July 8, 2025 • 42 mins
What makes friendships last? The Besties have not only been blessed with their long-standing relationship, but have many others that are intact since elementary school.
They change, yes, but there are some key components that make them last. This week’s episode explores the boundaries, curations, and grace that are behind their friendship successes.
Some topics covered:
• Zero tolerance for gossip and strict confidentiality are core values in their friendship culture
• Learning when to offer validation versus objective perspective takes time in any relationship
• The "urgency of now" reminds us to prioritize meaningful connections in our later years
• A practical friendship filter: would you allow your children to spend time with this person?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey Aunt, Showtime.
Hey Leslie, How's it going?
Speaker 2 (00:08):
It is going well.
Today's a good day.
It is a good day.
It's a warm day.
You know I love the heat.
You do it's uh, yeah, today's areally good day.
I started to go more intodetail, but that's my own
personal business.
That's your own personalbusiness About who's in the next
room waiting for me.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
And we never talk about our personal business here
.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Okay, groucho, my cool drink of water.
How about that?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Okay, groucho, yeah, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Hey, so welcome to another episode of Black Boomer
Besties from Brooklyn.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm Angela and that's Leslie, my best friend of
almost 50 years.
We're two free-thinking60-something-year-old women who
have decided we have committedto living our lives with more
bold action and more joy, and weinvite you to join us in doing
(01:12):
so yourself.
Join us by listening to ourpodcast.
Join us by embracing a joyfullifestyle.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
And also they can join us by reading your book,
because your book we can talkmore about that later, but it
really does outline some of thethings that we find important as
joy living older women, so wecan talk about that a little bit
(01:42):
later.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
So today we're going to be talking about friendships
and how we have curated ourfriendships, what kind of
filters we use to decide who'sin and who's out, how we
developed, how we developed alevel of confidence around doing
(02:07):
that Right, because we weren'talways this way, trust me, where
we felt like we had the powerto decide who we had in our
circle and who didn't, so we'regoing to talk about some of
those things today.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
You want to talk about how this conversation came
up, because obviously we'vebeen best friends.
We speak.
You know what I was recentlyasking Rick.
I said to him do you know whatit is?
Can you name something that Ido every single day?
And he really couldn't.
But you know it was you.
(02:46):
You know something like not theobvious.
So I came up with two.
I said name two things that Ido every, every single day.
One of the things is I drinkcoffee every single day.
Yeah, and I told him.
The other thing is I speak toangie every single day yeah,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So we, we have this topic come up.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
How did it come up?
It just came up like a day orso ago.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Sure.
So it came up and you know, weinvite you into our lives as we
um, as we kind of reflect on howwe came to be these two people
and this friendship and, um, thekind of nuggets that we
recognize that we want to sharewith you.
So what came up is that we were, um, we were discussing a
(03:38):
couple of our friends who werehaving some, who are having some
conflict, and we were kind oflooking at that and trying to
figure out why, also looking atwhy those things don't tend to
(04:01):
happen with us with us, leslieand I, but also with us more
broadly, because with our circleyeah, we have, obviously,
leslie and I have friends incommon, but we also have um
friend groups that are not umconnected, right, and so we
(04:25):
started looking at that and westarted thinking about um.
I think you used an analogy, um,you'll have to remember it, but
it was something around.
I'll tell you yeah, go ahead.
What was the?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
analogy, before we even go in that direction.
What you're forgetting is thatI think what preceded even that
observation about the two ofthose people in conflict we were
.
You had just had a nice longconversation with one of our
mutual friends and you weretelling me how nice and how the
conversation went.
And I says you know, isn't itnice that, how special is it
(05:01):
that we have that deepconnection with our circle?
Yeah, and I said, you know, andthese people are very different
people, very different Yet, andstill we always feel the love
and the connection that we havewith them whenever we're in
(05:21):
communication with them.
And I think that's what it isand it's like well, why is that?
Is that a coincidence that allof our different friends, we
have that connection?
And I said no, ang, if youthink about it, these folks have
been handpicked and weeded outover the years so that the
(05:42):
people who remain in our closecircle, they've been vetted
Right, they've been vetted.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
That's very true.
That's very true.
I forgot that part, so what?
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I said, is that the analogy is like why is it that
we're in a hospital and thereare all these sick people?
Because that's where the sickpeople go.
You know what I mean.
So the people who love us,they're the people that are here
.
Yeah, and that's what werecognized and prompted this
(06:17):
conversation and this episode.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Yeah, and I think the extension of that because that
was definitely where it allbegan and the extension of it
was in this conflict like theseare not the type of conflicts
(06:41):
that come up with with us right,there's a net right here.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah, Well he's not making a camera appearance, so
he might be bothering you, but Idon't see it.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
If you see me like blinking like that, he got me
Remember when I was recordingand one flew in my mouth and I
was trying to play it off and Iwas just.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I remember that.
But anyway, don't fly in hermouth.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
So so.
So the things that we we wantedto talk about and kind of bring
to the surface for yourconsumption is the fact that we
do curate that over the years,yeah, we have created some
(07:31):
filters that have weeded peopleout.
Because what I like to remindpeople who look at us, look at
our friendship, look atdifferent aspects of our lives
and think, oh my God, we listen.
First of all, we haven'tarrived at our destination yet.
We won't do that until the Lordcalls us home.
(07:53):
Right, we're on, we're on thisjourney Right, and where we are
now is not where we were, youknow, 10 years ago, five years
ago, 20 years ago for sure.
Right, and so we weren't alwaysin this place where we felt like
, you know, our friends aretight and the ones who had to
fall by the wayside.
(08:14):
It was meant to be, and all ofthat stuff.
I know for a fact that, oh mygosh, I'm going to tell you guys
some of what I struggled with,as I, you know, kind of grew
into myself.
So so the fact that we havefound these ways to curate and
where people just kind of, Iguess they got uncomfortable
(08:36):
with who we are and decided thatthey didn't want to be, so they
were curating too, they werekind of deciding they didn't
want us.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
The way that I made the analogy, if you remember,
and you were cracking up.
I said it's when you're cookingthose collard greens and you
know it's like you startsimmering and simmering and the
juice that gets left in the pot.
The mother liquor the pot,liquor the pot liquor the mother
, liquor that is what remains inour friend circle, which is why
(09:09):
it's so rich.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You know.
So we have connections that wemay not speak to for months, but
when we do, it's lockstep andwe still feel the connection and
the love.
When you can hang up withsomeone and say, man, that was
nice.
And you know, we still pray forour friends, whether we speak
to them regularly or not, andthose types of things.
(09:33):
It's like wow, and it reallywas notable that.
Why is it that so we feel thisway about all these close folks?
Well, duh, you know, over theyears there were folks that we
didn't feel that connection orwe didn't job with or, for
(09:53):
whatever reason, we didn't thinkthat they should remain very
close to us, or perhaps theyshowed themselves unworthy.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Right, right, and you know the way that I started to
coin it, just coming from mycorporate life, is that we have
a friendship culture, right.
We have a way that when youwant to be a part of that
culture, you stay, and when youdon't want to be a part of that
culture, you show uncomfortableand you go right, and so some of
(10:25):
those things just to give yousome solid examples is we don't
tolerate gossip.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It's not something that we do.
It's not something that we do,yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
And and people know that about us.
So if they bring that to us andafter the fifth time we're like
I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
That's not something that we feel comfortable about
with.
That's also not something thatwe're silent about.
When it's in our close circle,you know, we may remind each
other, or that sounds likegossip or you know let's not.
We're not going to spread thatinformation or go online and
print something in social mediaand press forward or whatever.
(11:03):
Yeah, yeah, that's not.
It's just not a it's just not a.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
It's just not a thing .
Another thing that came to mindfor me is that, um, we hold
confidences, right, which isrelated to gossip, but it's
different Right, and and evenwith Leslie and I and I know
that um know that this is, thisis an uncommon thing, just from
(11:28):
what you see out there on socialmedia.
Yeah, memes with you know bestfriends.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
They told me not to say anything.
Yeah, to tell you.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
And it's like which that's just yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
It's another thing.
We just don't do that.
We don't tolerate it.
If somebody tells me somethingin confidence, Ange is not going
to know about it.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
And I don't want to.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Yeah, ange is not going to know about it and
people don't believe thatnecessarily they don't believe
it.
I know you tell her everythingExactly.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
No I don't Exactly.
No I don't Exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
You know, there's some confidences and some
agreements that are sacred andyou know my word is very
important to me.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
And we hold each other to that standard.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Right, Leslie wouldn't tell me, for example,
and vice versa, because sheknows I would shut her down.
Why are you telling I'm not?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean, so wehold ourselves accountable.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
What's another thing we don't like?
Messy.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
No, messy was so yesterday.
Let me just tell you we coulddo a whole podcast about my
messy past.
Oh, I got details and juice, ohmy gosh, I know what the
skeletons are buried.
I do say who I would be with allof those things.
But you know, I thank God thatwith wisdom, with knowing the
(12:57):
Lord and with the way that Iwant to conduct myself, I got
rid of all of that.
You know, a lot of that dramaand messiness.
I don't know if somebody wouldagree.
Okay, there is a little bit ofmessiness left, but 90% of the
(13:20):
messiness is over.
I'm a work in progress.
Hey, hey, what can I say?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
yeah, we all are, we all are and and you know trust.
This is not a we, we got itlocked down, we're perfect, it's
none of that, far from that.
It is that we're recognizing,oh my god, we have some pretty
amazing set of friends againtogether, mutual friends and
separately.
(13:48):
And what is it?
How did we get to this placewhere we can recognize that we
appreciate the ones that stayedaround right, the ones that kind
of was a part of it?
I want to share some of themessier parts of friendship
(14:09):
building for me.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I'm smiling because I was going to share something
also, but I'll let you sharefirst.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
You let me share first, and this one is you know,
I guess probably a lot ofpeople go through this Not
everybody, because I know you,so go ahead.
You didn't have similarexperiences, but when I came to
America, right.
Okay, you're going way back,but go ahead yeah yeah, Because
this was a really significantPart of that and it holds some
(14:39):
regrets that I that I havearound around this and around
how how much I allowed peerpressure to dictate how I moved
in the world Right.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Young person.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
But again, it's, it's , it's calling out the fact that
this has all been a journey,and when you get to a certain I
won't even say that it's onlyrelated to age but when you have
experienced things in your lifeand you reach the point where
(15:14):
you do so with someintentionality right, I want to.
I know this is a learningexperience and I want to learn
from it and I want to show updifferently on the other side of
it.
That is intention, because youcan go through stuff and you can
still keep going through stuffand going through stuff and
going through stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I never be that reflect.
I have a list of people who dothat.
In fact, those people are notin our circle anymore.
They're not in the circle.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
They didn't make the cut.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
And you know we're not throwing shade and making it
sound like this exclusive thingand being mean girl stuff.
We're not talking about that.
That's another thing the filter.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
We don't accept mean girls.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, we don't like the mean girl stuff.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
There's none of that stuff.
So, you know, coming up herefrom Jamaica, heavy accent, I
don't know the stuff, I don'tknow the music, I don't know
what's in, what's out,definitely I wasn't dressing
like other people, just all thethings right, and there's
(16:17):
certain things that I um, um, Ilacked definitely confidence,
definitely this idea of um.
I struggled with kind of theright and wrong of things
because I was so interested inbeing in certain friend groups,
(16:38):
right, and some, uh, one ofthose friend groups was kind of
the mean girl group, right, andI remember, um, that I actually
got into a fight with someonebecause I was pressured to do it
(17:00):
and because I wanted to.
I wanted to show up as whatever,so I could be in this, in this
group, because that was how Ifelt that I could be accepted,
sure.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
And given respect and all of those things, because
otherwise I felt like I wouldcontinue to be laughed at.
That, you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah, you had to show yourself in a certain way,
right, and that's common, evenas adults, and stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I think so.
I think so, but it's just a,and there have been many times
since then that it wasn't alwaysthe right decision, right To to
act in a certain way.
You do it because of this, butyou learn.
You see what it feels like.
(17:50):
It feels like shit.
I don't want to do that again.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I want to, you know, not be that person we got to be
able to live with ourselves andsleep at night at the end of the
day, live with ourselves andsleep at night at the end of the
day, and then, when we becomeparents, you have to model
behavior, yeah, for children,rather than tell them.
So you're absolutely right, wehad to portend ourselves in a
different way.
Portend is not the word comportokay, what's the word, is it?
(18:17):
Comport.
Why am I saying we had tobehave?
In another word this is not thesat.
You're like what?
What am I talking about?
Maybe it's my, my beverage.
I'm drinking that's making mespeaking tongues, but we had to
behave in a different way.
If we wanted to model what wewanted for our children you know
(18:39):
, absolutely, because,absolutely, because you know we
had.
At that point, we had eyeswatching us.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Right and I remember.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And we have eyes watching us.
You know what I mean.
It's like yeah, we are also.
Our steps and our behaviors aremonitored, I believe.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Yeah, I believe that too.
I remember, and we've talkedabout our Bible study and how we
used to have this prettythriving multiple I don't know
how many people it-.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
I think it had been as many as seven people at some
point.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Right, and by the end of it it was down to three, and
then there were three, and thenthere were three.
And I bring that up becausethat was one place where some of
this clashing happened and Iwould say maybe Of all places
Bible study.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
But remember, we expected that it was a safe
space, Right, we expectedcommitment and we also knew that
it being God-led that we feltfree to be able to open our
hearts and be vulnerable.
Right open our hearts and bevulnerable, and there were
certain members that reallycouldn't yeah, they couldn't
(20:08):
adhere to that eithervulnerability, that level of
honesty or whatever, and peoplebecame offended and you know it,
we had some difficulty withthat.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
We really did.
That was that was hard, hard.
We learned, we learned a lot.
Yeah, we did learn a lot youknow, we, we learned too that
there were just some people who,no matter what they weren't
going to trust, they weren'tgoing to um, yeah, that's true,
and you know, and it's like ofall things, bible study.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
You know it's like this is where, but you know, as
Monique has always said,wherever you go, there you are,
you bring yourself with you.
So these folks broughtthemselves, as did we to Bible
study also.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Absolutely, it wasn't a safe space for everybody.
I was called cantankerous a fewtimes and it hurt, but yeah,
okay.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Yeah, it got a little heated sometimes, and you of
all people, that was kind offunny though.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And we say Bible study, but on the other hand,
faith people on a faith journeyand faith traditions can be a
very judgmental space.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yes, a very, very judgmental space.
It was judgmental Very much.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, yeah it was harsh, but anyway, some of those
people are not in our circle.
Or they're in.
You know, there's like theinner circle and their outer
rings, so they may be furtherout than Well.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Yeah, and not just that you know, when I love
someone as a friend or partneror whatever, you know I
understand love, but I alsounderstand that there are some
limitations.
But I also understand thatthere are some limitations.
You know there are some peoplethat you don't need them to be
right next to you, exactly youknow all the time so yeah, you
(22:10):
got to be able to discern that.
Can I just say something thatthis did.
You finish telling your story,though.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I'll let you finish.
Yeah, that's all I wanted toshare.
That was enough.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
The way that I'm smiling, so one of the things
that I like about you there aremany things, but I'll just say
this People don't realize thatyou have the ability to do this,
but you really can speak to mein what I determined to be an
objective way.
You know, you seem to put yourfeelings aside very much and in
(22:50):
a way, not as a contrarian, butyou offer me a wider perspective
on things.
And then there was day beforeyesterday.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Oh my God, what did I do?
I don't remember.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
I'm speaking to you about an issue that was
important to me and it wassomewhat, it was personal and it
was a little hurtful.
You know, I was explainingsomething to you and I got upset
that you didn't take my sideright away.
(23:27):
Okay, well, I wouldn't say Iwas upset, but I'm like, wait a
minute, that's not.
And I even said this.
That's not why I called you.
Sometimes you need, you need.
You didn't right away go andvalidate my feelings, ok,
instead, you, you showed me thelimitations of my thinking and
(23:52):
what the other person'sperspective could be, and I felt
that that was a little too soon, to the point where I said you
know what?
I don't want to talk about thisanymore.
Do you remember I said that youdid, you did, you did.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'm like you are the wrong person for me to speak to
about this, okay, so that'svalid and I'm working on that,
right, because I know thattiming is really important,
right?
Um, and I definitely am workingon that, I'll tell you that you
(24:30):
may not be aware, but a fewdays before that, you brought
something and I was like nope,nope, I almost spit something
out it's all rah-rah-les rightnow.
All of it okay, so I did have arah-rah-les moment it was all
(24:51):
rah-rah-les and then you calledMonique and Monique did what I
would have done, but I'm nope,that's not me on this call.
Nope, nope, nope.
So it happens.
I get it right sometimes, yes,but this time.
But here's what happened though.
And you tell me if you saw it,if you experienced it the same
(25:14):
way, right?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
And in the end, after I calmed down, of course you
know, because we're sympathicalI understood exactly what you
were saying and I understoodexactly what you were saying.
You didn't express that, youdidn't validate it so, les, what
?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
so?
Definitely what you're sayingabout my timing.
Absolutely, I see that and,working on it, I also saw that
we both stayed in it, meaningthat you explained like I would.
(25:53):
I said something like whatwould you gain from that?
Speaker 2 (25:57):
what would be your motivation for speaking to her
about?
Speaker 1 (26:00):
that you probed yes, and what would be your
motivation for speaking to herabout that?
Yes, or you did.
You did, you probed yes, andyou know me well enough to know
that those questions were notwell.
What do you?
It wasn't like that, it wasreally so.
So what?
What do you expect to gain fromit?
Right?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
right, I wasn't intimidated or I didn't feel.
Yeah, let me think about how Idid feel.
Yeah, I know how I did not.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah, so go ahead your, why what you, what you
(26:51):
thought you would get out of it,how prepared you would be, how
prepared you would be to havethe conversation and how
prepared you would be,regardless of the answer.
You know what I mean and Iappreciated that you stayed in
it to get that out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
And in the end it worked out, because I think when
I first called you I was kindof in the spin, yeah, and I
think you kind of stopped thespin, yeah, and made it a little
more logical.
But at some point I think Iwanted you to say like what, I
(27:34):
don't know, how could she?
You know, because I'm like howcould?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
she.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Don't you see, don't you see, yeah, yeah, I, I
definitely um but then, but youdid really take me out of the
emotion of it, right, and reallyget me to clarity.
(28:02):
If I have a, a conversation,you know what will I get from
the conversation?
How would it?
You know what is the result?
Why do you want to have thisconversation?
Speaker 1 (28:13):
What good will it?
Speaker 2 (28:14):
do you now that kind of thing?
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right yeah, so it became a little clear.
But did you know that it?
Speaker 2 (28:20):
was bothering me, because I said, like I don't
want to talk to you about this,and then we kept talking about
it.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
I did.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You are clearly not the person I want to.
I I did.
I also.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Clearly not the person I need to speak to about.
Who else can I call?
I also know that I'm veryprotective of you.
I'm protected of you fromyourself too, not just from
other people.
And if I see that you're doingsomething that you may later
regret, I can't not not sayanything.
(29:02):
I still have to manage thetiming, because sometimes you
just want to let off steam andthis thing that happened a few
days ago.
It was that for me and I'm like, I'm not going to do that.
That's not what this is about.
But you know, I kind of when I,when I perceive that you're
moving towards something and Ithink what, what was happening
(29:23):
is that I felt like you wereready to do the thing, you were
ready to make the call, you'reready to like, now that you were
out of the situation and you'redriving, I'm like, I'm going to
do.
I felt like the next when youhung up from me you were going
to do it and I was like I don'tknow if she's going to get out
(29:44):
of it.
I think she may be hurting arelationship that she may not be
prepared to hurt.
Because she was, I wasdefinitely thinking that Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
You know what I mean.
Okay, because you know you wentinto that meta analysis like I
really want you to think aboutthis.
I want to make sure that you'rethinking clearly and you know
it's like dog, like dog got it.
You know I didn't call my coachor my therapist did I?
(30:19):
Dial the wrong number here sheis again.
You know how um one of yourchildren said I don't like
grandma, she makes me learn.
You know, it's that kind ofthing, it's like it is.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
I know, I know, I know that that is my natural
wiring and I do have toconstantly work on timing,
because that makes the big, thatmakes the big difference right.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I mean, I could have delayed me saying this until the
next time we spoke and but youjust said why you felt there was
some urgency, because youthought that I was so in it that
I would have perhaps made youknow, been impulsive I, ah, oh,
did you?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
hear that.
Is that lightning?
Yes, it shook the house.
I think I saw something in thecurtain behind you.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Whoa oh, car alarms are going off.
It's a little scary, oh wow.
Yeah, it might affect the power, had it been raining.
I think raining, but not likethis Thunder right right, but I
like this kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I know you like it too, listen.
So, guys, you're seeing thisplay out, right, that's what I'm
saying.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I didn't tell her how I felt about this.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
And she didn't tell me we were going to be talking
about it today.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
No, but we were talking about friendships.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
We were talking about friendships.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
We were talking about friendships.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I guess I'll keep her , I guess this is not the deal
breaker Another thing thereneeds to be more things in the
keep account than the reasons tokeep account.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Then kick her out the door account.
So far it's the keep account islike this out the door account
so far it's the keep account.
Is like this.
It's like could you imagine ifI quit you after 50 years?
Speaker 1 (32:19):
oh my gosh, I don't even know.
I don't even know what thatit's not even in the realm of
possibility at this point.
Listen, 50 years in, we can, wecan be assured, we can be
assured that, um, first of all,you will never be rid of me.
I don't care what you mightwant to do, right?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
But somehow you'll always be there.
I will show up, remember yousaid to me, I'll ring your
doorbell in Florida.
Remember, you said to me thatyou want to die first, and I'm
like no, I want to die first.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
It's a little ridiculous.
It is ridiculous, but you knowyeah, the sentiment is clear.
Yeah, and these are, these are,you know, not always your, it's
(33:19):
not always your action thatSomeone may choose to stop a
friendship with you without youknowing why, without you having
anything you know.
That is obvious, that you couldsay this is, this is why and um
, just acknowledging that thathappens, that's really painful,
(33:40):
that is, um, you know it's, it's, it's devastating, and I know
people who have had reallylong-term, deep friendships.
People have been there atbirths of children and all of
these kind of significant pointsalong a life, and then now they
are, they are gone, thefriendship is gone.
(34:01):
So there's definitely that andI don't want to kind of Pretend
about that, that that is notsome people's realities, just as
how kind of Leslie describedwhat got us to talk about this.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
We also just wanted to make clear that you do have
some control around who you letin to your circle, and I really
think that that's the main pointthat we're saying that if we
are committed to living ajoy-filled life and we're not
(34:42):
talking about transienthappiness, we're talking about
living the life that fulfills us, enriches us and the life that
we believe God created us tolive, then it takes it's our
responsibility to start thinkingabout the people that are in
our circle and the people thatare in our ear, the people that
(35:04):
we are holding close to us.
If they are, if they mesh withthe people that we want to be.
I remember when I was a highschool teacher, young girls
would come to me with so muchrelationship, angst and crying
(35:26):
and tearful and whatever.
And I said to them I rememberthat you know, these
relationships should feel goodoverall and they should make you
and your person feel good.
And when you're in relationshipwith someone and he doesn't and
you don't feel good, that'stime to reevaluate that
(35:47):
relationship.
And I'm really putting thatchecklist next to the people.
We're getting older, we don'tknow how long we have here.
So you know, I don't.
I recently had to just recently, you know separate someone, not
cut them off, but just put somedistance between me and someone
(36:11):
that was causing me some painand difficulty.
So, yeah, it's a constant thing.
It's not like it's a one anddone Right.
Right.
You know, hopefully, that I'malways growing you know.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Yeah, leslie mentioned my book and I was
(36:46):
looking through it recentlybecause we are going to be
talking a little more about it,because I am starting up my
turning up my coaching practiceagain Now that I've taken some
much needed time away to do somelarger life planning, and so
one of the chapters is calledurgency of now and, by the way,
the name of my book is we're tooold for this.
(37:07):
I took out there was anotherword at the end of it used to be
we're too old for this shite.
I took that out so that I thinkit was interfering with, with
the platforms, because, you know, certain words aren't allowed.
We're too old for this.
(37:27):
And it really kind of speaks tosome of the, some of the rules,
some of the, the, the decisionsthat we've made, and now, at
such a time as this, that wehave the power to let go of some
(37:49):
of those things.
And in the section where I talkabout the urgency of now, I
thought of it because of whatLeslie just said, that we have
more time behind us than aheadof us, right, yes, the sooner we
(38:16):
start now, the more time wehave to enjoy the time we have
left right, the sooner we startdoing those things that we have
thought about doing, whetherit's to go somewhere or to do
something, or to no longer havesomeone or something loom larger
in your life than it deserves.
Now is the time to do that.
Right now is the time.
(38:36):
There's no greater, better,more impactful time than now.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
And I was telling a friend on the phone just
yesterday she's in a difficultsituation and I said you know,
if what you want to move towardis this, then the day to start
moving toward this is today, andit might take you three years
to get there or five years toget there, but you have to start
(39:05):
today if this is going to beyour goal.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Right, right.
It's like what does your, yourfuture self, what?
What decisions can you make nowthat your future self would say
oh my God, I'm so glad youdecided to do that you know
instead of why, why?
Speaker 2 (39:24):
why are we still?
But why you could have donethis five years ago and you know
I say that about my priormarriage.
I'm like why did I, you know?
But you know, one of my sayingsI think about is yesterday.
I said tomorrow, you know.
(39:47):
So yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
Yesterday I said tomorrow, wow, yeah, yeah wow,
so okay well, anything else,anything else you want to share,
any other?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
any other of my, of my you know ill-timed, but I'll
just say that right now.
It was like this at the startof the conversation, but now
that the pluses are you know theWell.
Remember, you recently got offprobation, so you're tenured, so
(40:25):
I can't quit you.
It's a contract now you know.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
And I, you know, I, I , you know, I dig Me what?
Nah, I dig, yeah, I yeah, I'llkeep you.
I dig what we have.
I dig what we, what werepresent to others.
I dig like our friend group somuch.
(40:51):
To others.
I dig like our friend groups somuch.
My firstborn had dinner, lunch,brunch with two of my friends,
just not be.
I had nothing to do with it.
I had nothing at all to do withit.
Just I went out with aunt thisand aunt that and I'm like it's
a beautiful thing that werepresent to our children, that
(41:13):
we have these friendships thatare solid.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
And allies.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Allies.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Allies.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
People that they can call to.
That's a good thing.
That's a good filter.
Would you allow your childrento hang out with them?
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Whether you have children or not.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
If you had children, yeah, yeah, if you had children,
would they be?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Right, and you know some friends have a little, you
know they have that thing aboutthem.
That quirkyness it's them, butit's not me, but are they going
to be able to be good for yourkids?
It's a really good filter foryou to use.
Will they know when to turnthat down or when not to turn
(41:57):
that down?
Sure.
With your kids, those types ofthings.
Anyway, we could go on.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Yeah, we can but we can go on for 50 more years.
Oh man.
So we are going to have suchgreat conversations for you
coming up, so just remember, hit, like and subscribe, because
you're going to be happy you did.
We're going to bringinteresting content to you.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Yeah, we have some great guests coming up, just so
elated that a few pretty, prettybig names have reached out to
us to ask if they could be onour podcast and have accepted
our request for joining us asour guest.
So please come on back for more.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
All right, and I'll say this has been another
episode of Black Boomer Bestiesfrom Brooklyn, brooklyn.
Hey Aunt, Showtime.
Hey Leslie, How's it going?
Speaker 2 (00:08):
It is going well.
Today's a good day.
It is a good day.
It's a warm day.
You know I love the heat.
You do it's uh, yeah, today's areally good day.
I started to go more intodetail, but that's my own
personal business.
That's your own personalbusiness About who's in the next
room waiting for me.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
And we never talk about our personal business here
.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Okay, groucho, my cool drink of water.
How about that?
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Okay, groucho, yeah, oh my gosh.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Hey, so welcome to another episode of Black Boomer
Besties from Brooklyn.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
I'm Angela and that's Leslie, my best friend of
almost 50 years.
We're two free-thinking60-something-year-old women who
have decided we have committedto living our lives with more
bold action and more joy, and weinvite you to join us in doing
(01:12):
so yourself.
Join us by listening to ourpodcast.
Join us by embracing a joyfullifestyle.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
And also they can join us by reading your book,
because your book we can talkmore about that later, but it
really does outline some of thethings that we find important as
joy living older women, so wecan talk about that a little bit
(01:42):
later.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
So today we're going to be talking about friendships
and how we have curated ourfriendships, what kind of
filters we use to decide who'sin and who's out, how we
developed, how we developed alevel of confidence around doing
(02:07):
that Right, because we weren'talways this way, trust me, where
we felt like we had the powerto decide who we had in our
circle and who didn't, so we'regoing to talk about some of
those things today.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
You want to talk about how this conversation came
up, because obviously we'vebeen best friends.
We speak.
You know what I was recentlyasking Rick.
I said to him do you know whatit is?
Can you name something that Ido every single day?
And he really couldn't.
But you know it was you.
(02:46):
You know something like not theobvious.
So I came up with two.
I said name two things that Ido every, every single day.
One of the things is I drinkcoffee every single day.
Yeah, and I told him.
The other thing is I speak toangie every single day yeah,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
So we, we have this topic come up.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
How did it come up?
It just came up like a day orso ago.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Sure.
So it came up and you know, weinvite you into our lives as we
um, as we kind of reflect on howwe came to be these two people
and this friendship and, um, thekind of nuggets that we
recognize that we want to sharewith you.
So what came up is that we were, um, we were discussing a
(03:38):
couple of our friends who werehaving some, who are having some
conflict, and we were kind oflooking at that and trying to
figure out why, also looking atwhy those things don't tend to
(04:01):
happen with us with us, leslieand I, but also with us more
broadly, because with our circleyeah, we have, obviously,
leslie and I have friends incommon, but we also have um
friend groups that are not umconnected, right, and so we
(04:25):
started looking at that and westarted thinking about um.
I think you used an analogy, um,you'll have to remember it, but
it was something around.
I'll tell you yeah, go ahead.
What was the?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
analogy, before we even go in that direction.
What you're forgetting is thatI think what preceded even that
observation about the two ofthose people in conflict we were
.
You had just had a nice longconversation with one of our
mutual friends and you weretelling me how nice and how the
conversation went.
And I says you know, isn't itnice that, how special is it
(05:01):
that we have that deepconnection with our circle?
Yeah, and I said, you know, andthese people are very different
people, very different Yet, andstill we always feel the love
and the connection that we havewith them whenever we're in
(05:21):
communication with them.
And I think that's what it isand it's like well, why is that?
Is that a coincidence that allof our different friends, we
have that connection?
And I said no, ang, if youthink about it, these folks have
been handpicked and weeded outover the years so that the
(05:42):
people who remain in our closecircle, they've been vetted
Right, they've been vetted.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
That's very true.
That's very true.
I forgot that part, so what?
Speaker 2 (05:53):
I said, is that the analogy is like why is it that
we're in a hospital and thereare all these sick people?
Because that's where the sickpeople go.
You know what I mean.
So the people who love us,they're the people that are here
.
Yeah, and that's what werecognized and prompted this
(06:17):
conversation and this episode.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
Yeah, and I think the extension of that because that
was definitely where it allbegan and the extension of it
was in this conflict like theseare not the type of conflicts
(06:41):
that come up with with us right,there's a net right here.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
Yeah, Well he's not making a camera appearance, so
he might be bothering you, but Idon't see it.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
If you see me like blinking like that, he got me
Remember when I was recordingand one flew in my mouth and I
was trying to play it off and Iwas just.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
I remember that.
But anyway, don't fly in hermouth.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
So so.
So the things that we we wantedto talk about and kind of bring
to the surface for yourconsumption is the fact that we
do curate that over the years,yeah, we have created some
(07:31):
filters that have weeded peopleout.
Because what I like to remindpeople who look at us, look at
our friendship, look atdifferent aspects of our lives
and think, oh my God, we listen.
First of all, we haven'tarrived at our destination yet.
We won't do that until the Lordcalls us home.
(07:53):
Right, we're on, we're on thisjourney Right, and where we are
now is not where we were, youknow, 10 years ago, five years
ago, 20 years ago for sure.
Right, and so we weren't alwaysin this place where we felt like
, you know, our friends aretight and the ones who had to
fall by the wayside.
(08:14):
It was meant to be, and all ofthat stuff.
I know for a fact that, oh mygosh, I'm going to tell you guys
some of what I struggled with,as I, you know, kind of grew
into myself.
So so the fact that we havefound these ways to curate and
where people just kind of, Iguess they got uncomfortable
(08:36):
with who we are and decided thatthey didn't want to be, so they
were curating too, they werekind of deciding they didn't
want us.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
The way that I made the analogy, if you remember,
and you were cracking up.
I said it's when you're cookingthose collard greens and you
know it's like you startsimmering and simmering and the
juice that gets left in the pot.
The mother liquor the pot,liquor the pot liquor the mother
, liquor that is what remains inour friend circle, which is why
(09:09):
it's so rich.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You know.
So we have connections that wemay not speak to for months, but
when we do, it's lockstep andwe still feel the connection and
the love.
When you can hang up withsomeone and say, man, that was
nice.
And you know, we still pray forour friends, whether we speak
to them regularly or not, andthose types of things.
(09:33):
It's like wow, and it reallywas notable that.
Why is it that so we feel thisway about all these close folks?
Well, duh, you know, over theyears there were folks that we
didn't feel that connection orwe didn't job with or, for
(09:53):
whatever reason, we didn't thinkthat they should remain very
close to us, or perhaps theyshowed themselves unworthy.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Right, right, and you know the way that I started to
coin it, just coming from mycorporate life, is that we have
a friendship culture, right.
We have a way that when youwant to be a part of that
culture, you stay, and when youdon't want to be a part of that
culture, you show uncomfortableand you go right, and so some of
(10:25):
those things just to give yousome solid examples is we don't
tolerate gossip.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It's not something that we do.
It's not something that we do,yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
And and people know that about us.
So if they bring that to us andafter the fifth time we're like
I'm not interested.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
That's not something that we feel comfortable about
with.
That's also not something thatwe're silent about.
When it's in our close circle,you know, we may remind each
other, or that sounds likegossip or you know let's not.
We're not going to spread thatinformation or go online and
print something in social mediaand press forward or whatever.
(11:03):
Yeah, yeah, that's not.
It's just not a it's just not a.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
It's just not a thing .
Another thing that came to mindfor me is that, um, we hold
confidences, right, which isrelated to gossip, but it's
different Right, and and evenwith Leslie and I and I know
that um know that this is, thisis an uncommon thing, just from
(11:28):
what you see out there on socialmedia.
Yeah, memes with you know bestfriends.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
They told me not to say anything.
Yeah, to tell you.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
And it's like which that's just yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
It's another thing.
We just don't do that.
We don't tolerate it.
If somebody tells me somethingin confidence, Ange is not going
to know about it.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
And I don't want to.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
Yeah, ange is not going to know about it and
people don't believe thatnecessarily they don't believe
it.
I know you tell her everythingExactly.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
No I don't Exactly.
No I don't Exactly.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
You know, there's some confidences and some
agreements that are sacred andyou know my word is very
important to me.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
And we hold each other to that standard.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Right, Leslie wouldn't tell me, for example,
and vice versa, because sheknows I would shut her down.
Why are you telling I'm not?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean, so wehold ourselves accountable.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
What's another thing we don't like?
Messy.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
No, messy was so yesterday.
Let me just tell you we coulddo a whole podcast about my
messy past.
Oh, I got details and juice, ohmy gosh, I know what the
skeletons are buried.
I do say who I would be with allof those things.
But you know, I thank God thatwith wisdom, with knowing the
(12:57):
Lord and with the way that Iwant to conduct myself, I got
rid of all of that.
You know, a lot of that dramaand messiness.
I don't know if somebody wouldagree.
Okay, there is a little bit ofmessiness left, but 90% of the
(13:20):
messiness is over.
I'm a work in progress.
Hey, hey, what can I say?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
yeah, we all are, we all are and and you know trust.
This is not a we, we got itlocked down, we're perfect, it's
none of that, far from that.
It is that we're recognizing,oh my god, we have some pretty
amazing set of friends againtogether, mutual friends and
separately.
(13:48):
And what is it?
How did we get to this placewhere we can recognize that we
appreciate the ones that stayedaround right, the ones that kind
of was a part of it?
I want to share some of themessier parts of friendship
(14:09):
building for me.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I'm smiling because I was going to share something
also, but I'll let you sharefirst.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
You let me share first, and this one is you know,
I guess probably a lot ofpeople go through this Not
everybody, because I know you,so go ahead.
You didn't have similarexperiences, but when I came to
America, right.
Okay, you're going way back,but go ahead yeah yeah, Because
this was a really significantPart of that and it holds some
(14:39):
regrets that I that I havearound around this and around
how how much I allowed peerpressure to dictate how I moved
in the world Right.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
Young person.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
But again, it's, it's , it's calling out the fact that
this has all been a journey,and when you get to a certain I
won't even say that it's onlyrelated to age but when you have
experienced things in your lifeand you reach the point where
(15:14):
you do so with someintentionality right, I want to.
I know this is a learningexperience and I want to learn
from it and I want to show updifferently on the other side of
it.
That is intention, because youcan go through stuff and you can
still keep going through stuffand going through stuff and
going through stuff.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I never be that reflect.
I have a list of people who dothat.
In fact, those people are notin our circle anymore.
They're not in the circle.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
They didn't make the cut.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
And you know we're not throwing shade and making it
sound like this exclusive thingand being mean girl stuff.
We're not talking about that.
That's another thing the filter.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
We don't accept mean girls.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, we don't like the mean girl stuff.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
There's none of that stuff.
So, you know, coming up herefrom Jamaica, heavy accent, I
don't know the stuff, I don'tknow the music, I don't know
what's in, what's out,definitely I wasn't dressing
like other people, just all thethings right, and there's
(16:17):
certain things that I um, um, Ilacked definitely confidence,
definitely this idea of um.
I struggled with kind of theright and wrong of things
because I was so interested inbeing in certain friend groups,
(16:38):
right, and some, uh, one ofthose friend groups was kind of
the mean girl group, right, andI remember, um, that I actually
got into a fight with someonebecause I was pressured to do it
(17:00):
and because I wanted to.
I wanted to show up as whatever,so I could be in this, in this
group, because that was how Ifelt that I could be accepted,
sure.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Right.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
And given respect and all of those things, because
otherwise I felt like I wouldcontinue to be laughed at.
That, you know whatever.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah, you had to show yourself in a certain way,
right, and that's common, evenas adults, and stuff.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I think so.
I think so, but it's just a,and there have been many times
since then that it wasn't alwaysthe right decision, right To to
act in a certain way.
You do it because of this, butyou learn.
You see what it feels like.
(17:50):
It feels like shit.
I don't want to do that again.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
I want to, you know, not be that person we got to be
able to live with ourselves andsleep at night at the end of the
day, live with ourselves andsleep at night at the end of the
day, and then, when we becomeparents, you have to model
behavior, yeah, for children,rather than tell them.
So you're absolutely right, wehad to portend ourselves in a
different way.
Portend is not the word comportokay, what's the word, is it?
(18:17):
Comport.
Why am I saying we had tobehave?
In another word this is not thesat.
You're like what?
What am I talking about?
Maybe it's my, my beverage.
I'm drinking that's making mespeaking tongues, but we had to
behave in a different way.
If we wanted to model what wewanted for our children you know
(18:39):
, absolutely, because,absolutely, because you know we
had.
At that point, we had eyeswatching us.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Right and I remember.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
And we have eyes watching us.
You know what I mean.
It's like yeah, we are also.
Our steps and our behaviors aremonitored, I believe.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Yeah, I believe that too.
I remember, and we've talkedabout our Bible study and how we
used to have this prettythriving multiple I don't know
how many people it-.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
I think it had been as many as seven people at some
point.
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Right, and by the end of it it was down to three, and
then there were three, and thenthere were three.
And I bring that up becausethat was one place where some of
this clashing happened and Iwould say maybe Of all places
Bible study.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
But remember, we expected that it was a safe
space, Right, we expectedcommitment and we also knew that
it being God-led that we feltfree to be able to open our
hearts and be vulnerable.
Right open our hearts and bevulnerable, and there were
certain members that reallycouldn't yeah, they couldn't
(20:08):
adhere to that eithervulnerability, that level of
honesty or whatever, and peoplebecame offended and you know it,
we had some difficulty withthat.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
We really did.
That was that was hard, hard.
We learned, we learned a lot.
Yeah, we did learn a lot youknow, we, we learned too that
there were just some people who,no matter what they weren't
going to trust, they weren'tgoing to um, yeah, that's true,
and you know, and it's like ofall things, bible study.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
You know it's like this is where, but you know, as
Monique has always said,wherever you go, there you are,
you bring yourself with you.
So these folks broughtthemselves, as did we to Bible
study also.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
Absolutely, it wasn't a safe space for everybody.
I was called cantankerous a fewtimes and it hurt, but yeah,
okay.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Yeah, it got a little heated sometimes, and you of
all people, that was kind offunny though.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
And we say Bible study, but on the other hand,
faith people on a faith journeyand faith traditions can be a
very judgmental space.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
Yes, a very, very judgmental space.
It was judgmental Very much.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Yeah, yeah it was harsh, but anyway, some of those
people are not in our circle.
Or they're in.
You know, there's like theinner circle and their outer
rings, so they may be furtherout than Well.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
Yeah, and not just that you know, when I love
someone as a friend or partneror whatever, you know I
understand love, but I alsounderstand that there are some
limitations.
But I also understand thatthere are some limitations.
You know there are some peoplethat you don't need them to be
right next to you, exactly youknow all the time so yeah, you
(22:10):
got to be able to discern that.
Can I just say something thatthis did.
You finish telling your story,though.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
I'll let you finish.
Yeah, that's all I wanted toshare.
That was enough.
Speaker 2 (22:22):
The way that I'm smiling, so one of the things
that I like about you there aremany things, but I'll just say
this People don't realize thatyou have the ability to do this,
but you really can speak to mein what I determined to be an
objective way.
You know, you seem to put yourfeelings aside very much and in
(22:50):
a way, not as a contrarian, butyou offer me a wider perspective
on things.
And then there was day beforeyesterday.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Oh my God, what did I do?
I don't remember.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
I'm speaking to you about an issue that was
important to me and it wassomewhat, it was personal and it
was a little hurtful.
You know, I was explainingsomething to you and I got upset
that you didn't take my sideright away.
(23:27):
Okay, well, I wouldn't say Iwas upset, but I'm like, wait a
minute, that's not.
And I even said this.
That's not why I called you.
Sometimes you need, you need.
You didn't right away go andvalidate my feelings, ok,
instead, you, you showed me thelimitations of my thinking and
(23:52):
what the other person'sperspective could be, and I felt
that that was a little too soon, to the point where I said you
know what?
I don't want to talk about thisanymore.
Do you remember I said that youdid, you did, you did.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'm like you are the wrong person for me to speak to
about this, okay, so that'svalid and I'm working on that,
right, because I know thattiming is really important,
right?
Um, and I definitely am workingon that, I'll tell you that you
(24:30):
may not be aware, but a fewdays before that, you brought
something and I was like nope,nope, I almost spit something
out it's all rah-rah-les rightnow.
All of it okay, so I did have arah-rah-les moment it was all
(24:51):
rah-rah-les and then you calledMonique and Monique did what I
would have done, but I'm nope,that's not me on this call.
Nope, nope, nope.
So it happens.
I get it right sometimes, yes,but this time.
But here's what happened though.
And you tell me if you saw it,if you experienced it the same
(25:14):
way, right?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
And in the end, after I calmed down, of course you
know, because we're sympathicalI understood exactly what you
were saying and I understoodexactly what you were saying.
You didn't express that, youdidn't validate it so, les, what
?
Speaker 1 (25:33):
so?
Definitely what you're sayingabout my timing.
Absolutely, I see that and,working on it, I also saw that
we both stayed in it, meaningthat you explained like I would.
(25:53):
I said something like whatwould you gain from that?
Speaker 2 (25:57):
what would be your motivation for speaking to her
about?
Speaker 1 (26:00):
that you probed yes, and what would be your
motivation for speaking to herabout that?
Yes, or you did.
You did, you probed yes, andyou know me well enough to know
that those questions were notwell.
What do you?
It wasn't like that, it wasreally so.
So what?
What do you expect to gain fromit?
Right?
Speaker 2 (26:17):
right, I wasn't intimidated or I didn't feel.
Yeah, let me think about how Idid feel.
Yeah, I know how I did not.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Yeah, so go ahead your, why what you, what you
(26:51):
thought you would get out of it,how prepared you would be, how
prepared you would be to havethe conversation and how
prepared you would be,regardless of the answer.
You know what I mean and Iappreciated that you stayed in
it to get that out of it, right.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
And in the end it worked out, because I think when
I first called you I was kindof in the spin, yeah, and I
think you kind of stopped thespin, yeah, and made it a little
more logical.
But at some point I think Iwanted you to say like what, I
(27:34):
don't know, how could she?
You know, because I'm like howcould?
Speaker 1 (27:40):
she.
Speaker 2 (27:42):
Don't you see, don't you see, yeah, yeah, I, I
definitely um but then, but youdid really take me out of the
emotion of it, right, and reallyget me to clarity.
(28:02):
If I have a, a conversation,you know what will I get from
the conversation?
How would it?
You know what is the result?
Why do you want to have thisconversation?
Speaker 1 (28:13):
What good will it?
Speaker 2 (28:14):
do you now that kind of thing?
Speaker 1 (28:16):
Right yeah, so it became a little clear.
But did you know that it?
Speaker 2 (28:20):
was bothering me, because I said, like I don't
want to talk to you about this,and then we kept talking about
it.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
I did.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
You are clearly not the person I want to.
I I did.
I also.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Clearly not the person I need to speak to about.
Who else can I call?
I also know that I'm veryprotective of you.
I'm protected of you fromyourself too, not just from
other people.
And if I see that you're doingsomething that you may later
regret, I can't not not sayanything.
(29:02):
I still have to manage thetiming, because sometimes you
just want to let off steam andthis thing that happened a few
days ago.
It was that for me and I'm like, I'm not going to do that.
That's not what this is about.
But you know, I kind of when I,when I perceive that you're
moving towards something and Ithink what, what was happening
(29:23):
is that I felt like you wereready to do the thing, you were
ready to make the call, you'reready to like, now that you were
out of the situation and you'redriving, I'm like, I'm going to
do.
I felt like the next when youhung up from me you were going
to do it and I was like I don'tknow if she's going to get out
(29:44):
of it.
I think she may be hurting arelationship that she may not be
prepared to hurt.
Because she was, I wasdefinitely thinking that Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
You know what I mean.
Okay, because you know you wentinto that meta analysis like I
really want you to think aboutthis.
I want to make sure that you'rethinking clearly and you know
it's like dog, like dog got it.
You know I didn't call my coachor my therapist did I?
(30:19):
Dial the wrong number here sheis again.
You know how um one of yourchildren said I don't like
grandma, she makes me learn.
You know, it's that kind ofthing, it's like it is.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
I know, I know, I know that that is my natural
wiring and I do have toconstantly work on timing,
because that makes the big, thatmakes the big difference right.
Speaker 2 (30:50):
I mean, I could have delayed me saying this until the
next time we spoke and but youjust said why you felt there was
some urgency, because youthought that I was so in it that
I would have perhaps made youknow, been impulsive I, ah, oh,
did you?
Speaker 1 (31:10):
hear that.
Is that lightning?
Yes, it shook the house.
I think I saw something in thecurtain behind you.
Speaker 2 (31:20):
Whoa oh, car alarms are going off.
It's a little scary, oh wow.
Yeah, it might affect the power, had it been raining.
I think raining, but not likethis Thunder right right, but I
like this kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I know you like it too, listen.
So, guys, you're seeing thisplay out, right, that's what I'm
saying.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
I didn't tell her how I felt about this.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
And she didn't tell me we were going to be talking
about it today.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
No, but we were talking about friendships.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
We were talking about friendships.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
We were talking about friendships.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I guess I'll keep her , I guess this is not the deal
breaker Another thing thereneeds to be more things in the
keep account than the reasons tokeep account.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Then kick her out the door account.
So far it's the keep account islike this out the door account
so far it's the keep account.
Is like this.
It's like could you imagine ifI quit you after 50 years?
Speaker 1 (32:19):
oh my gosh, I don't even know.
I don't even know what thatit's not even in the realm of
possibility at this point.
Listen, 50 years in, we can, wecan be assured, we can be
assured that, um, first of all,you will never be rid of me.
I don't care what you mightwant to do, right?
Speaker 2 (32:40):
But somehow you'll always be there.
I will show up, remember yousaid to me, I'll ring your
doorbell in Florida.
Remember, you said to me thatyou want to die first, and I'm
like no, I want to die first.
Speaker 1 (32:57):
It's a little ridiculous.
It is ridiculous, but you knowyeah, the sentiment is clear.
Yeah, and these are, these are,you know, not always your, it's
(33:19):
not always your action thatSomeone may choose to stop a
friendship with you without youknowing why, without you having
anything you know.
That is obvious, that you couldsay this is, this is why and um
, just acknowledging that thathappens, that's really painful,
(33:40):
that is, um, you know it's, it's, it's devastating, and I know
people who have had reallylong-term, deep friendships.
People have been there atbirths of children and all of
these kind of significant pointsalong a life, and then now they
are, they are gone, thefriendship is gone.
(34:01):
So there's definitely that andI don't want to kind of Pretend
about that, that that is notsome people's realities, just as
how kind of Leslie describedwhat got us to talk about this.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
We also just wanted to make clear that you do have
some control around who you letin to your circle, and I really
think that that's the main pointthat we're saying that if we
are committed to living ajoy-filled life and we're not
(34:42):
talking about transienthappiness, we're talking about
living the life that fulfills us, enriches us and the life that
we believe God created us tolive, then it takes it's our
responsibility to start thinkingabout the people that are in
our circle and the people thatare in our ear, the people that
(35:04):
we are holding close to us.
If they are, if they mesh withthe people that we want to be.
I remember when I was a highschool teacher, young girls
would come to me with so muchrelationship, angst and crying
(35:26):
and tearful and whatever.
And I said to them I rememberthat you know, these
relationships should feel goodoverall and they should make you
and your person feel good.
And when you're in relationshipwith someone and he doesn't and
you don't feel good, that'stime to reevaluate that
(35:47):
relationship.
And I'm really putting thatchecklist next to the people.
We're getting older, we don'tknow how long we have here.
So you know, I don't.
I recently had to just recently, you know separate someone, not
cut them off, but just put somedistance between me and someone
(36:11):
that was causing me some painand difficulty.
So, yeah, it's a constant thing.
It's not like it's a one anddone Right.
Right.
You know, hopefully, that I'malways growing you know.
Speaker 1 (36:25):
Yeah, leslie mentioned my book and I was
(36:46):
looking through it recentlybecause we are going to be
talking a little more about it,because I am starting up my
turning up my coaching practiceagain Now that I've taken some
much needed time away to do somelarger life planning, and so
one of the chapters is calledurgency of now and, by the way,
the name of my book is we're tooold for this.
(37:07):
I took out there was anotherword at the end of it used to be
we're too old for this shite.
I took that out so that I thinkit was interfering with, with
the platforms, because, you know, certain words aren't allowed.
We're too old for this.
(37:27):
And it really kind of speaks tosome of the, some of the rules,
some of the, the, the decisionsthat we've made, and now, at
such a time as this, that wehave the power to let go of some
(37:49):
of those things.
And in the section where I talkabout the urgency of now, I
thought of it because of whatLeslie just said, that we have
more time behind us than aheadof us, right, yes, the sooner we
(38:16):
start now, the more time wehave to enjoy the time we have
left right, the sooner we startdoing those things that we have
thought about doing, whetherit's to go somewhere or to do
something, or to no longer havesomeone or something loom larger
in your life than it deserves.
Now is the time to do that.
Right now is the time.
(38:36):
There's no greater, better,more impactful time than now.
Speaker 2 (38:43):
And I was telling a friend on the phone just
yesterday she's in a difficultsituation and I said you know,
if what you want to move towardis this, then the day to start
moving toward this is today, andit might take you three years
to get there or five years toget there, but you have to start
(39:05):
today if this is going to beyour goal.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Right, right.
It's like what does your, yourfuture self, what?
What decisions can you make nowthat your future self would say
oh my God, I'm so glad youdecided to do that you know
instead of why, why?
Speaker 2 (39:24):
why are we still?
But why you could have donethis five years ago and you know
I say that about my priormarriage.
I'm like why did I, you know?
But you know, one of my sayingsI think about is yesterday.
I said tomorrow, you know.
(39:47):
So yeah, wow.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
Yesterday I said tomorrow, wow, yeah, yeah wow,
so okay well, anything else,anything else you want to share,
any other?
Speaker 2 (40:03):
any other of my, of my you know ill-timed, but I'll
just say that right now.
It was like this at the startof the conversation, but now
that the pluses are you know theWell.
Remember, you recently got offprobation, so you're tenured, so
(40:25):
I can't quit you.
It's a contract now you know.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
And I, you know, I, I , you know, I dig Me what?
Nah, I dig, yeah, I yeah, I'llkeep you.
I dig what we have.
I dig what we, what werepresent to others.
I dig like our friend group somuch.
(40:51):
To others.
I dig like our friend groups somuch.
My firstborn had dinner, lunch,brunch with two of my friends,
just not be.
I had nothing to do with it.
I had nothing at all to do withit.
Just I went out with aunt thisand aunt that and I'm like it's
a beautiful thing that werepresent to our children, that
(41:13):
we have these friendships thatare solid.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
And allies.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Allies.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Allies.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
People that they can call to.
That's a good thing.
That's a good filter.
Would you allow your childrento hang out with them?
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1 (41:29):
Whether you have children or not.
Speaker 2 (41:31):
If you had children, yeah, yeah, if you had children,
would they be?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Right, and you know some friends have a little, you
know they have that thing aboutthem.
That quirkyness it's them, butit's not me, but are they going
to be able to be good for yourkids?
It's a really good filter foryou to use.
Will they know when to turnthat down or when not to turn
(41:57):
that down?
Sure.
With your kids, those types ofthings.
Anyway, we could go on.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
Yeah, we can but we can go on for 50 more years.
Oh man.
So we are going to have suchgreat conversations for you
coming up, so just remember, hit, like and subscribe, because
you're going to be happy you did.
We're going to bringinteresting content to you.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Yeah, we have some great guests coming up, just so
elated that a few pretty, prettybig names have reached out to
us to ask if they could be onour podcast and have accepted
our request for joining us asour guest.
So please come on back for more.
Speaker 2 (42:46):
All right, and I'll say this has been another
episode of Black Boomer Bestiesfrom Brooklyn, brooklyn.
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