April 16, 2025 • 42 mins
Edgar chats with us about his second memoir: Alligator Tears. A darkly comic memoir-in-essays about the scam of the American Dream and doing whatever it takes to survive in the Sunshine State.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Hello and welcome to Big Gay Energy.
I'm Caitlin. And I'm Fiora.
Come along with us while we diveinto the fun and nuances of
queer media. Representation matters.
And we're here to talk about it.Cheers, queers.
Today on the big agenda, we are talking to Edgar Gomez, the
(00:27):
author of the new memoir Alligator Tears.
Welcome to the podcast, Edgar. Hi, thank you for having me.
I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, we're really excited to
talk to you today. Like, thank you for sending us a
copy of your latest memoir. We appreciate it for our
listeners at home who may not know what is your novel about?
And so it is a memoir, and it's called The Alligator Tears.
(00:50):
And it is about growing up in Florida, really poor in the
early 2000s, and really believing in the American Dream
and trying to claw my family outof poverty by basically any
means possible, only to gradually realize that the
American Dream doesn't always work out like we might want it
(01:14):
to, and trying to figure out what to do then.
Yeah. And what inspired you to write
this now? Yeah, so I, I've been wanting to
write about some of my experiences growing up poor in
Florida for a while now, just because I had these like, scenes
(01:38):
in my head, these moments in my life that I was like, I can't
believe that happened. Or I, I had so many questions
about stuff that had happened inmy childhood.
And so I know that I wanted to write about like that time that
my family lived in a motel. I knew that I wanted to write
about, you know, my father's struggles with addiction and how
(02:00):
that impacted my family, me and my mom and my brother.
But I, I sort of, I didn't know what I wanted the message of the
book to be. And so I was kind of sitting
around waiting for that. You know, I was like, I have
these moments I want to write about, but what what do I want
the book to say? Because I didn't just want to
(02:23):
write about being poor for like the sake of writing a
confessional, you know, I wantedto be able to offer something a
little bit useful to a reader. And basically, yeah.
In the in the pandemic, the start of the pandemic and I was
(02:43):
basically just seeing so many people in my community.
I was living in Queens at the time.
So many people around me who arebasically just being like
discarded by the government. And they were people that
reminded me of my family, of my mom, People who had basically
worked their whole lives believing in the American dream.
(03:05):
And the idea that if you just work really hard and, you know,
stay humble and don't make a fuss and don't complain, you're
going to be able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps
one day. But seeing so many people in my
community basically being marched, like, sent off to their
Duff, you know, I started questioning the American dream
(03:27):
and who benefits most from it, where, where that came from.
And I think that's when I sort of started figuring out what I
wanted the book to say. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, pandemic projects make
sense. It made us really reflect on
what have we been doing this whole time and just it made some
(03:49):
realities really stark and hard to like ignore when all the
hustle and bustle kind of like stopped.
Yeah, I mean, I you really also didn't have a choice.
Like where I was. I was in a tiny apartment just
like staring up at the ceiling everyday, reflecting, even if I
didn't want to be doing that. So yeah, I guess it it was a
(04:11):
pandemic project at first. Like what else are you going to
do? Did you?
Break bread, also in the pandemic.
No, you know, I didn't learn anything useful.
Like I didn't learn a language. I didn't learn how to make
sourdough. I was just really depressed.
And then I was like, I'm going to write a book.
(04:35):
Relatable. I just started doing edits on
YouTube. I was like something creative.
Please escape. Yeah, yeah, I I thought time I
was really depending on Drag Race.
I was like, I need like something to like beam
positivity at me. So one of the aspects I like
(04:59):
about the book is because you dohandle a lot of really, you
know, difficult topics and handle them really beautifully.
But also throughout the book, there's a good deal of humor,
Scrat scattered throughout the novel.
So how did you approach finding a balance between the gravity of
reality that you were talking about and like the levity of
comedy when you were putting thememoir together?
(05:19):
I feel like that balance is justlike the natural way of like
being of like, that's just what I know.
That's how my mom raised me. You know, whenever there's like
something dark or you know is happening or something tough is
happening, you can like laugh your way through it somehow.
(05:42):
And I think part of it might be because my mom just like has
dealt with a lot in her life. And when you've had a lot of, I
guess, really traumatic experiences, you, you're,
you're, I don't, I don't think you need to have traumatic
experiences to appreciate life. But I think, but I think that
(06:07):
was her case and I think a little bit my case as well,
where you kind of learn to just shrug off the little things and
learn to laugh at everything. And so that's just my, my
natural way of being. I don't know any other way to
be. I love that because like, even
if you're like, upset about something, we're like, yeah, but
(06:29):
at least I'm not there anymore. Like I've grown so much, and
like it could always be worse. Yeah, it could always be worse.
And sometimes, sometimes when like so many bad things are
happening, it just starts to feel so ridiculous and absurd.
(06:49):
It's like when you're having a really bad day and it's just
like a bad thing happens, a bad thing by the end of yours.
Like, you know, what else are you going to throw at me,
universe? And I think I'm just in that
mindset all the time now. Just like, OK, something
horrible. Cool, I guess material for the
next book. I mean, that is a good way to
(07:11):
look at it. It's like everything is
material. Well, I used to be like that a
little bit more. In fact, when I like first
started writing nonfiction, writing memoir, I was an
undergrad at UCF, University of Central Florida, shout out.
(07:33):
And I took this creative writingclass that was like intro to
creative writing. And it was you write 1 short
story, one poem and one personalessay.
And by the time like I wrote a poem and it was like, was bad.
I wrote a short story. It was like not good either.
(07:53):
And then it was time to write the personal essay.
And at this point in my life, I was like 22 years old, something
like that. And I had a lot of shame about
being queer. I had a lot of fear around
queerness. But there was this gay bath
house in Orlando that I really wanted to go to, but there was
(08:16):
just something holding me back from going there.
You know, I was like, I don't want to be that kind of gay
person who goes to a gay bath house.
But when I was in this class andthey're like, OK, time to write
a personal essay, I was like, OK, this is my opportunity to go
to the bath house and treat it like, you know, I'm an
(08:39):
investigative reporter. And I wrote about it and I
turned it into the to my workshop.
And I was super freaked out. I was like, Oh my God, like,
what are they going to think about me?
And they were really nice and supportive.
And I was like, I don't know. I was so blown away that I kept
writing after that. But all that to say that, yeah,
(09:00):
I, I used to be more like, yeah,I'll do anything for the plot.
Now that I'm older, I'm like, I'm too lazy for that.
And there's just, there's also just enough plot going around
and happening all the time. I'm overwhelmed by plot that I
don't need to go like find it. As you get older, yeah, like it
(09:21):
just comes to you. You're like hide.
Yeah, basically. And I'm also, like, done writing
memoir for a minute. This is my second memoir.
I'm like, so sick of myself. I'm not writing about myself,
you know, I want to write, you know, gaze in space or like
something, something. You know what?
(09:43):
Yes, please do that. OK.
That sounds awesome. Yeah, gave in space and there
will be no homophobia there because I'm so sick of writing
about homophobia too. That is fair.
We're all sick of homophobia. Yeah, yeah, In space, people are
(10:10):
are heterophobic. Yeah, that's.
Gonna. Be.
Yeah. Give me that novel.
Yeah, flip the script. Did you ever watch this movie?
It's like this old logo movie thing called like, if that's the
world, we're mine. We're the world.
Mine. We're the world.
Mine. Yeah.
It's so good. I love.
(10:30):
The I. Used to that movie.
Yeah. It's really.
But it's kind of that. Yeah.
I used to love all those, like, when I was, like, in high school
and, like, desperate for, like, gay content, just like the logo
movie of the week, you know, or like, whatever thing you could
find on YouTube typing and like,yeah, gay movie, yeah.
(10:57):
But back to your memoir, the wayyou write is very captivating
and I just kept wanting to read more and felt very engaged in
the book and your memoir. Each chapter is broken up into
smaller short stories. Why did you choose that format
for it? For a couple of different
reasons, I'll say one of the biggest ones is that, yeah, each
(11:23):
chap, it's a, it's a memoir and there's there's a story that you
follow throughout the whole book, but each chapter is like
it's own almost like an episode.And you're not necessarily going
to see like they're all like stand alone episodes that like
you're not necessarily going to see every character throughout
the whole book. And I'm kind of drawn to that
(11:44):
kind of writing because AI can get very bored writing a story
and I'm like, or, or just like might need a break writing a
story. And I'm like, I like to be able
to jump around. I like the idea of of books that
feel episodic in nature because you can read a a chapter, set it
(12:05):
down, pick it up a week later, read another one and it doesn't
feel like you have that pressureto like be through it right
away. And it also, I think gives me a
little bit of freedom to just really jump around with like,
OK, this story, all I really care about is this being a
really funny story. This story, you know, it's going
(12:25):
to be a little bit more romantic.
This story like I, I feel like Ican have like a ROM com.
I can have like a scary chapter.I can, I can really, like, play
an experiment with my voice and with tone a lot easier.
So yeah, I'm drawn to that kind of writing, yeah.
(12:50):
We can't hear you, sorry. I said it's like real life where
the tone changes constantly. Perfect for a memoir.
In your novel, one of the phrases you wrote that stuck
with me is you described povertyas quote, cartoonishly
inescapable, which that really stuck with me.
(13:12):
It's such a good descriptor, especially just living in
America. So in your experience, how did
this reality of like, poverty impact the pursuit of the
American dream? You mentioned it a little bit at
the beginning, but like that cartoonishly inescapable part
specifically. Yeah.
I mean, I think in that moment Iwas referencing how when I was
(13:34):
young, there was when I was I think in like middle school or
something. I remember being like asking my
mom, I was like, like, can we goto the library?
It's like like a sweet, innocentass.
And she was like, no, because I caught.
It's like I don't have the gas to get there and I was like,
wow, we like really are so poor that we can't even drive
(13:55):
somewhere free to get something for free.
I was like, that's why I was like this does feel cartoonish
at this point, but I I don't know how it like growing up for
doesn't impact basically everything about you.
I feel like I'm still in like, this like survival mindset where
(14:16):
I'm like, you know, I'm doing a lot better.
You know, I have a stable job. Everything is, like, cute at the
moment. But every now and then I'm like,
yeah, I can't. I like, I spent $50 today.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
I'm still in that like, survivalmode, but related to the
(14:37):
American dream. I think my American dream was,
yeah, you're going to work really hard and you're going to
do whatever you have to do to berich one day.
And rich for me represented having enough money that I could
(14:58):
basically get my mom a really nice house and, you know, pay
off all our like, medical debt and help out my community.
And I, I was working really hardto, to get there.
(15:20):
And I think because of growing up poor, I was just so focused
on that dream and on that pursuit that I didn't, I, I, I
didn't have the opportunity or the time really to stop and look
around at the systems around me that we're really making it
(15:42):
cartoonishly inescapable to escape poverty.
Because I think that if at any point I had looked at, I hadn't
like looked at any other of the other people in my community
who's like sort of footsteps I was following, like, for the
most part, nobody was getting this, you know, American Dream.
(16:03):
I really in my community, I was seeing a lot of people work
really, really hard. And in one way or another, they
were telling themselves, you know, I'm out, have time to stop
and rest and be happy later, either when I can retire or, you
know, oh, when I, you know, saveenough to go back to Nicaragua.
(16:27):
Or also on a spiritual level, you know, when I, you know, die,
I don't know, go to heaven and I'll, you know, have salvation
there. But I was just seeing a lot of
people postpone their happiness for later because of this
American dream that they believed in.
And I, I was really doing the same thing.
(16:48):
I was just working, working, working and hoping that one day
would lead somewhere. And it was until the pandemic
that, you know, it was like a break on everybody's life that I
had that time. And yeah, that's when I feel
like I started to, to wake up tothe scam of the American Dream.
(17:11):
And I started to ask myself, who's benefiting most from this
idea that we should all be working really hard and keeping
our heads low and not making a fuss?
Who's benefiting from that, right?
And it's it's definitely not anybody I know.
(17:34):
That's fair. Yeah, no.
I'm like bleak. No, it's.
True. No, no, you're.
You're being real. That is what's spot on.
It's exactly. And that's, that's a really good
thing about your book. I mean, because it's, it's your
own story. Like these are your experiences.
It's real. And it's people need to see how
(17:57):
other people grow up because noteveryone knows like your
community and like, it's just different experiences.
And I love that you chose to share that with everyone.
And to write this memoir and your previous one, you have to
do a lot of self reflection and live in the past a lot.
(18:18):
So did that and also like learn more.
I don't know if you've like wentaround asking people about like
what they remember to piece somestuff together, but what did you
learn about yourself or did anything part of your childhood
heal maybe? Yeah, I think, you know, that
(18:40):
was one of the I was having thislike existential crisis in the
in the pandemic again or at the beginning of it, because I was
writing my first book at that time.
And I was like I said, I was working so hard.
And in my mind I was like, your book is like the writing is the
(19:00):
one thing you're like talented at.
This is going to be your ticket out.
This is going to be the thing that finally makes you rich.
This before I realized how much writers get paid.
No, but I was having this like, kind of existential crisis where
I was like, you're spending so much of your life, of your
actual life, sitting down at a dusk writing about your life.
(19:26):
And there was kind of something like Earl Burrow, like snake
eating his own head about it. Where I was like, is this like,
is this like an OK thing to be doing?
Like this can't be OK. Like I, I need to be out having
a life. Like, why am I spending so much
of my life writing about my life?
That's doesn't seem like right. And the way that I sort of
(19:47):
resolved that crisis for myself was by asking, you know, am I
getting anything from this, evenif this never gets published,
Like, am I, is writing the storystill helping me in any way?
Am I growing? Am I learning anything?
And I think you can't help but learn something about yourself.
(20:09):
You're writing a memoir. You know, it's very easy to
start, You know, identifying patterns.
You know, you start. Really, you know, taking apart a
different relationships you had.I think though I write memoir,
(20:33):
I, my stories can sometimes reada little bit like fiction in
that, you know, I like scenes and dialogue and really putting
the reader in my shoes. And I, I've really learned a lot
from taking fiction classes. A lot of things that I've
(20:56):
applied to my nonfiction that has also helped me in my life.
For example, when I'm writing about other characters,
especially characters that maybedid something, you know, behave
badly towards me, I still want them to come across as realistic
on the page. I, I, I'm not out to like make
(21:19):
anybody look like a villain. And in that effort to to write
like a fully human character, I have to ask questions like, you
know, let's say I'm writing about my mom.
I have to ask myself, like, why was she acting that way?
You know, what was her motivation?
What were the stakes of like, why was this so urgent for her?
(21:44):
And through asking those questions of different
characters in my book, like, I also can't help but learn things
about my life. And there's no way that that
doesn't, you know, impact my relationships, you know, going
forward in one way. Like writing the both of these
books has been my attempt at, you know, also just healing my
(22:06):
relationships with my family because, yeah, both books deal
with my family and I've. And I've had to ask myself some
tough, tough questions about them.
And I've also had to speak with them, like you said.
And, you know, I, I never believe that, you know, getting
(22:29):
these answers, you know, figuring out why they behave
they did. I never believe that that
justifies their behavior. But it, it does give me valuable
context that kind of gives me a little bit of peace in a way,
because once I have like a reason why people are behaving
(22:50):
the way they are, at least that's sort of like there's a
rationality behind it. When I don't have that, it just
feels like chaos and just like, oh, everybody was just acting
wild for no reason like that. I don't want to live in that
world. Like, I at least there's a
little bit of order, even if theanswer kind of sucks, even if
(23:10):
the answer's like, oh, because they grew up in a homophobic,
you know, culture. I'm like, OK, well, at least I
have an answer. Yeah.
At least you know something. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. What, when you're writing this,
this particular memoir, was there a particular chapter or
(23:31):
scene that was emotionally difficult to write but felt
essential to include in the story?
Yes, yeah. The chapter that felt just most,
I guess, emotionally urgent is the titular chapter.
It's called Alligator Tears and it's about the Post nightclub
(23:53):
shooting in Orlando, which is something that I've written
about before and I wrote about it in my first book.
But in my first book, I I was trying to answer different
questions for myself back then. Back then I was just trying to
figure out, you know, why did this happen?
Why did a man step into Pulse and kill 49 predominantly Latin
(24:17):
X people on Latin night? And that is an example of like,
I really had to do a lot of research and I had to, you know,
try to figure out what his motivation was.
And that chapter focuses a lot on on the shooter.
This time around. I was like, I don't, I barely
(24:40):
want to talk about this man. Like, I want to focus on what it
was like to be at Pulse in community with the people who
were going there every Latin night.
I wanted it to be more of a celebratory chapter.
And I wanted to sort of capture what it was like for me to go to
(25:04):
polls at a time where I was struggling with a lot, a lot of
shame around being queer and just being welcomed and, and
feeling at home there. And so I sort of wanted to go
the complete opposite route. And that's why I, I felt very
urgent that like, I don't think I did a mistake with my first
(25:25):
book, but I felt like I did needto also celebrate that space and
remember it that way because there's already, there's so many
sad stories that I've also contributed to.
And I was like, right now I just, I just need to remember,
(25:46):
you know, being happy at this club, you know, dancing with
like some hot Puerto Rican dude.And I capture that a little bit
because I think people need thattoo.
Yeah, I will say that is the chapter that stuck with me the
(26:07):
most. Like, as a fellow queer that
grew up clubbing in Central Florida, I really, really
appreciated how you handled thatchapter about Pulse because it
was a safe haven for so many queer people at the time.
And I have a lot of fond memories of going to Pulse, so I
appreciate you describing it that way rather than the
(26:29):
tragedy, which is like what mostpeople would associate it with
that aren't in Orlando or like never really went to Pulse.
And then in the not in the in your book, you also mentioned
like other queer spaces at the time that existed in Orlando.
So in this, in the spirit of celebrating, I want to know
which of the Orlando gay bars was your favorite and why?
(26:51):
OK. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if you everwent to Parliament Health.
And so I would say both post andParliament were my favorite, but
for different reasons. Like yes, they're different,
Post very different. And.
They were post was like, you know, you.
It was a little bit cuter, a little more like stylized, like
(27:14):
kind of gave like a South Beach aesthetic.
Inside. They had like white couches and
it was a little bit more. I wouldn't say it was like posh
in any way, but compared to Parliament House, it was.
Parliament House was like, you know, everything in Orlando is a
(27:36):
theme park basically like like, like even going to McDonald's.
Like we have the world's largestMcDonald's, the world's largest
checkers. Like everything is like to the
extreme. And Parliament House is like
that in that it had a, it was, it used to be a resort for
straight people in like the 50s.And so it has like a private
(27:59):
beach and motels. And, you know, in an alternate
universe, this is like there'd be such a good like White Lotus
station at the Parliament House,right?
And it had like a theater, It had a restaurant, it had a gift
shop. It was like a whole thing and
but, but it was really known forbeing the messy bar.
(28:21):
Yes, and especially because it had motels attached.
And yeah, I, I, I always loved going there like on Christmas
because I like, I knew it would always be open and they would
always go out of their way to like, even though it was messy,
it was like yours family there. Like they would give out food.
(28:44):
You know, the, I, like I knew the drag Queens there also the
drag Queens there were some of the top drag Queens in the
country. We had a Sony glove who won drag
race, Jasmine, Barbie Royale whowon miss like international,
like only iconic performers there.
(29:06):
But Parliament is where I went the day, the morning after I
found out about the Post nightclub shooting.
And, and I went there because I knew it would be open.
And so there's something about just, you know, the fact that I,
I, I, I could always depend on on Parliament House, even if it
(29:26):
was really messy there, I alwaysknew that they would take me.
Yeah, that's a valid, very validsentiment.
And that's like all the bar are all the kind of gay clubs in
Orlando kind of had their own personality, like you're saying,
but like there was something about them that felt like home,
even though they were all messy in their own right.
Yeah, yeah, I miss Parliament. Yeah, it closed, but they're
(29:52):
reopening it, supposedly. They've been saying that it's
supposed to reopen downtown. And I think it's going to be a
new thing without, without all the feminists that made it what
it was. Yeah.
And Parliament House was also myfirst, I I think it was my first
gay bar that I like, ever went to.
Oh, wow. Because they had a big outdoor
(30:13):
courtyard that you could kind ofjust sneak into.
So I think I had those, like, war memories because of that,
too. Yeah.
OK, this conversation just showshow much that spaces like this
are needed because look how muchyou 2 just bonded over these
places and having it be dependable for you, especially
(30:37):
when your life was like so you don't really know what's going
to happen having that place where you know you can go and
you should be safe. Yeah, yeah.
And it's like, it was like, my, my cheers, you know, like that
TV shows like where everyone knows your name.
(30:58):
Yeah, I just gay bars in Floridaare just like a whole other, you
know, thing. And it's like especially chaotic
because drinks in Florida are socheap, at least compared to New
York. Like a drink in Florida is like
$3. I'm like, this is not going to
(31:21):
lead anywhere good. But you know, when you're in
Florida, when you're in Florida,you really need a strong, cheap
drink. Yeah, Oh my gosh.
OK, so we've been talking about how you've been spending a lot
of time going back to your childhood.
If you could go back in time andgive your past self a piece of
(31:43):
advice, what would it be? Oh, I feel like I'm on Drag Race
with that. Surprise.
And what would I say, you know, after writing both books that
heavily feature my mom as a character and both books have
(32:08):
have led to me having like very,I guess, a personal
conversations with my mom, very,you know, vulnerable
conversations with my mom and, you know, hearing about our
lives through her point of view and how she felt throughout some
(32:31):
of the most difficult moments ofmy life.
I think one thing that I would tell myself is that, you know,
there was a long period of time where I really did feel alone
and like I didn't have anybody that I could depend on.
And I will tell myself that, youknow, I though things with my
(32:52):
mom were a little bit tough. Every now and then.
I would tell myself that, you know, you did have somebody in
your corner. You know, she may not have been,
you know, behaving in the the ways that you you wanted, but
she did love you and she was rooting for you and she was
trying really hard. And, you know, just like you
(33:15):
yourself were figuring out this gay thing and what it means and
how to, like, navigate it, she was doing the same thing for
herself. And I get it doesn't justify
anything. But yeah, I, I would just remind
(33:38):
myself that that that I wasn't alone and that I did have
somebody in my side. I don't know if I would have
been brave enough back then because I was just so ashamed
about so many queer things that I, like, really put a wah
between US. And I was like, really afraid to
talk to her about, like, anything.
And I think it would have been really beautiful and maybe maybe
(34:01):
in a corny way, but it would have been beautiful if we had
been able to figure things out together instead of, you know,
figuring it out on our own and, you know, having to find our way
back to each other. Yeah.
Yeah, that that would definitelybe nice.
And it's, but it's like so hard for children and parents growing
(34:22):
up, so like, see each other's side because, I mean, the kid
doesn't have the experience of an adult.
And then the adult, like you're so far removed from being a
child that you forget what it's like to really learn the world
for the first time. Yeah, yeah.
And even, like, outside of, you know, queerness, when you're a
(34:43):
teenager, like teenagers and parents, you're just like,
there's always going to be, you know, something to fight about.
You're always going to be like, you don't understand for some
reason. So this is just a fantasy.
You know, in my fantasy, we would have been having
beautiful, honest conversations with each other throughout my
(35:04):
teenage years. But nobody is really doing that
with their parent at that age. Nobody that I knew, anyway.
That's what all therapists hope happens.
Exactly. And you know, I even I had, I
had like one or two friends who were queer and their parents
were queer and even they have their queer trauma related to,
(35:29):
you know, so even if your parents are gay, there's still,
it's going to be some drama. No one's exempt from that.
No. And drama's good.
It's, you know, material. It's.
Material and helps you learn valuable life lessons.
(35:51):
You know, I, I, I really don't try to see life that way because
I want to believe that I'm living like an authentic life
where I'm not just like, Hey, there's like a, like a, I don't
know, like artificialness to, I'm going to do stuff for the
story, you know, but there is like a little bit of, I don't
(36:16):
know, maybe relief or like a silver lining to now that I am a
memoirist and I know that, you know, whatever I'm going
through, I will probably write about it someday when something
really bad happens. Like the one silver lining is
that like, OK, well, at least, you know, you might, you have
(36:37):
material for, for the book. So, you know, I try not to see
life that way, but it it is likethe one consolation prize for
trauma happening. I mean, if it helps you get
through something. Yeah.
At least that that's. Positive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I think it helps a little bit.
(37:02):
In your memoir, you write to be the main character was to
matter. Why do you think representation
in media is important? You know, I think representation
is important because it, it sortof helps show you what's
(37:26):
possible. I think I'm, maybe I'm like a
visual learner and like, I need to see somebody doing it to know
that it is possible for me. And you know, I didn't, I, I
don't feel like I had a lot of, you know, queer Latin X models
(37:49):
of success. You know, I had a lot of models
of, you know, if you grow up queer, you're probably going to
die and bad things are going to happen to you and you're going
to get gay bashed and it's goingto be sad.
And then Lifetime will make a movie about you and I'm.
(38:11):
So sorry, I'm trying not to laugh at that.
But that's like what that was like my, those were my role
models. You know, when I like saw myself
represented, it was like stuff like that.
And I, I think I really needed models of, you know, I would
love to be a model of success and like, you can make it.
(38:36):
I think it's a little bit more complicated.
I think I'm more of a model of you can make it past trauma and
still have a, you might not be rich, but you still have a rich
life and a fulfilling life and being community and have love
and, you know, do things that you're passionate about.
(38:56):
But I think I, I needed to see somebody model that for me.
And so I'm hoping that, you know, I don't think the, the
book is going to let I, I, I definitely don't think of it as
like a, how to guide or a like, follow these steps to success.
(39:16):
But I, I, I do hope that, you know, at least if it were me
when I was, you know, a teenager, if I picked up this
book, it would give me a little bit of hope, knowing that look,
knowing that, like, you know, things don't always work out
perfectly, but they're going to work out one way or another.
And I think that's something that I needed to hear, Yeah.
(39:39):
I think that's something a lot of people need.
To hear. Especially in the times we're
going through so. Yeah.
And it's kind of like that thinglike with the, you know, the
times that we're going through of it all.
Like it does kind of give me a little bit hope looking back and
saying like, oh, everything is alittle bit cyclical.
(39:59):
We have had, you know, really dark historical moments like
this in the past. And you know, I was going to
say, you know, but we made it through.
But not everybody makes it through.
So. So I don't know what my
inspirational message there is. Not you don't always need one.
(40:24):
Sometimes it's just like, you know, just keep.
Swimming. Just keep swimming.
And that actually, that is kind of the message that my book ends
on. Like, quite literally, it's just
just keep swimming. I never.
Yeah. Oh my God, I love that you just
said that. That really helps me understand
my book a little bit more. Just keep swimming.
(40:49):
Alternate title, yeah. Well, we're glad we could bring
you that here today. Thank you for coming to talk to
us. I really appreciate it.
Those are all the questions we have for you.
Thank you. Again, For those at home that
haven't read it, go pick up a copy of Alligator Tears.
If people want to stay connectedwith you or follow you, how can
they do that? Just I'm on social media.
(41:14):
Otro Edgar Gomez. Yeah, that's where I'm at.
I'm only on Instagram right now.All the apps are, you know,
overwhelmed, you know, Yeah. All right, so go follow Edgar on
Instagram. Thank you again.
And until next time, hydrate forlesbian Jesus.
And get up all over the place. Bye.
(41:38):
And with that, we've been big gay energy.
Thank you for listening. We'd really appreciate it if you
downloaded this episode and leftus a review.
No matter how brief, your contribution will help us reach
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about everything and anything. You can find us on all social
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(41:58):
biggayenergypod@gmail.com. Join our Discord server to
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(42:19):
Until next time, hydrate for lesbian Jesus.
And get it up all over the place.
Hello and welcome to Big Gay Energy.
I'm Caitlin. And I'm Fiora.
Come along with us while we diveinto the fun and nuances of
queer media. Representation matters.
And we're here to talk about it.Cheers, queers.
Today on the big agenda, we are talking to Edgar Gomez, the
(00:27):
author of the new memoir Alligator Tears.
Welcome to the podcast, Edgar. Hi, thank you for having me.
I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, we're really excited to
talk to you today. Like, thank you for sending us a
copy of your latest memoir. We appreciate it for our
listeners at home who may not know what is your novel about?
And so it is a memoir, and it's called The Alligator Tears.
(00:50):
And it is about growing up in Florida, really poor in the
early 2000s, and really believing in the American Dream
and trying to claw my family outof poverty by basically any
means possible, only to gradually realize that the
American Dream doesn't always work out like we might want it
(01:14):
to, and trying to figure out what to do then.
Yeah. And what inspired you to write
this now? Yeah, so I, I've been wanting to
write about some of my experiences growing up poor in
Florida for a while now, just because I had these like, scenes
(01:38):
in my head, these moments in my life that I was like, I can't
believe that happened. Or I, I had so many questions
about stuff that had happened inmy childhood.
And so I know that I wanted to write about like that time that
my family lived in a motel. I knew that I wanted to write
about, you know, my father's struggles with addiction and how
(02:00):
that impacted my family, me and my mom and my brother.
But I, I sort of, I didn't know what I wanted the message of the
book to be. And so I was kind of sitting
around waiting for that. You know, I was like, I have
these moments I want to write about, but what what do I want
the book to say? Because I didn't just want to
(02:23):
write about being poor for like the sake of writing a
confessional, you know, I wantedto be able to offer something a
little bit useful to a reader. And basically, yeah.
In the in the pandemic, the start of the pandemic and I was
(02:43):
basically just seeing so many people in my community.
I was living in Queens at the time.
So many people around me who arebasically just being like
discarded by the government. And they were people that
reminded me of my family, of my mom, People who had basically
worked their whole lives believing in the American dream.
(03:05):
And the idea that if you just work really hard and, you know,
stay humble and don't make a fuss and don't complain, you're
going to be able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps
one day. But seeing so many people in my
community basically being marched, like, sent off to their
Duff, you know, I started questioning the American dream
(03:27):
and who benefits most from it, where, where that came from.
And I think that's when I sort of started figuring out what I
wanted the book to say. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, pandemic projects make
sense. It made us really reflect on
what have we been doing this whole time and just it made some
(03:49):
realities really stark and hard to like ignore when all the
hustle and bustle kind of like stopped.
Yeah, I mean, I you really also didn't have a choice.
Like where I was. I was in a tiny apartment just
like staring up at the ceiling everyday, reflecting, even if I
didn't want to be doing that. So yeah, I guess it it was a
(04:11):
pandemic project at first. Like what else are you going to
do? Did you?
Break bread, also in the pandemic.
No, you know, I didn't learn anything useful.
Like I didn't learn a language. I didn't learn how to make
sourdough. I was just really depressed.
And then I was like, I'm going to write a book.
(04:35):
Relatable. I just started doing edits on
YouTube. I was like something creative.
Please escape. Yeah, yeah, I I thought time I
was really depending on Drag Race.
I was like, I need like something to like beam
positivity at me. So one of the aspects I like
(04:59):
about the book is because you dohandle a lot of really, you
know, difficult topics and handle them really beautifully.
But also throughout the book, there's a good deal of humor,
Scrat scattered throughout the novel.
So how did you approach finding a balance between the gravity of
reality that you were talking about and like the levity of
comedy when you were putting thememoir together?
(05:19):
I feel like that balance is justlike the natural way of like
being of like, that's just what I know.
That's how my mom raised me. You know, whenever there's like
something dark or you know is happening or something tough is
happening, you can like laugh your way through it somehow.
(05:42):
And I think part of it might be because my mom just like has
dealt with a lot in her life. And when you've had a lot of, I
guess, really traumatic experiences, you, you're,
you're, I don't, I don't think you need to have traumatic
experiences to appreciate life. But I think, but I think that
(06:07):
was her case and I think a little bit my case as well,
where you kind of learn to just shrug off the little things and
learn to laugh at everything. And so that's just my, my
natural way of being. I don't know any other way to
be. I love that because like, even
if you're like, upset about something, we're like, yeah, but
(06:29):
at least I'm not there anymore. Like I've grown so much, and
like it could always be worse. Yeah, it could always be worse.
And sometimes, sometimes when like so many bad things are
happening, it just starts to feel so ridiculous and absurd.
(06:49):
It's like when you're having a really bad day and it's just
like a bad thing happens, a bad thing by the end of yours.
Like, you know, what else are you going to throw at me,
universe? And I think I'm just in that
mindset all the time now. Just like, OK, something
horrible. Cool, I guess material for the
next book. I mean, that is a good way to
(07:11):
look at it. It's like everything is
material. Well, I used to be like that a
little bit more. In fact, when I like first
started writing nonfiction, writing memoir, I was an
undergrad at UCF, University of Central Florida, shout out.
(07:33):
And I took this creative writingclass that was like intro to
creative writing. And it was you write 1 short
story, one poem and one personalessay.
And by the time like I wrote a poem and it was like, was bad.
I wrote a short story. It was like not good either.
(07:53):
And then it was time to write the personal essay.
And at this point in my life, I was like 22 years old, something
like that. And I had a lot of shame about
being queer. I had a lot of fear around
queerness. But there was this gay bath
house in Orlando that I really wanted to go to, but there was
(08:16):
just something holding me back from going there.
You know, I was like, I don't want to be that kind of gay
person who goes to a gay bath house.
But when I was in this class andthey're like, OK, time to write
a personal essay, I was like, OK, this is my opportunity to go
to the bath house and treat it like, you know, I'm an
(08:39):
investigative reporter. And I wrote about it and I
turned it into the to my workshop.
And I was super freaked out. I was like, Oh my God, like,
what are they going to think about me?
And they were really nice and supportive.
And I was like, I don't know. I was so blown away that I kept
writing after that. But all that to say that, yeah,
(09:00):
I, I used to be more like, yeah,I'll do anything for the plot.
Now that I'm older, I'm like, I'm too lazy for that.
And there's just, there's also just enough plot going around
and happening all the time. I'm overwhelmed by plot that I
don't need to go like find it. As you get older, yeah, like it
(09:21):
just comes to you. You're like hide.
Yeah, basically. And I'm also, like, done writing
memoir for a minute. This is my second memoir.
I'm like, so sick of myself. I'm not writing about myself,
you know, I want to write, you know, gaze in space or like
something, something. You know what?
(09:43):
Yes, please do that. OK.
That sounds awesome. Yeah, gave in space and there
will be no homophobia there because I'm so sick of writing
about homophobia too. That is fair.
We're all sick of homophobia. Yeah, yeah, In space, people are
(10:10):
are heterophobic. Yeah, that's.
Gonna. Be.
Yeah. Give me that novel.
Yeah, flip the script. Did you ever watch this movie?
It's like this old logo movie thing called like, if that's the
world, we're mine. We're the world.
Mine. We're the world.
Mine. Yeah.
It's so good. I love.
(10:30):
The I. Used to that movie.
Yeah. It's really.
But it's kind of that. Yeah.
I used to love all those, like, when I was, like, in high school
and, like, desperate for, like, gay content, just like the logo
movie of the week, you know, or like, whatever thing you could
find on YouTube typing and like,yeah, gay movie, yeah.
(10:57):
But back to your memoir, the wayyou write is very captivating
and I just kept wanting to read more and felt very engaged in
the book and your memoir. Each chapter is broken up into
smaller short stories. Why did you choose that format
for it? For a couple of different
reasons, I'll say one of the biggest ones is that, yeah, each
(11:23):
chap, it's a, it's a memoir and there's there's a story that you
follow throughout the whole book, but each chapter is like
it's own almost like an episode.And you're not necessarily going
to see like they're all like stand alone episodes that like
you're not necessarily going to see every character throughout
the whole book. And I'm kind of drawn to that
(11:44):
kind of writing because AI can get very bored writing a story
and I'm like, or, or just like might need a break writing a
story. And I'm like, I like to be able
to jump around. I like the idea of of books that
feel episodic in nature because you can read a a chapter, set it
(12:05):
down, pick it up a week later, read another one and it doesn't
feel like you have that pressureto like be through it right
away. And it also, I think gives me a
little bit of freedom to just really jump around with like,
OK, this story, all I really care about is this being a
really funny story. This story, you know, it's going
(12:25):
to be a little bit more romantic.
This story like I, I feel like Ican have like a ROM com.
I can have like a scary chapter.I can, I can really, like, play
an experiment with my voice and with tone a lot easier.
So yeah, I'm drawn to that kind of writing, yeah.
(12:50):
We can't hear you, sorry. I said it's like real life where
the tone changes constantly. Perfect for a memoir.
In your novel, one of the phrases you wrote that stuck
with me is you described povertyas quote, cartoonishly
inescapable, which that really stuck with me.
(13:12):
It's such a good descriptor, especially just living in
America. So in your experience, how did
this reality of like, poverty impact the pursuit of the
American dream? You mentioned it a little bit at
the beginning, but like that cartoonishly inescapable part
specifically. Yeah.
I mean, I think in that moment Iwas referencing how when I was
(13:34):
young, there was when I was I think in like middle school or
something. I remember being like asking my
mom, I was like, like, can we goto the library?
It's like like a sweet, innocentass.
And she was like, no, because I caught.
It's like I don't have the gas to get there and I was like,
wow, we like really are so poor that we can't even drive
(13:55):
somewhere free to get something for free.
I was like, that's why I was like this does feel cartoonish
at this point, but I I don't know how it like growing up for
doesn't impact basically everything about you.
I feel like I'm still in like, this like survival mindset where
(14:16):
I'm like, you know, I'm doing a lot better.
You know, I have a stable job. Everything is, like, cute at the
moment. But every now and then I'm like,
yeah, I can't. I like, I spent $50 today.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
I'm still in that like, survivalmode, but related to the
(14:37):
American dream. I think my American dream was,
yeah, you're going to work really hard and you're going to
do whatever you have to do to berich one day.
And rich for me represented having enough money that I could
(14:58):
basically get my mom a really nice house and, you know, pay
off all our like, medical debt and help out my community.
And I, I was working really hardto, to get there.
(15:20):
And I think because of growing up poor, I was just so focused
on that dream and on that pursuit that I didn't, I, I, I
didn't have the opportunity or the time really to stop and look
around at the systems around me that we're really making it
(15:42):
cartoonishly inescapable to escape poverty.
Because I think that if at any point I had looked at, I hadn't
like looked at any other of the other people in my community
who's like sort of footsteps I was following, like, for the
most part, nobody was getting this, you know, American Dream.
(16:03):
I really in my community, I was seeing a lot of people work
really, really hard. And in one way or another, they
were telling themselves, you know, I'm out, have time to stop
and rest and be happy later, either when I can retire or, you
know, oh, when I, you know, saveenough to go back to Nicaragua.
(16:27):
Or also on a spiritual level, you know, when I, you know, die,
I don't know, go to heaven and I'll, you know, have salvation
there. But I was just seeing a lot of
people postpone their happiness for later because of this
American dream that they believed in.
And I, I was really doing the same thing.
(16:48):
I was just working, working, working and hoping that one day
would lead somewhere. And it was until the pandemic
that, you know, it was like a break on everybody's life that I
had that time. And yeah, that's when I feel
like I started to, to wake up tothe scam of the American Dream.
(17:11):
And I started to ask myself, who's benefiting most from this
idea that we should all be working really hard and keeping
our heads low and not making a fuss?
Who's benefiting from that, right?
And it's it's definitely not anybody I know.
(17:34):
That's fair. Yeah, no.
I'm like bleak. No, it's.
True. No, no, you're.
You're being real. That is what's spot on.
It's exactly. And that's, that's a really good
thing about your book. I mean, because it's, it's your
own story. Like these are your experiences.
It's real. And it's people need to see how
(17:57):
other people grow up because noteveryone knows like your
community and like, it's just different experiences.
And I love that you chose to share that with everyone.
And to write this memoir and your previous one, you have to
do a lot of self reflection and live in the past a lot.
(18:18):
So did that and also like learn more.
I don't know if you've like wentaround asking people about like
what they remember to piece somestuff together, but what did you
learn about yourself or did anything part of your childhood
heal maybe? Yeah, I think, you know, that
(18:40):
was one of the I was having thislike existential crisis in the
in the pandemic again or at the beginning of it, because I was
writing my first book at that time.
And I was like I said, I was working so hard.
And in my mind I was like, your book is like the writing is the
(19:00):
one thing you're like talented at.
This is going to be your ticket out.
This is going to be the thing that finally makes you rich.
This before I realized how much writers get paid.
No, but I was having this like, kind of existential crisis where
I was like, you're spending so much of your life, of your
actual life, sitting down at a dusk writing about your life.
(19:26):
And there was kind of something like Earl Burrow, like snake
eating his own head about it. Where I was like, is this like,
is this like an OK thing to be doing?
Like this can't be OK. Like I, I need to be out having
a life. Like, why am I spending so much
of my life writing about my life?
That's doesn't seem like right. And the way that I sort of
(19:47):
resolved that crisis for myself was by asking, you know, am I
getting anything from this, evenif this never gets published,
Like, am I, is writing the storystill helping me in any way?
Am I growing? Am I learning anything?
And I think you can't help but learn something about yourself.
(20:09):
You're writing a memoir. You know, it's very easy to
start, You know, identifying patterns.
You know, you start. Really, you know, taking apart a
different relationships you had.I think though I write memoir,
(20:33):
I, my stories can sometimes reada little bit like fiction in
that, you know, I like scenes and dialogue and really putting
the reader in my shoes. And I, I've really learned a lot
from taking fiction classes. A lot of things that I've
(20:56):
applied to my nonfiction that has also helped me in my life.
For example, when I'm writing about other characters,
especially characters that maybedid something, you know, behave
badly towards me, I still want them to come across as realistic
on the page. I, I, I'm not out to like make
(21:19):
anybody look like a villain. And in that effort to to write
like a fully human character, I have to ask questions like, you
know, let's say I'm writing about my mom.
I have to ask myself, like, why was she acting that way?
You know, what was her motivation?
What were the stakes of like, why was this so urgent for her?
(21:44):
And through asking those questions of different
characters in my book, like, I also can't help but learn things
about my life. And there's no way that that
doesn't, you know, impact my relationships, you know, going
forward in one way. Like writing the both of these
books has been my attempt at, you know, also just healing my
(22:06):
relationships with my family because, yeah, both books deal
with my family and I've. And I've had to ask myself some
tough, tough questions about them.
And I've also had to speak with them, like you said.
And, you know, I, I never believe that, you know, getting
(22:29):
these answers, you know, figuring out why they behave
they did. I never believe that that
justifies their behavior. But it, it does give me valuable
context that kind of gives me a little bit of peace in a way,
because once I have like a reason why people are behaving
(22:50):
the way they are, at least that's sort of like there's a
rationality behind it. When I don't have that, it just
feels like chaos and just like, oh, everybody was just acting
wild for no reason like that. I don't want to live in that
world. Like, I at least there's a
little bit of order, even if theanswer kind of sucks, even if
(23:10):
the answer's like, oh, because they grew up in a homophobic,
you know, culture. I'm like, OK, well, at least I
have an answer. Yeah.
At least you know something. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. What, when you're writing this,
this particular memoir, was there a particular chapter or
(23:31):
scene that was emotionally difficult to write but felt
essential to include in the story?
Yes, yeah. The chapter that felt just most,
I guess, emotionally urgent is the titular chapter.
It's called Alligator Tears and it's about the Post nightclub
(23:53):
shooting in Orlando, which is something that I've written
about before and I wrote about it in my first book.
But in my first book, I I was trying to answer different
questions for myself back then. Back then I was just trying to
figure out, you know, why did this happen?
Why did a man step into Pulse and kill 49 predominantly Latin
(24:17):
X people on Latin night? And that is an example of like,
I really had to do a lot of research and I had to, you know,
try to figure out what his motivation was.
And that chapter focuses a lot on on the shooter.
This time around. I was like, I don't, I barely
(24:40):
want to talk about this man. Like, I want to focus on what it
was like to be at Pulse in community with the people who
were going there every Latin night.
I wanted it to be more of a celebratory chapter.
And I wanted to sort of capture what it was like for me to go to
(25:04):
polls at a time where I was struggling with a lot, a lot of
shame around being queer and just being welcomed and, and
feeling at home there. And so I sort of wanted to go
the complete opposite route. And that's why I, I felt very
urgent that like, I don't think I did a mistake with my first
(25:25):
book, but I felt like I did needto also celebrate that space and
remember it that way because there's already, there's so many
sad stories that I've also contributed to.
And I was like, right now I just, I just need to remember,
(25:46):
you know, being happy at this club, you know, dancing with
like some hot Puerto Rican dude.And I capture that a little bit
because I think people need thattoo.
Yeah, I will say that is the chapter that stuck with me the
(26:07):
most. Like, as a fellow queer that
grew up clubbing in Central Florida, I really, really
appreciated how you handled thatchapter about Pulse because it
was a safe haven for so many queer people at the time.
And I have a lot of fond memories of going to Pulse, so I
appreciate you describing it that way rather than the
(26:29):
tragedy, which is like what mostpeople would associate it with
that aren't in Orlando or like never really went to Pulse.
And then in the not in the in your book, you also mentioned
like other queer spaces at the time that existed in Orlando.
So in this, in the spirit of celebrating, I want to know
which of the Orlando gay bars was your favorite and why?
(26:51):
OK. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if you everwent to Parliament Health.
And so I would say both post andParliament were my favorite, but
for different reasons. Like yes, they're different,
Post very different. And.
They were post was like, you know, you.
It was a little bit cuter, a little more like stylized, like
(27:14):
kind of gave like a South Beach aesthetic.
Inside. They had like white couches and
it was a little bit more. I wouldn't say it was like posh
in any way, but compared to Parliament House, it was.
Parliament House was like, you know, everything in Orlando is a
(27:36):
theme park basically like like, like even going to McDonald's.
Like we have the world's largestMcDonald's, the world's largest
checkers. Like everything is like to the
extreme. And Parliament House is like
that in that it had a, it was, it used to be a resort for
straight people in like the 50s.And so it has like a private
(27:59):
beach and motels. And, you know, in an alternate
universe, this is like there'd be such a good like White Lotus
station at the Parliament House,right?
And it had like a theater, It had a restaurant, it had a gift
shop. It was like a whole thing and
but, but it was really known forbeing the messy bar.
(28:21):
Yes, and especially because it had motels attached.
And yeah, I, I, I always loved going there like on Christmas
because I like, I knew it would always be open and they would
always go out of their way to like, even though it was messy,
it was like yours family there. Like they would give out food.
(28:44):
You know, the, I, like I knew the drag Queens there also the
drag Queens there were some of the top drag Queens in the
country. We had a Sony glove who won drag
race, Jasmine, Barbie Royale whowon miss like international,
like only iconic performers there.
(29:06):
But Parliament is where I went the day, the morning after I
found out about the Post nightclub shooting.
And, and I went there because I knew it would be open.
And so there's something about just, you know, the fact that I,
I, I, I could always depend on on Parliament House, even if it
(29:26):
was really messy there, I alwaysknew that they would take me.
Yeah, that's a valid, very validsentiment.
And that's like all the bar are all the kind of gay clubs in
Orlando kind of had their own personality, like you're saying,
but like there was something about them that felt like home,
even though they were all messy in their own right.
Yeah, yeah, I miss Parliament. Yeah, it closed, but they're
(29:52):
reopening it, supposedly. They've been saying that it's
supposed to reopen downtown. And I think it's going to be a
new thing without, without all the feminists that made it what
it was. Yeah.
And Parliament House was also myfirst, I I think it was my first
gay bar that I like, ever went to.
Oh, wow. Because they had a big outdoor
(30:13):
courtyard that you could kind ofjust sneak into.
So I think I had those, like, war memories because of that,
too. Yeah.
OK, this conversation just showshow much that spaces like this
are needed because look how muchyou 2 just bonded over these
places and having it be dependable for you, especially
(30:37):
when your life was like so you don't really know what's going
to happen having that place where you know you can go and
you should be safe. Yeah, yeah.
And it's like, it was like, my, my cheers, you know, like that
TV shows like where everyone knows your name.
(30:58):
Yeah, I just gay bars in Floridaare just like a whole other, you
know, thing. And it's like especially chaotic
because drinks in Florida are socheap, at least compared to New
York. Like a drink in Florida is like
$3. I'm like, this is not going to
(31:21):
lead anywhere good. But you know, when you're in
Florida, when you're in Florida,you really need a strong, cheap
drink. Yeah, Oh my gosh.
OK, so we've been talking about how you've been spending a lot
of time going back to your childhood.
If you could go back in time andgive your past self a piece of
(31:43):
advice, what would it be? Oh, I feel like I'm on Drag Race
with that. Surprise.
And what would I say, you know, after writing both books that
heavily feature my mom as a character and both books have
(32:08):
have led to me having like very,I guess, a personal
conversations with my mom, very,you know, vulnerable
conversations with my mom and, you know, hearing about our
lives through her point of view and how she felt throughout some
(32:31):
of the most difficult moments ofmy life.
I think one thing that I would tell myself is that, you know,
there was a long period of time where I really did feel alone
and like I didn't have anybody that I could depend on.
And I will tell myself that, youknow, I though things with my
(32:52):
mom were a little bit tough. Every now and then.
I would tell myself that, you know, you did have somebody in
your corner. You know, she may not have been,
you know, behaving in the the ways that you you wanted, but
she did love you and she was rooting for you and she was
trying really hard. And, you know, just like you
(33:15):
yourself were figuring out this gay thing and what it means and
how to, like, navigate it, she was doing the same thing for
herself. And I get it doesn't justify
anything. But yeah, I, I would just remind
(33:38):
myself that that that I wasn't alone and that I did have
somebody in my side. I don't know if I would have
been brave enough back then because I was just so ashamed
about so many queer things that I, like, really put a wah
between US. And I was like, really afraid to
talk to her about, like, anything.
And I think it would have been really beautiful and maybe maybe
(34:01):
in a corny way, but it would have been beautiful if we had
been able to figure things out together instead of, you know,
figuring it out on our own and, you know, having to find our way
back to each other. Yeah.
Yeah, that that would definitelybe nice.
And it's, but it's like so hard for children and parents growing
(34:22):
up, so like, see each other's side because, I mean, the kid
doesn't have the experience of an adult.
And then the adult, like you're so far removed from being a
child that you forget what it's like to really learn the world
for the first time. Yeah, yeah.
And even, like, outside of, you know, queerness, when you're a
(34:43):
teenager, like teenagers and parents, you're just like,
there's always going to be, you know, something to fight about.
You're always going to be like, you don't understand for some
reason. So this is just a fantasy.
You know, in my fantasy, we would have been having
beautiful, honest conversations with each other throughout my
(35:04):
teenage years. But nobody is really doing that
with their parent at that age. Nobody that I knew, anyway.
That's what all therapists hope happens.
Exactly. And you know, I even I had, I
had like one or two friends who were queer and their parents
were queer and even they have their queer trauma related to,
(35:29):
you know, so even if your parents are gay, there's still,
it's going to be some drama. No one's exempt from that.
No. And drama's good.
It's, you know, material. It's.
Material and helps you learn valuable life lessons.
(35:51):
You know, I, I, I really don't try to see life that way because
I want to believe that I'm living like an authentic life
where I'm not just like, Hey, there's like a, like a, I don't
know, like artificialness to, I'm going to do stuff for the
story, you know, but there is like a little bit of, I don't
(36:16):
know, maybe relief or like a silver lining to now that I am a
memoirist and I know that, you know, whatever I'm going
through, I will probably write about it someday when something
really bad happens. Like the one silver lining is
that like, OK, well, at least, you know, you might, you have
(36:37):
material for, for the book. So, you know, I try not to see
life that way, but it it is likethe one consolation prize for
trauma happening. I mean, if it helps you get
through something. Yeah.
At least that that's. Positive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I think it helps a little bit.
(37:02):
In your memoir, you write to be the main character was to
matter. Why do you think representation
in media is important? You know, I think representation
is important because it, it sortof helps show you what's
(37:26):
possible. I think I'm, maybe I'm like a
visual learner and like, I need to see somebody doing it to know
that it is possible for me. And you know, I didn't, I, I
don't feel like I had a lot of, you know, queer Latin X models
(37:49):
of success. You know, I had a lot of models
of, you know, if you grow up queer, you're probably going to
die and bad things are going to happen to you and you're going
to get gay bashed and it's goingto be sad.
And then Lifetime will make a movie about you and I'm.
(38:11):
So sorry, I'm trying not to laugh at that.
But that's like what that was like my, those were my role
models. You know, when I like saw myself
represented, it was like stuff like that.
And I, I think I really needed models of, you know, I would
love to be a model of success and like, you can make it.
(38:36):
I think it's a little bit more complicated.
I think I'm more of a model of you can make it past trauma and
still have a, you might not be rich, but you still have a rich
life and a fulfilling life and being community and have love
and, you know, do things that you're passionate about.
(38:56):
But I think I, I needed to see somebody model that for me.
And so I'm hoping that, you know, I don't think the, the
book is going to let I, I, I definitely don't think of it as
like a, how to guide or a like, follow these steps to success.
(39:16):
But I, I, I do hope that, you know, at least if it were me
when I was, you know, a teenager, if I picked up this
book, it would give me a little bit of hope, knowing that look,
knowing that, like, you know, things don't always work out
perfectly, but they're going to work out one way or another.
And I think that's something that I needed to hear, Yeah.
(39:39):
I think that's something a lot of people need.
To hear. Especially in the times we're
going through so. Yeah.
And it's kind of like that thinglike with the, you know, the
times that we're going through of it all.
Like it does kind of give me a little bit hope looking back and
saying like, oh, everything is alittle bit cyclical.
(39:59):
We have had, you know, really dark historical moments like
this in the past. And you know, I was going to
say, you know, but we made it through.
But not everybody makes it through.
So. So I don't know what my
inspirational message there is. Not you don't always need one.
(40:24):
Sometimes it's just like, you know, just keep.
Swimming. Just keep swimming.
And that actually, that is kind of the message that my book ends
on. Like, quite literally, it's just
just keep swimming. I never.
Yeah. Oh my God, I love that you just
said that. That really helps me understand
my book a little bit more. Just keep swimming.
(40:49):
Alternate title, yeah. Well, we're glad we could bring
you that here today. Thank you for coming to talk to
us. I really appreciate it.
Those are all the questions we have for you.
Thank you. Again, For those at home that
haven't read it, go pick up a copy of Alligator Tears.
If people want to stay connectedwith you or follow you, how can
they do that? Just I'm on social media.
(41:14):
Otro Edgar Gomez. Yeah, that's where I'm at.
I'm only on Instagram right now.All the apps are, you know,
overwhelmed, you know, Yeah. All right, so go follow Edgar on
Instagram. Thank you again.
And until next time, hydrate forlesbian Jesus.
And get up all over the place. Bye.
(41:38):
And with that, we've been big gay energy.
Thank you for listening. We'd really appreciate it if you
downloaded this episode and leftus a review.
No matter how brief, your contribution will help us reach
a wider audience. We would love to hear from you
about everything and anything. You can find us on all social
media platforms at Big Gay Energy Pod or e-mail us at
(41:58):
biggayenergypod@gmail.com. Join our Discord server to
connect with us and our friends who also love queer media.
The link to join is in our episode description.
Below, if you'd like to support us, check out our merch store on
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(42:19):
Until next time, hydrate for lesbian Jesus.
And get it up all over the place.
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