April 27, 2025 • 29 mins
In this episode of Bleeding Daylight, Rodney Olsen speaks with Carolyn J. Murphy, a transformative mind shift coach and mental health advocate whose personal journey from trauma to triumph has inspired countless others. Carolyn shares her story of overcoming childhood trauma, including molestation, rape, and a devastating house fire that claimed the lives of two siblings. With raw honesty, she discusses her process of breaking up with fear, finding her voice, and learning to walk in authenticity after years of hiding behind a mask
As the CEO and founder of Firm Foundations Community Outreach and author of "God, Why Did You Save Me?", Carolyn bridges the crucial gap between mental health and faith. She explains why mental health resources were never meant to replace God's healing and advocates for breaking the stigma around seeking help, particularly in faith communities. With her signature message that "your purpose is greater than your pain," Carolyn helps others transform their past struggles into stepping stones toward freedom and wholeness.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for listening.
Bleeding Daylight is a place to hear powerful stories of hope.
There are dozens of other episodes waiting for you at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:30):
Please help others find hope and healing by sharing episodes through social media or word of mouth.
There's long been a stigma attached to people needing mental health care and unfortunately it has been particularly prominent in some sections of the church.
Is there a balance between good mental health care and faith?
(00:52):
Today's guest is seeking to shed a greater light on the issue.
Today I'm joined by Carolyn J.
Murphy, a transformative mind shift coach and mental health advocate whose personal journey from trauma to triumph has inspired countless others.
(01:15):
As the CEO and founder of Firm Foundations Community Outreach, Carolyn has dedicated her life to helping individuals navigate the complex aftermath of trauma, drawing from her own experiences of overcoming childhood adversity.
Her book, God, Why Did You Save Me?, bridges the crucial gap between mental health and faith.
(01:38):
With her signature message that your purpose is greater than the pain, Carolyn helps others transform their past struggles into stepping stones towards freedom and wholeness.
Carolyn, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thank you, and I'm just thankful to be able to be a guest on your podcast.
You've described yourself as a survivor, as someone who is an overcomer of trauma, and we know that trauma can take many forms.
(02:06):
Can you help me understand some of the trauma that you faced first as a child and since then?
Well, the trauma that I survived, and I say I'm a survivor and thriver, and I say that because some of the trauma that I experienced was molestation and rape.
I was born during a time where a child was seen and not heard, so I was already muzzled.
(02:33):
But when the molestation happened, it silenced me really for the rest of my life.
Not until 2023 is when I began to regain my voice back, and that was the publishing of my book.
I say that I'm a thriver because my signature talk is I broke up with fear, and every day I make the choice to break up with fear, not allowing fear to have such a tight grip on my life.
(03:04):
We do find that early trauma can then dictate where things go in life, and in fact, strangely enough, will change the way that we seek relationships.
And I know that many people who go through trauma at an early age then continue to see that trauma repeated in other relationships.
(03:25):
Was that your experience?
Yes.
I think I learned a word called trauma loop, and that is the repetitive of enduring trauma.
So my coping skills or my coping mechanism was in and out of toxic relationship with men, being in a relationship with men that was emotionally unavailable.
(03:50):
Because of that, you were treated in such a way that that was undesirable.
So that's how I coped with my own trauma, but yet deepening the trauma by dealing with those men.
That's an interesting one, because you make yourself emotionally unavailable, because that's a protection mechanism.
(04:12):
You're trying to protect yourself.
And yet, conversely, it's not actually a protection in that it actually perpetuates it, doesn't it?
So there are things that we do just naturally that don't help us going forward.
You mentioned 2023 was that time when you really decided to break up with fear.
What were the early indicators for you that this is not the way to continue living life?
(04:38):
My true journey of getting on the journey of healing was 2018.
It began because worrying.
I was at stroke level.
Also, it was like I saw me standing in a box and I was either sitting still or moving in slow motion.
(05:01):
But everybody outside of my box was moving at a rapid pace.
That was the vision that the Lord gave me.
He let me know that the walls that we build, we call them the comfort zone, but those walls actually become your prison.
And the fear that is so prevalent in our lives actually is to chains around our ankles and our wrists.
(05:28):
So we're sitting in our own prison bound by fear.
You mentioned that vision that you believe came from the Lord that showed you what your situation was like.
Where was faith in your journey?
Did you always have a faith going back to those early years or was that something you discovered later?
That's something I discovered later.
(05:50):
I've always loved the Lord, but to actually walk it out wasn't even really demonstrated before me.
Now, I lived with my grandmother because I was born to teenage parents.
So my grandmother raised me.
I did wake up every morning, read her Bible, on her knees praying, but to actually see faith walked out, I didn't see that.
(06:15):
Of course, I didn't demonstrate it.
I remember in 2012, the Lord called me a well-kept woman and I'm like, what is that?
And so I began to seek him and by mid-2012, the Lord told me that a well-kept woman is a woman who depends upon me for her every need.
I said, well, I know that's not me because I grew up depending on me.
(06:40):
There was one time that I was depending on others, but they constantly let me down.
So my walls just began to grow taller and thicker and pride took over.
It's like, I'm never going to ask for help.
Faith is something that came way down the road.
I'm even still struggling with it now because I believe in just turning over every leaf, every rock.
(07:04):
And then once I get tired and I'll try to, I'll say, okay, God, I'll give it to you.
But God is like, no, that's not how it works.
You give it to me on the front end.
And I find that to be the truth so often that even when we start to work through some of the things that we need to work through, we realize that this is a journey.
(07:25):
So when you're talking to people, you're not coming from a place of saying, hey, this is something that is completed, but it's a case of, I found some of the secrets.
Walk alongside me in this.
When was it that you decided to start sharing some of the stories, some of the things that God had taught you with other people to help them?
(07:45):
When did you decide to do that?
I dare say 2023 because I've always been an advocate for mental health and the resources.
My journey when it comes to mental health started in late 2017 when I took the first class, which was mental health first aid.
But then I was learning about me, why I moved the way I moved.
(08:09):
I dare to say I started sharing about me in 2023.
The things that the Lord brought me through, I began to share some of it.
And people that was in elementary and junior high school, when they read some of my posts, they would send me messages.
And it was like, Carolyn, we didn't know.
(08:32):
And I was like, yeah, of course, because I wore a mask.
I wore the smiling face.
So you never knew anything that was going on with me.
So it was quite surprising to many people.
I'm interested in that idea that many people said, we didn't know.
And it makes me wonder about the people that we walk with day by day, the people that we might see where we work or where we socialize, that quite possibly have been through some deep waters themselves, but like you, have built a mask.
(09:08):
How do we start to show that we're available for people like that if we don't even know that they've been through some of those deep waters?
In all honesty, you don't want to share everything with everybody.
I chose not to share because I didn't think anybody could handle the things that was going on with me.
(09:30):
I couldn't even handle it.
So for me to be able to just open up and tell somebody, I couldn't even do it.
In order to get to the place where you're starting to share, you have to be on your recovery journey already.
I come from a standpoint of faith being your cornerstone, being your bedrock, because I've learned that your why has to be greater, way greater than your circumstances.
(09:57):
You have to want change so bad that you taste it.
I tell people, when you're coming from working out of traumatic events, first, you can't do this thing alone.
Your faith must be grounded in the Lord Jesus, because I want to not just recover, but I want to move to healing and deliverance.
(10:20):
Once I got to a certain point, I remember hearing the Lord say, it's time to remove the mask.
That was scary, because that means I had to start opening up and allowing people to see what I was going through and who I was.
That was one of the multiple fears that I had, fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.
(10:42):
That's why I kept people at arm's length.
I feared that if you saw me and met me and learned who I was, I feared that you were going to leave me like everybody else.
So you have to be on your road to recovery for years, for a few years, and then the Lord will let you know it's time.
(11:02):
If you move too fast, you can re-traumatize yourself.
That point that you make of being on that journey of recovery and healing, I've heard from many people who have said that a big part of that for them has been the ability to share their story, but it does come down to finding the right people.
As you say, if we share with the wrong people, it can be re-traumatizing.
(11:27):
If we're at that point of wanting to share even part of our story, maybe not the totality of it, what should we be looking for in another person to find out if they're a safe person to share some of these things with?
In all honesty for me, I'm not looking for anything.
I move on the auction of the Holy Ghost.
(11:50):
If the Holy Ghost says, share this, I'm going to share it.
I don't know how they're going to receive it, but I feel that if the Lord wants me to share something, that they're going to receive it.
Whether they display it with a hug or a smile or cry, I don't know.
But when they do, I know it's well received.
At this point, that's why I say your faith has to be rooted and grounded in God so much that you should be able to hear Him when He says share.
(12:20):
Last year and this year, my word is authenticity.
That is such a beautiful word to me because I've lived behind a mask basically all my life.
So that is my word is to live in authenticity.
You talked about breaking up with fear, that that's one of your main messages.
(12:40):
How do we decide to break up with fear?
And then how do we start to walk that out?
Well, you know that old saying, you have to get tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
When you truly get tired of being sick and tired, you'll start moving.
Nobody is going to be able to come to you and say, you don't need to do that because it's going to be so deep down in you, in your soul, that it's time to move.
(13:08):
Let your fear be overtaken by your faith.
But you have to cultivate that faith before you can even start moving.
Start learning about mental health.
I tell people mental health is not a bad thing.
Mental health is how we live our daily life.
If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, that means you're going to be mad and mean all day.
(13:34):
And everybody that comes in your pathway is going to receive it.
But if you wake up with a decision, okay, today is going to be a very blessed, prosperous and productive day, no matter what comes down the turnpike.
That's a conscious decision.
But you got to constantly make that choice all through the day.
You have to purposely, intentionally, consistently speak your affirmations, speak the Word of God over you, pray.
(14:04):
And that's, again, cultivating your relationship, because without it, it's just you spinning your wheels.
Because I've tried that.
I've done that.
Fear is so very limiting.
When you look back through the years before that healing began, can you see some of the things that you missed out on because fear had held you captive?
I know I've missed out on a bunch of opportunities, even probably good relationships.
(14:32):
Fear keeps you from cultivating a relationship with the Lord, as well as people that's coming in your circle.
Because of the fear of failure, we tend not to try new things, coming out of your comfort zone to try new things.
I learned the hard way that there is no growth when you're just stagnated, when you're just sitting still.
(14:56):
I'm sure I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because of it.
The Lord reminded me of this little story that I heard that said, the graveyard is the richest place on earth.
And I'm like, how?
And that's when the Lord reminded me that so many people died in fear that their dreams and purpose and visions and everything died with them that could have changed the world in one way or the other.
(15:27):
And it's like, Lord, I don't want to be one of those people.
But I actually had the example.
My mom died without finding out her purpose and walking in it.
So I had a live example of what not to do in my face.
And it's like, I don't want to do that.
So that's why I say I broke up with fear.
(15:47):
But it's a constant choice every day.
What part does forgiveness play when we are wanting to break up with fear and seek recovery and healing?
Forgiveness is a huge part of it, because you already know the word says that we have to forgive if we want God to forgive us.
(16:07):
Even though we've had people to pray on us, you end up in a trauma loop.
You embody anger, even to the point of rage if you don't start putting this stuff in check.
We hurt people along the way.
I was telling the Lord, I don't have anybody that I need to forgive because I didn't hurt anyone.
(16:31):
But the Lord started showing me, yes, you did.
You were full of anger.
So you hurt many people.
You forgiving just the people around you, but you also, in order to move forward, we have to forgive even the ones that deeply hurt us, because unforgiveness takes root.
(16:53):
It's going to continue to feed the anger, the fear, the shame, the doubt.
I believe it's the biggest piece in there to help you move forward.
And it's not that you are giving that person or people the free pass.
That's not it.
You're intentionally loosening the grip of the fear that has on your life.
(17:17):
So forgiveness is a huge part of it.
You've touched on a very important part of forgiveness, and that is that we do not give someone a free pass.
We can forgive them, but we're not called to put ourselves back in harm's way.
And oftentimes there is this misconception around forgiveness that it's just pretending like something didn't happen.
(17:40):
How do we walk that balance of being able to forgive someone, but being able to say as well, but I don't feel that continuing a relationship or continuing a connection with them is a helpful thing.
Well, for one thing, just because you're forgiving someone doesn't mean, like you said, that we have to get back in close proximity to them.
(18:03):
People come in our lives for a reason, a season and a purpose.
But we're the ones who have to decipher, is this person here for a season, for a purpose or reason?
And once that period is up, we have to be willing to let them go.
That's only going to come with your deep relationship with the Lord.
(18:25):
He's going to let you know that you need to let this person go.
If that person just came in your life and all they did was harm, the Lord says that all things work out for our good.
So the Lord reminded me that He is not a wasteful God, that He uses everything that He has brought us through.
(18:48):
All the hurtful things that has happened to me, it grew my compassion when it comes to other people.
I used to be judgmental, but now I'm not judgmental to the women who stayed in relationships just because they were afraid to get out because I experienced that.
It was easy to say, oh, just leave them.
(19:09):
But that's not so.
I want to talk a little about your book, and firstly, let's look at that title, God, why did you save me?
Why did you choose that as a title for your book?
Well, first off, the Holy Ghost is the one that told me to name the book.
Second of all, that's one of the many questions that so many people have, especially those of us who have experienced so much hurt and pain through our lives.
(19:36):
Questions like, God, why was I born?
Why am I still here?
Because one of my prayers every night as a child before eight was, Lord, just let me die in my sleep.
That was my prayer as a child.
So that question came when I was eight years old, and that came from a house fire that my family experienced, and two of my siblings, my younger siblings, perished in the house fire.
(20:04):
I was angry at God, and I didn't realize I did that because my childhood is blocked.
And so I was angry at God.
I was like, why did you save me out of the fire?
And it came because so many people asked me this very question.
They assumed it was something spiritual, but it wasn't.
And once I went back to the Lord, I was like, God, why did you have me to name this book this?
(20:29):
And he said, you're correct.
It's nothing spiritual.
That's the question that you asked me.
Why did I save you out of the fire when that was your opportunity to finally die?
Answering your question, but he was like, no.
It's interesting how these things come around, and I'm wondering if you can give me a little bit of an understanding of the process of writing the book.
(20:53):
When did you decide I need to put some of these things down and print them to help others?
Again, it wasn't my decision.
It was the Lord.
I was a single mother.
In my early 20s, the Lord came to me and told me that I was going to write a book.
And I'm like, OK, you know, whatever.
And if you know anything about a single mother, all we care about is that day, surviving the day, getting through the day.
(21:20):
When the book came about in 2023, the Lord orchestrated me meeting my publisher.
Once I began to tell her my story, the things that God has brought me through and the accomplishments, she said, wow.
And the next thing she's like, well, where is your book?
And I was like, well, I'll get to that in about five years.
She was like, no, ma'am, you're going to write this book now.
(21:44):
I said, no, we're not going to do that.
She was like, why not?
I said, well, because I know it's going to be expensive.
I know it's going to be long.
And she was like, not necessarily.
I said, OK.
She said, well, I'm a publisher.
If I can guarantee you the process being simple, she said, would you do it?
(22:05):
I said, OK, if you say so.
The way that she blessed me to write this book was so simple.
She just gave me 15 questions and she said, just write.
She said, intentionally set out 10 to 20 minutes a day and answer the questions as fully as possible.
I think for about four weeks we met just to flesh out my responses.
(22:32):
In eight weeks, the book was edited and published.
The hardest part was me actually continuing the process.
I drew back three times out of fear, wondering what the family was going to think, wondering what everybody else was going to think.
But that was the biggest thing was wondering how the family was going to take it.
(22:53):
Two of those times the Lord came to me and said, you have a story that must be told.
The other time the Lord said that it's time to remove the mask and that you have to tell it.
The third time was my baby sister that told me, you earned the right to tell your story.
That was it.
I was like, OK, I'm going to do this because this is bigger than me.
(23:17):
As you are answering those questions and writing the book, I imagine you would have had to go back to some of the very painful parts of your life.
Was that a help in healing?
Was it things that came up that you were then able to hand over to God as you went through that process?
Yes.
Just the thought of having to drudge those images and thoughts back up, it was really scary.
(23:42):
But I had to continue to tell myself this is what God wants me to do.
He kept telling me that my story was going to help others.
The dedication is for those women that's hiding in the shadows of fear and shame.
I want women to know and men, if they decide to read the book, there is life on the other side of trauma.
(24:06):
But you've got to do the work.
There is no way around it.
You have to go through it.
And that's why I say your faith has to be so intact, has to be cultivated.
You are the CEO and founder of Firm Foundations Community Outreach.
Tell me a little about the work of the outreach.
(24:27):
Firm Foundation, the Lord gave me that name.
It goes back to your faith being the cornerstone.
Your faith in Jesus Christ creates the Firm Foundation because he reminded me when you experience trauma, you don't have a foundation.
And if you do, it's cracked, it's shaky.
So through the Lord, I want to help other women solidify their foundations in him.
(24:53):
There's a peer side, which is education and outreach, advocacy.
I want to continue the work of education and advocacy concerning mental health in the Black community, even more specifically the Black church, because the Lord has reminded me that the church has always been the gathering place, the cornerstone of the community.
(25:18):
The Lord was saying as long as they have a negative mindset towards mental health, there's not going to be any open conversation about it.
I was wanting to let the church know mental health and its resources were never meant to do away with God's healing.
I just want to remind our community that even though you're saved, you're still susceptible to the things that is going on in your life.
(25:49):
Anger and other things is just how we deal with it.
We can't keep neglecting and sweeping stuff under the rug.
That's why mental health is such an explosion now, because we chose not to deal with it.
And then the other side will be coaching for Christian women.
My help statement is I want to help Christian women break up with fear, discover their purpose, and to prioritize their self-care.
(26:17):
If we have a broken leg or some other problem with our body, we're always open to going to a medical professional, someone who's trained in how the body works so that we can seek healing.
Why do you think there's still so much stigma around mental health?
Why don't we feel comfortable at times going to someone who is trained in how the mind works, how God has set us up to think and act?
(26:44):
Why is there still a stigma around that in some churches?
For so long, Christian people, we've worn a cape.
We've worn this Superman or Wonder Woman cape.
Oh, you don't need a doctor for that or a therapist.
You just pray a little bit harder or just go pray.
The awful thing is when you say this to some people, and it's really the older generation because they've had to display so much toughness, mental toughness, so much quote unquote resilience.
(27:19):
It's their negative thought pattern towards mental health that's being passed down to other generations.
I'm so glad that the younger generations, they're more acceptable when it comes to mental health.
My biggest thing is to get the pastors to understand that King David in the book of Psalms displayed every emotion, raw emotion, and it's other parts of the Bible too, but raw emotions.
(27:51):
And the Lord starts showing me back in my early 20s.
When I was praying, he's like, stop.
He said, that's surface prayers.
He said, tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly.
He said, even if you're angry with me, tell me.
He said, because I already know.
I'm like, okay, Lord, and you'll still love me?
That's when he directed me to King David.
(28:12):
He said, King David showed me all of his raw emotions.
He said, but I still called him a man after my own heart.
And that's when I began to be honest with God about everything.
Carolyn, I'm sure that there are people who would be wanting to get in touch with you to either get hold of your book, God, Why Do You Save Me?, or to find out more about Firm Foundations Community Outreach.
(28:37):
Where is the easiest place for people to find you online?
The easiest places right now is social media, Carolyn J.
Murphy, LinkedIn, Firm Foundations, Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram.
And I will put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily as well.
(28:58):
Carolyn, I want to say thank you for sharing your story, for being open with the things that God has brought you through, and to be able to share healing with others.
It's been a great conversation.
And thank you for your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
I again appreciate the opportunity.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
(29:21):
Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others.
For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net.
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for listening.
Bleeding Daylight is a place to hear powerful stories of hope.
There are dozens of other episodes waiting for you at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:30):
Please help others find hope and healing by sharing episodes through social media or word of mouth.
There's long been a stigma attached to people needing mental health care and unfortunately it has been particularly prominent in some sections of the church.
Is there a balance between good mental health care and faith?
(00:52):
Today's guest is seeking to shed a greater light on the issue.
Today I'm joined by Carolyn J.
Murphy, a transformative mind shift coach and mental health advocate whose personal journey from trauma to triumph has inspired countless others.
(01:15):
As the CEO and founder of Firm Foundations Community Outreach, Carolyn has dedicated her life to helping individuals navigate the complex aftermath of trauma, drawing from her own experiences of overcoming childhood adversity.
Her book, God, Why Did You Save Me?, bridges the crucial gap between mental health and faith.
(01:38):
With her signature message that your purpose is greater than the pain, Carolyn helps others transform their past struggles into stepping stones towards freedom and wholeness.
Carolyn, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thank you, and I'm just thankful to be able to be a guest on your podcast.
You've described yourself as a survivor, as someone who is an overcomer of trauma, and we know that trauma can take many forms.
(02:06):
Can you help me understand some of the trauma that you faced first as a child and since then?
Well, the trauma that I survived, and I say I'm a survivor and thriver, and I say that because some of the trauma that I experienced was molestation and rape.
I was born during a time where a child was seen and not heard, so I was already muzzled.
(02:33):
But when the molestation happened, it silenced me really for the rest of my life.
Not until 2023 is when I began to regain my voice back, and that was the publishing of my book.
I say that I'm a thriver because my signature talk is I broke up with fear, and every day I make the choice to break up with fear, not allowing fear to have such a tight grip on my life.
(03:04):
We do find that early trauma can then dictate where things go in life, and in fact, strangely enough, will change the way that we seek relationships.
And I know that many people who go through trauma at an early age then continue to see that trauma repeated in other relationships.
(03:25):
Was that your experience?
Yes.
I think I learned a word called trauma loop, and that is the repetitive of enduring trauma.
So my coping skills or my coping mechanism was in and out of toxic relationship with men, being in a relationship with men that was emotionally unavailable.
(03:50):
Because of that, you were treated in such a way that that was undesirable.
So that's how I coped with my own trauma, but yet deepening the trauma by dealing with those men.
That's an interesting one, because you make yourself emotionally unavailable, because that's a protection mechanism.
(04:12):
You're trying to protect yourself.
And yet, conversely, it's not actually a protection in that it actually perpetuates it, doesn't it?
So there are things that we do just naturally that don't help us going forward.
You mentioned 2023 was that time when you really decided to break up with fear.
What were the early indicators for you that this is not the way to continue living life?
(04:38):
My true journey of getting on the journey of healing was 2018.
It began because worrying.
I was at stroke level.
Also, it was like I saw me standing in a box and I was either sitting still or moving in slow motion.
(05:01):
But everybody outside of my box was moving at a rapid pace.
That was the vision that the Lord gave me.
He let me know that the walls that we build, we call them the comfort zone, but those walls actually become your prison.
And the fear that is so prevalent in our lives actually is to chains around our ankles and our wrists.
(05:28):
So we're sitting in our own prison bound by fear.
You mentioned that vision that you believe came from the Lord that showed you what your situation was like.
Where was faith in your journey?
Did you always have a faith going back to those early years or was that something you discovered later?
That's something I discovered later.
(05:50):
I've always loved the Lord, but to actually walk it out wasn't even really demonstrated before me.
Now, I lived with my grandmother because I was born to teenage parents.
So my grandmother raised me.
I did wake up every morning, read her Bible, on her knees praying, but to actually see faith walked out, I didn't see that.
(06:15):
Of course, I didn't demonstrate it.
I remember in 2012, the Lord called me a well-kept woman and I'm like, what is that?
And so I began to seek him and by mid-2012, the Lord told me that a well-kept woman is a woman who depends upon me for her every need.
I said, well, I know that's not me because I grew up depending on me.
(06:40):
There was one time that I was depending on others, but they constantly let me down.
So my walls just began to grow taller and thicker and pride took over.
It's like, I'm never going to ask for help.
Faith is something that came way down the road.
I'm even still struggling with it now because I believe in just turning over every leaf, every rock.
(07:04):
And then once I get tired and I'll try to, I'll say, okay, God, I'll give it to you.
But God is like, no, that's not how it works.
You give it to me on the front end.
And I find that to be the truth so often that even when we start to work through some of the things that we need to work through, we realize that this is a journey.
(07:25):
So when you're talking to people, you're not coming from a place of saying, hey, this is something that is completed, but it's a case of, I found some of the secrets.
Walk alongside me in this.
When was it that you decided to start sharing some of the stories, some of the things that God had taught you with other people to help them?
(07:45):
When did you decide to do that?
I dare say 2023 because I've always been an advocate for mental health and the resources.
My journey when it comes to mental health started in late 2017 when I took the first class, which was mental health first aid.
But then I was learning about me, why I moved the way I moved.
(08:09):
I dare to say I started sharing about me in 2023.
The things that the Lord brought me through, I began to share some of it.
And people that was in elementary and junior high school, when they read some of my posts, they would send me messages.
And it was like, Carolyn, we didn't know.
(08:32):
And I was like, yeah, of course, because I wore a mask.
I wore the smiling face.
So you never knew anything that was going on with me.
So it was quite surprising to many people.
I'm interested in that idea that many people said, we didn't know.
And it makes me wonder about the people that we walk with day by day, the people that we might see where we work or where we socialize, that quite possibly have been through some deep waters themselves, but like you, have built a mask.
(09:08):
How do we start to show that we're available for people like that if we don't even know that they've been through some of those deep waters?
In all honesty, you don't want to share everything with everybody.
I chose not to share because I didn't think anybody could handle the things that was going on with me.
(09:30):
I couldn't even handle it.
So for me to be able to just open up and tell somebody, I couldn't even do it.
In order to get to the place where you're starting to share, you have to be on your recovery journey already.
I come from a standpoint of faith being your cornerstone, being your bedrock, because I've learned that your why has to be greater, way greater than your circumstances.
(09:57):
You have to want change so bad that you taste it.
I tell people, when you're coming from working out of traumatic events, first, you can't do this thing alone.
Your faith must be grounded in the Lord Jesus, because I want to not just recover, but I want to move to healing and deliverance.
(10:20):
Once I got to a certain point, I remember hearing the Lord say, it's time to remove the mask.
That was scary, because that means I had to start opening up and allowing people to see what I was going through and who I was.
That was one of the multiple fears that I had, fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.
(10:42):
That's why I kept people at arm's length.
I feared that if you saw me and met me and learned who I was, I feared that you were going to leave me like everybody else.
So you have to be on your road to recovery for years, for a few years, and then the Lord will let you know it's time.
(11:02):
If you move too fast, you can re-traumatize yourself.
That point that you make of being on that journey of recovery and healing, I've heard from many people who have said that a big part of that for them has been the ability to share their story, but it does come down to finding the right people.
As you say, if we share with the wrong people, it can be re-traumatizing.
(11:27):
If we're at that point of wanting to share even part of our story, maybe not the totality of it, what should we be looking for in another person to find out if they're a safe person to share some of these things with?
In all honesty for me, I'm not looking for anything.
I move on the auction of the Holy Ghost.
(11:50):
If the Holy Ghost says, share this, I'm going to share it.
I don't know how they're going to receive it, but I feel that if the Lord wants me to share something, that they're going to receive it.
Whether they display it with a hug or a smile or cry, I don't know.
But when they do, I know it's well received.
At this point, that's why I say your faith has to be rooted and grounded in God so much that you should be able to hear Him when He says share.
(12:20):
Last year and this year, my word is authenticity.
That is such a beautiful word to me because I've lived behind a mask basically all my life.
So that is my word is to live in authenticity.
You talked about breaking up with fear, that that's one of your main messages.
(12:40):
How do we decide to break up with fear?
And then how do we start to walk that out?
Well, you know that old saying, you have to get tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
When you truly get tired of being sick and tired, you'll start moving.
Nobody is going to be able to come to you and say, you don't need to do that because it's going to be so deep down in you, in your soul, that it's time to move.
(13:08):
Let your fear be overtaken by your faith.
But you have to cultivate that faith before you can even start moving.
Start learning about mental health.
I tell people mental health is not a bad thing.
Mental health is how we live our daily life.
If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, that means you're going to be mad and mean all day.
(13:34):
And everybody that comes in your pathway is going to receive it.
But if you wake up with a decision, okay, today is going to be a very blessed, prosperous and productive day, no matter what comes down the turnpike.
That's a conscious decision.
But you got to constantly make that choice all through the day.
You have to purposely, intentionally, consistently speak your affirmations, speak the Word of God over you, pray.
(14:04):
And that's, again, cultivating your relationship, because without it, it's just you spinning your wheels.
Because I've tried that.
I've done that.
Fear is so very limiting.
When you look back through the years before that healing began, can you see some of the things that you missed out on because fear had held you captive?
I know I've missed out on a bunch of opportunities, even probably good relationships.
(14:32):
Fear keeps you from cultivating a relationship with the Lord, as well as people that's coming in your circle.
Because of the fear of failure, we tend not to try new things, coming out of your comfort zone to try new things.
I learned the hard way that there is no growth when you're just stagnated, when you're just sitting still.
(14:56):
I'm sure I've missed out on a lot of opportunities because of it.
The Lord reminded me of this little story that I heard that said, the graveyard is the richest place on earth.
And I'm like, how?
And that's when the Lord reminded me that so many people died in fear that their dreams and purpose and visions and everything died with them that could have changed the world in one way or the other.
(15:27):
And it's like, Lord, I don't want to be one of those people.
But I actually had the example.
My mom died without finding out her purpose and walking in it.
So I had a live example of what not to do in my face.
And it's like, I don't want to do that.
So that's why I say I broke up with fear.
(15:47):
But it's a constant choice every day.
What part does forgiveness play when we are wanting to break up with fear and seek recovery and healing?
Forgiveness is a huge part of it, because you already know the word says that we have to forgive if we want God to forgive us.
(16:07):
Even though we've had people to pray on us, you end up in a trauma loop.
You embody anger, even to the point of rage if you don't start putting this stuff in check.
We hurt people along the way.
I was telling the Lord, I don't have anybody that I need to forgive because I didn't hurt anyone.
(16:31):
But the Lord started showing me, yes, you did.
You were full of anger.
So you hurt many people.
You forgiving just the people around you, but you also, in order to move forward, we have to forgive even the ones that deeply hurt us, because unforgiveness takes root.
(16:53):
It's going to continue to feed the anger, the fear, the shame, the doubt.
I believe it's the biggest piece in there to help you move forward.
And it's not that you are giving that person or people the free pass.
That's not it.
You're intentionally loosening the grip of the fear that has on your life.
(17:17):
So forgiveness is a huge part of it.
You've touched on a very important part of forgiveness, and that is that we do not give someone a free pass.
We can forgive them, but we're not called to put ourselves back in harm's way.
And oftentimes there is this misconception around forgiveness that it's just pretending like something didn't happen.
(17:40):
How do we walk that balance of being able to forgive someone, but being able to say as well, but I don't feel that continuing a relationship or continuing a connection with them is a helpful thing.
Well, for one thing, just because you're forgiving someone doesn't mean, like you said, that we have to get back in close proximity to them.
(18:03):
People come in our lives for a reason, a season and a purpose.
But we're the ones who have to decipher, is this person here for a season, for a purpose or reason?
And once that period is up, we have to be willing to let them go.
That's only going to come with your deep relationship with the Lord.
(18:25):
He's going to let you know that you need to let this person go.
If that person just came in your life and all they did was harm, the Lord says that all things work out for our good.
So the Lord reminded me that He is not a wasteful God, that He uses everything that He has brought us through.
(18:48):
All the hurtful things that has happened to me, it grew my compassion when it comes to other people.
I used to be judgmental, but now I'm not judgmental to the women who stayed in relationships just because they were afraid to get out because I experienced that.
It was easy to say, oh, just leave them.
(19:09):
But that's not so.
I want to talk a little about your book, and firstly, let's look at that title, God, why did you save me?
Why did you choose that as a title for your book?
Well, first off, the Holy Ghost is the one that told me to name the book.
Second of all, that's one of the many questions that so many people have, especially those of us who have experienced so much hurt and pain through our lives.
(19:36):
Questions like, God, why was I born?
Why am I still here?
Because one of my prayers every night as a child before eight was, Lord, just let me die in my sleep.
That was my prayer as a child.
So that question came when I was eight years old, and that came from a house fire that my family experienced, and two of my siblings, my younger siblings, perished in the house fire.
(20:04):
I was angry at God, and I didn't realize I did that because my childhood is blocked.
And so I was angry at God.
I was like, why did you save me out of the fire?
And it came because so many people asked me this very question.
They assumed it was something spiritual, but it wasn't.
And once I went back to the Lord, I was like, God, why did you have me to name this book this?
(20:29):
And he said, you're correct.
It's nothing spiritual.
That's the question that you asked me.
Why did I save you out of the fire when that was your opportunity to finally die?
Answering your question, but he was like, no.
It's interesting how these things come around, and I'm wondering if you can give me a little bit of an understanding of the process of writing the book.
(20:53):
When did you decide I need to put some of these things down and print them to help others?
Again, it wasn't my decision.
It was the Lord.
I was a single mother.
In my early 20s, the Lord came to me and told me that I was going to write a book.
And I'm like, OK, you know, whatever.
And if you know anything about a single mother, all we care about is that day, surviving the day, getting through the day.
(21:20):
When the book came about in 2023, the Lord orchestrated me meeting my publisher.
Once I began to tell her my story, the things that God has brought me through and the accomplishments, she said, wow.
And the next thing she's like, well, where is your book?
And I was like, well, I'll get to that in about five years.
She was like, no, ma'am, you're going to write this book now.
(21:44):
I said, no, we're not going to do that.
She was like, why not?
I said, well, because I know it's going to be expensive.
I know it's going to be long.
And she was like, not necessarily.
I said, OK.
She said, well, I'm a publisher.
If I can guarantee you the process being simple, she said, would you do it?
(22:05):
I said, OK, if you say so.
The way that she blessed me to write this book was so simple.
She just gave me 15 questions and she said, just write.
She said, intentionally set out 10 to 20 minutes a day and answer the questions as fully as possible.
I think for about four weeks we met just to flesh out my responses.
(22:32):
In eight weeks, the book was edited and published.
The hardest part was me actually continuing the process.
I drew back three times out of fear, wondering what the family was going to think, wondering what everybody else was going to think.
But that was the biggest thing was wondering how the family was going to take it.
(22:53):
Two of those times the Lord came to me and said, you have a story that must be told.
The other time the Lord said that it's time to remove the mask and that you have to tell it.
The third time was my baby sister that told me, you earned the right to tell your story.
That was it.
I was like, OK, I'm going to do this because this is bigger than me.
(23:17):
As you are answering those questions and writing the book, I imagine you would have had to go back to some of the very painful parts of your life.
Was that a help in healing?
Was it things that came up that you were then able to hand over to God as you went through that process?
Yes.
Just the thought of having to drudge those images and thoughts back up, it was really scary.
(23:42):
But I had to continue to tell myself this is what God wants me to do.
He kept telling me that my story was going to help others.
The dedication is for those women that's hiding in the shadows of fear and shame.
I want women to know and men, if they decide to read the book, there is life on the other side of trauma.
(24:06):
But you've got to do the work.
There is no way around it.
You have to go through it.
And that's why I say your faith has to be so intact, has to be cultivated.
You are the CEO and founder of Firm Foundations Community Outreach.
Tell me a little about the work of the outreach.
(24:27):
Firm Foundation, the Lord gave me that name.
It goes back to your faith being the cornerstone.
Your faith in Jesus Christ creates the Firm Foundation because he reminded me when you experience trauma, you don't have a foundation.
And if you do, it's cracked, it's shaky.
So through the Lord, I want to help other women solidify their foundations in him.
(24:53):
There's a peer side, which is education and outreach, advocacy.
I want to continue the work of education and advocacy concerning mental health in the Black community, even more specifically the Black church, because the Lord has reminded me that the church has always been the gathering place, the cornerstone of the community.
(25:18):
The Lord was saying as long as they have a negative mindset towards mental health, there's not going to be any open conversation about it.
I was wanting to let the church know mental health and its resources were never meant to do away with God's healing.
I just want to remind our community that even though you're saved, you're still susceptible to the things that is going on in your life.
(25:49):
Anger and other things is just how we deal with it.
We can't keep neglecting and sweeping stuff under the rug.
That's why mental health is such an explosion now, because we chose not to deal with it.
And then the other side will be coaching for Christian women.
My help statement is I want to help Christian women break up with fear, discover their purpose, and to prioritize their self-care.
(26:17):
If we have a broken leg or some other problem with our body, we're always open to going to a medical professional, someone who's trained in how the body works so that we can seek healing.
Why do you think there's still so much stigma around mental health?
Why don't we feel comfortable at times going to someone who is trained in how the mind works, how God has set us up to think and act?
(26:44):
Why is there still a stigma around that in some churches?
For so long, Christian people, we've worn a cape.
We've worn this Superman or Wonder Woman cape.
Oh, you don't need a doctor for that or a therapist.
You just pray a little bit harder or just go pray.
The awful thing is when you say this to some people, and it's really the older generation because they've had to display so much toughness, mental toughness, so much quote unquote resilience.
(27:19):
It's their negative thought pattern towards mental health that's being passed down to other generations.
I'm so glad that the younger generations, they're more acceptable when it comes to mental health.
My biggest thing is to get the pastors to understand that King David in the book of Psalms displayed every emotion, raw emotion, and it's other parts of the Bible too, but raw emotions.
(27:51):
And the Lord starts showing me back in my early 20s.
When I was praying, he's like, stop.
He said, that's surface prayers.
He said, tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly.
He said, even if you're angry with me, tell me.
He said, because I already know.
I'm like, okay, Lord, and you'll still love me?
That's when he directed me to King David.
(28:12):
He said, King David showed me all of his raw emotions.
He said, but I still called him a man after my own heart.
And that's when I began to be honest with God about everything.
Carolyn, I'm sure that there are people who would be wanting to get in touch with you to either get hold of your book, God, Why Do You Save Me?, or to find out more about Firm Foundations Community Outreach.
(28:37):
Where is the easiest place for people to find you online?
The easiest places right now is social media, Carolyn J.
Murphy, LinkedIn, Firm Foundations, Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram.
And I will put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily as well.
(28:58):
Carolyn, I want to say thank you for sharing your story, for being open with the things that God has brought you through, and to be able to share healing with others.
It's been a great conversation.
And thank you for your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
I again appreciate the opportunity.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
(29:21):
Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others.
For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net.
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