August 18, 2020 • 16 mins
In this first episode of the Black Enso podcast, Mikaal Sulaiman, the Black Enso host, works through his thoughts on Agoraphobia. His stream of thought essay relates Agoraphobia to his health, his blackness, and his ego.
link to post-accident photo: https://www.blackensomedia.com/episode-1
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mikaal (00:01):
Salaams and salutations, my name is Mikaal Sulaiman and
this is the Black Enso podcast.
For those of you who might notknow what an Enso is, it's part
of the Zen practice of drawing acircle in a single stroke and
(00:23):
the resulting and perfections ofthe circle represent a person's
inner, emotional and creativelife printed on the canvas.
In this context, my paint iseverything you'll hear.
And my canvas is this podcast,imperfections and all.
Welcome.
(00:49):
Today's Enso is aboutagoraphobia.
The fear of fear.
The dictionary definition ofagoraphobia is quote, the
abnormal fear of being helplessin a situation from which escape
may be difficult orembarrassing.
It is characterized initially bypanic or anticipatory anxiety,
(01:11):
and finally, by the avoidance ofopen or public places.
End quote.
Fear of being helpless, fear ofbeing embarrassed, fear of
anticipatory anxiety.
The fear of fear.
Agoraphobia is usuallycharacterized by someone who is
(01:32):
terrified to leave the safety oftheir home.
So of course, I'm talking aboutagoraphobia during the panic of
a pandemic.
During a time when we're forcedor at least encouraged to stay
in doors.
But I want to talk aboutagoraphobia on a few different
levels.
(01:54):
The first level is an incrediblestory that my mom told me once.
It's actually how I learned whatthe word agoraphobia was for the
first time.
Uh, actually before I get intothat, I have a quick story, a
true story.
Um, when I was like five or six,I learned what paralyzed meant
(02:14):
one day.
My older brother, Amir told me.
And serendipitously that sameday, I decided to ride down a
relatively steep hill in frontof my home with my eyes closed.
I was very adventurous.
Anyway, these two thingslearning about the word
paralyzed and writing blindedhad nothing to do with each
(02:34):
other at the time.
But these two facts collidedwhen I eventually blindedly
slammed into a part flatbedtruck and flipped over it.
I happened to land near my frontyard, a few feet away from the
bottom of the hill.
And I was screaming at the topof my lungs.
(02:55):
I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed.
Uh, my whole family came runningout of the house along with a
few concern neighbors.
Rest assured, I wasn't paralyzedbut I did break my leg.
Link to a photo post accident inthe show notes.
(03:15):
So back to my mom's story, whenI first heard the word
agoraphobia, I was in my earlytwenties and my mom told me a
story.
She said she heard on the radiodriving to work.
For context, at the time 9/11recently happened and the entire
country was steeped inanticipatory anxiety, terrified
(03:37):
of more attacks.
The news story she heard wasabout a woman who happened to
live near LaGuardia airport inNew York city, who was crippled
with fear to the extent that shecouldn't leave her home.
She of course became anagoraphobic, but the ironic and
troubling turn is that a planecrashed into her house, killing
(03:59):
her and others nearby.
It's unclear if the plane waslanding or taking off my mom
didn't remember.
But what we do know is that thesafety of this woman's home,
which happened to be nearLaGuardia airport, turned out to
be the most dangerous place forher to be.
After hearing that tragic story.
(04:22):
I never forgot the wordagoraphobia.
Now, although my mom swears, sheheard the story on a drive to
work.
It turns out it doesn't actuallyexist.
And might not be true at all.
I did a deep dive online.
I of course won't call momduke'sa liar.
So we'll chalk that up to theMandela Effect.
If you look into what theMandela Effect is, try not to
(04:44):
get lost down the rabbit hole,It's nuts.
But true or not, the LaGuardiastory makes me think a lot about
our current situation.
Where is a safe place.
I've of course been thinkingabout the idea of safety a lot
lately.
FedEx packages or ordering fooddelivery.
(05:05):
I contracted COVID-19 early inthe first days of the stay at
home order, late March.
I didn't get it nearly as bad asmost.
I was comfortably in thehospital for five days, no
ventilators or anything, butplenty of applesauce.
That time in the hospital alonemade me wonder if I was in a
safe place though, especiallysince it was so clear no one
(05:27):
knew what was going on.
Even the highly trained doctorsat the prestigious hospital I
was at.
When I left, after being at thehospital for five days, I was
told to quarantine at home, butno other instruction other than
that.
They essentially gave me a hardypat on the back and threw up the
deuces, be safe bro.
(05:48):
I guess that's really all theycould say though.
Being someone who's neverstruggled with an illness
before, especially an incurableone- currently, I've never felt
more unsafe.
I know everyone feels that way,in one way or another.
In these uncertain times.
All the uncertain times emailswe've been getting, keeps
(06:10):
reminding us of all theuncertainty.
Be safe, bro.
It's interesting.
How so much of the world, atleast early on in March and
April, was living the life of anagoraphobic.
Coronavirus anxiety, they callit.
I feel for people who arealready struggling with OCD and
hypochondria, I can't imaginebeing in that state, given the
(06:32):
current state of the world.
So here I've been home alonetrying to stay safe.
Questioning my breathing, mysense of smell, things I touch
the air, everything.
I can definitely admit I'm in aconstant state of, like the
agoraphobia definition says,fearing helplessness.
(07:04):
The second level of my thoughtson agoraphobia stem from the
recent Brianna Taylor and GeorgeFloyd protests.
Especially considering BriannaTaylor was killed in her own
home.
Or Botham Jean, who was alsokilled in his own home.
It turns out racism can infestour safest spaces.
(07:24):
It's bizarre to think that evenat home, I have to remember that
I may need to shoot up my handsand say, don't shoot.
Quote, to be a Negro in thiscountry and to be relatively
conscious is to be in a ragealmost all the time, end quote.
It's amazing that James Baldwinis still telling fortunes to
this day from the grave.
(07:47):
A friend of mine sent me a textabout a month ago.
They heard something from afriend of theirs who works in
law enforcement.
A section of the text messagereads.
The NAACP has received credibleinformation that some of the
white nationalist groups andwhite supremacy groups have
initiations happening thisweekend.
As part of the initiation, it issaid that they will be looking
(08:11):
to snatch black men and boys andhang them, shoot them, torture
them and kill them.
end quote.
That weekend.
When I got the text was justafter the inspiring and
beautiful protest in honor ofBrianna Taylor and George Floyd
that took place all over theworld.
Everyone said enough is enough.
(08:31):
And yet the white supremacistssaw the protests and said,
enough is enough.
It's confounding to know thatthere are still people who hate
from the soul perspective ofrace.
But I'm not confused.
I know what it is and why it'sdying so slowly.
But that's not my point.
My point is that when I got thetext, I actually decided not to
(08:55):
go outside that weekend during apandemic.
It was obviously an easydecision.
But what a time to be alive whenI need to make life or death
decisions about leaving my ownhome to grab almond milk.
But after all, even my homemight get infiltrated by gunmen
who shoot first and don't askquestions at all.
About a week ago, I went for awalk in my neighborhood at night
(09:18):
just to get some fresh air andstretch my lungs.
Before I was a block away fromhome, a police car passed by me
and then made a u-turn andparked on the same side of the
street I was walking on withtheir headlights pointing at me.
Mind you, this is after theprotest.
The police cars windows wererolled down.
Since the officers were wearingK95 masks, the officers tried to
(09:40):
smile with their eyes.
Gave a head nod as I passed, besafe bro.
Maybe they made a drastic u-turnat 10:00 PM at night, just to
say hi or more likely the ageold, politeness as monitoring.
You already know clothingstores, pharmacies, and so on.
Should we forgive them for theyknow not what they do.
(10:03):
I kept it moving.
I didn't nod back.
I squinted with my eyes whilewearing my quarantine mask as I
looked into the dark car.
Like the agoraphobia definitionsays, fear of anticipatory
anxiety.
Which can be a default statewhen you're black in America.
(10:28):
Agoraphobia has made me reflecton a third level as well.
The most tender and dangerouspart of me, the safest place I
know, my ego.
If ever there was a place we canall recoil into and remind
ourselves of how right we are,or how smart we are, or how much
better than anyone else we are,the ego is the perfect place to
(10:52):
rest and resist the dangers ofgrowth.
As I worked on this episode,this Enso, I had a conversation
with the same older brother,Amir, a poet.
He's going to be on the nextepisode more on that later
though.
But he thinks of the ego asbeing within us, think of a
(11:13):
Russian babushka doll or Gollumwithin the cave.
But I think of the ego as aplace that we can all enter and
leave.
Of course we're usually half inand half out most of the time,
but there are times when one canfully leave that place.
I realized that there is acreative agoraphobia that one
(11:35):
can have.
When someone is locked in theiregotistical space, inside
themselves, unable or unwillingto leave that space and grow,
maybe even flourish.
Because we're all convincedthat, surely, the ego space,
which is nonjudgmental orcritical, is going to protect us
(11:56):
from the possibility of gettinghurt.
Like the agoraphobia definitionsays, fear of being embarrassed.
Before starting this podcast,like many creative agoraphobics.
I was cozy in the affirming andsupportive ego space.
I never worried about being toldthat I'm corny or weird or hack
(12:18):
or whack.
I was chilling in a 5.1 surroundsound system and my ego space
with just chill, bro, on repeat.
The bridge after the secondhook, amazing.
But the truth is so many pseudomotivational speakers will
remind us, that ain't it.
(12:41):
Alvin Toffler says quote, theilliterate of the 21st century
will not be those who cannotread and write, but those who
cannot learn unlearn andrelearn, end quote.
I heard that when listening toChris Do from the future, which
is a company, not a place I wentto in a DeLorean.
(13:01):
He talks about how you and I,our hypothesis, a thesis
statement that needs to beproven time and again.
We need to use something likeToffler's growth, triangle of
learn, unlearn, and relearn, whowe are day to day.
We have a sense of ourselves andwe need to discover when that
(13:22):
changes to something new andunlearn that old way of being,
and then be willing to learnthis new characteristic or
interest or whatever.
We must always challenge thehypothesis about ourselves.
The ego space is like whathappens to fleas in a matchbox.
Our ceiling is reinforced sooften by self-talk that we can't
(13:44):
imagine going beyond ourexpectations.
So we don't, I've told myselfmany things over the years, but
being a podcaster within the seaof so many other podcasts was
never one of them.
It was more like, that's cornybro.
You can't possibly have anythingnew to say, but that ain't it.
(14:11):
Matt Essam talks about how weare living in our own movie and
our memories are on repeat.
So of course we're bored withour own story.
But it doesn't change the factthat our movie is worth
watching.
Maybe only a few will come to myart house movie theater, or
maybe a lot.
But my story, our story, isworth screening.
So the fear of fear has subsidedand I've gotten over my creative
(14:32):
agoraphobia, for the time being.
And I'm moving out of the egospace and I'm trying to brave
the new conditions of the greatunknown, as the definition says,
open or public place, the growthspace.
Now my surround sound system,I'm listening to keep going,
(14:52):
keep growing, on repeat, thebaseline is ill.
This podcast is an offering toyou and to myself, actually.
Black Enso will be a place wherewe discover people's stories and
(15:14):
journeys.
We will celebrate their Ensos inall of its imperfections.
In the next episode, I'll betalking to my older brother,
Amir Sulaiman, your favoritepoet's, favorite poet.
He's a world class performerwith a world of knowledge
swirling in his mind.
On the episode, he talks aboutwriting on Ramy, the Hulu show
(15:35):
and his feelings about not beingnominated for an Emmy award.
And most interestingly, hedissects the idea of whether or
not we're living in asimulation.
Spoiler, he says we are, butit's not in the way you think.
You can find the Black Enso shownotes on www.blackensomedia.com
and follow us on Instagram@blackensomedia.
(15:57):
Tell your friends, tell yourenemies, we welcome everyone.
Salaams and salutations.
Be safe bro.
Salaams and salutations, my name is Mikaal Sulaiman and
this is the Black Enso podcast.
For those of you who might notknow what an Enso is, it's part
of the Zen practice of drawing acircle in a single stroke and
(00:23):
the resulting and perfections ofthe circle represent a person's
inner, emotional and creativelife printed on the canvas.
In this context, my paint iseverything you'll hear.
And my canvas is this podcast,imperfections and all.
Welcome.
(00:49):
Today's Enso is aboutagoraphobia.
The fear of fear.
The dictionary definition ofagoraphobia is quote, the
abnormal fear of being helplessin a situation from which escape
may be difficult orembarrassing.
It is characterized initially bypanic or anticipatory anxiety,
(01:11):
and finally, by the avoidance ofopen or public places.
End quote.
Fear of being helpless, fear ofbeing embarrassed, fear of
anticipatory anxiety.
The fear of fear.
Agoraphobia is usuallycharacterized by someone who is
(01:32):
terrified to leave the safety oftheir home.
So of course, I'm talking aboutagoraphobia during the panic of
a pandemic.
During a time when we're forcedor at least encouraged to stay
in doors.
But I want to talk aboutagoraphobia on a few different
levels.
(01:54):
The first level is an incrediblestory that my mom told me once.
It's actually how I learned whatthe word agoraphobia was for the
first time.
Uh, actually before I get intothat, I have a quick story, a
true story.
Um, when I was like five or six,I learned what paralyzed meant
(02:14):
one day.
My older brother, Amir told me.
And serendipitously that sameday, I decided to ride down a
relatively steep hill in frontof my home with my eyes closed.
I was very adventurous.
Anyway, these two thingslearning about the word
paralyzed and writing blindedhad nothing to do with each
(02:34):
other at the time.
But these two facts collidedwhen I eventually blindedly
slammed into a part flatbedtruck and flipped over it.
I happened to land near my frontyard, a few feet away from the
bottom of the hill.
And I was screaming at the topof my lungs.
(02:55):
I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed.
Uh, my whole family came runningout of the house along with a
few concern neighbors.
Rest assured, I wasn't paralyzedbut I did break my leg.
Link to a photo post accident inthe show notes.
(03:15):
So back to my mom's story, whenI first heard the word
agoraphobia, I was in my earlytwenties and my mom told me a
story.
She said she heard on the radiodriving to work.
For context, at the time 9/11recently happened and the entire
country was steeped inanticipatory anxiety, terrified
(03:37):
of more attacks.
The news story she heard wasabout a woman who happened to
live near LaGuardia airport inNew York city, who was crippled
with fear to the extent that shecouldn't leave her home.
She of course became anagoraphobic, but the ironic and
troubling turn is that a planecrashed into her house, killing
(03:59):
her and others nearby.
It's unclear if the plane waslanding or taking off my mom
didn't remember.
But what we do know is that thesafety of this woman's home,
which happened to be nearLaGuardia airport, turned out to
be the most dangerous place forher to be.
After hearing that tragic story.
(04:22):
I never forgot the wordagoraphobia.
Now, although my mom swears, sheheard the story on a drive to
work.
It turns out it doesn't actuallyexist.
And might not be true at all.
I did a deep dive online.
I of course won't call momduke'sa liar.
So we'll chalk that up to theMandela Effect.
If you look into what theMandela Effect is, try not to
(04:44):
get lost down the rabbit hole,It's nuts.
But true or not, the LaGuardiastory makes me think a lot about
our current situation.
Where is a safe place.
I've of course been thinkingabout the idea of safety a lot
lately.
FedEx packages or ordering fooddelivery.
(05:05):
I contracted COVID-19 early inthe first days of the stay at
home order, late March.
I didn't get it nearly as bad asmost.
I was comfortably in thehospital for five days, no
ventilators or anything, butplenty of applesauce.
That time in the hospital alonemade me wonder if I was in a
safe place though, especiallysince it was so clear no one
(05:27):
knew what was going on.
Even the highly trained doctorsat the prestigious hospital I
was at.
When I left, after being at thehospital for five days, I was
told to quarantine at home, butno other instruction other than
that.
They essentially gave me a hardypat on the back and threw up the
deuces, be safe bro.
(05:48):
I guess that's really all theycould say though.
Being someone who's neverstruggled with an illness
before, especially an incurableone- currently, I've never felt
more unsafe.
I know everyone feels that way,in one way or another.
In these uncertain times.
All the uncertain times emailswe've been getting, keeps
(06:10):
reminding us of all theuncertainty.
Be safe, bro.
It's interesting.
How so much of the world, atleast early on in March and
April, was living the life of anagoraphobic.
Coronavirus anxiety, they callit.
I feel for people who arealready struggling with OCD and
hypochondria, I can't imaginebeing in that state, given the
(06:32):
current state of the world.
So here I've been home alonetrying to stay safe.
Questioning my breathing, mysense of smell, things I touch
the air, everything.
I can definitely admit I'm in aconstant state of, like the
agoraphobia definition says,fearing helplessness.
(07:04):
The second level of my thoughtson agoraphobia stem from the
recent Brianna Taylor and GeorgeFloyd protests.
Especially considering BriannaTaylor was killed in her own
home.
Or Botham Jean, who was alsokilled in his own home.
It turns out racism can infestour safest spaces.
(07:24):
It's bizarre to think that evenat home, I have to remember that
I may need to shoot up my handsand say, don't shoot.
Quote, to be a Negro in thiscountry and to be relatively
conscious is to be in a ragealmost all the time, end quote.
It's amazing that James Baldwinis still telling fortunes to
this day from the grave.
(07:47):
A friend of mine sent me a textabout a month ago.
They heard something from afriend of theirs who works in
law enforcement.
A section of the text messagereads.
The NAACP has received credibleinformation that some of the
white nationalist groups andwhite supremacy groups have
initiations happening thisweekend.
As part of the initiation, it issaid that they will be looking
(08:11):
to snatch black men and boys andhang them, shoot them, torture
them and kill them.
end quote.
That weekend.
When I got the text was justafter the inspiring and
beautiful protest in honor ofBrianna Taylor and George Floyd
that took place all over theworld.
Everyone said enough is enough.
(08:31):
And yet the white supremacistssaw the protests and said,
enough is enough.
It's confounding to know thatthere are still people who hate
from the soul perspective ofrace.
But I'm not confused.
I know what it is and why it'sdying so slowly.
But that's not my point.
My point is that when I got thetext, I actually decided not to
(08:55):
go outside that weekend during apandemic.
It was obviously an easydecision.
But what a time to be alive whenI need to make life or death
decisions about leaving my ownhome to grab almond milk.
But after all, even my homemight get infiltrated by gunmen
who shoot first and don't askquestions at all.
About a week ago, I went for awalk in my neighborhood at night
(09:18):
just to get some fresh air andstretch my lungs.
Before I was a block away fromhome, a police car passed by me
and then made a u-turn andparked on the same side of the
street I was walking on withtheir headlights pointing at me.
Mind you, this is after theprotest.
The police cars windows wererolled down.
Since the officers were wearingK95 masks, the officers tried to
(09:40):
smile with their eyes.
Gave a head nod as I passed, besafe bro.
Maybe they made a drastic u-turnat 10:00 PM at night, just to
say hi or more likely the ageold, politeness as monitoring.
You already know clothingstores, pharmacies, and so on.
Should we forgive them for theyknow not what they do.
(10:03):
I kept it moving.
I didn't nod back.
I squinted with my eyes whilewearing my quarantine mask as I
looked into the dark car.
Like the agoraphobia definitionsays, fear of anticipatory
anxiety.
Which can be a default statewhen you're black in America.
(10:28):
Agoraphobia has made me reflecton a third level as well.
The most tender and dangerouspart of me, the safest place I
know, my ego.
If ever there was a place we canall recoil into and remind
ourselves of how right we are,or how smart we are, or how much
better than anyone else we are,the ego is the perfect place to
(10:52):
rest and resist the dangers ofgrowth.
As I worked on this episode,this Enso, I had a conversation
with the same older brother,Amir, a poet.
He's going to be on the nextepisode more on that later
though.
But he thinks of the ego asbeing within us, think of a
(11:13):
Russian babushka doll or Gollumwithin the cave.
But I think of the ego as aplace that we can all enter and
leave.
Of course we're usually half inand half out most of the time,
but there are times when one canfully leave that place.
I realized that there is acreative agoraphobia that one
(11:35):
can have.
When someone is locked in theiregotistical space, inside
themselves, unable or unwillingto leave that space and grow,
maybe even flourish.
Because we're all convincedthat, surely, the ego space,
which is nonjudgmental orcritical, is going to protect us
(11:56):
from the possibility of gettinghurt.
Like the agoraphobia definitionsays, fear of being embarrassed.
Before starting this podcast,like many creative agoraphobics.
I was cozy in the affirming andsupportive ego space.
I never worried about being toldthat I'm corny or weird or hack
(12:18):
or whack.
I was chilling in a 5.1 surroundsound system and my ego space
with just chill, bro, on repeat.
The bridge after the secondhook, amazing.
But the truth is so many pseudomotivational speakers will
remind us, that ain't it.
(12:41):
Alvin Toffler says quote, theilliterate of the 21st century
will not be those who cannotread and write, but those who
cannot learn unlearn andrelearn, end quote.
I heard that when listening toChris Do from the future, which
is a company, not a place I wentto in a DeLorean.
(13:01):
He talks about how you and I,our hypothesis, a thesis
statement that needs to beproven time and again.
We need to use something likeToffler's growth, triangle of
learn, unlearn, and relearn, whowe are day to day.
We have a sense of ourselves andwe need to discover when that
(13:22):
changes to something new andunlearn that old way of being,
and then be willing to learnthis new characteristic or
interest or whatever.
We must always challenge thehypothesis about ourselves.
The ego space is like whathappens to fleas in a matchbox.
Our ceiling is reinforced sooften by self-talk that we can't
(13:44):
imagine going beyond ourexpectations.
So we don't, I've told myselfmany things over the years, but
being a podcaster within the seaof so many other podcasts was
never one of them.
It was more like, that's cornybro.
You can't possibly have anythingnew to say, but that ain't it.
(14:11):
Matt Essam talks about how weare living in our own movie and
our memories are on repeat.
So of course we're bored withour own story.
But it doesn't change the factthat our movie is worth
watching.
Maybe only a few will come to myart house movie theater, or
maybe a lot.
But my story, our story, isworth screening.
So the fear of fear has subsidedand I've gotten over my creative
(14:32):
agoraphobia, for the time being.
And I'm moving out of the egospace and I'm trying to brave
the new conditions of the greatunknown, as the definition says,
open or public place, the growthspace.
Now my surround sound system,I'm listening to keep going,
(14:52):
keep growing, on repeat, thebaseline is ill.
This podcast is an offering toyou and to myself, actually.
Black Enso will be a place wherewe discover people's stories and
(15:14):
journeys.
We will celebrate their Ensos inall of its imperfections.
In the next episode, I'll betalking to my older brother,
Amir Sulaiman, your favoritepoet's, favorite poet.
He's a world class performerwith a world of knowledge
swirling in his mind.
On the episode, he talks aboutwriting on Ramy, the Hulu show
(15:35):
and his feelings about not beingnominated for an Emmy award.
And most interestingly, hedissects the idea of whether or
not we're living in asimulation.
Spoiler, he says we are, butit's not in the way you think.
You can find the Black Enso shownotes on www.blackensomedia.com
and follow us on Instagram@blackensomedia.
(15:57):
Tell your friends, tell yourenemies, we welcome everyone.
Salaams and salutations.
Be safe bro.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.