October 14, 2025 • 38 mins
A FaceTime that wouldn’t connect, a birthday ice cream run, and a red box hidden under a saucer—then four words that change everything: will you marry me? We’re celebrating a surprise engagement that’s decades in the making and unpacking what it means to choose love, with clarity, later in life.
We retrace the moment—how he kept a three-month secret, returned the first ring, and enlisted his sister to find the one that felt right. From there, we go deeper: how our definition of love has shifted from a word to a practice, how small gestures keep closeness alive, and why time, at 63, sharpens decisions. We talk openly about the past marriage, the therapy that helps us own our part, and the language tweaks that prevent a casual “I don’t care” from stepping on someone else’s joy. The wedding conversation gets real: he wants one, she could elope, and we’re designing a plan that respects both preferences without defaulting to old scripts about gender or tradition.
Please follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review. Tell us: what tradition would you keep—or toss—for your next chapter?
Chapter Markers
- 0:00
Welcome & Big News Tease - 0:30
The Proposal Reveal - 4:30
How He Planned the Ring - 8:30
Love Revisited After 40 Years - 12:30
Choosing Love as a Verb - 17:30
On Aging, Time, and Clarity - 21:00
Healing From Past Marriage - 25:00
Long Engagement, Logistics, Home Reno - 29:00
Gender Roles, Weddings, and Language - 35:30
Owning Feelings Without Dimming Joy
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Get Angie’s eBook:
We’re Too Old for This! The Inquisitive Older Woman’s Guide to Joy http://joystrategy.co/ebook
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Visit Black Boomer Besties from Brooklyn website for behind-the-scenes extras.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:02):
Hey and hey Les.
SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
How's it going?
unknown (00:06):
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01 (00:07):
It's going really good.
SPEAKER_02 (00:09):
I'm happy for you.
We have some big news.
I have news.
Yeah.
I'd like to say we could listen.
We.
Yes, we two.
We all in this together.
We have some big news.
All right, tell them where weare so we can have good news.
SPEAKER_01 (00:29):
Good news.
So welcome to another episode ofBlack Boomer Besties from
Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_02 (00:36):
I'm Angela, and that's Leslie, my best friend of
almost 50 years.
We are two free thinking60-something-year-old black
women who have decided to livewith more joy and more boldness
in our lives.
And we invite you to join us onour journey, but even more
importantly, to hop on or speedup, accelerate your journey as
(01:01):
well.
Yes.
Today we're going to share somebig news and we're going to talk
about the feelings.
All the feelings around thenews.
SPEAKER_01 (01:08):
So we've been talking about a little bit about
this.
SPEAKER_02 (01:12):
Can I tell them how I found out?
Okay.
So yesterday was my birthday.
I turned 63 because Leslie ismuch older than me.
She's we want to say happybirthday to you.
(01:33):
And um my sister and my niecewere visiting.
Um and we decided to get icecream after our dinner.
This was on Sunday.
So we're riding, I get a callfrom Les.
I know she's in Florida, butwe've already checked in.
I know she's good.
We got there okay.
(01:53):
She's hanging out with thefamily.
And she called a few times, andI thought she was butt calling
me because every time I hung Ianswered, I would hear nothing.
I didn't even notice that it wasa FaceTime call.
I just, okay.
It's a butt time.
Anyway, third time, I I answeredsomething.
(02:18):
I gotta tell you something.
You gotta get on FaceTime.
I said, I'm driving, I can't.
Who else is in the car?
My sister, my niece are in thecar.
SPEAKER_01 (02:27):
No, you said, I'll I'll I'll FaceTime you when I
get to the ice cream.
When are you gonna have that icecream?
10 minutes.
We don't have 10 minutes.
I said, who else is in the car?
SPEAKER_02 (02:40):
So um my sister's phone was dead.
My niece, of course, she hasAuntie Leslie's number.
Um, and did she call you or didyou call her?
I forget.
SPEAKER_01 (02:51):
I called her, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (02:53):
Okay, okay.
And then handed, like put thephone in front.
My sister is holding the phone.
We're we're three of us in thecar now, and Leslie announces.
SPEAKER_01 (03:04):
I'm like, and he got on one knee, asked me to marry
him, and I said yes.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
Can you make the make the fireworks go?
It was it was make the fireworksgo.
Make it I should have pulledover.
Because I got an immediate,like, you know, when you get a
rush of excitement and the head,I gotta so, I gotta so, I gotta
so.
SPEAKER_01 (03:35):
It's a little big, I gotta get it sized.
Isn't she pretty?
SPEAKER_02 (03:40):
She is beautiful and what gorgeous hands.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
Wow.
I had to put my move my auraring.
Oh, you weirdo.
So and I had to get my nailsdone too.
But I'm just so happy.
I can't listen, I was sosurprised.
I thought you I thought he was Ithought he was joking.
(04:09):
Like, you know, because he usedthe opportunity to go down with
me to my house in Florida.
I went because my uncle and mycousins were gonna visit my mom.
So it was gonna be like a a minifamily reunion.
And I said to Rick, I said, youknow, I hope you're able to
come.
(04:29):
It was iffy because we'regetting the house renovated and
they're contractors andelectricians and plumber and
stuff every day.
So it's been a little hard forhim to get away.
So when he was able to get away,I was like, oh, this is great.
He'll get to meet my uncle andmeet the rest of my cousins who
he hasn't met yet, and all ofthat.
(04:51):
Um I found out later that Ifound out so many things later.
SPEAKER_02 (04:57):
You know I didn't know, right?
Because I I would have kept asecret, but I had no idea.
I'm a little surprised he didn'ttell you.
I had no, I'm not surprised, tobe honest, because people don't
know.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
They don't know that they knew the secret yet.
SPEAKER_02 (05:10):
And maybe he didn't want me to have the pressure of
it.
You know, I'm gonna give him alot of grace, but I did not
know.
So I did not know.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
Apparently, this man bought this ring three months
ago.
SPEAKER_02 (05:24):
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (05:25):
He's been sitting on this all this time.
I could never hold the secretthat long.
I would just be hinting andlike, there might be a box in
your future.
Maybe.
SPEAKER_02 (05:38):
Or instead, he was saying it may be a year or two
years.
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
Why don't you do your nails?
You might, you might need tohave your nails done.
I would have done there's no wayfor three months.
So he asked his sister to comewith him while he went ring
shopping.
Wow.
And she they went.
Right.
He actually picked out a ring,sat on it, held it for three
(06:06):
weeks about.
Right.
And before the end of the returnperiod, he's like, nah, I don't
like it.
And and returned it.
And his sister said, nah, Ididn't like that either.
So they they picked this oneout.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It looks so beautiful.
It's a little big, it's loose, Igotta get it sized.
But I love it.
It's gorgeous.
(06:26):
But moreover, I love a couple ofthings.
I love the fact that he knewthis was something that was
important to me.
I told him several months agothat I wanted him to marry me.
I wanted to marry him.
I wanted us to get married.
But um the other thing, I don'tknow if I've mentioned it, I
(06:53):
probably have not, not on thepodcast, but he has reminded me
frequently that he asked me tomarry him 40 years ago.
And I said no.
unknown (07:04):
Oh wow.
SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
That's right.
You know, but the thing, I'lltell you.
Wow.
SPEAKER_02 (07:10):
Can we just sit on that a little bit?
That is such a story.
I can't wait to read yourmemoir.
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
And and and he has never married.
Um yeah, I would not say he waswaiting for me.
I think what we both decidedthat when we were both available
for each other, let's not letthis get away.
(07:42):
We really respected the love andthe bond that we've had for this
time.
Now, I say this in a way that Ihope people understand because I
was married for um a number ofyears to someone else, and there
was never any infidelity or anycanoodling with Ricardo or
(08:04):
anything.
I respected him as Omari's dad,but we always um cared for each
other, you know.
I've always known he's cared forme.
And I am the type of person thatI can certainly care for someone
in the proper place, and I don'thave to be with everyone that I
care for, of course.
That's right.
That's right.
(08:24):
So we've enjoyed a goodrelationship these 45 years that
we've known each other.
And um, when my divorce wasfinal, um, we spent more time
together and realized that, youknow, we let each other get away
years ago.
We're not making that mistakeagain.
SPEAKER_02 (08:44):
You let him get away.
SPEAKER_01 (08:46):
That's how that went down.
Yeah, that's how I let her getaway.
But I recognize that it wouldn'thave worked back then.
Right.
I wouldn't have been saying shewas a different person.
Exactly.
And the people that we are rightnow, we're um we're it's just
lovely.
It's just so comfortable, andhe's so caring and attentive,
(09:10):
and I'm not I can go on and on,but I won't.
SPEAKER_02 (09:16):
And you're letting him.
That's what I noticed, that youare letting him.
And that's new for me.
I we've talked about it here.
SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
That's new for me.
We've talked about it, yes.
I would have just as well, youknow, planned or not had an
engagement or not had a ring orno wedding or this or that, you
know.
I'm like, uh I'm not that fancyfor the ritual of it all.
(09:46):
Right, right.
But um he once, when wediscussed it, he said, you know,
let I've never been marriedbefore.
Let me do things my way.
And let me be the man in this.
And I said, Oh, oh, you know, Icouldn't argue with that.
unknown (10:02):
You know.
SPEAKER_01 (10:03):
Well, you could, but you chose not to.
SPEAKER_02 (10:05):
You controlled your natural instinct.
SPEAKER_01 (10:10):
You know, because he said, You've experienced this
before.
I haven't.
So I want to do things the waythat I dream it to be.
SPEAKER_00 (10:17):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
And um there was some ruse my mother pulled up
about uh, hey, everybody, comehere, sit close to the table.
I need to tell you something.
And I admit, I rolled my eyes,I'm like, oh, here we go.
I didn't know here we go.
She was about to give it away.
She has no because she does notknow how to do it, but you guys
(10:40):
know that.
Listen, the man was talking, andshe started to say, like in the
middle of talking, like, oh,wait till you see it.
Wait till you see it.
And my cousin had to say to him,Could you let him finish?
Oh no.
That's my mom.
unknown (10:57):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
I should have let him know.
If ever you were to ask for myhand and propos, and she's
there, don't tell her early.
So anyway.
Yeah.
So he he, you know, she startedtalking and then he talking.
(11:19):
Thank you for coming.
I'm glad to meet everybody andall of this, he says.
And um, and then he startedtelling about how long he's
loved me, and we're glad thathe's glad that we're together
and this.
And then, you know, he's talland I'm sitting, and he says,
(11:41):
you know, I'm a little tall.
Let me get down here to yourheight.
And then he says, wait, whichknee should I get on?
And he got on his right knee.
He said, Wait, which knee?
And he got on his right knee.
And then he took, he had a uhright next to him, a saucer
turned upside down over the redbox.
(12:02):
And I almost moved the saucer,you know, when I came to the
table, because I'm like, why isthis over here?
We we're not eating anymore.
Who would turn this upside down?
He probably would have hit myhand.
But anyway.
So, um so and then he says, so Irealized, and I gotta see the
(12:27):
video because I was juststunned.
I couldn't believe it.
My I had my face covered.
I was like, what?
And and then he says, you know,will you marry me?
And then you know me, I alwayswear a thousand rings.
I had to take off all the ringsfrom my finger, and he's like,
put the ring on.
I like, I gotta take these offfirst.
And I said, Yes.
(12:48):
Oh my goodness.
And then the smith I'm still inshock.
I can't get over it.
Oh my goodness.
Because he kind of saidsomething like, Well, maybe next
year, you know.
And I was being patient, and Iwas like, okay, you know, next
year when the house is finishedand he's ready, and this, and I
(13:12):
ca at first I thought he was alittle afraid, yeah, you know, a
little tentative, like, and thenyou know, you often wonder, is
it me?
You know, does he not want tomarry me?
SPEAKER_00 (13:23):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Or you know what I mean?
You start your head startsthinking of so many things.
I knew I knew into our firstyear, I think, of being
together, that um I did not wantto let him get away again.
SPEAKER_02 (13:41):
You know, well, you survived Costa Rica.
SPEAKER_01 (13:45):
Oh my god, and Tortuguer.
SPEAKER_02 (13:48):
He got you through that, yeah.
Well, that's beautiful, Les.
I'm telling you, I I I woke upthe next day feeling the
excitement like in my body, eventhough I wasn't I'm like,
something has shifted in theworld.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
What is it?
Yeah, I just for the first twodays I just kept shaking my
head.
I can't believe it.
And then even that night hesaid, as I was telling my
fiance, I'm like, what?
He's been practicing.
unknown (14:18):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (14:19):
He said that.
Oh my gosh.
Have you said it yet?
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
No.
No.
I s I think I've referred to himone more time as my partner.
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
You can sell both words.
It's so much more than specific.
It I know, I know.
It's the yeah, it's it's it'slike pregnant with anticipation
when you say it like that.
It's like because something'scoming.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
Oh man.
So I'm amazing.
So so obviously now that it'sgetting more real, I have some
thoughts and some musings.
Okay.
So great word.
This will be my second marriage.
And I was wondering like what orhow my mindset has changed
(15:09):
between the time that I'mpreparing for uh life with this
man versus I'm trying to thinkback of some of the thoughts
that I had twenty plus years agowhen I first married um my prior
spouse.
You know, and I wasn't young atthe time, but I do notice a
(15:33):
difference.
One of the things is that mydefinition of love has changed a
little bit.
You know, it's almost I don'twant it to sound um weird or
anything, but I uh recognize nowthat love is more the verb than
(15:58):
the noun adjective.
Or, you know, it's is it nownyor verb?
It's more it's m way more of averb.
Um because obviously what is theadjective?
SPEAKER_02 (16:13):
Tell me what is that well like Loving something about
someone or versus loving themkind of thing?
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Um I don't know, you know, that that's a good
question.
I'll I'll get back to that.
But what I mean is I'm using itas an adjective as a descriptor
of feelings.
Okay.
So I'm used to hearing, oh Ilove you.
Oh I love you, I love you.
(16:45):
And it becomes almost rote,almost um compulsory before you
leave the house, love you, youknow.
You know, and in the absence ofthe behaviors that are the l in
(17:06):
the absence of loving behaviors,it really starts to ring hollow.
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
Um likewise the peck on the cheek and the love you,
okay, you know.
Um I say I love you now and whenI give even the peck on the
cheek, it's different.
It's different.
Um one of the things, one of theways in which I show my love in
(17:39):
in addition to saying it, is Ireally try to show him how much
I appreciate him and our beingtogether.
I feel lucky being with him.
You know, I feel fortunate.
And when we're together becausewe still live separately in uh
(18:02):
different places um when we'retogether, I really make a um I
make an effort to m um to showhim that he's special to me.
You know.
Yeah.
(18:23):
And and one of the things that Irecognize is that, you know, in
longer term relationships,sometimes you lose that, like
where you'll sit next to eachother and put your hand on, you
know, not in a sexual way, butput your hand on the thigh or
the leg or just touch yourshoulder or y something like
(18:45):
that.
I um I want to keep that goingas long as possible.
SPEAKER_00 (18:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (18:52):
You know.
Sure, yeah.
And and I think one of thethings that's different about
getting married again at mymiddle age at 63, and certainly
for the second time, it's arecognition of the um of how
(19:13):
short, relatively short a timecompressed our time left is.
So you we really want to it'salmost like not wasted.
SPEAKER_00 (19:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:26):
Because some folks say, um, I've noticed this about
your relationship as well, youknow, it's like you feel almost
like we probably would havetaken it slower 15 years ago.
Yeah.
unknown (19:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:42):
But when you get to be our age and in our stage,
when you know, you know.
I agree.
You know, you don't have toquestion yourself as often as
you used to when you were young.
Is it real?
Is he real?
You you're able to detectauthenticity a little bit better
(20:03):
and not get confused about lustversus the deep-seated love and
a joy-filled relationship.
And what's wonderful about it,and I feel blessed and lucky, is
that I feel that.
And I have someone whoreciprocates those feelings.
You know, I've I've mentionedbefore my prior spouse, he
(20:27):
didn't like me.
You know, which is is is sad fornot just for me, but for for him
too.
He was in a marriage where withsomeone he didn't like, and I
know he wished he did.
He, you know, he didn't want tobe with partnered with someone
he disliked, but uh, you know,that's that's not we hope we
(20:47):
hope not.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:50):
We have a lot of questions about that.
SPEAKER_01 (20:52):
Yeah, yeah, but you know, I've m thankfully I've
moved on and been delivered fromthat.
Yeah.
But um Yeah, it's it's it'sreally something.
So for him to have pulled offthis three-month caper.
The level of deceit with me, youknow, needling him and all, and
(21:17):
he didn't say a word.
Meanwhile, if I had lookedprobably, it would have been
somewhere I could have, youknow, gone snooping.
Thank God you didn't.
No, yeah.
Um, but that's not who I am, youknow.
To snoop, I don't do that.
No.
No.
No.
SPEAKER_00 (21:38):
Okay.
unknown (21:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
I may I want to know stuff, I'll ask.
You do want to know.
But he wore his, he played hiscards close to his vest.
He didn't even, not even a hint.
I'm like, what?
I never could have pulled it.
I never.
I you know me.
(22:00):
I am like Oh my gosh.
I can't wait to get it.
I could have held it for a fewdays.
SPEAKER_02 (22:08):
Don't tell me until a week, a week before the event.
That's it.
Yeah.
Not anything before.
SPEAKER_01 (22:14):
And I said, you know, why if if if you were
waiting, why did you buy it soearly?
Right.
You know, and he said, well, hehe bought it, but he had to get
it sized.
SPEAKER_00 (22:26):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_01 (22:26):
But he also said that, you know, with this house
rental, I was running out ofmoney.
He said he had to get it whilehe had the money for it.
That's good.
Good, that's good.
That's good.
Good choice.
Good choice.
Booyah.
SPEAKER_00 (22:42):
Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_01 (22:44):
So um Yeah, but you know, I'm a little nervous just
about the prospect ofremarrying.
You know, I wanna I wanna do itright this time.
What does that mean?
You know, I I've spent some timethinking about my role in the um
(23:09):
demise of my first marriage.
I'll I'll use it like that.
And I don't I gotta say just fjust from what I know, yeah it
all it's always about twopeople.
Sure.
So I can't completely blame theother person.
So I'm really trying to acceptmy responsibility in it.
(23:31):
And then I don't want to repeatmistakes of the past, which is
why I'm um seeking therapy andtrying to gain more insight
about different behaviors andthings like that, or what could
have gone wrong, or other waysperhaps that we could have been
more productive in handling ourdifferences and things like
that.
I really want to go and stay inthis relationship more open to
(23:58):
um improvements and change andthings like that, because I
admit before, you know, therewas so much dysfunction.
It was so obviously my partner'sissues and problems that he had.
He had may w may way moreproblems with me than I had with
him initially.
(24:19):
You know, I just never thoughtthat he was satisfied, you know.
SPEAKER_02 (24:24):
Right, right.
Right.
Wow.
Oh my goodness.
So do you is it gonna be a longengagement, you think?
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
I do.
SPEAKER_02 (24:37):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (24:38):
Because Well Well, one, like right now our lives
are really upside down with therenovation.
You know, it's it's it's beendisruptive to the household.
SPEAKER_00 (24:50):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (24:51):
Um so we want things to settle down.
SPEAKER_00 (24:54):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (24:55):
In that regard.
And then um I wanna move in andget comfortable and all.
So I really don't want to behere in this state and him in
another state as a m while we'remarried, you know.
So the other thing is that um Iwas telling him how many people
(25:18):
were asking, so when are yougonna get married?
When is the wedding?
When is it?
And he's like, I just gotengaged.
SPEAKER_02 (25:26):
Like five minutes ago.
SPEAKER_01 (25:28):
Relax.
So, you know, I don't think thatthere's a rush necessarily to um
I think next year.
Right.
But I'm gonna sit back and allowhim to be the man in this, you
know, allow him to take the leadbecause he has more ideas and
desires and what he would wantthan I do.
Right.
You know, when he said he wantsa wedding and whatever, I'm
(25:51):
like, uh, do I have to come?
You know?
SPEAKER_02 (25:54):
So you know, I have to kind of so a few times you
said the man and be the man andso on.
Like, how do these um genderroles why what what when you say
I him to be the man, like whatwhat is what is what is that
(26:15):
yeah, you know, versus theperson who hasn't gotten married
before, for example, right?
SPEAKER_01 (26:20):
And so certain things that he might be because
one, we live culturally in asociety of patriarchy.
That's one thing.
SPEAKER_00 (26:29):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (26:30):
And especially around marriages, engagements,
and something, um, very often wesplit our behaviors into gender
roles.
Yeah.
The man, man asks a woman tomarry him, not the other way
around.
Right.
You know, he got on the knee, Ididn't, you know, I accept it.
(26:53):
So what I've heard from him aremore traditional tones and words
about how he would want this tolook, what what he would want
this to look like.
As for me, you know, I'm not umI don't even need a wedding, you
(27:13):
know.
It's it doesn't matter to me.
I would be um more willing to goalong with what he desires
rather than my desire.
So when he says, Let me planthis my way, I'm like good.
And I look at that more as amale idea, you know, or a male
(27:34):
role.
I guess women are into weddingplanning, but because he wants a
wedding and I think he has avision of what he might want it
to be, I'm gonna let him do thatbecause I don't actually.
SPEAKER_02 (27:44):
So that to me sounds like it's not a man thing, it's
a individual thing.
It's uh it's well, it's someonewho wants to plan the wedding.
And you don't think it conformsto traditional Well, just in
this case, men you men um Iwould say um traditionally men
(28:06):
have proposed, but it'snon-traditional for a man to
plan the wedding.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:12):
So Unless the fiance does not want a wedding at all.
SPEAKER_02 (28:21):
Or could do without.
Could do without.
You're you shouldn't have toomany toys.
You really shouldn't have toomany toys.
Well, like, yeah, it's not thatyou don't you you you you're
okay with him planning it.
I am like it when you say youdon't care or doesn't matter to
(28:42):
me.
Why not?
Because it diminishes it to me.
It's exciting.
So you can say he really wantsthat and I'm all for it.
You know, he can have what hewhat he likes, but to say I
don't care, that's kind of well,I'll tell you I don't like it.
SPEAKER_01 (28:58):
If if I were to characterize it, it's more
negative than positive.
I I get that.
It's more scary to me, it's morebothersome, intrusive, it's more
work.
SPEAKER_02 (29:11):
Right.
You know So imagine if somebodywas saying that about something
you were really excited about.
SPEAKER_01 (29:16):
Well, I don't say it to him, and he's not listening.
He's not listening to thisepisode, are you, honey?
SPEAKER_02 (29:24):
Sorry.
I didn't mean it, I just did it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:29):
I mean, I'm not trying to weigh in on his
enthusiasm.
SPEAKER_02 (29:34):
I just want to step out the way because I used to
get so mad at my kids when theywould say things like that.
Like, I don't care, or I'mbored, or those types of things.
SPEAKER_01 (29:48):
Well, how do you express it's not disdain.
How would how is there a moreeffective way to express?
What I what you think I'mfeeling?
SPEAKER_02 (30:02):
Well, one thing, you're you're in therapy, so
there may be some explorationabout why this thing that this
thing that you're doing that isa big deal and it's a big change
for you, why you have all thisnegativity around it.
That's one thing.
And the other thing is for theother person, I know if I was
(30:24):
excited about something and theother person was not, I I might
feel some kind of way, right?
And and even if you don't and sothe the the the the the work to
me is, you know, why am I doingsomething that I really don't
(30:46):
care about?
And that may become, well, it'snot that I don't care about it,
I would just rather not be theone to plan it.
And so you might change the yourlanguage and the way that you
feel about it, because it it youknow what I mean?
So it's it's just a place toexplore versus this is what it
is, and it's gonna stay thisway.
(31:06):
It's a it's a place to explorebecause it's a big deal.
No, no, no.
SPEAKER_01 (31:10):
And you're saying I understand.
I um I don't mind being abystander in it.
Okay, yeah.
You know that's that's better.
Just in five minutes.
SPEAKER_02 (31:20):
That's better.
Because you were like, I don'tcare.
I don't know.
I'm I'm scared and yeah, youknow.
I mean, I'm not I'm saying thesefeelings are real.
SPEAKER_01 (31:33):
Um and I mean, you don't think that I should
express them because they maynot I'll say it a little
differently.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
Yeah, say it a little bit differently.
I'm saying that if you feel thisway, you need to explore why you
feel this way.
Not that you need to be fake.
I mean, why is it even worthexploring?
SPEAKER_01 (31:50):
I mean, there's something you first of all,
yeah, you know that and I thinkI've told this to my therapist a
long time ago, it's the same Iwouldn't want a a large wedding
for the same reason that Iwouldn't want a large birthday
party or any birthday partyreally or celebration.
(32:11):
I don't like being the center ofattention in that way.
You know, so I I that I alreadyknow.
Um You know, obviously because Ilove him, I'm willing to go
along with it.
I'm not gonna be miserable.
I know I'll have a good time andall.
I know that.
I'm the life of a party.
(32:33):
But um but you know, my firstwedding, there were four of us
at the wedding, and two of thepeople were me and my spouse.
And it was it was an elopement.
It was yeah.
Yeah.
So so yeah, it's just was I wasnever that young lady that said,
(32:58):
oh, my wedding is gonna be thisand it's gonna be dancing and
people and this and that, youknow, it was not your shtick.
That's not my shtick.
I'll I'll I'll host the hell outof a party for somebody else
though.
SPEAKER_02 (33:16):
Yeah, put some of that, those sprinkles on it.
Like, I'm gonna pretend it's hisparty and I'm gonna host the
hell out of it.
Yes.
Anyway, I'm so excited for you.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Um, and I am uh it's it's yourenergy is came through the
(33:40):
phone, it's coming through thescreen.
Um you deserve it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:47):
He is done.
He really is.
You just wait.
I said to him like completelyendorsed, you know, because I
really haven't mentioned hisname.
I don't post any pictures of usor whatever.
I said, you know, I'm gonna gopublic with this and I'm gonna
start calling you out.
He says, Okay.
I'm like, okay, really?
Because he's so private.
(34:08):
That's why I thought he waskidding when he was in front of
everybody and like, let me getdown on one knee.
I can't believe it the more Ithink about it.
I gotta see the video.
It's like, did this reallyhappen?
I'm like, what?
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
That's so amazing.
We were walking through theairport.
SPEAKER_01 (34:25):
He really was.
We were walking through theairport.
He's dapping and slapping andtold us after, like, you know,
the f we're hugging, andeverybody's like, oh, I'm so
happy for you.
You should see.
I'm just getting such a responseand like, oh folks.
(34:48):
My um, my um one of my closecoworkers, she's like, I'm
inviting myself to the wedding.
Just tell me when.
Cheryl said, um, I said, I saidyes.
She said, we said yes.
SPEAKER_02 (35:04):
That part.
We had a different conversationthe last time.
We won't go into it now.
You did ask us, and we did tellyou.
SPEAKER_01 (35:14):
Oh, yeah.
What do you think?
Well, you know, when you asksomebody a question, well, what
do you think about and they theysay they do the how should I say
this?
That's never a good start.
They gotta figure out howthey're gonna say.
SPEAKER_02 (35:36):
So anyway.
Oh my goodness.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great news?
SPEAKER_01 (35:40):
Yeah, I'm really happy.
It's one of the so now it's likewe gotta put that aside and
finish this house.
It's been, we didn't realize wehave been dealing with this for
a year.
That's when we found thearchitect, October of last year.
SPEAKER_02 (35:55):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (35:56):
So we have to do that.
They put the drywall up.
SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
Yeah, wow.
SPEAKER_01 (36:03):
But there's only drywall, you know.
Right, right.
And they still have uh upstairsto do and all of that.
So my fiance thinks that it'sgonna finish next week or the
end of next week.
My financer.
My finance.
(36:25):
Oh, that's so that's so cool.
He's all his friends have seenthe ring.
Wow.
I'm like, this man has beendoing the tour.
It's beautiful, leaving me out.
Let him let him do his thing.
Exactly.
Let him do his thing.
But this is such a great time.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Lord.
This is a wonderful time.
It's a blessing.
SPEAKER_02 (36:46):
It really is.
It really is.
Anyway.
All right.
SPEAKER_01 (36:51):
I'm good.
SPEAKER_02 (36:52):
I'm gonna be cheesing the whole rest of the
night.
SPEAKER_01 (36:55):
I'm good.
I'm exhausted.
It's like with the travel, backto work, this and that.
But it's a good exhausted.
SPEAKER_00 (37:02):
Good.
SPEAKER_01 (37:02):
And uh I talked to wait, I just gotta tell you, I
talked to Mari this evening.
And he said that uh he I've beentelling my coworkers about it,
and uh they said,congratulations.
And he says that um it's funnybecause he's he said over the
years he's never thought orpined like, oh, I wish my
(37:26):
parents were married, or oh, Iwish my parents were together,
or this.
He says he never wished forthat.
He always just wanted them to behappy.
So he said that he he likes thefact that we're getting married,
but that's not the big part.
The biggest part of it is thateach of us are happy and we hang
out and do things together, andwe're you know, we're sharing
(37:49):
our lives together again, andhe's not seen us together really
like that um for many, manyyears.
SPEAKER_02 (37:56):
So right, right, right.
That's awesome, isn't it?
I love it.
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (38:01):
Full circle.
I love it.
All right, thank you forindulging me.
I just had to gush.
I had to gush.
Gush away you deserve a full ongush.
So this has been another episodeof Black Boomer Besties from
(38:22):
Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_00 (38:23):
Brooklyn
Hey and hey Les.
SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
How's it going?
unknown (00:06):
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01 (00:07):
It's going really good.
SPEAKER_02 (00:09):
I'm happy for you.
We have some big news.
I have news.
Yeah.
I'd like to say we could listen.
We.
Yes, we two.
We all in this together.
We have some big news.
All right, tell them where weare so we can have good news.
SPEAKER_01 (00:29):
Good news.
So welcome to another episode ofBlack Boomer Besties from
Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_02 (00:36):
I'm Angela, and that's Leslie, my best friend of
almost 50 years.
We are two free thinking60-something-year-old black
women who have decided to livewith more joy and more boldness
in our lives.
And we invite you to join us onour journey, but even more
importantly, to hop on or speedup, accelerate your journey as
(01:01):
well.
Yes.
Today we're going to share somebig news and we're going to talk
about the feelings.
All the feelings around thenews.
SPEAKER_01 (01:08):
So we've been talking about a little bit about
this.
SPEAKER_02 (01:12):
Can I tell them how I found out?
Okay.
So yesterday was my birthday.
I turned 63 because Leslie ismuch older than me.
She's we want to say happybirthday to you.
(01:33):
And um my sister and my niecewere visiting.
Um and we decided to get icecream after our dinner.
This was on Sunday.
So we're riding, I get a callfrom Les.
I know she's in Florida, butwe've already checked in.
I know she's good.
We got there okay.
(01:53):
She's hanging out with thefamily.
And she called a few times, andI thought she was butt calling
me because every time I hung Ianswered, I would hear nothing.
I didn't even notice that it wasa FaceTime call.
I just, okay.
It's a butt time.
Anyway, third time, I I answeredsomething.
(02:18):
I gotta tell you something.
You gotta get on FaceTime.
I said, I'm driving, I can't.
Who else is in the car?
My sister, my niece are in thecar.
SPEAKER_01 (02:27):
No, you said, I'll I'll I'll FaceTime you when I
get to the ice cream.
When are you gonna have that icecream?
10 minutes.
We don't have 10 minutes.
I said, who else is in the car?
SPEAKER_02 (02:40):
So um my sister's phone was dead.
My niece, of course, she hasAuntie Leslie's number.
Um, and did she call you or didyou call her?
I forget.
SPEAKER_01 (02:51):
I called her, I think.
SPEAKER_02 (02:53):
Okay, okay.
And then handed, like put thephone in front.
My sister is holding the phone.
We're we're three of us in thecar now, and Leslie announces.
SPEAKER_01 (03:04):
I'm like, and he got on one knee, asked me to marry
him, and I said yes.
SPEAKER_02 (03:18):
Can you make the make the fireworks go?
It was it was make the fireworksgo.
Make it I should have pulledover.
Because I got an immediate,like, you know, when you get a
rush of excitement and the head,I gotta so, I gotta so, I gotta
so.
SPEAKER_01 (03:35):
It's a little big, I gotta get it sized.
Isn't she pretty?
SPEAKER_02 (03:40):
She is beautiful and what gorgeous hands.
SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
Wow.
I had to put my move my auraring.
Oh, you weirdo.
So and I had to get my nailsdone too.
But I'm just so happy.
I can't listen, I was sosurprised.
I thought you I thought he was Ithought he was joking.
(04:09):
Like, you know, because he usedthe opportunity to go down with
me to my house in Florida.
I went because my uncle and mycousins were gonna visit my mom.
So it was gonna be like a a minifamily reunion.
And I said to Rick, I said, youknow, I hope you're able to
come.
(04:29):
It was iffy because we'regetting the house renovated and
they're contractors andelectricians and plumber and
stuff every day.
So it's been a little hard forhim to get away.
So when he was able to get away,I was like, oh, this is great.
He'll get to meet my uncle andmeet the rest of my cousins who
he hasn't met yet, and all ofthat.
(04:51):
Um I found out later that Ifound out so many things later.
SPEAKER_02 (04:57):
You know I didn't know, right?
Because I I would have kept asecret, but I had no idea.
I'm a little surprised he didn'ttell you.
I had no, I'm not surprised, tobe honest, because people don't
know.
SPEAKER_01 (05:08):
They don't know that they knew the secret yet.
SPEAKER_02 (05:10):
And maybe he didn't want me to have the pressure of
it.
You know, I'm gonna give him alot of grace, but I did not
know.
So I did not know.
SPEAKER_01 (05:19):
Apparently, this man bought this ring three months
ago.
SPEAKER_02 (05:24):
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (05:25):
He's been sitting on this all this time.
I could never hold the secretthat long.
I would just be hinting andlike, there might be a box in
your future.
Maybe.
SPEAKER_02 (05:38):
Or instead, he was saying it may be a year or two
years.
SPEAKER_01 (05:42):
Why don't you do your nails?
You might, you might need tohave your nails done.
I would have done there's no wayfor three months.
So he asked his sister to comewith him while he went ring
shopping.
Wow.
And she they went.
Right.
He actually picked out a ring,sat on it, held it for three
(06:06):
weeks about.
Right.
And before the end of the returnperiod, he's like, nah, I don't
like it.
And and returned it.
And his sister said, nah, Ididn't like that either.
So they they picked this oneout.
Oh, it's beautiful.
It looks so beautiful.
It's a little big, it's loose, Igotta get it sized.
But I love it.
It's gorgeous.
(06:26):
But moreover, I love a couple ofthings.
I love the fact that he knewthis was something that was
important to me.
I told him several months agothat I wanted him to marry me.
I wanted to marry him.
I wanted us to get married.
But um the other thing, I don'tknow if I've mentioned it, I
(06:53):
probably have not, not on thepodcast, but he has reminded me
frequently that he asked me tomarry him 40 years ago.
And I said no.
unknown (07:04):
Oh wow.
SPEAKER_01 (07:06):
That's right.
You know, but the thing, I'lltell you.
Wow.
SPEAKER_02 (07:10):
Can we just sit on that a little bit?
That is such a story.
I can't wait to read yourmemoir.
SPEAKER_01 (07:19):
And and and he has never married.
Um yeah, I would not say he waswaiting for me.
I think what we both decidedthat when we were both available
for each other, let's not letthis get away.
(07:42):
We really respected the love andthe bond that we've had for this
time.
Now, I say this in a way that Ihope people understand because I
was married for um a number ofyears to someone else, and there
was never any infidelity or anycanoodling with Ricardo or
(08:04):
anything.
I respected him as Omari's dad,but we always um cared for each
other, you know.
I've always known he's cared forme.
And I am the type of person thatI can certainly care for someone
in the proper place, and I don'thave to be with everyone that I
care for, of course.
That's right.
That's right.
(08:24):
So we've enjoyed a goodrelationship these 45 years that
we've known each other.
And um, when my divorce wasfinal, um, we spent more time
together and realized that, youknow, we let each other get away
years ago.
We're not making that mistakeagain.
SPEAKER_02 (08:44):
You let him get away.
SPEAKER_01 (08:46):
That's how that went down.
Yeah, that's how I let her getaway.
But I recognize that it wouldn'thave worked back then.
Right.
I wouldn't have been saying shewas a different person.
Exactly.
And the people that we are rightnow, we're um we're it's just
lovely.
It's just so comfortable, andhe's so caring and attentive,
(09:10):
and I'm not I can go on and on,but I won't.
SPEAKER_02 (09:16):
And you're letting him.
That's what I noticed, that youare letting him.
And that's new for me.
I we've talked about it here.
SPEAKER_01 (09:24):
That's new for me.
We've talked about it, yes.
I would have just as well, youknow, planned or not had an
engagement or not had a ring orno wedding or this or that, you
know.
I'm like, uh I'm not that fancyfor the ritual of it all.
(09:46):
Right, right.
But um he once, when wediscussed it, he said, you know,
let I've never been marriedbefore.
Let me do things my way.
And let me be the man in this.
And I said, Oh, oh, you know, Icouldn't argue with that.
unknown (10:02):
You know.
SPEAKER_01 (10:03):
Well, you could, but you chose not to.
SPEAKER_02 (10:05):
You controlled your natural instinct.
SPEAKER_01 (10:10):
You know, because he said, You've experienced this
before.
I haven't.
So I want to do things the waythat I dream it to be.
SPEAKER_00 (10:17):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_01 (10:18):
And um there was some ruse my mother pulled up
about uh, hey, everybody, comehere, sit close to the table.
I need to tell you something.
And I admit, I rolled my eyes,I'm like, oh, here we go.
I didn't know here we go.
She was about to give it away.
She has no because she does notknow how to do it, but you guys
(10:40):
know that.
Listen, the man was talking, andshe started to say, like in the
middle of talking, like, oh,wait till you see it.
Wait till you see it.
And my cousin had to say to him,Could you let him finish?
Oh no.
That's my mom.
unknown (10:57):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
I should have let him know.
If ever you were to ask for myhand and propos, and she's
there, don't tell her early.
So anyway.
Yeah.
So he he, you know, she startedtalking and then he talking.
(11:19):
Thank you for coming.
I'm glad to meet everybody andall of this, he says.
And um, and then he startedtelling about how long he's
loved me, and we're glad thathe's glad that we're together
and this.
And then, you know, he's talland I'm sitting, and he says,
(11:41):
you know, I'm a little tall.
Let me get down here to yourheight.
And then he says, wait, whichknee should I get on?
And he got on his right knee.
He said, Wait, which knee?
And he got on his right knee.
And then he took, he had a uhright next to him, a saucer
turned upside down over the redbox.
(12:02):
And I almost moved the saucer,you know, when I came to the
table, because I'm like, why isthis over here?
We we're not eating anymore.
Who would turn this upside down?
He probably would have hit myhand.
But anyway.
So, um so and then he says, so Irealized, and I gotta see the
(12:27):
video because I was juststunned.
I couldn't believe it.
My I had my face covered.
I was like, what?
And and then he says, you know,will you marry me?
And then you know me, I alwayswear a thousand rings.
I had to take off all the ringsfrom my finger, and he's like,
put the ring on.
I like, I gotta take these offfirst.
And I said, Yes.
(12:48):
Oh my goodness.
And then the smith I'm still inshock.
I can't get over it.
Oh my goodness.
Because he kind of saidsomething like, Well, maybe next
year, you know.
And I was being patient, and Iwas like, okay, you know, next
year when the house is finishedand he's ready, and this, and I
(13:12):
ca at first I thought he was alittle afraid, yeah, you know, a
little tentative, like, and thenyou know, you often wonder, is
it me?
You know, does he not want tomarry me?
SPEAKER_00 (13:23):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (13:24):
Or you know what I mean?
You start your head startsthinking of so many things.
I knew I knew into our firstyear, I think, of being
together, that um I did not wantto let him get away again.
SPEAKER_02 (13:41):
You know, well, you survived Costa Rica.
SPEAKER_01 (13:45):
Oh my god, and Tortuguer.
SPEAKER_02 (13:48):
He got you through that, yeah.
Well, that's beautiful, Les.
I'm telling you, I I I woke upthe next day feeling the
excitement like in my body, eventhough I wasn't I'm like,
something has shifted in theworld.
SPEAKER_01 (14:01):
What is it?
Yeah, I just for the first twodays I just kept shaking my
head.
I can't believe it.
And then even that night hesaid, as I was telling my
fiance, I'm like, what?
He's been practicing.
unknown (14:18):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (14:19):
He said that.
Oh my gosh.
Have you said it yet?
SPEAKER_01 (14:23):
No.
No.
I s I think I've referred to himone more time as my partner.
Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_02 (14:29):
You can sell both words.
It's so much more than specific.
It I know, I know.
It's the yeah, it's it's it'slike pregnant with anticipation
when you say it like that.
It's like because something'scoming.
SPEAKER_01 (14:44):
Oh man.
So I'm amazing.
So so obviously now that it'sgetting more real, I have some
thoughts and some musings.
Okay.
So great word.
This will be my second marriage.
And I was wondering like what orhow my mindset has changed
(15:09):
between the time that I'mpreparing for uh life with this
man versus I'm trying to thinkback of some of the thoughts
that I had twenty plus years agowhen I first married um my prior
spouse.
You know, and I wasn't young atthe time, but I do notice a
(15:33):
difference.
One of the things is that mydefinition of love has changed a
little bit.
You know, it's almost I don'twant it to sound um weird or
anything, but I uh recognize nowthat love is more the verb than
(15:58):
the noun adjective.
Or, you know, it's is it nownyor verb?
It's more it's m way more of averb.
Um because obviously what is theadjective?
SPEAKER_02 (16:13):
Tell me what is that well like Loving something about
someone or versus loving themkind of thing?
SPEAKER_01 (16:22):
Um I don't know, you know, that that's a good
question.
I'll I'll get back to that.
But what I mean is I'm using itas an adjective as a descriptor
of feelings.
Okay.
So I'm used to hearing, oh Ilove you.
Oh I love you, I love you.
(16:45):
And it becomes almost rote,almost um compulsory before you
leave the house, love you, youknow.
You know, and in the absence ofthe behaviors that are the l in
(17:06):
the absence of loving behaviors,it really starts to ring hollow.
SPEAKER_02 (17:12):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (17:13):
Um likewise the peck on the cheek and the love you,
okay, you know.
Um I say I love you now and whenI give even the peck on the
cheek, it's different.
It's different.
Um one of the things, one of theways in which I show my love in
(17:39):
in addition to saying it, is Ireally try to show him how much
I appreciate him and our beingtogether.
I feel lucky being with him.
You know, I feel fortunate.
And when we're together becausewe still live separately in uh
(18:02):
different places um when we'retogether, I really make a um I
make an effort to m um to showhim that he's special to me.
You know.
Yeah.
(18:23):
And and one of the things that Irecognize is that, you know, in
longer term relationships,sometimes you lose that, like
where you'll sit next to eachother and put your hand on, you
know, not in a sexual way, butput your hand on the thigh or
the leg or just touch yourshoulder or y something like
(18:45):
that.
I um I want to keep that goingas long as possible.
SPEAKER_00 (18:51):
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (18:52):
You know.
Sure, yeah.
And and I think one of thethings that's different about
getting married again at mymiddle age at 63, and certainly
for the second time, it's arecognition of the um of how
(19:13):
short, relatively short a timecompressed our time left is.
So you we really want to it'salmost like not wasted.
SPEAKER_00 (19:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:26):
Because some folks say, um, I've noticed this about
your relationship as well, youknow, it's like you feel almost
like we probably would havetaken it slower 15 years ago.
Yeah.
unknown (19:42):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (19:42):
But when you get to be our age and in our stage,
when you know, you know.
I agree.
You know, you don't have toquestion yourself as often as
you used to when you were young.
Is it real?
Is he real?
You you're able to detectauthenticity a little bit better
(20:03):
and not get confused about lustversus the deep-seated love and
a joy-filled relationship.
And what's wonderful about it,and I feel blessed and lucky, is
that I feel that.
And I have someone whoreciprocates those feelings.
You know, I've I've mentionedbefore my prior spouse, he
(20:27):
didn't like me.
You know, which is is is sad fornot just for me, but for for him
too.
He was in a marriage where withsomeone he didn't like, and I
know he wished he did.
He, you know, he didn't want tobe with partnered with someone
he disliked, but uh, you know,that's that's not we hope we
(20:47):
hope not.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (20:50):
We have a lot of questions about that.
SPEAKER_01 (20:52):
Yeah, yeah, but you know, I've m thankfully I've
moved on and been delivered fromthat.
Yeah.
But um Yeah, it's it's it'sreally something.
So for him to have pulled offthis three-month caper.
The level of deceit with me, youknow, needling him and all, and
(21:17):
he didn't say a word.
Meanwhile, if I had lookedprobably, it would have been
somewhere I could have, youknow, gone snooping.
Thank God you didn't.
No, yeah.
Um, but that's not who I am, youknow.
To snoop, I don't do that.
No.
No.
No.
SPEAKER_00 (21:38):
Okay.
unknown (21:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (21:40):
I may I want to know stuff, I'll ask.
You do want to know.
But he wore his, he played hiscards close to his vest.
He didn't even, not even a hint.
I'm like, what?
I never could have pulled it.
I never.
I you know me.
(22:00):
I am like Oh my gosh.
I can't wait to get it.
I could have held it for a fewdays.
SPEAKER_02 (22:08):
Don't tell me until a week, a week before the event.
That's it.
Yeah.
Not anything before.
SPEAKER_01 (22:14):
And I said, you know, why if if if you were
waiting, why did you buy it soearly?
Right.
You know, and he said, well, hehe bought it, but he had to get
it sized.
SPEAKER_00 (22:26):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_01 (22:26):
But he also said that, you know, with this house
rental, I was running out ofmoney.
He said he had to get it whilehe had the money for it.
That's good.
Good, that's good.
That's good.
Good choice.
Good choice.
Booyah.
SPEAKER_00 (22:42):
Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_01 (22:44):
So um Yeah, but you know, I'm a little nervous just
about the prospect ofremarrying.
You know, I wanna I wanna do itright this time.
What does that mean?
You know, I I've spent some timethinking about my role in the um
(23:09):
demise of my first marriage.
I'll I'll use it like that.
And I don't I gotta say just fjust from what I know, yeah it
all it's always about twopeople.
Sure.
So I can't completely blame theother person.
So I'm really trying to acceptmy responsibility in it.
(23:31):
And then I don't want to repeatmistakes of the past, which is
why I'm um seeking therapy andtrying to gain more insight
about different behaviors andthings like that, or what could
have gone wrong, or other waysperhaps that we could have been
more productive in handling ourdifferences and things like
that.
I really want to go and stay inthis relationship more open to
(23:58):
um improvements and change andthings like that, because I
admit before, you know, therewas so much dysfunction.
It was so obviously my partner'sissues and problems that he had.
He had may w may way moreproblems with me than I had with
him initially.
(24:19):
You know, I just never thoughtthat he was satisfied, you know.
SPEAKER_02 (24:24):
Right, right.
Right.
Wow.
Oh my goodness.
So do you is it gonna be a longengagement, you think?
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
I do.
SPEAKER_02 (24:37):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (24:38):
Because Well Well, one, like right now our lives
are really upside down with therenovation.
You know, it's it's it's beendisruptive to the household.
SPEAKER_00 (24:50):
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01 (24:51):
Um so we want things to settle down.
SPEAKER_00 (24:54):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (24:55):
In that regard.
And then um I wanna move in andget comfortable and all.
So I really don't want to behere in this state and him in
another state as a m while we'remarried, you know.
So the other thing is that um Iwas telling him how many people
(25:18):
were asking, so when are yougonna get married?
When is the wedding?
When is it?
And he's like, I just gotengaged.
SPEAKER_02 (25:26):
Like five minutes ago.
SPEAKER_01 (25:28):
Relax.
So, you know, I don't think thatthere's a rush necessarily to um
I think next year.
Right.
But I'm gonna sit back and allowhim to be the man in this, you
know, allow him to take the leadbecause he has more ideas and
desires and what he would wantthan I do.
Right.
You know, when he said he wantsa wedding and whatever, I'm
(25:51):
like, uh, do I have to come?
You know?
SPEAKER_02 (25:54):
So you know, I have to kind of so a few times you
said the man and be the man andso on.
Like, how do these um genderroles why what what when you say
I him to be the man, like whatwhat is what is what is that
(26:15):
yeah, you know, versus theperson who hasn't gotten married
before, for example, right?
SPEAKER_01 (26:20):
And so certain things that he might be because
one, we live culturally in asociety of patriarchy.
That's one thing.
SPEAKER_00 (26:29):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (26:30):
And especially around marriages, engagements,
and something, um, very often wesplit our behaviors into gender
roles.
Yeah.
The man, man asks a woman tomarry him, not the other way
around.
Right.
You know, he got on the knee, Ididn't, you know, I accept it.
(26:53):
So what I've heard from him aremore traditional tones and words
about how he would want this tolook, what what he would want
this to look like.
As for me, you know, I'm not umI don't even need a wedding, you
(27:13):
know.
It's it doesn't matter to me.
I would be um more willing to goalong with what he desires
rather than my desire.
So when he says, Let me planthis my way, I'm like good.
And I look at that more as amale idea, you know, or a male
(27:34):
role.
I guess women are into weddingplanning, but because he wants a
wedding and I think he has avision of what he might want it
to be, I'm gonna let him do thatbecause I don't actually.
SPEAKER_02 (27:44):
So that to me sounds like it's not a man thing, it's
a individual thing.
It's uh it's well, it's someonewho wants to plan the wedding.
And you don't think it conformsto traditional Well, just in
this case, men you men um Iwould say um traditionally men
(28:06):
have proposed, but it'snon-traditional for a man to
plan the wedding.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (28:12):
So Unless the fiance does not want a wedding at all.
SPEAKER_02 (28:21):
Or could do without.
Could do without.
You're you shouldn't have toomany toys.
You really shouldn't have toomany toys.
Well, like, yeah, it's not thatyou don't you you you you're
okay with him planning it.
I am like it when you say youdon't care or doesn't matter to
(28:42):
me.
Why not?
Because it diminishes it to me.
It's exciting.
So you can say he really wantsthat and I'm all for it.
You know, he can have what hewhat he likes, but to say I
don't care, that's kind of well,I'll tell you I don't like it.
SPEAKER_01 (28:58):
If if I were to characterize it, it's more
negative than positive.
I I get that.
It's more scary to me, it's morebothersome, intrusive, it's more
work.
SPEAKER_02 (29:11):
Right.
You know So imagine if somebodywas saying that about something
you were really excited about.
SPEAKER_01 (29:16):
Well, I don't say it to him, and he's not listening.
He's not listening to thisepisode, are you, honey?
SPEAKER_02 (29:24):
Sorry.
I didn't mean it, I just did it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:29):
I mean, I'm not trying to weigh in on his
enthusiasm.
SPEAKER_02 (29:34):
I just want to step out the way because I used to
get so mad at my kids when theywould say things like that.
Like, I don't care, or I'mbored, or those types of things.
SPEAKER_01 (29:48):
Well, how do you express it's not disdain.
How would how is there a moreeffective way to express?
What I what you think I'mfeeling?
SPEAKER_02 (30:02):
Well, one thing, you're you're in therapy, so
there may be some explorationabout why this thing that this
thing that you're doing that isa big deal and it's a big change
for you, why you have all thisnegativity around it.
That's one thing.
And the other thing is for theother person, I know if I was
(30:24):
excited about something and theother person was not, I I might
feel some kind of way, right?
And and even if you don't and sothe the the the the the work to
me is, you know, why am I doingsomething that I really don't
(30:46):
care about?
And that may become, well, it'snot that I don't care about it,
I would just rather not be theone to plan it.
And so you might change the yourlanguage and the way that you
feel about it, because it it youknow what I mean?
So it's it's just a place toexplore versus this is what it
is, and it's gonna stay thisway.
(31:06):
It's a it's a place to explorebecause it's a big deal.
No, no, no.
SPEAKER_01 (31:10):
And you're saying I understand.
I um I don't mind being abystander in it.
Okay, yeah.
You know that's that's better.
Just in five minutes.
SPEAKER_02 (31:20):
That's better.
Because you were like, I don'tcare.
I don't know.
I'm I'm scared and yeah, youknow.
I mean, I'm not I'm saying thesefeelings are real.
SPEAKER_01 (31:33):
Um and I mean, you don't think that I should
express them because they maynot I'll say it a little
differently.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
Yeah, say it a little bit differently.
I'm saying that if you feel thisway, you need to explore why you
feel this way.
Not that you need to be fake.
I mean, why is it even worthexploring?
SPEAKER_01 (31:50):
I mean, there's something you first of all,
yeah, you know that and I thinkI've told this to my therapist a
long time ago, it's the same Iwouldn't want a a large wedding
for the same reason that Iwouldn't want a large birthday
party or any birthday partyreally or celebration.
(32:11):
I don't like being the center ofattention in that way.
You know, so I I that I alreadyknow.
Um You know, obviously because Ilove him, I'm willing to go
along with it.
I'm not gonna be miserable.
I know I'll have a good time andall.
I know that.
I'm the life of a party.
(32:33):
But um but you know, my firstwedding, there were four of us
at the wedding, and two of thepeople were me and my spouse.
And it was it was an elopement.
It was yeah.
Yeah.
So so yeah, it's just was I wasnever that young lady that said,
(32:58):
oh, my wedding is gonna be thisand it's gonna be dancing and
people and this and that, youknow, it was not your shtick.
That's not my shtick.
I'll I'll I'll host the hell outof a party for somebody else
though.
SPEAKER_02 (33:16):
Yeah, put some of that, those sprinkles on it.
Like, I'm gonna pretend it's hisparty and I'm gonna host the
hell out of it.
Yes.
Anyway, I'm so excited for you.
It's gonna be a lot of fun.
Um, and I am uh it's it's yourenergy is came through the
(33:40):
phone, it's coming through thescreen.
Um you deserve it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:47):
He is done.
He really is.
You just wait.
I said to him like completelyendorsed, you know, because I
really haven't mentioned hisname.
I don't post any pictures of usor whatever.
I said, you know, I'm gonna gopublic with this and I'm gonna
start calling you out.
He says, Okay.
I'm like, okay, really?
Because he's so private.
(34:08):
That's why I thought he waskidding when he was in front of
everybody and like, let me getdown on one knee.
I can't believe it the more Ithink about it.
I gotta see the video.
It's like, did this reallyhappen?
I'm like, what?
SPEAKER_02 (34:21):
That's so amazing.
We were walking through theairport.
SPEAKER_01 (34:25):
He really was.
We were walking through theairport.
He's dapping and slapping andtold us after, like, you know,
the f we're hugging, andeverybody's like, oh, I'm so
happy for you.
You should see.
I'm just getting such a responseand like, oh folks.
(34:48):
My um, my um one of my closecoworkers, she's like, I'm
inviting myself to the wedding.
Just tell me when.
Cheryl said, um, I said, I saidyes.
She said, we said yes.
SPEAKER_02 (35:04):
That part.
We had a different conversationthe last time.
We won't go into it now.
You did ask us, and we did tellyou.
SPEAKER_01 (35:14):
Oh, yeah.
What do you think?
Well, you know, when you asksomebody a question, well, what
do you think about and they theysay they do the how should I say
this?
That's never a good start.
They gotta figure out howthey're gonna say.
SPEAKER_02 (35:36):
So anyway.
Oh my goodness.
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great news?
SPEAKER_01 (35:40):
Yeah, I'm really happy.
It's one of the so now it's likewe gotta put that aside and
finish this house.
It's been, we didn't realize wehave been dealing with this for
a year.
That's when we found thearchitect, October of last year.
SPEAKER_02 (35:55):
Wow.
SPEAKER_01 (35:56):
So we have to do that.
They put the drywall up.
SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
Yeah, wow.
SPEAKER_01 (36:03):
But there's only drywall, you know.
Right, right.
And they still have uh upstairsto do and all of that.
So my fiance thinks that it'sgonna finish next week or the
end of next week.
My financer.
My finance.
(36:25):
Oh, that's so that's so cool.
He's all his friends have seenthe ring.
Wow.
I'm like, this man has beendoing the tour.
It's beautiful, leaving me out.
Let him let him do his thing.
Exactly.
Let him do his thing.
But this is such a great time.
Thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Lord.
This is a wonderful time.
It's a blessing.
SPEAKER_02 (36:46):
It really is.
It really is.
Anyway.
All right.
SPEAKER_01 (36:51):
I'm good.
SPEAKER_02 (36:52):
I'm gonna be cheesing the whole rest of the
night.
SPEAKER_01 (36:55):
I'm good.
I'm exhausted.
It's like with the travel, backto work, this and that.
But it's a good exhausted.
SPEAKER_00 (37:02):
Good.
SPEAKER_01 (37:02):
And uh I talked to wait, I just gotta tell you, I
talked to Mari this evening.
And he said that uh he I've beentelling my coworkers about it,
and uh they said,congratulations.
And he says that um it's funnybecause he's he said over the
years he's never thought orpined like, oh, I wish my
(37:26):
parents were married, or oh, Iwish my parents were together,
or this.
He says he never wished forthat.
He always just wanted them to behappy.
So he said that he he likes thefact that we're getting married,
but that's not the big part.
The biggest part of it is thateach of us are happy and we hang
out and do things together, andwe're you know, we're sharing
(37:49):
our lives together again, andhe's not seen us together really
like that um for many, manyyears.
SPEAKER_02 (37:56):
So right, right, right.
That's awesome, isn't it?
I love it.
I love it.
SPEAKER_01 (38:01):
Full circle.
I love it.
All right, thank you forindulging me.
I just had to gush.
I had to gush.
Gush away you deserve a full ongush.
So this has been another episodeof Black Boomer Besties from
(38:22):
Brooklyn.
SPEAKER_00 (38:23):
Brooklyn
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