April 13, 2025 • 30 mins
In this illuminating episode of Bleeding Daylight, Rodney Olsen speaks with Dea Irby, a community-building expert whose journey includes owning a tea room, becoming a successful realtor, raising eight children, and authoring multiple books. Dea shares her powerful CLAIM framework (Chosen, Loved, Acknowledged, Invested in, Matter) for building authentic communities where people feel they truly belong, whether in business settings or personal relationships.
Drawing from her faith and diverse life experiences, Dea explores the tension between our individualistic tendencies and our innate desire for connection. She offers practical wisdom for creating safe spaces where people can be their authentic selves, discusses the challenges of church hurt, and explains how the principles of community building reflect God's own trinitarian nature. This conversation provides valuable insights for anyone seeking to build stronger, more meaningful connections in any area of life.
WEBLINKS Dea’s Linktree Facebook Instagram LinkedIn TEDx Talk Dea Irby on Amazon Dea Irby on Alignable Hear Where You Belong Podcast Hear Where You Belong Podcast on YouTube
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for listening.
Bleeding Daylight is a place to hear powerful stories of hope.
There are dozens of other episodes waiting for you at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:33):
There's something inside all of us that cries out to belong, to be part of something bigger, but often it's fighting against our desire to keep to ourselves and stay hidden.
How do we build authentic communities where we are both seen and safe?
Today's guest helps others find belonging in various areas of life.
(01:03):
Today I'm in conversation with Dea Irby, a woman whose journey embodies the art of reinvention and community building.
From owning a tea room in North Georgia to becoming a successful realtor in North Carolina.
Dea has worn many hats while raising eight children and authoring multiple books.
(01:23):
She now writes strategies to help leaders create stronger communities in both business and family life.
She brings a wealth of experience and wisdom to our conversation today.
Dea, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thank you so much, Rodney.
What a pleasure to be with you, especially to get to visit my future tomorrow.
(01:47):
I'm way over here in North Carolina and you are way over there on Western Australia.
We're just a little bit ahead time-wise, so yes, you're in the future.
Wow.
Time travel at its finest.
We keep moving towards a more individualistic society and yet we can't seem to escape an internal desire to be part of something bigger.
(02:13):
I know that community is your passion.
What set you on the path of desiring to grow community and help others grow community?
I would say a pivotal time was when I didn't have it.
I grew up in a very small Mississippi town.
(02:33):
Yes, I'm from South America, Mississippi.
Everybody knew everybody.
It was a community like cheers.
Everybody knows your name, which is really an anchoring feeling.
It also keeps you in line because somebody's going to, if you get out of line, tell your mom or call your aunt who will be brave enough to tell your mom.
(02:56):
So I stayed on the straight and narrow.
After my husband and I married, we moved 13 hours away from anything or anybody that I knew.
And all of a sudden, I didn't have anything to belong to really.
That's when I had to begin my journey of belonging to myself and really getting a relationship with God better.
(03:23):
But I also realized we are created to be in community.
There's a reason why there's that famous quote, no man is an island, is because we are meant to live in community.
We need each other to be iron sharpening iron or holding each other up as we walk the trail of life or to be an inspiration to people behind us or to see someone that is an inspiration before us.
(03:59):
A mentor or be me a mentee or a mentor.
We need each other.
Also, I started meeting people outside my cute little bubble in Mississippi.
Oh, wait.
Other people had no clue what belonging in a community is.
(04:19):
I thought everybody knew what that was like.
Whatever we start life out with, good or bad, that is our normal.
And we think the whole rest of the world has that for their normal.
Then every family always have a meal together at the table at night.
(04:40):
Or doesn't every family have chores that everyone participates in?
Doesn't every family have a garden in the backyard?
Doesn't every family reinvent themselves because you lose a job every three months?
Whatever, whatever it is we started with, that's what we see as normal.
(05:03):
And that's what we think the rest of the world has.
And I realize that everybody doesn't know what belonging feels like and the power in being together.
We seem to have this disconnect between that desire to belong, that desire for community, and yet our desire to stay as an individual.
(05:27):
I saw some research a couple of years ago that says that things have changed to the point where many people, in fact, the most common response to where do you find community is in a big shopping center, a big shopping mall.
And it seems to me that that's a place where we can be surrounded by people yet not connected to any of them.
(05:49):
Why do you think there has been that shift to keep to ourselves, I guess almost protect ourselves, and yet still be around others?
That is a great question.
And I'm sure as many people as listening to this are as many answers as there could possibly be.
There are multiple factors.
(06:11):
One is the world of the digital age where you feel like you have all these supporters because look how many followers I have on social meDea.
Look at how many people commented on my post.
I'm connected.
(06:31):
I have a community.
Well, yes, maybe.
Maybe those are genuine connections.
But is the person that you project on social really who you are?
So that's another element.
People have gotten away from being their authentic selves.
(06:54):
Either they don't know how or they're afraid to if they know themselves.
What if I get rejected?
And we spend too much time thinking about what other people think, other people's opinions.
And as I say, what other people think of me is none of my business.
(07:14):
They can think whatever they want is not my business.
I can't change their opinion.
So that's another factor.
The false feeling of connectedness, the false feeling of community that we get through social meDea is one reason we don't have the true connections.
(07:35):
And another reason is because people are scared to be their real selves authentically.
So if you're not being your real self, even in real life, if you're presenting this persona, you're not connected.
Your persona is.
So you aren't part of that community.
So part of it is being afraid.
(07:57):
The other part is just not even knowing who that real you is to bring to the party.
It's like you're putting on a costume every time you go out and people are Disney characters.
At Disney World, all those characters walking around, the people.
Oh, and here's a hint.
(08:17):
There are people inside those costumes.
They are not allowed to tell anyone that they played that street character because Disney doesn't want that illusion to be broken.
And we can go in and out of character.
Too many times we find ourselves coming to the party in our Disney character and then people get really familiar with our Disney character and then they think they know us.
(08:49):
So they don't unzip the cut.
Well, that's kind of crude.
They don't ask us to come out of our costume.
We have tended to think of community as something that we do in our own time.
Community is something that we do with people that we meet after work.
And yet you're keen to not only foster community within that setting, but also in business.
(09:16):
How important is it that we have some sort of sense of community within the business world?
Absolutely.
I say belonging boosts the bottom line.
If people feel like they are part of a culture that they belong in the culture, they're going to take ownership.
(09:37):
They're not just going to show up.
It's not like, well, let me come do my best for your company.
It's this is our company.
And the productivity goes up.
I can't remember the statistics for the percentage of productivity that increases.
But one statistic I do remember, if they do feel like they belong, the decrease in sick days goes down by 75%.
(10:07):
So that obviously is going to have the counter effect of being more productive.
Because you certainly are more productive if you're at work.
That only is logical.
That is just one part of how belonging boosts the bottom line.
(10:29):
The company runs better, which makes it more productive.
And people get fulfillment out of contributing to something they feel like matters.
I know that community is something, as I say, that is very important to you.
And you've drawn a lot of the lessons that you're wanting to pass on to others from your faith.
(10:51):
Tell me about that.
Tell me about your connection to God and how faith intersects with that sense of community.
Beautiful question.
Well, first of all, God is in community and in complete.
Because you've got the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit from eternity past.
And we are created in His image.
(11:14):
If community and belonging is good enough for God, then it's good enough for us, right?
We need it, and we can find it.
First, we can find it with God.
And when we've filled up our belonging cup, I guess, if we've filled up our jar of belonging with God, then we have something we can pour out for other people.
(11:38):
And feel like we can offer to them a welcoming to a belonging, to a community.
My husband pastored churches, and his gifting with churches was revitalization.
Either church planting or revitalization.
That means, you know, somebody wants their church to be good and growing, and it isn't.
(12:03):
So we would come in, and that's where we could really see sharing the community with God, the belonging to God in a church attracted people that were looking for that place to belong.
In loving the people and sharing this with the people, and of course, just sharing God with them, it grew, because that's what people are hungry for.
(12:29):
Everybody wants to belong somewhere, and we hope that they want to belong to a good place like a church, but if they can't find that, that's what populates the street gangs.
It's just because they want to belong somewhere, and somebody's accepting them.
We do recognize that being part of community, honestly being part of community, actually requires something from us, because it's not just reaping all the benefits of being around people and feeling belonging, as you're talking about there.
(13:02):
We've got to do something to make sure that other people in that community feel like they belong.
So it requires something of us.
Do you think that maybe that's sometimes the reason that people shrink back from being in community?
Absolutely.
Either they don't know what to do, or they don't realize they need to do something, or they're afraid, or they're hesitant.
(13:29):
They're lazy.
They're just thinking about themselves instead of other people.
But when you think about other people, and you begin to realize, I need to do for others, not as I would have them doing to me, but do for others how they would like to be done to.
(13:50):
The definition of a sweater is what a little boy wears when his mother is cold.
Don't go around putting sweaters on people and feel like you've done something.
Get to know people.
And, of course, to get to know people really in community with them, the real you has to show up, and they have to get to know you.
(14:15):
And that takes a lot of work.
Sometimes it means working through conflicts.
Sometimes it means setting boundaries.
I know there have been some people we've come across over the years of working with people.
No matter what you do for them, they're not going to get better.
They just want to live a codependent life.
(14:38):
Maybe they're not the right person for your community, and you need to set boundaries, healthy boundaries.
And it's better for them, too.
They'll never come out of where they are until they are faced with the fact that they need to learn some things and grow.
It's the emotional intelligence, you know, the self-awareness.
(15:02):
Some people have no self-awareness.
And then once maybe they're self-aware, they have to learn self-mastery.
And then they can be empathetic toward others.
In community, you've got all these different kinds of people.
You just need to work at it.
(15:22):
It's hard work.
That's why people don't like it.
It's hard work, but there's definitely benefits to it.
And I'm sure that, you know, we've touched on many of those benefits of feeling that you're part of something bigger.
But what we see arising over recent years is a number of people who have walked away from being in community in church.
(15:45):
Now, we don't want to diminish those feelings of church hurt that some people have experienced, some bad experiences that they've had.
But there seems to be this growing sense from some people that they can live a Christian life in isolation, just them and Jesus.
(16:06):
How do we firstly reach out to those people and say there is a safe place?
There is a safe place to be in community.
And encourage them to rejoin a community that they do feel safe in.
There are two parts to that.
And this is a serious issue.
Part of the solution to this is for churches to realize they're not scratching where people itch.
(16:34):
So the churches need to do something different.
They're not building the right belonging culture.
People aren't feeling like they matter.
I know too many people that are living with church hurt.
What people have to remember is churches are not perfect.
(16:54):
Well, as my husband used to tell people, find a perfect church and join it.
And it's not perfect anymore because you've joined it.
It's made up of people.
So that's where communication and dealing with conflict comes in.
Where's the grace?
We're supposed to lovingly instruct and restore to true fellowship.
(17:20):
On the other hand, if a believer is reading the Word and it says, forsake not yourselves the assembly, and it's not just for you, maybe there's somebody that's there that needs you to be there because you have something.
If you are the Christian that you want to be, then you have something that you can give to the people at the church.
(17:49):
Because God's big plan is for us to be a body.
And, you know, you can't pick up anything if you don't have your thumb.
Maybe you're a thumb.
Get back in church and help people pick stuff up.
What would you say is how we can address this situation?
(18:10):
First of all, people need to feel that they've been heard, that if there has been an issue that they have been heard.
But I think that goes both ways.
There needs to be this coming together, which is what community is about, isn't it?
That we hear each other.
We hear where there have been hurts.
We hear where there have been things that haven't been as they should be.
(18:32):
And then we both, both sides, commit to, OK, how do we do this better?
How do we walk forward knowing what we know about who God is and what he wants within the body?
How do we walk forward?
And I think that's probably a big part of the solution.
In marriage counseling, you tell the wife, well, of course he's not going to do what you want if he can't read your mind.
(18:57):
So if you got hurt at church, but you never told anybody why you feel hurt or what happened, how are they supposed to fix it?
How are they supposed to know?
There has to be communication.
You have to tell somebody about it.
And when someone is brave enough to speak up, then church.
(19:22):
Listen, just like you said, Rodney, I have a friend that has a ministry to people that just can't go back through the church doors.
How does she do her ministry?
She has church online on Friday nights.
She's created a safe community.
(19:46):
They have a lesson and they discuss it so people feel heard and different people share.
It's a real, let's try doing church differently.
What's our goal?
What are we trying to do?
We want to gather, support each other, honor and worship God.
Now, I know that you're very keen on sharing this message of community with people, but you've shared a lot of messages over time.
(20:14):
You've written a lot of books.
Talk me through some of your writing experiences.
I've been a contributor to a couple of books, and my first official solo book was actually a cookbook after I owned my tea room in the North Georgia foothills.
But it's not just a cookbook.
(20:35):
It's got stories of the little town and stories of customers that came in and stories behind the recipes.
You know, how I was inspired to make the frango based on a Brazilian dish.
And frango is chicken, Portuguese for chicken.
So that was kind of fun.
(20:55):
And it helped people because they said, what are we going to do when you move to North Georgia and close your tea room?
How are we going to get your chicken salad?
Buy my cookbook and make it yourself.
So that, but also I've been in three different chicken soup for the soul books.
I know those are global famous and three different titles.
(21:17):
I have a book for bringing to the business world.
I got inspired that I needed to try to put together my thoughts on building a company culture after considering the great resignation and quiet quitters.
(21:37):
Okay, we see that's a problem.
If I'm leading a company, what can I do?
And that's where I created the succinct way of explaining five pillars or five facets of building community.
(21:57):
And it's an acrostic that spells claim, C-L-A-I-N.
People don't want to just sort of be connected.
They want to be claimed.
In other words, you know, hey, they're in our tribe.
The C is chosen.
Just like way back in PE when they had the team captains and they had to choose people.
(22:23):
I don't know, were you a team captain or the last one picked?
Whichever, it impacts you to know you're chosen.
Well, that is what you're doing when you're onboarding someone or having them interview.
When they do get the job and you've gone through all this and you make sure they understand the culture and the standards and the values and your mission, they've got all that, and you say, we want you part of our team.
(22:52):
How much does that make them feel like, yes, my company, they can have ownership in that.
That's the C, chosen.
The L is easy guess, loved.
And in the business world, that means I want to respect you and know that you have a safe and secure place.
(23:14):
You're not going to show up one day out of the blue and have a pack your box and get out.
There will have been all this conversation beforehand.
If you see something as an employee, if you see something that needs to be corrected or changed or improved, you can safely go to the leader, the boss, the manager and say, hey, I've got this idea, or can we talk about this?
(23:43):
Do it freely and safely and know you're not, get out of here.
This is my company.
I don't know who would do that.
Hopefully don't work for them if they would do that.
Anyway, so that's the L.
People want to know they're loved, that they can go to work.
The A is acknowledged.
(24:03):
From that first step you took as a toddler and everybody in the room burst out in applause.
Yay, look, he's walking.
We like that.
We like to be acknowledged for our accomplishments.
And so you have a system built into your company where hard workers are rewarded.
(24:25):
But acknowledgement can go much deeper and even more economical and less complicated than that.
Rodney, when someone uses your name, when they talk to you, you feel more seen.
You're just not a person.
Acknowledging someone by using their name goes a long way.
(24:49):
Acknowledging someone by looking them in the eyes.
If a boss stops by your desk and his feet aren't toward you, it means they're only passing through.
They're not really acknowledging that they want to be in your presence.
Same if you're at a restaurant and the owner wants to stop by the tables and see how your meal's going.
(25:16):
Look at their feet.
Are they facing you like they really aren't interested in you?
Acknowledging people in those simple ways, it's smiling.
When you smile, it releases happy chemicals in your brain.
Excuse my scientific terminology.
Our body responds.
(25:38):
Our muscles of our face respond with a smile when we actually see a smile, which makes our brain, whoever you smile to that smiles, they get happy chemicals too.
You're acknowledging people in that way.
The I is invest, invested in.
(25:59):
People want to know that you're going to invest in them with the materials to do the job, the equipment they need, the training they need, money maybe.
It doesn't always have to be money, but hey, who's going to turn down a bonus?
Another economical investment, which it does cost something, it's time.
(26:24):
If you stopped and just spent some time with someone and listened, that investment, that is going a long way.
And the M is people want to know they matter.
Do I matter?
Does it matter that I'm here?
But also in a company that they can be associated with, that they are making a difference.
(26:52):
So the M can be that they matter, they're making a difference, or they're made for greatness.
We are each gift wrapped for the world to be here and bring our gifts and share us with the world.
And we are going to make a difference.
(27:12):
And that is our greatness.
Our greatness may be the best floor sweeper in the factory because that is our gift.
And it wouldn't be me because I'm a terrible sweeper.
It's got to be somebody else's gift.
Actually, there's a story about that in the Chicken Soup for the Soul book on forgiveness, that forgiveness fix about what a terrible sweeper I am.
(27:38):
But what's awesome is that's how you treat other people.
That's how you lead other people.
You think of those.
How can you claim those by choosing them, loving them, acknowledging them, investing in them, and letting them know they're made for greatness.
You can also do that for yourself.
And as you do that for yourself, you become your more authentic self.
(28:02):
And that's a book I wrote.
It's a journal that helps you work through how to love yourself, how to claim yourself, but also what was cool as I thought about this, that it's the gospel.
God chose us.
And because he loves us, he acknowledged our need of a savior and invested in us by giving us his son because we matter.
(28:28):
So it works all around.
It certainly does.
And as you say, it works in so many different areas.
While you've been using that in business, it's something we can focus on for ourselves.
And certainly pointing it back to the gospel, pointing it back to God, it makes a very big difference.
Now, Dea, I know that there's so much more we could talk about, but if people wanted to connect with you, find out a little bit more about the work that you're doing, the things that you've written, the podcasts that you're part of, where is the easiest place for people to find you?
(29:03):
Probably DeaIrby.com.
You can find my books on Amazon, and I have an author page there that lists my books.
Oh, I have a couple of parenting books that are more like booklets.
The podcast here, like you hear with your ear, H-E-A-R, here where you belong is on all the podcast channels.
(29:33):
Put my name in, and you might find me in all kinds of places.
Well, I will certainly put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily, listen to your podcast, read your books, and just connect with you.
Dea, it has been an absolute delight to talk with you.
Thank you so much for your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
(29:55):
Thank you, Rodney.
It's been my pleasure.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others.
For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net.
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.
This is Bleeding Daylight with your host, Rodney Olsen.
Welcome and thanks for listening.
Bleeding Daylight is a place to hear powerful stories of hope.
There are dozens of other episodes waiting for you at bleedingdaylight.net.
(00:33):
There's something inside all of us that cries out to belong, to be part of something bigger, but often it's fighting against our desire to keep to ourselves and stay hidden.
How do we build authentic communities where we are both seen and safe?
Today's guest helps others find belonging in various areas of life.
(01:03):
Today I'm in conversation with Dea Irby, a woman whose journey embodies the art of reinvention and community building.
From owning a tea room in North Georgia to becoming a successful realtor in North Carolina.
Dea has worn many hats while raising eight children and authoring multiple books.
(01:23):
She now writes strategies to help leaders create stronger communities in both business and family life.
She brings a wealth of experience and wisdom to our conversation today.
Dea, welcome to Bleeding Daylight.
Thank you so much, Rodney.
What a pleasure to be with you, especially to get to visit my future tomorrow.
(01:47):
I'm way over here in North Carolina and you are way over there on Western Australia.
We're just a little bit ahead time-wise, so yes, you're in the future.
Wow.
Time travel at its finest.
We keep moving towards a more individualistic society and yet we can't seem to escape an internal desire to be part of something bigger.
(02:13):
I know that community is your passion.
What set you on the path of desiring to grow community and help others grow community?
I would say a pivotal time was when I didn't have it.
I grew up in a very small Mississippi town.
(02:33):
Yes, I'm from South America, Mississippi.
Everybody knew everybody.
It was a community like cheers.
Everybody knows your name, which is really an anchoring feeling.
It also keeps you in line because somebody's going to, if you get out of line, tell your mom or call your aunt who will be brave enough to tell your mom.
(02:56):
So I stayed on the straight and narrow.
After my husband and I married, we moved 13 hours away from anything or anybody that I knew.
And all of a sudden, I didn't have anything to belong to really.
That's when I had to begin my journey of belonging to myself and really getting a relationship with God better.
(03:23):
But I also realized we are created to be in community.
There's a reason why there's that famous quote, no man is an island, is because we are meant to live in community.
We need each other to be iron sharpening iron or holding each other up as we walk the trail of life or to be an inspiration to people behind us or to see someone that is an inspiration before us.
(03:59):
A mentor or be me a mentee or a mentor.
We need each other.
Also, I started meeting people outside my cute little bubble in Mississippi.
Oh, wait.
Other people had no clue what belonging in a community is.
(04:19):
I thought everybody knew what that was like.
Whatever we start life out with, good or bad, that is our normal.
And we think the whole rest of the world has that for their normal.
Then every family always have a meal together at the table at night.
(04:40):
Or doesn't every family have chores that everyone participates in?
Doesn't every family have a garden in the backyard?
Doesn't every family reinvent themselves because you lose a job every three months?
Whatever, whatever it is we started with, that's what we see as normal.
(05:03):
And that's what we think the rest of the world has.
And I realize that everybody doesn't know what belonging feels like and the power in being together.
We seem to have this disconnect between that desire to belong, that desire for community, and yet our desire to stay as an individual.
(05:27):
I saw some research a couple of years ago that says that things have changed to the point where many people, in fact, the most common response to where do you find community is in a big shopping center, a big shopping mall.
And it seems to me that that's a place where we can be surrounded by people yet not connected to any of them.
(05:49):
Why do you think there has been that shift to keep to ourselves, I guess almost protect ourselves, and yet still be around others?
That is a great question.
And I'm sure as many people as listening to this are as many answers as there could possibly be.
There are multiple factors.
(06:11):
One is the world of the digital age where you feel like you have all these supporters because look how many followers I have on social meDea.
Look at how many people commented on my post.
I'm connected.
(06:31):
I have a community.
Well, yes, maybe.
Maybe those are genuine connections.
But is the person that you project on social really who you are?
So that's another element.
People have gotten away from being their authentic selves.
(06:54):
Either they don't know how or they're afraid to if they know themselves.
What if I get rejected?
And we spend too much time thinking about what other people think, other people's opinions.
And as I say, what other people think of me is none of my business.
(07:14):
They can think whatever they want is not my business.
I can't change their opinion.
So that's another factor.
The false feeling of connectedness, the false feeling of community that we get through social meDea is one reason we don't have the true connections.
(07:35):
And another reason is because people are scared to be their real selves authentically.
So if you're not being your real self, even in real life, if you're presenting this persona, you're not connected.
Your persona is.
So you aren't part of that community.
So part of it is being afraid.
(07:57):
The other part is just not even knowing who that real you is to bring to the party.
It's like you're putting on a costume every time you go out and people are Disney characters.
At Disney World, all those characters walking around, the people.
Oh, and here's a hint.
(08:17):
There are people inside those costumes.
They are not allowed to tell anyone that they played that street character because Disney doesn't want that illusion to be broken.
And we can go in and out of character.
Too many times we find ourselves coming to the party in our Disney character and then people get really familiar with our Disney character and then they think they know us.
(08:49):
So they don't unzip the cut.
Well, that's kind of crude.
They don't ask us to come out of our costume.
We have tended to think of community as something that we do in our own time.
Community is something that we do with people that we meet after work.
And yet you're keen to not only foster community within that setting, but also in business.
(09:16):
How important is it that we have some sort of sense of community within the business world?
Absolutely.
I say belonging boosts the bottom line.
If people feel like they are part of a culture that they belong in the culture, they're going to take ownership.
(09:37):
They're not just going to show up.
It's not like, well, let me come do my best for your company.
It's this is our company.
And the productivity goes up.
I can't remember the statistics for the percentage of productivity that increases.
But one statistic I do remember, if they do feel like they belong, the decrease in sick days goes down by 75%.
(10:07):
So that obviously is going to have the counter effect of being more productive.
Because you certainly are more productive if you're at work.
That only is logical.
That is just one part of how belonging boosts the bottom line.
(10:29):
The company runs better, which makes it more productive.
And people get fulfillment out of contributing to something they feel like matters.
I know that community is something, as I say, that is very important to you.
And you've drawn a lot of the lessons that you're wanting to pass on to others from your faith.
(10:51):
Tell me about that.
Tell me about your connection to God and how faith intersects with that sense of community.
Beautiful question.
Well, first of all, God is in community and in complete.
Because you've got the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit from eternity past.
And we are created in His image.
(11:14):
If community and belonging is good enough for God, then it's good enough for us, right?
We need it, and we can find it.
First, we can find it with God.
And when we've filled up our belonging cup, I guess, if we've filled up our jar of belonging with God, then we have something we can pour out for other people.
(11:38):
And feel like we can offer to them a welcoming to a belonging, to a community.
My husband pastored churches, and his gifting with churches was revitalization.
Either church planting or revitalization.
That means, you know, somebody wants their church to be good and growing, and it isn't.
(12:03):
So we would come in, and that's where we could really see sharing the community with God, the belonging to God in a church attracted people that were looking for that place to belong.
In loving the people and sharing this with the people, and of course, just sharing God with them, it grew, because that's what people are hungry for.
(12:29):
Everybody wants to belong somewhere, and we hope that they want to belong to a good place like a church, but if they can't find that, that's what populates the street gangs.
It's just because they want to belong somewhere, and somebody's accepting them.
We do recognize that being part of community, honestly being part of community, actually requires something from us, because it's not just reaping all the benefits of being around people and feeling belonging, as you're talking about there.
(13:02):
We've got to do something to make sure that other people in that community feel like they belong.
So it requires something of us.
Do you think that maybe that's sometimes the reason that people shrink back from being in community?
Absolutely.
Either they don't know what to do, or they don't realize they need to do something, or they're afraid, or they're hesitant.
(13:29):
They're lazy.
They're just thinking about themselves instead of other people.
But when you think about other people, and you begin to realize, I need to do for others, not as I would have them doing to me, but do for others how they would like to be done to.
(13:50):
The definition of a sweater is what a little boy wears when his mother is cold.
Don't go around putting sweaters on people and feel like you've done something.
Get to know people.
And, of course, to get to know people really in community with them, the real you has to show up, and they have to get to know you.
(14:15):
And that takes a lot of work.
Sometimes it means working through conflicts.
Sometimes it means setting boundaries.
I know there have been some people we've come across over the years of working with people.
No matter what you do for them, they're not going to get better.
They just want to live a codependent life.
(14:38):
Maybe they're not the right person for your community, and you need to set boundaries, healthy boundaries.
And it's better for them, too.
They'll never come out of where they are until they are faced with the fact that they need to learn some things and grow.
It's the emotional intelligence, you know, the self-awareness.
(15:02):
Some people have no self-awareness.
And then once maybe they're self-aware, they have to learn self-mastery.
And then they can be empathetic toward others.
In community, you've got all these different kinds of people.
You just need to work at it.
(15:22):
It's hard work.
That's why people don't like it.
It's hard work, but there's definitely benefits to it.
And I'm sure that, you know, we've touched on many of those benefits of feeling that you're part of something bigger.
But what we see arising over recent years is a number of people who have walked away from being in community in church.
(15:45):
Now, we don't want to diminish those feelings of church hurt that some people have experienced, some bad experiences that they've had.
But there seems to be this growing sense from some people that they can live a Christian life in isolation, just them and Jesus.
(16:06):
How do we firstly reach out to those people and say there is a safe place?
There is a safe place to be in community.
And encourage them to rejoin a community that they do feel safe in.
There are two parts to that.
And this is a serious issue.
Part of the solution to this is for churches to realize they're not scratching where people itch.
(16:34):
So the churches need to do something different.
They're not building the right belonging culture.
People aren't feeling like they matter.
I know too many people that are living with church hurt.
What people have to remember is churches are not perfect.
(16:54):
Well, as my husband used to tell people, find a perfect church and join it.
And it's not perfect anymore because you've joined it.
It's made up of people.
So that's where communication and dealing with conflict comes in.
Where's the grace?
We're supposed to lovingly instruct and restore to true fellowship.
(17:20):
On the other hand, if a believer is reading the Word and it says, forsake not yourselves the assembly, and it's not just for you, maybe there's somebody that's there that needs you to be there because you have something.
If you are the Christian that you want to be, then you have something that you can give to the people at the church.
(17:49):
Because God's big plan is for us to be a body.
And, you know, you can't pick up anything if you don't have your thumb.
Maybe you're a thumb.
Get back in church and help people pick stuff up.
What would you say is how we can address this situation?
(18:10):
First of all, people need to feel that they've been heard, that if there has been an issue that they have been heard.
But I think that goes both ways.
There needs to be this coming together, which is what community is about, isn't it?
That we hear each other.
We hear where there have been hurts.
We hear where there have been things that haven't been as they should be.
(18:32):
And then we both, both sides, commit to, OK, how do we do this better?
How do we walk forward knowing what we know about who God is and what he wants within the body?
How do we walk forward?
And I think that's probably a big part of the solution.
In marriage counseling, you tell the wife, well, of course he's not going to do what you want if he can't read your mind.
(18:57):
So if you got hurt at church, but you never told anybody why you feel hurt or what happened, how are they supposed to fix it?
How are they supposed to know?
There has to be communication.
You have to tell somebody about it.
And when someone is brave enough to speak up, then church.
(19:22):
Listen, just like you said, Rodney, I have a friend that has a ministry to people that just can't go back through the church doors.
How does she do her ministry?
She has church online on Friday nights.
She's created a safe community.
(19:46):
They have a lesson and they discuss it so people feel heard and different people share.
It's a real, let's try doing church differently.
What's our goal?
What are we trying to do?
We want to gather, support each other, honor and worship God.
Now, I know that you're very keen on sharing this message of community with people, but you've shared a lot of messages over time.
(20:14):
You've written a lot of books.
Talk me through some of your writing experiences.
I've been a contributor to a couple of books, and my first official solo book was actually a cookbook after I owned my tea room in the North Georgia foothills.
But it's not just a cookbook.
(20:35):
It's got stories of the little town and stories of customers that came in and stories behind the recipes.
You know, how I was inspired to make the frango based on a Brazilian dish.
And frango is chicken, Portuguese for chicken.
So that was kind of fun.
(20:55):
And it helped people because they said, what are we going to do when you move to North Georgia and close your tea room?
How are we going to get your chicken salad?
Buy my cookbook and make it yourself.
So that, but also I've been in three different chicken soup for the soul books.
I know those are global famous and three different titles.
(21:17):
I have a book for bringing to the business world.
I got inspired that I needed to try to put together my thoughts on building a company culture after considering the great resignation and quiet quitters.
(21:37):
Okay, we see that's a problem.
If I'm leading a company, what can I do?
And that's where I created the succinct way of explaining five pillars or five facets of building community.
(21:57):
And it's an acrostic that spells claim, C-L-A-I-N.
People don't want to just sort of be connected.
They want to be claimed.
In other words, you know, hey, they're in our tribe.
The C is chosen.
Just like way back in PE when they had the team captains and they had to choose people.
(22:23):
I don't know, were you a team captain or the last one picked?
Whichever, it impacts you to know you're chosen.
Well, that is what you're doing when you're onboarding someone or having them interview.
When they do get the job and you've gone through all this and you make sure they understand the culture and the standards and the values and your mission, they've got all that, and you say, we want you part of our team.
(22:52):
How much does that make them feel like, yes, my company, they can have ownership in that.
That's the C, chosen.
The L is easy guess, loved.
And in the business world, that means I want to respect you and know that you have a safe and secure place.
(23:14):
You're not going to show up one day out of the blue and have a pack your box and get out.
There will have been all this conversation beforehand.
If you see something as an employee, if you see something that needs to be corrected or changed or improved, you can safely go to the leader, the boss, the manager and say, hey, I've got this idea, or can we talk about this?
(23:43):
Do it freely and safely and know you're not, get out of here.
This is my company.
I don't know who would do that.
Hopefully don't work for them if they would do that.
Anyway, so that's the L.
People want to know they're loved, that they can go to work.
The A is acknowledged.
(24:03):
From that first step you took as a toddler and everybody in the room burst out in applause.
Yay, look, he's walking.
We like that.
We like to be acknowledged for our accomplishments.
And so you have a system built into your company where hard workers are rewarded.
(24:25):
But acknowledgement can go much deeper and even more economical and less complicated than that.
Rodney, when someone uses your name, when they talk to you, you feel more seen.
You're just not a person.
Acknowledging someone by using their name goes a long way.
(24:49):
Acknowledging someone by looking them in the eyes.
If a boss stops by your desk and his feet aren't toward you, it means they're only passing through.
They're not really acknowledging that they want to be in your presence.
Same if you're at a restaurant and the owner wants to stop by the tables and see how your meal's going.
(25:16):
Look at their feet.
Are they facing you like they really aren't interested in you?
Acknowledging people in those simple ways, it's smiling.
When you smile, it releases happy chemicals in your brain.
Excuse my scientific terminology.
Our body responds.
(25:38):
Our muscles of our face respond with a smile when we actually see a smile, which makes our brain, whoever you smile to that smiles, they get happy chemicals too.
You're acknowledging people in that way.
The I is invest, invested in.
(25:59):
People want to know that you're going to invest in them with the materials to do the job, the equipment they need, the training they need, money maybe.
It doesn't always have to be money, but hey, who's going to turn down a bonus?
Another economical investment, which it does cost something, it's time.
(26:24):
If you stopped and just spent some time with someone and listened, that investment, that is going a long way.
And the M is people want to know they matter.
Do I matter?
Does it matter that I'm here?
But also in a company that they can be associated with, that they are making a difference.
(26:52):
So the M can be that they matter, they're making a difference, or they're made for greatness.
We are each gift wrapped for the world to be here and bring our gifts and share us with the world.
And we are going to make a difference.
(27:12):
And that is our greatness.
Our greatness may be the best floor sweeper in the factory because that is our gift.
And it wouldn't be me because I'm a terrible sweeper.
It's got to be somebody else's gift.
Actually, there's a story about that in the Chicken Soup for the Soul book on forgiveness, that forgiveness fix about what a terrible sweeper I am.
(27:38):
But what's awesome is that's how you treat other people.
That's how you lead other people.
You think of those.
How can you claim those by choosing them, loving them, acknowledging them, investing in them, and letting them know they're made for greatness.
You can also do that for yourself.
And as you do that for yourself, you become your more authentic self.
(28:02):
And that's a book I wrote.
It's a journal that helps you work through how to love yourself, how to claim yourself, but also what was cool as I thought about this, that it's the gospel.
God chose us.
And because he loves us, he acknowledged our need of a savior and invested in us by giving us his son because we matter.
(28:28):
So it works all around.
It certainly does.
And as you say, it works in so many different areas.
While you've been using that in business, it's something we can focus on for ourselves.
And certainly pointing it back to the gospel, pointing it back to God, it makes a very big difference.
Now, Dea, I know that there's so much more we could talk about, but if people wanted to connect with you, find out a little bit more about the work that you're doing, the things that you've written, the podcasts that you're part of, where is the easiest place for people to find you?
(29:03):
Probably DeaIrby.com.
You can find my books on Amazon, and I have an author page there that lists my books.
Oh, I have a couple of parenting books that are more like booklets.
The podcast here, like you hear with your ear, H-E-A-R, here where you belong is on all the podcast channels.
(29:33):
Put my name in, and you might find me in all kinds of places.
Well, I will certainly put links in the show notes at bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find you easily, listen to your podcast, read your books, and just connect with you.
Dea, it has been an absolute delight to talk with you.
Thank you so much for your time today on Bleeding Daylight.
(29:55):
Thank you, Rodney.
It's been my pleasure.
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight.
Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode with others.
For further details and more episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com