April 17, 2024 • 22 mins
Bleach Bros Podcast had a thriving podcast hosted by two buddies, B-Word and Jake the Hater. While the podcast folded in late 2023, they are still amazing friends.
Now that the podcast is done, we wanted to share our Patreon episodes with our audience.
"Hippo Happy Hour," was set on the premise of two buddies bantering at the local watering hole, Sal's Tavern. “The Stain Remover,” wass a satirical parody of two guys working at a radio station. B-Word and Jake host K-SALT’s flagship program, "The Stain Remover."
Bleach Bros Podcast is a B-Word Media Group podcast. B-Word Media Group is a collection of Spreaker Prime podcasts. For more information:
https://try.spreaker.com/prime-program/
For more B-Word Media Group podcasts, check out The Hateful Gnome's Music Hut, Two Guys In A Dart, Raunchy Regret Podcast, and Unfiltered Discussions.
Now that the podcast is done, we wanted to share our Patreon episodes with our audience.
"Hippo Happy Hour," was set on the premise of two buddies bantering at the local watering hole, Sal's Tavern. “The Stain Remover,” wass a satirical parody of two guys working at a radio station. B-Word and Jake host K-SALT’s flagship program, "The Stain Remover."
Bleach Bros Podcast is a B-Word Media Group podcast. B-Word Media Group is a collection of Spreaker Prime podcasts. For more information:
https://try.spreaker.com/prime-program/
For more B-Word Media Group podcasts, check out The Hateful Gnome's Music Hut, Two Guys In A Dart, Raunchy Regret Podcast, and Unfiltered Discussions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Yeah, yeah, h and what'sgoing on so long time? No'll see
(00:41):
how you been? Yep. I'lltake the usual waiting on the fucking talent
as normal, he said he'd be. I'm here. Oh I heard I
was right. Stool glove a stool, pour it out. You know what,
man, if you were good,push your stool in. Dude,
if you were gay, I wouldpush you so hard that I would want
(01:03):
to, Like I'm I'm hoping tospit roast you like one of those one
of those like dots those Yeah,no, like those pigs on the beach,
you know why, Like there's anapple in your mouth, but it's
just my penis head popping out andI'm just spin you around. It's pretty
descriptive, my man. How youbeen, dude? I'm alright, you
all right? Last time we talked, I don't really remember our conversation here,
(01:26):
but you were bitching about something andso was I and so hold on,
hold on, let's stop that.It's me bitching about someone. What's
new? Yeah, nothing, nothing'snew. And I was bitching about something
I don't remember what. And thistime this time around, dude, like
I have, I've been fucking offfor the last two days. Just nothing
(01:48):
has gone right. Nothing is normal. Because on Friday we recorded right and
then front you know, had theweekend and everything was fine. I took
my watch off when we recorded onFriday, and I can't find it.
I've been without my watch now onthe weekend. I kind of care less.
(02:09):
But when I'm working and stuff,fucking use my watch all the time
and I'm without it. Dude,I feel fucking naked. I can't find
it. I ripped my office up, I ripped my bedroom up, I
ripped my living room up. Ihave no clue what the fuck I did.
Yeah, you really need to findit. But can I ask you
this. Let's get into this watch. Is it metal or the leather strap
(02:30):
or is it like one of thosenew age like sort of fit fit like
rubber straps. It's an Apple Watchwith a leather strap. Oh that sucks.
Yeah, it's so so. Thebattery must be dead because it's not
vibrating. Yeah, battery is completelydead. As a matter of fact,
I could have done the find myApple Watch thing on my iPhone on Saturday
and I probably could have found it. However, I've been I've been without
(02:53):
it, and I dude, I'veripped everything up. I don't recall throwing
anything away out of my office.That's where I took my watch off,
was in my office, and Iremember distinctly grabbing my phone and my watch
in my hand leaving my office onFriday, and I have no clue where
it's at. Me think like usually, like, do you ever have those
(03:14):
spots where you leave things that arestupid that you ever you check last?
Yeah, what's what's your stupid spot? Uh? The window sill in my
bathroom. Mine's the fridge. Youleave it in the fridge or on the
fridge or on the top of Mywallet in the fridge all the time.
And of course somebody made the jokecold hard cash. But no, I
leave my wallet in the fridge alot. And then I lose things under
(03:35):
the seat of my car all thetime. Yeah, I don't do that.
I don't do that at all,but it does make me think,
man, like I've been out withoutmy watch, so you know, who
knows I might have to buy anew watch. I don't know. But
are there things that you use everyday like Austin powers, you know he
used to do the spectacle's testicles,wallet and watch thing like, do you
have a checklist of shit as you'rewalking out the door? Yeah, keys,
(03:59):
headphones, knife, I always havea knife, pen. I can't
use blue ink. I don't knowif you ever talked about this. No,
but I refuse to use blue ink. Why I don't like it?
Oh, so it's just a preferencething, like I just it looks Is
it because of liar? Liars?It because you've got in a fight with
a blue pen once? No?But you know this, like if you
(04:21):
want to get into that. Ineighth grade, I had to do a
monologue like in drama class, andI did the pin as blue and I
broke the table on stage by jumpingthrough it because I did that whole thing.
But no, I just don't likeblue ink. I think it's unprofessional
looking. It sucks. I likeblack ink. So I always have a
pen on me anywhere I go outto eat. All the waitresses no too,
they laugh at me because I alwaysmake I'm sure I have my own
(04:43):
pen. So, yeah, soI have wallet, keys, headphones,
knife, phone, and pen.So talk to me about your wallet.
What kind of wallet do you have? I have? Well, so I
have seven wallets. Jesus, Ihave Okay, so let me break this
this up. No, but likenow that I'm thinking about it out loud,
(05:05):
it sounds terrible. So two aremade for a friend. He owns
a company out here who makes productsout of sales from boats, so they're
waterproof and it actually makes sense uphere because there's so much rain and stuff.
So I have two wallets made outof sales from boats that he handmade
for me that are awesome. Fourof my wallets are based on seasons,
(05:27):
so I have a red one andnope, a blue palm tree one.
I have a black one, andI have a brown leather one. I
changed them out for seasons. Ihave another one that's a flat wallet,
so that brings it up to seven. Yeah. So my last wallet's a
flat wallet that just holds like twocards and an ID and all that,
right, and then a little bitof cash, so it's almost like a
(05:48):
money clip wallet. The only problemis I've realized with the new age like
card like the chips, it's sothin and tight that it rubs those chips
out that they don't work well.Yeah, So I own seven wallets,
people, I have one wallet,one wallet, and I got this wallet
when I was in Italy and it'sgot my initials engraved in it with gold
(06:10):
flakes, which I thought was cool. It was done right in front of
me. It was done right infront of me, So I mean,
like that was cool. But thiswallet's fucking bulky, dude. It's bulky
as how it hurts to sit onit. I typically don't sit on my
wallet anyway. It's normally my frontpocket. But it's like one of those
things that I've like always entertained gettinga thinner wallet, but now it's like,
(06:33):
but this wallet is like real traditionand traditional Italian leather, like with
my initials engraved in it. SoI have a hard time deciding on getting
a new wallet. But now thatpotentially I have to get a new watch,
now I'm thinking, well, maybeI just switched my wallet at the
same time. But for your Sheldonass, I just don't know that you
could make that heavy of a switchroutinely. Like I know that you switch
(06:58):
your wallet, it sounds like atleast every three months, unless it's like
unless you're gonna go swimming, ButI don't know that you can make that
type of invested change all at once. No, And you want to hear.
Oh no, I can't do that. I'm one of those people,
Like, here's the crappy thing.My wallet's probably cost more than the money
(07:19):
I usually carrying them too. Yeah, I'm one of those assholes. Like
my red wallet, I think islike a five hundred dollars wallet. Yeah,
and it's one of those things.It's a nice leather wallet. But
like, like also though, whenI travel on a plane, viewer,
I have a giant notebook, likea note book wallet, explain that,
(07:40):
Like, yeah, it's like thesize of a notebook. It's like a
big like like folder, but it'slike all leather and its zips and it
holds my headphones. It has allthese clips and stuff. But that makes
sense though, that makes sense,right. But what I'm saying is so
that I guess is another one becausewhen I travel, I put all my
cards and everything in that so Idon't have to pull a wallet out while
I'm traveling through the airport. Thing. I could just open this notebook and
(08:01):
everything's there and the handets of people. Then I go all my day.
So yeah, it holds my iPodbecause I still use an old iPod.
It holds my phone, it holdsa tablet if I use one, I
hate fucking hate tablets. It holdsbooks, It has notches for my keys
and headphones, and then it haslike pockets for like cards and all that
(08:22):
too in cash, and I havethat too, South Can you go ahead,
just horus another drink here real quick? Yeah, you've got me?
How long? None of this shouldjust a fucking surprise you. No,
it doesn't surprise me. It's alsosurprised that this whole episode's gonna be based
on wallets. I mean wallets,watches. Were you? Were you ever
into fanny packs? Yeah? Ihave a Garfield and a I had a
(08:46):
Ninja Turtle, and I had aMickey Mouse fanny pack too. I had
a whole Camania one. I thoughtthat the whole Comania fanny pack was like
legit. When I was a kid, I always wanted a what are they
wrestling buddies? Oh? I had? I never have I had. I
had a Macho Man Randy Savage,and I had an Ultimate Warrior. I
look at them like sex toys now. And here's why. Because it was
(09:11):
weird that I had to borrow myfriends because I didn't have a wrestling buddy.
And when I go to my friend'shouse, I'd borrow his whole commadia
to sleep on. And nowadays itjust seems like it was like borrowing somebody's
sex toy, because that was anintimate thing. That was an intimate thing.
B word. Would you would youhave loaned your wrestling buddy to a
buddy? Yeah? Of course,of course. Now I don't remember where
would you loaned it to me?Yeah? Probably? I mean to be
(09:35):
honest with you, I don't rememberwhere I saw it was on social media,
and I don't remember who shared it. But would you purchase a slightly
used in or you know, dramaticallysex toy that was from Boggered Up?
There's a company that does that.Now, I've ever owned a sex toy,
(09:56):
you'd never no. Oh for reasontoo, I've never I fucked.
I've never fucked a pocket pussy.Now I'll i'll min something on the show
if you want me to. Ifucked a couch Yeah, I fucked a
couch pie walk me how how How? I was horny and young and there
(10:22):
was this very soft leather sofa,and as a pubescent teen I realized I
could stick my dick between the cushionsuntil I came and I did. So
you came on a leather couch.I came inside the leather couch. I
didn't come on like no, Ididn't pull out. I fucking cream pied
(10:43):
it. No, dude, itwasn't my couch. Whose couch was it?
Never gonna say that. This isa Patreon episode. Bro, you
can, you can, I don'tcare. It was my ant's couch,
of your ants, dude. Itwas an Arizona, dude. I went
down Arizona. It was hot andsticky. I sleep naked. I was
like sixteen, or maybe I waslike fourteen. I was fourteen. I
got horny when night. All ofsudden I rolled over. I was like,
(11:03):
oh, and my penis slipped betweenthese cushions and I was like,
man, instead of jerking off,I could just have this do the work.
So I've never bought a sex toy, but I fucked a couch.
Yeah, I've never purchased a sextoy. I'll be honest with you there.
But somebody you used a sex toy. Yes, somebody. I'm trying
to remember what it was. Itwas like it was like I'm gonna say
it and it's gonna sound stupid,but it was kind of like a playto
(11:24):
if you will. But it waslike this gack, like you remember Nickelodeon
ghack. It was like it waslike that you use it as a stroker
type thing. It was not.It wasn't a flash light or anything like
that. Yes, like this thisfeeling I've had. I had a girl
put a candy cock ring on meonce. Yeah, okay, that's a
sex toy. But that, like, it was weird because she tried to
(11:46):
eat it and then she kept snappingthe band and it didn't feel good to
anybody, and then it got sticky. Yeah, and I didn't know what
to do. Plus it was tootight. I know. I know some
people who tried to do a blowjobwith fruit by the foot and she sat
there doing the fruit by the footand he wasn't shaved at all, and
so it got stuck everywhere. Andyeah, that was just that was just
(12:09):
terrible. That was just terrible.All right, what's the weirdest thing you've
done during sex? Oh? Man, I don't know, it's a patron
episode. Come on, I knowI'm trying to think. I don't know,
dude, I mean, I don'tknow if that that I've done anything
that would be construed as weird.Well, I fucked a couch, but
(12:30):
mine gets worse. I don't know. I mean, I was caught in
the act of masturbating once, butit but it was from my cousin.
I think, I think I toldthis on the regular show, but it
was it was I was caught bymy cousin. I was on the couch.
We were roommates together, and shewas coming into the living room and
she was getting movies because she wasa she was like a caretaker or something
(12:54):
at a special at home and thatshe brought the special led people with her
and they followed her in and Iwas jacking off, and like everybody caught
me. And I was trying tocover myself in a pink blanket that had
the little holes in it, youknow, because I don't know why blankets
have holes, but this blanket hadholes, and so I was just it
was just it was bad. Iguess that could probably be construed as like
weird, you know, probably oneof the weirdest things that I've done during
(13:16):
sex those I had sex on aroof, like a shingle roof that hurts,
like on an angled roof or aflat roof. No on an angled
roof. Yeah, that was thatwas. That was bad. But other
than that, dude, I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I don't really know that I've doneanything weird. What's what's weirder than fucking
a couch? Well, it's aPatreon episode. He's gonna need this.
(13:41):
I had a girl one time speakingof water, like you know, the
spray nozzle on a sink. Yeah, okay, So I'm just gonna paint
this little picture. I was fuckinga girl and she opened my fridge.
I didn't know why the fridge wasopen because I'm thinking of you're like in
the cold air. And then shestarted because she was totally bent over right
like I mean, I mean,this is full bit over, like yoga
pose. And she starts digging inthe produce druck. Right now, I
(14:05):
always have a few, I meanno, but I had carrots and salary
and everything else, right, andshe starts handing me vegetables. Now at
this point, I'm like, I'mnot fucking cooking you dinner because I'm a
chef, and she knew that.And she stands up and goes, we're
gonna do something. But I haveno idea whatever. There's all this free
account or vegetables in the counter.She takes her hair tie off, and
(14:26):
at first I'm thinking off her wrists, right, I'm thinking, oh,
she's gonna put it behind her,you know, her hair up and blow
me. She grabs the spray nozzleand shut wraps the hair tie around the
train so it's like closed, right, but the water's on on. She
bends back over and goes, shovethis in my mass and turn it on
(14:46):
full blast. So I do,goes, I'm drunk and I'm getting laid
as is savage. She starts asking. She starts shoving carrots in her vagina.
Do you ever watch Thousand Ways toDie? There are of them that
have died from carrots in their vagina. Well, so she goes put it
all in me. So I shovemy dick in there too. Oh my
(15:09):
god. So I made a watercresssalad of this woman. I guess if
it were in my kitchen. Wow, that's interesting. I think that's one
of the weirdest ones. I mean, you know you okay, okay,
so I've got I've got a weirdone. I don't know how weird this
is, but I had a girlfriendwho you know. We went out,
(15:31):
we bought a vibrator for a dildothing, and we broke up, and
so I was sleeping with somebody elseand I decided to use Yeah, and
so I decided to use the vibratoron this new chick and she was all
surprised. She loved it. Sheloved it more than the first one loved
it, because the first one,I guess just didn't like it or something,
but the second one was like allin love with it. She's like,
(15:52):
oh my god, this is amazing. And yeah. So, I
mean, she used to retread adildo. I mean, and here's a
funny well, hold on, here'sthe funny part. And this, my
this is gonna make me an ass. Well because when we bought this thing,
it came with spray and a rag, right, like that's how you
kind of clean. And so Icleaned it and I wiped it off,
(16:15):
and you know, went from there. And then a couple of days,
a couple of days later, MYXcame over and picked up her toys and
uh, whatever else she had inmy house and left. So I don't
know if it was ever used again. Did you clean it? Oh?
I cleaned it yeah, I wasn'tlike a total pick yeah there. Yeah,
that reminds me like one of ourPatreon people, one of my best
friends of the Travesty, he hada he had a giant dildo in his
(16:38):
night stand that he said that hewould use on girls and clean it all
the time, and they said theyfucking loved it. I mean and at
the time, like when you're younger, right, like when you're like just
getting in like you're nineteen and twenty, right, you're just getting out in
that world and living on your own. I was like, why would you
do that? Use your penis?And then I realized, like, uh,
(16:59):
then I had vagina at My worldhas never been the same since the
carrot vagina. That's crazy. Yeah, No, I'm She's like, she's
like the bugs bunny of Badge.Would she would hurt? What would she
be? Well? I was tryingto trying to do like a bab's bunny.
I was trying to think, likeif you write a poem about her,
(17:22):
like if if a Badge could chucka carrot, I'm gonna be it's
gonna be honest with you, likeafter you told me that she inserted a
carrot in in said area, likethere's multiple carrots. I'm not telling why
I'm legitimately concerned because I did watchA Thousand Ways to Die and like that's
that you can die from carrots inyour vagina, which I don't know.
I was sure that her her rectumwas filling up with massive amounts of water.
(17:49):
Okay, so you said, yousaid the carrots in the vagina,
and that completely distracted me from thelittle squirt thing in the ass where the
water go, Like did you justfill up her toommock her stomach? The
leonora I don't know, only flourwas oh what okay, Okay, there's
a whole lot going on. Itwas a lot last That's the thing I
(18:12):
like to talk about because like Iget all these ads from like hymns,
like saying last five get them againsthymns? What kind of guy needs to
last five times longer? Like mostwomen are like please hurry up? Like
who's sitting around going like I hatethose songs by like Trina Little Kim,
Like no one minute man. I'venever been a one minute man. I'm
just telling my seven minute quickie fivetimes longer. If I were to last
(18:34):
two and a half minutes. BroI'd be so happy if I would have
lasted five minutes longer, the watertable would have been reduced in Washington.
That's well, okay, so carrot'sin the vagina in Washington. That makes
so much sense, though, Thatmakes so much sense that that is the
Pacific Northwest for you. So yeas my brother says. Yeah, my
brother says, the women up hereare like organic vegetables. You don't know
(18:56):
what they're furry, and you don'tknow where they what farm they came from.
Okay, So would you would youdo a furry? Have you done
a furry? Is your wife afurrey? No? She's not. Would
I maybe I don't know? Well, okay, you wake up today,
you wake up tomorrow morning, andyour wife goes, hey, I have
(19:18):
a fantasy and she wants to dressOkay, I'm one hundred percent like,
okay, I get that, butshe wants you to dress up as a
furry. I'm doing it, okay, all right, I want you to.
No. And the reason I'm smiledbecause my brother's done a furry and
that's one of my favorite that's oneof my favorite stories ever. Because he
said, speaking of five times longer, he was sweating so bad the vagacy
(19:40):
that he was just trying to comeso he can get out of the costume.
He goes so as this fucking coyote, I'm just pumping harder and harder.
Goo, please come please. Sowas he like an actual coyote or
like wiley coyote. I have noidea, dude. All I know is
he said he had to put ona full fucking mascot. I was going
because I was like, He's like, yeah, this stick was a I
(20:00):
was like, what happened? Thinkinghe went home. He's like, no,
I did it. It's like,good for you, good for you.
Yeah, he was. He wasfull blown, full mascot. He
said it wasn't it wasn't even likeall he had to do was wear the
suit. He had to wear thewhole regalia and go to town. I'll
bet you that coyote was wearing achain, fuck like a nice mister tea
(20:22):
chain. I don't know. It'sfunny when you hear like like you heard
my story, Like it's funny whenyou hear other people's because you can imagine
like more than what actually happened,right, Like in my scenario, it's
just a fucking carrot watery mess everywhere. Right, But like it's like when
I hear my brother tell the storywhen he was banging this girl's mom,
like while she was making him asandwich at a floe party on the counter,
(20:45):
and if my brother and my brothergoes, who wants to sanwich?
Because you can imagine my brother doingthat, right, Yeah, But I'm
sure in reality it was like atthe moment, like you know, who
wants a sandwich? You know,I'm actually curious. I'm actually curious how
we went from missing watches and walletsto furrees because they fucked a couch.
(21:06):
Oh that's right, that's right.And you asked if I ever use a
sex toy? Yeah, because rightyou you went into the boogered up things,
Sam, would you use it sextto? And I just I just
decided to jump into my fucked acouch. Well that's a that's hippo happy
hour of March. Bro. I'mso proud of this dude. Everybody will
know now I'm the so fucking rightright, Absolutely well, Jake Bill's on
(21:30):
you this time. Sal It's beenwonderful. We'll catch you next month.
Yeah, yeah, h and what'sgoing on so long time? No'll see
(00:41):
how you been? Yep. I'lltake the usual waiting on the fucking talent
as normal, he said he'd be. I'm here. Oh I heard I
was right. Stool glove a stool, pour it out. You know what,
man, if you were good,push your stool in. Dude,
if you were gay, I wouldpush you so hard that I would want
(01:03):
to, Like I'm I'm hoping tospit roast you like one of those one
of those like dots those Yeah,no, like those pigs on the beach,
you know why, Like there's anapple in your mouth, but it's
just my penis head popping out andI'm just spin you around. It's pretty
descriptive, my man. How youbeen, dude? I'm alright, you
all right? Last time we talked, I don't really remember our conversation here,
(01:26):
but you were bitching about something andso was I and so hold on,
hold on, let's stop that.It's me bitching about someone. What's
new? Yeah, nothing, nothing'snew. And I was bitching about something
I don't remember what. And thistime this time around, dude, like
I have, I've been fucking offfor the last two days. Just nothing
(01:48):
has gone right. Nothing is normal. Because on Friday we recorded right and
then front you know, had theweekend and everything was fine. I took
my watch off when we recorded onFriday, and I can't find it.
I've been without my watch now onthe weekend. I kind of care less.
(02:09):
But when I'm working and stuff,fucking use my watch all the time
and I'm without it. Dude,I feel fucking naked. I can't find
it. I ripped my office up, I ripped my bedroom up, I
ripped my living room up. Ihave no clue what the fuck I did.
Yeah, you really need to findit. But can I ask you
this. Let's get into this watch. Is it metal or the leather strap
(02:30):
or is it like one of thosenew age like sort of fit fit like
rubber straps. It's an Apple Watchwith a leather strap. Oh that sucks.
Yeah, it's so so. Thebattery must be dead because it's not
vibrating. Yeah, battery is completelydead. As a matter of fact,
I could have done the find myApple Watch thing on my iPhone on Saturday
and I probably could have found it. However, I've been I've been without
(02:53):
it, and I dude, I'veripped everything up. I don't recall throwing
anything away out of my office.That's where I took my watch off,
was in my office, and Iremember distinctly grabbing my phone and my watch
in my hand leaving my office onFriday, and I have no clue where
it's at. Me think like usually, like, do you ever have those
(03:14):
spots where you leave things that arestupid that you ever you check last?
Yeah, what's what's your stupid spot? Uh? The window sill in my
bathroom. Mine's the fridge. Youleave it in the fridge or on the
fridge or on the top of Mywallet in the fridge all the time.
And of course somebody made the jokecold hard cash. But no, I
leave my wallet in the fridge alot. And then I lose things under
(03:35):
the seat of my car all thetime. Yeah, I don't do that.
I don't do that at all,but it does make me think,
man, like I've been out withoutmy watch, so you know, who
knows I might have to buy anew watch. I don't know. But
are there things that you use everyday like Austin powers, you know he
used to do the spectacle's testicles,wallet and watch thing like, do you
have a checklist of shit as you'rewalking out the door? Yeah, keys,
(03:59):
headphones, knife, I always havea knife, pen. I can't
use blue ink. I don't knowif you ever talked about this. No,
but I refuse to use blue ink. Why I don't like it?
Oh, so it's just a preferencething, like I just it looks Is
it because of liar? Liars?It because you've got in a fight with
a blue pen once? No?But you know this, like if you
(04:21):
want to get into that. Ineighth grade, I had to do a
monologue like in drama class, andI did the pin as blue and I
broke the table on stage by jumpingthrough it because I did that whole thing.
But no, I just don't likeblue ink. I think it's unprofessional
looking. It sucks. I likeblack ink. So I always have a
pen on me anywhere I go outto eat. All the waitresses no too,
they laugh at me because I alwaysmake I'm sure I have my own
(04:43):
pen. So, yeah, soI have wallet, keys, headphones,
knife, phone, and pen.So talk to me about your wallet.
What kind of wallet do you have? I have? Well, so I
have seven wallets. Jesus, Ihave Okay, so let me break this
this up. No, but likenow that I'm thinking about it out loud,
(05:05):
it sounds terrible. So two aremade for a friend. He owns
a company out here who makes productsout of sales from boats, so they're
waterproof and it actually makes sense uphere because there's so much rain and stuff.
So I have two wallets made outof sales from boats that he handmade
for me that are awesome. Fourof my wallets are based on seasons,
(05:27):
so I have a red one andnope, a blue palm tree one.
I have a black one, andI have a brown leather one. I
changed them out for seasons. Ihave another one that's a flat wallet,
so that brings it up to seven. Yeah. So my last wallet's a
flat wallet that just holds like twocards and an ID and all that,
right, and then a little bitof cash, so it's almost like a
(05:48):
money clip wallet. The only problemis I've realized with the new age like
card like the chips, it's sothin and tight that it rubs those chips
out that they don't work well.Yeah, So I own seven wallets,
people, I have one wallet,one wallet, and I got this wallet
when I was in Italy and it'sgot my initials engraved in it with gold
(06:10):
flakes, which I thought was cool. It was done right in front of
me. It was done right infront of me, So I mean,
like that was cool. But thiswallet's fucking bulky, dude. It's bulky
as how it hurts to sit onit. I typically don't sit on my
wallet anyway. It's normally my frontpocket. But it's like one of those
things that I've like always entertained gettinga thinner wallet, but now it's like,
(06:33):
but this wallet is like real traditionand traditional Italian leather, like with
my initials engraved in it. SoI have a hard time deciding on getting
a new wallet. But now thatpotentially I have to get a new watch,
now I'm thinking, well, maybeI just switched my wallet at the
same time. But for your Sheldonass, I just don't know that you
could make that heavy of a switchroutinely. Like I know that you switch
(06:58):
your wallet, it sounds like atleast every three months, unless it's like
unless you're gonna go swimming, ButI don't know that you can make that
type of invested change all at once. No, And you want to hear.
Oh no, I can't do that. I'm one of those people,
Like, here's the crappy thing.My wallet's probably cost more than the money
(07:19):
I usually carrying them too. Yeah, I'm one of those assholes. Like
my red wallet, I think islike a five hundred dollars wallet. Yeah,
and it's one of those things.It's a nice leather wallet. But
like, like also though, whenI travel on a plane, viewer,
I have a giant notebook, likea note book wallet, explain that,
(07:40):
Like, yeah, it's like thesize of a notebook. It's like a
big like like folder, but it'slike all leather and its zips and it
holds my headphones. It has allthese clips and stuff. But that makes
sense though, that makes sense,right. But what I'm saying is so
that I guess is another one becausewhen I travel, I put all my
cards and everything in that so Idon't have to pull a wallet out while
I'm traveling through the airport. Thing. I could just open this notebook and
(08:01):
everything's there and the handets of people. Then I go all my day.
So yeah, it holds my iPodbecause I still use an old iPod.
It holds my phone, it holdsa tablet if I use one, I
hate fucking hate tablets. It holdsbooks, It has notches for my keys
and headphones, and then it haslike pockets for like cards and all that
(08:22):
too in cash, and I havethat too, South Can you go ahead,
just horus another drink here real quick? Yeah, you've got me?
How long? None of this shouldjust a fucking surprise you. No,
it doesn't surprise me. It's alsosurprised that this whole episode's gonna be based
on wallets. I mean wallets,watches. Were you? Were you ever
into fanny packs? Yeah? Ihave a Garfield and a I had a
(08:46):
Ninja Turtle, and I had aMickey Mouse fanny pack too. I had
a whole Camania one. I thoughtthat the whole Comania fanny pack was like
legit. When I was a kid, I always wanted a what are they
wrestling buddies? Oh? I had? I never have I had. I
had a Macho Man Randy Savage,and I had an Ultimate Warrior. I
look at them like sex toys now. And here's why. Because it was
(09:11):
weird that I had to borrow myfriends because I didn't have a wrestling buddy.
And when I go to my friend'shouse, I'd borrow his whole commadia
to sleep on. And nowadays itjust seems like it was like borrowing somebody's
sex toy, because that was anintimate thing. That was an intimate thing.
B word. Would you would youhave loaned your wrestling buddy to a
buddy? Yeah? Of course,of course. Now I don't remember where
would you loaned it to me?Yeah? Probably? I mean to be
(09:35):
honest with you, I don't rememberwhere I saw it was on social media,
and I don't remember who shared it. But would you purchase a slightly
used in or you know, dramaticallysex toy that was from Boggered Up?
There's a company that does that.Now, I've ever owned a sex toy,
(09:56):
you'd never no. Oh for reasontoo, I've never I fucked.
I've never fucked a pocket pussy.Now I'll i'll min something on the show
if you want me to. Ifucked a couch Yeah, I fucked a
couch pie walk me how how How? I was horny and young and there
(10:22):
was this very soft leather sofa,and as a pubescent teen I realized I
could stick my dick between the cushionsuntil I came and I did. So
you came on a leather couch.I came inside the leather couch. I
didn't come on like no, Ididn't pull out. I fucking cream pied
(10:43):
it. No, dude, itwasn't my couch. Whose couch was it?
Never gonna say that. This isa Patreon episode. Bro, you
can, you can, I don'tcare. It was my ant's couch,
of your ants, dude. Itwas an Arizona, dude. I went
down Arizona. It was hot andsticky. I sleep naked. I was
like sixteen, or maybe I waslike fourteen. I was fourteen. I
got horny when night. All ofsudden I rolled over. I was like,
(11:03):
oh, and my penis slipped betweenthese cushions and I was like,
man, instead of jerking off,I could just have this do the work.
So I've never bought a sex toy, but I fucked a couch.
Yeah, I've never purchased a sextoy. I'll be honest with you there.
But somebody you used a sex toy. Yes, somebody. I'm trying
to remember what it was. Itwas like it was like I'm gonna say
it and it's gonna sound stupid,but it was kind of like a playto
(11:24):
if you will. But it waslike this gack, like you remember Nickelodeon
ghack. It was like it waslike that you use it as a stroker
type thing. It was not.It wasn't a flash light or anything like
that. Yes, like this thisfeeling I've had. I had a girl
put a candy cock ring on meonce. Yeah, okay, that's a
sex toy. But that, like, it was weird because she tried to
(11:46):
eat it and then she kept snappingthe band and it didn't feel good to
anybody, and then it got sticky. Yeah, and I didn't know what
to do. Plus it was tootight. I know. I know some
people who tried to do a blowjobwith fruit by the foot and she sat
there doing the fruit by the footand he wasn't shaved at all, and
so it got stuck everywhere. Andyeah, that was just that was just
(12:09):
terrible. That was just terrible.All right, what's the weirdest thing you've
done during sex? Oh? Man, I don't know, it's a patron
episode. Come on, I knowI'm trying to think. I don't know,
dude, I mean, I don'tknow if that that I've done anything
that would be construed as weird.Well, I fucked a couch, but
(12:30):
mine gets worse. I don't know. I mean, I was caught in
the act of masturbating once, butit but it was from my cousin.
I think, I think I toldthis on the regular show, but it
was it was I was caught bymy cousin. I was on the couch.
We were roommates together, and shewas coming into the living room and
she was getting movies because she wasa she was like a caretaker or something
(12:54):
at a special at home and thatshe brought the special led people with her
and they followed her in and Iwas jacking off, and like everybody caught
me. And I was trying tocover myself in a pink blanket that had
the little holes in it, youknow, because I don't know why blankets
have holes, but this blanket hadholes, and so I was just it
was just it was bad. Iguess that could probably be construed as like
weird, you know, probably oneof the weirdest things that I've done during
(13:16):
sex those I had sex on aroof, like a shingle roof that hurts,
like on an angled roof or aflat roof. No on an angled
roof. Yeah, that was thatwas. That was bad. But other
than that, dude, I don't, I don't, I don't know.
I don't really know that I've doneanything weird. What's what's weirder than fucking
a couch? Well, it's aPatreon episode. He's gonna need this.
(13:41):
I had a girl one time speakingof water, like you know, the
spray nozzle on a sink. Yeah, okay, So I'm just gonna paint
this little picture. I was fuckinga girl and she opened my fridge.
I didn't know why the fridge wasopen because I'm thinking of you're like in
the cold air. And then shestarted because she was totally bent over right
like I mean, I mean,this is full bit over, like yoga
pose. And she starts digging inthe produce druck. Right now, I
(14:05):
always have a few, I meanno, but I had carrots and salary
and everything else, right, andshe starts handing me vegetables. Now at
this point, I'm like, I'mnot fucking cooking you dinner because I'm a
chef, and she knew that.And she stands up and goes, we're
gonna do something. But I haveno idea whatever. There's all this free
account or vegetables in the counter.She takes her hair tie off, and
(14:26):
at first I'm thinking off her wrists, right, I'm thinking, oh,
she's gonna put it behind her,you know, her hair up and blow
me. She grabs the spray nozzleand shut wraps the hair tie around the
train so it's like closed, right, but the water's on on. She
bends back over and goes, shovethis in my mass and turn it on
(14:46):
full blast. So I do,goes, I'm drunk and I'm getting laid
as is savage. She starts asking. She starts shoving carrots in her vagina.
Do you ever watch Thousand Ways toDie? There are of them that
have died from carrots in their vagina. Well, so she goes put it
all in me. So I shovemy dick in there too. Oh my
(15:09):
god. So I made a watercresssalad of this woman. I guess if
it were in my kitchen. Wow, that's interesting. I think that's one
of the weirdest ones. I mean, you know you okay, okay,
so I've got I've got a weirdone. I don't know how weird this
is, but I had a girlfriendwho you know. We went out,
(15:31):
we bought a vibrator for a dildothing, and we broke up, and
so I was sleeping with somebody elseand I decided to use Yeah, and
so I decided to use the vibratoron this new chick and she was all
surprised. She loved it. Sheloved it more than the first one loved
it, because the first one,I guess just didn't like it or something,
but the second one was like allin love with it. She's like,
(15:52):
oh my god, this is amazing. And yeah. So, I
mean, she used to retread adildo. I mean, and here's a
funny well, hold on, here'sthe funny part. And this, my
this is gonna make me an ass. Well because when we bought this thing,
it came with spray and a rag, right, like that's how you
kind of clean. And so Icleaned it and I wiped it off,
(16:15):
and you know, went from there. And then a couple of days,
a couple of days later, MYXcame over and picked up her toys and
uh, whatever else she had inmy house and left. So I don't
know if it was ever used again. Did you clean it? Oh?
I cleaned it yeah, I wasn'tlike a total pick yeah there. Yeah,
that reminds me like one of ourPatreon people, one of my best
friends of the Travesty, he hada he had a giant dildo in his
(16:38):
night stand that he said that hewould use on girls and clean it all
the time, and they said theyfucking loved it. I mean and at
the time, like when you're younger, right, like when you're like just
getting in like you're nineteen and twenty, right, you're just getting out in
that world and living on your own. I was like, why would you
do that? Use your penis?And then I realized, like, uh,
(16:59):
then I had vagina at My worldhas never been the same since the
carrot vagina. That's crazy. Yeah, No, I'm She's like, she's
like the bugs bunny of Badge.Would she would hurt? What would she
be? Well? I was tryingto trying to do like a bab's bunny.
I was trying to think, likeif you write a poem about her,
(17:22):
like if if a Badge could chucka carrot, I'm gonna be it's
gonna be honest with you, likeafter you told me that she inserted a
carrot in in said area, likethere's multiple carrots. I'm not telling why
I'm legitimately concerned because I did watchA Thousand Ways to Die and like that's
that you can die from carrots inyour vagina, which I don't know.
I was sure that her her rectumwas filling up with massive amounts of water.
(17:49):
Okay, so you said, yousaid the carrots in the vagina,
and that completely distracted me from thelittle squirt thing in the ass where the
water go, Like did you justfill up her toommock her stomach? The
leonora I don't know, only flourwas oh what okay, Okay, there's
a whole lot going on. Itwas a lot last That's the thing I
(18:12):
like to talk about because like Iget all these ads from like hymns,
like saying last five get them againsthymns? What kind of guy needs to
last five times longer? Like mostwomen are like please hurry up? Like
who's sitting around going like I hatethose songs by like Trina Little Kim,
Like no one minute man. I'venever been a one minute man. I'm
just telling my seven minute quickie fivetimes longer. If I were to last
(18:34):
two and a half minutes. BroI'd be so happy if I would have
lasted five minutes longer, the watertable would have been reduced in Washington.
That's well, okay, so carrot'sin the vagina in Washington. That makes
so much sense, though, Thatmakes so much sense that that is the
Pacific Northwest for you. So yeas my brother says. Yeah, my
brother says, the women up hereare like organic vegetables. You don't know
(18:56):
what they're furry, and you don'tknow where they what farm they came from.
Okay, So would you would youdo a furry? Have you done
a furry? Is your wife afurrey? No? She's not. Would
I maybe I don't know? Well, okay, you wake up today,
you wake up tomorrow morning, andyour wife goes, hey, I have
(19:18):
a fantasy and she wants to dressOkay, I'm one hundred percent like,
okay, I get that, butshe wants you to dress up as a
furry. I'm doing it, okay, all right, I want you to.
No. And the reason I'm smiledbecause my brother's done a furry and
that's one of my favorite that's oneof my favorite stories ever. Because he
said, speaking of five times longer, he was sweating so bad the vagacy
(19:40):
that he was just trying to comeso he can get out of the costume.
He goes so as this fucking coyote, I'm just pumping harder and harder.
Goo, please come please. Sowas he like an actual coyote or
like wiley coyote. I have noidea, dude. All I know is
he said he had to put ona full fucking mascot. I was going
because I was like, He's like, yeah, this stick was a I
(20:00):
was like, what happened? Thinkinghe went home. He's like, no,
I did it. It's like,good for you, good for you.
Yeah, he was. He wasfull blown, full mascot. He
said it wasn't it wasn't even likeall he had to do was wear the
suit. He had to wear thewhole regalia and go to town. I'll
bet you that coyote was wearing achain, fuck like a nice mister tea
(20:22):
chain. I don't know. It'sfunny when you hear like like you heard
my story, Like it's funny whenyou hear other people's because you can imagine
like more than what actually happened,right, Like in my scenario, it's
just a fucking carrot watery mess everywhere. Right, But like it's like when
I hear my brother tell the storywhen he was banging this girl's mom,
like while she was making him asandwich at a floe party on the counter,
(20:45):
and if my brother and my brothergoes, who wants to sanwich?
Because you can imagine my brother doingthat, right, Yeah, But I'm
sure in reality it was like atthe moment, like you know, who
wants a sandwich? You know,I'm actually curious. I'm actually curious how
we went from missing watches and walletsto furrees because they fucked a couch.
(21:06):
Oh that's right, that's right.And you asked if I ever use a
sex toy? Yeah, because rightyou you went into the boogered up things,
Sam, would you use it sextto? And I just I just
decided to jump into my fucked acouch. Well that's a that's hippo happy
hour of March. Bro. I'mso proud of this dude. Everybody will
know now I'm the so fucking rightright, Absolutely well, Jake Bill's on
(21:30):
you this time. Sal It's beenwonderful. We'll catch you next month.
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