You clicked looking for something frosty and jolly… and ended up with Nazis, incest lore, horny mall teens, and a chain-smoking Santa Claus. Welcome to ELVES (1989) — the low-budget Christmas horror movie that dares to suggest Hitler was experimenting on elves to create a master race.
In this episode, we break down the cult holiday nightmare starring Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams) as possibly the grizzliest Santa in cinema history. There’s only one elf (it looks like a goblin), it kills with a steak knife, Santa smokes in every scene, and the movie somehow aired on broadcast TV despite profanity, nudity, and some truly cursed plot twists.
Along the way, we cover:
Why Christmas was once outlawed in Massachusetts
Evil elf mythology & Nazi Christmas lore
The most uncomfortable mid-movie reveal you’ll ever see
Why Dan Haggerty is way too good for this movie
And how the ending accidentally completes the evil prophecy
This is B-movie Christmas chaos, and you kind of need to see it once — if only to believe it exists.
Rating: Binge never… but experience required.
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