July 14, 2024 • 27 mins
Crystal reads an essay entiteld The Allure of the Black Man, published on her Medium publication "Exploring Love's Spectrum: Monogamy & Beyond" The Allure of the Black Man essay Enhance your journey with personalized guidance! 🔮 Crystal Clarity — Navigating Ethical Non-Monogamy in the 21st Century 🔮 Book your one-on-one session today! https://cal.com/crystalwelch FOLLOW:
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I wanted to share a bit of my personal experience in this too.
We live in a cuckold relationship so I have lovers my
husband doesn't and both of us are black only because of that's
our preference. Hey everybody, I just wanted to
(00:20):
give you a quick notice. I am starting to offer a
one-on-one coaching session. It's called Ask Crystal, it is
coaching for individuals and couples as they explore ethical
non monogamy. Whatever your dynamic is, I've
been living in this dynamic for 10 years and I've learned a ton.
And I hope to share some of thatwisdom with you in the hopes
(00:42):
that it will help you. So you'll get the details in the
show notes and I hope to see youthere.
Hello friends. Crystal Well Chair and I'm doing
something different today. I've been thinking about this
for a while, but I'm primarily awriter.
That's where I've put most of this stuff that I write about
(01:02):
and cuckolding and consensual non monogamy.
And I love to interview other people in the lifestyle.
That's been really fun. But I also thought it might be
helpful because I think more people will listen to podcasts
than they will read A blog post.So I thought I would share some
of my blog content here and put up some discussion points and I
(01:27):
would love feedback from you guys if you find it helpful in
any way. If you don't agree, any kind of
feedback is fine by me. So the first topic that I wanted
to take up because I get a lot of, I'd say slings and arrows
from mostly white men when I saythat I prefer black men, that
(01:53):
I'm black only that you know, and everybody all of a sudden
they just assume that you're a racist and you're, I don't know
what they think, but I've gottena lot of negative feedback about
that. And although I have explained
many, many times that it's a personal preference based on my
history, it isn't, doesn't have anything to do with fetter
(02:14):
sizing. So I, I wanted to break that
down. So I'm gonna share parts of two
of my blog posts on this topic. The first one is called The
Allure of the Black Man. And I wrote this several years
ago and that's when I started getting all kinds of you're a
racist kind of stuff. And I, so I'll share this first
(02:38):
one and then I, I, the second part will be an examination of
what is the difference between afetish and a preference.
And so hopefully that clears it up for some people, but maybe it
won't. But that's my hope.
So I would love your feedback too.
If you listen to this podcast and you find some value in it,
I, you know, be sure to put yourquestions out and, and I will
(03:02):
answer them to the best of my ability.
So the allure of the black men. It's an interesting time in our
history to discuss interracial dating and mating.
In some ways, America's historical racism has been
revealed again. I think we can all see that,
right? Yet hundreds of millions
(03:25):
worldwide support the Black Lives Matter movement and hate
what we see in our politics and cities.
When I tell people that I favor black men, frequently I'm
accused of being a fetishist. I'm not at all.
The truth is, my first profound love was a black man in college,
(03:46):
and it's been part of my life ever since.
I'm married to a great white mannow, but I prefer my lover to be
black. For those of you who don't know
my material, I am a cuckoldress and my husband is a cuck and we
are both black only. We are a Poly flavored cuck
(04:07):
couple and I can talk about thata little bit more.
That's one of the other definingelements between a preference
and a fetish is when it's a preference, you're taking the
whole person into concern and you want emotion, an emotional
connection, not just using them for their anatomy or whatever it
(04:30):
is that's in your mind. So here's why I personally find
black men so compelling. Black skin is thick and lush,
sensual when I touch it, like satin and velvet in the flesh.
So the first time I caressed black skin, it felt like a
luxury I shouldn't be able to afford.
(04:53):
I craved black touch more strongly than Carrie Bradshaw
craved. I think it's Manolo Blahnik
shoes. However, I did have a perfectly
acceptable explanation for my interest.
I use that excuse of the lack ofavailable white partners
(05:14):
thinking to explain my fascination with black men most
of my adult life. But that just isn't true for me.
I want my lover to be black. Even though plenty of white men
are available. It's no secret that women
largely become invisible in America in American culture past
(05:35):
a certain age. And I'm past that certain age.
So what do we do if we still want active, exciting sex lives
and social lives? Black men seem more than happy
to accommodate the MILF that mayhave arrived at an age post kid
raising and wanting a vital sex experience.
In my in my life experience, I find black men much less ageist.
(06:03):
The laws of the marketplace do prevail.
However, it's also not true thatI no longer attract white men.
The truth is, I draw the same percentage of available white
men as I did in my 30s. Enough white men wished to be
with me that I was hardly facingin for celibacy.
But I didn't want them. I like black men.
(06:26):
They also want me. We gaze at one another and I can
feel a visible explosion of sexual energy in the lingering
glances. Our attraction is based on race
and very deliberate, along with other personal qualities we'd
like in any other partner. Their intelligence, their
ability to communicate, their ability to be transparent and
(06:48):
authentic. You know, those are real human
qualities that black skin doesn't just manufacture.
It's the person, it's the whole person.
We are not those people who happen to fall in love with
someone of a different race. We unite purposely and out of
some greater sense of interracial understanding, not
(07:09):
as politically correct people, but as people who do have
preferences. The World Wide Web has made it
easier for us to find each other.
We're not the people who say that race is not important.
It it's important to us. We have very race specific
desires. In an age where nearly 40% of
(07:30):
single Americans have dated outside their race, the
deliberate seeking of the specific other is criticized.
It makes some people, especiallywhite men and some black women,
really mad. We are what they denigrate and
castigate. White women and black men choose
each other because of our racialdifferences.
(07:51):
Although that's not the only criteria.
My black sisters resent our taking their men.
The white men who are offended are still trapped in the White
men should rule all way of thinking or just old fashioned
racism. The truth is, black men are more
than two and 1/2 times more likely to marry a white woman
(08:13):
than a black woman is to marry awhite man.
Honestly, I think I'd probably feel the same way if I was a
black woman. According to one school of
thought, mature white women often turn to black men when
their sex drives kick into high gear and their social
inhibitions recede into the rearview mirror.
(08:35):
This is certainly true for me. I've had lovers half my age
leaving them exhausted and limping when going home.
I'm proud to say mature women are solidly in the Have No Fucks
Left to Give column. It's a yes, I want you and I'm
ready. Somehow they know it, and they
enthusiastically await us. In my experience, black men have
(09:01):
more style, energy and swagger than white men.
They are experts at charm and flirting, a nearly lost art
among many men. On a side note here, I love a
good flirt and boy, it's really hard to find that in today's
world I. I don't know where the art of
flirting has gone, but most black men I know just have that
(09:25):
skill and they use it and it makes you feel seen and
appreciated. So I love that part.
A black man becomes damn sexy because he knows how to make a
woman feel sexy. Black men have something I find
so compelling. It's a confidence in their
masculinity and in their sexuality.
This permits me to set aside my own strong personality for a
(09:47):
little bit and fully sink into my femininity.
Sometimes I felt like white men appear to be waiting for the
latest sociological research project to let them know if
they're still men or not. Maybe that sounds harsh, but
that's been kind of my experience.
Except for my darling husband, black men are gentlemen.
(10:07):
They allow me to feel like a woman, both protected,
respected, and desired. I feel I can let go of my
inhibitions and my need to control when I'm with them.
I've often felt when dating white men that it was only
during the sex act that a tiny layer of space between me and
the world disappeared. Then, and only then was I able
(10:31):
to open to genuine, intimate connection.
Black men, so alive with the erotic electricity, they move
through that space with a touch,a caress, a kiss, and the
freedom means I can genuinely touch them back.
I feel like a pampered passengerin a trendy sports car with a
(10:53):
seasoned driver at the wheel. I could suggest a route change,
but why would I? One lover, a handsome
businessman, seduced me via the Internet.
Even in virtual reality, he was a master of seduction.
With a few words, he asked intelligent, tuned in questions
in his attempt to know me. He didn't move further until he
(11:14):
intuitively understood that the timing was right.
Simultaneously soft spoken and assertive, he had impeccable
manners and charm. When we finally met, I kissed
him 30 minutes after first meeting him.
I'm sure some black men aren't skilled lovers.
I'm not suggesting that they allare.
Personally, I have not experienced that though.
(11:36):
The men that I have met personally and been with
personally have all been skilledlovers.
They look delicious. They touch and kiss and Make
Love in the most delicious ways.I've also observed that many
white men over the age of 40 seem to have lost a lot of the
zest for life. As I noticed this lethargy, I
(11:57):
realized I'd started to lose interest in white men, except
for some foreigners. This admission puts me in the
same class as the older man, only interested primarily or
exclusively in younger women. Women my age snort at these
aging boomers pushing baby strollers with thin blonde wives
20 years younger than they are on their arm.
(12:20):
It's funny, but I feel sort of akinship with the old goats.
We're the same. That bald white guy and me.
We're drawn to the exotic other.Not caring about the object of
our desire has no childhood memory of suburban white
existence. If you analyze the roots of a
track of attractions, as many scientists have done, you won't
(12:42):
come up with a concise explanation for why we crave
what we do. We know desire arises from our
depths and is gloriously oblivious to the reasonable
opinion of others. Until recently, I pretended that
my interest was an equal opportunity craving because that
seemed like it was the right thing to do.
(13:04):
I was halfway through the first glass of wine on my last date
with a white guy. I noticed little clouds of
sadness and self pity regularly fluffing off his being.
I wanted to help him and suggestthat he develop an interest in
something outside of himself, and I was tempted to walk out
immediately, but it wouldn't have surprised him.
(13:27):
Sadly, I couldn't deliver the blow to his ego.
My cousins from the South would describe his general demeanor as
a hang dog heir. I glanced at the exit as I drank
the second glass of wine. I wanted to possibly hang that
dog myself when I noticed that his face was flushed.
(13:49):
I hadn't noticed it before, but it was because he had revealed
that he had taken a Viagra just in case.
Now keep in mind this was the first date.
Did he imagine that sex was probable because I'm a sex and
relationship journalist? Or did he know that he would
need chemical help if sex did occur?
(14:11):
I cannot imagine a black man bungling an attempted seduction
in such a sad way. That was my last token white
guy. I recently came out of my racial
preference closet and I told my friends I love black men.
I'm not dating white men anymore.
(14:32):
Nobody was surprised. So that's the first thing I
wrote on race. And I've gotten a lot of
positive comments, but I probably have gotten probably an
equal amount of negative, you know, as I said, mostly from
white men who just hate the fact, you know, and I've I've
often considered too. I wonder if this rise in overt
(14:57):
racism that we're seeing in America right now, is that part
of it, that white men are so threatened by black men that
they think black men are gonna steal their women away and, you
know, have dominion over the earth?
Maybe. I don't know.
I can't speak to it because I don't know.
But I've I've thought about that.
(15:17):
So then I just wrote this article today and I will post my
blogs in the show notes so that if it's on medium if you want to
go find those. I have 60 some odd blogs in
there all on cuckolding and non consensual non monogamy and
(15:37):
race. So this one is called.
Is my preference for black men afetish or a preference?
I've long had a preference for black men when dating.
I'm married to a white man because he's is a terrific cuck
male and we live in an area thatis not diverse.
It's tough here to find men of color.
(15:59):
So we go with what's practical, right?
Since I've been writing and podcasting about interracial
preferences, I've been the target of many slings and arrows
condemning me for this racial preference.
I thought it might be helpful toexamine the differences, the
actual differences between fetish and preference and
perhaps help other people who are struggling with this to
(16:21):
discern the difference between these two things.
So preference, this is what preference is.
Personal preference refers to anindividual's attraction to
specific characteristics in a partner that do not reduce the
person to those characteristics alone.
So if the only reason somebody would like a black man is
(16:44):
because he's black, and there are no other qualities that even
enter in the picture, that's probably a fetish.
A preference for interracial dating refers to an individual's
inclination toward dating peopleof a certain race based on
personal attraction or experience.
Preferences are typically rootedin a genuine appreciation and
(17:05):
respect for the individual as a whole.
Being. So meaning you're just as
interested in his personality, his his intellect, his sense of
humor, his sense of style, all of those things that make up a
person that can play into what are preferences for you.
Here's some examples of preference.
(17:28):
A cultural connection. Someone might prefer dating
individuals from a particular a particular racial background
because they share cultural values, traditions, or languages
that resonate with their own personal experiences.
Now this one was mine. A person with positive past
relationships with individuals from a particular race might
(17:49):
develop a preference for that race.
This is very true in my case. My first boyfriend was black in
college and I was fully immersedin black culture for four years
and it changed me completely. And I'll say it as a side note.
I came from an intensely racist family, so it was a big sea
(18:10):
change for me to actually be with and spend time with and
immerse myself in a different culture.
You know, I, I realized how foolish racism really is.
Another example would be aesthetic attraction.
Someone might be naturally drawnto specific physical features
more common in certain races without reducing that person to
(18:32):
just those features. Again, if it's just black skin,
that's probably a fetish, but ifit's the whole person that
you're considering, that's probably a preference.
These preferences can include a range of factors such as
personality traits, interest, physical appearance, cultural
background. Some of the characteristics of
(18:55):
preference are it's a holistic view, the attraction part of a
broader appreciation for the person as unique.
For instance, you may be intellectual equals, which also
compels me personally and find that that would be attractive in
a black man or a white man. I don't.
(19:16):
I just don't date white. So I look for those other
qualities. In black men.
My lovely cuckold husband has filled that slot.
For the white man, that slot is taken.
Another characteristic is mutualrespect.
There's a fundamental respect for the person's individuality
and humanity. Varied interests.
(19:39):
Preferences are often diverse and not limited to a single
trait or a characteristic. For me, it's not just skin
color. It's imagination, intelligence,
humor, warmth. I mentioned flirting before.
All of those things are what I seek out and it's dynamic
preferences can evolve and can be context dependent.
(19:59):
As I discover as I discover morein life's journey, things and
characteristics get added to my list of preferences.
So that's really a succinct of definition of preferences.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat fetishism is.
Now fetishism is in On the otherhand, it's sort of the.
(20:24):
Opposite of preference. It involves an obsessive or an
exaggerated focus on a specific racial characteristic, often
often reducing the person to just those traits.
It's typically based on. Stereotypes.
Can objectify and dehumanize theperson.
(20:45):
Examples of fetishism. Stereotyping.
That person might be interested in dating someone of a
particular race because they believe the stereotypes that
they've heard about that race orthat they've seen in porn.
Such as Asian women love being submissive, black men are
sexually dominant. Those are stereotypes and
(21:07):
certainly not true of whoever you're considering in that
statement. Exoticism.
Someone might fetishize a personfrom another race because they
see them as exotic or different in a way that's appealing solely
due to their race, not because of who they are as people or as
individuals. Objectification.
(21:31):
A person might be attracted to individuals of a certain race
purely based on fetishized physical traits such as skin
color, body type, without a genuine interest in the person's
personality or individuality. So if you're going back through
your own experience and you're saying, was I fetishizing this
person or was it a preference? Those are some of the key things
(21:52):
that you look for and I do in myself.
Am I picking out this one or twothings?
And that's the only thing that matters where I'm am I
considering the whole person as they are?
So how you tell preference from fetishism is it's a respect
versus objectification. Preferences are based on a
(22:16):
respectful appreciation of the whole person, while fetishism
objectifies and reduces the person to just their racial
traits. Stereotypes versus individuality
preferences do not rely on racial stereotypes, whereas
fetishism often does. A genuine interest versus an
(22:40):
obsession preferences involve genuine interest in someone's
culture, personality, life experience, while fetishism
involves an obsessive fixation on the racial characteristics
alone. Here's some scenarios that might
illustrate this point. So Person A says I enjoy
(23:03):
learning about Japanese culture and values, and I find myself
more compatible with Japanese partners because we share
similar interests and communication styles.
That's an example of a preference.
Person Two says I only date Japanese people because they're
all so polite and obedient. I love their skin and hair.
(23:25):
So you can see the difference. One is considering a whole
person, the other one is just picking out racial elements that
they've decided in their mind iswhat they want to fixate on.
In scenario one, person A shows a preference based on shared
values and interests, appreciating the individual
(23:46):
beyond the racial traits. In scenario two, person B
exhibits fetishism by relying onstereotypes and focusing solely
on racial characteristics. Understanding these differences
is crucial for fostering healthy, respectful
relationships in the context of interracial dating.
(24:08):
So, in conclusion, interracial dating, a preference involves a
genuine attraction to individuals of a certain race
based on personal experience, cultural connection, aesthetic
appeal without ever reducing them to just the racial traits.
It's rooted in respect and appreciation for the whole
(24:29):
person. Fetishism, on the other hand,
involves an obsessive focus on racial characteristics and
stereotypes, objectifying and dehumanizing individuals by
reducing them to just those traits.
Preference respects individuality and shared values.
(24:49):
Fetishism fix on on racial characteristics and stereotypes.
Understanding the distinction between those two things is
essential for fostering healthy and respectful interracial
relationships. So I wanted to share a bit of my
personal experience in this too.We live in a cuckold
relationship so I have lovers, my husband doesn't and both of
(25:13):
us are black only because of that's our preference.
But we have many many friends inthe lifestyle too.
And I've heard from more than one black men who feel
objectified by the couples that they have been with or just the
single women that they they feltlike they they were just used.
(25:37):
They were used because of their anatomy or used because of
whatever the person thought or whatever the person saw in porn
that week. And it's very dehumanizing.
It's very, very dehumanizing. Nobody wants that.
I have been fetishized before, you know, mostly in my younger
(25:57):
years. But you know, I have blonde hair
and big boobs. And there are men who have
fetishized me, you know, that I was some kind of, you know,
ornament or something that they would haul around.
They weren't. They didn't care about what I
thought about anything or whether I was intelligent or
articulate on any topic. They just wanted what they
(26:18):
wanted. And it feels terrible.
It feels terrible. It's very dehumanizing.
So I guess the point of doing this content is to help more
people be more self aware. All of us have preferences, but
humans are worth more than fetish fulfilment and nobody
(26:41):
owes you that. So check in with yourself, you
know, if you're obsessing about one thing or the other thing,
just make sure that you're considering the whole person,
not just their skin color or their eye color or their car.
Make sure that you're considering the whole person.
You'll have help, healthier relationships and you won't
(27:05):
dehumanize people and discouragepeople along the way.
That's it for now. Until next time, thanks for
tuning in.
I wanted to share a bit of my personal experience in this too.
We live in a cuckold relationship so I have lovers my
husband doesn't and both of us are black only because of that's
our preference. Hey everybody, I just wanted to
(00:20):
give you a quick notice. I am starting to offer a
one-on-one coaching session. It's called Ask Crystal, it is
coaching for individuals and couples as they explore ethical
non monogamy. Whatever your dynamic is, I've
been living in this dynamic for 10 years and I've learned a ton.
And I hope to share some of thatwisdom with you in the hopes
(00:42):
that it will help you. So you'll get the details in the
show notes and I hope to see youthere.
Hello friends. Crystal Well Chair and I'm doing
something different today. I've been thinking about this
for a while, but I'm primarily awriter.
That's where I've put most of this stuff that I write about
(01:02):
and cuckolding and consensual non monogamy.
And I love to interview other people in the lifestyle.
That's been really fun. But I also thought it might be
helpful because I think more people will listen to podcasts
than they will read A blog post.So I thought I would share some
of my blog content here and put up some discussion points and I
(01:27):
would love feedback from you guys if you find it helpful in
any way. If you don't agree, any kind of
feedback is fine by me. So the first topic that I wanted
to take up because I get a lot of, I'd say slings and arrows
from mostly white men when I saythat I prefer black men, that
(01:53):
I'm black only that you know, and everybody all of a sudden
they just assume that you're a racist and you're, I don't know
what they think, but I've gottena lot of negative feedback about
that. And although I have explained
many, many times that it's a personal preference based on my
history, it isn't, doesn't have anything to do with fetter
(02:14):
sizing. So I, I wanted to break that
down. So I'm gonna share parts of two
of my blog posts on this topic. The first one is called The
Allure of the Black Man. And I wrote this several years
ago and that's when I started getting all kinds of you're a
racist kind of stuff. And I, so I'll share this first
(02:38):
one and then I, I, the second part will be an examination of
what is the difference between afetish and a preference.
And so hopefully that clears it up for some people, but maybe it
won't. But that's my hope.
So I would love your feedback too.
If you listen to this podcast and you find some value in it,
I, you know, be sure to put yourquestions out and, and I will
(03:02):
answer them to the best of my ability.
So the allure of the black men. It's an interesting time in our
history to discuss interracial dating and mating.
In some ways, America's historical racism has been
revealed again. I think we can all see that,
right? Yet hundreds of millions
(03:25):
worldwide support the Black Lives Matter movement and hate
what we see in our politics and cities.
When I tell people that I favor black men, frequently I'm
accused of being a fetishist. I'm not at all.
The truth is, my first profound love was a black man in college,
(03:46):
and it's been part of my life ever since.
I'm married to a great white mannow, but I prefer my lover to be
black. For those of you who don't know
my material, I am a cuckoldress and my husband is a cuck and we
are both black only. We are a Poly flavored cuck
(04:07):
couple and I can talk about thata little bit more.
That's one of the other definingelements between a preference
and a fetish is when it's a preference, you're taking the
whole person into concern and you want emotion, an emotional
connection, not just using them for their anatomy or whatever it
(04:30):
is that's in your mind. So here's why I personally find
black men so compelling. Black skin is thick and lush,
sensual when I touch it, like satin and velvet in the flesh.
So the first time I caressed black skin, it felt like a
luxury I shouldn't be able to afford.
(04:53):
I craved black touch more strongly than Carrie Bradshaw
craved. I think it's Manolo Blahnik
shoes. However, I did have a perfectly
acceptable explanation for my interest.
I use that excuse of the lack ofavailable white partners
(05:14):
thinking to explain my fascination with black men most
of my adult life. But that just isn't true for me.
I want my lover to be black. Even though plenty of white men
are available. It's no secret that women
largely become invisible in America in American culture past
(05:35):
a certain age. And I'm past that certain age.
So what do we do if we still want active, exciting sex lives
and social lives? Black men seem more than happy
to accommodate the MILF that mayhave arrived at an age post kid
raising and wanting a vital sex experience.
In my in my life experience, I find black men much less ageist.
(06:03):
The laws of the marketplace do prevail.
However, it's also not true thatI no longer attract white men.
The truth is, I draw the same percentage of available white
men as I did in my 30s. Enough white men wished to be
with me that I was hardly facingin for celibacy.
But I didn't want them. I like black men.
(06:26):
They also want me. We gaze at one another and I can
feel a visible explosion of sexual energy in the lingering
glances. Our attraction is based on race
and very deliberate, along with other personal qualities we'd
like in any other partner. Their intelligence, their
ability to communicate, their ability to be transparent and
(06:48):
authentic. You know, those are real human
qualities that black skin doesn't just manufacture.
It's the person, it's the whole person.
We are not those people who happen to fall in love with
someone of a different race. We unite purposely and out of
some greater sense of interracial understanding, not
(07:09):
as politically correct people, but as people who do have
preferences. The World Wide Web has made it
easier for us to find each other.
We're not the people who say that race is not important.
It it's important to us. We have very race specific
desires. In an age where nearly 40% of
(07:30):
single Americans have dated outside their race, the
deliberate seeking of the specific other is criticized.
It makes some people, especiallywhite men and some black women,
really mad. We are what they denigrate and
castigate. White women and black men choose
each other because of our racialdifferences.
(07:51):
Although that's not the only criteria.
My black sisters resent our taking their men.
The white men who are offended are still trapped in the White
men should rule all way of thinking or just old fashioned
racism. The truth is, black men are more
than two and 1/2 times more likely to marry a white woman
(08:13):
than a black woman is to marry awhite man.
Honestly, I think I'd probably feel the same way if I was a
black woman. According to one school of
thought, mature white women often turn to black men when
their sex drives kick into high gear and their social
inhibitions recede into the rearview mirror.
(08:35):
This is certainly true for me. I've had lovers half my age
leaving them exhausted and limping when going home.
I'm proud to say mature women are solidly in the Have No Fucks
Left to Give column. It's a yes, I want you and I'm
ready. Somehow they know it, and they
enthusiastically await us. In my experience, black men have
(09:01):
more style, energy and swagger than white men.
They are experts at charm and flirting, a nearly lost art
among many men. On a side note here, I love a
good flirt and boy, it's really hard to find that in today's
world I. I don't know where the art of
flirting has gone, but most black men I know just have that
(09:25):
skill and they use it and it makes you feel seen and
appreciated. So I love that part.
A black man becomes damn sexy because he knows how to make a
woman feel sexy. Black men have something I find
so compelling. It's a confidence in their
masculinity and in their sexuality.
This permits me to set aside my own strong personality for a
(09:47):
little bit and fully sink into my femininity.
Sometimes I felt like white men appear to be waiting for the
latest sociological research project to let them know if
they're still men or not. Maybe that sounds harsh, but
that's been kind of my experience.
Except for my darling husband, black men are gentlemen.
(10:07):
They allow me to feel like a woman, both protected,
respected, and desired. I feel I can let go of my
inhibitions and my need to control when I'm with them.
I've often felt when dating white men that it was only
during the sex act that a tiny layer of space between me and
the world disappeared. Then, and only then was I able
(10:31):
to open to genuine, intimate connection.
Black men, so alive with the erotic electricity, they move
through that space with a touch,a caress, a kiss, and the
freedom means I can genuinely touch them back.
I feel like a pampered passengerin a trendy sports car with a
(10:53):
seasoned driver at the wheel. I could suggest a route change,
but why would I? One lover, a handsome
businessman, seduced me via the Internet.
Even in virtual reality, he was a master of seduction.
With a few words, he asked intelligent, tuned in questions
in his attempt to know me. He didn't move further until he
(11:14):
intuitively understood that the timing was right.
Simultaneously soft spoken and assertive, he had impeccable
manners and charm. When we finally met, I kissed
him 30 minutes after first meeting him.
I'm sure some black men aren't skilled lovers.
I'm not suggesting that they allare.
Personally, I have not experienced that though.
(11:36):
The men that I have met personally and been with
personally have all been skilledlovers.
They look delicious. They touch and kiss and Make
Love in the most delicious ways.I've also observed that many
white men over the age of 40 seem to have lost a lot of the
zest for life. As I noticed this lethargy, I
(11:57):
realized I'd started to lose interest in white men, except
for some foreigners. This admission puts me in the
same class as the older man, only interested primarily or
exclusively in younger women. Women my age snort at these
aging boomers pushing baby strollers with thin blonde wives
20 years younger than they are on their arm.
(12:20):
It's funny, but I feel sort of akinship with the old goats.
We're the same. That bald white guy and me.
We're drawn to the exotic other.Not caring about the object of
our desire has no childhood memory of suburban white
existence. If you analyze the roots of a
track of attractions, as many scientists have done, you won't
(12:42):
come up with a concise explanation for why we crave
what we do. We know desire arises from our
depths and is gloriously oblivious to the reasonable
opinion of others. Until recently, I pretended that
my interest was an equal opportunity craving because that
seemed like it was the right thing to do.
(13:04):
I was halfway through the first glass of wine on my last date
with a white guy. I noticed little clouds of
sadness and self pity regularly fluffing off his being.
I wanted to help him and suggestthat he develop an interest in
something outside of himself, and I was tempted to walk out
immediately, but it wouldn't have surprised him.
(13:27):
Sadly, I couldn't deliver the blow to his ego.
My cousins from the South would describe his general demeanor as
a hang dog heir. I glanced at the exit as I drank
the second glass of wine. I wanted to possibly hang that
dog myself when I noticed that his face was flushed.
(13:49):
I hadn't noticed it before, but it was because he had revealed
that he had taken a Viagra just in case.
Now keep in mind this was the first date.
Did he imagine that sex was probable because I'm a sex and
relationship journalist? Or did he know that he would
need chemical help if sex did occur?
(14:11):
I cannot imagine a black man bungling an attempted seduction
in such a sad way. That was my last token white
guy. I recently came out of my racial
preference closet and I told my friends I love black men.
I'm not dating white men anymore.
(14:32):
Nobody was surprised. So that's the first thing I
wrote on race. And I've gotten a lot of
positive comments, but I probably have gotten probably an
equal amount of negative, you know, as I said, mostly from
white men who just hate the fact, you know, and I've I've
often considered too. I wonder if this rise in overt
(14:57):
racism that we're seeing in America right now, is that part
of it, that white men are so threatened by black men that
they think black men are gonna steal their women away and, you
know, have dominion over the earth?
Maybe. I don't know.
I can't speak to it because I don't know.
But I've I've thought about that.
(15:17):
So then I just wrote this article today and I will post my
blogs in the show notes so that if it's on medium if you want to
go find those. I have 60 some odd blogs in
there all on cuckolding and non consensual non monogamy and
(15:37):
race. So this one is called.
Is my preference for black men afetish or a preference?
I've long had a preference for black men when dating.
I'm married to a white man because he's is a terrific cuck
male and we live in an area thatis not diverse.
It's tough here to find men of color.
(15:59):
So we go with what's practical, right?
Since I've been writing and podcasting about interracial
preferences, I've been the target of many slings and arrows
condemning me for this racial preference.
I thought it might be helpful toexamine the differences, the
actual differences between fetish and preference and
perhaps help other people who are struggling with this to
(16:21):
discern the difference between these two things.
So preference, this is what preference is.
Personal preference refers to anindividual's attraction to
specific characteristics in a partner that do not reduce the
person to those characteristics alone.
So if the only reason somebody would like a black man is
(16:44):
because he's black, and there are no other qualities that even
enter in the picture, that's probably a fetish.
A preference for interracial dating refers to an individual's
inclination toward dating peopleof a certain race based on
personal attraction or experience.
Preferences are typically rootedin a genuine appreciation and
(17:05):
respect for the individual as a whole.
Being. So meaning you're just as
interested in his personality, his his intellect, his sense of
humor, his sense of style, all of those things that make up a
person that can play into what are preferences for you.
Here's some examples of preference.
(17:28):
A cultural connection. Someone might prefer dating
individuals from a particular a particular racial background
because they share cultural values, traditions, or languages
that resonate with their own personal experiences.
Now this one was mine. A person with positive past
relationships with individuals from a particular race might
(17:49):
develop a preference for that race.
This is very true in my case. My first boyfriend was black in
college and I was fully immersedin black culture for four years
and it changed me completely. And I'll say it as a side note.
I came from an intensely racist family, so it was a big sea
(18:10):
change for me to actually be with and spend time with and
immerse myself in a different culture.
You know, I, I realized how foolish racism really is.
Another example would be aesthetic attraction.
Someone might be naturally drawnto specific physical features
more common in certain races without reducing that person to
(18:32):
just those features. Again, if it's just black skin,
that's probably a fetish, but ifit's the whole person that
you're considering, that's probably a preference.
These preferences can include a range of factors such as
personality traits, interest, physical appearance, cultural
background. Some of the characteristics of
(18:55):
preference are it's a holistic view, the attraction part of a
broader appreciation for the person as unique.
For instance, you may be intellectual equals, which also
compels me personally and find that that would be attractive in
a black man or a white man. I don't.
(19:16):
I just don't date white. So I look for those other
qualities. In black men.
My lovely cuckold husband has filled that slot.
For the white man, that slot is taken.
Another characteristic is mutualrespect.
There's a fundamental respect for the person's individuality
and humanity. Varied interests.
(19:39):
Preferences are often diverse and not limited to a single
trait or a characteristic. For me, it's not just skin
color. It's imagination, intelligence,
humor, warmth. I mentioned flirting before.
All of those things are what I seek out and it's dynamic
preferences can evolve and can be context dependent.
(19:59):
As I discover as I discover morein life's journey, things and
characteristics get added to my list of preferences.
So that's really a succinct of definition of preferences.
So let's talk a little bit aboutwhat fetishism is.
Now fetishism is in On the otherhand, it's sort of the.
(20:24):
Opposite of preference. It involves an obsessive or an
exaggerated focus on a specific racial characteristic, often
often reducing the person to just those traits.
It's typically based on. Stereotypes.
Can objectify and dehumanize theperson.
(20:45):
Examples of fetishism. Stereotyping.
That person might be interested in dating someone of a
particular race because they believe the stereotypes that
they've heard about that race orthat they've seen in porn.
Such as Asian women love being submissive, black men are
sexually dominant. Those are stereotypes and
(21:07):
certainly not true of whoever you're considering in that
statement. Exoticism.
Someone might fetishize a personfrom another race because they
see them as exotic or different in a way that's appealing solely
due to their race, not because of who they are as people or as
individuals. Objectification.
(21:31):
A person might be attracted to individuals of a certain race
purely based on fetishized physical traits such as skin
color, body type, without a genuine interest in the person's
personality or individuality. So if you're going back through
your own experience and you're saying, was I fetishizing this
person or was it a preference? Those are some of the key things
(21:52):
that you look for and I do in myself.
Am I picking out this one or twothings?
And that's the only thing that matters where I'm am I
considering the whole person as they are?
So how you tell preference from fetishism is it's a respect
versus objectification. Preferences are based on a
(22:16):
respectful appreciation of the whole person, while fetishism
objectifies and reduces the person to just their racial
traits. Stereotypes versus individuality
preferences do not rely on racial stereotypes, whereas
fetishism often does. A genuine interest versus an
(22:40):
obsession preferences involve genuine interest in someone's
culture, personality, life experience, while fetishism
involves an obsessive fixation on the racial characteristics
alone. Here's some scenarios that might
illustrate this point. So Person A says I enjoy
(23:03):
learning about Japanese culture and values, and I find myself
more compatible with Japanese partners because we share
similar interests and communication styles.
That's an example of a preference.
Person Two says I only date Japanese people because they're
all so polite and obedient. I love their skin and hair.
(23:25):
So you can see the difference. One is considering a whole
person, the other one is just picking out racial elements that
they've decided in their mind iswhat they want to fixate on.
In scenario one, person A shows a preference based on shared
values and interests, appreciating the individual
(23:46):
beyond the racial traits. In scenario two, person B
exhibits fetishism by relying onstereotypes and focusing solely
on racial characteristics. Understanding these differences
is crucial for fostering healthy, respectful
relationships in the context of interracial dating.
(24:08):
So, in conclusion, interracial dating, a preference involves a
genuine attraction to individuals of a certain race
based on personal experience, cultural connection, aesthetic
appeal without ever reducing them to just the racial traits.
It's rooted in respect and appreciation for the whole
(24:29):
person. Fetishism, on the other hand,
involves an obsessive focus on racial characteristics and
stereotypes, objectifying and dehumanizing individuals by
reducing them to just those traits.
Preference respects individuality and shared values.
(24:49):
Fetishism fix on on racial characteristics and stereotypes.
Understanding the distinction between those two things is
essential for fostering healthy and respectful interracial
relationships. So I wanted to share a bit of my
personal experience in this too.We live in a cuckold
relationship so I have lovers, my husband doesn't and both of
(25:13):
us are black only because of that's our preference.
But we have many many friends inthe lifestyle too.
And I've heard from more than one black men who feel
objectified by the couples that they have been with or just the
single women that they they feltlike they they were just used.
(25:37):
They were used because of their anatomy or used because of
whatever the person thought or whatever the person saw in porn
that week. And it's very dehumanizing.
It's very, very dehumanizing. Nobody wants that.
I have been fetishized before, you know, mostly in my younger
(25:57):
years. But you know, I have blonde hair
and big boobs. And there are men who have
fetishized me, you know, that I was some kind of, you know,
ornament or something that they would haul around.
They weren't. They didn't care about what I
thought about anything or whether I was intelligent or
articulate on any topic. They just wanted what they
(26:18):
wanted. And it feels terrible.
It feels terrible. It's very dehumanizing.
So I guess the point of doing this content is to help more
people be more self aware. All of us have preferences, but
humans are worth more than fetish fulfilment and nobody
(26:41):
owes you that. So check in with yourself, you
know, if you're obsessing about one thing or the other thing,
just make sure that you're considering the whole person,
not just their skin color or their eye color or their car.
Make sure that you're considering the whole person.
You'll have help, healthier relationships and you won't
(27:05):
dehumanize people and discouragepeople along the way.
That's it for now. Until next time, thanks for
tuning in.
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