April 19, 2022 • 28 mins
Nicole Bailey takes a seat on Black Family Table Talk to share a personal journey of pregnancy and birth. She explains how to avoid situations many new mothers find themselves in (like Serena and Beyonce) and ways to prepare for a peace-filled birthing experience.
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Nicole Bailey (00:00):
Once we stopped receiving slaves from Africa and
(00:03):
they wanted us to birth moreslaves to work the land is
that's when they brought ingynecologist because they were
like, Okay I want this woman toproduce me some more slaves like
what's going on? That's whenthey started taking you know
interest in us procreating.
Tony (00:24):
Welcome to season six of Black Family Table Talk. We are
your host, Tony and Toni. Listenin weekly as we share unique
stories that inspire, build, andgive voice to strengthen black
families.
Toni Henson (00:38):
This season is sponsored by Fran's body care.
These are handmade products madefrom organic ingredients. I
personally recommend you tryFree Me deodorant, it really
works! And it's free of aluminumtaupe perfumes and other harmful
pore clogging substances. Youcan shop these and other black
(00:58):
owned businesses on our websiteat BlackFamilyTableTalk.com.
Tony (01:05):
Good morning. Welcome to Black Family Table Talk!
Toni Henson (01:08):
Miss Nicole Bailey.
I am so excited. I was like ohmy gosh! This topic - we have
four children. Gave birth tothree, adopted one and this
topic.
Nicole Bailey (01:25):
Tell me about it.
How were the birth? I have toknow.
Toni Henson (01:29):
It was.. they were incredible. And I'm gonna tell
you why I ain't gonna pull nopunches, children, the ones that
I birthed when they came from mybelly and the one that came from
my heart. That was the mostimportant thing I think I've
ever done in my life. And Icould not have done it without a
supportive family husband. Iwant to talk about that canal
(01:53):
health. How did you come towrite this book?
Nicole Bailey (01:58):
Oh, my goodness.
So I gave birth. I had anincredible birth story. I almost
have my daughter at home, quitefrankly. And like you said, me
and my husband, we just we justwork through the birth and the
preparation really closelytogether. We had we hired a
doula, we interviewed doulas, wefound one that we really
(02:21):
connected with. She built agreat relationship with us. We
practice birth together. Shetaught him how to be there for
me, how to support me, how tomassage, whatever it was, what
positions I needed to be in,putting me in the bath. He's not
a nurturing soul. Okay, this manis not a nurturing soul, by no
(02:45):
means, so it's not that he'sjust that type of man. She just
taught him what to do. And hejust stepped into line. I
promise you, when I see peoplelike, oh, I kept track of my own
contractions. I have no, I wasjust zoned out. I was just, I
always tell people, I felt likeI was in an alternate universe,
(03:08):
going to get my baby and tryingto bring her to Earth. It just
felt like I don't know where Iwas for like, five or six hours.
I was like, Where was I? Andthen I just snapped out of it. I
was like, she's ready. I have topush her out. Mind you, we're
still in our apartment. Sothey're like, hold on, let's get
to the hospital. And it was justa beautiful experience. And like
(03:31):
you said, I felt so strong. Ifelt so powerful. I never knew
why people felt like women werethe closest thing to God until
that moment. And I was like, Oh
Toni Henson (03:44):
Amen.
Nicole Bailey (03:44):
That's really remarkable. And just to see how
my gosh,much power women and black women
are giving away every day withbirth, just whatever the doctor
says, I'm just like, You reallycan do this, like your body was
made to do this. You just haveto tune into your body. And I
(04:04):
was like, I'm gonna write a bookabout how I prepared, how I
tuned into my body, listen to mybody, prepared my family. And I
just want more people to have abetter experience, just an
experience that they're proudof, an experience that they feel
like they were a part of. Notjust that they were just handing
(04:26):
everything over to the hospitalstaff, because that's really,
that's just not that's not evenhalf of how beautiful it could
feel.
Tony (04:36):
Well, tell us about the preparation, the discussion,
what's a doula?
Nicole Bailey (04:42):
Okay, so a doula provides the mental, physical,
and maybe the spiritual supportand the knowledge that you need
to give birth. They have helpedmany women birth. They have so
much knowledge, maybe just likein your area, they might know
what hospitals are common for Csections, they might know who
(05:06):
can help - what lactationconsultants can help with
breastfeeding. They're a reallygood resource in the motherhood
community. Helping you preparefor birth, helping you deal with
like newborn wounds and woes. Sothat's what doulas really can
do. They can help encourage you,they can give you tips. My Doula
(05:31):
was absolutely amazing. She hadso many resources, just whether
it was books, or maybe shealready paid for a subscription
for an app that prepare forlike, meditation during birth.
Like she just gave so muchdifferent foods to eat for
healing. I mean, she was justamazing. Absolutely amazing.
(05:54):
Some people just think, oh, likemy mom. But I mean, if your mom
didn't have that idealexperience, and she can't guide
you there, you still need adoula, like a doula is really
hands on, and they reallysupport you in a way that family
members cannot and familymembers is just like working
with family like you never knowwhat what they're going to try
(06:16):
to bring into the dynamics. Anddoulas can just provide whatever
you want, and more.
Tony (06:24):
That's wonderful. What was the discussion you had with your
husband? In preparation forhiring a doula? I mean, that's
not something that people,that's not on everybody's radar.
Nicole Bailey (06:39):
You're right. I sometimes talk to some of my
girlfriends now. And I'm like,You should get a doula. And
they're like, Oh, my husband ormy boyfriend doesn't think I
need a doula. And I'm like, he'sthat passionate about you not
having a doula. I don't feellike my husband was that
passionate about me not doingsomething - he lets me be a
(07:01):
woman. So if I say, Hey, I hearthat this works well, for women.
Like he's not gonna block it.
It wasn't a deep discussion. Iwas just like, This is what a
duel is and this is what amidwife is, I want both. And
then he just supported me, hewent on the interviews, he's
very intuitive. So if he didn'tget a good feel, he's like, Oh,
(07:22):
I don't really know how much Ifelt connected to that person.
And when he got the goodfeelings, I think that that's a
good fit.
Tony (07:30):
So where did your awareness come from?
Nicole Bailey (07:35):
I'm still trying to figure out why I got so
passionate about it. I knew thatI was really afraid of needles.
That was one thing. I was like,I don't want to epidural. I'm
pretty eat healthy and workout.
I'd rather take care of myselfbefore a needing any type of
intervention in general. So Iguess I'm hands off with like
(07:57):
medical. So I think that wasprobably my first thing was
like, I'm not trying to get a Csection. I believe women were
meant to do this. I really do.
That's how the whole world ispopulated. And I, I just
believed in myself and my bodythat it was meant to do this.
And so I just started watchingdocumentaries, and the business
(08:21):
of being born by Ricki Lake is areally good documentary, and she
kind of just breaks down howhospitals, they have their own
goals, they have their ownmetrics, really has nothing to
do with you. And I just starteddoing more research and watching
like doula diaries off ofFacebook, or there's like a
(08:42):
midwife show from Great Britainfrom like the 40s or 30s. And
honestly, most countries stilluse midwives, the US is the only
one that's like, we use doctorsmore than midwives.
Toni Henson (08:56):
It is such a natural process. When I had my
first child, my firstborn son, Iwas reading these books and I
went to my doctor and Iabsolutely blessed this day. She
said this, and this was 28 yearsago. This was before we had
access to information at ourfingertips. My doctor said to
(09:21):
me, First of all, it hurts.
That's what she said. Givingbirth hurts. You can do this,
it is a very natural process,I'm just there to coach you in.I
was like, Oh. That was mydoctor, do you remember he
doctor Her name?
Tony (09:46):
Yvette Bridges
Toni Henson (09:47):
You're right, Dr.
bridges in New Jersey. And thatwhen she told me that it was
like, Just get all that stuffout of your head. God has this
all figured out already. I'mjust there to make sure nothing
and goes wrong. And I was like,Okay. I was one of those that I
wanted natural birth, I didn'twant epidural. But when the pain
(10:07):
came, I was like, Give it to menow, I need it. So I wasn't as
strong as but the one thing thatI can say, I was in labor for 31
hours. And that's a long time,but Dr. Bridges actually was not
available when my baby came, itwas her covering doctor. He was
(10:33):
also good. His name was Bowers.
Anyway, Dr. Bowers said,whenever you're ready, we're
ready. And he didn't want topush me or anything. And other
(10:54):
doctors would have been like youneed to get a C section. He says
that long as the baby is not indistress and you're okay, that
we don't need to do a C. 31hours. I don't even hear about
labor's that long anymore.
Because like you said, themedical community, they have
their own agenda. And when itcomes to black people and our
(11:15):
history with health care, ourbest interests is not in the
forefront of that agenda. And wehave a famous story, Serena
Williams, who documents andtalks about very much so how she
was discarded and during thebirth of her child. This book is
(11:36):
important, not only for the pastgeneration, because me ready to
be a grandma and getting readyfor my children to give birth.
We don't have any yet. But weneed to understand how mom needs
to be supported all the wayaround. We don't need to put the
(11:58):
stress and I can get on thesoapbox, I'm gonna let you - you
the expert, you wrote the book.
Mom doesn't need to be stressed.
Mom needs her feet rubbed. Momneeds to calm down. Mom doesn't
need to have to be stressing atwork. Doesn't need to worry
about where her partner is. Thisis no longer about the
(12:20):
individuals, this is no longerabout the dad, is no longer
about the mom, it's about thebaby. And your relationship has
to be strong. And I meancommitted. And the best way to
signify committed, and I knowthis is very controversial, is
through marriage. God has all ofthis setup for us. Not this this
polyamorous stuff, not all ofthis other stuff go. It is
(12:45):
really, truly structured andit's a foundation. God gives
very specific rules in terms ofwhat family is. And if it
doesn't work out for you thatway. Fine. Try to get back to
that. That's the baseline thatit works in. And I can tell you
people ask us all the time, whyare your kids so successful,
(13:08):
what did you do? That's what wedid. We made sure and we've had
our marriage problems, God knowswe've had them. But we made sure
that we were whole and fullbefore we got married and
decided to have children. Wewaited four years before we had
children, because we wanted tomake sure our relationship was
(13:29):
strong. Coming from divorcedparents I did not want to bring,
give birth to children inunstable environment.
Nicole Bailey (13:39):
No. You hit my heartstrings because we recently
got married. So we had ourdaughter before we got married.
And I was very adamant aboutneeding to get married. People
would try to like, Oh, well,what's the difference, y'all
been together. Oh, no, we'regoing to need to get married.
(14:01):
I'm not about to confuse thislittle girl when she get older.
Why didn't y'all get me? We'regonna get married. So we
actually just got married inOctober. And I even felt like
our relationship is stronger,because we're a real family now.
I feel like a real family. Itjust feels different. And it
feels stronger, even though wewere able to work through and
(14:23):
have that baby together. Whenthat baby came, and we weren't
married, I felt a lot of stress.
I felt a lot of inconsistencieslike he would just be a little
confused and stressed and it wasalmost like he thought he could
still leave and I'm like, Whatare you talking about? You know
(14:43):
what I mean? So it was justlike, No, we need to be married
because you don't need to feellike you can have one foot in
and out the door. Because me, myparents been married for 35
years. My grandparents weremarried to the day my
grandmother passed. All mycousin's, everybody's married in
my family. So it just feltuncomfortable to me. Like, I was
(15:05):
just like, You're sounding likeyou just think this is like
maybe. I don't feel comfortablein focusing on my daughter if
you know what I mean? Becausethen you're like, Do you feel
left out enough to want to leaveor something.I totally agree.
Tony (15:28):
Well, thank God it worked out.
Toni Henson (15:30):
I just gonna really quickly interject that.
Everybody doesn't always get itright because we're human. We
are human first. But we've gotto get try our best to stay
within that standard. And that'smy point.
Nicole Bailey (15:45):
I agree.
Tony (15:45):
Amen. Amen. You preachin' there. Well because God always
gives everybody chances. Godloves us so much that if you
don't do it within hisguidelines, he's still there for
you. And he's there with openarms to always welcome you back
(16:08):
as a family. Amen. So we don'twe don't have to throw things
away if things don't go right.
You can always get back in goodgraces with God. And I encourage
everyone that ist' not the end.
Because like you said,everybody's human. And we all
make mistakes. But that's notthe end. You're mistakes don't
(16:30):
make you who you are.
Toni Henson (16:32):
I don't believe children are mistakes at all.
And I know you're not sayingthat. I'm just saying that he
can get us on track.
Tony (16:43):
He wants best for us.
Toni Henson (16:45):
You shared getting to birth, how are things going
with mommy hood.
Nicole Bailey (16:50):
She is almost three years old. She'll be three
in May. She is an absolute joy,the happiest little girl you'll
ever seen. Just always bubbly,they're at gymnastics now. And
she's just so fun. As a firsttime mom, so I was very strict
about everything. Kind of likehow I study for birth. I was
(17:12):
kind of the same way with like,the beginning of motherhood,
like I was like, Okay, Ibreastfed for 14-15 months. I
was trying to make organicbabies. Just very hands on.
Transitioning from bassinet tocrib, crib to toddler bed. Like
I did everything veryregimented. And my dad was
(17:34):
military. So I kind of blame himfor my extra regimen. But I
think it worked out because Iget it I am very structured and
so the friends that are like,Oh, my kid is still in the band.
I'm like, My kid goes to bed at8:30 or 8 o'clock to 8:30. Maybe
(17:54):
nine o'clock on the Saturday.
There's no running out. She'sloved. She knows she's loved.
We'll recap today if you feel alittle you're not ready to go to
bed. Let's talk about how muchfun we had today. What we can do
tomorrow, but good night.
Toni Henson (18:15):
I love that.
Nicole Bailey (18:16):
It really works.
It's fairly, you know, it's beeninteresting pulling our
personalities together to raisea child. That was probably the
biggest, I guess, rift. He camefrom more of a broken home. Mom
and Dad were in and out. So thegrandma kind of did a lot.
Sometimes when those grandmas doa lot they spoil. So I probably
(18:39):
am a little more strict and he'salways kind of trying to move me
away from that and I'm like, No,trust me I know that it works.
Toni Henson (18:49):
It sounds like a good cuz I think you can be a
little bit too regimented. Andchildren will press those
boundaries.
Tony (19:01):
I was going to add, now that the book is written, what's
next for you? You having bookreadings, book signings, turns a
woman to read it.
Nicole Bailey (19:19):
So I am. I have a couple of podcasts lined up just
to kind of get the word out. Idid have a book launch party
where basically we came togetherand did a circle. Like a
restorative circle with a fewwomen. Some women that I knew,
some women I didn't know. I justput it on Eventbrite, put it on
(19:40):
Instagram and was surprised thatthe women that showed up that I
didn't even know that we're insearch of community. And me and
a really good friend of mine.
She's in the education spaceleather restorative circle, and
it was very beautiful. Like wejust talked about birth and
preparation and postpartum andme and her are looking to do
(20:02):
that again. That's what I havegoing on right now is just
getting the word out. Andprobably having a few more, like
either just for restorativecircles or just in time to talk
about different aspects of thebook.
Toni Henson (20:17):
When do you think is the best time to have your
book in hand?
Nicole Bailey (20:21):
I definitely think it's best to have it
before you, get well when youget pregnant, before you give
birth. But there is maybe 1/4 ofthe book is more about
postpartum or breastfeeding. ButI think preparation and birth is
best, even, postpartumpreparation is best. So just
getting the book once you'reoverwhelmed, might not be the
(20:43):
best. So definitely having it inadvance is probably better,
even if you don't take advantageof everything for birth
preparation to have a vaginalnatural birth, still preparing
for breastfeeding. Becausethat's a small window top. Once
the milk is gone, it's notcoming back. So if you want to
get into, you really want to getinto breastfeeding, like those
(21:06):
first three months are vital.
Toni Henson (21:09):
The book really needs to go on men and women's
hands before they even thinkabout pregnancy. Because state
of mind - mentally, physically,emotionally, all of that. Male
and female, I truly am not adoctor. But I truly believe that
(21:32):
if the sperm is not healthy, andthe egg is not healthy then when
the two meet, it's going tocause dysfunction. Throughout
our years, living as blacks inAmerica, we have experienced so
much trauma,. We got, like youtalked about meditation, which
(21:53):
is the same to me as prayer, wegot to get our minds and our
bodies and our spirits settled,and make a decision to
procreate. And be mindful, youtalked about being mindful about
your body. And it shouldn't bethe result of being in a drunken
stupor, and being careless orreckless. Because having sex has
(22:18):
to be and I wrote a poem aboutthis, and it's called Slow Down.
We got to slow down, because ourlives are at stake here. I don't
know this new sexual revolutionthat we're into where people are
rewarded for multiple partnersand taking back their sexuality.
(22:43):
This is what they're saying, Idon't think that's taking back
your sexuality. What I hear arechildhood wounds speaking.
Nicole Bailey (22:52):
I totally agree.
I totally agree. Really mygeneration is doing this, but I
totally agree.
Tony (22:58):
I agree with Tony. Nicole our book should be an
educational piece for how toapproach pregnancy and that
information, it can't be toosoon to get that information.
And I don't know the age, theyteach sex education school
anymore. But taking back ourpower and the reason why we
(23:22):
started this podcast, is to helpblack families. So if it's not
happening in the schools, thisis something parents, aunts,
uncles, grandparents should say,Hey, this is a great book, I
want to share this with myniece, my daughter, my
granddaughter, let's go overthis. We're in control of this,
(23:45):
educational system shouldn't beraising our children. So as soon
as we get this information outto our nieces and nephews, sons
and daughters, the more we canunderstand, and the more
resources we have, the betterdecisions we can make. So I'm
(24:05):
all for just sharing this bookwith whoever and say, Look, this
is this may be something to helpyou as you grow up in adulthood,
this is some resources you canuse and it's about taking care
of your body, taking care ofyour mental state during
pregnancy. How do you approachit? What's your thoughts? Going
(24:29):
into this, that I'm not in thisby myself. If you had that
understanding, that kind of laysout a lot of parameters and
structures for you as you moveforward.
Nicole Bailey (24:42):
Yeah, I definitely agree. And like you
said, a black family piece. Iexplained that in the beginning
to that. One of the main reasonswhy gynecology is birth so
strongly in the US, as opposedto other countries is really
because of slavery. Which is oneof the main reasons why we
(25:02):
should work closer with midwiveswhen you have a healthy birth or
Yeah, that's that's a lot rightthere to take in.
a low risk birth as what theycall it. Why you should be
working closer with yourcommunity, with your doula or
your midwife because, honestly,gynecology was birthed. Once we
stopped receiving slaves fromAfrica and they wanted us to
(25:24):
birth more slaves to work theland is that's when they brought
in gynecologist. Because theywere like, Okay, I want this
woman to produce me some moreslaves like what's going on?
That's when they started takinginterest in as procreating. And
that's one of the strongestpieces for me to I would never
(25:46):
have a white gynecologist.
period. I just won't. I mean,I'm not saying all white people
are evil, but for me, thatperson cannot be in control of
my birth. Me bringing childreninto the world that just won't
be, that can't be my story. Soit's very important that we take
a deep look. Like you said, whySerena Williams, Beyonce, how
(26:08):
are they having these stories?
How? Why? Doesn't matter howeducated you are, how much money
you have, once you put yourhands in the system of the
medical system, you never knowwhat can happen. It doesn't even
depend who you are, doesn'tmatter as a black person. And
(26:30):
that's a problem. And it's veryclose to like what we see with
like policing of our black men.
It's very similar. And there wasa doctor that talked about that,
that I'd mentioned in the book,too. She studied how C section
and police brutality wereactually hand in hand. So yeah,
systematic racism. It's still,they're still living deeper,
(26:52):
deeper than we think.
Toni Henson (27:00):
I am blown away.
This was a great show. Do youhave one more thing you want to
take away. You want to give toour audience, our people, our
family just says too much?
Nicole Bailey (27:15):
Yes, I really want us as black woman, black
men to just take more control ofour narratives. That's something
that's constantly being fedright now. And it starts with
Tony (27:28):
It should be on everyone's bookshelf. If you ready for the
birth.
moment, you pull it off with alook just planning this thing
out. That's Black Family TableTalk.
Toni Henson (27:43):
That's what's up.
Tony (27:44):
That concludes this week's talk. We hope you found some
tools to add to your strongblack family toolbox. And be
sure to sign up for a freesubscription at
BlackFamilyTableTalk.com forspecial discounts and product
offers reserved exclusively foryou.
Toni Henson (28:02):
Don't forget to tell a friend about our weekly
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allowance is made for fair usefor purposes such as criticism,
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(28:24):
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for entertainment purposes onlydiscretion to strongly advise
and all commentary is allegedThis is a Micah six eight media
(28:45):
LLC production.
Once we stopped receiving slaves from Africa and
(00:03):
they wanted us to birth moreslaves to work the land is
that's when they brought ingynecologist because they were
like, Okay I want this woman toproduce me some more slaves like
what's going on? That's whenthey started taking you know
interest in us procreating.
Tony (00:24):
Welcome to season six of Black Family Table Talk. We are
your host, Tony and Toni. Listenin weekly as we share unique
stories that inspire, build, andgive voice to strengthen black
families.
Toni Henson (00:38):
This season is sponsored by Fran's body care.
These are handmade products madefrom organic ingredients. I
personally recommend you tryFree Me deodorant, it really
works! And it's free of aluminumtaupe perfumes and other harmful
pore clogging substances. Youcan shop these and other black
(00:58):
owned businesses on our websiteat BlackFamilyTableTalk.com.
Tony (01:05):
Good morning. Welcome to Black Family Table Talk!
Toni Henson (01:08):
Miss Nicole Bailey.
I am so excited. I was like ohmy gosh! This topic - we have
four children. Gave birth tothree, adopted one and this
topic.
Nicole Bailey (01:25):
Tell me about it.
How were the birth? I have toknow.
Toni Henson (01:29):
It was.. they were incredible. And I'm gonna tell
you why I ain't gonna pull nopunches, children, the ones that
I birthed when they came from mybelly and the one that came from
my heart. That was the mostimportant thing I think I've
ever done in my life. And Icould not have done it without a
supportive family husband. Iwant to talk about that canal
(01:53):
health. How did you come towrite this book?
Nicole Bailey (01:58):
Oh, my goodness.
So I gave birth. I had anincredible birth story. I almost
have my daughter at home, quitefrankly. And like you said, me
and my husband, we just we justwork through the birth and the
preparation really closelytogether. We had we hired a
doula, we interviewed doulas, wefound one that we really
(02:21):
connected with. She built agreat relationship with us. We
practice birth together. Shetaught him how to be there for
me, how to support me, how tomassage, whatever it was, what
positions I needed to be in,putting me in the bath. He's not
a nurturing soul. Okay, this manis not a nurturing soul, by no
(02:45):
means, so it's not that he'sjust that type of man. She just
taught him what to do. And hejust stepped into line. I
promise you, when I see peoplelike, oh, I kept track of my own
contractions. I have no, I wasjust zoned out. I was just, I
always tell people, I felt likeI was in an alternate universe,
(03:08):
going to get my baby and tryingto bring her to Earth. It just
felt like I don't know where Iwas for like, five or six hours.
I was like, Where was I? Andthen I just snapped out of it. I
was like, she's ready. I have topush her out. Mind you, we're
still in our apartment. Sothey're like, hold on, let's get
to the hospital. And it was justa beautiful experience. And like
(03:31):
you said, I felt so strong. Ifelt so powerful. I never knew
why people felt like women werethe closest thing to God until
that moment. And I was like, Oh
Toni Henson (03:44):
Amen.
Nicole Bailey (03:44):
That's really remarkable. And just to see how
my gosh,much power women and black women
are giving away every day withbirth, just whatever the doctor
says, I'm just like, You reallycan do this, like your body was
made to do this. You just haveto tune into your body. And I
(04:04):
was like, I'm gonna write a bookabout how I prepared, how I
tuned into my body, listen to mybody, prepared my family. And I
just want more people to have abetter experience, just an
experience that they're proudof, an experience that they feel
like they were a part of. Notjust that they were just handing
(04:26):
everything over to the hospitalstaff, because that's really,
that's just not that's not evenhalf of how beautiful it could
feel.
Tony (04:36):
Well, tell us about the preparation, the discussion,
what's a doula?
Nicole Bailey (04:42):
Okay, so a doula provides the mental, physical,
and maybe the spiritual supportand the knowledge that you need
to give birth. They have helpedmany women birth. They have so
much knowledge, maybe just likein your area, they might know
what hospitals are common for Csections, they might know who
(05:06):
can help - what lactationconsultants can help with
breastfeeding. They're a reallygood resource in the motherhood
community. Helping you preparefor birth, helping you deal with
like newborn wounds and woes. Sothat's what doulas really can
do. They can help encourage you,they can give you tips. My Doula
(05:31):
was absolutely amazing. She hadso many resources, just whether
it was books, or maybe shealready paid for a subscription
for an app that prepare forlike, meditation during birth.
Like she just gave so muchdifferent foods to eat for
healing. I mean, she was justamazing. Absolutely amazing.
(05:54):
Some people just think, oh, likemy mom. But I mean, if your mom
didn't have that idealexperience, and she can't guide
you there, you still need adoula, like a doula is really
hands on, and they reallysupport you in a way that family
members cannot and familymembers is just like working
with family like you never knowwhat what they're going to try
(06:16):
to bring into the dynamics. Anddoulas can just provide whatever
you want, and more.
Tony (06:24):
That's wonderful. What was the discussion you had with your
husband? In preparation forhiring a doula? I mean, that's
not something that people,that's not on everybody's radar.
Nicole Bailey (06:39):
You're right. I sometimes talk to some of my
girlfriends now. And I'm like,You should get a doula. And
they're like, Oh, my husband ormy boyfriend doesn't think I
need a doula. And I'm like, he'sthat passionate about you not
having a doula. I don't feellike my husband was that
passionate about me not doingsomething - he lets me be a
(07:01):
woman. So if I say, Hey, I hearthat this works well, for women.
Like he's not gonna block it.
It wasn't a deep discussion. Iwas just like, This is what a
duel is and this is what amidwife is, I want both. And
then he just supported me, hewent on the interviews, he's
very intuitive. So if he didn'tget a good feel, he's like, Oh,
(07:22):
I don't really know how much Ifelt connected to that person.
And when he got the goodfeelings, I think that that's a
good fit.
Tony (07:30):
So where did your awareness come from?
Nicole Bailey (07:35):
I'm still trying to figure out why I got so
passionate about it. I knew thatI was really afraid of needles.
That was one thing. I was like,I don't want to epidural. I'm
pretty eat healthy and workout.
I'd rather take care of myselfbefore a needing any type of
intervention in general. So Iguess I'm hands off with like
(07:57):
medical. So I think that wasprobably my first thing was
like, I'm not trying to get a Csection. I believe women were
meant to do this. I really do.
That's how the whole world ispopulated. And I, I just
believed in myself and my bodythat it was meant to do this.
And so I just started watchingdocumentaries, and the business
(08:21):
of being born by Ricki Lake is areally good documentary, and she
kind of just breaks down howhospitals, they have their own
goals, they have their ownmetrics, really has nothing to
do with you. And I just starteddoing more research and watching
like doula diaries off ofFacebook, or there's like a
(08:42):
midwife show from Great Britainfrom like the 40s or 30s. And
honestly, most countries stilluse midwives, the US is the only
one that's like, we use doctorsmore than midwives.
Toni Henson (08:56):
It is such a natural process. When I had my
first child, my firstborn son, Iwas reading these books and I
went to my doctor and Iabsolutely blessed this day. She
said this, and this was 28 yearsago. This was before we had
access to information at ourfingertips. My doctor said to
(09:21):
me, First of all, it hurts.
That's what she said. Givingbirth hurts. You can do this,
it is a very natural process,I'm just there to coach you in.I
was like, Oh. That was mydoctor, do you remember he
doctor Her name?
Tony (09:46):
Yvette Bridges
Toni Henson (09:47):
You're right, Dr.
bridges in New Jersey. And thatwhen she told me that it was
like, Just get all that stuffout of your head. God has this
all figured out already. I'mjust there to make sure nothing
and goes wrong. And I was like,Okay. I was one of those that I
wanted natural birth, I didn'twant epidural. But when the pain
(10:07):
came, I was like, Give it to menow, I need it. So I wasn't as
strong as but the one thing thatI can say, I was in labor for 31
hours. And that's a long time,but Dr. Bridges actually was not
available when my baby came, itwas her covering doctor. He was
(10:33):
also good. His name was Bowers.
Anyway, Dr. Bowers said,whenever you're ready, we're
ready. And he didn't want topush me or anything. And other
(10:54):
doctors would have been like youneed to get a C section. He says
that long as the baby is not indistress and you're okay, that
we don't need to do a C. 31hours. I don't even hear about
labor's that long anymore.
Because like you said, themedical community, they have
their own agenda. And when itcomes to black people and our
(11:15):
history with health care, ourbest interests is not in the
forefront of that agenda. And wehave a famous story, Serena
Williams, who documents andtalks about very much so how she
was discarded and during thebirth of her child. This book is
(11:36):
important, not only for the pastgeneration, because me ready to
be a grandma and getting readyfor my children to give birth.
We don't have any yet. But weneed to understand how mom needs
to be supported all the wayaround. We don't need to put the
(11:58):
stress and I can get on thesoapbox, I'm gonna let you - you
the expert, you wrote the book.
Mom doesn't need to be stressed.
Mom needs her feet rubbed. Momneeds to calm down. Mom doesn't
need to have to be stressing atwork. Doesn't need to worry
about where her partner is. Thisis no longer about the
(12:20):
individuals, this is no longerabout the dad, is no longer
about the mom, it's about thebaby. And your relationship has
to be strong. And I meancommitted. And the best way to
signify committed, and I knowthis is very controversial, is
through marriage. God has all ofthis setup for us. Not this this
polyamorous stuff, not all ofthis other stuff go. It is
(12:45):
really, truly structured andit's a foundation. God gives
very specific rules in terms ofwhat family is. And if it
doesn't work out for you thatway. Fine. Try to get back to
that. That's the baseline thatit works in. And I can tell you
people ask us all the time, whyare your kids so successful,
(13:08):
what did you do? That's what wedid. We made sure and we've had
our marriage problems, God knowswe've had them. But we made sure
that we were whole and fullbefore we got married and
decided to have children. Wewaited four years before we had
children, because we wanted tomake sure our relationship was
(13:29):
strong. Coming from divorcedparents I did not want to bring,
give birth to children inunstable environment.
Nicole Bailey (13:39):
No. You hit my heartstrings because we recently
got married. So we had ourdaughter before we got married.
And I was very adamant aboutneeding to get married. People
would try to like, Oh, well,what's the difference, y'all
been together. Oh, no, we'regoing to need to get married.
(14:01):
I'm not about to confuse thislittle girl when she get older.
Why didn't y'all get me? We'regonna get married. So we
actually just got married inOctober. And I even felt like
our relationship is stronger,because we're a real family now.
I feel like a real family. Itjust feels different. And it
feels stronger, even though wewere able to work through and
(14:23):
have that baby together. Whenthat baby came, and we weren't
married, I felt a lot of stress.
I felt a lot of inconsistencieslike he would just be a little
confused and stressed and it wasalmost like he thought he could
still leave and I'm like, Whatare you talking about? You know
(14:43):
what I mean? So it was justlike, No, we need to be married
because you don't need to feellike you can have one foot in
and out the door. Because me, myparents been married for 35
years. My grandparents weremarried to the day my
grandmother passed. All mycousin's, everybody's married in
my family. So it just feltuncomfortable to me. Like, I was
(15:05):
just like, You're sounding likeyou just think this is like
maybe. I don't feel comfortablein focusing on my daughter if
you know what I mean? Becausethen you're like, Do you feel
left out enough to want to leaveor something.I totally agree.
Tony (15:28):
Well, thank God it worked out.
Toni Henson (15:30):
I just gonna really quickly interject that.
Everybody doesn't always get itright because we're human. We
are human first. But we've gotto get try our best to stay
within that standard. And that'smy point.
Nicole Bailey (15:45):
I agree.
Tony (15:45):
Amen. Amen. You preachin' there. Well because God always
gives everybody chances. Godloves us so much that if you
don't do it within hisguidelines, he's still there for
you. And he's there with openarms to always welcome you back
(16:08):
as a family. Amen. So we don'twe don't have to throw things
away if things don't go right.
You can always get back in goodgraces with God. And I encourage
everyone that ist' not the end.
Because like you said,everybody's human. And we all
make mistakes. But that's notthe end. You're mistakes don't
(16:30):
make you who you are.
Toni Henson (16:32):
I don't believe children are mistakes at all.
And I know you're not sayingthat. I'm just saying that he
can get us on track.
Tony (16:43):
He wants best for us.
Toni Henson (16:45):
You shared getting to birth, how are things going
with mommy hood.
Nicole Bailey (16:50):
She is almost three years old. She'll be three
in May. She is an absolute joy,the happiest little girl you'll
ever seen. Just always bubbly,they're at gymnastics now. And
she's just so fun. As a firsttime mom, so I was very strict
about everything. Kind of likehow I study for birth. I was
(17:12):
kind of the same way with like,the beginning of motherhood,
like I was like, Okay, Ibreastfed for 14-15 months. I
was trying to make organicbabies. Just very hands on.
Transitioning from bassinet tocrib, crib to toddler bed. Like
I did everything veryregimented. And my dad was
(17:34):
military. So I kind of blame himfor my extra regimen. But I
think it worked out because Iget it I am very structured and
so the friends that are like,Oh, my kid is still in the band.
I'm like, My kid goes to bed at8:30 or 8 o'clock to 8:30. Maybe
(17:54):
nine o'clock on the Saturday.
There's no running out. She'sloved. She knows she's loved.
We'll recap today if you feel alittle you're not ready to go to
bed. Let's talk about how muchfun we had today. What we can do
tomorrow, but good night.
Toni Henson (18:15):
I love that.
Nicole Bailey (18:16):
It really works.
It's fairly, you know, it's beeninteresting pulling our
personalities together to raisea child. That was probably the
biggest, I guess, rift. He camefrom more of a broken home. Mom
and Dad were in and out. So thegrandma kind of did a lot.
Sometimes when those grandmas doa lot they spoil. So I probably
(18:39):
am a little more strict and he'salways kind of trying to move me
away from that and I'm like, No,trust me I know that it works.
Toni Henson (18:49):
It sounds like a good cuz I think you can be a
little bit too regimented. Andchildren will press those
boundaries.
Tony (19:01):
I was going to add, now that the book is written, what's
next for you? You having bookreadings, book signings, turns a
woman to read it.
Nicole Bailey (19:19):
So I am. I have a couple of podcasts lined up just
to kind of get the word out. Idid have a book launch party
where basically we came togetherand did a circle. Like a
restorative circle with a fewwomen. Some women that I knew,
some women I didn't know. I justput it on Eventbrite, put it on
(19:40):
Instagram and was surprised thatthe women that showed up that I
didn't even know that we're insearch of community. And me and
a really good friend of mine.
She's in the education spaceleather restorative circle, and
it was very beautiful. Like wejust talked about birth and
preparation and postpartum andme and her are looking to do
(20:02):
that again. That's what I havegoing on right now is just
getting the word out. Andprobably having a few more, like
either just for restorativecircles or just in time to talk
about different aspects of thebook.
Toni Henson (20:17):
When do you think is the best time to have your
book in hand?
Nicole Bailey (20:21):
I definitely think it's best to have it
before you, get well when youget pregnant, before you give
birth. But there is maybe 1/4 ofthe book is more about
postpartum or breastfeeding. ButI think preparation and birth is
best, even, postpartumpreparation is best. So just
getting the book once you'reoverwhelmed, might not be the
(20:43):
best. So definitely having it inadvance is probably better,
even if you don't take advantageof everything for birth
preparation to have a vaginalnatural birth, still preparing
for breastfeeding. Becausethat's a small window top. Once
the milk is gone, it's notcoming back. So if you want to
get into, you really want to getinto breastfeeding, like those
(21:06):
first three months are vital.
Toni Henson (21:09):
The book really needs to go on men and women's
hands before they even thinkabout pregnancy. Because state
of mind - mentally, physically,emotionally, all of that. Male
and female, I truly am not adoctor. But I truly believe that
(21:32):
if the sperm is not healthy, andthe egg is not healthy then when
the two meet, it's going tocause dysfunction. Throughout
our years, living as blacks inAmerica, we have experienced so
much trauma,. We got, like youtalked about meditation, which
(21:53):
is the same to me as prayer, wegot to get our minds and our
bodies and our spirits settled,and make a decision to
procreate. And be mindful, youtalked about being mindful about
your body. And it shouldn't bethe result of being in a drunken
stupor, and being careless orreckless. Because having sex has
(22:18):
to be and I wrote a poem aboutthis, and it's called Slow Down.
We got to slow down, because ourlives are at stake here. I don't
know this new sexual revolutionthat we're into where people are
rewarded for multiple partnersand taking back their sexuality.
(22:43):
This is what they're saying, Idon't think that's taking back
your sexuality. What I hear arechildhood wounds speaking.
Nicole Bailey (22:52):
I totally agree.
I totally agree. Really mygeneration is doing this, but I
totally agree.
Tony (22:58):
I agree with Tony. Nicole our book should be an
educational piece for how toapproach pregnancy and that
information, it can't be toosoon to get that information.
And I don't know the age, theyteach sex education school
anymore. But taking back ourpower and the reason why we
(23:22):
started this podcast, is to helpblack families. So if it's not
happening in the schools, thisis something parents, aunts,
uncles, grandparents should say,Hey, this is a great book, I
want to share this with myniece, my daughter, my
granddaughter, let's go overthis. We're in control of this,
(23:45):
educational system shouldn't beraising our children. So as soon
as we get this information outto our nieces and nephews, sons
and daughters, the more we canunderstand, and the more
resources we have, the betterdecisions we can make. So I'm
(24:05):
all for just sharing this bookwith whoever and say, Look, this
is this may be something to helpyou as you grow up in adulthood,
this is some resources you canuse and it's about taking care
of your body, taking care ofyour mental state during
pregnancy. How do you approachit? What's your thoughts? Going
(24:29):
into this, that I'm not in thisby myself. If you had that
understanding, that kind of laysout a lot of parameters and
structures for you as you moveforward.
Nicole Bailey (24:42):
Yeah, I definitely agree. And like you
said, a black family piece. Iexplained that in the beginning
to that. One of the main reasonswhy gynecology is birth so
strongly in the US, as opposedto other countries is really
because of slavery. Which is oneof the main reasons why we
(25:02):
should work closer with midwiveswhen you have a healthy birth or
Yeah, that's that's a lot rightthere to take in.
a low risk birth as what theycall it. Why you should be
working closer with yourcommunity, with your doula or
your midwife because, honestly,gynecology was birthed. Once we
stopped receiving slaves fromAfrica and they wanted us to
(25:24):
birth more slaves to work theland is that's when they brought
in gynecologist. Because theywere like, Okay, I want this
woman to produce me some moreslaves like what's going on?
That's when they started takinginterest in as procreating. And
that's one of the strongestpieces for me to I would never
(25:46):
have a white gynecologist.
period. I just won't. I mean,I'm not saying all white people
are evil, but for me, thatperson cannot be in control of
my birth. Me bringing childreninto the world that just won't
be, that can't be my story. Soit's very important that we take
a deep look. Like you said, whySerena Williams, Beyonce, how
(26:08):
are they having these stories?
How? Why? Doesn't matter howeducated you are, how much money
you have, once you put yourhands in the system of the
medical system, you never knowwhat can happen. It doesn't even
depend who you are, doesn'tmatter as a black person. And
(26:30):
that's a problem. And it's veryclose to like what we see with
like policing of our black men.
It's very similar. And there wasa doctor that talked about that,
that I'd mentioned in the book,too. She studied how C section
and police brutality wereactually hand in hand. So yeah,
systematic racism. It's still,they're still living deeper,
(26:52):
deeper than we think.
Toni Henson (27:00):
I am blown away.
This was a great show. Do youhave one more thing you want to
take away. You want to give toour audience, our people, our
family just says too much?
Nicole Bailey (27:15):
Yes, I really want us as black woman, black
men to just take more control ofour narratives. That's something
that's constantly being fedright now. And it starts with
Tony (27:28):
It should be on everyone's bookshelf. If you ready for the
birth.
moment, you pull it off with alook just planning this thing
out. That's Black Family TableTalk.
Toni Henson (27:43):
That's what's up.
Tony (27:44):
That concludes this week's talk. We hope you found some
tools to add to your strongblack family toolbox. And be
sure to sign up for a freesubscription at
BlackFamilyTableTalk.com forspecial discounts and product
offers reserved exclusively foryou.
Toni Henson (28:02):
Don't forget to tell a friend about our weekly
podcasts and blogs available onApple pod, Google, Pandora,
Spotify and everywhere podcastsare heard. Under Section 107 of
the Copyright Act 1976.
allowance is made for fair usefor purposes such as criticism,
comment, news reporting,teaching, scholarship and
(28:24):
research. fair use is a usepermitted by a copyright statute
that may otherwise beinfringing. The news and
opinions expressed on blackfamily tabletop do not
necessarily reflect variousplatform hosts. All topics are
for entertainment purposes onlydiscretion to strongly advise
and all commentary is allegedThis is a Micah six eight media
(28:45):
LLC production.
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