Ep. 141 It's All News To Us

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, everybody, join us as we delve into our favorite
dark tales and paranormal mysteries.

Speaker 2 (00:06):
Venture with us beyond the safe places that exist in daylight.
As we go Beyond the Shadows, true crime, paranormal hauntings, UFOs,
cryptids and unsolved mysteries, conspiracy theories, past lives, reincarnation and
all the like are.

Speaker 1 (00:23):
Just a few of the topics that we will tackle.

Speaker 2 (00:25):
If it haunts your fucking dreams, then it will be
on our show.

Speaker 1 (00:36):
Do you know what the most in the world is?

Speaker 3 (00:42):
On the shutters where you found me at You can't
see me in the deepest blacks when your heart starbusts
and then you see their cracks, all these creepy things
that you why at track well, the demens be where
the actions act. So this enough you want it, UFOs,
all the ghosts. We got everything that you want.

Speaker 2 (00:56):
It won't do you know what the thing in the
world is?

Speaker 1 (01:08):
Hey everyone, Welcome back to Beyond the Shadows, Episode one
forty one bonus.

Speaker 2 (01:13):
Episode, Welcome Back Shadow Bastards.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
So yeah, we finally got a bonus episode coming out
for our Supporters Club. Everyone will be able to listen,
but you Supporter Club people you get this one for us,
finally doing something for you because we appreciate the hell
out of you.

Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah, well, we'll try to keep them coming. It gets
a little busy, but yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:32):
Yeah, we'll do what weekend to try to try to
get them out to you as much as possible.

Speaker 2 (01:36):
So we've gotten comments in the past that people really
enjoy the news segment part of our show, so we
figured we enjoy doing it, why not do an episode
that's just news.

Speaker 1 (01:45):
Right, Yeah, absolutely, so, yeah, this one. What's the name
of this one, Ryan, So.

Speaker 2 (01:50):
We're gonna call it it's all news to us. Now,
keep in mind, these are not all we try to
keep contemporary like brand new news in our in our episodes.
These ones are just good news stories from the past.
They are not breaking news.

Speaker 1 (02:01):
And I don't know what Ryan's got for stories, and
he doesn't know what I have, So it's different than
the way we normally do it. But so since it
is we are doing news stories, we're gonna start it
out a little different and where we usually the segment
where we usually do the news, we're just gonna do
some different headlines.

Speaker 2 (02:18):
So a lot of times the headline is the best
part of the story. Yes, it says everything you need
to know.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
So yeah, yeah, So we just went through looking for
some funny headlines from throughout time, so we may have
some of the same ones.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
We'll see. I get my pen ready to edit, IM
ready to go. So first up, we got girls' school
still offering something special. Head that's we've better than milk.
The way they wrote that, I'm pretty sure what they
meant was the head of the school was the one
saying that that's not the way it was written.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
Well, my first one sucks. Cow's lose their job as
milk prices drop.

Speaker 2 (03:00):
State population to double by twenty forty babies to blame.

Speaker 1 (03:04):
All right, I gotta cross I gotta cross that one off.
He moved that one up his list, I know it did,
okay from the Open University. This one's uh find the
bastard that shot down my chimney.

Speaker 2 (03:22):
I just like that word. Yeah, chat. Homicide victims rarely
talk to police.

Speaker 1 (03:32):
New York Times headless body and topless bar.

Speaker 2 (03:42):
One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.

Speaker 1 (03:50):
All right, Yeah, there's this one state population give herid
of that murderer, says detective. Ruined reputation.

Speaker 2 (04:04):
Waterford Boy eight saves sister's life, says I wouldn't do
it again. She's been a pain this week.

Speaker 1 (04:19):
World Bank says poor need more money.

Speaker 2 (04:24):
Thought I had that one by tone Miss Kansas outstanding
teen definitely doable.

Speaker 1 (04:39):
I must not dug far enough. Alright, Anti news best
man left bleeding after being hit in the head with
flying dildo.

Speaker 2 (04:53):
They know how to party. The corn spoils wake refuses
to stay dead.

Speaker 1 (05:00):
We did that story. I know that woman that wouldn't
die in the coffin for like ever. Ye, all right,
Miracle cure kills fifth patient. Woman falls in hospital, told
to call ambulance. Man accused of killing lawyer receives a

(05:25):
new attorney.

Speaker 2 (05:29):
Arizona psychic hit by car says he never saw it coming.

Speaker 1 (05:37):
Outdoor Magazine says breathing oxygen linked to staying alive.

Speaker 2 (05:43):
I gotta write that down. That's good.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
That's good.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
Teen Burglar kills Goldfish because he didn't want to leave
any witnesses.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
Dude, Lone Wolf's going to be pissed about this episode.
It's just giggling too much. This headline was just police
arrest everyone. On February twenty second, I.

Speaker 2 (06:13):
Remember eating that one soon, We hate math says four
and ten A majority of Americans.

Speaker 1 (06:23):
Thursday is canceled.

Speaker 2 (06:28):
Rally against apathy draws a small crowd.

Speaker 1 (06:36):
Most earthquake damage is caused by shaking.

Speaker 2 (06:43):
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age
twenty five.

Speaker 1 (06:54):
Safety meeting ends an accident.

Speaker 2 (06:59):
Woman missing, A woman missing since she got lost.

Speaker 1 (07:17):
It's so fucking dog Muddy Creek's problem. It's too muddy.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
Florida man claims he only drank at stoplights and not
while driving. Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs.
That's a headline. That's science. Police recalled to market Square
for a report about a suspicious coin. Investigating officer reported

(07:51):
it was a quarter.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
And my last is hospitals resort to hiring doctors.

Speaker 2 (08:03):
Porn star sues over rear end collision.

Speaker 1 (08:10):
That's week. This week's news headline. All right, let's see
I got for my first story. Maryland man disrupts two

(08:31):
Christmas Eve masses, pouring whiskey and holy water while hurling tangerines.
It's Christmas the tangerine toss standard, but in our family
it's always always a big event. Get your tangerines ready.
Thomas Campbell boiling fifty six was arrested and charged with

(08:54):
multiple offenses following a sacrilegious rampage on Tuesday, a man
was a resident Maryland after authorities said he caused disruptions
at two Christmas Eve masses, pouring whiskey into the holy
water and pelting worshipers with tangerines. Thomas was arrested and
charged with multiple offenses following his rampage. According to the

(09:18):
Saint Mary's County Sheriff's Office, he approached the altar and
dropped an onion on the aisle, disrupting the peace of
those attending Parishna followed as he exited the church to
ensure he was leaving the premises. However, as soon as

(09:38):
they were outside, he turned around and allegedly assaulted the
citizen by throwing tangerines at them. Later that night, during
midnight mass at Saint Francis Alexander Catholic Church, he disrupted
another service by pouring whiskey into the holy water and
threatening to harm parishioners. According to the lawsuit, as church

(10:02):
attendees escorted him from the building, he allegedly tempted, unsuccessfully
to strike several individuals with a whiskey bottle. He was
transported to MedStar Saint Mary's Hospital for medical evaluation. On Thursday,
police announced that he'd been charged with secondary assault, disorderly conduct,

(10:23):
disturbing the peace and threat of mass violence. Wow, that's
how you celebrate Christmas. The old just walks in throws
drops a fucking onion in the middle of.

Speaker 2 (10:36):
The he's bringing produce. That means he thought they're should out.
You don't just walk around with an onion in a
sack of tangerine.

Speaker 1 (10:42):
I mean you got a bag of tanger.

Speaker 2 (10:45):
You didn't bring yours.

Speaker 1 (10:46):
Got to get everybody's schiff face. Let's sports some fucking
alcohol in here.

Speaker 2 (10:49):
Guy wakes to party. February of nineteen sixty seven, a
resident of Munich, Germany named Helmet G. Winter was furious
about the constant noise and disruption the low flying military
aircraft were making over his house, so he did the
logical thing. He built a catapult. He began launching Bavarian
potato dumplings at the planes, and one week he launched

(11:13):
over one hundred and twenty of his projectiles at planes
flown by both the US Air Force and the West
German Luftwaff Lufwoff He didn't score any hits in battle,
but he did win the war as the flight paths
were altered so that they no longer disrupted his peace.

Speaker 1 (11:31):
Wow, they moved just because of him.

Speaker 2 (11:33):
He won.

Speaker 1 (11:34):
Wow, that's crazy. Attorney's pooh filled Pringles prank leads to suspension.
On November twenty nine, two thousand and three, Jack Blakesley,
a criminal defense attorney in Ohio, was suspended by the
Supreme Court for practicing law from practicing law for one

(11:56):
years with six months of suspension. State His crime tossin
a Pringle chips can full of his own fecis into
a parking lot of victim advocacy center and failing to
control his own bizarre impulses. On the morning of November thirtieth,
twenty twenty one, he Blakesley defecated into an empty Pringle

(12:21):
can and then left his home to attend a pre
trial hearing for his clients. This is a lawyer, dude no,
who was a defendant in a capital murder case. However,
as he drove past the Haven of Hope Victim Center
in Cambridge, Ohio, which he was scheduled to appear in
court opposite of him in the trial, Blakesley threw the

(12:42):
Pringle can into the parking lot before heading to the courthouse.
Carpenter Wilkinson, who worked for the advocacy center, saw the
incident and reported it to police. Surveillance video also confirmed
Blakesley using the advocacy center as a drop zone. He

(13:04):
claims that he was not targeting anyone in particular, but
rather he had thrown the feces filled can just to
blow off steam. He admitted that he had pulled the
Pringles prank at least ten times this year. Imagine the
look of surprise on the face of anyone who found
the cans. Yet, despite the claim of a poop rank,

(13:25):
the court felt that Blakesley's misconduct required a suspension. Unreal.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
Imagine that's the guy defending you with a capital murder,
capital murder.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
And not only is that's not like one time he
takes a shit in a Pringle can ten fucking times
ten times.

Speaker 2 (13:42):
So during that morning, he's not working on your defense,
He's taking a dump and a can. He's got his
mind on other stuff. It's more important, I thought. So.
This next story ran in the sult China Morning Post
on July twenty ninth, nineteen seventy four. It details the
story of is whale and fisherman Ramon Rivera Rodriguez, who

(14:03):
awoke in Caracas the day before to find his nostrils
stuffed with cotton. He sat up and looked around to
find he was in a room full of crying friends
and family members. Then he noticed he was in a coffin,
and he came to the realization that he was at
his own funeral. He suffered a heart attack and died
again his family. His family was seeking action against the

(14:26):
doctor who falsely determined that he was dead in the
first place, so he did actually die in his coffin
at his own funeral, right.

Speaker 1 (14:32):
From all the cotton they shoved up his nose.

Speaker 2 (14:35):
Wow, imagine the shock that's going to be your system
to realize that you're in a coffin at your own funeral.
No kidding, But it was convenient because his family and
friends were already gathered, so.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
There, saving time for everybody. Unconventional quest to satisfy hot
pocket craving. At approximately three thirty am on May police
were dispatched to a Wells Fargo bank in a neighborhood
in the southeast portion of San Diego, California, after burglar

(15:08):
alarm sounded. However, this was not your typical burglary, rather
that someone was looking for cash the alarm, the alarm
company told people told police that the surveillance cameras inside
the bank captured a man inside a brake room using
the microwave. When police arrived at the scene, they found
a broken window near the bank's drive through atm At

(15:31):
the time, the security company was able to confirm that
the suspect was still inside, so officers drew their guns
and used a megaphone to tell the man inside to
surrender and come out with his hands up. They were
warned the suspect excuse me. They then warned the suspect
that a CA nine would be sent in if he

(15:52):
did not surrender. After getting no response, the officers knocked
the bank's front door down and sent a CA nine
dog for entering the building to retrieve the suspect. Moments later,
officers were seen walking the man out of the bank,
holding his hands behind his back. The identified man later
told police that he was homeless and he broke it

(16:14):
into the bank to use the microwave and ate two
hot pockets while in his side. When the man was
asked if the hot pockets were worth it. He responded, hell, yeah,
it was worth it. Good for him, Yeah, he breaks
it to a bank just to heat up his own

(16:35):
hot pockets. They weren't even somebody else's.

Speaker 2 (16:38):
Did you happen unnoticeder right down like what he got sentenced?

Speaker 1 (16:41):
No, it didn't have it.

Speaker 2 (16:43):
Probably something rude hot pockets. It's a great advertisement for them.
Right On August second, nineteen eighty five, a story ran
in New Orleans when the body of thirty one year
old Jerome Moody was found at the bottom of the
deep end of a pool at the conclusion of a party.
Moody was fully dressed and had not been swimming at

(17:04):
the party. The ironic part of the story is what
the party was being held for. There were two hundred
people in attendance, half of which were lifeguards, and they
were celebrating the conclusion of the first season in history
without a single drowning it Oho. They were actually full
four lifeguards on duty at that very party, and none

(17:24):
of them saw Moody as he drowned. Resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful.
Imagine drowning at a party in a room full of
lifeguards that which four lifeguards were on duty. None of
them saw your drownd A them saved you.

Speaker 1 (17:37):
Unreal airplane forced to make U turn due to diarrhea incident.
The Delta Airline airbus eight three point fifty had set
out on time on the evening of September first, twenty
twenty three, from a flight from Atlanta, Georgia to Barcelona, Spain. However,

(17:59):
just slightly more than two hours after the plane's departure,
Delta Flight one ninety four was forced to turn to
Jackson Atlantic International Airport with three hundred and thirty six
passengers on board. While one might expect weather issues, fuel shortages,
or technical reasons for the turnaround, that was not the case. Unfortunately,

(18:24):
there was an onboard medical emergency causing a messy trail
of diarrhea left behind by a struggling passenger, which ultimately
created a biohazard situation. Maintenance crew spent the next five
hours cleaning the plane and had to replace the aisle
carpet ruined by the incident. After a lengthy eight hour delay,

(18:49):
passengers reportedly including the passengers in reportingly including the one
suffering from the diarrhea, were allowed to reboard and they
finally landed in Barcelona without further incident around five to
sixteen pm local time. That poor guy had to get
back on the plane and fly with.

Speaker 2 (19:11):
How embarrassing is that? Wait, this is the second week
in row we've covered somebody taking a dump on the plane,
but last week it was deliberate.

Speaker 1 (19:17):
Yeah, this one just had blowout all the way down
so bad that they had to remove the fucking carpet.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
Yeah, that's that's rough.

Speaker 1 (19:26):
Could you ever show your face back on that pl
Just leave me here, I leave me here to die.

Speaker 2 (19:32):
I'll take the next one.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
Back.

Speaker 2 (19:35):
In twenty twenty one, police in Clearwater, floor To pulled
over a car for driving with no lights at four
am on a Saturday. Thirty four year old Patrick Florence
was in the passenger seat. Police found a gun under
his seat. When they pulled Florence out of the car,
they found both cocaine and meth in his possession, but
he claimed he had no knowledge of the drugs and

(19:55):
insisted that they were not his, even though they were
found strapped around his dick. He had been literally like
taped and strapped around his dick, but they weren't his,
and he did not know that they were there. He
had been arrested twenty times previously for drug related offenses,
and those ones might have been legit, but goddamn it,

(20:16):
this time did not do.

Speaker 1 (20:18):
It all right. At approximately ten oh five am on
August thirtieth, twenty twenty three, officers in Norfolk, Nebraska would
dispatched on the call for a vehicle with a cow
inside rolling through the town. While police assumed the bovine
passenger would be a small calf that would actually fit

(20:40):
inside the vehicle, what they discovered was anything but small.
Officers located Lee Meyer riding down US two fifty seven
with his enormous two thousand, two hundred pound nine hundred
and ninety seven kilogram half longunghorn half wa this African

(21:03):
bull riding shotgun in a nineteen ninety six Ford Crown Victoria.
He had a two thy, two hundred fucking pound bull
riding in the passenger seat.

Speaker 2 (21:14):
That's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1 (21:15):
The car's roof on the passenger side had been removed
so the animal could fit, and there was a yellow
barrier on the side of the vehicle to keep the
bull inside. The bull, whose name is Howdy Duty, a
regular attraction at parades and fars throughout the state, and
the two were actually on their way to another small
town parade when they were stopped in Norfolk. Norfolk Police

(21:38):
Captain Chad Raymond stated that despite the sitable issues with
the situation, the officer wrote Meyer some warnings and asked
him to take Howdy duty back to the city of Nail.

Speaker 2 (21:57):
Back in May of twenty nineteen, Even Mills of Fort McMurray, Alberta,
brought his family to the Vermilion Heritage Museum. The museum
had in this possession a two thousand pounds safe that
had been donated by the Brunswick Hotel in the early
nineteen eighties. No one alive seemed to know the combination,
so the safe had never been opened at the museum

(22:18):
and they had no idea what was inside. Safecrackers had
tried and failed. The safe's manufacturers were also unsuccessful. Museum
volunteer Tom Kibblewhite was giving the family a tour when
they reached the safe, and then he then told them
its story. Mills jokingly put his ear down to the dial,
pretending to be a safecracker, turned the dial a few

(22:40):
times with some of his favorite lucky numbers of mind
and the door opened. There was nothing valuable inside some
old pay stubs and a waitress's order book from the
nineteen seventies, but experts determined the odds of someone correctly
guessing the combination in a single try to be one
in two hundred and sixteen thousand. Wow, I'd be buying

(23:02):
a fucking lottery. Take no shit, All right, this is
gonna be my last story. I know you got quite
a few lefts, so yeah, I do want you.

Speaker 1 (23:12):
Let's see. John shoot, the owner of the Philadelphia Bee Company,
relocates honeybees and bumblebees and will often use them to
make honey to sell in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania area. Aside from
relocating and honey production, Shump's company also freezes and studies
hornets and wasp. On September twenty first, twenty twenty three,

(23:36):
Trump had a job that entailed removing a large amount
of European hornets from a home in Malvern, Pennsylvania. While
on the job, Shump siphoned what he believed to be
approximately four hundred hornets, at least half of which were queens.
I don't didn't know that could happen into a shopback

(24:00):
with plans to freeze the insects the following morning. Schump
then drove home, but left the vacuum in the bed
of his truck because the bees were trying to make
their escape. However, sometimes between nine pm on September twenty
first and seven am on September twenty second, someone stole
the vacuum out of the bed of his truck, completely

(24:22):
unaware of what was inside. Even in the light of
the loss of the one hundred and ten dollars vacuum,
Shump went on to issue a warning to the thief
about the dangers of the vacuum's content and wrote a
post on Facebook stating, to the poor soul who lifted
the shot back out of the back of my truck,

(24:43):
I want to give you a heads up. The vacuum
was there because it's filled with European hornet queens, the
largest social stinging insect in the Eastern United States. I
performed the removal of their nest late yesterday afternoon. Those
girls should be full of life and extra spicy. I
anxiously await your unboxing video.

Speaker 2 (25:07):
For once Karma right right, Bitch Back. In twenty thirteen,
Howard Stern held a contest that was tied to the
movie Bad Grandpa, which he called get Your Grandpa laid.
Eighty six year old Johnny Orris was entered into the
contest by his forty nine year old grandson, Ed Orris.
Johnny had lived alone in Sullivan, Illinois for the previous

(25:28):
eleven years following the death of his wife. Johnny won
the contest and was rewarded an all expense paid trip
to Nevada with a grand prize would be a threesome
at the notorious Bunny Ranch. Both Orris boys went to
the brothel on a Thursday afternoon from meet and greet
where they flirted with forty girls.

Speaker 1 (25:46):
Hold on one second, a threesome like him. His grandpa
came and two girls. The grandpa was going to have
two girls. The grandson was just on the trip with him.
He wasn't going to be part of this.

Speaker 2 (25:55):
Okay, don't make it weird. I know, right, this is
a wholesome story, the rail wholesome story, and you go
make it weird. So both Ris boys went to the brothel,
and I already said that. So they flirted with forty
girls of the brothel. So they had plans to go
to dinner at Harvey's Lake Tahoe Resort before coming back

(26:16):
to the Bunny Ranch for Johnny's big night. He was
quote on cloud nine and anxious to get back to
the Bunny Ranch. Edward later state he told one of
the girls, I'm going to be back here at nine o'clock.
You'd better be ready. But Johnny would never make it back.
He was so anxious to get through his meal and
return for his three way with Caressa, kisses and rain

(26:37):
riches that he was only two bites into his prime
rib when he began to choke. The Heimlich maneuver proved unsuccessful,
and Johnny Orris died.

Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oh shit.

Speaker 2 (26:47):
Ed was said to be devastated, but not so devastated
that he didn't return to the Bunny Ranch in person
and collect on his grandfather's voucher.

Speaker 1 (27:01):
Wow, we can't let this go to waste.

Speaker 2 (27:03):
This is one time we could probably say that's what
he would have wanted it.

Speaker 1 (27:05):
It was acurate. His grandfather was looking, when does this
coupon expire? We can't just slit this go. Grandpa would never.

Speaker 2 (27:16):
Hey, Grandpa, proud slap that bomb. On April nineteenth, nineteen
ninety five, a man walked into a bank in Pittsburgh
in broad daylight. He was wearing no disguise of any
sort and standing only five foot six and weighing over
two hundred and seventy pounds. He stood out. Security cameras
picked up crystal clear images of him aiming a gun

(27:38):
at the teller and then making his way from the
bank with a large amount of stolen money. The man
ultimately robbed two banks in Pittsburgh that same day and
got away without incident. Police made sure the footage aired
on the eleven o'clock news that same night. Within only
a few minutes, police received several tips about the man's identity.
Shortly thereafter, police and m quareke's port showed up at

(28:01):
the door of MacArthur Wheeler. He was reportedly dumbfounded that
police had identified him, and he said incredulously, but I
wore the juice. He explained to police that he had
rubbed lemon juice on his face to make himself invisible
to any security cameras. He knew that lemon juice was
a was sometimes used in invisible ink, so it only

(28:22):
stands to reason that it would make humans invisible too.
Some solid logic that He informed them that he'd even
tested his theory out beforehand by covering himself in lemon
juice and taking a polaroid selfie, and sure enough, his
face did not show up in the photo. Perfect he
had friends like us man, he took a can you

(28:45):
guys see me? I can't see Holy shit word, Joe,
go do it. Police never figured out why he didn't
show up in his polaroid experiment, but it seems like
he was as bad of a photographer as he was
a bank robbers. And he did admit to them that
the lemon juice caused his eyes to sting and it
made it really hard to side. That's like a famous

(29:09):
quote now, but I wore the juice. Last story. Back
in December two thousand and seven, in New Haven, East Sussex,
a thirty one year old man was found dead on
his bed by his roommate. He was naked next to
three empty cans of nitrous oxide and he had a
condom pulled down over his head. Police theorized that he

(29:30):
had filled the condom with laughing gas and then pulled
it over his head for a quote sexual gratification. I
think he just got confused by the directions on them.
It says like pinch the tip and then rolled down
over the Headcated bragging all his friends. I've busted like

(29:52):
five of them this week.

Speaker 1 (29:54):
I can't get them halfway. I'm so girthy. Way to go.

Speaker 2 (30:01):
There's a lawsuit coming for that, the condom manufacturer. They're
going to be more specific. It has to be in
this fine print. Uh, that's it.

Speaker 1 (30:12):
Yeah, that's gonna wrap that one. Guys, We're not We
don't usually do fire pits on our bonus episodes, so
we do need those. So get those into us and
hopefully you enjoy this one.

Speaker 2 (30:24):
That's all news to us.

Speaker 1 (30:25):
And we will catch you in the next one.

Speaker 2 (30:27):
Letter. Guys,