October 10, 2025 • 23 mins
This week’s episode dives into something we all experience but rarely talk about— embracing all of our weird social reactions. The feelings that rise up when we’re around other people: self-doubt, comparison, superiority, inferiority, grasping, withdrawing, fixing, or trying to prove ourselves.
The idea for this episode came to me at a women’s retreat I attended with my daughter, led by facilitator Katie Dove, whose words always stop me in my tracks. Her insights about power dynamics and emotional patterns sparked a question I couldn’t stop thinking about: What if, instead of rejecting our social reactions, we just noticed them?
When we put our ideas out into the world—when we share, create, or contribute—we inevitably encounter others, and in doing so, we also encounter ourselves. When we have an idea we really care about, we can expect our brains to do all kinds of squirmy gymnastics to avoid judgment. Today we’ll think about how to embrace that wiggly brain, and refocus it on what matters
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
Where our automatic social reactions—feeling superior, inferior, excluded, or judgmental come from.
- The difference between power over (superiority, condescension, fixing) and power under (people-pleasing, grasping, shutting down).
- Where you can expect power over, power under, and power with to show up in the Regenerative Design Cycle
- Why suppressing or acting out these reactions keeps the power dynamic stuck, looping in our own body and in our interactions with others—and what we can do instead.
- How to pause, notice, and allow your social reactions to move through you, so you can respond with intention instead of habit, and keep putting new ideas out there without fear that someone’s stink eye will make you throw in the towel.
- How this practice leads to regenerative energy—fueling authenticity, empathy, and creativity.
When we stop judging our social power reactions and simply let them move through us, we regain choice. We become more empathetic, more grounded, and more aligned with our true selves. That’s when our relationships strengthen, our ideas flow, and our contributions expand.
Your Invitation This Week
Notice your own social reactions. When do you feel “better than”? When do you feel “less than”? What thoughts create those feelings, and how do you act from them? Just notice—without judgment. Let it all move through you, and then decide how you want to think, feel, and act.
Notice your reactions to putting ideas out there. Are you afraid of what people will think? Nervous they won’t want to be a part of it? Worried they won’t think you can do it?
When you can pause your reaction and steer it where you want it to go, you become unstoppable. The world needs your ideas—and the authentic, grounded you behind them, more than ever.
Mentioned in this episode:
Katie Dove — Women’s facilitator and retreat leader in San Diego
How to connect with Marie:
- On the Web | The Local Bloom
- Instagram: @the.bloom.coach
- All Things Marie on LinkTree
JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:08):
Welcome to the Blue in Your Mind Podcast, where we
take all of your ideas for whatyou want and we turn them into
real things.
I'm your host, certified coachMarie McDonald.
Let's get into it.
Well, hello, my friends, andwelcome to episode number 147 of
(00:33):
the Bloom Your Mind podcast.
As I look out my window, I seesome creepy spooky ghosts
blowing in the wind hanging frommy tree in the front yard.
It is October when I amrecording this.
And so we have our Halloweendecorations out front.
My son is a big fan.
(00:54):
He starts wanting them up inSeptember, like September 1st.
Actually, he started asking inAugust.
So if you're listening to thisin like the springtime or
something, I'm sorry.
But I want to start withsomething spooky today, which is
a great conversation starter atany time of the year.
(01:16):
I was actually on a spring breaktrip with my friend.
My husband and I and our kidswere on a ski trip with our good
friend.
And he asked us this question aswe were all making breakfast
together in the kitchen of theAirbnb, and we laughed really
hard.
And I was just laughing about itthis morning and thinking you
all might like it.
So here's the question that heasked us What is one quality or
(01:41):
habit that you have that's likea serial killer trait?
And you know, if that's toointense, just what's your
creepiest quality?
What's one thing that you do ora habit that's like normal to
you, but maybe creepy toeverybody else?
(02:02):
He said, my friend who is makingmaking breakfast with us said
that he kind of smells peoplewhen they walk past, which
really made me laugh.
And I believe him that he doesit.
I mean, I kind of smell peopletoo, but like I just pictured
Hannibal Lecter or somethingleaning his head back.
But my friend wears Aloha shirtsand is super styly with long
(02:23):
blonde hair, so it was extrafunny to imagine him just
smelling people as they walkpast.
And then I answered it and I waslike, oh yeah, I know exactly
what mine are.
First, I sometimes imaginemyself animating other people's
bodies, and that sounds socreepy.
But like if I can't relate tosomeone or I don't empathize
(02:45):
automatically, which is notnatural for me, I like to kind
of like put myself in theirshoes by thinking about what I
would feel like if I had theirbody language.
So I just think like if I wereanimating their body and I my
body language was like theirbody language is right now, how
would it feel?
How would I be feeling?
And it feels like I canunderstand them a little bit
(03:07):
better or empathize or putmyself in their literal shoes.
But it sounds so creepy when Isay it.
Also, I front my fridge foodlike it's a grocery store.
Cause I don't I lose my appetiteif food doesn't look good.
I don't want to eat it.
So I put everything in rows andit's like fronted in jars and
(03:27):
it's all fresh looking.
And I live with three otherpeople, and two of them are
children.
So I'm like constantly frontingmy fridge.
Can you imagine how annoyingthat is?
And we have a lot of houseguests too.
So I'm fronting things, I'm likefluffing stuff, and it does not
annoy me.
It delights me.
But I was just thinking abouthow weird it is for my kids to
have lived their whole lives sofar, thinking it's normal to do
(03:50):
that with a refrigerator.
And don't even ask about mypantry.
It's like the scene fromsleeping with the enemy, that
80s Julia Roberts movie, My PoorKids.
Oops.
So, what is your serial killerslash just creepy trait?
Please, if you have contactinformation for me, send it my
(04:11):
way, whether it is October whenyou were listening to this or
not.
That's kind of a fun intro, huh?
Random, but fun.
All right.
So today we're gonna talk aboutsomething that I have been
thinking about for a long timeand that came up this past
weekend, and that directlyrelates to making your ideas
(04:34):
real, putting your ideas outthere and experiencing the part
of that process that feels likea reflection of you.
You know, like we have big egos,our brains are constantly making
everything about us.
We have to stay really consciousto remind ourselves it's not
about me.
It's not about me, it's notabout me when we're doing new
(04:55):
things, when we're puttingourselves out there pretty much
all the time, actually.
But there's a specific way thatI want to talk about this
showing up for us.
So I'll tell you that this pastweekend, I took my daughter, who
is turning 13 the week afternext, to a women's retreat.
Now, I have been taking her outto this women's retreat.
(05:15):
It's about an hour east, soalmost into the desert from
where I live.
And I've been taking her to thisretreat since she was about five
or six years old.
Because I had my second childwhen she was four, and it was
like a year, year and a half,two years into it, and I just
missed her, you know, becausethe baby was taking all my
energy and wanted me all thetime.
And I just missed my girl.
(05:37):
And so I took her out there forthis weekend of just she and me
time.
So she could have all myattention and I could just, you
know, reconnect to my girl.
This weekend, at 13 years old,she went to the women's only
version for the first time.
So they have two versions ofthis retreat every year.
(05:59):
One is in the spring and it'smothers, and they can bring
children and it's sisters andgrandmothers, it's anybody.
And then in the fall, no kidsare allowed.
So it was like a big deal forus.
We've been going for so long.
When we first went out there, inwhatever years that was 2017,
2018, whatever that was, wedidn't know anyone, zero people.
(06:20):
And now the owners of that landand the directors of that
retreat center are some of ourbest friends, best, best
friends.
And so it's like very meaningfulto us to see her.
And to me, it was amazing to seeher participate in discussions
as a young woman.
And she and I being together wasso special.
It's just amazing.
So there's a facilitator there.
(06:40):
You know, lots happens.
We sit in hot tubs, we go onhikes, we do have discussions,
we have meals, we do all kindsof things out there.
But there's a facilitator thatcomes each time to this women
retreat.
And her name is Katie Dove.
She's a woman who speaks atthese events and who runs these
women's experiences at theseevents and in San Diego.
(07:02):
She's one of those speakers.
I mean, you gotta know I love aspeaker, right?
But she's one of those wherewhen she speaks, I want to write
down every word she says and Iwant to read them over and over.
I want to like take a bath inthe ideas that she talks about.
So weird.
You know, like when you hear aspeaker that just resonates so
(07:23):
much with you, you just want towrite down everything they say.
I want to remember it.
I really have to fight theimpulse to take notes the whole
time and just kind of be thereand let myself soak it up.
So she always shares thesereally powerful ideas about us
as human beings.
She focuses on us as women andas women, what our social
(07:46):
reactions to one another tend tobe and how we can become aware
of them.
And I think all of this, to me,all of this applies to all of
us, not just women.
Maybe particularly you can applyit to women.
You could probably do that toany group, actually.
Um, really think about how itapplies to you.
And what we're talking abouttoday is where the reason we're
(08:10):
talking about this is when weare making ideas real, we not
only encounter new levels ofourselves, new understandings
about ourselves, new adventureswith ourselves, right?
Like we have to expand our theway that we think about
ourselves, our self-concept, weexperience new levels of
self-doubt.
(08:31):
But when we put our ideas outthere, we also experience other
people in new ways.
So if you're looking at theregenerative design process, if
you've been with me for a bitand you know that process,
there's the vision stage wherewe're envisioning our idea, and
there's all the mental dramathat comes in that stage.
(08:52):
Will I be able to do it?
Who am I to think I can do this?
I don't know if anyone will likethis idea, that envisioning
piece.
Do I know how?
Why do I think I could do this?
I've never done this before.
All of the stuff that comes upin that envisioning part of the
design thinking process.
And then we go into theiteration phase, which is the
second phase out of three in thein the regenerative design
(09:15):
process.
And in that iteration phase, wehave all the parts that come out
there when we are testing andfailing and redesigning.
We are failing forward, failinglike we mean it, all the things
that come up there, which islike I knew it wouldn't work, I
should never have tried this.
I'm embarrassed to for otherpeople to see my fail.
What does this mean about myidea?
And we have to be ready as weput ideas out into the world.
(09:37):
We have to be ready for ourbrains to do that.
Nothing has gone wrong here.
You can study all of the peoplewho have succeeded in making
their ideas real, and they allwill tell you we have to work
through our brains giving us,offering us those thoughts and
those feelings.
But then when we get throughthose two initial stages in the
(09:58):
regenerative design process, weget to the third stage, which is
celebration and sharing.
So at that share stage, we aregonna encounter other people.
And maybe at the two stagesbefore as well, depending on our
idea and how we're handling it.
We're gonna encounter others andencounter our reactions to how
(10:19):
we just feel by putting ourideas out where someone can see
them.
So when we put our ideas outthere and we're encountering
other people's reactions, we'regonna have a response.
We might feel inferior.
Those types of thoughts come upwhen we put an idea out there.
Those thoughts might sound likedo they like my idea?
Maybe they don't like it.
(10:39):
Do they think it's dumb?
Do they not get it?
Do they think it's unrealistic?
Do they not want me to be a partof whatever this thing is?
Are they ambivalent?
What does any of this mean aboutme?
Or maybe we feel superior.
Maybe our idea is a knockout andeverybody loves it and they
praise us.
They want it.
Maybe feelings of superioritycome up because of what we're
(11:03):
doing, because we're successful.
Maybe we feel better thanothers.
Maybe we get really attached tothat status of success and we're
afraid to lose it after that.
So it makes us stay a little bitstuck in the thing that has been
successful so far.
Well, let's break down what wedo with these supernormal human
(11:23):
reactions of inferiority andsuperiority and what we can do
with them that's much morehelpful than what our natural
reaction is.
So when we're in socialenvironments, when we're in the
same spaces, reactions come upthat are often related to power
dynamics.
We just talked about superiorityand inferiority in relation to
our idea being out there.
(11:45):
But let's just rewind and thinkabout going into any social
setting, into a workenvironment, a social
environment, a party, acommunity, a school environment,
whatever it is.
We have often have one of twotypes of reactions.
We have a superiority or a powerover feeling.
(12:05):
That might come in the form of afeeling of condescension or
disinterest, or a desire to helpand fix instead of seeing the
people around us as fullycapable and intact in
themselves.
Even that desire to fix someoneis a form of superiority.
Or we might have feelings ofpower under or inferiority.
(12:26):
We might feel excluded or leftout.
We might try to people please.
We might have that graspy,grabby energy, or we might shut
down and just isolate.
We might assume disinterest onthe part of other people.
And all of that, again, isnormal as pack animals.
What we do with it though is upto us.
(12:49):
Because our natural reaction,whether we're talking about a
social situation or we'retalking about putting an idea
out there, is to do one of twothings.
It's either to suppress it or tofuse with it.
So if we fuse with it, we act itout.
We roll with it, we become it,which is one way of not actually
(13:11):
feeling it.
We're letting it drive the bus.
We're letting it drive us.
We are not pausing and noticingour reaction.
We are becoming the feelingreaction that we have.
So that might look like ignoringor overlooking or rejecting
someone when in our bodylanguage and our actions, if we
have that feeling ofsuperiority, turning away.
(13:35):
Or trying to swoop in and giveadvice or to help or to save.
Try to tell people what youthink that they should do, even
when it was unsolicited.
Or we push it down because wewant to reject it, which is a
way of not actually feeling ittoo.
And that might look likerejecting that feeling of
inferiority and maybe evenjudging ourselves super hard for
(13:58):
even having the feeling, thenacting it out through being
graspy or pursuant or aloof anddisinterested or really shut
down and cold.
So you can just take a momentnow to reflect when does this
show up for you?
How does it show up for you?
(14:18):
What are the different socialenvironments, work environments
that you're in?
And what are the automaticfeelings that pop up for you?
Be really honest with yourself.
No judgment.
We're pack animals, they showup.
When do you experience theseelements of inferiority or
superiority?
Maybe you have an idea that youput out there, something new,
(14:40):
something that you've tried tocreate, an idea you've tried to
make real in the world.
Maybe it's a habit you try tochange in your own body or life.
Maybe it's a relationship, maybeit's a tangible idea like a book
or community group.
When have you put something outthere and then had your own
feelings of inferiority orsuperiority?
(15:03):
Reflect on that.
And here's what I want to offer.
I want to offer a different way,a different mode for us to go
into when we see ourselves havethese reactions.
What I want to invite you to tryis to literally be with what is
there.
(15:24):
Without judgment, just noticethe power dynamic that comes up
in you.
The response to others.
Just sit with it.
You're not wrong for having it,and you're not right.
Do you want it?
I don't know.
Just sit with it.
Let it run through your systemwithout judgment.
(15:45):
Be with the condescension or theexclusion or whatever it is that
comes up in you.
And then once you let it runthrough you without judging it,
it is not right or wrong.
Only our thinking can make itright or wrong.
When we just let it run throughus, then what happens?
(16:10):
When we stop rejecting our ownresponses, they run through us
like a wave, and then we get ourchoice back.
We get to choose how we want toreact.
We get out of the trap of fusingwith the emotion and acting out
our immediate response, which isusually like from old
programming and not the way wewant to be.
(16:32):
Like, I don't know how manypeople would be like, I want to
act condescending, I want to actcold, I want to exclude people,
or I want to shy away and peopleplease and be graspy.
Like who wants that, right?
But we will act them out onourselves or other people unless
(16:53):
we allow them to run through us.
So just without judgment, let itrun through you like a wave.
Then we get to choose how wewant to react.
We can be with what comes upinside of us, that 95% of what
comes up that's automatic.
And let it pass through us.
And then it opens up thequestion.
Well, how do I want to react?
(17:14):
That was the automatic thought.
That was the social programming.
That was the programming fromwhenever, probably when I was
somewhere between zero and sevenyears old.
But how do I want to act?
How do I want to feel?
And when we allow thatnon-judgment in ourselves, we
are more empathetic with otherswho are putting ideas out there.
We are more empathetic withothers who have some form of
(17:36):
superiority or inferiority thatpops up in them.
We're more clean in ourresponses.
We're more true to ourselves.
And most importantly, we actlike who we want to act like
instead of replaying the oldcrap.
And we have way more energy forour idea to become real, to put
into our ideas.
(17:59):
Our responses from others aremore positive as we try to make
our ideas real, because we'remanaging our own nonverbal
communication.
Right?
Because we are managing our ownemotions of inferiority or
superiority, letting them passthrough us instead of acting
them out and having this reallylike muddy behavior with other
(18:20):
people where they're like,something feels off.
I don't know, something'sgetting worked out here.
And this, the way this person isacting or speaking, when we can
process our own social feelingsfirst, then we come across real
clean and we get great responsesfrom other people.
We also have more regenerativeenergy that feeds back to us
instead of taking from usbecause we're not wasting our
(18:44):
energy on these social powerconstructs that are not real.
We're more authentic asourselves out in the world,
having authentic exchanges withothers, which creates way more
connection.
And we can iterate way moresuccessfully.
And we know that iteration is aprerequisite to making your idea
(19:06):
real.
Why can we iterate moresuccessfully?
Because we're not fearingjudgment.
We're not in that inferioritycycle or blinded by our own
success and unable to let go ofthe label of being successful,
right?
We can just let go of thosesuperiority and inferiority
feelings, the power over orpower under.
(19:27):
And instead, we can lean intopower with power with other
people.
We can lean into iteration, toletting feedback come in, not
taking it personally, not likeletting it break us down or
letting us feel like we've justaccomplished everything.
We don't have to do anythingelse.
(19:50):
That feedback will actuallyimprove our idea through
iteration instead of us makingit about us.
So all these things get us outof our own way.
Let us enjoy the process ofputting our ideas into the world
and just the process of being ahuman with other humans because
we're softer and gentler withour own human selves.
And ultimately, that makes us somuch more successful at making
(20:13):
our ideas real.
So this week, notice what yoursocial reactions are to the
people around you.
What are they?
I want to know.
When do you feel superior?
When do you feel better than?
When do you feel inferior orless than?
Here's some questions for you.
What are the circumstances thatmake you feel that way?
What are the thoughts you'rethinking about that circumstance
(20:34):
that make you feel inferior orsuperior?
When you have that feeling, howdo you act?
Do you like it?
Do you like how you're acting?
What are the results that youget when you act like that?
They probably prove the thingthat you're thinking.
And just accept it.
Accept all that.
Embrace it.
Laugh about it, maybe.
(20:56):
Be compassionate with what isthere because most of it was
socially programmed in, anyways.
Let it be what it is.
Accept yourself.
And then you'll let it passthrough you with love and
support and compassion and maybeeven neutrality.
Because you didn't teachyourself to feel that way.
You were socialized somehow tofeel it, and it's not your
fault, but it is your choicenow.
(21:18):
Do you want to keep feeling andthinking and acting that way?
Do you like it?
If not, how do you want to actand feel and think?
Notice the changes when you justlet yourself accept whatever
your response is and just bewith it.
Let it pass, take the reinsback.
Because when you do, you areunstoppable.
I've seen it, I have felt it, Ihave been it, I have coached it
(21:41):
time and time again.
You can make anything happenwhen you can pause and allow
these thoughts and feelings tobe separate from you.
You can create anything when youlearn to pause your immediate
reaction without judgment andsteer it instead where you want
it to go.
(22:02):
That allows you to make yourideas real, and the world needs
your ideas.
So let's pause this week andjust see what happens when we
notice without judgment andallow what is in relation to
power over, power under, andmaking space for power with.
(22:22):
That's what I've got for youthis week, my friends, and I
will see you next week.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you gotta come
and join us in the Bloom Room.
This is a year-round membershipwhere we take all of these
(22:44):
concepts and we apply them toreal life in a community where
we have each other's backs andwe bring out the best in each
other.
We're all there to make ourideas real.
One idea at a time.
Welcome to the Blue in Your Mind Podcast, where we
take all of your ideas for whatyou want and we turn them into
real things.
I'm your host, certified coachMarie McDonald.
Let's get into it.
Well, hello, my friends, andwelcome to episode number 147 of
(00:33):
the Bloom Your Mind podcast.
As I look out my window, I seesome creepy spooky ghosts
blowing in the wind hanging frommy tree in the front yard.
It is October when I amrecording this.
And so we have our Halloweendecorations out front.
My son is a big fan.
(00:54):
He starts wanting them up inSeptember, like September 1st.
Actually, he started asking inAugust.
So if you're listening to thisin like the springtime or
something, I'm sorry.
But I want to start withsomething spooky today, which is
a great conversation starter atany time of the year.
(01:16):
I was actually on a spring breaktrip with my friend.
My husband and I and our kidswere on a ski trip with our good
friend.
And he asked us this question aswe were all making breakfast
together in the kitchen of theAirbnb, and we laughed really
hard.
And I was just laughing about itthis morning and thinking you
all might like it.
So here's the question that heasked us What is one quality or
(01:41):
habit that you have that's likea serial killer trait?
And you know, if that's toointense, just what's your
creepiest quality?
What's one thing that you do ora habit that's like normal to
you, but maybe creepy toeverybody else?
(02:02):
He said, my friend who is makingmaking breakfast with us said
that he kind of smells peoplewhen they walk past, which
really made me laugh.
And I believe him that he doesit.
I mean, I kind of smell peopletoo, but like I just pictured
Hannibal Lecter or somethingleaning his head back.
But my friend wears Aloha shirtsand is super styly with long
(02:23):
blonde hair, so it was extrafunny to imagine him just
smelling people as they walkpast.
And then I answered it and I waslike, oh yeah, I know exactly
what mine are.
First, I sometimes imaginemyself animating other people's
bodies, and that sounds socreepy.
But like if I can't relate tosomeone or I don't empathize
(02:45):
automatically, which is notnatural for me, I like to kind
of like put myself in theirshoes by thinking about what I
would feel like if I had theirbody language.
So I just think like if I wereanimating their body and I my
body language was like theirbody language is right now, how
would it feel?
How would I be feeling?
And it feels like I canunderstand them a little bit
(03:07):
better or empathize or putmyself in their literal shoes.
But it sounds so creepy when Isay it.
Also, I front my fridge foodlike it's a grocery store.
Cause I don't I lose my appetiteif food doesn't look good.
I don't want to eat it.
So I put everything in rows andit's like fronted in jars and
(03:27):
it's all fresh looking.
And I live with three otherpeople, and two of them are
children.
So I'm like constantly frontingmy fridge.
Can you imagine how annoyingthat is?
And we have a lot of houseguests too.
So I'm fronting things, I'm likefluffing stuff, and it does not
annoy me.
It delights me.
But I was just thinking abouthow weird it is for my kids to
have lived their whole lives sofar, thinking it's normal to do
(03:50):
that with a refrigerator.
And don't even ask about mypantry.
It's like the scene fromsleeping with the enemy, that
80s Julia Roberts movie, My PoorKids.
Oops.
So, what is your serial killerslash just creepy trait?
Please, if you have contactinformation for me, send it my
(04:11):
way, whether it is October whenyou were listening to this or
not.
That's kind of a fun intro, huh?
Random, but fun.
All right.
So today we're gonna talk aboutsomething that I have been
thinking about for a long timeand that came up this past
weekend, and that directlyrelates to making your ideas
(04:34):
real, putting your ideas outthere and experiencing the part
of that process that feels likea reflection of you.
You know, like we have big egos,our brains are constantly making
everything about us.
We have to stay really consciousto remind ourselves it's not
about me.
It's not about me, it's notabout me when we're doing new
(04:55):
things, when we're puttingourselves out there pretty much
all the time, actually.
But there's a specific way thatI want to talk about this
showing up for us.
So I'll tell you that this pastweekend, I took my daughter, who
is turning 13 the week afternext, to a women's retreat.
Now, I have been taking her outto this women's retreat.
(05:15):
It's about an hour east, soalmost into the desert from
where I live.
And I've been taking her to thisretreat since she was about five
or six years old.
Because I had my second childwhen she was four, and it was
like a year, year and a half,two years into it, and I just
missed her, you know, becausethe baby was taking all my
energy and wanted me all thetime.
And I just missed my girl.
(05:37):
And so I took her out there forthis weekend of just she and me
time.
So she could have all myattention and I could just, you
know, reconnect to my girl.
This weekend, at 13 years old,she went to the women's only
version for the first time.
So they have two versions ofthis retreat every year.
(05:59):
One is in the spring and it'smothers, and they can bring
children and it's sisters andgrandmothers, it's anybody.
And then in the fall, no kidsare allowed.
So it was like a big deal forus.
We've been going for so long.
When we first went out there, inwhatever years that was 2017,
2018, whatever that was, wedidn't know anyone, zero people.
(06:20):
And now the owners of that landand the directors of that
retreat center are some of ourbest friends, best, best
friends.
And so it's like very meaningfulto us to see her.
And to me, it was amazing to seeher participate in discussions
as a young woman.
And she and I being together wasso special.
It's just amazing.
So there's a facilitator there.
(06:40):
You know, lots happens.
We sit in hot tubs, we go onhikes, we do have discussions,
we have meals, we do all kindsof things out there.
But there's a facilitator thatcomes each time to this women
retreat.
And her name is Katie Dove.
She's a woman who speaks atthese events and who runs these
women's experiences at theseevents and in San Diego.
(07:02):
She's one of those speakers.
I mean, you gotta know I love aspeaker, right?
But she's one of those wherewhen she speaks, I want to write
down every word she says and Iwant to read them over and over.
I want to like take a bath inthe ideas that she talks about.
So weird.
You know, like when you hear aspeaker that just resonates so
(07:23):
much with you, you just want towrite down everything they say.
I want to remember it.
I really have to fight theimpulse to take notes the whole
time and just kind of be thereand let myself soak it up.
So she always shares thesereally powerful ideas about us
as human beings.
She focuses on us as women andas women, what our social
(07:46):
reactions to one another tend tobe and how we can become aware
of them.
And I think all of this, to me,all of this applies to all of
us, not just women.
Maybe particularly you can applyit to women.
You could probably do that toany group, actually.
Um, really think about how itapplies to you.
And what we're talking abouttoday is where the reason we're
(08:10):
talking about this is when weare making ideas real, we not
only encounter new levels ofourselves, new understandings
about ourselves, new adventureswith ourselves, right?
Like we have to expand our theway that we think about
ourselves, our self-concept, weexperience new levels of
self-doubt.
(08:31):
But when we put our ideas outthere, we also experience other
people in new ways.
So if you're looking at theregenerative design process, if
you've been with me for a bitand you know that process,
there's the vision stage wherewe're envisioning our idea, and
there's all the mental dramathat comes in that stage.
(08:52):
Will I be able to do it?
Who am I to think I can do this?
I don't know if anyone will likethis idea, that envisioning
piece.
Do I know how?
Why do I think I could do this?
I've never done this before.
All of the stuff that comes upin that envisioning part of the
design thinking process.
And then we go into theiteration phase, which is the
second phase out of three in thein the regenerative design
(09:15):
process.
And in that iteration phase, wehave all the parts that come out
there when we are testing andfailing and redesigning.
We are failing forward, failinglike we mean it, all the things
that come up there, which islike I knew it wouldn't work, I
should never have tried this.
I'm embarrassed to for otherpeople to see my fail.
What does this mean about myidea?
And we have to be ready as weput ideas out into the world.
(09:37):
We have to be ready for ourbrains to do that.
Nothing has gone wrong here.
You can study all of the peoplewho have succeeded in making
their ideas real, and they allwill tell you we have to work
through our brains giving us,offering us those thoughts and
those feelings.
But then when we get throughthose two initial stages in the
(09:58):
regenerative design process, weget to the third stage, which is
celebration and sharing.
So at that share stage, we aregonna encounter other people.
And maybe at the two stagesbefore as well, depending on our
idea and how we're handling it.
We're gonna encounter others andencounter our reactions to how
(10:19):
we just feel by putting ourideas out where someone can see
them.
So when we put our ideas outthere and we're encountering
other people's reactions, we'regonna have a response.
We might feel inferior.
Those types of thoughts come upwhen we put an idea out there.
Those thoughts might sound likedo they like my idea?
Maybe they don't like it.
(10:39):
Do they think it's dumb?
Do they not get it?
Do they think it's unrealistic?
Do they not want me to be a partof whatever this thing is?
Are they ambivalent?
What does any of this mean aboutme?
Or maybe we feel superior.
Maybe our idea is a knockout andeverybody loves it and they
praise us.
They want it.
Maybe feelings of superioritycome up because of what we're
(11:03):
doing, because we're successful.
Maybe we feel better thanothers.
Maybe we get really attached tothat status of success and we're
afraid to lose it after that.
So it makes us stay a little bitstuck in the thing that has been
successful so far.
Well, let's break down what wedo with these supernormal human
(11:23):
reactions of inferiority andsuperiority and what we can do
with them that's much morehelpful than what our natural
reaction is.
So when we're in socialenvironments, when we're in the
same spaces, reactions come upthat are often related to power
dynamics.
We just talked about superiorityand inferiority in relation to
our idea being out there.
(11:45):
But let's just rewind and thinkabout going into any social
setting, into a workenvironment, a social
environment, a party, acommunity, a school environment,
whatever it is.
We have often have one of twotypes of reactions.
We have a superiority or a powerover feeling.
(12:05):
That might come in the form of afeeling of condescension or
disinterest, or a desire to helpand fix instead of seeing the
people around us as fullycapable and intact in
themselves.
Even that desire to fix someoneis a form of superiority.
Or we might have feelings ofpower under or inferiority.
(12:26):
We might feel excluded or leftout.
We might try to people please.
We might have that graspy,grabby energy, or we might shut
down and just isolate.
We might assume disinterest onthe part of other people.
And all of that, again, isnormal as pack animals.
What we do with it though is upto us.
(12:49):
Because our natural reaction,whether we're talking about a
social situation or we'retalking about putting an idea
out there, is to do one of twothings.
It's either to suppress it or tofuse with it.
So if we fuse with it, we act itout.
We roll with it, we become it,which is one way of not actually
(13:11):
feeling it.
We're letting it drive the bus.
We're letting it drive us.
We are not pausing and noticingour reaction.
We are becoming the feelingreaction that we have.
So that might look like ignoringor overlooking or rejecting
someone when in our bodylanguage and our actions, if we
have that feeling ofsuperiority, turning away.
(13:35):
Or trying to swoop in and giveadvice or to help or to save.
Try to tell people what youthink that they should do, even
when it was unsolicited.
Or we push it down because wewant to reject it, which is a
way of not actually feeling ittoo.
And that might look likerejecting that feeling of
inferiority and maybe evenjudging ourselves super hard for
(13:58):
even having the feeling, thenacting it out through being
graspy or pursuant or aloof anddisinterested or really shut
down and cold.
So you can just take a momentnow to reflect when does this
show up for you?
How does it show up for you?
(14:18):
What are the different socialenvironments, work environments
that you're in?
And what are the automaticfeelings that pop up for you?
Be really honest with yourself.
No judgment.
We're pack animals, they showup.
When do you experience theseelements of inferiority or
superiority?
Maybe you have an idea that youput out there, something new,
(14:40):
something that you've tried tocreate, an idea you've tried to
make real in the world.
Maybe it's a habit you try tochange in your own body or life.
Maybe it's a relationship, maybeit's a tangible idea like a book
or community group.
When have you put something outthere and then had your own
feelings of inferiority orsuperiority?
(15:03):
Reflect on that.
And here's what I want to offer.
I want to offer a different way,a different mode for us to go
into when we see ourselves havethese reactions.
What I want to invite you to tryis to literally be with what is
there.
(15:24):
Without judgment, just noticethe power dynamic that comes up
in you.
The response to others.
Just sit with it.
You're not wrong for having it,and you're not right.
Do you want it?
I don't know.
Just sit with it.
Let it run through your systemwithout judgment.
(15:45):
Be with the condescension or theexclusion or whatever it is that
comes up in you.
And then once you let it runthrough you without judging it,
it is not right or wrong.
Only our thinking can make itright or wrong.
When we just let it run throughus, then what happens?
(16:10):
When we stop rejecting our ownresponses, they run through us
like a wave, and then we get ourchoice back.
We get to choose how we want toreact.
We get out of the trap of fusingwith the emotion and acting out
our immediate response, which isusually like from old
programming and not the way wewant to be.
(16:32):
Like, I don't know how manypeople would be like, I want to
act condescending, I want to actcold, I want to exclude people,
or I want to shy away and peopleplease and be graspy.
Like who wants that, right?
But we will act them out onourselves or other people unless
(16:53):
we allow them to run through us.
So just without judgment, let itrun through you like a wave.
Then we get to choose how wewant to react.
We can be with what comes upinside of us, that 95% of what
comes up that's automatic.
And let it pass through us.
And then it opens up thequestion.
Well, how do I want to react?
(17:14):
That was the automatic thought.
That was the social programming.
That was the programming fromwhenever, probably when I was
somewhere between zero and sevenyears old.
But how do I want to act?
How do I want to feel?
And when we allow thatnon-judgment in ourselves, we
are more empathetic with otherswho are putting ideas out there.
We are more empathetic withothers who have some form of
(17:36):
superiority or inferiority thatpops up in them.
We're more clean in ourresponses.
We're more true to ourselves.
And most importantly, we actlike who we want to act like
instead of replaying the oldcrap.
And we have way more energy forour idea to become real, to put
into our ideas.
(17:59):
Our responses from others aremore positive as we try to make
our ideas real, because we'remanaging our own nonverbal
communication.
Right?
Because we are managing our ownemotions of inferiority or
superiority, letting them passthrough us instead of acting
them out and having this reallylike muddy behavior with other
(18:20):
people where they're like,something feels off.
I don't know, something'sgetting worked out here.
And this, the way this person isacting or speaking, when we can
process our own social feelingsfirst, then we come across real
clean and we get great responsesfrom other people.
We also have more regenerativeenergy that feeds back to us
instead of taking from usbecause we're not wasting our
(18:44):
energy on these social powerconstructs that are not real.
We're more authentic asourselves out in the world,
having authentic exchanges withothers, which creates way more
connection.
And we can iterate way moresuccessfully.
And we know that iteration is aprerequisite to making your idea
(19:06):
real.
Why can we iterate moresuccessfully?
Because we're not fearingjudgment.
We're not in that inferioritycycle or blinded by our own
success and unable to let go ofthe label of being successful,
right?
We can just let go of thosesuperiority and inferiority
feelings, the power over orpower under.
(19:27):
And instead, we can lean intopower with power with other
people.
We can lean into iteration, toletting feedback come in, not
taking it personally, not likeletting it break us down or
letting us feel like we've justaccomplished everything.
We don't have to do anythingelse.
(19:50):
That feedback will actuallyimprove our idea through
iteration instead of us makingit about us.
So all these things get us outof our own way.
Let us enjoy the process ofputting our ideas into the world
and just the process of being ahuman with other humans because
we're softer and gentler withour own human selves.
And ultimately, that makes us somuch more successful at making
(20:13):
our ideas real.
So this week, notice what yoursocial reactions are to the
people around you.
What are they?
I want to know.
When do you feel superior?
When do you feel better than?
When do you feel inferior orless than?
Here's some questions for you.
What are the circumstances thatmake you feel that way?
What are the thoughts you'rethinking about that circumstance
(20:34):
that make you feel inferior orsuperior?
When you have that feeling, howdo you act?
Do you like it?
Do you like how you're acting?
What are the results that youget when you act like that?
They probably prove the thingthat you're thinking.
And just accept it.
Accept all that.
Embrace it.
Laugh about it, maybe.
(20:56):
Be compassionate with what isthere because most of it was
socially programmed in, anyways.
Let it be what it is.
Accept yourself.
And then you'll let it passthrough you with love and
support and compassion and maybeeven neutrality.
Because you didn't teachyourself to feel that way.
You were socialized somehow tofeel it, and it's not your
fault, but it is your choicenow.
(21:18):
Do you want to keep feeling andthinking and acting that way?
Do you like it?
If not, how do you want to actand feel and think?
Notice the changes when you justlet yourself accept whatever
your response is and just bewith it.
Let it pass, take the reinsback.
Because when you do, you areunstoppable.
I've seen it, I have felt it, Ihave been it, I have coached it
(21:41):
time and time again.
You can make anything happenwhen you can pause and allow
these thoughts and feelings tobe separate from you.
You can create anything when youlearn to pause your immediate
reaction without judgment andsteer it instead where you want
it to go.
(22:02):
That allows you to make yourideas real, and the world needs
your ideas.
So let's pause this week andjust see what happens when we
notice without judgment andallow what is in relation to
power over, power under, andmaking space for power with.
(22:22):
That's what I've got for youthis week, my friends, and I
will see you next week.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you gotta come
and join us in the Bloom Room.
This is a year-round membershipwhere we take all of these
(22:44):
concepts and we apply them toreal life in a community where
we have each other's backs andwe bring out the best in each
other.
We're all there to make ourideas real.
One idea at a time.
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