October 5, 2023 • 30 mins
Have you ever found yourself immersed in the endless waves of grief, struggling to find a lifeline? You're not alone. Our guest for this episode, Theo Boyd, a resilient writer, a former teacher, and a survivor of unthinkable loss, is here to share her incredible journey from heartache to healing. Theo takes us through her harrowing experiences, from the sudden death of her mother in a farm accident, the loss of her counselor, to the dissolution of her marriage. Amidst her personal turmoil, discover how Theo channeled her pain into writing, culminating in her cathartic memoir, "My Grief is Not Like Yours".
Theo provides a raw and revealing discussion about Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD), previously known as complicated grief. She emphasizes the importance of seeking professional assistance in such circumstances and shares her personal encounters of frustration when people failed to acknowledge her parents' death. Despite the anguish, Theo found solace in unexpected places, notably the wisdom imparted by her students. She introduces us to a unique therapeutic exercise, "100 Things", which was instrumental in her journey of remembrance and healing.
In the final chapter of our conversation, Theo shares how her memoir became a memorial to her parents, a tangible testament to their lives and her love for them. She recounts engaging experiences from book signings and events, and how these interactions provided further support in her healing journey. But her mission extends beyond her personal journey. Theo is now committed to using her experiences and her writing to help others navigate their own grief. Join us for this heartfelt episode and draw from Theo's experiences, strength, and wisdom, as we explore the resilience of the human spirit in the face of loss.
To connect with Theo: Boyd, visit her website:
https://thinktheo.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Theo Boyd (00:00):
But all of a sudden you are writing a book because
(00:02):
you're writing things that youremember about that person that
you've lost.
Michael Liben (00:13):
What happens when we lose both of our parents in
an unexpected set ofcircumstances, when suffering
from one loss after another, howcan that affect your marriage?
What is complicated grief andhow can a person survive that?
Welcome to "Bereaved But StillMe". Our purpose is to empower
members of our community. I amMichael Liben and the father of
three children - Idan, Sapir,and Liel. Liel, my youngest
(00:34):
daughter, was born with a heartdefect and later she developed
autism and epilepsy. Losing herat 15 is what has brought me
here to be the host of thisprogram. Our guest today is Theo
Boyd. Theo Boyd is a writer, aformer teacher, and was born and
raised on a farm in a small townof Whitney, Texas. Her name is
actually Thelizabeth Boyd, acombination of her grandmothers'
(00:54):
names; Thelma, and Elizabeth.
She became Theo in middle schoolthanks to her friends. Theo grew
up writing poems with herfather, she finished college
later in life and became a highschool English teacher and
creative writing teacher. Shecontributed to several local
newspapers and now she's apublished author with her
memoir, "My Grief is Not LikeYours". Theo suffered a sudden
traumatic loss in 2019, whichset the scene for her debut
(01:17):
memoir. In addition to being anauthor, Theo started a podcast
called Think Theo, and herpodcast discusses complicated
grief, and the many layers ofloss. Today's program is
thinking about complicated griefwith author. podcaster Theo
Boyd. Theo, thank you so muchfor joining us on "Bereaved But
Still Me".
Theo Boyd (01:37):
Thank you so much for having me on.
Michael Liben (01:40):
Let's start by talking about some of the losses
you suffered in your life. Welearned in the opening, that
there was an event in 2019 thatthat catapulted you into the
world of memoir writing. Tell usmore about that.
Theo Boyd (01:50):
Just four years ago, July the 29th 2019, I got a
phone call that there had beenan accident on the family farm
and come to find out my fatherhad accidentally run over my
mother with one of the farmtractors. And it, it completely
(02:10):
turned my life upside down fromthat, you know, you you hear
that all the time, when you get"the call", nobody wants to get
"the call". Well, they didn'treally tell me anything on that
call. I had to get to the farm,you know, before they would tell
me what happened. And the wholedrive to the farm, I thought it
was something with my dad,because his health had actually
been declining. And my mom wasin perfect health, she could
(02:33):
have run a marathon on the daythat she passed. But my parents
were doing what they'd beendoing for 50 years on the farm
with one of the tractors, and itjust slipped out of neutral. And
it was just a freak accident. SoI took family leave from the
high school where I wasteaching, because school was
about to start. This was the endof July, and I knew school is
(02:55):
going to start in a couple ofweeks. So I got family leave and
I stayed with my dad, and had tomake sure that he was okay. Took
him to counseling with me, livedwith him for two months. And in
the meantime, I was journaling.
I was journaling every chancethat I could get. And I hadn't
really been a journaler. Is thata word journaler? No, it is now.
So I haven't really been. Ihadn't been a journaler. But I
(03:20):
was writing like crazy and Idon't really know, now I know
that that was my healing tryingto get out. I couldn't really
grieve or talk about certainthings with my dad, because I
didn't want him to hurt any morethan he already was. And so I
started writing. And as I waswriting, I had a dear friend of
(03:40):
mine that came to check on meand I said, "Well, I've been
writing" and she was reading afew things that I'd written. And
she just looked at me with tearsin her eyes and says, "You need
to write a book". And it dawnedon me the way that I was feeling
which was unheard and lost andalone. There's got to be a
(04:00):
million other people out therefeeling the same way that I'm
feeling. And I was trying to getmy hands on a book that hit me
as hard as I had just been hitand I couldn't find it. And
there are a lot of great griefresources out there, but not as
many for traumatic loss, becauseI would get a book from a friend
and I would open it and I wouldjust frantically flip the pages,
(04:23):
looking for a page that somehowcould even touch the depth of
the pain that I had. And Icouldn't find it. So I said
well, I'm just gonna write it.
Michael Liben (04:35):
Losing a parent can be very, very traumatic,
especially in an accident likethat and totally unexpected and
you didn't see it coming. But itdid get worse for you. Tell us a
little bit how your griefaffected your marriage.
Theo Boyd (04:48):
Yes, you know, I heard this saying the other day,
"Apparently rock bottom has abasement". And it does. I, a few
months after my mom's death, andjust trying to, you know,
navigate this new life andhelping my dad, actually, my
(05:09):
counselor passed away suddenly.
And that was just such a shock.
And another sad thing that I'mgonna have to relay to my dad,
and she was helping us so much.
And he was loving talking on thephone with her and going to see
her. And so there's anotherloss. And I grieved her so much,
because she had not only been acounselor that I'd had through
(05:31):
blended marriage and raising ateenage daughter, she had saved
me from grief by giving my griefa name, which I'll talk about in
a minute. But after that, then Ifound out that my husband's been
having an affair. And so youknow, everything and your spouse
is supposed to be that personthat you can rely on no matter
what; that unconditionalsupport. And I was just dying
(05:53):
from the inside out.
Michael Liben (05:57):
There are times when everything goes wrong all
at the same time. And I don'tknow that can be I think, maybe
very cleansing just to sort ofclear everything. On the other
hand, it's very, very difficultto dig out from that.
Theo Boyd (06:09):
You know, three years, and I lost everything
that I once held dear. And Iremember calling my best
girlfriends that would come hereand stay with me, I call them my
fairy blonde mothers. And that'swhat I refer to them in the book
because they magically appearany time that I needed them. And
I just remember sayingeverything that I had three
(06:33):
years ago is completely gone. Mymom, my counselor, my husband,
and my dad, everything that Ihad in my life that I thought I
would always have that I want tosay I took for granted, but I
don't know that I really did.
And I talked about this in thebook. I remember years ago after
church, my dad was a minister,my mom cooked these fabulous
Sunday lunches. You know, we'rehere in North Central Texas so
(06:55):
we Texans really love our food.
But we were sitting there at thelunch and I remember looking at
my daughter in the highchair,she's now 24. And I remember
looking at my mom and my dad,and I remember with tears in my
eyes, saying, "one day, we'renot going to all be right here".
(07:15):
And I really took hold of thatmoment. And I remember it so
vividly. I remember the smellsof the food. I remember the
sounds of the forks on theplates. I remember my daughter
cooing and making her noises inthe highchair. And it breaks my
heart because my mom looked overat me and she just said, "Well,
(07:35):
that's just life, now eat yourfood". My mother was deaf. And
she was profoundly deaf from theage of 18 months old. So
everything in life to her wasjust another hurdle. Nothing
stopped her. She was aphenomenal human being shortly
after my counselor passed, andthen my husband and we're going
through the divorce. And well Isay shortly, it was just a year
(07:58):
or two. My dad got into a reallygood groove. He was doing really
good. But COVID. COVID camealong and that really affected
my dad because he could nolonger get out and have lunch
with people. He could no longerinteract with anyone. And my, my
dad and I are extremeextroverts, we get our energy
from other people. So it's veryhard to put an extreme extrovert
(08:23):
that has been through traumainto almost a solitary
confinement. And that's whathappened. And from that point
on, even when we all got back towhere we're going out, well, my
dad's health started to failhim. He had white matter
disease, which affects yourmobility. And he started to be
able to barely walk and he endedup just being almost to where
(08:47):
he. without help, he couldn'teven get out of bed. My sister
and I went to see him the daybefore Father's Day, because on
Father's Day, and my sister hadplans with her husband's family
and I had plans at my church. Soit worked out better for
everyone that we go see daddy onJune the 21st of 2022. So this
was just a year ago. So when Ileft that Saturday, I told
(09:11):
daddy, "I'll be back in a coupleof days. And do you want to go
to church with me tomorrow?" Andhe just emphatically said, "No".
And I said, "Okay, well, I'llsee you Monday or Tuesday". So
he did not expect me to be thereon Father's Day. But sure
enough, Sunday morning, Father'sDay, I woke up and I just
thought I'm gonna go surprisedaddy with breakfast. He loved
McDonald's breakfast. So I ranthrough McDonald's, went out
(09:35):
there, I kept looking at mywatch because I knew I had just
enough time to get back home andget dressed to get to church,
but I wanted to just have coffeewith daddy on Father's Day. And
I walk in and I find that my dadhad taken his life that night
before with a gun. And I justknow, and I said this a few
(09:57):
weeks ago on a show I said, "I'mso blessed that I am the one
that first got to be with him.
Because those are those preciousmoments before any medical
personnel came, before anyemergency workers, before the
funeral home came, before any ofmy friends came, I got to be
alone with my dad and I talkabout that very detailed in my
(10:17):
book. And I just know that mydad, he did commit suicide, but
I like to say it as "Sue aside"because my mom's name was Sue.
Disclaimer (10:33):
You're listening to "Bereaved But Still Me". If you
have a question or comment thatyou would like addressed on our
program, please send an email toMichael Liben at
michael@bereavedbutstillme.com.
That'smichael@bereavedbutstillme.com.
This content is not intended tobe a substitute for professional
medical advice, diagnosis, ortreatment. The opinions
(10:57):
expressed in the podcast are notthose of Hearts Unite the Globe,
but of the hosts and guests andare intended to spark discussion
about issues pertaining tocongenital heart disease or
bereavement.
Michael Liben (11:12):
Theo, we learned earlier that you finished
college later in life. But youlook really young. I'm sorry
that our listeners can't seethis, but it's absolutely true.
Theo Boyd (11:20):
Thank you!
Michael Liben (11:20):
You're welcome.
Can you tell us what you meantby that? And what did you study
in college?
Theo Boyd (11:27):
I graduated high school, I started working as a
receptionist, actually for amortgage company and just kind
of worked my way up. And I endedup being a mortgage loan officer
for about 18 years. And and thenthe market crashed. We all
remember that don't we? 2007,2008. And, oh, yes. And I
(11:48):
decided, You know what, I'mgonna go back to school. And I
didn't even have an associate'sdegree. I just had a couple of
classes from our little HillJunior College in Hillsboro,
Texas that's not far outside ofWhitney that I'd done right
after high school here. And Iwent back to school and got my
degree to be a teacher. And likeI told y'all earlier, I taught
kindergarten for one day, Idon't know if I got fired or
(12:10):
promoted. But I ended up gettingto teach my perfect sized shoe
is what I like to call it, itwas 10th grade. And I taught
10th Grade English and creativewriting. And I cannot tell you
how blessed I was. But not onlythe teacher friends that I made,
(12:30):
that were there for me during mytime of grief, and that are
still friends of mine, but thestudents, The students and their
pearls of wisdom at age 16 thatI would hear during all my
trials.
Michael Liben (12:42):
Even though you're not a counselor, you
clearly are using your gifts andtalents as a writer to help
others process your grief. Tellus what you learned about
complicated grief and traumaticloss.
Theo Boyd (12:53):
That's very important. I'm glad that you
brought that up, Michael,because I want everyone to know,
I'm not a counselor, I'm not atherapist. I'm not a
psychologist, I'm not apsychiatrist. I was a high
school teacher. And I have beenbaptized by fire, so to speak on
the subject of grief andcomplicated grief, which now is
known as prolonged griefdisorder or PGD. And I didn't
(13:16):
know I had this, I just thoughtthis is probably what everybody
does when they're grieving. Andnobody told me it's almost like
childbirth. Nobody told you howbad it was gonna be. And then
all of a sudden, you're in itand you're like, "Why didn't
anybody tell me?"
Michael Liben (13:27):
Because if you knew you wouldn't do it.
Theo Boyd (13:29):
Exactly! Exactly. I was almost angry all my
girlfriends that had already hada baby, because they didn't tell
me. So I felt like I wasrepeating that with grief. I was
like, "Well, why didn't anybodytell me it was gonna be like
this, I could have planned Icould have packed a bag", you
know, whatever. And I went to mycounselor, Gail and I talk about
this in the book at length andit was a couple of visits before
(13:49):
I took my dad with me because Ineeded foundation in grief. And
I was sitting there and shesaid, "Well, you are in
complicated grief or complexgrief". And I was like, "What?
It has a name?" And all of asudden, I had a name for what
was wrong with me and I wasn'tlosing my mind. And I was able
to google it, and I was able toread about it later do a podcast
(14:11):
about it and now I've written abook about it. So let me explain
the difference in grief andcomplicated grief. About 80 to
90, I would say, percent of thepopulation is going to grieve,
whether that be a person intheir family, a friend, a pet, a
divorce, a marriage, but onlyabout seven to 9% of that 80% is
(14:36):
going to experience complicatedgrief or prolonged grief
disorder. And what I say in thebook, and this really helps
people understand the difference- regular grief, you take off
work, you go to the funeral, yougo back to work, you may even
stop at a Mexican foodrestaurant and get a margarita.
But the complicated grief personcan barely get through the
(14:59):
funeral. The thought of evengoing to work appalls them. They
don't even remember where theywork, like their life completely
shuts down. They can't get pastthe memory of the one that
they've lost. They get angry atpeople when they do not hear
their loved one being spokenabout, which was me, I was in
that category, I was angry whenpeople would eat because I lost
(15:21):
23 pounds in a month. I wasangry at people that would not
acknowledge her when I wouldtalk with her. But now I
realized they were just afraidto say anything because they
knew how sensitive I was aboutit. But I think the most
important thing that we need todo for those people that are
suffering in complicated griefor PGD, is make sure they are
(15:45):
talking to someone that istrained in that exact type of
grief. That is crucial, it iscritical, and it is life
changing.
Michael Liben (15:56):
Thank you for saying that it is so important.
Because, you know, there's morepeople with complicated grief
than you might realize. Andthere's a tendency to say "get
over it". You know, "Why are youstill there? We have work to
do". People need help, and it'sokay to ask for help. And the
first part is recognizing thatyou need help. And I really
appreciate that you've donethat, that you're talking about
(16:16):
this now. I'm sorry to cut youoff. I just think it's such an
important thing that you'redoing. People really need to
know that it's a real thing, andthat everybody grieves
differently.
Theo Boyd (16:25):
Yes, everybody was well intentioned, wonderful
people genuinely trying to helpme. But when they would use a
comparison, like, "Well, when Ilost my mom, it took me..." you
know, or, "When I lost my dad.."and so with my mom, because that
was four years ago, and that'swhen I really started the book,
(16:47):
the title of this book has neverleft me it has never changed. It
has never been up for debate,the title of this book, they are
the six words that would neverleave my mind. Because if
someone would be talking to me,all that would be ringing in my
ears and in my head was, "mygrief is not like yours, my
grief is not like yours". And Ithought if I'm feeling this way,
(17:10):
unheard, which is the feeling,you're feeling unheard, you're
feeling oppressed. If I'mfeeling this way, there's got to
be a million other people outthere feeling that way. So I've
titled my book that way so thatwhen people get the book,
they're not just reading aboutmy grief, it's not about me,
they are actually going to beable to own that title for
themselves. And with the thinkpoints that we've put at the end
(17:32):
of every chapter, they're littlequestions where you can write
your own answer, like in thechapter, talked about a certain
subject, then at the end of thatchapter, we ask questions back
to the reader, so that they canhave ownership in it, and it
becomes their book, it is theirgrief.
Michael Liben (17:49):
I love that you have those points there that
questions and answers becausesomeone who's reading it, it's
actually having a conversationwith you. And you're someone
who's been there now, not in thesense that when my daddy died,
we did this, that that would bethat, that'd be terrible. But
what you're saying is talk tome, I'm listening to you, here's
my story, I want to hear yours.
And that's such a great way tohave a conversation, and to let
(18:12):
people open up and to discussand explore their own grief.
It's just, it's, I'm surprisedthat you're not a therapist, I
just think it's great thatyou've done that. And I think
it's a wonderful thing and itreally helps people get into it
and understand themselvesbetter. Now, we know that you
wrote your book as a means forhealing for yourself. But, it
also isn't just that; it's ameans of letting other people
(18:35):
participate in your healing Andin, by so doing, open up their
own healing. Tell us a littlebit about how you got into
podcasts. And all of that's kindof related, it's all a big
conversation, I think.
Theo Boyd (18:50):
Yeah. And that's what you do, too, with your podcast,
you you want people to telltheir story. And it is so
important. Because by belongingwe can share, and by sharing we
belong,
Michael Liben (19:01):
Oh! We can steal that. Just take note, we're
stealing that!
Theo Boyd (19:06):
You can, you can use that. "By belonging, we can
share, and by sharing webelong". I'm so thankful now
when I go to a book event, andsomebody comes up to the table
and usually with tears in theireyes. And they're just like,
"Thank you for writing down whatI was feeling so that I could
give this to my family and say,"Here, this is it, this is how I
(19:29):
feel" because they don't havethe ability to write it down or
to speak it. And I feel likeI've been given that gift. And
how terrible would that havebeen? If I would have just shut
that down and said, "No, Ican't, I can't speak about this.
I can't write about this". I seehow many people now are
benefiting from my healing. Iwas healing. I didn't even think
(19:50):
about anybody else. It washealing me to write the book.
And I thought, well, if peoplewant to read it, they can but
honestly I was like, I don'teven care, I'm writing it for
me. And now to know that it'sactually helping other people is
just - it's that "aha" momentthat teachers talk about. The
teachers talk about the "aha"moment when you see in your your
students eyes that they finallygrasp the concept...
Michael Liben (20:12):
Nothing like it.
Theo Boyd (20:13):
Nothing like that in the world, and I miss that. But
you know what, Michael? I'mgetting those aha moments now,
with my book. I may not beteaching high school English
anymore with 150 students, butnow I'm out and I'm talking to
1000s.
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(20:48):
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Michael Liben (21:08):
Theo, so we've been talking about your book and
I think it's a tremendous way ofgetting your thoughts out there
and getting people to, to sharewith you in some manner or
other, their own thoughts intheir own grief. I'd like to say
that one of the mottos of thisprogram is "Grief shared is
(21:30):
grief lightened" and I thinkthat's exactly what's going on
with your book. And I think it'stremendous. So where can we get
your book?
Theo Boyd (21:38):
Well, it's anywhere that books are sold; Amazon,
Simon and Schuster, Barnes andNoble, you should be able to
find it anywhere. You can go tomy website, which is
thinktheo.com, and you canpurchase it on there or you can
be guided where to find it. Andalso I did record it on Audible.
Michael Liben (21:56):
It's Theo's voice on the book. And it's...
Theo Boyd (21:59):
My old Texas twang.
Michael Liben (22:02):
I love it. It's very soothing. What have you got
coming up; special events wherepeople can meet you directly,
Theo Boyd (22:07):
You can keep up with my events by going to
thinktheo.com to look at theevent list.
Michael Liben (22:13):
Besides signing books, obviously, do you take
some time? Do people come to youwith their personal stories? I
imagine it's just not an averagebook signing for some reason.
Theo Boyd (22:21):
You're right. I'm glad you said that. Because it
is very unique. It's like ahybrid book signing, because we
have to do like a little bit ofa model of a counseling session
where we both go over and cryand hug each other. And then I
come back to the table and signbooks. We have met so many
wonderful people. And we've metstories. I've met stories, and
I've met people that are sohappy to have met my mom and
(22:43):
dad. And in the end, that's whatit's all about. I wanted people
to know about theseextraordinary two people that
were my parents - how wonderfulthey were and how much they did
for other people, and how nowbecause of how giving they were,
their lives gone inextraordinary ways. Their
ministry is continuing. And it'sjust so - I've got chills right
(23:06):
now all over because I know thatso many people are going to
benefit from the story of JoeBob and Sue.
Michael Liben (23:12):
I think is wonderful, because when you
write a book, when you tell yourstory, what you're basically
doing, and this is somethingthat we've discussed a lot on
this program is that you'refashioning memories, for people
who didn't know your loved ones,you're putting them out there.
And you're putting them in a waythat people want to meet them
and enjoy meeting them and liketheir story. And as long as
(23:33):
we're thinking about them,they're still alive, or at least
in some sense, they're stillwith us. And we all try to do
that. But I think writing a bookis one of the ways to really
ensure that their stories areout and known. And they're known
and you're heard. And all ofthese things are important. And
not every one of us, myselfincluded, not every one of us
(23:54):
has that gift for writing andtelling stories. You tell
stories beautifully. You justweave words together. And I can
- you talked earlier aboutclinking dishes, I heard that. I
could smell the food that youwere talking about. I mean, it
was just such a lovely way oftelling stories. It's very
enjoyable, I would heartilyrecommend this book to anyone
who hasn't seen it yet. Pleasego and get it.
Theo Boyd (24:13):
And I was gonna say, you know, I realize that
everybody out there can't writea book. You know, not everybody
is a writer, you know, I was acreative writing teacher and
I've been writing all my lifeand learned that from my dad who
was a minister and wrote all hissermons. But what I put in the
book was I did throw in a few ofmy mom's recipes. And I also
threw in, I through in a 100Things exercise for the reader.
(24:35):
And I have gotten such greatfeedback on that from people,
the book signings and the peopleI'm meeting on this journey, and
they're like, "I used 100 Thingsto remember everything about my
daughter who is still alive andI mailed it to her". So these,
this 100 Things exercise, youcan use it for somebody that's
still alive, you can useit...One lady said that she did
(24:57):
it for her all the 100 thingsthat she didn't like about her
ex husband and it really helpedher. So you know, whatever,
whatever you, whatever floatsyour boat, but you can use the
100 Things exercise, and all ofa sudden, guess what you've
written down, and it doesn'thave to be 100, it can be 10.
You can type it in your phone,it doesn't have to be fancy. But
all of a sudden, you are writinga book, because you're writing
(25:19):
things that you remember aboutthat person that you've lost.
Michael Liben (25:23):
Go back a second, be very specific, because you
went right into this. What isthe 100? Things? How does it
work? How can I do it?
Theo Boyd (25:30):
The 100 Things exercise stems from me sitting
at the kitchen table after mymom died and feeling unheard.
And I got out a pad of paper andI just numbered it one to 100.
And I just started writingeverything that I knew and
remembered about my mom. My momwas beautiful, my mom loved my
dad, mama loved cooking, mamaloved baking. And it doesn't
(25:54):
have to be 100 things, it can bejust 10 things. And you don't
have to write it on a piece ofpaper, you can type it in your
computer or on your phone. Andas we've been going out, I've
just been meeting so many peoplethat are doing the 100 things
and they're modifying it to fittheir loss or their life. So the
100 things exercise is justanother part of the book where I
(26:16):
want people to be able toexplore and heal in their own
grief.
Michael Liben (26:22):
Sometimes, you know, it might even make a nice
gift right? Here's 50 things Ilove about you.
Theo Boyd (26:26):
Yes, turn it into Etsy and have somebody make it
all pretty in a frame and youknow, put it, slap a calligraphy
font on it and put it in aframe.
Michael Liben (26:36):
Make it a meme, I hope you didn't take me wrong, I
didn't mean to make light ofthat at all, I think it's such a
wonderful thing.
Theo Boyd (26:42):
No, no! And one thing you're gonna find that you and I
keep touching on, we love ourcomedic side. And there's a lot
of funny things in this book,just at the point that you think
you're gonna cry, you're gonnastart laughing because my dad
was a comedian. He always said,"I could be on stage". And then
he'd pause and say, "There's oneleaving in five minutes".
Michael Liben (27:03):
That's a Texas joke.
Theo Boyd (27:04):
It is! You know, daddy would - he had written
entire comedy skits. And hewrote, he wrote one that I put a
few things of that in the book,and he wrote about the house
that was too small; the housethat was too small, that you
couldn't even eat a footlong hotdog. And the house that was too
small that the mail had to bedelivered vertically, not
horizontally. Yeah, it's just mydad was so genuine and creative.
(27:30):
And I just missed that humorfrom him. But I'm trying to keep
it going.
Michael Liben (27:34):
Lastly, before we come to an end, let's talk about
what you've learned over theyears in living with so much
loss and what advice you havefor others who have complicated
or prolonged grief disorder. Andhumor can certainly be a part of
this answer because I think it'strue.
Theo Boyd (27:46):
Number one is to please, please, I can't stress
this enough, get to someone thatis professionally trained in
grief and complicated grief orPGD, prolonged grief disorder,
counseling, talk to someone, youmay think you're fine, you don't
need to, well, that's fine. Justgo one time. And you will just
(28:07):
be amazed at how life changingit is. And the other thing I'm
going to say is surroundyourself with friends. If, you
know, I'm a I'm a people person,I can you know, make a friend
with a fence post. But mostpeople you know, have a hard
time especially in grief. Itkind of even takes an extrovert
and makes them an introvert. Buttry to surround yourself with
(28:28):
people that care and people thatare gonna be there for you no
matter what. Gail, my counselor,once said, "Grief separates the
adults from the children". Andyou, you will find out who those
true friends are and let themhold you. They're there to hold
you when you don't think you canstay up. And they're there to
hold you when you're falling.
Surround yourself with thefriends in the love and get to
(28:50):
that professional person thatcan help you.
Michael Liben (28:55):
Theo Boyd. The book is, "My Grief is Not Like
Yours" available on Amazon andwherever you can buy a book.
Thank you so much for joiningus. It has been a delight and a
privilege and a pleasure and Ihope you come back soon.
Theo Boyd (29:09):
I hope so I just love y'all so much. Y'all are just a
great a great team and I reallyappreciate you taking the time
with me and with this message inmy book.
Michael Liben (29:19):
Thank you so much. That concludes this
episode of "Bereaved but StillMe". I want to thank Theo Boyd
for sharing her book, herprojects, her experience with
us. Please join us at thebeginning of the month for a
brand new podcast. I'll be withyou soon. But until then please
remember moving forward is notmoving away.
Disclaimer (29:37):
Thank you for joining us. We hope you have
felt supported in your griefjourney. "Bereaved But Still Me"
is a monthly podcast and a newepisode is released on the first
Thursday of each month. You canhear our podcast anywhere you
normally listen to podcasts atany time. Join us again next
month for a brand new episode of"Bereaved But Still Me"
But all of a sudden you are writing a book because
(00:02):
you're writing things that youremember about that person that
you've lost.
Michael Liben (00:13):
What happens when we lose both of our parents in
an unexpected set ofcircumstances, when suffering
from one loss after another, howcan that affect your marriage?
What is complicated grief andhow can a person survive that?
Welcome to "Bereaved But StillMe". Our purpose is to empower
members of our community. I amMichael Liben and the father of
three children - Idan, Sapir,and Liel. Liel, my youngest
(00:34):
daughter, was born with a heartdefect and later she developed
autism and epilepsy. Losing herat 15 is what has brought me
here to be the host of thisprogram. Our guest today is Theo
Boyd. Theo Boyd is a writer, aformer teacher, and was born and
raised on a farm in a small townof Whitney, Texas. Her name is
actually Thelizabeth Boyd, acombination of her grandmothers'
(00:54):
names; Thelma, and Elizabeth.
She became Theo in middle schoolthanks to her friends. Theo grew
up writing poems with herfather, she finished college
later in life and became a highschool English teacher and
creative writing teacher. Shecontributed to several local
newspapers and now she's apublished author with her
memoir, "My Grief is Not LikeYours". Theo suffered a sudden
traumatic loss in 2019, whichset the scene for her debut
(01:17):
memoir. In addition to being anauthor, Theo started a podcast
called Think Theo, and herpodcast discusses complicated
grief, and the many layers ofloss. Today's program is
thinking about complicated griefwith author. podcaster Theo
Boyd. Theo, thank you so muchfor joining us on "Bereaved But
Still Me".
Theo Boyd (01:37):
Thank you so much for having me on.
Michael Liben (01:40):
Let's start by talking about some of the losses
you suffered in your life. Welearned in the opening, that
there was an event in 2019 thatthat catapulted you into the
world of memoir writing. Tell usmore about that.
Theo Boyd (01:50):
Just four years ago, July the 29th 2019, I got a
phone call that there had beenan accident on the family farm
and come to find out my fatherhad accidentally run over my
mother with one of the farmtractors. And it, it completely
(02:10):
turned my life upside down fromthat, you know, you you hear
that all the time, when you get"the call", nobody wants to get
"the call". Well, they didn'treally tell me anything on that
call. I had to get to the farm,you know, before they would tell
me what happened. And the wholedrive to the farm, I thought it
was something with my dad,because his health had actually
been declining. And my mom wasin perfect health, she could
(02:33):
have run a marathon on the daythat she passed. But my parents
were doing what they'd beendoing for 50 years on the farm
with one of the tractors, and itjust slipped out of neutral. And
it was just a freak accident. SoI took family leave from the
high school where I wasteaching, because school was
about to start. This was the endof July, and I knew school is
(02:55):
going to start in a couple ofweeks. So I got family leave and
I stayed with my dad, and had tomake sure that he was okay. Took
him to counseling with me, livedwith him for two months. And in
the meantime, I was journaling.
I was journaling every chancethat I could get. And I hadn't
really been a journaler. Is thata word journaler? No, it is now.
So I haven't really been. Ihadn't been a journaler. But I
(03:20):
was writing like crazy and Idon't really know, now I know
that that was my healing tryingto get out. I couldn't really
grieve or talk about certainthings with my dad, because I
didn't want him to hurt any morethan he already was. And so I
started writing. And as I waswriting, I had a dear friend of
(03:40):
mine that came to check on meand I said, "Well, I've been
writing" and she was reading afew things that I'd written. And
she just looked at me with tearsin her eyes and says, "You need
to write a book". And it dawnedon me the way that I was feeling
which was unheard and lost andalone. There's got to be a
(04:00):
million other people out therefeeling the same way that I'm
feeling. And I was trying to getmy hands on a book that hit me
as hard as I had just been hitand I couldn't find it. And
there are a lot of great griefresources out there, but not as
many for traumatic loss, becauseI would get a book from a friend
and I would open it and I wouldjust frantically flip the pages,
(04:23):
looking for a page that somehowcould even touch the depth of
the pain that I had. And Icouldn't find it. So I said
well, I'm just gonna write it.
Michael Liben (04:35):
Losing a parent can be very, very traumatic,
especially in an accident likethat and totally unexpected and
you didn't see it coming. But itdid get worse for you. Tell us a
little bit how your griefaffected your marriage.
Theo Boyd (04:48):
Yes, you know, I heard this saying the other day,
"Apparently rock bottom has abasement". And it does. I, a few
months after my mom's death, andjust trying to, you know,
navigate this new life andhelping my dad, actually, my
(05:09):
counselor passed away suddenly.
And that was just such a shock.
And another sad thing that I'mgonna have to relay to my dad,
and she was helping us so much.
And he was loving talking on thephone with her and going to see
her. And so there's anotherloss. And I grieved her so much,
because she had not only been acounselor that I'd had through
(05:31):
blended marriage and raising ateenage daughter, she had saved
me from grief by giving my griefa name, which I'll talk about in
a minute. But after that, then Ifound out that my husband's been
having an affair. And so youknow, everything and your spouse
is supposed to be that personthat you can rely on no matter
what; that unconditionalsupport. And I was just dying
(05:53):
from the inside out.
Michael Liben (05:57):
There are times when everything goes wrong all
at the same time. And I don'tknow that can be I think, maybe
very cleansing just to sort ofclear everything. On the other
hand, it's very, very difficultto dig out from that.
Theo Boyd (06:09):
You know, three years, and I lost everything
that I once held dear. And Iremember calling my best
girlfriends that would come hereand stay with me, I call them my
fairy blonde mothers. And that'swhat I refer to them in the book
because they magically appearany time that I needed them. And
I just remember sayingeverything that I had three
(06:33):
years ago is completely gone. Mymom, my counselor, my husband,
and my dad, everything that Ihad in my life that I thought I
would always have that I want tosay I took for granted, but I
don't know that I really did.
And I talked about this in thebook. I remember years ago after
church, my dad was a minister,my mom cooked these fabulous
Sunday lunches. You know, we'rehere in North Central Texas so
(06:55):
we Texans really love our food.
But we were sitting there at thelunch and I remember looking at
my daughter in the highchair,she's now 24. And I remember
looking at my mom and my dad,and I remember with tears in my
eyes, saying, "one day, we'renot going to all be right here".
(07:15):
And I really took hold of thatmoment. And I remember it so
vividly. I remember the smellsof the food. I remember the
sounds of the forks on theplates. I remember my daughter
cooing and making her noises inthe highchair. And it breaks my
heart because my mom looked overat me and she just said, "Well,
(07:35):
that's just life, now eat yourfood". My mother was deaf. And
she was profoundly deaf from theage of 18 months old. So
everything in life to her wasjust another hurdle. Nothing
stopped her. She was aphenomenal human being shortly
after my counselor passed, andthen my husband and we're going
through the divorce. And well Isay shortly, it was just a year
(07:58):
or two. My dad got into a reallygood groove. He was doing really
good. But COVID. COVID camealong and that really affected
my dad because he could nolonger get out and have lunch
with people. He could no longerinteract with anyone. And my, my
dad and I are extremeextroverts, we get our energy
from other people. So it's veryhard to put an extreme extrovert
(08:23):
that has been through traumainto almost a solitary
confinement. And that's whathappened. And from that point
on, even when we all got back towhere we're going out, well, my
dad's health started to failhim. He had white matter
disease, which affects yourmobility. And he started to be
able to barely walk and he endedup just being almost to where
(08:47):
he. without help, he couldn'teven get out of bed. My sister
and I went to see him the daybefore Father's Day, because on
Father's Day, and my sister hadplans with her husband's family
and I had plans at my church. Soit worked out better for
everyone that we go see daddy onJune the 21st of 2022. So this
was just a year ago. So when Ileft that Saturday, I told
(09:11):
daddy, "I'll be back in a coupleof days. And do you want to go
to church with me tomorrow?" Andhe just emphatically said, "No".
And I said, "Okay, well, I'llsee you Monday or Tuesday". So
he did not expect me to be thereon Father's Day. But sure
enough, Sunday morning, Father'sDay, I woke up and I just
thought I'm gonna go surprisedaddy with breakfast. He loved
McDonald's breakfast. So I ranthrough McDonald's, went out
(09:35):
there, I kept looking at mywatch because I knew I had just
enough time to get back home andget dressed to get to church,
but I wanted to just have coffeewith daddy on Father's Day. And
I walk in and I find that my dadhad taken his life that night
before with a gun. And I justknow, and I said this a few
(09:57):
weeks ago on a show I said, "I'mso blessed that I am the one
that first got to be with him.
Because those are those preciousmoments before any medical
personnel came, before anyemergency workers, before the
funeral home came, before any ofmy friends came, I got to be
alone with my dad and I talkabout that very detailed in my
(10:17):
book. And I just know that mydad, he did commit suicide, but
I like to say it as "Sue aside"because my mom's name was Sue.
Disclaimer (10:33):
You're listening to "Bereaved But Still Me". If you
have a question or comment thatyou would like addressed on our
program, please send an email toMichael Liben at
michael@bereavedbutstillme.com.
That'smichael@bereavedbutstillme.com.
This content is not intended tobe a substitute for professional
medical advice, diagnosis, ortreatment. The opinions
(10:57):
expressed in the podcast are notthose of Hearts Unite the Globe,
but of the hosts and guests andare intended to spark discussion
about issues pertaining tocongenital heart disease or
bereavement.
Michael Liben (11:12):
Theo, we learned earlier that you finished
college later in life. But youlook really young. I'm sorry
that our listeners can't seethis, but it's absolutely true.
Theo Boyd (11:20):
Thank you!
Michael Liben (11:20):
You're welcome.
Can you tell us what you meantby that? And what did you study
in college?
Theo Boyd (11:27):
I graduated high school, I started working as a
receptionist, actually for amortgage company and just kind
of worked my way up. And I endedup being a mortgage loan officer
for about 18 years. And and thenthe market crashed. We all
remember that don't we? 2007,2008. And, oh, yes. And I
(11:48):
decided, You know what, I'mgonna go back to school. And I
didn't even have an associate'sdegree. I just had a couple of
classes from our little HillJunior College in Hillsboro,
Texas that's not far outside ofWhitney that I'd done right
after high school here. And Iwent back to school and got my
degree to be a teacher. And likeI told y'all earlier, I taught
kindergarten for one day, Idon't know if I got fired or
(12:10):
promoted. But I ended up gettingto teach my perfect sized shoe
is what I like to call it, itwas 10th grade. And I taught
10th Grade English and creativewriting. And I cannot tell you
how blessed I was. But not onlythe teacher friends that I made,
(12:30):
that were there for me during mytime of grief, and that are
still friends of mine, but thestudents, The students and their
pearls of wisdom at age 16 thatI would hear during all my
trials.
Michael Liben (12:42):
Even though you're not a counselor, you
clearly are using your gifts andtalents as a writer to help
others process your grief. Tellus what you learned about
complicated grief and traumaticloss.
Theo Boyd (12:53):
That's very important. I'm glad that you
brought that up, Michael,because I want everyone to know,
I'm not a counselor, I'm not atherapist. I'm not a
psychologist, I'm not apsychiatrist. I was a high
school teacher. And I have beenbaptized by fire, so to speak on
the subject of grief andcomplicated grief, which now is
known as prolonged griefdisorder or PGD. And I didn't
(13:16):
know I had this, I just thoughtthis is probably what everybody
does when they're grieving. Andnobody told me it's almost like
childbirth. Nobody told you howbad it was gonna be. And then
all of a sudden, you're in itand you're like, "Why didn't
anybody tell me?"
Michael Liben (13:27):
Because if you knew you wouldn't do it.
Theo Boyd (13:29):
Exactly! Exactly. I was almost angry all my
girlfriends that had already hada baby, because they didn't tell
me. So I felt like I wasrepeating that with grief. I was
like, "Well, why didn't anybodytell me it was gonna be like
this, I could have planned Icould have packed a bag", you
know, whatever. And I went to mycounselor, Gail and I talk about
this in the book at length andit was a couple of visits before
(13:49):
I took my dad with me because Ineeded foundation in grief. And
I was sitting there and shesaid, "Well, you are in
complicated grief or complexgrief". And I was like, "What?
It has a name?" And all of asudden, I had a name for what
was wrong with me and I wasn'tlosing my mind. And I was able
to google it, and I was able toread about it later do a podcast
(14:11):
about it and now I've written abook about it. So let me explain
the difference in grief andcomplicated grief. About 80 to
90, I would say, percent of thepopulation is going to grieve,
whether that be a person intheir family, a friend, a pet, a
divorce, a marriage, but onlyabout seven to 9% of that 80% is
(14:36):
going to experience complicatedgrief or prolonged grief
disorder. And what I say in thebook, and this really helps
people understand the difference- regular grief, you take off
work, you go to the funeral, yougo back to work, you may even
stop at a Mexican foodrestaurant and get a margarita.
But the complicated grief personcan barely get through the
(14:59):
funeral. The thought of evengoing to work appalls them. They
don't even remember where theywork, like their life completely
shuts down. They can't get pastthe memory of the one that
they've lost. They get angry atpeople when they do not hear
their loved one being spokenabout, which was me, I was in
that category, I was angry whenpeople would eat because I lost
(15:21):
23 pounds in a month. I wasangry at people that would not
acknowledge her when I wouldtalk with her. But now I
realized they were just afraidto say anything because they
knew how sensitive I was aboutit. But I think the most
important thing that we need todo for those people that are
suffering in complicated griefor PGD, is make sure they are
(15:45):
talking to someone that istrained in that exact type of
grief. That is crucial, it iscritical, and it is life
changing.
Michael Liben (15:56):
Thank you for saying that it is so important.
Because, you know, there's morepeople with complicated grief
than you might realize. Andthere's a tendency to say "get
over it". You know, "Why are youstill there? We have work to
do". People need help, and it'sokay to ask for help. And the
first part is recognizing thatyou need help. And I really
appreciate that you've donethat, that you're talking about
(16:16):
this now. I'm sorry to cut youoff. I just think it's such an
important thing that you'redoing. People really need to
know that it's a real thing, andthat everybody grieves
differently.
Theo Boyd (16:25):
Yes, everybody was well intentioned, wonderful
people genuinely trying to helpme. But when they would use a
comparison, like, "Well, when Ilost my mom, it took me..." you
know, or, "When I lost my dad.."and so with my mom, because that
was four years ago, and that'swhen I really started the book,
(16:47):
the title of this book has neverleft me it has never changed. It
has never been up for debate,the title of this book, they are
the six words that would neverleave my mind. Because if
someone would be talking to me,all that would be ringing in my
ears and in my head was, "mygrief is not like yours, my
grief is not like yours". And Ithought if I'm feeling this way,
(17:10):
unheard, which is the feeling,you're feeling unheard, you're
feeling oppressed. If I'mfeeling this way, there's got to
be a million other people outthere feeling that way. So I've
titled my book that way so thatwhen people get the book,
they're not just reading aboutmy grief, it's not about me,
they are actually going to beable to own that title for
themselves. And with the thinkpoints that we've put at the end
(17:32):
of every chapter, they're littlequestions where you can write
your own answer, like in thechapter, talked about a certain
subject, then at the end of thatchapter, we ask questions back
to the reader, so that they canhave ownership in it, and it
becomes their book, it is theirgrief.
Michael Liben (17:49):
I love that you have those points there that
questions and answers becausesomeone who's reading it, it's
actually having a conversationwith you. And you're someone
who's been there now, not in thesense that when my daddy died,
we did this, that that would bethat, that'd be terrible. But
what you're saying is talk tome, I'm listening to you, here's
my story, I want to hear yours.
And that's such a great way tohave a conversation, and to let
(18:12):
people open up and to discussand explore their own grief.
It's just, it's, I'm surprisedthat you're not a therapist, I
just think it's great thatyou've done that. And I think
it's a wonderful thing and itreally helps people get into it
and understand themselvesbetter. Now, we know that you
wrote your book as a means forhealing for yourself. But, it
also isn't just that; it's ameans of letting other people
(18:35):
participate in your healing Andin, by so doing, open up their
own healing. Tell us a littlebit about how you got into
podcasts. And all of that's kindof related, it's all a big
conversation, I think.
Theo Boyd (18:50):
Yeah. And that's what you do, too, with your podcast,
you you want people to telltheir story. And it is so
important. Because by belongingwe can share, and by sharing we
belong,
Michael Liben (19:01):
Oh! We can steal that. Just take note, we're
stealing that!
Theo Boyd (19:06):
You can, you can use that. "By belonging, we can
share, and by sharing webelong". I'm so thankful now
when I go to a book event, andsomebody comes up to the table
and usually with tears in theireyes. And they're just like,
"Thank you for writing down whatI was feeling so that I could
give this to my family and say,"Here, this is it, this is how I
(19:29):
feel" because they don't havethe ability to write it down or
to speak it. And I feel likeI've been given that gift. And
how terrible would that havebeen? If I would have just shut
that down and said, "No, Ican't, I can't speak about this.
I can't write about this". I seehow many people now are
benefiting from my healing. Iwas healing. I didn't even think
(19:50):
about anybody else. It washealing me to write the book.
And I thought, well, if peoplewant to read it, they can but
honestly I was like, I don'teven care, I'm writing it for
me. And now to know that it'sactually helping other people is
just - it's that "aha" momentthat teachers talk about. The
teachers talk about the "aha"moment when you see in your your
students eyes that they finallygrasp the concept...
Michael Liben (20:12):
Nothing like it.
Theo Boyd (20:13):
Nothing like that in the world, and I miss that. But
you know what, Michael? I'mgetting those aha moments now,
with my book. I may not beteaching high school English
anymore with 150 students, butnow I'm out and I'm talking to
1000s.
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please visit our website,heartsuniteglobe.org and make a
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providing resources to thecongenital heart defect
(20:48):
community. To educate, empower,and enrich the lives of our
community members. If you wouldlike access to free resources
pertaining to the CHD community,please visit our website at
congenitalheartdefects.com. Forinformation about CHD, hospitals
that treat CHD survivors, summercamps for CHD families, and
much, much more.
Michael Liben (21:08):
Theo, so we've been talking about your book and
I think it's a tremendous way ofgetting your thoughts out there
and getting people to, to sharewith you in some manner or
other, their own thoughts intheir own grief. I'd like to say
that one of the mottos of thisprogram is "Grief shared is
(21:30):
grief lightened" and I thinkthat's exactly what's going on
with your book. And I think it'stremendous. So where can we get
your book?
Theo Boyd (21:38):
Well, it's anywhere that books are sold; Amazon,
Simon and Schuster, Barnes andNoble, you should be able to
find it anywhere. You can go tomy website, which is
thinktheo.com, and you canpurchase it on there or you can
be guided where to find it. Andalso I did record it on Audible.
Michael Liben (21:56):
It's Theo's voice on the book. And it's...
Theo Boyd (21:59):
My old Texas twang.
Michael Liben (22:02):
I love it. It's very soothing. What have you got
coming up; special events wherepeople can meet you directly,
Theo Boyd (22:07):
You can keep up with my events by going to
thinktheo.com to look at theevent list.
Michael Liben (22:13):
Besides signing books, obviously, do you take
some time? Do people come to youwith their personal stories? I
imagine it's just not an averagebook signing for some reason.
Theo Boyd (22:21):
You're right. I'm glad you said that. Because it
is very unique. It's like ahybrid book signing, because we
have to do like a little bit ofa model of a counseling session
where we both go over and cryand hug each other. And then I
come back to the table and signbooks. We have met so many
wonderful people. And we've metstories. I've met stories, and
I've met people that are sohappy to have met my mom and
(22:43):
dad. And in the end, that's whatit's all about. I wanted people
to know about theseextraordinary two people that
were my parents - how wonderfulthey were and how much they did
for other people, and how nowbecause of how giving they were,
their lives gone inextraordinary ways. Their
ministry is continuing. And it'sjust so - I've got chills right
(23:06):
now all over because I know thatso many people are going to
benefit from the story of JoeBob and Sue.
Michael Liben (23:12):
I think is wonderful, because when you
write a book, when you tell yourstory, what you're basically
doing, and this is somethingthat we've discussed a lot on
this program is that you'refashioning memories, for people
who didn't know your loved ones,you're putting them out there.
And you're putting them in a waythat people want to meet them
and enjoy meeting them and liketheir story. And as long as
(23:33):
we're thinking about them,they're still alive, or at least
in some sense, they're stillwith us. And we all try to do
that. But I think writing a bookis one of the ways to really
ensure that their stories areout and known. And they're known
and you're heard. And all ofthese things are important. And
not every one of us, myselfincluded, not every one of us
(23:54):
has that gift for writing andtelling stories. You tell
stories beautifully. You justweave words together. And I can
- you talked earlier aboutclinking dishes, I heard that. I
could smell the food that youwere talking about. I mean, it
was just such a lovely way oftelling stories. It's very
enjoyable, I would heartilyrecommend this book to anyone
who hasn't seen it yet. Pleasego and get it.
Theo Boyd (24:13):
And I was gonna say, you know, I realize that
everybody out there can't writea book. You know, not everybody
is a writer, you know, I was acreative writing teacher and
I've been writing all my lifeand learned that from my dad who
was a minister and wrote all hissermons. But what I put in the
book was I did throw in a few ofmy mom's recipes. And I also
threw in, I through in a 100Things exercise for the reader.
(24:35):
And I have gotten such greatfeedback on that from people,
the book signings and the peopleI'm meeting on this journey, and
they're like, "I used 100 Thingsto remember everything about my
daughter who is still alive andI mailed it to her". So these,
this 100 Things exercise, youcan use it for somebody that's
still alive, you can useit...One lady said that she did
(24:57):
it for her all the 100 thingsthat she didn't like about her
ex husband and it really helpedher. So you know, whatever,
whatever you, whatever floatsyour boat, but you can use the
100 Things exercise, and all ofa sudden, guess what you've
written down, and it doesn'thave to be 100, it can be 10.
You can type it in your phone,it doesn't have to be fancy. But
all of a sudden, you are writinga book, because you're writing
(25:19):
things that you remember aboutthat person that you've lost.
Michael Liben (25:23):
Go back a second, be very specific, because you
went right into this. What isthe 100? Things? How does it
work? How can I do it?
Theo Boyd (25:30):
The 100 Things exercise stems from me sitting
at the kitchen table after mymom died and feeling unheard.
And I got out a pad of paper andI just numbered it one to 100.
And I just started writingeverything that I knew and
remembered about my mom. My momwas beautiful, my mom loved my
dad, mama loved cooking, mamaloved baking. And it doesn't
(25:54):
have to be 100 things, it can bejust 10 things. And you don't
have to write it on a piece ofpaper, you can type it in your
computer or on your phone. Andas we've been going out, I've
just been meeting so many peoplethat are doing the 100 things
and they're modifying it to fittheir loss or their life. So the
100 things exercise is justanother part of the book where I
(26:16):
want people to be able toexplore and heal in their own
grief.
Michael Liben (26:22):
Sometimes, you know, it might even make a nice
gift right? Here's 50 things Ilove about you.
Theo Boyd (26:26):
Yes, turn it into Etsy and have somebody make it
all pretty in a frame and youknow, put it, slap a calligraphy
font on it and put it in aframe.
Michael Liben (26:36):
Make it a meme, I hope you didn't take me wrong, I
didn't mean to make light ofthat at all, I think it's such a
wonderful thing.
Theo Boyd (26:42):
No, no! And one thing you're gonna find that you and I
keep touching on, we love ourcomedic side. And there's a lot
of funny things in this book,just at the point that you think
you're gonna cry, you're gonnastart laughing because my dad
was a comedian. He always said,"I could be on stage". And then
he'd pause and say, "There's oneleaving in five minutes".
Michael Liben (27:03):
That's a Texas joke.
Theo Boyd (27:04):
It is! You know, daddy would - he had written
entire comedy skits. And hewrote, he wrote one that I put a
few things of that in the book,and he wrote about the house
that was too small; the housethat was too small, that you
couldn't even eat a footlong hotdog. And the house that was too
small that the mail had to bedelivered vertically, not
horizontally. Yeah, it's just mydad was so genuine and creative.
(27:30):
And I just missed that humorfrom him. But I'm trying to keep
it going.
Michael Liben (27:34):
Lastly, before we come to an end, let's talk about
what you've learned over theyears in living with so much
loss and what advice you havefor others who have complicated
or prolonged grief disorder. Andhumor can certainly be a part of
this answer because I think it'strue.
Theo Boyd (27:46):
Number one is to please, please, I can't stress
this enough, get to someone thatis professionally trained in
grief and complicated grief orPGD, prolonged grief disorder,
counseling, talk to someone, youmay think you're fine, you don't
need to, well, that's fine. Justgo one time. And you will just
(28:07):
be amazed at how life changingit is. And the other thing I'm
going to say is surroundyourself with friends. If, you
know, I'm a I'm a people person,I can you know, make a friend
with a fence post. But mostpeople you know, have a hard
time especially in grief. Itkind of even takes an extrovert
and makes them an introvert. Buttry to surround yourself with
(28:28):
people that care and people thatare gonna be there for you no
matter what. Gail, my counselor,once said, "Grief separates the
adults from the children". Andyou, you will find out who those
true friends are and let themhold you. They're there to hold
you when you don't think you canstay up. And they're there to
hold you when you're falling.
Surround yourself with thefriends in the love and get to
(28:50):
that professional person thatcan help you.
Michael Liben (28:55):
Theo Boyd. The book is, "My Grief is Not Like
Yours" available on Amazon andwherever you can buy a book.
Thank you so much for joiningus. It has been a delight and a
privilege and a pleasure and Ihope you come back soon.
Theo Boyd (29:09):
I hope so I just love y'all so much. Y'all are just a
great a great team and I reallyappreciate you taking the time
with me and with this message inmy book.
Michael Liben (29:19):
Thank you so much. That concludes this
episode of "Bereaved but StillMe". I want to thank Theo Boyd
for sharing her book, herprojects, her experience with
us. Please join us at thebeginning of the month for a
brand new podcast. I'll be withyou soon. But until then please
remember moving forward is notmoving away.
Disclaimer (29:37):
Thank you for joining us. We hope you have
felt supported in your griefjourney. "Bereaved But Still Me"
is a monthly podcast and a newepisode is released on the first
Thursday of each month. You canhear our podcast anywhere you
normally listen to podcasts atany time. Join us again next
month for a brand new episode of"Bereaved But Still Me"
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