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August 8, 2025 20 mins

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Growing up doesn't end at 18—it's just beginning. Dr. Sara Klein, Vice President for Student Affairs at Stevens Institute of Technology, delivers a powerful message about the college transition that resonates far beyond freshman year: parents need to back off.

After decades of helicopter parenting from preschool through high school, many parents struggle to step back when their children enter college. We've become accustomed to tracking every aspect of our children's lives—from daily school reports to real-time location apps. But this well-intentioned involvement can sabotage the very independence our adult children need to develop.

Dr. Klein shares several specific strategies for parents navigating this transition. She recommends avoiding campus visits during the critical first six weeks, allowing students to manage homesickness and roommate conflicts themselves, and establishing clear communication boundaries instead of expecting constant contact. When students call upset, parents should listen without immediately solving problems—empowering young adults to develop their own solutions.

What makes this conversation so valuable is how these principles extend beyond college. Whether your child is 18 or 38, the fundamental challenge remains the same: how do we support without suffocating? How do we love without controlling? As Dr. Klein eloquently puts it, "Allow your child to grow into the adult that you want them to be... the way that you love them as an adult is different."

The most profound gift we can give our adult children isn't solving their problems or protecting them from discomfort—it's believing in their capacity to navigate life's challenges independently while remaining a steady, supportive presence in their lives. Ready to transform your relationship with your adult child? Start by biting your tongue and taking a step back.

Huge thank you to Connie Gorant Fisher, our audio engineer.
Send all ideas to biteyourtonguepodcast@gmail.com. Remeber to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Support US!  Visit our website at biteyourtonguepodcast.com and select SUPPORT US.  You can buy a "virtual" cup of coffee.


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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Parents are so obsessed with their students
going to college to get a greatjob and the return on investment
and that whole bit, which isreally important, of course, but
from my end, it's also aboutthe development of a character
and the development of adulthood, you know, and becoming an
adult, and so, for a parent,they need to learn that that's
another essential part of thisand that they need to step back
for that to be able to occur.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
Hey everyone, welcome to Bite your Tongue, the
podcast.
Join me, your host, DeniseGorin, as we explore the ins and
outs of building healthyrelationships with our adult
children.
Together, we'll speak withexperts, share heartfelt stories
and get timely adviceaddressing topics that matter
most to you.
Get ready to dive deep andlearn to build and nurture deep

(00:49):
connections with our adultchildren and, of course, when,
to bite our tongues.
So let's get started.
Hey everyone, welcome back toBite your Tongue, the podcast.
I'm Denise and today I've askedmy sister, Connie, here she is,
to join us.
You know she's our podcasteditor and certainly a
behind-the-scenes genius, butshe's going to join us for a bit

(01:12):
, just to talk about thisepisode and what we're getting
into today.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
Okay, I know I prefer hiding behind the headphones.
However, when you call megenius, I don't mind being here.
The topic today is great,something we've both been
through, that's true.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
We're going to talk about a pretty emotional
milestone when you take yourkids to college.
I know some listeners are pastthis, but some are just starting
to listen and this is the phasethey're in.
Remember those days when it wasso hard to say goodbye and
really let go.

Speaker 3 (01:40):
Oh gosh, denise, do I ever?
I tried to act so calm and cooland yet I was so nervous.
Is he going to like hisroommate?
Are they going to get along?
What clubs are you going tojoin?
All that crazy stuff.
All that crazy stuff.
When you?

Speaker 2 (01:51):
look back, it sounds crazy now what certainly wasn't
crazy back then, Absolutely.
But anyway, it's a very shortepisode but it packs a big punch
.
We're going to be joined bySarah Klein.
She's from the StevensInstitute of Technology and she
has two words, Connie, forparents who take their kids to
college.

Speaker 3 (02:07):
Back off.
Oh whoa, she doesn't mincewords, well, especially when
you're writing the paycheck,when you're paying the tuition
check, absolutely yeah.

Speaker 2 (02:20):
So she's got a strong case and she explains why
stepping back is usually thebest gift you can give your
college bound kid.
So let's get started.
Thanks for joining me, connie.
Sounds good.
Let's get started with Sarah.
Today, as we mentioned, we'retalking about sending your adult
child off to college for thefirst time.
Now I know many of you are pastthis stage, but some are just
beginning this journey.
As we spoke with Sarah today, Irealized, though, that

(02:41):
everything she says is alsopractical advice for all of us
trying to build healthyrelationships with our adult
children.
In two words, back off.
And it doesn't stop once youdrop them off at college.
So we're delighted to welcomeDr Sarah Klein, vice president
for student affairs at StevensInstitute of Technology.

(03:02):
At Stevens Institute ofTechnology, sarah has spent
years in the world of campuslife and student affairs and has
seen firsthand how thistradition to college has changed
so much over the years and theover-involvement of parents.
She's passionate about helpingfamilies navigate this pivotal
moment.
This will be a short butpractical conversation where

(03:22):
Sarah will outline some do's anddon'ts during this major
milestone.
Welcome, sarah.

Speaker 1 (03:28):
Thanks for having me.

Speaker 2 (03:29):
Tell me a little bit more about you, and I know
you've been talking about it foryears.
What prompted this interest foryou?

Speaker 1 (03:36):
Yeah, in my role at Stevens, I'm responsible for
facilitating a transformativeexperience for our students
while they're here.
I oversee a large division atthe university.
We have 16 offices that allwork together and across the
university to welcome students,help them feel supported, guide
them and really develop themintellectually, emotionally,
socially as they navigate thiscollege journey.

(03:59):
And we're really there withthem from the first day they
arrive to the day they graduateand beyond as alumni, and we
really want to teach them how toself-advocate and how to grow
into a responsible, adult andengaged citizen.
That's the goal.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
And sometimes the parents, the handicap huh.

Speaker 1 (04:16):
Sometimes that's true .
Yeah, I'm always interested inworking with parents.
I think that over the course ofmy career I've seen a huge
change in parents' level ofinvolvement in the student
experience.
Can you go into specifics aboutthat?
Yeah, I think it's agenerational change.
I don't think it's anyparticular thing that has
happened.
I think it's the way thatsociety parents, that we teach

(04:38):
our people to parent, that thegenerations have changed their
parenting style.
So, if you look at it, thisgeneration of parents has been
intricately involved with everymoment of their child's life,
from the day they dropped them,maybe at daycare or at preschool
, you get a report of everysingle hour, every single diaper
.
That was changed.
What they ate, right.
So we're starting from thatplace of being so embedded in

(05:01):
every moment and their childhaving no independent moment
where they're not aware ofwhat's happening.
And that really progressesthrough the entire K through 12
school system, and it's notnecessarily a bad thing.
Schools are much morecommunicative than when I was a
child.
Parents are receivingnewsletters.
I have a high schooler myselfand I receive a daily newsletter
of what's happening at school.

(05:22):
You say you don't think that'sso bad.

Speaker 2 (05:24):
I remember none of this was going on.
My kids are older and Iremember when my daughter went
to high school we started tohave this thing where their
grades would get posted or theydidn't turn in a high school
homework assignment.
I thought that was a littleover the top.
It was more about saving theschools.
I don't want to say ass,because if this kid got an F the
parent would say well, whydidn't you ever tell me Right?

(05:46):
This is just not college, sarah.
This podcast is about way intoyoung adulthood 30s, even early
40s and parents are still overlyinvolved.

Speaker 1 (05:55):
I think that there's a range of parents, right.
So I think there are a range ofparents and a range of children
.
I think there are some childrenI'm fortunate to have children
who don't need me to have anewsletter or read it, but there
are a lot of parents out therewho do need that because their
child really struggles and theydo need to advocate for them
more, especially when they're inthe K-12 system and a minor
right.

(06:15):
What the problem for me is isthat those adults cannot step
away from their child a bit whenthey move to college to allow
for the process to begin, wherethey learn how to self-advocate.
So I do think there are morechildren identified earlier who
have higher need, who need moreintervention from other people,
the adults in their lives, andthat's why I think it's okay
that we do some of this and I dothink it's good.

(06:37):
There are a lot of parents outthere who are disengaged in
their child's life and education.
So I think it's good if ithelps for some of those cases,
but I think actually mostparents do not need that and do
not need to be involved.
But you as a parent candetermine how you want to act on
that or if you want to act onthat information.
I do not.
I stay out, but for some peoplethey need to provide a little

(06:58):
more care and attention to theirstudent and push them a bit
when they're younger.
My concern is that by the timethey get to college, the entire
point of being here is that, yes, there is a safety net of the
college administration and allthe networks within the college
to help them succeed, butultimately they're supposed to
be self-directed and doing thatfor themselves, and so if
they're graduating, they haven'thad the opportunity to really

(07:19):
do it for themselves.
And so if they're graduating,they haven't had the opportunity
to really do it for themselvesbecause their parent is quite
literally logging into theiremail or their university
software to act for them and onbehalf of them, then we have a
problem, because then theyhaven't actually had any time to
hone any skills while they'rein college.
Then they're graduating andtheir parent is calling their
employer to negotiate a joboffer right, or they still are

(07:40):
making doctor appointments fortheir children, which is a real
issue.

Speaker 2 (07:44):
So how do you change from sort of this involvement in
high school and getting yourweekly newsletter and checking
your grades?
Maybe you do have a child thatneeds that extra support and now
you drop them off at college.
It's pretty hard to just slamdunk I'm done.
What's your down and dirtysuggestions?

Speaker 1 (07:58):
for parents.
Yeah, I think it's hard becausesome parents don't have any
need to make a change right,they're happy with it and their
child maybe loves it.
I mean, it's great to getbabied right.
People love that.
So I think it does have to comefrom both the student and the
parent together.
But from my end it also comesfrom me and my team.
We do a lot of, we make a lot ofoutreach and we do a lot of

(08:19):
education to incoming parentsand families about what it's
like to navigate a change incollege and what we expect of
parents and what we cannot dowith parents.
When a student's coming tocollege, there are changes in
the law in terms of how we caninteract or communicate with you
.
We have a FERPA law whichprotects student privacy because
they are, for the most part, 18years old.
So we I cannot speak to everycollege, but I think most

(08:41):
college administrators do seekto educate parents on these
matters should they want to payattention to us, but ultimately,
if they're trying to get acertain level of information and
access, they just can't have itin college.
So it's kind of an intensemoment where it's just an
all-out change to how you haveto interact with your students.
So we do as much as we can.
We do webinars, orientationsover the summer, we send out

(09:04):
communications.
I interact with the parents andfamilies when they arrive at the
campus to talk about this, andI do a lot of one-on-one
education as issues arise, toexplain that it's not that we
don't want to work with parents.
It's that we all need to worktogether so that their child can
be a successful adult, and thatI need to speak with the
student and not with them, andthat there are legal
requirements.
I need to speak with thestudent, but also it's probably

(09:26):
a good idea so that theirstudent can grow and learn.
Parents are so obsessed withtheir students going to college
to get a great job and thereturn on investment and that
whole bit, which is reallyimportant, of course, but from
my end, it's also about thedevelopment of a character and
the development of adulthood,you know, and becoming an adult,
and so for a parent, they needto learn that that's another
essential part of this and thatthey need to step back for that

(09:49):
to be able to occur.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
I would love some specific tips.
If you were talking to a groupof parents right now and saying,
okay, you're sending your childoff to college, you're dropping
them off next week.
Here are some tips to be thebest parent you can be, stay
connected, but not overdo thejob.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
Yes, I talk about this with parents a lot.
I think a big thing thatparents do that is an error is
that they come and, depending onwhere their student is going to
college and how far thedistance is, they come here a
lot.
Not only do they come to thecampus, but they also expect
their student to return homepretty quickly.
I think all colleges experiencethis issue, where usually

(10:26):
orientation begins about a weekbefore Labor Day weekend and
that feels like this moment forfamilies to celebrate together
and they have traditions andthere's all these things going
on at home.
A lot of families think, oh,I'm going to come pick you up
Labor Day weekend and they'vejust been here for probably one
week, five days.
So I say this every single dayon the lead up to arrival to
parents and families and tostudents that they are not to go

(10:48):
home.
We have so many activitiesgoing on.
It's way too early to leavecampus.
When students get homesick andthey miss home.
It just worsens it, itexacerbates it and it prolongs
the homesickness they miss home.
It just worsens it.
It exacerbates it and itprolongs the homesickness when
the parents keep trying toresolve it by picking them up or
encouraging them to come homeor bringing dinner or getting
their laundry or all of thosethings.
The parents really just need tohave an actual break where they

(11:12):
drop their child off and do notreturn to campus and do not
have any in-person interactionwith their child.
I say for six weeks.
Most administrators like thatsix-week time frame.
It does take six weeks to kindof recalibrate, adjust to the
college environment, meet somepeople and for this to start to
feel like a place that could behome.
And if you start having thosein-person interactions too soon

(11:33):
or they're going back home andjust returning to a comfortable
environment, it just makes iteven harder for them to adjust
at college.
So really letting them stayhere usually campuses, including
Stevens, we intentionally plana family weekend or a family day
that's about six weeks in, forthat exact reason.
So that's a great time to havea first interaction, or maybe
Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 (11:53):
What advice would you give to a parent where the
child is texting them or callingthem?
I can't stand it here.
My roommate's smoking pot everyday.
I got to get out of here.
This is saddest I've ever been.
Would you want the parent tocall you at that point, or who
should they call?

Speaker 1 (12:06):
So that comes into another piece of advice I have,
which is to really try to be agood listener and not be the
proactive problem solver.

Speaker 2 (12:14):
Solver.

Speaker 1 (12:15):
Right Like you need to.
Your job is to just be aresource.
Sit back, hear it all.
It might be hard right Like youneed to.
Your job is to just be aresource.
Sit back, hear it all.
It might be hard right.
Internally, you're sitting theresaying, oh my God, my kid is
away for the first time.
They're crying, they're unhappy, they don't love their roommate
All that is normal, right?
You're not going to come hereand just love everything
immediately.
It's a whole new life thatyou're establishing.
It's tough, so, being a goodlistener and realizing that your

(12:37):
child is another adult at thispoint and it's different now and
they have to figure it out.
So, empowering them, askingquestions to help them figure it
out, asking how they've alreadytried to solve it, who have
they already talked to on campustrying to help connect them to
the resources?
I actually don't think a parentshould call at that time.
I think that that's on theparent to interact with their

(12:57):
child and encourage their childto do everything they can
proactively and also just to bepatient.
Some of these things just dotake time, but often I find that
when parents call too earlywith complaints like that, it's
that the student actually hasn'tdone anything proactive to try
to meet other students or try tosolve the roommate problem or
talk to the RA.
There's so many low-hangingfruit things that could happen

(13:17):
during that time that neverhappen, usually before I get the
call.
So I always urge you to take adeep breath.
You probably don't need to callyet, right?
Parents should call us ifthere's some sort of a real
emergency.
Their student is in danger,their student is thinking about
hurting themselves or otherpeople.
That is always a time to make acall to the college.
There are also times when youcan call about homesickness or

(13:38):
lack of friends, etc.
When you feel like all of theother avenues have been
exercised and your student hasalready tried to do something on
their own.
Because that is the firstquestion every administrator
will ask when you call what hasyour student already done?
Why is your student not comingto talk to me?
And it's not anything personalto the parent.
It's not that we don't mindspeaking with parents.
It's just that we're here towork with students and to

(13:59):
develop them, and so they needto take some initiative.
So I think when the student'scalling upset, don't just run to
pick up the phone.
Take a moment, be a goodlistener.
No-transcript.

Speaker 2 (14:14):
That makes perfect sense.
And hey, parents listening,that goes way into your
adulthood when the kid calls andthey can't make their rent.

Speaker 3 (14:20):
Exactly Okay.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
So if you have anything else that you think is
really important to offer us,let's hear it.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
I think it's also important for parents to just
keep their expectations in checkabout how it's going to go that
first year.
It can be tumultuous.
A first year of college it is ahuge life adjustment as they're
becoming an adult.
They may fail classes, they mayhave a hard time making friends
, they may not like the collegethey chose or feel like they
want to change their major,which maybe is something they

(14:46):
always thought they would wantto do.
It's going to happen, it'sexpected and normal.
So for you not to have anoverdramatic reaction in
response to it is probablyhelpful, because it feels
unsupportive, even though you'rejust worried.
I think a lot of what parentsare doing is they're just
feeling anxious because theywant their child to be so
successful, which makes sense,right, of course.
But by you being anxious, youare just worsening the problem,

(15:10):
so allowing a space to havemistakes happen, because they
are going to happen and weexpect that to happen.
And this is the testing ground.
This is where they can trythings out, and that's what
they're supposed to be doing incollege is trying different
classes, trying differentrelationships and friendships
and then figuring out what kindof person that they want to be
based on.
How those things go.

(15:30):
It's a trial and error situation, so parents need to understand
that that's going to be expectedand it's very normal.
But I also would say too, as Imentioned before, know that
there are some moments to stepin.
So I don't want to make thisall about stay back, let your
child be independent, because Ithink for the most part, that is
the rule.
But there are some students whojust need extra help, who are
really faltering, and thenthat's the moment when we, as

(15:53):
the administrators of theinstitution, are looking to a
parent to partner with us andhelp us to ensure that their
student is safe and healthy, andsometimes we do need the parent
to help us.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
Okay, this is really interesting.
You should be a coach forparents of adult kids.
Your kid got into their veryfavorite school and all your
friends are saying how's Sallydoing it?

Speaker 1 (16:12):
might not be great.
It might not be great, butanyway okay.
Yeah, I think also it'simportant to set boundaries.
Something we often experienceis an inconsistency in terms of
what parents expect about howoften they're going to receive
communication and informationfrom their student and they're
calling us because they'refeeling like desperate, like my
student is missing.
They're not.
They haven't texted back in 24hours.

(16:33):
You know parents all have thetrack, your student's location
app.
They'll say, wait, my student'ssupposed to be in class and I
see they're not in class.

Speaker 2 (16:42):
Ok, do all parents have that?
Do all parents have that?

Speaker 1 (16:45):
I think most parents have that at this point.
Most parents thinkover-parenting.
They're logging in on theirstudent's email account and
sending emails to me as thestudent sometimes.
So I think those things needsto be discussed between the
student and the parent.
And this is for students outthere.
I'm just going to say pleasedon't give your parents your
passwords.
Why are you doing that?

Speaker 2 (17:04):
You're enabling them.
Well, it could be that theparents demand it.
I'm not giving you the cellphone unless you give me the
password I'm sure that's outthere.
My guess is that any studentwould not give their parent the
password, openly or without.
Yes, yeah, there's no way.

Speaker 1 (17:19):
I'd like to think not , but some students I think kind
of like that their parents comein and do it for them.
Again, it's nice to havesomeone do it for you, but I do
think there's often a disconnectin the communication piece.
You know students, once theyget here they get really busy.
Like orientation is a greatexample.
Parents are used to havingtexting, texting with their
child and talking to them allthe time and suddenly three days
into orientation they haven'theard from their kid and they're

(17:41):
contacting us to say I am veryconcerned.
And then we contact the studentand then they say I'm busy.
Right, I'm in the middle ofsomething.
I can't just text my parent allthe time.
So I like to tell students andparents and this shows my age,
but I say you know, what I didin college was I set up a time
every Sunday at 8 pm Right,right, that's what we did.

Speaker 2 (17:58):
Well, when I was in college, you lined up at the
phone.

Speaker 1 (18:01):
There was one phone in the hallway, I know about
this.
Yes, I didn't have cell phoneseither in college, so I know,
and we just set up the one timeand then there was no
expectation that I wascommunicating at any other time.
Now I know that was before atime when we just texted
everyone all the time, so maybeit's a different setup but some
sort of a check-in point right,so that, yes, your parent knows

(18:21):
you're not missing, yes, you'rejust busy, you have a lot of
exams, right.
But those kinds of things, andeven parents showing up on
campus without telling theirstudent and expecting to see
them I mean, parents don'trealize we can't even let them
into the residence hall ortelling them where a student
lives.
We have privacy law and they'llsometimes come here and be
shocked that no one can let themin, even though they're paying,
however much they're paying,and that their student isn't

(18:44):
available to see them right now.
Sometimes a student is outdoing something else, didn't
sleep in their room last nightand that's really, I think, an
invasion of privacy.
So I talk to parents a lotabout remember, this is another
adult and I know it's hard tothink of your child as an adult,
but they are now and there wasa clear break the day that you
dropped them here.

Speaker 2 (19:04):
So you say, yeah, you drop them off, they're adults,
they go home and they're back tobe in there, particularly that
first year of college.
But I still remember onward Iwould drop my clothes in my
bedroom.
You revert back.
A lot of people say that's verytrue.
So it's hard to see that adult.

Speaker 1 (19:20):
Yeah, it is a weird situation when you do come back,
especially those first fewtimes over.
Thanksgiving or break thatfirst year.
I still remember doing thatmyself, and to renegotiate the
relationship when you are livingback at your parents' house is
an awkward moment on both ends.
So I think that's where clearcommunication is needed.
The parents need to say youstill have a curfew at my house.

Speaker 3 (19:39):
I still expect you to come back and take me.

Speaker 1 (19:41):
But for the student to also say, okay, but you don't
need to know my whereabouts orwhatever it is that they're
going to negotiate.
But that can be awkward.

Speaker 2 (19:48):
Okay, so let's do a takeaway.
If you want one thing forparents to remember from this
short interview, what would yousay and not back off, because
we've said that a lot, so I wantsomething clear and concise.

Speaker 1 (20:00):
I don't think it's back off.
I think it's allow your childto grow into the adult that you
want them to be right.
Give them some space to be ableto do that while you're still
there in their ear, supportingthem and loving them.
But the way that you love themas an adult is different.

Speaker 2 (20:15):
Gosh, I just love that and I'm going to say that
just transfers all the waythrough young adulthood.
Treat them the way you expectthem to be, the adult you want
them to be Responsible, advocatefor themselves.
You don't know all the answersand I notice now, even as my
children get older, I reallydon't know all the answers
because I don't know thisenvironment.
We also don't know theenvironment they're in in

(20:35):
college.
It's very different fromanything we experience, so it's
hard for us to give advice or totell them what to do.
Things have changed.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
That's exactly true.
They know the best way tonavigate this, and if they don't
, they have to figure it out forthemselves, because this is
just the first step on a longjourney to adulthood.

Speaker 2 (20:52):
Right, well, thank you so much, sarah.
This was great.
I really was great.
I really appreciate it.
I think you should definitelybe talking about this more and
more and more.
You do a great job.

Speaker 1 (21:01):
Summing it all up, thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (21:03):
Nisa was good to talk oh boy, so that's a wrap.
You know, you guys, everythingshe says is so important.
Even as a parent of an adultchild, they need to be their own
advocates.
If we're doing everything andtexting them all the time and on
top of them all the time, howwill they ever grow?
And when you think that thisstarts at kindergarten or

(21:25):
preschool and goes all the waynow through college, we've got
to get control.
We're an anxious generation.
I learned so much from this fewminutes, so I hope all of you
did too, and I hope peoplelisten that we're just dropping
their kids off at college.
I love Sarah.
She's got it down, so I hopeyou're enjoying the podcast.
Everyone.
Please send us ideas forepisodes at

(21:47):
biteyourtonguepodcast atgmailcom.
Log on to our website.
Send us a message.
You can also record a message.
There's a little microphone youcan record a message.
And also, if we want tocontinue, we really need your
support.
Go to support us on our websitebiteyourtonguepodcastcom.
$5.
Buy us a cup of coffee.

(22:07):
If we get a few $5 now and then, you have no idea how far it
goes.
So remember, particularly afterlistening to this episode
sometimes you just have to biteyour tongue.
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