Bible Stories for Atheists

David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.

We get some crazy propaganda. As always.

And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.

This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Than...

Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.

Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.

Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.

Ugh. Just fucking ugh.

W...

Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?

It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing. 

Finall...

Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah. 

 We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.

We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore...

We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". 

And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.

It turns out Saul had...

Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. 

This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.

We find out Jesus' prefer...

We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.

Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it awa...

We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.

David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folk...

David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?

Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. 

Good thing for Saul, when David...

BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!

See! I could have written headlines during bible times. 

Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly.

Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son...

We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath! 

God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a short, handsome king. And like an 80s New York real estate baron, he doesn't give a shit if there's overlap. Like maybe file for divorce BEFORE anointing the next one, right?

We also find a big narrative flaw when David is hired to play the lyre for Saul and ...

Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.

But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run ...

Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him? Ughhhhhh...

Saul pisses off the all powerful Lord by cooking meat without a license. Samuel pulled him over and cited him for sacrificing without bribing a priest. Thus our God of Love passes judgement like a coked out squirrel.

Saul's son, Jonathan, carries o...

I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times before. But in the words of esteemed Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!

Samuel begrudgingly tells everyone that since they have rejected God being their king, probably because nothing seemed to get done, that he's going to appoint a king for them. And luc...

In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies. And we start with a story of Israel not only losing to their enemies but having the Ark stolen from them...

So what was the point of the Ark again?

God gets real testy with the folks who steal the Ark. Of course, he could get the Ark back in all kinds of non-violen...

Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and shitty sons who steal meat. That's right, what other book could this be than 1 Samuel?

Samuel is the profit (sp?) that ends up appointing Saul to be king, realizing that was a fuck up and then appointing David, which works out completely fine with no issues at all. And this is starts his origin...

WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that.

We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. We talk about everything in this SEO-friendly bullet list:

• Leaving religion
• The Waco miniseries
• 7th Day Adventists
• A crazy Jehovah's Witness dream Jill had
• Trixie Mattel
• Pornhub
• Church abuse
• Sister Cindy
• Healing autism
• Blood transfusions
• And child marriage

Thank you to eve...

Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait.

We meet a certain Levite who turns out to be Moses' grandson. An ambitious young man who doesn't seem to be bothered by Micah breaking all the laws his grandfather came up with.

And when his concubine runs away he has a hell of a time bringing her home. There's...

Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice! 

We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do for the Lord. And the things the Lord lets us do for him despite being a loving, all knowing and all powerful Lord.

Our first Judge this episode is Jephthah. A guy that likes to make weirdly specific promises to God if he helps him kill his enemies.

Our second...