand realize that we could
respond to a universe that issometimes hard, a life that is
sometimes a disappointment, andwe can wallow in it.
(25:07):
Or we can look and see thatthere are embedded in every
moment, even the moments ofshadow and darkness, there are
sparks of light, and the onlyway we can claim them is by
saying that waking up this daywas a gift.
It doesn't mean it's not also acurse, but can we claim the
gift, part of it?
Can we choose to be learning?
Can we choose to be giving?
Can we choose to be, if we'regoing to be something?
(25:28):
Can we choose to be kind.
So I just want to offergratitude, Risa, because I think
for all of us that look at thejourney of our life and can name
absolutely the beautiful peaksbut also be able to see those
difficult valleys that we havewalked through, it's in the
wisdom of how to connect thosetwo things together and see that
(25:49):
one can only rise intoprominence in contrast to the
other that we come to reallylive in that wisdom.
You know that you modeled forus as you were teaching us modeh
ani, and I think exactly whatyou said to me when we took that
walk many years ago around thereservoir.
You know that it's intreasuring each day that we're
(26:11):
given, that in some ways we getthe greatest clarity of what is
our place and our purpose.
So thank you for yourfriendship, your wisdom and
being a teacher and modeling somuch for so many.
What a gift to be inconversation with you, Risa.
Thank you.
Risa Schessel (26:24):
Thank you, ben.
The honor was mine to have thisdialogue with you, so thank you
.
Thank you, ben, the honor wasmine to have this dialogue with
you.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (26:30):
So thank you.
Thank you for joining us andlistening to this story of
belonging.
Stay connected with us onFacebook and Instagram.
You can find me on Twitter at@benhspratt.
For more information about CRS,visit us online at rodephsholom
.
org.
The human story is the search for
belonging, from childhood toadulthood, in joy and in
struggle, we all sit inquestions of how to make sense
of it all.
What is our place?
Why are we here?
What is our story of searching?
Join us in conversation withcommunity members each sharing
some of their own story.
(00:26):
I am Ben Spratt and this isBelonging, so I have the true
honor and pleasure to be sittingwith fellow CRS member and dear
friend, Risa Shessel.
So many things to say about Sofor 18 years, Risa was actually
in brand management, runninglicensing divisions at Time Inc.
and Hearst Magazine.
Risa, but a few words.
Risa Shessel so many things tosay about Risa, but a few words.
(00:49):
She is now the executive atHarmel Realty, a family-owned
residential real estate company,and in the context of R, she
and Harry have been members herefor 18 years.
Their two children, Bradley andLauren, have grown up here in
the midst of our community.
(01:10):
Risa was our Parents Associationpresident in Rod Shalom School
and a trustee on the board ofRode Shlom School, and she's now
on the board of Impact 100, NewYork City.
And so much of her time whenshe's not working and devoted to
a thousand of the people aroundher that rely on her.
She is a person who'svolunteering her time to try to
(01:30):
lift up the people around her,especially here in New York City
.
Risa is also a recent adult batmitzvah in the Adolphe Nemezov
class of 2023.
And so, in so many ways, hasbeen a present, ever devoted
member of this community, butalso really modeling what it is
to be the builder of connectionat a time especially.
(01:52):
I think.
More than ever So, as always, Iwant to begin with a prompt:
Tell us about your search forbelonging.
we're wanting to feel thosethreads.
Risa, a joy to have you with ustoday.
Risa Schessel (02:06):
Thank you, ben.
I am honored to sit with youtoday and have this conversation
and you and I have chatted somany times over the years and
you know so much about me.
But I was part of the advisorygroup helping you think about
the podcast and so I completelyget the importance of belonging
(02:26):
and the concept of belonging.
But it wasn't until you askedme to sit and talk with you
today that I had like a lot ofahas and a lot of those ahas
came back to you, ironically ornot ironically.
A lot of that I think I'verealized and you and I've talked
some about this.
My Jewish journey and my senseof belonging in the first time
(02:47):
in my life I ever belongedreally was when my kids started
school here.
What I don't know that yourealized at the time were you
were the first rabbi I ever knew.
I grew up with very little senseof being Jewish and my Jewish
identity though I knew I was.
You know.
You know this but I had a veryunstable childhood, you know,
moved, you know, eight differenttimes, eight different schools,
(03:16):
and the only real sense of myconnection to knowing I was
Jewish growing up was mygrandparents.
They were pillars in the Jewishcommunity in Miami.
My grandmother was, you know,honored by the City of Hope and
a big donor, and my grandfatheractually owned one of the first
health spas in the country, butthen it was more like a resort
and so all the Jewish peoplefrom the Northeast would come
down for Passover every year andhe led this Passover service,
(03:36):
the only holiday I reallycelebrated growing up.
But the family all had to siton a stage and I was painfully
shy growing up.
So it wasn't this experiencewhere I really came to
understand my identity orunderstand celebrating the
holidays, but I still gotexposed to it from my
relationship and connection withthem.
(03:57):
But I moved so many times.
I didn't go to Hebrew school,it was my turn.
Every one of my family had abat mitzvah, but I was so shy I
had to move schools again and Isaid to my parents please don't
make me Unbeknownst to me theywere about to get divorced.
So they were like, okay, fine,so it really wasn't a big part
of my life, except for a fewtimes a year doing more Jewish
(04:19):
things Went to school in Texas,university of Texas, and I
joined a Christian sorority andI started going to Bible studies
and church with my friends andyou know, looking back years
later I realized it was part ofmy search for belonging.
You know, I really like it feltlike a fish out of water a lot
of my life and a lot ofinsecurities and shyness.
(04:40):
And eventually my mom sent arabbi to meet with me when she
learned about it and I startedto realize that this really
wasn't me.
But it wasn't until I moved toNew York and living in New York
and being around a Jewishcommunity and even then starting
to be invited to friends' homesfor a Shabbat dinner or to
(05:02):
celebrate a Jewish holiday wasreally the beginning of my not
feeling like as much of anoutsider, feeling connected to
something, even though I didn'tunderstand it that well.
Then I married Harry, myhusband.
We were late bloomers.
We got married a little bitlater.
We had our kids pretty quicklyand he grew up Orthodox and it
(05:24):
was just.
You know, there was nodiscussion.
But our kids were going to goto a Jewish day school.
We looked at a lot of them.
We visited Rodeph Sholom and itwas, for our mixed backgrounds,
the right place.
That the synagogue was like achurch to him at first, so now
it's beloved.
You know he used to leaveservices and go to an Orthodox
service.
After Now he is as much a partof this community as I am.
(05:44):
But that was really thebeginning for me of like feeling
really close and watching mykids with this unbelievable
Jewish education andunderstanding.
And you know, I'll never forgetthe day my daughter was little
and she saw Rabbi Loeffer whenshe was here in the street and
she was I don't know three orfour and she was like Mommy,
mommy, my rabbi, and my heartjust felt ugh.
(06:06):
And I then got quickly involvedwith the Parents Association
and started meeting with you andworking on opportunities to.
You know, it was Mitzvah Day,was the first thing you know,
bring the school and thesynagogue closer together, and
it was really the beginning ofmy starting to understand why my
Jewish identity was important,my starting to feel like I
(06:29):
belonged in a community for thefirst time, my starting to be
able to create this childhood Ididn't have, and you know I can
go on and on, but it was reallythe beginning of what was a big,
pivotal change in my life and,you know, really just this
feeling of belonging andconnecting that just continued
(06:50):
to grow.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (06:52):
I love the illustration you know to think
about your grandparents andthink about, maybe, the journey
that they would have imagined orarchitected for you and
ultimately, the perhaps somewhatcircuitous route that brought
you back to the place ofstarting to claim Jewishness for
your own and shaping a Jewishfamily.
And you know there's so muchparent anxiety, especially as
(07:14):
our kids grow up, of how Jewishwill they be and when they go
off to college are they going togo to.
You know the Hillel, and Ithink your journey is actually a
really important one for us tosurface that sometimes we have
to walk out into the wilderness,sometimes we have to be in the
Christian sorority to start toallow some of those questions to
stir and imagine.
Wait, maybe there's somethingabout me that feels like it's in
(07:37):
contrast to this world.
Maybe there's somethingactually within me that's
whispering and I'm wondering.
As you and Harry are raisingBradley and Lauren, they're
thriving in Rotterdam School,you find your place in the
Parents Association.
At what point did you start torealize the Jewishness wasn't
just about what Harry wanted andwhat you thought was good for
(07:58):
the kids, but ultimatelysomething that was for you?
Risa Schessel (08:02):
I having my kids, you know, starting in the
nursery school was really thebeginning of my education in a
lot of ways, and it was a verygradual education, like they
were learning about the holidaysand I was learning about the
holidays and going through themany bits for process.
You know, a year ago a lot moreof it connected and a lot of it
was like, you know, I got toreflect on Mona and me in my,
(08:25):
you know, in the service, andI've brought that into my life
in a deeper way, like I'vealways been.
You know, gratitude, et cetera,and I don't say it every
morning but it's something thatnever would have thought I'd be
doing, but now I would say, likeat least every once a week or
so, before I get out of bed, Ithink about that prayer and I
(08:46):
think, as we, because of thechildhood I didn't have and what
I wanted, in a way, thisconnection enabled me to start
to create traditions in our home.
You know, every year to thisdate, you know, we host every
Jewish holiday and and didn'thave a lot of family.
So over time that becamefriends and now it is a lot of
(09:07):
friends, but we had everybodyover for Shabbat and so we
started creating thesetraditions that through time
started sinking in more for methe meaning of them and the
pride in my kids and the values.
You know I would say the four ofus each have a different
relationship with it.
But as my son is now at college, you know, he kind of went like
(09:30):
a little bit.
He went to high school and gota little away, like you know,
like oh, why don't we have to goto services on a holiday or
something?
And then he's now got arelationship with the rabbi
where he goes to school and Igot a picture one day I couldn't
believe this of him reppingTevilla at Shabbat on a Friday
night with his fraternity.
And it's not that he's suddenlybecome, you know, going to
(09:51):
services all the time, but herealizes and it makes me so
happy, you know that that is hiscommunity.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (09:59):
I notice in myself sometimes slipping into
more of the American frames ofreligion, which often are more
about, I would say, belief andidentity than necessarily
practice.
And it's interesting in Judaismbecause religion is obviously
only one of the facets ofJewishness, you know culture,
(10:20):
language, art, I mean so manyother facets to it, and it's
sometimes the behaviors thatbecome most interesting.
You know is you know, obviously, for you, the practice of
gratitude holds a level ofwisdom and understanding that
many, you know, go their wholelives reaching to really
understand.
What does it mean to really,truly, profoundly be grateful?
(10:41):
What does it mean to begrateful with the moda'ani?
Moda'ani, you know, to wake upevery morning and be grateful
that we've been given back oursoul, we've been given another
day.
If you're willing, I would loveto have you take us back 11
years and, you know, talk aboutsome of the ruptures in life and
what you went through and whatemerged on the other side 11
(11:03):
years ago I had a subarachnoidhemorrhage, I had a brain bleed
and it's a miracle that I'malive today.
Risa Schessel (11:13):
A whole series of things that occurred that tied
back to people in this communityactually, who are the reason
I'm alive and I got to thehospital when I did and didn't
really know until I got out ofthe hospital.
You know it was a year and ahalf of healing.
I had no idea that.
I almost died more than onceand you know, as I've spoken
(11:36):
about this, but you know,probably the worst thing that
ever definitely the worst thingthat ever happened to me in my
life in a lot of ways was one ofthe best things that ever
happened because I learned somuch through the experience of
healing.
I learned about community in away I never really could have
fully grasped and I learnedabout how important it is to let
(11:58):
people give.
Because I was a giver I wasalways, you know, because I was
a pleaser growing up.
You know I just I wanted to bethe perfect kid and maybe I'd
get more love and attention.
So my whole being was aboutmaking other people happy and
not knowing how to accept peopletaking care of me and the
synagogue and the schoolcommunity really literally
(12:18):
carried my family through thistime and in the process of
healing, because the brain healsvery slowly and I'm so blessed
that not only you know did Iheal, but that the aneurysm was
in a place where there reallywasn't, you know, long-term
damage.
You know I learned I had toslow down.
You know there's a lot ofthings I didn't remember as my
(12:39):
brain was healing.
I have this beautiful memory ofyou and I People would come and
take me for a walk as I wasgetting my energy and slowly
moving, and I remember sharingsome things with you when we
went for a walk one day, justabout how incredible it was to
live in the moment in a way Inever had, because I was a doing
, going and being and I neverreally knew how to live my life
(13:01):
completely in the moment, neverreally knew how to live my life,
completely in the moment andfor most everyone.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (13:06):
Obviously, there's something in our life,
you know, that takes whateverarchitecture we've been able to
give to our journey, there'ssomething, invariably, that
shatters those structures, thatveers us off the path, and for
some of us, we spend a greatdeal of our time in rage, in
disappointment, in the would've,the should'ves, the could'ves,
(13:33):
and I can look back over myshoulder, but nothing good is
going to ultimately come fromthat.
In many ways, I have to look atwhere am I right now and what
are the opportunities in frontof me, and I think that for many
of us, myself included, I oftenstruggle to get to that place.
I often struggle to not imaginewhat could have been or might
have been if something awfulhadn't happened.
For all of us who are listeningand all of us who go through
(13:54):
pain, heartbreak, trauma.
How did you find a way tosimply say all I can do right
now is figure out this next stepfrom this place?
Risa Schessel (14:05):
I think because of so much I went through in my
life I mean I was older when Ihad kids, so you know, I didn't
know if I'd ever be able to havekids I mean there were just
blessings abound in my life, youknow, I don't know if, maybe
because I didn't have so muchgrowing up and I don't mean
financially or whatever but Ididn't have a sense of myself,
belonging anywhere andconfidence or any of those
(14:29):
things that you know, gratitude,I think, was just sort of built
in for me in whatever way, andI was blessed with this
unbelievable community that justhugged me, and my family too.
So it was just what would bethe point of putting energy into
anything else.
And don't get me wrong, it'snot like I don't have my things
(14:51):
that bother me and regrets andthis, and that it's not like I
live this life of gratitude allthe time.
But I don't know.
Just the realization that wehave a choice Every day we have
a choice.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (15:04):
It's such an interesting layer of wisdom,
especially, I think, at a timewhere I think for most of us and
I include myself in this we getto a place where we start to
realize that the very injusticeswe've experienced, the very
pain that we have endured intime, actually can become the
very sources of strength, cangive us the grit, the resilience
(15:27):
.
But also the perspective and Ithink that's what I've always
loved, Risa is that you wentthrough something that forced
you into the reality ofvulnerability and fragility that
we all truly exist in.
None of us know what's going tobefall us this day, and to let
others know they're not alone inwhatever is going through them.
So the number of people that Iknow that have sat with you and
(15:47):
have turned to you for counseland wisdom as a result, I think
in some ways is almost the bestway of how do we pivot, how do
we dance in a world that issometimes very difficult and
painful.
But I know part of this journeyof 11 years is also facing what
you've lost, the parts ofyourself that at times feel
frustrating now, the ways inwhich your image of yourself
(16:11):
doesn't always map into thereality of what you experience,
and I was wondering if you'reopen to it just to tell us also
about that, you know, because itit's also would be.
It wouldn't be doing you honorto simply just say you know, you
, you went through somethingthat you know puts you on the
brink of it all and you know,thank God, your life was saved.
Again and again You've also hadto go through a very difficult
(16:35):
journey of healing, a difficultunderstanding of what does this
chapter of life actually mean,and I'd love to hear some of
that journey, if you're willing.
Risa Schessel (16:44):
You know I feel like, despite menopause and
things that happen with age.
You know I feel like, despitemenopause and things that happen
with age, my ability to retainthings and my memories and my
comprehension sometimes is notwhat it should be and that has
scared me a lot and worried me alot and I've tried to.
In fact, it's resulted in mybecoming a bat mitzvah, because
(17:07):
the thing I decided, afterlearning a lot about brain
health a couple of years ago,was learning things was really
important, and so I decided tolearn Hebrew and when I started
to take Hebrew lessons, I thenjourneyed into becoming an adult
b'nai mitzvah, because that wassort of a next step that you
and Shana encouraged and it wasan incredible journey.
(17:29):
So, again, life has challengesand we go through things, and I
went through something huge.
But we all go through differentthings and I think I get as
much from the people around me.
I'm never shy about sharing.
You know, whatever it is, and I, up until I was probably 30, my
closest friends knew nothingabout me until one day I
realized the more I share andthe more people know who I
(17:53):
really am and my imperfectionsand my challenges and all those
things, the more I can connectwith other people and I mean I
have a lot of friends who I turnto, a lot of friends who give
me advice or me counseling, oryou know, even when I was
younger this you know, like myboth my sister and you know my
two closest friends, who arelike sisters.
I mean there are many times,you know, through the years,
(18:14):
when they've had to stop and sayslow down, Risa, no, no, no, no
, no, no.
You're going down a road, oryou're, you know, have given me
great advice.
So I just I feel it's, it's aprivilege to be able to share.
I guess I think the more we putout into the world, the more we
get back.
You know, and you know maybethere's a selfishness in that,
(18:34):
but that's okay.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (18:37):
I'm okay with that.
So I think about for myself asa parent.
You know I've got a risingjunior in high school and a
rising sixth grader and you knowI think it's for me been an
ongoing blessing that I've alsohad my experience as a parent,
growing up a little bit withyour wisdom and care and you
know, your advice over the years.
(18:58):
I mean really, Risa.
I mean I think back over somany conversations of you
pouring forward some of your ownlearnings, the things you feel
like you've done perfectly orwell as a parent and the things
that you're like well, maybe Icould have done differently and
the way in which you saw a youngrabbi trying to find his way
and trying to find his place andthe generosity of your heart
(19:21):
and your spirit has always beenone where I have felt you always
leading with a sense that we'reall kind of bumping and, you
know, bumbling along on thisjourney of life and at least
what we can do is we can do ittogether.
You know there's the biblicalstory of Joseph who, through his
own inability to see theeffects he has on his brothers
(19:45):
in the world around him, he'sthrown into this pit and he goes
through this long journey ofadversity, ultimately, though,
rising up to be, you know, theviceroy in Egypt, and there's a
rabbinic imagination that heends up later in life going back
to the pit and he offers ablessing and he blesses the pit,
and I think about that for amoment.
(20:07):
You know, is how do we get to aplace where we are willing to do
the work whether it's intherapy or with good friends
that we choose to go back andsee that sometimes our journey
requires the pit?
How do we come to even bless thepit requires the pit?
(20:27):
How do we come to even blessthe pit, not to put the pink bow
or the red bow on it, but toacknowledge that it is a part of
our journey, whether we like itor not, and then can we
ultimately get to the place thatJoseph says in his life, that,
ultimately, this was whatallowed me to get to this place
in this moment, and the blessingthat I'm able to bring into the
world and I feel like that'show you go through life these
(20:48):
days, Risa is, rather than spendso much energy trying to shake
your fist to the things thathave befallen you in life, to
simply say well, here I am, thisis what I have.
What can I offer?
So I'm curious with that livedwisdom.
How do you try to plant that asa seed of wisdom for Bradley,
(21:09):
for Lauren, for Harry, for me,for so many others?
How?
do you take that of what existsnow inside of you and bring it
out into the world so thatperhaps others can glean from it
.
Risa Schessel (21:21):
Again, I agree first of all with what you said,
you know, in that, you know,I'm thinking, as you're talking
about, like therapy, which I've,you know, I think is, you know
it's a privilege and it's anextravagance in a sense and
everybody should have it.
And when I went into therapyand started looking at childhood
, et cetera, you know, sometimesyou have to take a lot of steps
(21:41):
deeper into depression and justget to a worse place to get to
a better place.
And you know, in a small way,when I'm feeling sad or feeling
depressed, it often gets me togo volunteer, you know, in a
soup kitchen or doing somethinglike that, because I mean it's
(22:02):
selfish.
You know it's just like I needto stop and like hello.
And you know, appreciate, it'sjust like I need to stop and
like hello and appreciate.
You know, because in New Yorkand in life in general, kids
have these crazy schedules andthey're over programmed.
And you know my, my son, bradley, was, you know hockey was a
huge part of his life and youknow it was.
(22:23):
It was for the good or bad andI struggled with it became a big
part of our life and I was, youknow, not happy that our family
didn't have more time tovolunteer together and do things
together, and we did to theextent that there was time and
you know, between my daughter'sactivities and this and that.
But I think I finally realizedthe best thing I can do is role
(22:45):
model for my kids.
And you know, if my kids weresitting here now, who are 17 and
you know was 20, and you askthem you know what's something
your mom has said so many timesover the year they like roll
their eyes and they would say toyou, in a world where you can
be anything, be kind.
You know, that was like thismantra I always tried to instill
(23:06):
in them and the importance ofempathy and the importance of
giving back.
And when they were younger, Ikind of like made them get
involved in things.
But as they've gotten older, Ithink, because of what they've
seen around them and,fortunately, I think, their
appreciation of what they dohave you know they're so far
(23:27):
from perfect, because none of usare I see them in little ways
and in big ways getting back andI do credit raising them in
this community.
I do credit what they got outof being at a Jewish day school.
I do credit them what theylearned going through the B'nai
Mitzvah process.
I mean, I think a lot of that.
You know it takes a village.
You know it takes a village.
You know it absolutely takes avillage.
(23:47):
And then your kids go out andyou just pray.
You've given them the rightfoundation and you know, as we
all know, they reach an agewhere they have no interest in
your advice or what you have tosay.
So you just have to step backand you know when they let you
try and give them some guidance.
But I think it just took me along time to realize like the
best thing I can do is live mylife.
(24:10):
I think it's just, you know,the best thing I realized we can
do.
You know as imperfect as we areand all the parenting mistakes
I've made.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (24:25):
And, you know, just dwelling and looking
back on it it's, you know,doesn't help.
I can't think of a moreimportant thing to celebrate in
so many ways.
You know, I think you know, oneof the lessons from our, you
know, from our sacred scriptureand from liturgy, is this idea
of you know, limnot, yameno,teach us to treasure each day,
which obviously falls into therealm of cliche for many of us.
(24:46):
We hear that all over the place.
You know gratitude journals.
We should all have gratitudepractices, mindfulness practices
, but few of us actually engagein it.
And it's interesting.
How do we look at this momentand realize that we could
respond to a universe that issometimes hard, a life that is
sometimes a disappointment, andwe can wallow in it.
(25:07):
Or we can look and see thatthere are embedded in every
moment, even the moments ofshadow and darkness, there are
sparks of light, and the onlyway we can claim them is by
saying that waking up this daywas a gift.
It doesn't mean it's not also acurse, but can we claim the
gift, part of it?
Can we choose to be learning?
Can we choose to be giving?
Can we choose to be, if we'regoing to be something?
(25:28):
Can we choose to be kind.
So I just want to offergratitude, Risa, because I think
for all of us that look at thejourney of our life and can name
absolutely the beautiful peaksbut also be able to see those
difficult valleys that we havewalked through, it's in the
wisdom of how to connect thosetwo things together and see that
(25:49):
one can only rise intoprominence in contrast to the
other that we come to reallylive in that wisdom.
You know that you modeled forus as you were teaching us modeh
ani, and I think exactly whatyou said to me when we took that
walk many years ago around thereservoir.
You know that it's intreasuring each day that we're
(26:11):
given, that in some ways we getthe greatest clarity of what is
our place and our purpose.
So thank you for yourfriendship, your wisdom and
being a teacher and modeling somuch for so many.
What a gift to be inconversation with you, Risa.
Thank you.
Risa Schessel (26:24):
Thank you, ben.
The honor was mine to have thisdialogue with you, so thank you
.
Thank you, ben, the honor wasmine to have this dialogue with
you.
Rabbi Ben H. Spratt (26:30):
So thank you.
Thank you for joining us andlistening to this story of
belonging.
Stay connected with us onFacebook and Instagram.
You can find me on Twitter at@benhspratt.
For more information about CRS,visit us online at rodephsholom
.
org.
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