Ep 156: Giving Positive Feedback

Most of us are much more practiced at pointing out what’s not working than naming what is. And even when we do give positive feedback, we often keep it vague:
“You did great.”
“That was awesome.”
“Nice job.”

In this episode, we explore why specific positive feedback is one of the most powerful tools we have—for leadership, parenting, relationships, teamwork, and personal growth—and why it’s so often underused.

I break down how generic praise feels good in the moment but doesn’t actually help people grow, while specific feedback builds confidence, clarity, and trust. It teaches people what to keep doing, not just what to avoid.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode

• Why the brain needs specificity to learn and repeat behaviors
• The difference between empty praise and meaningful, growth-producing feedback
• How specific positive feedback builds psychological safety and motivation
• Why this skill is essential for leaders, partners, parents, and collaborators
• 10 Simple prompts to help you look for and give feedback that actually lands and sticks
• Real-life applications in parenting, partnership, and team culture

We also talk about how specific positive feedback helps counter self-doubt—both in ourselves and others. When people know exactly what they did well and why it mattered, they don’t have to guess. That clarity creates momentum.

And here’s the quiet power of this practice: when you learn to give specific positive feedback outwardly, you also start doing it internally. You become better at recognizing your own progress, effort, and growth—rather than only tracking what still needs fixing.

Whether it’s a colleague, a partner, a child—or yourself—this small shift can radically improve connection, confidence, and results.

Mentioned in this episode:

• Look How Far You’ve Come: EP 
• Leadership and communication tools from The Bloom Room

How to connect with Marie:

• On the Web | The Local Bloom
• Instagram: @the.bloom.coach
• All Things Marie on LinkTree

JOIN THE BLOOM ROOM!
We'll take all these ideas and apply them to our lives. Follow me on Instagram at @the.bloom.coach to learn more and snag a spot in my group coaching program!

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:08):
Welcome to the Bloom Your Mind Podcast, where we take
all of your ideas for what youwant and we turn them into real
things.
I'm your host, certified coachMarie McDonald.
Let's get into it.
Hi, my friends, and welcome toepisode number 156 of the Bloom

(00:33):
Your Mind podcast.
That number just keeps gettinghigher.
It's so fun.
I'm gonna share next week'sepisode topic just because it
might be really helpful for youto be prepared for that one
because the time of year thatthis is being recorded is a few
weeks before the new yearchanges over.
And one of my most highlyrecommended practices for

(00:54):
reflection is to absolutely takethe time and space to pause and
reflect on your year.
So I'm going to record nextweek's podcast early because
it's a holiday week for me.
And I'm gonna record it around aguided reflection that my
clients just love in terms oflooking back at the year that
we've just been through.

(01:14):
And I just can't tell you howmuch people say, This is so
great.
I love doing this.
And so I really highly recommendthat you make some time and
space, just half an hour more ifyou want it for yourself before
the end of the year.
And you will have that episodenext Friday.
For this week, we are actuallytalking about how to give
positive feedback.

(01:35):
So let me just start with alittle story.
I used to be in charge of aninnovation company up in the Bay
Area, and there were all kindsof things that I did in that
job.
I wrote a lot of content, Imanaged and led lots and lots of
people.
I also did instructionalobservations.
So I went into classroomenvironments and watched

(01:56):
teachers, and I went in todifferent communities and
watched leaders, and I gave themfeedback on their teaching or
their leading.
I did that with all kinds ofpeople who were leading groups
of adults or kids to give themfeedback on what they were doing
well, the ways they were uniqueand amazing, and the things that
I saw that were opportunitiesfor their growth.

(02:20):
There was once when I went intoone of those sites, and I love
giving people feedback, love todo it, and I love getting
feedback.
And I went into one of thosesites and I always tried to give
positive feedback directly andimmediately.
And I gave some feedback tosomebody that was leading a

(02:42):
group of kids and teaching agroup of kids, and I recognized
her natural leadershipabilities.
I recognized the specific thingsshe did to empower the children
that were in her care and thespecific things she did to
create safety for them andcreate belonging in the group
that they were a part of.
And just kind of how I saw herunique strengths coming across.

(03:07):
About five years later, when Ihad grown the company, maybe it
was even 10 years later, it wasprobably about 10 years later,
actually, now that I think aboutit, that person who I had given
feedback to when she was leadingone group of kids had moved her
way up the organization fromteaching one group of kids to

(03:27):
teaching many groups of kids toall of a sudden taking over
leadership of an entire site tothen taking leadership over many
sites and being in the role thatI was in when I gave her that
feedback originally.
So she was a director of manydifferent sites and, you know,
um had kind of moved her way uporganiz the organization.

(03:50):
So now I was leading a retreatfor all the company leaders.
And I was sharing some kind of,um, I was leading some kind of
session around reflection, andshe stood up and she said, I
remember when Marie came up tome when I was in my very early
20s, maybe like 19 or 20.
She was very young, maybe 21 atthe time.

(04:11):
And Marie told me that she sawnatural leadership capabilities
in me.
And she told me the specificthings she saw.
Up until that moment, I did notthink of myself as having any
leadership skills.
But that sentence, naturalleadership capabilities, and
then describing the effort thatI was putting in.
Maybe she used the word natural,but I actually think she was

(04:34):
describing effort that I wasputting in to all this
leadership of the kids, made methink of myself differently and
changed the trajectory of mylife.
Because all of a sudden Ithought of myself as someone who
is capable of leadership.
And if I keep putting effortinto developing my leadership
skills, I can become a leader ofmany people.
And then she said, and here Iam.

(04:54):
And it just shocked me because Ilove giving positive feedback,
but I had never before thatmoment truly experienced how you
can say a sentence to someoneand it can change their life.
Now, I've also seen this oftenwith children.
So parents will talk to theirkids, or educators will talk to

(05:17):
kids, or leaders or coaches willtalk to kids.
And when those adults are veryintentional about what and how
they say to kids, it changes howkids perceive themselves
entirely.
When we remind kids of theirinnate goodness, their kindness,

(05:39):
when we really reinforce theirefforts, their ability to build
skill in any area, and wereinforce their efforts, not
their innate qualities.
Because they don't really havecontrol over their innate
qualities, right?
An example that I'll give lateron is natural beauty when we
say, You're so pretty, versus Ilike your fashion choices.

(06:02):
I like the choices you madetoday in the ensemble that you
put together, right?
That's such a differentcompliment to give.
It's actually complimentingsomething that a person has
control over instead ofsomething that a person is like
born with or not born with, andsomething that's subjective and
whatever.
So when we praise kids for theireffort for sticking with

(06:26):
something for being determinedand sticking with something for
putting effort into somethingthat didn't come easily to them,
that will impact their lives insuch a positive way.
I also think about how we dothis with our partners.
When we get used to people thatare our friends or our primary,
you know, love interest orromantic partners, we begin to

(06:50):
see more of less of the shiny,spectacular, new, wonderful
things that attracted us tosomeone in the first place.
And we see more of the thingsthat are like bugging us.
Am I right?
We'll like start to comment onthe things that are frustrating
us during the day.
And and I'll talk again a littlebit more about this later, but I
just want to say that like wecreate reality with our words.

(07:12):
So if we're saying frequentlythe things that are bothering
us, we're putting a lot ofnegative feedback into the mind
of our primary partner.
We are the one that sees themall the time.
So if we are not focusing in ontheir strengths, their efforts,
their potential, oftentimesnobody is.

(07:35):
So we can be really careful tomake sure we're balancing out
that positive and that negative.
So think for a moment aboutyourself, about your own life,
about a time when someone saidsomething to you that changed
your world, first for thebetter.
When someone said something toyou, something that they saw in
you, something unique about you,a gift, a strength, a talent,

(07:57):
and how that impacted you.
And you can pause the episode ifyou'd like to give yourself a
little space to think aboutthat.
And then when you're ready,secondly, think about that
sometime when someone saidsomething to you that impacted
you for the worse.
They criticized you instead ofsharing something positive.

(08:18):
Like they offered a criticism orum a cut down or negative
feedback, or maybe they justtalked about something that
impacted them in a negative way,but assigned you blame and
motive instead of sharing how anaction impacted them and owning
their own experience andfeelings and making a specific
request about what they wantedyou to do differently.
I imagine it's probably a loteasier to think of those

(08:41):
examples because we have anegativity bias to our brain and
we remember those painful thingsmore easily.
So you can see it's reallyimportant to balance them out.
The brain's gonna hold on tothem, the brain's gonna look for
them, and we are creatingreality for other people with
our words.
So let's use all of this tomotivate us to create a positive

(09:03):
reality for other people, tobalance out our brain's
negativity bias, our brain'sthreat scanning, to balance out
the way that the brain, ourbrain, and the people around us,
their brains, hold on tonegativity by giving more
specific positive feedback.
I also want to just mention thatI like to think about this in

(09:25):
terms of deposits andwithdrawals in a bank account.
We don't want to even keep itbalanced, right?
We don't want, if we're thinkingof positive feedback as the
deposits we're putting into arelationship and constructive or
negative feedback as withdrawalsthat we're taking out of the
relationship.
You can really, if you're reallyhonest with yourself, there's
probably some relationships inyour life that are in the red,

(09:47):
right?
I am super, super careful aboutthis, but some of my
relationships get into the redsometimes.
Maybe I'm just grumpy for a dayor two and I'm complaining or
I'm whatever.
I'm I'm not seeing the best orsomething, and I'll say the
trash needs to get taken out orwhatever.
Whatever constructive feedbackI'm giving is probably more than

(10:10):
the positive feedback, right?
It doesn't have to be perfectlybalanced all the time.
But the important thing is thatthere's room for those
withdrawals.
There's room for theconstructive feedback when
there's enough positive feedbackalready in there.
So I like to think I want like alot in my bank account so I
don't ever have to be afraid oftaking out a withdrawal.

(10:32):
If I'm going to offer someconstructive feedback in a
careful and intentional way, Iwant there to be enough
positive, loving, wonderfulfeedback in there to make it not
a big deal.
This applies to workrelationships.
This applies to friendships, torelationships with kids, to our
primary partners, to people wedate, to people we collaborate

(10:52):
with, and to ourselves.
I know that can be hard.
We tend to be the hardest onourselves, but maybe you can
just think about the importanceof working on that, working on
how you talk to yourself and theimportance of surrounding
ourselves with really greatpeople that give us positive
feedback.

(11:12):
Because remember, our brainswill focus on the negative, our
brains will scan for threats,our brains will look for things
that hurt us or that are aboutto hurt us, or it's possible
will hurt us.
And then our brains will focusin on those hurtful things and
find more and more and moreevidence of those hurtful
things.
So we got to balance that out.
We got to be intentional aboutbalancing that out by looking

(11:35):
for positive things and sharingthem.
We create reality with ourwords.
I started this episode withexamples of that.
We create reality with our wordsfor ourselves.
The things we say out loud, weanchor in our mind.
The things we think over andover again become the reality of
how we're perceiving situations.

(11:56):
And we create reality with ourwords for other people, for our
friends, for our kids, for ourpartners, for our community
members.
If we allow our brains tooverfocus on the negative, which
they will do, and then we becomecomplacent with that, and we say
out loud and share in meetingsand share in communities and

(12:18):
share in the parking lot ofwherever we're at, or share on
the phone the negative things.
That is the impact we're havingon the world.
Our impact of what we say isreally powerful.
We all have that power.
So let's use that power forgood, shall we?
Here's some ways to givepositive feedback because it

(12:40):
doesn't come naturally to ourbrains.
Let's learn the skill.
First of all, just simply lookfor what you like.
That is it.
I learned that tool when I waslike 21, 22, and I was like,
dang, this is helpful.
When I'm driving, when I'mwaking up in the morning, when
I'm talking to someone, when I'mlistening to a lecture, when I'm

(13:01):
working out, anytime, all thetime.
Look for what you like.
That is it.
It balances things out so much.
So when you're with someoneelse, look for what you like.
What do you like about them?
What do you like about whatthey're saying, what they're
doing, choices they're making,effort that they're putting in.
Okay, number two, look foractions that create a positive

(13:23):
impact.
What is someone doing that iscreating a positive impact?
Tell them.
It could be an impact on you.
It could be an impact on thepeople around them.
It could have nothing to do withyou.
It could be you just noticingthe impact they're having on the
world, through the work thatthey do, the things they say,
their presence, their smile,their energy.

(13:44):
Look for actions that create apositive impact.
Number three, be specific andtimely.
Be really specific.
When we say, that was so great,it doesn't really land with the
person.
When we say the way youarticulated the specific

(14:04):
experience that you had was soclear, non-blaming, and helpful
to all of us to focus onsolutions.
Thanks for having that impact inthat meeting.
That's specific.
And when you tell someone rightaway, they remember what you're
talking about.
When you tell them two weekslater, they're like, oh man, I
don't even remember what I said.
So be specific and timely.

(14:26):
Number four, lower the bar foryourself.
Don't try to be perfect.
Don't look for the right time togive your feedback.
It's almost always a good timefor positive feedback.
And if you do it right now, itwill happen.
If you wait, it likely won't.
Because feedback is never themost urgent thing.
Or very rarely the most urgentthing.
Let's say very rarely.
Okay, number five, look for goodintentions.

(14:47):
Look for the way that even ifsomebody messed up, they were
trying, right?
They had they really had an ideafor something and they were
trying to do it.
And you see just saying, I seeyou, I see you.
That didn't go the way youwanted, but I see you.
Number six, I think.
Look for effort.
Look for the effort that someoneput into something over traits

(15:09):
and qualities that a persondoesn't have control over.
For example, I gave thisearlier, I'm gonna say it again.
Hey, I love the fashion choicesyou made today.
The way you put that outfittogether is unique.
I wouldn't have thought of doingthat.
Rather than you look so pretty.
Another example.
Look for what someone does tosupport others with their money
instead of making compliments onwhat their money can buy.

(15:31):
Right?
Look for what the choicesthey're making, something they
can actually impact rather thanwhat they just have.
Right?
There are many, many otherexamples of this.
Number seven, gratitude.
What can you thank someone for?
Here's one thing I want to say.

(15:51):
Thanking someone else forsomething never cancels out what
you have also done.
I say this because I coach a lotof couples and I notice that a
lot of couples don't say thankyou to their partner because
they are also doing so much.
And they think if I say thankyou, all my stuff will be
invisible.
It is the opposite.
Ironically, when you startsaying thank you to other

(16:12):
people, 95% of the time theywill thank you also.
You open up a door, you're theexample of the change you want
to see.
You start, you go first.
Number eight, what positiveimpact is someone having on your
life?
Share it with them.
Look for it.
What positive impact do theyhave on your life?

(16:32):
Maybe they don't take out thetrash, but having a partner that
you can depend on in all of theother ways that you can depend
on them really impacts your lifein a positive way.
Number nine, look for what'sunique about them.
I could go on and on about thisall day, but when you just ask
your brain to look for what isunique about the person in front

(16:57):
of you, it will go to workgiving you all kinds of answers,
and every single person is 100%unique.
What can you compliment someoneon that is unique about them?
Different that makes themspecial in the world.
You say it, all of a suddenthey'll be able to see it.
And lastly, compliment them onhow far they've come.

(17:19):
Think about where they startedin relation to anything and
compliment them on the distancebetween where they started and
where they are now.
This relates to anything andeverything.
Listen to the episode, look howfar you've come if you want to
hear examples of that.
That is what I've got for youtoday.
Go out into the world and givepositive feedback.
You will start a ripple thatwill create beautiful things,

(17:41):
and it'll ripple back to you, myfriends.
That's what I've got for youthis week, and I will see you
next week.
If you like what you're hearingon the podcast, you gotta come
and join us in the Bloom Room.

(18:02):
This is a year-round membershipwhere we take all of these
concepts and we apply them toreal life in a community where
we have each other's backs andwe bring out the best in each
other.
We're all there to make ourideas real.
One idea at a time.