August 31, 2023 • 46 mins
Send me a text and let me know what you thought of this episode!
Motherhood can be a rollercoaster – moments of joy intertwined with instances of self-doubt, guilt, and pressure. We've all been there, right? Grab your tea and cozy up - let's talk about it. In this heart-to-heart episode of All Our Little Messes, we're challenging the cookie-cutter image of 'perfect mom' and embracing the beautiful mess that motherhood can sometimes be.
Ever felt like you're wearing too many hats? As a mom, a wife, an employee - the expectations can often feel overwhelming. Let's not forget our own wellbeing amidst this juggling act. We delve into the struggles of breastfeeding, particularly my personal journey with nursing a baby born with severe oral ties. The guilt, the judgment, the pressure - we lay it all bare. But remember this - it's okay to prioritize yourself. It's okay to choose mental health over societal norms.
In our candid chat, we also tear down the myths around motherhood - breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, sleep training, and the dreaded parenting decisions. There's no rulebook to this, no 'right' way of being a mom. The only right way is your way. So tune in as we shatter the notion of 'supermom' and embrace the real, messy, wonderful journey of motherhood. Because perfection is overrated, isn't it?
If you like this show and believe in its message, please consider supporting our Patreon. For as little as $3/month, get access to behind the scenes content, early access to podcast episodes and more!
Send any questions or comments to allourlittlemesses@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you guys!
Subscribe to the newsletter here to get periodic updates on blog posts and more!
Buy Me a Coffee!
If you liked this episode, consider buying me a coffee! It'll help keep me awake during late night editing sessions. Thank you!
Follow me on Instagram and Facebook for behind the scenes content and everyday posts about parenting and marriage.
Sounds from Zapsplat.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hello and welcome to All Our Little Messes, a podcast
focused on healing throughintentional conversations about
parenting, relationships,religion and more.
I am your host, veronica Winrod, and I'm so happy to have you
here listening in on my thoughtstoday.
I hope you enjoy this episode.
Hello and welcome back to AllOur Little Messes.
(00:32):
This is episode number six and Iam kind of recording this in a
really weird mood, like it'sbeen a very strange day.
You guys and I honestly forgotthat I was going to record this
episode today until 10.45 atnight.
(00:53):
So I am sitting here with mytea now getting ready to record
this, and I actually had anentirely different subject
matter for you guys this week,until I was actually having a
conversation with my husbandearlier today and we were
talking about me dyeing my hair,which is like it's something
(01:15):
that he's been wanting me to dofor a while now and just putting
it off, because the thought ofdyeing my hair one color just
terrifies me.
So I'd always compromise bylike highlighting it or putting
low lights, and he's really intored hair, so he wants me to dye
my hair red.
Crazy, I know, but here we areand we were talking about me
(01:39):
dyeing my hair and I realizedthat I have not had a haircut
like an actual legitimatehaircut in over 10 months.
And my kids have had haircuts.
Either I gave them haircuts orwe went and got them haircuts.
(02:02):
They have had haircuts aboutonce every two months or so.
Their hair grows really fast,so about every six weeks to two
months they get a haircut.
And it kind of led me on thiswhole thought process today
about how we as mothers putaside our own our own needs, to
(02:29):
the detriment of our own health,for the needs of everyone else
in our family.
And while I feel like some ofthat is something that is like
hardwired into us and aatelyhardwired into us is just
something that we naturallysacrificially do as mothers, a
(02:49):
lot of that, I feel, is alsosociety's expectations that we
come off or perform this imageof perfect motherhood, like you
know, the motherhood that yousee depicted on social media,
right, and that is just aridiculous standard.
(03:14):
And then when you throw into itnot only you know the standards
we have on social media to belike this perfect mom with the
perfect house or whatever right,you also throw in what a lot of
evangelical Christians andtraditional Catholics go through
(03:36):
right, where we have to fulfillthis image of super mom.
You know the mom that smilesand says oh, yes, yes.
When she walks into thesupermarket or grocery store and
someone says, my, you've gotyour hands full, like, the
automatic response is yes, yes,there's such a blessing and you
like big smiles, which, yes,children are such blessing.
(03:58):
But it seems like we have this.
There's always this pressureright to come off as super mom.
You've totally got it undercontrol, nothing's wrong.
I definitely ate breakfast thismorning, my house is perfect
and I definitely showered withinthe last two days.
Like there's just this, thisexpectation in this image that
(04:22):
we have to, we have to live upto, we have to uphold, otherwise
we are seen as less thancompetent, we are seen as the
hot mess mom.
We are just not a good mom andthat's.
That's kind of messed up.
I mean I shouldn't be puttingoff getting my own haircut or
(04:46):
putting off or like rescheduled.
For instance, I rescheduled myprenatals, my prenatal
appointment, because my sons hadthis gathering to go to and the
oldest one had really beenlooking forward to it, and so I
was like, okay, so I'll justreschedule my prenatal
(05:07):
appointment.
So I'm like rescheduling my owndoctor's appointments so that
my kids can go to a party, andlike I was feeling guilty over
the thought of me notrescheduling that appointment
and I shouldn't feel guilty overthat.
(05:31):
Like this is a legitimatemedical reason for me to go to
the doctor.
Okay, but I'm feeling guiltyover going to the doctor because
my son's going to miss a partyand like part of it might be my
upbringing, part of it could bemy personality, but a lot of it
(05:52):
really does have to do with this, this expectation that society
has put on mothers of being theperfect mom and having
everything together, and so thatis something that I wanted to
talk to you guys about today andkind of just put forward a
couple of ideas that I've had tokind of fight against that
(06:17):
mentality, because it needs tochange for us All, right guys.
So before we get into this, Iwanted to put out a little bit
of a disclaimer.
Like I said earlier, I am in alittle bit of a weird mood, so
you might see a very sarcasticside of my personality come out
today.
So, yeah, just full disclosure.
(06:40):
So I wanted to start off bytalking about what I mentioned
earlier, like this very highexpectation of being super mom
who totally has it together,before you've even been able to
understand what being a mom isNow.
(07:01):
For me, that started basicallywhen I was in the hospital right
after I'd given birth to myfirst child.
So I am in the hospital rightand I have this tiny little
newborn and I am exhausted.
I was in labor for eight hoursand I pushed for two of those
(07:24):
hours and so I was just.
I was exhausted and I justwanted to sleep.
My husband was exhausted, hejust wanted to sleep, and I gave
birth in a very remote hospital.
It was a very small hospital inAlaska, in rural Alaska, and so
, like, the care that youreceive in those kind of
(07:45):
hospitals is very different fromthe care that you're going to
receive in what we call downsouth.
We called it down south, so inthe lower 48, it's very
different and, especially formoms, like the experience I
didn't have at the time I didn'thave anything to compare it to,
(08:05):
but now that I do, now thatI've had another child, like
looking back, it was not a goodexperience and a lot of it had
to do with the nurses and thedoctor, without.
I mean, it was probably just asubconscious thing.
(08:28):
They probably don't evenrealize they're doing this.
But it's this expectation thatI know already how to care for
this child.
And, like I said, I wasexhausted, my husband was
exhausted.
We just wanted to sleep.
I was so tired and I couldn't.
(08:52):
But I couldn't put the babydown.
Like every time I tried to putthe baby down, the baby would
cry, and so I'd be holding thebaby and I would start falling
asleep in the bed, right,because I was so tired but I
couldn't put the baby down.
And so in every single time I'dfall asleep, boom, there'd be a
nurse inside of my room, likeyelling at me for falling asleep
(09:17):
with my baby in my arms, and soshe would take the baby and she
put the baby back in thebassinet and I was like first
time mom, I didn't know how tostand up for myself.
I didn't know how to say, hey,no, this is my child, this is my
birth experience.
I didn't know how to takeownership of it.
So I just kind of went alongwith everything and they kind of
(09:41):
just expected me to know how tocalm this baby down.
And I did not know how to calmthis baby down and like I would
have nurses come in and be like,oh well, why didn't you try
this, why didn't you try that?
And it's like at the time I wasjust like, oh, I didn't think
(10:07):
of it, I guess Okay.
And now I'm just like I didn'ttry that or this because I
didn't know I needed to.
You're already putting thisunfair expectation of perfection
on me when I have been a momfor less than 24 hours, like I
(10:29):
don't even know how tobreastfeed my child.
That's a whole nother.
That's a whole nother topic.
There was my breastfeedingjourney with my first child was
just an absolute nightmare, andit also is just a perfect
example of this attitude thatsociety has, that moms have to
(10:49):
have it together, moms have tohave to be perfect, and it
starts in the hospital.
It's ridiculous.
Like we don't have it together,we don't know what we're doing.
Brotherhood is a learned skill,but society does not give us
the space or grace to do that.
We can't, we're, we don't learn.
(11:11):
We're never given the space tolearn how to be a mom.
And so we come out of thehospital and already there's
this like this huge expectationof you have to have it all
together, you have to know whatto do and when something pops up
with your baby or your newborn.
I have heard this story over andover and over again.
(11:33):
I actually just received anemail from a mom last week about
the.
She told me that her story,because of what Danica and I had
talked about in episode five,where we talked about building a
village, and I kind of goneinto my birth story a little bit
and like what had happenedafterwards, and she emailed me
and she told me what happenedand like if anything happens
(12:00):
after we give birth, we are madeto feel like we have somehow
failed, we didn't try hardenough, we didn't think of
things enough, and so like itwas so incredibly crushing for
me as a new mom because I alwaysfelt like I was a bad mother
(12:25):
and that I was never going tofigure it out.
And you know, if only I coulddo this or if only I could do
that, then I would be a good mom, then I would be, you know,
good enough for my son, and itjust put me into this horrible,
horrible cycle of just crushingdefeat all the time because I
(12:49):
could never live up to theirexpectations Like, for example,
my son.
My first child had very severeoral ties and so, as a result,
he couldn't.
I breastfed both of mine kindof off and on, especially my
first.
But my first had very bad oralties and as a result he couldn't
(13:12):
nurse very well because hecouldn't move.
He literally couldn't move histongue at all, so like when he
would cry and his mouth wouldopen, his tongue would be in the
shape of a square because itwas so rooted to the bottom of
his mouth, like he had.
He had cheek ties, he had lipties, he had tongue ties in the
(13:34):
back and in the front, like itwas.
It was all a mess.
And I remember in the hospitalthe pediatrician came in to
check on him a couple hoursafter he was born and, like,
dylan immediately started cryingand the doctor was like, oh, it
looks like he has a little bitof a tongue tie.
And as a first time mom I hadno idea what that meant.
(13:57):
I didn't know what the possiblerepercussions of that would be,
I didn't know how to process itinformation.
So I was like, oh, okay, so hejust has a tongue tie, big deal,
whatever, moving on.
And because that's what thedoctor had done, he just like,
oh, okay, whatever, he has atongue tie and he moved on.
He didn't address it anymore.
He didn't talk about it, and soI had like, from that point on,
(14:20):
like I struggled because hewouldn't latch, because he
couldn't latch, because histongue wouldn't move and so he
had problems with weight gain.
As a result, and Because he hadproblems with weight gain, I
like they were always asking mehow often are you nursing him?
(14:40):
And like that, always it made memad when they'd asked me that
question honestly, because itwhen I was in the hospital, the
I, the nurses, had given me veryconflicting information.
I had one nurse tell me that Ionly had to feed the baby every
five hours, and that seemed likereally Crazy to me, like seemed
(15:03):
like a really long time for atiny little baby that only
survives off of milk.
I had one nurse tell me thatthe baby needed to eat every
hour and then I had my momtelling me every two to three
hours.
So, like I had all thisconflicting information my mom
had had at that point, she'd hadlike 13 kids, 12, 13 kids, and
I was just like you know what mymom said 12, 13 kids.
(15:26):
She's breastfed them all.
You know.
I'm gonna kind of just takethat.
So I was.
I was setting timers From thestart of the feed to the start
of the next feed, and I wasfeeding him every two hours.
So I like had all of thisinformation in an app in my
phone, like how much he ate, howlong he would eat for, how
(15:49):
often he was pooping, how oftenhe was peeing the time between
diaper changes, like the wholebit.
I was recording Everything.
And every time I go into thedoctor they'd be like how often
are you feeding him?
Or I don't think you're feedinghim often enough.
He's obviously not gettingenough to eat because he's not
gaining weight.
(16:10):
And so then they started.
They wanted me to supplementformula and we tried like eight
or nine different formulas.
I was getting formula from thedoctor, I was getting from the
different stores, I was gettingit shipped in like I Was trying
everything and my son hated themall.
So my next step was to buy abest pump and I was pumping on
(16:34):
top of nursing and that kind ofjust became my life.
I was just Grounded to thecouch and I was either pumping
or nursing, 24-7 like that.
That became my life, thatbecame the sole purpose of my
life.
And and he still wasn't gainingweight.
(16:55):
And so I brought up one time toOne of the doctors that was
working there, our little clinic, and I was.
I asked him I was like, hey,like I had a doctor in the
hospital tell me he has a tonguetie, do you think that's it?
And he's like, oh no, no, thatdefinitely wouldn't affect the
effect what's going on.
(17:15):
And, and this doctor was alwayspushing for like blood draws
and things like that, and IFinally I was able to get his
primary caregiver to take a lookand she took a look.
She's like, oh yeah, he doeshave one.
And so they.
They didn't have any ENTs oranybody in office there, because
(17:36):
, again, this is rural Alaska,this is a tiny little clinic,
and I mean it was in a town of700 people, 750 people,
something like that.
So they had somebody come in.
They clipped the tie because hewas still only like a month and
a half, two months, old at thispoint, and it got better, but
(17:57):
it still wasn't fixed, like hestill wasn't gaining enough
weight.
And so finally, after the pointwhere one of the doctors there
Told me he had failure to thrive, in that they were, they wanted
to do a bunch of blood work tosee if there was something else.
That was wrong.
And so they Did a bunch ofblood work and he had he had
(18:20):
like elevated liver enzymes,which, with knowing what I know
now, an elevated liver enzymesin a baby is.
It really means nothing becausethey have nothing to, they have
no skill to compare it to.
From what I understand I wastalking to another doctor and I
guess they have nothing tocompare no, no scale to compare
(18:40):
liver enzymes in an infant too.
So when you Do a blood draw ina baby and it says that they
have elevated liver enzymes,that scale is compared to an
adult and it's actually fairlycommon for babies to have
elevated liver enzymes in theirblood.
But this doctor like freaked outimmediately and like started
(19:03):
throwing things around likeliver cancer, liver disease, and
I Was just like whoa, that's,that's crazy.
And I I made the mistake oftelling him I wanted a second
opinion and that really reallymade him mad and he was actually
(19:23):
one of the first people to ever, kind of offhandedly, accuse me
of being a bad mom because Ididn't immediately take his
advice and I wanted, I wanted asecond opinion Because he was
throwing things around like no,liver cancer, liver disease, and
he wanted to Minovacus up tothe hospital, and so I.
(19:43):
We ultimately decided to fly upto the hospital in in Alaska,
the hospital that that wasclosest associated with this
clinic.
We flew up there and for thenext five days they did so.
They did one blood draw thefirst day.
We were there for five days andfor five days all they did was
have me feed him on a scheduleand then weigh his diapers
(20:06):
afterwards.
For five days, and it was soexhausting mentally because I
was constantly hearing frompeople you're not feeding him
enough.
He's obviously not gettingenough.
There's something wrong withyou.
What are you doing?
You need to fix this.
You need to fix that.
I had one doctor.
I had a doctor that I actuallyfired because she came in and
(20:34):
told me that I was ignoringdoctors advice, even though I
was doing everything they toldme to do.
I was ignoring doctors advice,obviously because my son wasn't
getting better and I got so mad.
Another nurse came in and Itold the nurse to get that
doctor out of here and I neverwant to see her again.
(20:55):
And so they had another doctorcome in a couple hours later and
she basically behaved the sameway as the first doctor, but
instead she literally did saythe words you are a bad mother,
your son has failure to thriveand you are a bad mother.
And I had a nervous breakdownon the floor.
(21:19):
I just fell apart and she justwalked away.
She just left and the nextmorning they had called someone
in a psychiatrist, in to talk tome, and at that point I had
also called my husband in to flyin because he was down south.
I called my husband in becauseI was like I need backup, so he
(21:41):
came in and I told thepsychiatrist what was going on.
I told them my story.
I called for a patient advocate.
It was getting ridiculous like Iwas in a hospital paying to be
there just so they could weighmy son's diapers, but they
weren't actively doing anythingto figure out what was wrong, so
they were just racking up thesebills and calling me a bad
(22:01):
mother simultaneously.
It was probably one of theworst and most isolating
experiences of my life and Ifinally finally got a nurse to
listen to me.
I mentioned again that therehad been a tongue-tie and so she
(22:22):
looked in his mouth andthankfully thankfully she did
have experience because her, oneof her kids had had a
tongue-tie, and this was a nurseI'd never seen before.
On the five days I was thereI'd never seen her on the floor,
so she was new and I got her tolisten to me and she looked in
his mouth and she's like, oh mygoodness, I was like, well, they
(22:43):
already snipped it.
She's like, well, they didn'tdo anything.
Like this is like one of theworst cases I've ever seen.
So she was amazing.
So she and the patient advocatelike fought really hard for me
and I was able to get a referralto a pediatric dentist up in
Juneau and so like.
After that I was finally able tostart getting somewhere and he
(23:08):
was able to have laser surgeryand he we fixed all of his cheek
ties and tongue ties and lipties and it was so it was a mess
.
The tie in front had started togrow back and it was actually
like a chunk of cartilage in it,like it was.
It was so strong it was insane.
I was also able to connect witha electation consultant and she
(23:33):
was able to help me becauseboth of us Dylan both Dylan and
I, my son and I basically had torelearn the whole nursing
experience because the way he'dbeen latching before was wrong,
but he'd been doing it that waybecause his tongue and his mouth
were so anchored and so tied upso we had to relearn how to
nurse and that took like a monthto relearn all of the right you
(23:57):
know, muscle memory and stuff.
And I like that experiencetaught me so much because I was
struggling so much as a new mom,okay, and I didn't have it
together.
I had no idea what I was doingand I had an entire team of
medical professionals, say forlike one or two, all telling me
(24:20):
I was doing a terrible job as amom and I was obviously doing
something wrong.
I was obviously doing somethingthat was hurting my baby and
when, in fact, they hadn't beenactually giving good medical
care, they hadn't been payingattention to their patient, they
just assumed that I was doingsomething wrong.
(24:40):
They, when they were doing anexam, they would just weigh him
and that was it.
Only when he was three monthsold did they actually start to
look into stuff and you knowthat was when they did the blood
draw and stuff.
But I had been nagging themalmost every week up until that
point about his tongue ties andthey never did anything, said
(25:00):
anything or acknowledged what Iwas saying, not even once.
But you know, they made me feellike a bad mom and a terrible
person.
And one of them, somebodycalled CPS on me.
I actually got a phone call.
The phone call was made, so thereport to CPS was made in in
May and I didn't get a phonecall from from them until
(25:25):
September.
And like I was talking to thesocial worker and I was like
this is very concerning, becauseI was like one, my husband and
I bent over backwards for ourkid.
We were at the doctor's officeevery single week doing weekly
check-ins for three months.
We went up to a hospital for asolid week just to, you know,
have our kids diapers weighedand that's it.
(25:49):
I mean, we bent over backwardsfor our son and yet someone
turns around, calls CPS on us,when only a quarter mile away we
have drug dealers living insideof a mobile that needs to be
torn down, with kids floating inand out of the house all day
long and not a thing is done forthem.
(26:09):
So, like there is, there wasjust this huge expectation of
absolute perfection, and youhave to have it figured out now.
Just thrust on me when I had noidea what to do.
I had no idea what to do.
And they totally took advantageof that and so, like that was
my first experience with thewhole expectation of being
(26:32):
supermom who totally has it alltogether, knows exactly what she
was doing and has it allfigured out, and I didn't.
I was still learning and nobodywas helping me learn.
So, yeah, I had that.
And then I believe I was only,let's see, six, seven months
(26:53):
postpartum and I had somebodyask me oh okay, so now that
you're done relaxing, now thatyou're done relaxing, when are
you going back to work?
And, like I said, I was onlylike six or seven months
postpartum and I was just likeI'm not going back to work, like
(27:13):
my baby's only six or sevenmonths old, and at that point,
like I didn't really need to goback to work.
We kept our expenses pretty low, so and the economy was still
pretty decent, so there wasn't,I didn't need it, we didn't need
me to go to work yet.
And so I was like, oh, I'm notgoing to work.
And the person kind of justlooked at me and he's like what
(27:36):
do you do all day?
And I was just like I take careof a baby, like I'm a mother, I
take care of the house like it'sa full-time job, caring for
kids and caring for infants,like this isn't kickback and
watch Netflix all day long, likeI never had a moment to myself.
(27:58):
It was like incessant.
Then you know this expectationthat you have to meet the needs
of other people.
And you do have to meet theirneeds, because they are very
loud little people and so if youdon't meet their needs, it's
like it's very loud.
So I yeah, there was like this,this.
It was weird.
It was just so weird to me thatI had to not only have a
(28:23):
full-time job as a mother, butpeople didn't see that as a job.
So I had to go back to work, soI had to be a full-time mom, I
had to be a full-time wife, Ihad to have a full-time job.
Only then was I consideredworthy and like enough.
(28:44):
Then I was actuallycontributing to society.
According to the attitude ofthis person and this is not
something that's just isolatedto this one person.
You see this all the time, allover the place, and this is why
moms are falling apart, becausethere's this expectation from
society to completely ignoretheir own needs, their own
(29:04):
mental health needs, and youhave to be everything.
You have to be full-time mom,you have to be a full-time wife,
you have to be a full-timeemployee and somehow have enough
mental and emotional capacityto meet the needs of everyone
else around you, and everybodyelse ignores your needs.
And so I started running intothat because, yeah, people would
(29:28):
ask me when are you going backto work?
Because I had worked before Ihad my son.
And people would ask me when areyou going back to work?
And I'd be like I'm not, Ican't, I can't mentally handle
that.
I can't be a mom and workfull-time.
It's physically impossible.
I breastfeed my kid, won't takea bottle, and so I can't leave
(29:49):
him at daycare.
And the daycare where we livedwas just, it was not the
greatest, and so I was just like, yeah, I'm just not gonna work
until he's older or until weneed it.
It's just not gonna happen.
And I had so many people be like, oh, you've got it so easy.
It was just it's so messed up.
(30:11):
It's so messed up that peopledon't accept or aren't willing
to accept that you have as muchvalue being a mom and being a
wife as you do in being anemployee in the workforce.
You have as much value, butthere is nothing wrong with it
(30:36):
and like, yeah, so there's thisjust ridiculous expectation of,
of doing it all right Mom, wife,employee and during the
pandemic they threw schoolteacher on top of that.
So we had mom, wife employee,school teacher, and then let's
(31:00):
not forget that you had to bethe school teacher but also had
to be the employee who showed upfor work every day.
So I don't try to explain thelogistics of that one, because
it was.
Yeah, there was a nightmare, atleast, where I lived like
people trying to figure outschool while also going to work.
It was just, it was just, itwas insane.
(31:22):
And so, yeah, there's definitelythis, this damned if you do,
damned if you don't thing.
You know, and it even comesdown to you know the basics in
in how you're raising your childas well, like breastfeeding
versus formula, sleep trainingversus, you know, bed sharing.
You know organic food versusnon-organic food.
Do you make your own baby foodor do you go buy it yourself?
(31:44):
Like, do you take your kid toMcDonald's or do you only cook
him hot?
You know home cooked meals andit's, it's.
So you know if you take yourkid to McDonald's, oh, you're a
terrible lazy mom who's feedingyour kid poison if you only feed
your kid home cooked meals.
Well, aren't you lucky that youhave a husband who works hard
(32:05):
enough for you to be able to buyall those ingredients?
So it's like, like I said,damned if you do, damned if you
don't.
There is no, you're a good momfor taking care of your kids to
the best of your ability.
There is none of that.
So, like with the count, withthe breastfeeding versus formula
(32:25):
, this is gonna be a very hottopic for some people and people
aren't gonna like what I'mabout to say.
Some people are not gonna likewhat I'm about to say, but I
have had to use formula.
I've had to use it with my, myoldest, like I mentioned in the
beginning of this podcast, and Idon't understand why some moms
(32:50):
are so vilified over the factthat they use formula, because
I'm not like a 100% believer inthe whole.
Fed is best thing, because youknow there is this, you know
there is a line there.
Like you, we do need to try tofeed our kids what's best for
our bodies, kind of thing.
So like we go out of our way tobuy organic food for our kids
(33:13):
but we don't formula into them,like I mean there does need to
be a balance.
But you're not a bad mom if yourkid is formula fed, and like on
all these Facebook groupsFacebook groups are the absolute
worst when it comes to thiskind of thing and like, the
(33:33):
attacks against mothers mostoften, from what I've seen, come
from other mothers, which isjust absolutely horrible.
Like other mothers shouldshould know the struggles that
you know mothers face in lifetrying to raise their kids.
But hold on one second, I'mgonna take a drink of tea.
But they, yeah, just run aftermoms and attack moms, for you
(34:03):
know, feeding their kids formulawhen they have no idea what the
circumstances are behind thatdecision and trying to
breastfeed, especially if youhave no idea what you're doing,
like I did.
Like the only reason I stuckwith breastfeeding for so long,
when I struggled so hard, likeit would have been so much
(34:24):
easier for me to find a formulathat my kid would take and just
do formula, like it would havebeen so much easier.
The only reason I stuck with itwas because I had this, this
mantra, chanting in the back ofmy head that you have to
breastfeed your kid becauseformula is poison and I'm gonna,
(34:47):
you know, basically be killingmy kid if I formula fed him and,
looking back, if I had stoppedbreastfeeding, it probably would
have.
It definitely would have beenbetter for us both, like it
would have been better for himphysically and it would have
been better for me mentallybecause I struggled so hard
(35:11):
trying to breastfeed my sonbecause I thought it was the
only thing I could do because ifI didn't I was gonna be a bad
mom.
And so, like, if you're, ifyou're struggling with
breastfeeding and you'restruggling with your mental
health because of it, just stop,just stop, stop breastfeeding,
(35:32):
just stop.
If you have to switch toformula because your mental
health is suffering from tryingto breastfeed, just stop and
switch to formula.
Like your kid needs to be fedand he needs to have a healthy
mom who is also mentally healthyand can actually take care of
him and have a full presence inhis life and not be a zombie
because she's just so dead,tired or focused on trying to
(35:57):
like forcing the breastfeedingissue or or whatever.
Just just stop and do its bestfor you as well.
So, and that's that's like avery big issue for me too, it's
just, it's just a very I don'tknow.
I feel very strongly about thatbecause I've run into it myself
and then in other moms as well,where we felt forced into it or
(36:20):
felt that we couldn't quitbefore, like you know, a certain
timeline.
Everybody like in like thecircles I come from everybody in
breastfeeding until at leasttwo years old and I weaned my
oldest at 17 months, 16, 17months, and I got so many side
(36:41):
looks like, so much side eyefrom that and just like why, why
do you, why did you wean him soearly?
And I was just like because itwas painful, it hurt, I didn't
want to do it anymore, I wasexhausted, it was annoying, I
hated every second of it.
I didn't look like.
(37:02):
Everybody talks about howmagical breastfeeding is and for
me, like I've never experiencedthat you know how magical
breastfeeding is because for mepersonally, it's just like this
I honestly don't like it, but Ido it because, you know, I feel
like it's best nutritionally forfor the kids, so that's why I
pushed so hard for it and so,yeah, I just I don't know like I
(37:29):
feel like like, if it's reallythat difficult, then just stop.
If your body is like like minewas, like was just had this
feeling of absolute rejection,like I don't want to do this
anymore.
I'm dying over here.
Just stop, stop doing it.
Just stop.
(37:49):
I mean, if you, if you reallyfeel the need for your child to
to be breastfed, then buy abreast pump.
They're actually breast pumpson the market.
I've actually I've invested in,if you, there are breast pumps
on the market that are actuallyvery comfortable.
They're not painful and youbarely feel like you're hooked
(38:10):
up to anything.
You will still feel like youare a milking cow.
I'm sorry there is no wayaround that one, but they are
more comfortable thanbreastfeeding sometimes, so that
is an option.
If you're not breastfeeding, aformula is not something that
you want to switch to.
So another another point ofcontention that people really
(38:31):
really get after is the wholesleep training versus bed
sharing talk topic.
Oh boy, like I have seen someof the worst hate and vitriol on
social media over this sleeptraining versus bed sharing.
Like you're not allowed tosleep train your kid because
(38:52):
sleep training is abuse, right,but you can't bed share because
that's considered unsafe for thechild.
So then, because you can'tsleep train your baby and you
can't bed share with them,you're kind of left in this
limbo in between, like, okay, sowhat can I do?
What am I allowed to do if Ican't sleep?
(39:14):
Train my baby to sleep withoutme, but I can't sleep with him
in my bed.
Do I just walk around, stayawake for the rest of my life
and hold him and let him sleepin my arms while I stay wide
awake?
Like there's just no winning?
There's no winning, like youcan't be good enough for anyone,
you can't do anything wellenough for anyone.
(39:36):
And that's why I am starting toget to a point in my life and I
started getting like this abouttwo years ago, after my my
second child was born where Iwas just like you know what, I
just don't care anymore.
I'm gonna do what's best for meand my child, and if the rest
(39:58):
of the world has a problem withit, that's okay, because,
honestly, nothing happens whenyou're offended.
Nothing happens.
There isn't a unicorn thatdrops dead, no puppies die.
Nothing happens, except yourfeelings are hurt or, you know,
your opinions are challenged,that's it.
(40:19):
That's all that happens.
And that is honestly somethingI can live with if that means
that my peace of mind is goingto still be intact, if I'm still
gonna be able to get sleep atnight, if I'm going to still be
able to breastfeed my childwithout losing my mind.
(40:40):
If I'm gonna be able to do allthose things, that's great,
that's perfect.
And if you're offended overthat, I'm sorry, but life goes
on.
Because we can't, it'simpossible to fulfill everyone's
expectations of being supermomwho totally has it together.
One everyone has a differentopinion of what supermom is.
(41:04):
I mean, you've got you've gotthe evangelical Christians who
think supermom is the mom whohas 13 perfectly well-behaved,
for perfectly clean, perfectlycoiffed children, who never
stopped by the line.
And then you've got the supermoms who try the soccer van,
this.
You know that.
You've got the soccer mom who'sgot the five to six kids and
(41:26):
goes to a million events and ispulling her hair out and is
secretly on you know two orthree antidepressants.
I mean it.
Actually I feel like a lot ofthese ones are beyond
antidepressants, or at leastanti-anxiety meds, because it's
just, it's too much.
It's too much like we shouldn'twe, we shouldn't be made to
(41:49):
feel and be forced to carry allof this, this load, and be so
many different things for somany different people and ignore
our own, our own needs on topof it, like as moms, I do feel
like we are called to sacrificefor our children but at the same
(42:10):
time, like you, can't pour froman empty cup.
We have to have something togive, and so we do need to set
boundaries and we need to maketime for ourselves.
I need to go get my hair cutand maybe I will go dye my hair
red.
We will definitely think aboutabout the daring my hair red, we
(42:35):
will think about the red.
But make make time for yourselfbecause, like I said, like I
just said, you cannot pour froman empty cup and so, like your
kids aren't going to receiveanything or or grow to be, you
know mentally healthy people iftheir mom is constantly frazzled
(42:55):
and you know, faking it tillshe makes it kind of thing like
we can't, we can't do it.
It's not something that we can,we can uphold, it's just it's
physically and mentallyimpossible for any human being
to do so.
Just remember to take care ofyourself and try and I know this
(43:21):
last one is really hard and I Idefinitely struggled with
myself is try to ignoresociety's expectations of you,
because they honestly don'tmatter like as long as your kids
are healthy, happy and clothedand fed and emotionally cared
(43:44):
for.
You're a good mom like you're agood mom, your kids don't you
know back to school craze.
They don't need the latest andgreatest backpack, they don't
need a whole new wardrobe, likethey don't need any of that
stuff.
And if it's causing you, likehuge amounts of stress to do the
whole back to school thing,don't do it, because your kids
(44:07):
are going to be just as healthyand just as happy using last
year's backpack and having onlyone or two new outfits, and they
would be with a brand newbackpack and a whole new
wardrobe.
Your cup is going to be fullbecause you don't have to deal
with that stress.
Their cup is going to be fullbecause they have a happy mom
(44:29):
and so like.
We have to remember to alsotake care of ourselves and
that's like the biggest messageI want to put out today in
today's episode is is just like,remember to be, to be happy and
to be mindful of, like, yourown mental health on top of
everyone else's.
(44:53):
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode on the mental load that
women carry.
I got a little bit carried awaythere at a couple points.
I told you today's episode wasgoing to be a little bit
different.
I was very sarcastic at somepoints and I do apologize, but
you know.
There we have it.
Just a quick reminder.
(45:14):
I do have a Instagram andFacebook that I run.
I would love it if you allwould go and follow me there.
My handle on Instagram is atall our little messes and I just
post like little blips onparenting and marriage and
relationships and life andlittle, just like little
(45:40):
thoughts and tidbits that I havethat I come up with throughout
the day.
So I would love if you wouldall would go and follow me there
and I will see you guys allnext week.
Thank you for tuning in to thisepisode of all our little
messes.
Please let us know how much youenjoyed it below and add any
(46:03):
questions you have about thisepisode.
Also, don't forget to follow uson patreon for amazing
exclusive perks, including earlyaccess to podcast episodes and
bonus episodes every month.
We've also recently added asupport group for all of our
paid patrons.
You could check us out onFacebook and Instagram for daily
(46:26):
updates and insights thatmirror podcast topics.
Thank you for listening andwe'll see you next week.
Hello and welcome to All Our Little Messes, a podcast
focused on healing throughintentional conversations about
parenting, relationships,religion and more.
I am your host, veronica Winrod, and I'm so happy to have you
here listening in on my thoughtstoday.
I hope you enjoy this episode.
Hello and welcome back to AllOur Little Messes.
(00:32):
This is episode number six and Iam kind of recording this in a
really weird mood, like it'sbeen a very strange day.
You guys and I honestly forgotthat I was going to record this
episode today until 10.45 atnight.
(00:53):
So I am sitting here with mytea now getting ready to record
this, and I actually had anentirely different subject
matter for you guys this week,until I was actually having a
conversation with my husbandearlier today and we were
talking about me dyeing my hair,which is like it's something
(01:15):
that he's been wanting me to dofor a while now and just putting
it off, because the thought ofdyeing my hair one color just
terrifies me.
So I'd always compromise bylike highlighting it or putting
low lights, and he's really intored hair, so he wants me to dye
my hair red.
Crazy, I know, but here we areand we were talking about me
(01:39):
dyeing my hair and I realizedthat I have not had a haircut
like an actual legitimatehaircut in over 10 months.
And my kids have had haircuts.
Either I gave them haircuts orwe went and got them haircuts.
(02:02):
They have had haircuts aboutonce every two months or so.
Their hair grows really fast,so about every six weeks to two
months they get a haircut.
And it kind of led me on thiswhole thought process today
about how we as mothers putaside our own our own needs, to
(02:29):
the detriment of our own health,for the needs of everyone else
in our family.
And while I feel like some ofthat is something that is like
hardwired into us and aatelyhardwired into us is just
something that we naturallysacrificially do as mothers, a
(02:49):
lot of that, I feel, is alsosociety's expectations that we
come off or perform this imageof perfect motherhood, like you
know, the motherhood that yousee depicted on social media,
right, and that is just aridiculous standard.
(03:14):
And then when you throw into itnot only you know the standards
we have on social media to belike this perfect mom with the
perfect house or whatever right,you also throw in what a lot of
evangelical Christians andtraditional Catholics go through
(03:36):
right, where we have to fulfillthis image of super mom.
You know the mom that smilesand says oh, yes, yes.
When she walks into thesupermarket or grocery store and
someone says, my, you've gotyour hands full, like, the
automatic response is yes, yes,there's such a blessing and you
like big smiles, which, yes,children are such blessing.
(03:58):
But it seems like we have this.
There's always this pressureright to come off as super mom.
You've totally got it undercontrol, nothing's wrong.
I definitely ate breakfast thismorning, my house is perfect
and I definitely showered withinthe last two days.
Like there's just this, thisexpectation in this image that
(04:22):
we have to, we have to live upto, we have to uphold, otherwise
we are seen as less thancompetent, we are seen as the
hot mess mom.
We are just not a good mom andthat's.
That's kind of messed up.
I mean I shouldn't be puttingoff getting my own haircut or
(04:46):
putting off or like rescheduled.
For instance, I rescheduled myprenatals, my prenatal
appointment, because my sons hadthis gathering to go to and the
oldest one had really beenlooking forward to it, and so I
was like, okay, so I'll justreschedule my prenatal
(05:07):
appointment.
So I'm like rescheduling my owndoctor's appointments so that
my kids can go to a party, andlike I was feeling guilty over
the thought of me notrescheduling that appointment
and I shouldn't feel guilty overthat.
(05:31):
Like this is a legitimatemedical reason for me to go to
the doctor.
Okay, but I'm feeling guiltyover going to the doctor because
my son's going to miss a partyand like part of it might be my
upbringing, part of it could bemy personality, but a lot of it
(05:52):
really does have to do with this, this expectation that society
has put on mothers of being theperfect mom and having
everything together, and so thatis something that I wanted to
talk to you guys about today andkind of just put forward a
couple of ideas that I've had tokind of fight against that
(06:17):
mentality, because it needs tochange for us All, right guys.
So before we get into this, Iwanted to put out a little bit
of a disclaimer.
Like I said earlier, I am in alittle bit of a weird mood, so
you might see a very sarcasticside of my personality come out
today.
So, yeah, just full disclosure.
(06:40):
So I wanted to start off bytalking about what I mentioned
earlier, like this very highexpectation of being super mom
who totally has it together,before you've even been able to
understand what being a mom isNow.
(07:01):
For me, that started basicallywhen I was in the hospital right
after I'd given birth to myfirst child.
So I am in the hospital rightand I have this tiny little
newborn and I am exhausted.
I was in labor for eight hoursand I pushed for two of those
(07:24):
hours and so I was just.
I was exhausted and I justwanted to sleep.
My husband was exhausted, hejust wanted to sleep, and I gave
birth in a very remote hospital.
It was a very small hospital inAlaska, in rural Alaska, and so
, like, the care that youreceive in those kind of
(07:45):
hospitals is very different fromthe care that you're going to
receive in what we call downsouth.
We called it down south, so inthe lower 48, it's very
different and, especially formoms, like the experience I
didn't have at the time I didn'thave anything to compare it to,
(08:05):
but now that I do, now thatI've had another child, like
looking back, it was not a goodexperience and a lot of it had
to do with the nurses and thedoctor, without.
I mean, it was probably just asubconscious thing.
(08:28):
They probably don't evenrealize they're doing this.
But it's this expectation thatI know already how to care for
this child.
And, like I said, I wasexhausted, my husband was
exhausted.
We just wanted to sleep.
I was so tired and I couldn't.
(08:52):
But I couldn't put the babydown.
Like every time I tried to putthe baby down, the baby would
cry, and so I'd be holding thebaby and I would start falling
asleep in the bed, right,because I was so tired but I
couldn't put the baby down.
And so in every single time I'dfall asleep, boom, there'd be a
nurse inside of my room, likeyelling at me for falling asleep
(09:17):
with my baby in my arms, and soshe would take the baby and she
put the baby back in thebassinet and I was like first
time mom, I didn't know how tostand up for myself.
I didn't know how to say, hey,no, this is my child, this is my
birth experience.
I didn't know how to takeownership of it.
So I just kind of went alongwith everything and they kind of
(09:41):
just expected me to know how tocalm this baby down.
And I did not know how to calmthis baby down and like I would
have nurses come in and be like,oh well, why didn't you try
this, why didn't you try that?
And it's like at the time I wasjust like, oh, I didn't think
(10:07):
of it, I guess Okay.
And now I'm just like I didn'ttry that or this because I
didn't know I needed to.
You're already putting thisunfair expectation of perfection
on me when I have been a momfor less than 24 hours, like I
(10:29):
don't even know how tobreastfeed my child.
That's a whole nother.
That's a whole nother topic.
There was my breastfeedingjourney with my first child was
just an absolute nightmare, andit also is just a perfect
example of this attitude thatsociety has, that moms have to
(10:49):
have it together, moms have tohave to be perfect, and it
starts in the hospital.
It's ridiculous.
Like we don't have it together,we don't know what we're doing.
Brotherhood is a learned skill,but society does not give us
the space or grace to do that.
We can't, we're, we don't learn.
(11:11):
We're never given the space tolearn how to be a mom.
And so we come out of thehospital and already there's
this like this huge expectationof you have to have it all
together, you have to know whatto do and when something pops up
with your baby or your newborn.
I have heard this story over andover and over again.
(11:33):
I actually just received anemail from a mom last week about
the.
She told me that her story,because of what Danica and I had
talked about in episode five,where we talked about building a
village, and I kind of goneinto my birth story a little bit
and like what had happenedafterwards, and she emailed me
and she told me what happenedand like if anything happens
(12:00):
after we give birth, we are madeto feel like we have somehow
failed, we didn't try hardenough, we didn't think of
things enough, and so like itwas so incredibly crushing for
me as a new mom because I alwaysfelt like I was a bad mother
(12:25):
and that I was never going tofigure it out.
And you know, if only I coulddo this or if only I could do
that, then I would be a good mom, then I would be, you know,
good enough for my son, and itjust put me into this horrible,
horrible cycle of just crushingdefeat all the time because I
(12:49):
could never live up to theirexpectations Like, for example,
my son.
My first child had very severeoral ties and so, as a result,
he couldn't.
I breastfed both of mine kindof off and on, especially my
first.
But my first had very bad oralties and as a result he couldn't
(13:12):
nurse very well because hecouldn't move.
He literally couldn't move histongue at all, so like when he
would cry and his mouth wouldopen, his tongue would be in the
shape of a square because itwas so rooted to the bottom of
his mouth, like he had.
He had cheek ties, he had lipties, he had tongue ties in the
(13:34):
back and in the front, like itwas.
It was all a mess.
And I remember in the hospitalthe pediatrician came in to
check on him a couple hoursafter he was born and, like,
dylan immediately started cryingand the doctor was like, oh, it
looks like he has a little bitof a tongue tie.
And as a first time mom I hadno idea what that meant.
(13:57):
I didn't know what the possiblerepercussions of that would be,
I didn't know how to process itinformation.
So I was like, oh, okay, so hejust has a tongue tie, big deal,
whatever, moving on.
And because that's what thedoctor had done, he just like,
oh, okay, whatever, he has atongue tie and he moved on.
He didn't address it anymore.
He didn't talk about it, and soI had like, from that point on,
(14:20):
like I struggled because hewouldn't latch, because he
couldn't latch, because histongue wouldn't move and so he
had problems with weight gain.
As a result, and Because he hadproblems with weight gain, I
like they were always asking mehow often are you nursing him?
(14:40):
And like that, always it made memad when they'd asked me that
question honestly, because itwhen I was in the hospital, the
I, the nurses, had given me veryconflicting information.
I had one nurse tell me that Ionly had to feed the baby every
five hours, and that seemed likereally Crazy to me, like seemed
(15:03):
like a really long time for atiny little baby that only
survives off of milk.
I had one nurse tell me thatthe baby needed to eat every
hour and then I had my momtelling me every two to three
hours.
So, like I had all thisconflicting information my mom
had had at that point, she'd hadlike 13 kids, 12, 13 kids, and
I was just like you know what mymom said 12, 13 kids.
(15:26):
She's breastfed them all.
You know.
I'm gonna kind of just takethat.
So I was.
I was setting timers From thestart of the feed to the start
of the next feed, and I wasfeeding him every two hours.
So I like had all of thisinformation in an app in my
phone, like how much he ate, howlong he would eat for, how
(15:49):
often he was pooping, how oftenhe was peeing the time between
diaper changes, like the wholebit.
I was recording Everything.
And every time I go into thedoctor they'd be like how often
are you feeding him?
Or I don't think you're feedinghim often enough.
He's obviously not gettingenough to eat because he's not
gaining weight.
(16:10):
And so then they started.
They wanted me to supplementformula and we tried like eight
or nine different formulas.
I was getting formula from thedoctor, I was getting from the
different stores, I was gettingit shipped in like I Was trying
everything and my son hated themall.
So my next step was to buy abest pump and I was pumping on
(16:34):
top of nursing and that kind ofjust became my life.
I was just Grounded to thecouch and I was either pumping
or nursing, 24-7 like that.
That became my life, thatbecame the sole purpose of my
life.
And and he still wasn't gainingweight.
(16:55):
And so I brought up one time toOne of the doctors that was
working there, our little clinic, and I was.
I asked him I was like, hey,like I had a doctor in the
hospital tell me he has a tonguetie, do you think that's it?
And he's like, oh no, no, thatdefinitely wouldn't affect the
effect what's going on.
(17:15):
And, and this doctor was alwayspushing for like blood draws
and things like that, and IFinally I was able to get his
primary caregiver to take a lookand she took a look.
She's like, oh yeah, he doeshave one.
And so they.
They didn't have any ENTs oranybody in office there, because
(17:36):
, again, this is rural Alaska,this is a tiny little clinic,
and I mean it was in a town of700 people, 750 people,
something like that.
So they had somebody come in.
They clipped the tie because hewas still only like a month and
a half, two months, old at thispoint, and it got better, but
(17:57):
it still wasn't fixed, like hestill wasn't gaining enough
weight.
And so finally, after the pointwhere one of the doctors there
Told me he had failure to thrive, in that they were, they wanted
to do a bunch of blood work tosee if there was something else.
That was wrong.
And so they Did a bunch ofblood work and he had he had
(18:20):
like elevated liver enzymes,which, with knowing what I know
now, an elevated liver enzymesin a baby is.
It really means nothing becausethey have nothing to, they have
no skill to compare it to.
From what I understand I wastalking to another doctor and I
guess they have nothing tocompare no, no scale to compare
(18:40):
liver enzymes in an infant too.
So when you Do a blood draw ina baby and it says that they
have elevated liver enzymes,that scale is compared to an
adult and it's actually fairlycommon for babies to have
elevated liver enzymes in theirblood.
But this doctor like freaked outimmediately and like started
(19:03):
throwing things around likeliver cancer, liver disease, and
I Was just like whoa, that's,that's crazy.
And I I made the mistake oftelling him I wanted a second
opinion and that really reallymade him mad and he was actually
(19:23):
one of the first people to ever, kind of offhandedly, accuse me
of being a bad mom because Ididn't immediately take his
advice and I wanted, I wanted asecond opinion Because he was
throwing things around like no,liver cancer, liver disease, and
he wanted to Minovacus up tothe hospital, and so I.
(19:43):
We ultimately decided to fly upto the hospital in in Alaska,
the hospital that that wasclosest associated with this
clinic.
We flew up there and for thenext five days they did so.
They did one blood draw thefirst day.
We were there for five days andfor five days all they did was
have me feed him on a scheduleand then weigh his diapers
(20:06):
afterwards.
For five days, and it was soexhausting mentally because I
was constantly hearing frompeople you're not feeding him
enough.
He's obviously not gettingenough.
There's something wrong withyou.
What are you doing?
You need to fix this.
You need to fix that.
I had one doctor.
I had a doctor that I actuallyfired because she came in and
(20:34):
told me that I was ignoringdoctors advice, even though I
was doing everything they toldme to do.
I was ignoring doctors advice,obviously because my son wasn't
getting better and I got so mad.
Another nurse came in and Itold the nurse to get that
doctor out of here and I neverwant to see her again.
(20:55):
And so they had another doctorcome in a couple hours later and
she basically behaved the sameway as the first doctor, but
instead she literally did saythe words you are a bad mother,
your son has failure to thriveand you are a bad mother.
And I had a nervous breakdownon the floor.
(21:19):
I just fell apart and she justwalked away.
She just left and the nextmorning they had called someone
in a psychiatrist, in to talk tome, and at that point I had
also called my husband in to flyin because he was down south.
I called my husband in becauseI was like I need backup, so he
(21:41):
came in and I told thepsychiatrist what was going on.
I told them my story.
I called for a patient advocate.
It was getting ridiculous like Iwas in a hospital paying to be
there just so they could weighmy son's diapers, but they
weren't actively doing anythingto figure out what was wrong, so
they were just racking up thesebills and calling me a bad
(22:01):
mother simultaneously.
It was probably one of theworst and most isolating
experiences of my life and Ifinally finally got a nurse to
listen to me.
I mentioned again that therehad been a tongue-tie and so she
(22:22):
looked in his mouth andthankfully thankfully she did
have experience because her, oneof her kids had had a
tongue-tie, and this was a nurseI'd never seen before.
On the five days I was thereI'd never seen her on the floor,
so she was new and I got her tolisten to me and she looked in
his mouth and she's like, oh mygoodness, I was like, well, they
(22:43):
already snipped it.
She's like, well, they didn'tdo anything.
Like this is like one of theworst cases I've ever seen.
So she was amazing.
So she and the patient advocatelike fought really hard for me
and I was able to get a referralto a pediatric dentist up in
Juneau and so like.
After that I was finally able tostart getting somewhere and he
(23:08):
was able to have laser surgeryand he we fixed all of his cheek
ties and tongue ties and lipties and it was so it was a mess
.
The tie in front had started togrow back and it was actually
like a chunk of cartilage in it,like it was.
It was so strong it was insane.
I was also able to connect witha electation consultant and she
(23:33):
was able to help me becauseboth of us Dylan both Dylan and
I, my son and I basically had torelearn the whole nursing
experience because the way he'dbeen latching before was wrong,
but he'd been doing it that waybecause his tongue and his mouth
were so anchored and so tied upso we had to relearn how to
nurse and that took like a monthto relearn all of the right you
(23:57):
know, muscle memory and stuff.
And I like that experiencetaught me so much because I was
struggling so much as a new mom,okay, and I didn't have it
together.
I had no idea what I was doingand I had an entire team of
medical professionals, say forlike one or two, all telling me
(24:20):
I was doing a terrible job as amom and I was obviously doing
something wrong.
I was obviously doing somethingthat was hurting my baby and
when, in fact, they hadn't beenactually giving good medical
care, they hadn't been payingattention to their patient, they
just assumed that I was doingsomething wrong.
(24:40):
They, when they were doing anexam, they would just weigh him
and that was it.
Only when he was three monthsold did they actually start to
look into stuff and you knowthat was when they did the blood
draw and stuff.
But I had been nagging themalmost every week up until that
point about his tongue ties andthey never did anything, said
(25:00):
anything or acknowledged what Iwas saying, not even once.
But you know, they made me feellike a bad mom and a terrible
person.
And one of them, somebodycalled CPS on me.
I actually got a phone call.
The phone call was made, so thereport to CPS was made in in
May and I didn't get a phonecall from from them until
(25:25):
September.
And like I was talking to thesocial worker and I was like
this is very concerning, becauseI was like one, my husband and
I bent over backwards for ourkid.
We were at the doctor's officeevery single week doing weekly
check-ins for three months.
We went up to a hospital for asolid week just to, you know,
have our kids diapers weighedand that's it.
(25:49):
I mean, we bent over backwardsfor our son and yet someone
turns around, calls CPS on us,when only a quarter mile away we
have drug dealers living insideof a mobile that needs to be
torn down, with kids floating inand out of the house all day
long and not a thing is done forthem.
(26:09):
So, like there is, there wasjust this huge expectation of
absolute perfection, and youhave to have it figured out now.
Just thrust on me when I had noidea what to do.
I had no idea what to do.
And they totally took advantageof that and so, like that was
my first experience with thewhole expectation of being
(26:32):
supermom who totally has it alltogether, knows exactly what she
was doing and has it allfigured out, and I didn't.
I was still learning and nobodywas helping me learn.
So, yeah, I had that.
And then I believe I was only,let's see, six, seven months
(26:53):
postpartum and I had somebodyask me oh okay, so now that
you're done relaxing, now thatyou're done relaxing, when are
you going back to work?
And, like I said, I was onlylike six or seven months
postpartum and I was just likeI'm not going back to work, like
(27:13):
my baby's only six or sevenmonths old, and at that point,
like I didn't really need to goback to work.
We kept our expenses pretty low, so and the economy was still
pretty decent, so there wasn't,I didn't need it, we didn't need
me to go to work yet.
And so I was like, oh, I'm notgoing to work.
And the person kind of justlooked at me and he's like what
(27:36):
do you do all day?
And I was just like I take careof a baby, like I'm a mother, I
take care of the house like it'sa full-time job, caring for
kids and caring for infants,like this isn't kickback and
watch Netflix all day long, likeI never had a moment to myself.
(27:58):
It was like incessant.
Then you know this expectationthat you have to meet the needs
of other people.
And you do have to meet theirneeds, because they are very
loud little people and so if youdon't meet their needs, it's
like it's very loud.
So I yeah, there was like this,this.
It was weird.
It was just so weird to me thatI had to not only have a
(28:23):
full-time job as a mother, butpeople didn't see that as a job.
So I had to go back to work, soI had to be a full-time mom, I
had to be a full-time wife, Ihad to have a full-time job.
Only then was I consideredworthy and like enough.
(28:44):
Then I was actuallycontributing to society.
According to the attitude ofthis person and this is not
something that's just isolatedto this one person.
You see this all the time, allover the place, and this is why
moms are falling apart, becausethere's this expectation from
society to completely ignoretheir own needs, their own
(29:04):
mental health needs, and youhave to be everything.
You have to be full-time mom,you have to be a full-time wife,
you have to be a full-timeemployee and somehow have enough
mental and emotional capacityto meet the needs of everyone
else around you, and everybodyelse ignores your needs.
And so I started running intothat because, yeah, people would
(29:28):
ask me when are you going backto work?
Because I had worked before Ihad my son.
And people would ask me when areyou going back to work?
And I'd be like I'm not, Ican't, I can't mentally handle
that.
I can't be a mom and workfull-time.
It's physically impossible.
I breastfeed my kid, won't takea bottle, and so I can't leave
(29:49):
him at daycare.
And the daycare where we livedwas just, it was not the
greatest, and so I was just like, yeah, I'm just not gonna work
until he's older or until weneed it.
It's just not gonna happen.
And I had so many people be like, oh, you've got it so easy.
It was just it's so messed up.
(30:11):
It's so messed up that peopledon't accept or aren't willing
to accept that you have as muchvalue being a mom and being a
wife as you do in being anemployee in the workforce.
You have as much value, butthere is nothing wrong with it
(30:36):
and like, yeah, so there's thisjust ridiculous expectation of,
of doing it all right Mom, wife,employee and during the
pandemic they threw schoolteacher on top of that.
So we had mom, wife employee,school teacher, and then let's
(31:00):
not forget that you had to bethe school teacher but also had
to be the employee who showed upfor work every day.
So I don't try to explain thelogistics of that one, because
it was.
Yeah, there was a nightmare, atleast, where I lived like
people trying to figure outschool while also going to work.
It was just, it was just, itwas insane.
(31:22):
And so, yeah, there's definitelythis, this damned if you do,
damned if you don't thing.
You know, and it even comesdown to you know the basics in
in how you're raising your childas well, like breastfeeding
versus formula, sleep trainingversus, you know, bed sharing.
You know organic food versusnon-organic food.
Do you make your own baby foodor do you go buy it yourself?
(31:44):
Like, do you take your kid toMcDonald's or do you only cook
him hot?
You know home cooked meals andit's, it's.
So you know if you take yourkid to McDonald's, oh, you're a
terrible lazy mom who's feedingyour kid poison if you only feed
your kid home cooked meals.
Well, aren't you lucky that youhave a husband who works hard
(32:05):
enough for you to be able to buyall those ingredients?
So it's like, like I said,damned if you do, damned if you
don't.
There is no, you're a good momfor taking care of your kids to
the best of your ability.
There is none of that.
So, like with the count, withthe breastfeeding versus formula
(32:25):
, this is gonna be a very hottopic for some people and people
aren't gonna like what I'mabout to say.
Some people are not gonna likewhat I'm about to say, but I
have had to use formula.
I've had to use it with my, myoldest, like I mentioned in the
beginning of this podcast, and Idon't understand why some moms
(32:50):
are so vilified over the factthat they use formula, because
I'm not like a 100% believer inthe whole.
Fed is best thing, because youknow there is this, you know
there is a line there.
Like you, we do need to try tofeed our kids what's best for
our bodies, kind of thing.
So like we go out of our way tobuy organic food for our kids
(33:13):
but we don't formula into them,like I mean there does need to
be a balance.
But you're not a bad mom if yourkid is formula fed, and like on
all these Facebook groupsFacebook groups are the absolute
worst when it comes to thiskind of thing and like, the
(33:33):
attacks against mothers mostoften, from what I've seen, come
from other mothers, which isjust absolutely horrible.
Like other mothers shouldshould know the struggles that
you know mothers face in lifetrying to raise their kids.
But hold on one second, I'mgonna take a drink of tea.
But they, yeah, just run aftermoms and attack moms, for you
(34:03):
know, feeding their kids formulawhen they have no idea what the
circumstances are behind thatdecision and trying to
breastfeed, especially if youhave no idea what you're doing,
like I did.
Like the only reason I stuckwith breastfeeding for so long,
when I struggled so hard, likeit would have been so much
(34:24):
easier for me to find a formulathat my kid would take and just
do formula, like it would havebeen so much easier.
The only reason I stuck with itwas because I had this, this
mantra, chanting in the back ofmy head that you have to
breastfeed your kid becauseformula is poison and I'm gonna,
(34:47):
you know, basically be killingmy kid if I formula fed him and,
looking back, if I had stoppedbreastfeeding, it probably would
have.
It definitely would have beenbetter for us both, like it
would have been better for himphysically and it would have
been better for me mentallybecause I struggled so hard
(35:11):
trying to breastfeed my sonbecause I thought it was the
only thing I could do because ifI didn't I was gonna be a bad
mom.
And so, like, if you're, ifyou're struggling with
breastfeeding and you'restruggling with your mental
health because of it, just stop,just stop, stop breastfeeding,
(35:32):
just stop.
If you have to switch toformula because your mental
health is suffering from tryingto breastfeed, just stop and
switch to formula.
Like your kid needs to be fedand he needs to have a healthy
mom who is also mentally healthyand can actually take care of
him and have a full presence inhis life and not be a zombie
because she's just so dead,tired or focused on trying to
(35:57):
like forcing the breastfeedingissue or or whatever.
Just just stop and do its bestfor you as well.
So, and that's that's like avery big issue for me too, it's
just, it's just a very I don'tknow.
I feel very strongly about thatbecause I've run into it myself
and then in other moms as well,where we felt forced into it or
(36:20):
felt that we couldn't quitbefore, like you know, a certain
timeline.
Everybody like in like thecircles I come from everybody in
breastfeeding until at leasttwo years old and I weaned my
oldest at 17 months, 16, 17months, and I got so many side
(36:41):
looks like, so much side eyefrom that and just like why, why
do you, why did you wean him soearly?
And I was just like because itwas painful, it hurt, I didn't
want to do it anymore, I wasexhausted, it was annoying, I
hated every second of it.
I didn't look like.
(37:02):
Everybody talks about howmagical breastfeeding is and for
me, like I've never experiencedthat you know how magical
breastfeeding is because for mepersonally, it's just like this
I honestly don't like it, but Ido it because, you know, I feel
like it's best nutritionally forfor the kids, so that's why I
pushed so hard for it and so,yeah, I just I don't know like I
(37:29):
feel like like, if it's reallythat difficult, then just stop.
If your body is like like minewas, like was just had this
feeling of absolute rejection,like I don't want to do this
anymore.
I'm dying over here.
Just stop, stop doing it.
Just stop.
(37:49):
I mean, if you, if you reallyfeel the need for your child to
to be breastfed, then buy abreast pump.
They're actually breast pumpson the market.
I've actually I've invested in,if you, there are breast pumps
on the market that are actuallyvery comfortable.
They're not painful and youbarely feel like you're hooked
(38:10):
up to anything.
You will still feel like youare a milking cow.
I'm sorry there is no wayaround that one, but they are
more comfortable thanbreastfeeding sometimes, so that
is an option.
If you're not breastfeeding, aformula is not something that
you want to switch to.
So another another point ofcontention that people really
(38:31):
really get after is the wholesleep training versus bed
sharing talk topic.
Oh boy, like I have seen someof the worst hate and vitriol on
social media over this sleeptraining versus bed sharing.
Like you're not allowed tosleep train your kid because
(38:52):
sleep training is abuse, right,but you can't bed share because
that's considered unsafe for thechild.
So then, because you can'tsleep train your baby and you
can't bed share with them,you're kind of left in this
limbo in between, like, okay, sowhat can I do?
What am I allowed to do if Ican't sleep?
(39:14):
Train my baby to sleep withoutme, but I can't sleep with him
in my bed.
Do I just walk around, stayawake for the rest of my life
and hold him and let him sleepin my arms while I stay wide
awake?
Like there's just no winning?
There's no winning, like youcan't be good enough for anyone,
you can't do anything wellenough for anyone.
(39:36):
And that's why I am starting toget to a point in my life and I
started getting like this abouttwo years ago, after my my
second child was born where Iwas just like you know what, I
just don't care anymore.
I'm gonna do what's best for meand my child, and if the rest
(39:58):
of the world has a problem withit, that's okay, because,
honestly, nothing happens whenyou're offended.
Nothing happens.
There isn't a unicorn thatdrops dead, no puppies die.
Nothing happens, except yourfeelings are hurt or, you know,
your opinions are challenged,that's it.
(40:19):
That's all that happens.
And that is honestly somethingI can live with if that means
that my peace of mind is goingto still be intact, if I'm still
gonna be able to get sleep atnight, if I'm going to still be
able to breastfeed my childwithout losing my mind.
(40:40):
If I'm gonna be able to do allthose things, that's great,
that's perfect.
And if you're offended overthat, I'm sorry, but life goes
on.
Because we can't, it'simpossible to fulfill everyone's
expectations of being supermomwho totally has it together.
One everyone has a differentopinion of what supermom is.
(41:04):
I mean, you've got you've gotthe evangelical Christians who
think supermom is the mom whohas 13 perfectly well-behaved,
for perfectly clean, perfectlycoiffed children, who never
stopped by the line.
And then you've got the supermoms who try the soccer van,
this.
You know that.
You've got the soccer mom who'sgot the five to six kids and
(41:26):
goes to a million events and ispulling her hair out and is
secretly on you know two orthree antidepressants.
I mean it.
Actually I feel like a lot ofthese ones are beyond
antidepressants, or at leastanti-anxiety meds, because it's
just, it's too much.
It's too much like we shouldn'twe, we shouldn't be made to
(41:49):
feel and be forced to carry allof this, this load, and be so
many different things for somany different people and ignore
our own, our own needs on topof it, like as moms, I do feel
like we are called to sacrificefor our children but at the same
(42:10):
time, like you, can't pour froman empty cup.
We have to have something togive, and so we do need to set
boundaries and we need to maketime for ourselves.
I need to go get my hair cutand maybe I will go dye my hair
red.
We will definitely think aboutabout the daring my hair red, we
(42:35):
will think about the red.
But make make time for yourselfbecause, like I said, like I
just said, you cannot pour froman empty cup and so, like your
kids aren't going to receiveanything or or grow to be, you
know mentally healthy people iftheir mom is constantly frazzled
(42:55):
and you know, faking it tillshe makes it kind of thing like
we can't, we can't do it.
It's not something that we can,we can uphold, it's just it's
physically and mentallyimpossible for any human being
to do so.
Just remember to take care ofyourself and try and I know this
(43:21):
last one is really hard and I Idefinitely struggled with
myself is try to ignoresociety's expectations of you,
because they honestly don'tmatter like as long as your kids
are healthy, happy and clothedand fed and emotionally cared
(43:44):
for.
You're a good mom like you're agood mom, your kids don't you
know back to school craze.
They don't need the latest andgreatest backpack, they don't
need a whole new wardrobe, likethey don't need any of that
stuff.
And if it's causing you, likehuge amounts of stress to do the
whole back to school thing,don't do it, because your kids
(44:07):
are going to be just as healthyand just as happy using last
year's backpack and having onlyone or two new outfits, and they
would be with a brand newbackpack and a whole new
wardrobe.
Your cup is going to be fullbecause you don't have to deal
with that stress.
Their cup is going to be fullbecause they have a happy mom
(44:29):
and so like.
We have to remember to alsotake care of ourselves and
that's like the biggest messageI want to put out today in
today's episode is is just like,remember to be, to be happy and
to be mindful of, like, yourown mental health on top of
everyone else's.
(44:53):
I hope you enjoyed today'sepisode on the mental load that
women carry.
I got a little bit carried awaythere at a couple points.
I told you today's episode wasgoing to be a little bit
different.
I was very sarcastic at somepoints and I do apologize, but
you know.
There we have it.
Just a quick reminder.
(45:14):
I do have a Instagram andFacebook that I run.
I would love it if you allwould go and follow me there.
My handle on Instagram is atall our little messes and I just
post like little blips onparenting and marriage and
relationships and life andlittle, just like little
(45:40):
thoughts and tidbits that I havethat I come up with throughout
the day.
So I would love if you wouldall would go and follow me there
and I will see you guys allnext week.
Thank you for tuning in to thisepisode of all our little
messes.
Please let us know how much youenjoyed it below and add any
(46:03):
questions you have about thisepisode.
Also, don't forget to follow uson patreon for amazing
exclusive perks, including earlyaccess to podcast episodes and
bonus episodes every month.
We've also recently added asupport group for all of our
paid patrons.
You could check us out onFacebook and Instagram for daily
(46:26):
updates and insights thatmirror podcast topics.
Thank you for listening andwe'll see you next week.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!