November 12, 2023 • 28 mins
Sarah E. Frazer is a writer, Bible study mentor, wife, and mother of five. With a background in missionary work and Bible teaching, Sarah has a passion for encouraging people, especially women, to develop good habits around Bible reading and prayer. Her book, I Didn’t Sign Up for This: How to Rest in God’s Goodness When Your Story Shifts, is all about being able to grow through whatever detour, setback, heartache, or disappointment life has thrown at you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emily Olsen (00:08):
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick out the darkness until it bleeds daylight. This is Bleeding
Daylight with your host RodneyOlsen.
Rodney Olsen (00:19):
Welcome. I'm sure you're going to enjoy this episode of Bleeding Daylight, and please remember that there are many more
episodes at bleedingdaylight.net.That's also where you'll find our social media links. Life can be full of unexpected twists, turns and
disappointments, but is there a wayto find certainty amidst the uncertainty? Today's guest has a guaranteed answer.
(00:53):
Sarah E. Frazer is a writer, Biblestudy mentor, wife and mother of five. With a background in missionary work and Bible teaching.
Sarah has a passion to encouragepeople, especially women to develop good habits around Bible reading and prayer. Her book, I Didn't Sign Up
for This (01:10):
How to Rest in God's Goodness When Your Story Shifts is all about being able to grow through whatever due to a setback, heartache
or disappointment life has thrown atyou. It's my pleasure to welcome her to believing daylight today. Sarah, thank you so much for your time.
Sarah Frazer (01:25):
Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate this.
Rodney Olsen (01:29):
We all know that life can be full of unexpected twists, turns and disappointments. So can you start off by telling me about
the seasons of your life, where youhave encountered that kind of disappointment.
Sarah Frazer (01:43):
There's been various seasons where I have just encountered different things such as postpartum depression, or grieving
the loss of a grandparent. Some ofthose things are, you don't want to say natural or normal, but they happen to a lot of people, you just
don't think sometimes that they'llhappen to you. And you're kind of thrown off. More than that. I think the one that stands out to me in my
(02:09):
life was our adoption of our firstchild, we've had two children that we adopted from China, and adopting our daughter really was a time where
I sat back in I just told God, Ididn't sign up for this. That was a time in my life where I feel like the Lord really interrupted my
(02:33):
plans, and my story,
Rodney Olsen (02:35):
I guess that comes down to us having plans and and even the Bible tells us that we have our plans, but God's going to direct
what goes on. Do you think that sooften, the disappointments that we have in our lives are because we don't expect there to be any we know
that there's going to bedisappointments, there's going to be twists, there are going to be turns. But there's something in the back of
(02:59):
our mind that expects life to runsmoothly when we actually know, it never will.
Sarah Frazer (03:04):
Yes. And I think that is where it gets really tough because for our family, we chose adoption, it was something that we
strongly believed God opened thedoor and led us down that path. And so when it became difficult, it was really hard to admit that Wow, Lord,
(03:25):
like we thought you were leading usdown this path. And we did sign up for some of these things. But there are some things we didn't feel like
we signed up for. It's really hard,I think to wrestle with that tension that we make our plans. And God seems to bless in some areas, and
(03:45):
then open the door. And then we facereally hard situations on a path that we thought he was leading on. We just kind of hit a wall sometimes
I think.
Rodney Olsen (03:57):
Tell me a bit more about the disappointments surrounding that adoption. What were the roadblocks that seem to drop in
your place when you didn't expectthem to?
Sarah Frazer (04:06):
My husband and I we were open to some special needs different various types of special needs when we adopted but there was
a couple of special needs that wejust felt like we were Ill Ill ill equipped or we just didn't think that we could handle really, we have
three biological children at thetime. They were very young. It was a lot. And then we were adding this child from this hard situation. We
(04:32):
went to China expecting a certainchild and her abilities and her disability. They weren't necessarily hidden from us. I think some of it
was lost in translation. For part ofit. We were just really naive to some of the possibilities that we could be walking into. I remember
(04:53):
being handed my daughter. I mean, Ican see it to this day. It's been eight years ago, but I can See, I can feel it. It was chilly. It was
in this little lobby of thisbuilding. And they handed her to me. And she felt so heavy. And she was two years old at the time, she only
weighed 20 pounds. She couldn't evenlift her head, her head flopped around. And her the weight of her just felt so heavy. We sat down with
(05:21):
her, my husband and I were lookingat her and feeling this joy and overwhelming happiness that we had finally had her in our arms. We
looked at each other. And we said,there's something not quite what we expected here. And we took her back to the hotel room and took all her
jackets off, she like two or threejackets on and two layers of clothes. And we just looked at her and we said, oh, man, her special
(05:46):
needs are way more severe than whatwe were expecting. When we brought her home, she couldn't walk. She couldn't talk. I don't think she had
ever had solid food. She just cried.And she would cry. And she would cry. It was so unnerving as a mother already to have this child that I
(06:06):
couldn't even soothe. And I didn'tknow how to help walking into this hole. We're now a family with a special needs daughter who probably
will struggle the rest of her life.And she does still even eight years later, her future is unknown. whether she'll live independently or
not, we just don't know yet. Butthat moment of getting this child and realizing wow, like I've entered into this world of special needs
(06:33):
parenting, and I don't think anyparent, whether you've given birth or adopted, special needs, walks in and says, Okay, I have this all
figured out, and I'm ready for this.I think we've just that overwhelmed feeling and just the disappointment that this child isn't going to look
like what I vision, like this planfor this child's life that I had, isn't necessarily going to pan out.
Rodney Olsen (07:00):
Having multiple children means that you have multiple personalities and what worked with one will not work with
another. But this is on a wholedifferent level to that isn't it, it's, it's his child that you expected to have some difficulties
and yet found out a whole lot more.And I suppose, as you're planning for your family, you're saying, you know, there's a certain level to
(07:21):
which we can cope. But what you gotwas beyond that, I suppose there would be a mix of emotion for you and your husband and the rest of the
family in we want to love this girl,she's now our daughter. And but at the same time thinking, how do we cope?
Sarah Frazer (07:38):
One of the things that I realized, it took me a while to realize honestly, was that I needed to grieve. I needed to grieve my
plans. But I also needed to grieve achild I would never have. At first I felt guilty for grieving. But I still love the child that she was,
she was my daughter. But I had togrieve this imaginary child that was no longer going to be a part of my life. And I went through a grieving
(08:07):
process a few months, maybe maybe alittle longer than that. And once I got on the other side of that grief allowed myself to feel the sadness,
to feel the disappointment, to runto God, and seek His face and pray and just share with him, my heart, I get on the other side of that. And I
realized that I can embrace now thislife with her, and I can embrace her, and I can embrace this life, it is still difficult it is we still
(08:37):
have the same challenges. Butallowing that space to grieve was so healing for my heart to be able to actually move forward.
Rodney Olsen (08:48):
I want to explore now where we direct our disappointment, as you say that you and your husband had prayed you had felt that you
were directed by God, to go aheadwith this. And I think sometimes when we feel that God is directing us in a path, and it doesn't quite
go the way that we want. There'sthis tendency to direct our disappointment, not at ourselves, not in our own decisions. But we can
(09:13):
direct that disappointment towardsGod. Did you feel any of that? Oh,
Sarah Frazer (09:17):
Yes, definitely. I struggled at the beginning, even voicing my disappointment about him, because I felt like it was showing
that maybe I didn't have faith or Ididn't trust him. But as I read through the Psalms, I did read through the Psalms that here I
realized that all of these psalmshad a wide range of emotion, a wide range of circumstances and in their disappointment. They ran to God. And
(09:46):
I read job as well. And we know thestory of Job and how he obviously had all these traumatic things happen and he was obviously
disappointed. And he ran the God inPrayer. And God does it condemned job, he says at the end of Job, Job, honored me in all of his words. And
(10:08):
it's because Job went to God inprayer. And so I began to just pour out my heart to God with disappointment. And what I realized
was that he was the perfect personto listen to my disappoint, even though I said, Lord, I'm disappointed in you. And the
situation, I realized, He's bigenough. He's big enough to handle that he understands my frame and how weak and fragile that I am. He
(10:36):
listened. And he comforted me withinthe pages of his word, definitely within the power of the Holy Spirit as well, I think that God wasn't put
off by my weakness, he wasn't putoff by my disappointment in him. And I realized that he was going to be faithful. Even though I felt like we
had been betrayed, I did feel thatfrom God a little bit that he had kind of led us down this path and then said, Well, surprise, you have
(11:05):
to deal with this. Now, I haverealized that that's not really how he works. That's not a match of his character, he doesn't betray. But he
does allow things like this to helpus grow. That's that wrestling with God. And prayer, I think is very vital.
Rodney Olsen (11:23):
As you say, there is a wrestling in prayer that we can enter into. And I wonder if much of the modern church has lost the
ability to wrestle with God overthese things, because we go to church, and we sing these very joyful songs as we should, to a
great God. And yet, we seem to havelost the part where, as you say, when you look through psalms, and these are songs that would have been
(11:47):
sung back at the time that they werewritten. And so many of them expressed disappointment with garden, and most of them resolved by
the AMA start off, Lord, you haveleft me at the at the mercy of my enemies, I feel I'm stuck. I'm in the pit. Everything's going badly.
And then, as you say, turning aroundtoward God, but not all of them resolve in that way. And yet this was seen as a perfectly legitimate
(12:13):
thing to do to be able to go to aGod, a very big God who can handle that from us. Do you think we've lost the ability to do that
sometimes these days?
Sarah Frazer (12:23):
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that. I think that the worship service at most churches is joyful, upbeat. And like you said,
there is a lot that we can givethanks, and praise God for it. And we should be giving thanks and praising God, for the things in our
life. But for those of us who aremaybe in the pit of struggling, or even Christians who are in deep, deep grief, even more grief than I
(12:51):
felt just really heart wrenchinggrief, churches kind of hard sometimes, because you feel like you're betraying God by you're not
feeling like you want to praise Him.If we would come alongside other Christian friends who we know are struggling, and just say, I'll
listen to your story. I will crywith you. I'll pray with you. And I don't have any answers for you. And that's okay. I think as we become
(13:21):
closer together as the church, thatwe have that and you know, our my husband, I we experienced that in our local church, when we brought
our daughter home, people knew atour church that we were struggling, one of the things that just touched my heart is they didn't rush us to
come back to church. And then also,they just dropped off meals, they gave us gift cards, and they offered to take our other kids to do fun
(13:48):
things. I just felt like they wereallowing us space to grieve. When we were ready to come back to church and worship and praise. They were
there that was so special for us tobe able to experience that.
Rodney Olsen (14:03):
I'm interested in that language too, about coming back to church because essentially, whilst you weren't meeting together with
the rest of the congregation, eachweekend, it's almost like the church came to you. Do you think that's a model that we should press into a
whole lot more than a church? Isthat gathering and yes, we should gather together when we can. But sometimes our heart is in a place
(14:26):
that we can't do that. But we stillneed to be open to those different expressions of church as you experience through those meals
through the the words through thetaking your kids on adventures? Yes,
Sarah Frazer (14:39):
The church is not just for Sunday morning, the church and Acts and the New Testament, they live together. They did live
together. I believe that asChristians, we should do life together. We should live and be involved in each other's lives. It's
not just about getting together oneor two days a week and then go into are separate ways and never talking. I think that what really helped us
(15:04):
have that support system during thattime was the fact that we had built it. We had built it before this happened. We had these relationships
with these people. And some of thesepeople knew my husband and I, when we first were married, so they've known us for a long time. And we did
live together, we would doactivities together, we would eat dinners, they would come over, you know, we just were in each other's
(15:30):
lives. And so it was just a naturalthing. When I say the church came and helped support it is well, it was those individuals that we had
relationships with. And I thinkthat's the key is having those relationships with other Christians outside of just Sunday morning.
Rodney Olsen (15:47):
I'm interested in the fact that you mentioned that when you started to grieve the child that you are never going to have, which
then allowed you to embrace thechild that you did have. There's this license that you give yourself to grieve and and I wonder if
sometimes, we don't give ourselveslicense to enter into places that we need to go. So there's a comparison game that people think, you know, my
(16:13):
struggles were not as big as Cirrus.So therefore, I don't have license to enter into this or that or, you know, mine was very different and
play this comparison game. Andtherefore, we don't give ourselves license to enter into things that are just natural for us like that
grieving like that questioning. Isthat something that you've thought about?
Sarah Frazer (16:33):
Yes, I have, because I did compare. And that was honestly what kept me resistant for a little while of even just grieving. Because
I thought, well, this isn't like adeath. This isn't like something horrible and traumatic. And I was comparing, I was comparing my heart
ache and my grief to other people's,the Bible doesn't do that. The Bible is very open to all kinds of grief, and all kinds of circumstances, I'll
(17:04):
go back to the Psalms. Again, itdoesn't say, well, that person is worse off than me or this person. And some of the songs are very
vague, like, like the pit. Well,that could mean a lot of things. For a lot of people. The Pit could mean depression, the pit could mean
anxiety, the pit can meanoverwhelming financial burdens, whatever it is that you feel like you can't get out of. And I think
(17:28):
the language of the Psalms reallyhelps us kind to give voice to our own sorrow. And realize that God cares for us so deeply that this big
problem, this big heartache that wehave that feels big to us, He cares about it. And I think keeping our eyes focused on that, and not
(17:51):
looking around and saying, you know,I have a friend who lost a child around the same time that we adopted our child, it was within a year or
so. And I always felt bad that Igrew had this that I was grieving, and she had this, in my mind this huge, insurmountable loss, I
(18:11):
realized that God was with both ofus, and he was giving her what she needed, and he would give me what I needed, but we would find it in him.
I think we need to keep focused onGod, and keep focused on how he is our comforter. And not compare comparing is never, never a good
(18:31):
thing.
Rodney Olsen (18:32):
You obviously decided that there was something that happened with you that helped you to overcome difficulties to move on.
And you decided I need to write thisdown. And so you wrote the book. I didn't sign up for this, how to rest in God's goodness, when your story
shifts, and your story certainlyshifted. When was it that you decided I need to write this down, I need to be able to help others with
(18:57):
the same help that I received?
Sarah Frazer (18:59):
It really happened after COVID When we all went through such a shift in our lives, everyone was affected by COVID. Everyone had
their lives shifted in some way. Andsome people have been able to go back to a semi normal thing, but no one has gone back to before COVID. I
(19:20):
watched a lot of my friends and Iwatched a lot of people really, in general struggle with this overwhelming sense of
disappointment. And we were goingthrough that as well during COVID My family and I but we kept going back to the truths that we had learned
six years prior when we brought ourdaughter home. It was just like the Lord had prepared us to be able to deal with these unexpected
(19:49):
challenges and see his goodness seeHis provision, even in the midst of this worldwide pandemic and I was talking to someone And I said, you
know, I really know what it's liketo face disappointment, and this is what I've learned. And they said, I think everybody has something in
their life that they're disappointedabout, maybe you should write a book about it. So I did. And
Rodney Olsen (20:15):
the thing is, you could have just written a book about your own experience. And that would be it. Because there's a great story
to tell how God worked. But youdived back in the scriptures to base this book on, tell me about that. Yes.
Sarah Frazer (20:30):
So I thought about the life of Moses. What drew me to Moses initially was, I was studying and I found Psalm 90, which was written by
Moses, that so intrigued me, becauseI didn't know Moses had written a Psalm, He only wrote one that he's credited for. And so I began reading
(20:51):
it. And the very first verse says,oh, Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. And I just meditated on that verse. For several
weeks, thinking about Moses, hislife, I began to think, you know, he never had an earthly home, he was adopted. And I've always been kind
(21:12):
of connected to Moses a story, allthe stories in the Bible, that center around adoption, Moses was adopted, he lived in the palace, but
then when he went to rescue thepeople at the age of 40, they rejected Him, He had to flee Egypt, he lived with the Midianites, which
were not his people, he felt like aforeigner. And then God called him to lead the people out of Egypt. And they went to the promised land, they
(21:38):
get to the entrance, and the peopledon't want to go in. And because of Moses a sin, God says, you're actually not going to get to enter
the promised land in this earthlylife. A lot of scholars believe that Psalm 90 was written at the end of his life, for him to pin the words,
Lord, You have been my dwellingplace. In all generations, he found safety, and security, and love and acceptance, and all of that in the
(22:06):
Lord. And when I look at my life,and all the twists and turns, I just want that kind of hope and that safety. So I just wanted to study
his life, and what led him to thispoint at the end of his life, for him to be able to say that.
Rodney Olsen (22:22):
And I find it very interesting that he starts off saying, Lord, You are my dwelling place. And this comes from someone
who pretty much had no set dwellingplace. And I think it's a good lesson for us to say, You know what, things change around about us. But
there's one dwelling place that iscertain there's, there's one anchor for our soul, there's, there's one place that we can go that never
(22:46):
changes, is that part of yourthinking in presenting his story in your book?
Sarah Frazer (22:52):
Yes. His story points to God. Moses, his story points us to God and His character, the underlying characteristic is that
God doesn't change. But if hedoesn't change, that means that the other characteristics about him are still true. For instance, I really
(23:12):
saw in Moses, his life to specificcharacteristics of God, shone brighter for me than the other ones, and one was God's goodness. And one
was God's sovereignty, and hascontrol over everyone's life. I was talking to a friend once and she said, you know, God's sovereignty
(23:32):
isn't really comforting to me. Andthat got me thinking, because I said, Well, if you separate God's sovereignty, and just he's in
control, it doesn't help because weknow bad things happen. But if you connect God's sovereignty to His goodness, then you know that
whatever happens, filters throughhis hands that are good. And so even though it might not feel good, but won't feel good, God says, My
(23:58):
goodness is still here. I'm stillgood. And I'm still in control. And that's the kind of God that Moses found, he found a god that was both
good and kind and loving, and a godthat was never thrown off balance, and he was in control. And nothing took him by surprise. That's the God
that Moses discovered. And that wasthe God I discovered through studying Moses. And that was such a comfort to my heart.
Rodney Olsen (24:24):
I mentioned before the comparison game that we can often play and there may be people thinking, Well, I haven't been
through what Sarah has been throughor something that significant. The question remains, who is this book aimed at? Is it only for people that
have suffered some of those deepthings that you have? Or is this going to help people across a range of areas?
Sarah Frazer (24:47):
I think it helps people across a range of areas because although I do tell our story about our adoption, and that was a
big disruption in our life. Thereare chapters that I talk about loneliness There's a chapter I talk about rejection. There's a chapter
about when we feel stuck, or in awilderness season where everything is just kind of blah. And we don't really know what our life is like.
(25:15):
So I think if you struggled withloneliness, or rejection, or just wilderness seasons, if you struggled with understanding what can I do to
grow my faith, I share a lot of justeveryday examples in from my own life and people that I know, to say, you might not have a big disruption,
(25:36):
but all of us kind of has things inour life that we're like, Well, I didn't really see my life turning out this way. And it could be small.
Sometimes those small things can bediscouraging. And so I hopefully offer some hope and encouragement for people who might just say, Well,
I'm really struggling with withthis, it feels small, but it's just wearing me down. And I think that this book really does have hope
(26:04):
laced all through it.
Rodney Olsen (26:05):
I know that the book is just recently released. But for those who have had the opportunity to read it, what's been the feedback
so far?
Sarah Frazer (26:13):
A lot of people have said that they love how I tell the story of Moses, and how I weave it in and with my own story. A lot of
people have mentioned similar thingslike they love that it has a lot of Scripture, and it has a lot of Scripture that you read through it.
One lady did tell me that she reallyappreciated that that was I talked about sort of what I said normal things like anxiety, depression,
(26:39):
loneliness, rejection, those thingsthat are really common because she felt like most of these books that she's read, they have one big story.
But these were just all littlestories, and she really resonated with that.
Rodney Olsen (26:53):
It sounds like it's something that is going to touch many, many lives. If people are wanting to get hold of the book, or
to be in touch with you, where's theeasiest place to find you and the book?
Sarah Frazer (27:06):
Two different websites. You can go to Sarahefrazer.com, Sarah with an H E and then fra zer. Or you could go to
just Ididntsignup.com and that willtake you to all about the book and you'll can read about me, and it's just one word Ididntsignup.com
Rodney Olsen (27:29):
I will add the connections in the show notes of bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find that very easily. Sarah, I
want to say thank you for writingthis book. I know it's going to be a help for a lot of people. Thank you for being so open with your story
and sharing that again. I knowthat's gonna make a big difference for many people. And thank you for your time on Bleeding daylight
(27:51):
today.
Sarah Frazer (27:52):
Thank you so much for having me. This was a such a joy.
Emily Olsen (27:57):
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight. Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode
with others. For further details andmore episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net
Wherever there are shadows, there are people ready to kick out the darkness until it bleeds daylight. This is Bleeding
Daylight with your host RodneyOlsen.
Rodney Olsen (00:19):
Welcome. I'm sure you're going to enjoy this episode of Bleeding Daylight, and please remember that there are many more
episodes at bleedingdaylight.net.That's also where you'll find our social media links. Life can be full of unexpected twists, turns and
disappointments, but is there a wayto find certainty amidst the uncertainty? Today's guest has a guaranteed answer.
(00:53):
Sarah E. Frazer is a writer, Biblestudy mentor, wife and mother of five. With a background in missionary work and Bible teaching.
Sarah has a passion to encouragepeople, especially women to develop good habits around Bible reading and prayer. Her book, I Didn't Sign Up
for This (01:10):
How to Rest in God's Goodness When Your Story Shifts is all about being able to grow through whatever due to a setback, heartache
or disappointment life has thrown atyou. It's my pleasure to welcome her to believing daylight today. Sarah, thank you so much for your time.
Sarah Frazer (01:25):
Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate this.
Rodney Olsen (01:29):
We all know that life can be full of unexpected twists, turns and disappointments. So can you start off by telling me about
the seasons of your life, where youhave encountered that kind of disappointment.
Sarah Frazer (01:43):
There's been various seasons where I have just encountered different things such as postpartum depression, or grieving
the loss of a grandparent. Some ofthose things are, you don't want to say natural or normal, but they happen to a lot of people, you just
don't think sometimes that they'llhappen to you. And you're kind of thrown off. More than that. I think the one that stands out to me in my
(02:09):
life was our adoption of our firstchild, we've had two children that we adopted from China, and adopting our daughter really was a time where
I sat back in I just told God, Ididn't sign up for this. That was a time in my life where I feel like the Lord really interrupted my
(02:33):
plans, and my story,
Rodney Olsen (02:35):
I guess that comes down to us having plans and and even the Bible tells us that we have our plans, but God's going to direct
what goes on. Do you think that sooften, the disappointments that we have in our lives are because we don't expect there to be any we know
that there's going to bedisappointments, there's going to be twists, there are going to be turns. But there's something in the back of
(02:59):
our mind that expects life to runsmoothly when we actually know, it never will.
Sarah Frazer (03:04):
Yes. And I think that is where it gets really tough because for our family, we chose adoption, it was something that we
strongly believed God opened thedoor and led us down that path. And so when it became difficult, it was really hard to admit that Wow, Lord,
(03:25):
like we thought you were leading usdown this path. And we did sign up for some of these things. But there are some things we didn't feel like
we signed up for. It's really hard,I think to wrestle with that tension that we make our plans. And God seems to bless in some areas, and
(03:45):
then open the door. And then we facereally hard situations on a path that we thought he was leading on. We just kind of hit a wall sometimes
I think.
Rodney Olsen (03:57):
Tell me a bit more about the disappointments surrounding that adoption. What were the roadblocks that seem to drop in
your place when you didn't expectthem to?
Sarah Frazer (04:06):
My husband and I we were open to some special needs different various types of special needs when we adopted but there was
a couple of special needs that wejust felt like we were Ill Ill ill equipped or we just didn't think that we could handle really, we have
three biological children at thetime. They were very young. It was a lot. And then we were adding this child from this hard situation. We
(04:32):
went to China expecting a certainchild and her abilities and her disability. They weren't necessarily hidden from us. I think some of it
was lost in translation. For part ofit. We were just really naive to some of the possibilities that we could be walking into. I remember
(04:53):
being handed my daughter. I mean, Ican see it to this day. It's been eight years ago, but I can See, I can feel it. It was chilly. It was
in this little lobby of thisbuilding. And they handed her to me. And she felt so heavy. And she was two years old at the time, she only
weighed 20 pounds. She couldn't evenlift her head, her head flopped around. And her the weight of her just felt so heavy. We sat down with
(05:21):
her, my husband and I were lookingat her and feeling this joy and overwhelming happiness that we had finally had her in our arms. We
looked at each other. And we said,there's something not quite what we expected here. And we took her back to the hotel room and took all her
jackets off, she like two or threejackets on and two layers of clothes. And we just looked at her and we said, oh, man, her special
(05:46):
needs are way more severe than whatwe were expecting. When we brought her home, she couldn't walk. She couldn't talk. I don't think she had
ever had solid food. She just cried.And she would cry. And she would cry. It was so unnerving as a mother already to have this child that I
(06:06):
couldn't even soothe. And I didn'tknow how to help walking into this hole. We're now a family with a special needs daughter who probably
will struggle the rest of her life.And she does still even eight years later, her future is unknown. whether she'll live independently or
not, we just don't know yet. Butthat moment of getting this child and realizing wow, like I've entered into this world of special needs
(06:33):
parenting, and I don't think anyparent, whether you've given birth or adopted, special needs, walks in and says, Okay, I have this all
figured out, and I'm ready for this.I think we've just that overwhelmed feeling and just the disappointment that this child isn't going to look
like what I vision, like this planfor this child's life that I had, isn't necessarily going to pan out.
Rodney Olsen (07:00):
Having multiple children means that you have multiple personalities and what worked with one will not work with
another. But this is on a wholedifferent level to that isn't it, it's, it's his child that you expected to have some difficulties
and yet found out a whole lot more.And I suppose, as you're planning for your family, you're saying, you know, there's a certain level to
(07:21):
which we can cope. But what you gotwas beyond that, I suppose there would be a mix of emotion for you and your husband and the rest of the
family in we want to love this girl,she's now our daughter. And but at the same time thinking, how do we cope?
Sarah Frazer (07:38):
One of the things that I realized, it took me a while to realize honestly, was that I needed to grieve. I needed to grieve my
plans. But I also needed to grieve achild I would never have. At first I felt guilty for grieving. But I still love the child that she was,
she was my daughter. But I had togrieve this imaginary child that was no longer going to be a part of my life. And I went through a grieving
(08:07):
process a few months, maybe maybe alittle longer than that. And once I got on the other side of that grief allowed myself to feel the sadness,
to feel the disappointment, to runto God, and seek His face and pray and just share with him, my heart, I get on the other side of that. And I
realized that I can embrace now thislife with her, and I can embrace her, and I can embrace this life, it is still difficult it is we still
(08:37):
have the same challenges. Butallowing that space to grieve was so healing for my heart to be able to actually move forward.
Rodney Olsen (08:48):
I want to explore now where we direct our disappointment, as you say that you and your husband had prayed you had felt that you
were directed by God, to go aheadwith this. And I think sometimes when we feel that God is directing us in a path, and it doesn't quite
go the way that we want. There'sthis tendency to direct our disappointment, not at ourselves, not in our own decisions. But we can
(09:13):
direct that disappointment towardsGod. Did you feel any of that? Oh,
Sarah Frazer (09:17):
Yes, definitely. I struggled at the beginning, even voicing my disappointment about him, because I felt like it was showing
that maybe I didn't have faith or Ididn't trust him. But as I read through the Psalms, I did read through the Psalms that here I
realized that all of these psalmshad a wide range of emotion, a wide range of circumstances and in their disappointment. They ran to God. And
(09:46):
I read job as well. And we know thestory of Job and how he obviously had all these traumatic things happen and he was obviously
disappointed. And he ran the God inPrayer. And God does it condemned job, he says at the end of Job, Job, honored me in all of his words. And
(10:08):
it's because Job went to God inprayer. And so I began to just pour out my heart to God with disappointment. And what I realized
was that he was the perfect personto listen to my disappoint, even though I said, Lord, I'm disappointed in you. And the
situation, I realized, He's bigenough. He's big enough to handle that he understands my frame and how weak and fragile that I am. He
(10:36):
listened. And he comforted me withinthe pages of his word, definitely within the power of the Holy Spirit as well, I think that God wasn't put
off by my weakness, he wasn't putoff by my disappointment in him. And I realized that he was going to be faithful. Even though I felt like we
had been betrayed, I did feel thatfrom God a little bit that he had kind of led us down this path and then said, Well, surprise, you have
(11:05):
to deal with this. Now, I haverealized that that's not really how he works. That's not a match of his character, he doesn't betray. But he
does allow things like this to helpus grow. That's that wrestling with God. And prayer, I think is very vital.
Rodney Olsen (11:23):
As you say, there is a wrestling in prayer that we can enter into. And I wonder if much of the modern church has lost the
ability to wrestle with God overthese things, because we go to church, and we sing these very joyful songs as we should, to a
great God. And yet, we seem to havelost the part where, as you say, when you look through psalms, and these are songs that would have been
(11:47):
sung back at the time that they werewritten. And so many of them expressed disappointment with garden, and most of them resolved by
the AMA start off, Lord, you haveleft me at the at the mercy of my enemies, I feel I'm stuck. I'm in the pit. Everything's going badly.
And then, as you say, turning aroundtoward God, but not all of them resolve in that way. And yet this was seen as a perfectly legitimate
(12:13):
thing to do to be able to go to aGod, a very big God who can handle that from us. Do you think we've lost the ability to do that
sometimes these days?
Sarah Frazer (12:23):
Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that. I think that the worship service at most churches is joyful, upbeat. And like you said,
there is a lot that we can givethanks, and praise God for it. And we should be giving thanks and praising God, for the things in our
life. But for those of us who aremaybe in the pit of struggling, or even Christians who are in deep, deep grief, even more grief than I
(12:51):
felt just really heart wrenchinggrief, churches kind of hard sometimes, because you feel like you're betraying God by you're not
feeling like you want to praise Him.If we would come alongside other Christian friends who we know are struggling, and just say, I'll
listen to your story. I will crywith you. I'll pray with you. And I don't have any answers for you. And that's okay. I think as we become
(13:21):
closer together as the church, thatwe have that and you know, our my husband, I we experienced that in our local church, when we brought
our daughter home, people knew atour church that we were struggling, one of the things that just touched my heart is they didn't rush us to
come back to church. And then also,they just dropped off meals, they gave us gift cards, and they offered to take our other kids to do fun
(13:48):
things. I just felt like they wereallowing us space to grieve. When we were ready to come back to church and worship and praise. They were
there that was so special for us tobe able to experience that.
Rodney Olsen (14:03):
I'm interested in that language too, about coming back to church because essentially, whilst you weren't meeting together with
the rest of the congregation, eachweekend, it's almost like the church came to you. Do you think that's a model that we should press into a
whole lot more than a church? Isthat gathering and yes, we should gather together when we can. But sometimes our heart is in a place
(14:26):
that we can't do that. But we stillneed to be open to those different expressions of church as you experience through those meals
through the the words through thetaking your kids on adventures? Yes,
Sarah Frazer (14:39):
The church is not just for Sunday morning, the church and Acts and the New Testament, they live together. They did live
together. I believe that asChristians, we should do life together. We should live and be involved in each other's lives. It's
not just about getting together oneor two days a week and then go into are separate ways and never talking. I think that what really helped us
(15:04):
have that support system during thattime was the fact that we had built it. We had built it before this happened. We had these relationships
with these people. And some of thesepeople knew my husband and I, when we first were married, so they've known us for a long time. And we did
live together, we would doactivities together, we would eat dinners, they would come over, you know, we just were in each other's
(15:30):
lives. And so it was just a naturalthing. When I say the church came and helped support it is well, it was those individuals that we had
relationships with. And I thinkthat's the key is having those relationships with other Christians outside of just Sunday morning.
Rodney Olsen (15:47):
I'm interested in the fact that you mentioned that when you started to grieve the child that you are never going to have, which
then allowed you to embrace thechild that you did have. There's this license that you give yourself to grieve and and I wonder if
sometimes, we don't give ourselveslicense to enter into places that we need to go. So there's a comparison game that people think, you know, my
(16:13):
struggles were not as big as Cirrus.So therefore, I don't have license to enter into this or that or, you know, mine was very different and
play this comparison game. Andtherefore, we don't give ourselves license to enter into things that are just natural for us like that
grieving like that questioning. Isthat something that you've thought about?
Sarah Frazer (16:33):
Yes, I have, because I did compare. And that was honestly what kept me resistant for a little while of even just grieving. Because
I thought, well, this isn't like adeath. This isn't like something horrible and traumatic. And I was comparing, I was comparing my heart
ache and my grief to other people's,the Bible doesn't do that. The Bible is very open to all kinds of grief, and all kinds of circumstances, I'll
(17:04):
go back to the Psalms. Again, itdoesn't say, well, that person is worse off than me or this person. And some of the songs are very
vague, like, like the pit. Well,that could mean a lot of things. For a lot of people. The Pit could mean depression, the pit could mean
anxiety, the pit can meanoverwhelming financial burdens, whatever it is that you feel like you can't get out of. And I think
(17:28):
the language of the Psalms reallyhelps us kind to give voice to our own sorrow. And realize that God cares for us so deeply that this big
problem, this big heartache that wehave that feels big to us, He cares about it. And I think keeping our eyes focused on that, and not
(17:51):
looking around and saying, you know,I have a friend who lost a child around the same time that we adopted our child, it was within a year or
so. And I always felt bad that Igrew had this that I was grieving, and she had this, in my mind this huge, insurmountable loss, I
(18:11):
realized that God was with both ofus, and he was giving her what she needed, and he would give me what I needed, but we would find it in him.
I think we need to keep focused onGod, and keep focused on how he is our comforter. And not compare comparing is never, never a good
(18:31):
thing.
Rodney Olsen (18:32):
You obviously decided that there was something that happened with you that helped you to overcome difficulties to move on.
And you decided I need to write thisdown. And so you wrote the book. I didn't sign up for this, how to rest in God's goodness, when your story
shifts, and your story certainlyshifted. When was it that you decided I need to write this down, I need to be able to help others with
(18:57):
the same help that I received?
Sarah Frazer (18:59):
It really happened after COVID When we all went through such a shift in our lives, everyone was affected by COVID. Everyone had
their lives shifted in some way. Andsome people have been able to go back to a semi normal thing, but no one has gone back to before COVID. I
(19:20):
watched a lot of my friends and Iwatched a lot of people really, in general struggle with this overwhelming sense of
disappointment. And we were goingthrough that as well during COVID My family and I but we kept going back to the truths that we had learned
six years prior when we brought ourdaughter home. It was just like the Lord had prepared us to be able to deal with these unexpected
(19:49):
challenges and see his goodness seeHis provision, even in the midst of this worldwide pandemic and I was talking to someone And I said, you
know, I really know what it's liketo face disappointment, and this is what I've learned. And they said, I think everybody has something in
their life that they're disappointedabout, maybe you should write a book about it. So I did. And
Rodney Olsen (20:15):
the thing is, you could have just written a book about your own experience. And that would be it. Because there's a great story
to tell how God worked. But youdived back in the scriptures to base this book on, tell me about that. Yes.
Sarah Frazer (20:30):
So I thought about the life of Moses. What drew me to Moses initially was, I was studying and I found Psalm 90, which was written by
Moses, that so intrigued me, becauseI didn't know Moses had written a Psalm, He only wrote one that he's credited for. And so I began reading
(20:51):
it. And the very first verse says,oh, Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. And I just meditated on that verse. For several
weeks, thinking about Moses, hislife, I began to think, you know, he never had an earthly home, he was adopted. And I've always been kind
(21:12):
of connected to Moses a story, allthe stories in the Bible, that center around adoption, Moses was adopted, he lived in the palace, but
then when he went to rescue thepeople at the age of 40, they rejected Him, He had to flee Egypt, he lived with the Midianites, which
were not his people, he felt like aforeigner. And then God called him to lead the people out of Egypt. And they went to the promised land, they
(21:38):
get to the entrance, and the peopledon't want to go in. And because of Moses a sin, God says, you're actually not going to get to enter
the promised land in this earthlylife. A lot of scholars believe that Psalm 90 was written at the end of his life, for him to pin the words,
Lord, You have been my dwellingplace. In all generations, he found safety, and security, and love and acceptance, and all of that in the
(22:06):
Lord. And when I look at my life,and all the twists and turns, I just want that kind of hope and that safety. So I just wanted to study
his life, and what led him to thispoint at the end of his life, for him to be able to say that.
Rodney Olsen (22:22):
And I find it very interesting that he starts off saying, Lord, You are my dwelling place. And this comes from someone
who pretty much had no set dwellingplace. And I think it's a good lesson for us to say, You know what, things change around about us. But
there's one dwelling place that iscertain there's, there's one anchor for our soul, there's, there's one place that we can go that never
(22:46):
changes, is that part of yourthinking in presenting his story in your book?
Sarah Frazer (22:52):
Yes. His story points to God. Moses, his story points us to God and His character, the underlying characteristic is that
God doesn't change. But if hedoesn't change, that means that the other characteristics about him are still true. For instance, I really
(23:12):
saw in Moses, his life to specificcharacteristics of God, shone brighter for me than the other ones, and one was God's goodness. And one
was God's sovereignty, and hascontrol over everyone's life. I was talking to a friend once and she said, you know, God's sovereignty
(23:32):
isn't really comforting to me. Andthat got me thinking, because I said, Well, if you separate God's sovereignty, and just he's in
control, it doesn't help because weknow bad things happen. But if you connect God's sovereignty to His goodness, then you know that
whatever happens, filters throughhis hands that are good. And so even though it might not feel good, but won't feel good, God says, My
(23:58):
goodness is still here. I'm stillgood. And I'm still in control. And that's the kind of God that Moses found, he found a god that was both
good and kind and loving, and a godthat was never thrown off balance, and he was in control. And nothing took him by surprise. That's the God
that Moses discovered. And that wasthe God I discovered through studying Moses. And that was such a comfort to my heart.
Rodney Olsen (24:24):
I mentioned before the comparison game that we can often play and there may be people thinking, Well, I haven't been
through what Sarah has been throughor something that significant. The question remains, who is this book aimed at? Is it only for people that
have suffered some of those deepthings that you have? Or is this going to help people across a range of areas?
Sarah Frazer (24:47):
I think it helps people across a range of areas because although I do tell our story about our adoption, and that was a
big disruption in our life. Thereare chapters that I talk about loneliness There's a chapter I talk about rejection. There's a chapter
about when we feel stuck, or in awilderness season where everything is just kind of blah. And we don't really know what our life is like.
(25:15):
So I think if you struggled withloneliness, or rejection, or just wilderness seasons, if you struggled with understanding what can I do to
grow my faith, I share a lot of justeveryday examples in from my own life and people that I know, to say, you might not have a big disruption,
(25:36):
but all of us kind of has things inour life that we're like, Well, I didn't really see my life turning out this way. And it could be small.
Sometimes those small things can bediscouraging. And so I hopefully offer some hope and encouragement for people who might just say, Well,
I'm really struggling with withthis, it feels small, but it's just wearing me down. And I think that this book really does have hope
(26:04):
laced all through it.
Rodney Olsen (26:05):
I know that the book is just recently released. But for those who have had the opportunity to read it, what's been the feedback
so far?
Sarah Frazer (26:13):
A lot of people have said that they love how I tell the story of Moses, and how I weave it in and with my own story. A lot of
people have mentioned similar thingslike they love that it has a lot of Scripture, and it has a lot of Scripture that you read through it.
One lady did tell me that she reallyappreciated that that was I talked about sort of what I said normal things like anxiety, depression,
(26:39):
loneliness, rejection, those thingsthat are really common because she felt like most of these books that she's read, they have one big story.
But these were just all littlestories, and she really resonated with that.
Rodney Olsen (26:53):
It sounds like it's something that is going to touch many, many lives. If people are wanting to get hold of the book, or
to be in touch with you, where's theeasiest place to find you and the book?
Sarah Frazer (27:06):
Two different websites. You can go to Sarahefrazer.com, Sarah with an H E and then fra zer. Or you could go to
just Ididntsignup.com and that willtake you to all about the book and you'll can read about me, and it's just one word Ididntsignup.com
Rodney Olsen (27:29):
I will add the connections in the show notes of bleedingdaylight.net so that people can find that very easily. Sarah, I
want to say thank you for writingthis book. I know it's going to be a help for a lot of people. Thank you for being so open with your story
and sharing that again. I knowthat's gonna make a big difference for many people. And thank you for your time on Bleeding daylight
(27:51):
today.
Sarah Frazer (27:52):
Thank you so much for having me. This was a such a joy.
Emily Olsen (27:57):
Thank you for listening to Bleeding Daylight. Please help us to shine more light into the darkness by sharing this episode
with others. For further details andmore episodes, please visit bleedingdaylight.net
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