April 11, 2025 • 19 mins
Have you ever stood behind someone in the grocery store thinking they should put the divider between your groceries and theirs?
Or thought someone should turn off their fanny pack music blasting down the hiking trail right behind you?
Have you ever thought someone was watching too much TV? Not spending enough time with the kids? Following too closely behind your car on the freeway?
Yeah, me too. We all have.
These are all examples of the “Manuals” that we are all walking around with, inside our heads.
A manual is an instruction guide that we have in our heads for how other people are supposed to behave in order for us to be happy. The really wild thing about this manual business is that although our brains tell us that everyone around us is supposed to be living up to the rules in our heads, we never show the manual to them.
We are holding them accountable to it…but they never get to see it.
Another wild thing about all of this is that the premise of our manuals is that we think we would be happier if someone else changes their behavior. This just isn’t true, or when it is, it’s true for a hedonistic hot minute.
This causes us a ton of suffering, because we’re handing over the power of our happiness to someone else. But we can learn to see the manual for what it is, and we can learn to let it go.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
- How ridiculous manuals can be, via a pretty ridiculous morning story
- Examples of the manuals we have for people we don’t know, friends, and even our very closest relationships
- Why manuals suck your creative energy
- How different brains interpret the same interactions in oppositional ways
- The single best thing we can do to increase happiness for ourselves (spoiler: it has nothing to do with how young you look or how much money you make)
- A four step process to releasing your manuals for the people around you
- Choosing compatibility in friends and lovers makes manual work lighter
- How laughing at our own manuals for other people can help us let them go
How to connect with Marie:
- On the Web | The Local Bloom
- Instagram: @the.bloom.coach
- All Things Marie on LinkTree
JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take
all of your ideas for what youwant and we turn them into real
things.
I'm your host, certified CoachMarie McDonald.
Let's get into it.
Well, hello everybody, andwelcome to episode 122 of the
(00:35):
Bloom your Mind podcast.
Well, my friends, today I havea podcast episode that is on a
topic that I love so much, andI've been meaning to make an
episode for you about thisbecause it's so fundamental to
our happiness and well-being andto making ideas real in the
world.
And I've had this idea ofmaking this podcast for two
(00:59):
years, and I just have thefunniest example of it, which
made me finally make thisepisode.
And you know how much I love tomake fun of myself If you've
been listening to me for a while, you know that and so this is
an episode in which I get to dothat.
I'm going to tell you somethingawkward, which is that I just
paused our recording to take outmy Invisalign, because I have
(01:21):
Invisalign right now, and Iwonder if you can tell a
difference between how I wastalking and how I'm talking now.
Let me know if you can tell adifference, because I can't, all
right.
So here's the story.
I was in the kitchen and it wasfive in the morning Maybe
actually by this time it was 530in the morning.
(01:41):
I had this little glowingcandle in front of me and the
glowing candle was lighting upthese beautiful handmade coffee
cups that I use in the morningto make my coffee and make the
coffee for my husband, and I usethis little whiskey thing that
(02:02):
creates froth and I make somecoconutty oat milk to put in the
coffee and I use a Chemex pourover.
I really have this littleroutine that is very lovely for
me.
And my husband comes walkingout of the bathroom where he was
brushing his teeth and we'regoing to get ready to do a
workout.
It's like hit class andstretching and my husband turns
(02:28):
on the lights and starts doingthe dishes next to me and he's
scrubbing and he's doing dishesand there's bubbles you know
like bubbles and scrubbingnoises and my mind is just like
don't do the dishes, it's tooloud, and I just start feeling
like a little bit grumpy, but Idon't say anything yet because
(02:51):
I'm trying to be cool.
Then he's finished with thedishes and there's like the
clattering of the dishes andthen he walks into the other
room and he starts vacuuming thefloor and he's trying to get
the space really nice for usit's a concrete floor that we
made together and he's trying toget like the, the leaves that
(03:12):
the dogs and the childrenbrought in and out of the of the
house Right and he's trying toget them off the ground.
And again I have this annoyancecome up that's like, oh, why
vacuuming noise right now, soannoyed.
And then we go into our classand we go into the meditation
and I know I'm like trying tonot be weird, but I know that he
(03:34):
can feel a little bit ofannoyance.
I'm not as like jovial as usualand I'm just like shaking it
off a little bit.
And we go into our class andit's not like a big deal, but
usually I'm just real mellow andlike so blissed out early in
the morning.
So later on we talk about itand I'm like, hey, baby, I am
sorry for being weird about thenoises.
(03:56):
You're trying to vacuum andclean up the ground and I so
appreciate that.
And you're trying to do dishesto help, and I so appreciate
that, and you're trying to dodishes to help, and I just need
you to know that the morningtime for me is the one time that
I get to get up in the morningbefore anybody else and have it
be quiet and have the level ofstimulation be really low.
(04:20):
It's literally like the onlytime that my stimulation level
is low and I like to keep thelights low and I like to keep
the sound low and I like to keepit kind of meditative when I'm
up that early and I've alwaysbeen the only one up and so this
is my time and it's so preciousto me.
And he was like I totally getthat.
(04:42):
I'm not going to vacuum and I'mnot going to do dishes, I will
keep the lights low and do that.
And I said, yeah, we could justdo that stuff after.
Is that cool?
And he's like, oh, totally,that's totally cool and it was
so great.
And then a couple of days laterwe're like keeping the lights
low, everything's cool.
And then he starts talking tome about taxes at like five 30
(05:04):
in the morning and he startedasking me about calendaring and
I started getting grumpy again.
I started just getting thisfeeling of like no, not really
grumpy with him, but just likeplease, please, don't pull my
brain into the functioning worldwhen it's still my candlelight
chill time.
That usually is my only time.
And we had the sameconversation a little bit later
(05:28):
where I was like hey, sorry, Iknow you're just trying to start
for me weird, I know you'rejust trying to take care of
business and that early morningmeditative time it's really good
for my brain not only to havenot stimulation in like sound
and light, but also it's reallygood for me.
It's really important to me tohave that time be a time where
(05:49):
I'm not thinking about whatother people need and how I can
take care of them and how I canorganize stuff for them or get
them where they need or whatthey need, and I don't have to
think about stressful, likeoperational life stuff.
Think about stressful, likeoperational life stuff.
So can we also not do thatstuff until afterwards?
Because the whole rest of mylife I'm aware of other people
(06:12):
around me and like thinking,anticipating needs, and you know
like that's just part of my joband it's part of having kids is
just doing that stuff and so ifwe can keep that, that would be
so helpful for me, can keepthat, that would be so helpful
for me.
I had to tell him reallydirectly that what I need is to
not do.
Any of the fake stress of thelife of the real world, like the
(06:34):
taxes and the drop-offs and thepermission slips, like none of
that fake stress gets to comeinto my like half hour when I'm
a human in a body with like awarm cup in my hands and the
flame of a candle, and maybelike birds waking up outside and
I get to watch it go from darkto light outside.
It's my favorite thing.
And he was like oh, yeah, yeah,oh man, let's not talk about
(06:59):
that.
That's great, right.
But I had to tell him directlyin this story and I had to
remind myself that he can't readmy mind and I you might be
listening to this thinking well,of course you did.
I'm like, but you'll hear in alittle bit what I mean here I
had to overcome any internalcritic that I had, any internal
criticism of him being like whyare you going to make the noise?
(07:20):
Why are you going to talk aboutthe taxes?
Right, but also of myself.
So for me, I had to overcomethis internal voice that was
like why can't I just be cooland go with the flow?
This is his space too.
Why can't I just let him do histhing.
Why do I have to be uptightabout this?
Why do I have to have specialneeds around my coffee and my
(07:41):
special things?
You know, around lights.
He's trying to help.
He's trying to do dishes andvacuum and take care of stuff
and I've got this specific needand I had to be like, okay,
listen to that littleself-criticism and say, but in
reality, this is my space.
I always have woken up superearly and it's my chill space
(08:02):
and he's joining me now andthat's great, but I get to
communicate directly what I need.
How do I know he doesn't thinkI want him to be vacuuming the
ground, like who doesn't wantthat?
Probably I'm the only one thatdoesn't want that, but I don't.
I don't want that at five 30 inthe morning.
And once he knows specificallywhat I'm requesting, he can
(08:24):
either say, um, yeah, that'sweird and that's too much for me
to remember and I'm going backto bed, or he can say, okay, I'm
a hundred percent cool withthat.
Or he can say I'm cool with 80%of that, but here's the stuff
that I need you to bend on.
And I can be like, oh, okay,but what actually happened is
that he was so happy about it hedidn't want to be vacuuming or
(08:46):
doing dishes or talking abouttaxes.
He loves having that space too,and so I now have the best
mornings with my husband.
This morning, I literally hadtwo moments of just being like
thank you world, because I wasjust sitting next to him with a
candle between us, holding twocups of coffee for five still
(09:10):
minutes before we startedworking out together, watching
the sky start to lighten,hearing a couple birds, and just
had total gratitude.
That happened a couple timesthis morning, holding hands in
savasana, breathing a little bittogether before we start the
whole job of being co-parents inthe world, right?
(09:34):
So what this is is an exampleof what we like to call the
manual.
A manual is an instructionguide that we have in our heads
for how other people aresupposed to behave in order to
make us happy.
Think back to the story.
Do you hear all the littlerules I had?
The lights, the sounds, thevacuum, the birds, right Like.
(09:57):
I have this manual in my head ofwhat I want from him, and the
really funny thing about manualsis that we all have them for
everyone around us, and everyoneis supposed to be living up to
our manual, but usually we donot ever show them the manual.
We are holding them accountableto the rules in it, but they
(10:19):
never get to see it.
It's like they're playing agame that is keeping score but
no one ever gets to tell themthe rules.
They're like what's happening?
Am I winning or losing?
And the other really amazingthing is that the deeper a
relationship is that we havewith someone, the bigger the
rule book is for all thesituations that we have specific
(10:40):
expectations about how theybehave in All the things they
need to do.
So we can be happy.
That's how our brains work.
That manual gets bigger andbigger.
So if it's our primary partner,we probably do not have one
manual.
We probably have like anencyclopedia where they have to
like look up the topic by thevolume of the first letter of
that topic in order to reallyknow the rules.
(11:01):
Like examples might be, usingthe bathroom probably has a lot
of chapters for people ontoothpaste and toothbrushing and
knocking on doors and towelsand bath mats.
And we probably have wholemanuals on birthdays and
holidays, whole volumes bythemselves about gift giving and
(11:21):
what to do at the dinner tableand with family and how to
prepare correctly for one'sbirthday and anniversaries all
these things, right?
So just think of someone rightnow that you're really close to
and just think about what mightbe in your manual for them, all
the little things that are likethey should be doing things like
this.
And then think of someone thatyou're just only meeting for the
(11:43):
first time because you have amanual for them too.
In that manual are things likewhether they shake hands, smile,
hug, how long that hug is ifit's a side hug, whether they
make eye contact in that manual,or topics that are okay and not
okay, how serious theconversation gets and how fast
and how much they talk aboutthemselves versus ask questions
(12:06):
about you, right?
And then what about a person inthe grocery store?
We have manuals.
Should they hand you theseparator for the groceries when
you're checking out or not?
Do you get your own separator?
Should they make small talkwith you, or are groceries kind
of private, like how close canthey stand to you while you're
(12:26):
paying for groceries?
How close should anyone standto you?
For that matter?
You have manuals for that too.
So do I.
Should people have earphones in?
Should they talk loud or nottoo loud or only quietly?
Should they smile or not smileif they make eye contact with
you, should they write thank younotes, should they text you
back right away, should theylisten without interrupting.
(12:49):
Drop off soup when you're sick,watch a lot of shows.
Watch a lot of TV.
Not watch TV.
Spend time with kids, do morelaundry.
You get it.
We have manuals for everyone,depending on the type of
relationship that we have withthem.
So you get the point here.
The killer thing about all ofthis is that the premise of our
(13:10):
manuals is that we think wewould be happier if somebody
else will change their behavior,and it just causes us a ton of
suffering, which is why we'retalking about it, because we're
handing over the power of ourhappiness to someone else, and
it definitely just saps thejuice out of the ideas we're
trying to make real, becausewe're so focused on waiting for
(13:33):
other people to do thingsdifferently and do things right
so much of the time that wefocus way less of our energy on
our own actions, our own plansand our own movement towards
what we want.
Other people's behavior trulyonly has an impact on us if we
choose to let it.
No matter what others do or howthey act.
(13:53):
We get to determine how we feel, which is why the manuals don't
make that much sense.
The manual, if you remember,the premise of it is if others
act this way, I'll be happy.
So maybe, when I say otherpeople's behavior only has an
impact on us if we choose to letit, maybe you're like okay,
(14:14):
there are caveats there.
Of course we are not talkingabout actions that cause true
harm okay, physical harm, anykind of abuse, anything like
that.
Of course that is an outlier.
And let's take this exampleSomeone overreacts, they kind of
freak out in an unreasonableway and they yell, they raise
(14:35):
their voice and they say someunkind things about us.
When I say that other people'sbehavior only has an impact on
us if we choose to let it listento this, these are some
examples of how different peoplemight react on us.
If we choose to let it listento this.
These are some examples of howdifferent people might react.
One person would get reallyupset and really spin out at the
unfairness, maybe letting itwake them up in the middle of
(14:56):
the night, replaying theinteraction over and over again
and thinking about how unfair itwas that the other person acted
like that.
Yet another person would do thesame thing spinning, not being
able to let it go thinking aboutit all the time.
But they'd think what did I dowrong?
How could I have donedifferently?
What could I have donedifferently to make that not
(15:16):
happen?
It was my fault.
Someone else would be gratefulthat it happened, because they
know how the other person feelsand even though it was delivered
in a harsh way now they canmaybe work through it with them.
Yet another person would berelieved because they're glad
they saw that behavior andthey're not having it and
they're not spending any moretime with that person, because
one more person might have verylittle reaction except to know,
(15:39):
hey, this isn't about me and I'mnot a big fan of that, and
that's the other person'sjourney and they clearly need
space, so I'm not going to thinkabout that again unless they
come to me.
So truly, all differentreactions to the same behavior,
and that is within our control.
So the best thing that we canever learn for our own happiness
(16:00):
is to focus on what we cancontrol, to try to let go of the
manual for how we want otherpeople to behave in order to
make us happy as often as we can, because that's something we
can't control and focus back onwhat we can To start to learn
how to meet our own needs, makerequests of others and set
(16:22):
boundaries.
Those are two episodes that youcan listen to as follow-ups to
this Requests and Boundaries.
So here are four steps to workon manuals, and then I'm going
to share one more idea.
That's a little bit of a caveat.
Step one notice your manuals,and if that's all you do this
week, that is all right, becausenoticing is the biggest part of
(16:46):
all of it.
Right, because noticing is thebiggest part of all of it.
Step two notice how having thatmanual is making you give up
the power that you have overyour own happiness.
So if we're thinking about theexample that I gave about this
morning, that was me, you know,when I was grumpy, I was giving
up my own happiness because Ihad all these rules.
Step three take back your powerby taking ownership over your
(17:12):
own emotional reaction andinstead make some requests and
set some boundaries about what'sokay and not okay with other
people, while holding thatresponsibility for your own
emotional reaction.
And step four, of course, is togiggle a little bit, because
this stuff can be kind of funnywhen we let it be, when we
realize the awkwardness ofhaving a rule book for other
(17:33):
people that they don't get tohear or read or see.
It's kind of funny when wecatch ourselves in it.
Okay, the last thing, the caveatthat I wanted to say, is that,
while all of what I said intoday's episode I'd love for you
to try on as concepts, see whatyou think.
I think it's pretty true.
Stuff rings true for me in mylife.
What also rings true is beingwith a partner.
(17:56):
Friends, hanging out withpeople that are compatible and
have somewhat similar manuals toours can make things much
easier.
So, while we ultimately havecontrol over our own well-being,
let's make it as easy as we canfrom the get-go by finding
people that we don't actuallywant to change and by setting
(18:17):
boundaries around things thatwe're just not okay with.
All right.
So try on the four steps.
Don't forget the giggling part.
Notice your manuals.
I can't wait to hear what youfind out, and that is what I've
got for you today, and I willsee you next week.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you got to come
(18:46):
and join us in the Bloom Room.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you gotta come
and join us in the Bloom Room.
This is a year-round membershipwhere we take all of these
concepts and we apply them toreal life in a community where
we have each other's backs andwe bring out the best in each
other.
We're all there to make ourideas real, one idea at a time.
We'll see you in the bloom room.
Welcome to the Bloom your Mind Podcast, where we take
all of your ideas for what youwant and we turn them into real
things.
I'm your host, certified CoachMarie McDonald.
Let's get into it.
Well, hello everybody, andwelcome to episode 122 of the
(00:35):
Bloom your Mind podcast.
Well, my friends, today I havea podcast episode that is on a
topic that I love so much, andI've been meaning to make an
episode for you about thisbecause it's so fundamental to
our happiness and well-being andto making ideas real in the
world.
And I've had this idea ofmaking this podcast for two
(00:59):
years, and I just have thefunniest example of it, which
made me finally make thisepisode.
And you know how much I love tomake fun of myself If you've
been listening to me for a while, you know that and so this is
an episode in which I get to dothat.
I'm going to tell you somethingawkward, which is that I just
paused our recording to take outmy Invisalign, because I have
(01:21):
Invisalign right now, and Iwonder if you can tell a
difference between how I wastalking and how I'm talking now.
Let me know if you can tell adifference, because I can't, all
right.
So here's the story.
I was in the kitchen and it wasfive in the morning Maybe
actually by this time it was 530in the morning.
(01:41):
I had this little glowingcandle in front of me and the
glowing candle was lighting upthese beautiful handmade coffee
cups that I use in the morningto make my coffee and make the
coffee for my husband, and I usethis little whiskey thing that
(02:02):
creates froth and I make somecoconutty oat milk to put in the
coffee and I use a Chemex pourover.
I really have this littleroutine that is very lovely for
me.
And my husband comes walkingout of the bathroom where he was
brushing his teeth and we'regoing to get ready to do a
workout.
It's like hit class andstretching and my husband turns
(02:28):
on the lights and starts doingthe dishes next to me and he's
scrubbing and he's doing dishesand there's bubbles you know
like bubbles and scrubbingnoises and my mind is just like
don't do the dishes, it's tooloud, and I just start feeling
like a little bit grumpy, but Idon't say anything yet because
(02:51):
I'm trying to be cool.
Then he's finished with thedishes and there's like the
clattering of the dishes andthen he walks into the other
room and he starts vacuuming thefloor and he's trying to get
the space really nice for usit's a concrete floor that we
made together and he's trying toget like the, the leaves that
(03:12):
the dogs and the childrenbrought in and out of the of the
house Right and he's trying toget them off the ground.
And again I have this annoyancecome up that's like, oh, why
vacuuming noise right now, soannoyed.
And then we go into our classand we go into the meditation
and I know I'm like trying tonot be weird, but I know that he
(03:34):
can feel a little bit ofannoyance.
I'm not as like jovial as usualand I'm just like shaking it
off a little bit.
And we go into our class andit's not like a big deal, but
usually I'm just real mellow andlike so blissed out early in
the morning.
So later on we talk about itand I'm like, hey, baby, I am
sorry for being weird about thenoises.
(03:56):
You're trying to vacuum andclean up the ground and I so
appreciate that.
And you're trying to do dishesto help, and I so appreciate
that, and you're trying to dodishes to help, and I just need
you to know that the morningtime for me is the one time that
I get to get up in the morningbefore anybody else and have it
be quiet and have the level ofstimulation be really low.
(04:20):
It's literally like the onlytime that my stimulation level
is low and I like to keep thelights low and I like to keep
the sound low and I like to keepit kind of meditative when I'm
up that early and I've alwaysbeen the only one up and so this
is my time and it's so preciousto me.
And he was like I totally getthat.
(04:42):
I'm not going to vacuum and I'mnot going to do dishes, I will
keep the lights low and do that.
And I said, yeah, we could justdo that stuff after.
Is that cool?
And he's like, oh, totally,that's totally cool and it was
so great.
And then a couple of days laterwe're like keeping the lights
low, everything's cool.
And then he starts talking tome about taxes at like five 30
(05:04):
in the morning and he startedasking me about calendaring and
I started getting grumpy again.
I started just getting thisfeeling of like no, not really
grumpy with him, but just likeplease, please, don't pull my
brain into the functioning worldwhen it's still my candlelight
chill time.
That usually is my only time.
And we had the sameconversation a little bit later
(05:28):
where I was like hey, sorry, Iknow you're just trying to start
for me weird, I know you'rejust trying to take care of
business and that early morningmeditative time it's really good
for my brain not only to havenot stimulation in like sound
and light, but also it's reallygood for me.
It's really important to me tohave that time be a time where
(05:49):
I'm not thinking about whatother people need and how I can
take care of them and how I canorganize stuff for them or get
them where they need or whatthey need, and I don't have to
think about stressful, likeoperational life stuff.
Think about stressful, likeoperational life stuff.
So can we also not do thatstuff until afterwards?
Because the whole rest of mylife I'm aware of other people
(06:12):
around me and like thinking,anticipating needs, and you know
like that's just part of my joband it's part of having kids is
just doing that stuff and so ifwe can keep that, that would be
so helpful for me, can keepthat, that would be so helpful
for me.
I had to tell him reallydirectly that what I need is to
not do.
Any of the fake stress of thelife of the real world, like the
(06:34):
taxes and the drop-offs and thepermission slips, like none of
that fake stress gets to comeinto my like half hour when I'm
a human in a body with like awarm cup in my hands and the
flame of a candle, and maybelike birds waking up outside and
I get to watch it go from darkto light outside.
It's my favorite thing.
And he was like oh, yeah, yeah,oh man, let's not talk about
(06:59):
that.
That's great, right.
But I had to tell him directlyin this story and I had to
remind myself that he can't readmy mind and I you might be
listening to this thinking well,of course you did.
I'm like, but you'll hear in alittle bit what I mean here I
had to overcome any internalcritic that I had, any internal
criticism of him being like whyare you going to make the noise?
(07:20):
Why are you going to talk aboutthe taxes?
Right, but also of myself.
So for me, I had to overcomethis internal voice that was
like why can't I just be cooland go with the flow?
This is his space too.
Why can't I just let him do histhing.
Why do I have to be uptightabout this?
Why do I have to have specialneeds around my coffee and my
(07:41):
special things?
You know, around lights.
He's trying to help.
He's trying to do dishes andvacuum and take care of stuff
and I've got this specific needand I had to be like, okay,
listen to that littleself-criticism and say, but in
reality, this is my space.
I always have woken up superearly and it's my chill space
(08:02):
and he's joining me now andthat's great, but I get to
communicate directly what I need.
How do I know he doesn't thinkI want him to be vacuuming the
ground, like who doesn't wantthat?
Probably I'm the only one thatdoesn't want that, but I don't.
I don't want that at five 30 inthe morning.
And once he knows specificallywhat I'm requesting, he can
(08:24):
either say, um, yeah, that'sweird and that's too much for me
to remember and I'm going backto bed, or he can say, okay, I'm
a hundred percent cool withthat.
Or he can say I'm cool with 80%of that, but here's the stuff
that I need you to bend on.
And I can be like, oh, okay,but what actually happened is
that he was so happy about it hedidn't want to be vacuuming or
(08:46):
doing dishes or talking abouttaxes.
He loves having that space too,and so I now have the best
mornings with my husband.
This morning, I literally hadtwo moments of just being like
thank you world, because I wasjust sitting next to him with a
candle between us, holding twocups of coffee for five still
(09:10):
minutes before we startedworking out together, watching
the sky start to lighten,hearing a couple birds, and just
had total gratitude.
That happened a couple timesthis morning, holding hands in
savasana, breathing a little bittogether before we start the
whole job of being co-parents inthe world, right?
(09:34):
So what this is is an exampleof what we like to call the
manual.
A manual is an instructionguide that we have in our heads
for how other people aresupposed to behave in order to
make us happy.
Think back to the story.
Do you hear all the littlerules I had?
The lights, the sounds, thevacuum, the birds, right Like.
(09:57):
I have this manual in my head ofwhat I want from him, and the
really funny thing about manualsis that we all have them for
everyone around us, and everyoneis supposed to be living up to
our manual, but usually we donot ever show them the manual.
We are holding them accountableto the rules in it, but they
(10:19):
never get to see it.
It's like they're playing agame that is keeping score but
no one ever gets to tell themthe rules.
They're like what's happening?
Am I winning or losing?
And the other really amazingthing is that the deeper a
relationship is that we havewith someone, the bigger the
rule book is for all thesituations that we have specific
(10:40):
expectations about how theybehave in All the things they
need to do.
So we can be happy.
That's how our brains work.
That manual gets bigger andbigger.
So if it's our primary partner,we probably do not have one
manual.
We probably have like anencyclopedia where they have to
like look up the topic by thevolume of the first letter of
that topic in order to reallyknow the rules.
(11:01):
Like examples might be, usingthe bathroom probably has a lot
of chapters for people ontoothpaste and toothbrushing and
knocking on doors and towelsand bath mats.
And we probably have wholemanuals on birthdays and
holidays, whole volumes bythemselves about gift giving and
(11:21):
what to do at the dinner tableand with family and how to
prepare correctly for one'sbirthday and anniversaries all
these things, right?
So just think of someone rightnow that you're really close to
and just think about what mightbe in your manual for them, all
the little things that are likethey should be doing things like
this.
And then think of someone thatyou're just only meeting for the
(11:43):
first time because you have amanual for them too.
In that manual are things likewhether they shake hands, smile,
hug, how long that hug is ifit's a side hug, whether they
make eye contact in that manual,or topics that are okay and not
okay, how serious theconversation gets and how fast
and how much they talk aboutthemselves versus ask questions
(12:06):
about you, right?
And then what about a person inthe grocery store?
We have manuals.
Should they hand you theseparator for the groceries when
you're checking out or not?
Do you get your own separator?
Should they make small talkwith you, or are groceries kind
of private, like how close canthey stand to you while you're
(12:26):
paying for groceries?
How close should anyone standto you?
For that matter?
You have manuals for that too.
So do I.
Should people have earphones in?
Should they talk loud or nottoo loud or only quietly?
Should they smile or not smileif they make eye contact with
you, should they write thank younotes, should they text you
back right away, should theylisten without interrupting.
(12:49):
Drop off soup when you're sick,watch a lot of shows.
Watch a lot of TV.
Not watch TV.
Spend time with kids, do morelaundry.
You get it.
We have manuals for everyone,depending on the type of
relationship that we have withthem.
So you get the point here.
The killer thing about all ofthis is that the premise of our
(13:10):
manuals is that we think wewould be happier if somebody
else will change their behavior,and it just causes us a ton of
suffering, which is why we'retalking about it, because we're
handing over the power of ourhappiness to someone else, and
it definitely just saps thejuice out of the ideas we're
trying to make real, becausewe're so focused on waiting for
(13:33):
other people to do thingsdifferently and do things right
so much of the time that wefocus way less of our energy on
our own actions, our own plansand our own movement towards
what we want.
Other people's behavior trulyonly has an impact on us if we
choose to let it.
No matter what others do or howthey act.
(13:53):
We get to determine how we feel, which is why the manuals don't
make that much sense.
The manual, if you remember,the premise of it is if others
act this way, I'll be happy.
So maybe, when I say otherpeople's behavior only has an
impact on us if we choose to letit, maybe you're like okay,
(14:14):
there are caveats there.
Of course we are not talkingabout actions that cause true
harm okay, physical harm, anykind of abuse, anything like
that.
Of course that is an outlier.
And let's take this exampleSomeone overreacts, they kind of
freak out in an unreasonableway and they yell, they raise
(14:35):
their voice and they say someunkind things about us.
When I say that other people'sbehavior only has an impact on
us if we choose to let it listento this, these are some
examples of how different peoplemight react on us.
If we choose to let it listento this.
These are some examples of howdifferent people might react.
One person would get reallyupset and really spin out at the
unfairness, maybe letting itwake them up in the middle of
(14:56):
the night, replaying theinteraction over and over again
and thinking about how unfair itwas that the other person acted
like that.
Yet another person would do thesame thing spinning, not being
able to let it go thinking aboutit all the time.
But they'd think what did I dowrong?
How could I have donedifferently?
What could I have donedifferently to make that not
(15:16):
happen?
It was my fault.
Someone else would be gratefulthat it happened, because they
know how the other person feelsand even though it was delivered
in a harsh way now they canmaybe work through it with them.
Yet another person would berelieved because they're glad
they saw that behavior andthey're not having it and
they're not spending any moretime with that person, because
one more person might have verylittle reaction except to know,
(15:39):
hey, this isn't about me and I'mnot a big fan of that, and
that's the other person'sjourney and they clearly need
space, so I'm not going to thinkabout that again unless they
come to me.
So truly, all differentreactions to the same behavior,
and that is within our control.
So the best thing that we canever learn for our own happiness
(16:00):
is to focus on what we cancontrol, to try to let go of the
manual for how we want otherpeople to behave in order to
make us happy as often as we can, because that's something we
can't control and focus back onwhat we can To start to learn
how to meet our own needs, makerequests of others and set
(16:22):
boundaries.
Those are two episodes that youcan listen to as follow-ups to
this Requests and Boundaries.
So here are four steps to workon manuals, and then I'm going
to share one more idea.
That's a little bit of a caveat.
Step one notice your manuals,and if that's all you do this
week, that is all right, becausenoticing is the biggest part of
(16:46):
all of it.
Right, because noticing is thebiggest part of all of it.
Step two notice how having thatmanual is making you give up
the power that you have overyour own happiness.
So if we're thinking about theexample that I gave about this
morning, that was me, you know,when I was grumpy, I was giving
up my own happiness because Ihad all these rules.
Step three take back your powerby taking ownership over your
(17:12):
own emotional reaction andinstead make some requests and
set some boundaries about what'sokay and not okay with other
people, while holding thatresponsibility for your own
emotional reaction.
And step four, of course, is togiggle a little bit, because
this stuff can be kind of funnywhen we let it be, when we
realize the awkwardness ofhaving a rule book for other
(17:33):
people that they don't get tohear or read or see.
It's kind of funny when wecatch ourselves in it.
Okay, the last thing, the caveatthat I wanted to say, is that,
while all of what I said intoday's episode I'd love for you
to try on as concepts, see whatyou think.
I think it's pretty true.
Stuff rings true for me in mylife.
What also rings true is beingwith a partner.
(17:56):
Friends, hanging out withpeople that are compatible and
have somewhat similar manuals toours can make things much
easier.
So, while we ultimately havecontrol over our own well-being,
let's make it as easy as we canfrom the get-go by finding
people that we don't actuallywant to change and by setting
(18:17):
boundaries around things thatwe're just not okay with.
All right.
So try on the four steps.
Don't forget the giggling part.
Notice your manuals.
I can't wait to hear what youfind out, and that is what I've
got for you today, and I willsee you next week.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you got to come
(18:46):
and join us in the Bloom Room.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you gotta come
and join us in the Bloom Room.
This is a year-round membershipwhere we take all of these
concepts and we apply them toreal life in a community where
we have each other's backs andwe bring out the best in each
other.
We're all there to make ourideas real, one idea at a time.
We'll see you in the bloom room.
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